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Speaker 1: There's an explosion of anxiety and depression in young people.

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Speaker 1: What is the cause of this thing?

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Speaker 2: Kids spend a lot of time girls in particular, on

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Speaker 2: social media. Believe it or not, social media is very

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Speaker 2: isolating and if we're not in healthy relationship with the

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Speaker 2: most important people in our lives are family members, then

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Speaker 2: we're really off kilter and something goes wrong.

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Speaker 1: Are we too quick to push children into therapy? Do

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Speaker 1: you think? Yes?

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Speaker 2: I think we are because I think that parents fail

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Speaker 2: to recognize how critical they are in their child's development emotionally, physically, mentally.

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Speaker 2: But any child it go as a therapist is going

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Speaker 2: to be quickly followed by mom and dad because you

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Speaker 2: can't treat a child in isolation.

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Speaker 1: What is the biggest mistake that parents make and how

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Speaker 1: do you avoid this? I'm Raymond Arroyo. Welcome to Arroyo Grande,

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Speaker 1: where we dive into the wild currents of this culture

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Speaker 1: and pull out perspectives and practical life lessons from incredible

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Speaker 1: culture makers. This week, I'm so excited to be joined

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Speaker 1: by doctor Meg Meeker. She is one of the nation's

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Speaker 1: leading parenting authorities, a pediatrician, best selling author, podcaster. She's

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Speaker 1: helped countless families, guiding parents through the stages of their

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Speaker 1: children's development and counseling the kids themselves. She shared some

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Speaker 1: incredible wisdom, as you'll hear if you're thinking about a

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Speaker 1: family or if you have children of your own. We're

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Speaker 1: going to tackle how social media can stunt a kid's development,

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Speaker 1: how you actually choose the spouse of your children, and

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Speaker 1: the biggest parenting mistake you can make as a mom

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Speaker 1: or dad and how to avoid it. This is a

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Speaker 1: conversation full of advice that you need today, laced with

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Speaker 1: real life encouragement and are how it ends. Our historical

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Speaker 1: flashback reveals the lasting power of a very famous mother.

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Speaker 1: Stay tuned for that. Here's doctor Meg Meeker. Doctor Meeker,

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Speaker 1: first of all, thank you so much for being here. Look,

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Speaker 1: we've known each other a long time from your very

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Speaker 1: first book, Strong Father's Strong Daughters. Let's do a quick

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Speaker 1: overview here. How critical is a father to his daughter's

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Speaker 1: development and why? I mean, dads are always portrayed as

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Speaker 1: goofball characters in all the movies, Meg, why are they

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Speaker 1: important in the family.

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Speaker 2: Well, we know that a father is the most important

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Speaker 2: man in a daughter's life. He's the one who teaches

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Speaker 2: her how men should behave, what you should expect from boys, teachers, boyfriends,

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Speaker 2: and so forth. And he really is the one who

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Speaker 2: gives a tremendous amount of self confidence and self esteem.

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Speaker 2: If you look across all issues that girls can have depression, anxiety, ADHD,

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Speaker 2: difficulty finishing school and so forth, the girls that have

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Speaker 2: a dad in their lives do extremely well across all aspects,

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Speaker 2: and so a dad really is critical, very very critical.

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Speaker 1: Conversely, how important is a mother to her son's growth

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Speaker 1: and becoming a man. This is something people rarely talk

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Speaker 1: about as well.

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Speaker 2: May Yeah, you're right, you know, there's something about that

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Speaker 2: cross sex relationship that has a uniqueness that the same

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Speaker 2: sex relationship doesn't have. So father to daughter and mother

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Speaker 2: to son, a mother is very very important, particularly during

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Speaker 2: the first ten years. But after the first ten years

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Speaker 2: then we found that a dad is critical for the

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Speaker 2: healthy development and moving in from boyhood to manhood because

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Speaker 2: boys really need that relationship with a father and they

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Speaker 2: need a role model is critical.

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Speaker 1: What have you seen in your practice when the mother

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Speaker 1: is absent, for instance, in a young boy's life, what

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Speaker 1: happens there?

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Speaker 2: Well, I think that you know, there's a difficulty with

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Speaker 2: attachment because boys typically and girls typically attached to the

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Speaker 2: mother in the early years of life, more difficult for

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Speaker 2: them to attach to their father and maybe fathers to them.

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Speaker 2: So what we see is the difficulty having that sort

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Speaker 2: of intimacy, trust and love exchange can be hard for kids,

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Speaker 2: and if they don't have it in the early years,

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Speaker 2: it's harder for them to get it later in the

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Speaker 2: later years.

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Speaker 1: You don't make something we've talked about before, and it's

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Speaker 1: fascinating to me, and you see it play out in

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Speaker 1: not only people I know, but your clients I know

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Speaker 1: as well. Tell me how a parent can actually shape

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Speaker 1: the selection of their child's spouse. I mean, they don't

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Speaker 1: do it with words or deliberately, but the child does

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Speaker 1: it because of their example and place in their life.

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Speaker 3: Explain that it's fascinating.

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Speaker 2: A child, particular, let's talk daughters and fathers, watches every

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Speaker 2: move her father makes, not because she's necessarily interested in

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Speaker 2: her dad, but because she needs to know how he

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Speaker 2: feels about her. So in those early years, as she

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Speaker 2: watches her dad, she's taking in messages. My dad likes me,

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Speaker 2: my dad thinks I'm pretty, my dad thinks I'm capable,

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Speaker 2: and all of those begin to shape her identity as

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Speaker 2: she gets older. That is in her And there's a

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Speaker 2: psychological phenomenon where we as humans tend to return to

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Speaker 2: what we know, and that's why you see girls who've

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Speaker 2: been abused as children marry an abuser, and girls who've

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Speaker 2: had a great relationship with her dad end up having

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Speaker 2: a great relationship with their father because you fall back

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Speaker 2: on what you know and it's all subconscious, which is

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Speaker 2: very interesting. So it's important for fathers to realize that

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Speaker 2: when the girls are young, so they can really pay

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Speaker 2: attention to how they're treating her, talking to her affection

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Speaker 2: and so forth.

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Speaker 3: So different and the guys she.

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Speaker 1: Marry, Yeah, I mean, what you're really saying is the

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Speaker 1: man that you are in the household, the father that

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Speaker 1: you are in the household, will be played out in

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Speaker 1: the next generation in the man that that girl chooses

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Speaker 1: as her spouse or as her partner.

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Speaker 2: Absolutely, And you know, girls don't want to hear that

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Speaker 2: that they're marrying a guy that's very much like their dad,

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Speaker 2: but it's true.

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Speaker 1: Wow, does it apply to boys as well? They do

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Speaker 1: they marry it? Does someone like mother really can?

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Speaker 2: And we find that boys will be more attracted to

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Speaker 2: somebody again that they're familiar with, a girl or a

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Speaker 2: woman who treats them like their mother did, talks to

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Speaker 2: them as nurturing and kind, and so it does tend

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Speaker 2: to work that way as well.

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Speaker 1: There's an explosion, Megan, I know you're seeing this in

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Speaker 1: your practice. There's an explosion of anxiety and depression in

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Speaker 1: young people. What is the cause of this thing? I

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Speaker 1: mean we were talking earlier. You deal with this, I

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Speaker 1: know in your practice on a day basis.

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Speaker 3: I do.

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Speaker 2: I do, And it's disturbing because I've been at this

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Speaker 2: a long time and I've never seen the prevalence of

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Speaker 2: anxiety and depression that I do now. I think that

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Speaker 2: what's happening is that kids feel lonelier than they've ever

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Speaker 2: felt before. And we think, well, why is that they're

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Speaker 2: connected all the time to friends they're really not. Kids

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Speaker 2: spend a lot of time girls in particular, on social media.

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Speaker 2: Believe it or not, social media is very isolating. It's

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Speaker 2: not a real relationship. Kids feel very lonely. Girls feel

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Speaker 2: very lonely when they're on social media, even though they're

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Speaker 2: texting back and forth. It's not real and they spend

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Speaker 2: so much time doing that that they're not spending enough

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Speaker 2: time with their parents face to face, dialoguing, touching, hugging,

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Speaker 2: and so I think they're very lonely and that causes

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Speaker 2: them to feel very anxious and depressed. Because we're not

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Speaker 2: We're born to living community. We're born for relationship. God

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Speaker 2: tells us that. And if we're not in healthy relationship

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Speaker 2: with the most important people in our lives are family members,

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Speaker 2: then we're really off kilter and something goes wrong, and

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Speaker 2: that's what kids are feeling.

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Speaker 1: To be Meg, What do you tell parents, I mean,

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Speaker 1: what can they do if this child is anxious and depressed?

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Speaker 1: And how much of this is a reflection of the

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Speaker 1: anxiety from the parents themselves.

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Speaker 3: Well, that's a great question. I will say.

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Speaker 2: Usually as I sort of unpack things with kids, I

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Speaker 2: find that if a child is anxious, there's usually a

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Speaker 2: person very close to them, i e. Mom or Dad

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Speaker 2: who's anxious as well. Because anxiety feeds on itself, it

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Speaker 2: feeds on other people around you. But what do I

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Speaker 2: tell parents? First of all, I say, what is going

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Speaker 2: on in the home? Is there a lot of stress

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Speaker 2: in the home. Often that'll do it, you know, Dad, losses, job,

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Speaker 2: moms working too much, the parents never see the child.

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Speaker 2: And so I say this, well, I need to go

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Speaker 2: to with therapists. I said, let's try this first. You know,

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Speaker 2: your child needs you more than a therapist. Your child

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Speaker 2: needs more time with you. So let's amp up the

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Speaker 2: amount of one on one time that you have with

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Speaker 2: your kids. And often that's a real game changer because

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Speaker 2: as parents look back over the past weeks or months,

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Speaker 2: they really realize they're not spending much time with their kids.

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Speaker 2: Because we're a generation of people that just want to

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Speaker 2: do as much as we can in a day. The

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Speaker 2: problem is the kids and their relationship with us are

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Speaker 2: the casualty. So parents really need to step up their

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Speaker 2: time with their kids.

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Speaker 1: You know, you said something there I want to pick

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Speaker 1: up on. You said you don't need a therapist, you

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Speaker 1: need more time with that child. Are we too quick

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Speaker 1: to push children into therapy? Do you think? Because that

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Speaker 1: can become its own you know rot if you will?

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Speaker 1: I mean, where does therapy? And I always wonder, well.

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Speaker 2: Exactly, yes, I think we are because I think that

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Speaker 2: parents fail to recognize nice how critical they are in

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Speaker 2: their child's development emotionally, physically, mentally, and I think that

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Speaker 2: whenever something goes wrong with a child, rather than saying, oh,

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Speaker 2: I could be part of this, I'm part of the

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Speaker 2: solution and remedy.

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Speaker 3: But they don't know what.

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Speaker 2: To do or they don't want to take the time

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Speaker 2: to do it, so they just give them to a therapist.

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Speaker 2: But any child it go as a therapist is going

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Speaker 2: to be quickly followed by mom and dad because you

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Speaker 2: can't treat a child in isolation. You have to treat

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Speaker 2: the unit.

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Speaker 1: How much of this anxiety and this depression is caused

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Speaker 1: by social media? How dangerous is these devices in your estimation?

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Speaker 3: Huge? And actually it's just not my experience.

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Speaker 2: But we do have great studies that show that the

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Speaker 2: rise in social media use parallels the rise in depression.

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Speaker 3: It's almost, you know, one to one.

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Speaker 2: And so we do know that the longer girls are

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Speaker 2: on social media, the more their risk for depression, severe depression.

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Speaker 2: And there's a wrecked correlation there. And this is why

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Speaker 2: I'm so anti social media because I have literally seen

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Speaker 2: kids in my practice who have tried to commit suicide

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Speaker 2: and will admit to the to me that social media

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Speaker 2: played a part. They felt they weren't good enough, They

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Speaker 2: weren't pretty enough, they didn't they weren't popular enough, they

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Speaker 2: didn't have the right boyfriend, and it really takes them down.

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Speaker 1: You call this comparison culture, that that's what has created

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Speaker 1: particularly for these girls. How do you break that loop?

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Speaker 2: Yeah, well, I think that because you're absolutely right. It

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Speaker 2: is comparison culture because every girl is looking at her

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Speaker 2: friends on social media and she's never enough and so forth.

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Speaker 2: So how do you break the loop? I think that

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Speaker 2: it's important. First of all, if your daughter is on

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Speaker 2: social media, she's already on it, then you need to

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Speaker 2: talk to her about this. You need to shorten the

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Speaker 2: amount of time that she's on social media. I feel

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Speaker 2: very strongly if parents out there don't have they have

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Speaker 2: given their daughters a cell phone and iPhone, that they

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Speaker 2: can give them a phone or watch that doesn't connect

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Speaker 2: to the internet. The longer you can wait, the better

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Speaker 2: off it is for your daughter, because you can help

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Speaker 2: a sixteen or seventeen year old girl understand what's going

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Speaker 2: on in the comparison culture, much harder to do with

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Speaker 2: a twelve or thirteen year old.

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Speaker 1: Huh, well, I know there's that movement. Wait till eighth

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Speaker 1: you think, you know, Wait till eighth grade to give

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Speaker 1: them a smartphone. You think that that's too early. Why

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Speaker 1: too young?

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Speaker 2: It's too young, And I'll tell you why, because a

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Speaker 2: thirteen fourteen year old girl is so incredibly vulnerable. She'll

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Speaker 2: believe things that people tell her. And I think we

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Speaker 2: talked about it. Social media is the number one place

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Speaker 2: where girls get sex trafficked, and a fourteen year old

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Speaker 2: girl is far more influential than a seventeen or eighteen

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Speaker 2: year old girl.

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Speaker 3: And that's why.

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Speaker 2: I just like that cognitive maturity, more cognitive mature, sure,

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Speaker 2: in an older child, so she can deal with these things.

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Speaker 3: A lot better.

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Speaker 2: This is really hard, dangerous stuff, and I think that

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Speaker 2: parents know that on some level, but part of them feels, well,

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Speaker 2: my daughter, she's a straight A student. I can trust her.

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Speaker 2: She's great, doesn't matter.

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Speaker 3: You know.

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Speaker 2: More brain cells are more brain cells, and she needs

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Speaker 2: a little more frontal lobe development in order to navigate

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Speaker 2: this tough well.

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Speaker 1: And we never talk about that. You know, make that

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Speaker 1: those front lobes really don't close and fully develop until

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Speaker 1: what twenty five twenty one?

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Speaker 2: Yes, yes, I always tell parents your job is to

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Speaker 2: raise a healthy twenty five year old because the brain

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Speaker 2: really isn't fully developed until then, and I think that

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Speaker 2: we tend to think it develops earlier because we push

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Speaker 2: our kids to act more adult like too early, and

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Speaker 2: that tricks us into believing that our kids are actually

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Speaker 2: older than they are. We put far too much trust

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Speaker 2: in our kids, trust to make adult decisions when they're

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Speaker 2: too young.

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Speaker 1: Meg, what's the impact of that constant visual and audio stimulation?

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Speaker 1: I mean, I see kids when I travel. They're running

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Speaker 1: through Instagram feeds for hours, on a plane for hours.

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Speaker 1: How do you counteract that?

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Speaker 2: If you think about it, kids are living in a

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Speaker 2: constant fight or flight mode. The stimulation, just as you said,

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Speaker 2: auditory and visual stimulation, it's too much for their body

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Speaker 2: system and it burns them out. And when they get

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Speaker 2: burned out, they have a hard time sinking. They're fuzzier,

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Speaker 2: their moods go down, their answer, they have a harder

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Speaker 2: time sleeping. And again, what I encourage parents to do

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Speaker 2: is they need to carve out some time in their

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Speaker 2: child's day where it's quiet, there's no stimulation. They sit

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Speaker 2: with a book on their lap that has words on

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Speaker 2: a page, that don't jump and move and shout.

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Speaker 1: And when do you recommend I mean, we talked about

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Speaker 1: this about the young person getting a smart phone. What's

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Speaker 1: the alternative? I mean, I know there are these other

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Speaker 1: you know, non smartphones where you can still stay in

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Speaker 1: touch with your family if you have an emergency. And

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Speaker 1: I know you've dealt with this even in your own

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Speaker 1: family with your own grandkids.

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Speaker 3: Yeah, I have.

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Speaker 2: Because now that we don't have a family phone where

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Speaker 2: kids can call and you pick up and say the

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Speaker 2: receiver and say hello, it is important for kids to

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Speaker 2: be able to connect with their parents. You know, for instance,

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Speaker 2: if there's a soccer practice and mom forgets to pick

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Speaker 2: them up or whatever.

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Speaker 3: I've been there, done that.

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Speaker 1: We have Matris.

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Speaker 3: But anyway, you didn't have a watch.

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Speaker 2: But anyway, the gab phone and the gizmo phones are

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Speaker 2: terrific because they look just like an iPhone. You can

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Speaker 2: get a watch that looks just like an Apple watch.

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Speaker 2: Kids can call their parents, they can maybe text their parents.

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Speaker 2: They cannot take photos, it doesn't go on the internet.

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Speaker 2: They can have social media, so there's that connection there

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Speaker 2: for safety and mom can always get hold of them,

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Speaker 2: but they don't have the dangerous risk.

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Speaker 3: And something like a gab phone, you.

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Speaker 2: Can increase the amount of exposure. Kids have to the

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Speaker 2: Internet over time, so it'll actually grow with your child.

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Speaker 2: So you may start at fourteen, no internet, and at

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Speaker 2: seventeen go, okay, you know, she can go, and so

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Speaker 2: you actually it grows with the child.

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Speaker 1: Yeah, you get more access as you grow and you're

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Speaker 1: ready for that access, which I think I agree with you.

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Speaker 1: I think these devices are way too free wheeling. I mean,

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Speaker 1: you're throwing this child in the middle of everything. Talk

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Speaker 1: to me, Talk to me a bit about how damaging

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Speaker 1: the isolation is make. I see this every day, particularly

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Speaker 1: when I'm traveling, you know, when I'm in New York

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Speaker 1: or even when I'm home in New Orleans. People have

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Speaker 1: the earbuds on. Now they've got the meta glasses. They're

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Speaker 1: on the phone. Thousands of people could be on the street,

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Speaker 1: but these people are actually all alone in their fake world.

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Speaker 1: What is the solution here? I call it the bubble people.

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Speaker 1: They're in their own little bubble.

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Speaker 2: Well, again, I think that it's really up to the parents,

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Speaker 2: and parents can do this. They say, well, my child

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Speaker 2: is on social media three or four hours a day,

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Speaker 2: and that's not uncommon, believe it or not. I've had

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Speaker 2: kids addicted. But what they need to do is say, Okay,

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Speaker 2: we're going to wean you down a little bit from

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Speaker 2: seven to eight o'clock at night. From eight o'clock at

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Speaker 2: night to nine o'clock, nobody can be on their phone.

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Speaker 2: And that means parents too, because, believe it or not,

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Speaker 2: kids are bothered by parents being on their phones more

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Speaker 2: than parents are bothered by their kids being on the phone.

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Speaker 2: Because when a kid is around a parent who's not

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Speaker 2: paying attention, they feel invisible and they feel that they're

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Speaker 2: not worth their parents' time and attention. So it's really

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Speaker 2: important that you make a family plan. Okay, family quiet hour.

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Speaker 2: You know, we're going to play a game from nine

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Speaker 2: to ten or eight to nine. So you've got to

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Speaker 2: begin to establish family rules for phones because then if

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Speaker 2: everybody does it, then the teenagers less likely to gripe

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Speaker 2: about having to do it.

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Speaker 1: Yeah. Well, you know it's not just kids. I mean

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Speaker 1: the people I see with the earbuds and they're texting,

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Speaker 1: and they've got the metaglasses and they're in You're talking

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Speaker 1: to these people in the gym or on the street,

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Speaker 1: they're not even connecting with you. These are grown ups, though, Meg,

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Speaker 1: We're not talking about little kids. Here, But I guess

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Speaker 1: the way you train the child is the way the

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Speaker 1: adult turns out. And we're becoming increasingly isolated as people,

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Speaker 1: and that deeply concerns me. If somebody wants to see

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Speaker 1: a culture thrive and families grow, and you want good,

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Speaker 1: healthy citizens.

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Speaker 2: And you think how it makes the people around the

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Speaker 2: person using the device feel. It makes them feel that again,

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Speaker 2: they're not important. They're not important to say hello to,

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Speaker 2: to shake hands with. They're just a nonentity. And the

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Speaker 2: other thing is when kids are on their phones all

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Speaker 2: the time, are listening to music, They are in their

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Speaker 2: private world, and mom and dad are not in that world,

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Speaker 2: and that can be very, very dangerous. Ten eleven old boy,

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Speaker 2: pornography is there. It will find him. All he has

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Speaker 2: to do is google trucks, and you know, the algorithm says, oh,

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Speaker 2: this must be a boy, and then the pornography finds them.

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Speaker 2: And of course he's not going to say anything to

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Speaker 2: his parents because he's very embarrassed and doesn't want his

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Speaker 2: phone taken away, and so he just stays there and

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Speaker 2: it finds him again and again. The same is to

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Speaker 2: with girls, not necessarily pornography, but friends and people that

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Speaker 2: she has no business talking to again. She lives in

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Speaker 2: this private world that's very isolating. And anytime they're isolated

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Speaker 2: from those who love them and those who can actually

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Speaker 2: shape their identity mom and dad and siblings, they start

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Speaker 2: to fall apart. They literally just start to fall apart.

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Speaker 1: I personally think a child social media should be monitored

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Speaker 1: and I think patrolled. Friends of mine, those say they

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Speaker 1: need their privacy, meg Maker, you'd respond, how what would

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Speaker 1: you tell those parents?

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Speaker 3: No, they don't, No, they don't.

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Speaker 2: You know, when you and a high crew, that's a that's

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Speaker 2: a that's ridiculous, that's a ruse. And I think that

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Speaker 2: parents kind of use it as a cop out in

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Speaker 2: a way because they don't want to take time to

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Speaker 2: a argue with a child about that there is should

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Speaker 2: be no privacy and and me, they just don't want

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Speaker 2: to argue with a child because they'll give pushback. They

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Speaker 2: want their child to like them, they don't want any friction.

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Speaker 2: But here's why your child cannot have privacy until they're gone.

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Speaker 2: First of all, you need to keep them safe from themselves.

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Speaker 2: They are kids who are just looking for trouble all

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Speaker 2: the time, not consciously, but these are kids who are

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Speaker 2: ready to you know, fall off the rails at any

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Speaker 2: given moment if they're on social media, video games. So

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Speaker 2: you need to protect the child from himself. And so

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Speaker 2: when when kids come at you and say that's not fair, this.

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Speaker 3: Is my private phone. Well, first of all, parents, you

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Speaker 3: on the phone.

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Speaker 2: And second of all, you can't have a phone unless

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Speaker 2: I'm allowed to see it, because there's no secrets. You

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Speaker 2: and I you know, don't keep secrets from our spouses. Well,

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Speaker 2: can come to my phone and look at anything anytime.

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Speaker 2: That's what a healthy relationship does. So kids want a

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Speaker 2: healthy relationship with their parents and other and their peers

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Speaker 2: needs to be open for parents or else. Don't give

397
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Speaker 2: my cell phone. I'm really a bugger about it. Don't

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Speaker 2: let me have a cell phone.

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Speaker 1: Tell me about the danger of Instagram and some of

400
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Speaker 1: these social media sites. I mean, this is like a

401
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Speaker 1: rife with groomers, who are you know, trafficking And so

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Speaker 1: many of these victims we read about may they first

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Speaker 1: encountered the people who would abuse them through these sites online.

404
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Speaker 2: Exactly. Think about this, Raymond. You've got a thirteen fourteen

405
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Speaker 2: year old girl who doesn't spend much one on one

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Speaker 2: time where their parents are face to face. So she's

407
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Speaker 2: living in isolation. She's lonely. Now she gets on a

408
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Speaker 2: social media and a fifty or sixty year old guy

409
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Speaker 2: knows she's lonely, so he gets in there and he

410
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Speaker 2: starts to play her. Oh, I'm a sixteen year old boy,

411
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Speaker 2: and you're just so sweet. I see what you're writing.

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Speaker 2: That girl falls for that so fast. I can't tell

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Speaker 2: you how many times. Does not take much to influence

414
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Speaker 2: a thirteen, fifteen, even sixteen year old girl, because every

415
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Speaker 2: girl wants to think they're beautiful, that someone understands them.

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Speaker 2: You know, Oh, I understand you. Your parents don't, and

417
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Speaker 2: you know you and I would go, what are you

418
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Speaker 2: talking about? Your stranger?

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Speaker 3: Fourteen year old girl doesn't care. All she knows is

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Speaker 3: this guy's telling her she's one.

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Speaker 1: Well, and they're living in their.

422
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Speaker 2: Hair, passing back and forth pictures and that's really dangerous.

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Speaker 1: Well, they're living in their heads. And as you said,

424
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Speaker 1: they were alone. And when you're alone, you're in a loop.

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Speaker 1: And if someone's feeding that loop or feeding you new lines.

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Speaker 1: And look, it's not only young girls. I just read

427
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Speaker 1: a story where some poor, you know, sixty five year

428
00:22:55,520 --> 00:22:58,840
Speaker 1: old woman was sending money to Brad Pitt. It's not

429
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Speaker 1: Brad Pitt, but it's posing his brand, you know, So

430
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Speaker 1: they fall for this stuff.

431
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Speaker 2: My husband, my husband has a patient who was sixty

432
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Speaker 2: and she announced that she was leaving to go to

433
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Speaker 2: Europe to marry some guy. And he said, well, have

434
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Speaker 2: you met him, No, but I've seen his picture. Well

435
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Speaker 2: have you sent him money?

436
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Speaker 1: Yes?

437
00:23:17,560 --> 00:23:20,800
Speaker 2: Because his mother was in the hospital and she literally

438
00:23:20,840 --> 00:23:22,600
Speaker 2: was ready to get on the plane the next day

439
00:23:22,840 --> 00:23:26,560
Speaker 2: and he said, ma'am, there's a problem here. You cannot go.

440
00:23:26,960 --> 00:23:30,560
Speaker 2: So it's really remarkable. She's a widow and she's very lonely.

441
00:23:31,119 --> 00:23:36,080
Speaker 2: Loneliness crushes your spirit, and that's where if you don't

442
00:23:36,080 --> 00:23:39,960
Speaker 2: even have a relationship with God, you're floating. You're sort

443
00:23:39,960 --> 00:23:42,760
Speaker 2: of in no man's land. And then you compound that

444
00:23:43,160 --> 00:23:46,320
Speaker 2: with loneliness in the midst of your family.

445
00:23:47,880 --> 00:23:49,159
Speaker 3: Surviving is hard.

446
00:23:49,440 --> 00:23:54,560
Speaker 2: It's very hard, and it's hard to articulate, but everybody

447
00:23:54,600 --> 00:23:58,119
Speaker 2: knows what I'm talking about. But loneliness is a killer,

448
00:23:58,240 --> 00:24:02,919
Speaker 2: and being on social media media makes kids terribly lonely

449
00:24:02,960 --> 00:24:05,560
Speaker 2: and terribly vulnerable to manipulation.

450
00:24:06,480 --> 00:24:10,119
Speaker 1: Now how it ends. Sometimes a mother can make you

451
00:24:10,320 --> 00:24:15,320
Speaker 1: immortal when she was forty five, Anna McNeil lost her husband,

452
00:24:15,359 --> 00:24:18,560
Speaker 1: but she was deeply religious and devoted to her children,

453
00:24:19,000 --> 00:24:23,000
Speaker 1: especially young James, who had left their Massachusetts home and

454
00:24:23,080 --> 00:24:27,840
Speaker 1: relocated in London. Now. James was a painter and a bohemian.

455
00:24:28,600 --> 00:24:32,119
Speaker 1: Oscar Wilde said of James, he spells art with a

456
00:24:32,200 --> 00:24:36,280
Speaker 1: capital I. At the time, James was living with his

457
00:24:36,400 --> 00:24:41,560
Speaker 1: redheaded mistress, a woman named Joe Hifferman. Joe apparently had

458
00:24:41,560 --> 00:24:44,760
Speaker 1: to clear out of james apartment to make room for

459
00:24:44,880 --> 00:24:50,040
Speaker 1: his mother. Upon her arrival, Anna wrote, God answered my

460
00:24:50,240 --> 00:24:54,520
Speaker 1: prayers for his welfare by leading me here. She chastised

461
00:24:54,560 --> 00:24:58,680
Speaker 1: her son for his randy ways and became his caretaker,

462
00:24:58,960 --> 00:25:03,440
Speaker 1: occasional art dear dealer, and much more. In eighteen seventy one,

463
00:25:03,560 --> 00:25:07,320
Speaker 1: James was commissioned to paint a portrait of Maggie Graham.

464
00:25:07,680 --> 00:25:10,479
Speaker 1: She was the daughter of a member of parliament. James

465
00:25:10,520 --> 00:25:13,960
Speaker 1: painted in a heat and the young girl repeatedly failed

466
00:25:13,960 --> 00:25:16,920
Speaker 1: to show up to pose for the painting. What did

467
00:25:17,000 --> 00:25:23,320
Speaker 1: James do? Wait until you hear how it ends? Now

468
00:25:23,440 --> 00:25:26,720
Speaker 1: how it ends? So this James, a portrait artist, was

469
00:25:26,760 --> 00:25:31,360
Speaker 1: commissioned to paint a parliament's member's daughter in eighteen seventy one.

470
00:25:31,920 --> 00:25:34,919
Speaker 1: James had already prepared the canvas, and after the girl

471
00:25:35,040 --> 00:25:39,840
Speaker 1: missed several appointments, he wanted to paint someone, so James

472
00:25:39,840 --> 00:25:44,840
Speaker 1: made his mother Anna his subject. She later wrote, I

473
00:25:45,000 --> 00:25:49,040
Speaker 1: stood bravely two or three days whenever he was in

474
00:25:49,080 --> 00:25:53,119
Speaker 1: the mood for studying me, as his pictures are studies,

475
00:25:53,600 --> 00:25:57,840
Speaker 1: and I stood as a statue, but realized it was

476
00:25:57,960 --> 00:26:02,200
Speaker 1: too great an effort. Anna was so exhausted after days

477
00:26:02,240 --> 00:26:06,399
Speaker 1: of standing that James finally relented and let his mother

478
00:26:06,520 --> 00:26:11,240
Speaker 1: sit in a rocking chair. Anna later saluted her artist,

479
00:26:11,680 --> 00:26:15,800
Speaker 1: who quote is gently patient, as he is never wearying

480
00:26:16,160 --> 00:26:21,480
Speaker 1: in his perseverance, concluding to paint me sitting perfectly at

481
00:26:21,480 --> 00:26:25,600
Speaker 1: my ease. James would later call the portrait of Anna

482
00:26:26,000 --> 00:26:29,720
Speaker 1: with her hands on her lap Arrangement in Gray and

483
00:26:29,880 --> 00:26:32,840
Speaker 1: Black number one because of the dark hues he used

484
00:26:32,840 --> 00:26:35,680
Speaker 1: in the work. But you probably know it better as

485
00:26:36,320 --> 00:26:42,440
Speaker 1: Whistler's mother. It would become James McNeil Whistler's most famous

486
00:26:42,480 --> 00:26:47,119
Speaker 1: and beloved work and a living testament to the immortality

487
00:26:47,760 --> 00:26:51,840
Speaker 1: that can await those who stay close to Mama. Now

488
00:26:51,880 --> 00:26:56,000
Speaker 1: you know how it ends back to Meg Meeker. You

489
00:26:56,080 --> 00:27:00,560
Speaker 1: mentioned it earlier about boys and the omnipresent pornography that

490
00:27:00,680 --> 00:27:03,600
Speaker 1: really is all across the culture. It's not just online,

491
00:27:03,640 --> 00:27:09,600
Speaker 1: it's everywhere. How does pornography distort the image those boys

492
00:27:09,680 --> 00:27:12,879
Speaker 1: have of the other sex? How does it affect that

493
00:27:13,240 --> 00:27:14,520
Speaker 1: and their expectations.

494
00:27:14,960 --> 00:27:19,320
Speaker 2: Well, it has a profound effect on a boy's ability

495
00:27:19,720 --> 00:27:26,160
Speaker 2: to later on experience true intimacy, physical sexual intimacy, because

496
00:27:26,480 --> 00:27:32,200
Speaker 2: after they see pornography, they become hardened to certain acts.

497
00:27:32,440 --> 00:27:35,320
Speaker 2: They're stimulating it first, but then they get boring, so

498
00:27:35,359 --> 00:27:38,400
Speaker 2: they have to go to more severe forms of pornography.

499
00:27:38,440 --> 00:27:40,719
Speaker 2: And we know that, and it just gets worse and

500
00:27:40,760 --> 00:27:43,840
Speaker 2: worse and worse and so bad. That's where they turn

501
00:27:43,880 --> 00:27:46,280
Speaker 2: to child porn because that gives them a little bit

502
00:27:46,280 --> 00:27:48,800
Speaker 2: of a kick. So what it does is it interferes

503
00:27:48,840 --> 00:27:52,800
Speaker 2: with the boy's ability to have healthy intimacy later on.

504
00:27:53,400 --> 00:27:57,480
Speaker 2: It interferes with his sense of self and his own sexuality.

505
00:27:57,880 --> 00:28:00,359
Speaker 2: He doesn't feel good about himself as a man because

506
00:28:00,359 --> 00:28:04,239
Speaker 2: what he's experienced over these years or months is that

507
00:28:04,359 --> 00:28:08,679
Speaker 2: I'm not satisfied, so something's wrong with me. It affects

508
00:28:08,720 --> 00:28:12,840
Speaker 2: his relationship with women because he objectifies the women and

509
00:28:13,520 --> 00:28:19,399
Speaker 2: often always in pornography. Women are put down, they are

510
00:28:19,760 --> 00:28:24,919
Speaker 2: they're used, and they're used as just objects for a

511
00:28:24,960 --> 00:28:25,719
Speaker 2: man's pleasure.

512
00:28:25,800 --> 00:28:27,520
Speaker 3: Now they wouldn't tell you that, but they are so.

513
00:28:27,600 --> 00:28:30,560
Speaker 2: Then a boy begins to see a woman as just

514
00:28:30,600 --> 00:28:34,879
Speaker 2: an object for his pleasure. Everything becomes a mess. It

515
00:28:34,960 --> 00:28:37,760
Speaker 2: absolutely becomes a mess. And this is why addiction can

516
00:28:37,800 --> 00:28:40,080
Speaker 2: be so bad and how it can take men a

517
00:28:40,120 --> 00:28:43,080
Speaker 2: long time to wait out of this addiction because it

518
00:28:43,120 --> 00:28:45,360
Speaker 2: affects them on so many different levels.

519
00:28:45,440 --> 00:28:48,280
Speaker 1: And as a pediatrician who deals with body image and girls,

520
00:28:48,280 --> 00:28:51,239
Speaker 1: and I know as the father of a daughter, this

521
00:28:51,360 --> 00:28:55,200
Speaker 1: is important and it's an issue and the expectations in boys.

522
00:28:55,800 --> 00:28:58,520
Speaker 1: What is the impact of celebrities like we saw this

523
00:28:58,600 --> 00:29:04,480
Speaker 1: Bianca Sensory, Kanye West's wife showing up literally naked at

524
00:29:04,480 --> 00:29:08,680
Speaker 1: the Grammys, or Kim Kardashian posting these nearly naked posts

525
00:29:08,760 --> 00:29:12,480
Speaker 1: daily weekly. How does that affect young people and the

526
00:29:12,560 --> 00:29:14,280
Speaker 1: kids seeing it? Boys and girls?

527
00:29:15,080 --> 00:29:18,600
Speaker 2: Well, first of all, girls look at this and they say, wow,

528
00:29:18,680 --> 00:29:22,000
Speaker 2: there's Beyonce. She has a lot of money, she's very popular,

529
00:29:22,080 --> 00:29:25,360
Speaker 2: she's very beautiful. And I want to be popular and

530
00:29:25,400 --> 00:29:28,720
Speaker 2: beautiful and maybe rich one day. I need to look

531
00:29:28,880 --> 00:29:31,640
Speaker 2: like her. I need to create my body to be

532
00:29:31,840 --> 00:29:34,360
Speaker 2: like her, and I need to dress like her, and

533
00:29:34,440 --> 00:29:36,920
Speaker 2: I need to be a sexy person. I see this

534
00:29:37,080 --> 00:29:38,960
Speaker 2: all the time in grade school.

535
00:29:38,720 --> 00:29:40,360
Speaker 1: Kids, you know, in grad school.

536
00:29:41,000 --> 00:29:43,400
Speaker 3: It's amazing. It's amazing.

537
00:29:43,840 --> 00:29:45,920
Speaker 2: You know, our kids went to Catholic school where they

538
00:29:46,080 --> 00:29:48,200
Speaker 2: had to be covered nect to ese, and I thought,

539
00:29:48,280 --> 00:29:48,800
Speaker 2: that's good.

540
00:29:49,040 --> 00:29:52,200
Speaker 1: The uniform is a good thing, Meg. It teaches a

541
00:29:52,240 --> 00:29:53,200
Speaker 1: certain rigor.

542
00:29:53,680 --> 00:29:57,080
Speaker 2: They are and then to a young boy, it's stimulating

543
00:29:57,280 --> 00:30:01,680
Speaker 2: because boys are so visually stimulated and men, and Beyonce's

544
00:30:01,720 --> 00:30:04,000
Speaker 2: not being nice to them. You know, I don't like

545
00:30:04,040 --> 00:30:07,200
Speaker 2: my husband to look at Beyonce because I can't compare

546
00:30:07,240 --> 00:30:10,920
Speaker 2: with her, but fortunately he can't compare with brat Petty either.

547
00:30:11,600 --> 00:30:14,479
Speaker 2: But you know, it's stimulating to men, and it's not

548
00:30:14,640 --> 00:30:19,400
Speaker 2: fair because it changes their expectations of what they desire

549
00:30:19,440 --> 00:30:22,080
Speaker 2: in a woman, and nobody can keep up with that.

550
00:30:22,640 --> 00:30:25,880
Speaker 2: So that's why it's really not fair to either girls

551
00:30:26,000 --> 00:30:26,520
Speaker 2: or boys.

552
00:30:27,120 --> 00:30:31,360
Speaker 1: Okay, this is really important. What is the biggest mistake

553
00:30:32,040 --> 00:30:34,600
Speaker 1: that parents make or I'll broaden it. What are the

554
00:30:34,600 --> 00:30:38,560
Speaker 1: biggest mistakes parents make and how do you avoid them?

555
00:30:39,080 --> 00:30:42,960
Speaker 2: I think the biggest mistakes parents make is trusting their

556
00:30:43,040 --> 00:30:47,040
Speaker 2: child's ability to make adult decisions. I see this all

557
00:30:47,080 --> 00:30:50,480
Speaker 2: the time because they believe their kid is a good kid.

558
00:30:50,920 --> 00:30:53,480
Speaker 2: Their kid is a smart kid, and he's much he

559
00:30:53,480 --> 00:30:56,719
Speaker 2: has much stronger character than his friends, and he doesn't

560
00:30:56,760 --> 00:30:59,280
Speaker 2: lie even though a lot of his friends lie, and

561
00:30:59,360 --> 00:31:02,360
Speaker 2: he has good grades. But this is what I tell parents.

562
00:31:02,600 --> 00:31:05,240
Speaker 2: The kids I really worry about are the good kids,

563
00:31:05,640 --> 00:31:09,080
Speaker 2: particularly a good girl. If you have a sixteen seventeen

564
00:31:09,160 --> 00:31:12,479
Speaker 2: year old girl who's a good kid, close to her parents,

565
00:31:13,760 --> 00:31:16,560
Speaker 2: good grades, I worry because this is a girl who

566
00:31:16,600 --> 00:31:19,800
Speaker 2: can't say no. She doesn't want to hurt anybody's feelings,

567
00:31:21,360 --> 00:31:25,320
Speaker 2: so she'll date the football player that's a year older

568
00:31:25,320 --> 00:31:27,560
Speaker 2: than she is, and parents will be excited because he's

569
00:31:27,560 --> 00:31:28,200
Speaker 2: so popular.

570
00:31:28,240 --> 00:31:30,760
Speaker 3: Da da da da da, And then she's going to do.

571
00:31:30,760 --> 00:31:33,960
Speaker 2: What he wants because she doesn't want to hurt his feelings.

572
00:31:34,320 --> 00:31:37,120
Speaker 2: I hear that over and over. I can't say no

573
00:31:37,240 --> 00:31:42,040
Speaker 2: to my boyfriend. He won't like me and he'll be hurt.

574
00:31:42,440 --> 00:31:43,040
Speaker 3: And they can't.

575
00:31:43,320 --> 00:31:46,520
Speaker 2: They're in over their head. So I think the biggest

576
00:31:46,520 --> 00:31:50,080
Speaker 2: thing is that parents putting false trust in their kids

577
00:31:50,120 --> 00:31:54,760
Speaker 2: because they fail to realize how limited their kids' cognitive

578
00:31:55,000 --> 00:31:56,640
Speaker 2: and emotional growth.

579
00:31:56,960 --> 00:31:58,880
Speaker 3: Is they don't let them be children.

580
00:31:59,040 --> 00:32:01,480
Speaker 1: Yeah, and then we try. We entrust them to teachers,

581
00:32:01,520 --> 00:32:04,800
Speaker 1: we entrust them to therapists, we entrust them to everybody

582
00:32:04,800 --> 00:32:06,960
Speaker 1: but ourselves, the parents.

583
00:32:06,720 --> 00:32:10,640
Speaker 2: Exactly exactly, And we need to have more self confidence

584
00:32:10,680 --> 00:32:13,240
Speaker 2: and say, my child's struggling with this, I'm going to

585
00:32:13,240 --> 00:32:16,680
Speaker 2: give it a go. She's got anxiety, she's got depression.

586
00:32:17,040 --> 00:32:21,920
Speaker 2: And I have seen dads alone pulled daughters through depression

587
00:32:22,000 --> 00:32:25,320
Speaker 2: and out of a depression by spending more time with them,

588
00:32:25,680 --> 00:32:29,480
Speaker 2: having great conversations and not going to a therapist. I

589
00:32:29,480 --> 00:32:31,320
Speaker 2: had a girl whose parents wanted to send to her

590
00:32:31,400 --> 00:32:34,920
Speaker 2: camp out west because she was a bad boyfriend, running

591
00:32:34,920 --> 00:32:37,840
Speaker 2: around and so forth. And I said, let's wait, and

592
00:32:37,920 --> 00:32:40,719
Speaker 2: I encourage dad, do me a favor, take your camping

593
00:32:40,800 --> 00:32:42,640
Speaker 2: for a couple of weeks. And do you know at

594
00:32:42,640 --> 00:32:44,280
Speaker 2: the end of two weeks, when they were in the

595
00:32:44,280 --> 00:32:47,959
Speaker 2: middle of nowhere paddling a canoe and she's crying, crying, crying,

596
00:32:48,200 --> 00:32:50,920
Speaker 2: she came home and didn't have to go to the

597
00:32:50,960 --> 00:32:54,400
Speaker 2: camp out west. That's the power of a father, and

598
00:32:54,680 --> 00:32:57,840
Speaker 2: dads need to grab that because they don't believe they

599
00:32:57,880 --> 00:32:59,000
Speaker 2: had that kind of power.

600
00:32:59,360 --> 00:33:02,880
Speaker 1: Well, culture diminishes dad so much, makes them feel like

601
00:33:02,920 --> 00:33:06,920
Speaker 1: the goofball. They're always the goofball in movies, in film,

602
00:33:06,960 --> 00:33:10,200
Speaker 1: on television, and I think that has sunk in at

603
00:33:10,200 --> 00:33:12,000
Speaker 1: a certain level, and I think, well, you know, my

604
00:33:12,080 --> 00:33:14,200
Speaker 1: wife is the one who can handle this stuff, So

605
00:33:14,320 --> 00:33:17,000
Speaker 1: dads kind of take a back seat. They're spectators in

606
00:33:17,000 --> 00:33:18,760
Speaker 1: many cases they are.

607
00:33:18,800 --> 00:33:22,200
Speaker 2: They're not only spectators. They're not only made that by

608
00:33:22,760 --> 00:33:25,800
Speaker 2: movies and the media. I think we women have to

609
00:33:25,800 --> 00:33:29,600
Speaker 2: take responsibility as well. We had three daughters and a son,

610
00:33:29,720 --> 00:33:33,040
Speaker 2: and there were times where subconsciously I didn't realize it,

611
00:33:33,080 --> 00:33:36,280
Speaker 2: but that was sabotaging my husband. He'd be talking to

612
00:33:36,320 --> 00:33:38,600
Speaker 2: the girls and so forth, and I'd be listening and

613
00:33:38,640 --> 00:33:40,280
Speaker 2: I go, no, no, no, that's not the way you

614
00:33:40,360 --> 00:33:43,080
Speaker 2: talk to girls. And I'd swoop in and sort of

615
00:33:43,120 --> 00:33:46,560
Speaker 2: take over the conversation. What is the message to our daughters?

616
00:33:47,280 --> 00:33:51,280
Speaker 2: Dad doesn't understand, only mom does. Get out of the way.

617
00:33:51,920 --> 00:33:54,520
Speaker 2: So we mothers need to take a hard look at

618
00:33:54,760 --> 00:33:59,080
Speaker 2: are we sabotaging our husbands and their relationships with our kids?

619
00:33:59,360 --> 00:33:59,880
Speaker 3: Unknowing?

620
00:34:00,480 --> 00:34:06,560
Speaker 1: Wow, wow, anything else? Any other major mistake that parents

621
00:34:06,600 --> 00:34:08,279
Speaker 1: make unwittingly or wittingly.

622
00:34:09,200 --> 00:34:11,680
Speaker 2: Yes, I think they don't spend enough time with their kids.

623
00:34:11,719 --> 00:34:13,719
Speaker 2: I know that's a hard thing for parents to hear.

624
00:34:14,200 --> 00:34:19,400
Speaker 2: But you know, parents often ask me. You know, I

625
00:34:19,440 --> 00:34:21,319
Speaker 2: have a full time job, my husband has a full

626
00:34:21,320 --> 00:34:24,360
Speaker 2: time job. We have a babysitter fifty hours a week.

627
00:34:25,800 --> 00:34:29,640
Speaker 2: That child's going to have trouble. Kids are not made

628
00:34:29,680 --> 00:34:34,080
Speaker 2: to be raised in institutions or just by nannies. I

629
00:34:34,120 --> 00:34:35,480
Speaker 2: know I'm going to get a lot of hate mail

630
00:34:35,520 --> 00:34:37,840
Speaker 2: for that, but that's okay. My job is to speak

631
00:34:37,880 --> 00:34:41,240
Speaker 2: for children, not for their parents. Parents need to figure

632
00:34:41,280 --> 00:34:43,720
Speaker 2: out a way too. Working parents. You need to figure

633
00:34:43,719 --> 00:34:46,480
Speaker 2: out a way where you tag team. My husband and

634
00:34:46,560 --> 00:34:48,560
Speaker 2: I did that. Maybe you don't see each other as

635
00:34:48,680 --> 00:34:51,200
Speaker 2: much for a period of time. Oh well, you know

636
00:34:51,400 --> 00:34:54,880
Speaker 2: you can survive better. So parents need to really be

637
00:34:55,120 --> 00:34:59,440
Speaker 2: diligent about shifting their work schedules so they spend more

638
00:34:59,760 --> 00:35:00,919
Speaker 2: time with their kids.

639
00:35:00,920 --> 00:35:03,400
Speaker 1: You can't replace them, yeah, FaceTime with their children. It

640
00:35:03,440 --> 00:35:06,600
Speaker 1: look we're empty nesters now, and boy do I feel it.

641
00:35:06,680 --> 00:35:09,360
Speaker 1: And you look back and you go, oh, maybe I

642
00:35:09,360 --> 00:35:11,080
Speaker 1: should have gone with them on that trip. Maybe I

643
00:35:11,120 --> 00:35:13,560
Speaker 1: should have done that. That's what you always say to yourself,

644
00:35:13,600 --> 00:35:15,960
Speaker 1: so you can't spend too much time with your children.

645
00:35:16,040 --> 00:35:18,719
Speaker 1: That's the I hope. If there's a messages that people take,

646
00:35:18,719 --> 00:35:21,560
Speaker 1: I hope it's that one. Look. Seventy seven percent of

647
00:35:21,680 --> 00:35:27,000
Speaker 1: kids do not qualify meg for military service physically. Have

648
00:35:27,120 --> 00:35:30,200
Speaker 1: you seen a decline in overall health among your clients

649
00:35:30,200 --> 00:35:31,680
Speaker 1: among your patients, yes.

650
00:35:31,840 --> 00:35:33,040
Speaker 3: Yes, absolutely.

651
00:35:33,280 --> 00:35:37,400
Speaker 2: It's interesting now because we're going into a time period

652
00:35:37,400 --> 00:35:40,040
Speaker 2: where we're going to start examining foods and what's in them,

653
00:35:40,040 --> 00:35:42,120
Speaker 2: and we feel like, oh, there's too much fat, there's

654
00:35:42,160 --> 00:35:45,160
Speaker 2: too much die. This is our answer to obesity. No,

655
00:35:45,320 --> 00:35:50,960
Speaker 2: it isn't. The reason we have overweight kids who are

656
00:35:51,000 --> 00:35:54,480
Speaker 2: not in good physical condition is because we let them

657
00:35:54,520 --> 00:35:58,800
Speaker 2: eat all day long. Parents want their kids to snack

658
00:35:58,920 --> 00:35:59,560
Speaker 2: all the time.

659
00:36:00,080 --> 00:36:01,120
Speaker 3: Kids don't need a snack.

660
00:36:01,400 --> 00:36:05,040
Speaker 2: We're setting up very unhealthy eating habits for kids by

661
00:36:05,080 --> 00:36:07,960
Speaker 2: saying second grade, third grade, fifth grade, have you had

662
00:36:08,000 --> 00:36:11,239
Speaker 2: your snack? Kids should not eat every two hours? And

663
00:36:11,280 --> 00:36:14,040
Speaker 2: then what happens. They get older and they put on weight,

664
00:36:14,120 --> 00:36:15,920
Speaker 2: and the more weight you put on, the less you

665
00:36:15,960 --> 00:36:16,880
Speaker 2: want to exercise.

666
00:36:17,160 --> 00:36:18,320
Speaker 3: It's really hard.

667
00:36:18,120 --> 00:36:20,239
Speaker 2: To motivate a fifteen year old girl a boy to

668
00:36:20,280 --> 00:36:21,200
Speaker 2: go exercise.

669
00:36:21,320 --> 00:36:22,920
Speaker 1: Wow, So you know.

670
00:36:22,920 --> 00:36:26,319
Speaker 2: They get the snowball starts to roll and accumulate, and

671
00:36:26,440 --> 00:36:30,200
Speaker 2: pretty soon they have a hard time either dieting or exercising.

672
00:36:30,640 --> 00:36:33,839
Speaker 2: So I really feel that we parents need to take

673
00:36:33,920 --> 00:36:37,120
Speaker 2: charge again. It's like with cell phones. Don't put your

674
00:36:37,200 --> 00:36:39,840
Speaker 2: child on a diet, put the whole family.

675
00:36:39,440 --> 00:36:40,240
Speaker 3: On a diet.

676
00:36:40,480 --> 00:36:43,279
Speaker 2: You can't tell your kid to not eat after seven

677
00:36:43,280 --> 00:36:45,920
Speaker 2: o'clock at night. If you're watching a movie at nine

678
00:36:46,040 --> 00:36:47,919
Speaker 2: with a pull of popcorn, you just.

679
00:36:47,840 --> 00:36:48,480
Speaker 3: Can't do that.

680
00:36:49,040 --> 00:36:52,480
Speaker 2: And the other thing, too, is I think that parents

681
00:36:52,520 --> 00:36:55,520
Speaker 2: don't want to say no to their kids. Kids beg

682
00:36:55,680 --> 00:36:58,799
Speaker 2: for food all the time, and you have to be

683
00:36:58,840 --> 00:37:01,799
Speaker 2: able to say no, you cannot eat that, No, you

684
00:37:01,840 --> 00:37:03,080
Speaker 2: can't go in refrigerator.

685
00:37:03,560 --> 00:37:03,759
Speaker 3: You know.

686
00:37:03,960 --> 00:37:06,640
Speaker 2: If I know it sound like an old fuddy duddy,

687
00:37:06,640 --> 00:37:08,200
Speaker 2: But if it were an hour and a half before

688
00:37:08,200 --> 00:37:10,319
Speaker 2: dinner when I was a kid and if I went

689
00:37:10,400 --> 00:37:12,759
Speaker 2: to eat a snack, my mother say you can't do that,

690
00:37:12,840 --> 00:37:16,279
Speaker 2: We're going to have dinner. And so kids need to

691
00:37:16,360 --> 00:37:17,879
Speaker 2: learn respect for food.

692
00:37:17,760 --> 00:37:18,640
Speaker 1: Yeah, and restraint.

693
00:37:18,719 --> 00:37:19,520
Speaker 3: Need to teach them that.

694
00:37:19,719 --> 00:37:22,920
Speaker 1: Yeah, restraint, it's not a bad thing. Personal self mastery.

695
00:37:23,160 --> 00:37:26,000
Speaker 1: And the other thing is the kids are so sedentary today.

696
00:37:26,040 --> 00:37:28,040
Speaker 1: Make we went outside, I was thinking. When I was

697
00:37:28,080 --> 00:37:30,440
Speaker 1: a kid, it would be hours and hours after school

698
00:37:30,440 --> 00:37:32,560
Speaker 1: we were climbing trees until it got dark. You know,

699
00:37:32,600 --> 00:37:34,279
Speaker 1: they'd have to pull us in in the night time.

700
00:37:35,160 --> 00:37:37,200
Speaker 1: Kids don't do that anymore. They sit in front of

701
00:37:37,239 --> 00:37:38,840
Speaker 1: the green all night.

702
00:37:39,480 --> 00:37:41,880
Speaker 2: All night, all night, and so they sit and they

703
00:37:41,920 --> 00:37:44,919
Speaker 2: go like this and again on so many different levels.

704
00:37:44,960 --> 00:37:48,480
Speaker 2: It's very unhealthy. And I wonder if ADHD, you know,

705
00:37:48,680 --> 00:37:51,840
Speaker 2: is a result of that as well. It sounds ironic,

706
00:37:52,280 --> 00:37:57,160
Speaker 2: but boys who are bouncy need a tree in their backyard.

707
00:37:58,200 --> 00:38:01,000
Speaker 2: Just just let them go. If they fall out and

708
00:38:01,040 --> 00:38:03,680
Speaker 2: break their arm, oh well, they're still going to be

709
00:38:03,719 --> 00:38:06,160
Speaker 2: healthier than sitting in there looking at something.

710
00:38:06,400 --> 00:38:06,560
Speaker 1: You know.

711
00:38:06,600 --> 00:38:09,560
Speaker 2: We're so risk averse and we don't want our kids

712
00:38:09,560 --> 00:38:11,719
Speaker 2: to get hurt to this, and we feel like they're

713
00:38:11,800 --> 00:38:13,880
Speaker 2: safe if they're in front of a tablet or a

714
00:38:13,920 --> 00:38:15,000
Speaker 2: computer or their phone.

715
00:38:15,120 --> 00:38:15,799
Speaker 3: They're really not.

716
00:38:16,400 --> 00:38:19,720
Speaker 2: So we need to we need to really shift changing

717
00:38:19,800 --> 00:38:21,200
Speaker 2: some behaviors with our kids.

718
00:38:21,280 --> 00:38:21,839
Speaker 3: It's not that.

719
00:38:21,960 --> 00:38:27,040
Speaker 2: Hard, you know, kids can adapt really quickly. Again, it's

720
00:38:27,080 --> 00:38:28,759
Speaker 2: harder for us to go on a diet than it

721
00:38:28,800 --> 00:38:29,440
Speaker 2: is for kids.

722
00:38:29,520 --> 00:38:32,240
Speaker 1: Yeah, I think I want to start a Royal Grande

723
00:38:32,280 --> 00:38:36,360
Speaker 1: adventures for both adults couples and their kids, so that

724
00:38:36,640 --> 00:38:39,279
Speaker 1: you know, everybody wants to have an adventure meg and

725
00:38:39,320 --> 00:38:42,240
Speaker 1: it's like they've never been loosed to have those moments.

726
00:38:42,400 --> 00:38:43,719
Speaker 1: I mean I saw it with my kids. You know,

727
00:38:43,800 --> 00:38:47,879
Speaker 1: they went in gliding and skiing, they did all kinds

728
00:38:47,920 --> 00:38:51,480
Speaker 1: of whacking, were at whitewater rafting, things they'd never done before.

729
00:38:51,600 --> 00:38:54,440
Speaker 1: And was it a little dangerous, Yeah, life is dangerous,

730
00:38:54,560 --> 00:38:57,239
Speaker 1: but it teaches you a certain resiliency I think, and

731
00:38:57,840 --> 00:39:02,240
Speaker 1: the confidence by getting over those fears and actually mastering something.

732
00:39:02,280 --> 00:39:04,080
Speaker 1: And you know what, you have a good time.

733
00:39:05,120 --> 00:39:07,640
Speaker 2: You have a lot a really good time. And kids

734
00:39:07,719 --> 00:39:11,160
Speaker 2: need to be pushed and pressed into you know, not

735
00:39:11,280 --> 00:39:14,480
Speaker 2: sports or things that you know count towards college or whatever,

736
00:39:14,760 --> 00:39:18,120
Speaker 2: but just activities where they're taking a risk, a safe risk,

737
00:39:18,200 --> 00:39:20,440
Speaker 2: because you're the parent there and you're determining what's a

738
00:39:20,480 --> 00:39:21,240
Speaker 2: healthy risk.

739
00:39:21,080 --> 00:39:21,840
Speaker 3: And what isn't.

740
00:39:22,000 --> 00:39:25,440
Speaker 2: But to learn that they can they they're stronger than

741
00:39:25,440 --> 00:39:28,560
Speaker 2: they think mentally. They can get through that. They can

742
00:39:28,600 --> 00:39:31,719
Speaker 2: hold on to a raft and those those rapids and

743
00:39:31,760 --> 00:39:34,319
Speaker 2: they can be scared to death, but they get through

744
00:39:34,360 --> 00:39:37,440
Speaker 2: the rapids. And what a great lesson for the kids.

745
00:39:37,280 --> 00:39:39,839
Speaker 1: And you're speaking of the sports you've worked and you've

746
00:39:39,880 --> 00:39:42,960
Speaker 1: coached NFL players, which I did not know. What did

747
00:39:43,000 --> 00:39:47,120
Speaker 1: they teach you about parenting? And rage?

748
00:39:47,560 --> 00:39:49,479
Speaker 3: Oh so much, so much?

749
00:39:49,560 --> 00:39:52,880
Speaker 2: And Raymond full disclosure, I don't even understand how the

750
00:39:52,960 --> 00:39:53,880
Speaker 2: game's played.

751
00:39:54,480 --> 00:39:57,399
Speaker 3: But anyway, what I found is I was.

752
00:39:57,360 --> 00:39:59,520
Speaker 2: Called in there because a lot of them grew up

753
00:39:59,520 --> 00:40:03,480
Speaker 2: without f and the only person they felt comfortable trusting

754
00:40:03,719 --> 00:40:06,480
Speaker 2: was their mother. So I was a mother figure. So

755
00:40:06,640 --> 00:40:10,359
Speaker 2: I really was brought into the intimate details of their

756
00:40:10,400 --> 00:40:13,480
Speaker 2: lives growing up and so forth. And what I found

757
00:40:13,680 --> 00:40:17,840
Speaker 2: is that many of these elite athletes would say, I

758
00:40:17,960 --> 00:40:20,400
Speaker 2: get paid millions of dollars to go out on the

759
00:40:20,400 --> 00:40:26,080
Speaker 2: field and perform my craft extremely well and live just

760
00:40:26,200 --> 00:40:29,640
Speaker 2: on the edge of explosion. So my rage works well

761
00:40:29,719 --> 00:40:32,200
Speaker 2: for me, But then I come off the field and

762
00:40:32,280 --> 00:40:36,200
Speaker 2: nobody tells me how to turn it off. So then

763
00:40:36,239 --> 00:40:39,160
Speaker 2: they would go home and they didn't know how to

764
00:40:39,200 --> 00:40:41,640
Speaker 2: talk to their wives, they didn't know how to talk

765
00:40:41,680 --> 00:40:44,080
Speaker 2: to their kids. And so that's where I kind of

766
00:40:44,080 --> 00:40:46,560
Speaker 2: came in and said, look, you know, you're clearly a

767
00:40:46,719 --> 00:40:52,520
Speaker 2: very skilled a person, a man who's highly disciplined. You

768
00:40:52,600 --> 00:40:56,719
Speaker 2: need to transfer some of that discipline into parenting. I

769
00:40:56,880 --> 00:41:03,480
Speaker 2: also realized that, you know, without fathers, they really felt lost,

770
00:41:04,000 --> 00:41:06,960
Speaker 2: and in some ways, I think they were afraid of

771
00:41:07,040 --> 00:41:12,280
Speaker 2: themselves because they've never gotten pushback during their teen years

772
00:41:12,320 --> 00:41:15,479
Speaker 2: and their young adult years. And I really think that

773
00:41:15,480 --> 00:41:18,560
Speaker 2: that frightened them and I could see how that would

774
00:41:18,840 --> 00:41:19,800
Speaker 2: how that would happen.

775
00:41:20,120 --> 00:41:22,600
Speaker 1: Yeah, let's talk for a second about faith. I mean,

776
00:41:22,640 --> 00:41:27,000
Speaker 1: this runs through every book you've ever written. How important

777
00:41:27,120 --> 00:41:30,560
Speaker 1: is faith and religious practice not only to a child,

778
00:41:30,600 --> 00:41:33,480
Speaker 1: but to a family. And look, Meg, I have friends

779
00:41:33,480 --> 00:41:36,640
Speaker 1: who say, I'm not going to baptize that kid because

780
00:41:36,680 --> 00:41:39,920
Speaker 1: I want her to make her own decisions. Is that wise?

781
00:41:40,680 --> 00:41:42,600
Speaker 3: No, that's ridiculous.

782
00:41:43,000 --> 00:41:46,640
Speaker 2: And here's why, I say, because as a child gets older,

783
00:41:47,120 --> 00:41:51,160
Speaker 2: if they don't know anything about the Christian faith Catholicism,

784
00:41:51,239 --> 00:41:54,560
Speaker 2: how can they select it. So you have to teach

785
00:41:54,680 --> 00:41:57,960
Speaker 2: them what is available. And then you have to teach

786
00:41:58,040 --> 00:42:02,600
Speaker 2: them why you believe Christian faith. You know, we insist

787
00:42:02,640 --> 00:42:07,240
Speaker 2: that kids learn math and English and writing and social science.

788
00:42:08,360 --> 00:42:10,160
Speaker 2: And then they say, well, I don't need to teach

789
00:42:10,200 --> 00:42:13,680
Speaker 2: them religion. Yes you do, because that's part of learning.

790
00:42:13,800 --> 00:42:19,279
Speaker 2: I mean, it's really we have we have an obligation

791
00:42:19,760 --> 00:42:23,319
Speaker 2: to teach our kids our values, and we need to

792
00:42:23,360 --> 00:42:26,480
Speaker 2: teach them why we have faith and who God is

793
00:42:26,520 --> 00:42:29,440
Speaker 2: and why we believe that Christ grows.

794
00:42:29,200 --> 00:42:31,919
Speaker 3: From the dead. They want to know that.

795
00:42:32,280 --> 00:42:34,760
Speaker 2: I will tell you kids are so open to talking

796
00:42:34,760 --> 00:42:39,239
Speaker 2: about faith. And again, you know, they can choose when

797
00:42:39,239 --> 00:42:42,200
Speaker 2: they're twenty five or thirty to reject it. But if

798
00:42:42,239 --> 00:42:45,120
Speaker 2: they don't have anything, there's nothing to reject. So what

799
00:42:45,200 --> 00:42:48,520
Speaker 2: they'll do is they'll go and look for the easiest

800
00:42:48,600 --> 00:42:52,440
Speaker 2: religion they can find and just fold into it. That's

801
00:42:52,560 --> 00:42:56,319
Speaker 2: not a healthy good thing because faith in God is

802
00:42:56,480 --> 00:43:01,960
Speaker 2: extremely important across all measure of you know, physical health

803
00:43:01,960 --> 00:43:04,879
Speaker 2: and emotional health and staying in school and having good

804
00:43:04,920 --> 00:43:10,080
Speaker 2: marriages and relationships. Those kids that had a secure relationship

805
00:43:10,120 --> 00:43:13,880
Speaker 2: with God did better during the teen years and in

806
00:43:13,920 --> 00:43:17,719
Speaker 2: their adult life. So you know, the science backs it

807
00:43:17,760 --> 00:43:21,520
Speaker 2: all up. But again, when you think about kids living

808
00:43:21,560 --> 00:43:24,760
Speaker 2: in isolation, if they don't have a relationship with God

809
00:43:25,239 --> 00:43:29,239
Speaker 2: with them in that isolation, then they're really alone and

810
00:43:29,360 --> 00:43:31,120
Speaker 2: that's cruel to a kid.

811
00:43:31,320 --> 00:43:33,799
Speaker 1: Yeah, before I let you go, Meg, I usually do

812
00:43:33,840 --> 00:43:36,879
Speaker 1: an a Royal Grande questionnaire with all my guests. I'm

813
00:43:36,920 --> 00:43:39,120
Speaker 1: going to abbreviate it today because you've given us so

814
00:43:39,200 --> 00:43:40,880
Speaker 1: much time and so much wisdom. I don't want to

815
00:43:41,000 --> 00:43:43,440
Speaker 1: I don't want to keep you. But what is the

816
00:43:43,480 --> 00:43:46,120
Speaker 1: best advice you've ever been given.

817
00:43:46,719 --> 00:43:49,319
Speaker 2: Some of the best advice I've gotten I got right

818
00:43:49,400 --> 00:43:50,600
Speaker 2: out of my residency.

819
00:43:50,600 --> 00:43:51,319
Speaker 3: I was working with.

820
00:43:51,320 --> 00:43:56,680
Speaker 2: An older pediatrician. It was probably my age at that time.

821
00:43:56,719 --> 00:44:00,680
Speaker 2: I thought it was really old. Anyway, he said, never

822
00:44:00,800 --> 00:44:03,799
Speaker 2: forget this. If you want to take good care of

823
00:44:03,960 --> 00:44:07,480
Speaker 2: a patient, a child, you have to care for their parent,

824
00:44:08,200 --> 00:44:12,040
Speaker 2: because the parent has the power. You come in and

825
00:44:12,080 --> 00:44:14,600
Speaker 2: out of their lives. And I never forgot that. And

826
00:44:14,640 --> 00:44:18,239
Speaker 2: that's why all my books are written to parents. I

827
00:44:18,280 --> 00:44:20,399
Speaker 2: can't tell you how many parents want me to write

828
00:44:20,400 --> 00:44:24,239
Speaker 2: a book to their teenagers. And I say, first of all, no, because.

829
00:44:23,960 --> 00:44:26,600
Speaker 3: Teenagers don't read books like my yea.

830
00:44:27,080 --> 00:44:31,239
Speaker 2: Second of all, you have the influence, so I want

831
00:44:31,280 --> 00:44:36,080
Speaker 2: to train you to have a profound influence on your kids.

832
00:44:36,200 --> 00:44:38,880
Speaker 3: And that seems to work. So that's the best advice

833
00:44:38,920 --> 00:44:39,480
Speaker 3: I've gotten.

834
00:44:39,560 --> 00:44:42,160
Speaker 1: That is so wise. You know a friend of my

835
00:44:42,320 --> 00:44:46,320
Speaker 1: Mike friends, whenever he would interview people coming into his firm,

836
00:44:46,800 --> 00:44:50,160
Speaker 1: he would ask them, what do you know that no

837
00:44:50,160 --> 00:44:53,440
Speaker 1: one else knows? And I'll pose the same question to

838
00:44:53,480 --> 00:44:56,560
Speaker 1: you before I let you go. What do I know

839
00:44:57,360 --> 00:44:58,920
Speaker 1: that no one else knows?

840
00:44:59,239 --> 00:45:00,800
Speaker 3: That no one else knows?

841
00:45:01,640 --> 00:45:05,279
Speaker 2: Well, of course, I know the power of a dad

842
00:45:05,400 --> 00:45:09,319
Speaker 2: and a child's life. I would like to think that

843
00:45:09,560 --> 00:45:13,359
Speaker 2: I know the majesty of Christ better than anybody else,

844
00:45:13,400 --> 00:45:14,840
Speaker 2: but I know that's not true.

845
00:45:15,560 --> 00:45:18,480
Speaker 3: But that's the deepest joy I have in my life.

846
00:45:18,520 --> 00:45:22,040
Speaker 2: Is that is that love and that intimacy and I

847
00:45:22,160 --> 00:45:24,400
Speaker 2: have that. And even though I have a great relationship

848
00:45:24,400 --> 00:45:27,480
Speaker 2: with my husband, he has his own relationship with Christ

849
00:45:27,520 --> 00:45:29,640
Speaker 2: and I have my own, and it bonds us together.

850
00:45:29,680 --> 00:45:33,920
Speaker 2: But the mystery, the mystery feels very very personal.

851
00:45:34,520 --> 00:45:37,400
Speaker 1: Well you know you know that saying that the three

852
00:45:37,400 --> 00:45:41,080
Speaker 1: ply cord tied together the husband, the wife, and God

853
00:45:41,440 --> 00:45:44,600
Speaker 1: is really inseparable. And I think we also forget one

854
00:45:44,600 --> 00:45:47,600
Speaker 1: of those plies along the way. So thanks for reminding

855
00:45:47,640 --> 00:45:50,360
Speaker 1: us of that, doctor Meg Meeker. As always, thank you,

856
00:45:50,400 --> 00:45:51,360
Speaker 1: and hope you'll come back.

857
00:45:52,080 --> 00:45:53,440
Speaker 3: I'd love to thanks so much.

858
00:45:53,520 --> 00:45:56,919
Speaker 1: Damon great and and listen to doctor Meeker's podcast, which

859
00:45:56,960 --> 00:46:01,000
Speaker 1: is exceptional for parenting advice. She really gets into boundaries

860
00:46:01,040 --> 00:46:03,719
Speaker 1: and practical things that we all need as parents and

861
00:46:03,800 --> 00:46:08,520
Speaker 1: as people. Thank you, Meg, thank you. Okay, here's the whole,

862
00:46:08,640 --> 00:46:10,920
Speaker 1: the lesson that at least I drew from listening to

863
00:46:11,000 --> 00:46:15,360
Speaker 1: doctor Meeker. We underestimate our own power as parents, I think.

864
00:46:15,960 --> 00:46:18,640
Speaker 1: And if you spend the time with your children, and

865
00:46:18,680 --> 00:46:21,280
Speaker 1: not only your children, the people you love, the people

866
00:46:21,320 --> 00:46:24,320
Speaker 1: at work, the people in your family. When you spend

867
00:46:24,360 --> 00:46:29,839
Speaker 1: that time, you inevitably imprint your values, your thoughts, your

868
00:46:29,960 --> 00:46:34,399
Speaker 1: deeply held beliefs onto that child or those people you love.

869
00:46:34,880 --> 00:46:40,040
Speaker 1: And I think we don't often recognize that time spend

870
00:46:41,040 --> 00:46:46,240
Speaker 1: can accomplish so much. We divert ourselves with social media,

871
00:46:46,520 --> 00:46:49,040
Speaker 1: we get wrapped up in things that really don't matter,

872
00:46:49,280 --> 00:46:54,760
Speaker 1: but those one on one relationships. That FaceTime is essential.

873
00:46:55,680 --> 00:46:59,920
Speaker 1: And if you believe Meg Meeker and I do powerful Indeed,

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Speaker 1: I hope you'll come back to Arroyo Grande soon. Why

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00:47:03,480 --> 00:47:07,560
Speaker 1: live a dry, narrow, constricted life when if you fill

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00:47:07,600 --> 00:47:10,000
Speaker 1: it with good things, it can flow into a broad,

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00:47:10,120 --> 00:47:14,120
Speaker 1: thriving Arroyo Grande. I'm raving at Arroyo. Make sure you

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Speaker 1: subscribe and like this episode. Thank you for diving in.

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Speaker 1: Come back next time. Arroyo Grande is produced in partnership

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00:47:21,640 --> 00:47:25,439
Speaker 1: with iHeart Podcasts and is available on the iHeartRadio app,

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00:47:25,520 --> 00:47:27,600
Speaker 1: or wherever you get your podcasts.