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Speaker 1: On this week's episode of Cultivating her Space, everything you

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Speaker 1: need is within. I've been saying that for years. I

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Speaker 1: even got it chatted on me like earlier this year,

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Speaker 1: and the meeting of it has grown and it has

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Speaker 1: a bit more depth to it now, but it's still

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Speaker 1: very much true because I was in the space with

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Speaker 1: my previously where I was kind of looking outside of

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Speaker 1: myself for things, and now I'm being reminded consistently that

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Speaker 1: go within. That's how you're going to tappen with spirit.

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Speaker 1: That's how you're going to get the things that you need.

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Speaker 1: Today's episode is sure to provide you with motivation, inspiration,

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Speaker 1: or a fresh perspective. If you have any AHA moments

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Speaker 1: or appreciate anything from this episode, please leave us a

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Speaker 1: review to let us know we're on the right track. Also,

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Speaker 1: we release episodes every Friday, so be sure to subscribe

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Speaker 1: on iTunes and visit cultivatinghurspace dot com to access our

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Speaker 1: exclusive after show and other bonus content from the Patreon.

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Speaker 2: Welcome to Cultivating her Space, a podcast dedicated to uplifting

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Speaker 2: women like you. We're your hosts doctor Dominique Brussard, a

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Speaker 2: college professor and psychologist.

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Speaker 1: And Terry Lomax, a techie and motivational speaker in a

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Speaker 1: world where black women are often misrepresented and misunderstood. Please

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Speaker 1: join us as we initiate authentic conversations on everything from

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Speaker 1: fibroids to fake friends and create a safe space where

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Speaker 1: black women can just be.

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Speaker 2: Our quote of the day, Adulthood is not about growing up,

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Speaker 2: but rather about growing into yourself. So, lady, I'm gonna

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Speaker 2: say that again to make sure you understand the difference.

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Speaker 2: Adulthood is not about growing up, but rather it's about

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Speaker 2: growing into yourself, all right, So tee, when you hear

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Speaker 2: this quote of the day, what comes.

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Speaker 1: Up for you? Okay? So I'm looking at this quote again,

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Speaker 1: dom I love this quote, and I feel like it's

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Speaker 1: taken me a long time to learn this, but it's okay,

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Speaker 1: better late than never, right. I think that this quote

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Speaker 1: means that adulthood is not about sort of ticking off

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Speaker 1: these milestones that people say that we should be achieving

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Speaker 1: at this certain age, like oh, I got to get

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Speaker 1: this job, I got to pay these bills, I got

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Speaker 1: to follow these societal expectations of being grown, get married

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Speaker 1: at twenty five, have a kid, do all that, right,

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Speaker 1: It's about really discovering and accepting and evolving too the

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Speaker 1: person that you were meant to be, now who your

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Speaker 1: family thinks you should be, or whose society says you

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Speaker 1: should be, but really just developmentally doing what feels aligned

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Speaker 1: with where you are and adapting to the things that

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Speaker 1: are like naturally happening. That's what the quote means to me,

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Speaker 1: down What about for you?

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Speaker 2: I think it's I think the same thing. Yeah that

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Speaker 2: It's like, yeah, I really love that piece about what

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Speaker 2: you said about not meeting societal not worried about meeting

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Speaker 2: societal expectations to check off certain boxes, and not about

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Speaker 2: doing things within a certain age range. That it really

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Speaker 2: is about growing into yourself and discovering who you are.

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Speaker 2: And when we recognize that, then we realize that everybody

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Speaker 2: is on different trajectories. That we have some people that

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Speaker 2: come into their own in their twenties. There are some

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Speaker 2: folks that come into their own in their thirties and

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Speaker 2: their forties and their fifties, and there's some people that

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Speaker 2: never truly come into their own. They live their whole

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Speaker 2: life and never truly come into their own, never truly

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Speaker 2: knowing who they are.

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Speaker 1: I love that so much, done cause I think that

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Speaker 1: many of us, I know, the way that we I

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Speaker 1: would say we kind of grew up is like there

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Speaker 1: were these milestones you had to achieve, and I feel

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Speaker 1: like society often sort of puts this blanket across everyone,

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Speaker 1: like this is what you should aspire to be, the

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Speaker 1: white pick offense and all these things. But it's like,

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Speaker 1: like you said, we all have our own journeys. So

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Speaker 1: before we talk about established adulthood, because this is a

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Speaker 1: new term for me that I would love for you

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Speaker 1: to just explain to USM I want to just kind

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Speaker 1: of pose some questions to you, lady, as you are,

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Speaker 1: you know, listening to this conversation with us, and like

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Speaker 1: hopefully you're talking to us in your head. Hey girl,

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Speaker 1: you know we have best friends in your head. Okay,

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Speaker 1: So we have some questions for you, and then Dom's

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Speaker 1: going to share what established adulthood actually means because I

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Speaker 1: had a different interpretation. So the questions we want to

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Speaker 1: share with you, lady one is when did you realize

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Speaker 1: that you were officially an adult with all the roles

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Speaker 1: and responsibilities that come with it, And how much of

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Speaker 1: your current life is by design versus adapting to what

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Speaker 1: life throws your way, So just a couple of things

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Speaker 1: to think about as we have the conver All right, don,

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Speaker 1: what does establish adulthood? Because this is a new term

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Speaker 1: for me. Where did it come from? What is it?

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Speaker 2: Yeah, so this is also kind of a new term

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Speaker 2: for me. But the under once I explained the concept

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Speaker 2: to me, the concept itself makes sense to me. It

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Speaker 2: has made sense to me for a while, but this

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Speaker 2: naming it, this specific term, is new. So the term

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Speaker 2: established adulthood was coined by developmental psychologists by the name

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Speaker 2: of doctor Claire Meta, and what she says is that

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Speaker 2: established adulthood references that age between thirty and forty five.

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Speaker 2: It's during this time period that you typically see significant

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Speaker 2: lifestyle milestones being reached, right, that come with significant responsibilities marriage, parenting,

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Speaker 2: caregiving for aging parents, and all of this is happening

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Speaker 2: while you're advancing your career. Right. Previously, developmental psychologists would

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Speaker 2: have referred to this stage in life as middle adulthood,

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Speaker 2: and there wasn't a whole lot of focus on it

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Speaker 2: on this stage for the individual, more so focused on

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Speaker 2: certain milestones that come with this stage. So there is

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Speaker 2: maybe singular focus on what it means to be a

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Speaker 2: parent or what marriage is like, or maybe what caregiving

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Speaker 2: for aging parents, or there's lots of talk about career, right,

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Speaker 2: so we know that all of these topics can be

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Speaker 2: talked about singularly. But doctor Meta is focusing on all

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Speaker 2: of these things actually are occurring simultaneously and what is

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Speaker 2: really happening when we look at all of these things,

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Speaker 2: how they're intersecting and not in their individual silos.

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Speaker 1: I love that because I think when I first heard

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Speaker 1: the term, my understanding was, Oh, it means me being

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Speaker 1: established as an adult. So I have my own car,

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Speaker 1: I have my home, I have my job, I'm stable.

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Speaker 1: Like That's how kind of how I was seeing. It's

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Speaker 1: like me being established as an individual. But it sounds

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Speaker 1: like she's focusing on the stage that involves all these

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Speaker 1: sort of competing priorities and all the things that you have,

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Speaker 1: because it's a very unique experience to be either married

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Speaker 1: with children and managing your career or divorced in like

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Speaker 1: a single mom and like managing all the dating and

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Speaker 1: life and motherhood. So it's like all that we're managing

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Speaker 1: in this stage that I believe was often overlooked because

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Speaker 1: you were saying before we started recording that they focused

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Speaker 1: primarily on what was it adolescents and then elderly, but

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Speaker 1: there was an experience or space for what's happening in

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Speaker 1: that mid age range period? Is that kind of yes,

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Speaker 1: well you're sharing okay.

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Speaker 2: And also sometimes people may have heard it referred to

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Speaker 2: as the sandwich generation. Why is that because you're in

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Speaker 2: the middle. You're literally in the middle, like you you

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Speaker 2: have a generation behind you that you're caring for, and

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Speaker 2: then and then you're moving into having to care for

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Speaker 2: the older generation. Got you, So you're sandwiched in the middle,

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Speaker 2: like you're in the middle of these other two generations,

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Speaker 2: and the focus really is not so much on you

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Speaker 2: as the individual and what you're going through. But yeah,

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Speaker 2: the research has typically focused on, well, what does your

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Speaker 2: role look like being a parent, what does your role

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Speaker 2: look like caring for your parents, but not necessarily what

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Speaker 2: it's like to truly be navigating both of those things.

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Speaker 1: Okay, Okay, I like this, So with that in mind

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Speaker 1: when you think about lady, when you think about your life, right,

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Speaker 1: with the context of established adulthood in the way that

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Speaker 1: we just defined it for the purpose of this conversation,

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Speaker 1: I think it'd be really helpful I'm a visual person

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Speaker 1: and I love to be able to like just imagine

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Speaker 1: sort of how this looks in action. I'm thinking about

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Speaker 1: a plate, a physical plate. I'm thinking about what are

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Speaker 1: not necessarily my goals and dreams, but what are the

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Speaker 1: things that are on my plate as responsibilities at this

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Speaker 1: point in my life. Because I feel like if we

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Speaker 1: were all to take a look at our lives like that,

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Speaker 1: I wish I could go pull a plate out of

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Speaker 1: the cabinet so I could have that too as a

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Speaker 1: visual But like, maybe we could talk about the things

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Speaker 1: that are on our plates, the things that we feel

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Speaker 1: comfortable sharing and Lady, maybe you can think about that

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Speaker 1: as we have the conversation and dig of it deeper.

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Speaker 1: I would say for me, Dom's like the podcast is

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Speaker 1: one for sure, I'm thinking about that because we're recording

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Speaker 1: right now to the post. That's definitely something. Motherhood for sure,

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Speaker 1: job that's another. I would say certain family aspects and dynamics,

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Speaker 1: like there are certain people that I'm a resource for,

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Speaker 1: so they'll come to me to for whatever that resource.

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Speaker 1: You know, that resourcing might look like, are we factoring

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Speaker 1: in like friendship? This is Friendship's not really okay?

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Speaker 2: Also, thinks you're managing Yeah.

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Speaker 1: Okay, dating, dating, and then on the on the verge

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Speaker 1: of my grandparents have passed. But I am seeing, you know,

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Speaker 1: the parental figures in my life aging and kind of

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Speaker 1: even though I'm not in that state of like a

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Speaker 1: caregiving state, I'm thinking about, Oh, well my dad has

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Speaker 1: you know, I have a thirteen year old little brother,

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Speaker 1: So if something happens to him, what does that mean

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Speaker 1: for the other responsibilities that he has? How do I

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Speaker 1: fit into that picture? So I'm not there yet, thank god,

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Speaker 1: but just kind of thinking, you know, in the future

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Speaker 1: of like what would that look like when this happens?

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Speaker 1: Because now we are the adults in many cases, depending

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Speaker 1: on how old you are, we are the adults, you know,

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Speaker 1: taking care of business. And so when you think about

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Speaker 1: your plate, what what are some of the things you're managing? Hey, lady,

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Speaker 1: it's Terry here, Dom and I want to take a

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Speaker 1: moment to thank you for choosing to listen to our podcast.

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Speaker 1: We love you for real, and we want to give

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Speaker 1: you a chance to learn more about what's important to us.

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Speaker 1: So tell us what you think about this.

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Speaker 3: Imagine a world where you have a chance to get

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Speaker 3: featured on the Cultivating her Space podcast and share your business,

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Speaker 3: brand or perspective with millions around the globe. Imagine joining

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Speaker 3: our monthly virtual video check ins where you can connect

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Speaker 3: with like minded black women like you and share your

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Speaker 3: ideas and episode suggestions with Terry and I. Now, I

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Speaker 3: want you to imagine a world where you're in the

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Speaker 3: exclusive Cultivating her Space sanctuary Slack channel, and throughout your

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Speaker 3: day and week, you are conversing with us about what's

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Speaker 3: happening in your life and sharing funny gifts and personal wins.

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Speaker 3: How does that sound?

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Speaker 1: Hopefully this is up your alley, lady, because we are

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Speaker 1: taking things to the next level this year, and we're

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Speaker 1: doubling down on investing in our community. That means you.

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Speaker 1: We want to meet you, connect with you, and create

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Speaker 1: communities of genuine women who love on black women and

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Speaker 1: push our culture and movement forward. We launch this podcast

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Speaker 1: in twenty nineteen, and to date we have not missed

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Speaker 1: while working full time and navigating our own ups and downs.

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Speaker 1: and we have hundreds of valuable episodes and workshops that

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Speaker 1: can really help you up level your life. So if

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Speaker 1: You can learn more about our goals and exclusive offerings

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Speaker 1: on Patreon, and we highly highly encourage you to join

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Speaker 1: the Sister Frontier so that you can get someone on

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Speaker 1: one time with us. We also have an option for

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Speaker 1: you to donate on a one time basis if that

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Speaker 1: meets your needs. Again herspace podcast dot com and you

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Speaker 1: can click that link that says Patreon. Ill, right, lady,

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Speaker 1: We'll hop right back into the conversation.

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Speaker 2: Okay, so I'm gonna come to that. But there's one

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Speaker 2: thing that I want to point out too, is that

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Speaker 2: this established adulthood is a fifteen year kind of range.

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Speaker 2: So it's from thirty to so it's around thirty to

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Speaker 2: forty five, is right, Okay, give or take a few

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Speaker 2: years on either end. And so for me, what I

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Speaker 2: think about is there's a progression through this time period

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Speaker 2: of what life looks like, what life can look like.

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Speaker 2: And so for me on my plate, like I don't

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Speaker 2: I'm not partnered I don't have children, and back up

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Speaker 2: and let me say I didn't birth any children, because

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Speaker 2: my sister is quick to point out that even though

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Speaker 2: I did not birth any children, my nieces are my

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Speaker 2: children and so and so and so I'm not partnered.

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Speaker 2: I don't have any children that live with me full time.

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Speaker 2: Let me say it, let me phrase it like that. Okay,

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Speaker 2: we have the podcast, I have my career, I have friendships.

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Speaker 2: I look at other family obligations, right, and so there

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Speaker 2: is a lot that I am navigating that I feel

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Speaker 2: responsible two and four. That is different than when I

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Speaker 2: was in emerging adulthood. Right, So in my early twenties,

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Speaker 2: there were things that might have been on my plate

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Speaker 2: that I didn't necessarily feel responsible for, right, And I

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Speaker 2: currently don't like own property, but that is something that

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Speaker 2: I would like to do, and so then that would

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Speaker 2: become an additional thing on my plate that like, when

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Speaker 2: I think about emerging adulthood, that was not necessarily a

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Speaker 2: concern for me, got you, and then distinguishing that from

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Speaker 2: like later adulthood, so forty five plus, then there's that

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Speaker 2: shift into recognizing that, oh forty five plus, Yeah, the

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Speaker 2: older generations are transitioning and so now I'm become I

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Speaker 2: would be becoming the older generation, and so then what

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Speaker 2: does that look like to truly be in the elder category?

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Speaker 2: And so I think this current phase, that's how it's

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Speaker 2: different from emerging adulthood. Like I'm still like trying to

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Speaker 2: figure life. I don't know shit. I think I know everything,

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Speaker 2: but I don't know shit. That's emerging adulthood, right, Yeah,

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Speaker 2: compared to elder status, where you know a lot and

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Speaker 2: it's about are the people going to listen? And have

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Speaker 2: I lived the life that I've wanted to live? Like

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Speaker 2: what is reflecting on life? Those are the two unique

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Speaker 2: stages that we are sandwiched in the middle of of

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Speaker 2: Like the realization that there are some things that I

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Speaker 2: have figured out, there are some things that I still

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Speaker 2: have left to do or want to do and hopefully

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Speaker 2: can do.

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Speaker 1: Yeah, okay, that I appreciate the way you explained that.

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Speaker 1: And I'm going back to something you said about the

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Speaker 1: fifteen year gap, and you talked about this progression, and

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Speaker 1: then it made me think about something because as you

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Speaker 1: were talking about these responsibilities, I was like, wait a minute,

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Speaker 1: I didn't have some of these adult responsibilities on my

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Speaker 1: plate since I was a teenager. So then it made

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Speaker 1: me think about how some of us are sort of

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Speaker 1: prematurely ushered into established adulthood because the family dynamics. Like

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Speaker 1: I was raising kids and I was a teenager, and

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Speaker 1: so I'm like, Okay, it wasn't supposed to be that way,

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Speaker 1: but I felt that responsibility because of family dynamics, and

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Speaker 1: so some of us have been prematurely ushered into that.

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Speaker 1: And so I think it's important to have this conversation too,

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Speaker 1: don because there is a unique experience that many of

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Speaker 1: us within this phase can relate to, like having a

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Speaker 1: lot of very often demanding things on your plate at

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Speaker 1: one time, trying to figure out how do I prioritize

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Speaker 1: my needs and desires. I'm focused on other people. I

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Speaker 1: remember when, although I have not been a full time

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Speaker 1: I don't consider myself having been a full time caregiver

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Speaker 1: of an elder. But I remember years ago when my

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Speaker 1: grandmother was alive and she came to visit me and

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Speaker 1: had a bit of a health scare, and it was

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Speaker 1: so overwhelming and so stressful for me, and my heart

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Speaker 1: really went out to those who are caregiving full time

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Speaker 1: for elderly parents and grandparents. So I say all that

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Speaker 1: to say, dom, unless you have anything else to add

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Speaker 1: to that, I do have a couple of questions for

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Speaker 1: us to dive into. Just as we jump into the conversation.

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Speaker 2: No, let's go question, let's do it.

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Speaker 1: Okay. So my question here is, what's one thing you

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Speaker 1: thought you'd have figured out lord by this stage in life,

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Speaker 1: but still haven't. A lady, you think about this for

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Speaker 1: yourself as well, what.

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Speaker 2: Is your huh one thing that I thought i'd have

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Speaker 2: figured out but I still haven't.

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Speaker 1: Hmm, if you need some time down because I've had

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Speaker 1: time to.

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Speaker 2: Think about this, I need a moment because there's a

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Speaker 2: couple of things that's coming up. But then I'm like, well, no,

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Speaker 2: I do think I have that figured out, so maybe

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Speaker 2: not that. So yeah, what's your response?

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Speaker 1: Okay, you want some inspiration? Let me let me let

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Speaker 1: me give you something real quick. Let me just say

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Speaker 1: two words, girl, taxes and finances.

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Speaker 2: Polch out, Listen, listen, listen.

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Speaker 1: Oh my gosh, taxes and finances.

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Speaker 2: Girl.

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Speaker 1: I feel like every year I don't want to be

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Speaker 1: at the point where every year like tax stuff is

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Speaker 1: a surprise for me. And I'm like, ma'am, we need

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Speaker 1: to create a rubric. So that's how I'm working on

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Speaker 1: this year, is like creating some structure so that each

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Speaker 1: taxier for business and personal, I have things in order

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Speaker 1: and it's not like it's taxis and ma'am you know

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Speaker 1: that it's taxis every year. There's time, so let's do it.

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Speaker 1: So I think that that is something that I am

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Speaker 1: more open to, like creating structure around but those will

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Speaker 1: be my answers finances and taxes.

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Speaker 2: Girl, I think yeah. So I think the thing that

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Speaker 2: came up from me around finances is the recognition that

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Speaker 2: finances are never going to be fully figured out in

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Speaker 2: terms of from the aspect of yes, there are things

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Speaker 2: that you can do, practices that you can have in place,

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Speaker 2: but that because your life circumstances constantly change finances, how

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Speaker 2: you approach those things will then cause changes in your finances,

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Speaker 2: if that makes sense, right m hm. So, like ten

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Speaker 2: years ago, I didn't have a business, and so what

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Speaker 2: I thought I had figured out around finances is different

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Speaker 2: than it was then because I didn't have a business,

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Speaker 2: and so I have to move differently, I have to

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Speaker 2: navigate differently because of that. Right, I don't have I

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Speaker 2: don't have any dependence, but if I had any financial dependence,

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Speaker 2: then it would then my financial situation would look different, right,

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Speaker 2: because I think about my friends and family who have

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Speaker 2: children that are in daycare, and daycare find your finances

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Speaker 2: around daycare is different than your finances when your kid,

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Speaker 2: when you have a kid in college, Yeah, and so

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Speaker 2: or when you are in that stage where you have

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Speaker 2: a where you're caring for an elderly parent who had

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Speaker 2: who may be in an assistant living facility, right, and

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Speaker 2: so what and so thinking about how I think that's

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Speaker 2: the thing that I figured out that I haven't figured

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Speaker 2: out that my finances are gonna constantly be changing, and

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Speaker 2: so I will constantly having to be adjusting how I

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Speaker 2: approach my finances.

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Speaker 1: Mmmm. That's a good one. That's a good one. Oh Okay,

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Speaker 1: So this next one, I was looking at it. I'm like,

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Speaker 1: I don't even know answer for this, but I'm gonna

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Speaker 1: try to figure one out. So this question is a

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Speaker 1: little different from the typical question we hear about advice, right,

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Speaker 1: because usually what advice would you give you younger your

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Speaker 1: younger self? This question is what's a piece of advice

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Speaker 1: your younger self would give you about life today? And

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Speaker 1: do you think it still applies, and I'm trying to

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Speaker 1: think of like what what little what little terry say?

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Speaker 2: Hmm, my, I think my younger self would say. I

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Speaker 2: think my younger self would say this, saying, what you

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Speaker 2: thought life was gonna look like? And it's okay? And

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Speaker 2: and I I say that because I know what my

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Speaker 2: younger self thought life would look like and it ain't that.

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Speaker 2: And I am okay with I am more than okay

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Speaker 2: with my life not looking like what my younger self envisioned.

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Speaker 1: M h.

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Speaker 2: I think my younger self was focused on checking boxes,

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Speaker 2: because that's how I've been socialized, is that if you want,

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Speaker 2: if you want upward mobility, you got to check certain

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Speaker 2: boxes in a certain order by a certain time period.

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Speaker 2: And I think my younger well, and actually it's not

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Speaker 2: that what my younger my younger self would be like, girl,

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Speaker 2: your life ain't what you thought it was gonna look like.

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Speaker 2: And then I think it would be my older that

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Speaker 2: would have to tell younger self it's okay, exactly. I

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Speaker 2: think that's what it really is, is that my younger

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Speaker 2: self would probably have some judgment or disappointments in the

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Speaker 2: life not looking like what we envisioned it would be

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Speaker 2: because there are certain boxes that just weren't checked off. Yeah,

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Speaker 2: and my my I would imagine that my elder self

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Speaker 2: would look back and be like, are you good?

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Speaker 1: Okay?

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Speaker 2: We are right over here. We're better than all right

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Speaker 2: over here.

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Speaker 1: Listen. I love that so much because, like you said,

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Speaker 1: when we're younger, even with something like marriage, I didn't.

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Speaker 1: I know many of me and my friends we were younger, like,

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Speaker 1: oh I want to be married by this point, and

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Speaker 1: it's like you think you're thinking about it as an

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Speaker 1: age that does not matter. It's like, have you met

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Speaker 1: the right partner? Have you? Are you in the right

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Speaker 1: space in life?

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Speaker 2: Right?

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Speaker 1: So I love that you pointed that out. I would

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Speaker 1: say that my younger self, the advice that my younger

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Speaker 1: self will give me today is something I've been stating

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Speaker 1: for a long time. But what the meaning of this

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Speaker 1: statement has definitely evolved, and that is that everything you

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Speaker 1: need is within I've been saying that for years, chatted

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Speaker 1: on me like earlier this year, and it means something.

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Speaker 1: It means that the meaning of it has grown and

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Speaker 1: has it has a bit more depth to it now,

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Speaker 1: but it's still very much true. Yeah. So I'd say

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Speaker 1: it's still very much true because I was in the

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Speaker 1: space of my previously where I was kind of looking

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Speaker 1: outside of myself for things, and now I'm being reminded

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Speaker 1: consistently that go within. That's how you're going to tappen

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Speaker 1: with spirit. That's how you're going to get the things

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Speaker 1: that you need. So I would say that is the

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Speaker 1: answer to that one for me. Now, the next question,

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Speaker 1: DOM is what's a parenting or caregiving lesson? We can

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Speaker 1: say aunting as well that you've learned the hard way

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Speaker 1: that hmm.

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Speaker 2: There's a couple of things, but I think the most

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Speaker 2: important one is that you can easily repeat on healthy

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Speaker 2: cycles if you don't pause to check yourself.

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Speaker 1: Ooh girl, talk about it.

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Speaker 2: I I there have been times where I have been

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Speaker 2: talking with my nieces or watching my sisters, and I

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Speaker 2: engage with my nieces and or and my nephew as well,

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Speaker 2: and so we'll be in converse. And this is these

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Speaker 2: are the more recent conversations because my sisters and I

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Speaker 2: are all in the established adulthood phase, and the conversations

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Speaker 2: and we'll talk about what that looks like, how being

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Speaker 2: in this phase affects your relationships as well. And so

435
00:25:46,200 --> 00:25:50,000
Speaker 2: because we're all. In this stage, we're having these deeper

436
00:25:50,040 --> 00:25:57,600
Speaker 2: conversations around recognizing ways in which we were parented and

437
00:25:57,680 --> 00:26:02,320
Speaker 2: how that shows up in our interactions with my nieces

438
00:26:02,440 --> 00:26:09,240
Speaker 2: and nephew, and having to having moments where we have

439
00:26:09,400 --> 00:26:12,320
Speaker 2: to pause and we watch how they how my nieces

440
00:26:12,320 --> 00:26:16,200
Speaker 2: and nephew respond to us, and having to say, oh, oh,

441
00:26:16,520 --> 00:26:20,560
Speaker 2: hold on, we are repeating something that we thought we'd

442
00:26:20,640 --> 00:26:26,359
Speaker 2: never repeat. Let's pause, let's rewind, and let's not do

443
00:26:26,480 --> 00:26:26,960
Speaker 2: that again.

444
00:26:27,640 --> 00:26:30,439
Speaker 1: Yeah, that's a good one. That is so good, and

445
00:26:30,440 --> 00:26:32,760
Speaker 1: that literally is similar to what I was going to

446
00:26:32,800 --> 00:26:35,280
Speaker 1: share to you dom. It's like, let's pause, reflect, and

447
00:26:35,280 --> 00:26:38,880
Speaker 1: then what are we replacing that behavior we don't want with? Right,

448
00:26:39,200 --> 00:26:41,800
Speaker 1: You've done an episode about that, and I love that

449
00:26:41,840 --> 00:26:44,119
Speaker 1: we did that, because girl, that's spot on. Many of

450
00:26:44,200 --> 00:26:47,000
Speaker 1: us have seen things that we don't want to replicate,

451
00:26:47,000 --> 00:26:48,760
Speaker 1: but if we don't replace it with anything, it's kind

452
00:26:48,760 --> 00:26:50,320
Speaker 1: of easy to just go right back to what we

453
00:26:50,400 --> 00:26:52,879
Speaker 1: witnessed and what we know. And so my answer to

454
00:26:52,920 --> 00:26:56,080
Speaker 1: this question is just to not judge like I think

455
00:26:56,119 --> 00:26:58,520
Speaker 1: about You know, I've said this on the podcast before,

456
00:26:58,520 --> 00:27:00,159
Speaker 1: but my mom and I have been a streamed for

457
00:27:00,240 --> 00:27:03,040
Speaker 1: quite some time and It's been the best decision based

458
00:27:03,040 --> 00:27:05,000
Speaker 1: on where I'm in my life, my mental health and

459
00:27:05,040 --> 00:27:09,600
Speaker 1: all that, and as a mother now, and I think

460
00:27:09,600 --> 00:27:12,160
Speaker 1: about my mom's experience and how old she was at

461
00:27:12,160 --> 00:27:14,280
Speaker 1: certain phases of her life when I was younger, and

462
00:27:14,320 --> 00:27:16,960
Speaker 1: although I'm not excusing any of the behavior that she had,

463
00:27:17,440 --> 00:27:19,400
Speaker 1: I'm now in a space as a mother and being

464
00:27:19,400 --> 00:27:23,200
Speaker 1: an established adulthood and I'm realizing, oh shit, she had

465
00:27:23,200 --> 00:27:26,359
Speaker 1: a lot on her plate, and I can understand how

466
00:27:26,440 --> 00:27:28,119
Speaker 1: someone could get to the point that she was at

467
00:27:28,160 --> 00:27:30,600
Speaker 1: NA saying it was right, not saying that it was

468
00:27:30,920 --> 00:27:33,080
Speaker 1: you know, it wasn't damaging to me, but I can

469
00:27:33,160 --> 00:27:35,080
Speaker 1: understand how someone can get there when they don't have

470
00:27:35,160 --> 00:27:40,040
Speaker 1: tools and support and resources and language like I understand,

471
00:27:40,560 --> 00:27:42,440
Speaker 1: And so I would say for me, like you said, Tom,

472
00:27:42,560 --> 00:27:45,359
Speaker 1: I have had moments with my daughter. I'm like, oh,

473
00:27:45,640 --> 00:27:49,119
Speaker 1: hold on, Terry, what are we are we? What are

474
00:27:49,119 --> 00:27:50,480
Speaker 1: we doing? What are we doing here? Because I don't

475
00:27:50,520 --> 00:27:52,440
Speaker 1: like the way that I showed up, and so trying

476
00:27:52,480 --> 00:27:55,680
Speaker 1: to find ways to manage my own emotions and use

477
00:27:55,760 --> 00:27:57,159
Speaker 1: my tools so I can show up in a more

478
00:27:57,200 --> 00:28:00,479
Speaker 1: powerful way. But it puts things in perspective girls about

479
00:28:00,680 --> 00:28:02,760
Speaker 1: how old my mom was when she had me, and

480
00:28:02,800 --> 00:28:04,679
Speaker 1: I think about how she was a baby, she was,

481
00:28:04,880 --> 00:28:06,800
Speaker 1: she was a baby raising a baby, and then she

482
00:28:06,880 --> 00:28:08,600
Speaker 1: was managing all these things, and I'm like, I can

483
00:28:08,680 --> 00:28:11,080
Speaker 1: only imagine how I would have acted in the same

484
00:28:11,080 --> 00:28:13,240
Speaker 1: way with the tools that were available to me and

485
00:28:13,280 --> 00:28:16,240
Speaker 1: whatever challenges she had. So it does help to put

486
00:28:16,240 --> 00:28:17,919
Speaker 1: things in perspective. And I think some of the stuff

487
00:28:17,920 --> 00:28:20,760
Speaker 1: we just won't get until we're older or until we're

488
00:28:20,760 --> 00:28:23,879
Speaker 1: in that space. So lady, not to excuse any behavior

489
00:28:24,000 --> 00:28:25,720
Speaker 1: of the adults around us, but I do want to

490
00:28:25,760 --> 00:28:28,919
Speaker 1: say why not to judge, because we might find ourselves

491
00:28:28,920 --> 00:28:33,320
Speaker 1: in a similar situation years later, and then we'll be like, oh,

492
00:28:33,640 --> 00:28:38,120
Speaker 1: I understand how they could get there, so are I

493
00:28:38,120 --> 00:28:41,000
Speaker 1: think it's My last question is what's one thing from

494
00:28:41,120 --> 00:28:47,200
Speaker 1: childhood you miss that adulthood just can't replicate. This is

495
00:28:47,240 --> 00:28:49,040
Speaker 1: an easy one. I think.

496
00:28:50,720 --> 00:28:53,760
Speaker 2: A girl girl not having to adults. I think the

497
00:28:53,880 --> 00:28:59,959
Speaker 2: responsibility not having fully adults Like, yes, yes, there were

498
00:29:00,080 --> 00:29:02,680
Speaker 2: ways in which I was a parentified child totally like

499
00:29:02,920 --> 00:29:06,400
Speaker 2: get that. Acknowledge that, and at ten years old, I

500
00:29:06,520 --> 00:29:09,600
Speaker 2: wasn't paying any bills.

501
00:29:08,080 --> 00:29:12,200
Speaker 1: Less like, no, I miss it. Girl. My mom used

502
00:29:12,200 --> 00:29:14,040
Speaker 1: to be like, y'all so quick to grow up. You

503
00:29:14,440 --> 00:29:16,000
Speaker 1: don't all you have to do is worry about keeping

504
00:29:16,040 --> 00:29:17,600
Speaker 1: your room clean and going to school. And to me,

505
00:29:17,640 --> 00:29:19,800
Speaker 1: I'm like, I just didn't get it. And now, girl,

506
00:29:19,800 --> 00:29:21,600
Speaker 1: I'm looking at the bills and I'm like, especially on

507
00:29:21,640 --> 00:29:24,400
Speaker 1: those months sometimes y'all where you have more month than money,

508
00:29:24,480 --> 00:29:28,680
Speaker 1: You're like, how I'm gonna figure this out? Like what girl?

509
00:29:29,120 --> 00:29:29,400
Speaker 2: Girl?

510
00:29:29,840 --> 00:29:32,000
Speaker 1: Okay, So that was an easy one for us. Now

511
00:29:32,040 --> 00:29:33,640
Speaker 1: that I want to go back to something you said,

512
00:29:33,720 --> 00:29:37,000
Speaker 1: you said, you said we would talk about how being

513
00:29:37,080 --> 00:29:40,960
Speaker 1: in this phase of established adulthood affects relationships. So from

514
00:29:41,000 --> 00:29:45,080
Speaker 1: your perspective, like, how does it impact relationships?

515
00:29:45,120 --> 00:29:48,640
Speaker 2: So it's so funny that so the day at the

516
00:29:48,640 --> 00:29:52,560
Speaker 2: time that we are recording this episode, prior to us

517
00:29:52,800 --> 00:29:56,080
Speaker 2: hopping on, I was catching up with one of my

518
00:29:56,080 --> 00:30:00,520
Speaker 2: good friends from college. And so since you know, we've

519
00:30:00,560 --> 00:30:07,960
Speaker 2: known each other almost almost twenty five years now, I know, right,

520
00:30:08,280 --> 00:30:14,880
Speaker 2: And so we were reflecting on what we've seen in

521
00:30:14,920 --> 00:30:18,560
Speaker 2: our growth, our own individual growth from since we met

522
00:30:18,560 --> 00:30:24,040
Speaker 2: in college, but then also how our relationships with our

523
00:30:24,200 --> 00:30:30,440
Speaker 2: sisters have changed over the years. So we were talking about,

524
00:30:30,480 --> 00:30:34,760
Speaker 2: like what I observed with her and her sister, and

525
00:30:35,440 --> 00:30:39,880
Speaker 2: then just noting how beautiful their relationship is now and

526
00:30:40,960 --> 00:30:46,720
Speaker 2: the same for me. Right that, like my relationship, particularly

527
00:30:47,160 --> 00:30:49,640
Speaker 2: with one of my sisters who I'm closest in age with,

528
00:30:50,480 --> 00:30:53,640
Speaker 2: how that relationship has evolved so much since we were

529
00:30:53,720 --> 00:30:59,640
Speaker 2: kids and twenty years ago, I wouldn't have thought that

530
00:31:00,120 --> 00:31:04,760
Speaker 2: based on where we were twenty years ago, I did

531
00:31:04,760 --> 00:31:10,840
Speaker 2: not see. I did not predict or foresee the beautiful

532
00:31:10,880 --> 00:31:14,800
Speaker 2: relationship that we have now. And I am so immensely

533
00:31:14,880 --> 00:31:21,800
Speaker 2: grateful for where our relationship is, but recognizing that a

534
00:31:21,880 --> 00:31:25,440
Speaker 2: lot of that has to do with us being in

535
00:31:25,480 --> 00:31:30,160
Speaker 2: this phase of established adulthood and the level of maturity

536
00:31:30,200 --> 00:31:34,480
Speaker 2: that you hope would come for people during this time period.

537
00:31:35,600 --> 00:31:39,720
Speaker 2: And so I think about my relationship with my sisters,

538
00:31:40,160 --> 00:31:43,040
Speaker 2: and like I mentioned before, because we're all now in

539
00:31:43,080 --> 00:31:48,960
Speaker 2: this established adulthood phase and we've arrived at maturity at

540
00:31:49,000 --> 00:31:57,760
Speaker 2: different points and we're all still evolving, but watching our

541
00:31:58,000 --> 00:32:03,640
Speaker 2: sisterly dynamic and how that has evolved over the years,

542
00:32:04,640 --> 00:32:13,040
Speaker 2: and how we have become closer and our communication has improved.

543
00:32:14,760 --> 00:32:18,240
Speaker 2: Because I think about I'll speak for myself that as

544
00:32:18,280 --> 00:32:22,800
Speaker 2: the eldest, there was a lot of there was a

545
00:32:22,840 --> 00:32:26,760
Speaker 2: lot of I'm the feeling like of parents, So I'm

546
00:32:26,800 --> 00:32:29,240
Speaker 2: telling you what to do. I'm telling you how to

547
00:32:29,280 --> 00:32:32,720
Speaker 2: live your life. Not that I and I did not

548
00:32:32,800 --> 00:32:35,560
Speaker 2: have all the answers. I still don't have all the answers.

549
00:32:35,760 --> 00:32:39,600
Speaker 2: I think the difference was was that I previously acted

550
00:32:39,640 --> 00:32:43,720
Speaker 2: as if I did because I thought that was my responsibility,

551
00:32:44,680 --> 00:32:47,560
Speaker 2: that that was supposed to be my role. And so

552
00:32:47,720 --> 00:32:51,200
Speaker 2: when I got to a stage of letting that piece go,

553
00:32:52,280 --> 00:32:55,280
Speaker 2: I watched, I was able to see how my relationship

554
00:32:55,320 --> 00:33:01,560
Speaker 2: with my sisters changed. Now do they still come to me?

555
00:33:02,040 --> 00:33:04,920
Speaker 2: And so now it's they come to me for advice

556
00:33:04,960 --> 00:33:11,320
Speaker 2: on things, And when they do, it's very clear that

557
00:33:11,320 --> 00:33:15,440
Speaker 2: that is the that is the ask. They want my input.

558
00:33:16,360 --> 00:33:19,000
Speaker 2: There are some moments where I do still volunteer my input,

559
00:33:19,440 --> 00:33:24,000
Speaker 2: but we our dynamic is in a different space because

560
00:33:24,680 --> 00:33:27,640
Speaker 2: we have grown, we have evolved. We're in this sphase

561
00:33:27,840 --> 00:33:34,880
Speaker 2: also of having conversations of how do we make sure

562
00:33:34,960 --> 00:33:41,120
Speaker 2: that we're modeling appropriate ways of engaging for the younger generation,

563
00:33:42,160 --> 00:33:47,440
Speaker 2: and then also having conversations about what's our role in

564
00:33:48,680 --> 00:33:56,000
Speaker 2: looking out for the older generation, and then also feeling

565
00:33:56,160 --> 00:34:00,320
Speaker 2: like we have permission giving ourselves permission to add ask

566
00:34:00,480 --> 00:34:04,120
Speaker 2: the older generation harder questions that we didn't think we

567
00:34:04,120 --> 00:34:05,479
Speaker 2: were able to ask before.

568
00:34:06,240 --> 00:34:10,200
Speaker 1: Yes, girl, that part, Oh my goodness, that is so rich. Wow,

569
00:34:10,880 --> 00:34:12,879
Speaker 1: just the levels and layers to it all. And it's

570
00:34:12,880 --> 00:34:17,120
Speaker 1: funny because both of us as parentified you know, children

571
00:34:17,200 --> 00:34:20,239
Speaker 1: have pretty different experiences. My siblings are a bit our

572
00:34:20,280 --> 00:34:23,200
Speaker 1: age gap is a bit different. So I'm thinking about

573
00:34:23,239 --> 00:34:26,600
Speaker 1: my four younger siblings at home that I raised. Fifteen

574
00:34:26,680 --> 00:34:29,759
Speaker 1: years is the greatest difference between us, and then eight

575
00:34:29,840 --> 00:34:33,279
Speaker 1: years is the other difference between my sister and I.

576
00:34:33,320 --> 00:34:35,919
Speaker 1: And so when I think about how I raised them,

577
00:34:35,960 --> 00:34:38,239
Speaker 1: I was very much you know how some siblings like

578
00:34:38,280 --> 00:34:40,760
Speaker 1: you just do everything together, because I was so much older,

579
00:34:40,760 --> 00:34:42,560
Speaker 1: and because I really like I felt like their mom

580
00:34:42,640 --> 00:34:45,279
Speaker 1: and was their mother figure. In many cases, I didn't

581
00:34:45,280 --> 00:34:47,279
Speaker 1: cuss in front of them. I was very polished and

582
00:34:47,320 --> 00:34:51,440
Speaker 1: like preserved and like very motherly. And then things shifted

583
00:34:51,520 --> 00:34:53,759
Speaker 1: as they got to different ages where I was like, Okay,

584
00:34:53,760 --> 00:34:55,120
Speaker 1: they're a little bit older, so I don't have to

585
00:34:55,120 --> 00:34:57,120
Speaker 1: be this way. Now I'm grown. I'm a grown ass

586
00:34:57,160 --> 00:34:59,279
Speaker 1: woman now. And now they're all in their twenties, so

587
00:34:59,320 --> 00:35:01,000
Speaker 1: I'm actually going home in a couple of weeks for

588
00:35:01,040 --> 00:35:04,640
Speaker 1: the holidays, and I plan on going out with my siblings,

589
00:35:04,680 --> 00:35:06,600
Speaker 1: which is so different because I never would have, like,

590
00:35:07,239 --> 00:35:10,320
Speaker 1: you know, drink or gone out clubbing with them before.

591
00:35:10,400 --> 00:35:11,600
Speaker 1: I was like, I don't want them to see me

592
00:35:11,640 --> 00:35:13,160
Speaker 1: in this light or see me this way. But now

593
00:35:13,160 --> 00:35:15,239
Speaker 1: it's like they're grown, they live their lives, so now

594
00:35:15,239 --> 00:35:17,720
Speaker 1: we get to have fun in that way together because

595
00:35:17,760 --> 00:35:19,560
Speaker 1: of where we are now. So I think that that's

596
00:35:19,600 --> 00:35:24,160
Speaker 1: an interesting dynamic for us. And then I still am

597
00:35:24,239 --> 00:35:26,880
Speaker 1: like an advisor in some cases when they want me

598
00:35:26,920 --> 00:35:29,520
Speaker 1: to be, if they include me in on things but

599
00:35:29,719 --> 00:35:32,359
Speaker 1: less of the parents. I'm like, y'all, I didn't parents, y'all,

600
00:35:32,440 --> 00:35:34,600
Speaker 1: y'all live your life. And if you need me out, y'all,

601
00:35:34,600 --> 00:35:36,719
Speaker 1: you know I'm here. So there's that, And then you

602
00:35:36,719 --> 00:35:38,600
Speaker 1: said something else I wanted to touch on too. Dom

603
00:35:39,120 --> 00:35:42,439
Speaker 1: The other thing about being in this established adulthood sort

604
00:35:42,440 --> 00:35:44,520
Speaker 1: of era for me is that when I think about

605
00:35:44,600 --> 00:35:47,360
Speaker 1: friends that I'm attracting into my life, usually there are

606
00:35:47,400 --> 00:35:50,600
Speaker 1: people that are in that same phase. Like that's someone

607
00:35:50,600 --> 00:35:54,200
Speaker 1: who's in a completely different phase. Maybe they're out partying

608
00:35:54,239 --> 00:35:57,279
Speaker 1: all the time, or they don't have children, so it's

609
00:35:57,320 --> 00:36:00,000
Speaker 1: a little different for me to the connections a little

610
00:36:00,040 --> 00:36:02,800
Speaker 1: different because we have different priorities. But if it's another

611
00:36:02,840 --> 00:36:05,680
Speaker 1: mom might be divorced and who's raising a daughter, it's

612
00:36:05,719 --> 00:36:08,880
Speaker 1: like we have that bond around what's on our plate.

613
00:36:08,960 --> 00:36:11,840
Speaker 1: So it just the connection. There's just more that we

614
00:36:11,840 --> 00:36:13,760
Speaker 1: can both gain from the connection in that way because

615
00:36:13,760 --> 00:36:15,760
Speaker 1: of where we are. So I love that you pointed

616
00:36:15,800 --> 00:36:18,640
Speaker 1: that out as well. Okay, cool, should we dive into

617
00:36:18,680 --> 00:36:19,439
Speaker 1: these tips now?

618
00:36:20,280 --> 00:36:28,640
Speaker 2: Yes, yes, let's do it, all right? So thinking about

619
00:36:28,760 --> 00:36:35,600
Speaker 2: how can you successfully navigate established adulthood? So I think

620
00:36:35,760 --> 00:36:40,600
Speaker 2: the first thing is embracing personal growth and identity shifts,

621
00:36:40,640 --> 00:36:49,839
Speaker 2: all right, So recognizing that adulting is more about evolving

622
00:36:50,320 --> 00:36:55,640
Speaker 2: and not so much about arriving that checking off the

623
00:36:55,680 --> 00:37:01,680
Speaker 2: boxes you know, or not meeting not achieving a certain

624
00:37:01,800 --> 00:37:06,080
Speaker 2: thing or by a certain time period, or what you're

625
00:37:06,120 --> 00:37:11,560
Speaker 2: observing other people in your life doing that is less important.

626
00:37:12,000 --> 00:37:16,319
Speaker 2: What's truly important is what are you doing for your

627
00:37:16,440 --> 00:37:22,000
Speaker 2: internal development? And when you are focused on your internal development,

628
00:37:22,360 --> 00:37:24,760
Speaker 2: those other things will fall into place at the time

629
00:37:24,840 --> 00:37:30,359
Speaker 2: that they need to. So embracing that personal growth and

630
00:37:30,920 --> 00:37:33,319
Speaker 2: identity shifts. And I think the other piece with the

631
00:37:33,400 --> 00:37:42,080
Speaker 2: identity shift is recognizing that life is changing, and so

632
00:37:42,160 --> 00:37:46,840
Speaker 2: that means that who you are at thirty is different

633
00:37:46,880 --> 00:37:51,040
Speaker 2: than who you were at fifteen. It's different than who

634
00:37:51,040 --> 00:37:54,359
Speaker 2: you're gonna be at forty five, and different than who

635
00:37:54,360 --> 00:37:57,919
Speaker 2: you're gonna be at seventy five, and all of that

636
00:37:58,719 --> 00:38:01,360
Speaker 2: is okay. I think for me, one of the fascinating

637
00:38:01,400 --> 00:38:03,960
Speaker 2: things with the identity shifts and being in this established

638
00:38:04,000 --> 00:38:10,479
Speaker 2: adulthood phase is when I look at I think about

639
00:38:10,480 --> 00:38:14,919
Speaker 2: the holidays and being at home with my family and

640
00:38:15,040 --> 00:38:19,880
Speaker 2: seeing that there are times when I still feel like

641
00:38:20,360 --> 00:38:25,600
Speaker 2: a child when I'm around when I'm around the elders. Yes,

642
00:38:27,200 --> 00:38:30,080
Speaker 2: but then there are times when I'm very clear that

643
00:38:30,160 --> 00:38:34,480
Speaker 2: I'm an adult, and why am I taking the lead

644
00:38:34,560 --> 00:38:37,880
Speaker 2: on this? Y'all got y'all should have this? But okay,

645
00:38:37,960 --> 00:38:40,920
Speaker 2: I got I got it, and it's okay that I

646
00:38:41,000 --> 00:38:43,400
Speaker 2: have it. Actually because I am an adult. I am

647
00:38:43,400 --> 00:38:46,160
Speaker 2: an adult, So it's okay that I It is okay

648
00:38:46,800 --> 00:38:49,279
Speaker 2: that I have it, and it is okay for me

649
00:38:49,360 --> 00:38:53,759
Speaker 2: to instruct you now. And I think that is the

650
00:38:54,360 --> 00:38:57,000
Speaker 2: that's the current shift that I'm in in this established

651
00:38:57,000 --> 00:39:00,680
Speaker 2: adulthood phase is like, oh wait, I do have some

652
00:39:00,920 --> 00:39:05,480
Speaker 2: level of wisdom that and it is okay to assert

653
00:39:05,600 --> 00:39:08,719
Speaker 2: that with the older generations.

654
00:39:09,239 --> 00:39:11,960
Speaker 1: Oh girl, that's so good. I was just talking to

655
00:39:11,960 --> 00:39:14,440
Speaker 1: someone about that too. Don't especially around the holidays or

656
00:39:14,440 --> 00:39:16,960
Speaker 1: when we're around family or go back home in period,

657
00:39:17,600 --> 00:39:19,680
Speaker 1: it's easy to slip back into that sort of child

658
00:39:19,760 --> 00:39:22,600
Speaker 1: like posture, especially when you're around elders that saw you

659
00:39:22,719 --> 00:39:24,640
Speaker 1: grow up. So I feel like that might be another

660
00:39:24,640 --> 00:39:26,600
Speaker 1: episode we may have to dive into it, like balancing that,

661
00:39:26,640 --> 00:39:29,279
Speaker 1: because sometimes it's easy to like let our power go

662
00:39:29,360 --> 00:39:31,839
Speaker 1: and allow certain things to happen that probably shouldn't when

663
00:39:31,840 --> 00:39:33,680
Speaker 1: we slip into that. So it's like, how do you

664
00:39:33,760 --> 00:39:36,600
Speaker 1: balance having that softness of like, oh, this is my

665
00:39:37,440 --> 00:39:40,520
Speaker 1: grandparent or uncle or whatever, and then also like standing

666
00:39:40,520 --> 00:39:42,560
Speaker 1: your ground. So I love that you pointed that out,

667
00:39:42,760 --> 00:39:46,160
Speaker 1: and it also makes me think about just letting go

668
00:39:46,200 --> 00:39:50,000
Speaker 1: of societal expectations, but also monitoring what we're letting into

669
00:39:50,320 --> 00:39:54,800
Speaker 1: our energetic field, our psyche, our mind subconsciously. So what

670
00:39:54,880 --> 00:39:56,960
Speaker 1: I'm giving about social media, and you see people hit

671
00:39:57,000 --> 00:39:59,640
Speaker 1: certain milestones or share certain things, it might be wise

672
00:40:00,040 --> 00:40:02,319
Speaker 1: b lock some of that out as you regroup and

673
00:40:02,320 --> 00:40:05,000
Speaker 1: figure out what arem my where am I at? And

674
00:40:05,000 --> 00:40:07,759
Speaker 1: what are my goals? What am I prioritizing versus what

675
00:40:07,840 --> 00:40:10,480
Speaker 1: is the world saying I should prioritize? And then also

676
00:40:10,840 --> 00:40:15,080
Speaker 1: just leaning into curiosity and self compassion during this season.

677
00:40:16,160 --> 00:40:18,520
Speaker 1: So that takes us on to number two, Lady, which

678
00:40:18,600 --> 00:40:22,360
Speaker 1: is set intentional boundaries, so recognize when to say no

679
00:40:22,560 --> 00:40:25,840
Speaker 1: to obligations that don't serve you and preserve energy for

680
00:40:25,960 --> 00:40:28,360
Speaker 1: priorities because we have a lot of shit on our plate.

681
00:40:28,560 --> 00:40:30,400
Speaker 1: And when I tell you the way I say no

682
00:40:30,560 --> 00:40:33,840
Speaker 1: these days, it feels so it feels so free and liberating.

683
00:40:34,120 --> 00:40:35,520
Speaker 1: And I think that it had to take me to

684
00:40:35,560 --> 00:40:37,400
Speaker 1: get to certain points in life to say no and

685
00:40:37,400 --> 00:40:39,680
Speaker 1: feel good about it. Because now when I look at

686
00:40:39,680 --> 00:40:42,439
Speaker 1: my plate, I literally have so much and if someone

687
00:40:42,480 --> 00:40:44,240
Speaker 1: wants to hang out or they want to do something,

688
00:40:44,520 --> 00:40:46,440
Speaker 1: and I'm like, I really just don't have the space

689
00:40:46,560 --> 00:40:49,239
Speaker 1: or the interest, I'm going to say no. And so

690
00:40:49,320 --> 00:40:51,840
Speaker 1: I think it's just important for us to teach others

691
00:40:51,880 --> 00:40:55,080
Speaker 1: to respect our time and space and remember that what

692
00:40:55,120 --> 00:40:57,640
Speaker 1: we allow will continue and we set the tone for

693
00:40:57,680 --> 00:41:00,600
Speaker 1: how other people treat us. So setting these boundaries it

694
00:41:00,640 --> 00:41:01,760
Speaker 1: is extremely important.

695
00:41:02,880 --> 00:41:04,799
Speaker 2: Yes, I love this, and I think it goes back

696
00:41:04,800 --> 00:41:08,840
Speaker 2: to like those dynamics around family, right of like, because

697
00:41:08,920 --> 00:41:13,120
Speaker 2: I think oftentimes it's hard to say it's hard to

698
00:41:13,239 --> 00:41:17,799
Speaker 2: set boundary. It's hardest to set boundaries with family or

699
00:41:17,840 --> 00:41:22,399
Speaker 2: within relationships where you've had a certain dynamic going for

700
00:41:22,400 --> 00:41:27,440
Speaker 2: such a long period of time. Yes, and recognizing that

701
00:41:27,600 --> 00:41:30,160
Speaker 2: just because that it has existed for X number of

702
00:41:30,239 --> 00:41:33,640
Speaker 2: years doesn't mean that it needs to continue if it's unhealthy,

703
00:41:33,920 --> 00:41:37,960
Speaker 2: that it is okay to say, hey, I know that

704
00:41:38,040 --> 00:41:40,880
Speaker 2: I have allowed A, B and C to go on

705
00:41:41,080 --> 00:41:45,239
Speaker 2: all of this time. However it is not serving me

706
00:41:45,640 --> 00:41:49,399
Speaker 2: and it is not serving you in a way that's

707
00:41:49,520 --> 00:41:52,440
Speaker 2: working for that will work for both of us, and

708
00:41:52,480 --> 00:41:56,040
Speaker 2: so thinks it needs this needs to change. And so

709
00:41:56,080 --> 00:42:00,799
Speaker 2: then that takes us to tip number three, develop a

710
00:42:00,960 --> 00:42:05,840
Speaker 2: flexible relationship with goals. Right, So that goes back to

711
00:42:05,880 --> 00:42:10,680
Speaker 2: what we've been pointing out that like, you don't just

712
00:42:10,719 --> 00:42:14,200
Speaker 2: because society says that you're supposed to check certain boxes

713
00:42:14,880 --> 00:42:19,239
Speaker 2: at by a certain age, that does not mean that

714
00:42:19,239 --> 00:42:24,279
Speaker 2: that is meant for you. Everybody's journey is different, and

715
00:42:25,160 --> 00:42:33,320
Speaker 2: it is truly okay to shift your priorities and change

716
00:42:33,560 --> 00:42:37,439
Speaker 2: paths if that is what is needed and right for you.

717
00:42:39,680 --> 00:42:42,960
Speaker 2: I think about like that idea that just the concept

718
00:42:43,000 --> 00:42:47,880
Speaker 2: of being flexible and adaptable, right, because light will continue

719
00:42:47,920 --> 00:42:53,520
Speaker 2: to throw you limits and what you thought was supposed

720
00:42:53,600 --> 00:42:59,279
Speaker 2: to be is not not what is And if you

721
00:42:59,560 --> 00:43:10,200
Speaker 2: don't open to change, you will struggle when those goals

722
00:43:10,239 --> 00:43:12,680
Speaker 2: that you set don't happen in the way that you

723
00:43:12,840 --> 00:43:15,439
Speaker 2: wanted to in the timeframe that you expected it.

724
00:43:15,360 --> 00:43:18,640
Speaker 1: To spot on. And I think it's important to balance

725
00:43:18,719 --> 00:43:22,400
Speaker 1: ambition with adaptability because like, we'll take those unexpected turns.

726
00:43:22,800 --> 00:43:24,759
Speaker 1: And the other thing I was going to share is that,

727
00:43:25,719 --> 00:43:28,520
Speaker 1: oh gosh, y'all, we do it just floated right away, Dan,

728
00:43:28,640 --> 00:43:30,080
Speaker 1: it's going to come back. Hold on, what was that?

729
00:43:30,680 --> 00:43:32,560
Speaker 1: Let me get like one second, y'all, because I just

730
00:43:32,560 --> 00:43:34,640
Speaker 1: want to make sure it wasn't something that was It

731
00:43:34,719 --> 00:43:38,879
Speaker 1: felt super important. We talked about goals, flexibility. I guess

732
00:43:38,880 --> 00:43:41,960
Speaker 1: it's just value progress over perfection because if it comes back,

733
00:43:42,239 --> 00:43:44,319
Speaker 1: I'll send I'll post it on Instagram, y'all at her

734
00:43:44,360 --> 00:43:46,440
Speaker 1: Space podcast. But we're going to move on to number

735
00:43:46,440 --> 00:43:48,760
Speaker 1: four for the sake of time, and that is invest

736
00:43:48,960 --> 00:43:52,279
Speaker 1: in health and wellbeing. It is so important, whether it's

737
00:43:52,320 --> 00:43:56,319
Speaker 1: through exercise, rest or diet, it's so important to prioritize

738
00:43:56,360 --> 00:43:59,399
Speaker 1: our health. And in this stage in life, when we're

739
00:43:59,400 --> 00:44:01,440
Speaker 1: supporting so many other people and we have so much

740
00:44:01,480 --> 00:44:04,279
Speaker 1: on our plate, it is crucial to pour into your

741
00:44:04,320 --> 00:44:07,439
Speaker 1: cup first. That is something I've witnessed so many Black women,

742
00:44:07,520 --> 00:44:11,160
Speaker 1: especially not do growing up, where they just gave, gave, gave,

743
00:44:11,239 --> 00:44:13,359
Speaker 1: gave to everyone else, and at the end of the day,

744
00:44:13,360 --> 00:44:15,480
Speaker 1: they didn't have anything for themselves. And I'm gonna be honest,

745
00:44:15,719 --> 00:44:18,000
Speaker 1: at the end of the day, nobody was really checking

746
00:44:18,000 --> 00:44:19,920
Speaker 1: for them because everyone was so used to being a

747
00:44:20,040 --> 00:44:22,759
Speaker 1: leech and pulling and pulling, and so the person who

748
00:44:22,800 --> 00:44:25,000
Speaker 1: was giving the most ended up getting the least from

749
00:44:25,040 --> 00:44:28,960
Speaker 1: everyone else. Y'all, Yes, we be cussing on this podcast.

750
00:44:28,960 --> 00:44:32,480
Speaker 1: Fuck all that. Fill your cup, so into yourself, for

751
00:44:32,719 --> 00:44:35,160
Speaker 1: into you, because you deserve it, and you can't show

752
00:44:35,239 --> 00:44:37,600
Speaker 1: up for other people. You can't put on their mask

753
00:44:37,680 --> 00:44:39,480
Speaker 1: if your mask is not if you didn't put on

754
00:44:39,480 --> 00:44:41,360
Speaker 1: your own mask, and you out of breath. Now, we

755
00:44:41,400 --> 00:44:43,600
Speaker 1: have to put on our mask first. And so going

756
00:44:43,640 --> 00:44:45,719
Speaker 1: into this next year or whatever, whenever you're listening to

757
00:44:45,719 --> 00:44:48,680
Speaker 1: this episode, it is never a bad time to start

758
00:44:48,719 --> 00:44:52,799
Speaker 1: pouring into you and then letting the overflow fill the

759
00:44:52,840 --> 00:44:54,240
Speaker 1: cups of the other people.

760
00:44:54,960 --> 00:44:56,880
Speaker 2: Yes, And I think what I would add on to

761
00:44:57,000 --> 00:45:01,560
Speaker 2: that is the wisdom and what people used to tell

762
00:45:01,560 --> 00:45:05,279
Speaker 2: me in my twenties that I was like whatever, and

763
00:45:05,360 --> 00:45:07,919
Speaker 2: now that I'm like, oh, yeah, I should have Yeah,

764
00:45:07,400 --> 00:45:12,160
Speaker 2: I should have listened harder. Is the idea that the

765
00:45:12,280 --> 00:45:17,480
Speaker 2: habits that you set around addressing your health and exerc

766
00:45:17,920 --> 00:45:22,560
Speaker 2: health and wellness will carry you through and make it

767
00:45:22,640 --> 00:45:27,040
Speaker 2: easier as you age, right. And it's and so I

768
00:45:27,080 --> 00:45:30,600
Speaker 2: want to be clear that it's not impossible to make

769
00:45:30,800 --> 00:45:34,719
Speaker 2: lifestyle changes regarding your health want the older you get,

770
00:45:36,200 --> 00:45:39,840
Speaker 2: but it is a hell of a lot easier if

771
00:45:40,120 --> 00:45:45,320
Speaker 2: you start those good habits while you are younger.

772
00:45:46,080 --> 00:45:46,400
Speaker 1: Yep.

773
00:45:46,719 --> 00:45:49,759
Speaker 2: Like I think about how my body has shifted and

774
00:45:49,840 --> 00:45:53,600
Speaker 2: changed since turn and forty, and I think about the

775
00:45:53,640 --> 00:45:57,640
Speaker 2: starting and stopping of the different health like exercise and

776
00:45:57,719 --> 00:46:00,680
Speaker 2: guiding and all of that that I've navigate in the

777
00:46:00,760 --> 00:46:04,160
Speaker 2: last couple of years. But a lot of how I've

778
00:46:04,200 --> 00:46:09,400
Speaker 2: been able to navigate those changes is because of habits

779
00:46:09,440 --> 00:46:14,719
Speaker 2: that I engaged in in my twenties. In my early thirties,

780
00:46:15,880 --> 00:46:19,759
Speaker 2: I had a foundation that was laid for me. I

781
00:46:19,800 --> 00:46:23,560
Speaker 2: had behaviors that I previously engaged in that I could

782
00:46:23,600 --> 00:46:28,680
Speaker 2: tap back into and so it makes it a whole

783
00:46:28,719 --> 00:46:34,520
Speaker 2: lot easier. And so prioritizing your health, going to get

784
00:46:34,560 --> 00:46:41,399
Speaker 2: those checkups, like being intentional about getting enough sleep and

785
00:46:41,520 --> 00:46:44,800
Speaker 2: watch and knowing what you eat and for your body

786
00:46:44,840 --> 00:46:48,200
Speaker 2: and for your lifestyle, like all of that is important.

787
00:46:48,280 --> 00:46:53,279
Speaker 2: Recognizing that those things do shift as you age, and

788
00:46:53,840 --> 00:46:58,040
Speaker 2: looking at what how your elders are the beauty one

789
00:46:58,080 --> 00:47:00,560
Speaker 2: of the beauties of being in this established adult phases

790
00:47:00,600 --> 00:47:04,840
Speaker 2: You still see you can see what the elders are doing,

791
00:47:05,280 --> 00:47:09,960
Speaker 2: and you still have plenty of time to make changes

792
00:47:10,719 --> 00:47:13,799
Speaker 2: so that you aren't in those health predicaments that the

793
00:47:13,840 --> 00:47:14,439
Speaker 2: elders are.

794
00:47:14,360 --> 00:47:17,960
Speaker 1: Facing spot on dom spot on.

795
00:47:18,760 --> 00:47:22,920
Speaker 2: So then that takes us to tip number five. Makes

796
00:47:23,000 --> 00:47:27,480
Speaker 2: space for community and connection. I can't stress enough the

797
00:47:27,520 --> 00:47:34,000
Speaker 2: importance of nurturing friendships that where there is some level

798
00:47:34,040 --> 00:47:40,880
Speaker 2: of reciprocity, right, and thinking about how friendships change over time,

799
00:47:41,719 --> 00:47:47,640
Speaker 2: and how your needs within friendships or community change over time.

800
00:47:48,239 --> 00:47:53,240
Speaker 2: And so I have friends like I mentioned nothing earlier

801
00:47:53,239 --> 00:47:55,839
Speaker 2: in the podcast, Like I have a friends that I've

802
00:47:55,880 --> 00:48:00,040
Speaker 2: known for almost twenty five years. I have friends that

803
00:48:00,080 --> 00:48:06,680
Speaker 2: I've known for over thirty years, right, like I think

804
00:48:06,719 --> 00:48:11,160
Speaker 2: about how I could go to them like and I

805
00:48:11,200 --> 00:48:13,799
Speaker 2: still go to them for support on certain things they

806
00:48:13,840 --> 00:48:19,120
Speaker 2: come to me. It's reciprocal, right, But I also am

807
00:48:19,160 --> 00:48:22,360
Speaker 2: aware that there are certain times, or there are certain

808
00:48:22,440 --> 00:48:27,479
Speaker 2: things that I might navigate that I can benefit from

809
00:48:27,560 --> 00:48:36,160
Speaker 2: having community who is navigating something similar. So I think

810
00:48:36,160 --> 00:48:42,080
Speaker 2: about when I was in grad school and I had

811
00:48:42,120 --> 00:48:44,359
Speaker 2: friends in grad school who were all who unders who

812
00:48:44,360 --> 00:48:47,120
Speaker 2: were in like they were in the grad school. They

813
00:48:47,120 --> 00:48:49,320
Speaker 2: were in graduate school as well, So there's a similar

814
00:48:49,400 --> 00:48:54,200
Speaker 2: experience that we're all navigating together. Right. But then I

815
00:48:54,239 --> 00:48:58,239
Speaker 2: think about when I was going through the licensing process

816
00:48:58,360 --> 00:49:01,279
Speaker 2: and how I had a couple of people in my

817
00:49:01,360 --> 00:49:07,680
Speaker 2: life who were specifically there for that purpose. And and

818
00:49:07,719 --> 00:49:11,239
Speaker 2: so then I think about like friends who may have

819
00:49:11,440 --> 00:49:19,719
Speaker 2: experienced a miscarriage, lost the like lost the spouse had,

820
00:49:20,160 --> 00:49:24,040
Speaker 2: like went through cancer. Like I think about like the

821
00:49:24,080 --> 00:49:28,840
Speaker 2: things that that that that that occur in established adulthood

822
00:49:28,840 --> 00:49:33,440
Speaker 2: of different life circumstances, and how you may need community

823
00:49:34,600 --> 00:49:38,040
Speaker 2: based on that specific life circumstance and those people come

824
00:49:38,080 --> 00:49:45,640
Speaker 2: in to help you during that season to really support

825
00:49:45,719 --> 00:49:47,160
Speaker 2: you as you navigate that thing.

826
00:49:47,840 --> 00:49:50,759
Speaker 1: Yes, you are speaking facts that are so powerful. I

827
00:49:50,760 --> 00:49:54,080
Speaker 1: would just add as well, Ladies, sometimes you know you

828
00:49:54,120 --> 00:49:56,319
Speaker 1: may have to lean into your chosen family and not

829
00:49:56,400 --> 00:49:58,760
Speaker 1: your blood family. And that's okay. I'm in the season

830
00:49:58,760 --> 00:50:01,520
Speaker 1: now building more community based on where I am in

831
00:50:01,560 --> 00:50:05,040
Speaker 1: this new season as a divorced mom of a child, Like,

832
00:50:05,080 --> 00:50:07,120
Speaker 1: there's just new things that I'm looking for because I'm

833
00:50:07,160 --> 00:50:09,279
Speaker 1: in this phase. And so it's okay if you're not

834
00:50:09,400 --> 00:50:11,560
Speaker 1: very close to your family, go out and find your

835
00:50:11,640 --> 00:50:13,759
Speaker 1: chosen family, find your people, the people that are on

836
00:50:13,800 --> 00:50:16,840
Speaker 1: the same vibration as you, and it can still be

837
00:50:16,880 --> 00:50:20,319
Speaker 1: as fulfilling. So it says this number six, lady, our

838
00:50:20,400 --> 00:50:22,320
Speaker 1: last final tip. We're going to do a quick recap

839
00:50:22,360 --> 00:50:24,440
Speaker 1: after this and then hop into the after show with

840
00:50:24,600 --> 00:50:27,239
Speaker 1: some juicy wrap up questions in the after show. But

841
00:50:27,320 --> 00:50:29,439
Speaker 1: I do want to say, y'all, I remember my thought

842
00:50:29,480 --> 00:50:32,000
Speaker 1: from earlier and it ties very well into number six.

843
00:50:32,280 --> 00:50:35,680
Speaker 1: So number six is approach failure as part of growth.

844
00:50:36,280 --> 00:50:39,719
Speaker 1: So reframe failure as a stepping stone rather than a

845
00:50:39,760 --> 00:50:42,480
Speaker 1: dead end. Right, Sometimes we fail, we're like, oh my gosh,

846
00:50:42,880 --> 00:50:44,279
Speaker 1: I guess it just wasn't meant to be. And I

847
00:50:44,320 --> 00:50:45,759
Speaker 1: know what I was going to say earlier is that

848
00:50:45,800 --> 00:50:48,440
Speaker 1: everything in God's time. I have a mantra, a couple

849
00:50:48,480 --> 00:50:50,359
Speaker 1: of mantras that I use often, and one is that

850
00:50:50,760 --> 00:50:53,400
Speaker 1: everything is working out for my good, whether I know

851
00:50:53,520 --> 00:50:56,279
Speaker 1: it now or not. And I truly believe that from

852
00:50:56,280 --> 00:50:58,160
Speaker 1: the depths of my heart and soul, and I see

853
00:50:58,200 --> 00:51:00,759
Speaker 1: it show up consistently in my life. And so there

854
00:51:00,760 --> 00:51:03,319
Speaker 1: are certain dreams and goals that I just really wanted

855
00:51:03,360 --> 00:51:05,120
Speaker 1: to manifest at a certain point in life, and they

856
00:51:05,120 --> 00:51:07,640
Speaker 1: didn't happen, and I was upset. I took it personal.

857
00:51:07,680 --> 00:51:10,120
Speaker 1: I was like, oh, it's me. And now years later,

858
00:51:10,160 --> 00:51:12,160
Speaker 1: I'm like, I am so grateful that that thing did

859
00:51:12,200 --> 00:51:14,680
Speaker 1: not happen. And so if you believe that everything is

860
00:51:14,719 --> 00:51:17,360
Speaker 1: working out for your good, know that when things align

861
00:51:17,400 --> 00:51:20,319
Speaker 1: and it works out, it's your time. Because I don't

862
00:51:20,360 --> 00:51:22,920
Speaker 1: think any of us want to step into our destiny

863
00:51:22,960 --> 00:51:25,920
Speaker 1: prematurely right or get the microphone, and we don't have

864
00:51:25,960 --> 00:51:29,480
Speaker 1: anything to say or be elevated, and we're not prepared.

865
00:51:29,520 --> 00:51:32,719
Speaker 1: And so if we grind out now and show up

866
00:51:32,719 --> 00:51:35,320
Speaker 1: for ourselves in private, when we are in public, whatever

867
00:51:35,320 --> 00:51:37,480
Speaker 1: that looks like for us, we'll be ready for it.

868
00:51:37,560 --> 00:51:39,840
Speaker 1: So see failure as a part of your growth and

869
00:51:39,880 --> 00:51:41,640
Speaker 1: as a stepping stone. And really, I don't even like

870
00:51:41,680 --> 00:51:44,200
Speaker 1: to call it failure. It's just a lesson and it's

871
00:51:44,239 --> 00:51:46,640
Speaker 1: an opportunity for you to see, Okay, that didn't work,

872
00:51:46,719 --> 00:51:48,320
Speaker 1: let me go try something else, right.

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00:51:48,960 --> 00:51:52,520
Speaker 2: Yes, yes, I love that, and so let's do a

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00:51:52,560 --> 00:51:59,799
Speaker 2: quick recap. Okay, So these seven tips for navigating established adulthood.

875
00:52:00,520 --> 00:52:05,879
Speaker 2: Number one, embrace personal growth and identity ships. Number two,

876
00:52:06,400 --> 00:52:14,160
Speaker 2: set intentional boundaries. Number three, develop a flexible relationship with goals.

877
00:52:14,800 --> 00:52:19,960
Speaker 2: Number four, invest in your health and well being. Number five,

878
00:52:20,440 --> 00:52:25,320
Speaker 2: make space for community and connection. And number six approach

879
00:52:25,400 --> 00:52:27,960
Speaker 2: failure as a part of growth. And I know at

880
00:52:28,000 --> 00:52:29,799
Speaker 2: the top of this I said seven tips, and so

881
00:52:29,880 --> 00:52:36,280
Speaker 2: tip number seven is live your best life period.

882
00:52:36,520 --> 00:52:38,120
Speaker 1: All right, lady, we'll catch you on the after show

883
00:52:38,120 --> 00:52:40,480
Speaker 1: to talk over these questions and somewhere behind the scenes

884
00:52:40,520 --> 00:52:42,280
Speaker 1: content See you there.

885
00:52:43,960 --> 00:52:47,759
Speaker 2: Hey, lady's doctor dom here from the Cultivating her Space podcast.

886
00:52:48,719 --> 00:52:51,680
Speaker 2: Are you currently a resident of the state of California

887
00:52:52,360 --> 00:52:57,440
Speaker 2: in contemplating starting your therapy journey? Well, if so, please

888
00:52:57,480 --> 00:53:01,320
Speaker 2: reach out to me at doctor Dominique Brustar dot com.

889
00:53:01,800 --> 00:53:06,640
Speaker 2: That's d R D O M I N I q

890
00:53:06,960 --> 00:53:12,360
Speaker 2: U E b R O U ss AR d dot

891
00:53:12,400 --> 00:53:17,319
Speaker 2: com to schedule a free fifteen minute consultation. I look

892
00:53:17,360 --> 00:53:21,880
Speaker 2: forward to hearing from you. Thanks for joining us today.

893
00:53:22,880 --> 00:53:28,360
Speaker 2: Please note that our show may contain conversations about self help, advice,

894
00:53:29,000 --> 00:53:33,240
Speaker 2: self empowerment, and mental health, but is by no means

895
00:53:33,440 --> 00:53:37,120
Speaker 2: meant to be a substitute for an ongoing formal relationship

896
00:53:37,440 --> 00:53:41,200
Speaker 2: with a trained mental health provider. If you are someone

897
00:53:41,239 --> 00:53:44,600
Speaker 2: you know is in need of mental health care, please

898
00:53:44,680 --> 00:53:49,839
Speaker 2: visit a Therapy for Black Girls directory Psychology today or

899
00:53:49,880 --> 00:53:51,560
Speaker 2: contact your insurance provider.

900
00:53:51,920 --> 00:53:53,600
Speaker 1: If you liked what you heard and want to keep

901
00:53:53,600 --> 00:53:57,720
Speaker 1: the conversation going, visit our website at herspacepodcast dot com

902
00:53:57,960 --> 00:53:59,920
Speaker 1: and be sure to click the Patreon link to get

903
00:54:00,120 --> 00:54:03,919
Speaker 1: access to video content, bonuses, and our weekly after show

904
00:54:04,520 --> 00:54:08,440
Speaker 1: and before we meet again, repeat after me. I am

905
00:54:08,480 --> 00:54:15,279
Speaker 1: a magnet for positivity, attracting joy, love and success effortlessly