1 00:00:04,559 --> 00:00:07,960 Speaker 1: Hello everybody. I'm Jemma Spake and welcome back to the 2 00:00:07,960 --> 00:00:11,280 Speaker 1: Psychology of Your Twenties, the podcast where we talk through 3 00:00:11,320 --> 00:00:16,000 Speaker 1: the biggest changes, moments, and transitions of our twenties and 4 00:00:16,040 --> 00:00:25,840 Speaker 1: what they mean for our psychology. Before we get into it, 5 00:00:25,880 --> 00:00:28,080 Speaker 1: I just want to let you know that this episode 6 00:00:28,280 --> 00:00:33,480 Speaker 1: involves discussions of sexual assault, harassment, and trauma. So if 7 00:00:33,520 --> 00:00:37,040 Speaker 1: those subjects are things that you're particularly sensitive to, please 8 00:00:37,120 --> 00:00:39,600 Speaker 1: just consider whether this is the right time to be 9 00:00:39,680 --> 00:00:42,040 Speaker 1: listening to this episode, and just make sure to take 10 00:00:42,040 --> 00:00:44,879 Speaker 1: care of yourself. There will be additional resources in the 11 00:00:44,920 --> 00:00:49,200 Speaker 1: episode description. Hello everybody, Welcome back to the show. Welcome 12 00:00:49,240 --> 00:00:52,240 Speaker 1: back to the podcast, new listeners, old listeners. It's so 13 00:00:52,320 --> 00:00:54,920 Speaker 1: great to have you back today. I'm just going to 14 00:00:54,960 --> 00:00:58,840 Speaker 1: cut right to the chase. We're talking about sex. More specifically, 15 00:00:59,360 --> 00:01:01,600 Speaker 1: we're going to talk about why some of us are 16 00:01:01,640 --> 00:01:05,440 Speaker 1: just not that interested, Why there are these periods where, 17 00:01:06,120 --> 00:01:09,120 Speaker 1: you know, sex just kind of loses its appeal and like, 18 00:01:09,360 --> 00:01:13,720 Speaker 1: isn't really enjoyable. I think we've been fed this story 19 00:01:14,200 --> 00:01:22,560 Speaker 1: that your twenties are this decade of peak sexual desire, passion, magnetism, sensuality, 20 00:01:22,800 --> 00:01:27,720 Speaker 1: sexual confidence. You know, we might picture ourselves having as 21 00:01:27,800 --> 00:01:31,039 Speaker 1: much sex as possible and all the sex is good, 22 00:01:31,319 --> 00:01:34,480 Speaker 1: and you know whatever, I don't think that picture is 23 00:01:34,520 --> 00:01:38,720 Speaker 1: necessarily reality. And what if instead you feel kind of 24 00:01:38,720 --> 00:01:43,600 Speaker 1: distant from your body, unenthusiastic about sex, disconnected from your partner, 25 00:01:43,920 --> 00:01:48,280 Speaker 1: or maybe just your own sensuality. To be super candid, 26 00:01:48,960 --> 00:01:52,960 Speaker 1: and I know my parents listen to the podcast, so mom, dad, 27 00:01:53,000 --> 00:01:56,720 Speaker 1: family members, you can skip this one. But I feel 28 00:01:56,720 --> 00:01:59,120 Speaker 1: like I've been quite open about some just like random 29 00:01:59,240 --> 00:02:03,480 Speaker 1: scary stuff there's been going on this year, and my 30 00:02:03,600 --> 00:02:07,440 Speaker 1: libido has really been impacted by that. It is definitely 31 00:02:08,400 --> 00:02:10,520 Speaker 1: at an all time low. I'm also in a long 32 00:02:10,560 --> 00:02:14,400 Speaker 1: term relationship and that can be really hard to navigate 33 00:02:14,520 --> 00:02:19,040 Speaker 1: when honestly, like you just you feel you just don't 34 00:02:19,040 --> 00:02:21,880 Speaker 1: want sex, and it's not because of them at all. 35 00:02:21,960 --> 00:02:25,240 Speaker 1: It's just because your body feels so tired, You're under 36 00:02:25,240 --> 00:02:29,359 Speaker 1: so much stress, like there's so much uncertainty hormonally. All 37 00:02:29,400 --> 00:02:32,280 Speaker 1: of these things are happening behind the scenes, and it 38 00:02:32,320 --> 00:02:34,120 Speaker 1: feels kind of awkward to talk about it, and it 39 00:02:34,160 --> 00:02:37,400 Speaker 1: feels like not something that we openly discuss when it 40 00:02:37,480 --> 00:02:40,960 Speaker 1: is super super normal. So if that's you, I just 41 00:02:40,960 --> 00:02:42,400 Speaker 1: want to let you know you're not the only one. 42 00:02:42,520 --> 00:02:45,480 Speaker 1: I'm definitely in that boat right now. I know a 43 00:02:45,480 --> 00:02:49,600 Speaker 1: lot of other people in their twenties are. And you know, 44 00:02:49,600 --> 00:02:52,000 Speaker 1: I've learned from just like talking to my friends and 45 00:02:52,040 --> 00:02:54,440 Speaker 1: people I know about this, that like, it's so much 46 00:02:54,440 --> 00:02:57,720 Speaker 1: more common than you think to just like sometimes just 47 00:02:57,760 --> 00:02:59,880 Speaker 1: lose a lot of interest and just to have a 48 00:02:59,880 --> 00:03:04,480 Speaker 1: libido and just to be adjusting to your sexuality and 49 00:03:04,480 --> 00:03:07,400 Speaker 1: your sensuality and like a new decade and a new 50 00:03:07,400 --> 00:03:10,639 Speaker 1: period of your life with sex. You know, it's so easy, 51 00:03:10,680 --> 00:03:13,240 Speaker 1: it would be, so it's so easy to assume that 52 00:03:14,040 --> 00:03:18,560 Speaker 1: everyone else is having more sex and better sex than 53 00:03:18,600 --> 00:03:21,440 Speaker 1: you are. And I think shame just acts as a 54 00:03:21,440 --> 00:03:25,120 Speaker 1: barrier for any meaningful conversation around this and for any 55 00:03:25,200 --> 00:03:27,640 Speaker 1: kind of hope for understanding ourselves a little bit better. 56 00:03:28,080 --> 00:03:31,960 Speaker 1: So we're just gonna deal away without today and talk 57 00:03:32,000 --> 00:03:36,440 Speaker 1: about it openly, talk about why sometimes our labida fluctuates, 58 00:03:37,200 --> 00:03:39,840 Speaker 1: why it's really common in your twenties, what might be 59 00:03:39,880 --> 00:03:42,840 Speaker 1: happening behind the scenes in your brain with your hormones, 60 00:03:43,440 --> 00:03:45,960 Speaker 1: and maybe some of the broader ways that you can 61 00:03:46,040 --> 00:03:48,960 Speaker 1: kind of get back to this feeling of pleasure and 62 00:03:49,000 --> 00:03:53,120 Speaker 1: this feeling of connection with another person or with yourself. 63 00:03:53,280 --> 00:03:56,080 Speaker 1: So I'm super excited to jump into this topic today. 64 00:03:56,120 --> 00:04:00,640 Speaker 1: I hope you are too. Without further ado, talk about 65 00:04:00,680 --> 00:04:04,200 Speaker 1: sex and why you might not want any right now, 66 00:04:04,760 --> 00:04:12,200 Speaker 1: stay with us. I think we tend to think that 67 00:04:12,320 --> 00:04:15,640 Speaker 1: some people just like sex more than others. But really, 68 00:04:15,680 --> 00:04:19,680 Speaker 1: unless you're someone who is asexual and experiences no or 69 00:04:19,880 --> 00:04:24,000 Speaker 1: very limited sexual attraction, most of us our desires change 70 00:04:24,000 --> 00:04:28,680 Speaker 1: over time quite intensely, depending on our season of life. 71 00:04:29,160 --> 00:04:32,560 Speaker 1: Our libida is not this static concept that is one 72 00:04:32,600 --> 00:04:35,960 Speaker 1: way or the other way. It's incredibly dynamic. It's something 73 00:04:36,000 --> 00:04:38,720 Speaker 1: that evolves depending on what's going on for you mentally 74 00:04:38,839 --> 00:04:42,120 Speaker 1: and environmentally. Sometimes even by the second, it can be 75 00:04:42,160 --> 00:04:45,560 Speaker 1: really high and then really low. Now, a low libida 76 00:04:45,600 --> 00:04:49,719 Speaker 1: doesn't necessarily mean the absence of wanting sex. Sometimes it 77 00:04:49,839 --> 00:04:57,000 Speaker 1: just feels more like an underlying just not discomfort, but 78 00:04:57,080 --> 00:05:00,720 Speaker 1: just apathy. You know, you make care about your partner, 79 00:05:01,200 --> 00:05:03,640 Speaker 1: Love your partner, I think they're really hot, I think 80 00:05:03,680 --> 00:05:07,360 Speaker 1: they're amazing, want their affection, want the emotional bond. But 81 00:05:07,800 --> 00:05:11,240 Speaker 1: when like that moment arrives, you just can't get into it. 82 00:05:11,920 --> 00:05:14,640 Speaker 1: How I've described it in the past is like when 83 00:05:14,760 --> 00:05:18,640 Speaker 1: someone offers you something that you think will be really yummy, 84 00:05:18,640 --> 00:05:21,720 Speaker 1: that it could be literally your favorite food, but you're 85 00:05:21,800 --> 00:05:24,800 Speaker 1: kind of full anyways. You just you could take it 86 00:05:24,880 --> 00:05:27,560 Speaker 1: or leave it. You're just not really like, you're not hungry, 87 00:05:27,640 --> 00:05:30,279 Speaker 1: you don't really want it. It's still your favorite food, 88 00:05:30,800 --> 00:05:32,719 Speaker 1: but you know you want to enjoy it. You know 89 00:05:32,760 --> 00:05:34,720 Speaker 1: you want to enjoy it just based on how you're feeling, 90 00:05:35,360 --> 00:05:38,400 Speaker 1: so you leave it. It's actually totally normal to go 91 00:05:38,480 --> 00:05:41,920 Speaker 1: through periods like this, But what makes this experience pretty 92 00:05:41,960 --> 00:05:45,560 Speaker 1: difficult is not the fluctuation itself, it's the meaningly attached 93 00:05:45,560 --> 00:05:49,359 Speaker 1: to it. I came across the survey done in twenty 94 00:05:49,400 --> 00:05:53,800 Speaker 1: twenty one by researchers at the Kinsey Institute at Indiana University. 95 00:05:54,200 --> 00:05:57,680 Speaker 1: They specialize in research on sex, on relationships, on well being, 96 00:05:58,200 --> 00:06:01,200 Speaker 1: and they teamed up with the se x retailer love 97 00:06:01,279 --> 00:06:05,679 Speaker 1: Honey to conduct a survey amongst married adults aged eighteen 98 00:06:05,720 --> 00:06:08,280 Speaker 1: to forty five. And what they really wanted to know 99 00:06:08,520 --> 00:06:13,120 Speaker 1: was like these participants' perspectives on sexual desire. What they 100 00:06:13,200 --> 00:06:16,760 Speaker 1: found was that eleven percent of people who were born 101 00:06:16,839 --> 00:06:20,320 Speaker 1: after nineteen ninety seven and who were also married reported 102 00:06:20,680 --> 00:06:23,560 Speaker 1: problems with sexual desire that they were lacking it in 103 00:06:23,600 --> 00:06:27,400 Speaker 1: the past year, and this increased to over twenty five 104 00:06:27,440 --> 00:06:31,400 Speaker 1: percent for people who were between the ages of I 105 00:06:31,400 --> 00:06:35,680 Speaker 1: think it was like twenty seven and like forty one. 106 00:06:36,600 --> 00:06:39,080 Speaker 1: A lot of people are having this problem. A further 107 00:06:39,120 --> 00:06:43,200 Speaker 1: study that was conducted in France in twenty ten looked 108 00:06:43,240 --> 00:06:46,400 Speaker 1: at a random sample of over twenty three hundred respondents 109 00:06:46,440 --> 00:06:49,479 Speaker 1: aged fifteen to twenty four, and what the results showed 110 00:06:49,560 --> 00:06:53,760 Speaker 1: was that a lack of sexual desire were really, really 111 00:06:53,760 --> 00:06:57,960 Speaker 1: commonly cited problems, especially amongst women. Twenty four percent of 112 00:06:58,000 --> 00:07:03,880 Speaker 1: these women aged fifteen twenty four reported experiencing a lack 113 00:07:03,920 --> 00:07:07,960 Speaker 1: of sexual desire either sometimes or often, compared to only 114 00:07:08,000 --> 00:07:11,240 Speaker 1: ten percent of male respondents. And that doesn't even account 115 00:07:11,280 --> 00:07:13,800 Speaker 1: for the people who don't report it because they feel 116 00:07:13,800 --> 00:07:17,080 Speaker 1: weird about it. Again, what makes us ten times harder 117 00:07:17,280 --> 00:07:20,200 Speaker 1: is the expectation we have about sex because of the 118 00:07:20,280 --> 00:07:23,920 Speaker 1: narratives we've been told by society, especially when we're not 119 00:07:23,920 --> 00:07:27,160 Speaker 1: feeling this spark, you know, we do assume everybody's having 120 00:07:27,200 --> 00:07:31,760 Speaker 1: more sex than us. The thing is that's actually not 121 00:07:31,920 --> 00:07:35,600 Speaker 1: the case. That's really, like, it definitely isn't the case. 122 00:07:35,680 --> 00:07:38,440 Speaker 1: Especially if you're in your twenties. Like, most people aren't 123 00:07:38,480 --> 00:07:41,520 Speaker 1: having great sex, and they aren't having the best sex 124 00:07:41,520 --> 00:07:44,800 Speaker 1: of their lives. This is not even close to like 125 00:07:45,440 --> 00:07:49,480 Speaker 1: your peak of sexual desire or sexual maturity. Yet a 126 00:07:49,520 --> 00:07:53,720 Speaker 1: lot of research points to men in particular their sexual 127 00:07:53,760 --> 00:07:58,480 Speaker 1: desire peaking around the mid twenties. For women, a really 128 00:07:58,480 --> 00:08:02,960 Speaker 1: different picture. Twenty ten study published in the journal Personality 129 00:08:02,960 --> 00:08:08,040 Speaker 1: and Individual Differences found that women's sexual desire actually peaks 130 00:08:08,520 --> 00:08:12,600 Speaker 1: between thirty to forty five. And obviously that's a pretty 131 00:08:12,680 --> 00:08:17,400 Speaker 1: large age group, but almost the majority of people in 132 00:08:17,400 --> 00:08:22,480 Speaker 1: that age bracket reported significantly higher desire levels compared to 133 00:08:22,520 --> 00:08:27,720 Speaker 1: the younger women aged eighteen to twenty seven. We absolutely 134 00:08:27,800 --> 00:08:30,080 Speaker 1: need to get rid of this narrative that your twenties 135 00:08:30,840 --> 00:08:34,560 Speaker 1: are the best, the best in anything, really but like sex, 136 00:08:35,040 --> 00:08:38,080 Speaker 1: especially for this episode. It's just not true. Like, it's 137 00:08:38,160 --> 00:08:43,400 Speaker 1: just not true. And how we understand desire, it's just 138 00:08:43,440 --> 00:08:47,239 Speaker 1: way more complex than that. Your libido isn't just influenced 139 00:08:47,240 --> 00:08:49,920 Speaker 1: by what you think you should be feeling and your 140 00:08:50,040 --> 00:08:53,680 Speaker 1: desire for desire. It's influenced by things that go way 141 00:08:53,679 --> 00:08:57,679 Speaker 1: beyond your control and that actually end up stabilizing and 142 00:08:57,800 --> 00:09:01,040 Speaker 1: changing the older you get. There's so many emotional fluctuations 143 00:09:01,080 --> 00:09:04,040 Speaker 1: going on in your twenties, no matter how together you 144 00:09:04,120 --> 00:09:07,040 Speaker 1: feel about it, that kind of mellow out the older 145 00:09:07,080 --> 00:09:09,520 Speaker 1: you get. And because of that, like you really are 146 00:09:09,559 --> 00:09:13,880 Speaker 1: a given more mental space to focus on sensuality and 147 00:09:13,920 --> 00:09:17,960 Speaker 1: to focus on how you feel in your body. So 148 00:09:18,120 --> 00:09:21,319 Speaker 1: let's talk about what influences libido. Let's talk about what 149 00:09:21,440 --> 00:09:24,640 Speaker 1: might be making you not enjoy sex as much, not 150 00:09:24,720 --> 00:09:27,680 Speaker 1: really want it. When we think about this, I feel like, 151 00:09:27,800 --> 00:09:30,000 Speaker 1: what's the first thing that you're gonna think I'm gonna 152 00:09:30,040 --> 00:09:33,600 Speaker 1: speak about? You're probably right, hormones. Hormones are the things 153 00:09:33,600 --> 00:09:36,600 Speaker 1: that a lot of people blame. And hormones do play 154 00:09:36,600 --> 00:09:39,800 Speaker 1: a role, but not in like a mechanical, like one 155 00:09:39,840 --> 00:09:45,040 Speaker 1: dimensional way. They actually don't cause desire. Like your hormones 156 00:09:45,679 --> 00:09:48,440 Speaker 1: aren't what determines whether you feel sexy or not. They're 157 00:09:48,480 --> 00:09:54,080 Speaker 1: just the messengers. Desire is first and foremost mental, and 158 00:09:54,120 --> 00:09:58,400 Speaker 1: then your hormones carry signals from your brain and then 159 00:09:58,400 --> 00:10:00,680 Speaker 1: also from your life, from your emotions and your environment 160 00:10:01,080 --> 00:10:04,040 Speaker 1: that influence how this feels in the body. Now, of course, 161 00:10:04,040 --> 00:10:06,840 Speaker 1: if something's off balance there, if something isn't working the 162 00:10:06,880 --> 00:10:09,600 Speaker 1: way that it should. It just basically means that all 163 00:10:09,679 --> 00:10:14,240 Speaker 1: the roads that carry these messages and the roots throughout 164 00:10:14,280 --> 00:10:17,959 Speaker 1: your body that allow you to feel good and sexy 165 00:10:18,000 --> 00:10:21,480 Speaker 1: and turned on like they're clogged with traffic that is 166 00:10:21,520 --> 00:10:26,160 Speaker 1: not working. And so it means that there's just no communication. 167 00:10:26,760 --> 00:10:30,199 Speaker 1: Even if you feel desire, sometimes it doesn't happen in 168 00:10:30,240 --> 00:10:32,800 Speaker 1: your body. Maybe your body feels desire, it doesn't happen 169 00:10:32,840 --> 00:10:36,120 Speaker 1: in your mind. We have to also talk about birth control. 170 00:10:36,160 --> 00:10:39,480 Speaker 1: This enters the picture in a really interesting way. Many 171 00:10:39,760 --> 00:10:44,920 Speaker 1: hormonal contraceptives actually work by changing the communication between the 172 00:10:45,000 --> 00:10:50,319 Speaker 1: brain and the ovaries. Essentially, they quieten the hormonal cycle 173 00:10:50,880 --> 00:10:54,120 Speaker 1: that would otherwise kind of ebb and flow throughout the month. 174 00:10:54,720 --> 00:10:57,719 Speaker 1: And for some people this creates kind of like an 175 00:10:57,720 --> 00:11:02,200 Speaker 1: emotional and physiological steadiness. They might feel more regulated, more settled, 176 00:11:02,559 --> 00:11:06,800 Speaker 1: less overwhelmed. But for others, that same steadiness can feel 177 00:11:06,800 --> 00:11:09,680 Speaker 1: more like a dampening not just of your mood or 178 00:11:09,720 --> 00:11:13,400 Speaker 1: your hormones, but of like the spark inside your body 179 00:11:13,400 --> 00:11:18,200 Speaker 1: that kind of feeds desire. The interesting thing is hormone 180 00:11:18,240 --> 00:11:23,120 Speaker 1: or birth control can lower circulating testosterone in the body, 181 00:11:23,559 --> 00:11:26,600 Speaker 1: which is, as we know, a hormone involved in sexual motivation, 182 00:11:26,800 --> 00:11:29,360 Speaker 1: not just if you're a guy, like for women as well. 183 00:11:29,520 --> 00:11:32,760 Speaker 1: Testosterone is really really important and this may make it 184 00:11:32,800 --> 00:11:35,400 Speaker 1: harder to feel in the mood, especially if you've just 185 00:11:35,480 --> 00:11:38,160 Speaker 1: gone on birth control, Like it's a big adjustment. Your 186 00:11:38,200 --> 00:11:40,040 Speaker 1: body's like trying to figure out this new body in 187 00:11:40,040 --> 00:11:44,600 Speaker 1: this new mind. Some people actually report feeling more desire 188 00:11:44,640 --> 00:11:47,600 Speaker 1: once they're on birth control because they actually feel safer, 189 00:11:47,720 --> 00:11:50,960 Speaker 1: like they no longer fear pregnancy, they experience less pain, 190 00:11:51,440 --> 00:11:56,800 Speaker 1: their cycle becomes less emotionally destabilizing, their nervous system has 191 00:11:56,840 --> 00:11:59,640 Speaker 1: space to relax. So it can be really different for 192 00:11:59,679 --> 00:12:02,640 Speaker 1: every the same way that hormones and sex can be 193 00:12:02,679 --> 00:12:05,480 Speaker 1: different for everybody. Now, this of course, goes much deeper 194 00:12:05,520 --> 00:12:09,600 Speaker 1: than just biological reactions. Something I like always say is 195 00:12:09,640 --> 00:12:13,080 Speaker 1: like sex is mental, not just physical. It's a lot 196 00:12:13,120 --> 00:12:16,439 Speaker 1: more mental than physical, at least for me. And if 197 00:12:16,480 --> 00:12:20,080 Speaker 1: there is something emotional or stressful that keeps putting the 198 00:12:20,160 --> 00:12:24,640 Speaker 1: brakes on desire, hormones are not like your libido is 199 00:12:24,679 --> 00:12:28,720 Speaker 1: going to be low. One of the most helpful frameworks 200 00:12:28,760 --> 00:12:32,480 Speaker 1: we have to explain this comes from the dual control 201 00:12:32,600 --> 00:12:36,599 Speaker 1: theory of sexual response. This was developed again by researchers 202 00:12:36,600 --> 00:12:39,400 Speaker 1: at the Kinsey Institute that I mentioned earlier, and what 203 00:12:39,480 --> 00:12:44,120 Speaker 1: this model explains is that our sexual responses are a 204 00:12:44,160 --> 00:12:51,280 Speaker 1: product between this balance of excidery and inhibitory processes. This 205 00:12:51,600 --> 00:12:55,440 Speaker 1: excitatory system puts the foot on the accelerator. It's like, 206 00:12:55,640 --> 00:13:01,200 Speaker 1: let's freaking go. It notices attraction, it notices touch, fantasy, 207 00:13:01,280 --> 00:13:06,679 Speaker 1: emotional closeness, warmth, arousal. The other system, the inhibitory system, 208 00:13:07,360 --> 00:13:09,960 Speaker 1: is like putting your foot on the break. This is 209 00:13:10,040 --> 00:13:16,600 Speaker 1: the part that responds to things like stress, anxiety, distraction, work, sucking, 210 00:13:16,720 --> 00:13:20,640 Speaker 1: having that friendship fight, feeling like your life is chaotic. 211 00:13:21,360 --> 00:13:26,120 Speaker 1: And it's again the system that turns desire off. And 212 00:13:26,160 --> 00:13:29,560 Speaker 1: what these researchers explain is that most of the time 213 00:13:29,920 --> 00:13:34,640 Speaker 1: lowless desire lolabido. It's not that the accelerator isn't working. 214 00:13:34,720 --> 00:13:37,360 Speaker 1: It's not that you're not turned on or don't want sex. 215 00:13:38,200 --> 00:13:40,960 Speaker 1: It's because the break is being pressed too hard. Let's 216 00:13:41,000 --> 00:13:44,240 Speaker 1: explore the seria a little bit more after this short break, 217 00:13:49,559 --> 00:13:51,960 Speaker 1: so you can care about someone really, really deeply, be 218 00:13:52,080 --> 00:13:56,400 Speaker 1: like super attracted to them, like really into them, and 219 00:13:56,520 --> 00:13:59,680 Speaker 1: still not feel sexual desire and the flame of that 220 00:13:59,720 --> 00:14:03,360 Speaker 1: desire is being smothered, not by your lack of desire, 221 00:14:03,679 --> 00:14:06,040 Speaker 1: that's not the thing. It's being smothered by wider factors 222 00:14:06,040 --> 00:14:09,679 Speaker 1: in your life, our libido. How I heard someone put 223 00:14:09,720 --> 00:14:12,720 Speaker 1: it is that it's basically a reflection of how safe 224 00:14:12,760 --> 00:14:16,880 Speaker 1: we feel in a particular moment. Your ability to feel 225 00:14:17,240 --> 00:14:20,880 Speaker 1: turned on, to connect, to open up. It depends on 226 00:14:20,920 --> 00:14:24,440 Speaker 1: whether your nervous system feels calm enough to let you. 227 00:14:25,360 --> 00:14:28,800 Speaker 1: Our nervous systems have one role, which is to keep 228 00:14:29,040 --> 00:14:33,920 Speaker 1: us alive. Is constantly scanning your environment and your internal 229 00:14:33,960 --> 00:14:37,360 Speaker 1: world as well for signs of threat or signs of safety, 230 00:14:37,800 --> 00:14:41,359 Speaker 1: and when it detects threat, whether that's physical or emotional, 231 00:14:41,920 --> 00:14:48,800 Speaker 1: it redirects energy away from pleasure and curiosity and towards 232 00:14:49,520 --> 00:14:54,480 Speaker 1: protection and survival. When your nervous system is living in 233 00:14:54,520 --> 00:14:57,960 Speaker 1: this state of vigilance, of course, it's going to suppress 234 00:14:57,960 --> 00:15:02,040 Speaker 1: your sexual desire. It's not necessarily necessary for your survival, 235 00:15:02,080 --> 00:15:06,280 Speaker 1: like it doesn't need that, and that is why when 236 00:15:06,440 --> 00:15:11,120 Speaker 1: cortisol is high, when stress is high, regardless of your age, 237 00:15:11,240 --> 00:15:18,040 Speaker 1: relationship status, anything, your ability to feel arousal plummets. What 238 00:15:18,080 --> 00:15:22,040 Speaker 1: this really shows is that the body's stress response and 239 00:15:22,120 --> 00:15:25,800 Speaker 1: the body's capacity for desire are two ends of the 240 00:15:25,800 --> 00:15:30,760 Speaker 1: same spectrum. One cannot be fully on whilst the other 241 00:15:31,000 --> 00:15:35,080 Speaker 1: is activated. They both take up too much energy. I 242 00:15:35,120 --> 00:15:37,520 Speaker 1: think it's also really crucial to mention that it's not 243 00:15:37,560 --> 00:15:42,000 Speaker 1: just current stress. The role of trauma here is like 244 00:15:42,840 --> 00:15:46,080 Speaker 1: a whole episode, multiple episodes, a whole series in itself. 245 00:15:46,480 --> 00:15:49,880 Speaker 1: The impact that has on sexual desire is so significant. 246 00:15:50,480 --> 00:15:52,600 Speaker 1: If you've read The Body Keeps the Score, or if 247 00:15:52,600 --> 00:15:54,720 Speaker 1: you've listened to the episode on trauma that we did 248 00:15:54,720 --> 00:15:57,680 Speaker 1: on that a few months back, you'll know that trauma 249 00:15:57,880 --> 00:16:01,440 Speaker 1: pretty much rewires how safety is recognized by your body. 250 00:16:02,040 --> 00:16:07,320 Speaker 1: So when the possibility of intimacy appears, when someone moves closer, 251 00:16:07,640 --> 00:16:09,840 Speaker 1: like wants to make out with you, it kisses you 252 00:16:09,920 --> 00:16:11,640 Speaker 1: on the neck, looks at you in a certain way, 253 00:16:12,280 --> 00:16:14,920 Speaker 1: your body might tense up in a way that says, 254 00:16:16,040 --> 00:16:19,960 Speaker 1: the last time this happened, it felt overwhelming and it 255 00:16:20,000 --> 00:16:24,000 Speaker 1: felt dangerous. So we have to either leave or shut 256 00:16:24,000 --> 00:16:28,440 Speaker 1: this down. And this happens, especially if closeness intimacy was 257 00:16:28,480 --> 00:16:34,920 Speaker 1: once linked with confusion, pressure, shame, pain, emotional and predictability. 258 00:16:35,000 --> 00:16:38,160 Speaker 1: Even if there was no explicit harm, the body has 259 00:16:38,240 --> 00:16:42,720 Speaker 1: learnt that being fully open to intimacy comes with risk, 260 00:16:43,400 --> 00:16:46,200 Speaker 1: and so that break, that break we were talking about, 261 00:16:46,320 --> 00:16:50,560 Speaker 1: is being firmly pressed, not as rejection of your partner, 262 00:16:51,040 --> 00:16:55,040 Speaker 1: but from a place of survival. You know, that's just 263 00:16:55,080 --> 00:16:58,240 Speaker 1: such a hard thing to endure, and it's so difficult 264 00:16:58,320 --> 00:17:01,760 Speaker 1: to feel like that's just how you can aview sex 265 00:17:01,760 --> 00:17:05,679 Speaker 1: from now on, and I promise that it's not. You know, 266 00:17:05,760 --> 00:17:10,000 Speaker 1: when you find yourself struggling with libido, your desire is 267 00:17:10,040 --> 00:17:14,000 Speaker 1: still there. It's just that your nervous system hasn't been 268 00:17:14,080 --> 00:17:19,159 Speaker 1: given permission to relax. Stress and trauma. One side of 269 00:17:19,200 --> 00:17:23,840 Speaker 1: the inhibitory system we're speaking about so is self criticism, 270 00:17:23,960 --> 00:17:26,320 Speaker 1: and it kind of compounds the effects of these two 271 00:17:26,320 --> 00:17:30,280 Speaker 1: things even more. Like when you feel like you should 272 00:17:30,359 --> 00:17:33,440 Speaker 1: be aroused, you should be turned on, and something's wrong 273 00:17:33,480 --> 00:17:35,960 Speaker 1: with you because you're not, it makes it all the 274 00:17:36,000 --> 00:17:38,679 Speaker 1: more harder. Right, Sorry for the put I know, but 275 00:17:39,160 --> 00:17:42,600 Speaker 1: it does make it harder. There's solid neuroscientific evidence to 276 00:17:42,600 --> 00:17:46,959 Speaker 1: help us understand why this is. Basically, shame activates a 277 00:17:47,000 --> 00:17:50,480 Speaker 1: lot of the same brain regions that respond to physical pain, 278 00:17:50,880 --> 00:17:55,639 Speaker 1: including the anterior singular cortex, which is involved with detecting exclusion, 279 00:17:55,880 --> 00:17:59,800 Speaker 1: social threat vulnerability. This is often why the harder we 280 00:17:59,800 --> 00:18:03,679 Speaker 1: try to force libido to return, the more difficult it 281 00:18:03,800 --> 00:18:07,600 Speaker 1: is to access it, because you genuinely feel a level 282 00:18:07,600 --> 00:18:10,800 Speaker 1: of emotional pain by the fact that you weren't able 283 00:18:10,840 --> 00:18:14,320 Speaker 1: to do it in the first place. That shame impacts 284 00:18:14,359 --> 00:18:19,480 Speaker 1: us all so heavily culturally, socially, relationally. It's been inherited 285 00:18:19,840 --> 00:18:24,560 Speaker 1: again from this system that didn't talk about sex, that 286 00:18:24,680 --> 00:18:26,959 Speaker 1: then when we did start talking about sex, made us 287 00:18:26,960 --> 00:18:31,040 Speaker 1: feel bad about it. And that makes sex so silent 288 00:18:31,520 --> 00:18:33,679 Speaker 1: that we just don't know how to be better at it, 289 00:18:34,040 --> 00:18:36,080 Speaker 1: don't know how to talk about it, don't know how 290 00:18:36,119 --> 00:18:38,080 Speaker 1: to do it in any way that isn't a performance 291 00:18:38,080 --> 00:18:41,960 Speaker 1: for somebody else, don't know how to have conversations about 292 00:18:42,240 --> 00:18:45,040 Speaker 1: ebbs and flows, about what a healthy sex life is. 293 00:18:45,800 --> 00:18:48,880 Speaker 1: And you know what's so interesting is that, like, yes, 294 00:18:48,960 --> 00:18:52,200 Speaker 1: we can talk about hormones, Yes we can talk about 295 00:18:52,320 --> 00:18:54,480 Speaker 1: both control, and we can talk about stress, and we 296 00:18:54,520 --> 00:18:58,119 Speaker 1: can talk about all of these things, but like sex 297 00:18:58,200 --> 00:19:04,560 Speaker 1: really thrives with honestly, and it thrives with presence and 298 00:19:04,640 --> 00:19:08,120 Speaker 1: vulnerability and like complete trust, and the way that we've 299 00:19:08,119 --> 00:19:10,159 Speaker 1: talked about it for so many years means that like 300 00:19:10,960 --> 00:19:16,439 Speaker 1: those things are rarely present, so like any shame you 301 00:19:16,640 --> 00:19:21,800 Speaker 1: feel is not your shame, it's society shame for never 302 00:19:21,880 --> 00:19:24,960 Speaker 1: really allowing you to talk about it, for like shaming when, 303 00:19:25,119 --> 00:19:27,840 Speaker 1: shaming you when you do, and shaming you when you don't, 304 00:19:27,960 --> 00:19:33,399 Speaker 1: and you you know, feel like sexually suppressed or repressed 305 00:19:33,960 --> 00:19:36,640 Speaker 1: because of it. One final thing we need to talk 306 00:19:36,640 --> 00:19:39,520 Speaker 1: about that maybe an explanation for why you know you're 307 00:19:39,560 --> 00:19:42,040 Speaker 1: struggling with libida right now, why you don't really enjoy 308 00:19:42,080 --> 00:19:44,800 Speaker 1: sex don't want to have sex, is of course mental health. 309 00:19:44,840 --> 00:19:46,600 Speaker 1: I feel like I should have talked about this earlier, 310 00:19:46,600 --> 00:19:50,680 Speaker 1: but better late than ever, speaking of presence, speaking of 311 00:19:51,200 --> 00:19:55,320 Speaker 1: nervous system regulation, like as well, if you're struggling with 312 00:19:55,359 --> 00:20:00,040 Speaker 1: anxiety or with depression, like those mental states are so 313 00:20:00,080 --> 00:20:04,119 Speaker 1: big and heavy and loud. It's so hard to be 314 00:20:04,280 --> 00:20:06,480 Speaker 1: in the part of your brain where you can just 315 00:20:06,520 --> 00:20:12,200 Speaker 1: be like still and intimate and with somebody else. Anxiety 316 00:20:12,320 --> 00:20:17,000 Speaker 1: like makes you so hyper aware. Depression just like dulls 317 00:20:17,040 --> 00:20:22,960 Speaker 1: all sensation. It dims all potential anticipation. And this is 318 00:20:23,000 --> 00:20:25,800 Speaker 1: also related to to dopamine, right, Like, especially if you 319 00:20:25,840 --> 00:20:29,160 Speaker 1: have depression, there is a reduction of dopamine than you're 320 00:20:29,400 --> 00:20:33,080 Speaker 1: transmitter responsible not just for happiness but motivation and arouse 321 00:20:33,160 --> 00:20:36,800 Speaker 1: or like in your brain. The thing is, when we're 322 00:20:36,800 --> 00:20:40,120 Speaker 1: struggling with mental health, it's like this double barrel if 323 00:20:40,200 --> 00:20:43,960 Speaker 1: like everything feels harder and more numb and more difficult. 324 00:20:45,000 --> 00:20:46,920 Speaker 1: Sex is also being killed by this, and I can't 325 00:20:46,920 --> 00:20:48,879 Speaker 1: talk about it. And then you may try and like 326 00:20:49,000 --> 00:20:52,600 Speaker 1: help yourself and go on medication, and the side effects 327 00:20:52,640 --> 00:20:56,520 Speaker 1: of that can be brutal. Again, let's be really candid. 328 00:20:56,800 --> 00:21:01,199 Speaker 1: When I went on lexipro, I did, I hadn't. I 329 00:21:01,240 --> 00:21:04,240 Speaker 1: had nothing, like, I didn't know, I had no desire 330 00:21:05,000 --> 00:21:08,840 Speaker 1: for months. I will say it was worth it for sure, 331 00:21:08,840 --> 00:21:10,639 Speaker 1: one hundred percent. It was totally worth it for me. 332 00:21:11,200 --> 00:21:16,880 Speaker 1: But everything just felt more muted, and it just made 333 00:21:16,920 --> 00:21:20,720 Speaker 1: it really hard to connect like what was happening physically 334 00:21:21,240 --> 00:21:25,520 Speaker 1: with an emotional and like a cognitive reaction. And again 335 00:21:25,640 --> 00:21:27,119 Speaker 1: for somebody, and I think this is the case with 336 00:21:27,160 --> 00:21:30,280 Speaker 1: a lot of women. Sex is mental, not physical. Sex 337 00:21:30,359 --> 00:21:34,439 Speaker 1: is cognitive not physical. Not having that like element of 338 00:21:34,640 --> 00:21:39,920 Speaker 1: presence and like heightened emotional sensation like made it really difficult. 339 00:21:39,960 --> 00:21:42,320 Speaker 1: It was just like a new thing to adapt to. 340 00:21:42,359 --> 00:21:46,320 Speaker 1: And it's gotten so much better now, well not that 341 00:21:46,400 --> 00:21:49,240 Speaker 1: with this dip, but like the lexipro doesn't really impact 342 00:21:49,280 --> 00:21:52,280 Speaker 1: me as much, So like it's totally worth it if 343 00:21:52,280 --> 00:21:54,840 Speaker 1: you are. It's just worth having your conversation with somebody 344 00:21:54,840 --> 00:21:57,119 Speaker 1: and being like, hey, like we're going to need to 345 00:21:57,160 --> 00:21:59,840 Speaker 1: be more deliberate here, or we're going to need to 346 00:21:59,840 --> 00:22:02,080 Speaker 1: have more open conversations about this, or just do this 347 00:22:02,119 --> 00:22:04,640 Speaker 1: a little bit less because I want to take care 348 00:22:04,680 --> 00:22:08,199 Speaker 1: of myself mentally, and that means a couple of sacrifices 349 00:22:08,200 --> 00:22:09,919 Speaker 1: here and there. This might be one of them. The 350 00:22:10,000 --> 00:22:14,040 Speaker 1: thing is, like all of this is just so intricately layered. 351 00:22:14,520 --> 00:22:17,720 Speaker 1: You might not be able to pinpoint exactly one thing 352 00:22:17,760 --> 00:22:22,399 Speaker 1: that is killing your libido right now, but we can 353 00:22:22,520 --> 00:22:25,400 Speaker 1: kind of talk about how to, i don't know, meet 354 00:22:25,400 --> 00:22:29,000 Speaker 1: yourself where you're at without forcing it, or without pushing 355 00:22:29,520 --> 00:22:33,800 Speaker 1: past trauma, or without you know, turning intimacy with somebody 356 00:22:34,359 --> 00:22:38,200 Speaker 1: into a project. Now, obviously I'm not a sex therapist, 357 00:22:38,200 --> 00:22:40,480 Speaker 1: and I don't want to go too much into my 358 00:22:40,520 --> 00:22:43,199 Speaker 1: own experiences because they're not just mine, like they involve 359 00:22:43,240 --> 00:22:45,439 Speaker 1: other people. But I do want to give you a 360 00:22:45,440 --> 00:22:47,920 Speaker 1: bit of a run through of things that people recommend 361 00:22:48,080 --> 00:22:50,800 Speaker 1: that I've read that are amazing things that touch on 362 00:22:50,880 --> 00:22:54,800 Speaker 1: deeper psychology that maybe might be a good start point 363 00:22:54,800 --> 00:22:57,760 Speaker 1: for you. I think, instead of trying to push down 364 00:22:58,280 --> 00:23:04,480 Speaker 1: on that accelerator right, the first step is often slowing 365 00:23:04,520 --> 00:23:07,960 Speaker 1: down naturally so that your nervous system doesn't feel like 366 00:23:07,960 --> 00:23:11,480 Speaker 1: it needs to put the brakes on for you. Most 367 00:23:11,520 --> 00:23:14,080 Speaker 1: of us move through the world at a pace that 368 00:23:14,119 --> 00:23:18,439 Speaker 1: our nervous system like was not built for. Our current 369 00:23:18,560 --> 00:23:26,120 Speaker 1: environments are like information and stimulation overload, constant input, constant thinking, 370 00:23:26,320 --> 00:23:32,240 Speaker 1: constant brain work. It's overwhelming. Accessing pleasure asks you to 371 00:23:32,240 --> 00:23:35,560 Speaker 1: do the opposite of all that, literally just give yourself 372 00:23:35,600 --> 00:23:38,680 Speaker 1: more time to live out your day and to be present. 373 00:23:39,680 --> 00:23:42,399 Speaker 1: This can feel really weird and unfamiliar, but if you 374 00:23:42,480 --> 00:23:46,120 Speaker 1: spend a long time in final flight in survival mode, 375 00:23:46,200 --> 00:23:49,399 Speaker 1: just like in a state of stress and arousal, because 376 00:23:49,640 --> 00:23:53,320 Speaker 1: life is so busy for you, just giving yourself time 377 00:23:53,400 --> 00:23:59,240 Speaker 1: to just move slower, inhabit your body, reconnect with just 378 00:23:59,280 --> 00:24:02,560 Speaker 1: like the natural flow of things like it's not sexual 379 00:24:02,960 --> 00:24:06,359 Speaker 1: at all, but it's really really intimate. This other thing 380 00:24:06,359 --> 00:24:11,400 Speaker 1: I saw recommended was just like connect with small pleasures 381 00:24:11,720 --> 00:24:14,640 Speaker 1: that again have nothing to do with sex. The warmth 382 00:24:14,760 --> 00:24:19,160 Speaker 1: of a hot shower, a really delicious piece of dark chocolate, 383 00:24:20,160 --> 00:24:23,080 Speaker 1: the feeling of your hair between your fingers, or the 384 00:24:23,080 --> 00:24:26,240 Speaker 1: smell of your shampoo, the weight of a really snugly 385 00:24:26,280 --> 00:24:28,919 Speaker 1: blanket on you while the air con is on, the 386 00:24:28,960 --> 00:24:31,280 Speaker 1: way your sunlight warms your skin, like when you're on 387 00:24:31,320 --> 00:24:35,520 Speaker 1: the grass, the softness of like your pet's breath, Like 388 00:24:35,600 --> 00:24:40,080 Speaker 1: just all these things, like let the world romance you 389 00:24:40,119 --> 00:24:43,560 Speaker 1: for a little bit. If intimacy feels overwhelming right now, 390 00:24:43,640 --> 00:24:46,760 Speaker 1: especially with somebody else, Like you can begin here with 391 00:24:47,160 --> 00:24:52,679 Speaker 1: sensation that literally asks nothing of you nothing in return. 392 00:24:54,040 --> 00:24:57,360 Speaker 1: Like that's gonna mean that you don't feel like you're 393 00:24:57,400 --> 00:25:00,720 Speaker 1: constantly rejecting intimacy, that the only way you can experience 394 00:25:00,800 --> 00:25:04,159 Speaker 1: intimacy is like if you can have sex, and like 395 00:25:04,560 --> 00:25:06,720 Speaker 1: it's either that or nothing. Like this is a type 396 00:25:06,720 --> 00:25:09,840 Speaker 1: of intimacy that like you're not gonna let anybody down 397 00:25:10,320 --> 00:25:12,840 Speaker 1: whether you enjoy it or not. It's just there for 398 00:25:12,920 --> 00:25:15,159 Speaker 1: you to enjoy, right Like, And when you begin to 399 00:25:15,200 --> 00:25:18,520 Speaker 1: notice these sensations, rather than rushing past them, I think 400 00:25:18,560 --> 00:25:20,760 Speaker 1: you just give yourself a chance to feel a little 401 00:25:20,800 --> 00:25:25,280 Speaker 1: bit more in touch with yourself, in touch with like 402 00:25:25,800 --> 00:25:31,520 Speaker 1: your senses and more present. You know, what's the height 403 00:25:31,560 --> 00:25:34,439 Speaker 1: of slowing down. The height of slowing down is, of 404 00:25:34,480 --> 00:25:40,200 Speaker 1: course getting more sleep, literally just resting more. I saw 405 00:25:40,240 --> 00:25:44,120 Speaker 1: a stat that said one extra hour of sleep per 406 00:25:44,280 --> 00:25:49,000 Speaker 1: night can increase libido by fourteen percent on average from 407 00:25:49,000 --> 00:25:51,399 Speaker 1: this study, and I don't know if that result has 408 00:25:51,440 --> 00:25:55,479 Speaker 1: been replicated, but like, I think it's worth a try. 409 00:25:55,600 --> 00:25:59,399 Speaker 1: I just like getting more sleep, drinking less alcohol, like 410 00:26:00,280 --> 00:26:03,919 Speaker 1: so much daily stress, and like frustration and irritability that 411 00:26:03,960 --> 00:26:06,760 Speaker 1: puts like a barrier out between you and pleasure comes 412 00:26:06,800 --> 00:26:09,960 Speaker 1: from drinking and comes from not getting enough sleep. I've 413 00:26:10,000 --> 00:26:14,280 Speaker 1: just found at the moment I prioritize those two things obviously, 414 00:26:14,320 --> 00:26:17,720 Speaker 1: like sleeping more, not drinking less. I just feel so 415 00:26:17,840 --> 00:26:19,760 Speaker 1: much better, and I feel happier and lighter, and I'm 416 00:26:19,800 --> 00:26:22,760 Speaker 1: going to be more willing to like really get into it. 417 00:26:23,240 --> 00:26:25,600 Speaker 1: I also think, you know, it's probably wise just to 418 00:26:25,640 --> 00:26:27,880 Speaker 1: go and get your bloods done. Go get a panel 419 00:26:27,880 --> 00:26:30,600 Speaker 1: of bloods, go to your doctor. There may be something 420 00:26:30,600 --> 00:26:33,720 Speaker 1: physical that's happening that could be addressed pretty rapidly, like 421 00:26:34,200 --> 00:26:37,160 Speaker 1: low iron. Maybe you need to change in your birth control, 422 00:26:37,560 --> 00:26:41,320 Speaker 1: a less intense dosage of antidepressants. Samelatonin to help you 423 00:26:41,359 --> 00:26:44,199 Speaker 1: sleep better. That will help you have more energy. Obviously 424 00:26:44,280 --> 00:26:45,720 Speaker 1: this is not medical advice, but like there are so 425 00:26:45,760 --> 00:26:49,119 Speaker 1: many explanations there and just having more information makes you 426 00:26:49,119 --> 00:26:52,200 Speaker 1: feel so much better. Anyways, Like I was diagnosed with 427 00:26:52,240 --> 00:26:56,760 Speaker 1: PCOS recently and my doctor told me how much it 428 00:26:56,840 --> 00:26:59,359 Speaker 1: reduces libido and we which she's amazing, and we were 429 00:26:59,400 --> 00:27:01,960 Speaker 1: just talking about it and how they don't really know why. 430 00:27:02,080 --> 00:27:05,160 Speaker 1: Of course they don't, it's female health, but just knowing that, 431 00:27:05,240 --> 00:27:06,720 Speaker 1: Like the way she just said that to me, I 432 00:27:06,800 --> 00:27:09,840 Speaker 1: was like, oh, I feel so much less, silly, I 433 00:27:09,880 --> 00:27:12,520 Speaker 1: feel so much less, Like this is my fault that 434 00:27:12,560 --> 00:27:16,159 Speaker 1: I just like, I'm not that interested. Sexual health is 435 00:27:16,160 --> 00:27:18,920 Speaker 1: emotional health, is physical health, is mental health is health. 436 00:27:19,640 --> 00:27:22,640 Speaker 1: Like you're allowed to go to your doctor and be like, hey, 437 00:27:22,760 --> 00:27:25,280 Speaker 1: like I I would like to be having more sex 438 00:27:25,680 --> 00:27:27,840 Speaker 1: and that's an important part of my life for me, 439 00:27:27,920 --> 00:27:30,120 Speaker 1: so like can you help me with that? And they 440 00:27:30,119 --> 00:27:32,920 Speaker 1: can help investigate what's going going on below the surface. 441 00:27:34,200 --> 00:27:38,040 Speaker 1: When it comes to your partner, you need to create 442 00:27:38,080 --> 00:27:41,840 Speaker 1: a shared understanding that intimacy takes many shapes and that 443 00:27:42,720 --> 00:27:45,400 Speaker 1: you just need to slow down. It's not about withdrawing 444 00:27:45,440 --> 00:27:48,359 Speaker 1: you don't want to reject them. You want to be 445 00:27:48,359 --> 00:27:50,840 Speaker 1: present with them. You want to do this differently, and 446 00:27:50,880 --> 00:27:52,440 Speaker 1: you want to be able to talk with them openly 447 00:27:52,640 --> 00:27:56,600 Speaker 1: and just say like, hey, I don't want to have 448 00:27:56,640 --> 00:28:00,439 Speaker 1: sex unless it's amazing, Like I want to have amazing 449 00:28:00,440 --> 00:28:04,959 Speaker 1: sex with you. I don't want to have cheap, not good, 450 00:28:05,359 --> 00:28:08,520 Speaker 1: random sex. I want to be invested in this. And 451 00:28:08,560 --> 00:28:10,760 Speaker 1: because of that, I just want to figure out a 452 00:28:10,800 --> 00:28:13,359 Speaker 1: little bit more about what my body responds to and 453 00:28:13,400 --> 00:28:15,479 Speaker 1: what my body needs. And I love being close to you. 454 00:28:15,960 --> 00:28:18,280 Speaker 1: I just think like we need to explore different ways 455 00:28:18,520 --> 00:28:22,320 Speaker 1: for that closeness. You're making it clear that you're not 456 00:28:22,400 --> 00:28:24,440 Speaker 1: just you're not rejecting them. And I know that's such 457 00:28:24,480 --> 00:28:27,520 Speaker 1: a tension point in relationship when one person wants to 458 00:28:27,560 --> 00:28:29,840 Speaker 1: have more sex than the other person. Normally, it's like 459 00:28:29,840 --> 00:28:32,520 Speaker 1: if you're in a heterosexual relationship, the guy like for 460 00:28:32,560 --> 00:28:35,879 Speaker 1: them sex is very physical, and it can feel like 461 00:28:36,080 --> 00:28:39,120 Speaker 1: every time you have to be like no, and that 462 00:28:39,480 --> 00:28:41,880 Speaker 1: you're really just like insulting them, that it's saying something 463 00:28:41,920 --> 00:28:44,960 Speaker 1: about your relationship. I think having that language of like, 464 00:28:45,120 --> 00:28:47,479 Speaker 1: I actually I want to have really good sex with 465 00:28:47,520 --> 00:28:50,440 Speaker 1: you makes it so much better and obviously, like you 466 00:28:50,440 --> 00:28:55,160 Speaker 1: don't need to apologize, you don't need to like feel 467 00:28:55,160 --> 00:28:58,320 Speaker 1: guilty for it. You don't need to protect their ego 468 00:28:58,360 --> 00:29:01,600 Speaker 1: in any way. But like, if you're serious about this person, 469 00:29:02,320 --> 00:29:04,880 Speaker 1: like you gotta have open conversations about this that sometimes 470 00:29:04,880 --> 00:29:08,200 Speaker 1: are like a little bit uncomfortable. You're just making it clear, 471 00:29:08,280 --> 00:29:10,400 Speaker 1: like I want this with you. Let's make it amazing. 472 00:29:10,760 --> 00:29:13,560 Speaker 1: I also had this friend, and I know she won't 473 00:29:13,560 --> 00:29:15,520 Speaker 1: mind me sharing this, but she was telling me about 474 00:29:15,880 --> 00:29:19,320 Speaker 1: this thing that her and her girlfriend did, which was 475 00:29:20,080 --> 00:29:23,280 Speaker 1: they just took sex off the table entirely for three 476 00:29:23,360 --> 00:29:26,880 Speaker 1: months and they started to approach it like they were 477 00:29:26,880 --> 00:29:31,320 Speaker 1: teenagers again, or like they were experiencing everything for the 478 00:29:31,320 --> 00:29:35,560 Speaker 1: first time together, like going back through like base one, 479 00:29:35,640 --> 00:29:39,160 Speaker 1: base two, like third base, and just like focusing on 480 00:29:39,160 --> 00:29:41,440 Speaker 1: one of those bases like a week at a time. 481 00:29:41,800 --> 00:29:43,440 Speaker 1: And I remember, like I got dinner with her and 482 00:29:43,480 --> 00:29:45,080 Speaker 1: she was like, I was like, Oh, how's it going. 483 00:29:45,160 --> 00:29:48,080 Speaker 1: She's like, oh my god, it's amazing. Like it's kissing week, 484 00:29:48,240 --> 00:29:50,479 Speaker 1: and like all we do is make out and like 485 00:29:51,240 --> 00:29:53,600 Speaker 1: we know, like we're not going to have sex, Like 486 00:29:53,640 --> 00:29:56,000 Speaker 1: we just make out and it's so much fun. It's 487 00:29:56,040 --> 00:29:59,000 Speaker 1: like the anticipation is there, and it feels like there's 488 00:29:59,000 --> 00:30:02,240 Speaker 1: no pressure, and like I kind of think people should 489 00:30:02,280 --> 00:30:04,600 Speaker 1: steal that exercise from them, Like they seem like they're 490 00:30:04,600 --> 00:30:07,320 Speaker 1: having a great time, and I think it's just really 491 00:30:07,840 --> 00:30:13,360 Speaker 1: rekindling sometimes the excitement and like the enthusiasm in a 492 00:30:13,400 --> 00:30:16,120 Speaker 1: long term relationship, like when you've been with somebody for 493 00:30:16,560 --> 00:30:19,480 Speaker 1: a while, speaking to your partner about this is obviously 494 00:30:19,720 --> 00:30:22,680 Speaker 1: a necessity, like speaking to them is a version of intimacy. 495 00:30:22,720 --> 00:30:25,000 Speaker 1: You will actually find that being open with them will 496 00:30:25,040 --> 00:30:27,360 Speaker 1: probably make you want to have more sex, just because 497 00:30:27,360 --> 00:30:30,960 Speaker 1: you feel more connected. Speaking vulnerably about this with your 498 00:30:31,080 --> 00:30:36,000 Speaker 1: friends outside the context of your relationship is also important, 499 00:30:36,320 --> 00:30:38,640 Speaker 1: Like we need to be talking about low libidos or 500 00:30:38,680 --> 00:30:42,680 Speaker 1: fluctuating libidos more with our friends, like we are so 501 00:30:42,840 --> 00:30:45,200 Speaker 1: down to do like the rowdy sex stories and the 502 00:30:45,200 --> 00:30:48,200 Speaker 1: one night stands. We're so down to talk about bad 503 00:30:48,280 --> 00:30:51,560 Speaker 1: sex or the overall feeling we have towards sex, the 504 00:30:51,600 --> 00:30:54,200 Speaker 1: ways you know, the tips, the tricks, the stories like, 505 00:30:55,240 --> 00:30:59,520 Speaker 1: but this is also part of that conversation you know 506 00:31:00,680 --> 00:31:03,880 Speaker 1: and your friends. As much as you should talk about 507 00:31:03,920 --> 00:31:06,720 Speaker 1: it with your partner, your friends know a lot about you. 508 00:31:07,360 --> 00:31:09,920 Speaker 1: They know what you're going through. They know probably a 509 00:31:09,920 --> 00:31:12,120 Speaker 1: bit more about your past. They know what's happening with 510 00:31:12,200 --> 00:31:15,480 Speaker 1: your health, with your job, with your ex. They probably 511 00:31:16,640 --> 00:31:18,920 Speaker 1: have things that they do for themselves as well, if 512 00:31:18,920 --> 00:31:21,760 Speaker 1: nothing else, that might be able to help you. And 513 00:31:21,800 --> 00:31:24,840 Speaker 1: I think like when we open up the conversation, like 514 00:31:24,880 --> 00:31:27,680 Speaker 1: it just everything feels so much lighter. One of the 515 00:31:27,720 --> 00:31:30,920 Speaker 1: best conversations I've had recently was with my friends about 516 00:31:30,960 --> 00:31:34,480 Speaker 1: this very thing, and guess what, it made me realize 517 00:31:35,320 --> 00:31:37,360 Speaker 1: how common this is. So many of these all these 518 00:31:37,360 --> 00:31:39,880 Speaker 1: people were in long term relationships. All of them said 519 00:31:39,920 --> 00:31:42,400 Speaker 1: the same thing, like, yeah, this is something that we 520 00:31:42,440 --> 00:31:45,320 Speaker 1: go through all the time. Like yeah, one of us 521 00:31:45,360 --> 00:31:47,800 Speaker 1: wants sex more than the other. I love them very much, 522 00:31:47,840 --> 00:31:50,440 Speaker 1: but like, it just is what it is. And I 523 00:31:50,440 --> 00:31:52,640 Speaker 1: think when you just talk about it, it's like this 524 00:31:52,840 --> 00:31:56,080 Speaker 1: relief of like, oh my god, no, yeah, you're right. 525 00:31:56,160 --> 00:31:58,800 Speaker 1: Not everybody is having as much sex and as great 526 00:31:58,800 --> 00:32:01,600 Speaker 1: as sex as they thought they were. You know, every 527 00:32:01,640 --> 00:32:05,960 Speaker 1: relationship is different, mine included. I want to create the 528 00:32:06,040 --> 00:32:08,200 Speaker 1: kind of sex and the relationship to sex with both 529 00:32:08,240 --> 00:32:10,440 Speaker 1: of us that is going to make it really great 530 00:32:10,480 --> 00:32:14,320 Speaker 1: for us. So, if you've been listening to this and 531 00:32:14,400 --> 00:32:18,480 Speaker 1: you've been recognizing parts of yourself in it. I just 532 00:32:18,520 --> 00:32:20,680 Speaker 1: hope that like this has given you some information or 533 00:32:20,680 --> 00:32:26,120 Speaker 1: some answers, and if nothing else, a little bit less shame, 534 00:32:27,120 --> 00:32:29,040 Speaker 1: just a bit more knowledge about libido as well, and 535 00:32:29,080 --> 00:32:32,000 Speaker 1: like what might be impacting it in the fact that, like, 536 00:32:32,200 --> 00:32:36,239 Speaker 1: you're not cursed, This isn't the end, especially if you 537 00:32:36,280 --> 00:32:40,520 Speaker 1: are in your twenties, Like the best is yet to come. 538 00:32:40,920 --> 00:32:43,160 Speaker 1: That's what it sounds like to me. Like all of 539 00:32:43,160 --> 00:32:45,840 Speaker 1: these studies that I was reading, all these articles were like, yeah, 540 00:32:46,280 --> 00:32:48,760 Speaker 1: thirty and forty is like where it's at, so like 541 00:32:48,800 --> 00:32:51,480 Speaker 1: it's only up from here. This is just, like I think, 542 00:32:51,520 --> 00:32:54,760 Speaker 1: a challenge for you to really like go deeper with 543 00:32:54,840 --> 00:32:57,560 Speaker 1: like what do I want, what do I enjoy? What 544 00:32:57,720 --> 00:33:00,600 Speaker 1: turns me on? What's the mental so story I need 545 00:33:00,640 --> 00:33:04,480 Speaker 1: to associate with sex? And how can I like be 546 00:33:04,480 --> 00:33:07,120 Speaker 1: better at making that part of the sex I'm having 547 00:33:07,520 --> 00:33:09,920 Speaker 1: so that it's not just like this act for somebody else, 548 00:33:10,400 --> 00:33:11,720 Speaker 1: or it's not just this thing I do out of 549 00:33:11,720 --> 00:33:14,960 Speaker 1: obligation or its sense of obligation, or because I want 550 00:33:15,000 --> 00:33:17,360 Speaker 1: to give the impression of intimacy that I want to 551 00:33:17,400 --> 00:33:19,760 Speaker 1: have the sex that I actually enjoy and that I 552 00:33:19,800 --> 00:33:22,160 Speaker 1: really want to have. How can I do that? What 553 00:33:22,200 --> 00:33:25,640 Speaker 1: do I need to pay attention to? So I think 554 00:33:25,720 --> 00:33:27,640 Speaker 1: that is all we have time for. Again, I hope 555 00:33:27,640 --> 00:33:30,920 Speaker 1: you enjoyed the episode. I want to thank our research 556 00:33:30,960 --> 00:33:34,880 Speaker 1: assistant Libi Cobbert for her contributions. Make sure that you 557 00:33:34,880 --> 00:33:38,040 Speaker 1: are following us on Instagram and that you are subscribed 558 00:33:38,160 --> 00:33:41,280 Speaker 1: or following along wherever you are listening to the podcast 559 00:33:41,360 --> 00:33:44,959 Speaker 1: right now. It really helps the show to grow and 560 00:33:45,040 --> 00:33:48,480 Speaker 1: to reach new people. We also have an older guest 561 00:33:48,600 --> 00:33:52,320 Speaker 1: episode called sex is Mental Not Just Physical, with somebody 562 00:33:52,320 --> 00:33:55,080 Speaker 1: who knows a lot more about this than me and 563 00:33:55,760 --> 00:33:59,400 Speaker 1: who does really cool things in like the audio erotica space. 564 00:33:59,560 --> 00:34:03,120 Speaker 1: So if you want to continue listening and you're like 565 00:34:03,240 --> 00:34:05,600 Speaker 1: on a roll with this topic, you can go and 566 00:34:05,680 --> 00:34:07,120 Speaker 1: check that out. I'll leave a little link in the 567 00:34:07,160 --> 00:34:09,759 Speaker 1: description as well. But again, I hope it was informative 568 00:34:10,080 --> 00:34:12,120 Speaker 1: and I hope you have great discussions with your partner, 569 00:34:12,200 --> 00:34:16,160 Speaker 1: with your friends about sex and about getting turned on 570 00:34:16,280 --> 00:34:20,120 Speaker 1: and about intimacy. Until next time, stay safe, be kind, 571 00:34:20,360 --> 00:34:23,640 Speaker 1: be gentle to yourself. We will talk very very soon.