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Speaker 1: Hi, everyone, This is Jamie Loftus and you're listening to

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Speaker 1: Thank you so much. I invited all my phone to

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Speaker 1: plod for me today. Uh. It's that time of year, everyone,

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Speaker 1: where we read an excerpt from my unproduced five hour

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Speaker 1: long screenplay Santa University. Uh. We did it last year

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Speaker 1: and uh at least two or three people enjoyed it,

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Speaker 1: which was enough reason to get back on the fucking

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Speaker 1: horse and write another section of the movie. So, uh,

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Speaker 1: we've got We've got approximately five people in the room today,

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Speaker 1: thrilled to have everyone there. Uh uh and yeah, I

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Speaker 1: will do a brief recap of what I mean. If

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Speaker 1: you are not caught up on the Santa University multiverse,

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Speaker 1: we'll catch up. But let's let's meet our cast first.

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Speaker 1: My name is Jamie. I'll be reading the action lines today.

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Speaker 1: Let's let's let's go this way. My name is Jack O'Brien.

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Speaker 1: I will be playing God Santa. I'm Robert Evans and

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Speaker 1: I'm going to be second Amendment Santa. I'm honestly nous

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Speaker 1: and I'm gonna do hot Elf and Mike Santa. Hello.

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Speaker 1: My name is Edgarmope was there, and I'll be playing

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Speaker 1: Cool Santa. Thank you. My name is Caitlin Darante and

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Speaker 1: I am not hot Elf, Jill Santa, Ticket, Terry Santa,

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Speaker 1: Weed Santa and too many DVDs Santa. Yeah. Hi, my

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Speaker 1: name is Miles and um I'll be playing Dan Santa today. Sorry. Great. Hello.

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Speaker 1: My name is Jacques samad Neil and I will be

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Speaker 1: playing Onion Santa in the Hell Santa Podcast, Santa Arms

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Speaker 1: for Eyes Santa, and honored to be also playing Jamie. Hi.

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Speaker 1: My name is Anna Hostnia and i will be reprising

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Speaker 1: my role as Gal Santa. Hi. I'm Sophia like Jermy,

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Speaker 1: and I'll be paying the L four woman. Hi. My

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Speaker 1: name is Sharne Lana Unite, and I'll be playing Intellect

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Speaker 1: Santa and Panicked Santa. Al Right, well, sorry in advance.

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Speaker 1: If this is bad, let's begin. Did I read it regular?

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Speaker 1: I'll be a regular voice. I trust, I trust your

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Speaker 1: your work. I mean you're reprising the lead role, so

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Speaker 1: no regular should do it. Fine? That little encouraging you could, alright.

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Speaker 1: Exterior Santa University construction site. Note if any actor tries

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Speaker 1: to improvise during the filming of this movie, I will

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Speaker 1: kill myself. It's the prologue to the movie Santa University

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Speaker 1: that no one has expressed interest in during the ensuing

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Speaker 1: months of its last performance. In fact, very little has changed.

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Speaker 1: In fact, the expected trajectory of late capitalism and personal

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Speaker 1: despair has just continued. Anyways, hot Elf and not hot

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Speaker 1: Elf are using tiny hammers to build Santa University and

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Speaker 1: hold discourse. I don't understand all Santa's need to die. Hey,

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Speaker 1: shut up, you're not hot, and I don't have to

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Speaker 1: listen to you. Why not just accept applications spectacle? You

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Speaker 1: fuck has to be a better way. I don't have

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Speaker 1: to listen to you. You look like shit. The Oh

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Speaker 1: for a Woman Progressive appears. Does anyone remember what happened

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Speaker 1: in Santa University last year? Let's ask the writer of

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Speaker 1: at the University. She is hot. Not hot Elf pulls

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Speaker 1: Jamie from a nearby pile of rubble. She is a

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Speaker 1: little shaken from whatever experience landed her in the rubble,

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Speaker 1: but it is nonetheless thrilled to be there. Hey, everyone,

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Speaker 1: the last time we heard from Santa University it was

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Speaker 1: two thousand and seventeen. Now it is two thousand and eighteen,

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Speaker 1: and we have all decayed, including the writer's brain. So

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Speaker 1: this might not be as funny as the first one. Anyways.

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Speaker 1: Santa University is a tale as old as time. Dan Santa,

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Speaker 1: who looks like shit and can't even read, gets recruited

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Speaker 1: to go to Santa University after he gets rejected from

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Speaker 1: every college even lets. He goes to Santa You and

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Speaker 1: meets Dean Santa, the guy in charge, who tells him

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Speaker 1: that every year forty thou santa Is are admitted and

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Speaker 1: thirty nine thousand, nine d and ninety nine are killed

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Speaker 1: before graduation, crowning the one true Santa. Also, there are

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Speaker 1: female characters, but they are criminally underwritten. Gal Santa, for example,

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Speaker 1: is dating Cool Santa, but Cool Santa is a bit

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Speaker 1: of a jerk. There was a Santa named then Santa

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Speaker 1: who explodes into a cloud of blood. Anyway, at the end,

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Speaker 1: Dan Santa is killed. Here are some scenes that did

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Speaker 1: not make the cut last year. Goodbye, Thank you, Jamie.

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Speaker 1: That was a useful update. Hot Elf strangles not hot

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Speaker 1: Elf She's had enough. Not hot Elf simply isn't hot

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Speaker 1: enough to continue to live. Not hot Elf dies ah YouTube,

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Speaker 1: back to work, Jamie camera and smiles. I hope you

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Speaker 1: enjoyed this opening bit. Everyone on with the show Interior

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Speaker 1: Cafeteria day, Dan Santa and his loyal hot topic friend,

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Speaker 1: Goth Santa sit at the table with Gal Santa and

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Speaker 1: intellect Santa. Three of the meat, candy can and ham broth.

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Speaker 1: Dan Santa eat the glass. I failed my jingle mid

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Speaker 1: tim and his punishment, I must eat glass. You are

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Speaker 1: bad at school, sure that you will die soon? Is

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Speaker 1: everyone going to Santa prom unless you're a Dan Santa

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Speaker 1: and have a stupid mouthful of glass? That is promise?

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Speaker 1: Stupid Cool Santa, who was cool with muscles, approaches Cool

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Speaker 1: Santa coming through. He picks up Scrawny Santa, who never

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Speaker 1: did anything but help but raise his younger siblings when

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Speaker 1: his mother died in an avalanche, and snaps his neck.

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Speaker 1: No one reacts. Santa University is steeped in a culture

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Speaker 1: of death. Cool Santa places his hands, still covered in

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Speaker 1: the blood of Scrawny Santa, on Gal Santa's shoulders. Babe,

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Speaker 1: high Cool Santa my boyfriend for now. That is Cool Santa.

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Speaker 1: Promise for idiots. As a Goth, I frequently adopt a

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Speaker 1: counter culture stance to the norm, so I also feel

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Speaker 1: that prom is not for me, or should more closely

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Speaker 1: resemble a Tim Burton movie, but everyone's going to be there.

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Speaker 1: Light music starts. God Santa looks alarmed. Oh god, he's

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Speaker 1: not gonna sing, is he. He's snapping his fingers and

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Speaker 1: looking bagily in the distance. Just sing the Santas will

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Speaker 1: be there. Oh my god, he's gonna sing. Cool Santa.

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Speaker 1: If you love me, you will not sing this song

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Speaker 1: too late. The song is begun as Cool Santa sings

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Speaker 1: about each Santa. They pop out and single line themselves.

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Speaker 1: So begins one of the worst songs in Santa University song,

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Speaker 1: Meet the Santa. Writer's note, this is the song where

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Speaker 1: you meet on the Santa all the Santa's, most of

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Speaker 1: them will die. Santa, holding an onion, sings to camera,

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Speaker 1: Oh boy, your Santa, and I think I might cries,

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Speaker 1: and then tell Santa who will try to give you

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Speaker 1: a red pill? At the in cell Santa, who wears

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Speaker 1: a red Santa hood, he flips the camera off. I

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Speaker 1: never fucked, and often that means I will kill everyone Santa, unless,

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Speaker 1: of course die. Podcast Santa wears a flannel and a

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Speaker 1: supreme hat and waves a portable recorder at the camera.

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Speaker 1: I'm podcast Santa, and I've got a strong opinion, the

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Speaker 1: only people who agree always being agains. Here's a Santa

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Speaker 1: who was arms for uy Mood I wish to die,

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Speaker 1: and the Santa too many DVDs, Many DVD Santa does

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Speaker 1: a cart wheel, only Blue raised a whiplash, and Titania.

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Speaker 1: My personality is DVDs, regretfully. The song continues for twenty

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Speaker 1: six more. Versus There's a Santa who's in the d

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Speaker 1: s A a sneaker heads Hannah, a Santa raised by

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Speaker 1: old parents who has a three minute acapella solo about

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Speaker 1: how kids who grow up with old parents are fucking weird.

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Speaker 1: Everyone's exhausted. Note do not shorten this song or put

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Speaker 1: it in montage for any reason. This should be a

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Speaker 1: minimum of fourteen minutes. Second note, there should be security

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Speaker 1: in the theaters to ensure people do not leave during

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Speaker 1: this song. I will personally fund security staff to supervise

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Speaker 1: people in their homes if they are streaming Santa University.

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Speaker 1: If anyone, anyone at all streams the movie illegally, I

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Speaker 1: swear to God, I'll kill my cousin. At the end,

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Speaker 1: Cool Santa leans into Gal Santa. She is so upset

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Speaker 1: the song was so long. She's crying. Set prom he

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Speaker 1: frolics off. Gal Santa is distressed. She looks to the others,

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Speaker 1: but God Santa is gone. Where's God Santa? Oh? He

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Speaker 1: decided to go see Welcome Tomorrow when sometime during the

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Speaker 1: third verse, God Santa returned to the bucket of popcorn.

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Speaker 1: Tell you what I did? Feel welcome in Marwin? Is

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Speaker 1: the song done? You just finished my oh wow long song.

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Speaker 1: I don't think I want to date Cool Santa anymore?

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Speaker 1: Does that mean you wanted to date me? Gal Santa

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Speaker 1: throws a glass of egg Nogget Dan Santa, Dan Santa,

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Speaker 1: I can't say it enough. I look like shit and

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Speaker 1: I can't even read. The best way to break up

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Speaker 1: with Cool Santa would be to kill him. My dad

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Speaker 1: would be so mad if I killed Cool Santa. Trust me,

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Speaker 1: we can make a look an accident. As an intellectual,

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Speaker 1: I can talk the computers because Cool Santa can be

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Speaker 1: layer to death during the prom a laser to death.

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Speaker 1: Thank you so much, that's my fault, smile emoji. Plus,

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Speaker 1: if we mess it up, we can always have Dan

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Speaker 1: Santa and golf Sand to finish the job. They all

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Speaker 1: who will do whatever we say. It is true, Dan Santa,

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Speaker 1: you don't have to kill cool Santa, but perhaps it

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Speaker 1: would increase my esteem in your eyes if I did. Therefore,

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Speaker 1: moving our relationship forward, as we latch into the fourth

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Speaker 1: act of Santa University, dance Santa, shut your fucking mouth.

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Speaker 1: I will do it, Gal Santa, I will assist in

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Speaker 1: the kill. Smile, smile, smile, smile, smack, ellipses, smile, smile

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Speaker 1: with my tongue out, smile with an angry eyebrows. A

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Speaker 1: long beat between the four of them. You gotta see.

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Speaker 1: Welcome to Marrowin exterior the woods day received studio note

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Speaker 1: that Santa University didn't have enough Middle America a few

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Speaker 1: Dan Santa is wandering around the fringes of the Santa

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Speaker 1: University campus, looking like ship and not being able to

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Speaker 1: read as usual idiot, He talks to himself expositorially, Oh

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Speaker 1: man sent to University is so messed up. He steps

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Speaker 1: over the corpse of stand up comedian Santa, which was

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Speaker 1: probably for the best. Only briefly into the second act

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Speaker 1: of the movie Santa University, and already I Dan Santa,

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Speaker 1: the protagonists have proven myself to be a fish out

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Speaker 1: of water in this situation, now I am left being

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Speaker 1: asked to kill the coolest Santa in school. That being

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Speaker 1: cool Santa with nor knowledge of murder, I fear I

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Speaker 1: will always be a virgin who will never get kiss.

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Speaker 1: If only they were a mentor for me to discuss

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Speaker 1: these issues. Rustle in the bushes, Dan Santa quakes, I'm

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Speaker 1: quaking Second Amendment Santa. A grizzled Santa holding a musket

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Speaker 1: looms from the bushes. Dan Santa continues to quake. Somebody say,

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Speaker 1: a mentor for me to discuss these issues? Who are you?

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Speaker 1: I'm sick and Amendment Santa? Stinky? May I explain my

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Speaker 1: predicament in a song? He launches into his number, A

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Speaker 1: sultry little number that is a little Marlena Dietrich Honey

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Speaker 1: note For this song, it has to be completely improvised

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Speaker 1: by the actor explaining how he escapes Santa University and

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Speaker 1: has been living in the woods with a stockpile of guns. Unfortunately,

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Speaker 1: if the actor complies with the improvisation, he will have

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Speaker 1: to be killed per the note at the beginning of

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Speaker 1: the script. However, it has to be improvised song as

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Speaker 1: many guns as possible, regardless of what society he dictates.

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Speaker 1: Some people say that dead children aren't worth it for

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Speaker 1: some guns. But counter to that, may I propose to you, sir,

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Speaker 1: they look kind of neat. They look they look kind

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Speaker 1: of neat. So some schools might die, and some mall's

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Speaker 1: might get shot up, and some churches are gonna get

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Speaker 1: shot too, and nightclubs are gonna get shot. A lot

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Speaker 1: of movie theaters, a lot of shootings in movie theaters,

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Speaker 1: Christmas markets, really, any kind of public situation you can imagine. Yeah,

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Speaker 1: it's not, it's but you know it's it. If I've

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Speaker 1: go wow, really encry. Uh, He does a full split,

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Speaker 1: holding his musket up like a throbbing fallace. Dan Santa

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Speaker 1: still looking pretty bad and his reading skills not improved. Applaud.

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Speaker 1: So you escape Santa University. Had to fake my own death,

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Speaker 1: harpooned a friend and made it look like me. I've

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Speaker 1: been living in the bushes for five years, surviving on

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Speaker 1: the routing flesh of the stand up comedian Santa's wow

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Speaker 1: sacking amendment, Santa, I've really formed a bond with you.

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Speaker 1: Thank you. Did you know I kissed my gun before bedtime? Well?

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Speaker 1: I do are Maybe I'll get to watch it sometime.

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Speaker 1: What what that that came out wrong? I hope so

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Speaker 1: I just meant that, um no, no fence stand Santa.

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Speaker 1: But I'm not interested. That's not what I was saying.

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Speaker 1: And it's not because I'm I'm not queer and completely

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Speaker 1: accepting of queer culture, because I am. But you know,

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Speaker 1: my freaking gosh, mate, I am sorry embarrassed because you

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Speaker 1: look like shit. They sit in silence for a moment,

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Speaker 1: ruminating on Dan Santa's predicament, looking like shit. So do

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Speaker 1: you want to go to prom with me? I'd love

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Speaker 1: to Interior that don't hack in here room day, Gal

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Speaker 1: Santa and Intellect Santa sitting that don't hack room, and

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Speaker 1: yet they're hacking in Alexanta. My dad said, we're not

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Speaker 1: supposed to be hacking, and they don't hack in here room?

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Speaker 1: What makes them say that? Gal Santa stares at the

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Speaker 1: large sign reading don't hack. I'm not sure. A male

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Speaker 1: professor was telling me that if we hack into the

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Speaker 1: Santa University mainframe, we can control what happens at the

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Speaker 1: Santa Prom, the Santa Prom, the Santa Prom, the Santa

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Speaker 1: How did he say you could hack the prom? Pretty simple?

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Speaker 1: The Gymnasi unum is a rig with all sorts of

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Speaker 1: murder weapons during jingle practice and slave training and a

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Speaker 1: third Christmas sport, but the Dean Santa turns them off

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Speaker 1: during the prom to keep the Santa safe. To flick

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Speaker 1: his stick to the security footage, My dad is really cool.

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Speaker 1: Her dad is Dean Santa. Are you going to prom

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Speaker 1: the Santa prom with Dan Santa? No way, he looks

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Speaker 1: like ship, and don't forget he can't read. And at

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Speaker 1: this point in the narrative, Cool Santa is still my boyfriend. Hey,

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Speaker 1: did this seem pass the Bechdel test? No thought took

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Speaker 1: special care that it wouldn't. Leo Tolstoy. Why did you say,

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Speaker 1: Leo Tolstoy? Because if I hadn't, that exchange would have

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Speaker 1: passed the Battel test. Leo Tolstoy, Tolstoy. Jonathan, Friends and

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Speaker 1: Interior Santa prom night, Dan Santa and Gossanta wait in

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Speaker 1: line for Santa prom, looking like ship as usual. The

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Speaker 1: second Amendment. Santa is there too, and he cleans up

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Speaker 1: nice Weed Santa cuts them in line. Weed Santa, Man,

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Speaker 1: he's so cool. Do you remember the plant golf? Santa

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Speaker 1: my closest ally at Santa University. Yes, but for the

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Speaker 1: benefit of the audience, I will repeat it. The objective

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Speaker 1: of our promission is to kill Cool Santa, both because

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Speaker 1: he is a bully because that song he sang was

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Speaker 1: very long. In case the heck doesn't work, I will

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Speaker 1: have Second Amendment Santa use his musket to end Cool Santa.

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Speaker 1: Feels good to be part of something bigger than myself

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Speaker 1: against the cough heavily. I'm sorry. I've been living on

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Speaker 1: rotten flesh for several years, and I'm riddled with disease

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Speaker 1: as a result. Second Amendment Santa, you are wild. It

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Speaker 1: is their turn to go into the prom Ticket tearing

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Speaker 1: Santa tears their tickets. This is my time to shine.

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Speaker 1: Nice tad ticket tearing Santa, thank you, Dan Santa. Not

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Speaker 1: that I have torn the last ticket, I can finally

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Speaker 1: leave this earth, which has caused me such pain. Ticket

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Speaker 1: during Santa produces a sword and cut his own head off.

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Speaker 1: It's sad at first, but then you see his spirit

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Speaker 1: soar to heaven. Then it's kind of nice. Dan Santa.

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Speaker 1: Gos Santa and Second Amendment Santa proceed into the interior

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Speaker 1: Santa University Gymnasium. Night Everyone's loving the prom. Cool Santa

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Speaker 1: in particulars dancing is cool ass off, eyeing the prom

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Speaker 1: King and queen thrones across the room. Dan and Goth

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Speaker 1: can't resist the music and begin to dance badly. Interior

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Speaker 1: that don't hack and hear room today intellect Santa is hacking.

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Speaker 1: Gal Santa stares at the don't hack sign. Yeah, I'm

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Speaker 1: just feeling like we shouldn't hack here. Okay, so I

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Speaker 1: am in hacking and computer. The lasers are in place. Remember,

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Speaker 1: just kill cool Santa. I don't want to give blood

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Speaker 1: on my hands. Aside from the hundreds of Santa's, I

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Speaker 1: will need to kill with my hands to survive this year.

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Speaker 1: They're in position Santa University Gymnasium. Go Santa's dancing to

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Speaker 1: I write sins, not tragedies. He's thriving. Dan Santa stands

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Speaker 1: nervously on the sidelines with Second Amendment. Santa, I feel

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Speaker 1: that politically I should say that I don't agree with

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Speaker 1: bringing a musket to Santa Brome. You are heard. Dan

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Speaker 1: Santa looks up to the ceiling where the Santa lasers

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Speaker 1: are in place. They start to shift and we can

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Speaker 1: see their pointing directly at Cool Santa, who is mocking

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Speaker 1: God Santa's terrible Danna interior. Don't hack in here, room

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Speaker 1: to repeat what Dan Santa just said to increase tension.

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Speaker 1: This is it. She presses enter and allowed zappas her

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Speaker 1: Gal Santa winces and we see Gymnasium zap the laser

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Speaker 1: Mrs Cool Santa and hits in South Santa. He explodes,

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Speaker 1: the prom gasps a panic Santa shouts to the heavens,

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Speaker 1: we have anchored the lever. Don't hack and hear room

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Speaker 1: Gal Santa's frantic intellect. Santa's frozen. You missed, you missed Gymnasium.

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Speaker 1: Dan Santa and Second Amendment Santa run to God Santa

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Speaker 1: as the laser continues to zap at random, taking out

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Speaker 1: Santa's We've got to get out of here due to

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Speaker 1: the danger, not before I get Cool Santa before he

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Speaker 1: can finish the sentence. Second Amendment Santa is hit by

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Speaker 1: a laser and explodes in slow motion as Ave Maria

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Speaker 1: plays Dan Santa is so upset. Second Amendment Santa is

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Speaker 1: an unrecognizable pile of Santa flesh far more gold, another

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Speaker 1: b character we have grown attached to deceased. Note it

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Speaker 1: is critical that the actor playing Second Amendment Santa is

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Speaker 1: actually killed due to their breaking of the improvisational rule earlier.

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Speaker 1: I'm kild someone please kill Robert. The laser continues to rage.

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Speaker 1: Just Dan and God turned to flee the room, but

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Speaker 1: they bump into Jill and Mike Santa, Dan Santa's parents.

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Speaker 1: He shocked. They haven't appeared since page one of Santa University, Dad,

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Speaker 1: what are you doing at the prom? At the end

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Speaker 1: of Acts two, Dan Santa, we just wanted to say

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Speaker 1: we're sorry for everything. We never should have rented out

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Speaker 1: your room out to the clowns we met on Tinder.

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Speaker 1: The clowns were rude and the sex was only okay.

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Speaker 1: The drugs were great. Oh yeah, the drugs were great.

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Speaker 1: But then one of the clowns overdosed and their insurance

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Speaker 1: was being weird about it. So we went to prison

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Speaker 1: for involuntary involuntary menslata of one of the Tinder clowns.

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Speaker 1: Prison was fun. Prison was fun, but then we got bored,

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Speaker 1: so we escyped. Anyway, how school, God, is this something

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Speaker 1: terrible that's about to happen? We're kidding, we don't actually care.

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Speaker 1: How school is. Is there free food if the cops

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Speaker 1: come for us. You have to lie or we'll have

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Speaker 1: one of the clowns kill you. You don't you guys

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Speaker 1: don't understand something terrible is going to happen. The lazer

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Speaker 1: strikes again, taking out several Santa's in the corner who

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Speaker 1: are French kissing each other. God Santa grabs second amendment

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Speaker 1: in Santa's musket and throws it at the laser. It misses.

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Speaker 1: God Santa, you flaccid white gos said. It won't be deterred.

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Speaker 1: He grabs the musket and throws it at the laser again.

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Speaker 1: This time it lodges into the laser and it explodes.

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Speaker 1: Note has to be real explosion with many casualties. All right,

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Speaker 1: we'll walk off the set, Dan Santa. Look at what

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Speaker 1: your flaccid friend just did in spite of his flacidity.

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Speaker 1: We are impressed. Who was trying to kill me, Dan Santa?

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Speaker 1: Was it you? Santa's furious, I'm furious. He makes a

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Speaker 1: beeline for Dan Santa and God Santa, but Gal Santa

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Speaker 1: appeared from nowhere before he's able to snap Dan Santa's

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Speaker 1: neck like he's been having wet dreams about Stop cool Santa.

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Speaker 1: Dan Santa and God, Santa were my stooges. I was

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Speaker 1: trying to kill you. Santa peaks around, Gal, I was

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Speaker 1: the brains of the She's cut off. Smart women never

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Speaker 1: get to finish their sentence when hot people around. It sucks, Gal, Santa,

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Speaker 1: this is this is going to cause friction in our relationship.

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Speaker 1: Cool Santa, you never listen to me. All you ever

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Speaker 1: do is playing Nintendo Switch. Kill your friends, and send

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Speaker 1: me links to Wikipedia pages about various wars. Cool Santa

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Speaker 1: breaks down in tears, a rare showing from a hyper

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Speaker 1: masculine Santa, and we applaud him for it. You're right, Gal,

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Speaker 1: I don't know how to express myself and my love,

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Speaker 1: and therefore send you links about the Gulf War. Please

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Speaker 1: forgive me, Cool Santa. I am stunned by your tears

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Speaker 1: and have resolved to give you another chance. And I'm

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Speaker 1: hoping that this is not emotional manipulation. She begins to

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Speaker 1: sing the theme from Santa You we all know and love,

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Speaker 1: It's just another year at Suddenly the music picks up

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Speaker 1: and a ray of light shines through the gymnasium. Jingle

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Speaker 1: bells ring and the ghosts of the prom casualty Santa's

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Speaker 1: rise from the grave and begin to dance to a

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Speaker 1: jaunty beat. Santasity Santa Santa Santa University. Every year santastic

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Speaker 1: come here, even though it means they may die. But

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Speaker 1: just because it might cost your life, does he mean

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Speaker 1: he shoot in Troy? You'd think there'd be a better

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Speaker 1: vetting system, but there's not. Betray your friends and bring

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Speaker 1: your own knife or my name isn't Gothy Santa hack failed,

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Speaker 1: but that doesn't mean we'll all get killed this year.

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Speaker 1: I just love going to Santa for you, living all

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Speaker 1: the Santa Santa Santa y Santa Santa Santa and seen. Wow, guys,

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Speaker 1: thank you so much and un incredible performance by all

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Speaker 1: r I P. Robert eavens uh and uh that's that's all.

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Speaker 1: Thank you very Christmas. Yeah, Christmas, Sorry, happy holiday, Bloody

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Speaker 1: war on Christmas, Jesus Christ play some notes for my

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Speaker 1: character