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Speaker 1: Okay, babe, you bring me peace. Oh that's nice. I

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Speaker 1: was prepared for something like really outlandish, So my SoundBite

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Speaker 1: today was the only pressure I'm interested in is the

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Speaker 1: ones that make diamonds. Baby, dead ass though, dead ass. Hey,

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Speaker 1: I'm Kadeen and I'm Devoured and we're the Ellises. You

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Speaker 1: may know us from posting funny videos with our boys

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Speaker 1: and reading each other publicly as a form of therapy. Wait,

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Speaker 1: I'll make you need therby most days. Wow. Oh and

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Speaker 1: one more important thing to mention, we're married, Yes, sir,

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Speaker 1: we are. We created this podcast to open dialogue about

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Speaker 1: some of the live's most taboo topics, things most folks

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Speaker 1: don't want to talk about. Do the lens of a

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Speaker 1: millennium married couple. Dead ass is a term that we

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Speaker 1: say every day. So when we say dead ass, we're

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Speaker 1: actually saying facts one hundred the truth, the whole truth,

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Speaker 1: and nothing but the truth. We about to take pillows

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Speaker 1: off to a whole new level. Dead as starts right now.

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Speaker 1: This story time is going to take us back to

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Speaker 1: before marriage. Even though you know, I wanted to talk

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Speaker 1: about peace and marriage, but this story time in particular

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Speaker 1: takes us back to when I knew that you were

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Speaker 1: the one person in the world that brought me peace.

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Speaker 1: This was two thousand and seven, two thousand no, no no, no, no.

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Speaker 1: This is two thousand and six, my rookie year in

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Speaker 1: the NFL, and this is the first time I had

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Speaker 1: been away from my family. I had been away from

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Speaker 1: you four months at a time because I was a

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Speaker 1: free agent trial for the Detroit Lions. And the first

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Speaker 1: preseason game I played, okay, I had two solo tackles.

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Speaker 1: I didn't get a lot of opportunity because I was

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Speaker 1: a free agent. Of course you don't get a lot

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Speaker 1: of opportunity. But now in this second preseason game, Eddie Drummond,

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Speaker 1: who was the starting point return and kick return at

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Speaker 1: the time, was just like, Oh, I'm a growing it's

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Speaker 1: hurting me. I don't really want to return. And they

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Speaker 1: were just like, Yola's here's your opportunity. You're gonna start

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Speaker 1: punt return, kick return this day. And we were playing

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Speaker 1: the Cleveland Browns. And on this day, you had flew

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Speaker 1: in the second preseason game. You had flew in prior

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Speaker 1: to that week of practice to spend a week with me,

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Speaker 1: and I was so nervous going into this week of

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Speaker 1: practice because I had never returned punts and kicks as

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Speaker 1: a starter in college. I was a number one receiver

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Speaker 1: in college, so they kept your away from special teams

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Speaker 1: because they didn't want you to be injured. I returned

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Speaker 1: kicks in college when they needed someone to make a

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Speaker 1: playdate with throw me back then, like you devout, can

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Speaker 1: you get us past a fifty? So yeah, it was

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Speaker 1: just they would do that. But I was never a

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Speaker 1: starting point return kick returner, right, so now they're asking

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Speaker 1: me to return punts and kicks in the NFL. I

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Speaker 1: was nervous. Kadeen gets there on that. I think Tuesday,

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Speaker 1: the day I have off, Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday, Friday were

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Speaker 1: the best practices I had ever had at the Detroit

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Speaker 1: Lions at that point. And part of it was because

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Speaker 1: my focus wasn't solely on practice. I knew that my

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Speaker 1: baby was back home. I was thinking about finally having

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Speaker 1: a reprieve when I got back to my hotel room

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Speaker 1: because at the time, when we were in camp, you're

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Speaker 1: not allowed to bring people to the hotel room. So

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Speaker 1: Kadean had got an extended stay and I used to

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Speaker 1: just go in there and leave. That had to be

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Speaker 1: back for curfew, but that's all my mind was on.

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Speaker 1: But that allowed me a place of peace amongst all

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Speaker 1: the chaos at practice. And having that little bit of

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Speaker 1: reprieve helped me because number two, I was finally eating

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Speaker 1: dinners during my breaks for the two days we would

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Speaker 1: meet up and have lunch, and it just really meant

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Speaker 1: a lot to me that someone could be my sense

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Speaker 1: of peace amongst everything that was going on. And it

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Speaker 1: was at that time I'll never forget. It was two

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Speaker 1: thousand and six, that summer that I was just like,

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Speaker 1: this is what it must feel like to have a

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Speaker 1: wife at home. This is my piece. It was just

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Speaker 1: playing playing adults for me. You know, we thought we

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Speaker 1: were doing all the things, you know what I mean.

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Speaker 1: I was being somebody's wife before my time. You were.

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Speaker 1: And what happened that preseason game? You ended up proposing No, no, no,

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Speaker 1: not no, not the game, but I mean the game

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Speaker 1: surely after that proposed After that game was the best

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Speaker 1: preseason game I had. I ended up returning the kick,

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Speaker 1: I ended up catching three passes, and finally the coach

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Speaker 1: is like, yo, this kid can make plays. And I

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Speaker 1: ended up making a team after that pretty much based

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Speaker 1: on that preseason. Let me tell you, baby, it was

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Speaker 1: worth the blood, sweat and tears that I had to

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Speaker 1: hear about from me me and I had to tell

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Speaker 1: your girl at twenty something years old that I was

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Speaker 1: moving to Michigan to be with my boot. Now on

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Speaker 1: the perfect day, I knew that I can go you

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Speaker 1: when that's not possible, bo totally, Can you stone the

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Speaker 1: stone because I need some body who by me. I

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Speaker 1: got allergy issues too. No, No, that's in the part.

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Speaker 1: You could have sung because you're a little higher, but

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Speaker 1: you can't, so I jump I can. I appreciate you

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Speaker 1: though through the good times and that time always always

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Speaker 1: being right, suny days. Everybody loves them. Let me tell

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Speaker 1: you you can't. Can you stay in the rain? I've

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Speaker 1: listened because of you, I could stay in the range. Well,

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Speaker 1: I mean there's a new addition. The original version there's

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Speaker 1: the boys. Toman version was exactly exactly, but there was

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Speaker 1: a base a bass singer and Voysment wasn't there. Yeah,

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Speaker 1: forgot his name his name. All I know is that

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Speaker 1: you can't try to sing like wan ya. Have you

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Speaker 1: went get a headache? Let's take a quick break, y'all.

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Speaker 1: I want to go get some water, and uh, we're

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Speaker 1: gonna move into the show, go back to story time. Yeah,

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Speaker 1: I was about to say, let's go in to new

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Speaker 1: listener letters. Look at me being nosy fast all right,

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Speaker 1: back now, back back back from story time. I feel

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Speaker 1: like we were each other's piece really really early on,

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Speaker 1: even prior to you being in Detroit. Just in general,

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Speaker 1: like getting through college, it was such a different experience,

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Speaker 1: I know, just for me at least, finally being away

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Speaker 1: from home. And no, wait, I say that lightly because

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Speaker 1: we were going back and forth for the most part

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Speaker 1: between Half String and Brooklyn. It was like a forty

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Speaker 1: five minute drive, so I never really felt like I

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Speaker 1: was too far away from home. If I ever needed

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Speaker 1: to go, we went. But there was just like a

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Speaker 1: sense of piece that I think we always had whenever

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Speaker 1: we were together, regardless of where we were on campus.

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Speaker 1: I had my own four walls that you were very

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Speaker 1: much a part of. Yah, part of all your walls.

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Speaker 1: I always stay setting myself up. But but yeah, it

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Speaker 1: was almost like the sense of when the world could

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Speaker 1: have literally been crumbling around us and we would not

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Speaker 1: have noticed. I mean, the world has crumbled around us

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Speaker 1: a couple of times. When you think about the things

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Speaker 1: that we've been through in our life, from the NFL

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Speaker 1: getting cut, moving back, the recession, rebuilding, rebuilding, build more surgeriesgencies,

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Speaker 1: emergency surgeries, after labor and delivery. Like, there's been a

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Speaker 1: lot of times where it seemed like things were crumbling

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Speaker 1: and we've been able to be each other's peace. But

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Speaker 1: let's let's talk a little bit about it. Because in

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Speaker 1: an interview earlier this year, Steve Harvey gave credit to

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Speaker 1: his wife for helping him create the career that he

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Speaker 1: has today. You know, he said, the career that people

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Speaker 1: see today, I can only tell you that it came

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Speaker 1: from the peace she provided. Harvey said, it freed my

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Speaker 1: mind up to become the creative that I wanted to be.

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Speaker 1: How does peace in your marriage help you and your

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Speaker 1: personal goals and endeavors. It's a good one. I didn't

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Speaker 1: actually see the interviewed you I did, That's part of it.

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Speaker 1: I know that there was. It was. It was met

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Speaker 1: with some praise some vitriol because some people felt as

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Speaker 1: if he was taking shots at his ex wives and

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Speaker 1: saying that, you know, he can't just credit this one

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Speaker 1: woman for everything that he has, right, I guess because

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Speaker 1: I guess the side of that that people would probably

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Speaker 1: want to mention is that he's been working on his

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Speaker 1: career for a long time. But maybe it wasn't necessarily

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Speaker 1: the most peaceful environment that he was having to work

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Speaker 1: through this, So maybe that's why he's crediting his current wife, right, Marjorie,

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Speaker 1: And I mean once again, I mean, this is his

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Speaker 1: perspective of his life. You know, we we find out

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Speaker 1: through social media that everyone has opinions about someone else's

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Speaker 1: perspective on their own life, their own life. Yes so,

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Speaker 1: and in a lot of time, their opinions come are

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Speaker 1: often projections of things that they've gone through in their

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Speaker 1: own life. So it could have been a lot of

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Speaker 1: people who's boyfriends went on and married someone else because

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Speaker 1: they weren't peace and then you find out that, you know,

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Speaker 1: oh oh so I wasn't his piece, and then it

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Speaker 1: has to be here's the reason why. Right. A lot

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Speaker 1: of people were posting this interview and posting his comments,

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Speaker 1: and a lot of women were upset saying, well, he

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Speaker 1: was married four times, so he wasn't those women's peace either,

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Speaker 1: which is fair, that's fair to say, But that doesn't

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Speaker 1: mean that Marjorie shouldn't be credited as being his piece, right,

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Speaker 1: found it right? And peace goes both ways, right, So

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Speaker 1: just because he credits his current wife doesn't mean that

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Speaker 1: he's absolved of not being peace for his previous why right?

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Speaker 1: And I think also too, the thing we should keep

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Speaker 1: in mind is that peace probably looks different for everybody.

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Speaker 1: Absolutely who were talking pre show like, peace can be

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Speaker 1: so many different things for so many different people. And

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Speaker 1: I think tapping into your spouse's desired avenues of getting

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Speaker 1: to pieces necessary rather than you trying to implement whatever

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Speaker 1: you think that peace should look like. And it's not

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Speaker 1: really it, that is true, It's not really it that

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Speaker 1: should Well, there was another woman who I think shortly

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Speaker 1: after I forgot that the clip, but she had created

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Speaker 1: a post that also went virals, saying that you know,

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Speaker 1: all you women out here who are going out here

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Speaker 1: to be quote unquote bad bitches saying you make six

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Speaker 1: figures and saying you do this and you do that,

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Speaker 1: are not realizing that a man that's looking for peace

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Speaker 1: doesn't need you to list the things that you've accomplished

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Speaker 1: to be his piece. What if all the things you

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Speaker 1: accomplished don't bring me peace to him? Yeah? And then

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Speaker 1: she was met with backlash, and you know a lot

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Speaker 1: of women were saying, well, does that mean that I

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Speaker 1: can't have my own and be my own boss. In

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Speaker 1: order to be a man's piece, I got to be

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Speaker 1: his mama. But that's not necessarily needed to be the

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Speaker 1: person's peace. Somebody to wash your drawers and clean your

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Speaker 1: you know, cook for you and things like that. That's

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Speaker 1: not necessarily peace for a man either. So then, and

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Speaker 1: that comes to what I wanted to discuss with you

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Speaker 1: today is how do we get to a point where

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Speaker 1: a man's piece is all put into a list of

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Speaker 1: one thing, like all men require, this is the same

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Speaker 1: thing for women, Like, there's no one list that a

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Speaker 1: man has to require in order to meet a woman's peace.

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Speaker 1: Are you sure that one thing ain't just sex? Wouldn't

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Speaker 1: that bring me a lot of men peace if they

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Speaker 1: got sex consistently from their wives? No? No, because men

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Speaker 1: find sex fairly often. If you're if you're a type

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Speaker 1: of man who gets sex from women easily, I'm talking

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Speaker 1: about a marriage, I mean, assuming that it's a monogamous,

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Speaker 1: monogamous relationship. Is sex a good place to start? Nah?

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Speaker 1: I don't think sex is a good place to start.

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Speaker 1: I think sex is part of it, but I don't

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Speaker 1: think it's a good place to start. Maybe like that

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Speaker 1: immediate tension reliever or that Nah, sex can't bring you peace,

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Speaker 1: though sex, sex will relieve whatever's happening in that moment

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Speaker 1: for a short period of time, right, That's what I'm saying,

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Speaker 1: that moment, that right at that moment. But peace comes

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Speaker 1: from a totality of things, right. So for example, if

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Speaker 1: you spend all the money, you can't cook, then you

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Speaker 1: can't clean, you never home because you out your friends,

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Speaker 1: or you never home because you're out making your own money.

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Speaker 1: But then the short amount of time you are home,

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Speaker 1: you we just fucking that doesn't bring peace, you know

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Speaker 1: what I'm saying, Like, there's so many other things that

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Speaker 1: are involved in creating peace that I think that we

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Speaker 1: as a society or trying to find what peace is

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Speaker 1: for everyone by looking through one lens, and that fails

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Speaker 1: for men and women because you hear men say all

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Speaker 1: the time or in order to have great peace for

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Speaker 1: a woman, all you need his money, which is not

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Speaker 1: the case because there are a lot of rich men

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Speaker 1: whose wives have said I don't feel peace for here.

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Speaker 1: I mean Bill Gates and his wife are getting a divorce,

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Speaker 1: you know, And here's a man who has unlimited amounts

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Speaker 1: of resources and his wife wasn't feeling at peace married

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Speaker 1: to him. So it's not always money. You know. If

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Speaker 1: you look at some of the most beautiful women in

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Speaker 1: the world who have been cheated on, you know, you

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Speaker 1: would think that sex cures everything. She's a beautiful woman.

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Speaker 1: They must have great sex all the time she was

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Speaker 1: still cheating on. So it doesn't mean that sex cures

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Speaker 1: everything for a man. I think that what we have

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Speaker 1: to do as a people and start to realize that

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Speaker 1: individuals require different things. And the minute you try to

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Speaker 1: tell and make what that individual needs based on what

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Speaker 1: you think everyone else is saying, is when you're gonna fail.

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Speaker 1: You have to ask your partner absolutely what creates peace

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Speaker 1: for them. You know you ain't gonna find it online, right,

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Speaker 1: you know? If I listen to social the worst place

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Speaker 1: to start, y'all is really the worst place to start

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Speaker 1: for sure. Well, we have seven ways to keep peace

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Speaker 1: in your marriage. And this came from I believe triple

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Speaker 1: said an article or a website. Yeah, I want to

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Speaker 1: know what peace looks like for you as a woman

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Speaker 1: before we even get to trying to keep the peace.

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Speaker 1: What does peace look like? Peace looks like for me?

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Speaker 1: So there's For me, I think peace is very synonymous

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Speaker 1: with security, being able to feel like I can let

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Speaker 1: my guard down that I don't necessarily have to worry about. Certainly,

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Speaker 1: you an't even talking about financial security or now you

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Speaker 1: just security, just security in general. I mean, financial security

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Speaker 1: does have a lot to do with it, because that

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Speaker 1: does create a lot of stress in general for people,

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Speaker 1: and that's man when in child like whoever. But for

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Speaker 1: me in general, I think that peace looks really being protected. Yeah, yeah,

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Speaker 1: feeling protected, feeling safe, feeling taken care of. If I'm

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Speaker 1: talking in relation to my spouse, being able to have

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Speaker 1: the latitude to do the things that I'd like to do,

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Speaker 1: whether it's professionally personally. Having that support also brings me

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Speaker 1: peace because I also feel like I have somebody who

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Speaker 1: is on the same page as me, we can move

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Speaker 1: in one accord, who will support me wholeheartedly and whatever

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Speaker 1: those decisions are and look like those things for me

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Speaker 1: are just peace where there's just there's no I mean

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Speaker 1: I can't even say no disagreement because I think the

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Speaker 1: disagreement sometimes it's necessary to get you to what it

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Speaker 1: is we really want. But yeah, just a feeling taken

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Speaker 1: care of kind of sense is what I enjoy. Even

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Speaker 1: when people talk about, for example, submitting to a man

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Speaker 1: because you know he can be a leader, I have

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Speaker 1: no problem doing that. And I find peace in leaning

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Speaker 1: on my husband or empowering him to be the man

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Speaker 1: and to be the one to head the household. And

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Speaker 1: I'm okay taking you know, the supporting character role or

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Speaker 1: following his lead because I know that you have it

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Speaker 1: under control and there's a sense of piece that I

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Speaker 1: have with that. So I wanted I wanted to speak

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Speaker 1: on and I appreciate you talking about that because that's

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Speaker 1: also a big time topic when it comes to finding peace,

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Speaker 1: because I think Cam Newton also said something that went

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Speaker 1: crazy on Twitter when he was saying, like a lot

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Speaker 1: of women come out here and the first thing when

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Speaker 1: they go on a date is once again that he

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Speaker 1: used a quote, and he said he's using a quote

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Speaker 1: based on what they say, not on whatever he feels.

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Speaker 1: But I'm a boss bitch. I don't need a man.

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Speaker 1: I don't need X y Z. And it's like, well cool,

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Speaker 1: that's how people are leading on dates, right, and he's saying,

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Speaker 1: but that's not what I'm looking for to be my piece, right,

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Speaker 1: So that's what you want to do, that's fine, but

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Speaker 1: that's not what I'm looking for it he said, you know,

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Speaker 1: shut up, you know what I'm saying. But can you cook?

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Speaker 1: Can you clean? That? He got for that, But there

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Speaker 1: were also some women who I saw who were just like,

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Speaker 1: I don't see what's wrong with him saying what he wants.

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Speaker 1: He wants peace, because then he can find someone who's

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Speaker 1: willing to do that, because he's he's valued it over

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Speaker 1: half a billion dollars. He's not necessarily looking for someone

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Speaker 1: to be his financial partner, you know, so it's okay

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Speaker 1: for him to say what he wants. And this was

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Speaker 1: this was men and women saying that why is it

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Speaker 1: every time a man says what they want or need

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Speaker 1: for peace, women find fault with it. But women are

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Speaker 1: allowed to create their lists, you know, And I think

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Speaker 1: that comes from that is fair. That is fair because

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Speaker 1: but that also if you understand history and knowing that

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Speaker 1: women have very rarely had the voice to speak about

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Speaker 1: the things they want in their need in the history

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Speaker 1: of life, that now women finally have a voice to

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Speaker 1: say it, but they want to be vocal about it.

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Speaker 1: So we can't just now say, well, it has to

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Speaker 1: be even. No, it's not going to be even. You know,

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Speaker 1: the tide is turning and we have to accept the

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Speaker 1: fact that the patriarchy is no longer controlling the narrative. Well,

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Speaker 1: I can't understand. And what grinds my gears sometimes with

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Speaker 1: social media is that we encourage people to be transparent, right,

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Speaker 1: to be authentic, to speak your truth, to let people

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Speaker 1: know how you really feel, and then when you do that,

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Speaker 1: you're then met with so much you know, aggression from people.

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Speaker 1: First date. If it does not speak to you, then

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Speaker 1: leave it alone. Because he has he's well within his

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Speaker 1: right to say what it is he's looking for in

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Speaker 1: a woman. It may not be useless, it may not

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Speaker 1: be useless, but since over here is probably like you

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Speaker 1: know what, I'm cool with that because I don't mind

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Speaker 1: cooking and cleaning and cater into a man because that's

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Speaker 1: what will fulfill me. That is true, And then we

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Speaker 1: can't fault her for doing that because that's what's gonna

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Speaker 1: make her. So yeah, it's it's it's always going to

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Speaker 1: be there. But I mean that, But that also goes

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Speaker 1: to also when you put something out on social media, right,

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Speaker 1: like the same way, you're entitled to your opinion and

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Speaker 1: create a list about the things you want to for peace.

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Speaker 1: People are entitled to have their opinion about what you said.

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Speaker 1: So if people are not going to be in agreement,

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Speaker 1: you can't get upset about it. If people are gonna

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Speaker 1: get upset about what you said, that comes with it. Yeah,

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Speaker 1: you know, you could have chosen not to share it,

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Speaker 1: but you chose to share it, and this is what happens.

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Speaker 1: And I think you'll find peace and social media when

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Speaker 1: you realize that people are entitled to have their opinions

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Speaker 1: about what you say. But that's another podcast in itself.

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Speaker 1: What I was going back to was you talking about

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Speaker 1: being protected. Right. As a man, we often think being

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Speaker 1: protected protecting our women often means well, if someone comes

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Speaker 1: to approach my woman, I got to fight them, right,

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Speaker 1: But protection comes in so many different forms. For example,

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Speaker 1: going through your pregnancy going to the doctor, right, you

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Speaker 1: always felt protected because you knew I would advocate for you.

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Speaker 1: That has nothing to do with physical protection, but you

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Speaker 1: knew my husband is always going to advocate for me

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Speaker 1: and my health, So you can kind of let your

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Speaker 1: guard down and relax absolutely, And I think a lot

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Speaker 1: of people need to realize that that part of protection

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Speaker 1: is probably more in the forefront of what women are

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Speaker 1: looking for than someone actually physically fight or speak up

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Speaker 1: for them. I remember, I remember we just talked told

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Speaker 1: the story about when you're working at the hot zone

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Speaker 1: and your cameraman was late and typically he finds a

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Speaker 1: spot on the red carpet, and he was a reporter.

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Speaker 1: But I drove you there and he wasn't there yet.

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Speaker 1: So I parked the car yep, and I was like

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Speaker 1: finding because you know that red carpet line for media,

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00:19:24,600 --> 00:19:26,359
Speaker 1: they just have papers on top of papers of all

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Speaker 1: the different outlets and sources. And I fished out my

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Speaker 1: paper and this is like one of my first few

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Speaker 1: times that I've been out. So I was still trying

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Speaker 1: to get my groove, and I was like, dival, listen,

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Speaker 1: I need to come a hold my spot here, okay,

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Speaker 1: because they're not about to bully me. I'm about to

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Speaker 1: get my story. And in that moment you talked about

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Speaker 1: a woman being submissive or playing the back role. In

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Speaker 1: that moment, I was playing the back roll because you

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00:19:49,240 --> 00:19:52,199
Speaker 1: were the star. So I was there to just be

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00:19:52,400 --> 00:19:54,640
Speaker 1: your piece so that you could focus on your interviews

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Speaker 1: and I could focus on all the other bullshit around it.

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Speaker 1: And I think that's that's in turn, is peace really

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00:20:01,680 --> 00:20:06,040
Speaker 1: looks like in a marriage, right, It isn't designed or

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00:20:06,080 --> 00:20:09,600
Speaker 1: dedicated to a gender. It's dedicated to what your partner

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Speaker 1: needs in that moment. You see what I'm saying. So

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Speaker 1: when we talk about what a wife needs to provide

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Speaker 1: peace for a husband on vice versa, it isn't dedicated

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Speaker 1: to a gender. It's dedicated to what your partner needs

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Speaker 1: in that moment. And maturity is realizing that, regardless of

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Speaker 1: what gender you are or identify with, if your partner

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00:20:29,920 --> 00:20:32,439
Speaker 1: needs you in that moment to do something, you're willing

399
00:20:32,480 --> 00:20:34,320
Speaker 1: to jump in in that moment and get it done.

400
00:20:35,320 --> 00:20:38,200
Speaker 1: I cooked and cleaned when Kadeen was working full time

401
00:20:38,240 --> 00:20:40,400
Speaker 1: as a makeup artist. When she books things and she's

402
00:20:40,440 --> 00:20:42,320
Speaker 1: going for a week at a time and it was

403
00:20:42,359 --> 00:20:45,120
Speaker 1: just me, Cairo and Kaz and Jackson in the apartment.

404
00:20:46,040 --> 00:20:47,919
Speaker 1: I had to make breakfast, I had to get the

405
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Speaker 1: kids ready for school. I had to make sure everything

406
00:20:50,119 --> 00:20:52,639
Speaker 1: was clean. I ran Kadeen's bath when she came home

407
00:20:53,000 --> 00:20:55,320
Speaker 1: to make sure that she was comfortable after being out

408
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Speaker 1: on her feet all day. That's not a gender responsibility

409
00:20:58,680 --> 00:21:01,280
Speaker 1: as a man, you know, So who's better equipped in

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Speaker 1: this moment? And I think that's what peace is. I

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Speaker 1: also think peace is picking your battles and picking your

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Speaker 1: time wisely. For example, is it wise in this moment

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Speaker 1: to bring my husband this little issue or something that

414
00:21:18,400 --> 00:21:22,560
Speaker 1: may be bothering me, knowing that in this moment he

415
00:21:22,600 --> 00:21:24,639
Speaker 1: has a lot of things going on, or this may

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Speaker 1: be a big moment for him and this is something

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00:21:26,880 --> 00:21:29,920
Speaker 1: very minute, Or he's coming home from work a long

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Speaker 1: day and has been stressed out and has been tired,

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Speaker 1: and it's really just not going to want to be

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Speaker 1: met at the door with combat. So maybe peace is

421
00:21:38,520 --> 00:21:41,800
Speaker 1: going to look like for him, me putting my feelings

422
00:21:42,280 --> 00:21:44,440
Speaker 1: on the back burner for now because it just may

423
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Speaker 1: not be the right time. Or is it that big

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Speaker 1: of a deal that I need to even disrupt his

425
00:21:48,560 --> 00:21:52,240
Speaker 1: peace to discuss this. We've had moments like that where

426
00:21:52,359 --> 00:21:55,760
Speaker 1: I was not using my better judgment and I'd brought

427
00:21:55,800 --> 00:21:57,600
Speaker 1: things your way and you were just like, really, like,

428
00:21:57,720 --> 00:21:59,920
Speaker 1: now now is not the best time, or did you

429
00:22:00,119 --> 00:22:01,680
Speaker 1: really have a problem with this or that and then

430
00:22:01,760 --> 00:22:04,680
Speaker 1: in retrospect, how I can say, Kadeen, like that really

431
00:22:04,760 --> 00:22:09,760
Speaker 1: wasn't necessary in that moment. See I once again, it's maturity.

432
00:22:09,840 --> 00:22:17,360
Speaker 1: This is definitely make thirties, late thirties, the violent Kadeen speaking. Yeah,

433
00:22:17,400 --> 00:22:20,240
Speaker 1: we lay dirty, we lay dirties. It's a rap for

434
00:22:20,320 --> 00:22:23,600
Speaker 1: us now it's a rat. But this is us speaking

435
00:22:23,680 --> 00:22:29,080
Speaker 1: from years of figuring it. Let me tell y'all that

436
00:22:29,520 --> 00:22:33,919
Speaker 1: giving each other grace and understanding that the as you're

437
00:22:33,960 --> 00:22:37,960
Speaker 1: requiring peace, what you need in peace changes, right, So

438
00:22:38,200 --> 00:22:41,040
Speaker 1: not jumping on your spouse the moment you don't get

439
00:22:41,119 --> 00:22:44,200
Speaker 1: exactly what you want, but allowing them to work through

440
00:22:44,720 --> 00:22:47,280
Speaker 1: a lot of these moments and figuring it out and

441
00:22:47,400 --> 00:22:50,280
Speaker 1: still expecting that they're gonna make mistakes or not even

442
00:22:50,280 --> 00:22:52,840
Speaker 1: make mistakes, because it's never a mistake. They're going to

443
00:22:52,920 --> 00:22:57,760
Speaker 1: make choices sometimes that often reflects what they needed in

444
00:22:57,800 --> 00:23:00,400
Speaker 1: the moment, and it's like, Okay, maybe I this moment

445
00:23:00,480 --> 00:23:03,359
Speaker 1: should choose to be their piece. And there's a balance,

446
00:23:03,400 --> 00:23:05,320
Speaker 1: there's a there's a dance that goes with it. It's

447
00:23:05,359 --> 00:23:08,360
Speaker 1: never a streamless like Kadeen and I don't get it twisted.

448
00:23:08,600 --> 00:23:10,320
Speaker 1: We're not at the point in our marriage where we're like,

449
00:23:10,400 --> 00:23:12,720
Speaker 1: I know exactly what piece looks like from my wife,

450
00:23:12,840 --> 00:23:14,320
Speaker 1: So when I wake up in the morning, I just

451
00:23:14,359 --> 00:23:18,280
Speaker 1: do everything from from nine am to nine pm. That

452
00:23:18,359 --> 00:23:20,760
Speaker 1: just creates the greatest sense of piece. We still are.

453
00:23:21,440 --> 00:23:24,160
Speaker 1: We still look at each other and be like, for example,

454
00:23:24,680 --> 00:23:28,040
Speaker 1: for example, we came back and in me trying to

455
00:23:28,119 --> 00:23:30,720
Speaker 1: be a place of peace for my wife, I knew

456
00:23:30,720 --> 00:23:34,840
Speaker 1: she wanted to get her nails done. So Kadeen had

457
00:23:35,600 --> 00:23:40,399
Speaker 1: booked for Kairowan cast to have swimming lessons, Jackson had

458
00:23:40,480 --> 00:23:45,200
Speaker 1: basketball practice and all of this was happening around three o'clock. Yeah,

459
00:23:45,480 --> 00:23:48,919
Speaker 1: but she and Mimi and Papa weren't here. But she

460
00:23:49,000 --> 00:23:51,200
Speaker 1: also wanted to get her nails done. Her nail appointment

461
00:23:51,240 --> 00:23:55,280
Speaker 1: was at one thirty. So in me trying to be

462
00:23:56,160 --> 00:23:57,600
Speaker 1: her piece and said, let me just allow her to

463
00:23:57,600 --> 00:23:59,000
Speaker 1: do that. I'm a hand away in me trying to

464
00:23:59,040 --> 00:24:00,639
Speaker 1: be his piece, in my baby. I could totally move

465
00:24:00,680 --> 00:24:02,359
Speaker 1: my nail appointment because I know it's gonna be a

466
00:24:02,400 --> 00:24:04,639
Speaker 1: lot to have stuff going on. So we're both hearts

467
00:24:04,680 --> 00:24:06,879
Speaker 1: in the right place trying to be a space apiece.

468
00:24:07,320 --> 00:24:09,760
Speaker 1: So I was like, no, go ahead, get your nails

469
00:24:09,760 --> 00:24:11,960
Speaker 1: done at the time, I didn't know where her nail

470
00:24:11,960 --> 00:24:15,960
Speaker 1: appointment was. So she goes to get her nail appointment.

471
00:24:16,320 --> 00:24:19,640
Speaker 1: And now I woke up in the morning. I got

472
00:24:19,720 --> 00:24:22,679
Speaker 1: Jackson ready for school, got the boys ready for school,

473
00:24:22,720 --> 00:24:25,439
Speaker 1: took them to school, came back home. She took the

474
00:24:25,520 --> 00:24:28,240
Speaker 1: baby to Keith and Bianca's house, went to get her

475
00:24:28,280 --> 00:24:31,120
Speaker 1: nails done. At the same time, the best Barty people

476
00:24:31,160 --> 00:24:33,280
Speaker 1: came to fix the theater. Right, So now I'm up

477
00:24:33,359 --> 00:24:35,080
Speaker 1: kids to go get a nap. Couldn't get a nap

478
00:24:35,119 --> 00:24:37,320
Speaker 1: because I had a strange man in my house. Had

479
00:24:37,359 --> 00:24:39,000
Speaker 1: to meet Jackson at the bus stop to bring him

480
00:24:39,040 --> 00:24:40,680
Speaker 1: back home, had to pick up Kyro and Cast to

481
00:24:40,720 --> 00:24:42,280
Speaker 1: bring him back here, to pick up Jackson to get

482
00:24:42,320 --> 00:24:45,240
Speaker 1: him ready for basketball practice. Drove in traffic to get

483
00:24:45,280 --> 00:24:47,879
Speaker 1: them ready for swimming. Now I'm there swimming, waiting for

484
00:24:48,119 --> 00:24:49,880
Speaker 1: Kadeen to come and relieve me so that I could

485
00:24:49,880 --> 00:24:52,600
Speaker 1: take Jackson the basketball practice. Kadean decides, you want to

486
00:24:52,640 --> 00:24:54,680
Speaker 1: stop to get food. I didn't decide I wanted to

487
00:24:54,720 --> 00:24:58,040
Speaker 1: stop to get food. My husband was hungry and said, baby,

488
00:24:58,119 --> 00:25:00,400
Speaker 1: I could will it or something to eat. It's been

489
00:25:00,640 --> 00:25:02,960
Speaker 1: you wasn't too before that. I actually wasn't getting food

490
00:25:03,000 --> 00:25:06,719
Speaker 1: before that. You didn't know that. Now you're lying in

491
00:25:06,760 --> 00:25:10,960
Speaker 1: any event, in any event, in any event, Kadean was late, right,

492
00:25:11,160 --> 00:25:14,560
Speaker 1: she was late. I ended up having to sit there

493
00:25:14,600 --> 00:25:18,720
Speaker 1: the whole time to get to for swimming with Cairo

494
00:25:18,800 --> 00:25:22,440
Speaker 1: and cass after, after kid got there, after the whole thing.

495
00:25:22,560 --> 00:25:24,080
Speaker 1: I then had to drive in an hour and a

496
00:25:24,119 --> 00:25:29,560
Speaker 1: half traffic to take Jackson to basketball practice. Didn't drive

497
00:25:29,600 --> 00:25:33,320
Speaker 1: a whole hour back, which means I was going all day. Now,

498
00:25:33,880 --> 00:25:36,720
Speaker 1: me trying to be her sense of peace, her trying

499
00:25:36,760 --> 00:25:40,480
Speaker 1: to be my sense of priests. Our wires got cross right,

500
00:25:40,600 --> 00:25:43,359
Speaker 1: and we were just neither one of us were peaceful.

501
00:25:43,440 --> 00:25:44,919
Speaker 1: I mean she was peaceful because she was home with

502
00:25:44,960 --> 00:25:50,040
Speaker 1: the kids, but I wasn't. But okay, and you know

503
00:25:50,080 --> 00:25:53,680
Speaker 1: how much traffic I sat in all day? You said

504
00:25:53,680 --> 00:25:55,000
Speaker 1: I was in peace with the kids. I was making

505
00:25:55,040 --> 00:25:56,439
Speaker 1: a joke because it's like, how can you really have

506
00:25:56,480 --> 00:25:58,840
Speaker 1: peace when you have three boys with I'd be at

507
00:25:58,880 --> 00:26:01,520
Speaker 1: peace for my kids. I know when I'm downstairs. When

508
00:26:01,520 --> 00:26:04,080
Speaker 1: I'm downstairs in the boys be just around me. At home,

509
00:26:04,119 --> 00:26:06,760
Speaker 1: I'll be chilling, Like our kids are really good. I

510
00:26:06,800 --> 00:26:09,040
Speaker 1: shouldn't say that they're really good. My whole point is

511
00:26:09,040 --> 00:26:11,359
Speaker 1: is that even in that moment where we were trying

512
00:26:11,400 --> 00:26:13,359
Speaker 1: to be peace for each other, we've been together for

513
00:26:13,359 --> 00:26:16,720
Speaker 1: twenty years, there was still chaos and it was still

514
00:26:16,720 --> 00:26:18,520
Speaker 1: moments where it was just like, why would you do that?

515
00:26:18,560 --> 00:26:21,439
Speaker 1: Because in my mind, I was thinking, why would you

516
00:26:21,440 --> 00:26:24,240
Speaker 1: set an appointment for one thirty? No one is going

517
00:26:24,320 --> 00:26:26,000
Speaker 1: to take you at least an hour to get back,

518
00:26:26,040 --> 00:26:28,040
Speaker 1: and your nails don't take fifteen minutes, which means you

519
00:26:28,119 --> 00:26:29,880
Speaker 1: knew you weren't going to be back at three o'clock

520
00:26:29,920 --> 00:26:32,480
Speaker 1: for the for the swimming lesson anyway. But it's like

521
00:26:32,560 --> 00:26:34,280
Speaker 1: neither here nor there. But once I figure that out,

522
00:26:34,280 --> 00:26:35,680
Speaker 1: that's when I said, baby, I would go ahead and

523
00:26:35,720 --> 00:26:37,520
Speaker 1: cancel my appointment so that way we can have more

524
00:26:37,520 --> 00:26:39,400
Speaker 1: hands on day today. And you said no, Baby could

525
00:26:39,440 --> 00:26:41,159
Speaker 1: see what I'm saying. So the whole point of the

526
00:26:41,200 --> 00:26:43,359
Speaker 1: story is, even while you're trying to be peace for

527
00:26:43,440 --> 00:26:47,600
Speaker 1: someone else, it's never perfect. And allowing your partner, allowing

528
00:26:47,960 --> 00:26:50,720
Speaker 1: grace for your partner to make some decision and you're

529
00:26:50,760 --> 00:26:53,639
Speaker 1: trying to adjust on the decision is how marriage works.

530
00:26:54,200 --> 00:26:56,360
Speaker 1: You know, peace doesn't look like one thing likes as

531
00:26:56,400 --> 00:26:59,119
Speaker 1: a man I'm not saying, you know, we gotta have

532
00:26:59,160 --> 00:27:01,000
Speaker 1: sex every day. You how to make six figures, You

533
00:27:01,040 --> 00:27:04,600
Speaker 1: got to have two degrees. Your body has to look

534
00:27:04,640 --> 00:27:07,320
Speaker 1: a certain way to breakfast has to be every morning,

535
00:27:07,359 --> 00:27:09,080
Speaker 1: Dinner has to be on the table. The kids got

536
00:27:09,080 --> 00:27:11,800
Speaker 1: to be taken care of. That's not what I need

537
00:27:11,840 --> 00:27:13,800
Speaker 1: it in every day. And some people might need that.

538
00:27:14,520 --> 00:27:17,119
Speaker 1: Some men might require that, or some men might require

539
00:27:17,160 --> 00:27:21,159
Speaker 1: that on Monday, but on Tuesday they might require something different.

540
00:27:21,600 --> 00:27:24,000
Speaker 1: Some women may require that you make a whole bunch

541
00:27:24,000 --> 00:27:25,560
Speaker 1: of money to take them place and do stuff. But

542
00:27:25,640 --> 00:27:27,359
Speaker 1: you might meet a woman who makes her own money

543
00:27:27,680 --> 00:27:30,560
Speaker 1: who doesn't require you to be her peace financially. She

544
00:27:30,640 --> 00:27:32,760
Speaker 1: may require you to be her peace at home. She

545
00:27:32,800 --> 00:27:34,440
Speaker 1: may want you to be home when she gets home

546
00:27:34,440 --> 00:27:37,080
Speaker 1: because she works in on Wall Street, or she works

547
00:27:37,080 --> 00:27:39,399
Speaker 1: in the industry where she just putting up fourteen sixteen

548
00:27:39,440 --> 00:27:41,840
Speaker 1: hours a day. Her piece may not come from you

549
00:27:41,920 --> 00:27:43,720
Speaker 1: making a lot of money and paying all the bills.

550
00:27:43,800 --> 00:27:46,440
Speaker 1: She may have that cover right. So the whole point

551
00:27:46,520 --> 00:27:49,840
Speaker 1: is being someone's piece means that you need to focus

552
00:27:49,880 --> 00:27:52,760
Speaker 1: on what that person needs and not what society is

553
00:27:52,760 --> 00:27:55,840
Speaker 1: telling you based on your gender, should be doing to

554
00:27:55,880 --> 00:27:58,959
Speaker 1: be that person's piece, or not being focused on what

555
00:27:59,000 --> 00:28:01,439
Speaker 1: you think that person I need for their peace, because

556
00:28:01,520 --> 00:28:03,760
Speaker 1: like we do often, I feel like you and I

557
00:28:03,840 --> 00:28:05,440
Speaker 1: we have moments for both of our hearts may be

558
00:28:05,560 --> 00:28:08,320
Speaker 1: in the right place when we do something, or we

559
00:28:07,840 --> 00:28:10,520
Speaker 1: may we may do something because we feel like this

560
00:28:10,720 --> 00:28:13,760
Speaker 1: is what devout leeds in this moment, and that's necessarily

561
00:28:13,800 --> 00:28:15,760
Speaker 1: That's not necessarily what you needed or wanted to that.

562
00:28:16,000 --> 00:28:18,400
Speaker 1: I told you exactly what I needed. I don't need

563
00:28:18,440 --> 00:28:21,960
Speaker 1: you to your idea of what you think I need

564
00:28:22,359 --> 00:28:25,080
Speaker 1: when I'm telling my way is better. So I'm going

565
00:28:25,160 --> 00:28:27,960
Speaker 1: to give him what he wants sugarcoats. In ways, I'm

566
00:28:27,960 --> 00:28:29,800
Speaker 1: glad you brought that point up, because I think that's

567
00:28:29,880 --> 00:28:35,919
Speaker 1: often lost in relationships. People's intent right for lack of effort,

568
00:28:35,920 --> 00:28:37,920
Speaker 1: not for not for knock of effort, but they're intent right.

569
00:28:37,960 --> 00:28:42,800
Speaker 1: So for example, this because Kay brought up sex. She

570
00:28:42,880 --> 00:28:45,200
Speaker 1: knows that I like when she dress up. I like

571
00:28:45,320 --> 00:28:49,160
Speaker 1: when she puts on the nurse outfit and the chair

572
00:28:49,240 --> 00:28:52,040
Speaker 1: leading outfit and stuff. It's you know, when you had

573
00:28:52,080 --> 00:28:53,760
Speaker 1: it for so many years that it starts to crack

574
00:28:53,800 --> 00:28:57,640
Speaker 1: and stuff. Yeah, that nurse outfit, that's it's done its course,

575
00:28:57,800 --> 00:29:01,000
Speaker 1: run his course. The fake leather is it's not even

576
00:29:01,120 --> 00:29:03,480
Speaker 1: leathering no more, and you've grown in a lot of

577
00:29:03,520 --> 00:29:05,640
Speaker 1: areas so it don't even stretch the way it needs

578
00:29:06,880 --> 00:29:08,720
Speaker 1: it's supposed to. For years, I've been saying, this is

579
00:29:08,720 --> 00:29:11,040
Speaker 1: exactly what I like. So then Kadeen will come in

580
00:29:11,080 --> 00:29:14,000
Speaker 1: and leotard and she's like, I thought this was cute.

581
00:29:14,120 --> 00:29:23,959
Speaker 1: Remember the Bodysuth story. Remember shows. But that's examples. But

582
00:29:25,160 --> 00:29:27,840
Speaker 1: when your partner tells you exactly what they want or

583
00:29:27,880 --> 00:29:31,800
Speaker 1: what they need, don't give them your version of what

584
00:29:31,960 --> 00:29:37,400
Speaker 1: you think they want or need. Listen, just listen. And

585
00:29:37,200 --> 00:29:39,479
Speaker 1: the truth is sometimes you don't even know what your

586
00:29:39,480 --> 00:29:42,720
Speaker 1: partner wants or needs because you're just not listening. Not

587
00:29:42,840 --> 00:29:46,640
Speaker 1: that you're not that you're ignoring it, you're just not listening.

588
00:29:46,960 --> 00:29:48,640
Speaker 1: Kadeen and I went through this on my end too

589
00:29:48,640 --> 00:29:51,120
Speaker 1: as well, where I was trying to figure out what

590
00:29:51,200 --> 00:29:53,200
Speaker 1: kadem wanted. I was like, I don't know how to

591
00:29:53,200 --> 00:29:56,920
Speaker 1: be Kadeen's piece because she's not telling me what she

592
00:29:57,000 --> 00:29:59,360
Speaker 1: needs half the time, kado don't know what the hell's

593
00:29:59,400 --> 00:30:02,800
Speaker 1: going to be her. But you were, you were, you

594
00:30:02,800 --> 00:30:04,880
Speaker 1: were saying what you needed and wanted, but I was

595
00:30:04,920 --> 00:30:07,160
Speaker 1: trying to give you your idea, my idea of what

596
00:30:07,240 --> 00:30:09,720
Speaker 1: your piece was. Like. When Kadeen decided in her life

597
00:30:09,720 --> 00:30:12,160
Speaker 1: where she was really focused more on being a housewife

598
00:30:12,360 --> 00:30:15,080
Speaker 1: and being a mom, I was like, I know my

599
00:30:15,120 --> 00:30:17,360
Speaker 1: wife wants to be the next Oprah. I know she

600
00:30:17,400 --> 00:30:19,480
Speaker 1: wants to conquer the world in media. So I was

601
00:30:19,560 --> 00:30:23,760
Speaker 1: constantly pushing for her to pursue that dream and ignoring

602
00:30:24,320 --> 00:30:26,120
Speaker 1: the fact that she was being clear to me that

603
00:30:26,160 --> 00:30:27,800
Speaker 1: in this moment, I wanted to be a wife and

604
00:30:27,840 --> 00:30:30,920
Speaker 1: a mom, Like yeah, And I just kept pushing and

605
00:30:30,920 --> 00:30:32,719
Speaker 1: that's what and that's where her piece was. And I

606
00:30:32,760 --> 00:30:34,959
Speaker 1: was just like, well, I remember saying, well, when we

607
00:30:35,000 --> 00:30:38,920
Speaker 1: first met, this is what you said, instead of saying Dane,

608
00:30:38,960 --> 00:30:43,000
Speaker 1: that was fifteen years ago. Guys, this October is gonna

609
00:30:43,000 --> 00:30:46,640
Speaker 1: be twenty years. Yeah, together, so much has happened in

610
00:30:46,640 --> 00:30:48,680
Speaker 1: twenty years. Yeah, and we would hope that we're not

611
00:30:48,720 --> 00:30:51,080
Speaker 1: the same person in twenty years that we were at eighteen.

612
00:30:51,560 --> 00:30:53,640
Speaker 1: I'll take some missing pieces of my eighteen year old

613
00:30:53,680 --> 00:30:59,520
Speaker 1: self along my waistline, what else, my hair, But yeah,

614
00:31:00,000 --> 00:31:02,320
Speaker 1: we've grown together. I think that's sometimes the harder part

615
00:31:02,320 --> 00:31:04,760
Speaker 1: for people to do. Is suggest and grow, Yeah, and

616
00:31:04,800 --> 00:31:07,520
Speaker 1: find ways to maneuver being that peace for that person,

617
00:31:07,800 --> 00:31:10,440
Speaker 1: because it changes depending on what the hell you got

618
00:31:10,520 --> 00:31:12,560
Speaker 1: going on in your life, and making a decision to

619
00:31:12,600 --> 00:31:14,760
Speaker 1: be that person's peace, not making a decision to be

620
00:31:14,800 --> 00:31:17,720
Speaker 1: married because you need peace. That's a huge point, right,

621
00:31:17,960 --> 00:31:20,760
Speaker 1: deciding to be married because you need peace. Yes, that

622
00:31:20,840 --> 00:31:23,400
Speaker 1: probably sounds like the most ass backward thing ever, bro,

623
00:31:23,560 --> 00:31:25,520
Speaker 1: Why would you want to decide to marry somebody else

624
00:31:25,560 --> 00:31:29,959
Speaker 1: to find peace? Listen, having to contend with somebody else's

625
00:31:30,000 --> 00:31:31,840
Speaker 1: feelings and emotions and all that. Like, you can't just

626
00:31:31,960 --> 00:31:33,800
Speaker 1: elect to do that just because you're looking for peace.

627
00:31:34,000 --> 00:31:38,480
Speaker 1: But that's what people. People go into marriages looking at

628
00:31:38,480 --> 00:31:41,800
Speaker 1: what they can receive from it, as opposed to saying

629
00:31:41,840 --> 00:31:44,160
Speaker 1: I'm going into this marriage because of what I offer

630
00:31:44,280 --> 00:31:47,280
Speaker 1: and what I can give. And when you go into

631
00:31:47,360 --> 00:31:51,959
Speaker 1: marriage with that ego centric, you know, selfish mindset, you're

632
00:31:52,000 --> 00:31:54,880
Speaker 1: always going to be disappointed. Yeah, because now you're looking

633
00:31:54,880 --> 00:31:56,520
Speaker 1: at your partner and saying, you're not giving me what

634
00:31:56,560 --> 00:31:58,560
Speaker 1: I need. You're not giving me and you're you're not

635
00:31:58,560 --> 00:32:02,120
Speaker 1: even pouring into your partner. That's the first step to resentment. Absolutely,

636
00:32:02,160 --> 00:32:04,480
Speaker 1: Like you were supposed to do all of these things,

637
00:32:04,480 --> 00:32:06,680
Speaker 1: and I thought this was going to happen and it didn't.

638
00:32:06,720 --> 00:32:09,720
Speaker 1: So then you owe me in a sense. Well, here's

639
00:32:09,760 --> 00:32:12,520
Speaker 1: my thing, do you even? This is two goes to

640
00:32:13,320 --> 00:32:17,800
Speaker 1: what Steve Harvey said, right, as a man, do you

641
00:32:17,920 --> 00:32:23,200
Speaker 1: provide a place for your wife to be your piece? Right? So,

642
00:32:23,320 --> 00:32:28,360
Speaker 1: for example, say you want a wife. This is just

643
00:32:28,720 --> 00:32:30,800
Speaker 1: an example. It's not anyone in particular, because Steve didn't

644
00:32:30,800 --> 00:32:32,000
Speaker 1: say this, and I don't want to be called as

645
00:32:32,000 --> 00:32:37,160
Speaker 1: Steve said this, But say you want a wife that cooks, cleans,

646
00:32:37,520 --> 00:32:39,840
Speaker 1: make sure as everything's taken care of when you get home.

647
00:32:40,440 --> 00:32:43,560
Speaker 1: Are you providing a place with latitude for her to

648
00:32:43,600 --> 00:32:47,040
Speaker 1: do those things? Or are you also saying you have

649
00:32:47,120 --> 00:32:49,040
Speaker 1: to do those things and I need half of the

650
00:32:49,080 --> 00:32:51,760
Speaker 1: rent every month you're gonna pay your own card? Note,

651
00:32:52,000 --> 00:32:54,080
Speaker 1: Oh the kids need to be picked up, that's your job.

652
00:32:54,360 --> 00:32:56,239
Speaker 1: You see what I'm saying. What I know what I

653
00:32:56,240 --> 00:32:59,000
Speaker 1: did for Cadeen was I know what I required for

654
00:32:59,160 --> 00:33:01,800
Speaker 1: my piece. So I tried to be all the other

655
00:33:01,800 --> 00:33:04,280
Speaker 1: things for Kdean so that she could have the latitude

656
00:33:04,320 --> 00:33:07,320
Speaker 1: to be those things for me. And that comes from

657
00:33:07,400 --> 00:33:10,240
Speaker 1: being someone's peace. So it was like, wait a minute,

658
00:33:10,280 --> 00:33:12,800
Speaker 1: the only way Kadean could be my piece is if

659
00:33:12,960 --> 00:33:16,200
Speaker 1: I'm her piece. You know what I'm saying. So it's like,

660
00:33:16,280 --> 00:33:19,200
Speaker 1: I have to put the work in to make sure

661
00:33:19,280 --> 00:33:23,479
Speaker 1: you have the bandwidth to provide me with peace. If

662
00:33:23,560 --> 00:33:26,120
Speaker 1: I'm not providing you piece first, how could I require

663
00:33:26,160 --> 00:33:28,200
Speaker 1: that you be my piece? And that's what I'm saying.

664
00:33:28,240 --> 00:33:31,400
Speaker 1: Marriage is about serving. You have to say, you know what,

665
00:33:31,440 --> 00:33:34,320
Speaker 1: I want to be married because I can be of service.

666
00:33:35,280 --> 00:33:39,440
Speaker 1: And that's part of the peace and pressure part. As

667
00:33:39,480 --> 00:33:43,160
Speaker 1: a man, I felt like, based on what I require

668
00:33:43,240 --> 00:33:46,400
Speaker 1: from my wife, I can't get married until I can

669
00:33:46,480 --> 00:33:50,600
Speaker 1: provide the right amount of protection. You know what I'm saying,

670
00:33:50,720 --> 00:33:55,880
Speaker 1: And you've successfully done so I appreciate that. I appreciate that.

671
00:33:55,920 --> 00:33:59,800
Speaker 1: And you've also done the same thing, my queen. Think

672
00:34:00,360 --> 00:34:03,240
Speaker 1: you've worked your ass off to be able to say

673
00:34:03,520 --> 00:34:05,400
Speaker 1: I can put these things. And it's another thing too,

674
00:34:05,440 --> 00:34:07,320
Speaker 1: it's a lot of things you're still figuring out. Though. Man,

675
00:34:07,760 --> 00:34:10,280
Speaker 1: it's always helped to figure out because we're still relatively

676
00:34:10,320 --> 00:34:12,920
Speaker 1: young and we still have the rest of our lives.

677
00:34:13,600 --> 00:34:21,120
Speaker 1: But I've watched you over time make decisions about yourself

678
00:34:21,200 --> 00:34:25,000
Speaker 1: and your career in order to be peace not only

679
00:34:25,040 --> 00:34:27,480
Speaker 1: to me, but our children as well, because we have

680
00:34:27,520 --> 00:34:30,520
Speaker 1: a responsibility now as parents to be their peace. Yeah,

681
00:34:30,960 --> 00:34:33,040
Speaker 1: you're gonna see what I'm saying. So I've watched you

682
00:34:33,080 --> 00:34:34,520
Speaker 1: in the morning wake up and say, you know what,

683
00:34:35,040 --> 00:34:38,920
Speaker 1: rather than me taking care of kdein first, let me,

684
00:34:39,200 --> 00:34:42,040
Speaker 1: for example, the days you're gonna leave early and be

685
00:34:42,040 --> 00:34:44,600
Speaker 1: gone all day, Babe, what do you want for breakfast?

686
00:34:44,960 --> 00:34:47,359
Speaker 1: Because I'm getting ready to leave and I'm just like ding,

687
00:34:47,360 --> 00:34:49,279
Speaker 1: I'm not ready to get up. So then you'll make

688
00:34:49,360 --> 00:34:51,239
Speaker 1: something and put it on a hot plate and be

689
00:34:51,280 --> 00:34:54,000
Speaker 1: like it'll be prepared, or you'll say I'll make the shake,

690
00:34:54,080 --> 00:34:57,480
Speaker 1: put it in the freezer. This is you deciding when

691
00:34:57,480 --> 00:34:59,719
Speaker 1: you wake up, how can I be of service to

692
00:34:59,800 --> 00:35:03,600
Speaker 1: my husband before I leave? Yep, you know what I'm saying.

693
00:35:03,640 --> 00:35:06,239
Speaker 1: Because Kade ten fifteen years ago probably would have got

694
00:35:06,280 --> 00:35:09,080
Speaker 1: up and left. And he's good, he's an adult, he's growing,

695
00:35:08,640 --> 00:35:13,000
Speaker 1: he can own shop. I'll come home to develop. Would

696
00:35:13,000 --> 00:35:15,480
Speaker 1: you have all day? Nothing? Nothing devout this mad food

697
00:35:15,520 --> 00:35:17,840
Speaker 1: in the fridge? Yea, But you know, and be pissed

698
00:35:17,920 --> 00:35:22,279
Speaker 1: and be pissed, and be and be pissed because I

699
00:35:22,360 --> 00:35:24,640
Speaker 1: felt like I'm working my ass off eighteen hours a

700
00:35:24,680 --> 00:35:27,160
Speaker 1: day to be your piece. Financially, I wanted you to

701
00:35:27,200 --> 00:35:29,719
Speaker 1: work to be my piece. And the only way we

702
00:35:29,760 --> 00:35:31,960
Speaker 1: got to that is about doing what talking about it.

703
00:35:33,120 --> 00:35:35,680
Speaker 1: I used to say to kadein part of the reason

704
00:35:35,760 --> 00:35:38,000
Speaker 1: why I don't eat is because my mind be going

705
00:35:38,080 --> 00:35:39,520
Speaker 1: so much on what I need to do to be

706
00:35:39,560 --> 00:35:40,920
Speaker 1: able to be there for you, that I don't think

707
00:35:40,960 --> 00:35:44,080
Speaker 1: about myself. If I'm always thinking about you and you're

708
00:35:44,120 --> 00:35:47,239
Speaker 1: thinking about you, who's thinking about me? But you have

709
00:35:47,320 --> 00:35:50,000
Speaker 1: to openly say that. And if you don't say it,

710
00:35:50,080 --> 00:35:52,000
Speaker 1: and you sit back and you expect your partner to

711
00:35:52,040 --> 00:35:54,319
Speaker 1: just figure it out right, or you're dropping clues all

712
00:35:54,400 --> 00:35:56,320
Speaker 1: day hoping that they just you know, put two and

713
00:35:56,360 --> 00:35:58,239
Speaker 1: two together. They don't work. Don't really work like that.

714
00:35:58,320 --> 00:36:00,400
Speaker 1: It don't work. It doesn't work like that. Don't So

715
00:36:00,520 --> 00:36:03,520
Speaker 1: since you talk about clues, Yeah, you have the seven ways,

716
00:36:03,600 --> 00:36:06,640
Speaker 1: the seven ways to keep peace in your marriage. All right,

717
00:36:06,680 --> 00:36:09,239
Speaker 1: Let's start with number one. Be the first to apologize.

718
00:36:09,239 --> 00:36:12,560
Speaker 1: Whether or not your spouse isn't the wrong alongside you

719
00:36:12,800 --> 00:36:15,879
Speaker 1: doesn't matter. What matters is whether you're willing to step

720
00:36:15,960 --> 00:36:18,480
Speaker 1: up and say you're sorry. First don't wait around for

721
00:36:18,520 --> 00:36:20,520
Speaker 1: the spouse to come to you. If you have something

722
00:36:20,560 --> 00:36:22,560
Speaker 1: you need to apologize for it, go ahead and do it.

723
00:36:22,840 --> 00:36:25,200
Speaker 1: This will open the door for your spouse to respond

724
00:36:25,360 --> 00:36:28,160
Speaker 1: in kind if he or she has been holding out.

725
00:36:28,880 --> 00:36:31,440
Speaker 1: Be sure to only apologize if you actually have something

726
00:36:31,480 --> 00:36:34,680
Speaker 1: to apologize for. I agree with that. Yeah, I also

727
00:36:34,920 --> 00:36:37,160
Speaker 1: agree with this statement. I love when it comes to

728
00:36:37,200 --> 00:36:40,080
Speaker 1: marriage and apologies. Do you want to be right or

729
00:36:40,080 --> 00:36:42,759
Speaker 1: do you want to be happy? And a lot of

730
00:36:42,800 --> 00:36:46,920
Speaker 1: times people refrain from apologizing because they want to be

731
00:36:47,040 --> 00:36:50,680
Speaker 1: right because if I apologize, that means I'm admitting faults.

732
00:36:51,440 --> 00:36:54,360
Speaker 1: So it's like I'm going to avoid admitting fault because

733
00:36:54,400 --> 00:36:57,520
Speaker 1: I have to win, right. No one makes accountability right,

734
00:36:57,560 --> 00:36:59,759
Speaker 1: you know. It's like I have to win, so I

735
00:37:00,000 --> 00:37:03,239
Speaker 1: and the mid fault, I have to just say, I

736
00:37:03,280 --> 00:37:05,000
Speaker 1: don't know what you're talking about. This is the way

737
00:37:05,040 --> 00:37:07,080
Speaker 1: I did it, so and I say, as long as

738
00:37:07,080 --> 00:37:09,200
Speaker 1: I win, I'm good. But then you win and y'all

739
00:37:09,239 --> 00:37:11,800
Speaker 1: not talking? So are you happy? Right? You know what?

740
00:37:12,040 --> 00:37:13,360
Speaker 1: And then like a term for that too, it's like

741
00:37:13,520 --> 00:37:16,360
Speaker 1: right fighting, like you're you're fighting to be right or

742
00:37:16,400 --> 00:37:23,000
Speaker 1: you're arguing to be right. With that and and was

743
00:37:23,280 --> 00:37:26,759
Speaker 1: right fighting right fighting. It doesn't matter what argument is.

744
00:37:26,760 --> 00:37:28,640
Speaker 1: I just got to be right right. I don't think

745
00:37:28,640 --> 00:37:30,880
Speaker 1: that's something that we exercise though. We really try to

746
00:37:30,880 --> 00:37:33,200
Speaker 1: get to the root of what the problem is and

747
00:37:33,280 --> 00:37:35,279
Speaker 1: we don't agree on it because there was I'm a

748
00:37:35,360 --> 00:37:37,600
Speaker 1: very argumented person. I was on a debate team in

749
00:37:37,640 --> 00:37:40,640
Speaker 1: Andrew Tudy Junior High School. So kimboy be trying to

750
00:37:40,719 --> 00:37:42,600
Speaker 1: argue me as a sport y'all light, I don't be

751
00:37:42,640 --> 00:37:47,680
Speaker 1: trying to argue, but you did bring up sex, some

752
00:37:47,760 --> 00:37:52,879
Speaker 1: of our best sex. We have to arguments that that feistiness,

753
00:37:52,960 --> 00:37:59,680
Speaker 1: that that the correlation, that that West Indian Jamaican spice

754
00:37:59,719 --> 00:38:02,480
Speaker 1: come out when you're angry, and that's sometimes when I

755
00:38:02,520 --> 00:38:06,440
Speaker 1: get the best you know, archback when you're mad at

756
00:38:06,520 --> 00:38:09,160
Speaker 1: first and then you want to pose. Ah, I see

757
00:38:09,280 --> 00:38:12,480
Speaker 1: say it's a sublime man, because I'm like, good God,

758
00:38:12,560 --> 00:38:17,120
Speaker 1: this guy likes to just pick on me. Okay, you

759
00:38:17,320 --> 00:38:18,759
Speaker 1: read number two or I'll read it. I'll read it.

760
00:38:18,880 --> 00:38:22,839
Speaker 1: Own your mistakes. Avoiding responsibility for bad decisions you make

761
00:38:23,440 --> 00:38:25,680
Speaker 1: or hurtful things you say to your spouse will only

762
00:38:25,719 --> 00:38:28,879
Speaker 1: make wounds fester and grow worse over time. Even though

763
00:38:28,920 --> 00:38:31,480
Speaker 1: you might not want to admit to any wrong doing,

764
00:38:31,719 --> 00:38:33,640
Speaker 1: it's best to bite the bullet and admit you made

765
00:38:33,640 --> 00:38:35,840
Speaker 1: a mistake. Your spouse would be more likely to extend

766
00:38:35,880 --> 00:38:39,239
Speaker 1: forgiveness sooner if you're willing to own your parts when

767
00:38:39,320 --> 00:38:46,360
Speaker 1: you apologize. Yeah, account just because one person is accountable

768
00:38:46,400 --> 00:38:48,000
Speaker 1: doesn't mean the other person want tom actually going to

769
00:38:48,040 --> 00:38:50,279
Speaker 1: be accountable. Now we're going through that and I don't.

770
00:38:50,280 --> 00:38:52,040
Speaker 1: I don't want to say this, and then people feel like, well,

771
00:38:52,040 --> 00:38:53,759
Speaker 1: I own mind. Now you got to own yours. Yeah,

772
00:38:53,920 --> 00:38:55,719
Speaker 1: just because you own yours don't mean your spouse is

773
00:38:55,719 --> 00:38:57,759
Speaker 1: gonna own because there maybe one person very much in

774
00:38:57,800 --> 00:38:59,719
Speaker 1: the wrong in that moment, or that person just may

775
00:38:59,719 --> 00:39:02,239
Speaker 1: still will be someone who gets defensive. You and I

776
00:39:02,280 --> 00:39:06,120
Speaker 1: have gone through this, Like I was an athlete most

777
00:39:06,120 --> 00:39:08,640
Speaker 1: of my life, so accountability was a part of who

778
00:39:08,680 --> 00:39:13,040
Speaker 1: I am. Kadean came from a family that didn't own accountability.

779
00:39:13,280 --> 00:39:14,960
Speaker 1: It was just sweep things under the rug. So even

780
00:39:14,960 --> 00:39:16,200
Speaker 1: when I would say, you know, I was wrong for

781
00:39:16,239 --> 00:39:18,480
Speaker 1: doing this and blah blah blah blah, Coadean would be like, Okay,

782
00:39:18,480 --> 00:39:22,000
Speaker 1: thank you, I was like thank you, like you ain't

783
00:39:22,040 --> 00:39:25,560
Speaker 1: gonna admit and she'd be like, I didn't do nothing wrong.

784
00:39:26,520 --> 00:39:28,839
Speaker 1: Just like the whole Gyro situation, she still ain't going

785
00:39:28,880 --> 00:39:30,760
Speaker 1: to admit that she wanted to get a job tapping

786
00:39:30,840 --> 00:39:33,400
Speaker 1: and let us know if you understood me or devours

787
00:39:33,440 --> 00:39:36,040
Speaker 1: point of view on that good ahead. But any who,

788
00:39:36,520 --> 00:39:39,759
Speaker 1: just when you think about owning mistakes, think about Gyros

789
00:39:39,880 --> 00:39:43,440
Speaker 1: and Chick fil A. Are you team Gyro or team

790
00:39:43,560 --> 00:39:46,600
Speaker 1: chick that's what you think. Don't tell me you be

791
00:39:46,680 --> 00:39:52,400
Speaker 1: can pick aside, but no, but accountability does create a

792
00:39:52,560 --> 00:39:55,719
Speaker 1: safe space for your spouse to say, you know what,

793
00:39:55,920 --> 00:39:59,280
Speaker 1: if he or she can admit their wrongdoings, then maybe

794
00:39:59,400 --> 00:40:01,040
Speaker 1: I should are doing the same thing so we can

795
00:40:01,040 --> 00:40:03,759
Speaker 1: get to the real issue. Because sometimes there is no

796
00:40:03,840 --> 00:40:06,839
Speaker 1: right or wrong, it's just different perspectives. And I think

797
00:40:06,880 --> 00:40:10,920
Speaker 1: accountability comes with knowing that just because you can admit

798
00:40:11,520 --> 00:40:14,760
Speaker 1: that you made a decision for yourself in that moment

799
00:40:14,880 --> 00:40:18,160
Speaker 1: doesn't mean that it was a bad decision. A lot

800
00:40:18,160 --> 00:40:20,320
Speaker 1: of times you see like mistake. I hate the word mistake.

801
00:40:21,040 --> 00:40:25,000
Speaker 1: Unless you accidentally fell on a decision, It wasn't a mistake, nigga,

802
00:40:25,040 --> 00:40:28,600
Speaker 1: You chose that. So it's either a decision you made

803
00:40:28,640 --> 00:40:31,239
Speaker 1: for yourself and own well being, or did you make

804
00:40:31,320 --> 00:40:33,600
Speaker 1: a decision for the greater good. That's why I don't

805
00:40:33,640 --> 00:40:36,560
Speaker 1: say bad decision, because a lot of times you and

806
00:40:36,640 --> 00:40:39,040
Speaker 1: I had to come to terms with the fact that,

807
00:40:39,080 --> 00:40:43,040
Speaker 1: you know what, the decision you made wasn't a bad decision,

808
00:40:43,520 --> 00:40:46,520
Speaker 1: but that decision you made was for yourself in that moment,

809
00:40:47,120 --> 00:40:51,120
Speaker 1: and your decision in turn affected me right negatively, right,

810
00:40:51,200 --> 00:40:53,960
Speaker 1: And because you weren't thinking about the greater good or

811
00:40:54,000 --> 00:40:57,080
Speaker 1: all of us, your decision affected me negatively, but you

812
00:40:57,160 --> 00:40:59,880
Speaker 1: gained greatly from it. And that doesn't mean that you

813
00:41:00,160 --> 00:41:04,040
Speaker 1: purposely wanted to hurt your spouse. It's sometimes just like, dang,

814
00:41:04,120 --> 00:41:08,360
Speaker 1: I'm making decisions for myself as opposed to making decisions

815
00:41:08,440 --> 00:41:10,680
Speaker 1: for the group in total, and the group you mean

816
00:41:10,760 --> 00:41:12,480
Speaker 1: you and your spouse or you your spouse and your

817
00:41:12,560 --> 00:41:15,919
Speaker 1: kids and Kadin and I still go through that, even

818
00:41:15,960 --> 00:41:19,120
Speaker 1: after twenty years. You make a decision and it's just like,

819
00:41:20,560 --> 00:41:23,239
Speaker 1: why would you make that decision? You know and we

820
00:41:23,400 --> 00:41:26,399
Speaker 1: both have done that. I mean it, it becomes it, well,

821
00:41:26,400 --> 00:41:28,880
Speaker 1: how can you not see why I made this decision.

822
00:41:28,880 --> 00:41:30,480
Speaker 1: I'm explaining it to you, and he's like, well, I

823
00:41:30,520 --> 00:41:32,399
Speaker 1: don't want you to explain it to me because this

824
00:41:32,480 --> 00:41:35,360
Speaker 1: is the outcome, this is how I felt. That should

825
00:41:35,400 --> 00:41:39,040
Speaker 1: be exhausting, y'all, but that's part of it. That's part

826
00:41:39,080 --> 00:41:45,200
Speaker 1: of trying to understand your partner's perspective, not agreeing with it,

827
00:41:46,080 --> 00:41:49,160
Speaker 1: but understanding it. Okay, I understand where you're coming from.

828
00:41:49,320 --> 00:41:51,560
Speaker 1: I still made my decision based on where I was

829
00:41:51,640 --> 00:41:53,520
Speaker 1: in that moment. I'm not a mind reader, but I

830
00:41:53,560 --> 00:41:55,759
Speaker 1: can understand how you took it that way. And as

831
00:41:55,800 --> 00:41:57,799
Speaker 1: long as y'all can come to some sort of an

832
00:41:57,800 --> 00:42:01,640
Speaker 1: agreement or understanding, you can move forward and not hold resentment. Yep.

833
00:42:02,280 --> 00:42:05,160
Speaker 1: Number three, don't sweep things under the rug like val

834
00:42:05,280 --> 00:42:07,680
Speaker 1: said I did on my side of family much of

835
00:42:07,680 --> 00:42:10,799
Speaker 1: my life, just hoping things will just kind of dissipertate

836
00:42:10,840 --> 00:42:12,759
Speaker 1: by itself if you don't mention it or look at

837
00:42:12,760 --> 00:42:15,640
Speaker 1: it too tough. But that's not the case. So if

838
00:42:15,640 --> 00:42:18,320
Speaker 1: you got any unresolved conflict under the service of your marriage,

839
00:42:18,320 --> 00:42:20,480
Speaker 1: sooner or later, it's going to get bigger and bigger

840
00:42:20,520 --> 00:42:24,400
Speaker 1: until you can't handle it anymo. Okay. So don't speak

841
00:42:24,520 --> 00:42:26,879
Speaker 1: issues under the rug, hide from them, or send them

842
00:42:26,880 --> 00:42:29,760
Speaker 1: down the road, Face them head on, and acknowledge their presence.

843
00:42:29,800 --> 00:42:32,000
Speaker 1: So they can be less likely to keep growing. I

844
00:42:32,040 --> 00:42:35,239
Speaker 1: think that's just straightforward, straightforward, Like the more you just

845
00:42:35,280 --> 00:42:38,240
Speaker 1: hold stuff inside thinking it's gonna go away, the bigger

846
00:42:38,280 --> 00:42:41,280
Speaker 1: it becomes. And then a small issue becomes a huge issue.

847
00:42:41,680 --> 00:42:44,520
Speaker 1: And now you arguing over temperatures on the thermistead. I

848
00:42:44,600 --> 00:42:46,960
Speaker 1: like it at seventy two, Well, big, you've got it

849
00:42:47,000 --> 00:42:51,680
Speaker 1: at seventy three. A lot of times. The sweeping under

850
00:42:51,680 --> 00:42:54,120
Speaker 1: the rug too A lot of time then kind of

851
00:42:54,200 --> 00:42:56,600
Speaker 1: leads into that moment of blow up. Yes, and you

852
00:42:56,680 --> 00:42:59,320
Speaker 1: have somebody blow up on you for something as simple

853
00:42:59,400 --> 00:43:01,800
Speaker 1: as you know, you shrunk my favorite shirt in the

854
00:43:01,880 --> 00:43:03,319
Speaker 1: dry it and then it's just like, well that you

855
00:43:03,400 --> 00:43:05,920
Speaker 1: haven't been doing laundry for me, and it becomes like

856
00:43:06,000 --> 00:43:09,520
Speaker 1: a whole yeah, you know, flood of you know, let

857
00:43:09,520 --> 00:43:11,239
Speaker 1: me pull out this rollodex. I could tell you how

858
00:43:11,280 --> 00:43:14,560
Speaker 1: many times you've annoyed me, and I've suppressed it for

859
00:43:14,800 --> 00:43:16,759
Speaker 1: you know, so many times. But now this one little

860
00:43:16,800 --> 00:43:21,239
Speaker 1: thing we've been there has erupted. We've been there, but

861
00:43:21,320 --> 00:43:23,960
Speaker 1: I mean this really, and here's the argument that I've

862
00:43:23,960 --> 00:43:27,160
Speaker 1: gotten from a lot of men, right, is that when

863
00:43:27,160 --> 00:43:30,000
Speaker 1: something bothers you, initially as a man, right. Your first

864
00:43:30,320 --> 00:43:32,879
Speaker 1: instinct isn't to go tell your wife because you don't

865
00:43:32,920 --> 00:43:36,160
Speaker 1: want to be a nag, right, So you let it go, right,

866
00:43:36,200 --> 00:43:37,799
Speaker 1: And then you let it go and let it go,

867
00:43:37,880 --> 00:43:39,880
Speaker 1: and it keeps happening, and it keeps happening, and finally

868
00:43:39,880 --> 00:43:42,600
Speaker 1: you blow up because it's happening. It's happened so often.

869
00:43:43,400 --> 00:43:45,080
Speaker 1: What I try to tell a lot of my homeboys

870
00:43:45,160 --> 00:43:47,440
Speaker 1: is like, you can't blame your wife if she shows

871
00:43:47,480 --> 00:43:50,120
Speaker 1: a behavior and you let it go. In her mind,

872
00:43:50,480 --> 00:43:53,120
Speaker 1: now she thinks that that behavior is okay. So when

873
00:43:53,120 --> 00:43:55,720
Speaker 1: she keeps doing that behavior and you keep getting upset,

874
00:43:56,680 --> 00:43:59,720
Speaker 1: how can you blame her exactly because you never said anything.

875
00:44:00,440 --> 00:44:03,279
Speaker 1: And then they said, well, then if that was the case,

876
00:44:03,320 --> 00:44:06,680
Speaker 1: every time something happens, I would say something as you should,

877
00:44:07,360 --> 00:44:10,960
Speaker 1: kadein and I she knows. Every time I sit her

878
00:44:10,960 --> 00:44:13,279
Speaker 1: down and I'm like, I just want to talk real quick,

879
00:44:13,360 --> 00:44:16,440
Speaker 1: she'd be like, oh God, It's like I feel like,

880
00:44:16,600 --> 00:44:19,279
Speaker 1: here we go. We have a talk every week. But

881
00:44:19,960 --> 00:44:23,560
Speaker 1: let's be honest. If there's seven days in a week, right,

882
00:44:23,960 --> 00:44:27,520
Speaker 1: twenty four hours in a day, and you sit down

883
00:44:27,760 --> 00:44:30,439
Speaker 1: once a week and just talk for an hour about

884
00:44:30,440 --> 00:44:33,560
Speaker 1: the things that bothered you, that's still less than two

885
00:44:33,600 --> 00:44:36,239
Speaker 1: percent of the time you spend together. I guess if

886
00:44:36,239 --> 00:44:39,000
Speaker 1: you put it that way, it is though, It is though.

887
00:44:39,280 --> 00:44:41,439
Speaker 1: I can see that because what's twenty four times seven?

888
00:44:41,480 --> 00:44:45,240
Speaker 1: Let me see that real quick? Hey, ninety eight two?

889
00:44:46,760 --> 00:44:50,760
Speaker 1: Is it one away? No? No, what do you say? Now?

890
00:44:50,920 --> 00:44:54,239
Speaker 1: Four time Seven's one hundred and sixty eight hours in

891
00:44:54,280 --> 00:44:56,400
Speaker 1: a week. If you spend one hour of those one

892
00:44:56,480 --> 00:44:59,240
Speaker 1: hundred and sixty eight talking about the issues that bothered

893
00:44:59,280 --> 00:45:02,040
Speaker 1: you in a week, that's still less than one percent.

894
00:45:02,640 --> 00:45:05,879
Speaker 1: But that hour to people seem like forever we talked

895
00:45:05,920 --> 00:45:08,239
Speaker 1: about this for an hour and then a lot of

896
00:45:08,239 --> 00:45:10,279
Speaker 1: times Cadino say to me, I can't do anything right,

897
00:45:10,920 --> 00:45:12,919
Speaker 1: and I'm just like, for one hundred and sixty seven

898
00:45:13,000 --> 00:45:15,480
Speaker 1: hours in the week, I've praised you. But for this

899
00:45:15,560 --> 00:45:17,279
Speaker 1: one hour, I just told you something that you did

900
00:45:17,400 --> 00:45:19,759
Speaker 1: was bother me. And now you feel like I'm saying

901
00:45:19,760 --> 00:45:22,400
Speaker 1: you don't do nothing right. That's not fair, that's not

902
00:45:22,440 --> 00:45:24,160
Speaker 1: fair for you to just take this one hour and

903
00:45:24,160 --> 00:45:26,040
Speaker 1: make it seem like I'm always blowing up on you.

904
00:45:26,280 --> 00:45:29,600
Speaker 1: And we've had we've had that conversation before. Yeah, right,

905
00:45:29,640 --> 00:45:34,080
Speaker 1: But as an athlete, that's what happens after every practice.

906
00:45:34,719 --> 00:45:37,759
Speaker 1: You have a practice, and after practice they come sit

907
00:45:37,840 --> 00:45:40,560
Speaker 1: you down and show you everything you've done wrong. And

908
00:45:40,600 --> 00:45:44,120
Speaker 1: that's where accountability comes from, because now you're prepared after

909
00:45:44,160 --> 00:45:46,680
Speaker 1: practice to see, Okay, we don't care how many passes

910
00:45:46,680 --> 00:45:48,880
Speaker 1: you caught, but you see this one time that you

911
00:45:48,920 --> 00:45:50,960
Speaker 1: were not at your depth. We have to focus on

912
00:45:51,000 --> 00:45:53,799
Speaker 1: this because this one time could be the time that

913
00:45:53,840 --> 00:45:58,320
Speaker 1: costs us a game. And for me that became my reality.

914
00:45:58,840 --> 00:46:01,800
Speaker 1: Let me approach something immediately. So we're not going to

915
00:46:01,880 --> 00:46:04,719
Speaker 1: just collect all of the practice data and at the

916
00:46:04,800 --> 00:46:07,280
Speaker 1: end of the week go over practice. We're gonna attack

917
00:46:07,280 --> 00:46:09,839
Speaker 1: it right after practice when it happens. So when something

918
00:46:09,880 --> 00:46:12,120
Speaker 1: happens that I don't like, I'm not gonna wait till

919
00:46:12,120 --> 00:46:14,319
Speaker 1: the end of the week. Let's talk about it for

920
00:46:14,360 --> 00:46:16,400
Speaker 1: twenty minutes. You know what I'm saying, And at the

921
00:46:16,480 --> 00:46:18,480
Speaker 1: end of the week, at twenty minutes, maybe okay, we

922
00:46:18,560 --> 00:46:20,719
Speaker 1: had three discussions this week, and you're like, every day

923
00:46:20,760 --> 00:46:23,080
Speaker 1: this week, every other day was something. But those twenty

924
00:46:23,120 --> 00:46:26,920
Speaker 1: minutes that you talk every other day it may seem repetitive,

925
00:46:26,920 --> 00:46:28,600
Speaker 1: but those are going to be the twenty minutes that

926
00:46:28,640 --> 00:46:30,839
Speaker 1: make you a better spouse. And that's what I try

927
00:46:30,880 --> 00:46:33,200
Speaker 1: to tell husbands too, When their wives bring them something

928
00:46:33,239 --> 00:46:35,120
Speaker 1: in real time, it's like she always got something she

929
00:46:35,160 --> 00:46:37,680
Speaker 1: wanted to talk about. How long does it take you

930
00:46:37,719 --> 00:46:41,200
Speaker 1: to listen to her? Even if it's an hour a day,

931
00:46:41,600 --> 00:46:44,000
Speaker 1: that's still seven hours out of one hundred and sixty

932
00:46:44,000 --> 00:46:50,319
Speaker 1: eight hours. That's still less than three percent. You can't

933
00:46:50,360 --> 00:46:52,480
Speaker 1: listen to your wife tell you what she needs for

934
00:46:52,560 --> 00:46:55,080
Speaker 1: three percent of the time y'all gonna be together all day.

935
00:46:55,719 --> 00:46:58,600
Speaker 1: Think if you really think about that, If y'all spend

936
00:46:58,600 --> 00:47:01,880
Speaker 1: an hour every day talking about the things that you

937
00:47:01,920 --> 00:47:04,000
Speaker 1: liked and didn't like about each other, that's still less

938
00:47:04,000 --> 00:47:06,080
Speaker 1: than three percent of the time that you had spend together.

939
00:47:06,680 --> 00:47:09,400
Speaker 1: Imagine how many great moments you can have if you

940
00:47:09,480 --> 00:47:12,160
Speaker 1: learn through your spouse like that. You see what I'm saying,

941
00:47:12,200 --> 00:47:14,560
Speaker 1: I love that's but that's what you should be exhausting

942
00:47:14,600 --> 00:47:17,120
Speaker 1: in the moment. Is gonna say she love it now,

943
00:47:17,160 --> 00:47:20,640
Speaker 1: But let me wanta go to listen. I don't want

944
00:47:20,640 --> 00:47:24,640
Speaker 1: the three percent. Whatever carried it too in the squirre

945
00:47:24,680 --> 00:47:29,200
Speaker 1: routed forty six. All that this mathematician over here will

946
00:47:29,800 --> 00:47:35,279
Speaker 1: debate you through math around numbers, but I just I

947
00:47:35,360 --> 00:47:38,359
Speaker 1: just want to be clear. No, I want to put

948
00:47:38,360 --> 00:47:41,839
Speaker 1: the work in clarity that part number five, encourage your

949
00:47:41,880 --> 00:47:46,160
Speaker 1: spouse to face issues. Speaking of math, I can't even count.

950
00:47:46,680 --> 00:47:48,799
Speaker 1: Go ahead, that's on you. You and your spouse can

951
00:47:48,880 --> 00:47:52,120
Speaker 1: create peace together by facing down your conflicts, challenges and

952
00:47:52,160 --> 00:47:54,040
Speaker 1: issues as a team. The two of you are stronger

953
00:47:54,040 --> 00:47:55,719
Speaker 1: together than you are a part. I agree with that

954
00:47:55,800 --> 00:47:58,200
Speaker 1: a thousand percent. And if only one of you was

955
00:47:58,239 --> 00:48:01,080
Speaker 1: fighting your battles, that could lead to resentment and conflict

956
00:48:01,120 --> 00:48:03,360
Speaker 1: between the two of you. Put your heads together and

957
00:48:03,400 --> 00:48:06,640
Speaker 1: create solutions and ideas that will lead you away from

958
00:48:06,719 --> 00:48:10,640
Speaker 1: strife and toward a happy, peaceful existence together. Okay, did

959
00:48:10,640 --> 00:48:15,279
Speaker 1: we not just have this moment? Literally screaming, crying. I'm

960
00:48:15,280 --> 00:48:19,439
Speaker 1: not doing this by myself. I need a solution. Let's

961
00:48:19,480 --> 00:48:25,759
Speaker 1: get solutions. I don't have any. I'm not problem solving oriented,

962
00:48:26,239 --> 00:48:29,640
Speaker 1: but figuring things out together together. We figure it out,

963
00:48:29,760 --> 00:48:32,759
Speaker 1: We figure it out as we should. Yes, I mean shit,

964
00:48:33,280 --> 00:48:34,880
Speaker 1: you're not gonna just be relying on me to do it,

965
00:48:34,920 --> 00:48:37,160
Speaker 1: because God knows that's I don't even want to talk

966
00:48:37,200 --> 00:48:39,600
Speaker 1: about it half the time much. Let's figure shit out.

967
00:48:39,719 --> 00:48:41,919
Speaker 1: If there's one statement I hate or question I hate

968
00:48:41,920 --> 00:48:44,120
Speaker 1: whenever we're having a discussion, is this question right here?

969
00:48:44,800 --> 00:48:47,920
Speaker 1: What about? What do you want me to do? That's

970
00:48:47,960 --> 00:48:50,120
Speaker 1: what I'm talking about it because I want to brainstorm

971
00:48:50,120 --> 00:48:52,200
Speaker 1: so we can figure it out together. Why I don't

972
00:48:52,200 --> 00:48:53,880
Speaker 1: want to figure nothing out? Don tell me what you

973
00:48:53,920 --> 00:48:55,960
Speaker 1: need so we can move on. Because I'm tired. I'm

974
00:48:55,960 --> 00:48:57,600
Speaker 1: gonna tell you what I'm talking. I'm gonna tell you

975
00:48:57,640 --> 00:48:59,560
Speaker 1: what I don't work. Because when I tell you what

976
00:48:59,600 --> 00:49:00,840
Speaker 1: I want and you don't do it, what do you

977
00:49:00,840 --> 00:49:04,279
Speaker 1: want me to say after that? This is the same

978
00:49:04,320 --> 00:49:06,399
Speaker 1: woman that says I'm tired, tell me what you want.

979
00:49:06,440 --> 00:49:08,120
Speaker 1: I said, well, I want you just up as a schoolgirl.

980
00:49:08,120 --> 00:49:11,960
Speaker 1: Then she puts on a leotard and then a cute leotard.

981
00:49:12,000 --> 00:49:16,520
Speaker 1: Though y'all come, it was giving single ladies. It was

982
00:49:16,560 --> 00:49:21,120
Speaker 1: giving single ladies meets like savage fancy. You looked great,

983
00:49:21,400 --> 00:49:23,640
Speaker 1: thank you, but you said, I don't know what to do.

984
00:49:23,760 --> 00:49:26,400
Speaker 1: Deviou what do you want? And I told you specifically

985
00:49:26,440 --> 00:49:28,920
Speaker 1: what I want, and you gave me what she did

986
00:49:29,000 --> 00:49:31,160
Speaker 1: in that moment, and the liotard was cute. So that's

987
00:49:31,160 --> 00:49:35,120
Speaker 1: what you've got. So yes, have these conversations and no

988
00:49:35,160 --> 00:49:38,799
Speaker 1: matter how exhausting they are. Listen to each other man

989
00:49:38,880 --> 00:49:41,160
Speaker 1: and facing this shoes together. Don't leave it up to

990
00:49:41,200 --> 00:49:43,600
Speaker 1: your partner. Don't ever say that's on you because you

991
00:49:43,600 --> 00:49:46,319
Speaker 1: may not like the solution they come up with. And

992
00:49:46,400 --> 00:49:48,960
Speaker 1: that's the truth. They come up with a solution and

993
00:49:48,960 --> 00:49:52,520
Speaker 1: you're like, what, actually, no, let's scratch everything that you

994
00:49:52,600 --> 00:49:57,240
Speaker 1: just said and it won't start over. Speak the truth

995
00:49:57,280 --> 00:49:59,399
Speaker 1: in love Number five. Sometimes you have something to save

996
00:49:59,440 --> 00:50:01,759
Speaker 1: your spouse and they don't want to hear it, and

997
00:50:01,840 --> 00:50:04,200
Speaker 1: you know it's going to hurt you too. When your

998
00:50:04,239 --> 00:50:07,799
Speaker 1: spouse responds and pain her anger, Approach him or her

999
00:50:07,840 --> 00:50:09,640
Speaker 1: in a loving way and lay all your cards on

1000
00:50:09,680 --> 00:50:12,239
Speaker 1: the table. If he or she has an issue that

1001
00:50:12,360 --> 00:50:15,960
Speaker 1: is hurting your marriage or family, or is even just

1002
00:50:16,160 --> 00:50:18,799
Speaker 1: harmful to them in some way, you have to put

1003
00:50:18,840 --> 00:50:21,280
Speaker 1: it out there. It could be an addiction, her full behavior,

1004
00:50:21,440 --> 00:50:23,400
Speaker 1: or a number of things. Your spouse as well being

1005
00:50:24,120 --> 00:50:26,719
Speaker 1: may depend on you speaking up, and if he or

1006
00:50:26,760 --> 00:50:29,359
Speaker 1: she goes down a destructive path, your marriage goes down

1007
00:50:29,400 --> 00:50:33,600
Speaker 1: to Yeah. Sometimes that speaking truth and love don't be

1008
00:50:33,680 --> 00:50:38,320
Speaker 1: sounding very loving, you know, like speaking truth like sometimes

1009
00:50:38,360 --> 00:50:40,160
Speaker 1: when you have to get your point across. It doesn't

1010
00:50:40,200 --> 00:50:44,359
Speaker 1: necessarily sound like the most loving way or tone, but

1011
00:50:44,800 --> 00:50:47,719
Speaker 1: it sometimes just has to be done to get your

1012
00:50:47,719 --> 00:50:50,880
Speaker 1: point across. I get this because it's like you talk soft,

1013
00:50:50,880 --> 00:50:54,239
Speaker 1: you talk hard. It's like, well, not just say it.

1014
00:50:55,080 --> 00:50:58,080
Speaker 1: My truth may hurt your feelings, but how I say

1015
00:50:58,120 --> 00:51:01,400
Speaker 1: it can definitely solve from the blow. And that's what

1016
00:51:01,480 --> 00:51:03,160
Speaker 1: I think is, as you're speaking truth and love, I

1017
00:51:03,600 --> 00:51:08,600
Speaker 1: can't change the fact that I don't like this about you.

1018
00:51:09,680 --> 00:51:12,080
Speaker 1: But I can either scream it at you and talk

1019
00:51:12,200 --> 00:51:14,120
Speaker 1: down to you, or I can say it in a

1020
00:51:14,120 --> 00:51:17,719
Speaker 1: way where let's work on it away where we can

1021
00:51:17,760 --> 00:51:19,600
Speaker 1: both gain from it. Okay, So this you're thinking is

1022
00:51:19,680 --> 00:51:23,160
Speaker 1: more like the approach, yes, or how you become the

1023
00:51:23,239 --> 00:51:26,000
Speaker 1: beer of what could potentially be seen as bad news, right,

1024
00:51:26,160 --> 00:51:29,520
Speaker 1: how you deliver that right. For example, when we first

1025
00:51:29,520 --> 00:51:33,600
Speaker 1: got married, financially, we weren't on the same path, right,

1026
00:51:33,920 --> 00:51:36,239
Speaker 1: there were certain things in your family history that you

1027
00:51:36,280 --> 00:51:39,040
Speaker 1: weren't taught, certain things in mind that I was taught, right,

1028
00:51:39,239 --> 00:51:41,560
Speaker 1: And we used to sit down and have discussions about

1029
00:51:41,560 --> 00:51:43,719
Speaker 1: the American Express Bill. That's how you became known as

1030
00:51:43,719 --> 00:51:47,839
Speaker 1: the MCS killer. Right. Imagine. I used to say, I said, Babe,

1031
00:51:47,880 --> 00:51:51,680
Speaker 1: let's let's look at the American Express bill, right, and

1032
00:51:51,719 --> 00:51:53,360
Speaker 1: we would go through the bill, and even when in

1033
00:51:53,480 --> 00:51:55,200
Speaker 1: me saying let's just go through it and discuss it,

1034
00:51:55,239 --> 00:51:58,200
Speaker 1: you would get defensive. Sometimes. Imagine if I just came

1035
00:51:58,200 --> 00:51:59,560
Speaker 1: to you and being like, bits, what the fuck is

1036
00:51:59,560 --> 00:52:02,200
Speaker 1: your problem? You spending all this money? You're super bitch? Like?

1037
00:52:02,280 --> 00:52:05,080
Speaker 1: You know what I'm saying, right Like, there's certain ways

1038
00:52:05,120 --> 00:52:09,000
Speaker 1: to approach people where you don't have to condemn them.

1039
00:52:09,040 --> 00:52:10,520
Speaker 1: You don't have to talk down to them, you don't

1040
00:52:10,520 --> 00:52:13,200
Speaker 1: have to belittle them. You can say, hey, let's figure

1041
00:52:13,200 --> 00:52:15,920
Speaker 1: this out together, how to make this change? Got you?

1042
00:52:15,920 --> 00:52:18,239
Speaker 1: You know, the delivery, but also to being receptive to

1043
00:52:18,360 --> 00:52:20,720
Speaker 1: hearing something that you may not want to hear, because

1044
00:52:20,719 --> 00:52:23,080
Speaker 1: then that's when the vents mode kicks in and doesn't

1045
00:52:23,080 --> 00:52:26,239
Speaker 1: matter how nice and how sweet you deliver that that message,

1046
00:52:26,880 --> 00:52:31,440
Speaker 1: it's not gonna be received well anyhow. Potentially in college,

1047
00:52:32,080 --> 00:52:33,840
Speaker 1: remember when you had to have to talk with me

1048
00:52:33,880 --> 00:52:37,560
Speaker 1: about four play, right, I was nineteen years old, and

1049
00:52:37,680 --> 00:52:40,040
Speaker 1: all anybody talk about when you're nineteen is you got

1050
00:52:40,040 --> 00:52:42,600
Speaker 1: to drop the grade, beat the pussy up, right, So

1051
00:52:42,640 --> 00:52:44,799
Speaker 1: I used to come from practice to stashing on how

1052
00:52:45,000 --> 00:52:46,839
Speaker 1: being like I'm gonna just give my girl a grad day.

1053
00:52:46,840 --> 00:52:48,400
Speaker 1: I'm gonna beat the pussy up. And you had to

1054
00:52:48,440 --> 00:52:53,719
Speaker 1: be like your woo, buddy, You're gonna have to finesse this,

1055
00:52:54,480 --> 00:52:57,040
Speaker 1: and you could. You came to me in a very

1056
00:52:57,040 --> 00:52:59,719
Speaker 1: peaceful manner. You were concerned about my ego and you

1057
00:52:59,760 --> 00:53:02,319
Speaker 1: didn't want me to feel a way. So you talk

1058
00:53:02,400 --> 00:53:04,040
Speaker 1: to me nice. You're talking to me nice. You know

1059
00:53:04,040 --> 00:53:06,719
Speaker 1: what I'm saying. You didn't be like you stupid, you

1060
00:53:06,719 --> 00:53:08,600
Speaker 1: do you know what I'm saying, Like there's a care

1061
00:53:08,680 --> 00:53:12,880
Speaker 1: for you and somebody wants exactly know. But you approached

1062
00:53:12,920 --> 00:53:16,239
Speaker 1: me with love. Yes, you didn't just come and try

1063
00:53:16,239 --> 00:53:19,320
Speaker 1: to just down me and make me feel small and stupid.

1064
00:53:19,360 --> 00:53:22,839
Speaker 1: You were just like, hey, bro, like now I love

1065
00:53:22,880 --> 00:53:24,440
Speaker 1: you and I want you to love on me a

1066
00:53:24,480 --> 00:53:26,799
Speaker 1: little bit. You know, Like there's ways, And I think

1067
00:53:26,840 --> 00:53:30,680
Speaker 1: people need to learn in today's society too, that your

1068
00:53:30,719 --> 00:53:34,000
Speaker 1: truth can be spread with love. It doesn't have to

1069
00:53:34,040 --> 00:53:37,640
Speaker 1: be so angry all the time, you know. So I

1070
00:53:37,680 --> 00:53:41,080
Speaker 1: think you know what my help that those smaller moments

1071
00:53:41,120 --> 00:53:45,359
Speaker 1: of conversation, like for example, taking that half hour or

1072
00:53:45,360 --> 00:53:48,759
Speaker 1: that hour a week to just touch base about that

1073
00:53:48,840 --> 00:53:51,880
Speaker 1: have been happening, how you've been feeling things that may have,

1074
00:53:52,120 --> 00:53:53,839
Speaker 1: you know, happened during the week that just kind of

1075
00:53:53,920 --> 00:53:57,040
Speaker 1: are coming to a boiling point. By doing moments like

1076
00:53:57,080 --> 00:53:59,520
Speaker 1: that more often, you'd probably have a lot less of

1077
00:53:59,560 --> 00:54:03,560
Speaker 1: these moments. Yes, absolutely so. Yeah, it's like putting in

1078
00:54:03,560 --> 00:54:06,480
Speaker 1: the work bits and pieces to see the greater return

1079
00:54:06,520 --> 00:54:11,160
Speaker 1: on it. How many times have remember the monogamy episode

1080
00:54:11,239 --> 00:54:14,160
Speaker 1: or when we have the sex episodes? Do people who

1081
00:54:14,160 --> 00:54:17,200
Speaker 1: are not married who are who don't practice these forms

1082
00:54:17,200 --> 00:54:20,359
Speaker 1: of communication often say how can they talk to each

1083
00:54:20,400 --> 00:54:24,200
Speaker 1: other like this? It's because you haven't practiced the art

1084
00:54:24,320 --> 00:54:27,120
Speaker 1: of communicating openly with your spouse that when you hear

1085
00:54:27,160 --> 00:54:29,799
Speaker 1: two people speak like this to each other, it's off

1086
00:54:29,800 --> 00:54:33,520
Speaker 1: putting because she's being honest, he's being honest, and they're

1087
00:54:33,560 --> 00:54:35,560
Speaker 1: able to receive it and laugh and joke about it.

1088
00:54:35,600 --> 00:54:37,759
Speaker 1: But some people see it as disrespect or you know,

1089
00:54:38,160 --> 00:54:40,959
Speaker 1: but like you said, we've put in hours of work, right,

1090
00:54:41,080 --> 00:54:43,000
Speaker 1: so I know you, you know me. Now I know

1091
00:54:43,440 --> 00:54:45,799
Speaker 1: what to say or what you can take. You know

1092
00:54:45,880 --> 00:54:48,120
Speaker 1: what to say or what I can take. So we're

1093
00:54:48,200 --> 00:54:51,320
Speaker 1: able to, you know, talk to each other openly because

1094
00:54:51,320 --> 00:54:54,319
Speaker 1: we've practiced that and we've learned each other, and a

1095
00:54:54,320 --> 00:54:56,640
Speaker 1: whole lot less of beating around the bushes, getting to

1096
00:54:56,640 --> 00:55:00,319
Speaker 1: the point like we don't tiptoe around no more. Stay

1097
00:55:00,320 --> 00:55:02,680
Speaker 1: mad for a while, and every now and again i'll

1098
00:55:02,680 --> 00:55:04,840
Speaker 1: see if the something's bothering him. He won't stay it

1099
00:55:04,840 --> 00:55:07,480
Speaker 1: in that moment, but he'll come within the hour when

1100
00:55:07,480 --> 00:55:09,840
Speaker 1: he was found the right words to say what you

1101
00:55:09,880 --> 00:55:12,320
Speaker 1: needed to say, because you wanted to gather your thoughts,

1102
00:55:12,520 --> 00:55:14,920
Speaker 1: and I guess to be able to express to me

1103
00:55:15,520 --> 00:55:20,680
Speaker 1: eloquently and delicately how you feel without me having because

1104
00:55:20,680 --> 00:55:22,680
Speaker 1: you're you're you're fear and I'm fearful, but you're cautious

1105
00:55:22,719 --> 00:55:25,360
Speaker 1: of how I will receive it. Absolutely, Oh god, all right,

1106
00:55:25,440 --> 00:55:27,480
Speaker 1: we're almost there. Number six and then seven. Six is

1107
00:55:27,480 --> 00:55:31,000
Speaker 1: actually on the flip side of number five. But this

1108
00:55:31,040 --> 00:55:33,520
Speaker 1: is something that you talked about, fighting your tongue on

1109
00:55:33,560 --> 00:55:35,440
Speaker 1: the flip top. On the flip side. Sometimes you have

1110
00:55:35,480 --> 00:55:37,640
Speaker 1: to check yourself to keep the peace. You talked about this.

1111
00:55:37,920 --> 00:55:40,280
Speaker 1: Do you tend to speak before you think, saying hurtful

1112
00:55:40,320 --> 00:55:42,560
Speaker 1: things in the process. Is it sometimes hard to rain

1113
00:55:42,640 --> 00:55:44,360
Speaker 1: in your temper when you're going to get when the

1114
00:55:44,400 --> 00:55:47,000
Speaker 1: going gets rough. If you want to seek peace first.

1115
00:55:47,080 --> 00:55:49,399
Speaker 1: It will pay dividends to learn when to hold your

1116
00:55:49,400 --> 00:55:51,800
Speaker 1: tongue and think about what you're about to say before

1117
00:55:51,800 --> 00:55:54,680
Speaker 1: it comes out of your mouth. Case in point, Case

1118
00:55:54,719 --> 00:55:57,759
Speaker 1: in point, we just we just talk it just co

1119
00:55:57,920 --> 00:56:00,560
Speaker 1: side what we just said. So somebody knows about something

1120
00:56:00,560 --> 00:56:03,840
Speaker 1: not need and nuver seven, Ask for help. If your

1121
00:56:03,880 --> 00:56:06,640
Speaker 1: marriage is in trouble and you can't seem to achieve

1122
00:56:06,680 --> 00:56:08,440
Speaker 1: peace on your own, it's healthy and wise to ask

1123
00:56:08,480 --> 00:56:11,320
Speaker 1: for help a trusted friend, a pastor, mentor, counsel, counselor

1124
00:56:12,080 --> 00:56:15,320
Speaker 1: anyone who can help determine your next steps towards establishing

1125
00:56:15,360 --> 00:56:17,520
Speaker 1: peace in your marriage. Do your best to get your

1126
00:56:17,520 --> 00:56:20,399
Speaker 1: spouse on board and work together with that trusted person

1127
00:56:20,440 --> 00:56:23,840
Speaker 1: in order to get on solid ground. See therapy if

1128
00:56:23,880 --> 00:56:26,040
Speaker 1: you need it, y'all. Picking the right person is of

1129
00:56:26,160 --> 00:56:30,120
Speaker 1: paramount importance, Okay, because if you pick a friend with

1130
00:56:30,160 --> 00:56:33,920
Speaker 1: your single friends by marriage, or a pastor that's bias,

1131
00:56:34,360 --> 00:56:37,839
Speaker 1: or even if you pick a therapist, because therapists are

1132
00:56:37,840 --> 00:56:40,439
Speaker 1: people too, and if you pick a therapist who's bias

1133
00:56:40,520 --> 00:56:43,839
Speaker 1: on either side, that can hurt your marriage. You have

1134
00:56:43,960 --> 00:56:48,920
Speaker 1: to pick someone who has a great perspective and will

1135
00:56:48,960 --> 00:56:51,799
Speaker 1: always stay objective. Yes, because as long as they stay

1136
00:56:51,880 --> 00:56:55,279
Speaker 1: objective and have a unique perspective, you both can learn.

1137
00:56:55,840 --> 00:56:58,719
Speaker 1: Don't seek someone who shares your perspective because then they're

1138
00:56:58,719 --> 00:57:01,279
Speaker 1: seeing everything through your land and it's not going to

1139
00:57:01,360 --> 00:57:03,120
Speaker 1: help you. You don't want to get person on your

1140
00:57:03,120 --> 00:57:05,399
Speaker 1: team all the time. You don't. You need it from

1141
00:57:05,400 --> 00:57:08,640
Speaker 1: a different angle. Yep, sounds good. Good conversation today. I

1142
00:57:08,680 --> 00:57:10,520
Speaker 1: think we should get into some listen letters. Yeah, so

1143
00:57:10,520 --> 00:57:12,840
Speaker 1: we're gonna take a quick break and move into listener

1144
00:57:12,920 --> 00:57:14,920
Speaker 1: letters after we get into these ads. See y'all in

1145
00:57:14,960 --> 00:57:29,400
Speaker 1: a little bit take around, all right, we bet Kadeen's

1146
00:57:29,440 --> 00:57:30,920
Speaker 1: favorite part of the show. Baby, we want to go first?

1147
00:57:31,040 --> 00:57:34,000
Speaker 1: Goa go first, I go first, alright, bet all right,

1148
00:57:34,440 --> 00:57:35,880
Speaker 1: hey y'all. First of all, let me start off by

1149
00:57:35,920 --> 00:57:37,680
Speaker 1: saying I love you both oh so much and have

1150
00:57:37,760 --> 00:57:40,040
Speaker 1: been a fan for a very long time. Let you

1151
00:57:40,120 --> 00:57:44,320
Speaker 1: back SIS or bro and get to see who's writing it.

1152
00:57:44,840 --> 00:57:47,480
Speaker 1: All right. So basically, my boyfriend and I SIS have

1153
00:57:48,040 --> 00:57:50,600
Speaker 1: been together since we were eighteen and now twenty three

1154
00:57:50,640 --> 00:57:53,040
Speaker 1: and have a four month old baby boy. I'll sm

1155
00:57:53,040 --> 00:57:55,400
Speaker 1: me graduating from undergrad and looking to move on to

1156
00:57:55,520 --> 00:57:58,240
Speaker 1: my masters. Our plan was that we would move down

1157
00:57:58,320 --> 00:58:01,120
Speaker 1: south that I can finish my education there and because

1158
00:58:01,120 --> 00:58:04,040
Speaker 1: we both want a new beginning. We both technically still

1159
00:58:04,040 --> 00:58:06,320
Speaker 1: live at home, so this is also a big move

1160
00:58:06,400 --> 00:58:09,840
Speaker 1: for us. But and that's a big butt, y'all. My man,

1161
00:58:09,960 --> 00:58:12,680
Speaker 1: on the other hand, is a semi pro football player

1162
00:58:12,800 --> 00:58:15,040
Speaker 1: and his dreams of making it to the league. He

1163
00:58:15,160 --> 00:58:18,120
Speaker 1: currently He's currently not in school, but plans on going

1164
00:58:18,160 --> 00:58:20,600
Speaker 1: back and is a manager at his current job. My

1165
00:58:20,680 --> 00:58:23,960
Speaker 1: family thinks that we won't be together long because they

1166
00:58:24,040 --> 00:58:27,960
Speaker 1: say a baby changes the relationship and you you're graduating,

1167
00:58:28,040 --> 00:58:31,040
Speaker 1: you're going to want better for yourself. We both don't

1168
00:58:31,080 --> 00:58:32,960
Speaker 1: agree with what others are saying, and we're willing to

1169
00:58:33,000 --> 00:58:35,960
Speaker 1: fight for this relationship no matter what it takes. I

1170
00:58:35,960 --> 00:58:37,920
Speaker 1: don't want him to ever think I don't believe in

1171
00:58:37,960 --> 00:58:40,280
Speaker 1: his dreams or him period. But how do I tell

1172
00:58:40,320 --> 00:58:41,800
Speaker 1: him that it may be time to hang up his

1173
00:58:41,840 --> 00:58:44,880
Speaker 1: football career and maybe look for a full time job.

1174
00:58:45,240 --> 00:58:47,160
Speaker 1: He's a hard worker and I have no doubt that

1175
00:58:47,200 --> 00:58:50,080
Speaker 1: he will. He'll help with his part, but I'm afraid

1176
00:58:50,120 --> 00:58:52,480
Speaker 1: that football may stop him from trying to find a

1177
00:58:52,480 --> 00:58:56,960
Speaker 1: full time position. All right, former pro football player, what

1178
00:58:57,080 --> 00:58:59,800
Speaker 1: do you think? So here's the harsh reality. All of

1179
00:58:59,800 --> 00:59:04,200
Speaker 1: them football players. Okay, there are thirty two teams in

1180
00:59:04,240 --> 00:59:06,920
Speaker 1: the NFL, right, fifty three men on a rosseter. That

1181
00:59:06,960 --> 00:59:11,560
Speaker 1: means fifteen hundred spots. Seven hundred and fifty of those

1182
00:59:11,600 --> 00:59:15,720
Speaker 1: spots are retained every year by current players. That means

1183
00:59:15,760 --> 00:59:17,840
Speaker 1: every year there's about seven hundred to seven hundred and

1184
00:59:17,880 --> 00:59:21,760
Speaker 1: fifty new players who get opportunities. Right, every year, there

1185
00:59:21,760 --> 00:59:25,600
Speaker 1: are over ten thousand players who graduate from college. So

1186
00:59:25,640 --> 00:59:28,320
Speaker 1: if you are playing semi pro football, your chances of

1187
00:59:28,440 --> 00:59:32,360
Speaker 1: making it to the NFL is less than slim to none,

1188
00:59:32,520 --> 00:59:37,320
Speaker 1: less than slim to none because you got FCS, FBS,

1189
00:59:37,760 --> 00:59:41,480
Speaker 1: NAIA junior college. And believe it or not, they are

1190
00:59:41,480 --> 00:59:44,640
Speaker 1: taking football players from other sports. So they are going

1191
00:59:44,680 --> 00:59:47,680
Speaker 1: overseas and finding rugby players, some soccer players who play

1192
00:59:47,720 --> 00:59:50,400
Speaker 1: football because they're looking for athletes. The truth of the

1193
00:59:50,440 --> 00:59:52,800
Speaker 1: matter is, young man, if you were not good enough

1194
00:59:52,880 --> 00:59:56,200
Speaker 1: to make it into college, you are not going to

1195
00:59:56,240 --> 00:59:59,160
Speaker 1: get an opportunity in the NFL. There has never, and

1196
00:59:59,200 --> 01:00:02,360
Speaker 1: I mean never been a player who played semi pro

1197
01:00:02,480 --> 01:00:06,200
Speaker 1: football who hasn't afterwards played in college that got into

1198
01:00:06,240 --> 01:00:09,040
Speaker 1: the NFL. The only people I know who've played semi

1199
01:00:09,040 --> 01:00:12,480
Speaker 1: pro football, who even got an opportunity to even be

1200
01:00:12,560 --> 01:00:15,360
Speaker 1: seen by an NFL scout, or the guys who were

1201
01:00:15,400 --> 01:00:18,200
Speaker 1: in their early twenties who after playing semi pro decided

1202
01:00:18,240 --> 01:00:21,200
Speaker 1: to go to junior college and after junior college ended

1203
01:00:21,280 --> 01:00:22,640
Speaker 1: up in a four year of school. So you can

1204
01:00:22,640 --> 01:00:25,600
Speaker 1: be recruited. You will never be recruited to the NFL

1205
01:00:26,240 --> 01:00:29,720
Speaker 1: out of semi pro football. Just want to be clear, like,

1206
01:00:29,800 --> 01:00:33,880
Speaker 1: that's just not going to happen. With that being said,

1207
01:00:34,720 --> 01:00:38,040
Speaker 1: you two do not need anybody else to validate your

1208
01:00:38,040 --> 01:00:41,120
Speaker 1: relationship in order to make it work. Codeen's parents, my

1209
01:00:41,280 --> 01:00:44,760
Speaker 1: parents both told us this was not gonna work. Codeen's friends.

1210
01:00:44,880 --> 01:00:47,240
Speaker 1: My friends both told us this is not gonna work.

1211
01:00:47,480 --> 01:00:50,360
Speaker 1: In every aspect of our life. From college when we

1212
01:00:50,400 --> 01:00:52,520
Speaker 1: first got together, they were like, oh, you eighteen, your

1213
01:00:52,560 --> 01:00:55,320
Speaker 1: Division one athlete. She's a pretty girl. We'll see y'all

1214
01:00:55,320 --> 01:00:57,560
Speaker 1: in a year. We made it through that. When we

1215
01:00:57,560 --> 01:00:59,560
Speaker 1: were graduating and I was going into the NFL and

1216
01:00:59,600 --> 01:01:02,960
Speaker 1: she was going on in the TV. My teammates when

1217
01:01:02,960 --> 01:01:04,960
Speaker 1: I got to league, Oh, you got a girlfriend from college,

1218
01:01:05,000 --> 01:01:06,640
Speaker 1: all right, we'll see you at the end of the season.

1219
01:01:07,040 --> 01:01:09,440
Speaker 1: We made it through that, going in the TV film.

1220
01:01:09,480 --> 01:01:11,720
Speaker 1: I started to do TV. Kadeen was working in makeup,

1221
01:01:11,720 --> 01:01:14,080
Speaker 1: doing a whole bunch of different stuff. People just like, Oh,

1222
01:01:14,400 --> 01:01:16,600
Speaker 1: you're going in the TV. We'll see you in a year.

1223
01:01:16,920 --> 01:01:19,840
Speaker 1: We got on social media, Oh you're putting your family

1224
01:01:19,840 --> 01:01:22,440
Speaker 1: on social media. Y'all never make it through social media.

1225
01:01:22,760 --> 01:01:26,520
Speaker 1: Fast forward twenty years later, Kadeen and I are still

1226
01:01:26,960 --> 01:01:30,160
Speaker 1: holding together strong because we don't need anybody else to

1227
01:01:30,280 --> 01:01:32,880
Speaker 1: validate what we want to do with our lives. It's

1228
01:01:32,960 --> 01:01:36,040
Speaker 1: us period. It's us period. As long as you put

1229
01:01:36,040 --> 01:01:37,960
Speaker 1: the work in to be better, and he puts the

1230
01:01:38,000 --> 01:01:41,040
Speaker 1: work in and be better, y'all can do any thing

1231
01:01:41,560 --> 01:01:45,200
Speaker 1: you want, anything except go to the NFL from semi pro.

1232
01:01:45,480 --> 01:01:49,840
Speaker 1: That's not happening. Sorry, And I'm gonna give you some

1233
01:01:50,200 --> 01:01:51,920
Speaker 1: honest How did I be talking to me? He's like, Hey,

1234
01:01:51,920 --> 01:01:53,600
Speaker 1: you're not gonna do this, So you're just not gonna

1235
01:01:53,640 --> 01:01:55,040
Speaker 1: make it. That just what it is, because I don't

1236
01:01:55,080 --> 01:01:57,040
Speaker 1: want to feed false hope. If he wants to play

1237
01:01:57,040 --> 01:01:58,920
Speaker 1: in the NFL, you have to parlay that semi pro

1238
01:01:59,040 --> 01:02:01,240
Speaker 1: career to going to a year school to get seen.

1239
01:02:01,720 --> 01:02:03,520
Speaker 1: If you're not trying to go to a four year school,

1240
01:02:03,520 --> 01:02:05,000
Speaker 1: to get seen. You're not going to the league, bro,

1241
01:02:05,280 --> 01:02:07,200
Speaker 1: So this don't mean you ain't going. This means you

1242
01:02:07,160 --> 01:02:08,920
Speaker 1: gotta find yourself in the four year school first. I

1243
01:02:08,960 --> 01:02:12,120
Speaker 1: don't care if it's NAIA Division three, Division two. You

1244
01:02:12,200 --> 01:02:15,200
Speaker 1: have to find a way, all right, now that was

1245
01:02:15,240 --> 01:02:19,320
Speaker 1: that number two? Hey, y'all, Okay, let's get into it.

1246
01:02:19,320 --> 01:02:21,560
Speaker 1: And I'm twenty six. I'm in school and working two

1247
01:02:21,640 --> 01:02:24,000
Speaker 1: jobs and going to school full time. My bills are

1248
01:02:24,040 --> 01:02:26,040
Speaker 1: over three thousand dollars a month. I help my mom

1249
01:02:26,120 --> 01:02:28,960
Speaker 1: with my two younger siblings. She gets disability and there's

1250
01:02:29,000 --> 01:02:31,240
Speaker 1: barely enough to cover rent, so I pay the lights

1251
01:02:31,680 --> 01:02:34,360
Speaker 1: and her car, as well as Wi Fi and TV.

1252
01:02:34,760 --> 01:02:37,160
Speaker 1: My other siblings could care less, and they're also not

1253
01:02:37,320 --> 01:02:39,840
Speaker 1: in any better position than I am to help financially.

1254
01:02:40,120 --> 01:02:42,120
Speaker 1: Along with that, I have my own bills. I have

1255
01:02:42,280 --> 01:02:45,280
Speaker 1: mortgage and household bills that my husband and I split.

1256
01:02:45,480 --> 01:02:47,600
Speaker 1: My husband doesn't understand. He comes from a big family

1257
01:02:47,640 --> 01:02:49,720
Speaker 1: who has each other's back, and I don't. I come

1258
01:02:49,760 --> 01:02:53,200
Speaker 1: from struggle and having no one. I understand, when you

1259
01:02:53,240 --> 01:02:55,200
Speaker 1: get married it's you and your husband, But does that

1260
01:02:55,240 --> 01:02:57,720
Speaker 1: mean leaving my family to struggle while I'm living comfortably

1261
01:02:58,240 --> 01:02:59,920
Speaker 1: what do I do? I love my husband, but I

1262
01:03:00,080 --> 01:03:02,880
Speaker 1: would like a man who chiishes my family as much

1263
01:03:02,920 --> 01:03:05,280
Speaker 1: as I do, and seems to me he wants me

1264
01:03:05,360 --> 01:03:08,320
Speaker 1: to leave them hanging high and dry. Mind you, helping

1265
01:03:08,360 --> 01:03:11,840
Speaker 1: them doesn't affect our finances. We split everything. This has

1266
01:03:11,880 --> 01:03:14,800
Speaker 1: been bothering me because this is not what I envisioned

1267
01:03:14,840 --> 01:03:18,360
Speaker 1: my husband to be like. M So it said that

1268
01:03:18,360 --> 01:03:20,640
Speaker 1: your husband is just seeing you as an enabler for

1269
01:03:20,720 --> 01:03:24,080
Speaker 1: your family. Yeah, and he's trying to protect you maybe

1270
01:03:24,120 --> 01:03:28,320
Speaker 1: from being taken advantage of. Yeah. That kind of sounds

1271
01:03:28,360 --> 01:03:32,080
Speaker 1: like what's happening yeah here, because you're the only one

1272
01:03:32,160 --> 01:03:36,200
Speaker 1: the other siblings caring less and you're caring more. She

1273
01:03:36,360 --> 01:03:39,520
Speaker 1: said care less. Ye why would he? Why would your

1274
01:03:39,560 --> 01:03:43,800
Speaker 1: siblings care less? Because you're caring too much? Wow? Yep,

1275
01:03:44,600 --> 01:03:48,400
Speaker 1: bow simple. That's pretty much what's happening here, says And

1276
01:03:48,520 --> 01:03:50,400
Speaker 1: it may not be that your husband doesn't like your

1277
01:03:50,400 --> 01:03:53,120
Speaker 1: family per se, but they may not like he may

1278
01:03:53,160 --> 01:03:54,520
Speaker 1: not like the way that they're treating you in this

1279
01:03:54,520 --> 01:03:56,919
Speaker 1: moment because they see that you're going to be able

1280
01:03:56,960 --> 01:03:59,360
Speaker 1: to just support them and continue to support them because

1281
01:03:59,520 --> 01:04:02,200
Speaker 1: that's just what you've been doing. I think the times

1282
01:04:02,240 --> 01:04:04,360
Speaker 1: that We've had family members where we were being that

1283
01:04:04,440 --> 01:04:06,800
Speaker 1: crutch for them, were always being the one that they

1284
01:04:06,840 --> 01:04:10,200
Speaker 1: could run to for aid. The moments where we've literally

1285
01:04:10,280 --> 01:04:13,480
Speaker 1: kind of pulled back and allowed them to maybe have

1286
01:04:13,560 --> 01:04:16,000
Speaker 1: a moment where they fell flat on their face and

1287
01:04:16,080 --> 01:04:21,120
Speaker 1: watching them regain their footing has been the moments where

1288
01:04:21,120 --> 01:04:23,680
Speaker 1: we're like, ah, so you can't do this because you

1289
01:04:23,760 --> 01:04:26,040
Speaker 1: were forced to do this because you had no choice

1290
01:04:26,440 --> 01:04:28,640
Speaker 1: but to do this. Yes, I can be here as

1291
01:04:28,640 --> 01:04:32,400
Speaker 1: a support, but I'm not sitting here to support adults

1292
01:04:32,480 --> 01:04:34,680
Speaker 1: like I'm just not doing that. So that might be

1293
01:04:34,680 --> 01:04:36,640
Speaker 1: where your husband seeing things that's his because y'all have

1294
01:04:36,680 --> 01:04:38,840
Speaker 1: y'all bills well over three thousand dollars a month, and

1295
01:04:38,840 --> 01:04:41,000
Speaker 1: then you help your mom and your two younger siblings.

1296
01:04:41,240 --> 01:04:44,800
Speaker 1: You're paying the bill, the light, the car, the WiFi,

1297
01:04:44,960 --> 01:04:48,960
Speaker 1: the TV. Nobody has any reason to attempt to try

1298
01:04:48,960 --> 01:04:52,760
Speaker 1: to get themselves up and moving. I don't gonna say,

1299
01:04:52,960 --> 01:04:56,600
Speaker 1: because I agree with you, you gotta let people fall

1300
01:04:56,680 --> 01:04:58,960
Speaker 1: in order for them to learn how to walk. Yeah,

1301
01:04:59,000 --> 01:05:01,439
Speaker 1: you carry people to hold, how are they ever gonna

1302
01:05:01,520 --> 01:05:03,720
Speaker 1: learn right, regardless of the fact that you're doing it comfortably,

1303
01:05:03,760 --> 01:05:06,520
Speaker 1: Because it's not even that's not the point. It's just

1304
01:05:07,160 --> 01:05:10,440
Speaker 1: making bad habits because people. You can teach the man

1305
01:05:10,560 --> 01:05:12,120
Speaker 1: how to fish, or you can give them a fish.

1306
01:05:12,320 --> 01:05:14,920
Speaker 1: If you keep giving them a fish, what happens to

1307
01:05:15,000 --> 01:05:18,960
Speaker 1: him when something happens to you, God forbid, you know

1308
01:05:18,960 --> 01:05:21,480
Speaker 1: what I'm saying. That's some perspective too. That's the truth.

1309
01:05:21,520 --> 01:05:23,360
Speaker 1: If something would have ever happened to you and you

1310
01:05:23,400 --> 01:05:26,240
Speaker 1: can't provide no more, your family's gonna fall. You have

1311
01:05:26,400 --> 01:05:29,240
Speaker 1: to let them learn on their own. That's part of

1312
01:05:29,280 --> 01:05:31,880
Speaker 1: being a good siblings, letting them learn. We Kadeen and

1313
01:05:31,960 --> 01:05:34,840
Speaker 1: I have both been there as old as siblings. Oh yes,

1314
01:05:35,280 --> 01:05:39,680
Speaker 1: we've been there, and we support each other's families wholeheartedly absolutely,

1315
01:05:40,280 --> 01:05:43,400
Speaker 1: you know, supporting you your parents. We both understand that

1316
01:05:44,040 --> 01:05:46,320
Speaker 1: it depends on if your mom is a hard work

1317
01:05:46,400 --> 01:05:49,120
Speaker 1: or not. She didn't explain that, but your mom can

1318
01:05:49,160 --> 01:05:53,720
Speaker 1: also feel entitled if you've made it and now she

1319
01:05:53,760 --> 01:05:55,480
Speaker 1: feels like, well, you made it, so now you got

1320
01:05:55,480 --> 01:05:59,160
Speaker 1: to take care of me. You're not. You're not responsible

1321
01:05:59,160 --> 01:06:01,360
Speaker 1: to take care of your mom. This sounds crazy. You

1322
01:06:01,400 --> 01:06:04,560
Speaker 1: should feel a responsibility to help your mom in times

1323
01:06:04,600 --> 01:06:08,640
Speaker 1: of need, but your mom doesn't automatically become your dependent

1324
01:06:09,080 --> 01:06:11,080
Speaker 1: and any person who feels like I've had kids so

1325
01:06:11,160 --> 01:06:12,600
Speaker 1: they can take care of me. It's probably one of

1326
01:06:12,680 --> 01:06:14,680
Speaker 1: the most selfish things I've ever heard in my life.

1327
01:06:14,920 --> 01:06:16,400
Speaker 1: I there will never be a point in my life

1328
01:06:16,440 --> 01:06:18,960
Speaker 1: where I'm just gonna sit back and be like, well, Jackson,

1329
01:06:19,000 --> 01:06:21,080
Speaker 1: Cairo Kaz the code. I did this for y'all, So

1330
01:06:21,160 --> 01:06:24,480
Speaker 1: y'all owe me. No, did y'all nass to come here?

1331
01:06:24,880 --> 01:06:27,120
Speaker 1: Y'all came here on my guilty pleasures. It's not like

1332
01:06:27,240 --> 01:06:29,720
Speaker 1: y'all were sitting back in the universe saying, please devote,

1333
01:06:29,760 --> 01:06:33,400
Speaker 1: let me free, bring me into that, bring me down right.

1334
01:06:33,440 --> 01:06:35,800
Speaker 1: I have the responsibility to teach y'all how to become

1335
01:06:36,080 --> 01:06:38,680
Speaker 1: successful humans, and that's my goal. And once I do that,

1336
01:06:38,720 --> 01:06:41,600
Speaker 1: I still have a responsibility to protect and provide for

1337
01:06:41,720 --> 01:06:45,280
Speaker 1: my wife and protect and provide for myself. Absolutely all

1338
01:06:45,320 --> 01:06:47,320
Speaker 1: adults have that. Anybody puts that on their kids is

1339
01:06:47,360 --> 01:06:50,840
Speaker 1: messed up. So that's it, period, period. All right. If

1340
01:06:50,840 --> 01:06:52,479
Speaker 1: you want to be featured as one of our listener letters,

1341
01:06:52,520 --> 01:06:54,720
Speaker 1: be sure to email us at dead Ass Advice at

1342
01:06:54,760 --> 01:06:57,120
Speaker 1: gmail dot com. That's right, that's d E A d

1343
01:06:57,200 --> 01:07:00,520
Speaker 1: A s A d V I C E at gmail

1344
01:07:00,840 --> 01:07:03,800
Speaker 1: dot com. All right, moment of truth time, were talking

1345
01:07:03,800 --> 01:07:07,400
Speaker 1: about peace, The pressure is surrounding peace and all that.

1346
01:07:08,160 --> 01:07:11,200
Speaker 1: I think my moment of truth today is when it

1347
01:07:11,240 --> 01:07:14,800
Speaker 1: comes to peace and as it relates to your spouse,

1348
01:07:16,440 --> 01:07:21,080
Speaker 1: being careful to realize when there are moments that might

1349
01:07:21,120 --> 01:07:25,120
Speaker 1: disrupt peace and using discernment to decide whether or not

1350
01:07:25,240 --> 01:07:28,200
Speaker 1: it's a good time to do so, and finding ways

1351
01:07:28,240 --> 01:07:32,360
Speaker 1: to instead maybe insert a little bit more of those

1352
01:07:32,400 --> 01:07:35,680
Speaker 1: moments of peace so that way you can in turn

1353
01:07:37,880 --> 01:07:40,720
Speaker 1: be having those moments so that you can in turn

1354
01:07:40,760 --> 01:07:43,600
Speaker 1: have less moments of combat. Because I think timing a

1355
01:07:43,600 --> 01:07:46,040
Speaker 1: lot of times is everything. If it's a moment where

1356
01:07:46,040 --> 01:07:48,880
Speaker 1: you feel like this peace is necessary and I can

1357
01:07:48,960 --> 01:07:51,640
Speaker 1: just hold off on something that may be necessarily bothering

1358
01:07:51,680 --> 01:07:55,720
Speaker 1: me in that moment, let me hold off because devou

1359
01:07:55,800 --> 01:07:58,520
Speaker 1: deserves a moment of peace, or my spouse may not

1360
01:07:58,560 --> 01:08:00,800
Speaker 1: need this in this moment. I think that's part of

1361
01:08:00,840 --> 01:08:03,200
Speaker 1: the protection that I said that I like to feel

1362
01:08:03,400 --> 01:08:05,640
Speaker 1: when I have peace. I think you should also protect

1363
01:08:05,680 --> 01:08:09,320
Speaker 1: your spouse in that circumstance too, So I understand it

1364
01:08:09,400 --> 01:08:12,360
Speaker 1: makes sense. That makes sense just protecting their mental space,

1365
01:08:12,360 --> 01:08:15,960
Speaker 1: their mental health. My moment of peace is very simple.

1366
01:08:16,720 --> 01:08:18,639
Speaker 1: Moment of peace. My moment of truth is very simple.

1367
01:08:18,920 --> 01:08:22,679
Speaker 1: Providing peace doesn't come with a gender qualification, which means

1368
01:08:22,720 --> 01:08:24,840
Speaker 1: just because you're a woman or just because you're a man.

1369
01:08:25,240 --> 01:08:27,799
Speaker 1: You have to provide peace a certain way to your spouse.

1370
01:08:28,720 --> 01:08:31,280
Speaker 1: Peace looks like whatever your spouse needs in that moment.

1371
01:08:32,160 --> 01:08:35,400
Speaker 1: And we as a society, if people have to realize

1372
01:08:35,800 --> 01:08:39,000
Speaker 1: that we can't create peace for our spouse by listening

1373
01:08:39,000 --> 01:08:41,760
Speaker 1: to other people's idea of what they think peace is.

1374
01:08:42,400 --> 01:08:45,679
Speaker 1: The minute you do that, you're failing your spouse. Look

1375
01:08:45,720 --> 01:08:49,160
Speaker 1: at your spouse, Listen to your spouse and try to

1376
01:08:49,240 --> 01:08:53,120
Speaker 1: try to create whatever peace they need, because they and

1377
01:08:53,200 --> 01:08:56,160
Speaker 1: then will be able to create peace for you. You know,

1378
01:08:56,560 --> 01:09:00,559
Speaker 1: peace reciprocation of peace comes by creating peace first. Yes,

1379
01:09:00,800 --> 01:09:04,360
Speaker 1: so you cannot you cannot piece you know, expect peace, yes,

1380
01:09:04,640 --> 01:09:07,960
Speaker 1: or demand peace without being peace to your spouse. All right,

1381
01:09:07,960 --> 01:09:10,439
Speaker 1: It's like read the functual in the room. Is it

1382
01:09:10,479 --> 01:09:12,720
Speaker 1: is the front? Is the fun piecing or is it not?

1383
01:09:13,720 --> 01:09:15,800
Speaker 1: Is it giving piece or is it not? Read the room,

1384
01:09:15,960 --> 01:09:19,880
Speaker 1: Read the room and to piggyback or to add to

1385
01:09:19,920 --> 01:09:25,080
Speaker 1: my moment of truth, just implement within your relationship married

1386
01:09:25,200 --> 01:09:30,080
Speaker 1: or not that whatever percentage devout said of time or

1387
01:09:30,160 --> 01:09:34,080
Speaker 1: week to just touch base, to chat, whether it's over

1388
01:09:34,240 --> 01:09:38,360
Speaker 1: date night, you know y'all are making dinner together, taking

1389
01:09:38,360 --> 01:09:41,640
Speaker 1: a bath together, whatever, it may be a lot that

1390
01:09:41,720 --> 01:09:44,719
Speaker 1: time frame to just talk about, not necessarily even something

1391
01:09:44,720 --> 01:09:46,840
Speaker 1: that's bothering you per se, but saying, hey, babe, you

1392
01:09:46,840 --> 01:09:50,880
Speaker 1: know this week, I love that you went out your

1393
01:09:50,920 --> 01:09:53,479
Speaker 1: way to get me something to eat. And it might

1394
01:09:53,479 --> 01:09:56,600
Speaker 1: not have been Chick fil A. It might knew it was,

1395
01:09:58,080 --> 01:10:01,479
Speaker 1: but you knew what my i'm needed with some food.

1396
01:10:01,920 --> 01:10:05,280
Speaker 1: So you were a little late, but you got me

1397
01:10:05,400 --> 01:10:07,960
Speaker 1: something to eat. And I love you for that and

1398
01:10:08,000 --> 01:10:10,320
Speaker 1: I appreciate you for that, and you were my peace

1399
01:10:10,360 --> 01:10:15,160
Speaker 1: in that moment when I could not see Amen. Amen, Amen.

1400
01:10:15,439 --> 01:10:16,880
Speaker 1: And if you'd like to be featured one of our

1401
01:10:16,880 --> 01:10:20,559
Speaker 1: listener letters, email us. Oh we already did that, say

1402
01:10:20,560 --> 01:10:23,320
Speaker 1: oh you're trying to be facetious. Now he got he

1403
01:10:23,439 --> 01:10:26,400
Speaker 1: lost his place in the script. Let me go back

1404
01:10:26,439 --> 01:10:29,880
Speaker 1: to hosting the show. Be sure to find us on

1405
01:10:29,960 --> 01:10:34,559
Speaker 1: social media at dead as Advice. No, there you go.

1406
01:10:34,840 --> 01:10:37,840
Speaker 1: This is what happens karma, This is karma, this is

1407
01:10:37,920 --> 01:10:39,640
Speaker 1: let me try now, because you rested it up. This

1408
01:10:39,680 --> 01:10:42,040
Speaker 1: is how y'all know that we married, because should be

1409
01:10:42,080 --> 01:10:45,280
Speaker 1: going like this all the time. It's fine. Be sure

1410
01:10:45,320 --> 01:10:47,200
Speaker 1: to find us on social media at dead Ass, to

1411
01:10:47,280 --> 01:10:51,000
Speaker 1: podcast Yes I Am Devout and Candine I Am and

1412
01:10:51,040 --> 01:10:54,000
Speaker 1: if you're listening with Apple Podcasts, be sure to rate, review,

1413
01:10:54,400 --> 01:11:00,000
Speaker 1: and subscribe peacefully. Dead Ass is a production of iHeart Media,

1414
01:11:00,040 --> 01:11:02,960
Speaker 1: a podcast network, and it is produced by Dinorapinya and

1415
01:11:03,120 --> 01:11:06,160
Speaker 1: Triple Follow the podcast on social media at dead as

1416
01:11:06,240 --> 01:11:07,920
Speaker 1: the podcasts and never miss a Thing