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Speaker 1: Hi, Catherine, Hi Chelsea. Hi, Well, I have been traveling

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Speaker 1: like a little at easter Bunny. Yeah, you're making my

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Speaker 1: rounds around the world, and I cannot tell you how

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Speaker 1: exciting and fun it is. It's so nice to be

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Speaker 1: out of the country. I've been out of the country.

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Speaker 2: I have to ask you, you have been so many

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Speaker 2: places this summer. You're going to Africa, are going to

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Speaker 2: all these different places. Is there anything still on your

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Speaker 2: bucket list? What's still on your bucket list?

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Speaker 3: Oh?

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Speaker 1: Yeah, of course. I haven't been to a lot of places.

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Speaker 1: I have never been to Prague. I've never been to Beirut,

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Speaker 1: which is supposed to be really interesting. I've never been

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Speaker 1: to Well. I would like to go to Istanbul, and

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Speaker 1: I want to go to Jordan. I want to go

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Speaker 1: to Jordan.

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Speaker 2: Oh yeah, So isn't that where that church that's like

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Speaker 2: carved into the stone is from Indiana Jones.

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Speaker 1: I'm not sure about that. But I need to know

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Speaker 1: someone who has lived in any of these places when

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Speaker 1: I go, because when I go to somewhere that I

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Speaker 1: really need to like, usually we get a tour guide

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Speaker 1: and that's fine. You know, they're actually very informative and

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Speaker 1: it's It's a good way to learn about the city

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Speaker 1: better than me left to my own devices, because I'll

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Speaker 1: just end up at a cafe drinking all day if

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Speaker 1: nobody says anything. But yeah, I don't know. I have

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Speaker 1: to find out who to take those trips with, and

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Speaker 1: I like to be with somebody who's been there before,

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Speaker 1: Like India is another place that I would like to

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Speaker 1: go back to without working, because when I went there,

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Speaker 1: I was filming as well. Russia. I've been there. I'm

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Speaker 1: wrapped on Russia as everyone. You're good with that, I'm

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Speaker 1: good with that. So I don't know what I have

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Speaker 1: on my bucket list. Probably I want to take my

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Speaker 1: sisters to Bora Borat because they've never been there and

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Speaker 1: that was one of the happiest trips of my life,

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Speaker 1: which I've discussed on the show. Oh. I also started

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Speaker 1: reading The Body Keeps the Score You did. It's pretty heavy,

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Speaker 1: Like I didn't realize how heavy it was. So I

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Speaker 1: started reading that, and then I realized I have eight

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Speaker 1: books i'm reading, and with traveling, I'm downloading them on

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Speaker 1: my kindle. I mean, oh, sorry, I don't have a

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Speaker 1: kiddled my iPad, but my iPad's fucking battery runs out

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Speaker 1: so quickly, so it's very so I need a hardcover,

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Speaker 1: and I much prefer a hardcover anyway. But I'm in

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Speaker 1: the middle of like six books, and when I travel,

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Speaker 1: I don't read as much because I'm too busy gallivan

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Speaker 1: hunting around, you know, hooking up with strangers and chatting

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Speaker 1: to meet friends and being like that.

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Speaker 2: Yeah, well, okay, tell me if you can help me

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Speaker 2: with this, because Brad and I are going well, we

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Speaker 2: have our fifteenth wedding anniversary this year. Oh my god,

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Speaker 2: how wild?

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Speaker 1: Fifteen years is a long time, a long.

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Speaker 2: Time, and we've been together for eighteen oh like truly,

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Speaker 2: if we had gotten pregnant our first night dating, then

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Speaker 2: we would basically have a high school graduate.

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Speaker 1: Yeah, but what kind of fucking logic is that we

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Speaker 1: are not talking about that I was almost in a

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Speaker 1: plane crash. What do you mean?

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Speaker 4: Yeah, it does feel that way, but I.

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Speaker 1: Actually it was pregnant when I was fifteen years old,

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Speaker 1: So if I had a baby, that's something to talk about.

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Speaker 1: If I had a baby. If I had had my

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Speaker 1: baby when I was pregnant, wait, let's do the math

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Speaker 1: on this. I would be he would be I'm forty eight,

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Speaker 1: that baby would be thirty. Shit, I would have a

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Speaker 1: thirty three year old baby. Wow, well you woun to

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Speaker 1: be a baby. I don't know why it's a he

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Speaker 1: but yeah, oh god, thank god you made some right

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Speaker 1: life choices.

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Speaker 2: So we are going away somewhere for our fifteenth anniversary.

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Speaker 4: Underware.

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Speaker 2: Okay, Brad says his limit for a trip is nine days.

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Speaker 2: He won't go for longer than way to Italy for

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Speaker 2: a month.

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Speaker 1: We can work from there. He's like, no, why, Brad,

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Speaker 1: what's your doing? I get stir crazy, stir crazy. You're

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Speaker 1: on vacation.

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Speaker 2: But I've got other stuff that I like to do, Chelsea.

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Speaker 1: Yeah, I got shit to do.

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Speaker 3: No, I feel like nine days you start to feel like,

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Speaker 3: all right, I'm ready to go home now.

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Speaker 1: Oh that's so funny. I never feel like it's time

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Speaker 1: to go home.

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Speaker 4: I mean, don't get me wrong.

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Speaker 1: I like being on the road. I like traveling, but

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Speaker 1: then at a certain point I'm ready for my own

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Speaker 1: bed and a comfortable familiar surrounding.

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Speaker 5: You know.

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Speaker 1: Okay, so nine minutes, get back to nine days. I

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Speaker 1: don't well, you could do that anything. I don't know

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Speaker 1: where you would go for nine days? You could break

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Speaker 1: it up. Go to Italy, go to Pulia. Yeah yeah,

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Speaker 1: people like those pictures there. And then there's Chinca tra

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Speaker 1: or Sinca Ta, I don't know how you say it.

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Speaker 1: And that's supposed to be beautiful. You can bounce around

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Speaker 1: Italy in nine.

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Speaker 4: Days, That's what I'm kind of.

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Speaker 1: Florence is the best city in Italy in my opinion

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Speaker 1: that I've been to, most like the most beautiful, sexy,

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Speaker 1: beautiful museums there. I mean, Rome is cool, but Rome's

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Speaker 1: like a shit show.

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Speaker 4: Yeah, out of control. Yeah. I've literally been trying to

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Speaker 4: get her to go to Italy with me for like.

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Speaker 1: Oh, there you go.

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Speaker 2: That's so any time you just take me.

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Speaker 5: Yeah.

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Speaker 1: The thing is with my house in my Orca. I

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Speaker 1: stopped going to Italy when I bought this house. I

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Speaker 1: don't really go anywhere else except for my worka so yeah,

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Speaker 1: but I'm heading to Portugal soon, so we'll see how

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Speaker 1: that goes.

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Speaker 4: That will be fun.

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Speaker 2: We were almost going to go to Portugal because my

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Speaker 2: cousin was getting married there and now she's getting married

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Speaker 2: in La.

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Speaker 1: I need to find a Spanish, Portuguese or Italian man

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Speaker 1: that is taller and bigger than me.

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Speaker 2: Who knows the area so he can take you on tours.

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Speaker 1: Yeah yeah, yeah and broken English like that, back and forth.

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Speaker 2: Yeah, send us your recommendations, everybody.

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Speaker 1: Okay, okay, guys, we have added more shows to my

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Speaker 1: Little Big Bitch tour because I'm coming all over. We

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Speaker 1: added a second show at the Pantagius in Los Angeles,

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Speaker 1: so that's October twelfth and Friday the thirteenth. We added

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Speaker 1: a second show in Boston at the Waning Center September

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Speaker 1: twenty ninth and thirtieth is two shows in New York.

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Speaker 1: I also have a show in East Hampton, New York,

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Speaker 1: August twenty six. We added a second show in Portland,

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Speaker 1: so Thursday, November tewod Friday November third, and Portland November

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Speaker 1: fourth and fifth. In San Francisco, two shows there. We

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Speaker 1: added a second show in Seattle November tenth and eleventh.

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Speaker 1: Two shows Boston are November sixteenth and seventeenth at the

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Speaker 1: Bach Center at Wang Theater. And I'm also coming to

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Speaker 1: Toronto and Montreal and Ottawa and so many other cities Columbus, Cincinnati, Detroit, Louisville.

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Speaker 1: So I will see everybody at all of these shows.

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Speaker 1: Thank you, get your tickets at Chelseahandler dot com. Our

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Speaker 1: guest today is back by popular demand. Many of you

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Speaker 1: love her because you've heard her on this podcast, or

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Speaker 1: I should say you love her on this podcast if

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Speaker 1: that's not how you've heard of her. But she's a

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Speaker 1: very good friend of mine, and it is an absolute

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Speaker 1: delight because she loves giving advice as much as I do.

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Speaker 1: Juliana Marghi, le's Catherine. Hi, Hi, your favorite person is here?

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Speaker 2: Hi, Catherine, Hi, Juliana.

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Speaker 4: I knew Katherine wasn't going to be here, so I

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Speaker 4: didn't bring you this disgusting.

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Speaker 2: I heard Macha lemonade.

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Speaker 4: So there's a store downstairs, and I was like, well,

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Speaker 4: she's probably already had coffee. I've had coffee. What's a

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Speaker 4: Maucha lemonade?

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Speaker 1: You've been watching too much of Keeping Up with the Kardashians.

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Speaker 1: Oh no, it's not called that anymore. What is it

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Speaker 1: called the Kardashians? The kardash Courtney Kardashian All. She bangs

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Speaker 1: on about Macha lemonade the whole time.

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Speaker 4: Do you know I've never seen one episode?

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Speaker 1: Of course you haven't. Good for you?

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Speaker 4: Okay, Hi, Hi?

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Speaker 1: More than that. Later we'll talk about it. I'm sure

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Speaker 1: we are. We have our very sexual guest. She's back

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Speaker 1: by popular demand because of her sexual voice and her

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Speaker 1: sexual advice. Juliana marky Lea's is back for the What time?

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Speaker 1: Is this the third time?

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Speaker 4: Third time?

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Speaker 1: I love it? But we're on season four, so we're

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Speaker 1: gonna have to double up because you need to be

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Speaker 1: in and I think we need to stop having seasons. Catherine,

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Speaker 1: isn't that girl?

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Speaker 4: How does the podcast season work?

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Speaker 1: Exactly?

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Speaker 4: Is it?

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Speaker 2: We make it up as we go along. Basically fiscal year?

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Speaker 4: How does that work? Do I do my taxes by it?

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Speaker 1: It's basically whenever I decide I need two weeks off,

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Speaker 1: that's the break we get.

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Speaker 4: Got it? And this time I'm just your cohort.

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Speaker 1: Yeah, I mean, I don't even have any questions to

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Speaker 1: ask you, because I've talked to you all the time. Actually,

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Speaker 1: I do have some questions to ask you. Juliana and

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Speaker 1: I have a date tonight.

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Speaker 4: We have a romantic evening planned.

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Speaker 1: Because Juliana also has a birthday coming up tomorrow, which

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Speaker 1: she wants to spend with her husband. I'm not sure why,

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Speaker 1: but I'll go with it.

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Speaker 3: I know.

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Speaker 1: Chelsea was like, no, let's do it on your birthday.

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Speaker 4: I'm like, ah, I'm a husband, have dinner.

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Speaker 1: What does he have to do with anything?

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Speaker 4: You can? Yeah, so we're doing it. Actually it's better because,

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Speaker 4: first of all, I want to say one thing. I

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Speaker 4: was listening to a podcast. Rarely do I not listen

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Speaker 4: to yours, Okay, but I heard Dion von Furstenberg on

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Speaker 4: Julia Louis Dreyfus is Wiser than me.

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Speaker 1: Oh yeah, I heard. That's a great podcast.

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Speaker 4: It's great. I think I texted you and I was like, Chelsea,

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Speaker 4: you need to listen to this because it's all women

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Speaker 4: are older than her, and she and Julie is older

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Speaker 4: than us. So it's just these beautiful words of wisdom.

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Speaker 4: And Dion, who I know, but oftentimes when I see her,

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Speaker 4: I can't really understand what she's saying. I've met, but

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Speaker 4: she was so clear on this podcast. Anyway, I was

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Speaker 4: watering my garden last weekend and one of the questions

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Speaker 4: that Julia Louis Dreyfus always asks her guests or do

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Speaker 4: you mind if I ask you your age? And most

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Speaker 4: of them all say not at all, I'm seventy five

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Speaker 4: whatever not Dion. Dion said, you can but I don't

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Speaker 4: like the way you phrased it. I like to say,

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Speaker 4: how many years have you lived? It's much more honorable

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Speaker 4: it is. And I realize, like, yeah, to say even

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Speaker 4: to a kid, like how many years have you lived

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Speaker 4: on this planet? I've lived nine years. It suddenly makes

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Speaker 4: age seem exciting, yeah, rather than horrifying.

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Speaker 1: I agree with that. I've been actually examining the way

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Speaker 1: that I feel about elderly people recently, because you know,

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Speaker 1: in other cultures. I mean, I hate when people say

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Speaker 1: certain cultures are more family oriented than other cultures, because

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Speaker 1: to me, what culture isn't family oriented? Besides like isis?

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Speaker 1: You know what I mean? Like everyone likes their family anyway.

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Speaker 1: I don't know if isis is a culture, but they'd

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Speaker 1: like to be any anyway. And I realize, like when

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Speaker 1: my grandparents, like when people become kind of i don't know,

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Speaker 1: ineffectual or like they're not really participating in life the

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Speaker 1: way that you value people participating in life. I've noticed

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Speaker 1: that I don't take the elderly as seriously as I

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Speaker 1: want to, Like, I'm dismissive of somebody when they're out

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Speaker 1: of it, when they're old and they're out of it,

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Speaker 1: like when my dad hit a wall. And I know

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Speaker 1: your mom had a big birthday recently, eighty eight.

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Speaker 4: Right had my stepmother's ninety one today. Oh wow, yeah,

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Speaker 4: thank you dad for leaving me her and.

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Speaker 1: And tell me what your thoughts on that what I'm saying.

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Speaker 4: So you know in Japan it's opposite, right, The older

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Speaker 4: you are, the more respected you.

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Speaker 1: The more revered. Sorry, I have Juliana brought some Macha lemonade.

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Speaker 1: It's awful, it's not I have to gargle really sparkling water.

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Speaker 1: I'm actually going to find you for bringing that instead

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Speaker 1: of saying thank you.

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Speaker 4: The reason I brought it was because I'm always early.

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Speaker 4: I was downstairs early at two rather than to twenty

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Speaker 4: five when I was supposed to be here. And I thought, oh,

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Speaker 4: I'll bring Chelsea something to drink. She's been in a

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Speaker 4: studio all day. And then I thought, Chelsea's so adventurous,

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Speaker 4: she's always trying new things, she's always going to different countries.

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Speaker 4: Don't get the same old same old get her. And

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Speaker 4: I said to the guy, what's a matcha lemonade? That

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Speaker 4: sounds bizarre, and he goes, it's really good. It's awful,

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Speaker 4: and it.

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Speaker 1: Also needs to be. I don't understand in New York

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Speaker 1: or really anywhere why they don't put more ice in drinks.

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Speaker 1: When you put a little amount of ice in drinks,

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Speaker 1: it melts faster.

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Speaker 4: It's a natural store down there, that's why.

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Speaker 1: Yeah.

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Speaker 4: Yeah, anyway, that's a very American thing.

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Speaker 1: Ice. I know, I know, I know. I've been traveling.

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Speaker 4: You understand that when we're going on a romantic vacation,

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Speaker 4: Chelsea and I, and when we go to London and

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Speaker 4: you ask for ice, they put one cube.

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Speaker 1: In the Oh. I don't worry. I'm prepared, okay, I

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Speaker 1: already ship ice, ship ice ahead. You think with all

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Speaker 1: these ice, you think with all these ice cups melting,

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Speaker 1: we'd have more fucking ice, not less of it. We

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Speaker 1: need to get that ice and use it for drinks.

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Speaker 1: My friend was going off the other day about water,

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Speaker 1: and then I was talking to somebody else this morning

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Speaker 1: about water. You know, because everyone's always shoving water or

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Speaker 1: down our throats, like water is so important. You have

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Speaker 1: to have water, water, water, water. And now all I

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Speaker 1: hear from doctors is it doesn't matter how much water

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Speaker 1: you drink, you will never hydrate yourself. You have to

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Speaker 1: put electrolytes in the water you have to And I'm like, okay,

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Speaker 1: but why has everyone been banging on about water for

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Speaker 1: so many years if it doesn't do anything. In fact,

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Speaker 1: if you drink too much water, it can make you dehydrated. Yeah,

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Speaker 1: so now I'm just gonna snort my electrolytes.

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Speaker 4: So I put I use those doctor Nigba electrolytes with

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Speaker 4: vitamin C complex or whatever it is, and I put

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Speaker 4: a big thing in when I go work out, and

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Speaker 4: I drink that whole thing and then I'm like, I'm

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Speaker 4: good for the day. I'm sure I should have more.

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Speaker 1: I don't think so.

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Speaker 4: No, it's enough.

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Speaker 1: I mean there's water and everything else we're drinking.

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Speaker 4: Although I had a friend who was addicted to diet

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Speaker 4: coke and she's like, it's liquid waters.

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Speaker 1: Tell me about Okay, go back to the elderly conversation.

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Speaker 4: So like in Japan, they revere their elders. The older

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Speaker 4: you are, the more respect you get. And that makes

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Speaker 4: total sense to me. In Sweden, the elderly are cared

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Speaker 4: for in this country, especially because I'm taking care of

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Speaker 4: two elderly women. My stepmother is she can't move and

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Speaker 4: she has m essay which is multiple systems atrophied. Everything

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Speaker 4: is atropheeded. So she you know, you need to feed

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Speaker 4: her and what. And I have her in a nursing home.

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Speaker 4: But I'm lucky because I can afford it. Insurance doesn't

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Speaker 4: pay for a nice one, you know, And I pay

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Speaker 4: for a woman to come and see her every day

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Speaker 4: because she's way up in Massachusetts and she didn't want

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Speaker 4: to move when my dad died. And I just think, like,

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Speaker 4: this country doesn't take care of their elders. All the

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Speaker 4: old people unless you are financially okay, you're screwed. And

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Speaker 4: the young people don't respect the elders at all.

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Speaker 3: I know.

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Speaker 1: It's a really I noticed that about myself and I

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Speaker 1: was like and then I was like, oh, maybe it's

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Speaker 1: my own experience with my father, because when he became

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Speaker 1: so old, he was just kind of, you know, not

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Speaker 1: really there and in a home, and so we'd go

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Speaker 1: and visit him and it was like talking to a

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Speaker 1: big brick and I was like, well, what's the point

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Speaker 1: of this, Like, what's the point of even visiting? And

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Speaker 1: my sister's like, it's matters to touch and to talk,

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Speaker 1: like it matters, even though he doesn't know what's going

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Speaker 1: on really like it's important for you to like give

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Speaker 1: him loving words and stuff. And I was like, oh, okay,

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Speaker 1: I didn't realize that, but I think I have to

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Speaker 1: pay more attention to the elderly.

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Speaker 4: Also, my mom has middle stage dementia, and there are

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Speaker 4: days where it's brutal, but then there are moments where

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Speaker 4: she's really lucid, and the clarity and the little snippets

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Speaker 4: of wisdom I had to read because I would get

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Speaker 4: angry because I didn't want to see her like that.

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Speaker 4: I would be like, stop, you know, because it's your mom.

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Speaker 4: But then I decided, Okay, this is where where I

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Speaker 4: can't change what's happening to her brain or her age, right,

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Speaker 4: this is the natural progression of life. But what I

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Speaker 4: can change is my response to it. So one of

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Speaker 4: the things I started doing instead of saying, because she

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Speaker 4: punishes me for taking her car away, she could not

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Speaker 4: drive anywhere, And instead of me getting angry or saying, well, mom,

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Speaker 4: you would leave the car on in the garage for

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Speaker 4: five hours while you were home. You understand you can't

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Speaker 4: drive on, instead, I go, you know what, that must

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Speaker 4: be really hard when you're used to being independent your

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Speaker 4: whole life and having that taken away. I have such

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Speaker 4: empathy for it. And she just looked and she goes, oh,

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Speaker 4: thank you. It stopped the fighting and it stopped It

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Speaker 4: made our moments together joyful rather than tense, which they

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Speaker 4: were in the beginning, because it was a very difficult

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Speaker 4: transition to go from an independent woman to assisted living.

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Speaker 4: I mean, she was mortified in her lucid moments. But

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Speaker 4: I tell you, I am restructuring my brain on how

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Speaker 4: to respond even to my stepmother, who hallucinates great shit.

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Speaker 4: She I mean, I went to see her last week

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Speaker 4: and she said, oh, your sister is such a bitch.

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Speaker 4: My sister lives in Los Angeles. And I said, and Vicky,

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Speaker 4: my step mother can't talk on the phone because she

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Speaker 4: can't hear and she can't pick up the phone. And well,

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Speaker 4: she was sitting right there in that chair this morning

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Speaker 4: and told me I looked fat and old. And I said, oh, Vicky,

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Speaker 4: she even if she thought that, I pretty I'm pretty

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Speaker 4: sure she wouldn't say that to you. And also she

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Speaker 4: lives in California. Nope, I was sitting right there. And

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Speaker 4: then I said, VICKI think about it. Maybe you're projecting

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Speaker 4: how you feel about yourself and you're putting it onto her.

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Speaker 4: And she had this incredibly lucid moment. She goes, she

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Speaker 4: calls me Julie. She goes, Julie, Oh my god, you're right.

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Speaker 4: It's how I feel.

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Speaker 1: And I just thought, like, this is great.

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Speaker 4: This is great material for writing, this is great material

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Speaker 4: for a life lesson, Like, I'm not going to get

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Speaker 4: angry at her because she called my sister a bitch.

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Speaker 4: I know she doesn't mean it. My sister certainly isn't

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Speaker 4: a bitch. And my sister wasn't even there. This is

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Speaker 4: all in her head and it's theater. It's like I

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Speaker 4: sit there and I watch her. I mean, she told

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Speaker 4: me she was writing a book. I said, you are.

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Speaker 4: I'm not going to tell you the title. It's great,

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Speaker 4: you'll steal it. And I said, no, no, I'm good,

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Speaker 4: vic I'm not going to steal it, but don't tell

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Speaker 4: me if you don't want. She goes, well, hold on,

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Speaker 4: let me ask how. And I thought how was like

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Speaker 4: a nurse's aid or somebody. And she leans over sort

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Speaker 4: of with her neck, and then she looks at me.

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Speaker 4: She said, Hell says it's okay, And I go, oh,

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Speaker 4: is hell here? And she goes, of course, like I'm

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Speaker 4: an asshole, and I said, I'm so sorry I didn't

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Speaker 4: see him. And here's the title of the book. Now,

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Speaker 4: how can this happen? Okay, the title of the book

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Speaker 4: is Placido Domingo Sings in the Furnished Basement.

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Speaker 1: That's so funny, man. I used to do that shit

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Speaker 1: all the time, writing books, writing books, writing books. I

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Speaker 1: wonder if that's something that comes when you're older and

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Speaker 1: you have dementia, that you think you're like whatever you

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Speaker 1: wished you were right, you become.

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Speaker 4: She loved Placido Domingo and she was an a cheerier designer.

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Speaker 4: She likes to redo a basement, so maybe it's also

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Speaker 4: her mind realizing it has to keep itself company, you know.

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Speaker 4: So maybe she's keeping herself company. So instead of me

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Speaker 4: walking out of their feeling depressed, which is how I

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Speaker 4: used to feel all the time, or I'd look up

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Speaker 4: and be like Jesus Christ, Dad, seriously, you left me

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Speaker 4: this because it's a lot, and I always feel guilty

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Speaker 4: for not doing more. Instead, I like, I drive back

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Speaker 4: to the city laughing because I'm like, that was such

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Speaker 4: great entertainment and I will use it one day. For sure.

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Speaker 4: I'm going to write a book called Placido Domingos Things.

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Speaker 2: I'll send you a copy of this book. But in

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Speaker 2: a past life, I was a ghostwriter for people who

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Speaker 2: work with Alzheimer's patients and dementia patients. And that's actually

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Speaker 2: exactly what they recommend that you do. Is rather than saying, like,

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Speaker 2: you know, if they're asking about their husband, like oh,

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Speaker 2: he died several years ago, then they go through this

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Speaker 2: whole grief stage all over again, you just say, oh,

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Speaker 2: I haven't seen him today. Change the subject. You know,

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Speaker 2: it's this response in a different way, just go yeah, yeah, exactly.

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Speaker 2: But I'll send you a book by Joe Huey. She

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Speaker 2: was one of the most wonderful experts that we worked

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Speaker 2: with and went through it with her own mother and

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Speaker 2: developed all these amazing strategies.

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Speaker 4: Oh wonder, I didn't know that you did that note.

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Speaker 4: That's fascinating. Yeah.

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Speaker 1: When you said previous life, I thought you were talking

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Speaker 1: seriously about a previous life. I'm like, well, I just

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Speaker 1: pretty specific. First, are we going there?

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Speaker 4: Passwork life?

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Speaker 1: It's a bit much at the top of the show.

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Speaker 4: No, thank you, But I do think it's about art.

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Speaker 4: It's about how what our responses are with anything. Obviously

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Speaker 4: it's your response to it. And the elderly need to

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Speaker 4: be respected and loved, you really do. And they're baddy

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Speaker 4: and crazy some of them, and some of them aren't.

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Speaker 4: Like some of them are completely lucid and have the

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Speaker 4: best advice to give.

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Speaker 1: Like my friend's dad just died and she was telling

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Speaker 1: me how he was. You know, they were sitting together.

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Speaker 1: Obviously that's a different situation when someone's passing, but they

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Speaker 1: were sitting together and she's like, yeah, you know, I

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Speaker 1: had to change his diapers five days in a row.

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Speaker 1: And I'm like, I don't know that I would do that.

433
00:19:33,960 --> 00:19:35,760
Speaker 1: She goes, of course you would do it, Chelsea, and

434
00:19:35,800 --> 00:19:38,280
Speaker 1: I'm like, I don't know that I would. I would

435
00:19:38,400 --> 00:19:40,800
Speaker 1: probably have somebody else do that. Like I don't think

436
00:19:40,840 --> 00:19:43,560
Speaker 1: I could handle changing my father's diaper. I don't think

437
00:19:43,560 --> 00:19:45,600
Speaker 1: I could either, and I wish I could, but I

438
00:19:45,640 --> 00:19:48,440
Speaker 1: don't think that that's I would be dishonest to pretend

439
00:19:48,480 --> 00:19:49,280
Speaker 1: that I think I could do.

440
00:19:49,359 --> 00:19:51,280
Speaker 4: Although you never know until you're you know. I always

441
00:19:51,280 --> 00:19:53,640
Speaker 4: say to my husband every time after I visit my stepmother,

442
00:19:53,640 --> 00:19:55,919
Speaker 4: because my mother's living a beautiful life and she walks

443
00:19:55,920 --> 00:19:58,879
Speaker 4: and still teach us at this place, like she's living

444
00:19:58,880 --> 00:20:01,000
Speaker 4: a full life. But my stepmother's in a bed, you know,

445
00:20:01,160 --> 00:20:03,640
Speaker 4: in a nursing home and can't move. And I every

446
00:20:03,640 --> 00:20:05,359
Speaker 4: time I come home, I say to him, if I

447
00:20:05,400 --> 00:20:08,399
Speaker 4: cannot wipe my own ass, please just put a pillow

448
00:20:08,440 --> 00:20:12,720
Speaker 4: over my head and kill me. And he's very philosophical

449
00:20:12,720 --> 00:20:14,600
Speaker 4: about always goes. You know, you never know until you're

450
00:20:14,640 --> 00:20:17,200
Speaker 4: in their shoes. You just don't know. Maybe she actually

451
00:20:17,640 --> 00:20:20,720
Speaker 4: is enjoying her life. You know, people are doting on her,

452
00:20:21,200 --> 00:20:23,280
Speaker 4: everyone's around her. She doesn't have to lift a finger.

453
00:20:23,359 --> 00:20:25,400
Speaker 4: She certainly doesn't have to cook, clean or make her bed.

454
00:20:26,000 --> 00:20:27,800
Speaker 4: And he goes. You just don't know until you get there.

455
00:20:27,880 --> 00:20:30,639
Speaker 4: But I do believe you don't know until you're.

456
00:20:30,520 --> 00:20:32,720
Speaker 1: There that I would clean somebody's shit up, or if

457
00:20:32,760 --> 00:20:35,320
Speaker 1: I would enjoy myself, if I would enjoy shitting my

458
00:20:35,400 --> 00:20:37,159
Speaker 1: own pants. Is that what you're saying?

459
00:20:37,280 --> 00:20:39,960
Speaker 4: Ay, I don't think you would enjoy shitting your own pants,

460
00:20:39,960 --> 00:20:42,040
Speaker 4: but be when you're at the point of shitting your

461
00:20:42,040 --> 00:20:43,360
Speaker 4: own pants. I don't think you know.

462
00:20:44,000 --> 00:20:46,879
Speaker 1: Right, But you could be happy, as your argument.

463
00:20:46,680 --> 00:20:48,960
Speaker 4: Or my argument is not that I would ever be

464
00:20:49,080 --> 00:20:52,080
Speaker 4: happy cleaning up someone's shit, I'd probably vomit a little bit.

465
00:20:52,560 --> 00:20:55,440
Speaker 4: But I think if you love someone, yeah, and you

466
00:20:55,640 --> 00:20:58,520
Speaker 4: get over the first few times of it, it becomes listen,

467
00:20:58,560 --> 00:21:01,920
Speaker 4: look what That's why nurse are my heroes. Yeah, they're

468
00:21:01,920 --> 00:21:04,960
Speaker 4: my heroes. Look what they do, I know, and they

469
00:21:05,000 --> 00:21:06,440
Speaker 4: do it without blinking.

470
00:21:06,680 --> 00:21:06,879
Speaker 1: I know.

471
00:21:07,080 --> 00:21:09,400
Speaker 4: And the smells that are in the it is.

472
00:21:09,440 --> 00:21:10,840
Speaker 1: But you are right. I think if you do clean

473
00:21:10,920 --> 00:21:13,119
Speaker 1: up someone's shit a couple of times, it probably isn't

474
00:21:13,160 --> 00:21:15,000
Speaker 1: so traumatizing the fourth or.

475
00:21:15,000 --> 00:21:17,840
Speaker 4: Fifth Yeah, yeah, I.

476
00:21:17,840 --> 00:21:24,480
Speaker 1: Mean, no, let's switch topics. I want to give it

477
00:21:24,640 --> 00:21:27,400
Speaker 1: okay because that was a lot of poop, yeah, and

478
00:21:27,680 --> 00:21:29,879
Speaker 1: a lot of elderly talk. But we're going to revere

479
00:21:29,920 --> 00:21:31,879
Speaker 1: our elderly, or at least I'm going to make a

480
00:21:31,960 --> 00:21:35,040
Speaker 1: bigger effort to revere my elderly. I need to get

481
00:21:35,040 --> 00:21:36,320
Speaker 1: more elderly people in my life.

482
00:21:36,480 --> 00:21:37,320
Speaker 4: Well, you've got me.

483
00:21:39,720 --> 00:21:41,600
Speaker 1: I know that you. You already mentioned that you've been

484
00:21:41,600 --> 00:21:45,560
Speaker 1: moonlighting by listening to Julia Louis Dreyfus's podcast, which we'll accept,

485
00:21:45,600 --> 00:21:48,240
Speaker 1: but we also I have intel that you were called

486
00:21:48,280 --> 00:21:51,320
Speaker 1: into Sarah Silverman's podcast and left a message.

487
00:21:51,400 --> 00:21:55,880
Speaker 4: I did, I did, I was given that private friends

488
00:21:56,359 --> 00:21:59,760
Speaker 4: friend's number, and I did not use it because I

489
00:21:59,800 --> 00:22:02,119
Speaker 4: felt like it was weird. I was like, I'm just

490
00:22:02,160 --> 00:22:05,560
Speaker 4: a caller. I'm a listener. I listen and I love her.

491
00:22:06,119 --> 00:22:09,959
Speaker 4: And I just was listening to how anxious people are

492
00:22:10,000 --> 00:22:13,720
Speaker 4: about the rise of anti Semitism. It's gone up seventy

493
00:22:13,760 --> 00:22:16,240
Speaker 4: seven percent. I saw that in the last two years,

494
00:22:16,240 --> 00:22:19,399
Speaker 4: and it is frightening. And it's not just a Jewish problem,

495
00:22:19,520 --> 00:22:23,080
Speaker 4: it's a universal problem. And I listened to podcasts all

496
00:22:23,080 --> 00:22:24,760
Speaker 4: the time because I'm always in the kitchen by myself,

497
00:22:24,800 --> 00:22:27,040
Speaker 4: and it's like I have my friends with me. And

498
00:22:27,119 --> 00:22:28,960
Speaker 4: so I called in. I looked it up on the

499
00:22:29,000 --> 00:22:31,680
Speaker 4: computer and then I left a message and I just said,

500
00:22:31,680 --> 00:22:33,920
Speaker 4: I am hearing everybody, and I feel like I felt

501
00:22:33,960 --> 00:22:36,840
Speaker 4: the same way, and I took a step to do

502
00:22:36,920 --> 00:22:39,199
Speaker 4: something about it rather than complain about it. And I

503
00:22:39,200 --> 00:22:41,159
Speaker 4: feel like you can reach out into your own community

504
00:22:41,560 --> 00:22:43,840
Speaker 4: and do something. And what I decided to do was

505
00:22:43,960 --> 00:22:48,159
Speaker 4: just educate, because I think anti Semitism is ignorance. And

506
00:22:48,240 --> 00:22:51,560
Speaker 4: if we educate our children, because only nineteen out of

507
00:22:51,560 --> 00:22:55,600
Speaker 4: fifty states in our country teach about the Holocaust, so

508
00:22:55,640 --> 00:22:59,080
Speaker 4: we need to start educating and it's been an incredible

509
00:22:59,160 --> 00:23:01,680
Speaker 4: journey and it's true bold and size in two years

510
00:23:01,800 --> 00:23:04,520
Speaker 4: my program, and I just feel like you can reach

511
00:23:04,600 --> 00:23:07,160
Speaker 4: out into your own community and do something rather than

512
00:23:07,600 --> 00:23:11,000
Speaker 4: sit by or sit back and feel afraid. And I

513
00:23:11,040 --> 00:23:15,080
Speaker 4: had no idea how many people feel the same way,

514
00:23:15,160 --> 00:23:19,320
Speaker 4: because when I reached out to everyone, I knew to

515
00:23:19,320 --> 00:23:22,280
Speaker 4: tell them about this program HESP that I started with

516
00:23:22,359 --> 00:23:27,440
Speaker 4: interns teaching middle and high school students. Everyone responded, everyone donated,

517
00:23:27,480 --> 00:23:30,960
Speaker 4: whether it was one hundred dollars or thirty five thousand dollars.

518
00:23:31,000 --> 00:23:34,560
Speaker 4: It was unbelievable. And within three weeks we have two

519
00:23:34,600 --> 00:23:38,600
Speaker 4: more years set up already. Wow with ten instead of

520
00:23:38,680 --> 00:23:40,800
Speaker 4: six in terms, we have ten now, so that'll reach

521
00:23:41,280 --> 00:23:43,600
Speaker 4: that'll reach sixty five hundred students.

522
00:23:43,720 --> 00:23:46,479
Speaker 1: And how did you work to conceptualize that with? I mean,

523
00:23:46,840 --> 00:23:48,000
Speaker 1: did you do that with somebody else?

524
00:23:48,160 --> 00:23:50,119
Speaker 4: I did it with the Museum of Jewish Heritage here

525
00:23:50,119 --> 00:23:53,199
Speaker 4: in New York because I happened to know if you

526
00:23:53,240 --> 00:23:56,000
Speaker 4: ever go to any of the Jewish museums across this country,

527
00:23:56,880 --> 00:24:00,400
Speaker 4: nine out of ten times is usually me touring. Get

528
00:24:00,400 --> 00:24:03,280
Speaker 4: I give my voice to them, and I do the tours. Really,

529
00:24:03,480 --> 00:24:05,040
Speaker 4: so when you put on the little yeah.

530
00:24:04,880 --> 00:24:07,040
Speaker 1: Yeah, Julia, and his voice is all over the world.

531
00:24:07,520 --> 00:24:09,919
Speaker 1: You never know, but you're always listening to Juliana. She

532
00:24:09,920 --> 00:24:11,280
Speaker 1: does a lot of voiceovers.

533
00:24:11,680 --> 00:24:13,879
Speaker 4: So it's one of the things I give because I

534
00:24:13,880 --> 00:24:16,479
Speaker 4: feel so blessed to be in the position I'm in.

535
00:24:16,560 --> 00:24:19,240
Speaker 4: So whenever they ask, I'm like, yeah, of course, let me.

536
00:24:19,520 --> 00:24:21,760
Speaker 4: I'll be your the tour guide for the new exhibit.

537
00:24:22,320 --> 00:24:25,159
Speaker 4: Did you ever read that book that Jodie Picot wrote

538
00:24:25,280 --> 00:24:27,280
Speaker 4: called Small Great Things? Yeah?

539
00:24:27,320 --> 00:24:28,159
Speaker 1: I think so.

540
00:24:28,160 --> 00:24:31,600
Speaker 4: So remember so that so Small Great Things is Martin

541
00:24:31,640 --> 00:24:35,159
Speaker 4: Luther King said you can't do big great things, but

542
00:24:35,200 --> 00:24:37,119
Speaker 4: you can do small great things. That's where the title

543
00:24:37,160 --> 00:24:41,399
Speaker 4: came from, which is how I feel about HESP. I'm like, okay, well,

544
00:24:41,440 --> 00:24:45,560
Speaker 4: and so I called him after I did this hosting

545
00:24:45,560 --> 00:24:48,160
Speaker 4: for CBS. I didn't think i'd get paid. I mean,

546
00:24:48,200 --> 00:24:50,560
Speaker 4: it was, of course a labor of love. But they did.

547
00:24:50,680 --> 00:24:52,879
Speaker 4: They paid me, and I wouldn't. I was like, that's crazy,

548
00:24:52,920 --> 00:24:55,639
Speaker 4: you can't, like, let's put that money to something. So

549
00:24:55,680 --> 00:24:58,399
Speaker 4: I called Jack Kleeger and I said, I want to

550
00:24:58,480 --> 00:25:01,399
Speaker 4: start an education program. Help me. Here's the money I

551
00:25:01,480 --> 00:25:04,000
Speaker 4: made from this thing, which was more money than I

552
00:25:04,040 --> 00:25:06,679
Speaker 4: thought i'd have, so I gave him the one hundred

553
00:25:06,720 --> 00:25:09,879
Speaker 4: grand and I said, let's start an education program. So

554
00:25:09,920 --> 00:25:13,400
Speaker 4: he and I sat down, because they have amazing Holocaust

555
00:25:14,040 --> 00:25:19,280
Speaker 4: historians there. So this program, we do an eight day

556
00:25:19,320 --> 00:25:22,520
Speaker 4: intensive training on how to teach about the Holocaust, and

557
00:25:22,560 --> 00:25:26,120
Speaker 4: then we send our interns out to all these schools,

558
00:25:26,160 --> 00:25:28,480
Speaker 4: mostly in the outer boroughs, and they teach middle to

559
00:25:28,520 --> 00:25:31,360
Speaker 4: high school students, all age appropriate. You know, we don't

560
00:25:31,400 --> 00:25:35,359
Speaker 4: go lower than middle school because it's tough. The younger

561
00:25:35,440 --> 00:25:37,560
Speaker 4: children don't need to know yet, but they do need

562
00:25:37,560 --> 00:25:41,320
Speaker 4: to know in seventh and eighth grade. And then after

563
00:25:41,440 --> 00:25:44,040
Speaker 4: the one hour class, we bust them all and all

564
00:25:44,040 --> 00:25:46,800
Speaker 4: of this is free. We bust them to the museum

565
00:25:47,080 --> 00:25:48,800
Speaker 4: and so then they can see what they've just heard

566
00:25:48,840 --> 00:25:49,639
Speaker 4: about and learned.

567
00:25:49,720 --> 00:25:52,560
Speaker 1: And are these non Jewish kids or Jewish kids?

568
00:25:52,760 --> 00:25:55,360
Speaker 4: Also the kids were teaching, uh huh, most of them

569
00:25:55,359 --> 00:25:57,919
Speaker 4: are non Jewish. There was a little boy in the

570
00:25:57,920 --> 00:26:01,080
Speaker 4: Bronx eighth grade and this little boy said, wow, so

571
00:26:01,680 --> 00:26:05,320
Speaker 4: six million Jews died in the Holocaust? Are there any left?

572
00:26:06,000 --> 00:26:08,720
Speaker 4: He didn't know, and he's what are you in eighth grade?

573
00:26:08,760 --> 00:26:11,960
Speaker 4: Twelve thirteen years old? So it's just lack of education,

574
00:26:12,119 --> 00:26:15,480
Speaker 4: and I feel like if we teach our kids young enough,

575
00:26:15,560 --> 00:26:17,879
Speaker 4: when they get old enough, because part of that book,

576
00:26:17,920 --> 00:26:21,719
Speaker 4: Small Great Things, which I found quite remarkable, was to

577
00:26:21,760 --> 00:26:25,600
Speaker 4: see the white supremacist side. She goes in there and

578
00:26:25,640 --> 00:26:28,280
Speaker 4: she sees the white supremacist side, and most of the

579
00:26:28,359 --> 00:26:33,080
Speaker 4: kids who are in these families were abandoned, had alcoholic

580
00:26:33,280 --> 00:26:35,520
Speaker 4: parents who didn't give a shit about them, and the

581
00:26:35,520 --> 00:26:38,719
Speaker 4: white supremacist said, you'll have a family with us, and

582
00:26:38,760 --> 00:26:42,159
Speaker 4: then they grow up with the hate learning they don't know,

583
00:26:42,880 --> 00:26:44,760
Speaker 4: but that's what they're taught. But they feel the love

584
00:26:44,800 --> 00:26:47,480
Speaker 4: from these people, and that's then what they vomit out

585
00:26:47,520 --> 00:26:48,040
Speaker 4: to the world.

586
00:26:48,080 --> 00:26:50,479
Speaker 1: And we only have fifteen million Jews left in this

587
00:26:50,600 --> 00:26:51,680
Speaker 1: whole world.

588
00:26:51,560 --> 00:26:54,119
Speaker 4: And the survivors are dying out. So part of this program,

589
00:26:54,200 --> 00:26:58,080
Speaker 4: which we are slowly taking to the national stage, the

590
00:26:58,160 --> 00:27:01,159
Speaker 4: idea is that this is a blueprint because it is working.

591
00:27:01,240 --> 00:27:04,639
Speaker 4: And I've now partnered with the AJC American Jewish Committee,

592
00:27:04,800 --> 00:27:06,720
Speaker 4: so we're going to start with the eastern seaports, so

593
00:27:06,720 --> 00:27:09,320
Speaker 4: we're going to spread it out to Connecticut, New Jersey

594
00:27:09,480 --> 00:27:12,879
Speaker 4: down to Washington and then hopefully spread it across the

595
00:27:12,880 --> 00:27:17,359
Speaker 4: country in rural places in Kentucky and Oklahoma and all

596
00:27:17,400 --> 00:27:21,560
Speaker 4: the places that never teach about Honestly, it's just history itself,

597
00:27:21,680 --> 00:27:24,159
Speaker 4: and if we don't teach about it, it will repeat itself.

598
00:27:24,240 --> 00:27:28,200
Speaker 4: So the idea is never again. But I feel strongly

599
00:27:28,400 --> 00:27:32,680
Speaker 4: for the children, grandchildren and great grandchildren of Holocaust survivors.

600
00:27:32,720 --> 00:27:35,440
Speaker 4: Because the survivors are dying out, you know, there's only

601
00:27:35,440 --> 00:27:38,920
Speaker 4: a few left. It is now their responsibility to make

602
00:27:38,960 --> 00:27:42,040
Speaker 4: sure that memory stays alive and to spread the word

603
00:27:42,400 --> 00:27:45,399
Speaker 4: that this can never happen again, and to share the

604
00:27:45,440 --> 00:27:48,520
Speaker 4: stories that their grandparents and great grandparents told them as children.

605
00:27:49,160 --> 00:27:51,360
Speaker 4: And one of the reasons why I think my program

606
00:27:51,440 --> 00:27:54,760
Speaker 4: is working is because we bring in these hip, young

607
00:27:54,840 --> 00:27:58,000
Speaker 4: college and graduate students to teach. Right, so high school

608
00:27:58,000 --> 00:28:01,640
Speaker 4: students in middle school kids love a young, hip teacher.

609
00:28:02,160 --> 00:28:03,560
Speaker 4: I don't know if they're hip, but to them they are.

610
00:28:03,560 --> 00:28:07,280
Speaker 4: You know, they're young, They're not like I know. I

611
00:28:07,320 --> 00:28:09,679
Speaker 4: said the word slay you slayed it the other day

612
00:28:09,720 --> 00:28:11,720
Speaker 4: and my son, my son looked at me and goes, oh,

613
00:28:11,760 --> 00:28:17,720
Speaker 4: my god, don't ever say that word. So my hope

614
00:28:17,760 --> 00:28:20,760
Speaker 4: is to get these great grandchildren into these classrooms to

615
00:28:20,840 --> 00:28:24,359
Speaker 4: talk about their great grandparents to tell the story because

616
00:28:24,359 --> 00:28:28,640
Speaker 4: it's the Holocaust deniers. It's just so bizarre that they're

617
00:28:28,680 --> 00:28:32,919
Speaker 4: just denying what has been archived for eighty years. But

618
00:28:33,080 --> 00:28:36,520
Speaker 4: anyway to say when they grow up, to say no, no,

619
00:28:36,600 --> 00:28:39,440
Speaker 4: that's not true, when they start hearing all that stuff,

620
00:28:39,560 --> 00:28:42,240
Speaker 4: go no, no, no, that's not true. But also to

621
00:28:42,360 --> 00:28:46,280
Speaker 4: turn it into something else, which is in October it

622
00:28:46,280 --> 00:28:49,120
Speaker 4: will be the eightieth anniversary of the Great Danish Rescue.

623
00:28:49,640 --> 00:28:54,000
Speaker 4: The Danes were incredible in World War Two. They rescued

624
00:28:54,040 --> 00:28:58,560
Speaker 4: seventy five hundred Jews by themselves in boats. And we

625
00:28:58,640 --> 00:29:01,200
Speaker 4: have the boat at the museum. It's in Connecticut, Mystic

626
00:29:01,200 --> 00:29:05,000
Speaker 4: Connecticut right now. And it was children, families rescue them

627
00:29:05,000 --> 00:29:08,200
Speaker 4: from where, rescue them from the Nazis from where Denmark

628
00:29:08,240 --> 00:29:12,240
Speaker 4: to Sweden, oh oh, at midnight in boats, back and forth,

629
00:29:12,280 --> 00:29:14,080
Speaker 4: back and forth, back and forth. And we're doing a

630
00:29:14,080 --> 00:29:17,680
Speaker 4: great exhibit actually in October at the museum for it.

631
00:29:17,760 --> 00:29:21,400
Speaker 4: But I was saying to the board there because I

632
00:29:21,400 --> 00:29:24,920
Speaker 4: wanted this to become a bigger and bigger program. I said,

633
00:29:24,920 --> 00:29:27,920
Speaker 4: you know what, movies, the movies that are huge that

634
00:29:28,040 --> 00:29:31,520
Speaker 4: kids go to are all about heroes. The Danes who

635
00:29:31,560 --> 00:29:35,040
Speaker 4: rescued these Jews who called them our brothers, our Danish

636
00:29:35,120 --> 00:29:37,680
Speaker 4: brothers and sisters, you know, and we will protect you.

637
00:29:38,520 --> 00:29:41,520
Speaker 4: They were heroes. So let's make this about being a

638
00:29:41,520 --> 00:29:44,640
Speaker 4: hero standing up to evil as opposed to it becoming

639
00:29:44,680 --> 00:29:50,680
Speaker 4: too political or too religious. Kids understand a hero, they

640
00:29:50,720 --> 00:29:54,240
Speaker 4: love going to see Marvel movies, which is all about heroes.

641
00:29:54,960 --> 00:29:58,239
Speaker 4: Let's make this about a heroic act to stand up

642
00:29:58,280 --> 00:30:01,680
Speaker 4: to someone who's anti Semitic. So I don't know, We're trying,

643
00:30:01,720 --> 00:30:02,760
Speaker 4: and it's we're starting.

644
00:30:02,840 --> 00:30:07,680
Speaker 1: How can our listeners learn more about HESSP, which means

645
00:30:08,120 --> 00:30:10,120
Speaker 1: at the end HESP H E s P.

646
00:30:10,520 --> 00:30:13,240
Speaker 4: I call my interns, my hespians. If you just go

647
00:30:13,440 --> 00:30:17,800
Speaker 4: on to the Museum of Jewish Heritage dot org and

648
00:30:18,000 --> 00:30:21,880
Speaker 4: type in HESP H e SP or the hes program,

649
00:30:22,000 --> 00:30:22,880
Speaker 4: you go right to it.

650
00:30:23,000 --> 00:30:25,440
Speaker 1: Yeah, Sarah Silverman is going to be very interested in this.

651
00:30:25,520 --> 00:30:26,280
Speaker 1: Does she know about it?

652
00:30:26,320 --> 00:30:28,960
Speaker 4: She's amazing. And can I just say, of all my

653
00:30:29,120 --> 00:30:32,280
Speaker 4: Hollywood friends like you and Sarah, when I sent out

654
00:30:32,280 --> 00:30:36,920
Speaker 4: that email, not only responded right away, but donated right away.

655
00:30:36,960 --> 00:30:39,920
Speaker 4: And I have to tell you I was really touched.

656
00:30:40,000 --> 00:30:43,960
Speaker 4: That was really touching because not a lot of Hollywood

657
00:30:43,960 --> 00:30:44,600
Speaker 4: has responded.

658
00:30:45,080 --> 00:30:46,959
Speaker 1: Oh, that's really disappointing.

659
00:30:46,560 --> 00:30:50,240
Speaker 4: Really disappointing. But you guys did and and all my

660
00:30:50,440 --> 00:30:52,640
Speaker 4: you know, I mean every parent at my kid's school

661
00:30:52,680 --> 00:30:56,400
Speaker 4: and friends and family, but you guys like were the

662
00:30:56,400 --> 00:30:57,600
Speaker 4: first ones to donate.

663
00:30:57,720 --> 00:30:59,040
Speaker 1: Did you watch Sarah's new special?

664
00:30:59,320 --> 00:31:00,760
Speaker 4: I haven't seen it. You have to stay in her.

665
00:31:00,720 --> 00:31:03,600
Speaker 1: New specials on HBO. Everybody needs to watch there as

666
00:31:03,600 --> 00:31:06,800
Speaker 1: a new special. It's fucking so smart. You know what's

667
00:31:06,840 --> 00:31:08,480
Speaker 1: so great about I was at her house to watch

668
00:31:08,520 --> 00:31:10,200
Speaker 1: it because she didn't want to watch it. I was like,

669
00:31:10,280 --> 00:31:12,120
Speaker 1: we're watching it with a group of people, like, this

670
00:31:12,240 --> 00:31:14,520
Speaker 1: is your special. She hasn't had one in five years.

671
00:31:14,640 --> 00:31:16,760
Speaker 1: So we went over there and a bunch of people

672
00:31:16,800 --> 00:31:19,680
Speaker 1: came over and we sat there. And what's so special

673
00:31:19,720 --> 00:31:23,720
Speaker 1: about Sarah is she's never talking about herself. Yeah, she's

674
00:31:23,720 --> 00:31:27,720
Speaker 1: writing jokes like old school comedians, like some people. There's

675
00:31:27,760 --> 00:31:29,600
Speaker 1: some people out there that do that, like Tig and

676
00:31:29,720 --> 00:31:32,520
Speaker 1: zach Alifanakis and a couple of others. But most of

677
00:31:32,600 --> 00:31:35,400
Speaker 1: us are just telling our stories, and Sarah is just

678
00:31:35,600 --> 00:31:39,680
Speaker 1: writing jokes that are silly and brilliant at the same time.

679
00:31:40,000 --> 00:31:42,680
Speaker 1: You know, she can make a fart joke brilliant she's

680
00:31:42,880 --> 00:31:43,400
Speaker 1: so good.

681
00:31:43,760 --> 00:31:45,440
Speaker 4: Did she come to New York already with her show?

682
00:31:45,480 --> 00:31:47,720
Speaker 4: I missed it? How did I miss that? Did she come?

683
00:31:47,800 --> 00:31:49,880
Speaker 1: She came to New York? She doesn't. She doesn't tour

684
00:31:50,200 --> 00:31:52,360
Speaker 1: like I know. She very often, she hates it. She's

685
00:31:52,360 --> 00:31:55,520
Speaker 1: a home She and I couldn't be any more different.

686
00:31:56,040 --> 00:31:57,760
Speaker 4: I know. But do you know what I love about you? Guys?

687
00:31:57,800 --> 00:32:00,200
Speaker 4: The two of you are so supportive of other comedian

688
00:32:00,560 --> 00:32:03,160
Speaker 4: because I always see it in the comedian world. You

689
00:32:03,200 --> 00:32:06,640
Speaker 4: all support each other, and so many times I feel

690
00:32:06,640 --> 00:32:09,760
Speaker 4: like actors tear each other down. Sarah talks about you

691
00:32:09,800 --> 00:32:10,960
Speaker 4: on her podcast all the time.

692
00:32:11,120 --> 00:32:11,960
Speaker 5: You know that, don't know?

693
00:32:12,720 --> 00:32:14,000
Speaker 1: No, I didn't know that.

694
00:32:14,720 --> 00:32:18,000
Speaker 4: Oh that's so cute. Oh no, she does. She talks

695
00:32:18,040 --> 00:32:20,000
Speaker 4: about you. I get so excited. I don't know why.

696
00:32:20,040 --> 00:32:22,200
Speaker 4: I feel like the proud mom. I'm like, yeah, my

697
00:32:22,320 --> 00:32:25,320
Speaker 4: girls love each other. But she does. She talks about

698
00:32:25,360 --> 00:32:27,120
Speaker 4: you in a beautiful way, and she's just like she's

699
00:32:27,160 --> 00:32:29,920
Speaker 4: so fucking look because people will call in with, you know,

700
00:32:30,000 --> 00:32:31,680
Speaker 4: saying like I really want to be a comedian and

701
00:32:31,720 --> 00:32:33,800
Speaker 4: I bet no da, And she's she's like, just you

702
00:32:33,840 --> 00:32:36,280
Speaker 4: gotta just go do it. Look at my friend Chelsea

703
00:32:36,360 --> 00:32:39,239
Speaker 4: she fucking she's just on the road. I'm not like that.

704
00:32:39,320 --> 00:32:42,480
Speaker 4: I can't do that, Chelsea. Just the two of you

705
00:32:42,560 --> 00:32:43,640
Speaker 4: support each other. I love it.

706
00:32:44,280 --> 00:32:46,680
Speaker 1: So I once said to her, we're on this app,

707
00:32:46,720 --> 00:32:48,640
Speaker 1: you know, this video app were we're always talking, and

708
00:32:48,720 --> 00:32:52,040
Speaker 1: I said to her, I mean, we couldn't be more different.

709
00:32:52,160 --> 00:32:54,920
Speaker 1: Like I love adventure, I love to go out. She

710
00:32:55,040 --> 00:32:57,000
Speaker 1: wants she's a come over and we'll go for a hike.

711
00:32:57,040 --> 00:32:59,720
Speaker 1: I'm like, I don't, Sarah, I hate hiking. Like I

712
00:32:59,720 --> 00:33:01,400
Speaker 1: don't want a hike. I'm like, I'll come for the

713
00:33:01,480 --> 00:33:04,640
Speaker 1: joint and the pool after skipped the hike part. But

714
00:33:04,760 --> 00:33:06,680
Speaker 1: we've gotten to a place in our friendship where we

715
00:33:06,760 --> 00:33:09,160
Speaker 1: both well, we've always been at this place kind of

716
00:33:09,200 --> 00:33:11,520
Speaker 1: ever since we became friends, where we know each other

717
00:33:11,920 --> 00:33:14,280
Speaker 1: and we know we have very little in common, but

718
00:33:14,360 --> 00:33:16,640
Speaker 1: we managed to have a friendship. You know what I mean,

719
00:33:17,240 --> 00:33:18,959
Speaker 1: We don't we're so dissimilar.

720
00:33:19,160 --> 00:33:21,600
Speaker 4: But anyway, tian Yang, though, sometimes that really works.

721
00:33:21,760 --> 00:33:24,200
Speaker 1: I know that does work. It works for me always. Anyway,

722
00:33:24,320 --> 00:33:25,800
Speaker 1: we need to take a quick break and we'll be

723
00:33:25,880 --> 00:33:31,120
Speaker 1: right back, and we're back.

724
00:33:31,280 --> 00:33:36,680
Speaker 2: We're back. I have an update from Juliana's last appearance.

725
00:33:36,120 --> 00:33:38,240
Speaker 1: With us, So what's happening already?

726
00:33:39,040 --> 00:33:42,520
Speaker 2: Yes, this was from one of our last episodes with

727
00:33:42,560 --> 00:33:44,880
Speaker 2: you had a title that was about red Flags. This

728
00:33:44,920 --> 00:33:49,959
Speaker 2: is our Red Flags girl, so Renee says, Hi, Chelsea

729
00:33:50,000 --> 00:33:53,440
Speaker 2: and Catherine and Juliana, here's an update on the red

730
00:33:53,440 --> 00:33:56,440
Speaker 2: Flags saga. The day I listened to the episode, I

731
00:33:56,440 --> 00:33:59,200
Speaker 2: had a calm chat with my partner about my concerns

732
00:33:59,240 --> 00:34:01,680
Speaker 2: and need for change. I told him I was ready

733
00:34:01,720 --> 00:34:03,600
Speaker 2: to walk away if he felt he didn't want to

734
00:34:03,640 --> 00:34:06,640
Speaker 2: improve as an individual and a partner. He said he'd

735
00:34:06,640 --> 00:34:09,879
Speaker 2: go to a counselor with no hesitations. Within a week,

736
00:34:09,960 --> 00:34:12,440
Speaker 2: we were lucky enough to get in with a recommended counselor.

737
00:34:12,960 --> 00:34:16,879
Speaker 2: He speaks openly and honestly, and even showed vulnerability. I'm

738
00:34:16,920 --> 00:34:19,480
Speaker 2: so proud of him. We've been four times and I

739
00:34:19,480 --> 00:34:22,440
Speaker 2: feel like this has already changed the dynamics of our relationship.

740
00:34:22,880 --> 00:34:26,080
Speaker 2: We've gained a different perspective of each other's history, learned

741
00:34:26,280 --> 00:34:29,040
Speaker 2: more about ourselves, and have become more nurturing regarding each

742
00:34:29,040 --> 00:34:32,560
Speaker 2: other's needs. We're completely honest with each other no matter

743
00:34:32,600 --> 00:34:35,600
Speaker 2: how sensitive the topic is. Calmly discuss our thoughts and

744
00:34:35,640 --> 00:34:39,279
Speaker 2: feelings while supporting one another. I feel more secure now

745
00:34:39,320 --> 00:34:41,480
Speaker 2: than I've ever been, and this has given my partner

746
00:34:41,520 --> 00:34:43,959
Speaker 2: the opportunity to show me how much I mean to him.

747
00:34:44,440 --> 00:34:46,880
Speaker 2: The man's heart is like an onion, so many layers,

748
00:34:47,000 --> 00:34:49,160
Speaker 2: but the counselor and I are slowly learning how he

749
00:34:49,200 --> 00:34:52,200
Speaker 2: tries to hide his strong emotions. Turns out he thinks

750
00:34:52,200 --> 00:34:54,160
Speaker 2: and feels a whole lot more than he's letting on.

751
00:34:55,400 --> 00:34:57,760
Speaker 2: Thankscals for giving me the kick up the ass I needed.

752
00:34:57,920 --> 00:35:00,120
Speaker 2: I feel at peace in my relationship now and in

753
00:35:00,160 --> 00:35:03,719
Speaker 2: our future together. Today we celebrate five years together and

754
00:35:03,760 --> 00:35:06,360
Speaker 2: one hundred days until we leave for our big trip.

755
00:35:06,680 --> 00:35:09,320
Speaker 2: Habby Travels and keep your ears peeled for the Aussie

756
00:35:09,320 --> 00:35:13,960
Speaker 2: accent in Majorca. Next year it could be us with love, Renee.

757
00:35:13,920 --> 00:35:16,680
Speaker 4: Got you know this is going to tie into your

758
00:35:16,719 --> 00:35:19,640
Speaker 4: episode with a Lease Lonan and her book which I'm

759
00:35:19,640 --> 00:35:23,279
Speaker 4: reading right now. It's really heavy duty. It also ties

760
00:35:23,320 --> 00:35:24,840
Speaker 4: into a book I read when I found out I

761
00:35:24,840 --> 00:35:27,440
Speaker 4: was having a boy, because I'm only like no girls,

762
00:35:27,600 --> 00:35:29,400
Speaker 4: so I didn't understand, like, how am I going to

763
00:35:29,440 --> 00:35:32,560
Speaker 4: raise a boy to be a human, empathetic, feeling person

764
00:35:32,640 --> 00:35:35,400
Speaker 4: with a pinis? And this book that I read called

765
00:35:35,520 --> 00:35:39,680
Speaker 4: Raising Caine was by these two psychologists who deal with

766
00:35:39,880 --> 00:35:43,840
Speaker 4: difficult teenage kids, and they said, you know, children, boys

767
00:35:43,960 --> 00:35:46,280
Speaker 4: at a very young age are taught not to cry

768
00:35:46,400 --> 00:35:49,719
Speaker 4: be a man. They're three and they're on the playground

769
00:35:49,760 --> 00:35:53,160
Speaker 4: and they're kids, and they're immediately taught to hide their feelings.

770
00:35:53,760 --> 00:35:56,160
Speaker 4: And I think, and that's what Elise was talking about,

771
00:35:56,719 --> 00:35:59,000
Speaker 4: and she talks about it in her book, how men

772
00:35:59,560 --> 00:36:03,040
Speaker 4: grow up to be afraid of their feelings because they

773
00:36:03,040 --> 00:36:05,239
Speaker 4: were taught that from a very young age. Your boy,

774
00:36:05,280 --> 00:36:08,520
Speaker 4: don't cry. It's such bullshit where girls when they cry

775
00:36:08,560 --> 00:36:11,480
Speaker 4: are hugged. So we grow up and we're emotional, you know,

776
00:36:11,880 --> 00:36:16,280
Speaker 4: like it can be these emotional rollercoasters. But men swallow, swallow,

777
00:36:16,360 --> 00:36:20,480
Speaker 4: swallow until they implode, and so it takes therapy. I'm

778
00:36:20,480 --> 00:36:24,600
Speaker 4: so happy to hear that that she got well. She

779
00:36:24,600 --> 00:36:26,840
Speaker 4: didn't seem to get him into therapy. He did it willingly.

780
00:36:27,000 --> 00:36:28,520
Speaker 4: It's probably a relief for him, right.

781
00:36:28,840 --> 00:36:30,480
Speaker 1: Remind me what those red flags were.

782
00:36:30,920 --> 00:36:34,319
Speaker 2: They'd been together a few years, but he'd like randomly

783
00:36:34,360 --> 00:36:36,320
Speaker 2: broken up with her out of the blue a couple

784
00:36:36,320 --> 00:36:38,359
Speaker 2: of times in there, and they were trying to make

785
00:36:38,400 --> 00:36:39,320
Speaker 2: plans for their future.

786
00:36:39,640 --> 00:36:42,520
Speaker 4: I remember this yeah, they were going to go hiking

787
00:36:42,600 --> 00:36:43,120
Speaker 4: or something.

788
00:36:43,840 --> 00:36:47,000
Speaker 2: Right, They were going on like a mountain climbing trip

789
00:36:47,120 --> 00:36:50,880
Speaker 2: around the world for like a year, and he was

790
00:36:50,920 --> 00:36:53,759
Speaker 2: like keeping secrets from her. She felt really fishy about it,

791
00:36:53,800 --> 00:36:56,600
Speaker 2: and we were like, these are huge red flags. Try therapy,

792
00:36:56,640 --> 00:37:00,440
Speaker 2: but it's probably over with and sounds like he's unburdening

793
00:37:00,560 --> 00:37:02,760
Speaker 2: himself and getting in touch with his emotions.

794
00:37:02,920 --> 00:37:04,600
Speaker 1: There are so many men in my life that I

795
00:37:04,600 --> 00:37:07,240
Speaker 1: wish we're just you know, so many of my friends'

796
00:37:08,000 --> 00:37:11,080
Speaker 1: husbands or it's so nice when a man is self

797
00:37:11,120 --> 00:37:15,319
Speaker 1: actualized and self aware and is interested in doing the

798
00:37:15,360 --> 00:37:18,719
Speaker 1: work on themselves. Who isn't like I can't do that.

799
00:37:19,040 --> 00:37:20,680
Speaker 1: I can't, I don't want to go to therapy. So

800
00:37:20,680 --> 00:37:23,040
Speaker 1: many men are like that. It's like it's so old

801
00:37:23,120 --> 00:37:24,200
Speaker 1: fashioned at this point.

802
00:37:24,400 --> 00:37:25,720
Speaker 4: I think it's because they're just afraid.

803
00:37:26,120 --> 00:37:27,040
Speaker 1: Yeah, they don't want to face that.

804
00:37:27,200 --> 00:37:29,880
Speaker 4: And also I think, you know, changing your habits is

805
00:37:29,920 --> 00:37:32,760
Speaker 4: so difficult, and when you have grown up a certain

806
00:37:32,800 --> 00:37:36,319
Speaker 4: way and lived a certain kind of life, it's very

807
00:37:36,360 --> 00:37:40,239
Speaker 4: scary to have to undo that. Yes, and that's what

808
00:37:40,280 --> 00:37:43,279
Speaker 4: therapy does. Always say to my husband, I'm like, oh, so,

809
00:37:43,480 --> 00:37:45,480
Speaker 4: how is so and so with their new girlfriend and

810
00:37:45,520 --> 00:37:47,239
Speaker 4: he's like, I don't. We don't talk about that. It's like,

811
00:37:47,280 --> 00:37:49,239
Speaker 4: how do you not talk about that? Like it would

812
00:37:49,239 --> 00:37:51,440
Speaker 4: be the we mean my girlfriends, that's what we talk

813
00:37:51,440 --> 00:37:53,920
Speaker 4: about all the time, Like I ask, and you know,

814
00:37:54,360 --> 00:37:56,960
Speaker 4: but they don't communicate the same way women do. It's

815
00:37:57,000 --> 00:37:57,719
Speaker 4: just a different way.

816
00:37:57,840 --> 00:37:59,520
Speaker 1: I was out with a gay guy friend the other

817
00:37:59,640 --> 00:38:01,640
Speaker 1: night for and he was talking to me about it.

818
00:38:01,640 --> 00:38:03,480
Speaker 1: He's going through a difficult time and he's like, I

819
00:38:03,480 --> 00:38:04,880
Speaker 1: went to therapy. He's like, I don't like it. I

820
00:38:04,880 --> 00:38:06,360
Speaker 1: don't like it. And I said, well, I know. I

821
00:38:06,360 --> 00:38:08,960
Speaker 1: bet you don't because a lot of stuff comes up.

822
00:38:09,080 --> 00:38:11,600
Speaker 1: But it's necessary work because otherwise it will tap you

823
00:38:11,640 --> 00:38:13,560
Speaker 1: on the shoulder when you least expect it and it's

824
00:38:13,600 --> 00:38:15,480
Speaker 1: going to take you down. There is no way to

825
00:38:15,600 --> 00:38:18,279
Speaker 1: escape it, right, like your trauma, whatever it is, you

826
00:38:18,360 --> 00:38:22,000
Speaker 1: have to discuss it because you can't get away from it.

827
00:38:22,080 --> 00:38:24,000
Speaker 1: And I said, if you can't go to the therapist,

828
00:38:24,160 --> 00:38:27,880
Speaker 1: at least pursue keep pursuing it until you find somebody.

829
00:38:28,000 --> 00:38:29,680
Speaker 1: And he said, I gotta be honest. All of this

830
00:38:29,800 --> 00:38:32,440
Speaker 1: talk just makes me uncomfortable, like I don't want to

831
00:38:32,480 --> 00:38:35,799
Speaker 1: talk about it, and he revealed to me that he

832
00:38:35,880 --> 00:38:38,600
Speaker 1: had been molested when he was younger. So it's such

833
00:38:38,600 --> 00:38:40,760
Speaker 1: a deep programming. It's run so deep.

834
00:38:41,320 --> 00:38:45,600
Speaker 2: Anyway, on that note, our first caller, I thought would

835
00:38:45,600 --> 00:38:47,600
Speaker 2: be a good question for Juliana, since you're a New

836
00:38:47,680 --> 00:38:50,440
Speaker 2: Yorker and you are familiar with what life is like

837
00:38:50,520 --> 00:38:52,640
Speaker 2: when you're all living on top of each other in

838
00:38:52,680 --> 00:38:53,240
Speaker 2: a big city.

839
00:38:53,960 --> 00:38:57,880
Speaker 1: So beautiful and the beautiful sunny New York smoke Felts

840
00:38:58,080 --> 00:39:02,680
Speaker 1: smoke free smoke sky day, Well Canada, I mean.

841
00:39:02,719 --> 00:39:02,920
Speaker 5: I know.

842
00:39:03,040 --> 00:39:05,359
Speaker 2: Chelsea sent me a picture. It looks like the apocalypse.

843
00:39:06,200 --> 00:39:10,279
Speaker 2: Stephanie says, Dear Chelsea, My husband and I bought a

844
00:39:10,360 --> 00:39:13,120
Speaker 2: condo a few years ago, and our building has four units,

845
00:39:13,239 --> 00:39:15,840
Speaker 2: so pretty small. All the neighbors were fine when we

846
00:39:15,880 --> 00:39:18,080
Speaker 2: first moved in, but a few years ago, the daughter

847
00:39:18,160 --> 00:39:20,920
Speaker 2: of someone who lives in a nearby unit, not the

848
00:39:20,920 --> 00:39:22,960
Speaker 2: person who owns the unit lives there, but his daughter

849
00:39:23,520 --> 00:39:25,600
Speaker 2: got to move in for free with her husband, and

850
00:39:25,640 --> 00:39:28,720
Speaker 2: the husband is awful. She goes on to talk about

851
00:39:28,760 --> 00:39:31,759
Speaker 2: how the husband moved her laundry one time and it

852
00:39:31,960 --> 00:39:34,960
Speaker 2: escalated into a screaming match and he told her to

853
00:39:35,000 --> 00:39:37,640
Speaker 2: go fuck herself. He screams at his wife on a

854
00:39:37,680 --> 00:39:40,839
Speaker 2: regular basis, but she hasn't called the police. She says,

855
00:39:40,840 --> 00:39:43,120
Speaker 2: living next to the sky gives me extreme anxiety, and

856
00:39:43,160 --> 00:39:46,160
Speaker 2: I absolutely hate it. My husband wants to confront him,

857
00:39:46,320 --> 00:39:48,439
Speaker 2: but I don't think that would end well for him

858
00:39:48,600 --> 00:39:51,799
Speaker 2: or us. There's other stuff about how he's complained about

859
00:39:51,800 --> 00:39:54,400
Speaker 2: their dog, even though his dogs bark all the time.

860
00:39:54,600 --> 00:39:57,480
Speaker 2: He's complained about another neighbor who has a daycare, but

861
00:39:57,520 --> 00:40:00,840
Speaker 2: it's not very loud. So she says, my question is

862
00:40:01,040 --> 00:40:04,200
Speaker 2: what should we do about this asshole? And Stephanie is

863
00:40:04,239 --> 00:40:04,839
Speaker 2: here with us.

864
00:40:04,840 --> 00:40:08,279
Speaker 4: Oh, hi, Stephanie, Hi, Stephanie.

865
00:40:09,080 --> 00:40:11,120
Speaker 1: I'm sorry that you're dealing with all of that. What

866
00:40:11,200 --> 00:40:11,840
Speaker 1: a nightmare.

867
00:40:12,600 --> 00:40:16,560
Speaker 3: Yeah, it's not exactly ideal, especially since we had a

868
00:40:16,560 --> 00:40:20,440
Speaker 3: baby seven months ago, so to be bring that on

869
00:40:20,520 --> 00:40:22,600
Speaker 3: top of having a baby.

870
00:40:23,200 --> 00:40:25,399
Speaker 4: Can I ask you something? Are you are the walls thin?

871
00:40:25,520 --> 00:40:30,200
Speaker 4: Can you hear him? Can you you can? Oh?

872
00:40:30,280 --> 00:40:32,320
Speaker 3: I don't want to hear him, but like I can't

873
00:40:32,360 --> 00:40:32,759
Speaker 3: help it?

874
00:40:33,160 --> 00:40:37,239
Speaker 4: Yeah, God, yeah, this is I mean, this is New York.

875
00:40:37,480 --> 00:40:40,680
Speaker 4: This is the you know the big problem with New York.

876
00:40:41,160 --> 00:40:43,520
Speaker 4: I think you're right you and your husband not to

877
00:40:43,560 --> 00:40:45,840
Speaker 4: say anything because it sounds like he's a little unhinged,

878
00:40:46,040 --> 00:40:48,840
Speaker 4: and I think you need to be careful. But you know,

879
00:40:49,719 --> 00:40:52,000
Speaker 4: I have this motto I live by, which is kill

880
00:40:52,080 --> 00:40:55,520
Speaker 4: him with kindness. What if you go out and buy

881
00:40:55,560 --> 00:40:58,239
Speaker 4: some cookies and leave them with a note hope your

882
00:40:58,320 --> 00:41:01,880
Speaker 4: day gets better every day? Maybe just keep leaving sweet

883
00:41:01,920 --> 00:41:04,040
Speaker 4: things and kill him with kindness.

884
00:41:04,280 --> 00:41:07,160
Speaker 3: During my resting bitch face, because.

885
00:41:07,120 --> 00:41:09,560
Speaker 4: Because it's just going to make you more and more angry,

886
00:41:09,880 --> 00:41:12,040
Speaker 4: and it's gonna make him more. It looks like he's

887
00:41:12,120 --> 00:41:16,160
Speaker 4: looking for a fight. Yeah, yeah, if he's screaming, I

888
00:41:16,480 --> 00:41:19,360
Speaker 4: didn't quite understand the laundry thing. He moved moved your

889
00:41:19,440 --> 00:41:21,920
Speaker 4: laundry and screamed at you what happened with the laundry?

890
00:41:22,160 --> 00:41:26,440
Speaker 3: He so, we have one washer and one dryer, and

891
00:41:27,160 --> 00:41:31,799
Speaker 3: he accused me of stopping his dryer so that his

892
00:41:31,920 --> 00:41:34,919
Speaker 3: clothes were like soaking wet, which is I wouldn't even

893
00:41:35,239 --> 00:41:36,799
Speaker 3: think nobody.

894
00:41:36,520 --> 00:41:39,040
Speaker 1: Would he by the way, nobody fucking would.

895
00:41:39,680 --> 00:41:41,200
Speaker 4: Yeah.

896
00:41:41,280 --> 00:41:43,319
Speaker 3: I had this like dumb look on my face as

897
00:41:43,320 --> 00:41:45,360
Speaker 3: he's yelling and screaming at me, and I think that

898
00:41:45,400 --> 00:41:48,040
Speaker 3: pissed him off even more. But I genuinely like had

899
00:41:48,080 --> 00:41:49,840
Speaker 3: no idea what the hell he was talking.

900
00:41:49,600 --> 00:41:52,879
Speaker 4: About, Yeah, it sounds like he's rearin for a fight,

901
00:41:52,960 --> 00:41:55,480
Speaker 4: and I think the best way to quash that is

902
00:41:55,719 --> 00:41:56,680
Speaker 4: to not give him one.

903
00:41:57,200 --> 00:41:57,600
Speaker 5: Yeah.

904
00:41:57,680 --> 00:42:01,080
Speaker 1: I think that is actually very very advice, none that

905
00:42:01,120 --> 00:42:04,120
Speaker 1: I would ever give you. And I am on Juliana's

906
00:42:04,120 --> 00:42:07,319
Speaker 1: team right now. I think that's great because people like

907
00:42:07,360 --> 00:42:09,960
Speaker 1: that you're right there and they're so unhinged that they

908
00:42:10,000 --> 00:42:11,880
Speaker 1: have a whole narrative going in their mind about what

909
00:42:11,920 --> 00:42:15,080
Speaker 1: they think is happening. And if you just keep showing

910
00:42:15,200 --> 00:42:17,759
Speaker 1: like at some point, the levee has to break with

911
00:42:17,880 --> 00:42:20,520
Speaker 1: kindness because you can't argue by yourself.

912
00:42:20,960 --> 00:42:23,880
Speaker 4: It's so true. And I just know this from being

913
00:42:24,040 --> 00:42:27,640
Speaker 4: you know, I'm an actress and I'm very passionate about things,

914
00:42:27,680 --> 00:42:30,680
Speaker 4: and sometimes I like a good argument. And I married

915
00:42:30,840 --> 00:42:35,319
Speaker 4: a guy who does not like to fight. Ever, and

916
00:42:35,520 --> 00:42:38,279
Speaker 4: I realize I'll say, you know what, blah blah blah blah,

917
00:42:38,320 --> 00:42:40,120
Speaker 4: and he goes, oh, I hear you, honey, I hear you.

918
00:42:40,160 --> 00:42:43,520
Speaker 4: That will never happen again. I have nowhere to go.

919
00:42:43,920 --> 00:42:47,240
Speaker 4: It's over, you know what I mean. And of course

920
00:42:47,320 --> 00:42:50,640
Speaker 4: we've been together seventeen years, so now I'm so appreciative

921
00:42:50,640 --> 00:42:53,280
Speaker 4: of it because it's such a better state of mind

922
00:42:53,280 --> 00:42:55,600
Speaker 4: to be in. It's like, oh, I don't need to

923
00:42:55,680 --> 00:42:58,680
Speaker 4: keep this going. We can just have a peaceful, lovely day.

924
00:42:58,840 --> 00:43:04,200
Speaker 4: So I have learned from that not giving ammunition gives

925
00:43:04,239 --> 00:43:09,640
Speaker 4: them nowhere to go. And eventually he's going to realize

926
00:43:09,800 --> 00:43:12,319
Speaker 4: that he can't. He sounds like an angry guy if

927
00:43:12,320 --> 00:43:15,080
Speaker 4: he's yelling at his wife too, you hear that or

928
00:43:15,200 --> 00:43:17,840
Speaker 4: girlfriend whatever, Yeah, but it sounds like he's looking for

929
00:43:17,880 --> 00:43:20,759
Speaker 4: a fight, and so if he can't take it out

930
00:43:20,760 --> 00:43:22,040
Speaker 4: on her, he's going to take it out on you

931
00:43:22,200 --> 00:43:25,759
Speaker 4: or your husband or whatever. But just smile, you know,

932
00:43:25,840 --> 00:43:28,160
Speaker 4: and if he says, oh, your dog was barking, you

933
00:43:28,239 --> 00:43:30,640
Speaker 4: just be like, oh, I heard yours barking too. I know,

934
00:43:30,800 --> 00:43:35,840
Speaker 4: crazy New York, right. You know, kill him with kindness,

935
00:43:35,880 --> 00:43:38,840
Speaker 4: because also it'll make you feel better. Like my objective

936
00:43:38,880 --> 00:43:41,439
Speaker 4: here is I want you to feel better. I don't

937
00:43:41,440 --> 00:43:44,920
Speaker 4: really care about him. Yeah, it'll make you feel better,

938
00:43:45,120 --> 00:43:47,040
Speaker 4: and you're just taking the high road, and he's not

939
00:43:47,080 --> 00:43:48,360
Speaker 4: going to know what to do with himself.

940
00:43:48,520 --> 00:43:51,600
Speaker 2: Yeah. One of my girlfriends says, you know, if somebody

941
00:43:51,680 --> 00:43:53,960
Speaker 2: is like that, they're yelling at you and there's nothing

942
00:43:53,960 --> 00:43:56,480
Speaker 2: to do about it. You just say okay, well what else?

943
00:43:56,880 --> 00:43:59,200
Speaker 2: And you just whatever they yell at you say okay,

944
00:43:59,200 --> 00:44:02,480
Speaker 2: what else? And eventually one, yes, one's a good one.

945
00:44:02,600 --> 00:44:05,600
Speaker 1: I like this all the advice. I love this. I

946
00:44:05,680 --> 00:44:09,000
Speaker 1: love this, but more importantly what Juliana said, how it's

947
00:44:09,040 --> 00:44:11,560
Speaker 1: going to make you feel better, Like I decided a

948
00:44:11,600 --> 00:44:15,080
Speaker 1: couple of years ago, and I have reminders too, like

949
00:44:15,160 --> 00:44:18,680
Speaker 1: whenever something is not going my way or not the

950
00:44:18,680 --> 00:44:20,400
Speaker 1: way I want it to go, I just have to

951
00:44:20,440 --> 00:44:23,879
Speaker 1: overcome it with my attitude to have a positive attitude.

952
00:44:24,160 --> 00:44:27,280
Speaker 1: And when you do that, it is infectious to other people.

953
00:44:27,440 --> 00:44:29,799
Speaker 1: People feel your vibe and they pick up on it.

954
00:44:29,840 --> 00:44:31,920
Speaker 1: And it's obviously not going to happen right away, but

955
00:44:32,000 --> 00:44:34,640
Speaker 1: it's gonna make your mental state so much more, like

956
00:44:34,719 --> 00:44:37,439
Speaker 1: at a higher frequency, instead of letting him drag you down,

957
00:44:37,719 --> 00:44:40,439
Speaker 1: you're pulling him up, you know what I mean by that?

958
00:44:40,800 --> 00:44:43,680
Speaker 1: And also everybody in your building by looking at it

959
00:44:43,719 --> 00:44:47,200
Speaker 1: and going at it from Juliana's angle, is kind of genius.

960
00:44:47,640 --> 00:44:49,879
Speaker 1: It's kind of the best way to treat him because

961
00:44:49,920 --> 00:44:50,600
Speaker 1: he's a child.

962
00:44:51,760 --> 00:44:55,600
Speaker 3: Yes, that's when he confronted me about the laundry thing

963
00:44:55,680 --> 00:44:58,680
Speaker 3: and was screaming at me and he was screaming at me,

964
00:44:58,719 --> 00:45:01,239
Speaker 3: but like walking away with his back face to me,

965
00:45:01,880 --> 00:45:04,879
Speaker 3: and I told him to grow up because he looked

966
00:45:04,880 --> 00:45:07,040
Speaker 3: like a toddler having a temper tangent, and he told

967
00:45:07,080 --> 00:45:08,160
Speaker 3: me to go back myself.

968
00:45:08,520 --> 00:45:12,359
Speaker 4: So she didn't like that, You know it? Oh God.

969
00:45:12,480 --> 00:45:15,200
Speaker 1: It's also you know that feeling you get when this

970
00:45:15,239 --> 00:45:17,520
Speaker 1: happened to me. Recently, I talked about my plane ride

971
00:45:17,520 --> 00:45:20,120
Speaker 1: where I had to confront these two racists. But you

972
00:45:20,160 --> 00:45:21,759
Speaker 1: know that feeling you get in your heart where you're

973
00:45:21,920 --> 00:45:24,799
Speaker 1: arguing with a stranger like you can't That is the

974
00:45:24,840 --> 00:45:27,520
Speaker 1: most unpleasant feeling, and you want to get to the

975
00:45:27,560 --> 00:45:29,000
Speaker 1: opposite of what that feeling is.

976
00:45:29,320 --> 00:45:31,600
Speaker 4: It's also unpredictable, Like it's one thing to argue with

977
00:45:31,640 --> 00:45:33,560
Speaker 4: a friend or a boyfriend or a husband because you

978
00:45:33,640 --> 00:45:36,520
Speaker 4: know them, yes, but when it's a stranger, you actually

979
00:45:37,120 --> 00:45:40,319
Speaker 4: don't know how they're going to react. And the state

980
00:45:40,360 --> 00:45:42,520
Speaker 4: of our world right now. I always say to my kid,

981
00:45:42,719 --> 00:45:45,120
Speaker 4: not that he's a chill kid, but I'm always like,

982
00:45:45,360 --> 00:45:48,680
Speaker 4: you never know who has a gun? Just walk away? Yeah,

983
00:45:48,719 --> 00:45:51,279
Speaker 4: you know road rage? When people have road rage. I'm

984
00:45:51,280 --> 00:45:54,400
Speaker 4: always like, so, what is this going to get me?

985
00:45:54,440 --> 00:45:56,640
Speaker 4: If I flip the finger a bullet in my head.

986
00:45:56,800 --> 00:45:59,120
Speaker 4: Maybe I just don't want to deal. It's not worth

987
00:45:59,160 --> 00:46:02,600
Speaker 4: it. It's just not worth it. Kill him with kindness. Maybe

988
00:46:02,600 --> 00:46:04,280
Speaker 4: that'll spread on who knows.

989
00:46:04,520 --> 00:46:06,560
Speaker 1: I bet you it will. I bet you you'll infect him,

990
00:46:06,600 --> 00:46:08,840
Speaker 1: You'll infect his family. Like if you just hit it

991
00:46:08,920 --> 00:46:11,400
Speaker 1: up and be consistent about it. I know it's not

992
00:46:11,440 --> 00:46:14,279
Speaker 1: your responsibility, but why not, you know, why not just

993
00:46:14,360 --> 00:46:17,719
Speaker 1: be why not take this on as an experiment, you know,

994
00:46:18,000 --> 00:46:19,960
Speaker 1: for human behavior.

995
00:46:19,640 --> 00:46:22,840
Speaker 4: And you may need to practice some breathing when you

996
00:46:22,880 --> 00:46:26,239
Speaker 4: when you want to scream and he's or you hear him.

997
00:46:26,680 --> 00:46:30,160
Speaker 3: Well, like, I'm actually I'm a chill person, So I

998
00:46:30,160 --> 00:46:32,919
Speaker 3: would rather kill him with kind like that's actually more

999
00:46:33,640 --> 00:46:36,840
Speaker 3: my alley. It's not like me to like be a

1000
00:46:36,840 --> 00:46:38,319
Speaker 3: bit and ignore people like.

1001
00:46:38,280 --> 00:46:40,520
Speaker 4: That, But Bacon Brown, I don't know.

1002
00:46:40,480 --> 00:46:43,200
Speaker 3: What else to do. I'm also really shy, so the

1003
00:46:44,040 --> 00:46:45,799
Speaker 3: ignoring him is also easier.

1004
00:46:45,800 --> 00:46:50,239
Speaker 4: But yeah, yeah, I think there's some people in life

1005
00:46:50,239 --> 00:46:52,279
Speaker 4: who just wake up in the morning looking for a fight,

1006
00:46:52,840 --> 00:46:55,880
Speaker 4: and those are toxic people. You don't need that. And

1007
00:46:55,920 --> 00:46:58,920
Speaker 4: he's already too close to you, guys in the apartment

1008
00:46:58,960 --> 00:47:02,680
Speaker 4: next door, so put the distance and draw your circle, right,

1009
00:47:02,760 --> 00:47:05,160
Speaker 4: that Buddhist thing. Here's my circle. You can't come in it.

1010
00:47:06,000 --> 00:47:07,360
Speaker 4: I'm hearing my boundary.

1011
00:47:07,080 --> 00:47:08,880
Speaker 1: Up and here are your cookies.

1012
00:47:08,560 --> 00:47:09,600
Speaker 4: And here are your cookies.

1013
00:47:09,719 --> 00:47:12,239
Speaker 1: This is my circle, and here are your cookies there

1014
00:47:12,280 --> 00:47:15,520
Speaker 1: outside of my fucking circle. Now eat one and shut up, asshole.

1015
00:47:17,440 --> 00:47:18,840
Speaker 4: Oh my god, good luck.

1016
00:47:18,840 --> 00:47:19,840
Speaker 3: Thank you so much.

1017
00:47:20,320 --> 00:47:25,120
Speaker 1: Bye bye. Well, I'm retiring and you're gonna take over.

1018
00:47:25,400 --> 00:47:29,000
Speaker 1: Because I was just sitting there watching you, falling more

1019
00:47:29,000 --> 00:47:30,840
Speaker 1: in love with you. I was like, oh, Juliana, I

1020
00:47:30,880 --> 00:47:32,319
Speaker 1: would never even been thought of that.

1021
00:47:32,719 --> 00:47:32,919
Speaker 3: Oh.

1022
00:47:33,280 --> 00:47:35,279
Speaker 1: I was like, who's gonna deal with this? Asshole? Am

1023
00:47:35,280 --> 00:47:36,480
Speaker 1: I gonna have to go down there?

1024
00:47:42,680 --> 00:47:43,000
Speaker 3: Well?

1025
00:47:43,120 --> 00:47:46,720
Speaker 2: Our next caller has I think a very interesting issue.

1026
00:47:47,320 --> 00:47:51,440
Speaker 2: Her name is Rita Dear Chelsea. I'm a thirty three

1027
00:47:51,520 --> 00:47:54,279
Speaker 2: year old married mother of two. I've always been an

1028
00:47:54,280 --> 00:47:58,080
Speaker 2: incredibly independent and self sufficient person. I worked my ass

1029
00:47:58,080 --> 00:48:00,319
Speaker 2: off to buy my first house at age twenty three,

1030
00:48:00,440 --> 00:48:03,400
Speaker 2: and since then worked to continue to build my career

1031
00:48:03,440 --> 00:48:06,560
Speaker 2: and succeed financially while also doing ninety percent of the

1032
00:48:06,640 --> 00:48:10,160
Speaker 2: childcare and household tasks. From a young age, I knew

1033
00:48:10,160 --> 00:48:12,480
Speaker 2: I had no interest in getting married. I thought if

1034
00:48:12,480 --> 00:48:14,880
Speaker 2: I ever did decide I wanted kids, I would adopt

1035
00:48:14,960 --> 00:48:17,960
Speaker 2: on my own or use a sperm donor. However, I

1036
00:48:18,040 --> 00:48:20,000
Speaker 2: was twenty five when I met my now husband and

1037
00:48:20,080 --> 00:48:23,360
Speaker 2: got swept up in love and societal norms and happily

1038
00:48:23,400 --> 00:48:26,920
Speaker 2: married him and completely ignored everything I'd previously known to

1039
00:48:26,960 --> 00:48:29,719
Speaker 2: be true about myself. Now I'm in this marriage with

1040
00:48:29,760 --> 00:48:33,400
Speaker 2: a man who is emotionally unavailable, and I feel completely alone.

1041
00:48:33,960 --> 00:48:35,839
Speaker 2: I look at my kids and my life, and I

1042
00:48:35,920 --> 00:48:37,759
Speaker 2: know without a doubt that I could do it all

1043
00:48:37,800 --> 00:48:41,240
Speaker 2: without him. But what do I do? I think I'd

1044
00:48:41,239 --> 00:48:43,960
Speaker 2: be happier alone, But how do I know that isn't

1045
00:48:44,040 --> 00:48:46,920
Speaker 2: just the grass is always greener mentality. I hate that

1046
00:48:46,960 --> 00:48:49,520
Speaker 2: I hold most of the work and responsibility, but then

1047
00:48:49,640 --> 00:48:52,520
Speaker 2: have to answer to a man for everything I do.

1048
00:48:52,520 --> 00:48:54,320
Speaker 2: Do I blow up my whole life and my kids'

1049
00:48:54,360 --> 00:48:56,720
Speaker 2: lives for the selfish reason that I just no longer

1050
00:48:56,719 --> 00:48:59,600
Speaker 2: want to deal with a man. I keep daydreaming about

1051
00:48:59,600 --> 00:49:04,359
Speaker 2: taking my kids and leaving everything behind. Please help kindly, Rita.

1052
00:49:04,400 --> 00:49:08,800
Speaker 1: Wo hi Rida, oh read us in her car Ritas

1053
00:49:08,960 --> 00:49:11,080
Speaker 1: we have Juliana Marguleay's is our guest today.

1054
00:49:11,120 --> 00:49:13,000
Speaker 4: Here for you, Hi Rita.

1055
00:49:13,280 --> 00:49:15,880
Speaker 5: Oh wow, so nice to meet you guys.

1056
00:49:15,560 --> 00:49:17,200
Speaker 4: Hi, Hi, Hi?

1057
00:49:18,000 --> 00:49:20,240
Speaker 2: Are you pulled over? Are you stabbed somewhere?

1058
00:49:20,400 --> 00:49:22,600
Speaker 5: I am Catherine Notes, I'm always driving.

1059
00:49:23,800 --> 00:49:25,440
Speaker 4: What do you do? What is your career?

1060
00:49:25,880 --> 00:49:26,839
Speaker 5: I'm a therapist?

1061
00:49:27,719 --> 00:49:30,279
Speaker 4: You're yeah, Chelse, you want to take this one? I

1062
00:49:30,280 --> 00:49:31,080
Speaker 4: mean I have a million.

1063
00:49:31,400 --> 00:49:33,960
Speaker 1: Let's talk about your relationship first. Have you ever suggested

1064
00:49:33,960 --> 00:49:36,480
Speaker 1: going to therapy? Is he completely I gets that? Or

1065
00:49:36,520 --> 00:49:37,319
Speaker 1: is he open to that?

1066
00:49:37,760 --> 00:49:41,480
Speaker 5: I have suggested it. He wanted to go on his own,

1067
00:49:41,760 --> 00:49:44,600
Speaker 5: so that was fine, but then he went one time

1068
00:49:44,680 --> 00:49:47,799
Speaker 5: and then wouldn't go back. Kind of said like he

1069
00:49:47,920 --> 00:49:51,200
Speaker 5: thought one time was enough and then he's done with it.

1070
00:49:52,640 --> 00:49:55,560
Speaker 4: People hate sitting in I know, I know.

1071
00:49:57,040 --> 00:49:59,520
Speaker 5: And he won't talk to me, so I think that's

1072
00:49:59,600 --> 00:50:02,880
Speaker 5: that was the reason I suggested it. And he won't

1073
00:50:03,400 --> 00:50:06,000
Speaker 5: connect or discuss things with me, So I thought, okay,

1074
00:50:06,040 --> 00:50:08,160
Speaker 5: well you need to talk to somebody.

1075
00:50:08,160 --> 00:50:10,960
Speaker 1: And have you expressed how you feel to him as

1076
00:50:11,000 --> 00:50:12,040
Speaker 1: well as you can?

1077
00:50:12,480 --> 00:50:15,960
Speaker 5: Yeah? I think the challenge is, you know, we just

1078
00:50:16,000 --> 00:50:18,520
Speaker 5: have the same conversation over and over and over again,

1079
00:50:18,840 --> 00:50:21,040
Speaker 5: and then we never get anywhere.

1080
00:50:21,200 --> 00:50:22,600
Speaker 4: Okay, how many children do you have?

1081
00:50:23,480 --> 00:50:24,239
Speaker 5: Two? Two?

1082
00:50:24,480 --> 00:50:25,319
Speaker 4: And how old are they?

1083
00:50:25,640 --> 00:50:26,360
Speaker 5: Two? And five?

1084
00:50:26,719 --> 00:50:29,760
Speaker 4: Oh? Boy? Can I ask you this, have you fallen

1085
00:50:29,800 --> 00:50:31,480
Speaker 4: out of love with him?

1086
00:50:31,800 --> 00:50:35,160
Speaker 5: I think I've fallen out of like I don't really

1087
00:50:35,320 --> 00:50:39,120
Speaker 5: like him as a person right now, but love him

1088
00:50:39,160 --> 00:50:41,479
Speaker 5: as a husband and a father. If that makes sense.

1089
00:50:41,600 --> 00:50:45,000
Speaker 4: Yeah, that's actually I think it's very clear. I mean,

1090
00:50:45,120 --> 00:50:47,680
Speaker 4: I think it's really hard not to like the person

1091
00:50:47,719 --> 00:50:51,399
Speaker 4: you're married to, harder than not loving them. Honestly, It's

1092
00:50:51,440 --> 00:50:56,280
Speaker 4: so interesting because we're multitaskers. Women are just naturally multitaskers.

1093
00:50:56,400 --> 00:50:58,960
Speaker 4: You know, we know how to do things and get

1094
00:50:59,000 --> 00:51:01,640
Speaker 4: things done, you know. They what's the saying give a

1095
00:51:01,640 --> 00:51:04,200
Speaker 4: busy woman a task and will get done? Is that

1096
00:51:04,200 --> 00:51:07,000
Speaker 4: the saying something like that? Right, give a busy woman,

1097
00:51:07,280 --> 00:51:10,560
Speaker 4: it's pretty Ask a busy woman a favor and it'll

1098
00:51:10,600 --> 00:51:13,640
Speaker 4: get done because they know how to schedule it. Like

1099
00:51:13,719 --> 00:51:15,080
Speaker 4: women are like, oh and then I have to do

1100
00:51:15,160 --> 00:51:18,120
Speaker 4: that and that and that. Like women are very we're

1101
00:51:18,160 --> 00:51:22,040
Speaker 4: multitaskers by nature. But I would never because your children

1102
00:51:22,080 --> 00:51:23,920
Speaker 4: are so young, I would never say just get up

1103
00:51:23,920 --> 00:51:26,319
Speaker 4: and go. But I also would never say stay in

1104
00:51:26,400 --> 00:51:30,120
Speaker 4: something where you're going to resent your children ultimately because

1105
00:51:30,120 --> 00:51:33,799
Speaker 4: you stayed there for them, right, your children will end

1106
00:51:33,880 --> 00:51:36,239
Speaker 4: up hating you for the fact that you stayed in

1107
00:51:36,280 --> 00:51:39,840
Speaker 4: a loveless marriage. But from what you're saying, there's love there.

1108
00:51:40,760 --> 00:51:43,240
Speaker 4: But I think have you ever said to him, honey,

1109
00:51:43,280 --> 00:51:45,400
Speaker 4: I'm at a place where I'm thinking of getting up

1110
00:51:45,440 --> 00:51:48,120
Speaker 4: and going. The only thing that will work here is honesty. No,

1111
00:51:48,640 --> 00:51:52,040
Speaker 4: I haven't see his reaction. Maybe he doesn't know how

1112
00:51:52,080 --> 00:51:54,120
Speaker 4: bad it is. It sounds like he doesn't.

1113
00:51:54,200 --> 00:51:56,359
Speaker 1: They don't know how bad it is until it's too late.

1114
00:51:56,480 --> 00:51:59,160
Speaker 1: That's what happens in all these marriages. The men do

1115
00:51:59,280 --> 00:52:01,319
Speaker 1: not want to see they don't want to face it.

1116
00:52:01,400 --> 00:52:03,560
Speaker 1: And of course it's so funny that you said that.

1117
00:52:03,600 --> 00:52:06,040
Speaker 1: My girlfriend went to therapy once and she's like, yeah,

1118
00:52:06,080 --> 00:52:07,799
Speaker 1: the therapist told us we didn't need to come back.

1119
00:52:07,840 --> 00:52:10,279
Speaker 1: I go, oh, really, is that what she said? You

1120
00:52:10,440 --> 00:52:13,560
Speaker 1: fucking lit her like that is that is? She's like, yeah,

1121
00:52:13,560 --> 00:52:15,480
Speaker 1: she didn't think we needed to see her again. I'm like,

1122
00:52:15,600 --> 00:52:18,560
Speaker 1: oh my god. Talk about not wanting to face your issues.

1123
00:52:18,680 --> 00:52:20,680
Speaker 1: But let's talk about it in a more practical sense.

1124
00:52:21,120 --> 00:52:24,360
Speaker 1: Are you abled financially? If you were to decide to

1125
00:52:24,680 --> 00:52:27,520
Speaker 1: leave right there are some steps to take before. Obviously

1126
00:52:27,680 --> 00:52:29,400
Speaker 1: you you do get up and leave, But if you

1127
00:52:29,440 --> 00:52:31,080
Speaker 1: wanted to leave, what would that look like.

1128
00:52:31,560 --> 00:52:35,240
Speaker 5: Oh gosh, I mean financially, I think it would be fine. Family,

1129
00:52:35,480 --> 00:52:37,759
Speaker 5: it would, I said this to Catherine, like it would

1130
00:52:37,800 --> 00:52:41,000
Speaker 5: kind of just blow everything up. Our families are all

1131
00:52:41,160 --> 00:52:43,600
Speaker 5: very close around us. We see them all the time.

1132
00:52:43,800 --> 00:52:47,680
Speaker 5: It's we depend on like family for different things. And

1133
00:52:47,920 --> 00:52:51,120
Speaker 5: that's kind of my conundrum. It's like everything else in

1134
00:52:51,160 --> 00:52:54,640
Speaker 5: my life is great except for him. So do you

1135
00:52:54,920 --> 00:52:57,080
Speaker 5: blow up everything for that?

1136
00:52:57,480 --> 00:53:00,680
Speaker 4: Not yet. You can't blow it all up yet because

1137
00:53:00,680 --> 00:53:04,520
Speaker 4: you haven't tried. First. You haven't been fair to him

1138
00:53:04,760 --> 00:53:08,480
Speaker 4: by telling him you're at the end here until he

1139
00:53:08,680 --> 00:53:11,560
Speaker 4: knows exactly what's going on. So you're making up your

1140
00:53:11,600 --> 00:53:14,759
Speaker 4: own narrative and he's making up his own narrative, but

1141
00:53:14,840 --> 00:53:17,839
Speaker 4: you're not on the same page. And until you sit

1142
00:53:17,920 --> 00:53:21,560
Speaker 4: down with him and say, honey, I love you, but

1143
00:53:21,600 --> 00:53:24,160
Speaker 4: you need to know what I'm feeling. I'm feeling like

1144
00:53:24,440 --> 00:53:26,520
Speaker 4: grabbing these kids and getting the fuck out of here

1145
00:53:27,000 --> 00:53:31,200
Speaker 4: because I feel very alone. I don't want to do that,

1146
00:53:32,000 --> 00:53:35,200
Speaker 4: but I'm letting you know. If this continues and we

1147
00:53:35,239 --> 00:53:38,839
Speaker 4: don't start talking and communicating and you start helping and

1148
00:53:38,880 --> 00:53:41,680
Speaker 4: we go to therapy together to discuss this, I'm gone.

1149
00:53:41,960 --> 00:53:45,000
Speaker 4: They understand that, but he doesn't know you're thinking of

1150
00:53:45,040 --> 00:53:47,279
Speaker 4: what you're thinking. He has no idea.

1151
00:53:47,440 --> 00:53:50,640
Speaker 1: And also the key sentence is to make sure you

1152
00:53:50,719 --> 00:53:55,200
Speaker 1: impress upon him how alone you feel, because you shouldn't

1153
00:53:55,200 --> 00:53:58,279
Speaker 1: feel alone. You know you're in a marriage. What's the

1154
00:53:58,360 --> 00:54:00,600
Speaker 1: point of being in a marriage if you feel that way?

1155
00:54:01,200 --> 00:54:03,600
Speaker 1: So there are you do have to have a conversation

1156
00:54:03,719 --> 00:54:06,120
Speaker 1: with him. But on a more practical level, I just

1157
00:54:06,160 --> 00:54:07,680
Speaker 1: want to say a couple of things about like you

1158
00:54:07,800 --> 00:54:10,880
Speaker 1: blowing up your family, You're not blowing up your family.

1159
00:54:11,040 --> 00:54:12,799
Speaker 1: You have to take care of yourself for the sake

1160
00:54:12,840 --> 00:54:15,000
Speaker 1: of your children. You need to be healthy, you need

1161
00:54:15,040 --> 00:54:17,160
Speaker 1: to be happy, and you need to be fulfilled to

1162
00:54:17,239 --> 00:54:21,120
Speaker 1: raise healthy, happy children. That's what is the most important thing.

1163
00:54:21,560 --> 00:54:24,680
Speaker 1: And worrying about what everybody else is the impact and

1164
00:54:24,719 --> 00:54:27,280
Speaker 1: the ripple effect that it's going to have on everyone else.

1165
00:54:27,600 --> 00:54:30,719
Speaker 1: When you're just protecting yourself, it's not like you're abusing

1166
00:54:30,760 --> 00:54:33,680
Speaker 1: someone or doing drugs or you're an addict, you know,

1167
00:54:33,680 --> 00:54:35,680
Speaker 1: and you're blowing something up. You're blowing something up in

1168
00:54:35,719 --> 00:54:37,840
Speaker 1: your mind because you're going to be taking care of yourself.

1169
00:54:38,040 --> 00:54:41,520
Speaker 1: That's not blowing everything up. People adjust and acclimate to

1170
00:54:41,600 --> 00:54:46,040
Speaker 1: things all day long. People are dealing with new situations

1171
00:54:46,080 --> 00:54:48,600
Speaker 1: in family dynamics every single day.

1172
00:54:48,440 --> 00:54:49,480
Speaker 4: And kids are resilient.

1173
00:54:49,640 --> 00:54:52,040
Speaker 1: Yes, And all these people who I stay together for

1174
00:54:52,080 --> 00:54:54,239
Speaker 1: the children, I stay together for the children. And your

1175
00:54:54,320 --> 00:54:55,839
Speaker 1: child's going to grow up and get in the same

1176
00:54:55,880 --> 00:54:58,000
Speaker 1: dynamic that you were in that you modeled for them.

1177
00:54:58,480 --> 00:55:03,719
Speaker 1: So financially, if you're capable, you're free, you know what

1178
00:55:03,719 --> 00:55:06,200
Speaker 1: I mean. Like so many people don't have that. They

1179
00:55:06,200 --> 00:55:08,680
Speaker 1: don't have the financial freedom to leave. So I'm not

1180
00:55:08,680 --> 00:55:10,759
Speaker 1: saying to just get up and walk out the door. Yes,

1181
00:55:10,840 --> 00:55:12,719
Speaker 1: you should have a conversation with him. There needs to

1182
00:55:12,760 --> 00:55:15,799
Speaker 1: be more of a commitment than one therapy session. You

1183
00:55:15,840 --> 00:55:17,520
Speaker 1: have to go to couple's therapy, and if he has

1184
00:55:17,560 --> 00:55:18,719
Speaker 1: to go on his own, he has to go on

1185
00:55:18,760 --> 00:55:20,960
Speaker 1: his own, And if he's not willing.

1186
00:55:21,200 --> 00:55:23,320
Speaker 4: To do that, then you go to the next step.

1187
00:55:23,400 --> 00:55:26,040
Speaker 4: Then you can leave, and then you can leave feeling

1188
00:55:26,040 --> 00:55:27,080
Speaker 4: good about your decision.

1189
00:55:27,560 --> 00:55:28,839
Speaker 1: And you should leave at that point.

1190
00:55:28,960 --> 00:55:31,960
Speaker 4: Yeah, but I think you're sort of throwing the baby

1191
00:55:31,960 --> 00:55:34,719
Speaker 4: out with the bathwater because you're not. He's not on

1192
00:55:34,760 --> 00:55:38,799
Speaker 4: the same page as you. Yet. Once he knows, you

1193
00:55:38,840 --> 00:55:41,240
Speaker 4: owe it to yourself to tell him how you're feeling.

1194
00:55:41,719 --> 00:55:43,560
Speaker 4: You know what, you have nothing to lose because you're

1195
00:55:43,600 --> 00:55:46,520
Speaker 4: already out the door, right, you have one foot out

1196
00:55:46,520 --> 00:55:48,680
Speaker 4: the door. You're already thinking of the consequences of what's

1197
00:55:48,680 --> 00:55:50,680
Speaker 4: going to happen when you leave, and he doesn't even

1198
00:55:50,680 --> 00:55:53,480
Speaker 4: know you're thinking of leaving, So you have nothing to

1199
00:55:53,520 --> 00:55:56,040
Speaker 4: lose by saying I need to talk to you. You

1200
00:55:56,080 --> 00:55:59,600
Speaker 4: and I get a babysitter, go out to dinner so

1201
00:55:59,640 --> 00:56:01,680
Speaker 4: no one can raise their voices in the restaurant.

1202
00:56:01,840 --> 00:56:04,839
Speaker 1: Hmmm, oh god, you're full of it today. I love it.

1203
00:56:05,600 --> 00:56:07,240
Speaker 1: Got such a good stuff going.

1204
00:56:09,000 --> 00:56:11,319
Speaker 4: But it does help, you know, because you have the

1205
00:56:11,360 --> 00:56:17,320
Speaker 4: boundaries of a restaurant, right, and be empathetic to him. Listen,

1206
00:56:17,440 --> 00:56:19,839
Speaker 4: men are limited. I'm not saying let him get away

1207
00:56:19,840 --> 00:56:22,440
Speaker 4: with anything. I'm saying, talk to him as if he

1208
00:56:22,600 --> 00:56:27,400
Speaker 4: knows absolutely nothing, and say I've never been lonelier in

1209
00:56:27,440 --> 00:56:30,520
Speaker 4: my life. I don't know if you've noticed. I cannot

1210
00:56:30,560 --> 00:56:34,040
Speaker 4: bear feeling like ninety percent of the responsibilities of this

1211
00:56:34,160 --> 00:56:37,800
Speaker 4: family and our livelihood is on me. I am fine

1212
00:56:37,840 --> 00:56:39,959
Speaker 4: to leave this marriage and go out on my own.

1213
00:56:40,200 --> 00:56:42,360
Speaker 4: I'll be fine, I'll take care of the kids. Fine,

1214
00:56:43,120 --> 00:56:45,560
Speaker 4: But if you want me and the kids in your life.

1215
00:56:45,680 --> 00:56:48,160
Speaker 4: You need to know what's going on. Then if he

1216
00:56:48,280 --> 00:56:51,680
Speaker 4: is just such a douchebag that he doesn't even respond

1217
00:56:51,680 --> 00:56:54,279
Speaker 4: to that, or or thinks it's going to go away,

1218
00:56:54,320 --> 00:56:55,839
Speaker 4: and you need to say that to him, you can

1219
00:56:55,840 --> 00:57:00,200
Speaker 4: say this isn't going away by the conversation ending. I

1220
00:57:00,239 --> 00:57:03,719
Speaker 4: often think in relationships they're like, oh, yeah, hurt, I

1221
00:57:03,760 --> 00:57:07,360
Speaker 4: sat through it. I nodded my head, and now we're fine. No,

1222
00:57:07,760 --> 00:57:10,239
Speaker 4: this isn't going away. We need to work on it

1223
00:57:10,719 --> 00:57:13,360
Speaker 4: tomorrow and the day after tomorrow. And then if it

1224
00:57:13,360 --> 00:57:16,800
Speaker 4: doesn't work, you wipe off your hands and you go,

1225
00:57:16,880 --> 00:57:18,880
Speaker 4: I gave it my all. And you look at your children.

1226
00:57:18,960 --> 00:57:20,720
Speaker 4: You have boys girls, a boy.

1227
00:57:20,560 --> 00:57:22,400
Speaker 5: And a girl, A boy and a girl.

1228
00:57:22,440 --> 00:57:27,280
Speaker 4: What a great example to set for your children to say,

1229
00:57:27,840 --> 00:57:31,200
Speaker 4: mommy wasn't happy. It wasn't working. Daddy, he's not happy either.

1230
00:57:31,600 --> 00:57:34,240
Speaker 4: How can he be happy if he's with someone who's

1231
00:57:34,280 --> 00:57:37,280
Speaker 4: never felt lonelier And you've got to be def dumb

1232
00:57:37,360 --> 00:57:39,200
Speaker 4: and blind not to take that in.

1233
00:57:39,560 --> 00:57:41,440
Speaker 1: I don't think a lot of people are expecting to

1234
00:57:41,440 --> 00:57:44,320
Speaker 1: be happy. Quite frankly. They think life is like going

1235
00:57:44,360 --> 00:57:46,960
Speaker 1: to work, coming home, drinking a beer, going to sleep.

1236
00:57:47,160 --> 00:57:49,960
Speaker 1: You know, like they're not engaged in their life and

1237
00:57:50,000 --> 00:57:53,240
Speaker 1: you seem like somebody who is, so like, you can't

1238
00:57:53,400 --> 00:57:55,800
Speaker 1: give that gift away, you know what I mean, and

1239
00:57:55,880 --> 00:57:58,800
Speaker 1: just throw it, throw it away and not live your life.

1240
00:57:58,880 --> 00:58:01,280
Speaker 1: You have the potential to be in love in the

1241
00:58:01,280 --> 00:58:03,080
Speaker 1: way that you want to be in love with a man,

1242
00:58:03,680 --> 00:58:05,760
Speaker 1: and he just has to be aware of that. And

1243
00:58:05,960 --> 00:58:08,280
Speaker 1: you know, sometimes people don't react in the moment, but

1244
00:58:08,320 --> 00:58:10,520
Speaker 1: once they have a couple of days to think about it,

1245
00:58:10,800 --> 00:58:13,560
Speaker 1: there is a different reaction. So I like, I would

1246
00:58:13,600 --> 00:58:17,040
Speaker 1: be very vehement about starting therapy, figuring out, like finding

1247
00:58:17,080 --> 00:58:19,080
Speaker 1: a therapist that you guys can go start talking to

1248
00:58:19,680 --> 00:58:21,840
Speaker 1: and say like, that's the only way I'm willing to stay.

1249
00:58:21,920 --> 00:58:24,880
Speaker 1: I think we have a lot to uncover and work

1250
00:58:24,920 --> 00:58:28,200
Speaker 1: together if you want to save this marriage. And if

1251
00:58:28,240 --> 00:58:32,880
Speaker 1: you don't, also, that's okay, right, no problem, Like, yes,

1252
00:58:32,960 --> 00:58:35,320
Speaker 1: this is going to be disruptive, but if you don't,

1253
00:58:35,360 --> 00:58:37,240
Speaker 1: I can't. I'm not going to make you do anything.

1254
00:58:37,760 --> 00:58:39,720
Speaker 4: And you can say I don't like you right now,

1255
00:58:40,640 --> 00:58:44,040
Speaker 4: I don't like you. I love you, But why am

1256
00:58:44,080 --> 00:58:47,240
Speaker 4: I not liking you? Why have you become complacent in

1257
00:58:47,280 --> 00:58:49,280
Speaker 4: our life? I'm not saying we should all live in

1258
00:58:49,320 --> 00:58:51,120
Speaker 4: some fluffy cloud where every day is like, oh it's

1259
00:58:51,120 --> 00:58:54,680
Speaker 4: a blessing because it's hard and raising two children is

1260
00:58:54,760 --> 00:58:57,920
Speaker 4: hard and working every day it's hard. But if you

1261
00:58:57,960 --> 00:59:00,000
Speaker 4: don't have the other side of that, which is fine

1262
00:59:00,000 --> 00:59:03,080
Speaker 4: and then laughter and enjoyment and great sex and you know,

1263
00:59:03,160 --> 00:59:04,880
Speaker 4: then why stay in it?

1264
00:59:05,320 --> 00:59:07,240
Speaker 5: Yeah? I think you guys are bang on. Like I

1265
00:59:07,280 --> 00:59:12,400
Speaker 5: think he doesn't think that happiness is important, Like he

1266
00:59:12,520 --> 00:59:14,960
Speaker 5: kind of thinks like, oh, yeah, this is life, Like

1267
00:59:15,040 --> 00:59:16,920
Speaker 5: this is the daily slug and like you just do

1268
00:59:17,040 --> 00:59:19,840
Speaker 5: it and it doesn't matter if we're friends or we

1269
00:59:19,920 --> 00:59:22,320
Speaker 5: have fun together, we laugh together. It's just like this

1270
00:59:22,400 --> 00:59:24,600
Speaker 5: is we just have to get through it and there

1271
00:59:24,680 --> 00:59:26,920
Speaker 5: maybe there will be better times ahead kind of thing.

1272
00:59:27,040 --> 00:59:28,040
Speaker 4: That's really depressing.

1273
00:59:28,240 --> 00:59:30,520
Speaker 1: Yeah, that is depressing, But I think you're right. I

1274
00:59:30,560 --> 00:59:33,000
Speaker 1: think a lot of people feel that way. It's just

1275
00:59:33,040 --> 00:59:35,320
Speaker 1: a grind and they're just getting from one point. I

1276
00:59:35,400 --> 00:59:37,400
Speaker 1: heard a couple the other day saying as soon as

1277
00:59:37,560 --> 00:59:39,040
Speaker 1: they have a two and a four year old, and

1278
00:59:39,040 --> 00:59:41,440
Speaker 1: they're like, as soon as they grow up, then we're

1279
00:59:41,480 --> 00:59:43,800
Speaker 1: free again. I'm like, you're saying that when they're two,

1280
00:59:43,880 --> 00:59:46,440
Speaker 1: and why do you even have fucking children? Right, you know,

1281
00:59:46,600 --> 00:59:48,880
Speaker 1: free again. You're never going to be free from your children,

1282
00:59:48,960 --> 00:59:49,480
Speaker 1: first of all.

1283
00:59:49,920 --> 00:59:52,600
Speaker 4: So also there's just saying that my husband and I

1284
00:59:52,840 --> 00:59:54,440
Speaker 4: say to each other all the time.

1285
00:59:54,360 --> 00:59:57,800
Speaker 1: Give a woman in an errand and she got no.

1286
00:59:57,840 --> 01:00:02,480
Speaker 4: Which is happy parents', happy baby. And I really strongly

1287
01:00:02,520 --> 01:00:06,439
Speaker 4: believe that. And when we had our kid, we made

1288
01:00:06,480 --> 01:00:08,840
Speaker 4: sure one night a week the two of us had

1289
01:00:08,880 --> 01:00:12,080
Speaker 4: dinner together, no matter what, no matter what. I mean,

1290
01:00:12,200 --> 01:00:14,640
Speaker 4: I was like hunched over from a c section, and

1291
01:00:14,680 --> 01:00:16,440
Speaker 4: I was determined to have that date. I was like,

1292
01:00:16,480 --> 01:00:18,040
Speaker 4: We're gonna go and have dinner just the two of

1293
01:00:18,080 --> 01:00:21,200
Speaker 4: us and go away on little trips whenever we could,

1294
01:00:21,240 --> 01:00:22,760
Speaker 4: when we could get his parents to come and stay

1295
01:00:22,800 --> 01:00:25,760
Speaker 4: with the kid, Like you need to celebrate you because

1296
01:00:25,800 --> 01:00:29,480
Speaker 4: when those kids see happy parents, they feel secure and

1297
01:00:29,520 --> 01:00:32,800
Speaker 4: safe and happy. Believe me, they feel what you're feeling.

1298
01:00:33,080 --> 01:00:35,880
Speaker 4: They might not show it, it seeps in and they

1299
01:00:35,880 --> 01:00:37,600
Speaker 4: feel the tension in the marriage. Yeah.

1300
01:00:37,640 --> 01:00:41,640
Speaker 5: I think I almost like avoidant of date nights now

1301
01:00:41,680 --> 01:00:45,480
Speaker 5: because they're so uncomfortable and like we have nothing to

1302
01:00:45,560 --> 01:00:50,520
Speaker 5: talk about and it's not like a fun night out.

1303
01:00:51,080 --> 01:00:54,600
Speaker 4: Maybe start there, Yeah, say to him, when was the

1304
01:00:54,640 --> 01:00:56,920
Speaker 4: last time you took me out to dinner. When was

1305
01:00:56,960 --> 01:00:58,800
Speaker 4: the last time you and I decided to go see

1306
01:00:58,840 --> 01:01:02,080
Speaker 4: a movie and hold hands? Start with the little things.

1307
01:01:02,640 --> 01:01:04,800
Speaker 4: You can't do it all in one day, but you've

1308
01:01:04,840 --> 01:01:07,120
Speaker 4: got to give it a chance, and then to see

1309
01:01:07,160 --> 01:01:11,600
Speaker 4: to make sure you have nothing to feel guilty about. Nothing.

1310
01:01:11,960 --> 01:01:16,320
Speaker 4: You are obviously a successful, independent woman. That is awesome.

1311
01:01:16,360 --> 01:01:21,080
Speaker 4: He should worship you. But with that also makes a

1312
01:01:21,120 --> 01:01:23,760
Speaker 4: lot of men. I you know, I don't mean to

1313
01:01:23,880 --> 01:01:26,080
Speaker 4: sound like I'm man bashing, but a lot of men

1314
01:01:26,280 --> 01:01:29,600
Speaker 4: are insecure when they are with an independent, strong woman.

1315
01:01:30,440 --> 01:01:30,560
Speaker 5: You know.

1316
01:01:30,680 --> 01:01:33,080
Speaker 4: Wait, wait till you get to fifty, sister, you're going

1317
01:01:33,160 --> 01:01:35,040
Speaker 4: to be like, No, don't like that. Don't like that.

1318
01:01:35,240 --> 01:01:37,440
Speaker 4: Like the older you get, the more sure of yourself

1319
01:01:37,480 --> 01:01:40,959
Speaker 4: you are, you know. But I do believe that if

1320
01:01:41,000 --> 01:01:43,520
Speaker 4: you are true to yourself, you need to be true

1321
01:01:43,560 --> 01:01:47,240
Speaker 4: to him first so that you can live your truth

1322
01:01:47,560 --> 01:01:49,720
Speaker 4: and know that you did the right thing. And he

1323
01:01:49,800 --> 01:01:52,160
Speaker 4: might surprise you. You never know, and he might not,

1324
01:01:52,760 --> 01:01:54,600
Speaker 4: but you may as well find out.

1325
01:01:55,280 --> 01:01:57,600
Speaker 1: Yeah, and I think you should just change that framework

1326
01:01:57,600 --> 01:01:59,440
Speaker 1: that you have in your mind blowing up your family,

1327
01:01:59,440 --> 01:02:02,200
Speaker 1: blowing up your family, change that to saving your family.

1328
01:02:02,720 --> 01:02:06,000
Speaker 1: You're saving your kids from a life of that and

1329
01:02:06,200 --> 01:02:09,920
Speaker 1: a cycle. You know, we don't see what we're doing

1330
01:02:10,200 --> 01:02:13,320
Speaker 1: in our lives, but there's intergenerational trauma for a reason,

1331
01:02:13,480 --> 01:02:16,640
Speaker 1: like your kids will perpetuate that most likely, not that

1332
01:02:16,720 --> 01:02:18,439
Speaker 1: it's like a cycle of abuse, but it's a cycle

1333
01:02:18,480 --> 01:02:21,840
Speaker 1: of unhappiness. Why be unhappy? There's you know, we're only

1334
01:02:21,880 --> 01:02:24,160
Speaker 1: here for a short time. You got to get after it, girl,

1335
01:02:24,320 --> 01:02:26,439
Speaker 1: Like you need to get after it. So get after

1336
01:02:26,520 --> 01:02:29,000
Speaker 1: your marriage and see what you can do there. And

1337
01:02:29,080 --> 01:02:31,200
Speaker 1: if you can't figure it out, then you have to

1338
01:02:31,200 --> 01:02:32,720
Speaker 1: get after it on your own.

1339
01:02:32,800 --> 01:02:35,400
Speaker 4: Live your life. Also, you don't know what your family

1340
01:02:35,440 --> 01:02:37,919
Speaker 4: around you is thinking. Either you don't know, you may leave,

1341
01:02:37,920 --> 01:02:40,040
Speaker 4: and then your mom's like, oh thank god, honey, I

1342
01:02:40,040 --> 01:02:42,800
Speaker 4: couldn't say anything because you were you never know, you know,

1343
01:02:42,960 --> 01:02:45,920
Speaker 4: don't make it. So don't you think other people are

1344
01:02:46,000 --> 01:02:48,320
Speaker 4: judging or saying anything. You don't live in their heads.

1345
01:02:48,360 --> 01:02:50,280
Speaker 4: You live in your head, and your head's the only

1346
01:02:50,280 --> 01:02:51,280
Speaker 4: one you need to worry about.

1347
01:02:51,520 --> 01:02:53,200
Speaker 1: Like, can I ask you a question? And this is

1348
01:02:53,280 --> 01:02:55,520
Speaker 1: mostly just for our listeners, because I'm sure a lot

1349
01:02:55,560 --> 01:02:57,880
Speaker 1: of people are like, oh, sounds like me, what is

1350
01:02:57,920 --> 01:02:59,560
Speaker 1: your life like? When he gets home for work, or

1351
01:02:59,600 --> 01:03:01,640
Speaker 1: when you get home from work at night, Like what

1352
01:03:01,920 --> 01:03:02,880
Speaker 1: is the communication?

1353
01:03:03,160 --> 01:03:07,000
Speaker 5: Like, there's zero communication, Like if we even say like

1354
01:03:07,080 --> 01:03:10,439
Speaker 5: hello to each other, that would be a special day.

1355
01:03:10,720 --> 01:03:13,520
Speaker 5: And it's mostly because like the kids are just on

1356
01:03:13,600 --> 01:03:15,720
Speaker 5: top of me all the time, Like they just pick

1357
01:03:15,800 --> 01:03:19,360
Speaker 5: me over him every single time, and so I can't,

1358
01:03:19,520 --> 01:03:21,880
Speaker 5: like I can't speak to him or have a conversation.

1359
01:03:22,280 --> 01:03:24,320
Speaker 5: So then like we kind of just go our separate

1360
01:03:24,360 --> 01:03:26,480
Speaker 5: ways and I deal with the kids and he does whatever.

1361
01:03:26,680 --> 01:03:27,440
Speaker 1: What does he do?

1362
01:03:28,520 --> 01:03:30,760
Speaker 5: Well, he does work a lot, so he often doesn't

1363
01:03:30,800 --> 01:03:35,240
Speaker 5: come home for dinner or bedtime. So if he's there,

1364
01:03:35,400 --> 01:03:37,840
Speaker 5: then he would like kind of hang around and have

1365
01:03:37,840 --> 01:03:40,000
Speaker 5: dinner with us or read the newspaper or whatever. But

1366
01:03:40,560 --> 01:03:42,800
Speaker 5: if he's not there, then I just go through the routine.

1367
01:03:42,960 --> 01:03:44,200
Speaker 4: Is he an old man.

1368
01:03:46,080 --> 01:03:46,640
Speaker 5: At heart?

1369
01:03:46,880 --> 01:03:47,760
Speaker 4: Yeah? At heart.

1370
01:03:50,080 --> 01:03:52,000
Speaker 1: You don't think he's having an affair though, do you.

1371
01:03:52,880 --> 01:03:57,160
Speaker 5: I don't. I think there's potential, but it's almost it's

1372
01:03:57,280 --> 01:04:00,479
Speaker 5: it's kind of sad because I almost have had these before,

1373
01:04:00,600 --> 01:04:04,000
Speaker 5: Like oh if he did, I wouldn't care because I'm

1374
01:04:04,040 --> 01:04:05,720
Speaker 5: just like that disconnected.

1375
01:04:05,920 --> 01:04:08,760
Speaker 4: I've been there. I've been there. I remember I was

1376
01:04:08,800 --> 01:04:11,880
Speaker 4: with this guy I had fantasies of coming home and

1377
01:04:11,960 --> 01:04:14,360
Speaker 4: catching him in bed with another woman so I could leave.

1378
01:04:15,360 --> 01:04:18,400
Speaker 4: But that's because I was too scared to leave. You know,

1379
01:04:18,880 --> 01:04:22,000
Speaker 4: you need to confront him with the truth. The truth ultimately,

1380
01:04:22,080 --> 01:04:24,919
Speaker 4: will say, I know, but it will set you free.

1381
01:04:25,000 --> 01:04:27,480
Speaker 1: Well done. If you give a busy woman an errand

1382
01:04:27,520 --> 01:04:29,400
Speaker 1: she'll get it done, and then the truth will also

1383
01:04:29,440 --> 01:04:33,520
Speaker 1: set you free. Okay, did everybody hear that? You can

1384
01:04:33,600 --> 01:04:37,640
Speaker 1: read more about Juliana's dysfunctional relationship in Sunshine Girl, where

1385
01:04:37,680 --> 01:04:39,000
Speaker 1: she really talked about it.

1386
01:04:39,240 --> 01:04:39,720
Speaker 4: Talk about it.

1387
01:04:40,040 --> 01:04:41,400
Speaker 1: After I read that book, I had to find out

1388
01:04:41,440 --> 01:04:42,919
Speaker 1: who the X was, so I looked it up right away.

1389
01:04:42,960 --> 01:04:46,040
Speaker 1: But anyway, to you, you are full of life. Yeah

1390
01:04:46,280 --> 01:04:48,320
Speaker 1: you are, Vibrett, you know what I mean, it's just

1391
01:04:48,360 --> 01:04:48,800
Speaker 1: your fate.

1392
01:04:48,840 --> 01:04:51,400
Speaker 4: You're like you are. She's like, yeah, you want to

1393
01:04:51,400 --> 01:04:54,800
Speaker 4: go live life. You're the best to do. Can I

1394
01:04:54,840 --> 01:04:57,600
Speaker 4: ask how many years you've lived? How old do you?

1395
01:04:57,840 --> 01:04:58,600
Speaker 5: Thirty three?

1396
01:04:59,000 --> 01:05:02,960
Speaker 1: I mean you are like, yeah, You've got a whole

1397
01:05:03,040 --> 01:05:06,000
Speaker 1: other section ahead of you, a few sections actually.

1398
01:05:05,760 --> 01:05:08,000
Speaker 4: And you shouldn't waste it for a minute on not

1399
01:05:08,320 --> 01:05:11,560
Speaker 4: celebrating who you are and showing your kids that, Like,

1400
01:05:11,640 --> 01:05:15,560
Speaker 4: I just truly believe that you owe it to yourself

1401
01:05:15,600 --> 01:05:17,280
Speaker 4: and your children to be happy.

1402
01:05:17,640 --> 01:05:20,000
Speaker 1: Have you confided to any of your family members?

1403
01:05:20,240 --> 01:05:20,840
Speaker 5: No?

1404
01:05:20,840 --> 01:05:21,480
Speaker 1: No, nothing?

1405
01:05:21,720 --> 01:05:23,440
Speaker 4: Well, now do any of them listen to your child?

1406
01:05:23,720 --> 01:05:26,800
Speaker 1: That's why she used an alias. Oh okay, and we

1407
01:05:26,840 --> 01:05:31,400
Speaker 1: won't be using her image. Yeah, that's okay.

1408
01:05:31,560 --> 01:05:33,440
Speaker 4: Talk to him first. Have you talked to any of

1409
01:05:33,480 --> 01:05:36,040
Speaker 4: your friends about it or people who know who he is?

1410
01:05:36,760 --> 01:05:40,240
Speaker 5: Just like little things, but not to the full extent.

1411
01:05:40,320 --> 01:05:43,320
Speaker 4: But that's why you feel so lonely, honey, I know. Yeah,

1412
01:05:43,360 --> 01:05:46,280
Speaker 4: you're not sharing it, that's why you're feeling so lonely.

1413
01:05:47,080 --> 01:05:50,720
Speaker 5: But I also you know, if you are going to

1414
01:05:50,760 --> 01:05:52,640
Speaker 5: stay with the person, you don't want everyone around you

1415
01:05:52,680 --> 01:05:53,479
Speaker 5: to hate them either.

1416
01:05:54,080 --> 01:05:56,880
Speaker 1: No, but everybody has problems in their marriages, you know,

1417
01:05:57,000 --> 01:05:59,640
Speaker 1: it's not like people. Everyone has to have a confidant,

1418
01:06:00,200 --> 01:06:01,960
Speaker 1: and it's going to be it's going to lighten the

1419
01:06:01,960 --> 01:06:04,240
Speaker 1: load for you as well, getting it off your chest,

1420
01:06:04,360 --> 01:06:07,320
Speaker 1: so to speak. You want to confide in people. People

1421
01:06:07,400 --> 01:06:09,400
Speaker 1: are there for you that you don't realize a lot

1422
01:06:09,480 --> 01:06:11,840
Speaker 1: of us want to like carry the burdens all by ourselves,

1423
01:06:12,200 --> 01:06:15,480
Speaker 1: and that's just not fair. You know, when you you

1424
01:06:15,520 --> 01:06:18,000
Speaker 1: need somebody to lean on, I guarantee you there's plenty

1425
01:06:18,040 --> 01:06:21,440
Speaker 1: of people that would welcome that in your life. So

1426
01:06:21,640 --> 01:06:22,760
Speaker 1: open that channel too.

1427
01:06:23,280 --> 01:06:25,040
Speaker 4: You don't have to sit there alone with it.

1428
01:06:25,160 --> 01:06:27,400
Speaker 1: Talk about how much you know how terrible he is.

1429
01:06:27,480 --> 01:06:29,720
Speaker 1: It's just that you feel alone and your marriage is

1430
01:06:29,880 --> 01:06:33,960
Speaker 1: definitely in a rut. You're not even communicating. He must

1431
01:06:34,000 --> 01:06:36,360
Speaker 1: feel that way, and I think you should tell him. Listen,

1432
01:06:36,440 --> 01:06:38,200
Speaker 1: even if you were having an affair, I'm not sure

1433
01:06:38,200 --> 01:06:39,560
Speaker 1: that I would care at this point.

1434
01:06:39,760 --> 01:06:43,320
Speaker 4: That's a great point. Yeah, tell him that. See how

1435
01:06:43,360 --> 01:06:44,120
Speaker 4: that makes him feel.

1436
01:06:44,200 --> 01:06:44,800
Speaker 5: Yeah, I will.

1437
01:06:45,080 --> 01:06:47,000
Speaker 4: You need to talk to him, and then you need

1438
01:06:47,040 --> 01:06:49,080
Speaker 4: to go and live your life on your terms. But

1439
01:06:49,160 --> 01:06:51,840
Speaker 4: you're not alone. Go talk to you must have girlfriends.

1440
01:06:51,880 --> 01:06:53,960
Speaker 4: You're so lovely. Go talk to your girlfriends.

1441
01:06:54,120 --> 01:06:55,160
Speaker 5: I do have girlfriends.

1442
01:06:55,520 --> 01:06:58,280
Speaker 4: Talk to them because it helps to get perspective for sure.

1443
01:06:58,560 --> 01:07:01,040
Speaker 1: For sure. Don't carry it alone. And then check in

1444
01:07:01,080 --> 01:07:02,760
Speaker 1: with us, okay in a few months, and let us

1445
01:07:02,760 --> 01:07:05,320
Speaker 1: we know what you're doing. If you guys got into therapy,

1446
01:07:05,840 --> 01:07:08,440
Speaker 1: if you're planning on leaving, what your plan is. But

1447
01:07:08,560 --> 01:07:11,360
Speaker 1: know that financial freedom is probably the most important ingredient

1448
01:07:11,440 --> 01:07:14,920
Speaker 1: in this equation, you know, because that means that you

1449
01:07:14,960 --> 01:07:16,760
Speaker 1: can leave if you want, and a lot of people

1450
01:07:16,760 --> 01:07:18,200
Speaker 1: don't have that privilege.

1451
01:07:18,400 --> 01:07:20,600
Speaker 5: Okay, thank you guys so much. It was so nice

1452
01:07:20,600 --> 01:07:21,160
Speaker 5: speaking with.

1453
01:07:21,160 --> 01:07:23,760
Speaker 4: Oh, it was a pleasure. Good luck, Yeah, good luck.

1454
01:07:23,760 --> 01:07:24,320
Speaker 1: You can do this.

1455
01:07:24,480 --> 01:07:26,280
Speaker 4: You've got this, go do it.

1456
01:07:26,720 --> 01:07:28,120
Speaker 5: Thank you, brave.

1457
01:07:27,920 --> 01:07:28,440
Speaker 4: You got it.

1458
01:07:29,680 --> 01:07:32,440
Speaker 1: Good Luye Bye, bye, thanks girls.

1459
01:07:32,480 --> 01:07:32,840
Speaker 5: Bye.

1460
01:07:33,240 --> 01:07:34,760
Speaker 1: Okay, we're going to take a quick break and then

1461
01:07:34,760 --> 01:07:36,760
Speaker 1: we're going to come back and wrap up with Juliana

1462
01:07:36,800 --> 01:07:37,600
Speaker 1: Margy Lee's.

1463
01:07:41,720 --> 01:07:45,520
Speaker 4: Oh, there's nothing worse than feeling alone in a relationship.

1464
01:07:45,720 --> 01:07:48,840
Speaker 1: I know my friend said this the other day. She

1465
01:07:49,000 --> 01:07:51,560
Speaker 1: was saying, well, she said it pretty publicly. I heard

1466
01:07:51,560 --> 01:07:54,440
Speaker 1: Gwynneth say on Gwyneth Paltrow was talking about.

1467
01:07:54,200 --> 01:08:01,560
Speaker 4: Well, I mean, you don't need the Pealtrow, but go on, okay.

1468
01:08:00,320 --> 01:08:04,560
Speaker 1: Call her daddy this Alexandra Cooper podcast, and she was

1469
01:08:04,600 --> 01:08:07,200
Speaker 1: saying how she felt very alone in her marriage to

1470
01:08:07,280 --> 01:08:10,640
Speaker 1: Chris Martin, and I thought, how sad. You know, how

1471
01:08:10,720 --> 01:08:12,920
Speaker 1: sad to feel alone in a marriage? You know, you

1472
01:08:12,960 --> 01:08:17,040
Speaker 1: grow up. We are fed all of this bullshit. I mean,

1473
01:08:17,080 --> 01:08:18,800
Speaker 1: you have a very healthy marriage. You're one of my

1474
01:08:18,800 --> 01:08:21,240
Speaker 1: girlfriends that is in a normal, healthy relationship, and you

1475
01:08:21,240 --> 01:08:23,040
Speaker 1: want to spend your birthday with him, So there you go.

1476
01:08:24,479 --> 01:08:26,800
Speaker 1: But you grow up being fed this idea that we're

1477
01:08:26,800 --> 01:08:29,400
Speaker 1: going to meet Prince Charming and that we're gonna fall

1478
01:08:29,439 --> 01:08:32,479
Speaker 1: madly in love and all of these things, and we're

1479
01:08:32,479 --> 01:08:34,439
Speaker 1: gonna have kids and that's gonna just be one big

1480
01:08:34,520 --> 01:08:38,519
Speaker 1: rainbow after another. And it's like, well, that's ridiculous, and

1481
01:08:38,600 --> 01:08:41,080
Speaker 1: I don't know why we're being spoon fed that. It's

1482
01:08:41,160 --> 01:08:43,439
Speaker 1: just not realistic at all, and it doesn't take into

1483
01:08:43,479 --> 01:08:44,920
Speaker 1: account life, right.

1484
01:08:44,960 --> 01:08:47,559
Speaker 4: And it was interesting because when she was talking about

1485
01:08:47,880 --> 01:08:49,840
Speaker 4: in her letter, when she was like, I never wanted kids,

1486
01:08:49,880 --> 01:08:52,479
Speaker 4: I never wanted a husband. I'm independent, I'm you know,

1487
01:08:52,560 --> 01:08:55,000
Speaker 4: she's a career woman. She's got and then she fell

1488
01:08:55,000 --> 01:08:57,400
Speaker 4: in love, right, and in those love like when you're

1489
01:08:57,439 --> 01:08:59,439
Speaker 4: all in love and then the babies come, and then

1490
01:08:59,479 --> 01:09:02,280
Speaker 4: the fucking hard work comes and the sleepless nights and

1491
01:09:02,320 --> 01:09:05,519
Speaker 4: the exhaustion. Not to put people off, but the truth

1492
01:09:05,600 --> 01:09:11,400
Speaker 4: is it's not easy. It's just not it's easier. You know,

1493
01:09:11,560 --> 01:09:15,040
Speaker 4: I got married at forty, I got pregnant at forty.

1494
01:09:15,479 --> 01:09:19,479
Speaker 4: I suggest everybody do that because I had lived and learned.

1495
01:09:19,920 --> 01:09:21,559
Speaker 4: The reason I'm in a good marriage is because I

1496
01:09:21,600 --> 01:09:25,000
Speaker 4: was in terrible relationships for years and I vowed rather

1497
01:09:25,080 --> 01:09:27,840
Speaker 4: be alone than be with an asshole, And by the

1498
01:09:27,840 --> 01:09:29,800
Speaker 4: time I met my husband, I was like, I don't

1499
01:09:29,800 --> 01:09:31,960
Speaker 4: do this. I don't do that. Not to say I'm

1500
01:09:32,000 --> 01:09:32,920
Speaker 4: not flexible, but.

1501
01:09:33,240 --> 01:09:35,920
Speaker 1: You also make better decisions as you get older because

1502
01:09:35,960 --> 01:09:38,719
Speaker 1: of our experience. So the longer you can prolong getting

1503
01:09:38,720 --> 01:09:40,920
Speaker 1: married or having a child, the better.

1504
01:09:41,360 --> 01:09:44,120
Speaker 4: But I do think the biggest issue, and this is

1505
01:09:44,120 --> 01:09:46,920
Speaker 4: something that happens I think with much younger. You know,

1506
01:09:47,000 --> 01:09:50,280
Speaker 4: she's thirty three and she's worried about the families, what

1507
01:09:50,320 --> 01:09:53,280
Speaker 4: the outside families are going to think. When you get

1508
01:09:53,280 --> 01:09:56,080
Speaker 4: to my age, you don't give a fuck exactly, Like

1509
01:09:56,120 --> 01:09:58,360
Speaker 4: you're not You're not in my shoes and you're not

1510
01:09:58,400 --> 01:09:58,840
Speaker 4: in my bed.

1511
01:09:58,960 --> 01:10:02,000
Speaker 1: So you know, it's so silly to consider other people

1512
01:10:02,040 --> 01:10:04,560
Speaker 1: really at all when you're dealing with a breakup. No,

1513
01:10:04,720 --> 01:10:08,200
Speaker 1: unless it's just so silly because it's like, that's not

1514
01:10:08,280 --> 01:10:10,840
Speaker 1: what it's about, right, Juliana, I'm going to see you

1515
01:10:10,880 --> 01:10:12,200
Speaker 1: again in about an hour.

1516
01:10:12,400 --> 01:10:15,439
Speaker 4: Yeah, we have an early dinner before our theater date

1517
01:10:15,680 --> 01:10:18,000
Speaker 4: and so fun. I love doing your show.

1518
01:10:18,160 --> 01:10:21,160
Speaker 1: Thank you for the sagacious advice today. You were amazing.

1519
01:10:21,520 --> 01:10:24,800
Speaker 1: You really really were just blowing me away. I didn't

1520
01:10:24,840 --> 01:10:25,719
Speaker 1: even know what to say.

1521
01:10:26,360 --> 01:10:29,920
Speaker 4: I just love a girlfriend who knows to say sagacious.

1522
01:10:30,200 --> 01:10:32,479
Speaker 4: Can we just start there? Yeah, just let's ed here,

1523
01:10:32,640 --> 01:10:33,720
Speaker 4: t me on a little bit.

1524
01:10:34,880 --> 01:10:36,040
Speaker 1: Well now you're lesbian.

1525
01:10:36,439 --> 01:10:38,920
Speaker 4: Thank you, honey, thank you for having me. I'll be back.

1526
01:10:39,000 --> 01:10:40,280
Speaker 1: Goodbye, everybody Bye.

1527
01:10:41,640 --> 01:10:44,000
Speaker 2: If you'd like advice from Chelsea, shoot us an email

1528
01:10:44,040 --> 01:10:47,120
Speaker 2: at Dear Chelsea podcast at gmail dot com and be

1529
01:10:47,120 --> 01:10:50,200
Speaker 2: sure to include your phone number. Dear Chelsea is edited

1530
01:10:50,200 --> 01:10:53,840
Speaker 2: and engineered by Brad Dickard executive producer Catherine Law and

1531
01:10:53,920 --> 01:10:56,320
Speaker 2: be sure to check out our march at Chelseahandler dot

1532
01:10:56,360 --> 01:10:57,280
Speaker 2: com