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Speaker 1: Hello everybody. I'm Jemma Spake and welcome back to the

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Speaker 1: Psychology of Your Twenties, the podcast where we talk through

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Speaker 1: the biggest changes, moments, and transitions of our twenties and

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Speaker 1: what they mean for our psychology. Hello everybody, Welcome back

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Speaker 1: to the show. Welcome back to the podcast. It is

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Speaker 1: so great to have you here. Back for another episode

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Speaker 1: as we of course break down the psychology of our twenties. Today,

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Speaker 1: we are talking about a pain I think a lot

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Speaker 1: of us carry around in our twenties, but really, at

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Speaker 1: any age, at any age, you can have this deep

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Speaker 1: sadness and frustration around how do I love again when

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Speaker 1: I've been hurt so badly in the past, how do

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Speaker 1: I love again when I have learned that love is

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Speaker 1: not something that I can trust, And just saying that,

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Speaker 1: there's so much hurt in those states. There's so much

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Speaker 1: pain and trauma in those statements, especially when the love

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Speaker 1: you've experienced in the past has been toxic. I think

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Speaker 1: this goes beyond heartbreak. It goes beyond somebody you know

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Speaker 1: you and somebody else just not working out. There is

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Speaker 1: this reprogramming that occurs when you experience toxic love. It

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Speaker 1: changes how you interpret every single detail, every single thing

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Speaker 1: somebody does. It changes how you respond to closeness or

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Speaker 1: even how safe you feel with somebody when they're kind

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Speaker 1: to you and when they do everything right and when

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Speaker 1: they are the one. It can just train your body to,

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Speaker 1: even after a relationship is over, associate love with panic

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Speaker 1: and love with hostility, so that when maybe one day

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Speaker 1: you meet somebody who is very calm and lovely, instead

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Speaker 1: of feeling bliss and instead of feeling safe, you just

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Speaker 1: feel suspicious and you just feel restless, like you're waiting.

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Speaker 1: You're waiting for the catch, You're waiting for something to

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Speaker 1: go horribly wrong. I've been there myself in my relationship

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Speaker 1: before I met Tom. You know, it really did something

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Speaker 1: to me. Sometimes it felt like love was just something

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Speaker 1: that could be manipulated and taken advantage of. That's what

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Speaker 1: that relationship left me feeling. And when I met Tom Tho,

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Speaker 1: those past experiences really caused me to be really suspicious,

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Speaker 1: very suspicious. So I kind of wanted to, i don't know,

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Speaker 1: reflect on my own experience in a way and bring

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Speaker 1: that to this episode on experiencing healthy love after toxic love.

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Speaker 1: What we're going to explore is what toxic love does

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Speaker 1: to your nervous system, what it does to your self esteem,

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Speaker 1: to your biological wiring, to your attachment patterns, and then

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Speaker 1: as well how we can slowly, practically relearn how to

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Speaker 1: feel safe and how to feel excited by the potential

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Speaker 1: of a relationship. So, without further ado, it's going to

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Speaker 1: be a big episode. Strap in, let's get into it.

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Speaker 1: So the first big question of the day, what does

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Speaker 1: toxic love actually look like? There is no Oxford Dictionary

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Speaker 1: definition for this. I'm sure you guys probably don't even

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Speaker 1: need me to describe it. You know what you felt it.

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Speaker 1: But it basically just represents a relational or a relationship

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Speaker 1: dynamic that is consistently and insidiously harmful to your well being.

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Speaker 1: It's not necessarily about one person being evil or about

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Speaker 1: the occasional argument. It is often about a pattern of

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Speaker 1: things like chronic invalidation, emotional inconsistency, jealousy, contempt, nastiness, betrayal

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Speaker 1: that makes you feel very small, and that there's just

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Speaker 1: a part of you that feels, even in those moments,

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Speaker 1: that this isn't how you're meant to be treated. In

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Speaker 1: toxic relationships, there will likely be repeated to cycles of

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Speaker 1: rupture without repair, or kind of emotional chaos that makes

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Speaker 1: you feel destabilized and very insecure. It's never resolved. You

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Speaker 1: just either stop thinking about it or you move on

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Speaker 1: to the next thing. It's very intense, it's very time consuming, emotional,

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Speaker 1: emotionally consuming, and it's very hard to leave. Not because

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Speaker 1: you're scared, although that can be a part of it,

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Speaker 1: but sometimes just because you're really actually hooked on the

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Speaker 1: highs and lows and kind of in a way you're

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Speaker 1: addicted or you're hooked to this like potential. It's the

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Speaker 1: hope that really kills you in these situations. It's the

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Speaker 1: hope that keeps you hanging around, Hope that it's going

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Speaker 1: to get better, hope that it's going to transform into

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Speaker 1: the thing you want it to be. You might be thinking, ah,

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Speaker 1: a lot of huh, A lot of that sounds like abuse,

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Speaker 1: just with a less intense name. And that's a really

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Speaker 1: valuable point. So let's quickly discuss the difference here, abusive

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Speaker 1: love or just straight up abuse. Cut the love part.

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Speaker 2: Just abuse.

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Speaker 1: It's fundamentally about power and about control. It's again a

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Speaker 1: pattern where usually one person's autonomy gets eroded over time,

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Speaker 1: and the other person is the one who obviously does

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Speaker 1: that erosion, but they might toor your phone. They isolate

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Speaker 1: you from friends, they control your money, they make threats,

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Speaker 1: they coerce you into things, they intimidate you, they emotionally

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Speaker 1: punish you for any signs of independence. That's really what

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Speaker 1: abuse looks like. And toxic love and abusive or just

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Speaker 1: abuse can definitely overlap. But I think toxic loves it's

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Speaker 1: like sits a little bit below. Some relationships are toxic

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Speaker 1: but not abusive. It's just two people with poor boundaries,

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Speaker 1: two people with poor conflict skills, lots of insecurity, lots

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Speaker 1: of reactivity, people who hurt each other but aren't necessarily

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Speaker 1: engaging in a pattern of domination. And some relationships also

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Speaker 1: worth acknowledging, begin as toxic and then slide into abuse,

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Speaker 1: slide into fear and control and coercion. But I think

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Speaker 1: a lot of us live in that messy middle, relationships

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Speaker 1: that are just tumultuous, where there's just true people whose

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Speaker 1: needs and wants are different, and one person is really

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Speaker 1: putting themselves more in the middle, and one person is

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Speaker 1: really calling more of the shots not to dominate you.

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Speaker 1: Maybe to dominate you, but more so just because there's

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Speaker 1: a selfishness there and there's a lack of communication there,

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Speaker 1: and it's just messy and there's not a clear definition

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Speaker 1: of what exactly is going wrong, but you know that

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Speaker 1: something is. I think what's difficult is that we look

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Speaker 1: at those kinds of situations and because they're not abusive,

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Speaker 1: we don't want to sound dramatic or make too big

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Speaker 1: of a deal of them or the way that they've

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Speaker 1: impacted us. But they do still leave a mark, and

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Speaker 1: toxic love leaves psychological wounds pretty deep ones. It can

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Speaker 1: really significantly change how you see love, especially if it

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Speaker 1: is in your twenties. It's not something to kind of

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Speaker 1: be brushed aside. Your twenties are already very much dictated

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Speaker 1: by high change. They are a high learning stage of life.

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Speaker 1: People often think that childhood is our most malleable time.

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Speaker 1: It definitely is for some things, but your relationship blueprint

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Speaker 1: continues to develop into adulthood, and especially in your twenties,

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Speaker 1: it can be shifted. When a relationship, I don't know

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Speaker 1: how I can word this, but when it doesn't have

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Speaker 1: a stable center, when it doesn't have a stable core,

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Speaker 1: it can throw you off your mark and scramble what

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Speaker 1: you think love should be. Basically, I think when two

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Speaker 1: stories are being told about love at the same time

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Speaker 1: in the same relationship, one where you feel good and

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Speaker 1: the second story where you feel terrible, and they keep

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Speaker 1: switching and you keep thinking this is amazing and I

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Speaker 1: feel safe, and then I feel exhausted and I feel

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Speaker 1: dismissed and I feel like I'm not wanted and I

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Speaker 1: feel terrible. They come into conflict and they clash, and

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Speaker 1: your brain only wants one story to be true, so

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Speaker 1: it doesn't really know what a place, what's going on,

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Speaker 1: and it doesn't really know I guess how to adapt

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Speaker 1: your expectations of love Accordingly, there's just a lot going

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Speaker 1: on that kind of scrambles our blueprint. The biggest impact

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Speaker 1: of this is that it can lead us to normalized

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Speaker 1: dysfunction and almost emotionally just or emotionally rebrand a tumultuous

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Speaker 1: kind of relationship as exciting simply as a way to

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Speaker 1: endure it, meaning that eventually again, when we do encounter

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Speaker 1: this healthy, safe love and it doesn't contain those rapid

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Speaker 1: ups and downs, it can feel really boring because it

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Speaker 1: contradicts what we've come to expect sometimes, you know, after chaos,

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Speaker 1: And I've seen this in so many people's relationships that

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Speaker 1: I know stability feels really just dull, not because healthy

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Speaker 1: love is dull, but because you've learned to associate love

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Speaker 1: with intensity and with stimulation and excitement. These relationships include

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Speaker 1: so many highs and so many lows. And that pattern

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Speaker 1: is very similar to the pattern that most addictive substances

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Speaker 1: rely on to get you hooked. This pattern of stress, intensity,

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Speaker 1: and then euphoria and relief at consuming the substance or

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Speaker 1: experiencing the stimulus, and then it eventually plummets back. The

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Speaker 1: relief is gone. You're scrambling for a higher dose. This

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Speaker 1: is why toxic love and I think addictions sometimes go.

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Speaker 2: Hand in hand.

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Speaker 1: There is a real neurochemical level to it. It's exhausting,

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Speaker 1: but it's also familiar, and more importantly, it can really

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Speaker 1: interrupt and harm the part of your brain that deals

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Speaker 1: with the interpretation of danger, that deals with fear, that

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Speaker 1: deals with regulating heightened emotions. There's a concept in polyvagal

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Speaker 1: theory called neuroception, which basically talks about how your body

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Speaker 1: is constantly or unconsciously in a state where it can

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Speaker 1: detect threats, So essentially, at any given time, there is

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Speaker 1: always a part of you that's going to be able

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Speaker 1: to sense danger. The thing is is that when people

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Speaker 1: feel safe, that reaction, those reactions are down regulated, so

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Speaker 1: they're not taking up all your mental, physical, cognitive resources.

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Speaker 1: Your body's able to stay mobilized, You're able to stay

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Speaker 1: in the present, You're able to feel safe. After trauma,

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Speaker 1: after something like a really intense relationship, especially one that

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Speaker 1: felt very harmful, neuroception can become just regulated, so you

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Speaker 1: perceive danger and you perceive this intensity as the new normal.

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Speaker 1: Even in safe situations, your body remains in that heightened

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Speaker 1: state of alertness and that becomes basically your new equlibrium.

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Speaker 1: Your new equilibrium is one whereby everything feels like at

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Speaker 1: any given moment it could turn terribly wrong. And the

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Speaker 1: research does show again, just to nail this point home again,

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Speaker 1: after experiencing relation or trauma, people struggle, because of neuroception

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Speaker 1: and because of many other processes, to read safety correctly,

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Speaker 1: and often they will confuse safety with something else. A

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Speaker 1: twenty twelve paper in the journal Neuropharmacology actually suggests that

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Speaker 1: people with PTSD, for example, struggle to downregulate or switch

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Speaker 1: off fear and anxiety responses, and so because this low

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Speaker 1: level of anxiety becomes the new normal, when safe situations

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Speaker 1: come along, sometimes those can actually feel the most scary

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Speaker 1: because they are so counter to what is familiar. Sometimes

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Speaker 1: the healthy, safe relationship can feel the most bizarre and

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Speaker 1: terrible and fearful because it's so different, it's so different

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Speaker 1: from what you expect. You don't have to have experienced

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Speaker 1: or have PTSD for this to be the case. My

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Speaker 1: point is just that, essentially, when your brain has learnt

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Speaker 1: that in the relationship, in the relational context, closeness is dangerous,

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Speaker 1: it becomes harder to feel safe even when you are safe,

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Speaker 1: because that doubt is your insurance, and the feeling of

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Speaker 1: safety is not normal and therefore feels unsafe, uncanny, and

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Speaker 1: so you interpret even the most harmless, wonderful situations as

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Speaker 1: things that are threats. Someone predictable comes along, someone who

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Speaker 1: doesn't play games, someone who is just really into you,

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Speaker 1: and you think this is a fantastic They give you

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Speaker 1: all the reassurance you need, they give you everything you need,

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Speaker 1: and then your nervous system cuts in, and because it's

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Speaker 1: so used to scanning embracing and suddenly there is nothing wrong.

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Speaker 1: That feeling of peace is unfamiliar, and that feeling of

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Speaker 1: peace can feel I know, I've said uncanny the most times,

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Speaker 1: but can be anxiety inducing in its own way. So

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Speaker 1: what that basically means is that after toxic love, you

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Speaker 1: are approaching healthy love and the potential for healthy love

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Speaker 1: with an entirely new perspective and with an entirely new

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Speaker 1: I don't want to say brain, but set of neurological

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Speaker 1: and psychological habits that mean you can't and you feel

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Speaker 1: like you cannot always trust your judgment of the person

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Speaker 1: in front of you, or your judgment of the situation

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Speaker 1: you're in. There's also the combined element here of perhaps

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Speaker 1: the chronic invalidation and the instability you most likely experienced

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Speaker 1: in your last relationship that has probably conditioned you to

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Speaker 1: distrust your own perceptions and experiences in these kind of

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Speaker 1: dating scenarios. There's this weird I guess hindsight bias that

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Speaker 1: occurs in these situations where we look at the past

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Speaker 1: knowing how it's turned out, and we wonder why our

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Speaker 1: past selves couldn't have foreseen this and didn't know, which

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Speaker 1: is ridiculous because they hadn't lived it yet. But this

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Speaker 1: hindsight bias causes us to begin to question whether our

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Speaker 1: judgment is broken, and therefore, as a result, it causes

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Speaker 1: us to mistrust anyone and everyone in a kind of

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Speaker 1: better safe than sorry, I guess kind of way. It's

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Speaker 1: honestly so twisted. It's so twisted that you have to

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Speaker 1: experience this and that this is kind of this is

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Speaker 1: what love feels like now, and I'm sorry, it's really

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Speaker 1: really sucky.

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Speaker 2: I remember my.

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Speaker 1: Boyfriend when we first started dating. I must have had

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Speaker 1: some I guess it must have been a work achievement.

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Speaker 2: I can't remember.

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Speaker 1: That's bad for me. But something really big had happened.

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Speaker 1: And he sent me this like big box of sunflowers

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Speaker 1: to my office. And this was when I had an

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Speaker 1: office with some of my friends, some of my best friends,

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Speaker 1: and they were all gosh, they were like, this guy

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Speaker 1: is amazing, this.

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Speaker 2: Guy is so great for you.

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Speaker 1: And I was like looking at these flowers, and I

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Speaker 1: just couldn't help but think, like, what's this guy's angle,

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Speaker 1: Like what's this sick go up to you?

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Speaker 2: Like what's he buttering me up for? Like? Look at

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Speaker 2: this love bombing going on here?

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Speaker 1: It just I feel like I was at that stage

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Speaker 1: where I hadn't been with my ex for years, and

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Speaker 1: in that moment, I had such a wave of anger

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Speaker 1: towards him, like you're going to fuck this up as

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Speaker 1: well and you're not even here, Like you have created

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Speaker 1: these reactions and these patterns now in me, and am

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Speaker 1: I going to sabotage this incredible thing because of you,

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Speaker 1: like because of the past. And there was definitely this

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Speaker 1: distance between me and Tom in the early days, and

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Speaker 1: I'm so glad he could see that for what it was,

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Speaker 1: which was not disinterest but caution. And I know a

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Speaker 1: lot of people have a similar experience. This amazing person

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Speaker 1: is in front of you and you're like, what's the catch.

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Speaker 1: I guess what I'm saying is that after toxic love,

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Speaker 1: really what it is is that having hope feels irresponsible

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Speaker 1: because you had hope before and look where it got you.

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Speaker 1: And it's not a nice feeling being that pessimistic because

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Speaker 1: you probably want that pessimistic. Before this last person, you

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Speaker 1: probably really believed in love. And if you're going through

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Speaker 1: that now, I know it can be very hard.

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Speaker 2: It can be.

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Speaker 1: Very hard to feel like either they're gaslighting you, or

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Speaker 1: you're gas slighting yourself. But I promise it does most

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Speaker 1: certainly get better. The other thing, and probably the final

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Speaker 1: thing I'll touch on here, The other thing toxic relationships

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Speaker 1: can do to you is that they literally change your

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Speaker 1: attachment style, even if you're an adult, even if you're

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Speaker 1: in your twenties or you're in your thirties or your forties.

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Speaker 1: I know a lot of us try to categorize ourselves

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Speaker 1: into three prescribed you're either anxious, you're avoidant, or you're secure.

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Speaker 1: And we box ourselves into these based on how we

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Speaker 1: learnt about relationships growing up, and we kind of assume

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Speaker 1: and we talk about our attachment style as though it's

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Speaker 1: completely fixed and unchangeable after childhood. It's formed in childhood.

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Speaker 1: It's impacted by childhood only. That's what the original theory

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Speaker 1: by Bolby and Ainsworth says. And then once you're eighteen,

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Speaker 1: you're locked in for life. If you're insecure, you're insecure

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Speaker 1: for life. If you're secure, you're secure for life. And

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Speaker 1: that's just the cards you're dealt. But your attachment style

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Speaker 1: isn't fixed. It's actually influenced by relationship experiences across your life,

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Speaker 1: across time and a toxic experience can shift your system radically,

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Speaker 1: almost overnight. You know. It's also really interesting. There's actually

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Speaker 1: I read this paper recently. There's research showing that attachment

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Speaker 1: security and your attachment style can actually fluctuate, not just

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Speaker 1: day to day, but depending on the person that you're with. Essentially,

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Speaker 1: your attachment style can be different just for one singular relationship.

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Speaker 1: Which sounds preposterous, but you could be secure in all

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Speaker 1: other relationships, in your friendships, in your previous relationships with

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Speaker 1: your parents, But with this one single person, this toxic love,

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Speaker 1: suddenly you have all these anxious traits, all these avoidant traits.

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Speaker 1: You are terrified just for them nobody else. One study

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Speaker 1: I cited actually in my book and I still cited

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Speaker 1: a lot, talks about how those early experiences of your

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Speaker 1: attachment style being shifted by one singular relationship can take

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Speaker 1: somebody who has had an overflowing amount of love in childhood,

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Speaker 1: who is deeply cared for, and just completely twist them

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Speaker 1: into someone who I don't know, acts like the survivor

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Speaker 1: of childhood trauma, especially if this was their first relationship

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Speaker 1: or their first significant relationship. Parents aren't the only one

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Speaker 1: and aren't the only blueprint for how we think love

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Speaker 1: should look. Young love Early love is also a milestone

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Speaker 1: and is also a core bonding and learning experience that can,

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Speaker 1: I guess, twist your interpretation of.

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Speaker 2: The behaviors that are normal.

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Speaker 1: In a relationship and what a relationship should make you

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Speaker 1: feel like.

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Speaker 2: Should it make you.

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Speaker 1: Feel safe and happy or should it make you feel

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Speaker 1: anxious and hostile. If you've noticed yourself becoming more anxious

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Speaker 1: and more hypervigilant after being in a relationship that was

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Speaker 1: chaotic or with somebody who was just like impossible to read,

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Speaker 1: it's likely that you know this is what's happening to you.

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Speaker 1: Your nervous system has been changed by that relationship. Your

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Speaker 1: attachment system has been changed by that relationship, and your

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Speaker 1: attachment system is doing what it has evolved to do.

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Speaker 1: It is trying to teach you how to best bond

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Speaker 1: with other people so that you don't get hurt. And

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Speaker 1: in this situation, you were hurt. That doesn't mean that

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Speaker 1: every situation is going to be like that, but this

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Speaker 1: is why your brain learns to prevent things from the

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Speaker 1: past happening again, and it makes generalizations. It makes you

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Speaker 1: believe that every other love you're going to encounter in

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Speaker 1: your life must look the same. But I think that

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Speaker 1: if our attachment style and our nervous system and all

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Speaker 1: these other bonding systems can change to become more alert

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Speaker 1: and more anxious and more avoidant, it's only right and

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Speaker 1: it only makes sense that they can also change in

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Speaker 1: the other direction, and that when the right person comes along,

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Speaker 1: or maybe not even the right person, just a really

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00:22:03,280 --> 00:22:07,840
Speaker 1: kind person comes along, that can shift us into being

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Speaker 1: more secure and feeling safer as well. Relationships can also

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00:22:13,400 --> 00:22:17,360
Speaker 1: increase a sense of security over time. There is so

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Speaker 1: much evidence out there that partners can actually co regulate

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Speaker 1: each other that healthy love, if we push through maybe

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Speaker 1: some of the feelings of boredom or feelings of fear

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Speaker 1: and anxiety over the past, healthy love can heal us

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Speaker 1: in a very unique way. And I know there's definitely

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Speaker 1: this like ongoing narrative that anything you don't heal before

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Speaker 1: a relationship will harm that relationship. But I also think

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Speaker 1: that I don't know. I just don't always believe that.

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Speaker 1: I think love is very healing, and sometimes the wounds

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Speaker 1: left by previous situations, Sometimes the wounds left by love

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00:23:01,320 --> 00:23:03,119
Speaker 1: can be treated by nothing else, not to be like

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Speaker 1: poetic about it. But you know that is the thing

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00:23:07,600 --> 00:23:11,439
Speaker 1: that we'll I don't want to say fast track you're healing,

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00:23:11,800 --> 00:23:14,160
Speaker 1: but I think that it's something that can be very

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Speaker 1: beneficial if you've gotten to the state of pessimism and

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Speaker 1: hostility towards relationships. Not to say get back out there

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Speaker 1: and get back on the horse, but sometimes the thing

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Speaker 1: that you're avoiding doing the most, and the thing that

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Speaker 1: you fear the most, and the reason you fear relationships

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Speaker 1: the most, is the reason you should get back out there.

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Speaker 1: So as not to maintain this avoidance and so as

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Speaker 1: not to further indoctrinate this narrative in yourself that the

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Speaker 1: only kind of love I'm going to experience is the

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Speaker 1: unhealthy kind, and the only kind of people out there

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Speaker 1: are the kinds that will hurt me or will hurt others.

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Speaker 1: I'm telling you that is not the case. I'm telling

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Speaker 1: you there are brilliant people yet to be discovered by

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00:23:56,320 --> 00:23:59,920
Speaker 1: you and many others. So what does that feel like?

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00:24:00,400 --> 00:24:03,040
Speaker 1: What does healthy love feel like? And how can we

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00:24:03,080 --> 00:24:06,560
Speaker 1: actually lean into that without like trying to fix ourselves

365
00:24:06,560 --> 00:24:08,920
Speaker 1: with a relationship, because that's definitely not what I'm saying.

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Speaker 1: How can we just get some exposure to healthy love

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Speaker 1: and know it when we see it. That's what we're

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00:24:15,640 --> 00:24:23,919
Speaker 1: going to be exploring after this short break. Once you

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00:24:24,000 --> 00:24:27,120
Speaker 1: understand what toxic love has trained in you, I think

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00:24:27,119 --> 00:24:30,920
Speaker 1: the next question or reminder I guess, is what does

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Speaker 1: healthy love actually feel like? And how do we practice

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Speaker 1: recognizing it and staying in it long enough for our

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Speaker 1: body to believe it and to believe that we are safe.

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Speaker 1: I know you guys hopefully know a lot of this,

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Speaker 1: so not to sound I don't want to sound patronizing.

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Speaker 1: You don't want to sound patronizing or anything like that.

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00:24:53,000 --> 00:24:55,480
Speaker 1: But just because we have to, let's do a mini

378
00:24:55,560 --> 00:24:58,640
Speaker 1: checklist of sorts around what.

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Speaker 2: Is healthy love?

380
00:25:00,280 --> 00:25:02,000
Speaker 1: Like a checklist that you could sit in front of

381
00:25:02,000 --> 00:25:04,000
Speaker 1: somebody and be like, is that what we've got going

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00:25:04,040 --> 00:25:08,040
Speaker 1: on for us here? First up, healthy love is not

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00:25:08,160 --> 00:25:12,000
Speaker 1: built on guessing. If you ever ever have to guess,

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00:25:12,440 --> 00:25:15,000
Speaker 1: does this person want to be with me? Does this

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00:25:15,080 --> 00:25:18,680
Speaker 1: person see us going in the same direction? Why haven't

386
00:25:18,720 --> 00:25:22,840
Speaker 1: they labeled it? Why don't they like me back? Text

387
00:25:22,880 --> 00:25:25,840
Speaker 1: me back? Why won't they include me in their plans?

388
00:25:25,880 --> 00:25:29,720
Speaker 1: And you don't feel like you can clarify that's not

389
00:25:29,800 --> 00:25:33,199
Speaker 1: healthy love. You guys aren't in a relationship like you do,

390
00:25:33,280 --> 00:25:37,520
Speaker 1: not have the essential ingredient. Yes, people take their time

391
00:25:37,560 --> 00:25:41,680
Speaker 1: in relationships and people move at different speeds, but that

392
00:25:41,720 --> 00:25:46,400
Speaker 1: position should be communicated, and so should their reasons. It's

393
00:25:46,480 --> 00:25:49,479
Speaker 1: literally the most cliche thing you will see in every

394
00:25:49,560 --> 00:25:55,320
Speaker 1: marriage book, every relationship book. Communication is key. It's not

395
00:25:55,320 --> 00:25:58,040
Speaker 1: that they won't commit right now. It's not that they

396
00:25:58,080 --> 00:26:01,120
Speaker 1: don't know where you, guys, are going, it's that they're

397
00:26:01,119 --> 00:26:02,360
Speaker 1: willing to talk to you about it.

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00:26:03,080 --> 00:26:04,320
Speaker 2: There is no confusion.

399
00:26:04,880 --> 00:26:07,600
Speaker 1: The other thing healthy love or the beginnings of healthy

400
00:26:07,640 --> 00:26:10,040
Speaker 1: love will often show you as well, is that this

401
00:26:10,080 --> 00:26:14,160
Speaker 1: communication we're talking about doesn't always have to end in

402
00:26:14,200 --> 00:26:19,919
Speaker 1: an argument or something that's emotionally twisted or uncomfortable. I

403
00:26:19,920 --> 00:26:24,320
Speaker 1: think that does actually become especially clear during these kinds

404
00:26:24,359 --> 00:26:28,399
Speaker 1: of early on what are we, what are we doing here?

405
00:26:28,760 --> 00:26:31,560
Speaker 1: What do you want from me? Kind of conversations. When

406
00:26:31,600 --> 00:26:35,200
Speaker 1: you have these conversations, I think a lot of the time,

407
00:26:36,400 --> 00:26:39,160
Speaker 1: toxic love may have conditioned you to expect this rupture,

408
00:26:39,560 --> 00:26:45,440
Speaker 1: this blow up, this dismissiveness, this silence lies icing you out.

409
00:26:45,600 --> 00:26:47,200
Speaker 1: You know, all these things that you've seen in the past.

410
00:26:47,200 --> 00:26:49,680
Speaker 1: You begin to expect it. So a lot of the time,

411
00:26:49,720 --> 00:26:52,800
Speaker 1: I think we go into these conversations with a new relationship,

412
00:26:52,800 --> 00:26:56,000
Speaker 1: in a new relationship with a lot of apprehension and

413
00:26:56,160 --> 00:27:01,320
Speaker 1: nerves and anxiety, and then when nothing happens, when it's

414
00:27:01,359 --> 00:27:05,840
Speaker 1: all calm and respectful, we're a bit like, huh, is

415
00:27:05,880 --> 00:27:08,720
Speaker 1: that what that's meant to feel like? Honestly, sometimes that

416
00:27:08,760 --> 00:27:10,600
Speaker 1: can feel like a trap, like, oh, we've sorted this

417
00:27:10,720 --> 00:27:13,600
Speaker 1: argument out, They've given me all the information I need

418
00:27:13,640 --> 00:27:16,200
Speaker 1: to know. Where's the rest of this? Where's the rest

419
00:27:16,200 --> 00:27:19,040
Speaker 1: of the drama? The thing about healthy love is that

420
00:27:19,200 --> 00:27:24,360
Speaker 1: sometimes when you are arguing and when you are communicating

421
00:27:24,800 --> 00:27:27,520
Speaker 1: and you're expecting the worst and the worst doesn't come,

422
00:27:28,960 --> 00:27:31,840
Speaker 1: it's weird. It doesn't give these emotions a place to

423
00:27:31,880 --> 00:27:35,840
Speaker 1: go because those emotions didn't belong in that space to

424
00:27:35,880 --> 00:27:38,679
Speaker 1: begin with. But in the aftermath, like you've come in

425
00:27:38,800 --> 00:27:42,399
Speaker 1: so hot and expecting something so terrible, sometimes it can

426
00:27:42,440 --> 00:27:45,600
Speaker 1: feel like you are unconsciously the one who is escalating

427
00:27:45,680 --> 00:27:49,000
Speaker 1: things and like suddenly you're the toxic one in the relationship,

428
00:27:49,040 --> 00:27:51,840
Speaker 1: if that makes sense, because I don't know, if there's

429
00:27:51,880 --> 00:27:58,800
Speaker 1: this whole stored up fear and anticipated anger that doesn't

430
00:27:58,840 --> 00:28:01,679
Speaker 1: have an outlet. That was my experience at least, like

431
00:28:01,720 --> 00:28:03,600
Speaker 1: I had to learn how to fight with my partner.

432
00:28:04,000 --> 00:28:06,600
Speaker 1: I felt like when I entered this relationship, I was

433
00:28:06,640 --> 00:28:09,960
Speaker 1: spreading patterns from my past relationship because that was my

434
00:28:10,000 --> 00:28:12,960
Speaker 1: operating manual. And it made me feel like, in the beginning,

435
00:28:12,960 --> 00:28:16,240
Speaker 1: at least, like am I the toxic one? Am I

436
00:28:16,560 --> 00:28:20,960
Speaker 1: now becoming the person who previously hurt me. Some people

437
00:28:20,960 --> 00:28:24,160
Speaker 1: call these survival behaviors. Some people call it emotional reactivity.

438
00:28:24,760 --> 00:28:27,879
Speaker 1: I think the best label for this is just predictive processing.

439
00:28:28,320 --> 00:28:32,800
Speaker 1: Your brain operates on a set of expectations determined by

440
00:28:33,040 --> 00:28:37,119
Speaker 1: prior experiences, and it's constantly trying to predict what's going

441
00:28:37,160 --> 00:28:41,120
Speaker 1: to happen, what's coming for me, what's this fight going

442
00:28:41,200 --> 00:28:44,120
Speaker 1: to end up like? And so it gets your body

443
00:28:44,320 --> 00:28:47,800
Speaker 1: already and all hyped up for that situation, that anticipated situation,

444
00:28:48,160 --> 00:28:52,120
Speaker 1: and then when it never comes, there's such a crash.

445
00:28:52,400 --> 00:28:56,440
Speaker 1: There's a lot to unlearn because you basically have to

446
00:28:56,480 --> 00:29:00,080
Speaker 1: stop predicting the worst case scenarios and the worst outcome,

447
00:29:00,240 --> 00:29:03,160
Speaker 1: and you have to remain open to a better scenario,

448
00:29:03,240 --> 00:29:06,800
Speaker 1: which can leave you feeling really vulnerable and really unprepared.

449
00:29:06,840 --> 00:29:10,080
Speaker 1: When you're walking into these conversations with Hope being like,

450
00:29:10,160 --> 00:29:12,080
Speaker 1: I really think I know, but what if I don't know?

451
00:29:12,120 --> 00:29:15,720
Speaker 1: And what if I should anticipate this worst case scenario.

452
00:29:15,960 --> 00:29:19,320
Speaker 1: But I think the beautiful thing about healthy love is

453
00:29:19,360 --> 00:29:21,959
Speaker 1: that you come into it maybe with fear, and then

454
00:29:22,000 --> 00:29:27,240
Speaker 1: you come down together, you emerge knowing each other more honestly.

455
00:29:27,960 --> 00:29:29,840
Speaker 1: And I really hope he doesn't mind me saying this,

456
00:29:29,960 --> 00:29:34,360
Speaker 1: but some of the moments I've just felt closest to

457
00:29:34,360 --> 00:29:37,640
Speaker 1: Tom have been in the days after a fight, because

458
00:29:37,680 --> 00:29:41,000
Speaker 1: I feel like he knows me better and I know

459
00:29:41,120 --> 00:29:45,120
Speaker 1: him better because everything was so raw, it was so honest.

460
00:29:45,680 --> 00:29:48,600
Speaker 1: I never felt that way with any of my exes.

461
00:29:49,520 --> 00:29:49,800
Speaker 2: Never.

462
00:29:50,000 --> 00:29:53,480
Speaker 1: It was just panic, panic for days. And I remember

463
00:29:53,520 --> 00:29:57,000
Speaker 1: I used to mute their messages and then unmute them

464
00:29:57,040 --> 00:29:59,280
Speaker 1: and then mute them again, and I would turn my

465
00:29:59,320 --> 00:30:01,960
Speaker 1: phone off and I would like check it again and

466
00:30:02,120 --> 00:30:04,400
Speaker 1: just just in case the messaged me. And it was

467
00:30:04,440 --> 00:30:07,600
Speaker 1: this whole toxic pattern of like, I knew that getting

468
00:30:07,680 --> 00:30:10,680
Speaker 1: into a fight and bringing things up would mean that

469
00:30:10,720 --> 00:30:13,600
Speaker 1: we wouldn't talk for days, and it would always feel

470
00:30:13,600 --> 00:30:16,560
Speaker 1: like my fault. You know, this one particular X I'm

471
00:30:16,600 --> 00:30:19,640
Speaker 1: thinking about I remember he literally forgot it was my

472
00:30:19,960 --> 00:30:24,000
Speaker 1: grandfather's funeral, and that was my fault. I remember saying,

473
00:30:24,680 --> 00:30:27,160
Speaker 1: and I've said the story so it doesn't hurt anymore.

474
00:30:27,160 --> 00:30:29,040
Speaker 1: But I remember telling him I loved him, and he

475
00:30:29,080 --> 00:30:30,920
Speaker 1: told me he was going on a date with somebody else,

476
00:30:31,240 --> 00:30:33,200
Speaker 1: and we had this big argument, and that was my fault.

477
00:30:34,120 --> 00:30:37,000
Speaker 1: I remember, like, if he had an emotional outburst, if

478
00:30:37,000 --> 00:30:41,080
Speaker 1: he said something rude, that was still my fault. How

479
00:30:41,480 --> 00:30:43,400
Speaker 1: I don't know. I always justified it back then that

480
00:30:43,480 --> 00:30:46,360
Speaker 1: it was but healthy love. On the other hand, you know,

481
00:30:46,400 --> 00:30:49,480
Speaker 1: it's just it's just very easy, and it's very quiet,

482
00:30:49,920 --> 00:30:50,680
Speaker 1: and there isn't.

483
00:30:50,520 --> 00:30:52,360
Speaker 2: This blame game.

484
00:30:53,080 --> 00:30:56,120
Speaker 1: Sometimes people describe it as feeling because of that, like

485
00:30:56,160 --> 00:31:00,640
Speaker 1: almost too calm, like something is missing, it's too and

486
00:31:00,680 --> 00:31:03,080
Speaker 1: that can bring up a lot of anxious questions about

487
00:31:03,160 --> 00:31:07,720
Speaker 1: settling and questions about compatibility, like shouldn't there be a spark,

488
00:31:07,800 --> 00:31:10,640
Speaker 1: shouldn't I feel electricity? Isn't the fighting a sign that

489
00:31:10,680 --> 00:31:13,760
Speaker 1: we like each other, that we're willing to push through together.

490
00:31:15,080 --> 00:31:17,440
Speaker 1: But I always used to question that, and I still

491
00:31:17,520 --> 00:31:19,440
Speaker 1: question that. You know, was it really a spark or

492
00:31:19,480 --> 00:31:24,320
Speaker 1: was it just anxiety masquerading as excitement. Was it really

493
00:31:24,320 --> 00:31:27,560
Speaker 1: a spark? Or like, is this just this feeling of

494
00:31:27,600 --> 00:31:31,600
Speaker 1: anticipation without resolution? Is this is this really a spark?

495
00:31:31,640 --> 00:31:33,840
Speaker 1: Or were just fighting all the time? This thing that

496
00:31:33,960 --> 00:31:38,120
Speaker 1: you think you're missing with this new person, I don't

497
00:31:38,160 --> 00:31:41,560
Speaker 1: think it's a connection, because there's obviously something that's keeping

498
00:31:41,600 --> 00:31:45,720
Speaker 1: you in this healthy relationship. I think what you're missing

499
00:31:46,000 --> 00:31:47,800
Speaker 1: when you feel this like boredom or like is this

500
00:31:47,800 --> 00:31:50,240
Speaker 1: person not the one? Because we're not arguing and there

501
00:31:50,240 --> 00:31:53,680
Speaker 1: it's not that passion. What you're missing is adrenaline. What

502
00:31:53,680 --> 00:31:56,800
Speaker 1: you're missing is hypervigilance. And I think the funny thing

503
00:31:56,800 --> 00:32:01,080
Speaker 1: about hypervigilance is that it can feel remarkable, like presence

504
00:32:01,160 --> 00:32:03,520
Speaker 1: and like you're really in tune with the other person.

505
00:32:04,200 --> 00:32:08,320
Speaker 1: Because that's what hypervigilance does. It keeps your nervous system

506
00:32:08,640 --> 00:32:12,960
Speaker 1: and your attentional systems on high alert, picking up on

507
00:32:13,080 --> 00:32:19,920
Speaker 1: everything that's not love. Though that's not love. That intensity

508
00:32:20,480 --> 00:32:24,040
Speaker 1: is not the only thing that can make a relationship survive.

509
00:32:24,960 --> 00:32:26,880
Speaker 1: Here are some things that it does need. Here's that

510
00:32:27,360 --> 00:32:30,400
Speaker 1: continuation of that list we were talking about, what does

511
00:32:30,720 --> 00:32:34,520
Speaker 1: healthy love feel like? Healthy love, amongst all those other

512
00:32:34,560 --> 00:32:38,160
Speaker 1: things we've said, is also not conditional. It is not

513
00:32:38,200 --> 00:32:41,480
Speaker 1: conditional on you being good or behaving in the right

514
00:32:41,520 --> 00:32:45,760
Speaker 1: way to receive attention, or they only treat you right

515
00:32:45,800 --> 00:32:48,520
Speaker 1: if you do what they want you to, or they

516
00:32:48,560 --> 00:32:50,960
Speaker 1: only treat you right or give you what you need if.

517
00:32:50,880 --> 00:32:52,080
Speaker 2: You don't ask for too much.

518
00:32:52,480 --> 00:32:55,080
Speaker 1: It is not conditional on some kind of behavior that

519
00:32:55,120 --> 00:32:58,280
Speaker 1: works best for them. It's also a situation where there

520
00:32:58,360 --> 00:33:01,280
Speaker 1: is a quality. One person doesn't have more of the power,

521
00:33:01,840 --> 00:33:05,360
Speaker 1: one person isn't the one calling the shots. And you

522
00:33:05,480 --> 00:33:09,360
Speaker 1: know that, you know that like each of you comes

523
00:33:09,400 --> 00:33:12,240
Speaker 1: in equal. There is not somebody in this situation who

524
00:33:12,800 --> 00:33:18,640
Speaker 1: could completely destroy the other person because they are completely unattached.

525
00:33:19,120 --> 00:33:21,160
Speaker 1: And there's not one person who is in the situation

526
00:33:21,200 --> 00:33:24,280
Speaker 1: who is willing to give everything and get nothing in return.

527
00:33:24,320 --> 00:33:24,880
Speaker 2: It's equal.

528
00:33:25,280 --> 00:33:29,080
Speaker 1: There is equal investment, there is equal time spent, there

529
00:33:29,120 --> 00:33:33,080
Speaker 1: is equal yeah, disrespect, And I also just think it's

530
00:33:33,120 --> 00:33:37,040
Speaker 1: meant to be fun. You know, healthy love isn't always easy.

531
00:33:37,880 --> 00:33:40,959
Speaker 1: It's not like you don't have these bumps. It's not

532
00:33:41,040 --> 00:33:43,120
Speaker 1: like you don't occasionally have doubts.

533
00:33:43,560 --> 00:33:44,400
Speaker 2: Even looking at.

534
00:33:44,240 --> 00:33:46,640
Speaker 1: Your parents, for example, if your parents are still together,

535
00:33:46,760 --> 00:33:49,080
Speaker 1: or your grandparents, or if you think of an example

536
00:33:49,120 --> 00:33:50,880
Speaker 1: of healthy love in your life, Like there are still

537
00:33:50,920 --> 00:33:55,600
Speaker 1: things that sometimes go wrong, but you are actually at

538
00:33:55,600 --> 00:33:57,800
Speaker 1: the end of the day enjoying yourself in that relationship

539
00:33:57,840 --> 00:34:01,040
Speaker 1: authentically and you feel like you can be here is

540
00:34:01,040 --> 00:34:05,440
Speaker 1: something a therapist friend of mine actually reminded me that

541
00:34:05,480 --> 00:34:09,000
Speaker 1: we have to be aware of though sometimes those things,

542
00:34:09,000 --> 00:34:11,879
Speaker 1: all those examples of healthy love I just gave, they

543
00:34:11,920 --> 00:34:16,560
Speaker 1: actually lose their appeal after toxic love. They don't feel

544
00:34:16,560 --> 00:34:19,800
Speaker 1: the same way. They don't have the same kind of drive.

545
00:34:19,880 --> 00:34:25,279
Speaker 1: We don't have the same drive towards them. Our I

546
00:34:25,280 --> 00:34:27,359
Speaker 1: don't want to say our desire systems, but like our

547
00:34:27,440 --> 00:34:32,839
Speaker 1: preferences after toxic love in many ways can change. And

548
00:34:32,880 --> 00:34:36,120
Speaker 1: that's you're definitely not responsible for how someone treated you,

549
00:34:36,719 --> 00:34:40,120
Speaker 1: especially when you were so ready to give them everything

550
00:34:40,280 --> 00:34:43,359
Speaker 1: and you were so invested in the relationship, Like, you're

551
00:34:43,400 --> 00:34:48,719
Speaker 1: definitely not responsible for that. But sometimes those experiences can

552
00:34:48,760 --> 00:34:53,200
Speaker 1: actually change what we find ourselves attracted to, just based

553
00:34:53,239 --> 00:34:58,319
Speaker 1: on on patterns and what feels known. Research, including a

554
00:34:58,360 --> 00:35:02,000
Speaker 1: recent paper published just last year, tells us that we

555
00:35:02,120 --> 00:35:06,920
Speaker 1: love what feels familiar, and so if what is familiar

556
00:35:07,760 --> 00:35:13,080
Speaker 1: is hot and cold behavior, if what is familiar is passionate,

557
00:35:13,400 --> 00:35:16,680
Speaker 1: all consuming chemistry, and not much else. If what is

558
00:35:16,680 --> 00:35:20,600
Speaker 1: familiar is major highs and major lows and the promise

559
00:35:20,640 --> 00:35:26,120
Speaker 1: of potential and the promise of the chase. Sometimes, guess what,

560
00:35:26,200 --> 00:35:31,520
Speaker 1: sometimes you can continuously feel drawn to that, even if

561
00:35:31,640 --> 00:35:39,239
Speaker 1: rationally you know better. It's just your brain being both

562
00:35:39,320 --> 00:35:43,880
Speaker 1: having adapted to this new kind of love and also

563
00:35:43,920 --> 00:35:48,080
Speaker 1: feeling compulsively drawn to it because of how comforting it

564
00:35:48,080 --> 00:35:51,480
Speaker 1: feels because it has the manuscript and it has the

565
00:35:51,520 --> 00:35:54,360
Speaker 1: manual for that healthy love. It doesn't have the manual

566
00:35:54,360 --> 00:35:56,759
Speaker 1: for that, or maybe it did before, but it's kind

567
00:35:56,760 --> 00:36:00,920
Speaker 1: of lost. It's that kind of feel outdated to you.

568
00:36:01,600 --> 00:36:03,440
Speaker 1: So the last thing, if the last thing you experienced

569
00:36:03,480 --> 00:36:07,000
Speaker 1: was this toxic situation, of course you're gonna feel drawn

570
00:36:07,040 --> 00:36:08,759
Speaker 1: to that because at least you know how it ends,

571
00:36:09,200 --> 00:36:12,239
Speaker 1: and at least you know how the storyline goes. I

572
00:36:12,239 --> 00:36:14,359
Speaker 1: will also say, and this is a hot take I have,

573
00:36:15,080 --> 00:36:20,319
Speaker 1: I honestly think that people who are very intelligent and

574
00:36:20,400 --> 00:36:24,200
Speaker 1: are high achievers are often more susceptible to that kind

575
00:36:24,280 --> 00:36:28,839
Speaker 1: of chase me hard to get type behavior because they

576
00:36:28,880 --> 00:36:32,879
Speaker 1: are used to feeling like if everyone else can have it,

577
00:36:32,880 --> 00:36:36,720
Speaker 1: it's not worth having and they're used to this feeling

578
00:36:36,760 --> 00:36:40,239
Speaker 1: of like, if something is really worth it, it will

579
00:36:40,239 --> 00:36:43,000
Speaker 1: make me chase it a little bit and it should

580
00:36:43,040 --> 00:36:44,719
Speaker 1: be a little bit out of reach to test me.

581
00:36:45,360 --> 00:36:48,520
Speaker 1: And so sometimes those relationships that feel very like based

582
00:36:48,520 --> 00:36:52,160
Speaker 1: on potential that ask you to work, they it feels

583
00:36:52,200 --> 00:36:54,320
Speaker 1: like they're just asking you to work a little bit harder,

584
00:36:54,760 --> 00:36:58,520
Speaker 1: and it feels like they're more desirable because you can't

585
00:36:58,520 --> 00:37:02,319
Speaker 1: get it easily. And it's like this weird I don't know,

586
00:37:02,719 --> 00:37:05,680
Speaker 1: capture or like achievement drive you have, Like why would

587
00:37:05,719 --> 00:37:08,440
Speaker 1: I want the easy thing when the hard thing? Surely

588
00:37:08,440 --> 00:37:10,360
Speaker 1: it's going to be more valuable because it's making me

589
00:37:10,400 --> 00:37:13,480
Speaker 1: work harder, like that effort is a sign of value.

590
00:37:13,640 --> 00:37:17,520
Speaker 1: This may be a hard truth to swallow, but as

591
00:37:17,640 --> 00:37:21,359
Speaker 1: much as you should be cognizant of other people's intentions

592
00:37:21,560 --> 00:37:24,239
Speaker 1: when you are encountering or dating again after toxic love,

593
00:37:24,600 --> 00:37:27,040
Speaker 1: you also have to question your own intentions as well.

594
00:37:27,600 --> 00:37:31,160
Speaker 1: Are you just replicating what you have experienced in the past,

595
00:37:31,719 --> 00:37:35,480
Speaker 1: Are you just self sabotaging here? Are you just giving

596
00:37:35,880 --> 00:37:40,200
Speaker 1: or are you not giving the right people a chance

597
00:37:40,280 --> 00:37:44,480
Speaker 1: because of past patterns and what you've learned from previous relationships.

598
00:37:44,680 --> 00:37:47,320
Speaker 1: You have to be aware of other people's behavior, definitely,

599
00:37:47,480 --> 00:37:49,880
Speaker 1: but you also have to be aware of.

600
00:37:51,440 --> 00:37:52,600
Speaker 2: How you're maybe behaving.

601
00:37:53,360 --> 00:37:54,759
Speaker 1: And I think a big part of that is just

602
00:37:55,280 --> 00:38:00,000
Speaker 1: giving yourself more time to date, slowly giving yourself time.

603
00:38:00,080 --> 00:38:04,040
Speaker 1: I'm to be honest, this person I'm falling for, do

604
00:38:04,160 --> 00:38:08,360
Speaker 1: they match the old blueprint or the new blueprint for

605
00:38:08,440 --> 00:38:11,680
Speaker 1: healthy love that I'm setting for myself? Are there behaviors

606
00:38:12,200 --> 00:38:14,759
Speaker 1: the kind that I really want in a partner or

607
00:38:14,840 --> 00:38:18,319
Speaker 1: just the kind that I'm used to after toxic love?

608
00:38:18,360 --> 00:38:21,120
Speaker 1: You know, there is this real urgency often this real

609
00:38:21,200 --> 00:38:21,919
Speaker 1: sense of like.

610
00:38:23,360 --> 00:38:24,600
Speaker 2: Pedal to the metal to like.

611
00:38:25,160 --> 00:38:27,440
Speaker 1: Lock down a relationship, or like as soon as you

612
00:38:27,480 --> 00:38:31,960
Speaker 1: meet somebody you really like to push for commitment. You know,

613
00:38:32,000 --> 00:38:34,759
Speaker 1: you feel like you want to fuse very quickly. You

614
00:38:34,840 --> 00:38:38,000
Speaker 1: feel like, you know, maybe you've been strung along in

615
00:38:38,000 --> 00:38:41,600
Speaker 1: the past, this previous relationship was really hard on you.

616
00:38:41,760 --> 00:38:44,360
Speaker 1: So anything that can give you a sense of reassurance

617
00:38:44,360 --> 00:38:47,080
Speaker 1: that this person isn't going to do that Constantly texting,

618
00:38:47,200 --> 00:38:51,640
Speaker 1: constantly sharing, becoming exclusive, immediately being really vulnerable, that can

619
00:38:51,680 --> 00:38:55,719
Speaker 1: create like this artificial connection and closeness so that you know,

620
00:38:56,719 --> 00:38:59,640
Speaker 1: unconsciously you know they won't walk away. That's a real

621
00:38:59,680 --> 00:39:04,080
Speaker 1: habit I see. Or you like find yourself kind of

622
00:39:04,320 --> 00:39:09,040
Speaker 1: playing games, or not even games, but like being very protective,

623
00:39:09,200 --> 00:39:11,200
Speaker 1: or like doing things that you know you shouldn't be

624
00:39:11,280 --> 00:39:15,480
Speaker 1: doing just because of anxious patterns. You have to be

625
00:39:15,520 --> 00:39:16,960
Speaker 1: aware of that, and you have to be able to

626
00:39:17,040 --> 00:39:21,520
Speaker 1: interrupt that before it becomes a more entrenched pattern of behavior.

627
00:39:21,840 --> 00:39:25,600
Speaker 1: Let's just try getting to know somebody across time and

628
00:39:25,840 --> 00:39:29,000
Speaker 1: very very slowly. Let's just take how you would normally

629
00:39:29,000 --> 00:39:33,600
Speaker 1: approach that relationship and dial it back a few paces

630
00:39:33,600 --> 00:39:39,239
Speaker 1: and a few kilometers just after toxic love. If you

631
00:39:39,280 --> 00:39:41,040
Speaker 1: meet the right person, if you meet a person who

632
00:39:41,080 --> 00:39:46,400
Speaker 1: you think is really great, appreciate and pursue the slow burn,

633
00:39:47,000 --> 00:39:50,279
Speaker 1: and treat it almost like you are gathering information or

634
00:39:50,280 --> 00:39:53,640
Speaker 1: that you are conducting kind of like a study in

635
00:39:53,680 --> 00:39:55,280
Speaker 1: those first couple of weeks or months.

636
00:39:56,280 --> 00:39:58,719
Speaker 2: As well as dating, I think a.

637
00:39:58,719 --> 00:40:04,400
Speaker 1: Helpful way to safeguard yourself from this like zero to

638
00:40:04,760 --> 00:40:08,640
Speaker 1: one hundred love bond in the early stages of dating

639
00:40:09,320 --> 00:40:13,600
Speaker 1: is to actually just break up time between your dates

640
00:40:14,280 --> 00:40:18,040
Speaker 1: and to just not make them the center of your

641
00:40:18,040 --> 00:40:22,680
Speaker 1: whole world. If you've been conditioned into thinking that the

642
00:40:22,719 --> 00:40:26,440
Speaker 1: only worthwhile connection is an immediate one, and is those

643
00:40:26,640 --> 00:40:32,000
Speaker 1: intense bonds where like your mind is immediately sure they're

644
00:40:32,000 --> 00:40:35,800
Speaker 1: the right person and filled with hope, and you're excited

645
00:40:35,800 --> 00:40:37,759
Speaker 1: by them, and you spend all your time with them,

646
00:40:37,800 --> 00:40:43,000
Speaker 1: and it's just like this incredible passionate fire. Try your

647
00:40:43,040 --> 00:40:47,120
Speaker 1: hardest to space out the dates, try your hardest to

648
00:40:47,280 --> 00:40:52,279
Speaker 1: just really give yourself the time to reality check. Is

649
00:40:52,360 --> 00:40:56,319
Speaker 1: that really what's happening here? Or is it just the

650
00:40:56,320 --> 00:41:00,000
Speaker 1: passion of a new beginning. Leave at least a four

651
00:41:00,520 --> 00:41:05,120
Speaker 1: between dates, and during that week, especially in the early months,

652
00:41:05,960 --> 00:41:11,080
Speaker 1: continuously ask yourself. Do I feel more like myself around them?

653
00:41:12,280 --> 00:41:14,800
Speaker 1: Do I feel like I have to change anything about myself?

654
00:41:15,680 --> 00:41:19,000
Speaker 1: Do I feel grounded? Or do they make me feel anxious?

655
00:41:19,000 --> 00:41:22,239
Speaker 1: Do they make me feel very low? And is that

656
00:41:22,560 --> 00:41:26,400
Speaker 1: them or is that me projecting? Do I feel calm

657
00:41:26,520 --> 00:41:28,560
Speaker 1: or do I feel frantic? What is it about the

658
00:41:28,600 --> 00:41:31,680
Speaker 1: relationship that is making me feel either of those things?

659
00:41:31,760 --> 00:41:35,799
Speaker 1: But especially if you're feeling frantic, work to identify. And

660
00:41:35,840 --> 00:41:37,839
Speaker 1: this is something I definitely had to do. Am I

661
00:41:37,840 --> 00:41:42,440
Speaker 1: feeling frantic just because love is scary these days? Or

662
00:41:42,480 --> 00:41:45,400
Speaker 1: am I feeling frantic because of something in their behavior

663
00:41:45,440 --> 00:41:48,920
Speaker 1: that's creating that in me. And also, and this is

664
00:41:48,960 --> 00:41:53,520
Speaker 1: a big question to ask yourself, are you actually into them?

665
00:41:53,760 --> 00:41:58,560
Speaker 1: Are you actually curious about them? Or are you just

666
00:41:58,719 --> 00:42:02,800
Speaker 1: chasing assurance? Is it just because you like the attention?

667
00:42:02,920 --> 00:42:08,520
Speaker 1: Is it just because they like you back? Give yourself time,

668
00:42:09,719 --> 00:42:15,160
Speaker 1: time to actually sit on the answers and the truth

669
00:42:15,200 --> 00:42:20,279
Speaker 1: of the relationship. Then later, you know, if things move

670
00:42:20,320 --> 00:42:24,120
Speaker 1: into a more established thing, follow the six month rule.

671
00:42:24,960 --> 00:42:28,360
Speaker 1: This is really key if you are very much prone

672
00:42:28,400 --> 00:42:31,680
Speaker 1: to merging your life with somebody and with you know,

673
00:42:32,080 --> 00:42:37,919
Speaker 1: a love interest, for six months, just put off any

674
00:42:37,920 --> 00:42:41,680
Speaker 1: big decisions, any major decisions moving in, getting a pet,

675
00:42:41,760 --> 00:42:45,920
Speaker 1: making financial commitments, crafting your future around them, even traveling.

676
00:42:46,120 --> 00:42:49,319
Speaker 1: Give it six months. At the six months mark, then

677
00:42:49,360 --> 00:42:52,200
Speaker 1: you can make a decision around where this is going.

678
00:42:52,680 --> 00:42:58,880
Speaker 1: Slow everything down, give your self space and time to assess,

679
00:42:59,360 --> 00:43:02,720
Speaker 1: Give them time to prove themselves to you. I feel

680
00:43:02,719 --> 00:43:05,120
Speaker 1: like this strategy, even if it feels unnatural at first,

681
00:43:05,800 --> 00:43:10,359
Speaker 1: I also think that it's pretty marvelous because it lets

682
00:43:10,400 --> 00:43:12,680
Speaker 1: you savor the love story a little bit more. You know,

683
00:43:12,760 --> 00:43:15,440
Speaker 1: say this person is the one, Especially if you're in

684
00:43:15,480 --> 00:43:17,319
Speaker 1: your twenties, you know, you have the rest of your

685
00:43:17,360 --> 00:43:21,280
Speaker 1: life to be with them fifty to sixty plus years.

686
00:43:21,320 --> 00:43:23,560
Speaker 1: Maybe you know you have the rest of your life

687
00:43:23,560 --> 00:43:26,160
Speaker 1: for those big, bold moments, But those first six months,

688
00:43:26,239 --> 00:43:29,120
Speaker 1: three to six months where you're just curious about each

689
00:43:29,160 --> 00:43:32,919
Speaker 1: other and you have the skiddiness and you're excited about

690
00:43:32,920 --> 00:43:35,560
Speaker 1: each other, that doesn't last forever. I just think the

691
00:43:35,640 --> 00:43:38,920
Speaker 1: slower you go, everybody wins. The more you get to

692
00:43:39,000 --> 00:43:42,239
Speaker 1: draw out that really beautiful beginning feeling, the more you

693
00:43:42,280 --> 00:43:44,640
Speaker 1: get to really know somebody, the more you get to

694
00:43:45,280 --> 00:43:48,000
Speaker 1: ease your anxiety into this new situation, the more you

695
00:43:48,000 --> 00:43:53,000
Speaker 1: get to unlearned patterns. I've never heard anybody say I

696
00:43:53,080 --> 00:43:56,360
Speaker 1: regret going slow at the beginning of my relationship.

697
00:43:57,800 --> 00:43:58,320
Speaker 2: Nobody.

698
00:43:58,400 --> 00:44:00,920
Speaker 1: I've heard a bunch of people say they regret moving

699
00:44:00,960 --> 00:44:02,839
Speaker 1: too fast. I've heard from a bunch of people who

700
00:44:02,880 --> 00:44:07,200
Speaker 1: say they regret rushing through the honeymoon stage. I haven't

701
00:44:07,239 --> 00:44:11,120
Speaker 1: heard anybody say I regret taking my time and really

702
00:44:11,880 --> 00:44:14,360
Speaker 1: knowing this person the way I would get to know

703
00:44:14,400 --> 00:44:17,879
Speaker 1: a friend, or the way I would get to know Yeah,

704
00:44:17,920 --> 00:44:19,440
Speaker 1: I think a friend is the best way to say this.

705
00:44:19,480 --> 00:44:20,840
Speaker 2: The way I would get to know a friend.

706
00:44:21,120 --> 00:44:23,520
Speaker 1: There's no rush if they're the right one, you have

707
00:44:23,600 --> 00:44:26,720
Speaker 1: plenty of time. Okay, we are going to take another

708
00:44:26,840 --> 00:44:31,359
Speaker 1: short break here, but when we return, let's talk through

709
00:44:31,400 --> 00:44:35,359
Speaker 1: some more ways to approach healthy love from a psychological perspective,

710
00:44:35,520 --> 00:44:39,040
Speaker 1: especially after toxic love, and especially in your twenties.

711
00:44:39,560 --> 00:44:45,120
Speaker 2: Stay with us.

712
00:44:46,280 --> 00:44:49,720
Speaker 1: A huge habit I found myself picking up from past

713
00:44:49,760 --> 00:44:54,520
Speaker 1: relationships was making myself smaller so it would be easier

714
00:44:55,040 --> 00:44:59,120
Speaker 1: to fit into somebody else's life, rather than seeing if

715
00:44:59,160 --> 00:45:03,799
Speaker 1: they would and could fit into mind. And that is

716
00:45:03,840 --> 00:45:07,520
Speaker 1: something that you definitely need to unlearn. Toxic love often

717
00:45:07,840 --> 00:45:12,120
Speaker 1: teaches you that again, love is conditional, and it's conditional

718
00:45:12,160 --> 00:45:15,840
Speaker 1: on you being easy for the other person and you

719
00:45:16,000 --> 00:45:20,279
Speaker 1: following their guidebook or their guidelines. I think when you

720
00:45:20,360 --> 00:45:23,480
Speaker 1: encounter healthy love after that, you now have to work

721
00:45:23,600 --> 00:45:29,680
Speaker 1: on not shrinking, brag about yourself, ask for more, make

722
00:45:29,719 --> 00:45:32,560
Speaker 1: sure they know you expect to be a priority, and

723
00:45:33,440 --> 00:45:36,160
Speaker 1: make sure they know that you like yourself and you

724
00:45:36,200 --> 00:45:38,160
Speaker 1: are cool, and you are nice, and you are fun,

725
00:45:38,920 --> 00:45:41,600
Speaker 1: and you are somebody they would be lucky to know.

726
00:45:42,320 --> 00:45:44,080
Speaker 2: You are a very big soul, You're a very big heart.

727
00:45:44,160 --> 00:45:45,920
Speaker 2: You're expecting big love.

728
00:45:46,719 --> 00:45:49,400
Speaker 1: That is a very easy way to weed out people

729
00:45:49,400 --> 00:45:53,759
Speaker 1: who won't be able to meet those deeds. Yes, as

730
00:45:53,800 --> 00:45:57,160
Speaker 1: much as we want to be slow and conscientious, that

731
00:45:57,160 --> 00:45:59,800
Speaker 1: doesn't mean you don't get to express what you really need.

732
00:46:00,520 --> 00:46:03,520
Speaker 1: And it is a great way. It's a great litmus

733
00:46:03,600 --> 00:46:07,000
Speaker 1: test for who is not going to be able to

734
00:46:07,040 --> 00:46:11,280
Speaker 1: meet the mark and kind of meet the performance metrics

735
00:46:11,320 --> 00:46:13,920
Speaker 1: to love you and to be in your life. I

736
00:46:13,960 --> 00:46:15,839
Speaker 1: want you guys to remember this and even repeat it

737
00:46:15,880 --> 00:46:19,360
Speaker 1: as an affirmation to yourself. If they are the one,

738
00:46:20,719 --> 00:46:22,920
Speaker 1: they would want as much of me as they possibly

739
00:46:22,920 --> 00:46:26,200
Speaker 1: could get. And that doesn't just include the good stuff.

740
00:46:26,760 --> 00:46:31,359
Speaker 1: It includes the emotions. It includes the depth, boundaries, the vulnerability,

741
00:46:31,440 --> 00:46:35,920
Speaker 1: the hard things, maybe even like the disagreements, all of it.

742
00:46:36,640 --> 00:46:39,680
Speaker 1: You are deserving of a love that is so full

743
00:46:39,800 --> 00:46:43,120
Speaker 1: and complete it is like bursting at the seams. And

744
00:46:43,239 --> 00:46:46,160
Speaker 1: if they cringe at that, if they can't handle it,

745
00:46:46,200 --> 00:46:48,799
Speaker 1: if they don't have room. I just don't think your

746
00:46:48,800 --> 00:46:52,359
Speaker 1: lives are aligned. And it shouldn't be anything you read

747
00:46:53,200 --> 00:46:55,880
Speaker 1: anything more into. It's nothing more and nothing less than

748
00:46:55,880 --> 00:46:59,120
Speaker 1: this is just you're incompatible. You have to continue to

749
00:46:59,160 --> 00:47:02,959
Speaker 1: believe after talk love that big things are out there,

750
00:47:03,400 --> 00:47:08,240
Speaker 1: even if it feels helpless. This also includes, I guess

751
00:47:08,280 --> 00:47:11,880
Speaker 1: knowing the importance of being direct, which is really really hard.

752
00:47:11,960 --> 00:47:17,400
Speaker 1: But dating and the love game for me had the

753
00:47:17,400 --> 00:47:20,400
Speaker 1: most dramatic shift once I learned that just saying what

754
00:47:20,480 --> 00:47:24,000
Speaker 1: I needed because I trusted myself and because I wanted

755
00:47:24,000 --> 00:47:27,840
Speaker 1: more for myself was going to get me better outcomes.

756
00:47:27,920 --> 00:47:29,879
Speaker 1: And it genuinely changed my dating life and.

757
00:47:29,800 --> 00:47:30,560
Speaker 2: My love life.

758
00:47:30,680 --> 00:47:32,640
Speaker 1: Do you know how I knew my boyfriend was the

759
00:47:32,640 --> 00:47:38,319
Speaker 1: one and last story about him, I promise It was

760
00:47:38,360 --> 00:47:41,520
Speaker 1: when we had maybe been dating for like a couple

761
00:47:41,600 --> 00:47:44,160
Speaker 1: of months, and he came over to my house and

762
00:47:45,160 --> 00:47:47,640
Speaker 1: we were drinking Apparol spritz is on my balcony and

763
00:47:47,640 --> 00:47:50,920
Speaker 1: we went to dinner, and at dinner, I was like, Okay,

764
00:47:50,960 --> 00:47:53,520
Speaker 1: I'm going to give it to you completely straight. And

765
00:47:53,560 --> 00:47:55,879
Speaker 1: I fully expected him to kind of be like, I'm out,

766
00:47:55,880 --> 00:47:58,480
Speaker 1: but I didn't really I kind of knew, right, I

767
00:47:58,520 --> 00:47:59,960
Speaker 1: was like, but I just had to say that. I was,

768
00:48:00,000 --> 00:48:01,920
Speaker 1: I'm gonna give it too straight. I'm looking for a

769
00:48:01,960 --> 00:48:04,560
Speaker 1: relationship and that doesn't mean you have to promise one

770
00:48:04,640 --> 00:48:04,799
Speaker 1: to me.

771
00:48:04,880 --> 00:48:05,120
Speaker 2: Now.

772
00:48:06,040 --> 00:48:07,719
Speaker 1: That doesn't mean that like we need to go all

773
00:48:07,760 --> 00:48:10,640
Speaker 1: in because we're taking it slow. But if that is

774
00:48:10,680 --> 00:48:14,200
Speaker 1: not your goal, just let me know now, And it

775
00:48:14,280 --> 00:48:15,960
Speaker 1: was like we'd had a lot of fun. We were

776
00:48:15,960 --> 00:48:18,120
Speaker 1: two months in. If I was going to go any further,

777
00:48:18,239 --> 00:48:20,480
Speaker 1: I just needed to be I wasn't going to like

778
00:48:20,480 --> 00:48:22,560
Speaker 1: I needed to be prepared and I needed to have

779
00:48:22,680 --> 00:48:24,960
Speaker 1: by Leeds met, and I remember his reaction was a

780
00:48:25,000 --> 00:48:26,880
Speaker 1: bit he was a bit shocked, but he was like,

781
00:48:27,640 --> 00:48:30,040
Speaker 1: all right, honestly, like I'm all in. That's we're on

782
00:48:30,080 --> 00:48:33,560
Speaker 1: the same page. And that was early days. So I

783
00:48:33,600 --> 00:48:37,040
Speaker 1: felt slightly uncomfortable, like coming to him with this demand,

784
00:48:37,080 --> 00:48:39,279
Speaker 1: being like, this is what I want. But I also

785
00:48:39,320 --> 00:48:43,600
Speaker 1: knew that directness would scare away anybody who wasn't the one,

786
00:48:43,600 --> 00:48:46,200
Speaker 1: because I'm a direct person, right, I'm somebody who really

787
00:48:46,400 --> 00:48:49,920
Speaker 1: us and likes what they want. So I wasn't going

788
00:48:50,000 --> 00:48:53,160
Speaker 1: to go through that whole terrible situation again of hoping

789
00:48:53,200 --> 00:48:55,200
Speaker 1: that he would maybe give it to me one day.

790
00:48:56,200 --> 00:49:00,160
Speaker 1: I know a lot of us think that like the

791
00:49:00,200 --> 00:49:02,560
Speaker 1: person we should end up with is would read our

792
00:49:02,600 --> 00:49:05,359
Speaker 1: minds and we should be in complete sync with them

793
00:49:05,440 --> 00:49:08,600
Speaker 1: and they should know exactly what's going on with us,

794
00:49:08,600 --> 00:49:11,480
Speaker 1: and there's this emotional link, but you know, the science

795
00:49:11,520 --> 00:49:13,600
Speaker 1: isn't there yet. I'm sorry to say they can't read

796
00:49:13,640 --> 00:49:16,880
Speaker 1: your mind. Sometimes they can't take the hint. You just

797
00:49:16,920 --> 00:49:20,200
Speaker 1: have to be very utilitarian and direct about it and

798
00:49:20,400 --> 00:49:23,560
Speaker 1: ask the answers you need, or ask the questions you

799
00:49:23,600 --> 00:49:26,800
Speaker 1: need the answer to, in order to move forward without

800
00:49:26,800 --> 00:49:31,080
Speaker 1: playing KOI and without playing games. I think my final

801
00:49:32,000 --> 00:49:36,960
Speaker 1: slightly controversial thing I will say when approaching healthy love

802
00:49:37,000 --> 00:49:41,640
Speaker 1: after toxic love is just to actually question your gut

803
00:49:41,680 --> 00:49:45,359
Speaker 1: instinct if it's telling you this person isn't the one,

804
00:49:45,360 --> 00:49:47,640
Speaker 1: and the only reason it believes that is because you

805
00:49:47,680 --> 00:49:51,879
Speaker 1: feel bored. Trust gut instincts that say I don't think

806
00:49:51,880 --> 00:49:55,360
Speaker 1: this person is a nice person. Trust gut instincts that

807
00:49:55,400 --> 00:49:58,360
Speaker 1: say I think this person is using me. But especially

808
00:49:58,360 --> 00:50:00,879
Speaker 1: after you've experienced toxic love, if there is a part

809
00:50:00,920 --> 00:50:03,239
Speaker 1: of you that's like, oh, this person's just like a

810
00:50:03,239 --> 00:50:06,600
Speaker 1: little bit too boring, or I'm settling, or like, ugh,

811
00:50:06,640 --> 00:50:08,320
Speaker 1: I don't know, I feel like I should be I

812
00:50:08,360 --> 00:50:13,120
Speaker 1: should be more like really into them, just pause, pause

813
00:50:13,160 --> 00:50:16,399
Speaker 1: for that intuition, and that intuition only. I just think

814
00:50:16,520 --> 00:50:21,360
Speaker 1: when you have become so used to again the major

815
00:50:22,040 --> 00:50:26,440
Speaker 1: psychological games and the major psychological and emotional highs and

816
00:50:26,480 --> 00:50:30,239
Speaker 1: lows of a toxic relationship. That feeling of calm can

817
00:50:30,280 --> 00:50:33,879
Speaker 1: be unsettling because not because I should say, not because

818
00:50:33,920 --> 00:50:37,239
Speaker 1: the relationship is wrong, but because your interpretation of what

819
00:50:37,360 --> 00:50:39,719
Speaker 1: it is and what is right for you has been

820
00:50:39,840 --> 00:50:43,799
Speaker 1: kind of messed with. Take a moment. If you are

821
00:50:43,840 --> 00:50:46,080
Speaker 1: feeling this right now and you're like, I can't tell

822
00:50:46,120 --> 00:50:49,120
Speaker 1: whether it's just because of past experiences or because I

823
00:50:49,160 --> 00:50:52,640
Speaker 1: am actually settling, Just write down what is actually wrong

824
00:50:52,640 --> 00:50:54,880
Speaker 1: with this relationship that is causing you to want to

825
00:50:56,200 --> 00:51:01,399
Speaker 1: leave it. What about this relationship isn't working or living

826
00:51:01,480 --> 00:51:04,560
Speaker 1: up to your expectations. And if the only answer you

827
00:51:04,600 --> 00:51:07,640
Speaker 1: can give is I just feel a little bit bored,

828
00:51:08,360 --> 00:51:11,040
Speaker 1: or this just feels a little bit like it feels

829
00:51:11,040 --> 00:51:13,840
Speaker 1: a little bit too easy, or I feel like I'm settling,

830
00:51:16,000 --> 00:51:19,200
Speaker 1: maybe just reassess and give it a little bit more time.

831
00:51:19,800 --> 00:51:21,600
Speaker 1: And I know there'll be people coming at me being like,

832
00:51:21,640 --> 00:51:25,600
Speaker 1: that's terrible advice, that's awful advice. I just feel like,

833
00:51:26,440 --> 00:51:29,120
Speaker 1: if there is nothing else wrong with this person, maybe

834
00:51:29,120 --> 00:51:31,560
Speaker 1: give them a second chance, if that's the only thing

835
00:51:31,600 --> 00:51:33,840
Speaker 1: you can think of. And yes, sometimes you'll do this

836
00:51:33,880 --> 00:51:38,000
Speaker 1: exercise and you'll realize, Okay, something is genuinely missing and

837
00:51:38,040 --> 00:51:42,640
Speaker 1: that's like actually an equally good outcome. Like I think,

838
00:51:43,040 --> 00:51:46,480
Speaker 1: whatever clarity this gives you, healthy love does still need chemistry,

839
00:51:47,000 --> 00:51:50,000
Speaker 1: and it does still need alignment. But if you have alignment,

840
00:51:50,040 --> 00:51:51,959
Speaker 1: and if you do enjoy them and it's just because

841
00:51:52,000 --> 00:51:55,400
Speaker 1: you're bored and they're otherwise a really nice person and

842
00:51:55,440 --> 00:51:58,560
Speaker 1: they're really incredible and they really make you feel great

843
00:51:58,560 --> 00:52:01,080
Speaker 1: about yourself and you're having a lot of fun.

844
00:52:02,200 --> 00:52:02,799
Speaker 2: Stick with it.

845
00:52:04,320 --> 00:52:09,560
Speaker 1: Just stick with it and see how it goes. Worse

846
00:52:09,640 --> 00:52:11,759
Speaker 1: comes to worst, you stay, You end up being with

847
00:52:11,800 --> 00:52:14,560
Speaker 1: somebody for a little bit longer who treats you really

848
00:52:14,600 --> 00:52:19,080
Speaker 1: really well and allows you to move back into a

849
00:52:19,120 --> 00:52:23,680
Speaker 1: secure pattern and a secure way of seeing love. Worst

850
00:52:23,680 --> 00:52:27,000
Speaker 1: comes to worse, you know it doesn't work out, But

851
00:52:27,280 --> 00:52:29,480
Speaker 1: at least you have this example that there is somebody

852
00:52:29,480 --> 00:52:32,799
Speaker 1: out there who was really amazing and will treat you

853
00:52:32,840 --> 00:52:35,600
Speaker 1: well and we'll give you what you need, even if

854
00:52:35,640 --> 00:52:38,960
Speaker 1: it's not. Like, even if it's not, it doesn't end

855
00:52:39,040 --> 00:52:42,200
Speaker 1: up being the one. Just those examples of love, I

856
00:52:42,239 --> 00:52:45,640
Speaker 1: think are really really brilliant. So give the easy and

857
00:52:45,719 --> 00:52:50,480
Speaker 1: safe love a second chance. If your intuition is going

858
00:52:51,560 --> 00:52:54,879
Speaker 1: wild with it, maybe question how your intuition has been

859
00:52:55,560 --> 00:52:59,080
Speaker 1: shifted by emotional chaos. I hope you enjoyed this episode.

860
00:52:59,160 --> 00:53:02,640
Speaker 1: I hope it has been in a good, honestly introduction

861
00:53:02,880 --> 00:53:06,880
Speaker 1: into what toxic love may or may not do to

862
00:53:06,960 --> 00:53:09,200
Speaker 1: us and how it changes us. There was a lot

863
00:53:09,239 --> 00:53:11,040
Speaker 1: of rambling going on, and I'm sorry, so if you

864
00:53:11,040 --> 00:53:14,399
Speaker 1: have made it this far, I do very much appreciate it,

865
00:53:14,560 --> 00:53:17,719
Speaker 1: and I hope that whatever situation you are in, you're

866
00:53:17,719 --> 00:53:20,080
Speaker 1: doing all right, and that you are feeling more and

867
00:53:20,120 --> 00:53:24,200
Speaker 1: more optimistic by the day about there being wonderful love

868
00:53:24,280 --> 00:53:27,200
Speaker 1: out there for you. Maybe it's not the one just yet,

869
00:53:27,239 --> 00:53:30,120
Speaker 1: but I hope you're feeling more optimistic that there are

870
00:53:30,280 --> 00:53:33,000
Speaker 1: just good people who will love you well, and that

871
00:53:33,080 --> 00:53:35,040
Speaker 1: you do have a lot of options, and that you

872
00:53:35,080 --> 00:53:38,640
Speaker 1: are deserving of wonderful things. Even if this past situation

873
00:53:38,840 --> 00:53:42,200
Speaker 1: has made you think that everybody's out to get your

874
00:53:42,440 --> 00:53:45,400
Speaker 1: or like everybody's out to hurt you, or all love ends.

875
00:53:45,440 --> 00:53:48,040
Speaker 1: I promise that is that's not the case. Why would

876
00:53:48,040 --> 00:53:51,719
Speaker 1: we have somebody beautiful love stories. There's always hope out there,

877
00:53:51,840 --> 00:53:54,000
Speaker 1: and I don't think it's necessarily the thing that kills

878
00:53:54,040 --> 00:53:56,759
Speaker 1: us all the time. I think it's healthy to be

879
00:53:56,840 --> 00:54:01,719
Speaker 1: optimistic about the future of romance and about finding someone

880
00:54:01,760 --> 00:54:05,120
Speaker 1: who's incredible. So again, I hope you enjoyed this episode.

881
00:54:05,239 --> 00:54:08,520
Speaker 1: If you're listening on Spotify or Apple Podcasts, make sure

882
00:54:08,640 --> 00:54:10,799
Speaker 1: you give us a five star review. If you're in

883
00:54:10,800 --> 00:54:13,920
Speaker 1: the US or Canada, you can also watch on Netflix.

884
00:54:14,040 --> 00:54:16,800
Speaker 1: So if you like video podcasts and you want to

885
00:54:16,840 --> 00:54:19,400
Speaker 1: check this one out, go and watch it that. I

886
00:54:19,400 --> 00:54:22,239
Speaker 1: feel like it brings a whole new vibe. If you've

887
00:54:22,239 --> 00:54:24,160
Speaker 1: ever wondered what I look like, and you've only ever

888
00:54:24,200 --> 00:54:27,480
Speaker 1: seen or heard my voice, there's a good opportunity for

889
00:54:27,480 --> 00:54:30,600
Speaker 1: you to go. And I don't know, it's kind of weird,

890
00:54:30,640 --> 00:54:32,440
Speaker 1: go and judge my appearance, but no, just go and

891
00:54:32,719 --> 00:54:35,920
Speaker 1: check out the studio, check out the vibes. It's very nice, calm,

892
00:54:35,960 --> 00:54:41,839
Speaker 1: peaceful set, a very nice, calm, peaceful video podcast. So yeah,

893
00:54:41,920 --> 00:54:43,600
Speaker 1: tell me what you think about it. Make sure as

894
00:54:43,640 --> 00:54:46,239
Speaker 1: well you're following us on Instagram. You can also get

895
00:54:47,320 --> 00:54:50,440
Speaker 1: transcripts of these episodes on our substack. If you are

896
00:54:50,480 --> 00:54:53,240
Speaker 1: subscribed over there, I would really recommend it. You get

897
00:54:53,520 --> 00:54:56,120
Speaker 1: cool articles in your inbox a couple times a week

898
00:54:56,480 --> 00:55:01,759
Speaker 1: for you to expand your information horizon and your knowledge Horizons.

899
00:55:02,320 --> 00:55:05,239
Speaker 1: Thank you, as always to our researcher Libby Colbert for

900
00:55:05,280 --> 00:55:09,040
Speaker 1: her help with this episode. She's incredible and she did

901
00:55:09,080 --> 00:55:13,200
Speaker 1: an amazing job researching a lot of that neurobiological and

902
00:55:13,280 --> 00:55:17,120
Speaker 1: neurochemical those neurochemical interactions we were talking about, so we

903
00:55:17,160 --> 00:55:21,080
Speaker 1: appreciate her greatly. But until next time, be safe, be kind,

904
00:55:21,239 --> 00:55:24,439
Speaker 1: be gentle with yourself. We will talk very very soon.