1 00:00:04,440 --> 00:00:09,280 Speaker 1: Hello everybody, and welcome back to the Psychology of Your Twenties, 2 00:00:09,920 --> 00:00:12,280 Speaker 1: the podcast where we talk through some of the big 3 00:00:12,520 --> 00:00:16,880 Speaker 1: life changes and transitions of our twenties and what they 4 00:00:16,960 --> 00:00:26,440 Speaker 1: mean for our psychology. Hello everybody, Welcome back to the show. 5 00:00:26,680 --> 00:00:31,360 Speaker 1: Welcome back to the podcast, new listeners, old listeners. Wherever 6 00:00:31,400 --> 00:00:34,040 Speaker 1: you are in the world, it is great to have 7 00:00:34,120 --> 00:00:38,000 Speaker 1: you here. Back for another episode. Today we are talking 8 00:00:38,080 --> 00:00:41,159 Speaker 1: about something I think all of us have struggled with 9 00:00:41,640 --> 00:00:45,320 Speaker 1: at some point in our lives, and that is why 10 00:00:45,400 --> 00:00:49,080 Speaker 1: we are so hard on ourselves. Like all the time. 11 00:00:49,200 --> 00:00:54,320 Speaker 1: It feels like this is the generation of self criticism 12 00:00:54,600 --> 00:00:58,960 Speaker 1: as humans, and I think particularly in our twenties, where 13 00:00:59,040 --> 00:01:04,640 Speaker 1: often our harshest, we tirelessly scrutinize every little decision, every action, 14 00:01:05,440 --> 00:01:07,960 Speaker 1: every outcome in our lives. Why am I such a failure? 15 00:01:08,600 --> 00:01:10,720 Speaker 1: Why did I say that? Why don't I look like them? 16 00:01:10,760 --> 00:01:14,480 Speaker 1: I must be doing something wrong? And we constantly strive 17 00:01:14,760 --> 00:01:19,760 Speaker 1: for perfection, expecting ourselves to reach these impossible standards that 18 00:01:20,280 --> 00:01:22,960 Speaker 1: we've never really held for anyone else in our lives. 19 00:01:23,600 --> 00:01:26,600 Speaker 1: But I think it's really interesting to examine why we 20 00:01:26,640 --> 00:01:30,399 Speaker 1: put ourselves through this, what kind of drives this in 21 00:01:30,440 --> 00:01:35,080 Speaker 1: a critic in this relentless pursuit of being flawless or perfect. 22 00:01:35,400 --> 00:01:38,839 Speaker 1: The other irony of self criticism that I find really 23 00:01:38,880 --> 00:01:43,240 Speaker 1: fascinating but also a bit disturbing or interesting, is that 24 00:01:43,319 --> 00:01:45,880 Speaker 1: we speak to ourselves in a way that we would 25 00:01:45,920 --> 00:01:49,440 Speaker 1: never dream of doing so to others. So why do 26 00:01:49,520 --> 00:01:53,440 Speaker 1: we find it so hard to give ourselves the same grace, 27 00:01:53,800 --> 00:01:57,280 Speaker 1: the same love, the same forgiveness that we give people 28 00:01:57,600 --> 00:02:00,880 Speaker 1: like our family, like our friends, like our partners. So 29 00:02:01,000 --> 00:02:04,440 Speaker 1: today we are going to peel back the layers of 30 00:02:04,560 --> 00:02:09,200 Speaker 1: our inner critic and examine some of the evolutionary, biological, 31 00:02:09,880 --> 00:02:13,120 Speaker 1: social roots of why we are so hard on ourselves. 32 00:02:13,840 --> 00:02:16,920 Speaker 1: A lot of the theory says that it may actually 33 00:02:16,960 --> 00:02:22,000 Speaker 1: come down to survival, whereby we are overly self critical 34 00:02:22,560 --> 00:02:25,800 Speaker 1: to avoid stepping out of line or acting against a 35 00:02:25,800 --> 00:02:30,200 Speaker 1: societal norm so that we can be accepted, or in 36 00:02:30,200 --> 00:02:34,160 Speaker 1: the case of things like self deprecating humor, we use 37 00:02:34,320 --> 00:02:39,919 Speaker 1: that to make ourselves feel and seem more agreeable, or 38 00:02:39,960 --> 00:02:43,760 Speaker 1: to mask our insecurities and protect ourselves. It all kind 39 00:02:43,800 --> 00:02:46,160 Speaker 1: of comes down to, at the end of the day, 40 00:02:46,760 --> 00:02:51,120 Speaker 1: our existence as social creatures, and further to that, of course, 41 00:02:51,320 --> 00:02:56,840 Speaker 1: our childhood the words spoken to us as children, either 42 00:02:56,880 --> 00:03:01,760 Speaker 1: by parents, by peers, by teachers, they become the words 43 00:03:01,880 --> 00:03:05,120 Speaker 1: we speak to ourselves as adults. And a lot of 44 00:03:05,160 --> 00:03:08,400 Speaker 1: that has to do with feeling like we need to 45 00:03:08,440 --> 00:03:11,080 Speaker 1: earn love, we need to earn support, to earn the 46 00:03:11,120 --> 00:03:15,680 Speaker 1: good things in our lives and be absolutely perfect or 47 00:03:15,720 --> 00:03:20,160 Speaker 1: else we're not worth that kind of treatment. So let's discuss. 48 00:03:20,320 --> 00:03:24,800 Speaker 1: We're going to talk about the origins of this nasty 49 00:03:25,120 --> 00:03:27,880 Speaker 1: in a critic, but also how we can silence that 50 00:03:27,960 --> 00:03:31,079 Speaker 1: in a voice. This episode, it's not about dwelling in 51 00:03:31,120 --> 00:03:36,000 Speaker 1: the negativity. It's about gaining awareness, embracing vulnerability, and ultimately, 52 00:03:36,040 --> 00:03:42,240 Speaker 1: I think, finding compassion for ourselves amidst all of our imperfections. 53 00:03:42,760 --> 00:03:45,920 Speaker 1: I also really want to deep dive into some pretty 54 00:03:46,040 --> 00:03:51,120 Speaker 1: I would say innovative new therapeutic practices that have come 55 00:03:51,160 --> 00:03:56,440 Speaker 1: about recently, including radical self compassion and cognitive diffusion. These 56 00:03:56,440 --> 00:04:01,400 Speaker 1: are both amazing practices and skill that can help us 57 00:04:01,480 --> 00:04:05,400 Speaker 1: kind of silence that little mean voice in our head. 58 00:04:05,880 --> 00:04:08,440 Speaker 1: I'm really keen for this episode. I hope you are too. 59 00:04:09,080 --> 00:04:12,040 Speaker 1: Also a quick reminder that if you like my content 60 00:04:12,160 --> 00:04:15,560 Speaker 1: and want to support me further, to please subscribe to 61 00:04:15,600 --> 00:04:20,080 Speaker 1: my Patreon. It is just me here writing, producing, recording, 62 00:04:20,160 --> 00:04:23,520 Speaker 1: putting out this podcast every week, and it's a lot 63 00:04:23,560 --> 00:04:26,279 Speaker 1: of work. So I do really appreciate any support that 64 00:04:26,320 --> 00:04:29,520 Speaker 1: you can throw my way. So, without further ado, let's 65 00:04:29,600 --> 00:04:33,200 Speaker 1: get into the psychology behind why we are so hard 66 00:04:33,279 --> 00:04:42,840 Speaker 1: on ourselves. I think I've recently become quite cognizant of 67 00:04:42,880 --> 00:04:46,320 Speaker 1: the fact that, for the longest time, maybe the majority 68 00:04:46,320 --> 00:04:50,160 Speaker 1: of my life, I have always been my own worst critic, 69 00:04:50,400 --> 00:04:54,840 Speaker 1: the loudest voice in my head, constantly drowning out all 70 00:04:54,839 --> 00:04:58,240 Speaker 1: the positive things in my life with negative predictions and 71 00:04:58,360 --> 00:05:01,400 Speaker 1: self doubt, kind of p owning that spotlight in on 72 00:05:01,480 --> 00:05:05,040 Speaker 1: everything that I'm doing wrong and ignoring all the good things. 73 00:05:05,120 --> 00:05:07,880 Speaker 1: That even got to the point where I was becoming 74 00:05:08,200 --> 00:05:11,920 Speaker 1: self critical about how much I was self critical. I 75 00:05:11,960 --> 00:05:15,080 Speaker 1: would have these thoughts about how I was so stupid 76 00:05:15,160 --> 00:05:17,680 Speaker 1: or I'd messed up, and then an even louder voice 77 00:05:17,880 --> 00:05:21,440 Speaker 1: would jump in and scold me for being like that, 78 00:05:21,520 --> 00:05:26,520 Speaker 1: and neither of these voices was particularly kind or helpful. 79 00:05:27,160 --> 00:05:31,680 Speaker 1: So I've also become really fascinated with the why. As 80 00:05:31,720 --> 00:05:35,960 Speaker 1: someone who is obviously really interested in psychology, it can 81 00:05:36,000 --> 00:05:38,480 Speaker 1: be really hard to not seek an explanation for these 82 00:05:38,600 --> 00:05:42,440 Speaker 1: kinds of behaviors and know that there is possibly a 83 00:05:42,600 --> 00:05:48,080 Speaker 1: very logical, scientific, robust underpinning or kind of cause. I 84 00:05:48,120 --> 00:05:52,000 Speaker 1: think it also minimizes I think some of the shame 85 00:05:52,120 --> 00:05:56,760 Speaker 1: and the personal blame that often accompanies self criticism. And 86 00:05:57,279 --> 00:06:02,040 Speaker 1: in this instance, there are so many explanations that explain 87 00:06:02,200 --> 00:06:05,400 Speaker 1: why we are so hard on ourselves. So self criticism. 88 00:06:05,400 --> 00:06:11,560 Speaker 1: It's this tendency to evaluate ourselves extremely harshly and to 89 00:06:11,680 --> 00:06:17,960 Speaker 1: scrutinize our actions, our performance, our behavior, our body, our relationship, 90 00:06:18,640 --> 00:06:24,080 Speaker 1: almost every aspects of our lives. It's distinct from self 91 00:06:24,160 --> 00:06:28,440 Speaker 1: awareness and the occasional self policing in that it's a 92 00:06:29,360 --> 00:06:34,280 Speaker 1: very automatic self criticism, self blame. It often feels like 93 00:06:34,520 --> 00:06:38,839 Speaker 1: it's beyond our control and our default. In any situation, 94 00:06:39,000 --> 00:06:44,360 Speaker 1: our default mental pattern is to actively blame ourselves and 95 00:06:44,520 --> 00:06:49,640 Speaker 1: find our faults, rather than see a situation objectively. B 96 00:06:50,000 --> 00:06:56,800 Speaker 1: it's excessively negative and maladaptive. It goes against our best interests, 97 00:06:56,839 --> 00:07:01,760 Speaker 1: and it actually undermines some of that helpful productive behavior 98 00:07:01,960 --> 00:07:07,640 Speaker 1: and coping mechanisms because this voice is so unnecessarily cruel. 99 00:07:08,480 --> 00:07:12,120 Speaker 1: See is that we believe it unlike I think the 100 00:07:12,200 --> 00:07:16,440 Speaker 1: occasional bad thought about others that we can dismiss or 101 00:07:16,440 --> 00:07:20,240 Speaker 1: call ourselves out for when we are hard on ourselves. 102 00:07:20,800 --> 00:07:25,080 Speaker 1: The only person who can validate that belief is us, 103 00:07:25,560 --> 00:07:28,520 Speaker 1: and so we tend to believe these negative thoughts. We 104 00:07:28,600 --> 00:07:31,840 Speaker 1: tend to really take them on board because the voice, 105 00:07:31,880 --> 00:07:34,600 Speaker 1: the opinion that is with us the most in our 106 00:07:34,640 --> 00:07:36,520 Speaker 1: lives is our own, so it's the one that we 107 00:07:36,600 --> 00:07:41,680 Speaker 1: trust the most as well, and finally, d it negatively 108 00:07:42,400 --> 00:07:47,880 Speaker 1: impacts our lives. We may find ourselves skipping social events 109 00:07:47,960 --> 00:07:51,760 Speaker 1: or going out, not putting ourselves out there dating people 110 00:07:51,760 --> 00:07:56,080 Speaker 1: who treat us poorly, or ruminating on our failures to 111 00:07:56,120 --> 00:07:59,040 Speaker 1: a point where we can't move on, and we do 112 00:07:59,120 --> 00:08:02,280 Speaker 1: become stuck in that moment and stuck in that thought spiral. 113 00:08:03,160 --> 00:08:06,120 Speaker 1: All of these things, I think, really detract from the 114 00:08:06,200 --> 00:08:09,560 Speaker 1: now but also from our reality, and they make it 115 00:08:09,600 --> 00:08:13,000 Speaker 1: incredibly hard to be gentle and to have a kind 116 00:08:13,160 --> 00:08:17,200 Speaker 1: mind and a really soft internal space for us to thrive. 117 00:08:17,680 --> 00:08:21,560 Speaker 1: All of this stems from what we call in pop psychology, 118 00:08:22,000 --> 00:08:27,240 Speaker 1: the inner critic, this sub personality, this almost separate, unconscious 119 00:08:27,440 --> 00:08:32,440 Speaker 1: entity that judges and demeans us. The inner critic is 120 00:08:32,600 --> 00:08:34,920 Speaker 1: the voice in our head telling us that we are 121 00:08:34,920 --> 00:08:39,000 Speaker 1: worthless or shaming us. And it's been theorized that it's 122 00:08:39,040 --> 00:08:44,280 Speaker 1: actually a manifestation of our ego, more specifically what Freud 123 00:08:44,360 --> 00:08:49,120 Speaker 1: called our super ego. So this super ego is something 124 00:08:49,120 --> 00:08:52,520 Speaker 1: that we all kind of develop in early childhood, and 125 00:08:52,559 --> 00:08:56,160 Speaker 1: it's that part of us that internalizes all the things 126 00:08:56,200 --> 00:08:59,760 Speaker 1: that society wants us to do, all the lessons from 127 00:08:59,760 --> 00:09:05,160 Speaker 1: our parents or the scolding, and it automatically censors our behavior. 128 00:09:05,800 --> 00:09:09,679 Speaker 1: It's this kind of unconscious mechanism for regulating our actions, 129 00:09:10,320 --> 00:09:13,440 Speaker 1: and that's basically where the inner critic comes from. It's 130 00:09:13,640 --> 00:09:17,559 Speaker 1: natural to have this impulse control right to have our 131 00:09:17,600 --> 00:09:22,880 Speaker 1: ego override some of those extreme impulses. Otherwise our society 132 00:09:22,920 --> 00:09:26,240 Speaker 1: would kind of fall into anarchy. But when that inner 133 00:09:26,240 --> 00:09:32,160 Speaker 1: critic is given too much control, instead of moderating certain behaviors, 134 00:09:32,200 --> 00:09:36,320 Speaker 1: it absolutely paralyzes us. And I think one of the 135 00:09:36,400 --> 00:09:40,600 Speaker 1: major ironies of self criticism is that whilst we are 136 00:09:40,640 --> 00:09:46,720 Speaker 1: constantly putting ourselves down and very carefully self monitoring every 137 00:09:46,760 --> 00:09:52,000 Speaker 1: little behavior for some perceived fault, we rarely level that 138 00:09:52,200 --> 00:09:57,200 Speaker 1: same amount or severity of criticism against others. We have 139 00:09:57,559 --> 00:10:02,920 Speaker 1: no problem celebrating our friends, accepting their failures, overlooking small things, 140 00:10:03,480 --> 00:10:06,880 Speaker 1: hyping them up, but we cannot treat ourselves in the 141 00:10:06,960 --> 00:10:14,160 Speaker 1: same way. There's actually a very rational scientific explanation behind 142 00:10:14,480 --> 00:10:18,679 Speaker 1: why this may be. Some researchers have proposed that we 143 00:10:18,720 --> 00:10:23,040 Speaker 1: actually use different areas of our brain for judging others 144 00:10:23,200 --> 00:10:27,640 Speaker 1: and judging ourselves, because we are more attuned to our 145 00:10:27,640 --> 00:10:31,199 Speaker 1: own behavior for survival a lot less than the behavior 146 00:10:31,280 --> 00:10:34,959 Speaker 1: of others. In one study conducted in the US, they 147 00:10:35,000 --> 00:10:37,840 Speaker 1: actually examined this, and what they did was they got 148 00:10:38,000 --> 00:10:43,040 Speaker 1: participants to respond to a series of situations either from 149 00:10:43,080 --> 00:10:47,320 Speaker 1: a place of self criticism or self reassurance. For example, 150 00:10:48,120 --> 00:10:50,720 Speaker 1: they may have been told that they just received a 151 00:10:50,760 --> 00:10:53,920 Speaker 1: rejection letter for a job, and they were instructed to 152 00:10:54,000 --> 00:10:59,840 Speaker 1: either speak kindly to themselves or to self criticize. Whilst 153 00:11:00,120 --> 00:11:02,160 Speaker 1: they were doing this, they had them hooked up to 154 00:11:02,360 --> 00:11:07,880 Speaker 1: an fMRI machine. This basically examines where blood is kind 155 00:11:07,920 --> 00:11:11,400 Speaker 1: of flowing in the brain, and the logic is that 156 00:11:11,920 --> 00:11:15,079 Speaker 1: when an area of the brain is active, it needs 157 00:11:15,160 --> 00:11:19,040 Speaker 1: more blood, So therefore we can link the current behavior 158 00:11:19,160 --> 00:11:23,360 Speaker 1: with the specific cortex or region, and the results reveals 159 00:11:23,760 --> 00:11:29,559 Speaker 1: this very significant association between self criticism and the prefrontal 160 00:11:29,760 --> 00:11:33,600 Speaker 1: cortext the part of our brain that is involved in 161 00:11:34,120 --> 00:11:38,640 Speaker 1: regulating our thoughts and our emotions, but also in error 162 00:11:38,679 --> 00:11:44,839 Speaker 1: detection and resolution, as well as behavioral response inhibition, preventing 163 00:11:44,920 --> 00:11:48,800 Speaker 1: us from doing things that are life threatening or maybe embarrassing. 164 00:11:49,360 --> 00:11:53,320 Speaker 1: And what this essentially concluded is that self criticism, as 165 00:11:53,320 --> 00:11:58,000 Speaker 1: demeaning and awful as it is, may actually have an 166 00:11:58,080 --> 00:12:02,640 Speaker 1: evolutionary role in keeping us from things like dangerous, repetitive 167 00:12:02,679 --> 00:12:06,720 Speaker 1: behaviors and possibly life threatening errors. However, when it gets 168 00:12:06,840 --> 00:12:12,040 Speaker 1: out of control, the opposite is also true. That's just 169 00:12:12,120 --> 00:12:17,080 Speaker 1: one kind of biological possibility amongst many. The other one 170 00:12:17,120 --> 00:12:21,720 Speaker 1: has to do with temperament and personality. The leading theory 171 00:12:22,160 --> 00:12:25,760 Speaker 1: around why we are so hard on ourselves is that 172 00:12:25,800 --> 00:12:30,000 Speaker 1: self criticism is a negative personality trait that we all 173 00:12:30,240 --> 00:12:34,760 Speaker 1: innately possess. But this trait exists on a spectrum or 174 00:12:34,760 --> 00:12:38,080 Speaker 1: a continuum, and those of us who possess this very 175 00:12:38,320 --> 00:12:42,960 Speaker 1: loud inner critic a measuring higher on self criticism as 176 00:12:43,080 --> 00:12:46,160 Speaker 1: a personality trait. Some of that comes from our temperament, 177 00:12:46,280 --> 00:12:50,320 Speaker 1: maybe our DNA, you know, the mystery of where personality 178 00:12:50,360 --> 00:12:52,800 Speaker 1: comes from. It's still a bit of a black box 179 00:12:52,880 --> 00:12:57,600 Speaker 1: in psychology, but we do know that personality traits like 180 00:12:57,640 --> 00:13:01,480 Speaker 1: self criticism are a combination of nature, that being our 181 00:13:01,559 --> 00:13:06,040 Speaker 1: genetics and nurture, how we were raised, and that really 182 00:13:06,120 --> 00:13:08,880 Speaker 1: leads into what I think is one of the biggest 183 00:13:09,400 --> 00:13:13,600 Speaker 1: determining factors and reasons why some of us are so 184 00:13:14,600 --> 00:13:21,760 Speaker 1: deeply self critical adverse childhood experiences and childhood upbringing. We 185 00:13:21,880 --> 00:13:26,400 Speaker 1: know so much more now about the kind of environment, 186 00:13:26,520 --> 00:13:30,839 Speaker 1: that kind of reassurance and love that children need to grow, 187 00:13:31,400 --> 00:13:36,679 Speaker 1: especially compared to a few generations ago. Studies have continuously 188 00:13:36,720 --> 00:13:41,400 Speaker 1: shown across so many different areas that persistent parental criticism 189 00:13:41,960 --> 00:13:46,680 Speaker 1: being constantly put down, even childhood bullying, instills what we 190 00:13:46,679 --> 00:13:50,920 Speaker 1: would call a negative self image and feelings of inherent 191 00:13:50,960 --> 00:13:55,440 Speaker 1: inadequacy that continue into childhood. I think it used to 192 00:13:55,480 --> 00:14:00,240 Speaker 1: be a very common belief that excessive criticism may a 193 00:14:00,360 --> 00:14:04,400 Speaker 1: child stronger, and we know now that it doesn't. It 194 00:14:04,520 --> 00:14:06,800 Speaker 1: just doesn't. And the reason some of us are so 195 00:14:06,920 --> 00:14:11,600 Speaker 1: hard on ourselves likely originates from those early relationships with 196 00:14:11,720 --> 00:14:16,240 Speaker 1: caregivers and also with peers. So as children, we really 197 00:14:16,360 --> 00:14:21,000 Speaker 1: internalize the words spoken to us, the language used against us, 198 00:14:21,440 --> 00:14:25,720 Speaker 1: the treatment, and how we incorporate those things as truth 199 00:14:25,920 --> 00:14:30,400 Speaker 1: because we've never been told any differently. Our only source 200 00:14:30,520 --> 00:14:34,440 Speaker 1: of self esteem is those around us. And when we're 201 00:14:34,480 --> 00:14:37,120 Speaker 1: told that we're just not that smart, that we're ugly, 202 00:14:37,200 --> 00:14:42,160 Speaker 1: that we're embarrassing, that we're worthless, these things become part 203 00:14:42,160 --> 00:14:44,800 Speaker 1: of our belief system and part of our self concept. 204 00:14:45,360 --> 00:14:49,160 Speaker 1: Those early years are just so formative because it's during 205 00:14:49,160 --> 00:14:53,120 Speaker 1: that time that our brains are laying those important neural pathways. 206 00:14:53,640 --> 00:14:57,160 Speaker 1: They're understanding our relationship to others, and we really need 207 00:14:57,200 --> 00:15:00,640 Speaker 1: the validation of our caregivers. We need a loving environment 208 00:15:01,160 --> 00:15:05,280 Speaker 1: to feel good about ourselves, or when we don't receive that, 209 00:15:05,320 --> 00:15:09,600 Speaker 1: the consequences are lifelong. And it's not just this kind 210 00:15:09,680 --> 00:15:14,000 Speaker 1: of emotional neglect or verbal scolding that's influential when we 211 00:15:14,080 --> 00:15:18,520 Speaker 1: face really high expectations from our family, you know, the 212 00:15:18,600 --> 00:15:21,560 Speaker 1: need for perfect grades, to do a few sports, play 213 00:15:21,600 --> 00:15:25,160 Speaker 1: a couple of musical instruments, to be excellent at all 214 00:15:25,240 --> 00:15:29,760 Speaker 1: of them. Our standards for ourselves are incredibly out of 215 00:15:29,760 --> 00:15:33,920 Speaker 1: proportion to what we're sustainably able to accomplish. But yet 216 00:15:33,920 --> 00:15:37,320 Speaker 1: our sense of self has been hijacked for this need 217 00:15:37,400 --> 00:15:40,760 Speaker 1: for approval and to be perfect and we begin to 218 00:15:40,840 --> 00:15:46,840 Speaker 1: internalize these expectations and self police through excessive criticism. It's 219 00:15:46,880 --> 00:15:51,960 Speaker 1: also influenced by how our parents or caregivers treat praise 220 00:15:52,280 --> 00:15:57,440 Speaker 1: and love. In psychology, there is this important distinction between 221 00:15:57,960 --> 00:16:04,440 Speaker 1: conditional and unconditional positive regard. So conditional positive regard means 222 00:16:04,520 --> 00:16:09,240 Speaker 1: only giving someone love, giving them support, praise, warmth when 223 00:16:09,280 --> 00:16:13,240 Speaker 1: they meet certain expectations or a set of conditions. Love 224 00:16:13,360 --> 00:16:16,960 Speaker 1: is conditional on our ability to meet some standard. It's 225 00:16:17,040 --> 00:16:21,640 Speaker 1: not freely given. In contrast, we have unconditional positive regard, 226 00:16:22,160 --> 00:16:27,000 Speaker 1: and that means loving someone supporting them regardless of whether 227 00:16:27,040 --> 00:16:32,000 Speaker 1: they meet our expectations. We can see why conditional positive 228 00:16:32,000 --> 00:16:36,920 Speaker 1: regard might be especially harmful as a child, and also 229 00:16:36,960 --> 00:16:40,640 Speaker 1: contribute to that self criticism later in adulthood. If you 230 00:16:40,800 --> 00:16:44,000 Speaker 1: learn that love and warmth and support, all of which 231 00:16:44,040 --> 00:16:48,240 Speaker 1: are basic human needs, were something to be earned, we 232 00:16:48,320 --> 00:16:53,480 Speaker 1: become exceptionally good at blaming ourselves when we fail and 233 00:16:53,520 --> 00:16:58,080 Speaker 1: we're found on deserving. This kind of attitude teaches us 234 00:16:58,080 --> 00:17:01,440 Speaker 1: that it is our actions caused us to be neglected, 235 00:17:02,000 --> 00:17:06,040 Speaker 1: our actions that caused love and praise to be withheld. 236 00:17:06,720 --> 00:17:09,439 Speaker 1: Something about us is wrong, something about us is bad 237 00:17:09,880 --> 00:17:13,119 Speaker 1: and we carry that with us for a long long time. 238 00:17:13,640 --> 00:17:16,760 Speaker 1: Like I always say, the words spoken to us in 239 00:17:16,880 --> 00:17:20,719 Speaker 1: childhood become the words we speak to ourselves in adulthood. 240 00:17:21,160 --> 00:17:23,879 Speaker 1: And I found that over and over again to be true, 241 00:17:24,320 --> 00:17:28,040 Speaker 1: especially when we dive further into the psychology behind negative 242 00:17:28,240 --> 00:17:32,160 Speaker 1: self talk that in a critic we were speaking of before, 243 00:17:32,840 --> 00:17:36,040 Speaker 1: that voice can often sound a lot like the voice 244 00:17:36,040 --> 00:17:39,600 Speaker 1: of our parents, or a judgmental friend, a bad ex 245 00:17:39,680 --> 00:17:43,520 Speaker 1: partner who put us down. Sometimes we don't realize how 246 00:17:43,600 --> 00:17:47,080 Speaker 1: much we take on that apparent feedback of others, and 247 00:17:47,119 --> 00:17:49,719 Speaker 1: they don't even need to be there or be saying 248 00:17:49,760 --> 00:17:52,479 Speaker 1: those things for you to still think about them, for 249 00:17:52,520 --> 00:17:56,399 Speaker 1: you to still believe them. I remember back in like 250 00:17:56,760 --> 00:17:58,600 Speaker 1: I don't know, a couple of years ago, I was 251 00:17:58,600 --> 00:18:01,720 Speaker 1: stating this guy right when I started this podcast. I 252 00:18:01,720 --> 00:18:06,320 Speaker 1: think I was like six months into recording, and he 253 00:18:06,400 --> 00:18:08,480 Speaker 1: said to me one day, he was like, your podcast 254 00:18:08,520 --> 00:18:11,000 Speaker 1: is so generic, I don't think anyone is ever going 255 00:18:11,040 --> 00:18:14,919 Speaker 1: to relate to it. And his voice runs through my 256 00:18:15,000 --> 00:18:18,480 Speaker 1: head almost every time I publish an episode, every time 257 00:18:18,520 --> 00:18:20,920 Speaker 1: I do something different, every time I take a risk, 258 00:18:21,440 --> 00:18:23,919 Speaker 1: no one's ever going to listen, No one's going to relate. 259 00:18:24,480 --> 00:18:28,440 Speaker 1: But it's not his voice anymore, right, it's my voice now, 260 00:18:28,800 --> 00:18:31,159 Speaker 1: because even though you know I tried to shake it 261 00:18:31,160 --> 00:18:34,720 Speaker 1: off at the time, I loved that person. I unfortunately 262 00:18:34,760 --> 00:18:39,040 Speaker 1: trusted his opinion, and some part of me truly did 263 00:18:39,119 --> 00:18:42,840 Speaker 1: believe him and took that so deeply and so to heart. 264 00:18:43,440 --> 00:18:45,440 Speaker 1: And I think it was in the aftermath of that 265 00:18:45,560 --> 00:18:51,720 Speaker 1: situation that I became particularly negative towards myself and quite 266 00:18:51,720 --> 00:18:55,720 Speaker 1: self deprecating. Self deprecation is an element of this that 267 00:18:55,760 --> 00:18:59,360 Speaker 1: I think is really important to discuss because it has 268 00:18:59,480 --> 00:19:03,199 Speaker 1: so many many nuanced, hidden links to self criticism that 269 00:19:03,280 --> 00:19:06,800 Speaker 1: are rarely spoken about. I think a lot of us 270 00:19:07,080 --> 00:19:10,960 Speaker 1: like to use self deprecating jokes and humor at our expense, 271 00:19:11,680 --> 00:19:14,000 Speaker 1: and we think it's funny, right, it keeps us humble, 272 00:19:14,400 --> 00:19:17,359 Speaker 1: and it might seem fairly harmless to call ourself stupid 273 00:19:17,359 --> 00:19:21,120 Speaker 1: in front of our friends, to kind of downgrade our achievements. 274 00:19:21,640 --> 00:19:25,840 Speaker 1: But really that's actually just out in a critic masking 275 00:19:26,240 --> 00:19:29,280 Speaker 1: as being humorous or being humble. At the end of 276 00:19:29,320 --> 00:19:32,600 Speaker 1: the day, it's still a negative self evaluation, even if 277 00:19:32,600 --> 00:19:37,520 Speaker 1: you're joking. There's another explanation proposed by researchers that we 278 00:19:37,600 --> 00:19:42,080 Speaker 1: adopt self deprecation in an attempt to appear more modest 279 00:19:42,640 --> 00:19:45,800 Speaker 1: and seem really agreeable. But I also find that we 280 00:19:46,000 --> 00:19:49,560 Speaker 1: use this kind of language, these kinds of jokes, to 281 00:19:49,800 --> 00:19:53,680 Speaker 1: protect our self esteem and our ego. If I already 282 00:19:53,680 --> 00:19:56,840 Speaker 1: think that about myself, no one can use it against me. 283 00:19:57,359 --> 00:20:00,600 Speaker 1: If I tear myself down first in a social situation, 284 00:20:01,280 --> 00:20:03,480 Speaker 1: no one else can do it for me. It's an armor. 285 00:20:04,080 --> 00:20:08,920 Speaker 1: It's a protective coping mechanism against the judgment of others. 286 00:20:09,560 --> 00:20:11,760 Speaker 1: Sometimes I think we can even use it in some 287 00:20:11,800 --> 00:20:15,199 Speaker 1: ways as a form of motivation, if you naturally have 288 00:20:15,280 --> 00:20:19,920 Speaker 1: a negative self perception, telling yourself you're awful, that you're 289 00:20:19,960 --> 00:20:22,840 Speaker 1: going to fail. For some people, I think it can 290 00:20:22,920 --> 00:20:26,639 Speaker 1: compel them to perform, to do better, to be better. 291 00:20:27,400 --> 00:20:31,360 Speaker 1: That's not a particularly sustainable way of motivating ourselves, though, 292 00:20:31,400 --> 00:20:36,200 Speaker 1: because when we fail, we just reinforce that belief system, 293 00:20:36,800 --> 00:20:40,560 Speaker 1: and when we succeed, it's a fluke. That voice isn't 294 00:20:40,720 --> 00:20:44,240 Speaker 1: going anywhere. That's the cycle, right. It's like drinking more 295 00:20:44,280 --> 00:20:49,280 Speaker 1: alcohol and expecting it to help you become sober. Using 296 00:20:49,320 --> 00:20:53,640 Speaker 1: self criticism to push yourself or to eliminate your negative 297 00:20:53,680 --> 00:20:57,879 Speaker 1: self appraisal is not going to make you love yourself anymore. 298 00:20:58,760 --> 00:21:02,520 Speaker 1: I want to discuss too few other reasons why we 299 00:21:02,560 --> 00:21:06,200 Speaker 1: are so hard on ourselves after this break, as well 300 00:21:06,240 --> 00:21:08,080 Speaker 1: as some of the best ways to kind of break 301 00:21:08,119 --> 00:21:11,320 Speaker 1: out of this habit, to liberate us from that really 302 00:21:11,400 --> 00:21:14,600 Speaker 1: nasty inner voice telling us will never be good enough, 303 00:21:14,640 --> 00:21:17,800 Speaker 1: will never succeed. So all of that and more in 304 00:21:18,160 --> 00:21:27,280 Speaker 1: just a second. There are two final psychological explanations that 305 00:21:27,320 --> 00:21:31,879 Speaker 1: I want to discuss super briefly. The first is overthinking 306 00:21:31,960 --> 00:21:35,600 Speaker 1: and overanalyzing, and the second is the power of social 307 00:21:35,680 --> 00:21:40,359 Speaker 1: comparison as a fuel for our inner critic. If you 308 00:21:40,520 --> 00:21:44,359 Speaker 1: listened to my episode on overthinking, it's an absolute favorite 309 00:21:44,359 --> 00:21:48,879 Speaker 1: of mine, you'll know that it's sometimes possible to almost 310 00:21:48,960 --> 00:21:52,600 Speaker 1: be too self aware, and one of the consequences of 311 00:21:52,640 --> 00:21:56,560 Speaker 1: that is being way too hard on ourselves, especially in 312 00:21:56,600 --> 00:22:01,199 Speaker 1: relation to how we think others perceive us. Our brain 313 00:22:01,640 --> 00:22:06,800 Speaker 1: tricks us into thinking that overthinking a scenario, examining every 314 00:22:06,840 --> 00:22:10,399 Speaker 1: possible way we've messed up or done something wrong, will 315 00:22:10,440 --> 00:22:13,199 Speaker 1: prepare us for the future. It will allow us to 316 00:22:13,800 --> 00:22:17,760 Speaker 1: prepare for the judgment of others. It links to this 317 00:22:17,880 --> 00:22:23,800 Speaker 1: fear of uncertainty firstly, but also our innate, evolutionary fear 318 00:22:23,960 --> 00:22:28,200 Speaker 1: of the opinions of others. And I think that's really crucial. 319 00:22:28,840 --> 00:22:33,800 Speaker 1: Other's opinions, they are important. Let's not discredit that entirely. Historically, 320 00:22:34,400 --> 00:22:37,439 Speaker 1: we needed the approval of others to remain in the 321 00:22:37,480 --> 00:22:41,440 Speaker 1: in group, to be accepted and therefore protected by the herd. 322 00:22:42,200 --> 00:22:45,760 Speaker 1: And it's been proposed that our tendency for negative self 323 00:22:45,800 --> 00:22:50,080 Speaker 1: talk evolved from this instinct. This fascinating article, I'll leave 324 00:22:50,119 --> 00:22:54,160 Speaker 1: it in the description. It sums it up perfectly. Negative 325 00:22:54,200 --> 00:22:58,640 Speaker 1: self talk has served an evolutionary purpose. It comes from 326 00:22:58,920 --> 00:23:02,359 Speaker 1: this evolutiontionary brain circuit in our brain. It's called the 327 00:23:02,440 --> 00:23:07,080 Speaker 1: default mode network, and it helped people survive by aligning 328 00:23:07,200 --> 00:23:11,119 Speaker 1: their interests with the group norms. We needed to follow 329 00:23:11,160 --> 00:23:13,760 Speaker 1: the standards of the group. We need to constantly monitor 330 00:23:13,800 --> 00:23:16,400 Speaker 1: our behavior so that if we step out of line, 331 00:23:16,560 --> 00:23:20,720 Speaker 1: we can correct ourselves before we're ostracized. That is why 332 00:23:20,760 --> 00:23:24,400 Speaker 1: the default mode is self directed and critical. It's trying 333 00:23:24,440 --> 00:23:29,160 Speaker 1: to keep you alive. There's also that element of social comparison. 334 00:23:29,280 --> 00:23:35,440 Speaker 1: How in a critic loves, absolutely loves using others as 335 00:23:35,640 --> 00:23:39,240 Speaker 1: fuel for our own insecurities. How do I know that 336 00:23:39,280 --> 00:23:42,560 Speaker 1: I'm a terrible person. Well, look at her. She's obviously 337 00:23:42,560 --> 00:23:45,600 Speaker 1: incredible and kind, and since I'm not like her, I 338 00:23:45,680 --> 00:23:47,960 Speaker 1: must be awful. How do I know I'm a failure? 339 00:23:48,000 --> 00:23:50,960 Speaker 1: Well look at all of that they've achieved. Look at them. 340 00:23:51,240 --> 00:23:54,800 Speaker 1: How do I know that I'm unattractive? Well, she is beautiful. 341 00:23:54,920 --> 00:23:58,080 Speaker 1: I don't look like her, so I must be unattractive. 342 00:23:58,119 --> 00:24:01,000 Speaker 1: I must be ugly. I think that the important thing 343 00:24:01,080 --> 00:24:04,880 Speaker 1: is to realize that the existence of someone else's value 344 00:24:05,480 --> 00:24:09,960 Speaker 1: and success is not evidence of our inadequacy. Those two 345 00:24:10,000 --> 00:24:14,840 Speaker 1: things are completely separate. Our value and their value are 346 00:24:14,960 --> 00:24:18,879 Speaker 1: not mutually exclusive. No one is living the same way. 347 00:24:19,000 --> 00:24:22,000 Speaker 1: And beyond that, I think an important thing to remember 348 00:24:22,119 --> 00:24:25,640 Speaker 1: is that no one is looking at you as closely 349 00:24:25,760 --> 00:24:30,240 Speaker 1: or judging you as closely as you are judging yourself. 350 00:24:30,880 --> 00:24:34,639 Speaker 1: Our inner critic benefits from us feeling like we're at 351 00:24:34,640 --> 00:24:37,680 Speaker 1: the center of the universe, because that just adds weight 352 00:24:37,720 --> 00:24:41,560 Speaker 1: to how important our actions and behaviors are, and therefore 353 00:24:41,600 --> 00:24:44,919 Speaker 1: how perfect they need to be. That's not true. No 354 00:24:45,000 --> 00:24:47,640 Speaker 1: one is looking at you. I promise we are all 355 00:24:48,520 --> 00:24:52,080 Speaker 1: just as self obsessed as the next person. And there's 356 00:24:52,119 --> 00:24:55,760 Speaker 1: this thought experiment I always like to do when I 357 00:24:55,880 --> 00:25:00,000 Speaker 1: start to really worry and overthink about the opinions of others, 358 00:25:00,840 --> 00:25:04,520 Speaker 1: and that is, when was the last time you noticed 359 00:25:04,560 --> 00:25:08,040 Speaker 1: a mistake someone else made? When was the last time 360 00:25:08,119 --> 00:25:10,919 Speaker 1: that you cringed at someone else? And what was that 361 00:25:10,960 --> 00:25:14,880 Speaker 1: person's name, what were they wearing? What does that say 362 00:25:14,920 --> 00:25:18,920 Speaker 1: about them? And how often do you actually think about 363 00:25:18,960 --> 00:25:23,960 Speaker 1: it genuinely? How often? Because if you're thinking about someone 364 00:25:23,960 --> 00:25:28,840 Speaker 1: else's mistakes a lot, that's really not their problem. That's 365 00:25:28,840 --> 00:25:31,320 Speaker 1: a you problem. And the saying goes for other people 366 00:25:31,800 --> 00:25:35,760 Speaker 1: who are spending their hours judging you, that is not 367 00:25:35,880 --> 00:25:41,760 Speaker 1: your problem. And exacerbating or heightening those opinions in your 368 00:25:41,840 --> 00:25:47,399 Speaker 1: mind is only going to increase your susceptibility. And I 369 00:25:47,440 --> 00:25:50,280 Speaker 1: guess the frequency by which you're hard on yourself? So 370 00:25:50,359 --> 00:25:53,280 Speaker 1: how do we stop doing this? How do we rain 371 00:25:53,520 --> 00:25:58,720 Speaker 1: in that pesky inner voice that can feel especially hard? 372 00:25:58,720 --> 00:26:00,639 Speaker 1: I want to give credit to people who are like, 373 00:26:01,119 --> 00:26:03,639 Speaker 1: I don't know if I can do that, because you know, 374 00:26:03,680 --> 00:26:07,320 Speaker 1: when we understand the childhood roots and the roots in 375 00:26:07,400 --> 00:26:12,160 Speaker 1: so many historical events, childhood bullying, things that we cannot change, 376 00:26:12,880 --> 00:26:15,919 Speaker 1: it's really hard to feel like we have agency or 377 00:26:16,000 --> 00:26:19,879 Speaker 1: control over this thought pattern. But I do believe that 378 00:26:19,920 --> 00:26:25,000 Speaker 1: we can change our negative self perception. Those are our thoughts. 379 00:26:25,320 --> 00:26:28,960 Speaker 1: We should feel empowered and able to control them. Additionally, 380 00:26:29,000 --> 00:26:33,680 Speaker 1: I think when we think good things about ourselves, it 381 00:26:33,800 --> 00:26:37,800 Speaker 1: kind of makes us this like amazing person. Like I 382 00:26:37,800 --> 00:26:39,760 Speaker 1: don't know if there is a theory behind this, Like 383 00:26:39,800 --> 00:26:42,359 Speaker 1: I haven't really looked into it, so take it with 384 00:26:42,400 --> 00:26:45,600 Speaker 1: a grain of selt. But I think anecdotally, I've found 385 00:26:45,680 --> 00:26:49,040 Speaker 1: that when I think better things about myself, I think 386 00:26:49,080 --> 00:26:52,000 Speaker 1: better things about others. I just kind of have this 387 00:26:52,200 --> 00:26:54,720 Speaker 1: like this glow, this energy to me that I find 388 00:26:55,200 --> 00:26:58,160 Speaker 1: really attractive and that I would hope others do as well. 389 00:26:58,160 --> 00:27:00,919 Speaker 1: Because you already see yourself in a better light, you 390 00:27:00,960 --> 00:27:04,000 Speaker 1: feel more respect for yourself, and you demand that respect 391 00:27:04,080 --> 00:27:06,919 Speaker 1: from others. So I do think it's really critical that 392 00:27:07,000 --> 00:27:11,600 Speaker 1: we step through exactly how we can stop judging ourselves, 393 00:27:11,680 --> 00:27:15,240 Speaker 1: being mean to ourselves, and putting ourselves down. I think 394 00:27:15,280 --> 00:27:19,399 Speaker 1: our initial instinct when we initially recognize ourselves in a 395 00:27:19,440 --> 00:27:24,840 Speaker 1: negative thought spiral is to ironically be more self critical, 396 00:27:24,960 --> 00:27:29,800 Speaker 1: to shame ourselves. Criticizing our self. Criticism comes from that 397 00:27:30,280 --> 00:27:33,600 Speaker 1: misguided belief that you have to do something in response 398 00:27:33,640 --> 00:27:36,920 Speaker 1: to it, and since we've formed a habit around judgment. 399 00:27:37,400 --> 00:27:41,000 Speaker 1: Our knee joke reaction to counteract the self criticism is 400 00:27:41,040 --> 00:27:44,119 Speaker 1: to just amp it up, to just add more fuel 401 00:27:44,160 --> 00:27:46,639 Speaker 1: to the fire. I think you can either treat your 402 00:27:46,640 --> 00:27:49,200 Speaker 1: inner critic as an enemy. You can treat them as 403 00:27:49,240 --> 00:27:53,160 Speaker 1: an ally or as neither. As just a thing. It's 404 00:27:53,200 --> 00:27:57,000 Speaker 1: just something that exists, and I think that taking away 405 00:27:57,040 --> 00:28:01,080 Speaker 1: its power by detaching it from our identity, we regain 406 00:28:01,160 --> 00:28:04,560 Speaker 1: the most control. So you need to create kind of 407 00:28:04,560 --> 00:28:10,000 Speaker 1: a psychological distance from your self criticism by personifying it. 408 00:28:10,720 --> 00:28:13,720 Speaker 1: Give it a name, give it at give it a feature, 409 00:28:13,760 --> 00:28:16,240 Speaker 1: give it a face. Maybe call it the little devil. 410 00:28:16,280 --> 00:28:18,920 Speaker 1: It could be anything. Just give it a name, treat 411 00:28:18,960 --> 00:28:21,600 Speaker 1: it like it's neither an enemy or a friend. It's 412 00:28:21,720 --> 00:28:25,040 Speaker 1: just this little creature that exists in your mind who 413 00:28:25,080 --> 00:28:28,720 Speaker 1: wanders from room to room. You know, occasionally it pops up, 414 00:28:28,760 --> 00:28:31,719 Speaker 1: but you know what's around, and it's not scary, and 415 00:28:31,760 --> 00:28:34,760 Speaker 1: you can acknowledge it and say, hi, be like high 416 00:28:34,800 --> 00:28:37,880 Speaker 1: little creature, high little devil, whatever you want to call it, 417 00:28:38,400 --> 00:28:40,680 Speaker 1: and then ignore it. It's just like a little critter 418 00:28:40,840 --> 00:28:43,760 Speaker 1: that lives in your house. This article in the Harvard 419 00:28:43,760 --> 00:28:46,080 Speaker 1: Business Review, which is one of my go to places 420 00:28:46,800 --> 00:28:49,920 Speaker 1: for finding some of these studies. An amazing resource if 421 00:28:49,960 --> 00:28:52,760 Speaker 1: you are a psychology student, I will say, but it 422 00:28:52,840 --> 00:28:58,280 Speaker 1: explains why this personification is so powerful when we name 423 00:28:58,320 --> 00:29:03,320 Speaker 1: out inner critic. This leverages a concept called cognitive diffusion, 424 00:29:03,880 --> 00:29:07,400 Speaker 1: and it's a process by which we separate ourselves and 425 00:29:07,440 --> 00:29:11,880 Speaker 1: our identity from our thoughts. So diffusion is shown to 426 00:29:12,160 --> 00:29:18,120 Speaker 1: reduce discomfort, It reduces stress, reduces particularly stress around negative thoughts, 427 00:29:18,920 --> 00:29:24,040 Speaker 1: and it also promotes psychological flexibility, or the capacity to 428 00:29:24,120 --> 00:29:27,680 Speaker 1: be aware and open and to adapt to your changing 429 00:29:27,680 --> 00:29:31,720 Speaker 1: emotional circumstances. You know, it's not your thoughts, do not 430 00:29:31,920 --> 00:29:34,960 Speaker 1: own you. That's what cognitive diffusion says. Your thoughts are 431 00:29:35,000 --> 00:29:39,320 Speaker 1: just a thought. There's also this incredible theory in psychology 432 00:29:39,440 --> 00:29:44,640 Speaker 1: called radical self compassion. I could talk about this idea 433 00:29:45,240 --> 00:29:48,560 Speaker 1: for hours. It's possibly my new favorite theory, and it 434 00:29:48,640 --> 00:29:52,640 Speaker 1: initially arose as just radical compassion, and it was used 435 00:29:52,640 --> 00:29:57,320 Speaker 1: to describe a specific type of empathy towards other people 436 00:29:57,960 --> 00:30:02,080 Speaker 1: that this philosopher can lamp it. He suggested that loving 437 00:30:02,120 --> 00:30:06,480 Speaker 1: others unconditionally kind of has a healing element to it. 438 00:30:06,960 --> 00:30:10,120 Speaker 1: When we love others deeply, we can heal them, we 439 00:30:10,200 --> 00:30:13,600 Speaker 1: can alleviate what they're going through. And when we direct 440 00:30:13,680 --> 00:30:18,080 Speaker 1: that compassion and love towards ourselves, we can heal ourselves 441 00:30:18,160 --> 00:30:21,360 Speaker 1: and stop being so hard on ourselves. We do this 442 00:30:21,480 --> 00:30:25,680 Speaker 1: by emulating the kind of love we would typically receive 443 00:30:25,760 --> 00:30:30,080 Speaker 1: from others and giving that love to ourselves, redirecting it. 444 00:30:30,600 --> 00:30:33,400 Speaker 1: We don't need to earn it our self. Compassion is 445 00:30:33,520 --> 00:30:37,640 Speaker 1: radical and freely given. Think about it in terms of 446 00:30:37,680 --> 00:30:40,280 Speaker 1: the five love languages to kind of structure our thinking. 447 00:30:40,400 --> 00:30:44,959 Speaker 1: So those are words of affirmation, quality, time, receiving gifts, 448 00:30:45,000 --> 00:30:49,000 Speaker 1: acts of service, and physical touch. You need to adapt 449 00:30:49,080 --> 00:30:53,200 Speaker 1: and adopt those love languages and direct them towards yourself. 450 00:30:53,840 --> 00:30:58,240 Speaker 1: Speak kind words. Say two things to yourself every day 451 00:30:58,280 --> 00:31:01,280 Speaker 1: that are positive. Tell your self that you are proud 452 00:31:01,360 --> 00:31:04,239 Speaker 1: of how far you've come. Tell others that you are 453 00:31:04,280 --> 00:31:06,680 Speaker 1: proud of yourself, as you would say that you are 454 00:31:06,720 --> 00:31:09,880 Speaker 1: proud of your friends or your family members. I would 455 00:31:09,920 --> 00:31:13,800 Speaker 1: also say make time to spend with your thoughts. My 456 00:31:14,000 --> 00:31:17,320 Speaker 1: favorite activity is solo dates, and one of my friends, 457 00:31:17,400 --> 00:31:21,560 Speaker 1: Claud who was on the show, recently shared this amazing 458 00:31:21,640 --> 00:31:24,960 Speaker 1: practice that they have where once a month they go 459 00:31:25,080 --> 00:31:28,000 Speaker 1: to a different Italian restaurant in Sydney and get a 460 00:31:28,000 --> 00:31:31,400 Speaker 1: glass of wine a pasta, and they journal about how 461 00:31:31,440 --> 00:31:34,320 Speaker 1: they're feeling and where they see the next month going. 462 00:31:34,960 --> 00:31:38,120 Speaker 1: That is self love, That is self compassion, and it 463 00:31:38,640 --> 00:31:43,440 Speaker 1: counteracts that negative self image. You know. That's adapt those 464 00:31:43,520 --> 00:31:46,240 Speaker 1: further by yourself a little trait every now and again, 465 00:31:46,760 --> 00:31:49,800 Speaker 1: not because you've worked hard for it, not because you've 466 00:31:49,800 --> 00:31:54,200 Speaker 1: been quote unquote good, but because you deserve to have 467 00:31:54,320 --> 00:31:57,800 Speaker 1: nice things. You deserve to feel happy. Make your bed 468 00:31:57,840 --> 00:32:00,320 Speaker 1: in the morning, clean your room in the evening because 469 00:32:00,360 --> 00:32:03,120 Speaker 1: you know that your future self will thank you the 470 00:32:03,160 --> 00:32:05,840 Speaker 1: same way that you would want others to do upon you, 471 00:32:05,960 --> 00:32:09,240 Speaker 1: with acts of service you can do upon to yourself. 472 00:32:09,880 --> 00:32:16,160 Speaker 1: And finally, give yourself physical touch. This sounds really strange 473 00:32:16,200 --> 00:32:19,600 Speaker 1: sometimes when I explain it to people, but touch actually 474 00:32:19,680 --> 00:32:23,680 Speaker 1: activates our parasympathetic nervous system. That is what helps us 475 00:32:23,760 --> 00:32:27,120 Speaker 1: exit flight or flight mode, and it helps us feel 476 00:32:27,160 --> 00:32:31,320 Speaker 1: safe and calm. And we can physically self sooth and 477 00:32:31,440 --> 00:32:36,040 Speaker 1: create that same reaction by doing things like placing one 478 00:32:36,080 --> 00:32:38,160 Speaker 1: hand over our heart and the other hand over our 479 00:32:38,200 --> 00:32:41,400 Speaker 1: shoulder and just giving a tight squeeze or caressing our 480 00:32:41,440 --> 00:32:45,280 Speaker 1: own face. That is radical self compassion. It's saying you 481 00:32:45,280 --> 00:32:47,960 Speaker 1: don't need to earn the love that you give yourself. 482 00:32:48,000 --> 00:32:50,680 Speaker 1: It is freely given, it is yours. If you don't 483 00:32:50,720 --> 00:32:53,360 Speaker 1: see how this relates to minimizing your inner critic I 484 00:32:53,400 --> 00:32:57,160 Speaker 1: want to explain a little bit further. We know that 485 00:32:57,520 --> 00:33:01,200 Speaker 1: one of the root causes of being hard on ourselves 486 00:33:02,000 --> 00:33:05,440 Speaker 1: is feeling like you are undeserving of love or empathy, 487 00:33:06,080 --> 00:33:10,920 Speaker 1: or seeking validation from others because you're of childhood deprivation, 488 00:33:11,480 --> 00:33:15,760 Speaker 1: or an intense pressure to prove yourself, or bullying. But 489 00:33:15,880 --> 00:33:20,560 Speaker 1: when you institute radical self compassion, you give yourself the 490 00:33:20,600 --> 00:33:24,040 Speaker 1: permission that maybe others haven't given you to feel good, 491 00:33:24,240 --> 00:33:27,800 Speaker 1: to celebrate yourself, to be loved. And before we ask 492 00:33:27,880 --> 00:33:30,600 Speaker 1: others to do that for us, we need to find 493 00:33:30,640 --> 00:33:35,120 Speaker 1: a way to reach that conclusion and deliver that feeling 494 00:33:35,200 --> 00:33:38,640 Speaker 1: on an individual level. And there have been so many 495 00:33:38,680 --> 00:33:44,120 Speaker 1: experiments that have shown self compassion reduces the negative effects 496 00:33:44,160 --> 00:33:48,200 Speaker 1: of shame and self criticism, and it's even created its 497 00:33:48,280 --> 00:33:52,960 Speaker 1: own type of therapeutic practice called compassion focused therapy. So 498 00:33:53,000 --> 00:33:55,480 Speaker 1: there you go. Look into that as well. I find 499 00:33:55,520 --> 00:33:59,600 Speaker 1: that is so fascinating. Some other strategies are to do 500 00:33:59,640 --> 00:34:04,680 Speaker 1: a bit of a mental and social detox. Sometimes it's 501 00:34:04,720 --> 00:34:07,880 Speaker 1: the things in our environment that are causing us to 502 00:34:07,920 --> 00:34:14,960 Speaker 1: be excessively negative, maybe a particularly strained toxic friendship or 503 00:34:14,960 --> 00:34:18,560 Speaker 1: a bad habit that is bringing forward a lot of guilt. 504 00:34:18,800 --> 00:34:21,080 Speaker 1: So do a bit of a stock of your life. 505 00:34:21,400 --> 00:34:25,280 Speaker 1: What feels good, what doesn't, What is creating a negative 506 00:34:25,280 --> 00:34:28,080 Speaker 1: thought spiral? And is it possible to eliminate this from 507 00:34:28,160 --> 00:34:31,560 Speaker 1: your life. One of the things that my therapist actually 508 00:34:31,600 --> 00:34:34,760 Speaker 1: said to me as well, is like, and what days 509 00:34:34,760 --> 00:34:36,560 Speaker 1: do you feel the best about yourself? And what are 510 00:34:36,600 --> 00:34:39,120 Speaker 1: you doing on those days? What are you wearing on 511 00:34:39,160 --> 00:34:42,319 Speaker 1: those days? And on what days are you feeling bad 512 00:34:42,360 --> 00:34:44,680 Speaker 1: about yourself? What do you do on those days? What 513 00:34:44,719 --> 00:34:46,880 Speaker 1: are you wearing, who are you interacting with, what are 514 00:34:46,880 --> 00:34:50,960 Speaker 1: you eating? All of those little things really do contribute 515 00:34:50,960 --> 00:34:54,400 Speaker 1: to our self image on a day to day basis also, 516 00:34:54,640 --> 00:34:58,160 Speaker 1: further to that idea kind of not treating self criticism 517 00:34:58,239 --> 00:35:01,759 Speaker 1: like an enemy. Another way to bring it under our 518 00:35:01,800 --> 00:35:09,040 Speaker 1: control is to almost counterintuitively give ourselves the occasional permission 519 00:35:09,600 --> 00:35:15,160 Speaker 1: to be a bit mean. You can't always quit cold turkey, 520 00:35:15,480 --> 00:35:20,640 Speaker 1: especially if that negative self talk is a deeply ingrained 521 00:35:20,840 --> 00:35:25,399 Speaker 1: thought pattern. So instead give yourself five minutes a day 522 00:35:25,680 --> 00:35:28,439 Speaker 1: to think those negative thoughts. If you really can't break 523 00:35:28,480 --> 00:35:31,879 Speaker 1: out of them, contain the habit, and then you can 524 00:35:31,920 --> 00:35:34,960 Speaker 1: be like, Okay, I gave myself five minutes. I did that. 525 00:35:35,440 --> 00:35:39,040 Speaker 1: I let myself feel bad, I let myself be cruel, 526 00:35:39,600 --> 00:35:42,720 Speaker 1: and that part of my day is done. Those thoughts 527 00:35:42,719 --> 00:35:45,799 Speaker 1: are going to remain in that moment, and my life 528 00:35:45,840 --> 00:35:49,080 Speaker 1: is going to go on. It's also important to just 529 00:35:49,160 --> 00:35:52,799 Speaker 1: be neutral towards your thoughts, especially as they relate to 530 00:35:52,880 --> 00:35:57,600 Speaker 1: your perceived failures or imperfections. A thought is just a thought. 531 00:35:58,120 --> 00:36:00,920 Speaker 1: It's not the truth. You can think it, and you 532 00:36:01,000 --> 00:36:04,480 Speaker 1: don't have to believe it. It can just exist. That 533 00:36:04,640 --> 00:36:08,839 Speaker 1: was a really powerful realization for me, not just in 534 00:36:08,880 --> 00:36:12,480 Speaker 1: relation to my tendency to be hard on myself, but 535 00:36:12,520 --> 00:36:16,640 Speaker 1: also how I treat self doubt and anxiety and even 536 00:36:16,719 --> 00:36:20,960 Speaker 1: body dysmorphia and insecurity. Just because I think something about 537 00:36:21,000 --> 00:36:25,319 Speaker 1: myself does not make it true, and I think all 538 00:36:25,360 --> 00:36:29,879 Speaker 1: of those practices are incredibly liberating. We deserve to have 539 00:36:29,920 --> 00:36:32,960 Speaker 1: a peaceful mind. I think we can be our own 540 00:36:33,040 --> 00:36:36,680 Speaker 1: worst enemy. We can really take on the feedback of 541 00:36:36,800 --> 00:36:40,080 Speaker 1: others and make it our own and criticize as a 542 00:36:40,120 --> 00:36:44,239 Speaker 1: way to almost protect ourselves, but also to humble ourselves 543 00:36:44,239 --> 00:36:47,080 Speaker 1: and to make ourselves feel less than. You are not 544 00:36:47,160 --> 00:36:49,360 Speaker 1: the only one, I promise. I think that this is 545 00:36:50,080 --> 00:36:52,960 Speaker 1: highly common in this generation, especially because we have so 546 00:36:53,080 --> 00:36:57,360 Speaker 1: many points to elicit social comparison. Like I talk about 547 00:36:57,800 --> 00:37:00,799 Speaker 1: the prominence of social media all the time, that it 548 00:37:00,880 --> 00:37:03,560 Speaker 1: used to be that we could only really view those 549 00:37:03,600 --> 00:37:06,279 Speaker 1: in our community and in our surroundings, And then we 550 00:37:06,320 --> 00:37:09,080 Speaker 1: had the Internet, but it was always in one corner 551 00:37:09,120 --> 00:37:12,160 Speaker 1: of the house on the computer. And now suddenly we 552 00:37:12,200 --> 00:37:14,759 Speaker 1: can walk around every day with the phone glued to 553 00:37:14,800 --> 00:37:17,360 Speaker 1: our hands, and if at any point we want to 554 00:37:17,400 --> 00:37:20,200 Speaker 1: feel bad, we want to judge ourselves, we can find 555 00:37:20,239 --> 00:37:22,080 Speaker 1: a million ways to do that. We can look at 556 00:37:22,080 --> 00:37:25,400 Speaker 1: a million different pitches of other people's perfect lives and 557 00:37:25,400 --> 00:37:29,960 Speaker 1: perfect bodies and perfect jobs and just feel inherently really crappy. 558 00:37:30,120 --> 00:37:32,759 Speaker 1: So I don't think that that is forever. I think 559 00:37:32,800 --> 00:37:35,239 Speaker 1: that's something that we can act out against and we 560 00:37:35,280 --> 00:37:37,799 Speaker 1: can push back against. And I just hope that this 561 00:37:37,920 --> 00:37:42,720 Speaker 1: episode gave you some valuable insight, firstly and psycho education, 562 00:37:43,480 --> 00:37:46,640 Speaker 1: but also some tips and some strategies. Like I said, 563 00:37:47,000 --> 00:37:52,640 Speaker 1: radical self compassion life changing, so life changing. Cognitive diffusion 564 00:37:52,800 --> 00:37:56,360 Speaker 1: also incredible. So this episode was definitely one that I 565 00:37:56,440 --> 00:38:00,360 Speaker 1: really enjoyed researching and putting together. As always, if you 566 00:38:00,480 --> 00:38:02,600 Speaker 1: enjoyed it and you think someone in your life might 567 00:38:02,680 --> 00:38:06,239 Speaker 1: enjoy it as well, please please feel free to send 568 00:38:06,320 --> 00:38:08,440 Speaker 1: them a link to this episode. You never know what 569 00:38:08,480 --> 00:38:11,400 Speaker 1: they'll take from it. Also, again, I'm gonna plug the 570 00:38:11,400 --> 00:38:13,759 Speaker 1: Poetreon because I would love to see more of my 571 00:38:13,840 --> 00:38:18,719 Speaker 1: loyal listeners. Over there. You get access to bonus episodes, 572 00:38:18,760 --> 00:38:22,400 Speaker 1: bonus content, and newsletter, all of the episode transcripts. You 573 00:38:22,440 --> 00:38:26,759 Speaker 1: can vote on upcoming episodes free merch and it's as 574 00:38:26,800 --> 00:38:28,719 Speaker 1: little as one dollar a month, so it goes a 575 00:38:28,719 --> 00:38:31,439 Speaker 1: long way when a lot of people contribute. I'll leave 576 00:38:31,480 --> 00:38:34,359 Speaker 1: a link in the episode description, and please feel free 577 00:38:34,400 --> 00:38:37,720 Speaker 1: to leave a five star review on Apple, Spotify, wherever 578 00:38:37,760 --> 00:38:41,320 Speaker 1: you're listening right now. If you did enjoy this episode, 579 00:38:41,480 --> 00:38:44,520 Speaker 1: we will be back next week. I will see you then,