WEBVTT - EP 28 – Hannah, Pt. 1 0:00:00.240 --> 0:00:03.360 Hey, it's Andrea Gunning. Our season of weekly stories is 0:00:03.360 --> 0:00:05.840 coming to an end, but don't worry. We'll be back 0:00:05.840 --> 0:00:08.319 soon with more episodes. So if you have a story 0:00:08.320 --> 0:00:10.320 of your own that you'd like to share on the podcast, 0:00:10.480 --> 0:00:13.960 email us at Betrayal pod at gmail dot com. In 0:00:14.000 --> 0:00:16.880 the meantime, we want to do something new and exciting. 0:00:17.960 --> 0:00:21.640 This month, We're taking short creative essays submissions from listeners. 0:00:22.200 --> 0:00:25.240 The theme is resilience in the face of a devastating betrayal. 0:00:25.840 --> 0:00:27.720 We want to hear the story of how you healed 0:00:27.920 --> 0:00:31.400 scars and all. Here's the catch. The limit is a 0:00:31.480 --> 0:00:34.440 thousand words. If your story stands out, it might be 0:00:34.479 --> 0:00:37.800 featured in a bonus episode. Please save your submission as 0:00:37.840 --> 0:00:41.159 a PDF and email it to Betrayal Pod at gmail 0:00:41.200 --> 0:00:46.520 dot com. Okay, now onto the episode. 0:00:47.880 --> 0:00:51.960 At this point, my heart has just dropped. Then I 0:00:52.000 --> 0:00:57.000 feel like I'm going to vomit. The betrayal felt so 0:00:58.160 --> 0:01:01.520 intentional and possibly it was a long time coming. 0:01:14.319 --> 0:01:17.720 I'm Andrea Gunning, and this is Betrayal, a show about 0:01:17.760 --> 0:01:20.800 the people we trust the most and the deceptions that 0:01:21.000 --> 0:01:27.520 change everything. Betrayals often come with a loss. On this show, 0:01:27.760 --> 0:01:30.200 we've heard stories from people who lost the love of 0:01:30.240 --> 0:01:33.920 their life or their understanding of who that person was. 0:01:34.840 --> 0:01:37.760 Others have had their children, their home, or their money 0:01:37.800 --> 0:01:41.200 taken from them. We've told stories about people losing their 0:01:41.200 --> 0:01:45.440 sense of self. But no matter the betrayal, everyone we've 0:01:45.480 --> 0:01:50.760 talked to has held on to one thing, their story. 0:01:51.560 --> 0:01:55.120 Even when they lost everything, they still had the truth. 0:01:56.840 --> 0:01:59.320 But then we heard Hannah Patard's story. 0:02:00.160 --> 0:02:04.120 I remember writing stories from the time I was a 0:02:04.120 --> 0:02:04.720 little girl. 0:02:05.480 --> 0:02:09.280 Today, Hannah is an accomplished author. Stories have always been 0:02:09.440 --> 0:02:12.480 a big part of who she is. When she was little, 0:02:12.480 --> 0:02:16.440 Hannah's family lived on a farm outside of Atlanta. There, 0:02:16.720 --> 0:02:18.560 her imagination would run wild. 0:02:19.400 --> 0:02:27.120 We had horses, chickens, born kittens. It was a wonderful time, but. 0:02:27.160 --> 0:02:32.040 It wasn't a wonderful time for everyone. When she was 0:02:32.040 --> 0:02:36.359 in elementary school, Hannah's parents began a bitter divorce. Hannah 0:02:36.520 --> 0:02:39.520 was the youngest of three, and at first the siblings 0:02:39.520 --> 0:02:43.480 all had each other, but eventually her older siblings went 0:02:43.480 --> 0:02:47.080 off to boarding school and Hannah was left at home 0:02:47.520 --> 0:02:49.600 in the middle of her parents' custody battle. 0:02:50.560 --> 0:02:55.680 I was constantly getting interviewed by a different therapist. It 0:02:55.760 --> 0:02:59.680 felt to my mind like we were constantly going to 0:02:59.680 --> 0:03:00.600 see a judge. 0:03:02.000 --> 0:03:03.880 Her escape was reading. 0:03:04.200 --> 0:03:08.079 I read, and I would just go into this fictional 0:03:08.200 --> 0:03:13.600 dream and block out the noise of whatever was happening 0:03:13.639 --> 0:03:15.400 in the other room. 0:03:15.840 --> 0:03:18.080 That's when she started writing stories of her own. 0:03:18.960 --> 0:03:24.960 By sixth grade, I was writing poems, horrible, sad, sac poems, 0:03:25.639 --> 0:03:29.720 and as a thirteen fourteen year old, I had started 0:03:29.720 --> 0:03:34.079 writing little sketches and just became pretty serious about it. 0:03:34.720 --> 0:03:38.360 Writing felt exciting. It allowed her to get lost in 0:03:38.440 --> 0:03:41.840 worlds of her own creation. But in her real life, 0:03:42.480 --> 0:03:46.560 Hannah was lonely, so she asked her parents to send 0:03:46.600 --> 0:03:49.160 her to boarding school. She thought it would be her 0:03:49.240 --> 0:03:52.960 chance to start over, to reinvent herself, But when she 0:03:53.040 --> 0:03:53.760 got there. 0:03:54.320 --> 0:03:58.480 I was still meek, naturally introverted, living in my head 0:03:58.960 --> 0:04:00.800 writing stories. 0:04:01.240 --> 0:04:06.560 Hannah chose Deerfield Academy, a school known for its challenging academics. 0:04:07.120 --> 0:04:09.920 It was cutthroat, but Hannah hardly noticed. 0:04:10.480 --> 0:04:15.720 I was blissfully unaware of what an elite institution it was, 0:04:16.360 --> 0:04:24.680 and I was blissfully unaware of any kind of real competition. Truly, 0:04:24.760 --> 0:04:26.960 the worst part of it was what I was doing 0:04:27.440 --> 0:04:28.960 in private to myself. 0:04:30.080 --> 0:04:34.640 By tenth grade, Hannah developed an eating disorder, and as 0:04:34.640 --> 0:04:36.840 a note to listeners, we're going to talk about some 0:04:36.920 --> 0:04:40.880 details of her experience. For Hannah, controlling food was a 0:04:40.920 --> 0:04:43.240 way for her to feel a false sense of control. 0:04:44.000 --> 0:04:46.880 It only made the divide between her and her peers 0:04:47.160 --> 0:04:47.880 grow wider. 0:04:49.200 --> 0:04:51.880 You're a kid with a secret, and it's a really 0:04:51.920 --> 0:04:54.840 big secret. It is a secret where you are hurting 0:04:54.880 --> 0:04:58.960 your body in this intentional way, and you're not relying 0:04:59.000 --> 0:05:02.520 on the world, and you're not trusting anybody else because 0:05:02.560 --> 0:05:05.280 you don't want to get caught. You're just so much 0:05:05.320 --> 0:05:10.960 by yourself socially, I was definitely isolated and isolating. 0:05:11.880 --> 0:05:14.560 She kept her head down and focused on her studies, 0:05:15.080 --> 0:05:17.880 especially her English and creative writing classes. 0:05:18.760 --> 0:05:21.839 By the time I graduated, I'd won a couple writing awards, 0:05:22.160 --> 0:05:25.279 so I had this idea that maybe I was good, 0:05:25.480 --> 0:05:26.120 or I could be. 0:05:26.080 --> 0:05:30.120 Good for college. She went to the University of Chicago 0:05:30.320 --> 0:05:31.880 and got her degree in English. 0:05:32.640 --> 0:05:36.599 I was too intimidated to take a single creative writing class. 0:05:37.360 --> 0:05:39.520 I didn't want to be told that I wasn't as 0:05:39.560 --> 0:05:42.679 good as I felt like i'd been on Deerfield's campus. 0:05:43.440 --> 0:05:46.400 I thought, if I'm not saying what I want, then 0:05:46.560 --> 0:05:50.520 nobody knows to be disappointed in me or embarrassed on 0:05:50.600 --> 0:05:52.480 my behalf. Oh, you didn't get it. You wanted to 0:05:52.520 --> 0:05:53.960 be a writer, and you didn't get it. 0:05:56.200 --> 0:06:00.000 Pursuing a real writing career terrified her, but she dreamed 0:06:00.080 --> 0:06:02.920 of a master's degree in fiction writing, so she sent 0:06:03.000 --> 0:06:05.120 in a few half hearted applications. 0:06:05.560 --> 0:06:07.760 I think I sent them something that I might not 0:06:07.839 --> 0:06:12.400 even have reread, and swiftly was rejected. And I'm so 0:06:12.520 --> 0:06:16.000 glad that I was rejected, because it was a wake 0:06:16.080 --> 0:06:18.839 up call that if you want this, you have to try. 0:06:20.920 --> 0:06:23.360 She spent the next year honing her craft as best 0:06:23.400 --> 0:06:23.799 she could. 0:06:24.520 --> 0:06:27.680 I paid off. I got into several different programs and 0:06:27.880 --> 0:06:30.839 ultimately ended up at the University of Virginia. 0:06:31.120 --> 0:06:33.960 She packed up her life and headed to Charlottesville. And 0:06:34.000 --> 0:06:37.200 she made a promise to herself, the same one she'd 0:06:37.240 --> 0:06:38.560 made before boarding school. 0:06:39.320 --> 0:06:41.480 You're going to get to grad school and you're going 0:06:41.520 --> 0:06:44.840 to become the social person that you know you want 0:06:44.839 --> 0:06:47.760 to be. You're going to change your life. 0:06:48.120 --> 0:06:51.440 From her first day in the program, that vision felt 0:06:51.440 --> 0:06:52.080 within reach. 0:06:52.760 --> 0:06:57.039 The program had its very first meeting, all of the 0:06:57.080 --> 0:07:00.359 second years in the program were there, and all of 0:07:00.360 --> 0:07:06.640 the new first years were there. I will always remember 0:07:06.839 --> 0:07:11.800 the first time I saw Trish. She was captivating. 0:07:12.760 --> 0:07:14.720 Trish was a second year in the program. 0:07:15.680 --> 0:07:19.160 She had on a great outfit, red lipstick, I think 0:07:19.200 --> 0:07:22.560 she had on a pair of yellow belly flats. Her 0:07:22.600 --> 0:07:27.240 hair looked amazing. She just was cool. 0:07:28.280 --> 0:07:31.800 Trish was everything Hannah was not, and Hannah wanted to 0:07:31.840 --> 0:07:33.080 make a good first impression. 0:07:34.120 --> 0:07:38.200 Back then, I was being plagued with situational roseatia, which 0:07:38.240 --> 0:07:42.080 I've had all my life. If you made eye contact 0:07:42.080 --> 0:07:45.960 with me, I either cried or blushed. And it's not 0:07:46.160 --> 0:07:48.640 just blushing, you know. I think sometimes people hear the 0:07:48.640 --> 0:07:51.400 word blush and they think of like these two little 0:07:51.480 --> 0:07:54.600 cherries on either side of your cheeks. It's like a 0:07:54.760 --> 0:07:59.160 rash that crawls up my neck and makes my cheeks blatchy. 0:08:00.200 --> 0:08:03.560 So when she introduced herself to the group, she'd turned 0:08:03.560 --> 0:08:06.440 bright red, and Trish noticed. 0:08:06.840 --> 0:08:10.080 I'm still bright red, and she came over and she 0:08:10.160 --> 0:08:13.200 put her hand on my arm, and she said something like, 0:08:13.960 --> 0:08:17.600 it's really sweet how you blush when you're nervous. It 0:08:17.640 --> 0:08:22.880 makes you seem authentic. That was pretty excited that she'd 0:08:22.960 --> 0:08:26.400 noticed me. She made me feel seen and we became 0:08:26.440 --> 0:08:28.480 friends after that. 0:08:28.480 --> 0:08:31.400 That day was a new beginning for Hannah. She was 0:08:31.440 --> 0:08:33.680 starting to have this social life she'd always wanted. 0:08:34.280 --> 0:08:39.120 People from the program would call to invite me out, 0:08:39.200 --> 0:08:41.679 and they'd come back to my house for house parties, 0:08:41.800 --> 0:08:45.120 and meanwhile, we're all just reading and writing and going 0:08:45.120 --> 0:08:49.319 to coffee shops. It was the fantasy that I'd imagined 0:08:49.360 --> 0:08:50.079 for myself. 0:08:50.800 --> 0:08:54.480 And at all these events, Hannah would watch Trish command 0:08:54.520 --> 0:08:54.880 the room. 0:08:56.000 --> 0:09:02.920 Trish seemed so comfortable in her skin. She seemed comfortable 0:09:03.920 --> 0:09:08.680 being pretty. She seemed comfortable being perceived as somebody who 0:09:08.760 --> 0:09:13.559 wanted to look pretty. Meanwhile, I am all day long, 0:09:14.360 --> 0:09:17.080 non stop, thinking about my body. During this time, I 0:09:17.160 --> 0:09:21.800 was so embarrassed of having anyone think that I wanted 0:09:21.840 --> 0:09:26.760 to be pretty or sexy or feminine, even though that 0:09:26.880 --> 0:09:28.280 is desperately what I wanted. 0:09:29.040 --> 0:09:32.440 Trish started calling Hannah to hang out, and her confidence 0:09:32.800 --> 0:09:36.959 began to rub off on Hannah. For so long, Hannah 0:09:36.960 --> 0:09:40.880 had been trying to make herself small emotionally and physically. 0:09:41.440 --> 0:09:44.160 For instance, she would only wear sports bras. 0:09:44.720 --> 0:09:48.480 I was eliminating curves, but I was also eliminating the 0:09:48.559 --> 0:09:51.560 embarrassment of being perceived to somebody who wanted to be sexy. 0:09:52.480 --> 0:09:56.960 But Trisha inspired Hannah to make a change. 0:09:55.920 --> 0:09:59.160 For the first time ever. I stopped wearing jogbras, and 0:09:59.200 --> 0:10:03.160 then I started wearing skirts with her encouragement, and I 0:10:03.200 --> 0:10:07.720 started showing off my body. I'm coming out of my shell, 0:10:07.920 --> 0:10:11.479 and she's helping me come out of my shell. 0:10:11.640 --> 0:10:14.680 Trish liked to go out. It was something Hannah hadn't 0:10:14.720 --> 0:10:18.560 really done before, but pretty quickly she realized she liked 0:10:18.600 --> 0:10:18.920 it too. 0:10:19.960 --> 0:10:23.000 When Trish would call me, it was meet me at 0:10:23.000 --> 0:10:26.880 this bar. She drank beers, she drank shots, and so 0:10:26.960 --> 0:10:29.480 I started drinking beers and I started drinking shots, and 0:10:29.520 --> 0:10:32.400 I noticed that it was a lot easier to be 0:10:32.640 --> 0:10:37.679 at bars and easier to talk to tawnies and strangers, 0:10:37.960 --> 0:10:39.959 and I followed her lead. 0:10:41.160 --> 0:10:44.920 Over time, Hannah began distancing herself from the other first years, 0:10:45.480 --> 0:10:48.080 and she was spending more and more nights with Trish. 0:10:48.440 --> 0:10:54.040 I felt like, here, at last, is a friend who's school, 0:10:54.600 --> 0:10:59.400 who I can talk to and go out with. Here's 0:10:59.440 --> 0:11:03.840 my first female adult friend. Her friendship when I was 0:11:03.880 --> 0:11:06.800 feeling so vulnerable was transformative. 0:11:24.720 --> 0:11:28.360 Trish was Hannah's first real friend, and their bond only 0:11:28.400 --> 0:11:31.559 grew stronger. During Hannah's second year in grad school. 0:11:31.880 --> 0:11:36.559 We were brought closer by the fact that my stepfather, 0:11:36.679 --> 0:11:40.640 who had adopted me, was sick my entire second year. 0:11:41.880 --> 0:11:45.760 He had been diagnosed with pancreatic cancer. Trish knew what 0:11:45.880 --> 0:11:49.160 Hannah was going through. She had lost her own dad 0:11:49.200 --> 0:11:50.360 a couple of years earlier. 0:11:51.400 --> 0:11:56.240 She understood grief, and she understood loss. And when I 0:11:56.360 --> 0:12:01.800 would become quiet or start crying at a bar, she 0:12:02.000 --> 0:12:05.040 was not judgmental. She knew how to act around me. 0:12:06.040 --> 0:12:09.040 Hannah's other grad school friends just didn't get. 0:12:08.840 --> 0:12:14.040 It, and so I ultimately ended up isolating myself from 0:12:14.120 --> 0:12:19.400 them and sort of glombed onto Trish and the Charlottesville 0:12:19.480 --> 0:12:21.520 music scene. 0:12:22.120 --> 0:12:24.920 Trish was dating a guy named George, a poet in 0:12:24.960 --> 0:12:27.559 the program. The two of them were very plugged into 0:12:27.640 --> 0:12:30.640 the live music scene in town, so they would often 0:12:30.679 --> 0:12:34.360 bring Hannah to shows. That's how Hannah met Patrick. He 0:12:34.440 --> 0:12:36.120 was a musician in a local band. 0:12:36.679 --> 0:12:39.520 Trish and George they loved the band. They love this guy, 0:12:40.480 --> 0:12:43.240 Trish said, one night, you got to meet him. He's 0:12:43.280 --> 0:12:47.120 so great, he's so cute. He had a girlfriend, so 0:12:47.200 --> 0:12:49.120 I didn't think of him as a love interest, but 0:12:49.200 --> 0:12:50.680 I did meet him and I was like, ah, he 0:12:50.760 --> 0:12:51.959 is cute. 0:12:52.280 --> 0:12:55.400 During this period, Hannah was often traveling home to spend 0:12:55.480 --> 0:12:58.480 time with her family and visit her stepdad in hospice. 0:12:58.920 --> 0:13:00.680 Trish knew that I played a lot to scrabble with 0:13:00.720 --> 0:13:04.440 my family, and she knew that Patrick played scrabble. And 0:13:05.000 --> 0:13:09.640 I never would have made the first move to be 0:13:09.760 --> 0:13:14.160 in touch with Patrick because I didn't really know how 0:13:14.160 --> 0:13:18.800 to have male friends at that point in my life. 0:13:19.040 --> 0:13:21.560 But Trisha insisted that the two of them should hang out, 0:13:22.120 --> 0:13:24.240 so she gave Patrick Hannon's number. 0:13:25.080 --> 0:13:28.680 I got a phone call one day from Patrick saying, 0:13:29.120 --> 0:13:31.160 Trish says, you play scrabble. I said, yeah, I play 0:13:31.160 --> 0:13:34.400 scrabble and he said, okay, well I'm on the downtown mall. 0:13:34.440 --> 0:13:36.440 Why don't you bring your scrabble board and let's play. 0:13:36.480 --> 0:13:38.200 And I said, I thought you have a girlfriend, and 0:13:38.240 --> 0:13:40.280 he's like, this isn't a date. I do have a girlfriend. 0:13:40.320 --> 0:13:45.120 I want to play scrabble. And I thought, oh, okay, weird, bizarre, 0:13:45.240 --> 0:13:48.480 I'm not doing anything. So I went. We played scrabble 0:13:48.480 --> 0:13:52.440 at a coffee shop and we just started playing scrabble 0:13:52.480 --> 0:13:56.400 all the time, and he became my first male friend. 0:13:57.320 --> 0:14:01.040 Like Trish. Patrick was confident, maybe even a little cocky, 0:14:01.480 --> 0:14:02.760 but they had a real connection. 0:14:03.840 --> 0:14:08.800 He's a really smart guy, and he was an excellent critic, 0:14:09.280 --> 0:14:14.680 and his brain was razor sharp, so we had great 0:14:14.760 --> 0:14:18.840 conversations and he was so much fun. 0:14:20.320 --> 0:14:24.080 Their relationship was platonic. Even after Patrick broke up with 0:14:24.120 --> 0:14:25.400 his girlfriend. 0:14:25.560 --> 0:14:28.640 He just started dating a lot of women, and I thought, 0:14:28.640 --> 0:14:32.280 this is so wonderful. I've got a male friend who 0:14:32.800 --> 0:14:35.160 I get the male perspective from he gets the female 0:14:35.200 --> 0:14:36.040 perspective from me. 0:14:37.200 --> 0:14:39.960 But their dynamics started to shift after Patrick had a 0:14:40.040 --> 0:14:43.640 major surgery. It meant he needed to spend a lot 0:14:43.680 --> 0:14:45.040 of time resting at home. 0:14:45.640 --> 0:14:50.800 His recovery corresponded with the beginning of the grieving process 0:14:50.880 --> 0:14:56.160 because my stepfather died, and we started spending just a 0:14:56.200 --> 0:14:57.520 ton of time together. 0:14:58.440 --> 0:15:01.320 Hannah would even bring Patrick long to check on her mom, 0:15:01.640 --> 0:15:03.800 who was now living outside of Charlottesville. 0:15:04.320 --> 0:15:08.240 I took Patrick out to my mom's farmhouse one day 0:15:08.680 --> 0:15:10.920 and the three of us played scrabble, and it was 0:15:10.960 --> 0:15:13.320 like the first time I saw my mom laugh. And 0:15:13.360 --> 0:15:17.720 the two of them loved each other. They got along 0:15:17.800 --> 0:15:21.560 so well, and it got to the point where my 0:15:21.640 --> 0:15:25.320 mom would call Patrick when she'd come into town and say, 0:15:25.360 --> 0:15:27.720 I'm going to the grocery store, and Patrick would go 0:15:27.720 --> 0:15:29.560 to the grocery store with her. He would take her 0:15:29.600 --> 0:15:33.200 to bars. I mean, he was helping her find small 0:15:33.200 --> 0:15:34.160 amounts of joy. 0:15:35.240 --> 0:15:38.040 She started to see a different side of him as 0:15:38.040 --> 0:15:41.200 they grew closer. They started going out with Trish and George. 0:15:43.600 --> 0:15:48.480 The four of us had become this kind of Charlottesville unit. 0:15:50.400 --> 0:15:53.280 I would see Patrick and we'd play scrabble, and then 0:15:53.280 --> 0:15:56.720 we'd go to a bar and meet up with Trician George. 0:15:57.040 --> 0:15:59.960 The four of them were always out together, talking to 0:16:00.080 --> 0:16:02.520 strangers and laughing until the bars closed down. 0:16:03.000 --> 0:16:07.520 You feel young and invincible, and this is where stories 0:16:07.560 --> 0:16:12.560 are happening. You're interacting with people, you're overhearing strange bits 0:16:12.560 --> 0:16:14.480 of dialogue. 0:16:14.600 --> 0:16:18.400 She was finally living life, and she was channeling these 0:16:18.440 --> 0:16:20.200 experiences into her writing. 0:16:21.000 --> 0:16:23.640 I had so many ideas, and I was still getting 0:16:23.640 --> 0:16:25.880 all of my writing done, and because I was in 0:16:25.920 --> 0:16:28.800 my twenties and made of elastic, I'd wake up the 0:16:28.840 --> 0:16:31.600 next morning at seven and just start writing. 0:16:32.520 --> 0:16:36.920 She was a good writer. She regularly submitted to literary magazines, 0:16:37.400 --> 0:16:39.000 and she was getting published. 0:16:39.520 --> 0:16:43.120 It felt like this fantasy that I had was within 0:16:43.800 --> 0:16:47.000 my reach. As long as I keep trying. As long 0:16:47.040 --> 0:16:50.520 as I keep trying, I keep writing, there's a possibility 0:16:50.680 --> 0:16:52.920 that this could be my life. 0:16:52.960 --> 0:16:56.640 And Patrick actually started to write short stories of his own. 0:16:57.360 --> 0:17:00.800 He wasn't in school or in their writing program, but. 0:17:01.680 --> 0:17:05.920 Hanging out with Trish and me, fiction writers, hanging out 0:17:05.960 --> 0:17:09.080 with George, a poet, he did start writing stories. 0:17:09.840 --> 0:17:12.359 The two of them would often spend scrabble games talking 0:17:12.359 --> 0:17:16.359 about books and story ideas. Hannah also trusted Patrick to 0:17:16.400 --> 0:17:18.040 read her works in progress. 0:17:18.720 --> 0:17:21.919 He would get wistful sometimes and say, I don't know 0:17:21.960 --> 0:17:24.960 how you're like how you are. You're just so cool 0:17:25.160 --> 0:17:28.280 and you're such a good writer, and nothing seems to 0:17:28.280 --> 0:17:30.960 bother you, And of course inside I am nothing but 0:17:32.200 --> 0:17:33.399 roiling turmoil. 0:17:34.480 --> 0:17:38.720 With these kinds of comments, Hannah started to wonder was 0:17:38.800 --> 0:17:39.760 Patrick into her. 0:17:40.800 --> 0:17:43.160 It felt good to be seen, and it felt good 0:17:43.160 --> 0:17:45.919 to be perceived as attractive, and it felt good to 0:17:45.960 --> 0:17:49.840 have this attractive man perceive me as attractive, and before 0:17:49.880 --> 0:17:52.560 I knew it, I was crushing pretty hard on him. 0:17:53.520 --> 0:17:56.400 She wasn't going to make the move. She knew Patrick 0:17:56.480 --> 0:17:59.160 had other women in his life, and it was hard 0:17:59.200 --> 0:18:02.040 to tell for sure if the feelings were mutual. And 0:18:02.080 --> 0:18:03.120 then it was. 0:18:03.080 --> 0:18:05.399 One of those nights that was not uncommon for the 0:18:05.440 --> 0:18:07.800 four of us, where we had shut the bars down. 0:18:08.240 --> 0:18:10.879 We went back to his house. You know, he'd kind 0:18:10.880 --> 0:18:13.600 of been doing that thing where he was touching my 0:18:13.720 --> 0:18:17.520 elbow with his elbow and making eye contact a little 0:18:17.520 --> 0:18:21.680 too long. He's making some inside joke references about things 0:18:21.720 --> 0:18:24.879 that we'd been talking about during scrabble, and it's just 0:18:25.280 --> 0:18:30.520 incredible tension that is mounting. Then at a certain point, 0:18:30.560 --> 0:18:35.560 probably like four in the morning, George and Trish went 0:18:35.800 --> 0:18:39.000 back to their apartment and I was going to call 0:18:39.040 --> 0:18:40.440 a cab, but. 0:18:40.440 --> 0:18:44.040 She didn't call a cab. They kissed, and she spent 0:18:44.080 --> 0:18:44.400 the night. 0:18:44.960 --> 0:18:49.160 We went from being best friends to one night makeout 0:18:49.640 --> 0:18:53.840 to basically living with one another. There were so many 0:18:53.880 --> 0:18:56.600 mornings when I would wake up and I would look 0:18:56.640 --> 0:18:59.000 over and I'd see that it was Patrick in bed, 0:18:59.359 --> 0:19:01.880 and I would think, I am so lucky. I get 0:19:01.960 --> 0:19:03.680 to do this for the rest of my life. I 0:19:03.760 --> 0:19:06.480 actually like the person that I'm waking up with, And 0:19:07.119 --> 0:19:08.920 it was just it was bliss. 0:19:13.080 --> 0:19:16.920 They were in love. Still, much of the time they'd 0:19:16.920 --> 0:19:18.720 spend together was in their group. 0:19:18.760 --> 0:19:23.840 Before it was non stop double dating with Trish and George. 0:19:23.680 --> 0:19:27.920 But eventually the group's lifestyle started to catch up with Hannah. 0:19:28.480 --> 0:19:33.680 Trish and Patrick weren't just drinkers. They were late night drinkers, 0:19:33.880 --> 0:19:36.679 and so that's what I became too. For a little while. 0:19:37.760 --> 0:19:40.800 There were a lot of moments where I would reflect 0:19:40.840 --> 0:19:42.760 on what I was doing and how I was behaving, 0:19:42.840 --> 0:19:43.960 and I'd be pretty scared. 0:19:44.880 --> 0:19:47.960 She didn't like what heavy drinking did to her who 0:19:48.040 --> 0:19:51.040 it made her become, and she certainly didn't like what 0:19:51.080 --> 0:19:52.680 alcohol did to Trish. 0:19:53.359 --> 0:19:56.600 She could be pretty aggressive, she could be rude, She 0:19:56.680 --> 0:19:58.440 could piss people off in bars. 0:19:59.200 --> 0:20:01.840 When Trish got like this, it would set Patrick off. 0:20:02.640 --> 0:20:05.120 He had a bit of a temper too, so their 0:20:05.160 --> 0:20:08.200 tempers could kind of go up against one another. 0:20:08.880 --> 0:20:12.520 Knights would often end in fights, and even when they didn't, 0:20:13.200 --> 0:20:14.639 things like this would happen. 0:20:15.200 --> 0:20:17.560 The four of us were out, Tricia and I were 0:20:17.600 --> 0:20:21.200 at the bar. George and Patrick were sitting where we 0:20:21.240 --> 0:20:24.560 could see them, but it was pretty packed, and she 0:20:24.680 --> 0:20:28.480 was saying, I knew he'd come around. I knew he'd 0:20:28.520 --> 0:20:31.360 realize he loved you. I knew it. I just knew it. 0:20:35.200 --> 0:20:39.119 Trish wasn't being the supportive, encouraging friend Hannah had first met. 0:20:39.680 --> 0:20:44.200 She wanted to just remind me that he hadn't crushed 0:20:44.240 --> 0:20:46.119 on me as hard as I'd crushed on him at 0:20:46.160 --> 0:20:49.360 the beginning, and she always loved to point out that 0:20:49.440 --> 0:20:50.919 she had been friends with him first. 0:20:51.920 --> 0:20:54.520 Instead, it felt like she was going out of her 0:20:54.600 --> 0:20:56.520 way to cut Hannah down. 0:20:56.520 --> 0:21:04.679 And this drove me a little bit crazy. 0:21:14.400 --> 0:21:17.360 When Hannah started dating Patrick, her relationship with her best 0:21:17.400 --> 0:21:20.600 friend started to shift. It seemed like Trisha always had 0:21:20.600 --> 0:21:23.439 something to say, and it felt like at times she 0:21:23.560 --> 0:21:30.879 was undercutting Hannah's relationship with Patrick. After Hannah graduated, a 0:21:30.960 --> 0:21:35.280 window opened. Her mom offered Hannah and Patrick the chance 0:21:35.359 --> 0:21:38.960 to live rent free in her mother's farmhouse outside the city. 0:21:39.359 --> 0:21:42.679 We needed a new place to live, and we were broke. 0:21:42.880 --> 0:21:47.280 I was waiting tables, he was gigging and teaching music, 0:21:47.480 --> 0:21:51.120 and we were so desperate for money. I was desperate 0:21:51.119 --> 0:21:55.679 for money. So when my mom offered this free place 0:21:55.760 --> 0:22:00.920 to live, it was not lost on me that this 0:22:01.080 --> 0:22:05.440 farmhouse came with a happy coincidence of having some emotional 0:22:05.560 --> 0:22:09.760 distance from Trish and what felt to me like her 0:22:09.880 --> 0:22:15.040 constant oversight. So we had this kind of break, and 0:22:15.320 --> 0:22:17.840 I thought it was magical, just magical. 0:22:19.240 --> 0:22:22.840 Moving into the farmhouse allowed Hannah to make writing her priority. 0:22:23.440 --> 0:22:27.320 She submitted more stories for publication and even began writing 0:22:27.359 --> 0:22:32.480 her first novel. To her surprise, Patrick wanted to do 0:22:32.560 --> 0:22:32.920 the same. 0:22:33.680 --> 0:22:38.320 He started wanting to focus on writing, and some of 0:22:38.359 --> 0:22:40.560 the stories were good, and he got a lot of 0:22:40.600 --> 0:22:42.000 publications all on his own. 0:22:42.760 --> 0:22:45.400 Other times he leaned on Hannah. 0:22:45.840 --> 0:22:49.160 It felt like every time I got a story accepted, 0:22:49.840 --> 0:22:52.800 his first response would be, you should tell the editor 0:22:52.840 --> 0:22:56.879 about this story I just wrote. And every time I 0:22:56.880 --> 0:23:00.200 would email the editor and say, hey, there's this great 0:23:00.240 --> 0:23:02.800 story that I just read by a friend of mine. Right. 0:23:03.080 --> 0:23:06.040 And he got a few publications that way, but. 0:23:06.040 --> 0:23:09.960 His success was limited compared to Hannah's, and he struggled 0:23:10.000 --> 0:23:12.960 with being farther away from town. It took a toll 0:23:13.000 --> 0:23:13.600 on Patrick. 0:23:14.320 --> 0:23:17.080 Every day I'd get up, i'd write, and at three 0:23:17.320 --> 0:23:21.000 thirty I would drive into Charlottesville and start my shift 0:23:21.000 --> 0:23:25.280 at the steakhouse and he'd stay home, and that's where 0:23:25.400 --> 0:23:27.000 he started drinking during the day. 0:23:28.000 --> 0:23:31.960 Hannah's mom also noticed a change in Patrick. She once 0:23:32.040 --> 0:23:34.399 called Hannah during her workshift and. 0:23:34.359 --> 0:23:39.639 She said, I saw Patrick this morning. He was wearing 0:23:39.680 --> 0:23:42.960 a robe, and I said, well, it was morning, mom, 0:23:43.040 --> 0:23:46.359 and she said yes, And I saw him again just 0:23:46.480 --> 0:23:50.560 now and he's still wearing a robe, and it's five 0:23:50.560 --> 0:23:54.280 o'clock in the afternoon. It was a moment when I 0:23:54.320 --> 0:23:58.480 realized she could see what I could see that troubled me. 0:24:00.080 --> 0:24:03.679 Life in the farmhouse wasn't working for Patrick, Hannah was worried. 0:24:04.200 --> 0:24:08.639 She knew they needed a change. That's when her book sold. 0:24:09.600 --> 0:24:12.760 When I got that book deal, it was all of 0:24:12.800 --> 0:24:17.480 those dreams, everything I'd wanted for so long. 0:24:18.800 --> 0:24:21.720 And the good news didn't stop there. On top of 0:24:21.760 --> 0:24:24.119 the sale of her book, Hannah was offered a teaching 0:24:24.160 --> 0:24:28.159 position in Chicago. Plus Patrick was offered a spot in 0:24:28.200 --> 0:24:31.520 an MFA program in Boston. He could complete it and 0:24:31.560 --> 0:24:35.400