1 00:00:04,559 --> 00:00:07,960 Speaker 1: Hello everybody, I'm Jemma Spake and welcome back to the 2 00:00:07,960 --> 00:00:11,280 Speaker 1: Psychology of Your Twenties, the podcast where we talk through 3 00:00:11,320 --> 00:00:16,000 Speaker 1: the biggest changes, moments, and transitions of our twenties and 4 00:00:16,040 --> 00:00:25,320 Speaker 1: what they mean for our psychology. Hello everybody, Welcome back 5 00:00:25,360 --> 00:00:28,200 Speaker 1: to the show. Welcome back to the podcast. It is 6 00:00:28,200 --> 00:00:31,080 Speaker 1: so great to have you here, back for another episode. 7 00:00:31,280 --> 00:00:35,360 Speaker 1: I am very excited for this episode because I think 8 00:00:35,360 --> 00:00:38,040 Speaker 1: it's something that a lot of us are going to 9 00:00:38,120 --> 00:00:44,080 Speaker 1: find relevant and very revealing. Today we are talking about 10 00:00:44,320 --> 00:00:49,360 Speaker 1: serial monogamy or relationship popping. I think it is safe 11 00:00:49,400 --> 00:00:52,839 Speaker 1: to say we have all had We all know that 12 00:00:52,920 --> 00:00:58,320 Speaker 1: one person, that one friend who seemingly cannot stay single 13 00:00:59,280 --> 00:01:02,080 Speaker 1: for any pece period of time, who's always in a relationship. 14 00:01:02,640 --> 00:01:05,720 Speaker 1: We all have encountered that person in our dating lives 15 00:01:05,720 --> 00:01:10,559 Speaker 1: who maybe wants something suspiciously fast despite having just gone 16 00:01:10,560 --> 00:01:14,440 Speaker 1: through a breakup. Somebody who really seems to be hell 17 00:01:14,480 --> 00:01:19,319 Speaker 1: bent on finding a relationship after only just ending one 18 00:01:19,680 --> 00:01:25,200 Speaker 1: very very previously, very shortly before. Maybe you are that person. 19 00:01:25,880 --> 00:01:29,640 Speaker 1: This is what we're talking about today, relationship popping, This 20 00:01:30,319 --> 00:01:36,720 Speaker 1: situation phenomena where somebody jumps quickly from relationship to relationship 21 00:01:37,160 --> 00:01:42,760 Speaker 1: without really leaving any time for emotional processing, for healing, 22 00:01:43,240 --> 00:01:46,640 Speaker 1: for self reflection. It's not simply going on a few 23 00:01:46,720 --> 00:01:49,360 Speaker 1: dates after a bad breakup or meeting a new person 24 00:01:49,840 --> 00:01:54,800 Speaker 1: kind of serendipitously after a bad breakup. We've all done it, well, 25 00:01:54,840 --> 00:01:57,120 Speaker 1: I think had those moments where well, maybe not all 26 00:01:57,160 --> 00:01:59,960 Speaker 1: of us, but I think it's pretty normal to sometimes 27 00:02:00,160 --> 00:02:02,800 Speaker 1: have those moments where a relationship ends and you happen 28 00:02:02,840 --> 00:02:06,840 Speaker 1: to find somebody really amazing pretty soon after. What we 29 00:02:06,920 --> 00:02:11,639 Speaker 1: are talking about instead is this pattern of quickly needing 30 00:02:12,560 --> 00:02:20,120 Speaker 1: emotionally significant relationships to follow each other very much, needing exclusivity, 31 00:02:20,840 --> 00:02:23,440 Speaker 1: needing a partner in your life, often having very little 32 00:02:23,480 --> 00:02:28,400 Speaker 1: space in between the people you date. Before we let 33 00:02:28,480 --> 00:02:31,560 Speaker 1: our minds assume that this is a personality flaw, I 34 00:02:31,600 --> 00:02:34,919 Speaker 1: have got to remind you this isn't necessarily bad. Like 35 00:02:34,960 --> 00:02:40,680 Speaker 1: I said, some people genuinely thrive in partnership. They date intentionally, 36 00:02:40,800 --> 00:02:44,960 Speaker 1: perhaps for religious or personal reasons, and that's fine. But 37 00:02:45,040 --> 00:02:47,760 Speaker 1: the question is what do you lose when you do that, 38 00:02:47,960 --> 00:02:52,760 Speaker 1: if anything? And why do some people feel almost unable 39 00:02:52,800 --> 00:02:57,119 Speaker 1: to be single whereas other people avoid relationships entirely? What 40 00:02:57,320 --> 00:03:00,680 Speaker 1: is that human difference that makes people go either of 41 00:03:00,720 --> 00:03:03,959 Speaker 1: those ways. So let's start with I guess some basics, 42 00:03:04,040 --> 00:03:07,000 Speaker 1: not so much a definition, but some parameters around what 43 00:03:07,200 --> 00:03:11,720 Speaker 1: makes somebody a serial monogamist. There is no definition. I 44 00:03:11,840 --> 00:03:14,960 Speaker 1: personally think you could label yourself or somebody you know 45 00:03:15,520 --> 00:03:19,120 Speaker 1: as a serial monogamist when they consistently leave less than 46 00:03:19,120 --> 00:03:23,519 Speaker 1: three months between significant relationships, or they consistently leave less 47 00:03:23,520 --> 00:03:27,760 Speaker 1: than three months between leaving a relationship and actively seeking 48 00:03:27,800 --> 00:03:31,480 Speaker 1: out another committed relationship. This is not just a one off, 49 00:03:31,760 --> 00:03:34,360 Speaker 1: it's not just a long time coming after a breakup, 50 00:03:34,800 --> 00:03:37,880 Speaker 1: and it's not just rebound relationships after This is sort 51 00:03:38,480 --> 00:03:43,120 Speaker 1: out commitment. A rebound relationship, you know, a rebound relationship 52 00:03:43,160 --> 00:03:45,720 Speaker 1: is usually just a single event, and I think it's 53 00:03:45,800 --> 00:03:49,520 Speaker 1: usually just about distraction, right, It's partly about soothing, it's 54 00:03:49,520 --> 00:03:53,560 Speaker 1: partly about proving you're desirable. It's partly about feeling like 55 00:03:53,640 --> 00:03:56,120 Speaker 1: you need to do the things that single people do 56 00:03:56,320 --> 00:03:59,440 Speaker 1: after being in a relationship for a while. Sometimes it's 57 00:03:59,480 --> 00:04:01,800 Speaker 1: just about a new connection, but you kind of know 58 00:04:01,840 --> 00:04:06,080 Speaker 1: with rebound relationships they're not gonna last. Relationship hopping, though, 59 00:04:06,480 --> 00:04:10,640 Speaker 1: is seeking relationships that will be something meaningful for you, 60 00:04:11,440 --> 00:04:15,880 Speaker 1: and it's this state emotional state where being single is 61 00:04:15,880 --> 00:04:20,880 Speaker 1: like completely intolerable and you really do require a relationship 62 00:04:20,960 --> 00:04:25,880 Speaker 1: for emotional stability, a sense of emotional and self centeredness, 63 00:04:25,920 --> 00:04:29,600 Speaker 1: not self centeredness in like the egotistical way, but like 64 00:04:30,200 --> 00:04:34,240 Speaker 1: self stability in a way, and you don't know who 65 00:04:34,240 --> 00:04:36,200 Speaker 1: you are or what to do without it. Again, this 66 00:04:36,320 --> 00:04:38,640 Speaker 1: isn't some moral flaw or something that you should be 67 00:04:38,680 --> 00:04:41,440 Speaker 1: ashamed of, but you should be aware of it because 68 00:04:41,480 --> 00:04:45,520 Speaker 1: maybe it is causing you to make rash dating or 69 00:04:45,560 --> 00:04:49,000 Speaker 1: relationship decisions you otherwise wouldn't. And I honestly think that 70 00:04:49,279 --> 00:04:52,560 Speaker 1: most of the time, at its minimum, at its lowest, 71 00:04:53,000 --> 00:04:56,440 Speaker 1: it is causing you to miss out on the deep, 72 00:04:56,680 --> 00:05:00,400 Speaker 1: deep self discovery that you get from being alone for while, 73 00:05:01,000 --> 00:05:06,120 Speaker 1: and the privilege that you get from being single, especially 74 00:05:06,200 --> 00:05:09,039 Speaker 1: during your twenties. So a big question you may be 75 00:05:09,120 --> 00:05:11,440 Speaker 1: asking is again, why am I like this? Why are 76 00:05:11,520 --> 00:05:15,200 Speaker 1: some people like this? This is where attachment theory comes in, 77 00:05:15,279 --> 00:05:17,599 Speaker 1: but not as you know it without giving you like 78 00:05:17,640 --> 00:05:21,200 Speaker 1: the whole rundown of all the different attachment styles, because 79 00:05:21,200 --> 00:05:23,240 Speaker 1: I feel like that's been done to death. Let me 80 00:05:23,320 --> 00:05:26,520 Speaker 1: just say this attachment is essentially just your unique blueprint 81 00:05:26,960 --> 00:05:29,960 Speaker 1: for how you respond to closeness, how you respond to love, 82 00:05:30,440 --> 00:05:33,440 Speaker 1: how you respond to uncertainty, and how you respond to 83 00:05:33,480 --> 00:05:39,080 Speaker 1: emotional threats inside and outside of relationships. People with anxious 84 00:05:39,080 --> 00:05:43,960 Speaker 1: attachment styles are often more likely to be serial monogamous. 85 00:05:44,800 --> 00:05:49,279 Speaker 1: We know that's probably because they struggle. They struggle with 86 00:05:49,320 --> 00:05:51,320 Speaker 1: the fear of abandonment. They struggle with the idea that 87 00:05:51,360 --> 00:05:55,159 Speaker 1: somebody could leave them, So having a label is really comforting. 88 00:05:55,560 --> 00:05:59,120 Speaker 1: But another influential idea coming from these researchers in the eighties, 89 00:05:59,120 --> 00:06:02,280 Speaker 1: their names were Cassidy go Back. Basically, what they thought 90 00:06:02,440 --> 00:06:07,920 Speaker 1: was that anxious attach people they often use hyper activating 91 00:06:07,920 --> 00:06:13,640 Speaker 1: strategies to sell sooth, whereas avoidant people use underactivating strategies 92 00:06:13,640 --> 00:06:17,440 Speaker 1: to self sooth. So essentially, people who are anxious make 93 00:06:17,480 --> 00:06:21,920 Speaker 1: themselves feel better by turning up the volume and turning 94 00:06:22,000 --> 00:06:27,279 Speaker 1: up the intensity of a relationship reassurance seeking, forcing urgency, 95 00:06:27,440 --> 00:06:31,640 Speaker 1: forcing proximity, putting more focus on the relationship as a 96 00:06:31,720 --> 00:06:35,719 Speaker 1: solution to their discomfort, whereas people who are avoidant want 97 00:06:35,760 --> 00:06:41,600 Speaker 1: to turn all of that down, seeking proximity, seeking deep intimacy, 98 00:06:43,000 --> 00:06:45,920 Speaker 1: sometimes with whoever comes through the door first. It is 99 00:06:45,960 --> 00:06:52,040 Speaker 1: a self regulating strategy. Because when we feel dangerous or 100 00:06:52,080 --> 00:06:55,560 Speaker 1: we feel uncertain about the future, when we feel uncertain 101 00:06:55,600 --> 00:06:59,480 Speaker 1: about whether we'll find love again, whether we'll be lonely, 102 00:06:59,520 --> 00:07:04,239 Speaker 1: whether we'll be whether we'll find peace, it's very easy 103 00:07:04,279 --> 00:07:08,120 Speaker 1: to put off thinking those things. If you have somebody 104 00:07:08,160 --> 00:07:09,840 Speaker 1: in your life, you can say, oh, look at this, 105 00:07:10,240 --> 00:07:13,080 Speaker 1: I've got this person, this person who cares about me. 106 00:07:13,120 --> 00:07:16,680 Speaker 1: I must be doing something right. That is why some 107 00:07:16,760 --> 00:07:20,840 Speaker 1: people feel safest when they have a partner, because it 108 00:07:20,880 --> 00:07:23,760 Speaker 1: feels like something in their life is going right. It 109 00:07:23,800 --> 00:07:27,280 Speaker 1: feels like they're doing something that society approves of. It 110 00:07:27,360 --> 00:07:31,400 Speaker 1: feels like then it represents to them that they have 111 00:07:31,480 --> 00:07:34,000 Speaker 1: a place to go home to, they have somebody who 112 00:07:34,080 --> 00:07:37,360 Speaker 1: cares about them, and they have been chosen. So there's 113 00:07:37,360 --> 00:07:41,880 Speaker 1: this whole mix of things bubbling up, anxiety, self esteem, 114 00:07:42,120 --> 00:07:49,080 Speaker 1: self worth, nervous system regulation, attachment. The irony of relationship hopping, though, 115 00:07:49,520 --> 00:07:53,800 Speaker 1: is that I think ironically we think people who are 116 00:07:53,800 --> 00:07:56,880 Speaker 1: in relationships must be secure, and those who are out 117 00:07:56,880 --> 00:07:59,920 Speaker 1: of them must be have something wrong with their attachment style. 118 00:08:00,320 --> 00:08:03,920 Speaker 1: But people who are always in relationships are sometimes the 119 00:08:04,040 --> 00:08:10,520 Speaker 1: most anxious and disorganized people internally. Being partnered doesn't automatically 120 00:08:10,560 --> 00:08:15,040 Speaker 1: equal emotional safety or emotional maturity. It can sometimes just 121 00:08:15,080 --> 00:08:19,080 Speaker 1: be that we have this coping strategy of seeking emotional 122 00:08:19,120 --> 00:08:23,120 Speaker 1: closeness with others. That means, you know, from the outside, 123 00:08:23,120 --> 00:08:26,080 Speaker 1: it always seems like everything's going well. It always seems 124 00:08:26,120 --> 00:08:28,400 Speaker 1: like we've got somebody who cares about us and loves us, 125 00:08:28,440 --> 00:08:31,680 Speaker 1: and you know, we must be we must be the shit, 126 00:08:31,680 --> 00:08:34,160 Speaker 1: We must be pretty great. But the thing is is 127 00:08:34,200 --> 00:08:36,800 Speaker 1: that those relationships, and I'm not going to speak for 128 00:08:36,840 --> 00:08:40,320 Speaker 1: your experiences, just from what I've seen, those relationships are 129 00:08:40,360 --> 00:08:44,760 Speaker 1: often quite shallow because real vulnerability and real connection, like 130 00:08:44,800 --> 00:08:48,280 Speaker 1: we know this, you know this, It takes time, and 131 00:08:48,360 --> 00:08:53,120 Speaker 1: it takes difficult things to bond, to bond people together. 132 00:08:54,160 --> 00:08:58,440 Speaker 1: It's awkward. Real vulnerability is actually really awkward because it 133 00:08:58,440 --> 00:09:03,280 Speaker 1: involves risk, the risk of reaching out to somebody and 134 00:09:03,320 --> 00:09:07,640 Speaker 1: then rejecting you. It involves the risk of being chosen 135 00:09:07,679 --> 00:09:11,880 Speaker 1: and being safe and being loved and then maybe somebody 136 00:09:11,880 --> 00:09:14,280 Speaker 1: turning around and not feeling those same things towards you, 137 00:09:14,640 --> 00:09:17,319 Speaker 1: and you know, just kind of knowing that, knowing that's 138 00:09:17,360 --> 00:09:22,680 Speaker 1: a possibility, and still trusting them, especially in those early stages, 139 00:09:22,840 --> 00:09:25,840 Speaker 1: especially when you're first getting to know somebody. Now, if 140 00:09:25,920 --> 00:09:28,280 Speaker 1: you are somebody who is very anxious and has a 141 00:09:28,320 --> 00:09:33,000 Speaker 1: deep rooted fear of rejection or abandonment, those early, those 142 00:09:33,080 --> 00:09:38,760 Speaker 1: early days, those early stages of risk and vulnerability and uncertainty, 143 00:09:39,240 --> 00:09:42,800 Speaker 1: that can be unbearable. It can be unbearable to like 144 00:09:43,200 --> 00:09:46,880 Speaker 1: your self esteem and to your sense of emotional safety. 145 00:09:47,280 --> 00:09:51,320 Speaker 1: So instead you chase that artificial closeness. You chase the 146 00:09:51,360 --> 00:09:55,520 Speaker 1: closeness that is created by structure, and created by proximity, 147 00:09:55,960 --> 00:10:00,880 Speaker 1: and created by a label, and created by far commitment 148 00:10:01,000 --> 00:10:06,600 Speaker 1: and fast enmeshment and fast emotional intimacy rather than just 149 00:10:06,679 --> 00:10:10,960 Speaker 1: sometimes letting things happen naturally. And it's not manipulative. This 150 00:10:11,040 --> 00:10:14,920 Speaker 1: isn't a character flaw. It's self protection. It's the logic 151 00:10:14,960 --> 00:10:18,800 Speaker 1: of thinking, if I make this official really quickly, if 152 00:10:18,840 --> 00:10:23,079 Speaker 1: I lock this person down fast, I'll be safe. If 153 00:10:23,360 --> 00:10:24,800 Speaker 1: you know who cares. If I just met this person 154 00:10:24,840 --> 00:10:27,160 Speaker 1: three weeks ago, a week ago, if they're my partner 155 00:10:27,640 --> 00:10:29,640 Speaker 1: and they have that label, then they can't they can't 156 00:10:29,679 --> 00:10:32,800 Speaker 1: leave me. That's one more barrier to them walking out 157 00:10:32,800 --> 00:10:35,600 Speaker 1: of me like the last person did, or this relationship 158 00:10:35,640 --> 00:10:39,559 Speaker 1: crumbling like the last one did. Really, I think sometimes 159 00:10:39,840 --> 00:10:42,800 Speaker 1: relationship hopping is really just a way of avoiding the 160 00:10:42,880 --> 00:10:46,600 Speaker 1: grief associated with past hurt. You know, think about what 161 00:10:46,640 --> 00:10:49,520 Speaker 1: happens after a breakup. You're gonna feel something, You have 162 00:10:49,559 --> 00:10:56,400 Speaker 1: to feel something, pain, betrayal, longing, anger, and there's often 163 00:10:56,440 --> 00:10:59,679 Speaker 1: this quiet period that really demands we sit with ourselves 164 00:11:00,240 --> 00:11:03,480 Speaker 1: and let ourselves be confronted with really big emotional questions 165 00:11:04,200 --> 00:11:07,000 Speaker 1: that kind of suck to answer, but questions like who 166 00:11:07,000 --> 00:11:10,360 Speaker 1: am outside of this relationship? What do I do with 167 00:11:10,400 --> 00:11:13,920 Speaker 1: my evenings now? Why didn't this work out? Well? Happens 168 00:11:13,960 --> 00:11:16,720 Speaker 1: if I don't find somebody? Better? What happens if I 169 00:11:16,720 --> 00:11:21,720 Speaker 1: don't find somebody? Period? And for you know, a period 170 00:11:21,760 --> 00:11:23,680 Speaker 1: of time, we don't know the answer to those questions. 171 00:11:24,040 --> 00:11:26,040 Speaker 1: We don't know who we are outside of a relationship. 172 00:11:26,080 --> 00:11:28,240 Speaker 1: We don't know for certain if we're going to be okay, 173 00:11:28,600 --> 00:11:30,679 Speaker 1: if we're going to find somebody we like as much 174 00:11:30,679 --> 00:11:34,000 Speaker 1: as that last person. So sometimes it's a lot easier 175 00:11:34,400 --> 00:11:38,880 Speaker 1: to turn all of that inward focus outwards because it 176 00:11:38,920 --> 00:11:42,320 Speaker 1: doesn't require you to answer any of those questions. Being 177 00:11:42,360 --> 00:11:45,760 Speaker 1: in a relationship answers those questions for you. Who am 178 00:11:45,800 --> 00:11:48,200 Speaker 1: I outside of this relationship? Doesn't matter. I've got this 179 00:11:48,200 --> 00:11:50,559 Speaker 1: new relationship. What do I do with my evenings now 180 00:11:50,640 --> 00:11:52,960 Speaker 1: doesn't matter. I've got this person, I spend it with them. 181 00:11:53,600 --> 00:11:56,160 Speaker 1: You know why didn't it work out? Well, this relationship 182 00:11:56,200 --> 00:11:58,480 Speaker 1: is working out. Will I ever find somebody better? Well, look, 183 00:11:58,520 --> 00:12:02,400 Speaker 1: I just did. Relationships give you a role. They give 184 00:12:02,400 --> 00:12:04,240 Speaker 1: you something to they give you answers, they give you 185 00:12:04,280 --> 00:12:06,480 Speaker 1: something to pour your energy into. They give you a 186 00:12:06,520 --> 00:12:10,760 Speaker 1: guaranteed plan, a guaranteed sense of self worth, and a 187 00:12:10,840 --> 00:12:12,920 Speaker 1: sense that you've been picked. And I get it. It's 188 00:12:12,920 --> 00:12:17,680 Speaker 1: absolutely terrifying when you have that designated relationship free time, 189 00:12:18,280 --> 00:12:20,319 Speaker 1: especially if it's the first time in your life you've 190 00:12:20,320 --> 00:12:22,959 Speaker 1: truly been single. You're not used to spending this time 191 00:12:23,000 --> 00:12:26,599 Speaker 1: focusing on you and what you actually want in life, 192 00:12:26,840 --> 00:12:31,800 Speaker 1: and so a relationship becomes a way of filling those 193 00:12:31,880 --> 00:12:35,040 Speaker 1: holes or those gaps in your self confidence and your 194 00:12:35,040 --> 00:12:38,320 Speaker 1: self esteem. There's this whole theory about this from the 195 00:12:38,440 --> 00:12:42,680 Speaker 1: nineties which basically says, I think it's called sociomedia theory, 196 00:12:42,720 --> 00:12:48,240 Speaker 1: socioma sociomedia, sociomedia theory. Sorry I tripped over my words there, 197 00:12:48,600 --> 00:12:52,840 Speaker 1: but it essentially says that when somebody really ties their 198 00:12:52,840 --> 00:12:55,960 Speaker 1: sense of self worth to external things. The loss of 199 00:12:56,000 --> 00:13:01,079 Speaker 1: such external things can feel much more painful than if 200 00:13:01,080 --> 00:13:05,720 Speaker 1: you are somebody who ties your worth to internal things. 201 00:13:06,200 --> 00:13:08,360 Speaker 1: And the only way you can tie your worth to 202 00:13:09,320 --> 00:13:13,319 Speaker 1: internal things is if you do the work, and is 203 00:13:13,360 --> 00:13:16,160 Speaker 1: if you take those moments of being single or not 204 00:13:16,200 --> 00:13:20,840 Speaker 1: even being single, being alone, being scared, being unsure, and 205 00:13:20,920 --> 00:13:27,280 Speaker 1: you show yourself you are capable of handling it yourself again. 206 00:13:27,679 --> 00:13:31,280 Speaker 1: If your self esteem is deeply tied to being accepted 207 00:13:31,360 --> 00:13:34,520 Speaker 1: and chosen, and you don't have that additional part of 208 00:13:34,559 --> 00:13:38,480 Speaker 1: you that says it's okay, we'll be fine if we're 209 00:13:38,520 --> 00:13:42,240 Speaker 1: not chosen, because we'll have ourselves. A breakup is like 210 00:13:43,360 --> 00:13:49,520 Speaker 1: an emotional emergency. It is like an emotional collapse. It's 211 00:13:49,520 --> 00:13:53,160 Speaker 1: like catastrophe. And so sometimes your brain is going to 212 00:13:53,240 --> 00:13:55,640 Speaker 1: look for the easiest solution to that, and what is 213 00:13:55,720 --> 00:14:00,600 Speaker 1: the easiest band aid solution fix Find somebody else, Find 214 00:14:00,640 --> 00:14:03,079 Speaker 1: somebody else who's going to quickly fill that whole ride up, 215 00:14:03,360 --> 00:14:05,960 Speaker 1: who's going to make you feel validated again, make you 216 00:14:06,000 --> 00:14:09,200 Speaker 1: feel safe again, make you feel chosen again. That is 217 00:14:09,240 --> 00:14:13,320 Speaker 1: why we find ourselves in this pattern. There's something else 218 00:14:13,360 --> 00:14:15,400 Speaker 1: going on here, though, something I would say is a 219 00:14:15,440 --> 00:14:19,120 Speaker 1: little bit more positive, and it comes down to the 220 00:14:19,160 --> 00:14:23,800 Speaker 1: excitement and novelty we love when we fall in love 221 00:14:23,800 --> 00:14:26,160 Speaker 1: with people, that we get addicted to when we meet 222 00:14:26,200 --> 00:14:29,160 Speaker 1: new people. So we're going to dive into that explanation 223 00:14:29,680 --> 00:14:38,840 Speaker 1: and so much more after this shortbreak. Okay, so far 224 00:14:38,880 --> 00:14:41,880 Speaker 1: we've talked about relationship hopping as something that is driven 225 00:14:41,920 --> 00:14:46,160 Speaker 1: by fear, insecurity, avoidance, that kind of stuff. There is 226 00:14:46,160 --> 00:14:50,120 Speaker 1: another version of the story that is completely different. Sometimes 227 00:14:50,240 --> 00:14:55,080 Speaker 1: people relationship hop because falling in love feels incredible and 228 00:14:55,120 --> 00:14:56,920 Speaker 1: that is the state that they want to be in forever. 229 00:14:58,040 --> 00:15:02,080 Speaker 1: Sometimes people are serial alchemists because they are chasing that 230 00:15:02,240 --> 00:15:06,440 Speaker 1: very specific experience, the experience, the temporary and yet deeply 231 00:15:06,440 --> 00:15:10,400 Speaker 1: addictive experience of falling in love. Let's be real, Like 232 00:15:10,440 --> 00:15:14,440 Speaker 1: the early stages of any relationship is the best. Like 233 00:15:14,560 --> 00:15:16,640 Speaker 1: it's the best. It's one of the best feelings in 234 00:15:16,680 --> 00:15:20,160 Speaker 1: the world. When you like are like on date three 235 00:15:20,280 --> 00:15:23,520 Speaker 1: or four, maybe five with like somebody you're really into 236 00:15:24,320 --> 00:15:29,160 Speaker 1: and it's all anticipation and obsession and everything is new 237 00:15:29,280 --> 00:15:32,640 Speaker 1: and there's like this little secret, like this relationship just 238 00:15:32,640 --> 00:15:34,800 Speaker 1: feels like this little private thing between you and the 239 00:15:34,840 --> 00:15:39,480 Speaker 1: other person. You know, your whole world becomes like what 240 00:15:39,560 --> 00:15:41,640 Speaker 1: am I going to see this person next? I wonder 241 00:15:41,640 --> 00:15:45,280 Speaker 1: what they're thinking about me, Like feeling giddy, feeling excited 242 00:15:45,320 --> 00:15:49,479 Speaker 1: for the future, and the passion, and that high is biological. 243 00:15:50,240 --> 00:15:53,360 Speaker 1: It's meant to drive us to connect with people and 244 00:15:53,400 --> 00:15:58,120 Speaker 1: to have those early moments of deep bonding that will, 245 00:15:58,800 --> 00:16:01,840 Speaker 1: you know, kind of push us to long term commitment. 246 00:16:02,280 --> 00:16:05,040 Speaker 1: It's meant to give us like it's no mistake and 247 00:16:05,040 --> 00:16:07,920 Speaker 1: it's no accident that the early days of a relationship 248 00:16:08,280 --> 00:16:11,920 Speaker 1: create this bonding high. There was a study in two 249 00:16:11,920 --> 00:16:14,960 Speaker 1: thousand and five done on this from researchers in New 250 00:16:15,040 --> 00:16:19,000 Speaker 1: Jersey who basically scan the brains of seventeen participants who 251 00:16:19,000 --> 00:16:21,480 Speaker 1: were all loved up, and then asked them to look 252 00:16:21,480 --> 00:16:23,920 Speaker 1: at a photograph of the person they were really in 253 00:16:23,960 --> 00:16:27,160 Speaker 1: love with or just recently had started really dating or 254 00:16:27,200 --> 00:16:29,760 Speaker 1: falling for, and then to look at a person like 255 00:16:29,760 --> 00:16:32,560 Speaker 1: a photo of just somebody random. And what they found 256 00:16:32,640 --> 00:16:35,080 Speaker 1: was that there was these whole segments of their brain 257 00:16:35,760 --> 00:16:40,400 Speaker 1: that just showed in crazy activity levels. It was like 258 00:16:40,480 --> 00:16:43,720 Speaker 1: the right ventral area and I think like the right 259 00:16:45,120 --> 00:16:48,880 Speaker 1: coordinate nucleus like this basically the areas associated with reward 260 00:16:48,880 --> 00:16:52,880 Speaker 1: and motivation, not like that's where love is in your brain. 261 00:16:53,280 --> 00:16:59,280 Speaker 1: It's in reward, and it's in those reward and motivational areas. Essentially, 262 00:17:00,120 --> 00:17:03,840 Speaker 1: your brain is feeling so many positive things and is like, 263 00:17:04,040 --> 00:17:08,000 Speaker 1: let's chase that further and is really activating those systems 264 00:17:08,000 --> 00:17:09,720 Speaker 1: in your brain. They're going to want you to do that. 265 00:17:10,119 --> 00:17:17,040 Speaker 1: As you fall in love, you're also being flooded with vasapressin, oxytocin, 266 00:17:18,000 --> 00:17:22,760 Speaker 1: all these things that chemically feel great make you feel 267 00:17:22,840 --> 00:17:27,040 Speaker 1: incredible dopamine as well. Dopamine plays a huge role on 268 00:17:27,040 --> 00:17:30,359 Speaker 1: this process, and it plays a huge role in motivating 269 00:17:30,400 --> 00:17:33,120 Speaker 1: you to want to see the more, to feel good 270 00:17:33,119 --> 00:17:38,640 Speaker 1: in their presence, to feel like the highs of uncertainty 271 00:17:38,680 --> 00:17:42,480 Speaker 1: and unpredictability that is honestly so enthralling about the start 272 00:17:42,520 --> 00:17:44,480 Speaker 1: of a relationship, like is this going to work out? 273 00:17:44,600 --> 00:17:49,680 Speaker 1: Is this person going to be the one? Your whole system, 274 00:17:50,240 --> 00:17:53,640 Speaker 1: the whole system of romantic love is meant to be addictive, 275 00:17:54,160 --> 00:17:57,480 Speaker 1: it's meant to be motivational, it's meant to really run 276 00:17:57,520 --> 00:18:00,639 Speaker 1: on this heightened level of reward. I know that doesn't 277 00:18:00,640 --> 00:18:05,600 Speaker 1: sound romantic, but it does explain serial monogamy really well. 278 00:18:06,440 --> 00:18:09,280 Speaker 1: New love is so addictive because it puts us into 279 00:18:09,280 --> 00:18:14,639 Speaker 1: this powerful state of emotional intensity, of obsessional thinking, of 280 00:18:15,560 --> 00:18:20,320 Speaker 1: heightened attention. And if that reward state becomes one of 281 00:18:20,320 --> 00:18:24,920 Speaker 1: the main ways that someone feels excited about life, purposeful, 282 00:18:25,160 --> 00:18:28,879 Speaker 1: somebody feels emotionally switched on for the first time or 283 00:18:29,320 --> 00:18:32,120 Speaker 1: in a long time, it makes sense that they would 284 00:18:32,160 --> 00:18:35,119 Speaker 1: chase that feeling again and again and again, like the 285 00:18:35,200 --> 00:18:39,320 Speaker 1: feeling of winning, like the feeling of getting drunk, like 286 00:18:39,359 --> 00:18:43,960 Speaker 1: the feeling of getting high. However, if slash when the 287 00:18:44,000 --> 00:18:48,520 Speaker 1: relationship ends, the crash is profound. It is deeply profound 288 00:18:48,600 --> 00:18:52,280 Speaker 1: if they have been chasing relationship after relationship, And what 289 00:18:52,400 --> 00:18:54,879 Speaker 1: is the only way to not feel the crash, to 290 00:18:54,960 --> 00:18:58,280 Speaker 1: not feel the hangover is to get drunk again, is 291 00:18:58,359 --> 00:19:01,440 Speaker 1: to get high on love again. So what does this 292 00:19:01,600 --> 00:19:06,080 Speaker 1: do to us biologically emotionally, because may be thinking, like, 293 00:19:06,119 --> 00:19:08,840 Speaker 1: what's the harm in this? Love feels great because we're 294 00:19:08,880 --> 00:19:11,880 Speaker 1: meant to experience it as much as possible in our lifetime, 295 00:19:11,920 --> 00:19:14,399 Speaker 1: which I don't disagree with. You know, it's great for 296 00:19:14,480 --> 00:19:16,840 Speaker 1: character development. Even if it doesn't work out, least I 297 00:19:16,920 --> 00:19:19,960 Speaker 1: learn a lesson, like I learn more about myself and 298 00:19:20,000 --> 00:19:22,480 Speaker 1: then one day the person I'm with, they will be 299 00:19:22,560 --> 00:19:25,240 Speaker 1: the one. Like, what's the harm in just putting myself 300 00:19:25,280 --> 00:19:28,440 Speaker 1: on the line in the path of love as much 301 00:19:28,440 --> 00:19:32,680 Speaker 1: as possible? I think I find that hard to argue with, 302 00:19:32,840 --> 00:19:38,040 Speaker 1: to be honest, but logically and rationally, you do actually 303 00:19:38,160 --> 00:19:42,160 Speaker 1: lose a lot when you do not give yourself time 304 00:19:42,200 --> 00:19:48,199 Speaker 1: to be single and progressing from serious relationship to serious relationship, 305 00:19:48,840 --> 00:19:52,680 Speaker 1: especially when there is a high degree of desperation and 306 00:19:52,840 --> 00:19:56,719 Speaker 1: fear and obsession involved, will do things to your character 307 00:19:56,760 --> 00:19:59,720 Speaker 1: development and will do things to your emotional development. I 308 00:19:59,760 --> 00:20:04,040 Speaker 1: think the harm is that you don't ever get the 309 00:20:04,119 --> 00:20:08,280 Speaker 1: chance to figure out who you are, is this new 310 00:20:08,359 --> 00:20:11,080 Speaker 1: version of you after this previous relationship has ended, and 311 00:20:11,119 --> 00:20:13,240 Speaker 1: more generally, like, you just never get the chance to 312 00:20:13,280 --> 00:20:16,320 Speaker 1: figure out who you are alone, and so you will 313 00:20:16,359 --> 00:20:20,359 Speaker 1: always be if you can't get comfortable being alone, you 314 00:20:20,400 --> 00:20:22,680 Speaker 1: will always be at the mercy of somebody who could 315 00:20:22,760 --> 00:20:25,840 Speaker 1: leave you. And I don't just mean a partner, I 316 00:20:25,920 --> 00:20:30,480 Speaker 1: mean friends, I mean family members, I mean anyone. You 317 00:20:30,560 --> 00:20:33,480 Speaker 1: never developed that sense of like, I can handle this. 318 00:20:34,080 --> 00:20:36,720 Speaker 1: I know myself, I know I am capable. I can 319 00:20:36,800 --> 00:20:41,840 Speaker 1: rely on myself. That is your backbone. Everybody needs that 320 00:20:42,320 --> 00:20:46,280 Speaker 1: because at any point, you know, tragedy happens, life happens. 321 00:20:46,920 --> 00:20:51,560 Speaker 1: If you never feel comfortable being by yourself, when you 322 00:20:51,880 --> 00:20:54,879 Speaker 1: inevitably perhaps the universe of the world forces you to 323 00:20:54,920 --> 00:20:57,520 Speaker 1: be by yourself, you will look around and have no 324 00:20:57,560 --> 00:21:00,280 Speaker 1: coping strategies and have no idea how to be here 325 00:21:00,560 --> 00:21:03,479 Speaker 1: and be there in that moment. I think it's that cost, 326 00:21:04,359 --> 00:21:07,320 Speaker 1: the cost of our independence, that is the greatest, because 327 00:21:07,720 --> 00:21:11,919 Speaker 1: those stretches of life where you are alone is what 328 00:21:12,119 --> 00:21:17,320 Speaker 1: allows you to actively consider You're just you. You don't 329 00:21:17,359 --> 00:21:20,879 Speaker 1: have to think about anybody else's needs, anybody else's preferences 330 00:21:20,960 --> 00:21:24,440 Speaker 1: or routines. You're not responsible for anybody else's emotions. You're 331 00:21:24,560 --> 00:21:28,400 Speaker 1: just responsible for you. And in those periods is where 332 00:21:28,400 --> 00:21:31,320 Speaker 1: you are really able to articulate, what do I want 333 00:21:32,200 --> 00:21:34,240 Speaker 1: out of my one shot at life? What do I 334 00:21:34,280 --> 00:21:37,280 Speaker 1: want out of my time here? What do I really 335 00:21:37,320 --> 00:21:41,280 Speaker 1: like doing? What does my true and authentic daily flow 336 00:21:41,320 --> 00:21:44,399 Speaker 1: look like? And maybe you answer that question and go, 337 00:21:44,520 --> 00:21:46,479 Speaker 1: what I really want out of my one true life 338 00:21:46,560 --> 00:21:49,320 Speaker 1: is to find someone to be amazing and you go 339 00:21:49,400 --> 00:21:52,359 Speaker 1: about that, But how will you know if you do not? 340 00:21:52,720 --> 00:21:58,400 Speaker 1: At some stage you know, stop letting your own frequency 341 00:21:59,000 --> 00:22:02,920 Speaker 1: be constantly interrup somebody else's and people who don't always 342 00:22:02,960 --> 00:22:06,200 Speaker 1: stay for very long relationships. You know, whether you like 343 00:22:06,280 --> 00:22:08,680 Speaker 1: it or not. They will shape your daily life. They 344 00:22:08,720 --> 00:22:11,960 Speaker 1: will shape your identity, They will shape even your future imagination. 345 00:22:12,400 --> 00:22:16,600 Speaker 1: They will especially shape your thoughts. I always think about 346 00:22:16,600 --> 00:22:19,200 Speaker 1: this one of the two times you think about somebody 347 00:22:19,320 --> 00:22:22,119 Speaker 1: or other people the most when you are falling in 348 00:22:22,119 --> 00:22:23,919 Speaker 1: love with them, or when you are falling out of 349 00:22:23,920 --> 00:22:27,120 Speaker 1: love with them, or when you are grieving them. If 350 00:22:27,160 --> 00:22:30,240 Speaker 1: you are always in one of those two states, falling 351 00:22:30,240 --> 00:22:33,600 Speaker 1: in love breaking up, falling in love breaking up, the 352 00:22:33,760 --> 00:22:37,880 Speaker 1: mental real estate becomes very crowded, and the mental real 353 00:22:37,960 --> 00:22:42,680 Speaker 1: estate you have left for yourself becomes very limited. Those 354 00:22:42,720 --> 00:22:45,439 Speaker 1: thoughts that you have concerning your own identity and your 355 00:22:45,480 --> 00:22:49,600 Speaker 1: own needs are not selfish. They are absolutely essential for 356 00:22:49,680 --> 00:22:54,040 Speaker 1: self development, absolutely essential for your ability to articulate your 357 00:22:54,080 --> 00:22:58,520 Speaker 1: wants and needs. And so if you find, because it's 358 00:22:58,520 --> 00:23:00,200 Speaker 1: not always going to be for everybody, but if you 359 00:23:00,240 --> 00:23:02,640 Speaker 1: find being in a relationship stops you from being able 360 00:23:02,640 --> 00:23:06,879 Speaker 1: to prioritize that, and you are constantly in relationships the 361 00:23:07,000 --> 00:23:09,080 Speaker 1: time when the time comes that you are not in 362 00:23:09,080 --> 00:23:10,960 Speaker 1: a relationship, when the time comes when you have to 363 00:23:11,000 --> 00:23:13,199 Speaker 1: really look in the mirror and be like, wait, what 364 00:23:13,280 --> 00:23:15,680 Speaker 1: do I want? You may find it really hard to 365 00:23:15,720 --> 00:23:19,040 Speaker 1: answer that question. Another thing that can happen over time 366 00:23:19,160 --> 00:23:21,119 Speaker 1: is that you don't always get the chance to actually 367 00:23:21,200 --> 00:23:25,399 Speaker 1: consolidate relation or learning. So maybe again you answer that question, 368 00:23:25,440 --> 00:23:26,760 Speaker 1: what do I want out of my life, and it's 369 00:23:26,760 --> 00:23:29,960 Speaker 1: to be in love. Being in a relationship constantly probably 370 00:23:30,000 --> 00:23:34,360 Speaker 1: won't actually help you in that either. Most people understand 371 00:23:34,400 --> 00:23:38,320 Speaker 1: relationships through experiences. Right you date, you make mistakes, You 372 00:23:38,640 --> 00:23:41,400 Speaker 1: notice what you do and don't like, what you avoid, 373 00:23:41,440 --> 00:23:44,080 Speaker 1: what you repeat. Maybe you break up, maybe you don't, 374 00:23:44,119 --> 00:23:47,560 Speaker 1: but you have to learn something. If you do breakup, 375 00:23:47,560 --> 00:23:50,080 Speaker 1: you have to you get something from that. And the 376 00:23:50,160 --> 00:23:53,439 Speaker 1: research shows that learning in this case, or learning of 377 00:23:53,520 --> 00:23:57,560 Speaker 1: any kind, tends to crystallize and become more substantial and 378 00:23:57,600 --> 00:24:01,679 Speaker 1: impactful when there is a poor between the next lesson, 379 00:24:02,280 --> 00:24:05,440 Speaker 1: when you can reflect without immediately being swept up in 380 00:24:05,480 --> 00:24:09,800 Speaker 1: the emotional demands or cognitive demands of something new. I 381 00:24:09,800 --> 00:24:11,679 Speaker 1: think one of the most valuable things you can do 382 00:24:11,760 --> 00:24:16,000 Speaker 1: in the aftermath of a relationship is like the painful 383 00:24:16,040 --> 00:24:18,080 Speaker 1: work of self reflection, And I think that is a 384 00:24:18,080 --> 00:24:21,080 Speaker 1: way of honoring the relationship even if it didn't work out. 385 00:24:21,880 --> 00:24:24,120 Speaker 1: I think it also really helps you close the story 386 00:24:24,160 --> 00:24:28,080 Speaker 1: of the relationship by acknowledging like and doing this work 387 00:24:28,440 --> 00:24:31,560 Speaker 1: and acknowledging like, yes, this really hurt. I really didn't 388 00:24:31,560 --> 00:24:33,159 Speaker 1: want it to end this way. I wish it it 389 00:24:33,320 --> 00:24:40,360 Speaker 1: ended differently, but it didn't. And this is why sometimes 390 00:24:40,359 --> 00:24:42,560 Speaker 1: you don't get a future. You get a lesson and 391 00:24:42,600 --> 00:24:44,720 Speaker 1: that can be just as valuable if you take time 392 00:24:44,800 --> 00:24:47,239 Speaker 1: to absorb it without the pause. And I'm sorry, I'm 393 00:24:47,280 --> 00:24:50,040 Speaker 1: really laboring on this point, but without the pause, you 394 00:24:50,119 --> 00:24:53,439 Speaker 1: still move forward, but you don't always integrate any of 395 00:24:53,480 --> 00:24:57,440 Speaker 1: that learning into your next relationship. And that is where 396 00:24:57,920 --> 00:25:04,480 Speaker 1: unhealthy patterns that cause marital breakdowns, divorce, deep betrayal. That's 397 00:25:04,480 --> 00:25:09,280 Speaker 1: where they come from the repetition of unhealthy patterns that 398 00:25:09,359 --> 00:25:13,320 Speaker 1: are never dealt with. So when do we know it's 399 00:25:13,359 --> 00:25:15,119 Speaker 1: time to break the pattern? When can we look in 400 00:25:15,160 --> 00:25:17,400 Speaker 1: the mirror and be like, Ooh, I think I need 401 00:25:17,400 --> 00:25:19,440 Speaker 1: a break from dating. I think this may be me. 402 00:25:20,480 --> 00:25:23,160 Speaker 1: I would say, when you realize that dating stops being 403 00:25:23,160 --> 00:25:28,000 Speaker 1: about connection and fun and starts being about urgency and 404 00:25:28,040 --> 00:25:30,720 Speaker 1: self confidence, then you need to take a step back. 405 00:25:31,160 --> 00:25:33,240 Speaker 1: When you notice that you are really just going on 406 00:25:33,320 --> 00:25:36,360 Speaker 1: dates with anyone, You are letting dating a take over 407 00:25:36,359 --> 00:25:39,919 Speaker 1: your life. When your type always ends up leading to 408 00:25:39,960 --> 00:25:42,840 Speaker 1: the same ending, it's time to take a break. I 409 00:25:42,840 --> 00:25:45,720 Speaker 1: think the biggest indicator, though, is when you don't even 410 00:25:45,800 --> 00:25:49,280 Speaker 1: know what you want anymore. You're just doing it, You're 411 00:25:49,280 --> 00:25:53,240 Speaker 1: just dating without intention. You feel a little bit lost 412 00:25:53,280 --> 00:25:56,320 Speaker 1: with it, you feel equally lost without it. There's like 413 00:25:56,359 --> 00:25:58,280 Speaker 1: this gap that needs to be filled, and you just 414 00:25:58,320 --> 00:26:01,360 Speaker 1: feel like I cannot sit still until I have somebody. 415 00:26:01,640 --> 00:26:07,320 Speaker 1: I think that is the biggest sign in those moments. 416 00:26:07,440 --> 00:26:11,359 Speaker 1: That is when you need to do a dating detox. 417 00:26:11,440 --> 00:26:14,840 Speaker 1: I've spoken about this so often on the podcast before. 418 00:26:14,920 --> 00:26:17,400 Speaker 1: I'm so sorry if you are like, oh God, can 419 00:26:17,440 --> 00:26:19,879 Speaker 1: she be quiet about this? But it's because it is 420 00:26:19,920 --> 00:26:24,280 Speaker 1: so helpful literally saying to yourself the same way you 421 00:26:24,280 --> 00:26:26,159 Speaker 1: do an alcohol detox, the same way you may do 422 00:26:26,160 --> 00:26:30,200 Speaker 1: a detox to quit smoking. If you literally just give 423 00:26:30,200 --> 00:26:33,520 Speaker 1: yourself six months and say dating is not on the 424 00:26:33,560 --> 00:26:37,160 Speaker 1: table in the slightest during this period, and I'll come 425 00:26:37,200 --> 00:26:39,119 Speaker 1: back to it later, but I really I don't have 426 00:26:39,160 --> 00:26:41,239 Speaker 1: to think about it for this period of time. You 427 00:26:41,280 --> 00:26:43,840 Speaker 1: will come back with such a better understanding of what 428 00:26:43,880 --> 00:26:47,160 Speaker 1: you want, Like I cannot speak highly enough of taking 429 00:26:47,240 --> 00:26:52,280 Speaker 1: some clear, designated time away from dating to really address 430 00:26:52,480 --> 00:26:56,679 Speaker 1: like if love is something that I obviously need, we 431 00:26:56,760 --> 00:26:59,920 Speaker 1: all need it. If love and monogamy in the future 432 00:27:00,119 --> 00:27:03,480 Speaker 1: something I want, what will that look like for me? 433 00:27:03,880 --> 00:27:05,560 Speaker 1: And how will I know when I have it? And 434 00:27:05,600 --> 00:27:08,119 Speaker 1: how will I know when my needs are not being fulfilled? 435 00:27:08,800 --> 00:27:11,200 Speaker 1: I just think that at dating detox and six months, 436 00:27:11,240 --> 00:27:14,600 Speaker 1: I don't know, it's just the best. It resets like 437 00:27:14,640 --> 00:27:18,560 Speaker 1: your emotional biome, Like it returns you to this stable, 438 00:27:18,640 --> 00:27:22,359 Speaker 1: secure point, you know how I always think about it. It's 439 00:27:22,400 --> 00:27:25,800 Speaker 1: like your frequency is not being constantly interrupted, so you 440 00:27:25,840 --> 00:27:28,679 Speaker 1: are able to very clearly signal to others and signal 441 00:27:28,720 --> 00:27:32,320 Speaker 1: to yourself what you want. And if you are finding 442 00:27:32,320 --> 00:27:34,439 Speaker 1: that you relate to any of this, I think this 443 00:27:34,600 --> 00:27:39,080 Speaker 1: is the easiest way to go about it. Take relationships 444 00:27:39,680 --> 00:27:42,720 Speaker 1: off the table, deal with the discomfort, and it will 445 00:27:42,760 --> 00:27:46,280 Speaker 1: be uncomfortable, but know that, like this is an investment 446 00:27:46,840 --> 00:27:48,919 Speaker 1: in your future self, in yourself right now and in 447 00:27:49,000 --> 00:27:52,680 Speaker 1: any relationship you find yourself in in the future, because 448 00:27:52,720 --> 00:27:55,640 Speaker 1: you're gonna come into it with so much more clarity 449 00:27:55,960 --> 00:27:58,760 Speaker 1: and a much clearer idea of what you want and 450 00:27:58,800 --> 00:28:03,399 Speaker 1: how you go about me relationships work. I think it 451 00:28:03,440 --> 00:28:05,520 Speaker 1: doesn't mean breaking off of like you don't have to 452 00:28:05,560 --> 00:28:08,959 Speaker 1: stop dating forever, and you're not doing this as punishment, right, 453 00:28:08,960 --> 00:28:11,320 Speaker 1: You're not punishing yourself. I should have said that very 454 00:28:11,359 --> 00:28:15,520 Speaker 1: clearly upfront. This is like the freedom to just let 455 00:28:15,600 --> 00:28:20,160 Speaker 1: your mind relax without constantly having this like hyper vigilance 456 00:28:20,240 --> 00:28:25,800 Speaker 1: towards you know, romantic interest, without constantly having this like 457 00:28:25,880 --> 00:28:28,880 Speaker 1: part of your brain that has switched on to other 458 00:28:28,920 --> 00:28:30,600 Speaker 1: people and switched on to like, who am I going 459 00:28:30,680 --> 00:28:34,840 Speaker 1: to date next? It's not forever, It's just for a moment, 460 00:28:35,040 --> 00:28:38,800 Speaker 1: and I think it can be incredibly powerful for literally anybody. 461 00:28:39,600 --> 00:28:41,240 Speaker 1: So I hope you enjoyed this episode. I hope you 462 00:28:42,000 --> 00:28:45,880 Speaker 1: learned something about relationship hopping and serial monogamy. I'm sorry 463 00:28:45,880 --> 00:28:48,480 Speaker 1: I sound so sick in this episode. I feel like 464 00:28:48,520 --> 00:28:51,719 Speaker 1: I've been saying that every single episode recently, So I 465 00:28:51,760 --> 00:28:56,440 Speaker 1: really appreciate your patience with whatever this nasal congestion thing 466 00:28:56,640 --> 00:28:59,200 Speaker 1: is ever since I moved to London. Make sure that 467 00:28:59,240 --> 00:29:03,920 Speaker 1: you are following us on Instagram, that psychology podcast on 468 00:29:04,000 --> 00:29:07,240 Speaker 1: substack if you want to read some article versions to 469 00:29:07,320 --> 00:29:10,320 Speaker 1: do with the psychology of your twenties, straight into your inbox, 470 00:29:10,800 --> 00:29:12,400 Speaker 1: or if you want to hear our studies of the 471 00:29:12,400 --> 00:29:16,280 Speaker 1: week to finish the year so much smarter, so much 472 00:29:16,280 --> 00:29:19,720 Speaker 1: more informed. You can also now watch the podcast on Netflix. 473 00:29:19,920 --> 00:29:21,720 Speaker 1: I feel like I've been talking about this for ages, 474 00:29:21,760 --> 00:29:24,280 Speaker 1: but if you are in Canada, oh, actually I should 475 00:29:24,280 --> 00:29:29,240 Speaker 1: say Canada, the US, UK, Australia, Southeast Asia. It's available everywhere, 476 00:29:29,560 --> 00:29:33,840 Speaker 1: well not everywhere, but in everywhere in those places as 477 00:29:33,880 --> 00:29:36,000 Speaker 1: of right now. So go and watch it. Make sure 478 00:29:36,000 --> 00:29:38,120 Speaker 1: to tag us in your stories or if you post 479 00:29:38,160 --> 00:29:41,640 Speaker 1: anything about it. I would love to see it. I 480 00:29:41,680 --> 00:29:43,840 Speaker 1: appreciate you making it to the end. Leave a little 481 00:29:43,840 --> 00:29:47,600 Speaker 1: heart emoji if you down below, if you're listening on Spotify, 482 00:29:47,680 --> 00:29:50,520 Speaker 1: and if you are still here, thank you for listening. 483 00:29:50,600 --> 00:29:53,640 Speaker 1: Thank you as always to our researcher Libby Colbert for 484 00:29:53,680 --> 00:29:57,440 Speaker 1: her contributions to this episode. And until next time, Be safe, 485 00:29:57,520 --> 00:30:00,320 Speaker 1: be kind, especially if you relate to this EPO sord. 486 00:30:00,760 --> 00:30:04,720 Speaker 1: Be very gentle with yourself. We will talk very very soon.