WEBVTT - Kill Them (with Kindness) with Julianna Margulies

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<v Speaker 1>Hi, Catherine, Hi Chelsea. Hi, Well, I have been traveling

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<v Speaker 1>like a little at easter Bunny. Yeah, you're making my

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<v Speaker 1>rounds around the world, and I cannot tell you how

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<v Speaker 1>exciting and fun it is. It's so nice to be

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<v Speaker 1>out of the country. I've been out of the country.

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<v Speaker 2>I have to ask you, you have been so many

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<v Speaker 2>places this summer. You're going to Africa, are going to

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<v Speaker 2>all these different places. Is there anything still on your

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<v Speaker 2>bucket list? What's still on your bucket list?

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<v Speaker 3>Oh?

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<v Speaker 1>Yeah, of course. I haven't been to a lot of places.

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<v Speaker 1>I have never been to Prague. I've never been to Beirut,

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<v Speaker 1>which is supposed to be really interesting. I've never been

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<v Speaker 1>to Well. I would like to go to Istanbul, and

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<v Speaker 1>I want to go to Jordan. I want to go

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<v Speaker 1>to Jordan.

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<v Speaker 2>Oh yeah, So isn't that where that church that's like

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<v Speaker 2>carved into the stone is from Indiana Jones.

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<v Speaker 1>I'm not sure about that. But I need to know

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<v Speaker 1>someone who has lived in any of these places when

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<v Speaker 1>I go, because when I go to somewhere that I

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<v Speaker 1>really need to like, usually we get a tour guide

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<v Speaker 1>and that's fine. You know, they're actually very informative and

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<v Speaker 1>it's It's a good way to learn about the city

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<v Speaker 1>better than me left to my own devices, because I'll

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<v Speaker 1>just end up at a cafe drinking all day if

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<v Speaker 1>nobody says anything. But yeah, I don't know. I have

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<v Speaker 1>to find out who to take those trips with, and

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<v Speaker 1>I like to be with somebody who's been there before,

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<v Speaker 1>Like India is another place that I would like to

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<v Speaker 1>go back to without working, because when I went there,

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<v Speaker 1>I was filming as well. Russia. I've been there. I'm

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<v Speaker 1>wrapped on Russia as everyone. You're good with that, I'm

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<v Speaker 1>good with that. So I don't know what I have

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<v Speaker 1>on my bucket list. Probably I want to take my

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<v Speaker 1>sisters to Bora Borat because they've never been there and

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<v Speaker 1>that was one of the happiest trips of my life,

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<v Speaker 1>which I've discussed on the show. Oh. I also started

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<v Speaker 1>reading The Body Keeps the Score You did. It's pretty heavy,

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<v Speaker 1>Like I didn't realize how heavy it was. So I

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<v Speaker 1>started reading that, and then I realized I have eight

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<v Speaker 1>books i'm reading, and with traveling, I'm downloading them on

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<v Speaker 1>my kindle. I mean, oh, sorry, I don't have a

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<v Speaker 1>kiddled my iPad, but my iPad's fucking battery runs out

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<v Speaker 1>so quickly, so it's very so I need a hardcover,

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<v Speaker 1>and I much prefer a hardcover anyway. But I'm in

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<v Speaker 1>the middle of like six books, and when I travel,

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<v Speaker 1>I don't read as much because I'm too busy gallivan

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<v Speaker 1>hunting around, you know, hooking up with strangers and chatting

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<v Speaker 1>to meet friends and being like that.

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<v Speaker 2>Yeah, well, okay, tell me if you can help me

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<v Speaker 2>with this, because Brad and I are going well, we

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<v Speaker 2>have our fifteenth wedding anniversary this year. Oh my god,

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<v Speaker 2>how wild?

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<v Speaker 1>Fifteen years is a long time, a long.

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<v Speaker 2>Time, and we've been together for eighteen oh like truly,

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<v Speaker 2>if we had gotten pregnant our first night dating, then

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<v Speaker 2>we would basically have a high school graduate.

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<v Speaker 1>Yeah, but what kind of fucking logic is that we

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<v Speaker 1>are not talking about that I was almost in a

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<v Speaker 1>plane crash. What do you mean?

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<v Speaker 4>Yeah, it does feel that way, but I.

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<v Speaker 1>Actually it was pregnant when I was fifteen years old,

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<v Speaker 1>So if I had a baby, that's something to talk about.

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<v Speaker 1>If I had a baby. If I had had my

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<v Speaker 1>baby when I was pregnant, wait, let's do the math

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<v Speaker 1>on this. I would be he would be I'm forty eight,

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<v Speaker 1>that baby would be thirty. Shit, I would have a

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<v Speaker 1>thirty three year old baby. Wow, well you woun to

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<v Speaker 1>be a baby. I don't know why it's a he

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<v Speaker 1>but yeah, oh god, thank god you made some right

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<v Speaker 1>life choices.

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<v Speaker 2>So we are going away somewhere for our fifteenth anniversary.

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<v Speaker 4>Underware.

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<v Speaker 2>Okay, Brad says his limit for a trip is nine days.

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<v Speaker 2>He won't go for longer than way to Italy for

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<v Speaker 2>a month.

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<v Speaker 1>We can work from there. He's like, no, why, Brad,

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<v Speaker 1>what's your doing? I get stir crazy, stir crazy. You're

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<v Speaker 1>on vacation.

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<v Speaker 2>But I've got other stuff that I like to do, Chelsea.

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<v Speaker 1>Yeah, I got shit to do.

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<v Speaker 3>No, I feel like nine days you start to feel like,

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<v Speaker 3>all right, I'm ready to go home now.

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<v Speaker 1>Oh that's so funny. I never feel like it's time

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<v Speaker 1>to go home.

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<v Speaker 4>I mean, don't get me wrong.

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<v Speaker 1>I like being on the road. I like traveling, but

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<v Speaker 1>then at a certain point I'm ready for my own

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<v Speaker 1>bed and a comfortable familiar surrounding.

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<v Speaker 5>You know.

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<v Speaker 1>Okay, so nine minutes, get back to nine days. I

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<v Speaker 1>don't well, you could do that anything. I don't know

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<v Speaker 1>where you would go for nine days? You could break

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<v Speaker 1>it up. Go to Italy, go to Pulia. Yeah yeah,

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<v Speaker 1>people like those pictures there. And then there's Chinca tra

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<v Speaker 1>or Sinca Ta, I don't know how you say it.

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<v Speaker 1>And that's supposed to be beautiful. You can bounce around

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<v Speaker 1>Italy in nine.

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<v Speaker 4>Days, That's what I'm kind of.

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<v Speaker 1>Florence is the best city in Italy in my opinion

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<v Speaker 1>that I've been to, most like the most beautiful, sexy,

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<v Speaker 1>beautiful museums there. I mean, Rome is cool, but Rome's

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<v Speaker 1>like a shit show.

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<v Speaker 4>Yeah, out of control. Yeah. I've literally been trying to

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<v Speaker 4>get her to go to Italy with me for like.

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<v Speaker 1>Oh, there you go.

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<v Speaker 2>That's so any time you just take me.

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<v Speaker 5>Yeah.

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<v Speaker 1>The thing is with my house in my Orca. I

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<v Speaker 1>stopped going to Italy when I bought this house. I

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<v Speaker 1>don't really go anywhere else except for my worka so yeah,

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<v Speaker 1>but I'm heading to Portugal soon, so we'll see how

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<v Speaker 1>that goes.

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<v Speaker 4>That will be fun.

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<v Speaker 2>We were almost going to go to Portugal because my

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<v Speaker 2>cousin was getting married there and now she's getting married

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<v Speaker 2>in La.

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<v Speaker 1>I need to find a Spanish, Portuguese or Italian man

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<v Speaker 1>that is taller and bigger than me.

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<v Speaker 2>Who knows the area so he can take you on tours.

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<v Speaker 1>Yeah yeah, yeah and broken English like that, back and forth.

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<v Speaker 2>Yeah, send us your recommendations, everybody.

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<v Speaker 1>Okay, okay, guys, we have added more shows to my

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<v Speaker 1>Little Big Bitch tour because I'm coming all over. We

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<v Speaker 1>added a second show at the Pantagius in Los Angeles,

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<v Speaker 1>so that's October twelfth and Friday the thirteenth. We added

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<v Speaker 1>a second show in Boston at the Waning Center September

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<v Speaker 1>twenty ninth and thirtieth is two shows in New York.

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<v Speaker 1>I also have a show in East Hampton, New York,

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<v Speaker 1>August twenty six. We added a second show in Portland,

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<v Speaker 1>so Thursday, November tewod Friday November third, and Portland November

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<v Speaker 1>fourth and fifth. In San Francisco, two shows there. We

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<v Speaker 1>added a second show in Seattle November tenth and eleventh.

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<v Speaker 1>Two shows Boston are November sixteenth and seventeenth at the

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<v Speaker 1>Bach Center at Wang Theater. And I'm also coming to

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<v Speaker 1>Toronto and Montreal and Ottawa and so many other cities Columbus, Cincinnati, Detroit, Louisville.

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<v Speaker 1>So I will see everybody at all of these shows.

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<v Speaker 1>Thank you, get your tickets at Chelseahandler dot com. Our

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<v Speaker 1>guest today is back by popular demand. Many of you

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<v Speaker 1>love her because you've heard her on this podcast, or

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<v Speaker 1>I should say you love her on this podcast if

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<v Speaker 1>that's not how you've heard of her. But she's a

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<v Speaker 1>very good friend of mine, and it is an absolute

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<v Speaker 1>delight because she loves giving advice as much as I do.

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<v Speaker 1>Juliana Marghi, le's Catherine. Hi, Hi, your favorite person is here?

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<v Speaker 2>Hi, Catherine, Hi, Juliana.

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<v Speaker 4>I knew Katherine wasn't going to be here, so I

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<v Speaker 4>didn't bring you this disgusting.

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<v Speaker 2>I heard Macha lemonade.

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<v Speaker 4>So there's a store downstairs, and I was like, well,

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<v Speaker 4>she's probably already had coffee. I've had coffee. What's a

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<v Speaker 4>Maucha lemonade?

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<v Speaker 1>You've been watching too much of Keeping Up with the Kardashians.

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<v Speaker 1>Oh no, it's not called that anymore. What is it

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<v Speaker 1>called the Kardashians? The kardash Courtney Kardashian All. She bangs

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<v Speaker 1>on about Macha lemonade the whole time.

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<v Speaker 4>Do you know I've never seen one episode?

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<v Speaker 1>Of course you haven't. Good for you?

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<v Speaker 4>Okay, Hi, Hi?

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<v Speaker 1>More than that. Later we'll talk about it. I'm sure

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<v Speaker 1>we are. We have our very sexual guest. She's back

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<v Speaker 1>by popular demand because of her sexual voice and her

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<v Speaker 1>sexual advice. Juliana marky Lea's is back for the What time?

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<v Speaker 1>Is this the third time?

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<v Speaker 4>Third time?

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<v Speaker 1>I love it? But we're on season four, so we're

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<v Speaker 1>gonna have to double up because you need to be

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<v Speaker 1>in and I think we need to stop having seasons. Catherine,

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<v Speaker 1>isn't that girl?

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<v Speaker 4>How does the podcast season work?

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<v Speaker 1>Exactly?

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<v Speaker 4>Is it?

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<v Speaker 2>We make it up as we go along. Basically fiscal year?

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<v Speaker 4>How does that work? Do I do my taxes by it?

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<v Speaker 1>It's basically whenever I decide I need two weeks off,

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<v Speaker 1>that's the break we get.

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<v Speaker 4>Got it? And this time I'm just your cohort.

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<v Speaker 1>Yeah, I mean, I don't even have any questions to

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<v Speaker 1>ask you, because I've talked to you all the time. Actually,

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<v Speaker 1>I do have some questions to ask you. Juliana and

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<v Speaker 1>I have a date tonight.

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<v Speaker 4>We have a romantic evening planned.

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<v Speaker 1>Because Juliana also has a birthday coming up tomorrow, which

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<v Speaker 1>she wants to spend with her husband. I'm not sure why,

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<v Speaker 1>but I'll go with it.

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<v Speaker 3>I know.

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<v Speaker 1>Chelsea was like, no, let's do it on your birthday.

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<v Speaker 4>I'm like, ah, I'm a husband, have dinner.

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<v Speaker 1>What does he have to do with anything?

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<v Speaker 4>You can? Yeah, so we're doing it. Actually it's better because,

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<v Speaker 4>first of all, I want to say one thing. I

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<v Speaker 4>was listening to a podcast. Rarely do I not listen

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<v Speaker 4>to yours, Okay, but I heard Dion von Furstenberg on

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<v Speaker 4>Julia Louis Dreyfus is Wiser than me.

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<v Speaker 1>Oh yeah, I heard. That's a great podcast.

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<v Speaker 4>It's great. I think I texted you and I was like, Chelsea,

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<v Speaker 4>you need to listen to this because it's all women

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<v Speaker 4>are older than her, and she and Julie is older

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<v Speaker 4>than us. So it's just these beautiful words of wisdom.

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<v Speaker 4>And Dion, who I know, but oftentimes when I see her,

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<v Speaker 4>I can't really understand what she's saying. I've met, but

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<v Speaker 4>she was so clear on this podcast. Anyway, I was

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<v Speaker 4>watering my garden last weekend and one of the questions

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<v Speaker 4>that Julia Louis Dreyfus always asks her guests or do

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<v Speaker 4>you mind if I ask you your age? And most

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<v Speaker 4>of them all say not at all, I'm seventy five

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<v Speaker 4>whatever not Dion. Dion said, you can but I don't

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<v Speaker 4>like the way you phrased it. I like to say,

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<v Speaker 4>how many years have you lived? It's much more honorable

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<v Speaker 4>it is. And I realize, like, yeah, to say even

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<v Speaker 4>to a kid, like how many years have you lived

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<v Speaker 4>on this planet? I've lived nine years. It suddenly makes

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<v Speaker 4>age seem exciting, yeah, rather than horrifying.

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<v Speaker 1>I agree with that. I've been actually examining the way

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<v Speaker 1>that I feel about elderly people recently, because you know,

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<v Speaker 1>in other cultures. I mean, I hate when people say

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<v Speaker 1>certain cultures are more family oriented than other cultures, because

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<v Speaker 1>to me, what culture isn't family oriented? Besides like isis?

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<v Speaker 1>You know what I mean? Like everyone likes their family anyway.

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<v Speaker 1>I don't know if isis is a culture, but they'd

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<v Speaker 1>like to be any anyway. And I realize, like when

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<v Speaker 1>my grandparents, like when people become kind of i don't know,

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<v Speaker 1>ineffectual or like they're not really participating in life the

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<v Speaker 1>way that you value people participating in life. I've noticed

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<v Speaker 1>that I don't take the elderly as seriously as I

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<v Speaker 1>want to, Like, I'm dismissive of somebody when they're out

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<v Speaker 1>of it, when they're old and they're out of it,

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<v Speaker 1>like when my dad hit a wall. And I know

0:10:19.080 --> 0:10:22.160
<v Speaker 1>your mom had a big birthday recently, eighty eight.

0:10:22.080 --> 0:10:26.720
<v Speaker 4>Right had my stepmother's ninety one today. Oh wow, yeah,

0:10:26.960 --> 0:10:28.920
<v Speaker 4>thank you dad for leaving me her and.

0:10:29.559 --> 0:10:32.400
<v Speaker 1>And tell me what your thoughts on that what I'm saying.

0:10:32.480 --> 0:10:35.360
<v Speaker 4>So you know in Japan it's opposite, right, The older

0:10:35.400 --> 0:10:36.520
<v Speaker 4>you are, the more respected you.

0:10:36.480 --> 0:10:40.199
<v Speaker 1>The more revered. Sorry, I have Juliana brought some Macha lemonade.

0:10:40.880 --> 0:10:44.800
<v Speaker 1>It's awful, it's not I have to gargle really sparkling water.

0:10:45.480 --> 0:10:47.960
<v Speaker 1>I'm actually going to find you for bringing that instead

0:10:48.000 --> 0:10:48.839
<v Speaker 1>of saying thank you.

0:10:48.960 --> 0:10:51.240
<v Speaker 4>The reason I brought it was because I'm always early.

0:10:51.920 --> 0:10:54.679
<v Speaker 4>I was downstairs early at two rather than to twenty

0:10:54.679 --> 0:10:56.600
<v Speaker 4>five when I was supposed to be here. And I thought, oh,

0:10:56.640 --> 0:10:58.640
<v Speaker 4>I'll bring Chelsea something to drink. She's been in a

0:10:58.679 --> 0:11:01.839
<v Speaker 4>studio all day. And then I thought, Chelsea's so adventurous,

0:11:01.840 --> 0:11:04.440
<v Speaker 4>she's always trying new things, she's always going to different countries.

0:11:04.880 --> 0:11:07.599
<v Speaker 4>Don't get the same old same old get her. And

0:11:07.679 --> 0:11:10.040
<v Speaker 4>I said to the guy, what's a matcha lemonade? That

0:11:10.120 --> 0:11:12.559
<v Speaker 4>sounds bizarre, and he goes, it's really good. It's awful,

0:11:15.559 --> 0:11:15.720
<v Speaker 4>and it.

0:11:15.760 --> 0:11:18.320
<v Speaker 1>Also needs to be. I don't understand in New York

0:11:18.400 --> 0:11:21.760
<v Speaker 1>or really anywhere why they don't put more ice in drinks.

0:11:22.000 --> 0:11:24.280
<v Speaker 1>When you put a little amount of ice in drinks,

0:11:24.360 --> 0:11:25.320
<v Speaker 1>it melts faster.

0:11:25.640 --> 0:11:27.720
<v Speaker 4>It's a natural store down there, that's why.

0:11:27.880 --> 0:11:28.080
<v Speaker 1>Yeah.

0:11:28.559 --> 0:11:30.920
<v Speaker 4>Yeah, anyway, that's a very American thing.

0:11:31.559 --> 0:11:34.440
<v Speaker 1>Ice. I know, I know, I know. I've been traveling.

0:11:34.520 --> 0:11:37.960
<v Speaker 4>You understand that when we're going on a romantic vacation,

0:11:38.080 --> 0:11:40.200
<v Speaker 4>Chelsea and I, and when we go to London and

0:11:40.240 --> 0:11:42.400
<v Speaker 4>you ask for ice, they put one cube.

0:11:42.200 --> 0:11:44.160
<v Speaker 1>In the Oh. I don't worry. I'm prepared, okay, I

0:11:44.160 --> 0:11:46.520
<v Speaker 1>already ship ice, ship ice ahead. You think with all

0:11:46.520 --> 0:11:50.240
<v Speaker 1>these ice, you think with all these ice cups melting,

0:11:50.280 --> 0:11:52.280
<v Speaker 1>we'd have more fucking ice, not less of it. We

0:11:52.320 --> 0:11:54.559
<v Speaker 1>need to get that ice and use it for drinks.

0:11:55.920 --> 0:11:58.280
<v Speaker 1>My friend was going off the other day about water,

0:11:58.360 --> 0:12:00.360
<v Speaker 1>and then I was talking to somebody else this morning

0:12:00.360 --> 0:12:02.520
<v Speaker 1>about water. You know, because everyone's always shoving water or

0:12:02.520 --> 0:12:04.560
<v Speaker 1>down our throats, like water is so important. You have

0:12:04.600 --> 0:12:07.000
<v Speaker 1>to have water, water, water, water. And now all I

0:12:07.040 --> 0:12:09.559
<v Speaker 1>hear from doctors is it doesn't matter how much water

0:12:09.640 --> 0:12:12.559
<v Speaker 1>you drink, you will never hydrate yourself. You have to

0:12:12.600 --> 0:12:16.080
<v Speaker 1>put electrolytes in the water you have to And I'm like, okay,

0:12:16.080 --> 0:12:18.320
<v Speaker 1>but why has everyone been banging on about water for

0:12:18.360 --> 0:12:20.400
<v Speaker 1>so many years if it doesn't do anything. In fact,

0:12:20.679 --> 0:12:24.960
<v Speaker 1>if you drink too much water, it can make you dehydrated. Yeah,

0:12:25.240 --> 0:12:27.440
<v Speaker 1>so now I'm just gonna snort my electrolytes.

0:12:27.640 --> 0:12:31.400
<v Speaker 4>So I put I use those doctor Nigba electrolytes with

0:12:31.520 --> 0:12:34.120
<v Speaker 4>vitamin C complex or whatever it is, and I put

0:12:34.160 --> 0:12:35.439
<v Speaker 4>a big thing in when I go work out, and

0:12:35.480 --> 0:12:36.839
<v Speaker 4>I drink that whole thing and then I'm like, I'm

0:12:36.840 --> 0:12:38.760
<v Speaker 4>good for the day. I'm sure I should have more.

0:12:38.960 --> 0:12:39.560
<v Speaker 1>I don't think so.

0:12:39.840 --> 0:12:40.440
<v Speaker 4>No, it's enough.

0:12:40.480 --> 0:12:42.240
<v Speaker 1>I mean there's water and everything else we're drinking.

0:12:42.280 --> 0:12:44.160
<v Speaker 4>Although I had a friend who was addicted to diet

0:12:44.160 --> 0:12:46.160
<v Speaker 4>coke and she's like, it's liquid waters.

0:12:47.160 --> 0:12:49.560
<v Speaker 1>Tell me about Okay, go back to the elderly conversation.

0:12:49.679 --> 0:12:52.800
<v Speaker 4>So like in Japan, they revere their elders. The older

0:12:52.800 --> 0:12:54.800
<v Speaker 4>you are, the more respect you get. And that makes

0:12:54.800 --> 0:12:58.280
<v Speaker 4>total sense to me. In Sweden, the elderly are cared

0:12:58.320 --> 0:13:01.560
<v Speaker 4>for in this country, especially because I'm taking care of

0:13:01.679 --> 0:13:05.800
<v Speaker 4>two elderly women. My stepmother is she can't move and

0:13:05.960 --> 0:13:09.240
<v Speaker 4>she has m essay which is multiple systems atrophied. Everything

0:13:09.280 --> 0:13:11.400
<v Speaker 4>is atropheeded. So she you know, you need to feed

0:13:11.400 --> 0:13:13.360
<v Speaker 4>her and what. And I have her in a nursing home.

0:13:13.720 --> 0:13:17.160
<v Speaker 4>But I'm lucky because I can afford it. Insurance doesn't

0:13:17.160 --> 0:13:19.360
<v Speaker 4>pay for a nice one, you know, And I pay

0:13:19.400 --> 0:13:21.040
<v Speaker 4>for a woman to come and see her every day

0:13:21.040 --> 0:13:23.600
<v Speaker 4>because she's way up in Massachusetts and she didn't want

0:13:23.600 --> 0:13:26.160
<v Speaker 4>to move when my dad died. And I just think, like,

0:13:26.280 --> 0:13:29.120
<v Speaker 4>this country doesn't take care of their elders. All the

0:13:29.280 --> 0:13:33.760
<v Speaker 4>old people unless you are financially okay, you're screwed. And

0:13:33.800 --> 0:13:35.640
<v Speaker 4>the young people don't respect the elders at all.

0:13:35.880 --> 0:13:36.160
<v Speaker 3>I know.

0:13:36.880 --> 0:13:39.400
<v Speaker 1>It's a really I noticed that about myself and I

0:13:39.440 --> 0:13:41.199
<v Speaker 1>was like and then I was like, oh, maybe it's

0:13:41.200 --> 0:13:43.520
<v Speaker 1>my own experience with my father, because when he became

0:13:43.559 --> 0:13:45.720
<v Speaker 1>so old, he was just kind of, you know, not

0:13:45.800 --> 0:13:47.719
<v Speaker 1>really there and in a home, and so we'd go

0:13:47.800 --> 0:13:49.320
<v Speaker 1>and visit him and it was like talking to a

0:13:49.320 --> 0:13:52.000
<v Speaker 1>big brick and I was like, well, what's the point

0:13:52.040 --> 0:13:54.679
<v Speaker 1>of this, Like, what's the point of even visiting? And

0:13:54.720 --> 0:13:57.160
<v Speaker 1>my sister's like, it's matters to touch and to talk,

0:13:57.280 --> 0:13:59.400
<v Speaker 1>like it matters, even though he doesn't know what's going

0:13:59.440 --> 0:14:01.840
<v Speaker 1>on really like it's important for you to like give

0:14:01.880 --> 0:14:04.160
<v Speaker 1>him loving words and stuff. And I was like, oh, okay,

0:14:04.200 --> 0:14:06.760
<v Speaker 1>I didn't realize that, but I think I have to

0:14:06.800 --> 0:14:08.280
<v Speaker 1>pay more attention to the elderly.

0:14:08.880 --> 0:14:12.960
<v Speaker 4>Also, my mom has middle stage dementia, and there are

0:14:13.040 --> 0:14:15.840
<v Speaker 4>days where it's brutal, but then there are moments where

0:14:15.880 --> 0:14:19.280
<v Speaker 4>she's really lucid, and the clarity and the little snippets

0:14:19.280 --> 0:14:21.440
<v Speaker 4>of wisdom I had to read because I would get

0:14:21.480 --> 0:14:23.400
<v Speaker 4>angry because I didn't want to see her like that.

0:14:23.800 --> 0:14:26.480
<v Speaker 4>I would be like, stop, you know, because it's your mom.

0:14:27.520 --> 0:14:29.600
<v Speaker 4>But then I decided, Okay, this is where where I

0:14:29.640 --> 0:14:33.920
<v Speaker 4>can't change what's happening to her brain or her age, right,

0:14:34.120 --> 0:14:36.720
<v Speaker 4>this is the natural progression of life. But what I

0:14:36.760 --> 0:14:39.240
<v Speaker 4>can change is my response to it. So one of

0:14:39.280 --> 0:14:41.440
<v Speaker 4>the things I started doing instead of saying, because she

0:14:41.480 --> 0:14:44.240
<v Speaker 4>punishes me for taking her car away, she could not

0:14:44.320 --> 0:14:48.360
<v Speaker 4>drive anywhere, And instead of me getting angry or saying, well, mom,

0:14:48.400 --> 0:14:50.520
<v Speaker 4>you would leave the car on in the garage for

0:14:50.560 --> 0:14:53.040
<v Speaker 4>five hours while you were home. You understand you can't

0:14:53.120 --> 0:14:57.600
<v Speaker 4>drive on, instead, I go, you know what, that must

0:14:57.640 --> 0:14:59.760
<v Speaker 4>be really hard when you're used to being independent your

0:14:59.800 --> 0:15:01.920
<v Speaker 4>whole life and having that taken away. I have such

0:15:01.960 --> 0:15:04.720
<v Speaker 4>empathy for it. And she just looked and she goes, oh,

0:15:04.760 --> 0:15:09.240
<v Speaker 4>thank you. It stopped the fighting and it stopped It

0:15:09.360 --> 0:15:13.840
<v Speaker 4>made our moments together joyful rather than tense, which they

0:15:13.880 --> 0:15:16.200
<v Speaker 4>were in the beginning, because it was a very difficult

0:15:16.200 --> 0:15:19.920
<v Speaker 4>transition to go from an independent woman to assisted living.

0:15:20.120 --> 0:15:24.080
<v Speaker 4>I mean, she was mortified in her lucid moments. But

0:15:24.320 --> 0:15:27.600
<v Speaker 4>I tell you, I am restructuring my brain on how

0:15:27.640 --> 0:15:31.880
<v Speaker 4>to respond even to my stepmother, who hallucinates great shit.

0:15:32.360 --> 0:15:35.320
<v Speaker 4>She I mean, I went to see her last week

0:15:35.400 --> 0:15:38.240
<v Speaker 4>and she said, oh, your sister is such a bitch.

0:15:38.880 --> 0:15:42.640
<v Speaker 4>My sister lives in Los Angeles. And I said, and Vicky,

0:15:42.920 --> 0:15:44.480
<v Speaker 4>my step mother can't talk on the phone because she

0:15:44.520 --> 0:15:46.920
<v Speaker 4>can't hear and she can't pick up the phone. And well,

0:15:46.960 --> 0:15:49.000
<v Speaker 4>she was sitting right there in that chair this morning

0:15:49.000 --> 0:15:53.200
<v Speaker 4>and told me I looked fat and old. And I said, oh, Vicky,

0:15:53.280 --> 0:15:55.880
<v Speaker 4>she even if she thought that, I pretty I'm pretty

0:15:55.880 --> 0:15:58.200
<v Speaker 4>sure she wouldn't say that to you. And also she

0:15:58.240 --> 0:16:00.880
<v Speaker 4>lives in California. Nope, I was sitting right there. And

0:16:00.920 --> 0:16:04.440
<v Speaker 4>then I said, VICKI think about it. Maybe you're projecting

0:16:04.440 --> 0:16:07.400
<v Speaker 4>how you feel about yourself and you're putting it onto her.

0:16:07.680 --> 0:16:10.240
<v Speaker 4>And she had this incredibly lucid moment. She goes, she

0:16:10.320 --> 0:16:14.400
<v Speaker 4>calls me Julie. She goes, Julie, Oh my god, you're right.

0:16:15.120 --> 0:16:16.160
<v Speaker 4>It's how I feel.

0:16:18.120 --> 0:16:19.600
<v Speaker 1>And I just thought, like, this is great.

0:16:19.640 --> 0:16:22.720
<v Speaker 4>This is great material for writing, this is great material

0:16:22.760 --> 0:16:24.840
<v Speaker 4>for a life lesson, Like, I'm not going to get

0:16:24.880 --> 0:16:26.800
<v Speaker 4>angry at her because she called my sister a bitch.

0:16:26.840 --> 0:16:29.400
<v Speaker 4>I know she doesn't mean it. My sister certainly isn't

0:16:29.400 --> 0:16:31.600
<v Speaker 4>a bitch. And my sister wasn't even there. This is

0:16:31.640 --> 0:16:35.080
<v Speaker 4>all in her head and it's theater. It's like I

0:16:35.120 --> 0:16:37.440
<v Speaker 4>sit there and I watch her. I mean, she told

0:16:37.480 --> 0:16:39.400
<v Speaker 4>me she was writing a book. I said, you are.

0:16:39.720 --> 0:16:41.400
<v Speaker 4>I'm not going to tell you the title. It's great,

0:16:41.480 --> 0:16:44.880
<v Speaker 4>you'll steal it. And I said, no, no, I'm good,

0:16:44.920 --> 0:16:47.000
<v Speaker 4>vic I'm not going to steal it, but don't tell

0:16:47.040 --> 0:16:48.320
<v Speaker 4>me if you don't want. She goes, well, hold on,

0:16:48.400 --> 0:16:50.800
<v Speaker 4>let me ask how. And I thought how was like

0:16:50.800 --> 0:16:54.360
<v Speaker 4>a nurse's aid or somebody. And she leans over sort

0:16:54.360 --> 0:16:56.360
<v Speaker 4>of with her neck, and then she looks at me.

0:16:56.440 --> 0:16:58.880
<v Speaker 4>She said, Hell says it's okay, And I go, oh,

0:16:59.120 --> 0:17:03.600
<v Speaker 4>is hell here? And she goes, of course, like I'm

0:17:03.600 --> 0:17:05.880
<v Speaker 4>an asshole, and I said, I'm so sorry I didn't

0:17:05.880 --> 0:17:08.840
<v Speaker 4>see him. And here's the title of the book. Now,

0:17:09.200 --> 0:17:11.119
<v Speaker 4>how can this happen? Okay, the title of the book

0:17:11.200 --> 0:17:14.560
<v Speaker 4>is Placido Domingo Sings in the Furnished Basement.

0:17:14.880 --> 0:17:16.720
<v Speaker 1>That's so funny, man. I used to do that shit

0:17:16.800 --> 0:17:20.000
<v Speaker 1>all the time, writing books, writing books, writing books. I

0:17:20.040 --> 0:17:22.280
<v Speaker 1>wonder if that's something that comes when you're older and

0:17:22.320 --> 0:17:24.840
<v Speaker 1>you have dementia, that you think you're like whatever you

0:17:24.880 --> 0:17:26.760
<v Speaker 1>wished you were right, you become.

0:17:27.040 --> 0:17:30.080
<v Speaker 4>She loved Placido Domingo and she was an a cheerier designer.

0:17:30.119 --> 0:17:32.280
<v Speaker 4>She likes to redo a basement, so maybe it's also

0:17:33.000 --> 0:17:37.960
<v Speaker 4>her mind realizing it has to keep itself company, you know.

0:17:38.040 --> 0:17:41.080
<v Speaker 4>So maybe she's keeping herself company. So instead of me

0:17:41.119 --> 0:17:43.000
<v Speaker 4>walking out of their feeling depressed, which is how I

0:17:43.080 --> 0:17:44.560
<v Speaker 4>used to feel all the time, or I'd look up

0:17:44.600 --> 0:17:47.760
<v Speaker 4>and be like Jesus Christ, Dad, seriously, you left me

0:17:47.800 --> 0:17:50.679
<v Speaker 4>this because it's a lot, and I always feel guilty

0:17:50.680 --> 0:17:54.280
<v Speaker 4>for not doing more. Instead, I like, I drive back

0:17:54.680 --> 0:17:58.399
<v Speaker 4>to the city laughing because I'm like, that was such

0:17:58.440 --> 0:18:01.280
<v Speaker 4>great entertainment and I will use it one day. For sure.

0:18:01.280 --> 0:18:05.200
<v Speaker 4>I'm going to write a book called Placido Domingos Things.

0:18:05.600 --> 0:18:07.399
<v Speaker 2>I'll send you a copy of this book. But in

0:18:07.440 --> 0:18:10.760
<v Speaker 2>a past life, I was a ghostwriter for people who

0:18:10.840 --> 0:18:14.480
<v Speaker 2>work with Alzheimer's patients and dementia patients. And that's actually

0:18:14.600 --> 0:18:17.720
<v Speaker 2>exactly what they recommend that you do. Is rather than saying, like,

0:18:17.800 --> 0:18:19.600
<v Speaker 2>you know, if they're asking about their husband, like oh,

0:18:19.640 --> 0:18:21.720
<v Speaker 2>he died several years ago, then they go through this

0:18:21.800 --> 0:18:24.600
<v Speaker 2>whole grief stage all over again, you just say, oh,

0:18:24.600 --> 0:18:27.919
<v Speaker 2>I haven't seen him today. Change the subject. You know,

0:18:28.040 --> 0:18:34.240
<v Speaker 2>it's this response in a different way, just go yeah, yeah, exactly.

0:18:34.520 --> 0:18:37.320
<v Speaker 2>But I'll send you a book by Joe Huey. She

0:18:37.560 --> 0:18:39.720
<v Speaker 2>was one of the most wonderful experts that we worked

0:18:39.760 --> 0:18:42.000
<v Speaker 2>with and went through it with her own mother and

0:18:42.040 --> 0:18:43.720
<v Speaker 2>developed all these amazing strategies.

0:18:44.320 --> 0:18:46.439
<v Speaker 4>Oh wonder, I didn't know that you did that note.

0:18:46.520 --> 0:18:47.880
<v Speaker 4>That's fascinating. Yeah.

0:18:48.000 --> 0:18:50.119
<v Speaker 1>When you said previous life, I thought you were talking

0:18:50.119 --> 0:18:52.320
<v Speaker 1>seriously about a previous life. I'm like, well, I just

0:18:52.320 --> 0:18:55.480
<v Speaker 1>pretty specific. First, are we going there?

0:18:57.680 --> 0:18:58.440
<v Speaker 4>Passwork life?

0:18:58.680 --> 0:19:00.560
<v Speaker 1>It's a bit much at the top of the show.

0:19:00.400 --> 0:19:04.199
<v Speaker 4>No, thank you, But I do think it's about art.

0:19:04.560 --> 0:19:07.919
<v Speaker 4>It's about how what our responses are with anything. Obviously

0:19:08.280 --> 0:19:10.840
<v Speaker 4>it's your response to it. And the elderly need to

0:19:10.840 --> 0:19:14.439
<v Speaker 4>be respected and loved, you really do. And they're baddy

0:19:14.520 --> 0:19:17.000
<v Speaker 4>and crazy some of them, and some of them aren't.

0:19:17.080 --> 0:19:19.480
<v Speaker 4>Like some of them are completely lucid and have the

0:19:19.480 --> 0:19:20.520
<v Speaker 4>best advice to give.

0:19:20.920 --> 0:19:22.840
<v Speaker 1>Like my friend's dad just died and she was telling

0:19:22.880 --> 0:19:24.879
<v Speaker 1>me how he was. You know, they were sitting together.

0:19:25.080 --> 0:19:27.919
<v Speaker 1>Obviously that's a different situation when someone's passing, but they

0:19:27.920 --> 0:19:29.720
<v Speaker 1>were sitting together and she's like, yeah, you know, I

0:19:29.720 --> 0:19:31.760
<v Speaker 1>had to change his diapers five days in a row.

0:19:31.800 --> 0:19:33.879
<v Speaker 1>And I'm like, I don't know that I would do that.

0:19:33.960 --> 0:19:35.760
<v Speaker 1>She goes, of course you would do it, Chelsea, and

0:19:35.800 --> 0:19:38.280
<v Speaker 1>I'm like, I don't know that I would. I would

0:19:38.400 --> 0:19:40.800
<v Speaker 1>probably have somebody else do that. Like I don't think

0:19:40.840 --> 0:19:43.560
<v Speaker 1>I could handle changing my father's diaper. I don't think

0:19:43.560 --> 0:19:45.600
<v Speaker 1>I could either, and I wish I could, but I

0:19:45.640 --> 0:19:48.440
<v Speaker 1>don't think that that's I would be dishonest to pretend

0:19:48.480 --> 0:19:49.280
<v Speaker 1>that I think I could do.

0:19:49.359 --> 0:19:51.280
<v Speaker 4>Although you never know until you're you know. I always

0:19:51.280 --> 0:19:53.640
<v Speaker 4>say to my husband every time after I visit my stepmother,

0:19:53.640 --> 0:19:55.919
<v Speaker 4>because my mother's living a beautiful life and she walks

0:19:55.920 --> 0:19:58.879
<v Speaker 4>and still teach us at this place, like she's living

0:19:58.880 --> 0:20:01.000
<v Speaker 4>a full life. But my stepmother's in a bed, you know,

0:20:01.160 --> 0:20:03.640
<v Speaker 4>in a nursing home and can't move. And I every

0:20:03.640 --> 0:20:05.359
<v Speaker 4>time I come home, I say to him, if I

0:20:05.400 --> 0:20:08.399
<v Speaker 4>cannot wipe my own ass, please just put a pillow

0:20:08.440 --> 0:20:12.720
<v Speaker 4>over my head and kill me. And he's very philosophical

0:20:12.720 --> 0:20:14.600
<v Speaker 4>about always goes. You know, you never know until you're

0:20:14.640 --> 0:20:17.200
<v Speaker 4>in their shoes. You just don't know. Maybe she actually

0:20:17.640 --> 0:20:20.720
<v Speaker 4>is enjoying her life. You know, people are doting on her,

0:20:21.200 --> 0:20:23.280
<v Speaker 4>everyone's around her. She doesn't have to lift a finger.

0:20:23.359 --> 0:20:25.400
<v Speaker 4>She certainly doesn't have to cook, clean or make her bed.

0:20:26.000 --> 0:20:27.800
<v Speaker 4>And he goes. You just don't know until you get there.

0:20:27.880 --> 0:20:30.639
<v Speaker 4>But I do believe you don't know until you're.

0:20:30.520 --> 0:20:32.720
<v Speaker 1>There that I would clean somebody's shit up, or if

0:20:32.760 --> 0:20:35.320
<v Speaker 1>I would enjoy myself, if I would enjoy shitting my

0:20:35.400 --> 0:20:37.159
<v Speaker 1>own pants. Is that what you're saying?

0:20:37.280 --> 0:20:39.960
<v Speaker 4>Ay, I don't think you would enjoy shitting your own pants,

0:20:39.960 --> 0:20:42.040
<v Speaker 4>but be when you're at the point of shitting your

0:20:42.040 --> 0:20:43.360
<v Speaker 4>own pants. I don't think you know.

0:20:44.000 --> 0:20:46.879
<v Speaker 1>Right, But you could be happy, as your argument.

0:20:46.680 --> 0:20:48.960
<v Speaker 4>Or my argument is not that I would ever be

0:20:49.080 --> 0:20:52.080
<v Speaker 4>happy cleaning up someone's shit, I'd probably vomit a little bit.

0:20:52.560 --> 0:20:55.440
<v Speaker 4>But I think if you love someone, yeah, and you

0:20:55.640 --> 0:20:58.520
<v Speaker 4>get over the first few times of it, it becomes listen,

0:20:58.560 --> 0:21:01.920
<v Speaker 4>look what That's why nurse are my heroes. Yeah, they're

0:21:01.920 --> 0:21:04.960
<v Speaker 4>my heroes. Look what they do, I know, and they

0:21:05.000 --> 0:21:06.440
<v Speaker 4>do it without blinking.

0:21:06.680 --> 0:21:06.879
<v Speaker 1>I know.

0:21:07.080 --> 0:21:09.400
<v Speaker 4>And the smells that are in the it is.

0:21:09.440 --> 0:21:10.840
<v Speaker 1>But you are right. I think if you do clean

0:21:10.920 --> 0:21:13.119
<v Speaker 1>up someone's shit a couple of times, it probably isn't

0:21:13.160 --> 0:21:15.000
<v Speaker 1>so traumatizing the fourth or.

0:21:15.000 --> 0:21:17.840
<v Speaker 4>Fifth Yeah, yeah, I.

0:21:17.840 --> 0:21:24.480
<v Speaker 1>Mean, no, let's switch topics. I want to give it

0:21:24.640 --> 0:21:27.400
<v Speaker 1>okay because that was a lot of poop, yeah, and

0:21:27.680 --> 0:21:29.879
<v Speaker 1>a lot of elderly talk. But we're going to revere

0:21:29.920 --> 0:21:31.879
<v Speaker 1>our elderly, or at least I'm going to make a

0:21:31.960 --> 0:21:35.040
<v Speaker 1>bigger effort to revere my elderly. I need to get

0:21:35.040 --> 0:21:36.320
<v Speaker 1>more elderly people in my life.

0:21:36.480 --> 0:21:37.320
<v Speaker 4>Well, you've got me.

0:21:39.720 --> 0:21:41.600
<v Speaker 1>I know that you. You already mentioned that you've been

0:21:41.600 --> 0:21:45.560
<v Speaker 1>moonlighting by listening to Julia Louis Dreyfus's podcast, which we'll accept,

0:21:45.600 --> 0:21:48.240
<v Speaker 1>but we also I have intel that you were called

0:21:48.280 --> 0:21:51.320
<v Speaker 1>into Sarah Silverman's podcast and left a message.

0:21:51.400 --> 0:21:55.880
<v Speaker 4>I did, I did, I was given that private friends

0:21:56.359 --> 0:21:59.760
<v Speaker 4>friend's number, and I did not use it because I

0:21:59.800 --> 0:22:02.119
<v Speaker 4>felt like it was weird. I was like, I'm just

0:22:02.160 --> 0:22:05.560
<v Speaker 4>a caller. I'm a listener. I listen and I love her.

0:22:06.119 --> 0:22:09.959
<v Speaker 4>And I just was listening to how anxious people are

0:22:10.000 --> 0:22:13.720
<v Speaker 4>about the rise of anti Semitism. It's gone up seventy

0:22:13.760 --> 0:22:16.240
<v Speaker 4>seven percent. I saw that in the last two years,

0:22:16.240 --> 0:22:19.399
<v Speaker 4>and it is frightening. And it's not just a Jewish problem,

0:22:19.520 --> 0:22:23.080
<v Speaker 4>it's a universal problem. And I listened to podcasts all

0:22:23.080 --> 0:22:24.760
<v Speaker 4>the time because I'm always in the kitchen by myself,

0:22:24.800 --> 0:22:27.040
<v Speaker 4>and it's like I have my friends with me. And

0:22:27.119 --> 0:22:28.960
<v Speaker 4>so I called in. I looked it up on the

0:22:29.000 --> 0:22:31.680
<v Speaker 4>computer and then I left a message and I just said,

0:22:31.680 --> 0:22:33.920
<v Speaker 4>I am hearing everybody, and I feel like I felt

0:22:33.960 --> 0:22:36.840
<v Speaker 4>the same way, and I took a step to do

0:22:36.920 --> 0:22:39.199
<v Speaker 4>something about it rather than complain about it. And I

0:22:39.200 --> 0:22:41.159
<v Speaker 4>feel like you can reach out into your own community

0:22:41.560 --> 0:22:43.840
<v Speaker 4>and do something. And what I decided to do was

0:22:43.960 --> 0:22:48.159
<v Speaker 4>just educate, because I think anti Semitism is ignorance. And

0:22:48.240 --> 0:22:51.560
<v Speaker 4>if we educate our children, because only nineteen out of

0:22:51.560 --> 0:22:55.600
<v Speaker 4>fifty states in our country teach about the Holocaust, so

0:22:55.640 --> 0:22:59.080
<v Speaker 4>we need to start educating and it's been an incredible

0:22:59.160 --> 0:23:01.680
<v Speaker 4>journey and it's true bold and size in two years

0:23:01.800 --> 0:23:04.520
<v Speaker 4>my program, and I just feel like you can reach

0:23:04.600 --> 0:23:07.160
<v Speaker 4>out into your own community and do something rather than

0:23:07.600 --> 0:23:11.000
<v Speaker 4>sit by or sit back and feel afraid. And I

0:23:11.040 --> 0:23:15.080
<v Speaker 4>had no idea how many people feel the same way,

0:23:15.160 --> 0:23:19.320
<v Speaker 4>because when I reached out to everyone, I knew to

0:23:19.320 --> 0:23:22.280
<v Speaker 4>tell them about this program HESP that I started with

0:23:22.359 --> 0:23:27.440
<v Speaker 4>interns teaching middle and high school students. Everyone responded, everyone donated,

0:23:27.480 --> 0:23:30.960
<v Speaker 4>whether it was one hundred dollars or thirty five thousand dollars.

0:23:31.000 --> 0:23:34.560
<v Speaker 4>It was unbelievable. And within three weeks we have two

0:23:34.600 --> 0:23:38.600
<v Speaker 4>more years set up already. Wow with ten instead of

0:23:38.680 --> 0:23:40.800
<v Speaker 4>six in terms, we have ten now, so that'll reach

0:23:41.280 --> 0:23:43.600
<v Speaker 4>that'll reach sixty five hundred students.

0:23:43.720 --> 0:23:46.479
<v Speaker 1>And how did you work to conceptualize that with? I mean,

0:23:46.840 --> 0:23:48.000
<v Speaker 1>did you do that with somebody else?

0:23:48.160 --> 0:23:50.119
<v Speaker 4>I did it with the Museum of Jewish Heritage here

0:23:50.119 --> 0:23:53.199
<v Speaker 4>in New York because I happened to know if you

0:23:53.240 --> 0:23:56.000
<v Speaker 4>ever go to any of the Jewish museums across this country,

0:23:56.880 --> 0:24:00.400
<v Speaker 4>nine out of ten times is usually me touring. Get

0:24:00.400 --> 0:24:03.280
<v Speaker 4>I give my voice to them, and I do the tours. Really,

0:24:03.480 --> 0:24:05.040
<v Speaker 4>so when you put on the little yeah.

0:24:04.880 --> 0:24:07.040
<v Speaker 1>Yeah, Julia, and his voice is all over the world.

0:24:07.520 --> 0:24:09.919
<v Speaker 1>You never know, but you're always listening to Juliana. She

0:24:09.920 --> 0:24:11.280
<v Speaker 1>does a lot of voiceovers.

0:24:11.680 --> 0:24:13.879
<v Speaker 4>So it's one of the things I give because I

0:24:13.880 --> 0:24:16.479
<v Speaker 4>feel so blessed to be in the position I'm in.

0:24:16.560 --> 0:24:19.240
<v Speaker 4>So whenever they ask, I'm like, yeah, of course, let me.

0:24:19.520 --> 0:24:21.760
<v Speaker 4>I'll be your the tour guide for the new exhibit.

0:24:22.320 --> 0:24:25.159
<v Speaker 4>Did you ever read that book that Jodie Picot wrote

0:24:25.280 --> 0:24:27.280
<v Speaker 4>called Small Great Things? Yeah?

0:24:27.320 --> 0:24:28.159
<v Speaker 1>I think so.

0:24:28.160 --> 0:24:31.600
<v Speaker 4>So remember so that so Small Great Things is Martin

0:24:31.640 --> 0:24:35.159
<v Speaker 4>Luther King said you can't do big great things, but

0:24:35.200 --> 0:24:37.119
<v Speaker 4>you can do small great things. That's where the title

0:24:37.160 --> 0:24:41.399
<v Speaker 4>came from, which is how I feel about HESP. I'm like, okay, well,

0:24:41.440 --> 0:24:45.560
<v Speaker 4>and so I called him after I did this hosting

0:24:45.560 --> 0:24:48.160
<v Speaker 4>for CBS. I didn't think i'd get paid. I mean,

0:24:48.200 --> 0:24:50.560
<v Speaker 4>it was, of course a labor of love. But they did.

0:24:50.680 --> 0:24:52.879
<v Speaker 4>They paid me, and I wouldn't. I was like, that's crazy,

0:24:52.920 --> 0:24:55.639
<v Speaker 4>you can't, like, let's put that money to something. So

0:24:55.680 --> 0:24:58.399
<v Speaker 4>I called Jack Kleeger and I said, I want to

0:24:58.480 --> 0:25:01.399
<v Speaker 4>start an education program. Help me. Here's the money I

0:25:01.480 --> 0:25:04.000
<v Speaker 4>made from this thing, which was more money than I

0:25:04.040 --> 0:25:06.679
<v Speaker 4>thought i'd have, so I gave him the one hundred

0:25:06.720 --> 0:25:09.879
<v Speaker 4>grand and I said, let's start an education program. So

0:25:09.920 --> 0:25:13.400
<v Speaker 4>he and I sat down, because they have amazing Holocaust

0:25:14.040 --> 0:25:19.280
<v Speaker 4>historians there. So this program, we do an eight day

0:25:19.320 --> 0:25:22.520
<v Speaker 4>intensive training on how to teach about the Holocaust, and

0:25:22.560 --> 0:25:26.120
<v Speaker 4>then we send our interns out to all these schools,

0:25:26.160 --> 0:25:28.480
<v Speaker 4>mostly in the outer boroughs, and they teach middle to

0:25:28.520 --> 0:25:31.360
<v Speaker 4>high school students, all age appropriate. You know, we don't

0:25:31.400 --> 0:25:35.359
<v Speaker 4>go lower than middle school because it's tough. The younger

0:25:35.440 --> 0:25:37.560
<v Speaker 4>children don't need to know yet, but they do need

0:25:37.560 --> 0:25:41.320
<v Speaker 4>to know in seventh and eighth grade. And then after

0:25:41.440 --> 0:25:44.040
<v Speaker 4>the one hour class, we bust them all and all

0:25:44.040 --> 0:25:46.800
<v Speaker 4>of this is free. We bust them to the museum

0:25:47.080 --> 0:25:48.800
<v Speaker 4>and so then they can see what they've just heard

0:25:48.840 --> 0:25:49.639
<v Speaker 4>about and learned.

0:25:49.720 --> 0:25:52.560
<v Speaker 1>And are these non Jewish kids or Jewish kids?

0:25:52.760 --> 0:25:55.360
<v Speaker 4>Also the kids were teaching, uh huh, most of them

0:25:55.359 --> 0:25:57.919
<v Speaker 4>are non Jewish. There was a little boy in the

0:25:57.920 --> 0:26:01.080
<v Speaker 4>Bronx eighth grade and this little boy said, wow, so

0:26:01.680 --> 0:26:05.320
<v Speaker 4>six million Jews died in the Holocaust? Are there any left?

0:26:06.000 --> 0:26:08.720
<v Speaker 4>He didn't know, and he's what are you in eighth grade?

0:26:08.760 --> 0:26:11.960
<v Speaker 4>Twelve thirteen years old? So it's just lack of education,

0:26:12.119 --> 0:26:15.480
<v Speaker 4>and I feel like if we teach our kids young enough,

0:26:15.560 --> 0:26:17.879
<v Speaker 4>when they get old enough, because part of that book,

0:26:17.920 --> 0:26:21.719
<v Speaker 4>Small Great Things, which I found quite remarkable, was to

0:26:21.760 --> 0:26:25.600
<v Speaker 4>see the white supremacist side. She goes in there and

0:26:25.640 --> 0:26:28.280
<v Speaker 4>she sees the white supremacist side, and most of the

0:26:28.359 --> 0:26:33.080
<v Speaker 4>kids who are in these families were abandoned, had alcoholic

0:26:33.280 --> 0:26:35.520
<v Speaker 4>parents who didn't give a shit about them, and the

0:26:35.520 --> 0:26:38.719
<v Speaker 4>white supremacist said, you'll have a family with us, and

0:26:38.760 --> 0:26:42.159
<v Speaker 4>then they grow up with the hate learning they don't know,

0:26:42.880 --> 0:26:44.760
<v Speaker 4>but that's what they're taught. But they feel the love

0:26:44.800 --> 0:26:47.480
<v Speaker 4>from these people, and that's then what they vomit out

0:26:47.520 --> 0:26:48.040
<v Speaker 4>to the world.

0:26:48.080 --> 0:26:50.479
<v Speaker 1>And we only have fifteen million Jews left in this

0:26:50.600 --> 0:26:51.680
<v Speaker 1>whole world.

0:26:51.560 --> 0:26:54.119
<v Speaker 4>And the survivors are dying out. So part of this program,

0:26:54.200 --> 0:26:58.080
<v Speaker 4>which we are slowly taking to the national stage, the

0:26:58.160 --> 0:27:01.159
<v Speaker 4>idea is that this is a blueprint because it is working.

0:27:01.240 --> 0:27:04.639
<v Speaker 4>And I've now partnered with the AJC American Jewish Committee,

0:27:04.800 --> 0:27:06.720
<v Speaker 4>so we're going to start with the eastern seaports, so

0:27:06.720 --> 0:27:09.320
<v Speaker 4>we're going to spread it out to Connecticut, New Jersey

0:27:09.480 --> 0:27:12.879
<v Speaker 4>down to Washington and then hopefully spread it across the

0:27:12.880 --> 0:27:17.359
<v Speaker 4>country in rural places in Kentucky and Oklahoma and all

0:27:17.400 --> 0:27:21.560
<v Speaker 4>the places that never teach about Honestly, it's just history itself,

0:27:21.680 --> 0:27:24.159
<v Speaker 4>and if we don't teach about it, it will repeat itself.

0:27:24.240 --> 0:27:28.200
<v Speaker 4>So the idea is never again. But I feel strongly

0:27:28.400 --> 0:27:32.680
<v Speaker 4>for the children, grandchildren and great grandchildren of Holocaust survivors.

0:27:32.720 --> 0:27:35.440
<v Speaker 4>Because the survivors are dying out, you know, there's only

0:27:35.440 --> 0:27:38.920
<v Speaker 4>a few left. It is now their responsibility to make

0:27:38.960 --> 0:27:42.040
<v Speaker 4>sure that memory stays alive and to spread the word

0:27:42.400 --> 0:27:45.399
<v Speaker 4>that this can never happen again, and to share the

0:27:45.440 --> 0:27:48.520
<v Speaker 4>stories that their grandparents and great grandparents told them as children.

0:27:49.160 --> 0:27:51.360
<v Speaker 4>And one of the reasons why I think my program

0:27:51.440 --> 0:27:54.760
<v Speaker 4>is working is because we bring in these hip, young

0:27:54.840 --> 0:27:58.000
<v Speaker 4>college and graduate students to teach. Right, so high school

0:27:58.000 --> 0:28:01.640
<v Speaker 4>students in middle school kids love a young, hip teacher.

0:28:02.160 --> 0:28:03.560
<v Speaker 4>I don't know if they're hip, but to them they are.

0:28:03.560 --> 0:28:07.280
<v Speaker 4>You know, they're young, They're not like I know. I

0:28:07.320 --> 0:28:09.679
<v Speaker 4>said the word slay you slayed it the other day

0:28:09.720 --> 0:28:11.720
<v Speaker 4>and my son, my son looked at me and goes, oh,

0:28:11.760 --> 0:28:17.720
<v Speaker 4>my god, don't ever say that word. So my hope

0:28:17.760 --> 0:28:20.760
<v Speaker 4>is to get these great grandchildren into these classrooms to

0:28:20.840 --> 0:28:24.359
<v Speaker 4>talk about their great grandparents to tell the story because

0:28:24.359 --> 0:28:28.640
<v Speaker 4>it's the Holocaust deniers. It's just so bizarre that they're

0:28:28.680 --> 0:28:32.919
<v Speaker 4>just denying what has been archived for eighty years. But

0:28:33.080 --> 0:28:36.520
<v Speaker 4>anyway to say when they grow up, to say no, no,

0:28:36.600 --> 0:28:39.440
<v Speaker 4>that's not true, when they start hearing all that stuff,

0:28:39.560 --> 0:28:42.240
<v Speaker 4>go no, no, no, that's not true. But also to

0:28:42.360 --> 0:28:46.280
<v Speaker 4>turn it into something else, which is in October it

0:28:46.280 --> 0:28:49.120
<v Speaker 4>will be the eightieth anniversary of the Great Danish Rescue.

0:28:49.640 --> 0:28:54.000
<v Speaker 4>The Danes were incredible in World War Two. They rescued

0:28:54.040 --> 0:28:58.560
<v Speaker 4>seventy five hundred Jews by themselves in boats. And we

0:28:58.640 --> 0:29:01.200
<v Speaker 4>have the boat at the museum. It's in Connecticut, Mystic

0:29:01.200 --> 0:29:05.000
<v Speaker 4>Connecticut right now. And it was children, families rescue them

0:29:05.000 --> 0:29:08.200
<v Speaker 4>from where, rescue them from the Nazis from where Denmark

0:29:08.240 --> 0:29:12.240
<v Speaker 4>to Sweden, oh oh, at midnight in boats, back and forth,

0:29:12.280 --> 0:29:14.080
<v Speaker 4>back and forth, back and forth. And we're doing a

0:29:14.080 --> 0:29:17.680
<v Speaker 4>great exhibit actually in October at the museum for it.

0:29:17.760 --> 0:29:21.400
<v Speaker 4>But I was saying to the board there because I

0:29:21.400 --> 0:29:24.920
<v Speaker 4>wanted this to become a bigger and bigger program. I said,

0:29:24.920 --> 0:29:27.920
<v Speaker 4>you know what, movies, the movies that are huge that

0:29:28.040 --> 0:29:31.520
<v Speaker 4>kids go to are all about heroes. The Danes who

0:29:31.560 --> 0:29:35.040
<v Speaker 4>rescued these Jews who called them our brothers, our Danish

0:29:35.120 --> 0:29:37.680
<v Speaker 4>brothers and sisters, you know, and we will protect you.

0:29:38.520 --> 0:29:41.520
<v Speaker 4>They were heroes. So let's make this about being a

0:29:41.520 --> 0:29:44.640
<v Speaker 4>hero standing up to evil as opposed to it becoming

0:29:44.680 --> 0:29:50.680
<v Speaker 4>too political or too religious. Kids understand a hero, they

0:29:50.720 --> 0:29:54.240
<v Speaker 4>love going to see Marvel movies, which is all about heroes.

0:29:54.960 --> 0:29:58.239
<v Speaker 4>Let's make this about a heroic act to stand up

0:29:58.280 --> 0:30:01.680
<v Speaker 4>to someone who's anti Semitic. So I don't know, We're trying,

0:30:01.720 --> 0:30:02.760
<v Speaker 4>and it's we're starting.

0:30:02.840 --> 0:30:07.680
<v Speaker 1>How can our listeners learn more about HESSP, which means

0:30:08.120 --> 0:30:10.120
<v Speaker 1>at the end HESP H E s P.

0:30:10.520 --> 0:30:13.240
<v Speaker 4>I call my interns, my hespians. If you just go

0:30:13.440 --> 0:30:17.800
<v Speaker 4>on to the Museum of Jewish Heritage dot org and

0:30:18.000 --> 0:30:21.880
<v Speaker 4>type in HESP H e SP or the hes program,

0:30:22.000 --> 0:30:22.880
<v Speaker 4>you go right to it.

0:30:23.000 --> 0:30:25.440
<v Speaker 1>Yeah, Sarah Silverman is going to be very interested in this.

0:30:25.520 --> 0:30:26.280
<v Speaker 1>Does she know about it?

0:30:26.320 --> 0:30:28.960
<v Speaker 4>She's amazing. And can I just say, of all my

0:30:29.120 --> 0:30:32.280
<v Speaker 4>Hollywood friends like you and Sarah, when I sent out

0:30:32.280 --> 0:30:36.920
<v Speaker 4>that email, not only responded right away, but donated right away.

0:30:36.960 --> 0:30:39.920
<v Speaker 4>And I have to tell you I was really touched.

0:30:40.000 --> 0:30:43.960
<v Speaker 4>That was really touching because not a lot of Hollywood

0:30:43.960 --> 0:30:44.600
<v Speaker 4>has responded.

0:30:45.080 --> 0:30:46.959
<v Speaker 1>Oh, that's really disappointing.

0:30:46.560 --> 0:30:50.240
<v Speaker 4>Really disappointing. But you guys did and and all my

0:30:50.440 --> 0:30:52.640
<v Speaker 4>you know, I mean every parent at my kid's school

0:30:52.680 --> 0:30:56.400
<v Speaker 4>and friends and family, but you guys like were the

0:30:56.400 --> 0:30:57.600
<v Speaker 4>first ones to donate.

0:30:57.720 --> 0:30:59.040
<v Speaker 1>Did you watch Sarah's new special?

0:30:59.320 --> 0:31:00.760
<v Speaker 4>I haven't seen it. You have to stay in her.

0:31:00.720 --> 0:31:03.600
<v Speaker 1>New specials on HBO. Everybody needs to watch there as

0:31:03.600 --> 0:31:06.800
<v Speaker 1>a new special. It's fucking so smart. You know what's

0:31:06.840 --> 0:31:08.480
<v Speaker 1>so great about I was at her house to watch

0:31:08.520 --> 0:31:10.200
<v Speaker 1>it because she didn't want to watch it. I was like,

0:31:10.280 --> 0:31:12.120
<v Speaker 1>we're watching it with a group of people, like, this

0:31:12.240 --> 0:31:14.520
<v Speaker 1>is your special. She hasn't had one in five years.

0:31:14.640 --> 0:31:16.760
<v Speaker 1>So we went over there and a bunch of people

0:31:16.800 --> 0:31:19.680
<v Speaker 1>came over and we sat there. And what's so special

0:31:19.720 --> 0:31:23.720
<v Speaker 1>about Sarah is she's never talking about herself. Yeah, she's

0:31:23.720 --> 0:31:27.720
<v Speaker 1>writing jokes like old school comedians, like some people. There's

0:31:27.760 --> 0:31:29.600
<v Speaker 1>some people out there that do that, like Tig and

0:31:29.720 --> 0:31:32.520
<v Speaker 1>zach Alifanakis and a couple of others. But most of

0:31:32.600 --> 0:31:35.400
<v Speaker 1>us are just telling our stories, and Sarah is just

0:31:35.600 --> 0:31:39.680
<v Speaker 1>writing jokes that are silly and brilliant at the same time.

0:31:40.000 --> 0:31:42.680
<v Speaker 1>You know, she can make a fart joke brilliant she's

0:31:42.880 --> 0:31:43.400
<v Speaker 1>so good.

0:31:43.760 --> 0:31:45.440
<v Speaker 4>Did she come to New York already with her show?

0:31:45.480 --> 0:31:47.720
<v Speaker 4>I missed it? How did I miss that? Did she come?

0:31:47.800 --> 0:31:49.880
<v Speaker 1>She came to New York? She doesn't. She doesn't tour

0:31:50.200 --> 0:31:52.360
<v Speaker 1>like I know. She very often, she hates it. She's

0:31:52.360 --> 0:31:55.520
<v Speaker 1>a home She and I couldn't be any more different.

0:31:56.040 --> 0:31:57.760
<v Speaker 4>I know. But do you know what I love about you? Guys?

0:31:57.800 --> 0:32:00.200
<v Speaker 4>The two of you are so supportive of other comedian

0:32:00.560 --> 0:32:03.160
<v Speaker 4>because I always see it in the comedian world. You

0:32:03.200 --> 0:32:06.640
<v Speaker 4>all support each other, and so many times I feel

0:32:06.640 --> 0:32:09.760
<v Speaker 4>like actors tear each other down. Sarah talks about you

0:32:09.800 --> 0:32:10.960
<v Speaker 4>on her podcast all the time.

0:32:11.120 --> 0:32:11.960
<v Speaker 5>You know that, don't know?

0:32:12.720 --> 0:32:14.000
<v Speaker 1>No, I didn't know that.

0:32:14.720 --> 0:32:18.000
<v Speaker 4>Oh that's so cute. Oh no, she does. She talks

0:32:18.040 --> 0:32:20.000
<v Speaker 4>about you. I get so excited. I don't know why.

0:32:20.040 --> 0:32:22.200
<v Speaker 4>I feel like the proud mom. I'm like, yeah, my

0:32:22.320 --> 0:32:25.320
<v Speaker 4>girls love each other. But she does. She talks about

0:32:25.360 --> 0:32:27.120
<v Speaker 4>you in a beautiful way, and she's just like she's

0:32:27.160 --> 0:32:29.920
<v Speaker 4>so fucking look because people will call in with, you know,

0:32:30.000 --> 0:32:31.680
<v Speaker 4>saying like I really want to be a comedian and

0:32:31.720 --> 0:32:33.800
<v Speaker 4>I bet no da, And she's she's like, just you

0:32:33.840 --> 0:32:36.280
<v Speaker 4>gotta just go do it. Look at my friend Chelsea

0:32:36.360 --> 0:32:39.239
<v Speaker 4>she fucking she's just on the road. I'm not like that.

0:32:39.320 --> 0:32:42.480
<v Speaker 4>I can't do that, Chelsea. Just the two of you

0:32:42.560 --> 0:32:43.640
<v Speaker 4>support each other. I love it.

0:32:44.280 --> 0:32:46.680
<v Speaker 1>So I once said to her, we're on this app,

0:32:46.720 --> 0:32:48.640
<v Speaker 1>you know, this video app were we're always talking, and

0:32:48.720 --> 0:32:52.040
<v Speaker 1>I said to her, I mean, we couldn't be more different.

0:32:52.160 --> 0:32:54.920
<v Speaker 1>Like I love adventure, I love to go out. She

0:32:55.040 --> 0:32:57.000
<v Speaker 1>wants she's a come over and we'll go for a hike.

0:32:57.040 --> 0:32:59.720
<v Speaker 1>I'm like, I don't, Sarah, I hate hiking. Like I

0:32:59.720 --> 0:33:01.400
<v Speaker 1>don't want a hike. I'm like, I'll come for the

0:33:01.480 --> 0:33:04.640
<v Speaker 1>joint and the pool after skipped the hike part. But

0:33:04.760 --> 0:33:06.680
<v Speaker 1>we've gotten to a place in our friendship where we

0:33:06.760 --> 0:33:09.160
<v Speaker 1>both well, we've always been at this place kind of

0:33:09.200 --> 0:33:11.520
<v Speaker 1>ever since we became friends, where we know each other

0:33:11.920 --> 0:33:14.280
<v Speaker 1>and we know we have very little in common, but

0:33:14.360 --> 0:33:16.640
<v Speaker 1>we managed to have a friendship. You know what I mean,

0:33:17.240 --> 0:33:18.959
<v Speaker 1>We don't we're so dissimilar.

0:33:19.160 --> 0:33:21.600
<v Speaker 4>But anyway, tian Yang, though, sometimes that really works.

0:33:21.760 --> 0:33:24.200
<v Speaker 1>I know that does work. It works for me always. Anyway,

0:33:24.320 --> 0:33:25.800
<v Speaker 1>we need to take a quick break and we'll be

0:33:25.880 --> 0:33:31.120
<v Speaker 1>right back, and we're back.

0:33:31.280 --> 0:33:36.680
<v Speaker 2>We're back. I have an update from Juliana's last appearance.

0:33:36.120 --> 0:33:38.240
<v Speaker 1>With us, So what's happening already?

0:33:39.040 --> 0:33:42.520
<v Speaker 2>Yes, this was from one of our last episodes with

0:33:42.560 --> 0:33:44.880
<v Speaker 2>you had a title that was about red Flags. This

0:33:44.920 --> 0:33:49.959
<v Speaker 2>is our Red Flags girl, so Renee says, Hi, Chelsea

0:33:50.000 --> 0:33:53.440
<v Speaker 2>and Catherine and Juliana, here's an update on the red

0:33:53.440 --> 0:33:56.440
<v Speaker 2>Flags saga. The day I listened to the episode, I

0:33:56.440 --> 0:33:59.200
<v Speaker 2>had a calm chat with my partner about my concerns

0:33:59.240 --> 0:34:01.680
<v Speaker 2>and need for change. I told him I was ready

0:34:01.720 --> 0:34:03.600
<v Speaker 2>to walk away if he felt he didn't want to

0:34:03.640 --> 0:34:06.640
<v Speaker 2>improve as an individual and a partner. He said he'd

0:34:06.640 --> 0:34:09.879
<v Speaker 2>go to a counselor with no hesitations. Within a week,

0:34:09.960 --> 0:34:12.440
<v Speaker 2>we were lucky enough to get in with a recommended counselor.

0:34:12.960 --> 0:34:16.879
<v Speaker 2>He speaks openly and honestly, and even showed vulnerability. I'm

0:34:16.920 --> 0:34:19.480
<v Speaker 2>so proud of him. We've been four times and I

0:34:19.480 --> 0:34:22.440
<v Speaker 2>feel like this has already changed the dynamics of our relationship.

0:34:22.880 --> 0:34:26.080
<v Speaker 2>We've gained a different perspective of each other's history, learned

0:34:26.280 --> 0:34:29.040
<v Speaker 2>more about ourselves, and have become more nurturing regarding each

0:34:29.040 --> 0:34:32.560
<v Speaker 2>other's needs. We're completely honest with each other no matter

0:34:32.600 --> 0:34:35.600
<v Speaker 2>how sensitive the topic is. Calmly discuss our thoughts and

0:34:35.640 --> 0:34:39.279
<v Speaker 2>feelings while supporting one another. I feel more secure now

0:34:39.320 --> 0:34:41.480
<v Speaker 2>than I've ever been, and this has given my partner

0:34:41.520 --> 0:34:43.959
<v Speaker 2>the opportunity to show me how much I mean to him.

0:34:44.440 --> 0:34:46.880
<v Speaker 2>The man's heart is like an onion, so many layers,

0:34:47.000 --> 0:34:49.160
<v Speaker 2>but the counselor and I are slowly learning how he

0:34:49.200 --> 0:34:52.200
<v Speaker 2>tries to hide his strong emotions. Turns out he thinks

0:34:52.200 --> 0:34:54.160
<v Speaker 2>and feels a whole lot more than he's letting on.

0:34:55.400 --> 0:34:57.760
<v Speaker 2>Thankscals for giving me the kick up the ass I needed.

0:34:57.920 --> 0:35:00.120
<v Speaker 2>I feel at peace in my relationship now and in

0:35:00.160 --> 0:35:03.719
<v Speaker 2>our future together. Today we celebrate five years together and

0:35:03.760 --> 0:35:06.360
<v Speaker 2>one hundred days until we leave for our big trip.

0:35:06.680 --> 0:35:09.320
<v Speaker 2>Habby Travels and keep your ears peeled for the Aussie

0:35:09.320 --> 0:35:13.960
<v Speaker 2>accent in Majorca. Next year it could be us with love, Renee.

0:35:13.920 --> 0:35:16.680
<v Speaker 4>Got you know this is going to tie into your

0:35:16.719 --> 0:35:19.640
<v Speaker 4>episode with a Lease Lonan and her book which I'm

0:35:19.640 --> 0:35:23.279
<v Speaker 4>reading right now. It's really heavy duty. It also ties

0:35:23.320 --> 0:35:24.840
<v Speaker 4>into a book I read when I found out I

0:35:24.840 --> 0:35:27.440
<v Speaker 4>was having a boy, because I'm only like no girls,

0:35:27.600 --> 0:35:29.400
<v Speaker 4>so I didn't understand, like, how am I going to

0:35:29.440 --> 0:35:32.560
<v Speaker 4>raise a boy to be a human, empathetic, feeling person

0:35:32.640 --> 0:35:35.400
<v Speaker 4>with a pinis? And this book that I read called

0:35:35.520 --> 0:35:39.680
<v Speaker 4>Raising Caine was by these two psychologists who deal with

0:35:39.880 --> 0:35:43.840
<v Speaker 4>difficult teenage kids, and they said, you know, children, boys

0:35:43.960 --> 0:35:46.280
<v Speaker 4>at a very young age are taught not to cry

0:35:46.400 --> 0:35:49.719
<v Speaker 4>be a man. They're three and they're on the playground

0:35:49.760 --> 0:35:53.160
<v Speaker 4>and they're kids, and they're immediately taught to hide their feelings.

0:35:53.760 --> 0:35:56.160
<v Speaker 4>And I think, and that's what Elise was talking about,

0:35:56.719 --> 0:35:59.000
<v Speaker 4>and she talks about it in her book, how men

0:35:59.560 --> 0:36:03.040
<v Speaker 4>grow up to be afraid of their feelings because they

0:36:03.040 --> 0:36:05.239
<v Speaker 4>were taught that from a very young age. Your boy,

0:36:05.280 --> 0:36:08.520
<v Speaker 4>don't cry. It's such bullshit where girls when they cry

0:36:08.560 --> 0:36:11.480
<v Speaker 4>are hugged. So we grow up and we're emotional, you know,

0:36:11.880 --> 0:36:16.280
<v Speaker 4>like it can be these emotional rollercoasters. But men swallow, swallow,

0:36:16.360 --> 0:36:20.480
<v Speaker 4>swallow until they implode, and so it takes therapy. I'm

0:36:20.480 --> 0:36:24.600
<v Speaker 4>so happy to hear that that she got well. She

0:36:24.600 --> 0:36:26.840
<v Speaker 4>didn't seem to get him into therapy. He did it willingly.

0:36:27.000 --> 0:36:28.520
<v Speaker 4>It's probably a relief for him, right.

0:36:28.840 --> 0:36:30.480
<v Speaker 1>Remind me what those red flags were.

0:36:30.920 --> 0:36:34.319
<v Speaker 2>They'd been together a few years, but he'd like randomly

0:36:34.360 --> 0:36:36.320
<v Speaker 2>broken up with her out of the blue a couple

0:36:36.320 --> 0:36:38.359
<v Speaker 2>of times in there, and they were trying to make

0:36:38.400 --> 0:36:39.320
<v Speaker 2>plans for their future.

0:36:39.640 --> 0:36:42.520
<v Speaker 4>I remember this yeah, they were going to go hiking

0:36:42.600 --> 0:36:43.120
<v Speaker 4>or something.

0:36:43.840 --> 0:36:47.000
<v Speaker 2>Right, They were going on like a mountain climbing trip

0:36:47.120 --> 0:36:50.880
<v Speaker 2>around the world for like a year, and he was

0:36:50.920 --> 0:36:53.759
<v Speaker 2>like keeping secrets from her. She felt really fishy about it,

0:36:53.800 --> 0:36:56.600
<v Speaker 2>and we were like, these are huge red flags. Try therapy,

0:36:56.640 --> 0:37:00.440
<v Speaker 2>but it's probably over with and sounds like he's unburdening

0:37:00.560 --> 0:37:02.760
<v Speaker 2>himself and getting in touch with his emotions.

0:37:02.920 --> 0:37:04.600
<v Speaker 1>There are so many men in my life that I

0:37:04.600 --> 0:37:07.240
<v Speaker 1>wish we're just you know, so many of my friends'

0:37:08.000 --> 0:37:11.080
<v Speaker 1>husbands or it's so nice when a man is self

0:37:11.120 --> 0:37:15.319
<v Speaker 1>actualized and self aware and is interested in doing the

0:37:15.360 --> 0:37:18.719
<v Speaker 1>work on themselves. Who isn't like I can't do that.

0:37:19.040 --> 0:37:20.680
<v Speaker 1>I can't, I don't want to go to therapy. So

0:37:20.680 --> 0:37:23.040
<v Speaker 1>many men are like that. It's like it's so old

0:37:23.120 --> 0:37:24.200
<v Speaker 1>fashioned at this point.

0:37:24.400 --> 0:37:25.720
<v Speaker 4>I think it's because they're just afraid.

0:37:26.120 --> 0:37:27.040
<v Speaker 1>Yeah, they don't want to face that.

0:37:27.200 --> 0:37:29.880
<v Speaker 4>And also I think, you know, changing your habits is

0:37:29.920 --> 0:37:32.760
<v Speaker 4>so difficult, and when you have grown up a certain

0:37:32.800 --> 0:37:36.319
<v Speaker 4>way and lived a certain kind of life, it's very

0:37:36.360 --> 0:37:40.239
<v Speaker 4>scary to have to undo that. Yes, and that's what

0:37:40.280 --> 0:37:43.279
<v Speaker 4>therapy does. Always say to my husband, I'm like, oh, so,

0:37:43.480 --> 0:37:45.480
<v Speaker 4>how is so and so with their new girlfriend and

0:37:45.520 --> 0:37:47.239
<v Speaker 4>he's like, I don't. We don't talk about that. It's like,

0:37:47.280 --> 0:37:49.239
<v Speaker 4>how do you not talk about that? Like it would

0:37:49.239 --> 0:37:51.440
<v Speaker 4>be the we mean my girlfriends, that's what we talk

0:37:51.440 --> 0:37:53.920
<v Speaker 4>about all the time, Like I ask, and you know,

0:37:54.360 --> 0:37:56.960
<v Speaker 4>but they don't communicate the same way women do. It's

0:37:57.000 --> 0:37:57.719
<v Speaker 4>just a different way.

0:37:57.840 --> 0:37:59.520
<v Speaker 1>I was out with a gay guy friend the other

0:37:59.640 --> 0:38:01.640
<v Speaker 1>night for and he was talking to me about it.

0:38:01.640 --> 0:38:03.480
<v Speaker 1>He's going through a difficult time and he's like, I

0:38:03.480 --> 0:38:04.880
<v Speaker 1>went to therapy. He's like, I don't like it. I

0:38:04.880 --> 0:38:06.360
<v Speaker 1>don't like it. And I said, well, I know. I

0:38:06.360 --> 0:38:08.960
<v Speaker 1>bet you don't because a lot of stuff comes up.

0:38:09.080 --> 0:38:11.600
<v Speaker 1>But it's necessary work because otherwise it will tap you

0:38:11.640 --> 0:38:13.560
<v Speaker 1>on the shoulder when you least expect it and it's

0:38:13.600 --> 0:38:15.480
<v Speaker 1>going to take you down. There is no way to

0:38:15.600 --> 0:38:18.279
<v Speaker 1>escape it, right, like your trauma, whatever it is, you

0:38:18.360 --> 0:38:22.000
<v Speaker 1>have to discuss it because you can't get away from it.

0:38:22.080 --> 0:38:24.000
<v Speaker 1>And I said, if you can't go to the therapist,

0:38:24.160 --> 0:38:27.880
<v Speaker 1>at least pursue keep pursuing it until you find somebody.

0:38:28.000 --> 0:38:29.680
<v Speaker 1>And he said, I gotta be honest. All of this

0:38:29.800 --> 0:38:32.440
<v Speaker 1>talk just makes me uncomfortable, like I don't want to

0:38:32.480 --> 0:38:35.799
<v Speaker 1>talk about it, and he revealed to me that he

0:38:35.880 --> 0:38:38.600
<v Speaker 1>had been molested when he was younger. So it's such

0:38:38.600 --> 0:38:40.760
<v Speaker 1>a deep programming. It's run so deep.

0:38:41.320 --> 0:38:45.600
<v Speaker 2>Anyway, on that note, our first caller, I thought would

0:38:45.600 --> 0:38:47.600
<v Speaker 2>be a good question for Juliana, since you're a New

0:38:47.680 --> 0:38:50.440
<v Speaker 2>Yorker and you are familiar with what life is like

0:38:50.520 --> 0:38:52.640
<v Speaker 2>when you're all living on top of each other in

0:38:52.680 --> 0:38:53.240
<v Speaker 2>a big city.

0:38:53.960 --> 0:38:57.880
<v Speaker 1>So beautiful and the beautiful sunny New York smoke Felts

0:38:58.080 --> 0:39:02.680
<v Speaker 1>smoke free smoke sky day, Well Canada, I mean.

0:39:02.719 --> 0:39:02.920
<v Speaker 5>I know.

0:39:03.040 --> 0:39:05.359
<v Speaker 2>Chelsea sent me a picture. It looks like the apocalypse.

0:39:06.200 --> 0:39:10.279
<v Speaker 2>Stephanie says, Dear Chelsea, My husband and I bought a

0:39:10.360 --> 0:39:13.120
<v Speaker 2>condo a few years ago, and our building has four units,

0:39:13.239 --> 0:39:15.840
<v Speaker 2>so pretty small. All the neighbors were fine when we

0:39:15.880 --> 0:39:18.080
<v Speaker 2>first moved in, but a few years ago, the daughter

0:39:18.160 --> 0:39:20.920
<v Speaker 2>of someone who lives in a nearby unit, not the

0:39:20.920 --> 0:39:22.960
<v Speaker 2>person who owns the unit lives there, but his daughter

0:39:23.520 --> 0:39:25.600
<v Speaker 2>got to move in for free with her husband, and

0:39:25.640 --> 0:39:28.720
<v Speaker 2>the husband is awful. She goes on to talk about

0:39:28.760 --> 0:39:31.759
<v Speaker 2>how the husband moved her laundry one time and it

0:39:31.960 --> 0:39:34.960
<v Speaker 2>escalated into a screaming match and he told her to

0:39:35.000 --> 0:39:37.640
<v Speaker 2>go fuck herself. He screams at his wife on a

0:39:37.680 --> 0:39:40.839
<v Speaker 2>regular basis, but she hasn't called the police. She says,

0:39:40.840 --> 0:39:43.120
<v Speaker 2>living next to the sky gives me extreme anxiety, and

0:39:43.160 --> 0:39:46.160
<v Speaker 2>I absolutely hate it. My husband wants to confront him,

0:39:46.320 --> 0:39:48.439
<v Speaker 2>but I don't think that would end well for him

0:39:48.600 --> 0:39:51.799
<v Speaker 2>or us. There's other stuff about how he's complained about

0:39:51.800 --> 0:39:54.400
<v Speaker 2>their dog, even though his dogs bark all the time.

0:39:54.600 --> 0:39:57.480
<v Speaker 2>He's complained about another neighbor who has a daycare, but

0:39:57.520 --> 0:40:00.840
<v Speaker 2>it's not very loud. So she says, my question is

0:40:01.040 --> 0:40:04.200
<v Speaker 2>what should we do about this asshole? And Stephanie is

0:40:04.239 --> 0:40:04.839
<v Speaker 2>here with us.

0:40:04.840 --> 0:40:08.279
<v Speaker 4>Oh, hi, Stephanie, Hi, Stephanie.

0:40:09.080 --> 0:40:11.120
<v Speaker 1>I'm sorry that you're dealing with all of that. What

0:40:11.200 --> 0:40:11.840
<v Speaker 1>a nightmare.

0:40:12.600 --> 0:40:16.560
<v Speaker 3>Yeah, it's not exactly ideal, especially since we had a

0:40:16.560 --> 0:40:20.440
<v Speaker 3>baby seven months ago, so to be bring that on

0:40:20.520 --> 0:40:22.600
<v Speaker 3>top of having a baby.

0:40:23.200 --> 0:40:25.399
<v Speaker 4>Can I ask you something? Are you are the walls thin?

0:40:25.520 --> 0:40:30.200
<v Speaker 4>Can you hear him? Can you you can? Oh?

0:40:30.280 --> 0:40:32.320
<v Speaker 3>I don't want to hear him, but like I can't

0:40:32.360 --> 0:40:32.759
<v Speaker 3>help it?

0:40:33.160 --> 0:40:37.239
<v Speaker 4>Yeah, God, yeah, this is I mean, this is New York.

0:40:37.480 --> 0:40:40.680
<v Speaker 4>This is the you know the big problem with New York.

0:40:41.160 --> 0:40:43.520
<v Speaker 4>I think you're right you and your husband not to

0:40:43.560 --> 0:40:45.840
<v Speaker 4>say anything because it sounds like he's a little unhinged,

0:40:46.040 --> 0:40:48.840
<v Speaker 4>and I think you need to be careful. But you know,

0:40:49.719 --> 0:40:52.000
<v Speaker 4>I have this motto I live by, which is kill

0:40:52.080 --> 0:40:55.520
<v Speaker 4>him with kindness. What if you go out and buy

0:40:55.560 --> 0:40:58.239
<v Speaker 4>some cookies and leave them with a note hope your

0:40:58.320 --> 0:41:01.880
<v Speaker 4>day gets better every day? Maybe just keep leaving sweet

0:41:01.920 --> 0:41:04.040
<v Speaker 4>things and kill him with kindness.

0:41:04.280 --> 0:41:07.160
<v Speaker 3>During my resting bitch face, because.

0:41:07.120 --> 0:41:09.560
<v Speaker 4>Because it's just going to make you more and more angry,

0:41:09.880 --> 0:41:12.040
<v Speaker 4>and it's gonna make him more. It looks like he's

0:41:12.120 --> 0:41:16.160
<v Speaker 4>looking for a fight. Yeah, yeah, if he's screaming, I

0:41:16.480 --> 0:41:19.360
<v Speaker 4>didn't quite understand the laundry thing. He moved moved your

0:41:19.440 --> 0:41:21.920
<v Speaker 4>laundry and screamed at you what happened with the laundry?

0:41:22.160 --> 0:41:26.440
<v Speaker 3>He so, we have one washer and one dryer, and

0:41:27.160 --> 0:41:31.799
<v Speaker 3>he accused me of stopping his dryer so that his

0:41:31.920 --> 0:41:34.919
<v Speaker 3>clothes were like soaking wet, which is I wouldn't even

0:41:35.239 --> 0:41:36.799
<v Speaker 3>think nobody.

0:41:36.520 --> 0:41:39.040
<v Speaker 1>Would he by the way, nobody fucking would.

0:41:39.680 --> 0:41:41.200
<v Speaker 4>Yeah.

0:41:41.280 --> 0:41:43.319
<v Speaker 3>I had this like dumb look on my face as

0:41:43.320 --> 0:41:45.360
<v Speaker 3>he's yelling and screaming at me, and I think that

0:41:45.400 --> 0:41:48.040
<v Speaker 3>pissed him off even more. But I genuinely like had

0:41:48.080 --> 0:41:49.840
<v Speaker 3>no idea what the hell he was talking.

0:41:49.600 --> 0:41:52.879
<v Speaker 4>About, Yeah, it sounds like he's rearin for a fight,

0:41:52.960 --> 0:41:55.480
<v Speaker 4>and I think the best way to quash that is

0:41:55.719 --> 0:41:56.680
<v Speaker 4>to not give him one.

0:41:57.200 --> 0:41:57.600
<v Speaker 5>Yeah.

0:41:57.680 --> 0:42:01.080
<v Speaker 1>I think that is actually very very advice, none that

0:42:01.120 --> 0:42:04.120
<v Speaker 1>I would ever give you. And I am on Juliana's

0:42:04.120 --> 0:42:07.319
<v Speaker 1>team right now. I think that's great because people like

0:42:07.360 --> 0:42:09.960
<v Speaker 1>that you're right there and they're so unhinged that they

0:42:10.000 --> 0:42:11.880
<v Speaker 1>have a whole narrative going in their mind about what

0:42:11.920 --> 0:42:15.080
<v Speaker 1>they think is happening. And if you just keep showing

0:42:15.200 --> 0:42:17.759
<v Speaker 1>like at some point, the levee has to break with

0:42:17.880 --> 0:42:20.520
<v Speaker 1>kindness because you can't argue by yourself.

0:42:20.960 --> 0:42:23.880
<v Speaker 4>It's so true. And I just know this from being

0:42:24.040 --> 0:42:27.640
<v Speaker 4>you know, I'm an actress and I'm very passionate about things,

0:42:27.680 --> 0:42:30.680
<v Speaker 4>and sometimes I like a good argument. And I married

0:42:30.840 --> 0:42:35.319
<v Speaker 4>a guy who does not like to fight. Ever, and

0:42:35.520 --> 0:42:38.279
<v Speaker 4>I realize I'll say, you know what, blah blah blah blah,

0:42:38.320 --> 0:42:40.120
<v Speaker 4>and he goes, oh, I hear you, honey, I hear you.

0:42:40.160 --> 0:42:43.520
<v Speaker 4>That will never happen again. I have nowhere to go.

0:42:43.920 --> 0:42:47.240
<v Speaker 4>It's over, you know what I mean. And of course

0:42:47.320 --> 0:42:50.640
<v Speaker 4>we've been together seventeen years, so now I'm so appreciative

0:42:50.640 --> 0:42:53.280
<v Speaker 4>of it because it's such a better state of mind

0:42:53.280 --> 0:42:55.600
<v Speaker 4>to be in. It's like, oh, I don't need to

0:42:55.680 --> 0:42:58.680
<v Speaker 4>keep this going. We can just have a peaceful, lovely day.

0:42:58.840 --> 0:43:04.200
<v Speaker 4>So I have learned from that not giving ammunition gives

0:43:04.239 --> 0:43:09.640
<v Speaker 4>them nowhere to go. And eventually he's going to realize

0:43:09.800 --> 0:43:12.319
<v Speaker 4>that he can't. He sounds like an angry guy if

0:43:12.320 --> 0:43:15.080
<v Speaker 4>he's yelling at his wife too, you hear that or

0:43:15.200 --> 0:43:17.840
<v Speaker 4>girlfriend whatever, Yeah, but it sounds like he's looking for

0:43:17.880 --> 0:43:20.759
<v Speaker 4>a fight, and so if he can't take it out

0:43:20.760 --> 0:43:22.040
<v Speaker 4>on her, he's going to take it out on you

0:43:22.200 --> 0:43:25.759
<v Speaker 4>or your husband or whatever. But just smile, you know,

0:43:25.840 --> 0:43:28.160
<v Speaker 4>and if he says, oh, your dog was barking, you

0:43:28.239 --> 0:43:30.640
<v Speaker 4>just be like, oh, I heard yours barking too. I know,

0:43:30.800 --> 0:43:35.840
<v Speaker 4>crazy New York, right. You know, kill him with kindness,

0:43:35.880 --> 0:43:38.840
<v Speaker 4>because also it'll make you feel better. Like my objective

0:43:38.880 --> 0:43:41.439
<v Speaker 4>here is I want you to feel better. I don't

0:43:41.440 --> 0:43:44.920
<v Speaker 4>really care about him. Yeah, it'll make you feel better,

0:43:45.120 --> 0:43:47.040
<v Speaker 4>and you're just taking the high road, and he's not

0:43:47.080 --> 0:43:48.360
<v Speaker 4>going to know what to do with himself.

0:43:48.520 --> 0:43:51.600
<v Speaker 2>Yeah. One of my girlfriends says, you know, if somebody

0:43:51.680 --> 0:43:53.960
<v Speaker 2>is like that, they're yelling at you and there's nothing

0:43:53.960 --> 0:43:56.480
<v Speaker 2>to do about it. You just say okay, well what else?

0:43:56.880 --> 0:43:59.200
<v Speaker 2>And you just whatever they yell at you say okay,

0:43:59.200 --> 0:44:02.480
<v Speaker 2>what else? And eventually one, yes, one's a good one.

0:44:02.600 --> 0:44:05.600
<v Speaker 1>I like this all the advice. I love this. I

0:44:05.680 --> 0:44:09.000
<v Speaker 1>love this, but more importantly what Juliana said, how it's

0:44:09.040 --> 0:44:11.560
<v Speaker 1>going to make you feel better, Like I decided a

0:44:11.600 --> 0:44:15.080
<v Speaker 1>couple of years ago, and I have reminders too, like

0:44:15.160 --> 0:44:18.680
<v Speaker 1>whenever something is not going my way or not the

0:44:18.680 --> 0:44:20.400
<v Speaker 1>way I want it to go, I just have to

0:44:20.440 --> 0:44:23.879
<v Speaker 1>overcome it with my attitude to have a positive attitude.

0:44:24.160 --> 0:44:27.280
<v Speaker 1>And when you do that, it is infectious to other people.

0:44:27.440 --> 0:44:29.799
<v Speaker 1>People feel your vibe and they pick up on it.

0:44:29.840 --> 0:44:31.920
<v Speaker 1>And it's obviously not going to happen right away, but

0:44:32.000 --> 0:44:34.640
<v Speaker 1>it's gonna make your mental state so much more, like

0:44:34.719 --> 0:44:37.439
<v Speaker 1>at a higher frequency, instead of letting him drag you down,

0:44:37.719 --> 0:44:40.439
<v Speaker 1>you're pulling him up, you know what I mean by that?

0:44:40.800 --> 0:44:43.680
<v Speaker 1>And also everybody in your building by looking at it

0:44:43.719 --> 0:44:47.200
<v Speaker 1>and going at it from Juliana's angle, is kind of genius.

0:44:47.640 --> 0:44:49.879
<v Speaker 1>It's kind of the best way to treat him because

0:44:49.920 --> 0:44:50.600
<v Speaker 1>he's a child.

0:44:51.760 --> 0:44:55.600
<v Speaker 3>Yes, that's when he confronted me about the laundry thing

0:44:55.680 --> 0:44:58.680
<v Speaker 3>and was screaming at me and he was screaming at me,

0:44:58.719 --> 0:45:01.239
<v Speaker 3>but like walking away with his back face to me,

0:45:01.880 --> 0:45:04.879
<v Speaker 3>and I told him to grow up because he looked

0:45:04.880 --> 0:45:07.040
<v Speaker 3>like a toddler having a temper tangent, and he told

0:45:07.080 --> 0:45:08.160
<v Speaker 3>me to go back myself.

0:45:08.520 --> 0:45:12.359
<v Speaker 4>So she didn't like that, You know it? Oh God.

0:45:12.480 --> 0:45:15.200
<v Speaker 1>It's also you know that feeling you get when this

0:45:15.239 --> 0:45:17.520
<v Speaker 1>happened to me. Recently, I talked about my plane ride

0:45:17.520 --> 0:45:20.120
<v Speaker 1>where I had to confront these two racists. But you

0:45:20.160 --> 0:45:21.759
<v Speaker 1>know that feeling you get in your heart where you're

0:45:21.920 --> 0:45:24.799
<v Speaker 1>arguing with a stranger like you can't That is the

0:45:24.840 --> 0:45:27.520
<v Speaker 1>most unpleasant feeling, and you want to get to the

0:45:27.560 --> 0:45:29.000
<v Speaker 1>opposite of what that feeling is.

0:45:29.320 --> 0:45:31.600
<v Speaker 4>It's also unpredictable, Like it's one thing to argue with

0:45:31.640 --> 0:45:33.560
<v Speaker 4>a friend or a boyfriend or a husband because you

0:45:33.640 --> 0:45:36.520
<v Speaker 4>know them, yes, but when it's a stranger, you actually

0:45:37.120 --> 0:45:40.319
<v Speaker 4>don't know how they're going to react. And the state

0:45:40.360 --> 0:45:42.520
<v Speaker 4>of our world right now. I always say to my kid,

0:45:42.719 --> 0:45:45.120
<v Speaker 4>not that he's a chill kid, but I'm always like,

0:45:45.360 --> 0:45:48.680
<v Speaker 4>you never know who has a gun? Just walk away? Yeah,

0:45:48.719 --> 0:45:51.279
<v Speaker 4>you know road rage? When people have road rage. I'm

0:45:51.280 --> 0:45:54.400
<v Speaker 4>always like, so, what is this going to get me?

0:45:54.440 --> 0:45:56.640
<v Speaker 4>If I flip the finger a bullet in my head.

0:45:56.800 --> 0:45:59.120
<v Speaker 4>Maybe I just don't want to deal. It's not worth

0:45:59.160 --> 0:46:02.600
<v Speaker 4>it. It's just not worth it. Kill him with kindness. Maybe

0:46:02.600 --> 0:46:04.280
<v Speaker 4>that'll spread on who knows.

0:46:04.520 --> 0:46:06.560
<v Speaker 1>I bet you it will. I bet you you'll infect him,

0:46:06.600 --> 0:46:08.840
<v Speaker 1>You'll infect his family. Like if you just hit it

0:46:08.920 --> 0:46:11.400
<v Speaker 1>up and be consistent about it. I know it's not

0:46:11.440 --> 0:46:14.279
<v Speaker 1>your responsibility, but why not, you know, why not just

0:46:14.360 --> 0:46:17.719
<v Speaker 1>be why not take this on as an experiment, you know,

0:46:18.000 --> 0:46:19.960
<v Speaker 1>for human behavior.

0:46:19.640 --> 0:46:22.840
<v Speaker 4>And you may need to practice some breathing when you

0:46:22.880 --> 0:46:26.239
<v Speaker 4>when you want to scream and he's or you hear him.

0:46:26.680 --> 0:46:30.160
<v Speaker 3>Well, like, I'm actually I'm a chill person, So I

0:46:30.160 --> 0:46:32.919
<v Speaker 3>would rather kill him with kind like that's actually more

0:46:33.640 --> 0:46:36.840
<v Speaker 3>my alley. It's not like me to like be a

0:46:36.840 --> 0:46:38.319
<v Speaker 3>bit and ignore people like.

0:46:38.280 --> 0:46:40.520
<v Speaker 4>That, But Bacon Brown, I don't know.

0:46:40.480 --> 0:46:43.200
<v Speaker 3>What else to do. I'm also really shy, so the

0:46:44.040 --> 0:46:45.799
<v Speaker 3>ignoring him is also easier.

0:46:45.800 --> 0:46:50.239
<v Speaker 4>But yeah, yeah, I think there's some people in life

0:46:50.239 --> 0:46:52.279
<v Speaker 4>who just wake up in the morning looking for a fight,

0:46:52.840 --> 0:46:55.880
<v Speaker 4>and those are toxic people. You don't need that. And

0:46:55.920 --> 0:46:58.920
<v Speaker 4>he's already too close to you, guys in the apartment

0:46:58.960 --> 0:47:02.680
<v Speaker 4>next door, so put the distance and draw your circle, right,

0:47:02.760 --> 0:47:05.160
<v Speaker 4>that Buddhist thing. Here's my circle. You can't come in it.

0:47:06.000 --> 0:47:07.360
<v Speaker 4>I'm hearing my boundary.

0:47:07.080 --> 0:47:08.880
<v Speaker 1>Up and here are your cookies.

0:47:08.560 --> 0:47:09.600
<v Speaker 4>And here are your cookies.

0:47:09.719 --> 0:47:12.239
<v Speaker 1>This is my circle, and here are your cookies there

0:47:12.280 --> 0:47:15.520
<v Speaker 1>outside of my fucking circle. Now eat one and shut up, asshole.

0:47:17.440 --> 0:47:18.840
<v Speaker 4>Oh my god, good luck.

0:47:18.840 --> 0:47:19.840
<v Speaker 3>Thank you so much.

0:47:20.320 --> 0:47:25.120
<v Speaker 1>Bye bye. Well, I'm retiring and you're gonna take over.

0:47:25.400 --> 0:47:29.000
<v Speaker 1>Because I was just sitting there watching you, falling more

0:47:29.000 --> 0:47:30.840
<v Speaker 1>in love with you. I was like, oh, Juliana, I

0:47:30.880 --> 0:47:32.319
<v Speaker 1>would never even been thought of that.

0:47:32.719 --> 0:47:32.919
<v Speaker 3>Oh.

0:47:33.280 --> 0:47:35.279
<v Speaker 1>I was like, who's gonna deal with this? Asshole? Am

0:47:35.280 --> 0:47:36.480
<v Speaker 1>I gonna have to go down there?

0:47:42.680 --> 0:47:43.000
<v Speaker 3>Well?

0:47:43.120 --> 0:47:46.720
<v Speaker 2>Our next caller has I think a very interesting issue.

0:47:47.320 --> 0:47:51.440
<v Speaker 2>Her name is Rita Dear Chelsea. I'm a thirty three

0:47:51.520 --> 0:47:54.279
<v Speaker 2>year old married mother of two. I've always been an

0:47:54.280 --> 0:47:58.080
<v Speaker 2>incredibly independent and self sufficient person. I worked my ass

0:47:58.080 --> 0:48:00.319
<v Speaker 2>off to buy my first house at age twenty three,

0:48:00.440 --> 0:48:03.400
<v Speaker 2>and since then worked to continue to build my career

0:48:03.440 --> 0:48:06.560
<v Speaker 2>and succeed financially while also doing ninety percent of the

0:48:06.640 --> 0:48:10.160
<v Speaker 2>childcare and household tasks. From a young age, I knew

0:48:10.160 --> 0:48:12.480
<v Speaker 2>I had no interest in getting married. I thought if

0:48:12.480 --> 0:48:14.880
<v Speaker 2>I ever did decide I wanted kids, I would adopt

0:48:14.960 --> 0:48:17.960
<v Speaker 2>on my own or use a sperm donor. However, I

0:48:18.040 --> 0:48:20.000
<v Speaker 2>was twenty five when I met my now husband and

0:48:20.080 --> 0:48:23.360
<v Speaker 2>got swept up in love and societal norms and happily

0:48:23.400 --> 0:48:26.920
<v Speaker 2>married him and completely ignored everything I'd previously known to

0:48:26.960 --> 0:48:29.719
<v Speaker 2>be true about myself. Now I'm in this marriage with

0:48:29.760 --> 0:48:33.400
<v Speaker 2>a man who is emotionally unavailable, and I feel completely alone.

0:48:33.960 --> 0:48:35.839
<v Speaker 2>I look at my kids and my life, and I

0:48:35.920 --> 0:48:37.759
<v Speaker 2>know without a doubt that I could do it all

0:48:37.800 --> 0:48:41.240
<v Speaker 2>without him. But what do I do? I think I'd

0:48:41.239 --> 0:48:43.960
<v Speaker 2>be happier alone, But how do I know that isn't

0:48:44.040 --> 0:48:46.920
<v Speaker 2>just the grass is always greener mentality. I hate that

0:48:46.960 --> 0:48:49.520
<v Speaker 2>I hold most of the work and responsibility, but then

0:48:49.640 --> 0:48:52.520
<v Speaker 2>have to answer to a man for everything I do.

0:48:52.520 --> 0:48:54.320
<v Speaker 2>Do I blow up my whole life and my kids'

0:48:54.360 --> 0:48:56.720
<v Speaker 2>lives for the selfish reason that I just no longer

0:48:56.719 --> 0:48:59.600
<v Speaker 2>want to deal with a man. I keep daydreaming about

0:48:59.600 --> 0:49:04.359
<v Speaker 2>taking my kids and leaving everything behind. Please help kindly, Rita.

0:49:04.400 --> 0:49:08.800
<v Speaker 1>Wo hi Rida, oh read us in her car Ritas

0:49:08.960 --> 0:49:11.080
<v Speaker 1>we have Juliana Marguleay's is our guest today.

0:49:11.120 --> 0:49:13.000
<v Speaker 4>Here for you, Hi Rita.

0:49:13.280 --> 0:49:15.880
<v Speaker 5>Oh wow, so nice to meet you guys.

0:49:15.560 --> 0:49:17.200
<v Speaker 4>Hi, Hi, Hi?

0:49:18.000 --> 0:49:20.240
<v Speaker 2>Are you pulled over? Are you stabbed somewhere?

0:49:20.400 --> 0:49:22.600
<v Speaker 5>I am Catherine Notes, I'm always driving.

0:49:23.800 --> 0:49:25.440
<v Speaker 4>What do you do? What is your career?

0:49:25.880 --> 0:49:26.839
<v Speaker 5>I'm a therapist?

0:49:27.719 --> 0:49:30.279
<v Speaker 4>You're yeah, Chelse, you want to take this one? I

0:49:30.280 --> 0:49:31.080
<v Speaker 4>mean I have a million.

0:49:31.400 --> 0:49:33.960
<v Speaker 1>Let's talk about your relationship first. Have you ever suggested

0:49:33.960 --> 0:49:36.480
<v Speaker 1>going to therapy? Is he completely I gets that? Or

0:49:36.520 --> 0:49:37.319
<v Speaker 1>is he open to that?

0:49:37.760 --> 0:49:41.480
<v Speaker 5>I have suggested it. He wanted to go on his own,

0:49:41.760 --> 0:49:44.600
<v Speaker 5>so that was fine, but then he went one time

0:49:44.680 --> 0:49:47.799
<v Speaker 5>and then wouldn't go back. Kind of said like he

0:49:47.920 --> 0:49:51.200
<v Speaker 5>thought one time was enough and then he's done with it.

0:49:52.640 --> 0:49:55.560
<v Speaker 4>People hate sitting in I know, I know.

0:49:57.040 --> 0:49:59.520
<v Speaker 5>And he won't talk to me, so I think that's

0:49:59.600 --> 0:50:02.880
<v Speaker 5>that was the reason I suggested it. And he won't

0:50:03.400 --> 0:50:06.000
<v Speaker 5>connect or discuss things with me, So I thought, okay,

0:50:06.040 --> 0:50:08.160
<v Speaker 5>well you need to talk to somebody.

0:50:08.160 --> 0:50:10.960
<v Speaker 1>And have you expressed how you feel to him as

0:50:11.000 --> 0:50:12.040
<v Speaker 1>well as you can?

0:50:12.480 --> 0:50:15.960
<v Speaker 5>Yeah? I think the challenge is, you know, we just

0:50:16.000 --> 0:50:18.520
<v Speaker 5>have the same conversation over and over and over again,

0:50:18.840 --> 0:50:21.040
<v Speaker 5>and then we never get anywhere.

0:50:21.200 --> 0:50:22.600
<v Speaker 4>Okay, how many children do you have?

0:50:23.480 --> 0:50:24.239
<v Speaker 5>Two? Two?

0:50:24.480 --> 0:50:25.319
<v Speaker 4>And how old are they?

0:50:25.640 --> 0:50:26.360
<v Speaker 5>Two? And five?

0:50:26.719 --> 0:50:29.760
<v Speaker 4>Oh? Boy? Can I ask you this, have you fallen

0:50:29.800 --> 0:50:31.480
<v Speaker 4>out of love with him?

0:50:31.800 --> 0:50:35.160
<v Speaker 5>I think I've fallen out of like I don't really

0:50:35.320 --> 0:50:39.120
<v Speaker 5>like him as a person right now, but love him

0:50:39.160 --> 0:50:41.479
<v Speaker 5>as a husband and a father. If that makes sense.

0:50:41.600 --> 0:50:45.000
<v Speaker 4>Yeah, that's actually I think it's very clear. I mean,

0:50:45.120 --> 0:50:47.680
<v Speaker 4>I think it's really hard not to like the person

0:50:47.719 --> 0:50:51.399
<v Speaker 4>you're married to, harder than not loving them. Honestly, It's

0:50:51.440 --> 0:50:56.280
<v Speaker 4>so interesting because we're multitaskers. Women are just naturally multitaskers.

0:50:56.400 --> 0:50:58.960
<v Speaker 4>You know, we know how to do things and get

0:50:59.000 --> 0:51:01.640
<v Speaker 4>things done, you know. They what's the saying give a

0:51:01.640 --> 0:51:04.200
<v Speaker 4>busy woman a task and will get done? Is that

0:51:04.200 --> 0:51:07.000
<v Speaker 4>the saying something like that? Right, give a busy woman,

0:51:07.280 --> 0:51:10.560
<v Speaker 4>it's pretty Ask a busy woman a favor and it'll

0:51:10.600 --> 0:51:13.640
<v Speaker 4>get done because they know how to schedule it. Like

0:51:13.719 --> 0:51:15.080
<v Speaker 4>women are like, oh and then I have to do

0:51:15.160 --> 0:51:18.120
<v Speaker 4>that and that and that. Like women are very we're

0:51:18.160 --> 0:51:22.040
<v Speaker 4>multitaskers by nature. But I would never because your children

0:51:22.080 --> 0:51:23.920
<v Speaker 4>are so young, I would never say just get up

0:51:23.920 --> 0:51:26.319
<v Speaker 4>and go. But I also would never say stay in

0:51:26.400 --> 0:51:30.120
<v Speaker 4>something where you're going to resent your children ultimately because

0:51:30.120 --> 0:51:33.799
<v Speaker 4>you stayed there for them, right, your children will end

0:51:33.880 --> 0:51:36.239
<v Speaker 4>up hating you for the fact that you stayed in

0:51:36.280 --> 0:51:39.840
<v Speaker 4>a loveless marriage. But from what you're saying, there's love there.

0:51:40.760 --> 0:51:43.240
<v Speaker 4>But I think have you ever said to him, honey,

0:51:43.280 --> 0:51:45.400
<v Speaker 4>I'm at a place where I'm thinking of getting up

0:51:45.440 --> 0:51:48.120
<v Speaker 4>and going. The only thing that will work here is honesty. No,

0:51:48.640 --> 0:51:52.040
<v Speaker 4>I haven't see his reaction. Maybe he doesn't know how

0:51:52.080 --> 0:51:54.120
<v Speaker 4>bad it is. It sounds like he doesn't.

0:51:54.200 --> 0:51:56.359
<v Speaker 1>They don't know how bad it is until it's too late.

0:51:56.480 --> 0:51:59.160
<v Speaker 1>That's what happens in all these marriages. The men do

0:51:59.280 --> 0:52:01.319
<v Speaker 1>not want to see they don't want to face it.

0:52:01.400 --> 0:52:03.560
<v Speaker 1>And of course it's so funny that you said that.

0:52:03.600 --> 0:52:06.040
<v Speaker 1>My girlfriend went to therapy once and she's like, yeah,

0:52:06.080 --> 0:52:07.799
<v Speaker 1>the therapist told us we didn't need to come back.

0:52:07.840 --> 0:52:10.279
<v Speaker 1>I go, oh, really, is that what she said? You

0:52:10.440 --> 0:52:13.560
<v Speaker 1>fucking lit her like that is that is? She's like, yeah,

0:52:13.560 --> 0:52:15.480
<v Speaker 1>she didn't think we needed to see her again. I'm like,

0:52:15.600 --> 0:52:18.560
<v Speaker 1>oh my god. Talk about not wanting to face your issues.

0:52:18.680 --> 0:52:20.680
<v Speaker 1>But let's talk about it in a more practical sense.

0:52:21.120 --> 0:52:24.360
<v Speaker 1>Are you abled financially? If you were to decide to

0:52:24.680 --> 0:52:27.520
<v Speaker 1>leave right there are some steps to take before. Obviously

0:52:27.680 --> 0:52:29.400
<v Speaker 1>you you do get up and leave, But if you

0:52:29.440 --> 0:52:31.080
<v Speaker 1>wanted to leave, what would that look like.

0:52:31.560 --> 0:52:35.240
<v Speaker 5>Oh gosh, I mean financially, I think it would be fine. Family,

0:52:35.480 --> 0:52:37.759
<v Speaker 5>it would, I said this to Catherine, like it would

0:52:37.800 --> 0:52:41.000
<v Speaker 5>kind of just blow everything up. Our families are all

0:52:41.160 --> 0:52:43.600
<v Speaker 5>very close around us. We see them all the time.

0:52:43.800 --> 0:52:47.680
<v Speaker 5>It's we depend on like family for different things. And

0:52:47.920 --> 0:52:51.120
<v Speaker 5>that's kind of my conundrum. It's like everything else in

0:52:51.160 --> 0:52:54.640
<v Speaker 5>my life is great except for him. So do you

0:52:54.920 --> 0:52:57.080
<v Speaker 5>blow up everything for that?

0:52:57.480 --> 0:53:00.680
<v Speaker 4>Not yet. You can't blow it all up yet because

0:53:00.680 --> 0:53:04.520
<v Speaker 4>you haven't tried. First. You haven't been fair to him

0:53:04.760 --> 0:53:08.480
<v Speaker 4>by telling him you're at the end here until he

0:53:08.680 --> 0:53:11.560
<v Speaker 4>knows exactly what's going on. So you're making up your

0:53:11.600 --> 0:53:14.759
<v Speaker 4>own narrative and he's making up his own narrative, but

0:53:14.840 --> 0:53:17.839
<v Speaker 4>you're not on the same page. And until you sit

0:53:17.920 --> 0:53:21.560
<v Speaker 4>down with him and say, honey, I love you, but

0:53:21.600 --> 0:53:24.160
<v Speaker 4>you need to know what I'm feeling. I'm feeling like

0:53:24.440 --> 0:53:26.520
<v Speaker 4>grabbing these kids and getting the fuck out of here

0:53:27.000 --> 0:53:31.200
<v Speaker 4>because I feel very alone. I don't want to do that,

0:53:32.000 --> 0:53:35.200
<v Speaker 4>but I'm letting you know. If this continues and we

0:53:35.239 --> 0:53:38.839
<v Speaker 4>don't start talking and communicating and you start helping and

0:53:38.880 --> 0:53:41.680
<v Speaker 4>we go to therapy together to discuss this, I'm gone.

0:53:41.960 --> 0:53:45.000
<v Speaker 4>They understand that, but he doesn't know you're thinking of

0:53:45.040 --> 0:53:47.279
<v Speaker 4>what you're thinking. He has no idea.

0:53:47.440 --> 0:53:50.640
<v Speaker 1>And also the key sentence is to make sure you

0:53:50.719 --> 0:53:55.200
<v Speaker 1>impress upon him how alone you feel, because you shouldn't

0:53:55.200 --> 0:53:58.279
<v Speaker 1>feel alone. You know you're in a marriage. What's the

0:53:58.360 --> 0:54:00.600
<v Speaker 1>point of being in a marriage if you feel that way?

0:54:01.200 --> 0:54:03.600
<v Speaker 1>So there are you do have to have a conversation

0:54:03.719 --> 0:54:06.120
<v Speaker 1>with him. But on a more practical level, I just

0:54:06.160 --> 0:54:07.680
<v Speaker 1>want to say a couple of things about like you

0:54:07.800 --> 0:54:10.880
<v Speaker 1>blowing up your family, You're not blowing up your family.

0:54:11.040 --> 0:54:12.799
<v Speaker 1>You have to take care of yourself for the sake

0:54:12.840 --> 0:54:15.000
<v Speaker 1>of your children. You need to be healthy, you need

0:54:15.040 --> 0:54:17.160
<v Speaker 1>to be happy, and you need to be fulfilled to

0:54:17.239 --> 0:54:21.120
<v Speaker 1>raise healthy, happy children. That's what is the most important thing.

0:54:21.560 --> 0:54:24.680
<v Speaker 1>And worrying about what everybody else is the impact and

0:54:24.719 --> 0:54:27.280
<v Speaker 1>the ripple effect that it's going to have on everyone else.

0:54:27.600 --> 0:54:30.719
<v Speaker 1>When you're just protecting yourself, it's not like you're abusing

0:54:30.760 --> 0:54:33.680
<v Speaker 1>someone or doing drugs or you're an addict, you know,

0:54:33.680 --> 0:54:35.680
<v Speaker 1>and you're blowing something up. You're blowing something up in

0:54:35.719 --> 0:54:37.840
<v Speaker 1>your mind because you're going to be taking care of yourself.

0:54:38.040 --> 0:54:41.520
<v Speaker 1>That's not blowing everything up. People adjust and acclimate to

0:54:41.600 --> 0:54:46.040
<v Speaker 1>things all day long. People are dealing with new situations

0:54:46.080 --> 0:54:48.600
<v Speaker 1>in family dynamics every single day.

0:54:48.440 --> 0:54:49.480
<v Speaker 4>And kids are resilient.

0:54:49.640 --> 0:54:52.040
<v Speaker 1>Yes, And all these people who I stay together for

0:54:52.080 --> 0:54:54.239
<v Speaker 1>the children, I stay together for the children. And your

0:54:54.320 --> 0:54:55.839
<v Speaker 1>child's going to grow up and get in the same

0:54:55.880 --> 0:54:58.000
<v Speaker 1>dynamic that you were in that you modeled for them.

0:54:58.480 --> 0:55:03.719
<v Speaker 1>So financially, if you're capable, you're free, you know what

0:55:03.719 --> 0:55:06.200
<v Speaker 1>I mean. Like so many people don't have that. They

0:55:06.200 --> 0:55:08.680
<v Speaker 1>don't have the financial freedom to leave. So I'm not

0:55:08.680 --> 0:55:10.759
<v Speaker 1>saying to just get up and walk out the door. Yes,

0:55:10.840 --> 0:55:12.719
<v Speaker 1>you should have a conversation with him. There needs to

0:55:12.760 --> 0:55:15.799
<v Speaker 1>be more of a commitment than one therapy session. You

0:55:15.840 --> 0:55:17.520
<v Speaker 1>have to go to couple's therapy, and if he has

0:55:17.560 --> 0:55:18.719
<v Speaker 1>to go on his own, he has to go on

0:55:18.760 --> 0:55:20.960
<v Speaker 1>his own, And if he's not willing.

0:55:21.200 --> 0:55:23.320
<v Speaker 4>To do that, then you go to the next step.

0:55:23.400 --> 0:55:26.040
<v Speaker 4>Then you can leave, and then you can leave feeling

0:55:26.040 --> 0:55:27.080
<v Speaker 4>good about your decision.

0:55:27.560 --> 0:55:28.839
<v Speaker 1>And you should leave at that point.

0:55:28.960 --> 0:55:31.960
<v Speaker 4>Yeah, but I think you're sort of throwing the baby

0:55:31.960 --> 0:55:34.719
<v Speaker 4>out with the bathwater because you're not. He's not on

0:55:34.760 --> 0:55:38.799
<v Speaker 4>the same page as you. Yet. Once he knows, you

0:55:38.840 --> 0:55:41.240
<v Speaker 4>owe it to yourself to tell him how you're feeling.

0:55:41.719 --> 0:55:43.560
<v Speaker 4>You know what, you have nothing to lose because you're

0:55:43.600 --> 0:55:46.520
<v Speaker 4>already out the door, right, you have one foot out

0:55:46.520 --> 0:55:48.680
<v Speaker 4>the door. You're already thinking of the consequences of what's

0:55:48.680 --> 0:55:50.680
<v Speaker 4>going to happen when you leave, and he doesn't even

0:55:50.680 --> 0:55:53.480
<v Speaker 4>know you're thinking of leaving, So you have nothing to

0:55:53.520 --> 0:55:56.040
<v Speaker 4>lose by saying I need to talk to you. You

0:55:56.080 --> 0:55:59.600
<v Speaker 4>and I get a babysitter, go out to dinner so

0:55:59.640 --> 0:56:01.680
<v Speaker 4>no one can raise their voices in the restaurant.

0:56:01.840 --> 0:56:04.839
<v Speaker 1>Hmmm, oh god, you're full of it today. I love it.

0:56:05.600 --> 0:56:07.240
<v Speaker 1>Got such a good stuff going.

0:56:09.000 --> 0:56:11.319
<v Speaker 4>But it does help, you know, because you have the

0:56:11.360 --> 0:56:17.320
<v Speaker 4>boundaries of a restaurant, right, and be empathetic to him. Listen,

0:56:17.440 --> 0:56:19.839
<v Speaker 4>men are limited. I'm not saying let him get away

0:56:19.840 --> 0:56:22.440
<v Speaker 4>with anything. I'm saying, talk to him as if he

0:56:22.600 --> 0:56:27.400
<v Speaker 4>knows absolutely nothing, and say I've never been lonelier in

0:56:27.440 --> 0:56:30.520
<v Speaker 4>my life. I don't know if you've noticed. I cannot

0:56:30.560 --> 0:56:34.040
<v Speaker 4>bear feeling like ninety percent of the responsibilities of this

0:56:34.160 --> 0:56:37.800
<v Speaker 4>family and our livelihood is on me. I am fine

0:56:37.840 --> 0:56:39.959
<v Speaker 4>to leave this marriage and go out on my own.

0:56:40.200 --> 0:56:42.360
<v Speaker 4>I'll be fine, I'll take care of the kids. Fine,

0:56:43.120 --> 0:56:45.560
<v Speaker 4>But if you want me and the kids in your life.

0:56:45.680 --> 0:56:48.160
<v Speaker 4>You need to know what's going on. Then if he

0:56:48.280 --> 0:56:51.680
<v Speaker 4>is just such a douchebag that he doesn't even respond

0:56:51.680 --> 0:56:54.279
<v Speaker 4>to that, or or thinks it's going to go away,

0:56:54.320 --> 0:56:55.839
<v Speaker 4>and you need to say that to him, you can

0:56:55.840 --> 0:57:00.200
<v Speaker 4>say this isn't going away by the conversation ending. I

0:57:00.239 --> 0:57:03.719
<v Speaker 4>often think in relationships they're like, oh, yeah, hurt, I

0:57:03.760 --> 0:57:07.360
<v Speaker 4>sat through it. I nodded my head, and now we're fine. No,

0:57:07.760 --> 0:57:10.239
<v Speaker 4>this isn't going away. We need to work on it

0:57:10.719 --> 0:57:13.360
<v Speaker 4>tomorrow and the day after tomorrow. And then if it

0:57:13.360 --> 0:57:16.800
<v Speaker 4>doesn't work, you wipe off your hands and you go,

0:57:16.880 --> 0:57:18.880
<v Speaker 4>I gave it my all. And you look at your children.

0:57:18.960 --> 0:57:20.720
<v Speaker 4>You have boys girls, a boy.

0:57:20.560 --> 0:57:22.400
<v Speaker 5>And a girl, A boy and a girl.

0:57:22.440 --> 0:57:27.280
<v Speaker 4>What a great example to set for your children to say,

0:57:27.840 --> 0:57:31.200
<v Speaker 4>mommy wasn't happy. It wasn't working. Daddy, he's not happy either.

0:57:31.600 --> 0:57:34.240
<v Speaker 4>How can he be happy if he's with someone who's

0:57:34.280 --> 0:57:37.280
<v Speaker 4>never felt lonelier And you've got to be def dumb

0:57:37.360 --> 0:57:39.200
<v Speaker 4>and blind not to take that in.

0:57:39.560 --> 0:57:41.440
<v Speaker 1>I don't think a lot of people are expecting to

0:57:41.440 --> 0:57:44.320
<v Speaker 1>be happy. Quite frankly. They think life is like going

0:57:44.360 --> 0:57:46.960
<v Speaker 1>to work, coming home, drinking a beer, going to sleep.

0:57:47.160 --> 0:57:49.960
<v Speaker 1>You know, like they're not engaged in their life and

0:57:50.000 --> 0:57:53.240
<v Speaker 1>you seem like somebody who is, so like, you can't

0:57:53.400 --> 0:57:55.800
<v Speaker 1>give that gift away, you know what I mean, and

0:57:55.880 --> 0:57:58.800
<v Speaker 1>just throw it, throw it away and not live your life.

0:57:58.880 --> 0:58:01.280
<v Speaker 1>You have the potential to be in love in the

0:58:01.280 --> 0:58:03.080
<v Speaker 1>way that you want to be in love with a man,

0:58:03.680 --> 0:58:05.760
<v Speaker 1>and he just has to be aware of that. And

0:58:05.960 --> 0:58:08.280
<v Speaker 1>you know, sometimes people don't react in the moment, but

0:58:08.320 --> 0:58:10.520
<v Speaker 1>once they have a couple of days to think about it,

0:58:10.800 --> 0:58:13.560
<v Speaker 1>there is a different reaction. So I like, I would

0:58:13.600 --> 0:58:17.040
<v Speaker 1>be very vehement about starting therapy, figuring out, like finding

0:58:17.080 --> 0:58:19.080
<v Speaker 1>a therapist that you guys can go start talking to

0:58:19.680 --> 0:58:21.840
<v Speaker 1>and say like, that's the only way I'm willing to stay.

0:58:21.920 --> 0:58:24.880
<v Speaker 1>I think we have a lot to uncover and work

0:58:24.920 --> 0:58:28.200
<v Speaker 1>together if you want to save this marriage. And if

0:58:28.240 --> 0:58:32.880
<v Speaker 1>you don't, also, that's okay, right, no problem, Like, yes,

0:58:32.960 --> 0:58:35.320
<v Speaker 1>this is going to be disruptive, but if you don't,

0:58:35.360 --> 0:58:37.240
<v Speaker 1>I can't. I'm not going to make you do anything.

0:58:37.760 --> 0:58:39.720
<v Speaker 4>And you can say I don't like you right now,

0:58:40.640 --> 0:58:44.040
<v Speaker 4>I don't like you. I love you, But why am

0:58:44.080 --> 0:58:47.240
<v Speaker 4>I not liking you? Why have you become complacent in

0:58:47.280 --> 0:58:49.280
<v Speaker 4>our life? I'm not saying we should all live in

0:58:49.320 --> 0:58:51.120
<v Speaker 4>some fluffy cloud where every day is like, oh it's

0:58:51.120 --> 0:58:54.680
<v Speaker 4>a blessing because it's hard and raising two children is

0:58:54.760 --> 0:58:57.920
<v Speaker 4>hard and working every day it's hard. But if you

0:58:57.960 --> 0:59:00.000
<v Speaker 4>don't have the other side of that, which is fine

0:59:00.000 --> 0:59:03.080
<v Speaker 4>and then laughter and enjoyment and great sex and you know,

0:59:03.160 --> 0:59:04.880
<v Speaker 4>then why stay in it?

0:59:05.320 --> 0:59:07.240
<v Speaker 5>Yeah? I think you guys are bang on. Like I

0:59:07.280 --> 0:59:12.400
<v Speaker 5>think he doesn't think that happiness is important, Like he

0:59:12.520 --> 0:59:14.960
<v Speaker 5>kind of thinks like, oh, yeah, this is life, Like

0:59:15.040 --> 0:59:16.920
<v Speaker 5>this is the daily slug and like you just do

0:59:17.040 --> 0:59:19.840
<v Speaker 5>it and it doesn't matter if we're friends or we

0:59:19.920 --> 0:59:22.320
<v Speaker 5>have fun together, we laugh together. It's just like this

0:59:22.400 --> 0:59:24.600
<v Speaker 5>is we just have to get through it and there

0:59:24.680 --> 0:59:26.920
<v Speaker 5>maybe there will be better times ahead kind of thing.

0:59:27.040 --> 0:59:28.040
<v Speaker 4>That's really depressing.

0:59:28.240 --> 0:59:30.520
<v Speaker 1>Yeah, that is depressing, But I think you're right. I

0:59:30.560 --> 0:59:33.000
<v Speaker 1>think a lot of people feel that way. It's just

0:59:33.040 --> 0:59:35.320
<v Speaker 1>a grind and they're just getting from one point. I

0:59:35.400 --> 0:59:37.400
<v Speaker 1>heard a couple the other day saying as soon as

0:59:37.560 --> 0:59:39.040
<v Speaker 1>they have a two and a four year old, and

0:59:39.040 --> 0:59:41.440
<v Speaker 1>they're like, as soon as they grow up, then we're

0:59:41.480 --> 0:59:43.800
<v Speaker 1>free again. I'm like, you're saying that when they're two,

0:59:43.880 --> 0:59:46.440
<v Speaker 1>and why do you even have fucking children? Right, you know,

0:59:46.600 --> 0:59:48.880
<v Speaker 1>free again. You're never going to be free from your children,

0:59:48.960 --> 0:59:49.480
<v Speaker 1>first of all.

0:59:49.920 --> 0:59:52.600
<v Speaker 4>So also there's just saying that my husband and I

0:59:52.840 --> 0:59:54.440
<v Speaker 4>say to each other all the time.

0:59:54.360 --> 0:59:57.800
<v Speaker 1>Give a woman in an errand and she got no.

0:59:57.840 --> 1:00:02.480
<v Speaker 4>Which is happy parents', happy baby. And I really strongly

1:00:02.520 --> 1:00:06.439
<v Speaker 4>believe that. And when we had our kid, we made

1:00:06.480 --> 1:00:08.840
<v Speaker 4>sure one night a week the two of us had

1:00:08.880 --> 1:00:12.080
<v Speaker 4>dinner together, no matter what, no matter what. I mean,

1:00:12.200 --> 1:00:14.640
<v Speaker 4>I was like hunched over from a c section, and

1:00:14.680 --> 1:00:16.440
<v Speaker 4>I was determined to have that date. I was like,

1:00:16.480 --> 1:00:18.040
<v Speaker 4>We're gonna go and have dinner just the two of

1:00:18.080 --> 1:00:21.200
<v Speaker 4>us and go away on little trips whenever we could,

1:00:21.240 --> 1:00:22.760
<v Speaker 4>when we could get his parents to come and stay

1:00:22.800 --> 1:00:25.760
<v Speaker 4>with the kid, Like you need to celebrate you because

1:00:25.800 --> 1:00:29.480
<v Speaker 4>when those kids see happy parents, they feel secure and

1:00:29.520 --> 1:00:32.800
<v Speaker 4>safe and happy. Believe me, they feel what you're feeling.

1:00:33.080 --> 1:00:35.880
<v Speaker 4>They might not show it, it seeps in and they

1:00:35.880 --> 1:00:37.600
<v Speaker 4>feel the tension in the marriage. Yeah.

1:00:37.640 --> 1:00:41.640
<v Speaker 5>I think I almost like avoidant of date nights now

1:00:41.680 --> 1:00:45.480
<v Speaker 5>because they're so uncomfortable and like we have nothing to

1:00:45.560 --> 1:00:50.520
<v Speaker 5>talk about and it's not like a fun night out.

1:00:51.080 --> 1:00:54.600
<v Speaker 4>Maybe start there, Yeah, say to him, when was the

1:00:54.640 --> 1:00:56.920
<v Speaker 4>last time you took me out to dinner. When was

1:00:56.960 --> 1:00:58.800
<v Speaker 4>the last time you and I decided to go see

1:00:58.840 --> 1:01:02.080
<v Speaker 4>a movie and hold hands? Start with the little things.

1:01:02.640 --> 1:01:04.800
<v Speaker 4>You can't do it all in one day, but you've

1:01:04.840 --> 1:01:07.120
<v Speaker 4>got to give it a chance, and then to see

1:01:07.160 --> 1:01:11.600
<v Speaker 4>to make sure you have nothing to feel guilty about. Nothing.

1:01:11.960 --> 1:01:16.320
<v Speaker 4>You are obviously a successful, independent woman. That is awesome.

1:01:16.360 --> 1:01:21.080
<v Speaker 4>He should worship you. But with that also makes a

1:01:21.120 --> 1:01:23.760
<v Speaker 4>lot of men. I you know, I don't mean to

1:01:23.880 --> 1:01:26.080
<v Speaker 4>sound like I'm man bashing, but a lot of men

1:01:26.280 --> 1:01:29.600
<v Speaker 4>are insecure when they are with an independent, strong woman.

1:01:30.440 --> 1:01:30.560
<v Speaker 5>You know.

1:01:30.680 --> 1:01:33.080
<v Speaker 4>Wait, wait till you get to fifty, sister, you're going

1:01:33.160 --> 1:01:35.040
<v Speaker 4>to be like, No, don't like that. Don't like that.

1:01:35.240 --> 1:01:37.440
<v Speaker 4>Like the older you get, the more sure of yourself

1:01:37.480 --> 1:01:40.959
<v Speaker 4>you are, you know. But I do believe that if

1:01:41.000 --> 1:01:43.520
<v Speaker 4>you are true to yourself, you need to be true

1:01:43.560 --> 1:01:47.240
<v Speaker 4>to him first so that you can live your truth

1:01:47.560 --> 1:01:49.720
<v Speaker 4>and know that you did the right thing. And he

1:01:49.800 --> 1:01:52.160
<v Speaker 4>might surprise you. You never know, and he might not,

1:01:52.760 --> 1:01:54.600
<v Speaker 4>but you may as well find out.

1:01:55.280 --> 1:01:57.600
<v Speaker 1>Yeah, and I think you should just change that framework

1:01:57.600 --> 1:01:59.440
<v Speaker 1>that you have in your mind blowing up your family,

1:01:59.440 --> 1:02:02.200
<v Speaker 1>blowing up your family, change that to saving your family.

1:02:02.720 --> 1:02:06.000
<v Speaker 1>You're saving your kids from a life of that and

1:02:06.200 --> 1:02:09.920
<v Speaker 1>a cycle. You know, we don't see what we're doing

1:02:10.200 --> 1:02:13.320
<v Speaker 1>in our lives, but there's intergenerational trauma for a reason,

1:02:13.480 --> 1:02:16.640
<v Speaker 1>like your kids will perpetuate that most likely, not that

1:02:16.720 --> 1:02:18.439
<v Speaker 1>it's like a cycle of abuse, but it's a cycle

1:02:18.480 --> 1:02:21.840
<v Speaker 1>of unhappiness. Why be unhappy? There's you know, we're only

1:02:21.880 --> 1:02:24.160
<v Speaker 1>here for a short time. You got to get after it, girl,

1:02:24.320 --> 1:02:26.439
<v Speaker 1>Like you need to get after it. So get after

1:02:26.520 --> 1:02:29.000
<v Speaker 1>your marriage and see what you can do there. And

1:02:29.080 --> 1:02:31.200
<v Speaker 1>if you can't figure it out, then you have to

1:02:31.200 --> 1:02:32.720
<v Speaker 1>get after it on your own.

1:02:32.800 --> 1:02:35.400
<v Speaker 4>Live your life. Also, you don't know what your family

1:02:35.440 --> 1:02:37.919
<v Speaker 4>around you is thinking. Either you don't know, you may leave,

1:02:37.920 --> 1:02:40.040
<v Speaker 4>and then your mom's like, oh thank god, honey, I

1:02:40.040 --> 1:02:42.800
<v Speaker 4>couldn't say anything because you were you never know, you know,

1:02:42.960 --> 1:02:45.920
<v Speaker 4>don't make it. So don't you think other people are

1:02:46.000 --> 1:02:48.320
<v Speaker 4>judging or saying anything. You don't live in their heads.

1:02:48.360 --> 1:02:50.280
<v Speaker 4>You live in your head, and your head's the only

1:02:50.280 --> 1:02:51.280
<v Speaker 4>one you need to worry about.

1:02:51.520 --> 1:02:53.200
<v Speaker 1>Like, can I ask you a question? And this is

1:02:53.280 --> 1:02:55.520
<v Speaker 1>mostly just for our listeners, because I'm sure a lot

1:02:55.560 --> 1:02:57.880
<v Speaker 1>of people are like, oh, sounds like me, what is

1:02:57.920 --> 1:02:59.560
<v Speaker 1>your life like? When he gets home for work, or

1:02:59.600 --> 1:03:01.640
<v Speaker 1>when you get home from work at night, Like what

1:03:01.920 --> 1:03:02.880
<v Speaker 1>is the communication?

1:03:03.160 --> 1:03:07.000
<v Speaker 5>Like, there's zero communication, Like if we even say like

1:03:07.080 --> 1:03:10.439
<v Speaker 5>hello to each other, that would be a special day.

1:03:10.720 --> 1:03:13.520
<v Speaker 5>And it's mostly because like the kids are just on

1:03:13.600 --> 1:03:15.720
<v Speaker 5>top of me all the time, Like they just pick

1:03:15.800 --> 1:03:19.360
<v Speaker 5>me over him every single time, and so I can't,

1:03:19.520 --> 1:03:21.880
<v Speaker 5>like I can't speak to him or have a conversation.

1:03:22.280 --> 1:03:24.320
<v Speaker 5>So then like we kind of just go our separate

1:03:24.360 --> 1:03:26.480
<v Speaker 5>ways and I deal with the kids and he does whatever.

1:03:26.680 --> 1:03:27.440
<v Speaker 1>What does he do?

1:03:28.520 --> 1:03:30.760
<v Speaker 5>Well, he does work a lot, so he often doesn't

1:03:30.800 --> 1:03:35.240
<v Speaker 5>come home for dinner or bedtime. So if he's there,

1:03:35.400 --> 1:03:37.840
<v Speaker 5>then he would like kind of hang around and have

1:03:37.840 --> 1:03:40.000
<v Speaker 5>dinner with us or read the newspaper or whatever. But

1:03:40.560 --> 1:03:42.800
<v Speaker 5>if he's not there, then I just go through the routine.

1:03:42.960 --> 1:03:44.200
<v Speaker 4>Is he an old man.

1:03:46.080 --> 1:03:46.640
<v Speaker 5>At heart?

1:03:46.880 --> 1:03:47.760
<v Speaker 4>Yeah? At heart.

1:03:50.080 --> 1:03:52.000
<v Speaker 1>You don't think he's having an affair though, do you.

1:03:52.880 --> 1:03:57.160
<v Speaker 5>I don't. I think there's potential, but it's almost it's

1:03:57.280 --> 1:04:00.479
<v Speaker 5>it's kind of sad because I almost have had these before,

1:04:00.600 --> 1:04:04.000
<v Speaker 5>Like oh if he did, I wouldn't care because I'm

1:04:04.040 --> 1:04:05.720
<v Speaker 5>just like that disconnected.

1:04:05.920 --> 1:04:08.760
<v Speaker 4>I've been there. I've been there. I remember I was

1:04:08.800 --> 1:04:11.880
<v Speaker 4>with this guy I had fantasies of coming home and

1:04:11.960 --> 1:04:14.360
<v Speaker 4>catching him in bed with another woman so I could leave.

1:04:15.360 --> 1:04:18.400
<v Speaker 4>But that's because I was too scared to leave. You know,

1:04:18.880 --> 1:04:22.000
<v Speaker 4>you need to confront him with the truth. The truth ultimately,

1:04:22.080 --> 1:04:24.919
<v Speaker 4>will say, I know, but it will set you free.

1:04:25.000 --> 1:04:27.480
<v Speaker 1>Well done. If you give a busy woman an errand

1:04:27.520 --> 1:04:29.400
<v Speaker 1>she'll get it done, and then the truth will also

1:04:29.440 --> 1:04:33.520
<v Speaker 1>set you free. Okay, did everybody hear that? You can

1:04:33.600 --> 1:04:37.640
<v Speaker 1>read more about Juliana's dysfunctional relationship in Sunshine Girl, where

1:04:37.680 --> 1:04:39.000
<v Speaker 1>she really talked about it.

1:04:39.240 --> 1:04:39.720
<v Speaker 4>Talk about it.

1:04:40.040 --> 1:04:41.400
<v Speaker 1>After I read that book, I had to find out

1:04:41.440 --> 1:04:42.919
<v Speaker 1>who the X was, so I looked it up right away.

1:04:42.960 --> 1:04:46.040
<v Speaker 1>But anyway, to you, you are full of life. Yeah

1:04:46.280 --> 1:04:48.320
<v Speaker 1>you are, Vibrett, you know what I mean, it's just

1:04:48.360 --> 1:04:48.800
<v Speaker 1>your fate.

1:04:48.840 --> 1:04:51.400
<v Speaker 4>You're like you are. She's like, yeah, you want to

1:04:51.400 --> 1:04:54.800
<v Speaker 4>go live life. You're the best to do. Can I

1:04:54.840 --> 1:04:57.600
<v Speaker 4>ask how many years you've lived? How old do you?

1:04:57.840 --> 1:04:58.600
<v Speaker 5>Thirty three?

1:04:59.000 --> 1:05:02.960
<v Speaker 1>I mean you are like, yeah, You've got a whole

1:05:03.040 --> 1:05:06.000
<v Speaker 1>other section ahead of you, a few sections actually.

1:05:05.760 --> 1:05:08.000
<v Speaker 4>And you shouldn't waste it for a minute on not

1:05:08.320 --> 1:05:11.560
<v Speaker 4>celebrating who you are and showing your kids that, Like,

1:05:11.640 --> 1:05:15.560
<v Speaker 4>I just truly believe that you owe it to yourself

1:05:15.600 --> 1:05:17.280
<v Speaker 4>and your children to be happy.

1:05:17.640 --> 1:05:20.000
<v Speaker 1>Have you confided to any of your family members?

1:05:20.240 --> 1:05:20.840
<v Speaker 5>No?

1:05:20.840 --> 1:05:21.480
<v Speaker 1>No, nothing?

1:05:21.720 --> 1:05:23.440
<v Speaker 4>Well, now do any of them listen to your child?

1:05:23.720 --> 1:05:26.800
<v Speaker 1>That's why she used an alias. Oh okay, and we

1:05:26.840 --> 1:05:31.400
<v Speaker 1>won't be using her image. Yeah, that's okay.

1:05:31.560 --> 1:05:33.440
<v Speaker 4>Talk to him first. Have you talked to any of

1:05:33.480 --> 1:05:36.040
<v Speaker 4>your friends about it or people who know who he is?

1:05:36.760 --> 1:05:40.240
<v Speaker 5>Just like little things, but not to the full extent.

1:05:40.320 --> 1:05:43.320
<v Speaker 4>But that's why you feel so lonely, honey, I know. Yeah,

1:05:43.360 --> 1:05:46.280
<v Speaker 4>you're not sharing it, that's why you're feeling so lonely.

1:05:47.080 --> 1:05:50.720
<v Speaker 5>But I also you know, if you are going to

1:05:50.760 --> 1:05:52.640
<v Speaker 5>stay with the person, you don't want everyone around you

1:05:52.680 --> 1:05:53.479
<v Speaker 5>to hate them either.

1:05:54.080 --> 1:05:56.880
<v Speaker 1>No, but everybody has problems in their marriages, you know,

1:05:57.000 --> 1:05:59.640
<v Speaker 1>it's not like people. Everyone has to have a confidant,

1:06:00.200 --> 1:06:01.960
<v Speaker 1>and it's going to be it's going to lighten the

1:06:01.960 --> 1:06:04.240
<v Speaker 1>load for you as well, getting it off your chest,

1:06:04.360 --> 1:06:07.320
<v Speaker 1>so to speak. You want to confide in people. People

1:06:07.400 --> 1:06:09.400
<v Speaker 1>are there for you that you don't realize a lot

1:06:09.480 --> 1:06:11.840
<v Speaker 1>of us want to like carry the burdens all by ourselves,

1:06:12.200 --> 1:06:15.480
<v Speaker 1>and that's just not fair. You know, when you you

1:06:15.520 --> 1:06:18.000
<v Speaker 1>need somebody to lean on, I guarantee you there's plenty

1:06:18.040 --> 1:06:21.440
<v Speaker 1>of people that would welcome that in your life. So

1:06:21.640 --> 1:06:22.760
<v Speaker 1>open that channel too.

1:06:23.280 --> 1:06:25.040
<v Speaker 4>You don't have to sit there alone with it.

1:06:25.160 --> 1:06:27.400
<v Speaker 1>Talk about how much you know how terrible he is.

1:06:27.480 --> 1:06:29.720
<v Speaker 1>It's just that you feel alone and your marriage is

1:06:29.880 --> 1:06:33.960
<v Speaker 1>definitely in a rut. You're not even communicating. He must

1:06:34.000 --> 1:06:36.360
<v Speaker 1>feel that way, and I think you should tell him. Listen,

1:06:36.440 --> 1:06:38.200
<v Speaker 1>even if you were having an affair, I'm not sure

1:06:38.200 --> 1:06:39.560
<v Speaker 1>that I would care at this point.

1:06:39.760 --> 1:06:43.320
<v Speaker 4>That's a great point. Yeah, tell him that. See how

1:06:43.360 --> 1:06:44.120
<v Speaker 4>that makes him feel.

1:06:44.200 --> 1:06:44.800
<v Speaker 5>Yeah, I will.

1:06:45.080 --> 1:06:47.000
<v Speaker 4>You need to talk to him, and then you need

1:06:47.040 --> 1:06:49.080
<v Speaker 4>to go and live your life on your terms. But

1:06:49.160 --> 1:06:51.840
<v Speaker 4>you're not alone. Go talk to you must have girlfriends.

1:06:51.880 --> 1:06:53.960
<v Speaker 4>You're so lovely. Go talk to your girlfriends.

1:06:54.120 --> 1:06:55.160
<v Speaker 5>I do have girlfriends.

1:06:55.520 --> 1:06:58.280
<v Speaker 4>Talk to them because it helps to get perspective for sure.

1:06:58.560 --> 1:07:01.040
<v Speaker 1>For sure. Don't carry it alone. And then check in

1:07:01.080 --> 1:07:02.760
<v Speaker 1>with us, okay in a few months, and let us

1:07:02.760 --> 1:07:05.320
<v Speaker 1>we know what you're doing. If you guys got into therapy,

1:07:05.840 --> 1:07:08.440
<v Speaker 1>if you're planning on leaving, what your plan is. But

1:07:08.560 --> 1:07:11.360
<v Speaker 1>know that financial freedom is probably the most important ingredient

1:07:11.440 --> 1:07:14.920
<v Speaker 1>in this equation, you know, because that means that you

1:07:14.960 --> 1:07:16.760
<v Speaker 1>can leave if you want, and a lot of people

1:07:16.760 --> 1:07:18.200
<v Speaker 1>don't have that privilege.

1:07:18.400 --> 1:07:20.600
<v Speaker 5>Okay, thank you guys so much. It was so nice

1:07:20.600 --> 1:07:21.160
<v Speaker 5>speaking with.

1:07:21.160 --> 1:07:23.760
<v Speaker 4>Oh, it was a pleasure. Good luck, Yeah, good luck.

1:07:23.760 --> 1:07:24.320
<v Speaker 1>You can do this.

1:07:24.480 --> 1:07:26.280
<v Speaker 4>You've got this, go do it.

1:07:26.720 --> 1:07:28.120
<v Speaker 5>Thank you, brave.

1:07:27.920 --> 1:07:28.440
<v Speaker 4>You got it.

1:07:29.680 --> 1:07:32.440
<v Speaker 1>Good Luye Bye, bye, thanks girls.

1:07:32.480 --> 1:07:32.840
<v Speaker 5>Bye.

1:07:33.240 --> 1:07:34.760
<v Speaker 1>Okay, we're going to take a quick break and then

1:07:34.760 --> 1:07:36.760
<v Speaker 1>we're going to come back and wrap up with Juliana

1:07:36.800 --> 1:07:37.600
<v Speaker 1>Margy Lee's.

1:07:41.720 --> 1:07:45.520
<v Speaker 4>Oh, there's nothing worse than feeling alone in a relationship.

1:07:45.720 --> 1:07:48.840
<v Speaker 1>I know my friend said this the other day. She

1:07:49.000 --> 1:07:51.560
<v Speaker 1>was saying, well, she said it pretty publicly. I heard

1:07:51.560 --> 1:07:54.440
<v Speaker 1>Gwynneth say on Gwyneth Paltrow was talking about.

1:07:54.200 --> 1:08:01.560
<v Speaker 4>Well, I mean, you don't need the Pealtrow, but go on, okay.

1:08:00.320 --> 1:08:04.560
<v Speaker 1>Call her daddy this Alexandra Cooper podcast, and she was

1:08:04.600 --> 1:08:07.200
<v Speaker 1>saying how she felt very alone in her marriage to

1:08:07.280 --> 1:08:10.640
<v Speaker 1>Chris Martin, and I thought, how sad. You know, how

1:08:10.720 --> 1:08:12.920
<v Speaker 1>sad to feel alone in a marriage? You know, you

1:08:12.960 --> 1:08:17.040
<v Speaker 1>grow up. We are fed all of this bullshit. I mean,

1:08:17.080 --> 1:08:18.800
<v Speaker 1>you have a very healthy marriage. You're one of my

1:08:18.800 --> 1:08:21.240
<v Speaker 1>girlfriends that is in a normal, healthy relationship, and you

1:08:21.240 --> 1:08:23.040
<v Speaker 1>want to spend your birthday with him, So there you go.

1:08:24.479 --> 1:08:26.800
<v Speaker 1>But you grow up being fed this idea that we're

1:08:26.800 --> 1:08:29.400
<v Speaker 1>going to meet Prince Charming and that we're gonna fall

1:08:29.439 --> 1:08:32.479
<v Speaker 1>madly in love and all of these things, and we're

1:08:32.479 --> 1:08:34.439
<v Speaker 1>gonna have kids and that's gonna just be one big

1:08:34.520 --> 1:08:38.519
<v Speaker 1>rainbow after another. And it's like, well, that's ridiculous, and

1:08:38.600 --> 1:08:41.080
<v Speaker 1>I don't know why we're being spoon fed that. It's

1:08:41.160 --> 1:08:43.439
<v Speaker 1>just not realistic at all, and it doesn't take into

1:08:43.479 --> 1:08:44.920
<v Speaker 1>account life, right.

1:08:44.960 --> 1:08:47.559
<v Speaker 4>And it was interesting because when she was talking about

1:08:47.880 --> 1:08:49.840
<v Speaker 4>in her letter, when she was like, I never wanted kids,

1:08:49.880 --> 1:08:52.479
<v Speaker 4>I never wanted a husband. I'm independent, I'm you know,

1:08:52.560 --> 1:08:55.000
<v Speaker 4>she's a career woman. She's got and then she fell

1:08:55.000 --> 1:08:57.400
<v Speaker 4>in love, right, and in those love like when you're

1:08:57.439 --> 1:08:59.439
<v Speaker 4>all in love and then the babies come, and then

1:08:59.479 --> 1:09:02.280
<v Speaker 4>the fucking hard work comes and the sleepless nights and

1:09:02.320 --> 1:09:05.519
<v Speaker 4>the exhaustion. Not to put people off, but the truth

1:09:05.600 --> 1:09:11.400
<v Speaker 4>is it's not easy. It's just not it's easier. You know,

1:09:11.560 --> 1:09:15.040
<v Speaker 4>I got married at forty, I got pregnant at forty.

1:09:15.479 --> 1:09:19.479
<v Speaker 4>I suggest everybody do that because I had lived and learned.

1:09:19.920 --> 1:09:21.559
<v Speaker 4>The reason I'm in a good marriage is because I

1:09:21.600 --> 1:09:25.000
<v Speaker 4>was in terrible relationships for years and I vowed rather

1:09:25.080 --> 1:09:27.840
<v Speaker 4>be alone than be with an asshole, And by the

1:09:27.840 --> 1:09:29.800
<v Speaker 4>time I met my husband, I was like, I don't

1:09:29.800 --> 1:09:31.960
<v Speaker 4>do this. I don't do that. Not to say I'm

1:09:32.000 --> 1:09:32.920
<v Speaker 4>not flexible, but.

1:09:33.240 --> 1:09:35.920
<v Speaker 1>You also make better decisions as you get older because

1:09:35.960 --> 1:09:38.719
<v Speaker 1>of our experience. So the longer you can prolong getting

1:09:38.720 --> 1:09:40.920
<v Speaker 1>married or having a child, the better.

1:09:41.360 --> 1:09:44.120
<v Speaker 4>But I do think the biggest issue, and this is

1:09:44.120 --> 1:09:46.920
<v Speaker 4>something that happens I think with much younger. You know,

1:09:47.000 --> 1:09:50.280
<v Speaker 4>she's thirty three and she's worried about the families, what

1:09:50.320 --> 1:09:53.280
<v Speaker 4>the outside families are going to think. When you get

1:09:53.280 --> 1:09:56.080
<v Speaker 4>to my age, you don't give a fuck exactly, Like

1:09:56.120 --> 1:09:58.360
<v Speaker 4>you're not You're not in my shoes and you're not

1:09:58.400 --> 1:09:58.840
<v Speaker 4>in my bed.

1:09:58.960 --> 1:10:02.000
<v Speaker 1>So you know, it's so silly to consider other people

1:10:02.040 --> 1:10:04.560
<v Speaker 1>really at all when you're dealing with a breakup. No,

1:10:04.720 --> 1:10:08.200
<v Speaker 1>unless it's just so silly because it's like, that's not

1:10:08.280 --> 1:10:10.840
<v Speaker 1>what it's about, right, Juliana, I'm going to see you

1:10:10.880 --> 1:10:12.200
<v Speaker 1>again in about an hour.

1:10:12.400 --> 1:10:15.439
<v Speaker 4>Yeah, we have an early dinner before our theater date

1:10:15.680 --> 1:10:18.000
<v Speaker 4>and so fun. I love doing your show.

1:10:18.160 --> 1:10:21.160
<v Speaker 1>Thank you for the sagacious advice today. You were amazing.

1:10:21.520 --> 1:10:24.800
<v Speaker 1>You really really were just blowing me away. I didn't

1:10:24.840 --> 1:10:25.719
<v Speaker 1>even know what to say.

1:10:26.360 --> 1:10:29.920
<v Speaker 4>I just love a girlfriend who knows to say sagacious.

1:10:30.200 --> 1:10:32.479
<v Speaker 4>Can we just start there? Yeah, just let's ed here,

1:10:32.640 --> 1:10:33.720
<v Speaker 4>t me on a little bit.

1:10:34.880 --> 1:10:36.040
<v Speaker 1>Well now you're lesbian.

1:10:36.439 --> 1:10:38.920
<v Speaker 4>Thank you, honey, thank you for having me. I'll be back.

1:10:39.000 --> 1:10:40.280
<v Speaker 1>Goodbye, everybody Bye.

1:10:41.640 --> 1:10:44.000
<v Speaker 2>If you'd like advice from Chelsea, shoot us an email

1:10:44.040 --> 1:10:47.120
<v Speaker 2>at Dear Chelsea podcast at gmail dot com and be

1:10:47.120 --> 1:10:50.200
<v Speaker 2>sure to include your phone number. Dear Chelsea is edited

1:10:50.200 --> 1:10:53.840
<v Speaker 2>and engineered by Brad Dickard executive producer Catherine Law and

1:10:53.920 --> 1:10:56.320
<v Speaker 2>be sure to check out our march at Chelseahandler dot

1:10:56.360 --> 1:10:57.280
<v Speaker 2>com