1 00:00:04,559 --> 00:00:07,960 Speaker 1: Hello everybody. I'm Jemma Spake and welcome back to the 2 00:00:07,960 --> 00:00:11,280 Speaker 1: Psychology of Your Twenties, the podcast where we talk through 3 00:00:11,320 --> 00:00:16,000 Speaker 1: the biggest changes, moments, and transitions of our twenties and 4 00:00:16,040 --> 00:00:25,119 Speaker 1: what they mean for our psychology. Before we get into it, 5 00:00:25,160 --> 00:00:27,720 Speaker 1: I want to let you guys know that this episode 6 00:00:27,720 --> 00:00:31,000 Speaker 1: you're about to listen to is also on YouTube. Yes, 7 00:00:31,120 --> 00:00:34,440 Speaker 1: we now do video podcasts over on YouTube, so if 8 00:00:34,479 --> 00:00:38,040 Speaker 1: you prefer to watch episodes rather than listen to them, 9 00:00:38,440 --> 00:00:39,920 Speaker 1: go and check it out. There will be a link 10 00:00:39,960 --> 00:00:43,080 Speaker 1: in the description. Hello everybody, Welcome back to the show. 11 00:00:43,159 --> 00:00:47,160 Speaker 1: Welcome back to the podcast, new listeners, old listeners. Wherever 12 00:00:47,200 --> 00:00:49,239 Speaker 1: you are in the world, it is so great to 13 00:00:49,240 --> 00:00:52,239 Speaker 1: have you here. Back for another episode as we, of 14 00:00:52,240 --> 00:00:57,440 Speaker 1: course break down the psychology of our twenties. Today, we're 15 00:00:57,440 --> 00:01:01,600 Speaker 1: going to talk about the psychology of toks habits, the 16 00:01:01,800 --> 00:01:04,920 Speaker 1: little rituals that you know, we swear we're gonna quit, 17 00:01:05,360 --> 00:01:08,520 Speaker 1: the behaviors that we hide, that we justify, that we 18 00:01:08,600 --> 00:01:12,399 Speaker 1: laugh off, the ones that make us promise ourselves like 19 00:01:12,440 --> 00:01:14,840 Speaker 1: tomorrow it's gonna be different. You know, when I turn 20 00:01:14,880 --> 00:01:17,440 Speaker 1: twenty seven, I'm gonna quit smoking. When I turn twenty eight, 21 00:01:17,480 --> 00:01:21,200 Speaker 1: I'm gonna quit drinking, and then surprisingly it never happens. 22 00:01:21,319 --> 00:01:24,560 Speaker 1: And you know, it could be procrastination, it could be smoking, 23 00:01:24,680 --> 00:01:27,080 Speaker 1: it could be using your phone way too often, it 24 00:01:27,120 --> 00:01:30,320 Speaker 1: could be self sabotaging. We're gonna cover them all. I 25 00:01:30,360 --> 00:01:33,560 Speaker 1: think what's so difficult about these toxic habits is that 26 00:01:34,240 --> 00:01:37,240 Speaker 1: so often, let's be honest, like, we want to stop, 27 00:01:37,880 --> 00:01:41,880 Speaker 1: and we really do want to, you know, create a 28 00:01:41,920 --> 00:01:45,800 Speaker 1: good future for ourselves in our twenties, and we simply can't, 29 00:01:45,840 --> 00:01:48,680 Speaker 1: not because we don't know any better, not because we 30 00:01:48,760 --> 00:01:52,560 Speaker 1: don't care about ourselves, but because our brains are doing 31 00:01:52,600 --> 00:01:56,720 Speaker 1: what they've been trained to do, perform a pattern rather 32 00:01:56,760 --> 00:01:59,960 Speaker 1: than learn a new one. This isn't a discipline problem. 33 00:02:00,200 --> 00:02:03,360 Speaker 1: It's not a will power problem, as people may have 34 00:02:03,520 --> 00:02:08,120 Speaker 1: you believe. It is deeply rooted in psychology, in coping, 35 00:02:08,840 --> 00:02:12,040 Speaker 1: in how we relate to our emotions. But it can 36 00:02:12,080 --> 00:02:17,400 Speaker 1: also be rewired using that same psychology if you understand it. 37 00:02:17,480 --> 00:02:20,080 Speaker 1: So today I'm going to give you the ultimate guide 38 00:02:20,080 --> 00:02:24,200 Speaker 1: to breaking toxic habits, from why they form, to the 39 00:02:24,360 --> 00:02:28,200 Speaker 1: four biggest mistakes we make when we're trying to change, 40 00:02:28,240 --> 00:02:32,840 Speaker 1: and what we can do instead, what actually might help 41 00:02:32,919 --> 00:02:36,120 Speaker 1: us become better people, become the people we want to be. 42 00:02:36,720 --> 00:02:40,120 Speaker 1: Without further ado, let's get into how we can break 43 00:02:40,320 --> 00:02:47,480 Speaker 1: a toxic habit cycle. We do this at the beginning 44 00:02:47,480 --> 00:02:50,800 Speaker 1: of every episode. I know, but let's firstly pin down 45 00:02:51,040 --> 00:02:56,120 Speaker 1: what we mean by a toxic habit cycle. The idea 46 00:02:56,160 --> 00:03:00,440 Speaker 1: of toxic habits is a very tidy phrase. It could 47 00:03:00,440 --> 00:03:03,600 Speaker 1: probably mean anything from I go to bed too late, 48 00:03:03,680 --> 00:03:08,840 Speaker 1: too I can't stop replaying the same relationship pattern. Really, 49 00:03:08,880 --> 00:03:13,920 Speaker 1: what we're referring to is a behavior that is repeated regularly, 50 00:03:14,200 --> 00:03:20,160 Speaker 1: often automatically, that is reinforced by some kind of reward 51 00:03:20,919 --> 00:03:25,239 Speaker 1: that can describe either a positive or negative habit. When 52 00:03:25,240 --> 00:03:29,040 Speaker 1: a habit becomes toxic, really, it's just that the outcome 53 00:03:29,560 --> 00:03:34,560 Speaker 1: that follows the behavior is deeply harmful to us, or 54 00:03:35,000 --> 00:03:38,480 Speaker 1: something that we actually don't want to occur that doesn't 55 00:03:38,520 --> 00:03:41,240 Speaker 1: align with who we want to be. A habit also 56 00:03:41,360 --> 00:03:45,920 Speaker 1: becomes toxic when it crosses three thresholds. We call them 57 00:03:46,080 --> 00:03:50,600 Speaker 1: the three seas see number one. Compulsion. You feel an 58 00:03:50,760 --> 00:03:53,160 Speaker 1: urge to do it, often without conscious thought that you 59 00:03:53,240 --> 00:03:57,040 Speaker 1: find it incredibly hard to fight back against. The second 60 00:03:57,120 --> 00:04:02,680 Speaker 1: se control, You struggle to stop or limit this behavior, 61 00:04:03,080 --> 00:04:07,560 Speaker 1: and the final CEE. The third C is consequences. It 62 00:04:07,640 --> 00:04:15,040 Speaker 1: costs you in time, health, money, trust in yourself in relationships. Now, 63 00:04:15,080 --> 00:04:19,520 Speaker 1: not every habit we dislike is necessarily toxic in that 64 00:04:20,120 --> 00:04:23,120 Speaker 1: you know we can't stop it and it's really harming ourselves. 65 00:04:23,160 --> 00:04:26,839 Speaker 1: But habit is really toxic when like, the cost outweighs 66 00:04:27,040 --> 00:04:30,560 Speaker 1: the comfort, the comfort of something, when it starts to 67 00:04:30,600 --> 00:04:36,919 Speaker 1: make your life feel smaller. I think that ability, that 68 00:04:37,120 --> 00:04:42,640 Speaker 1: questioning of like could I actually stop? Is when you're 69 00:04:42,640 --> 00:04:46,160 Speaker 1: asking yourself that question, that's when you know you probably should, 70 00:04:46,600 --> 00:04:50,240 Speaker 1: when you are questioning your control, when you tell yourself 71 00:04:50,880 --> 00:04:53,440 Speaker 1: this is the last time, and you genuinely do mean it, 72 00:04:53,480 --> 00:04:56,560 Speaker 1: but you can't go more than a few days without, 73 00:04:57,400 --> 00:05:00,679 Speaker 1: you know, trying to continue to pursue that new habit. 74 00:05:01,520 --> 00:05:04,839 Speaker 1: Something is you know, probably really bothering you, that keeps 75 00:05:04,880 --> 00:05:06,680 Speaker 1: bringing you back to this thing you don't want to 76 00:05:06,680 --> 00:05:11,240 Speaker 1: do anymore, like a toxic relationship. You know you are 77 00:05:11,320 --> 00:05:13,560 Speaker 1: so committed, you genuinely do want to do better, and 78 00:05:13,560 --> 00:05:16,200 Speaker 1: then you get stressed, you get lonely, and you get bored, 79 00:05:16,720 --> 00:05:19,200 Speaker 1: you have a long day, and suddenly you're right back 80 00:05:19,200 --> 00:05:23,560 Speaker 1: in it. This is because in that moment you are 81 00:05:23,600 --> 00:05:29,840 Speaker 1: in a territory of what psychologists call the intention behavior gap. 82 00:05:30,279 --> 00:05:33,279 Speaker 1: This is the space between what we truly do intend 83 00:05:33,279 --> 00:05:36,719 Speaker 1: to do and what we actually do. A lot of 84 00:05:36,760 --> 00:05:42,000 Speaker 1: the research suggests that your intentions your desire to change 85 00:05:42,000 --> 00:05:46,720 Speaker 1: a behavior only actually predicts around thirty to forty percent 86 00:05:47,080 --> 00:05:51,920 Speaker 1: of your actual behaviors, meaning that simply wanting to change, 87 00:05:52,360 --> 00:05:56,440 Speaker 1: even if you want it bad enough, isn't always enough. 88 00:05:57,640 --> 00:05:59,880 Speaker 1: It's just not. And that's a really hard thing for 89 00:06:00,040 --> 00:06:02,640 Speaker 1: people to realize because we like to think that we 90 00:06:02,720 --> 00:06:07,320 Speaker 1: would be in control and that our emotional decisions would 91 00:06:07,320 --> 00:06:11,200 Speaker 1: affect our rational ones. The thing is, the more emotionally 92 00:06:11,279 --> 00:06:14,479 Speaker 1: loaded a habit is, the wider the gap between intention 93 00:06:14,600 --> 00:06:18,479 Speaker 1: and behavior actually becomes. Because often that means that this 94 00:06:18,600 --> 00:06:24,000 Speaker 1: habit is doing the job of regulating your internal emotions 95 00:06:24,000 --> 00:06:29,520 Speaker 1: and internal systems, not just occupying time. It becomes so 96 00:06:29,560 --> 00:06:33,640 Speaker 1: psychologically hard to break when there is actually a deep 97 00:06:33,760 --> 00:06:38,080 Speaker 1: emotion attached to why you are doing these things. You know, 98 00:06:39,279 --> 00:06:43,320 Speaker 1: toxic habits are more emotional than any other kind of habit. 99 00:06:43,800 --> 00:06:46,960 Speaker 1: You're not choosing to vape, or choosing to overspend or 100 00:06:47,440 --> 00:06:51,839 Speaker 1: chasing bad relationships because it aligns with your values. Because 101 00:06:51,880 --> 00:06:56,520 Speaker 1: it aligns with your goals. You're doing it because it 102 00:06:56,640 --> 00:07:00,680 Speaker 1: might be the only way you know to regulate internal 103 00:07:00,960 --> 00:07:06,720 Speaker 1: states of stress and distress and discomfort and loneliness and heartbreak. 104 00:07:07,320 --> 00:07:10,360 Speaker 1: So that's the biggest sign that a toxic habit is 105 00:07:10,400 --> 00:07:14,920 Speaker 1: a toxic one. It's deeply emotional. Another sign is the 106 00:07:15,040 --> 00:07:19,200 Speaker 1: mental choreography that begins to form around the behavior. You 107 00:07:19,280 --> 00:07:23,520 Speaker 1: start justifying it, hiding it, delaying, thinking about it, becoming 108 00:07:23,800 --> 00:07:28,080 Speaker 1: preoccupied with it. The amount of thinking about the behavior 109 00:07:28,560 --> 00:07:33,280 Speaker 1: grows larger than the behavior itself, so it's a living 110 00:07:33,320 --> 00:07:35,680 Speaker 1: in your head. Even when you're not doing it. You're 111 00:07:35,720 --> 00:07:40,400 Speaker 1: thinking about your next drink, you're thinking about avoiding spending, 112 00:07:40,440 --> 00:07:44,280 Speaker 1: you're thinking about what you should be thinking about so 113 00:07:44,320 --> 00:07:47,480 Speaker 1: that you don't smoke, like those kinds of things. Another 114 00:07:47,520 --> 00:07:51,720 Speaker 1: subtle indicator is when you're not thinking about doing it 115 00:07:51,760 --> 00:07:57,920 Speaker 1: and you are doing it, you're slowly escalating the intensity, frequency, 116 00:07:58,240 --> 00:08:03,840 Speaker 1: severity of the behavior to the point where we really 117 00:08:04,480 --> 00:08:09,800 Speaker 1: emotional relief becomes harder to find. You have to do more, 118 00:08:10,120 --> 00:08:13,960 Speaker 1: take more, experience more of this habit in order to 119 00:08:14,000 --> 00:08:18,480 Speaker 1: produce the same calming feeling that it initially developed to 120 00:08:18,560 --> 00:08:22,040 Speaker 1: provide for. You know, your brain is doing what brains do, 121 00:08:22,640 --> 00:08:26,400 Speaker 1: repeating what has worked to help you survive uncomfortable feelings 122 00:08:26,960 --> 00:08:31,080 Speaker 1: and adapting to that comfortable feeling until you need more 123 00:08:31,440 --> 00:08:34,800 Speaker 1: to produce it. What's really interesting is that your brain 124 00:08:34,920 --> 00:08:39,040 Speaker 1: actually doesn't care whether the reward is healthy or harmful. 125 00:08:39,520 --> 00:08:42,760 Speaker 1: It really doesn't care. It only cares that it provides relief. 126 00:08:43,120 --> 00:08:47,280 Speaker 1: If something soothes you, then of course it's going to 127 00:08:47,320 --> 00:08:50,559 Speaker 1: be repeated if you don't have other mechanisms to help. 128 00:08:51,480 --> 00:08:54,760 Speaker 1: This process is supported by a very famous theory, a 129 00:08:54,840 --> 00:08:59,120 Speaker 1: very famous process that we know called neuroplasticity. This is 130 00:08:59,280 --> 00:09:03,959 Speaker 1: your brain's ability to basically physically rewire itself based on experiences. 131 00:09:04,000 --> 00:09:10,520 Speaker 1: Synaptic connections strengthen through repetition through long term potentiation, Meaning 132 00:09:10,720 --> 00:09:13,640 Speaker 1: the more you perform a behavior, the more that you 133 00:09:13,720 --> 00:09:18,360 Speaker 1: perform a behavior to eliminate distress or to make yourself 134 00:09:18,400 --> 00:09:22,079 Speaker 1: feel better, the more your brain begins to structure itself 135 00:09:22,240 --> 00:09:26,080 Speaker 1: around that behavior and make those neural connections a more 136 00:09:26,160 --> 00:09:30,600 Speaker 1: fortified mental highway. You know, something again that comes up 137 00:09:30,640 --> 00:09:33,400 Speaker 1: a lot when we talk about this is like, how 138 00:09:33,480 --> 00:09:37,480 Speaker 1: come I want to change so badly and I can't? Like? 139 00:09:37,880 --> 00:09:40,920 Speaker 1: Is it just me? Is there something wrong with me. 140 00:09:41,040 --> 00:09:43,760 Speaker 1: Do I just not have the mental strength? And I 141 00:09:43,760 --> 00:09:47,360 Speaker 1: want to be clear, every single person at some stage 142 00:09:47,360 --> 00:09:50,520 Speaker 1: in their life has picked up a less than desirable habit. 143 00:09:50,880 --> 00:09:53,800 Speaker 1: It's not unique to you. It doesn't make you weaker 144 00:09:53,800 --> 00:09:57,400 Speaker 1: than other people. Some people are just more vulnerable to 145 00:09:57,480 --> 00:10:02,679 Speaker 1: developing certain habits and to having them stick, not because 146 00:10:03,120 --> 00:10:07,200 Speaker 1: of any moral reasoning, not because they lack discipline, but 147 00:10:07,240 --> 00:10:10,040 Speaker 1: because of the way that their brain and their emotions 148 00:10:10,120 --> 00:10:15,119 Speaker 1: have developed and evolved. This is a combination of genetics. 149 00:10:15,120 --> 00:10:18,960 Speaker 1: It's a combination of genetics upbringing trauma. Some of us 150 00:10:19,080 --> 00:10:24,040 Speaker 1: as well, are just more emotionally sensitive than others, me included. 151 00:10:24,520 --> 00:10:27,880 Speaker 1: Sometimes our emotions just run a little bit louder, and 152 00:10:27,960 --> 00:10:30,760 Speaker 1: so therefore they need something a little bit stronger and 153 00:10:30,840 --> 00:10:35,480 Speaker 1: more severe to counterbalance them. We feel stress more intensely. 154 00:10:36,440 --> 00:10:40,920 Speaker 1: Loneliness doesn't just feel uncomfortable, it feels unbearable. Boredom doesn't 155 00:10:40,920 --> 00:10:45,000 Speaker 1: feel neutral, it feels horrendous. We might refer to this 156 00:10:45,320 --> 00:10:51,120 Speaker 1: as high emotional reactivity, and research shows that people who 157 00:10:51,160 --> 00:10:56,480 Speaker 1: experience emotions more strongly are more likely to resort two 158 00:10:56,520 --> 00:11:00,240 Speaker 1: toxic habits to regulate those feelings. For example, as a 159 00:11:00,280 --> 00:11:04,360 Speaker 1: study published in twenty nineteen in the Netherlands that found 160 00:11:04,440 --> 00:11:09,240 Speaker 1: that people who displayed higher quartersole reactivity were more likely 161 00:11:09,320 --> 00:11:13,240 Speaker 1: to try to get out of a maze using the 162 00:11:13,280 --> 00:11:18,120 Speaker 1: same roots that they'd already tried, compared to people with 163 00:11:18,200 --> 00:11:23,079 Speaker 1: a lower quartersole reactivity who engaged in flexible goal directed 164 00:11:23,080 --> 00:11:27,160 Speaker 1: decision making, who tried new things. Can you see where 165 00:11:27,120 --> 00:11:29,599 Speaker 1: I'm getting with this? Your brain, if you have a 166 00:11:29,720 --> 00:11:33,640 Speaker 1: high high courtersol levels, if you're particularly prone to stress, 167 00:11:34,200 --> 00:11:38,000 Speaker 1: prone to deep emotions, your brain is like, oh my god, 168 00:11:38,360 --> 00:11:42,360 Speaker 1: it just keeps trying to use the same exit that 169 00:11:43,160 --> 00:11:47,120 Speaker 1: doesn't open and doesn't let you reroute, find new paths, 170 00:11:47,360 --> 00:11:50,400 Speaker 1: build new habits. It just keeps going back to the 171 00:11:50,480 --> 00:11:54,320 Speaker 1: same places all the time. That's one part of this. 172 00:11:54,920 --> 00:11:58,720 Speaker 1: There is then the brain's reward system itself. I think 173 00:11:58,760 --> 00:12:01,240 Speaker 1: we tend to think that we all have the same 174 00:12:01,360 --> 00:12:04,040 Speaker 1: systems kind of available in our brain. We have the 175 00:12:04,040 --> 00:12:06,440 Speaker 1: same amygdala, we have the same frontal lob of the 176 00:12:06,480 --> 00:12:11,720 Speaker 1: same brain stem dopamine systems. True, but not true. The function, 177 00:12:11,840 --> 00:12:15,880 Speaker 1: even the form of these systems does actually vary person 178 00:12:15,920 --> 00:12:20,960 Speaker 1: to person. Some people have differences in how their brains 179 00:12:21,040 --> 00:12:24,200 Speaker 1: signal dopamine, particularly when it comes to genes like the 180 00:12:24,280 --> 00:12:27,439 Speaker 1: DRD two gene and this DOMT gene if you want 181 00:12:27,440 --> 00:12:29,120 Speaker 1: to get really scientific with it, if you want to 182 00:12:29,120 --> 00:12:33,560 Speaker 1: look it up. Basically, these genes influence dopamine regulation and 183 00:12:33,720 --> 00:12:39,359 Speaker 1: how strongly your brain responds to rewards and quick dopamine, 184 00:12:39,920 --> 00:12:42,800 Speaker 1: like the quick dopamine you get from your phone, like 185 00:12:42,840 --> 00:12:47,200 Speaker 1: the quick dopamine you get from drugs, from alcohol, from nicotine, 186 00:12:47,280 --> 00:12:51,720 Speaker 1: from impulse purchasing, from impulsive emotional decisions to do with 187 00:12:51,840 --> 00:12:56,560 Speaker 1: the love. Research shows that certain variants of these genes 188 00:12:56,920 --> 00:13:01,400 Speaker 1: are associated with more and stronger rewards seaking behavior and 189 00:13:01,559 --> 00:13:06,160 Speaker 1: faster reinforcement learning. So basically, you pick up toxic habits quicker. 190 00:13:06,640 --> 00:13:10,640 Speaker 1: Another example, individuals with lower availability of what we call 191 00:13:10,760 --> 00:13:15,599 Speaker 1: d two dopamine receptors may experience not just reward more intensely, 192 00:13:16,040 --> 00:13:20,200 Speaker 1: but the absence of reward more painfully. So it's harder 193 00:13:20,240 --> 00:13:24,480 Speaker 1: to break the habit cycle you get in quicker, it's 194 00:13:24,520 --> 00:13:29,000 Speaker 1: so much harder to get out. It sounds very complicated. Basically, 195 00:13:29,200 --> 00:13:32,840 Speaker 1: your brain may just code certain behaviors differently and is 196 00:13:32,880 --> 00:13:36,280 Speaker 1: more important and more worthy of repeating because of how 197 00:13:36,320 --> 00:13:42,760 Speaker 1: your brain receives dopamine it's pretty unfair. Unfortunately, it doesn't 198 00:13:43,240 --> 00:13:45,200 Speaker 1: mean you can't change. It just means that you have 199 00:13:45,240 --> 00:13:48,800 Speaker 1: to understand those systems a little bit better and how 200 00:13:48,840 --> 00:13:53,000 Speaker 1: to navigate the differences in your dopamine systems compared to 201 00:13:53,000 --> 00:13:55,960 Speaker 1: somebody else. When you're trying to break a habit, that 202 00:13:56,120 --> 00:13:59,080 Speaker 1: is the nature element of it. We can't forget the 203 00:13:59,160 --> 00:14:02,400 Speaker 1: nurture element as well. Well. The environment you grew up 204 00:14:02,440 --> 00:14:05,680 Speaker 1: in is a huge contributor to the toxic habot cycle. 205 00:14:05,960 --> 00:14:09,640 Speaker 1: And what it really comes down to is whether you 206 00:14:09,679 --> 00:14:13,119 Speaker 1: were allowed to express emotion or whether you were required 207 00:14:13,240 --> 00:14:16,679 Speaker 1: to suppress it. If you grew up in a household 208 00:14:16,760 --> 00:14:21,000 Speaker 1: where feelings were ignored, mocked, punished, you went to a 209 00:14:21,040 --> 00:14:25,560 Speaker 1: school where or you encountered teachers even who told you 210 00:14:25,600 --> 00:14:28,680 Speaker 1: to be quiet, who thought your emotions were disruptive, if 211 00:14:28,680 --> 00:14:31,960 Speaker 1: you were bullied and you knew that being out with 212 00:14:32,000 --> 00:14:36,720 Speaker 1: the emotion would encourage more intense behavior, if you were 213 00:14:36,720 --> 00:14:39,720 Speaker 1: taught to be self reliant and self regulate, you are 214 00:14:39,760 --> 00:14:44,080 Speaker 1: going to learn to manage your emotions in the most direct, 215 00:14:44,720 --> 00:14:48,680 Speaker 1: quiet way possible, often using things that end up becoming 216 00:14:49,120 --> 00:14:54,480 Speaker 1: toxic habits. Basically, what this means, the first thing that 217 00:14:54,520 --> 00:14:58,200 Speaker 1: you encountered that allowed you to soothe yourself because you 218 00:14:58,240 --> 00:15:02,040 Speaker 1: weren't allowed to soothe yourself outwardly. Is going to be 219 00:15:02,080 --> 00:15:05,400 Speaker 1: the thing that your brain keeps coming back to and 220 00:15:05,520 --> 00:15:08,200 Speaker 1: keeps falling in love with until it replaces it with 221 00:15:08,280 --> 00:15:13,080 Speaker 1: something that's even better at suppressing your feelings. So maybe 222 00:15:13,320 --> 00:15:16,480 Speaker 1: you know you were like twelve when you first someone 223 00:15:16,520 --> 00:15:19,800 Speaker 1: first like offered you weed or somebody first offered you alcohol, 224 00:15:19,880 --> 00:15:22,160 Speaker 1: and it just gets better and better and better, Like 225 00:15:22,200 --> 00:15:25,320 Speaker 1: you just keep getting deeper and deeper into the belly 226 00:15:25,320 --> 00:15:27,520 Speaker 1: of this beast because that was the first thing that 227 00:15:27,600 --> 00:15:32,440 Speaker 1: made you feel okay. What's hard is that these habits 228 00:15:32,440 --> 00:15:36,560 Speaker 1: are often built on years of self repression and self silencing, 229 00:15:36,880 --> 00:15:40,320 Speaker 1: so they feel more familiar than feeling our feelings. When 230 00:15:40,320 --> 00:15:43,440 Speaker 1: a habit becomes tied to your way of coping, to 231 00:15:43,520 --> 00:15:46,520 Speaker 1: your identity, to your sense of self, it's harder to 232 00:15:46,600 --> 00:15:51,440 Speaker 1: let go of, not because the behavior is even necessarily pleasurable, 233 00:15:52,360 --> 00:15:54,840 Speaker 1: but because it feels like a familiar part of who 234 00:15:54,920 --> 00:15:59,400 Speaker 1: you are, and your brain will always choose the known 235 00:16:00,120 --> 00:16:05,600 Speaker 1: for the unknown, even when the known hurts us. Okay, 236 00:16:06,480 --> 00:16:09,440 Speaker 1: now that we kind of understand why these habits form, 237 00:16:09,560 --> 00:16:12,600 Speaker 1: why they are so hard to shake. Let's talk about 238 00:16:12,600 --> 00:16:15,360 Speaker 1: the mistakes people make when trying to change them and 239 00:16:15,440 --> 00:16:24,000 Speaker 1: what you can do instead after this short break. So, 240 00:16:24,080 --> 00:16:28,120 Speaker 1: if you want to quit procrastinating, quit getting it sucked 241 00:16:28,160 --> 00:16:31,880 Speaker 1: into your phone constantly, quit eating food that doesn't make 242 00:16:31,920 --> 00:16:35,360 Speaker 1: you feel good, here are the four common mistakes you're 243 00:16:35,400 --> 00:16:39,160 Speaker 1: probably going to come up against initially. Mistake number one. 244 00:16:39,520 --> 00:16:42,160 Speaker 1: When most of us try to break a toxic habit, 245 00:16:42,600 --> 00:16:46,080 Speaker 1: we tend to approach it with this really great intensity, 246 00:16:46,200 --> 00:16:49,600 Speaker 1: which is amazing. We're very motivated. We have this like 247 00:16:50,080 --> 00:16:53,800 Speaker 1: this ends now idea. We suddenly decide that tomorrow will 248 00:16:53,840 --> 00:16:55,760 Speaker 1: be different. We will be stronger and more disciplined and 249 00:16:55,760 --> 00:16:58,200 Speaker 1: more determined than ever before, and that will be it. 250 00:16:58,480 --> 00:17:00,600 Speaker 1: We will be done with this, We will be free 251 00:17:00,640 --> 00:17:04,160 Speaker 1: of this habit. We genuinely mean it. The thing is, though, 252 00:17:04,520 --> 00:17:08,720 Speaker 1: willpower is actually a short term resource, not a long 253 00:17:08,800 --> 00:17:14,160 Speaker 1: term fuel source. Willpower isn't designed to carry you long term. 254 00:17:14,200 --> 00:17:18,000 Speaker 1: It's designed to be the spark, and it is deeply 255 00:17:18,080 --> 00:17:25,280 Speaker 1: impacted by sleep, stress, hormones, mood, hunger. So if you're 256 00:17:25,280 --> 00:17:28,760 Speaker 1: relying on sheer effort to overcome a behavior that is 257 00:17:29,160 --> 00:17:32,840 Speaker 1: an automatic part of your brain you are literally fighting 258 00:17:32,920 --> 00:17:40,760 Speaker 1: your neurology, your neurologically ingrained patterns with a fleeting feeling 259 00:17:41,119 --> 00:17:44,600 Speaker 1: of desire to change. And what often happens is that 260 00:17:45,040 --> 00:17:47,080 Speaker 1: life happens. You know, you get tired, you have a 261 00:17:47,080 --> 00:17:51,640 Speaker 1: bad day, something triggers you emotionally and crucially. You may 262 00:17:51,720 --> 00:17:55,880 Speaker 1: have willpower, but what you don't have are other skills 263 00:17:55,960 --> 00:17:59,480 Speaker 1: or habits to manage the feeling. And suddenly we find 264 00:17:59,520 --> 00:18:02,679 Speaker 1: ourselves right back where we started, repeating the thing we 265 00:18:02,720 --> 00:18:05,520 Speaker 1: swore we wouldn't and then we also fall into this 266 00:18:05,560 --> 00:18:08,240 Speaker 1: self blame cycle. This is all my fault. I wasn't 267 00:18:08,240 --> 00:18:13,520 Speaker 1: strong enough. No, it's because when you created this plan, 268 00:18:14,000 --> 00:18:18,120 Speaker 1: you didn't plan with an alternative in mind. You can't 269 00:18:18,320 --> 00:18:21,639 Speaker 1: just expect yourself not to scroll if you don't know 270 00:18:21,640 --> 00:18:23,439 Speaker 1: what to do instead. If you don't have a book 271 00:18:23,760 --> 00:18:26,320 Speaker 1: you're interested in, you don't have a project you're working on, 272 00:18:26,640 --> 00:18:29,160 Speaker 1: you don't have a diary to write in. You have 273 00:18:29,240 --> 00:18:32,280 Speaker 1: to have a plan be you know, a plan be 274 00:18:32,440 --> 00:18:35,720 Speaker 1: habit for smoking, maybe chewing gum, a plan b habit 275 00:18:35,760 --> 00:18:39,359 Speaker 1: for always saying yes to plans, maybe putting standing appointments 276 00:18:39,400 --> 00:18:44,040 Speaker 1: with yourself in your calendar. You have to have alternatives available. 277 00:18:44,680 --> 00:18:48,240 Speaker 1: Another powerful thing we can do to counteract this error 278 00:18:48,800 --> 00:18:51,679 Speaker 1: is a just your environment, so that the habit that 279 00:18:51,720 --> 00:18:54,760 Speaker 1: you don't want to do becomes harder to perform than 280 00:18:54,800 --> 00:18:57,439 Speaker 1: the habit that you do want to do. Your brain 281 00:18:58,200 --> 00:19:03,679 Speaker 1: loves the path least resistance, so create some resistance for 282 00:19:03,720 --> 00:19:06,120 Speaker 1: the things you don't want to engage in and reduce 283 00:19:06,240 --> 00:19:08,639 Speaker 1: resistance for the things you do want to engage in. 284 00:19:09,160 --> 00:19:12,320 Speaker 1: If alcohol isn't in your house, you can't reach for it. 285 00:19:12,720 --> 00:19:15,160 Speaker 1: If the phone is in the other room, you can't 286 00:19:15,200 --> 00:19:19,199 Speaker 1: hit snooze. If you stock your fridge full of bright, yummy, 287 00:19:19,280 --> 00:19:22,520 Speaker 1: colorful food, you're less likely to order take out. So 288 00:19:22,560 --> 00:19:26,240 Speaker 1: by creating less friction between you and your ability to 289 00:19:26,320 --> 00:19:29,919 Speaker 1: carry out more positive habits, these are the behaviors that 290 00:19:29,920 --> 00:19:33,040 Speaker 1: are more likely to be done. Our second stumbling point 291 00:19:33,160 --> 00:19:35,920 Speaker 1: is that we tend to, you know, not just rely 292 00:19:36,000 --> 00:19:40,000 Speaker 1: on willpower, but start too big. We set perfect, dramatic 293 00:19:40,119 --> 00:19:43,240 Speaker 1: rules for ourselves, often multiple rules at the same time, 294 00:19:43,720 --> 00:19:47,359 Speaker 1: and we go cold turkey all at once. We plan 295 00:19:47,480 --> 00:19:50,280 Speaker 1: to do multiple things every single day, and our brain 296 00:19:50,359 --> 00:19:53,960 Speaker 1: is overloaded. This is why things like the seventy five 297 00:19:54,040 --> 00:19:57,440 Speaker 1: Hard Challenge are so difficult. Mentally, and why the fail 298 00:19:57,520 --> 00:20:01,159 Speaker 1: rate is like one estimate I saw, it's over ninety 299 00:20:01,200 --> 00:20:05,160 Speaker 1: five percent. There's too many rules to follow all at 300 00:20:05,160 --> 00:20:08,520 Speaker 1: once that differ from your norm and differ from your baseline. 301 00:20:09,040 --> 00:20:11,480 Speaker 1: I have so many thoughts about the seventy five hard challenge. 302 00:20:11,520 --> 00:20:14,720 Speaker 1: We could do an entire episode on it. But psychologists 303 00:20:14,800 --> 00:20:17,480 Speaker 1: know if you want long term change rather than an 304 00:20:17,560 --> 00:20:22,400 Speaker 1: incremental one off change, we as humans don't respond well 305 00:20:22,400 --> 00:20:26,800 Speaker 1: to dramatic shifts. We respond to consistency and baby steps. 306 00:20:27,480 --> 00:20:30,800 Speaker 1: When the bar is set at perfection, the first slip 307 00:20:30,880 --> 00:20:34,920 Speaker 1: up feels detrimental, So instead of continuing, we abandon the 308 00:20:34,920 --> 00:20:39,120 Speaker 1: effort altogether. Not because we're incapable of change, but because 309 00:20:39,560 --> 00:20:45,000 Speaker 1: we've made the terms of change impossible to sustain. How 310 00:20:45,000 --> 00:20:49,440 Speaker 1: do we counteract that? Make just one small rule for yourself, 311 00:20:50,040 --> 00:20:53,680 Speaker 1: one rule at a time. I won't vape until midday. 312 00:20:54,359 --> 00:20:57,920 Speaker 1: I can scroll on my phone, but only in this position, 313 00:20:58,400 --> 00:21:02,800 Speaker 1: only for one hour. I can drink, just not on weekdays. 314 00:21:02,960 --> 00:21:05,760 Speaker 1: I can buy things I want, but only after I 315 00:21:05,800 --> 00:21:10,800 Speaker 1: sell something. I already own one rule, one rule that 316 00:21:10,840 --> 00:21:15,280 Speaker 1: minimizes to begin with, and take that one rule seriously, 317 00:21:15,960 --> 00:21:18,879 Speaker 1: then you can build from that platform. Of self trust, 318 00:21:19,119 --> 00:21:21,320 Speaker 1: of proving to yourself that you can do it, and 319 00:21:21,359 --> 00:21:23,440 Speaker 1: you can build the house one brick at a time, 320 00:21:23,920 --> 00:21:26,919 Speaker 1: rather than starting with the roof, rather than starting with 321 00:21:27,040 --> 00:21:30,320 Speaker 1: like a complete overhaul that you don't actually have the 322 00:21:30,359 --> 00:21:34,520 Speaker 1: mental resources yet to see through. The third common pitfall 323 00:21:34,640 --> 00:21:36,680 Speaker 1: that most people do fall into is they try to 324 00:21:36,760 --> 00:21:40,400 Speaker 1: change the behavior. We don't address the emotion that drives it. 325 00:21:40,600 --> 00:21:42,720 Speaker 1: You know, we decide to stop doom spending, but we 326 00:21:42,760 --> 00:21:45,520 Speaker 1: don't ask, you know what am I avoiding my spending 327 00:21:45,520 --> 00:21:47,919 Speaker 1: all this money? We want to stop drinking when we 328 00:21:47,960 --> 00:21:50,960 Speaker 1: feel socially anxious, but we don't explore, you know, what 329 00:21:51,119 --> 00:21:54,000 Speaker 1: is it about meeting people that feel so uncomfortable? What 330 00:21:54,040 --> 00:21:58,320 Speaker 1: am I actually afraid of? If the habit is soothing 331 00:21:58,359 --> 00:22:03,000 Speaker 1: something within us, moving the habit without understanding the beast 332 00:22:03,119 --> 00:22:07,040 Speaker 1: that it's actually trying to slay is pretty pointless. Your 333 00:22:07,040 --> 00:22:10,000 Speaker 1: brain's just going to return to the fastest source of 334 00:22:10,160 --> 00:22:15,440 Speaker 1: relief it knows. The alternative is obviously therapy, but also 335 00:22:15,960 --> 00:22:19,160 Speaker 1: confronting the fear that the habit is asking you to avoid. 336 00:22:20,119 --> 00:22:22,520 Speaker 1: Here are like some initial questions that you can just 337 00:22:22,840 --> 00:22:25,520 Speaker 1: sit with right now, to maybe just give yourself a 338 00:22:25,520 --> 00:22:28,760 Speaker 1: few answers. What are you afraid might happen if you 339 00:22:28,920 --> 00:22:32,800 Speaker 1: don't engage in this behavior? And why does this outcome 340 00:22:33,200 --> 00:22:37,560 Speaker 1: scare you so much? What need is this habit trying 341 00:22:37,600 --> 00:22:42,840 Speaker 1: to meet? Comfort? Connection, control, maybe distraction? What are some 342 00:22:42,920 --> 00:22:46,240 Speaker 1: other ways I can give that to myself? What would 343 00:22:46,280 --> 00:22:50,040 Speaker 1: it look like to face that uncomfortable feeling? Would I 344 00:22:50,080 --> 00:22:54,280 Speaker 1: survive it? Would I survive it even for just thirty seconds? 345 00:22:55,600 --> 00:22:59,199 Speaker 1: This kind of brings us to our final point. We 346 00:22:59,280 --> 00:23:03,840 Speaker 1: often can't quit a toxic habit because we tell ourselves 347 00:23:03,920 --> 00:23:05,960 Speaker 1: that we're bad for doing it in the first place, 348 00:23:06,560 --> 00:23:11,439 Speaker 1: rather than acknowledging why we are trying so hard to escape. 349 00:23:11,480 --> 00:23:13,760 Speaker 1: You know, I know people have different ideas on this. 350 00:23:14,440 --> 00:23:18,280 Speaker 1: People think tough love works, shame works. You have to 351 00:23:18,320 --> 00:23:20,760 Speaker 1: get to your tipping point. You need to like stop 352 00:23:20,800 --> 00:23:24,280 Speaker 1: making excuses for yourself. But we know what the evidence 353 00:23:24,320 --> 00:23:29,119 Speaker 1: actually says. Having unconditional love for yourself and your mistakes 354 00:23:29,119 --> 00:23:34,840 Speaker 1: in this process creates the internal emotional environment to fortify 355 00:23:34,880 --> 00:23:37,800 Speaker 1: you from the inside, to give you that sense of 356 00:23:37,840 --> 00:23:40,800 Speaker 1: trust and love that you can try time and time again. 357 00:23:41,240 --> 00:23:44,880 Speaker 1: You can fail, It's okay, and you understand why this 358 00:23:44,920 --> 00:23:50,280 Speaker 1: is happening, so that you can provide alternatives. So those 359 00:23:50,320 --> 00:23:52,000 Speaker 1: are the pitfalls. What are some of the other things 360 00:23:52,040 --> 00:23:54,879 Speaker 1: that we can do. One of the most effective plans 361 00:23:54,880 --> 00:23:56,640 Speaker 1: of attack if you want to change a toxic habit 362 00:23:56,680 --> 00:24:01,560 Speaker 1: cycle is identity based. Change. Behavior follows identity, not the 363 00:24:01,600 --> 00:24:05,040 Speaker 1: other way around. When you begin to see yourself as 364 00:24:05,040 --> 00:24:09,040 Speaker 1: someone who is capable of change, who is learning new things, 365 00:24:09,080 --> 00:24:13,000 Speaker 1: who is showing up differently, the behavior begins to align 366 00:24:13,040 --> 00:24:16,840 Speaker 1: with that story. If you want to stay within the 367 00:24:16,880 --> 00:24:21,480 Speaker 1: confines of I'm just someone who's impulsive, I'm just someone 368 00:24:21,520 --> 00:24:24,480 Speaker 1: who's lazy. This is just who I am. And you 369 00:24:24,520 --> 00:24:28,280 Speaker 1: don't challenge those core beliefs, you are not going to change. 370 00:24:29,119 --> 00:24:31,840 Speaker 1: You need to flip the script and challenge the parts 371 00:24:31,840 --> 00:24:36,439 Speaker 1: of your identity that have fallen into these patterns, like 372 00:24:37,160 --> 00:24:39,600 Speaker 1: who believe that this is just who they are? So 373 00:24:39,640 --> 00:24:41,600 Speaker 1: what I want you to do is write down five 374 00:24:41,760 --> 00:24:44,280 Speaker 1: statements about the kind of person you want to be 375 00:24:44,920 --> 00:24:47,399 Speaker 1: and the kind of person who would beat this habit 376 00:24:47,480 --> 00:24:50,960 Speaker 1: or who wouldn't engage in it, things like I'm someone 377 00:24:51,000 --> 00:24:53,960 Speaker 1: who values health, i am someone who is in control. 378 00:24:54,280 --> 00:24:57,160 Speaker 1: I'm someone who is naturally a good spender. If you've 379 00:24:57,160 --> 00:24:59,879 Speaker 1: read Atomic Habits, which I'm sure a lot of you have. 380 00:25:00,080 --> 00:25:04,639 Speaker 1: This will sound familiar to you. Identity based change. Believing 381 00:25:04,800 --> 00:25:06,880 Speaker 1: first that you are the kind of person who performs 382 00:25:06,920 --> 00:25:10,400 Speaker 1: its behavior before attempting it will help you do it. 383 00:25:10,480 --> 00:25:13,800 Speaker 1: But you know the science and the research backs this up. 384 00:25:14,240 --> 00:25:17,840 Speaker 1: When a new behavior feels aligned with your identity or 385 00:25:17,880 --> 00:25:20,760 Speaker 1: your desired identity, you are more likely to do it. 386 00:25:21,720 --> 00:25:24,960 Speaker 1: Another way we can teach our brain and new pathway 387 00:25:25,520 --> 00:25:29,960 Speaker 1: is through mental rehearsal. There is so much research on 388 00:25:30,040 --> 00:25:34,360 Speaker 1: the overlap of neural circuits that we use when imagining 389 00:25:34,440 --> 00:25:38,639 Speaker 1: doing something and actually carrying out that thing. For example, 390 00:25:38,960 --> 00:25:42,600 Speaker 1: a twenty eighteen paper from the University of Colorado, Boulder 391 00:25:43,040 --> 00:25:49,119 Speaker 1: found that mentally imagining a fear inducing situation helps people 392 00:25:49,200 --> 00:25:53,120 Speaker 1: process and unlearn that fear just as much as being 393 00:25:53,160 --> 00:25:57,600 Speaker 1: in that situation themselves in person. Having that in person exposure. 394 00:25:59,000 --> 00:26:01,040 Speaker 1: You know something crazy that I heard the other day. 395 00:26:01,600 --> 00:26:04,320 Speaker 1: I cannot remember where I heard this, but this woman 396 00:26:04,440 --> 00:26:08,800 Speaker 1: was talking about how people who exercise a lot, when 397 00:26:08,800 --> 00:26:11,119 Speaker 1: they were put into an experimental condition when they were 398 00:26:11,160 --> 00:26:18,640 Speaker 1: asked to visualize themselves exercising, visualize themselves lifting heavyweights for 399 00:26:19,160 --> 00:26:23,000 Speaker 1: twenty minutes a day when they came back after not 400 00:26:23,200 --> 00:26:27,159 Speaker 1: exercising for a number of weeks. They were actually stronger. 401 00:26:27,240 --> 00:26:31,840 Speaker 1: Their muscles actually showed a response to these positive thoughts 402 00:26:31,880 --> 00:26:36,520 Speaker 1: they'd had about their strength and about their ability. That's 403 00:26:37,440 --> 00:26:42,160 Speaker 1: crazy to me, that's wild. So just picturing yourself being 404 00:26:42,200 --> 00:26:46,679 Speaker 1: able to beat this habit, picturing yourself denying yourself the 405 00:26:46,720 --> 00:26:53,760 Speaker 1: behavior saying no, pausing that rehearsal like that is not 406 00:26:53,840 --> 00:26:58,600 Speaker 1: wasted effort because the moment that that que actually arrives 407 00:26:58,640 --> 00:27:02,600 Speaker 1: and you actually encounter and you have imagined yourself being 408 00:27:02,640 --> 00:27:05,840 Speaker 1: able to avoid it say no to it in the past, 409 00:27:06,400 --> 00:27:11,560 Speaker 1: you have a mental script to follow. This is the 410 00:27:11,600 --> 00:27:14,359 Speaker 1: thing I feel like we just keep coming back to this. 411 00:27:14,920 --> 00:27:20,160 Speaker 1: Micro movements, micro moments, micro changes, just these small acts 412 00:27:20,160 --> 00:27:24,960 Speaker 1: of resistance are so powerful. It's also why people talk 413 00:27:25,000 --> 00:27:27,640 Speaker 1: about the five minute rule when we want to break 414 00:27:27,720 --> 00:27:31,400 Speaker 1: toxic habit cycles. If you can just avoid the toxic 415 00:27:31,440 --> 00:27:35,440 Speaker 1: habit for five minutes, you can avoid it for five days, 416 00:27:35,480 --> 00:27:38,439 Speaker 1: five years, for the rest of your life. Just avoid 417 00:27:38,480 --> 00:27:41,520 Speaker 1: it for five minutes, and when that's done, five more minutes, 418 00:27:41,640 --> 00:27:45,520 Speaker 1: five more minutes, even thirty seconds. The research behind this 419 00:27:45,640 --> 00:27:50,520 Speaker 1: basically says that five minutes even just a small chunk 420 00:27:50,560 --> 00:27:55,200 Speaker 1: of time is enough for your frontal lobe to switch 421 00:27:55,240 --> 00:27:59,400 Speaker 1: on or for your conscious decision making to overwhelm outweigh 422 00:27:59,640 --> 00:28:03,320 Speaker 1: into your unconscious decision making. We've spoken a lot about 423 00:28:03,320 --> 00:28:07,800 Speaker 1: how the reason toxic habits remain is because we've never 424 00:28:07,920 --> 00:28:11,399 Speaker 1: actually asked our brain to do something differently or relate 425 00:28:11,440 --> 00:28:15,600 Speaker 1: to our emotions differently, and so it's become an automatic response. 426 00:28:16,240 --> 00:28:19,760 Speaker 1: Time is the easiest way to counteract something that is 427 00:28:19,800 --> 00:28:24,720 Speaker 1: automatic and happening instantaneously. If you can just give yourself 428 00:28:25,640 --> 00:28:31,000 Speaker 1: a few seconds a few minutes, the rational executive functioning 429 00:28:31,040 --> 00:28:34,119 Speaker 1: part of your brain will switch on and will allow 430 00:28:34,160 --> 00:28:37,880 Speaker 1: you to really start questioning from a value point of view. 431 00:28:38,320 --> 00:28:41,600 Speaker 1: Do I want to do this? Do I actually want 432 00:28:41,600 --> 00:28:44,000 Speaker 1: to do this? Or is there something else I can do? 433 00:28:44,400 --> 00:28:47,440 Speaker 1: The final way you can really engage in breaking a 434 00:28:47,520 --> 00:28:53,400 Speaker 1: toxic habit is to learn that long term gratification is 435 00:28:53,520 --> 00:28:59,160 Speaker 1: so much more enjoyable than immediate gratification. When you truly 436 00:28:59,480 --> 00:29:03,200 Speaker 1: wait for something, work for something, want something, the reward 437 00:29:03,240 --> 00:29:06,200 Speaker 1: is so much sweeter. When you only drink on a Saturday, 438 00:29:07,000 --> 00:29:10,960 Speaker 1: you know, the alcohol suddenly tastes better when you only 439 00:29:11,560 --> 00:29:14,600 Speaker 1: buy items that you really care about and that you 440 00:29:14,640 --> 00:29:17,960 Speaker 1: know you're gonna wear you treasure them more. When you 441 00:29:18,440 --> 00:29:26,560 Speaker 1: delay something for a more fruitful worthwhile exciting outcome, you 442 00:29:26,640 --> 00:29:30,280 Speaker 1: become addicted to this idea of hard work and effort 443 00:29:30,360 --> 00:29:34,560 Speaker 1: towards something bigger. So what you need to do is 444 00:29:34,640 --> 00:29:39,720 Speaker 1: give yourself three rewards in the next three months, a 445 00:29:39,840 --> 00:29:43,360 Speaker 1: reward for not doing the behavior for one week, a 446 00:29:43,400 --> 00:29:46,600 Speaker 1: reward for not doing the behavior for one month, and 447 00:29:46,640 --> 00:29:50,400 Speaker 1: a reward for not doing the behavior for three months 448 00:29:51,080 --> 00:29:53,960 Speaker 1: setting And they can't be small, these rewards, by the way, 449 00:29:54,360 --> 00:29:58,160 Speaker 1: like they have to be significant, and you have to 450 00:29:59,000 --> 00:30:01,680 Speaker 1: ensure that you're going to deliver them to yourself, but 451 00:30:01,680 --> 00:30:04,480 Speaker 1: that you're going to wait. Whether it's like an item 452 00:30:04,520 --> 00:30:09,240 Speaker 1: of clothing, it's a trip, it's an experience, it's I 453 00:30:09,240 --> 00:30:12,160 Speaker 1: don't know, a moment of indulgence, whatever it is. You 454 00:30:12,320 --> 00:30:15,520 Speaker 1: have to start to train your brain and show your brain, 455 00:30:15,640 --> 00:30:20,000 Speaker 1: show yourself that when you wait for things, they feel better. 456 00:30:20,320 --> 00:30:24,040 Speaker 1: By giving yourself just this opportunity, this three month exercise 457 00:30:24,600 --> 00:30:28,400 Speaker 1: to prove that to yourself, you will only learn this feeling, 458 00:30:28,800 --> 00:30:32,400 Speaker 1: this feeling of long term gratification through experience. It's the 459 00:30:32,520 --> 00:30:35,520 Speaker 1: only way that you will know that the feelings are different. 460 00:30:35,880 --> 00:30:38,600 Speaker 1: So challenge yourself to do this exercise. Write down the 461 00:30:38,640 --> 00:30:41,200 Speaker 1: three rewards are going to give yourself, make sure they're 462 00:30:41,200 --> 00:30:43,440 Speaker 1: big enough, and then use all of these other tips 463 00:30:43,440 --> 00:30:47,400 Speaker 1: that we've given you to get to those points to 464 00:30:47,560 --> 00:30:51,960 Speaker 1: chase that more enriching feeling. I want to remind you 465 00:30:52,560 --> 00:30:55,320 Speaker 1: this is going to take time. There will be days 466 00:30:55,360 --> 00:30:58,720 Speaker 1: when your old habit wins. And this is well, the 467 00:30:58,720 --> 00:31:01,959 Speaker 1: most important part of all relapse is not the end 468 00:31:01,960 --> 00:31:04,320 Speaker 1: of the process. People will tell you it's part of it. 469 00:31:05,000 --> 00:31:07,400 Speaker 1: You do not unlearn a pathway in one quick motion. 470 00:31:08,160 --> 00:31:14,480 Speaker 1: Their entire industries worth billions of dollars supporting, you know, 471 00:31:14,720 --> 00:31:18,120 Speaker 1: built on the fact that people cannot break toxic habits 472 00:31:18,200 --> 00:31:22,280 Speaker 1: like the ones that you are injuring. The thing is 473 00:31:22,280 --> 00:31:24,960 Speaker 1: is that despite that, you will still you will still win. 474 00:31:25,440 --> 00:31:28,040 Speaker 1: Like I know it, you will still beat this. You 475 00:31:28,120 --> 00:31:30,800 Speaker 1: want to. You want to, and you're putting things into 476 00:31:31,240 --> 00:31:34,280 Speaker 1: place to help yourself, and you're taking advice on it. 477 00:31:34,760 --> 00:31:38,080 Speaker 1: And there is a part of you who deep down 478 00:31:39,080 --> 00:31:41,719 Speaker 1: knows that your life is going to be better because 479 00:31:41,760 --> 00:31:45,960 Speaker 1: you are changing this about yourself. You have a deep 480 00:31:46,000 --> 00:31:50,400 Speaker 1: investment in your future that only someone who knows they're 481 00:31:50,400 --> 00:31:54,840 Speaker 1: going to win. Has you care enough about this and 482 00:31:54,880 --> 00:31:57,080 Speaker 1: you're putting in the work, so you're going to be 483 00:31:57,120 --> 00:32:00,040 Speaker 1: willing to try and try again and try again and 484 00:32:00,120 --> 00:32:03,320 Speaker 1: learn every single time you maybe fail, and know that 485 00:32:03,360 --> 00:32:06,800 Speaker 1: you have to sometimes have those failures to build the 486 00:32:06,920 --> 00:32:09,480 Speaker 1: future strength to be able to beat this and to 487 00:32:09,520 --> 00:32:13,600 Speaker 1: be able to replace this toxic habit with better ones. 488 00:32:14,440 --> 00:32:16,680 Speaker 1: If there's one thing you take away from this episode, 489 00:32:17,560 --> 00:32:22,520 Speaker 1: it is that you cannot do anything change anything about yourself. 490 00:32:22,600 --> 00:32:24,680 Speaker 1: You will never be able to if you do not 491 00:32:24,760 --> 00:32:27,920 Speaker 1: change how you relate to yourself, and that is tend 492 00:32:28,000 --> 00:32:31,480 Speaker 1: to work. It asks you to look at the parts 493 00:32:31,520 --> 00:32:34,520 Speaker 1: of you that have been surviving in the best ways 494 00:32:34,560 --> 00:32:38,400 Speaker 1: they know how. It asks you to be honest about 495 00:32:38,400 --> 00:32:45,000 Speaker 1: what you avoid, your patterns, your needs, and recognize that 496 00:32:45,080 --> 00:32:49,120 Speaker 1: your current habits are nothing more than a band aid. 497 00:32:49,680 --> 00:32:52,840 Speaker 1: They are not helping you. And the version of you 498 00:32:53,480 --> 00:32:55,920 Speaker 1: that you want to be, who you want to see, 499 00:32:56,760 --> 00:32:59,840 Speaker 1: who you care about enough to be wanting to change, 500 00:33:00,120 --> 00:33:04,120 Speaker 1: to change right now, really needs you to be understanding 501 00:33:04,800 --> 00:33:09,280 Speaker 1: of the place you're in here in this moment, this 502 00:33:09,400 --> 00:33:15,640 Speaker 1: starting line position, where you have everything to gain and 503 00:33:15,680 --> 00:33:18,920 Speaker 1: everything to lose, and you're doing it anyways, and you 504 00:33:18,960 --> 00:33:22,480 Speaker 1: deserve tenderness and you deserve compassion for the habits that 505 00:33:22,520 --> 00:33:25,000 Speaker 1: you've built so far to survive. I hope that that 506 00:33:25,160 --> 00:33:27,800 Speaker 1: is like the message you really take away from this. 507 00:33:28,240 --> 00:33:31,640 Speaker 1: Thank you so much for listening. If you have made 508 00:33:31,680 --> 00:33:35,440 Speaker 1: it this far, I appreciate you listening to the full episode. 509 00:33:35,640 --> 00:33:38,880 Speaker 1: I'm appreciative that I have kept your attention for this long. 510 00:33:39,560 --> 00:33:42,600 Speaker 1: Leave a little message down below, what's the toxic habit 511 00:33:42,640 --> 00:33:45,240 Speaker 1: you're trying to break? I bet that there will be 512 00:33:45,240 --> 00:33:48,240 Speaker 1: other people who are also in the same boat. I 513 00:33:48,280 --> 00:33:50,880 Speaker 1: also want to remind you that this episode was also 514 00:33:51,120 --> 00:33:55,960 Speaker 1: on YouTube, so if you prefer watching future episodes rather 515 00:33:56,000 --> 00:33:58,640 Speaker 1: than listening to them, you can go and subscribe there. 516 00:33:58,760 --> 00:34:01,960 Speaker 1: We are also on Instagram that Psychology Podcast if you 517 00:34:02,480 --> 00:34:04,200 Speaker 1: want to keep up to date with what we're doing 518 00:34:04,720 --> 00:34:08,440 Speaker 1: behind the scenes with really cool guests that we have 519 00:34:08,560 --> 00:34:12,000 Speaker 1: coming up this December, or if you have an episode suggestion, 520 00:34:12,480 --> 00:34:16,160 Speaker 1: you can d and me there. Special thanks today to 521 00:34:16,320 --> 00:34:20,359 Speaker 1: Libby Colbert for her research contributions to this episode. Big 522 00:34:20,400 --> 00:34:24,160 Speaker 1: shout out to Libby. She is just the legend behind 523 00:34:24,200 --> 00:34:27,040 Speaker 1: the scenes and we appreciate her. But until next time, 524 00:34:27,239 --> 00:34:32,680 Speaker 1: stay safe, be kind, especially today, Be gentle with yourself, 525 00:34:32,840 --> 00:34:34,799 Speaker 1: and we will talk very very soon.