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Speaker 1: It's the radio segment that wants to make a small

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Speaker 1: change to the Miss America pageant and only allow orphans

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Speaker 1: to participate.

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Speaker 2: What that way the.

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Speaker 1: Broadcast get cuts in half because they don't have as

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Speaker 1: many people to think at the end, no siblings, just

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Speaker 1: get in, get crowned, get out. I was waiting for

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Speaker 1: the punchline because I'm like, it's gonna get better.

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Speaker 3: It got worse.

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Speaker 1: Yeah, you don't support orphans. It's Laser Stories, the segment

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Speaker 1: where we read weird news stories around.

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Speaker 2: The globe, just like everyone else does, except we've got

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Speaker 2: a laser. Those other solo sashers just don't.

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Speaker 1: This first laser story is out of Tensed, Idaho.

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Speaker 2: Is that of a town there?

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Speaker 3: Well, obviously if you're reading.

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Speaker 4: It, your from Idaho, so I know, But I don't

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Speaker 4: know every town in the whole state.

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Speaker 3: Job yikes, not sorry, they didn't cover that in the

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Speaker 3: state history in fourth grade.

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Speaker 1: Well, out of Idaho, a fifty year old woman named

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Speaker 1: Helen Stolker crashed her car into a deer the other day,

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Speaker 1: And when.

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Speaker 3: It happens in every town, Jeff for sure.

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Speaker 1: When cops got there, she told them exactly what happened,

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Speaker 1: because it wasn't her fault.

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Speaker 3: Yeah, it was the deer's fault. I'm sure it jumped out.

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Speaker 1: Nope, she blamed Bigfoot the deer.

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Speaker 2: At her well.

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Speaker 1: Apparently, as she was driving she noticed something out of

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Speaker 1: the corner of her eye. Bigfoot chasing some deer over

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Speaker 1: on the side of the road.

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Speaker 2: WHOA, I wonder how he does hunt? Does just run

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Speaker 2: him down?

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Speaker 3: Did he tackle? I thought he was a vegetarian for

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Speaker 3: some reason. Oh no, yeah, I thought he was a

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Speaker 3: plant eating guy.

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Speaker 1: He doesn't have claws.

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Speaker 2: He goes like the soup plantation.

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Speaker 1: I'm sure when she looked in her rear view mirror

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Speaker 1: to watch him, she took her eyes off the street.

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Speaker 2: And hit the deer.

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Speaker 1: Sadly, Helen's description of the beast was pretty vague, saying

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Speaker 1: the creature was about seven or eight feet tall, with

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Speaker 1: hairy feet, hands in head, and shockingly, the cops weren't

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Speaker 1: able to track him down. Suck.

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Speaker 4: I bet that that town put all their resources into

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Speaker 4: it for at least three.

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Speaker 3: Days, though he should. I mean, what else have they

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Speaker 3: got going on?

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Speaker 1: As far as we know, she wasn't hurting the crash. Afterwards,

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Speaker 1: the county sheriff commented saying he's fine with Bigfoot lumbering

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Speaker 1: around the woods and terrorizing squirrels, but if he's making

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Speaker 1: people's car insurance rates go up, then that's gonna be

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Speaker 1: a big problem.

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Speaker 2: That's not going to be covered up. Get your act together.

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Speaker 1: This next Lazer story is out of Sullivan County, Tennessee.

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Speaker 1: A fifty six year old woman named Deborah Lingerfeldt lives

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Speaker 1: in a rural area and last week she got mad

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Speaker 1: at her neighbors for their music.

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Speaker 3: Come down.

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Speaker 2: She yelled at them, quote, that is duck music. So

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Speaker 2: how would you like me to come over there and

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Speaker 2: duck you in the face.

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Speaker 1: No what duck music gave me either, no clue what

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Speaker 1: dunck music is or how you would duck someone in

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Speaker 1: the face.

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Speaker 4: I imagine the music having a lot of trombones for

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Speaker 4: some reason, feels pretty ducky to me.

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Speaker 1: Whatever it is, clearly it all made sense to Deborah,

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Speaker 1: and she was ready to act on her threat. That's

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Speaker 1: why she went into her house, grabbed her gun and

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Speaker 1: fired off eight shots.

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Speaker 3: That's right, Oh my god.

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Speaker 2: Fortunately none of them hit anything.

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Speaker 1: And then she pulled out her harmonica and started playing it,

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Speaker 1: apparently to show her neighbors.

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Speaker 2: What good music sounded like?

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Speaker 3: Get the band, Joe pot.

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Speaker 1: Ten minutes later, cop showed up and arrested her for

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Speaker 1: aggravated assaults.

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Speaker 2: No word on if they let her bring her harmonica

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Speaker 2: to jail, but I'm hoping that they did. I think

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Speaker 2: they had person have a harmonica.

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Speaker 3: It's a pocket instrument. It feels like it's fine.

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Speaker 1: At the prison needs more Duck music, that's for sure.

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Speaker 1: This next Slazer story is out of Beverage Bay, the

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Speaker 1: indoor water park chain Great Wolf Lodge just announced a

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Speaker 1: new man item that's raising some eyebrows. It's for a

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Speaker 1: limited time. They'll be selling a ranch milkshake creamy.

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Speaker 3: And you're gonna enjoy it and.

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Speaker 1: The Great Wolf Lodge, as you can imagine, people are

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Speaker 1: generally horrified.

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Speaker 3: Yeah, it looks like a vanilla milkshake with a lot

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Speaker 3: of green specks.

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Speaker 1: The concoction is vanilla ice cream blended together with ranch

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Speaker 1: dressing and then topped with whipped cream, carrots, celery, and

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Speaker 1: a piece of crispy chicken.

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Speaker 2: Ah God, why.

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Speaker 4: Would they just give their recipe out for anybody to

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Speaker 4: make it home?

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Speaker 1: The rim because I'm not done. The rim is lined

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Speaker 1: with a lime salt as well.

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Speaker 3: The green stuff on the road to top.

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Speaker 2: Off the already salty, sweet and ranchy treat.

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Speaker 3: What alexis you don't want to throw some rum in there?

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Speaker 4: There?

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Speaker 3: I'm going to go tis. Yeah.

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Speaker 1: Well, the big question we're not asking how does it taste?

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Speaker 1: They say it has a front forward vanilla flavor with

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Speaker 1: savory herbs and spices.

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Speaker 2: To kick up the after tips.

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Speaker 1: Oh my god, it's being released in honor of National

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Speaker 1: Ranch Day next week. The shake will only be available

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Speaker 1: to March twentieth, and it'll set you back three dollars

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Speaker 1: and ten cents.

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Speaker 3: They only need to have like one packet a ranch stock.

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Speaker 1: Yeah. Person, what kind of white women are you not

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Speaker 1: supporting ranch in all of its forms?

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Speaker 3: That's because it's not mixed with more mayonnaise.

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Speaker 1: Okay, get on a great wolf watch Mayo ranch.

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Speaker 4: Maybe we could do a tuna milkshake next, beautiful.

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Speaker 2: Yeah, we've got the ideas.

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Speaker 1: Let's go to your final laser story out of.

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Speaker 2: Pucker Up Paradise.

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Speaker 1: If you were asked how many people have you kissed

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Speaker 1: in your lifetime?

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Speaker 3: Wait, people have a count?

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Speaker 2: Yeah, would you know the answer right away?

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Speaker 1: Would it take a minute to figure out or would

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Speaker 1: it be so impossible because, like Brook, your twenties were

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Speaker 1: a little hazyohe should I.

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Speaker 3: Loved kissing people in bars. I just loved it.

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Speaker 2: Nice if they loved it back.

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Speaker 3: But any of them just turn around and kiss me.

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Speaker 2: Well.

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Speaker 1: A recent survey asked over six thousand people to reveal

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Speaker 1: their kissing stats. And this is for a romantic kissing

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Speaker 1: only platonic kisses do not count.

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Speaker 3: Oh that's good.

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Speaker 2: Here's the results.

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Speaker 1: Kissing five to ten people was the most popular answer

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Speaker 1: by far.

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Speaker 4: What twenty only kissing five frogs before they find their

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Speaker 4: forever one?

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Speaker 1: Oh?

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Speaker 2: Not everybody finds it foreverone. Some people jump right to

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Speaker 2: the prince and don't even bother kissing.

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Speaker 4: I'm going to tell you you need a larger sample

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Speaker 4: size to figure out what's good.

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Speaker 2: I don't know if this is good advice.

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Speaker 3: Yeah it is.

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Speaker 1: I really kiss them all all right again?

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Speaker 3: You're just kissing Jeff was a big deal? Every next year?

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Speaker 3: Right now, turn and kiss them? Yes?

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Speaker 1: Over twenty percent claimed that was their number five to

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Speaker 1: ten across their lifetime.

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Speaker 2: Nineteen percent of.

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Speaker 1: Pece will say they've kissed two to four people over

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Speaker 1: their lives. Yes, Max, Some people have like self respect

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Speaker 1: and don't just throw themselves at every moving thing.

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Speaker 3: Self respect.

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Speaker 4: It's fun, Jeff, live life, get out there, make out

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Speaker 4: with people.

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Speaker 2: Maybe just make out with the same person a bunch

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Speaker 2: of times.

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Speaker 3: God boring you for that. Okay.

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Speaker 2: Twelve percent say they've kissed. This will make you happy.

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Speaker 2: Twenty six or more people.

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Speaker 4: Yes, I mean it's just kissing, so they get pregnant

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Speaker 4: from kissing.

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Speaker 2: Okay, we got it.

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Speaker 1: So Scientifically speaking, around one in six people are getting

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Speaker 1: busy with their mouths. Five percent say they've only kissed

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Speaker 1: one person their entire life. Yeah, and three percent have

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Speaker 1: kissed zero.

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Speaker 4: Those are the people ordering Ranch milkshakes to give them

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Speaker 4: some excitement in their mouths.

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Speaker 1: As for this guy, he normally doesn't like to play

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Speaker 1: tonsil hockey and tell, but if.

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Speaker 2: You're curious, he will tell you. He's made out with

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Speaker 2: over twenty six Adidas high.

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Speaker 1: Tops and that's just since breakfast this morning. He's gone

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Speaker 1: tongue to toe and that sown means Laser Stories has

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Speaker 1: come to an end for the day.

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Speaker 2: We'll do it again, same time on Friday,