Speaker 1: Okay, babe, you bring me peace. Oh that's nice. I
Speaker 1: was prepared for something like really outlandish, So my SoundBite
Speaker 1: today was the only pressure I'm interested in is the
Speaker 1: ones that make diamonds. Baby, dead ass though, dead ass. Hey,
Speaker 1: I'm Kadeen and I'm Devoured and we're the Ellises. You
Speaker 1: may know us from posting funny videos with our boys
Speaker 1: and reading each other publicly as a form of therapy. Wait,
Speaker 1: I'll make you need therby most days. Wow. Oh and
Speaker 1: one more important thing to mention, we're married, Yes, sir,
Speaker 1: we are. We created this podcast to open dialogue about
Speaker 1: some of the live's most taboo topics, things most folks
Speaker 1: don't want to talk about. Do the lens of a
Speaker 1: millennium married couple. Dead ass is a term that we
Speaker 1: say every day. So when we say dead ass, we're
Speaker 1: actually saying facts one hundred the truth, the whole truth,
Speaker 1: and nothing but the truth. We about to take pillows
Speaker 1: off to a whole new level. Dead as starts right now.
Speaker 1: This story time is going to take us back to
Speaker 1: before marriage. Even though you know, I wanted to talk
Speaker 1: about peace and marriage, but this story time in particular
Speaker 1: takes us back to when I knew that you were
Speaker 1: the one person in the world that brought me peace.
Speaker 1: This was two thousand and seven, two thousand no, no no, no, no.
Speaker 1: This is two thousand and six, my rookie year in
Speaker 1: the NFL, and this is the first time I had
Speaker 1: been away from my family. I had been away from
Speaker 1: you four months at a time because I was a
Speaker 1: free agent trial for the Detroit Lions. And the first
Speaker 1: preseason game I played, okay, I had two solo tackles.
Speaker 1: I didn't get a lot of opportunity because I was
Speaker 1: a free agent. Of course you don't get a lot
Speaker 1: of opportunity. But now in this second preseason game, Eddie Drummond,
Speaker 1: who was the starting point return and kick return at
Speaker 1: the time, was just like, Oh, I'm a growing it's
Speaker 1: hurting me. I don't really want to return. And they
Speaker 1: were just like, Yola's here's your opportunity. You're gonna start
Speaker 1: punt return, kick return this day. And we were playing
Speaker 1: the Cleveland Browns. And on this day, you had flew
Speaker 1: in the second preseason game. You had flew in prior
Speaker 1: to that week of practice to spend a week with me,
Speaker 1: and I was so nervous going into this week of
Speaker 1: practice because I had never returned punts and kicks as
Speaker 1: a starter in college. I was a number one receiver
Speaker 1: in college, so they kept your away from special teams
Speaker 1: because they didn't want you to be injured. I returned
Speaker 1: kicks in college when they needed someone to make a
Speaker 1: playdate with throw me back then, like you devout, can
Speaker 1: you get us past a fifty? So yeah, it was
Speaker 1: just they would do that. But I was never a
Speaker 1: starting point return kick returner, right, so now they're asking
Speaker 1: me to return punts and kicks in the NFL. I
Speaker 1: was nervous. Kadeen gets there on that. I think Tuesday,
Speaker 1: the day I have off, Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday, Friday were
Speaker 1: the best practices I had ever had at the Detroit
Speaker 1: Lions at that point. And part of it was because
Speaker 1: my focus wasn't solely on practice. I knew that my
Speaker 1: baby was back home. I was thinking about finally having
Speaker 1: a reprieve when I got back to my hotel room
Speaker 1: because at the time, when we were in camp, you're
Speaker 1: not allowed to bring people to the hotel room. So
Speaker 1: Kadean had got an extended stay and I used to
Speaker 1: just go in there and leave. That had to be
Speaker 1: back for curfew, but that's all my mind was on.
Speaker 1: But that allowed me a place of peace amongst all
Speaker 1: the chaos at practice. And having that little bit of
Speaker 1: reprieve helped me because number two, I was finally eating
Speaker 1: dinners during my breaks for the two days we would
Speaker 1: meet up and have lunch, and it just really meant
Speaker 1: a lot to me that someone could be my sense
Speaker 1: of peace amongst everything that was going on. And it
Speaker 1: was at that time I'll never forget. It was two
Speaker 1: thousand and six, that summer that I was just like,
Speaker 1: this is what it must feel like to have a
Speaker 1: wife at home. This is my piece. It was just
Speaker 1: playing playing adults for me. You know, we thought we
Speaker 1: were doing all the things, you know what I mean.
Speaker 1: I was being somebody's wife before my time. You were.
Speaker 1: And what happened that preseason game? You ended up proposing No, no, no,
Speaker 1: not no, not the game, but I mean the game
Speaker 1: surely after that proposed After that game was the best
Speaker 1: preseason game I had. I ended up returning the kick,
Speaker 1: I ended up catching three passes, and finally the coach
Speaker 1: is like, yo, this kid can make plays. And I
Speaker 1: ended up making a team after that pretty much based
Speaker 1: on that preseason. Let me tell you, baby, it was
Speaker 1: worth the blood, sweat and tears that I had to
Speaker 1: hear about from me me and I had to tell
Speaker 1: your girl at twenty something years old that I was
Speaker 1: moving to Michigan to be with my boot. Now on
Speaker 1: the perfect day, I knew that I can go you
Speaker 1: when that's not possible, bo totally, Can you stone the
Speaker 1: stone because I need some body who by me. I
Speaker 1: got allergy issues too. No, No, that's in the part.
Speaker 1: You could have sung because you're a little higher, but
Speaker 1: you can't, so I jump I can. I appreciate you
Speaker 1: though through the good times and that time always always
Speaker 1: being right, suny days. Everybody loves them. Let me tell
Speaker 1: you you can't. Can you stay in the rain? I've
Speaker 1: listened because of you, I could stay in the range. Well,
Speaker 1: I mean there's a new addition. The original version there's
Speaker 1: the boys. Toman version was exactly exactly, but there was
Speaker 1: a base a bass singer and Voysment wasn't there. Yeah,
Speaker 1: forgot his name his name. All I know is that
Speaker 1: you can't try to sing like wan ya. Have you
Speaker 1: went get a headache? Let's take a quick break, y'all.
Speaker 1: I want to go get some water, and uh, we're
Speaker 1: gonna move into the show, go back to story time. Yeah,
Speaker 1: I was about to say, let's go in to new
Speaker 1: listener letters. Look at me being nosy fast all right,
Speaker 1: back now, back back back from story time. I feel
Speaker 1: like we were each other's piece really really early on,
Speaker 1: even prior to you being in Detroit. Just in general,
Speaker 1: like getting through college, it was such a different experience,
Speaker 1: I know, just for me at least, finally being away
Speaker 1: from home. And no, wait, I say that lightly because
Speaker 1: we were going back and forth for the most part
Speaker 1: between Half String and Brooklyn. It was like a forty
Speaker 1: five minute drive, so I never really felt like I
Speaker 1: was too far away from home. If I ever needed
Speaker 1: to go, we went. But there was just like a
Speaker 1: sense of piece that I think we always had whenever
Speaker 1: we were together, regardless of where we were on campus.
Speaker 1: I had my own four walls that you were very
Speaker 1: much a part of. Yah, part of all your walls.
Speaker 1: I always stay setting myself up. But but yeah, it
Speaker 1: was almost like the sense of when the world could
Speaker 1: have literally been crumbling around us and we would not
Speaker 1: have noticed. I mean, the world has crumbled around us
Speaker 1: a couple of times. When you think about the things
Speaker 1: that we've been through in our life, from the NFL
Speaker 1: getting cut, moving back, the recession, rebuilding, rebuilding, build more surgeriesgencies,
Speaker 1: emergency surgeries, after labor and delivery. Like, there's been a
Speaker 1: lot of times where it seemed like things were crumbling
Speaker 1: and we've been able to be each other's peace. But
Speaker 1: let's let's talk a little bit about it. Because in
Speaker 1: an interview earlier this year, Steve Harvey gave credit to
Speaker 1: his wife for helping him create the career that he
Speaker 1: has today. You know, he said, the career that people
Speaker 1: see today, I can only tell you that it came
Speaker 1: from the peace she provided. Harvey said, it freed my
Speaker 1: mind up to become the creative that I wanted to be.
Speaker 1: How does peace in your marriage help you and your
Speaker 1: personal goals and endeavors. It's a good one. I didn't
Speaker 1: actually see the interviewed you I did, That's part of it.
Speaker 1: I know that there was. It was. It was met
Speaker 1: with some praise some vitriol because some people felt as
Speaker 1: if he was taking shots at his ex wives and
Speaker 1: saying that, you know, he can't just credit this one
Speaker 1: woman for everything that he has, right, I guess because
Speaker 1: I guess the side of that that people would probably
Speaker 1: want to mention is that he's been working on his
Speaker 1: career for a long time. But maybe it wasn't necessarily
Speaker 1: the most peaceful environment that he was having to work
Speaker 1: through this, So maybe that's why he's crediting his current wife, right, Marjorie,
Speaker 1: And I mean once again, I mean, this is his
Speaker 1: perspective of his life. You know, we we find out
Speaker 1: through social media that everyone has opinions about someone else's
Speaker 1: perspective on their own life, their own life. Yes so,
Speaker 1: and in a lot of time, their opinions come are
Speaker 1: often projections of things that they've gone through in their
Speaker 1: own life. So it could have been a lot of
Speaker 1: people who's boyfriends went on and married someone else because
Speaker 1: they weren't peace and then you find out that, you know,
Speaker 1: oh oh so I wasn't his piece, and then it
Speaker 1: has to be here's the reason why. Right. A lot
Speaker 1: of people were posting this interview and posting his comments,
Speaker 1: and a lot of women were upset saying, well, he
Speaker 1: was married four times, so he wasn't those women's peace either,
Speaker 1: which is fair, that's fair to say, But that doesn't
Speaker 1: mean that Marjorie shouldn't be credited as being his piece, right,
Speaker 1: found it right? And peace goes both ways, right, So
Speaker 1: just because he credits his current wife doesn't mean that
Speaker 1: he's absolved of not being peace for his previous why right?
Speaker 1: And I think also too, the thing we should keep
Speaker 1: in mind is that peace probably looks different for everybody.
Speaker 1: Absolutely who were talking pre show like, peace can be
Speaker 1: so many different things for so many different people. And
Speaker 1: I think tapping into your spouse's desired avenues of getting
Speaker 1: to pieces necessary rather than you trying to implement whatever
Speaker 1: you think that peace should look like. And it's not
Speaker 1: really it, that is true, It's not really it that
Speaker 1: should Well, there was another woman who I think shortly
Speaker 1: after I forgot that the clip, but she had created
Speaker 1: a post that also went virals, saying that you know,
Speaker 1: all you women out here who are going out here
Speaker 1: to be quote unquote bad bitches saying you make six
Speaker 1: figures and saying you do this and you do that,
Speaker 1: are not realizing that a man that's looking for peace
Speaker 1: doesn't need you to list the things that you've accomplished
Speaker 1: to be his piece. What if all the things you
Speaker 1: accomplished don't bring me peace to him? Yeah? And then
Speaker 1: she was met with backlash, and you know a lot
Speaker 1: of women were saying, well, does that mean that I
Speaker 1: can't have my own and be my own boss. In
Speaker 1: order to be a man's piece, I got to be
Speaker 1: his mama. But that's not necessarily needed to be the
Speaker 1: person's peace. Somebody to wash your drawers and clean your
Speaker 1: you know, cook for you and things like that. That's
Speaker 1: not necessarily peace for a man either. So then, and
Speaker 1: that comes to what I wanted to discuss with you
Speaker 1: today is how do we get to a point where
Speaker 1: a man's piece is all put into a list of
Speaker 1: one thing, like all men require, this is the same
Speaker 1: thing for women, Like, there's no one list that a
Speaker 1: man has to require in order to meet a woman's peace.
Speaker 1: Are you sure that one thing ain't just sex? Wouldn't
Speaker 1: that bring me a lot of men peace if they
Speaker 1: got sex consistently from their wives? No? No, because men
Speaker 1: find sex fairly often. If you're if you're a type
Speaker 1: of man who gets sex from women easily, I'm talking
Speaker 1: about a marriage, I mean, assuming that it's a monogamous,
Speaker 1: monogamous relationship. Is sex a good place to start? Nah?
Speaker 1: I don't think sex is a good place to start.
Speaker 1: I think sex is part of it, but I don't
Speaker 1: think it's a good place to start. Maybe like that
Speaker 1: immediate tension reliever or that Nah, sex can't bring you peace,
Speaker 1: though sex, sex will relieve whatever's happening in that moment
Speaker 1: for a short period of time, right, That's what I'm saying,
Speaker 1: that moment, that right at that moment. But peace comes
Speaker 1: from a totality of things, right. So for example, if
Speaker 1: you spend all the money, you can't cook, then you
Speaker 1: can't clean, you never home because you out your friends,
Speaker 1: or you never home because you're out making your own money.
Speaker 1: But then the short amount of time you are home,
Speaker 1: you we just fucking that doesn't bring peace, you know
Speaker 1: what I'm saying, Like, there's so many other things that
Speaker 1: are involved in creating peace that I think that we
Speaker 1: as a society or trying to find what peace is
Speaker 1: for everyone by looking through one lens, and that fails
Speaker 1: for men and women because you hear men say all
Speaker 1: the time or in order to have great peace for
Speaker 1: a woman, all you need his money, which is not
Speaker 1: the case because there are a lot of rich men
Speaker 1: whose wives have said I don't feel peace for here.
Speaker 1: I mean Bill Gates and his wife are getting a divorce,
Speaker 1: you know, And here's a man who has unlimited amounts
Speaker 1: of resources and his wife wasn't feeling at peace married
Speaker 1: to him. So it's not always money. You know. If
Speaker 1: you look at some of the most beautiful women in
Speaker 1: the world who have been cheated on, you know, you
Speaker 1: would think that sex cures everything. She's a beautiful woman.
Speaker 1: They must have great sex all the time she was
Speaker 1: still cheating on. So it doesn't mean that sex cures
Speaker 1: everything for a man. I think that what we have
Speaker 1: to do as a people and start to realize that
Speaker 1: individuals require different things. And the minute you try to
Speaker 1: tell and make what that individual needs based on what
Speaker 1: you think everyone else is saying, is when you're gonna fail.
Speaker 1: You have to ask your partner absolutely what creates peace
Speaker 1: for them. You know you ain't gonna find it online, right,
Speaker 1: you know? If I listen to social the worst place
Speaker 1: to start, y'all is really the worst place to start
Speaker 1: for sure. Well, we have seven ways to keep peace
Speaker 1: in your marriage. And this came from I believe triple
Speaker 1: said an article or a website. Yeah, I want to
Speaker 1: know what peace looks like for you as a woman
Speaker 1: before we even get to trying to keep the peace.
Speaker 1: What does peace look like? Peace looks like for me?
Speaker 1: So there's For me, I think peace is very synonymous
Speaker 1: with security, being able to feel like I can let
Speaker 1: my guard down that I don't necessarily have to worry about. Certainly,
Speaker 1: you an't even talking about financial security or now you
Speaker 1: just security, just security in general. I mean, financial security
Speaker 1: does have a lot to do with it, because that
Speaker 1: does create a lot of stress in general for people,
Speaker 1: and that's man when in child like whoever. But for
Speaker 1: me in general, I think that peace looks really being protected. Yeah, yeah,
Speaker 1: feeling protected, feeling safe, feeling taken care of. If I'm
Speaker 1: talking in relation to my spouse, being able to have
Speaker 1: the latitude to do the things that I'd like to do,
Speaker 1: whether it's professionally personally. Having that support also brings me
Speaker 1: peace because I also feel like I have somebody who
Speaker 1: is on the same page as me, we can move
Speaker 1: in one accord, who will support me wholeheartedly and whatever
Speaker 1: those decisions are and look like those things for me
Speaker 1: are just peace where there's just there's no I mean
Speaker 1: I can't even say no disagreement because I think the
Speaker 1: disagreement sometimes it's necessary to get you to what it
Speaker 1: is we really want. But yeah, just a feeling taken
Speaker 1: care of kind of sense is what I enjoy. Even
Speaker 1: when people talk about, for example, submitting to a man
Speaker 1: because you know he can be a leader, I have
Speaker 1: no problem doing that. And I find peace in leaning
Speaker 1: on my husband or empowering him to be the man
Speaker 1: and to be the one to head the household. And
Speaker 1: I'm okay taking you know, the supporting character role or
Speaker 1: following his lead because I know that you have it
Speaker 1: under control and there's a sense of piece that I
Speaker 1: have with that. So I wanted I wanted to speak
Speaker 1: on and I appreciate you talking about that because that's
Speaker 1: also a big time topic when it comes to finding peace,
Speaker 1: because I think Cam Newton also said something that went
Speaker 1: crazy on Twitter when he was saying, like a lot
Speaker 1: of women come out here and the first thing when
Speaker 1: they go on a date is once again that he
Speaker 1: used a quote, and he said he's using a quote
Speaker 1: based on what they say, not on whatever he feels.
Speaker 1: But I'm a boss bitch. I don't need a man.
Speaker 1: I don't need X y Z. And it's like, well cool,
Speaker 1: that's how people are leading on dates, right, and he's saying,
Speaker 1: but that's not what I'm looking for to be my piece, right,
Speaker 1: So that's what you want to do, that's fine, but
Speaker 1: that's not what I'm looking for it he said, you know,
Speaker 1: shut up, you know what I'm saying. But can you cook?
Speaker 1: Can you clean? That? He got for that, But there
Speaker 1: were also some women who I saw who were just like,
Speaker 1: I don't see what's wrong with him saying what he wants.
Speaker 1: He wants peace, because then he can find someone who's
Speaker 1: willing to do that, because he's he's valued it over
Speaker 1: half a billion dollars. He's not necessarily looking for someone
Speaker 1: to be his financial partner, you know, so it's okay
Speaker 1: for him to say what he wants. And this was
Speaker 1: this was men and women saying that why is it
Speaker 1: every time a man says what they want or need
Speaker 1: for peace, women find fault with it. But women are
Speaker 1: allowed to create their lists, you know, And I think
Speaker 1: that comes from that is fair. That is fair because
Speaker 1: but that also if you understand history and knowing that
Speaker 1: women have very rarely had the voice to speak about
Speaker 1: the things they want in their need in the history
Speaker 1: of life, that now women finally have a voice to
Speaker 1: say it, but they want to be vocal about it.
Speaker 1: So we can't just now say, well, it has to
Speaker 1: be even. No, it's not going to be even. You know,
Speaker 1: the tide is turning and we have to accept the
Speaker 1: fact that the patriarchy is no longer controlling the narrative. Well,
Speaker 1: I can't understand. And what grinds my gears sometimes with
Speaker 1: social media is that we encourage people to be transparent, right,
Speaker 1: to be authentic, to speak your truth, to let people
Speaker 1: know how you really feel, and then when you do that,
Speaker 1: you're then met with so much you know, aggression from people.
Speaker 1: First date. If it does not speak to you, then
Speaker 1: leave it alone. Because he has he's well within his
Speaker 1: right to say what it is he's looking for in
Speaker 1: a woman. It may not be useless, it may not
Speaker 1: be useless, but since over here is probably like you
Speaker 1: know what, I'm cool with that because I don't mind
Speaker 1: cooking and cleaning and cater into a man because that's
Speaker 1: what will fulfill me. That is true, And then we
Speaker 1: can't fault her for doing that because that's what's gonna
Speaker 1: make her. So yeah, it's it's it's always going to
Speaker 1: be there. But I mean that, But that also goes
Speaker 1: to also when you put something out on social media, right,
Speaker 1: like the same way, you're entitled to your opinion and
Speaker 1: create a list about the things you want to for peace.
Speaker 1: People are entitled to have their opinion about what you said.
Speaker 1: So if people are not going to be in agreement,
Speaker 1: you can't get upset about it. If people are gonna
Speaker 1: get upset about what you said, that comes with it. Yeah,
Speaker 1: you know, you could have chosen not to share it,
Speaker 1: but you chose to share it, and this is what happens.
Speaker 1: And I think you'll find peace and social media when
Speaker 1: you realize that people are entitled to have their opinions
Speaker 1: about what you say. But that's another podcast in itself.
Speaker 1: What I was going back to was you talking about
Speaker 1: being protected. Right. As a man, we often think being
Speaker 1: protected protecting our women often means well, if someone comes
Speaker 1: to approach my woman, I got to fight them, right,
Speaker 1: But protection comes in so many different forms. For example,
Speaker 1: going through your pregnancy going to the doctor, right, you
Speaker 1: always felt protected because you knew I would advocate for you.
Speaker 1: That has nothing to do with physical protection, but you
Speaker 1: knew my husband is always going to advocate for me
Speaker 1: and my health, So you can kind of let your
Speaker 1: guard down and relax absolutely, And I think a lot
Speaker 1: of people need to realize that that part of protection
Speaker 1: is probably more in the forefront of what women are
Speaker 1: looking for than someone actually physically fight or speak up
Speaker 1: for them. I remember, I remember we just talked told
Speaker 1: the story about when you're working at the hot zone
Speaker 1: and your cameraman was late and typically he finds a
Speaker 1: spot on the red carpet, and he was a reporter.
Speaker 1: But I drove you there and he wasn't there yet.
Speaker 1: So I parked the car yep, and I was like
Speaker 1: finding because you know that red carpet line for media,
Speaker 1: they just have papers on top of papers of all
Speaker 1: the different outlets and sources. And I fished out my
Speaker 1: paper and this is like one of my first few
Speaker 1: times that I've been out. So I was still trying
Speaker 1: to get my groove, and I was like, dival, listen,
Speaker 1: I need to come a hold my spot here, okay,
Speaker 1: because they're not about to bully me. I'm about to
Speaker 1: get my story. And in that moment you talked about
Speaker 1: a woman being submissive or playing the back role. In
Speaker 1: that moment, I was playing the back roll because you
Speaker 1: were the star. So I was there to just be
Speaker 1: your piece so that you could focus on your interviews
Speaker 1: and I could focus on all the other bullshit around it.
Speaker 1: And I think that's that's in turn, is peace really
Speaker 1: looks like in a marriage, right, It isn't designed or
Speaker 1: dedicated to a gender. It's dedicated to what your partner
Speaker 1: needs in that moment. You see what I'm saying. So
Speaker 1: when we talk about what a wife needs to provide
Speaker 1: peace for a husband on vice versa, it isn't dedicated
Speaker 1: to a gender. It's dedicated to what your partner needs
Speaker 1: in that moment. And maturity is realizing that, regardless of
Speaker 1: what gender you are or identify with, if your partner
Speaker 1: needs you in that moment to do something, you're willing
Speaker 1: to jump in in that moment and get it done.
Speaker 1: I cooked and cleaned when Kadeen was working full time
Speaker 1: as a makeup artist. When she books things and she's
Speaker 1: going for a week at a time and it was
Speaker 1: just me, Cairo and Kaz and Jackson in the apartment.
Speaker 1: I had to make breakfast, I had to get the
Speaker 1: kids ready for school. I had to make sure everything
Speaker 1: was clean. I ran Kadeen's bath when she came home
Speaker 1: to make sure that she was comfortable after being out
Speaker 1: on her feet all day. That's not a gender responsibility
Speaker 1: as a man, you know, So who's better equipped in
Speaker 1: this moment? And I think that's what peace is. I
Speaker 1: also think peace is picking your battles and picking your
Speaker 1: time wisely. For example, is it wise in this moment
Speaker 1: to bring my husband this little issue or something that
Speaker 1: may be bothering me, knowing that in this moment he
Speaker 1: has a lot of things going on, or this may
Speaker 1: be a big moment for him and this is something
Speaker 1: very minute, Or he's coming home from work a long
Speaker 1: day and has been stressed out and has been tired,
Speaker 1: and it's really just not going to want to be
Speaker 1: met at the door with combat. So maybe peace is
Speaker 1: going to look like for him, me putting my feelings
Speaker 1: on the back burner for now because it just may
Speaker 1: not be the right time. Or is it that big
Speaker 1: of a deal that I need to even disrupt his
Speaker 1: peace to discuss this. We've had moments like that where
Speaker 1: I was not using my better judgment and I'd brought
Speaker 1: things your way and you were just like, really, like,
Speaker 1: now now is not the best time, or did you
Speaker 1: really have a problem with this or that and then
Speaker 1: in retrospect, how I can say, Kadeen, like that really
Speaker 1: wasn't necessary in that moment. See I once again, it's maturity.
Speaker 1: This is definitely make thirties, late thirties, the violent Kadeen speaking. Yeah,
Speaker 1: we lay dirty, we lay dirties. It's a rap for
Speaker 1: us now it's a rat. But this is us speaking
Speaker 1: from years of figuring it. Let me tell y'all that
Speaker 1: giving each other grace and understanding that the as you're
Speaker 1: requiring peace, what you need in peace changes, right, So
Speaker 1: not jumping on your spouse the moment you don't get
Speaker 1: exactly what you want, but allowing them to work through
Speaker 1: a lot of these moments and figuring it out and
Speaker 1: still expecting that they're gonna make mistakes or not even
Speaker 1: make mistakes, because it's never a mistake. They're going to
Speaker 1: make choices sometimes that often reflects what they needed in
Speaker 1: the moment, and it's like, Okay, maybe I this moment
Speaker 1: should choose to be their piece. And there's a balance,
Speaker 1: there's a there's a dance that goes with it. It's
Speaker 1: never a streamless like Kadeen and I don't get it twisted.
Speaker 1: We're not at the point in our marriage where we're like,
Speaker 1: I know exactly what piece looks like from my wife,
Speaker 1: So when I wake up in the morning, I just
Speaker 1: do everything from from nine am to nine pm. That
Speaker 1: just creates the greatest sense of piece. We still are.
Speaker 1: We still look at each other and be like, for example,
Speaker 1: for example, we came back and in me trying to
Speaker 1: be a place of peace for my wife, I knew
Speaker 1: she wanted to get her nails done. So Kadeen had
Speaker 1: booked for Kairowan cast to have swimming lessons, Jackson had
Speaker 1: basketball practice and all of this was happening around three o'clock. Yeah,
Speaker 1: but she and Mimi and Papa weren't here. But she
Speaker 1: also wanted to get her nails done. Her nail appointment
Speaker 1: was at one thirty. So in me trying to be
Speaker 1: her piece and said, let me just allow her to
Speaker 1: do that. I'm a hand away in me trying to
Speaker 1: be his piece, in my baby. I could totally move
Speaker 1: my nail appointment because I know it's gonna be a
Speaker 1: lot to have stuff going on. So we're both hearts
Speaker 1: in the right place trying to be a space apiece.
Speaker 1: So I was like, no, go ahead, get your nails
Speaker 1: done at the time, I didn't know where her nail
Speaker 1: appointment was. So she goes to get her nail appointment.
Speaker 1: And now I woke up in the morning. I got
Speaker 1: Jackson ready for school, got the boys ready for school,
Speaker 1: took them to school, came back home. She took the
Speaker 1: baby to Keith and Bianca's house, went to get her
Speaker 1: nails done. At the same time, the best Barty people
Speaker 1: came to fix the theater. Right, So now I'm up
Speaker 1: kids to go get a nap. Couldn't get a nap
Speaker 1: because I had a strange man in my house. Had
Speaker 1: to meet Jackson at the bus stop to bring him
Speaker 1: back home, had to pick up Kyro and Cast to
Speaker 1: bring him back here, to pick up Jackson to get
Speaker 1: him ready for basketball practice. Drove in traffic to get
Speaker 1: them ready for swimming. Now I'm there swimming, waiting for
Speaker 1: Kadeen to come and relieve me so that I could
Speaker 1: take Jackson the basketball practice. Kadean decides, you want to
Speaker 1: stop to get food. I didn't decide I wanted to
Speaker 1: stop to get food. My husband was hungry and said, baby,
Speaker 1: I could will it or something to eat. It's been
Speaker 1: you wasn't too before that. I actually wasn't getting food
Speaker 1: before that. You didn't know that. Now you're lying in
Speaker 1: any event, in any event, in any event, Kadean was late, right,
Speaker 1: she was late. I ended up having to sit there
Speaker 1: the whole time to get to for swimming with Cairo
Speaker 1: and cass after, after kid got there, after the whole thing.
Speaker 1: I then had to drive in an hour and a
Speaker 1: half traffic to take Jackson to basketball practice. Didn't drive
Speaker 1: a whole hour back, which means I was going all day. Now,
Speaker 1: me trying to be her sense of peace, her trying
Speaker 1: to be my sense of priests. Our wires got cross right,
Speaker 1: and we were just neither one of us were peaceful.
Speaker 1: I mean she was peaceful because she was home with
Speaker 1: the kids, but I wasn't. But okay, and you know
Speaker 1: how much traffic I sat in all day? You said
Speaker 1: I was in peace with the kids. I was making
Speaker 1: a joke because it's like, how can you really have
Speaker 1: peace when you have three boys with I'd be at
Speaker 1: peace for my kids. I know when I'm downstairs. When
Speaker 1: I'm downstairs in the boys be just around me. At home,
Speaker 1: I'll be chilling, Like our kids are really good. I
Speaker 1: shouldn't say that they're really good. My whole point is
Speaker 1: is that even in that moment where we were trying
Speaker 1: to be peace for each other, we've been together for
Speaker 1: twenty years, there was still chaos and it was still
Speaker 1: moments where it was just like, why would you do that?
Speaker 1: Because in my mind, I was thinking, why would you
Speaker 1: set an appointment for one thirty? No one is going
Speaker 1: to take you at least an hour to get back,
Speaker 1: and your nails don't take fifteen minutes, which means you
Speaker 1: knew you weren't going to be back at three o'clock
Speaker 1: for the for the swimming lesson anyway. But it's like
Speaker 1: neither here nor there. But once I figure that out,
Speaker 1: that's when I said, baby, I would go ahead and
Speaker 1: cancel my appointment so that way we can have more
Speaker 1: hands on day today. And you said no, Baby could
Speaker 1: see what I'm saying. So the whole point of the
Speaker 1: story is, even while you're trying to be peace for
Speaker 1: someone else, it's never perfect. And allowing your partner, allowing
Speaker 1: grace for your partner to make some decision and you're
Speaker 1: trying to adjust on the decision is how marriage works.
Speaker 1: You know, peace doesn't look like one thing likes as
Speaker 1: a man I'm not saying, you know, we gotta have
Speaker 1: sex every day. You how to make six figures, You
Speaker 1: got to have two degrees. Your body has to look
Speaker 1: a certain way to breakfast has to be every morning,
Speaker 1: Dinner has to be on the table. The kids got
Speaker 1: to be taken care of. That's not what I need
Speaker 1: it in every day. And some people might need that.
Speaker 1: Some men might require that, or some men might require
Speaker 1: that on Monday, but on Tuesday they might require something different.
Speaker 1: Some women may require that you make a whole bunch
Speaker 1: of money to take them place and do stuff. But
Speaker 1: you might meet a woman who makes her own money
Speaker 1: who doesn't require you to be her peace financially. She
Speaker 1: may require you to be her peace at home. She
Speaker 1: may want you to be home when she gets home
Speaker 1: because she works in on Wall Street, or she works
Speaker 1: in the industry where she just putting up fourteen sixteen
Speaker 1: hours a day. Her piece may not come from you
Speaker 1: making a lot of money and paying all the bills.
Speaker 1: She may have that cover right. So the whole point
Speaker 1: is being someone's piece means that you need to focus
Speaker 1: on what that person needs and not what society is
Speaker 1: telling you based on your gender, should be doing to
Speaker 1: be that person's piece, or not being focused on what
Speaker 1: you think that person I need for their peace, because
Speaker 1: like we do often, I feel like you and I
Speaker 1: we have moments for both of our hearts may be
Speaker 1: in the right place when we do something, or we
Speaker 1: may we may do something because we feel like this
Speaker 1: is what devout leeds in this moment, and that's necessarily
Speaker 1: That's not necessarily what you needed or wanted to that.
Speaker 1: I told you exactly what I needed. I don't need
Speaker 1: you to your idea of what you think I need
Speaker 1: when I'm telling my way is better. So I'm going
Speaker 1: to give him what he wants sugarcoats. In ways, I'm
Speaker 1: glad you brought that point up, because I think that's
Speaker 1: often lost in relationships. People's intent right for lack of effort,
Speaker 1: not for not for knock of effort, but they're intent right.
Speaker 1: So for example, this because Kay brought up sex. She
Speaker 1: knows that I like when she dress up. I like
Speaker 1: when she puts on the nurse outfit and the chair
Speaker 1: leading outfit and stuff. It's you know, when you had
Speaker 1: it for so many years that it starts to crack
Speaker 1: and stuff. Yeah, that nurse outfit, that's it's done its course,
Speaker 1: run his course. The fake leather is it's not even
Speaker 1: leathering no more, and you've grown in a lot of
Speaker 1: areas so it don't even stretch the way it needs
Speaker 1: it's supposed to. For years, I've been saying, this is
Speaker 1: exactly what I like. So then Kadeen will come in
Speaker 1: and leotard and she's like, I thought this was cute.
Speaker 1: Remember the Bodysuth story. Remember shows. But that's examples. But
Speaker 1: when your partner tells you exactly what they want or
Speaker 1: what they need, don't give them your version of what
Speaker 1: you think they want or need. Listen, just listen. And
Speaker 1: the truth is sometimes you don't even know what your
Speaker 1: partner wants or needs because you're just not listening. Not
Speaker 1: that you're not that you're ignoring it, you're just not listening.
Speaker 1: Kadeen and I went through this on my end too
Speaker 1: as well, where I was trying to figure out what
Speaker 1: kadem wanted. I was like, I don't know how to
Speaker 1: be Kadeen's piece because she's not telling me what she
Speaker 1: needs half the time, kado don't know what the hell's
Speaker 1: going to be her. But you were, you were, you
Speaker 1: were saying what you needed and wanted, but I was
Speaker 1: trying to give you your idea, my idea of what
Speaker 1: your piece was. Like. When Kadeen decided in her life
Speaker 1: where she was really focused more on being a housewife
Speaker 1: and being a mom, I was like, I know my
Speaker 1: wife wants to be the next Oprah. I know she
Speaker 1: wants to conquer the world in media. So I was
Speaker 1: constantly pushing for her to pursue that dream and ignoring
Speaker 1: the fact that she was being clear to me that
Speaker 1: in this moment, I wanted to be a wife and
Speaker 1: a mom, Like yeah, And I just kept pushing and
Speaker 1: that's what and that's where her piece was. And I
Speaker 1: was just like, well, I remember saying, well, when we
Speaker 1: first met, this is what you said, instead of saying Dane,
Speaker 1: that was fifteen years ago. Guys, this October is gonna
Speaker 1: be twenty years. Yeah, together, so much has happened in
Speaker 1: twenty years. Yeah, and we would hope that we're not
Speaker 1: the same person in twenty years that we were at eighteen.
Speaker 1: I'll take some missing pieces of my eighteen year old
Speaker 1: self along my waistline, what else, my hair, But yeah,
Speaker 1: we've grown together. I think that's sometimes the harder part
Speaker 1: for people to do. Is suggest and grow, Yeah, and
Speaker 1: find ways to maneuver being that peace for that person,
Speaker 1: because it changes depending on what the hell you got
Speaker 1: going on in your life, and making a decision to
Speaker 1: be that person's peace, not making a decision to be
Speaker 1: married because you need peace. That's a huge point, right,
Speaker 1: deciding to be married because you need peace. Yes, that
Speaker 1: probably sounds like the most ass backward thing ever, bro,
Speaker 1: Why would you want to decide to marry somebody else
Speaker 1: to find peace? Listen, having to contend with somebody else's
Speaker 1: feelings and emotions and all that. Like, you can't just
Speaker 1: elect to do that just because you're looking for peace.
Speaker 1: But that's what people. People go into marriages looking at
Speaker 1: what they can receive from it, as opposed to saying
Speaker 1: I'm going into this marriage because of what I offer
Speaker 1: and what I can give. And when you go into
Speaker 1: marriage with that ego centric, you know, selfish mindset, you're
Speaker 1: always going to be disappointed. Yeah, because now you're looking
Speaker 1: at your partner and saying, you're not giving me what
Speaker 1: I need. You're not giving me and you're you're not
Speaker 1: even pouring into your partner. That's the first step to resentment. Absolutely,
Speaker 1: Like you were supposed to do all of these things,
Speaker 1: and I thought this was going to happen and it didn't.
Speaker 1: So then you owe me in a sense. Well, here's
Speaker 1: my thing, do you even? This is two goes to
Speaker 1: what Steve Harvey said, right, as a man, do you
Speaker 1: provide a place for your wife to be your piece? Right? So,
Speaker 1: for example, say you want a wife. This is just
Speaker 1: an example. It's not anyone in particular, because Steve didn't
Speaker 1: say this, and I don't want to be called as
Speaker 1: Steve said this, But say you want a wife that cooks, cleans,
Speaker 1: make sure as everything's taken care of when you get home.
Speaker 1: Are you providing a place with latitude for her to
Speaker 1: do those things? Or are you also saying you have
Speaker 1: to do those things and I need half of the
Speaker 1: rent every month you're gonna pay your own card? Note,
Speaker 1: Oh the kids need to be picked up, that's your job.
Speaker 1: You see what I'm saying. What I know what I
Speaker 1: did for Cadeen was I know what I required for
Speaker 1: my piece. So I tried to be all the other
Speaker 1: things for Kdean so that she could have the latitude
Speaker 1: to be those things for me. And that comes from
Speaker 1: being someone's peace. So it was like, wait a minute,
Speaker 1: the only way Kadean could be my piece is if
Speaker 1: I'm her piece. You know what I'm saying. So it's like,
Speaker 1: I have to put the work in to make sure
Speaker 1: you have the bandwidth to provide me with peace. If
Speaker 1: I'm not providing you piece first, how could I require
Speaker 1: that you be my piece? And that's what I'm saying.
Speaker 1: Marriage is about serving. You have to say, you know what,
Speaker 1: I want to be married because I can be of service.
Speaker 1: And that's part of the peace and pressure part. As
Speaker 1: a man, I felt like, based on what I require
Speaker 1: from my wife, I can't get married until I can
Speaker 1: provide the right amount of protection. You know what I'm saying,
Speaker 1: And you've successfully done so I appreciate that. I appreciate that.
Speaker 1: And you've also done the same thing, my queen. Think
Speaker 1: you've worked your ass off to be able to say
Speaker 1: I can put these things. And it's another thing too,
Speaker 1: it's a lot of things you're still figuring out. Though. Man,
Speaker 1: it's always helped to figure out because we're still relatively
Speaker 1: young and we still have the rest of our lives.
Speaker 1: But I've watched you over time make decisions about yourself
Speaker 1: and your career in order to be peace not only
Speaker 1: to me, but our children as well, because we have
Speaker 1: a responsibility now as parents to be their peace. Yeah,
Speaker 1: you're gonna see what I'm saying. So I've watched you
Speaker 1: in the morning wake up and say, you know what,
Speaker 1: rather than me taking care of kdein first, let me,
Speaker 1: for example, the days you're gonna leave early and be
Speaker 1: gone all day, Babe, what do you want for breakfast?
Speaker 1: Because I'm getting ready to leave and I'm just like ding,
Speaker 1: I'm not ready to get up. So then you'll make
Speaker 1: something and put it on a hot plate and be
Speaker 1: like it'll be prepared, or you'll say I'll make the shake,
Speaker 1: put it in the freezer. This is you deciding when
Speaker 1: you wake up, how can I be of service to
Speaker 1: my husband before I leave? Yep, you know what I'm saying.
Speaker 1: Because Kade ten fifteen years ago probably would have got
Speaker 1: up and left. And he's good, he's an adult, he's growing,
Speaker 1: he can own shop. I'll come home to develop. Would
Speaker 1: you have all day? Nothing? Nothing devout this mad food
Speaker 1: in the fridge? Yea, But you know, and be pissed
Speaker 1: and be pissed, and be and be pissed because I
Speaker 1: felt like I'm working my ass off eighteen hours a
Speaker 1: day to be your piece. Financially, I wanted you to
Speaker 1: work to be my piece. And the only way we
Speaker 1: got to that is about doing what talking about it.
Speaker 1: I used to say to kadein part of the reason
Speaker 1: why I don't eat is because my mind be going
Speaker 1: so much on what I need to do to be
Speaker 1: able to be there for you, that I don't think
Speaker 1: about myself. If I'm always thinking about you and you're
Speaker 1: thinking about you, who's thinking about me? But you have
Speaker 1: to openly say that. And if you don't say it,
Speaker 1: and you sit back and you expect your partner to
Speaker 1: just figure it out right, or you're dropping clues all
Speaker 1: day hoping that they just you know, put two and
Speaker 1: two together. They don't work. Don't really work like that.
Speaker 1: It don't work. It doesn't work like that. Don't So
Speaker 1: since you talk about clues, Yeah, you have the seven ways,
Speaker 1: the seven ways to keep peace in your marriage. All right,
Speaker 1: Let's start with number one. Be the first to apologize.
Speaker 1: Whether or not your spouse isn't the wrong alongside you
Speaker 1: doesn't matter. What matters is whether you're willing to step
Speaker 1: up and say you're sorry. First don't wait around for
Speaker 1: the spouse to come to you. If you have something
Speaker 1: you need to apologize for it, go ahead and do it.
Speaker 1: This will open the door for your spouse to respond
Speaker 1: in kind if he or she has been holding out.
Speaker 1: Be sure to only apologize if you actually have something
Speaker 1: to apologize for. I agree with that. Yeah, I also
Speaker 1: agree with this statement. I love when it comes to
Speaker 1: marriage and apologies. Do you want to be right or
Speaker 1: do you want to be happy? And a lot of
Speaker 1: times people refrain from apologizing because they want to be
Speaker 1: right because if I apologize, that means I'm admitting faults.
Speaker 1: So it's like I'm going to avoid admitting fault because
Speaker 1: I have to win, right. No one makes accountability right,
Speaker 1: you know. It's like I have to win, so I
Speaker 1: and the mid fault, I have to just say, I
Speaker 1: don't know what you're talking about. This is the way
Speaker 1: I did it, so and I say, as long as
Speaker 1: I win, I'm good. But then you win and y'all
Speaker 1: not talking? So are you happy? Right? You know what?
Speaker 1: And then like a term for that too, it's like
Speaker 1: right fighting, like you're you're fighting to be right or
Speaker 1: you're arguing to be right. With that and and was
Speaker 1: right fighting right fighting. It doesn't matter what argument is.
Speaker 1: I just got to be right right. I don't think
Speaker 1: that's something that we exercise though. We really try to
Speaker 1: get to the root of what the problem is and
Speaker 1: we don't agree on it because there was I'm a
Speaker 1: very argumented person. I was on a debate team in
Speaker 1: Andrew Tudy Junior High School. So kimboy be trying to
Speaker 1: argue me as a sport y'all light, I don't be
Speaker 1: trying to argue, but you did bring up sex, some
Speaker 1: of our best sex. We have to arguments that that feistiness,
Speaker 1: that that the correlation, that that West Indian Jamaican spice
Speaker 1: come out when you're angry, and that's sometimes when I
Speaker 1: get the best you know, archback when you're mad at
Speaker 1: first and then you want to pose. Ah, I see
Speaker 1: say it's a sublime man, because I'm like, good God,
Speaker 1: this guy likes to just pick on me. Okay, you
Speaker 1: read number two or I'll read it. I'll read it.
Speaker 1: Own your mistakes. Avoiding responsibility for bad decisions you make
Speaker 1: or hurtful things you say to your spouse will only
Speaker 1: make wounds fester and grow worse over time. Even though
Speaker 1: you might not want to admit to any wrong doing,
Speaker 1: it's best to bite the bullet and admit you made
Speaker 1: a mistake. Your spouse would be more likely to extend
Speaker 1: forgiveness sooner if you're willing to own your parts when
Speaker 1: you apologize. Yeah, account just because one person is accountable
Speaker 1: doesn't mean the other person want tom actually going to
Speaker 1: be accountable. Now we're going through that and I don't.
Speaker 1: I don't want to say this, and then people feel like, well,
Speaker 1: I own mind. Now you got to own yours. Yeah,
Speaker 1: just because you own yours don't mean your spouse is
Speaker 1: gonna own because there maybe one person very much in
Speaker 1: the wrong in that moment, or that person just may
Speaker 1: still will be someone who gets defensive. You and I
Speaker 1: have gone through this, Like I was an athlete most
Speaker 1: of my life, so accountability was a part of who
Speaker 1: I am. Kadean came from a family that didn't own accountability.
Speaker 1: It was just sweep things under the rug. So even
Speaker 1: when I would say, you know, I was wrong for
Speaker 1: doing this and blah blah blah blah, Coadean would be like, Okay,
Speaker 1: thank you, I was like thank you, like you ain't
Speaker 1: gonna admit and she'd be like, I didn't do nothing wrong.
Speaker 1: Just like the whole Gyro situation, she still ain't going
Speaker 1: to admit that she wanted to get a job tapping
Speaker 1: and let us know if you understood me or devours
Speaker 1: point of view on that good ahead. But any who,
Speaker 1: just when you think about owning mistakes, think about Gyros
Speaker 1: and Chick fil A. Are you team Gyro or team
Speaker 1: chick that's what you think. Don't tell me you be
Speaker 1: can pick aside, but no, but accountability does create a
Speaker 1: safe space for your spouse to say, you know what,
Speaker 1: if he or she can admit their wrongdoings, then maybe
Speaker 1: I should are doing the same thing so we can
Speaker 1: get to the real issue. Because sometimes there is no
Speaker 1: right or wrong, it's just different perspectives. And I think
Speaker 1: accountability comes with knowing that just because you can admit
Speaker 1: that you made a decision for yourself in that moment
Speaker 1: doesn't mean that it was a bad decision. A lot
Speaker 1: of times you see like mistake. I hate the word mistake.
Speaker 1: Unless you accidentally fell on a decision, It wasn't a mistake, nigga,
Speaker 1: You chose that. So it's either a decision you made
Speaker 1: for yourself and own well being, or did you make
Speaker 1: a decision for the greater good. That's why I don't
Speaker 1: say bad decision, because a lot of times you and
Speaker 1: I had to come to terms with the fact that,
Speaker 1: you know what, the decision you made wasn't a bad decision,
Speaker 1: but that decision you made was for yourself in that moment,
Speaker 1: and your decision in turn affected me right negatively, right,
Speaker 1: And because you weren't thinking about the greater good or
Speaker 1: all of us, your decision affected me negatively, but you
Speaker 1: gained greatly from it. And that doesn't mean that you
Speaker 1: purposely wanted to hurt your spouse. It's sometimes just like, dang,
Speaker 1: I'm making decisions for myself as opposed to making decisions
Speaker 1: for the group in total, and the group you mean
Speaker 1: you and your spouse or you your spouse and your
Speaker 1: kids and Kadin and I still go through that, even
Speaker 1: after twenty years. You make a decision and it's just like,
Speaker 1: why would you make that decision? You know and we
Speaker 1: both have done that. I mean it, it becomes it, well,
Speaker 1: how can you not see why I made this decision.
Speaker 1: I'm explaining it to you, and he's like, well, I
Speaker 1: don't want you to explain it to me because this
Speaker 1: is the outcome, this is how I felt. That should
Speaker 1: be exhausting, y'all, but that's part of it. That's part
Speaker 1: of trying to understand your partner's perspective, not agreeing with it,
Speaker 1: but understanding it. Okay, I understand where you're coming from.
Speaker 1: I still made my decision based on where I was
Speaker 1: in that moment. I'm not a mind reader, but I
Speaker 1: can understand how you took it that way. And as
Speaker 1: long as y'all can come to some sort of an
Speaker 1: agreement or understanding, you can move forward and not hold resentment. Yep.
Speaker 1: Number three, don't sweep things under the rug like val
Speaker 1: said I did on my side of family much of
Speaker 1: my life, just hoping things will just kind of dissipertate
Speaker 1: by itself if you don't mention it or look at
Speaker 1: it too tough. But that's not the case. So if
Speaker 1: you got any unresolved conflict under the service of your marriage,
Speaker 1: sooner or later, it's going to get bigger and bigger
Speaker 1: until you can't handle it anymo. Okay. So don't speak
Speaker 1: issues under the rug, hide from them, or send them
Speaker 1: down the road, Face them head on, and acknowledge their presence.
Speaker 1: So they can be less likely to keep growing. I
Speaker 1: think that's just straightforward, straightforward, Like the more you just
Speaker 1: hold stuff inside thinking it's gonna go away, the bigger
Speaker 1: it becomes. And then a small issue becomes a huge issue.
Speaker 1: And now you arguing over temperatures on the thermistead. I
Speaker 1: like it at seventy two, Well, big, you've got it
Speaker 1: at seventy three. A lot of times. The sweeping under
Speaker 1: the rug too A lot of time then kind of
Speaker 1: leads into that moment of blow up. Yes, and you
Speaker 1: have somebody blow up on you for something as simple
Speaker 1: as you know, you shrunk my favorite shirt in the
Speaker 1: dry it and then it's just like, well that you
Speaker 1: haven't been doing laundry for me, and it becomes like
Speaker 1: a whole yeah, you know, flood of you know, let
Speaker 1: me pull out this rollodex. I could tell you how
Speaker 1: many times you've annoyed me, and I've suppressed it for
Speaker 1: you know, so many times. But now this one little
Speaker 1: thing we've been there has erupted. We've been there, but
Speaker 1: I mean this really, and here's the argument that I've
Speaker 1: gotten from a lot of men, right, is that when
Speaker 1: something bothers you, initially as a man, right. Your first
Speaker 1: instinct isn't to go tell your wife because you don't
Speaker 1: want to be a nag, right, So you let it go, right,
Speaker 1: And then you let it go and let it go,
Speaker 1: and it keeps happening, and it keeps happening, and finally
Speaker 1: you blow up because it's happening. It's happened so often.
Speaker 1: What I try to tell a lot of my homeboys
Speaker 1: is like, you can't blame your wife if she shows
Speaker 1: a behavior and you let it go. In her mind,
Speaker 1: now she thinks that that behavior is okay. So when
Speaker 1: she keeps doing that behavior and you keep getting upset,
Speaker 1: how can you blame her exactly because you never said anything.
Speaker 1: And then they said, well, then if that was the case,
Speaker 1: every time something happens, I would say something as you should,
Speaker 1: kadein and I she knows. Every time I sit her
Speaker 1: down and I'm like, I just want to talk real quick,
Speaker 1: she'd be like, oh God, It's like I feel like,
Speaker 1: here we go. We have a talk every week. But
Speaker 1: let's be honest. If there's seven days in a week, right,
Speaker 1: twenty four hours in a day, and you sit down
Speaker 1: once a week and just talk for an hour about
Speaker 1: the things that bothered you, that's still less than two
Speaker 1: percent of the time you spend together. I guess if
Speaker 1: you put it that way, it is though, It is though.
Speaker 1: I can see that because what's twenty four times seven?
Speaker 1: Let me see that real quick? Hey, ninety eight two?
Speaker 1: Is it one away? No? No, what do you say? Now?
Speaker 1: Four time Seven's one hundred and sixty eight hours in
Speaker 1: a week. If you spend one hour of those one
Speaker 1: hundred and sixty eight talking about the issues that bothered
Speaker 1: you in a week, that's still less than one percent.
Speaker 1: But that hour to people seem like forever we talked
Speaker 1: about this for an hour and then a lot of
Speaker 1: times Cadino say to me, I can't do anything right,
Speaker 1: and I'm just like, for one hundred and sixty seven
Speaker 1: hours in the week, I've praised you. But for this
Speaker 1: one hour, I just told you something that you did
Speaker 1: was bother me. And now you feel like I'm saying
Speaker 1: you don't do nothing right. That's not fair, that's not
Speaker 1: fair for you to just take this one hour and
Speaker 1: make it seem like I'm always blowing up on you.
Speaker 1: And we've had we've had that conversation before. Yeah, right,
Speaker 1: But as an athlete, that's what happens after every practice.
Speaker 1: You have a practice, and after practice they come sit
Speaker 1: you down and show you everything you've done wrong. And
Speaker 1: that's where accountability comes from, because now you're prepared after
Speaker 1: practice to see, Okay, we don't care how many passes
Speaker 1: you caught, but you see this one time that you
Speaker 1: were not at your depth. We have to focus on
Speaker 1: this because this one time could be the time that
Speaker 1: costs us a game. And for me that became my reality.
Speaker 1: Let me approach something immediately. So we're not going to
Speaker 1: just collect all of the practice data and at the
Speaker 1: end of the week go over practice. We're gonna attack
Speaker 1: it right after practice when it happens. So when something
Speaker 1: happens that I don't like, I'm not gonna wait till
Speaker 1: the end of the week. Let's talk about it for
Speaker 1: twenty minutes. You know what I'm saying, And at the
Speaker 1: end of the week, at twenty minutes, maybe okay, we
Speaker 1: had three discussions this week, and you're like, every day
Speaker 1: this week, every other day was something. But those twenty
Speaker 1: minutes that you talk every other day it may seem repetitive,
Speaker 1: but those are going to be the twenty minutes that
Speaker 1: make you a better spouse. And that's what I try
Speaker 1: to tell husbands too, When their wives bring them something
Speaker 1: in real time, it's like she always got something she
Speaker 1: wanted to talk about. How long does it take you
Speaker 1: to listen to her? Even if it's an hour a day,
Speaker 1: that's still seven hours out of one hundred and sixty
Speaker 1: eight hours. That's still less than three percent. You can't
Speaker 1: listen to your wife tell you what she needs for
Speaker 1: three percent of the time y'all gonna be together all day.
Speaker 1: Think if you really think about that, If y'all spend
Speaker 1: an hour every day talking about the things that you
Speaker 1: liked and didn't like about each other, that's still less
Speaker 1: than three percent of the time that you had spend together.
Speaker 1: Imagine how many great moments you can have if you
Speaker 1: learn through your spouse like that. You see what I'm saying,
Speaker 1: I love that's but that's what you should be exhausting
Speaker 1: in the moment. Is gonna say she love it now,
Speaker 1: But let me wanta go to listen. I don't want
Speaker 1: the three percent. Whatever carried it too in the squirre
Speaker 1: routed forty six. All that this mathematician over here will
Speaker 1: debate you through math around numbers, but I just I
Speaker 1: just want to be clear. No, I want to put
Speaker 1: the work in clarity that part number five, encourage your
Speaker 1: spouse to face issues. Speaking of math, I can't even count.
Speaker 1: Go ahead, that's on you. You and your spouse can
Speaker 1: create peace together by facing down your conflicts, challenges and
Speaker 1: issues as a team. The two of you are stronger
Speaker 1: together than you are a part. I agree with that
Speaker 1: a thousand percent. And if only one of you was
Speaker 1: fighting your battles, that could lead to resentment and conflict
Speaker 1: between the two of you. Put your heads together and
Speaker 1: create solutions and ideas that will lead you away from
Speaker 1: strife and toward a happy, peaceful existence together. Okay, did
Speaker 1: we not just have this moment? Literally screaming, crying. I'm
Speaker 1: not doing this by myself. I need a solution. Let's
Speaker 1: get solutions. I don't have any. I'm not problem solving oriented,
Speaker 1: but figuring things out together together. We figure it out,
Speaker 1: We figure it out as we should. Yes, I mean shit,
Speaker 1: you're not gonna just be relying on me to do it,
Speaker 1: because God knows that's I don't even want to talk
Speaker 1: about it half the time much. Let's figure shit out.
Speaker 1: If there's one statement I hate or question I hate
Speaker 1: whenever we're having a discussion, is this question right here?
Speaker 1: What about? What do you want me to do? That's
Speaker 1: what I'm talking about it because I want to brainstorm
Speaker 1: so we can figure it out together. Why I don't
Speaker 1: want to figure nothing out? Don tell me what you
Speaker 1: need so we can move on. Because I'm tired. I'm
Speaker 1: gonna tell you what I'm talking. I'm gonna tell you
Speaker 1: what I don't work. Because when I tell you what
Speaker 1: I want and you don't do it, what do you
Speaker 1: want me to say after that? This is the same
Speaker 1: woman that says I'm tired, tell me what you want.
Speaker 1: I said, well, I want you just up as a schoolgirl.
Speaker 1: Then she puts on a leotard and then a cute leotard.
Speaker 1: Though y'all come, it was giving single ladies. It was
Speaker 1: giving single ladies meets like savage fancy. You looked great,
Speaker 1: thank you, but you said, I don't know what to do.
Speaker 1: Deviou what do you want? And I told you specifically
Speaker 1: what I want, and you gave me what she did
Speaker 1: in that moment, and the liotard was cute. So that's
Speaker 1: what you've got. So yes, have these conversations and no
Speaker 1: matter how exhausting they are. Listen to each other man
Speaker 1: and facing this shoes together. Don't leave it up to
Speaker 1: your partner. Don't ever say that's on you because you
Speaker 1: may not like the solution they come up with. And
Speaker 1: that's the truth. They come up with a solution and
Speaker 1: you're like, what, actually, no, let's scratch everything that you
Speaker 1: just said and it won't start over. Speak the truth
Speaker 1: in love Number five. Sometimes you have something to save
Speaker 1: your spouse and they don't want to hear it, and
Speaker 1: you know it's going to hurt you too. When your
Speaker 1: spouse responds and pain her anger, Approach him or her
Speaker 1: in a loving way and lay all your cards on
Speaker 1: the table. If he or she has an issue that
Speaker 1: is hurting your marriage or family, or is even just
Speaker 1: harmful to them in some way, you have to put
Speaker 1: it out there. It could be an addiction, her full behavior,
Speaker 1: or a number of things. Your spouse as well being
Speaker 1: may depend on you speaking up, and if he or
Speaker 1: she goes down a destructive path, your marriage goes down
Speaker 1: to Yeah. Sometimes that speaking truth and love don't be
Speaker 1: sounding very loving, you know, like speaking truth like sometimes
Speaker 1: when you have to get your point across. It doesn't
Speaker 1: necessarily sound like the most loving way or tone, but
Speaker 1: it sometimes just has to be done to get your
Speaker 1: point across. I get this because it's like you talk soft,
Speaker 1: you talk hard. It's like, well, not just say it.
Speaker 1: My truth may hurt your feelings, but how I say
Speaker 1: it can definitely solve from the blow. And that's what
Speaker 1: I think is, as you're speaking truth and love, I
Speaker 1: can't change the fact that I don't like this about you.
Speaker 1: But I can either scream it at you and talk
Speaker 1: down to you, or I can say it in a
Speaker 1: way where let's work on it away where we can
Speaker 1: both gain from it. Okay, So this you're thinking is
Speaker 1: more like the approach, yes, or how you become the
Speaker 1: beer of what could potentially be seen as bad news, right,
Speaker 1: how you deliver that right. For example, when we first
Speaker 1: got married, financially, we weren't on the same path, right,
Speaker 1: there were certain things in your family history that you
Speaker 1: weren't taught, certain things in mind that I was taught, right,
Speaker 1: And we used to sit down and have discussions about
Speaker 1: the American Express Bill. That's how you became known as
Speaker 1: the MCS killer. Right. Imagine. I used to say, I said, Babe,
Speaker 1: let's let's look at the American Express bill, right, and
Speaker 1: we would go through the bill, and even when in
Speaker 1: me saying let's just go through it and discuss it,
Speaker 1: you would get defensive. Sometimes. Imagine if I just came
Speaker 1: to you and being like, bits, what the fuck is
Speaker 1: your problem? You spending all this money? You're super bitch? Like?
Speaker 1: You know what I'm saying, right Like, there's certain ways
Speaker 1: to approach people where you don't have to condemn them.
Speaker 1: You don't have to talk down to them, you don't
Speaker 1: have to belittle them. You can say, hey, let's figure
Speaker 1: this out together, how to make this change? Got you?
Speaker 1: You know, the delivery, but also to being receptive to
Speaker 1: hearing something that you may not want to hear, because
Speaker 1: then that's when the vents mode kicks in and doesn't
Speaker 1: matter how nice and how sweet you deliver that that message,
Speaker 1: it's not gonna be received well anyhow. Potentially in college,
Speaker 1: remember when you had to have to talk with me
Speaker 1: about four play, right, I was nineteen years old, and
Speaker 1: all anybody talk about when you're nineteen is you got
Speaker 1: to drop the grade, beat the pussy up, right, So
Speaker 1: I used to come from practice to stashing on how
Speaker 1: being like I'm gonna just give my girl a grad day.
Speaker 1: I'm gonna beat the pussy up. And you had to
Speaker 1: be like your woo, buddy, You're gonna have to finesse this,
Speaker 1: and you could. You came to me in a very
Speaker 1: peaceful manner. You were concerned about my ego and you
Speaker 1: didn't want me to feel a way. So you talk
Speaker 1: to me nice. You're talking to me nice. You know
Speaker 1: what I'm saying. You didn't be like you stupid, you
Speaker 1: do you know what I'm saying, Like there's a care
Speaker 1: for you and somebody wants exactly know. But you approached
Speaker 1: me with love. Yes, you didn't just come and try
Speaker 1: to just down me and make me feel small and stupid.
Speaker 1: You were just like, hey, bro, like now I love
Speaker 1: you and I want you to love on me a
Speaker 1: little bit. You know, Like there's ways, And I think
Speaker 1: people need to learn in today's society too, that your
Speaker 1: truth can be spread with love. It doesn't have to
Speaker 1: be so angry all the time, you know. So I
Speaker 1: think you know what my help that those smaller moments
Speaker 1: of conversation, like for example, taking that half hour or
Speaker 1: that hour a week to just touch base about that
Speaker 1: have been happening, how you've been feeling things that may have,
Speaker 1: you know, happened during the week that just kind of
Speaker 1: are coming to a boiling point. By doing moments like
Speaker 1: that more often, you'd probably have a lot less of
Speaker 1: these moments. Yes, absolutely so. Yeah, it's like putting in
Speaker 1: the work bits and pieces to see the greater return
Speaker 1: on it. How many times have remember the monogamy episode
Speaker 1: or when we have the sex episodes? Do people who
Speaker 1: are not married who are who don't practice these forms
Speaker 1: of communication often say how can they talk to each
Speaker 1: other like this? It's because you haven't practiced the art
Speaker 1: of communicating openly with your spouse that when you hear
Speaker 1: two people speak like this to each other, it's off
Speaker 1: putting because she's being honest, he's being honest, and they're
Speaker 1: able to receive it and laugh and joke about it.
Speaker 1: But some people see it as disrespect or you know,
Speaker 1: but like you said, we've put in hours of work, right,
Speaker 1: so I know you, you know me. Now I know
Speaker 1: what to say or what you can take. You know
Speaker 1: what to say or what I can take. So we're
Speaker 1: able to, you know, talk to each other openly because
Speaker 1: we've practiced that and we've learned each other, and a
Speaker 1: whole lot less of beating around the bushes, getting to
Speaker 1: the point like we don't tiptoe around no more. Stay
Speaker 1: mad for a while, and every now and again i'll
Speaker 1: see if the something's bothering him. He won't stay it
Speaker 1: in that moment, but he'll come within the hour when
Speaker 1: he was found the right words to say what you
Speaker 1: needed to say, because you wanted to gather your thoughts,
Speaker 1: and I guess to be able to express to me
Speaker 1: eloquently and delicately how you feel without me having because
Speaker 1: you're you're you're fear and I'm fearful, but you're cautious
Speaker 1: of how I will receive it. Absolutely, Oh god, all right,
Speaker 1: we're almost there. Number six and then seven. Six is
Speaker 1: actually on the flip side of number five. But this
Speaker 1: is something that you talked about, fighting your tongue on
Speaker 1: the flip top. On the flip side. Sometimes you have
Speaker 1: to check yourself to keep the peace. You talked about this.
Speaker 1: Do you tend to speak before you think, saying hurtful
Speaker 1: things in the process. Is it sometimes hard to rain
Speaker 1: in your temper when you're going to get when the
Speaker 1: going gets rough. If you want to seek peace first.
Speaker 1: It will pay dividends to learn when to hold your
Speaker 1: tongue and think about what you're about to say before
Speaker 1: it comes out of your mouth. Case in point, Case
Speaker 1: in point, we just we just talk it just co
Speaker 1: side what we just said. So somebody knows about something
Speaker 1: not need and nuver seven, Ask for help. If your
Speaker 1: marriage is in trouble and you can't seem to achieve
Speaker 1: peace on your own, it's healthy and wise to ask
Speaker 1: for help a trusted friend, a pastor, mentor, counsel, counselor
Speaker 1: anyone who can help determine your next steps towards establishing
Speaker 1: peace in your marriage. Do your best to get your
Speaker 1: spouse on board and work together with that trusted person
Speaker 1: in order to get on solid ground. See therapy if
Speaker 1: you need it, y'all. Picking the right person is of
Speaker 1: paramount importance, Okay, because if you pick a friend with
Speaker 1: your single friends by marriage, or a pastor that's bias,
Speaker 1: or even if you pick a therapist, because therapists are
Speaker 1: people too, and if you pick a therapist who's bias
Speaker 1: on either side, that can hurt your marriage. You have
Speaker 1: to pick someone who has a great perspective and will
Speaker 1: always stay objective. Yes, because as long as they stay
Speaker 1: objective and have a unique perspective, you both can learn.
Speaker 1: Don't seek someone who shares your perspective because then they're
Speaker 1: seeing everything through your land and it's not going to
Speaker 1: help you. You don't want to get person on your
Speaker 1: team all the time. You don't. You need it from
Speaker 1: a different angle. Yep, sounds good. Good conversation today. I
Speaker 1: think we should get into some listen letters. Yeah, so
Speaker 1: we're gonna take a quick break and move into listener
Speaker 1: letters after we get into these ads. See y'all in
Speaker 1: a little bit take around, all right, we bet Kadeen's
Speaker 1: favorite part of the show. Baby, we want to go first?
Speaker 1: Goa go first, I go first, alright, bet all right,
Speaker 1: hey y'all. First of all, let me start off by
Speaker 1: saying I love you both oh so much and have
Speaker 1: been a fan for a very long time. Let you
Speaker 1: back SIS or bro and get to see who's writing it.
Speaker 1: All right. So basically, my boyfriend and I SIS have
Speaker 1: been together since we were eighteen and now twenty three
Speaker 1: and have a four month old baby boy. I'll sm
Speaker 1: me graduating from undergrad and looking to move on to
Speaker 1: my masters. Our plan was that we would move down
Speaker 1: south that I can finish my education there and because
Speaker 1: we both want a new beginning. We both technically still
Speaker 1: live at home, so this is also a big move
Speaker 1: for us. But and that's a big butt, y'all. My man,
Speaker 1: on the other hand, is a semi pro football player
Speaker 1: and his dreams of making it to the league. He
Speaker 1: currently He's currently not in school, but plans on going
Speaker 1: back and is a manager at his current job. My
Speaker 1: family thinks that we won't be together long because they
Speaker 1: say a baby changes the relationship and you you're graduating,
Speaker 1: you're going to want better for yourself. We both don't
Speaker 1: agree with what others are saying, and we're willing to
Speaker 1: fight for this relationship no matter what it takes. I
Speaker 1: don't want him to ever think I don't believe in
Speaker 1: his dreams or him period. But how do I tell
Speaker 1: him that it may be time to hang up his
Speaker 1: football career and maybe look for a full time job.
Speaker 1: He's a hard worker and I have no doubt that
Speaker 1: he will. He'll help with his part, but I'm afraid
Speaker 1: that football may stop him from trying to find a
Speaker 1: full time position. All right, former pro football player, what
Speaker 1: do you think? So here's the harsh reality. All of
Speaker 1: them football players. Okay, there are thirty two teams in
Speaker 1: the NFL, right, fifty three men on a rosseter. That
Speaker 1: means fifteen hundred spots. Seven hundred and fifty of those
Speaker 1: spots are retained every year by current players. That means
Speaker 1: every year there's about seven hundred to seven hundred and
Speaker 1: fifty new players who get opportunities. Right, every year, there
Speaker 1: are over ten thousand players who graduate from college. So
Speaker 1: if you are playing semi pro football, your chances of
Speaker 1: making it to the NFL is less than slim to none,
Speaker 1: less than slim to none because you got FCS, FBS,
Speaker 1: NAIA junior college. And believe it or not, they are
Speaker 1: taking football players from other sports. So they are going
Speaker 1: overseas and finding rugby players, some soccer players who play
Speaker 1: football because they're looking for athletes. The truth of the
Speaker 1: matter is, young man, if you were not good enough
Speaker 1: to make it into college, you are not going to
Speaker 1: get an opportunity in the NFL. There has never, and
Speaker 1: I mean never been a player who played semi pro
Speaker 1: football who hasn't afterwards played in college that got into
Speaker 1: the NFL. The only people I know who've played semi
Speaker 1: pro football, who even got an opportunity to even be
Speaker 1: seen by an NFL scout, or the guys who were
Speaker 1: in their early twenties who after playing semi pro decided
Speaker 1: to go to junior college and after junior college ended
Speaker 1: up in a four year of school. So you can
Speaker 1: be recruited. You will never be recruited to the NFL
Speaker 1: out of semi pro football. Just want to be clear, like,
Speaker 1: that's just not going to happen. With that being said,
Speaker 1: you two do not need anybody else to validate your
Speaker 1: relationship in order to make it work. Codeen's parents, my
Speaker 1: parents both told us this was not gonna work. Codeen's friends.
Speaker 1: My friends both told us this is not gonna work.
Speaker 1: In every aspect of our life. From college when we
Speaker 1: first got together, they were like, oh, you eighteen, your
Speaker 1: Division one athlete. She's a pretty girl. We'll see y'all
Speaker 1: in a year. We made it through that. When we
Speaker 1: were graduating and I was going into the NFL and
Speaker 1: she was going on in the TV. My teammates when
Speaker 1: I got to league, Oh, you got a girlfriend from college,
Speaker 1: all right, we'll see you at the end of the season.
Speaker 1: We made it through that, going in the TV film.
Speaker 1: I started to do TV. Kadeen was working in makeup,
Speaker 1: doing a whole bunch of different stuff. People just like, Oh,
Speaker 1: you're going in the TV. We'll see you in a year.
Speaker 1: We got on social media, Oh you're putting your family
Speaker 1: on social media. Y'all never make it through social media.
Speaker 1: Fast forward twenty years later, Kadeen and I are still
Speaker 1: holding together strong because we don't need anybody else to
Speaker 1: validate what we want to do with our lives. It's
Speaker 1: us period. It's us period. As long as you put
Speaker 1: the work in to be better, and he puts the
Speaker 1: work in and be better, y'all can do any thing
Speaker 1: you want, anything except go to the NFL from semi pro.
Speaker 1: That's not happening. Sorry, And I'm gonna give you some
Speaker 1: honest How did I be talking to me? He's like, Hey,
Speaker 1: you're not gonna do this, So you're just not gonna
Speaker 1: make it. That just what it is, because I don't
Speaker 1: want to feed false hope. If he wants to play
Speaker 1: in the NFL, you have to parlay that semi pro
Speaker 1: career to going to a year school to get seen.
Speaker 1: If you're not trying to go to a four year school,
Speaker 1: to get seen. You're not going to the league, bro,
Speaker 1: So this don't mean you ain't going. This means you
Speaker 1: gotta find yourself in the four year school first. I
Speaker 1: don't care if it's NAIA Division three, Division two. You
Speaker 1: have to find a way, all right, now that was
Speaker 1: that number two? Hey, y'all, Okay, let's get into it.
Speaker 1: And I'm twenty six. I'm in school and working two
Speaker 1: jobs and going to school full time. My bills are
Speaker 1: over three thousand dollars a month. I help my mom
Speaker 1: with my two younger siblings. She gets disability and there's
Speaker 1: barely enough to cover rent, so I pay the lights
Speaker 1: and her car, as well as Wi Fi and TV.
Speaker 1: My other siblings could care less, and they're also not
Speaker 1: in any better position than I am to help financially.
Speaker 1: Along with that, I have my own bills. I have
Speaker 1: mortgage and household bills that my husband and I split.
Speaker 1: My husband doesn't understand. He comes from a big family
Speaker 1: who has each other's back, and I don't. I come
Speaker 1: from struggle and having no one. I understand, when you
Speaker 1: get married it's you and your husband, But does that
Speaker 1: mean leaving my family to struggle while I'm living comfortably
Speaker 1: what do I do? I love my husband, but I
Speaker 1: would like a man who chiishes my family as much
Speaker 1: as I do, and seems to me he wants me
Speaker 1: to leave them hanging high and dry. Mind you, helping
Speaker 1: them doesn't affect our finances. We split everything. This has
Speaker 1: been bothering me because this is not what I envisioned
Speaker 1: my husband to be like. M So it said that
Speaker 1: your husband is just seeing you as an enabler for
Speaker 1: your family. Yeah, and he's trying to protect you maybe
Speaker 1: from being taken advantage of. Yeah. That kind of sounds
Speaker 1: like what's happening yeah here, because you're the only one
Speaker 1: the other siblings caring less and you're caring more. She
Speaker 1: said care less. Ye why would he? Why would your
Speaker 1: siblings care less? Because you're caring too much? Wow? Yep,
Speaker 1: bow simple. That's pretty much what's happening here, says And
Speaker 1: it may not be that your husband doesn't like your
Speaker 1: family per se, but they may not like he may
Speaker 1: not like the way that they're treating you in this
Speaker 1: moment because they see that you're going to be able
Speaker 1: to just support them and continue to support them because
Speaker 1: that's just what you've been doing. I think the times
Speaker 1: that We've had family members where we were being that
Speaker 1: crutch for them, were always being the one that they
Speaker 1: could run to for aid. The moments where we've literally
Speaker 1: kind of pulled back and allowed them to maybe have
Speaker 1: a moment where they fell flat on their face and
Speaker 1: watching them regain their footing has been the moments where
Speaker 1: we're like, ah, so you can't do this because you
Speaker 1: were forced to do this because you had no choice
Speaker 1: but to do this. Yes, I can be here as
Speaker 1: a support, but I'm not sitting here to support adults
Speaker 1: like I'm just not doing that. So that might be
Speaker 1: where your husband seeing things that's his because y'all have
Speaker 1: y'all bills well over three thousand dollars a month, and
Speaker 1: then you help your mom and your two younger siblings.
Speaker 1: You're paying the bill, the light, the car, the WiFi,
Speaker 1: the TV. Nobody has any reason to attempt to try
Speaker 1: to get themselves up and moving. I don't gonna say,
Speaker 1: because I agree with you, you gotta let people fall
Speaker 1: in order for them to learn how to walk. Yeah,
Speaker 1: you carry people to hold, how are they ever gonna
Speaker 1: learn right, regardless of the fact that you're doing it comfortably,
Speaker 1: Because it's not even that's not the point. It's just
Speaker 1: making bad habits because people. You can teach the man
Speaker 1: how to fish, or you can give them a fish.
Speaker 1: If you keep giving them a fish, what happens to
Speaker 1: him when something happens to you, God forbid, you know
Speaker 1: what I'm saying. That's some perspective too. That's the truth.
Speaker 1: If something would have ever happened to you and you
Speaker 1: can't provide no more, your family's gonna fall. You have
Speaker 1: to let them learn on their own. That's part of
Speaker 1: being a good siblings, letting them learn. We Kadeen and
Speaker 1: I have both been there as old as siblings. Oh yes,
Speaker 1: we've been there, and we support each other's families wholeheartedly absolutely,
Speaker 1: you know, supporting you your parents. We both understand that
Speaker 1: it depends on if your mom is a hard work
Speaker 1: or not. She didn't explain that, but your mom can
Speaker 1: also feel entitled if you've made it and now she
Speaker 1: feels like, well, you made it, so now you got
Speaker 1: to take care of me. You're not. You're not responsible
Speaker 1: to take care of your mom. This sounds crazy. You
Speaker 1: should feel a responsibility to help your mom in times
Speaker 1: of need, but your mom doesn't automatically become your dependent
Speaker 1: and any person who feels like I've had kids so
Speaker 1: they can take care of me. It's probably one of
Speaker 1: the most selfish things I've ever heard in my life.
Speaker 1: I there will never be a point in my life
Speaker 1: where I'm just gonna sit back and be like, well, Jackson,
Speaker 1: Cairo Kaz the code. I did this for y'all, So
Speaker 1: y'all owe me. No, did y'all nass to come here?
Speaker 1: Y'all came here on my guilty pleasures. It's not like
Speaker 1: y'all were sitting back in the universe saying, please devote,
Speaker 1: let me free, bring me into that, bring me down right.
Speaker 1: I have the responsibility to teach y'all how to become
Speaker 1: successful humans, and that's my goal. And once I do that,
Speaker 1: I still have a responsibility to protect and provide for
Speaker 1: my wife and protect and provide for myself. Absolutely all
Speaker 1: adults have that. Anybody puts that on their kids is
Speaker 1: messed up. So that's it, period, period. All right. If
Speaker 1: you want to be featured as one of our listener letters,
Speaker 1: be sure to email us at dead Ass Advice at
Speaker 1: gmail dot com. That's right, that's d E A d
Speaker 1: A s A d V I C E at gmail
Speaker 1: dot com. All right, moment of truth time, were talking
Speaker 1: about peace, The pressure is surrounding peace and all that.
Speaker 1: I think my moment of truth today is when it
Speaker 1: comes to peace and as it relates to your spouse,
Speaker 1: being careful to realize when there are moments that might
Speaker 1: disrupt peace and using discernment to decide whether or not
Speaker 1: it's a good time to do so, and finding ways
Speaker 1: to instead maybe insert a little bit more of those
Speaker 1: moments of peace so that way you can in turn
Speaker 1: be having those moments so that you can in turn
Speaker 1: have less moments of combat. Because I think timing a
Speaker 1: lot of times is everything. If it's a moment where
Speaker 1: you feel like this peace is necessary and I can
Speaker 1: just hold off on something that may be necessarily bothering
Speaker 1: me in that moment, let me hold off because devou
Speaker 1: deserves a moment of peace, or my spouse may not
Speaker 1: need this in this moment. I think that's part of
Speaker 1: the protection that I said that I like to feel
Speaker 1: when I have peace. I think you should also protect
Speaker 1: your spouse in that circumstance too, So I understand it
Speaker 1: makes sense. That makes sense just protecting their mental space,
Speaker 1: their mental health. My moment of peace is very simple.
Speaker 1: Moment of peace. My moment of truth is very simple.
Speaker 1: Providing peace doesn't come with a gender qualification, which means
Speaker 1: just because you're a woman or just because you're a man.
Speaker 1: You have to provide peace a certain way to your spouse.
Speaker 1: Peace looks like whatever your spouse needs in that moment.
Speaker 1: And we as a society, if people have to realize
Speaker 1: that we can't create peace for our spouse by listening
Speaker 1: to other people's idea of what they think peace is.
Speaker 1: The minute you do that, you're failing your spouse. Look
Speaker 1: at your spouse, Listen to your spouse and try to
Speaker 1: try to create whatever peace they need, because they and
Speaker 1: then will be able to create peace for you. You know,
Speaker 1: peace reciprocation of peace comes by creating peace first. Yes,
Speaker 1: so you cannot you cannot piece you know, expect peace, yes,
Speaker 1: or demand peace without being peace to your spouse. All right,
Speaker 1: It's like read the functual in the room. Is it
Speaker 1: is the front? Is the fun piecing or is it not?
Speaker 1: Is it giving piece or is it not? Read the room,
Speaker 1: Read the room and to piggyback or to add to
Speaker 1: my moment of truth, just implement within your relationship married
Speaker 1: or not that whatever percentage devout said of time or
Speaker 1: week to just touch base, to chat, whether it's over
Speaker 1: date night, you know y'all are making dinner together, taking
Speaker 1: a bath together, whatever, it may be a lot that
Speaker 1: time frame to just talk about, not necessarily even something
Speaker 1: that's bothering you per se, but saying, hey, babe, you
Speaker 1: know this week, I love that you went out your
Speaker 1: way to get me something to eat. And it might
Speaker 1: not have been Chick fil A. It might knew it was,
Speaker 1: but you knew what my i'm needed with some food.
Speaker 1: So you were a little late, but you got me
Speaker 1: something to eat. And I love you for that and
Speaker 1: I appreciate you for that, and you were my peace
Speaker 1: in that moment when I could not see Amen. Amen, Amen.
Speaker 1: And if you'd like to be featured one of our
Speaker 1: listener letters, email us. Oh we already did that, say
Speaker 1: oh you're trying to be facetious. Now he got he
Speaker 1: lost his place in the script. Let me go back
Speaker 1: to hosting the show. Be sure to find us on
Speaker 1: social media at dead as Advice. No, there you go.
Speaker 1: This is what happens karma, This is karma, this is
Speaker 1: let me try now, because you rested it up. This
Speaker 1: is how y'all know that we married, because should be
Speaker 1: going like this all the time. It's fine. Be sure
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