Speaker 1: Ron Berg and Dan talking and saything. Hello, do all
Speaker 1: my podcast listeners. My name is ron Burgundy, and I'm
Speaker 1: a very big deal. If you like common sense and
Speaker 1: you can handle the truth, then you've come to the
Speaker 1: right place. If you like fairy tales and Pally Waller,
Speaker 1: then you can hit the road. Pal you know who
Speaker 1: you are. I'm serious. If you see me out there
Speaker 1: buying a magazine or a bag of pipe cleaners, how
Speaker 1: about doing me a favor and walk the other way.
Speaker 1: We have nothing in common you and I, so don't
Speaker 1: make it uncomfortable. My listeners sign up for the truth,
Speaker 1: not Pally Waller. The rest of you. Beat it. Carolina,
Speaker 1: What do you got to say for yourself this morning? Um? Well,
Speaker 1: I wait, I'm so sorry. What does Palli Waller mean?
Speaker 1: Palli Waller? You know? Nonsense? Pally Waller? Is that like?
Speaker 1: Is that slang? I've never heard of it? You know what?
Speaker 1: Maybe maybe it's not a word. That's troubling. Where do
Speaker 1: you suppose it came from? You said it, You said
Speaker 1: it a second ago. No, no, no, I know, But
Speaker 1: but where did it come from? Why did I say it?
Speaker 1: I think we're onto something here, Carolina. Where do words
Speaker 1: come from write that down for an episode idea etymology.
Speaker 1: Yes exactly. I didn't make the word pally waller up.
Speaker 1: I just used it in a sentence. Isn't that amazing?
Speaker 1: It's a word now and has a life of its own.
Speaker 1: Pally waller. Huh, A bunch of noises coming out of
Speaker 1: my mouth. And now it's a new word ready to
Speaker 1: take on the world. If you're listening out there, I
Speaker 1: suggest using the word pally waller, meaning nonsense, three times
Speaker 1: a day. It's one of our new words in the
Speaker 1: English language. And it came to me about a minute ago. Anyway,
Speaker 1: enjoy the word pali waller, I did, pali waller. Wonderful,
Speaker 1: pali waller. I love it, Carolina, I do. But this
Speaker 1: is a news and agricultural business program, so we shouldn't
Speaker 1: doddle on new words. Has there ever been a news
Speaker 1: and agricultural business program. I'm just yeah, you know, your right,
Speaker 1: old friend, I was speaking nonsense. Yes, it sounds a
Speaker 1: little bit like pali waller. Sensational. Uh, wonderful. So who's
Speaker 1: on the program today, Carolina? You told me not to
Speaker 1: book anyone because you said you wanted to talk about
Speaker 1: large crowds. Oh, so I did large crowds. Well, let's
Speaker 1: get this out on the table quickly. It's it's come
Speaker 1: to light that I was part of an unruly mob
Speaker 1: of people that attacked our Capitol Building earlier this year.
Speaker 1: I thought for the longest time I would escape. Notice.
Speaker 1: I wasn't wearing a Viking costume after all. But photos
Speaker 1: have surfaced, and yes I was there, and double yes,
Speaker 1: I did rush into the Capitol Building that day. I'm
Speaker 1: not proud of my participation in this ugly chapter in
Speaker 1: American history, but I can't hide behind a curtain of
Speaker 1: lies the way some people do and the way I
Speaker 1: do quite often. Okay, So I would like to explain
Speaker 1: what happened though, So Caroline, I hope you can indulge me.
Speaker 1: I'm I'm just trying to digest this. So you stormed
Speaker 1: the Capitol Building January six with that ugly bunch of
Speaker 1: racists and conspiracy nuts. I did. I did, But it
Speaker 1: was totally an accident, and I'll explain um all right,
Speaker 1: I'm listening. January six, two thousand one, I was in
Speaker 1: town for the usual reasons, a visit to the Washington Monument,
Speaker 1: the Reflecting Pool, and of course my favorite, the Lincoln Memorial.
Speaker 1: It's something I've done since I was a small boy.
Speaker 1: I have always said it takes courage to be a patriot,
Speaker 1: but it also takes work, hard work. Well, there I
Speaker 1: was standing on the edge of the reflecting pool, reflecting
Speaker 1: on a life well lived. I thought about all the
Speaker 1: dogs I've owned and the goats. I thought about the
Speaker 1: different beards I've tried out. And I thought about Mary
Speaker 1: lou Retton, who was such an inspiration and just a
Speaker 1: just a dynamo of positive energy. Do you remember Mary
Speaker 1: lou Retton, Carolina? No. I reflected that day on her.
Speaker 1: I also reflected on what we as a nation had become.
Speaker 1: I was troubled from the reflecting pool. I walked over
Speaker 1: to the Lincoln Memorial, signing autographs as I strolled along
Speaker 1: the wide walkways of our nation's capital. Oh, taurusts and DC,
Speaker 1: get your autograph by the memorials. Yeah, I mean, I
Speaker 1: not a ton I think I signed for Do you
Speaker 1: offer to sign them before someone asks? Fully, I seek
Speaker 1: people out their opportunity to get my autograph viewed as
Speaker 1: like a public service. That's very generous, so, as I
Speaker 1: was saying, when I got to the memorial. I looked
Speaker 1: up at that great man sitting there in his chair,
Speaker 1: and I thought what I've always thought, We are a
Speaker 1: lot of like you and I, which is true, in
Speaker 1: a verified fact. We are both tall. I like to
Speaker 1: sit straight up, just like Lincoln whenever I sit in
Speaker 1: a chair. That's true. We both liked the ladies and
Speaker 1: fine wines and pleasure. I've been to many sex parties,
Speaker 1: which I can only imagine. The tall, handsome Lincoln must
Speaker 1: have indulged himself in many times. You can only imagine
Speaker 1: that can imagine. There's no record of it. The history
Speaker 1: books tell us that his wife, Mary Todd Lincoln was
Speaker 1: a sexless wet blanket, and Abraham liked to cat around.
Speaker 1: So yeah, whenever I lay my eyes on the memorial,
Speaker 1: I get a very very cool vibe from it. Lincoln
Speaker 1: and I are tot swan. I'm sorry toats. Yes, Totes
Speaker 1: the brand name you can trust for your rainy day protection,
Speaker 1: rain slickers, shoes and boots, and of course the world
Speaker 1: famous Tots umbrella. When it's what outside, I reached for
Speaker 1: my Totes Totes, Oh your wet weather needs. Now let's
Speaker 1: see if anyone upstairs at my heart is listening. That
Speaker 1: was a freebee I did for the toats company, and
Speaker 1: hopefully someone will go chase that bread. When you say upstairs,
Speaker 1: are you yelling upstairs? There's nobody upstairs. I was yelling
Speaker 1: in the direction of what I feel like would be upstairs. Okay,
Speaker 1: there's no boss upstairs. We're just in a studio. Anyway,
Speaker 1: where where I was, I was our story. You were
Speaker 1: explaining how you ended up storming the Capitol building by accident.
Speaker 1: We're all waiting. Sometimes I can get off on a tangent.
Speaker 1: It leads to a lot of pally water, but I
Speaker 1: find my way back again. Anyway, back to the storming
Speaker 1: of the Capital. Hey, um, Nick, what about what about
Speaker 1: an echo effect for that line? Let's try it again,
Speaker 1: the story of the Capital. That was pretty cool, as
Speaker 1: the kids say. Anyway, there I was in deep spiritual
Speaker 1: conversation with honest abe Lincoln when often the distance I
Speaker 1: could hear the din of a crowd. At first, it
Speaker 1: didn't bother me that much. Lincoln and I had a
Speaker 1: lot to discuss. The world changes at such a dizzying
Speaker 1: rate these days, Carolina. We we have women doing men's jobs.
Speaker 1: We have adults eating children's cereal. We have dogs wearing
Speaker 1: shoes in the rain, Totes dog shoes, which you can
Speaker 1: find at tote dot com. Anyway, we have a population
Speaker 1: that in less than twenty years will be a majority
Speaker 1: non white. None of this bothered me terribly, and I
Speaker 1: asked Lincoln what he thought about it. Of course, he's
Speaker 1: just a large piece of stone now, But I sweared
Speaker 1: in neptune. He started laughing. The laughter was loud and
Speaker 1: echoed off the walls of the Great Memorial Chamber. I
Speaker 1: had to cover my ears or his loud, hideous laughter
Speaker 1: would have killed me. I screamed out, why are you laughing?
Speaker 1: Why are you laughing? He was definitely laughing at me.
Speaker 1: I take great exception to people who laugh at me.
Speaker 1: Usually they get a fist to the face, and more
Speaker 1: often than not, that fist carries a ring with it. Well,
Speaker 1: I wasn't about to punch a giant stone statue of
Speaker 1: Lincoln in the face, but I did toss some eggs
Speaker 1: at the old guy, and that shut him up real fast. Sorry,
Speaker 1: I have to interrupt you. You threw eggs at the
Speaker 1: Lincoln Memorial. Guilty is charged? Have you been charged? No?
Speaker 1: I'm just using it as it and I happen to
Speaker 1: have some eggs on me. But I digress. So I'm
Speaker 1: so sorry. The statue of Lincoln in the Lincoln Memorials
Speaker 1: spoke to you, spoke to me, correct you communicate. I mean,
Speaker 1: he would speak to you if you knew how to
Speaker 1: open up your ears. But I'm not going to get
Speaker 1: into that right now. Please don't know. It's a spiritual thing,
Speaker 1: and you have no spirituality being a Swarthmore grad. No,
Speaker 1: I didn't go to Swarthmore Oberlin. No, Santa Clarita School
Speaker 1: of Dynastry. No, You're an elusive and complicated bitch. Toughs.
Speaker 1: Stop calling me a bit, right, right right? I actually
Speaker 1: wrote don't call Carolina a bitch on my hand today,
Speaker 1: but then a few hand washes later and it just
Speaker 1: says Carolina a bit. I get it now, Okay. Anyway,
Speaker 1: here's what our sixteenth present said to me. He said, run,
Speaker 1: I'm laughing because the world's always changing. It's been changing
Speaker 1: since the beginning of time. Cowards fear the change. They
Speaker 1: always have Go, he said, go today and see for yourself.
Speaker 1: Walk among them like a ghost. You'll see nothing but cowards.
Speaker 1: Listen to them, yelling that the world needs to go backwards.
Speaker 1: Go roun Burgundy, go into the crowds of people. See
Speaker 1: why I am laughing? And so I ran. I ran
Speaker 1: to where the crowd was gathering outside the capitol building. Oh, Carolina,
Speaker 1: you have to believe me. I wasn't there to take
Speaker 1: down our capitol. I'm a journalist. I needed to understand.
Speaker 1: You needed to understand. But I'm sorry. They have a
Speaker 1: video of you running through the chambers yelling like a
Speaker 1: crazy animal. I'm getting to that. Cool your jets, flapjar
Speaker 1: or cool them for you? You cool your jets? No?
Speaker 1: You whoa? Okay, yeah sorry, okay, yeah, you're right. My
Speaker 1: jets were getting a little overcooked. Okay, they're cooler now.
Speaker 1: So anyway, I ran over to the angry mob that
Speaker 1: was forming outside the capitol. I don't think they liked me.
Speaker 1: I was definitely the only man there in a three
Speaker 1: piece suit. The crowd was definitely not classy. Very few suits.
Speaker 1: In general. Any intelligent person can tell you if you're
Speaker 1: dressed an appropriate attire. I'm talking about a suit preferably
Speaker 1: three piece, hard shoes, a solid large, hefty wristwatch, good
Speaker 1: extremely tight knee high socks that cut off circulation. It's
Speaker 1: very hard to be unclassy. However, if you're dressed like
Speaker 1: a troll or a caveman, or a little boy with
Speaker 1: shorts and sneakers or a Viking, you're gonna do unclassy things.
Speaker 1: Well that's what was happening. First. There was a lot
Speaker 1: of pushing and yelling, and I heard stop the steel,
Speaker 1: which made literally no sense to me. But they were
Speaker 1: yelling at well. They were yelling stop the steel because
Speaker 1: they believe the election was stolen from Donald Trump. I
Speaker 1: didn't know that. I didn't know anything. I was in
Speaker 1: Washington to take my annual bath and democracy. These these
Speaker 1: people were yelling. That's all I knew. I'm gonna be honest.
Speaker 1: I love yelling. When people yell, I get excited. I
Speaker 1: was in a Hooters bar in North Carolina one time.
Speaker 1: Have you been to a Hooters establishment? Um? Yeah, once?
Speaker 1: But it was ironically, of course, ironically me too. Ironically, yes,
Speaker 1: I would say sarcastically right. Anyway, the waitresses at Hooters
Speaker 1: were provocative outfits that highlight their boobies, so I like
Speaker 1: going there. That's what they're famous for. You. Also, the
Speaker 1: hot Wings are superb Hooters for the best boobies and
Speaker 1: delicious wings. Head on over to Hooters. That's money we
Speaker 1: should be chasing, folks, free out for Hooters. Where was I?
Speaker 1: You were in the Hooters, North Carolina? That's right. It
Speaker 1: was a humid and heavy night. The restaurant was overcrowded
Speaker 1: with young college students and their parents. A football game
Speaker 1: was on. The cold beer and hot wings flowed like
Speaker 1: the Amazon River from deep in the jungle of that
Speaker 1: Hooters kitchen. At some point, according to a police report,
Speaker 1: the crowd became unruly. I would characterize it more like
Speaker 1: we were all having a good time. The yelling started.
Speaker 1: I joined in. I love to yell. The crowd was
Speaker 1: singing and yelling something to do with the football game,
Speaker 1: and I was yelling whatever came to my mind. I
Speaker 1: yelled boobies, and I yelled, this is my voice up here.
Speaker 1: I yelled Scotch tape, scotch tape. I'm sorry. Why would
Speaker 1: you ever need to yell scotch tape? It just popped
Speaker 1: into the old noggin. You were just having fun, just
Speaker 1: having fun. Yeah, free association exactly. It was so much fun.
Speaker 1: Plates were broken, tables fell over, and the place burned down.
Speaker 1: No one was hurt. I repeat, no one was hurt.
Speaker 1: It sounds like arson. Nope, Diane one of the waitresses
Speaker 1: at Hooters that night, who who happened to have gigantic jugs.
Speaker 1: But that's not necessarily important to the story, but it
Speaker 1: is true, so I added it for embellishment. Uh, confessed
Speaker 1: to me over coffee later that it had been the
Speaker 1: funnest height of her life. Diane and I discussed many
Speaker 1: things that night. I don't want to hear more. Her
Speaker 1: dreams of one day becoming a hairstylist to the stars,
Speaker 1: her mundane upbringing in the swamps of the Everglades. Her
Speaker 1: husband who was doing a stretch for racketeering. Okay, that's nice.
Speaker 1: We talked through the night, and then we made sweet Love,
Speaker 1: Sweet sweet, sweet love, her wonderful bosom, fully exposed in
Speaker 1: the morning light as she's straddled run. Are you listening?
Speaker 1: What huh? Storming the capital? Oh? Yes, crowds right. I
Speaker 1: drifted away there. I'm embarrassed now. I was thinking about Diane. No,
Speaker 1: we know you were. Where is she now? She's probably
Speaker 1: styling hair for the stars, and me I'm flying in
Speaker 1: my taxi, taking tips and getting stowed Harold Win. Anyway,
Speaker 1: yelling for me always leads to fun, and usually something
Speaker 1: gets broken or burned or both. So you're saying you
Speaker 1: are caught up in the noise of the crowd. You
Speaker 1: had no idea what they were yelling about, and you
Speaker 1: joined in. Oh, I like this, Let's do this. You
Speaker 1: you prosecute me. You put me on the stand, just
Speaker 1: like you're doing, and this will be good practice for
Speaker 1: me when I have to testify on my behalf. I'm
Speaker 1: sorry you're going to court over this. Of course I
Speaker 1: have to defend myself. I wasn't part of any insurrection.
Speaker 1: Here's what we'll do. You play the government prosecutor, and
Speaker 1: you're grilling me on the stand. It really go after me.
Speaker 1: I've just been given the oath, my hand on the Bible.
Speaker 1: Ultru is nothing but the blah blah blah blah blah blah.
Speaker 1: Now go. You want me to prosecute you, Holy Carolina,
Speaker 1: What did they teach you at Vassar? Yes, I want
Speaker 1: you to play a prosecutor and go right after me
Speaker 1: for insurrection and storming the capitol as I am charged.
Speaker 1: Did you storm the capitol? Put some mustard into it,
Speaker 1: will you? They had no theater classes at Cornell. It
Speaker 1: didn't go to any of these schools. Ron, Okay, play
Speaker 1: like a TV prosecutor. Okay, um okay, here goes Mr Burgundy.
Speaker 1: You say you were an innocent bystander on January six,
Speaker 1: earlier this year, when you rushed our nation's capital as
Speaker 1: part of an angry mob attempting to overthrow our government.
Speaker 1: Is that correct? Good? God, that was good Carolina. Um. Yes,
Speaker 1: I was completely innocent and was not part of the insurrection.
Speaker 1: Completely innocent, m ladies and gentlemen of the jury. I
Speaker 1: direct your attention to Exhibit B forty one and the
Speaker 1: six pictures of the defendant inside the capital. Picture number
Speaker 1: one running wildly down the hall. Picture number two coming
Speaker 1: out of the women's bathroom, holding your hands up as
Speaker 1: if to say surfs up. Picture number three smoking a
Speaker 1: cigarette in Nancy Pelosi's office. I'm sorry, how do you
Speaker 1: explain this? Mr? Burgundy? You're a good lady, very good,
Speaker 1: But a couple of brass tits and a bitchy tone
Speaker 1: aren't enough to scare me. Ladies and gentlemen of the jury.
Speaker 1: My name is Ron Burgundy. My story is as old
Speaker 1: as the hills. I was born in a small town
Speaker 1: in Iowa, way back yonder from the river. We didn't
Speaker 1: have a lot growing up. But what we did have
Speaker 1: with your honor, I object What does this man's biography
Speaker 1: have to do with his case? Objection? Over rule? Let
Speaker 1: Mr Burgundy speak? How come you're playing the judge. We
Speaker 1: didn't even talk about that. We can't have a woman judge.
Speaker 1: Don't be ridiculous. Some of the greatest judges in American
Speaker 1: history have been women, including five Supreme Court Justices. Okay, okay,
Speaker 1: whatever you get to be the judge, sustained Mr Burgundy.
Speaker 1: You will answer the question. I can explain your honor.
Speaker 1: It's simple. These photos were photoshopped on a computer. They
Speaker 1: did it with Bernie Sanders and his mittens, and now
Speaker 1: my own government is trying to frame me with fake photos.
Speaker 1: We have you on videotape running through the halls of
Speaker 1: Congress yelling the British are coming. I was hi. I
Speaker 1: was high on adrenaline and something a seven foot tall
Speaker 1: Viking gave me. I thought I was in the Revolutionary War,
Speaker 1: and I was Paul Revere, silversmith and patriot. I was
Speaker 1: acting patriotically. How's that that's your defense? Your honor. I object,
Speaker 1: the prosecution is badgering the witness. Overruled. Damn it, this
Speaker 1: is a sticky wicket. I repeat, Mr Burgundy, Can you
Speaker 1: explain to this courtroom why you stormed our nation's capital
Speaker 1: on January six and smoked a thin caprice cigarette in
Speaker 1: Nancy Pelosi's office? I can, your honor, I can, but
Speaker 1: you must indulge me. Will you indulge me just a
Speaker 1: little bit, just this once, Mr Burgundy, crowds have always
Speaker 1: inspired me from the earliest memory as a young boy
Speaker 1: growing up in Iowa. Your honor, I object, overruled. Let
Speaker 1: Mr Burgundy speak, Thank you, your honor. I'm sorry I
Speaker 1: doubted the sagacity of women judges. Women are playing an
Speaker 1: increasing role in society at large. And though it makes
Speaker 1: a lot of men very angry, men with small dingles, usually,
Speaker 1: I think it's for the better. Where was I you
Speaker 1: were a small boy in Iowa? Thank you, judge. You're
Speaker 1: much more patient than the prosecuting attorney. Would you care
Speaker 1: to have a drink? Once? I nailed this thing, and
Speaker 1: it's all over, Mr Burgundy, This is a court of law.
Speaker 1: As the poet hath said, there is no court without
Speaker 1: courtship and no law without love. I object. Shut your
Speaker 1: thin lipped mouth. The judge and I are going for
Speaker 1: cordials at Tommys Shenanigan's when this trial is over and
Speaker 1: you are not invited, please Mr Burgundy your defense of course, Judge.
Speaker 1: Since I was a kid, I've always loved a crowd,
Speaker 1: circuses and fairs, concerts and riots. I simply cannot keep
Speaker 1: away from a good crowd. I don't know why that is.
Speaker 1: I went to a headshrink one time for six years
Speaker 1: to have my being inspected, and he told me, after
Speaker 1: a lot of money went down the drain, that I
Speaker 1: had a personality to s. They're called being a great guy.
Speaker 1: So I guess you can blame it on me being
Speaker 1: a great guy. But whenever a crowd forms, I form
Speaker 1: with it. We had a horse thief come through our
Speaker 1: town when I was around five years old. A large
Speaker 1: group of children ranging from ages two to seven formed
Speaker 1: what they called a posse, but what in hindsight I
Speaker 1: would call an angry mob. Whatever it was, it looked
Speaker 1: adorable and like a lot of fun. I joined in
Speaker 1: and we chased the horse thief to an old barn
Speaker 1: on the edge of town. They're the frightened horse thief
Speaker 1: began yelling out things like I don't have a horse,
Speaker 1: and I'm your second grade school teacher. And then someone
Speaker 1: shouted out, I'm pretty sure it was me. Burn him,
Speaker 1: burned down the barn and the varmut that stole them horses.
Speaker 1: You were around five years old when you shout at this,
Speaker 1: and someone got some torches again, I think it was me,
Speaker 1: and we threw them up on the hay loft and
Speaker 1: set the whole barn ablaze. The excitement was electric. Wait,
Speaker 1: this is horrific. This is one of the worst things
Speaker 1: you've ever said. From that night forward, I knew that
Speaker 1: being in a lively crowd was for me. I rest
Speaker 1: my case. Yes, Judge, no, it's it's Carolina. Now we're
Speaker 1: gonna reality. You can't tell that story in a court
Speaker 1: of law or anywhere. This is your second time talking
Speaker 1: about Arson in this episode alone. And you and all
Speaker 1: of those two year olds and seven year olds killed
Speaker 1: a man. It sounds like and it sounds like an
Speaker 1: innocent man. He was. He was the best second grade
Speaker 1: school teacher at the elementary school in town. He was.
Speaker 1: It was all a big mix up hijinks. You see
Speaker 1: how that story might not work in your favor, though
Speaker 1: when you go to court. I never thought about it
Speaker 1: like that at any rate. Mr grabble Stone didn't die.
Speaker 1: Oh my God, Jesus Christ, that's not the first time
Speaker 1: I thought you've killed someone. Needless to say, However, when
Speaker 1: I finally got to second grade, he was He was
Speaker 1: my teacher, and he was tougher on me than any
Speaker 1: of the other children. At first, I didn't know why,
Speaker 1: but then I remembered I I had to burn him
Speaker 1: to death. So I took the daily after school meetings
Speaker 1: with an understanding that life comes with consequences, and I
Speaker 1: was living in mine. But you're right. If I tell
Speaker 1: that story, people might think I was a violent child,
Speaker 1: and so it could be implied I wish violence on
Speaker 1: our nation's capital. But that is not the case at all.
Speaker 1: I am a patriot first and foremost, and I love democracy.
Speaker 1: So your defense will basically be that you're a guy
Speaker 1: who was trying to have some fun. Precisely, you can't
Speaker 1: tell what the intentions of a crowd are right away.
Speaker 1: You You just can't, and I mean from very very
Speaker 1: very very far away, an aerial of you from the sky. Yeah, no,
Speaker 1: you were on the ground, and it's aerial view. It's
Speaker 1: not Ariola. It could been a carnival. How was I
Speaker 1: to know it was a bigoted cesspool of cargo shorts.
Speaker 1: Let me tell you I was in Argentina a couple
Speaker 1: of years ago, and I was swept up in a
Speaker 1: wonderful partying atmosphere with thousands of people in the streets,
Speaker 1: so much yelling and screaming and that jibbery jabbery language
Speaker 1: they have down there, and it was it was all
Speaker 1: Pally Waller to me. You're I think you're talking about
Speaker 1: the Spanish language. Yes, but it just sounded like Pally
Speaker 1: Waller allowed music to my years. I believe. I started
Speaker 1: yelling my own made up language with him. Pretty Soon
Speaker 1: some army guys showed up with shields and cannons and
Speaker 1: tear guests. Here's my point. That crowd was not there
Speaker 1: to have a party. They were protesting their government, and
Speaker 1: how was I to know that? So we're just going
Speaker 1: to keep going with the I was just having fun. Defense. Basically,
Speaker 1: you should get a lawyer. You could end up in
Speaker 1: jail over this Pally Waller. Do you know how many
Speaker 1: l A laws I've seen take a guess hundred. I
Speaker 1: don't know. Guess again. Uho, and come on, Carolina. They
Speaker 1: didn't make a thousand l A Laws starring Corbin Burnson.
Speaker 1: There are hundred and seventy two episodes, and I've seen
Speaker 1: every one of them. So yeah, I know my way
Speaker 1: around a courtroom. The thing about being in court is
Speaker 1: that you've got to have a great closing argument. No
Speaker 1: one will convict me of sedition or anything when they
Speaker 1: hear my closing argument. Okay, let's hear it. What wait wait,
Speaker 1: wait now, yes, no, I've I've hardly had time to
Speaker 1: compose it. I need a long weekend in my place
Speaker 1: up north. Okay, so maybe later, Well, you know, I
Speaker 1: could muster up something, you know, off the top of
Speaker 1: my head, just just wing it, as they say, much
Speaker 1: like the b S improv classes. You took it Barnard
Speaker 1: for sixty grand a year. Okay, that's fair. Okay, so
Speaker 1: here goes. I'm just gonna yeah, I want to hear
Speaker 1: I think we're all waiting off the top of my head.
Speaker 1: Ladies and gentlemen of the jury, your honor, Hello, distinguished guests,
Speaker 1: and for an dignitaries, just in case they happen to
Speaker 1: be there discovering all my bases. My name is Ron Burgundy,
Speaker 1: and I stand accused of the crimes of high treason
Speaker 1: and sedition. The prosecution would have you believe that a
Speaker 1: world class news anchor, an award winning dressage competitor, plotted
Speaker 1: deliberately against the country he loves, in an attempt, along
Speaker 1: with hundreds of other idiots, to overthrow the House of
Speaker 1: Congress on January six two one. First of all, may
Speaker 1: it pleased the court, But I have some explaining to do.
Speaker 1: Dressage is the highest expression of horse training, where horse
Speaker 1: and rider are expected to perform from memory a series
Speaker 1: of predetermined movements. It's a big deal, and I'm one
Speaker 1: of the sports biggest names. Look it up. I've jured
Speaker 1: horses and dressage tournaments all over the world. I've taken
Speaker 1: home golden cups and beautiful sashes. Do I let someone
Speaker 1: else ride my horses? No? I ride my own horses
Speaker 1: in the tournament I enter. That's how dedicated I am.
Speaker 1: My horses and I are welcome. And most of the
Speaker 1: finest arenas in the world, not Portugal. Because I was
Speaker 1: accused by my fiercest rival, Artagon del Gregory of Aasquez
Speaker 1: of cutting the tendon of his horse Thedan before a tournament.
Speaker 1: All of this will be cleared up in a different
Speaker 1: courtroom for a different day. My main point is that
Speaker 1: let's not forget I'm a man of class and I
Speaker 1: own six horses hoth Gar, Apple, Butter, mr Landau, Templeton Jones,
Speaker 1: Karen Bradstreet and Octavious Pope. So before I begin my
Speaker 1: formal closing statement, I just wanted that information out there
Speaker 1: about Drssage and how I am a big deal in
Speaker 1: the equine world. Okay, now that that's out of the way,
Speaker 1: what's next. Let's see. Oh, yeah, I was the only
Speaker 1: guy in that crowd that day wearing a tie. That
Speaker 1: should be duly noted. And I rest my case. That's
Speaker 1: your closing argument. You just told us your horse's names,
Speaker 1: and you told us what drssages, and then you just
Speaker 1: said that you wore a tie. Yeah, I mean maybe, well, no, no,
Speaker 1: I have a lot more. You know, at this point,
Speaker 1: to try it would probably pull a classic sidebar, you know,
Speaker 1: something like if it's so, may please the court, May
Speaker 1: I approach the bench and I would say something like
Speaker 1: this quietly to the judge and the prosecutor. Your honor.
Speaker 1: We all know this is bullshit. You know it, I
Speaker 1: know it, the prosecution knows it. Maybe we should just
Speaker 1: call it today and the three of us just to
Speaker 1: find the nearest watering hole. I suggest Tommy Shenanigan's, and
Speaker 1: I'll buy everyone a scotch. You have already scouted out
Speaker 1: a bar near the courthouse named Tommy Shenanigans. Is the
Speaker 1: second time you brought it up, that watering hole? Yeah, okay,
Speaker 1: you can just call it a bar. Yeah, I'm sorry,
Speaker 1: But I also don't think you can just approach the
Speaker 1: bench during your closing arguments. Is that something they taught
Speaker 1: you at us? Anyway, I'm the lawyer here. You can
Speaker 1: sidebar whenever you feel like it. Okay, But it doesn't matter,
Speaker 1: because after that persuasive argument about my involvement in the
Speaker 1: sport of grssage, I would bring it all back around
Speaker 1: with some real Mr Smith goes to Washington type stuff.
Speaker 1: Give me an example, Okay, are you prepared to cry? Sure? Well,
Speaker 1: here it comes the water works, Ladies and gentlemen of
Speaker 1: the jury. I've laid out my case. I'm a big deal.
Speaker 1: I'm important in the equine gssage world. We got to
Speaker 1: move past the dersage. And even though I didn't talk
Speaker 1: about it much, I have a large collection of painted driftwood.
Speaker 1: But I'm not here to boast about my great accomplishments. No,
Speaker 1: I'm here to talk about the United States of America.
Speaker 1: What is America? When I was a small boy growing
Speaker 1: up in the Heartland, we had an idea of America.
Speaker 1: You waved to your neighbors and to your friends at church,
Speaker 1: and it looked like a stingray bicycle making its way
Speaker 1: to the five and dime to buy a sling shot
Speaker 1: with money we had saved from our paper route. We
Speaker 1: collected string and caught frogs, and we made it home
Speaker 1: for dinner before it was too late. America was as
Speaker 1: certain as a B fifty two bomber. And when Walter
Speaker 1: Croncott came on TV and told us that's the way
Speaker 1: it is, we slept well, knowing he wouldn't lie to us. Well,
Speaker 1: something happened over the years. We lost all of this.
Speaker 1: The Cubs won a World Series, and we voted an
Speaker 1: unashamed racist and narcissist into our highest office. Oh well,
Speaker 1: looks like America is over. Not so fast. Let's take
Speaker 1: a look at what's happened Since I bought that sling
Speaker 1: shot with my paper route money, women have been appearing
Speaker 1: in the workplace and higher numbers and with more influence.
Speaker 1: I cannot believe you're saying this right now, unrepresented groups
Speaker 1: are making their way into places of power. Yes, exactly.
Speaker 1: Is it happening fast enough? Of course not. But changes
Speaker 1: on the horizon, and those that fear it will be
Speaker 1: left behind. Those that see the change as good are
Speaker 1: the Homo sapiens. They stand on two feet and see
Speaker 1: the horizon before them, filled with the possibility of hope.
Speaker 1: They are the true Americans. This is strange to be
Speaker 1: so aligned with you mentally right now. This is a
Speaker 1: strange feeling. My name is Ron Burgundy, and I am
Speaker 1: a patriot. If I was in that capital building on
Speaker 1: that fateful day, it was because I cannot control myself
Speaker 1: with loud noises. I have a condition. People were yelling
Speaker 1: and it looked like fun, so I joined. In the end,
Speaker 1: I'll leave you with this. I had a dog when
Speaker 1: I was but a boy. His name was Peter Blakovich,
Speaker 1: but I called him Pet. We were inseparable, Pet and I.
Speaker 1: We went everywhere together through the fields and woods, and
Speaker 1: swimming holes around my town. He wasn't short my best friend.
Speaker 1: One day I came home from school and Pete wasn't
Speaker 1: there to meet me at the gate like he always did,
Speaker 1: bouncing and wagging his tail. My father was on the
Speaker 1: front porch and I could see his head in his hands,
Speaker 1: and he was crying. Why are you crying, father, I asked,
Speaker 1: it's Pet, he said. A lump formed in my throat.
Speaker 1: I was almost too afraid to ask, is something the
Speaker 1: matter with Pet? No? Pet's fine, son, he said. Pet
Speaker 1: ran off with your mother and stole my money in
Speaker 1: our silverware. I'm ruined. How is this possible? I asked.
Speaker 1: My father explained Pet was a circus performer and a
Speaker 1: dog costume. He worked his way into our family, gaining
Speaker 1: our confidence as a beloved dog. As soon as the
Speaker 1: coast was clear, he took the money, the silverware, and
Speaker 1: took your mother and headed for Arizona. I don't believe it,
Speaker 1: I said. He was our dog for four years. He
Speaker 1: ate dog food and slept outside in a doghouse. It's
Speaker 1: called along con Ron, and you'll learn about it as
Speaker 1: you grow older. Well, ladies and gentlemen of the jury,
Speaker 1: the long con is alive and well, I thank you.
Speaker 1: I'm so sorry. You never told me that your mom
Speaker 1: ran away with a man dressed as a dog. Yeah,
Speaker 1: it's it's hard to talk about, Carolina. Did you ever
Speaker 1: see your mom again? Oh? Yeah, I saw her about
Speaker 1: three weeks later and for the rest of her life.
Speaker 1: So she didn't stay with the guy and the dog outfit.
Speaker 1: She had no idea there was a guy in a
Speaker 1: dog costume. She literally fell in love with Pet, a dog, yeah,
Speaker 1: and eloped with him. But when the circus performer inside
Speaker 1: the pet costume revealed himself, she was heartbroken and came home.
Speaker 1: So she didn't know it was a guy in a
Speaker 1: dog costume. She just fell in love with your family dog. Jesus, Yes, Carolina,
Speaker 1: she eloped with a dog. My mother fell in love
Speaker 1: with a dog, left her family of six children and
Speaker 1: a husband for a dog named Pet. Okay, okay, are
Speaker 1: you happy dredging up this awful episode in My Child?
Speaker 1: Are you okay? I'm so sorry for laughing. It's just
Speaker 1: so ron. Let's move on. That's enough podcast for today.
Speaker 1: Um To our listeners, the word for the day was
Speaker 1: pali waller, meaning nonsense or jelly. Foil the opinions expressed
Speaker 1: in today's podcast, or the opinions held by only the
Speaker 1: finest and best people. The Ron Burgundy Podcast is not
Speaker 1: responsible for how you live your life. But on behalf
Speaker 1: of Ron Burgundy, who's going to be okay, he's just
Speaker 1: getting it out. I will say, stay classy, America,