WEBVTT - Fight Right

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<v Speaker 1>The key to survival, the actually the counter intuitive approach.

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<v Speaker 2>You hear it right, counter sold everywhere you get books,

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<v Speaker 2>you get books. We over me.

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<v Speaker 1>There you go. The counter intuitive approach to actually getting

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<v Speaker 1>your point across is listening first.

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<v Speaker 2>But two ears, both of them, all, both of them. Yes,

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<v Speaker 2>I like that. I like that. For me, I'm gonna

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<v Speaker 2>just I still have moments where I just I just

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<v Speaker 2>do want to fight. You know what I'm saying. I

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<v Speaker 2>just want to go back and forth what I be

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<v Speaker 2>going through. You know what I'm saying. I just want

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<v Speaker 2>to jog up a little beef, just for no reason.

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<v Speaker 3>I'm glad.

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<v Speaker 2>You know you know what happens after the fight.

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<v Speaker 1>Not dead ass, Live ass, dead Ass. It all started

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<v Speaker 1>with real talk, unfiltered, honest and straight from the heart.

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<v Speaker 1>Since then, we've gone on to become Weibby Award winning

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<v Speaker 1>podcasters in New York Times best selling authors.

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<v Speaker 2>Dead Ass was more than a podcast for us. It

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<v Speaker 2>was about our growth, a place where we could be vulnerable.

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<v Speaker 1>Be raw, or but most apportantly be us.

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<v Speaker 2>But as we know, life keeps evolving, and so do we,

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<v Speaker 2>and through it all, one thing has never changed. This

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<v Speaker 2>is ever after. Because we got a lot to talk about.

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<v Speaker 4>Yo.

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<v Speaker 1>All right, So first of all, I just want to

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<v Speaker 1>I just wanted to shout you out for admitting that

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<v Speaker 1>you just love to fight sometimes.

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<v Speaker 3>I do.

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<v Speaker 2>You know what I'm saying. It's a Sagittarius and me.

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<v Speaker 2>You say we'd be a little spontaneous. You know, we're

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<v Speaker 2>like a little spontanety.

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<v Speaker 1>Sometimes I'd be wondering what's going on, But now I.

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<v Speaker 2>Know it's how it be.

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<v Speaker 1>You know, we tried to blame the horm No.

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<v Speaker 2>Yes, I'm feeling a little spicy. Go my little ed

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<v Speaker 2>and a bobbin. I forgot my glasses today.

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<v Speaker 1>Job.

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<v Speaker 2>You know what I'm saying, my bamboo Areasney. Sometimes I'm

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<v Speaker 2>feeling a little like, you know, very Brooklyn, very much

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<v Speaker 2>like let's fight. Let's tussle a.

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<v Speaker 1>Little bit, y'all see what I go through. Pray for me,

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<v Speaker 1>Pray for me.

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<v Speaker 2>We keep a spicy over here.

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<v Speaker 3>Okay.

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<v Speaker 1>The funny thing is the story time that I'm stelling

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<v Speaker 1>today isn't about an argument between you and I for

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<v Speaker 1>once and for once, right, So it's actually very very different,

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<v Speaker 1>But it is talking about interpersonal communication. Last summer I

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<v Speaker 1>hired a consultant, as you guys know now, hopefully you've

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<v Speaker 1>been to vintage vine and spirits. But I started a business. Right,

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<v Speaker 1>go ahead, go ahead, breaking mortar, breaking mortar.

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<v Speaker 2>Yes for your wines, your spirits, this time a little elevated,

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<v Speaker 2>you know, establishment, if you will.

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<v Speaker 1>Allgated elevated tipsiness is what I like to you?

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<v Speaker 5>Like that drink responsibly? Yes, please always drink response responsibly.

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<v Speaker 5>But I knew nothing about this business, and I saw

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<v Speaker 5>an opportunity to own a break and mortar, so I

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<v Speaker 5>took that opportunity, and I had nothing.

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<v Speaker 1>I knew nothing about it. I wasn't an expert, so

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<v Speaker 1>what I did was hire an expert that knew exactly

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<v Speaker 1>what he was doing. And what I found myself was

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<v Speaker 1>trying to tell the expert that I hired and made

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<v Speaker 1>a lot of money to how I wanted the business run.

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<v Speaker 1>And it took about six months of debates and arguments

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<v Speaker 1>back and forth before I had to kind of swallow

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<v Speaker 1>my pride and realize that I didn't know shit about

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<v Speaker 1>what I was talking about. And I was more concerned

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<v Speaker 1>about proving that I knew what I was doing rather

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<v Speaker 1>than just letting him what I paid him for. So

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<v Speaker 1>I started just listening and understand his perspective so that

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<v Speaker 1>I could say, oh, rather than trying to defend why

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<v Speaker 1>that wouldn't work, just listen to it for sure. And

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<v Speaker 1>after a couple months, I was like, Oh, we're moving.

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<v Speaker 1>That's it because I'm getting out of my own way

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<v Speaker 1>him be.

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<v Speaker 5>The expert what it is, yes, but also taking the

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<v Speaker 5>time to give him a chance to speak so we

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<v Speaker 5>can get everything out.

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<v Speaker 1>And then it was my turn, and then we were

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<v Speaker 1>able to actually get the business across the finish line

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<v Speaker 1>because we both had to step back and say, ah,

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<v Speaker 1>you knew the business, but I knew the demographic. So

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<v Speaker 1>sometimes it's just getting out of your own way so

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<v Speaker 1>you can listen before you have so much to say.

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<v Speaker 2>And you always say you know what you don't know.

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<v Speaker 1>And now I knew what I didn't know. I just

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<v Speaker 1>didn't know how much I didn't know that part.

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<v Speaker 2>All right, karaoke time, all.

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<v Speaker 1>Right, so you you called out the bamboo and lings,

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<v Speaker 1>all right, So this song is around that time. And

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<v Speaker 1>since we're talking about fighting and you like to be

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<v Speaker 1>a thug, listen.

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<v Speaker 2>When I'm ready. You know what I'm saying. You can't

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<v Speaker 2>take the Brooklyn out of girl. Mama said knock you

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<v Speaker 2>as well to come back.

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<v Speaker 1>I've been married for years. Yeah, that's how been here.

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<v Speaker 1>Sometimes y'all heard my wife, you wanting to fight. I

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<v Speaker 1>don't be wanting to fight.

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<v Speaker 2>I want to That is such a lie.

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<v Speaker 1>I don't want to fight. I want to fuck.

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<v Speaker 3>Listen swear.

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<v Speaker 1>I don't want to fight anybody.

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<v Speaker 2>Who knows us. No. I love a debate, honey, he

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<v Speaker 2>got the receipts giving is giving high school debate t

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<v Speaker 2>middle school? Middle school even started earlier. My god, yes,

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<v Speaker 2>and I feel the effects of it every day.

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<v Speaker 1>I don't. I don't like to fight, but I do

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<v Speaker 1>love to debate. Yes, I do love to do that's

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<v Speaker 1>their love to be challenged. I love to challenge people.

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<v Speaker 1>That's why me in trouble get along so much. But

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<v Speaker 1>I don't like to fight my wife that I don't.

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<v Speaker 2>We don't really, we don't fight no more. We just

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<v Speaker 2>be like having these very long, drawing out discussions. But

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<v Speaker 2>at least we come to some sort of understanding and

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<v Speaker 2>then we move on because we're no longer the festering

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<v Speaker 2>and dragging it on to the next day.

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<v Speaker 1>That's the biggest thing. We'll discuss it. But we've learned

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<v Speaker 1>how to debate and discuss things without attacking each other

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<v Speaker 1>for sure.

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<v Speaker 4>Like it's fighting.

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<v Speaker 1>That's how you say that for karaoke.

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<v Speaker 4>You had your song, Bro, you had your song?

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<v Speaker 1>Is your friend?

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<v Speaker 2>Don't use it? It's a bottle of water.

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<v Speaker 1>About that destroyed Google?

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<v Speaker 2>Google destroyed? They didn't, he didn't. Google is still the thing,

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<v Speaker 2>you know?

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<v Speaker 1>Do we know that? Though? Triuple? Just Google Google and

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<v Speaker 1>then Google A. Yeah, so this is a serious question.

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<v Speaker 1>Google doesn't destroy the earth by using this stuff.

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<v Speaker 6>AI does, well, I guess data centers do.

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<v Speaker 1>Yeah.

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<v Speaker 6>I don't know if Google, like search engines, used the

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<v Speaker 6>same type of technology that AI technology.

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<v Speaker 2>Right, I guess we would have known by now, because

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<v Speaker 2>Google's been around so much longer, it probably would have

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<v Speaker 2>felled the effects.

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<v Speaker 1>Unless we do know, and they don't tell anybody, Like

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<v Speaker 1>Flint hasn't had water for the day and we didn't

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<v Speaker 1>find out until about what five years ago, and then

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<v Speaker 1>they still haven't fixed it. Well, I mean we should

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<v Speaker 1>look into that.

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<v Speaker 2>Listen that part. All right, y'all, Let's go pay some

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<v Speaker 2>bills and we'll be back with Trimble's favorite portion. Op up.

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<v Speaker 2>All right, Okay, we're back. Paddles up, y'all. O time.

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<v Speaker 2>What you got for us today?

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<v Speaker 6>Trip? All right? So this week a Vanity Fair article

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<v Speaker 6>came out that is a series of interviews with Trump's

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<v Speaker 6>chief of Staff Susie Wiles, and a photographer took pictures

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<v Speaker 6>of Trump's whole cabinet that are sparking at debate online.

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<v Speaker 6>The pictures were and the article was meant to show

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<v Speaker 6>an up close look at power and peril. And the

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<v Speaker 6>photographer that took these pictures, he posted these close up

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<v Speaker 6>images of Trump's cabinet members and they're smacked.

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<v Speaker 7>Big.

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<v Speaker 6>A big thing is Caroline Levitt is young, but she

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<v Speaker 6>looks like she's at least fifty and you can see

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<v Speaker 6>all her wrinkles up close.

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<v Speaker 7>There.

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<v Speaker 6>They have individual portraits with each person where it seems

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<v Speaker 6>like this photographer meant to make them look either like

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<v Speaker 6>small or childish, or there's like an inanimate object that's

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<v Speaker 6>more prominent in the photo. And so I know we

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<v Speaker 6>have two great photographers in a room, and so I

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<v Speaker 6>wanted to know op or no op about how this

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<v Speaker 6>how this photo shoot?

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<v Speaker 3>No live?

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<v Speaker 7>I saw these pictures last night. Oh I gotta I

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<v Speaker 7>gotta op, got an op man, I gotta.

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<v Speaker 3>Bop yo yo.

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<v Speaker 7>I saw these pictures last night, right, And I thought

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<v Speaker 7>it was a joke, Like I thought it was a

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<v Speaker 7>collection of images from other photographs and like screen grabs

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<v Speaker 7>and like like really tight photos of the cabinet members.

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<v Speaker 7>But no, this is actual, a real like real thing,

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<v Speaker 7>Like this is incredible. I actually like it. I mean

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<v Speaker 7>to be honest with you, the I like the thought

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<v Speaker 7>around not taking the typical pictures get you know, such

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<v Speaker 7>a I want to say, like esteemed, but like this

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<v Speaker 7>is not everyday photographer's task to shoot a presidential cabinet, right,

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<v Speaker 7>so you do get one that's as impactful and will

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<v Speaker 7>be as memorable as Donald Trump's cabinet. You he took

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<v Speaker 7>full advantage of making photos that will always be remembered.

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<v Speaker 2>Right.

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<v Speaker 3>This is like, this is like completely out of the box.

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<v Speaker 1>Now.

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<v Speaker 7>The photos are comical when you when you consider the

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<v Speaker 7>status of the person versus the quality of the photo, right,

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<v Speaker 7>Like they don't match whatsoever.

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<v Speaker 3>But I think that's what's brilliant about it.

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<v Speaker 2>I don't know, I think that that's what the photographer

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<v Speaker 2>had in mind.

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<v Speaker 6>Absolutely, you don't make these pictures like yeah, so the photographer,

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<v Speaker 6>Christopher Anderson is a prolific editorial photographer. He takes great pictures.

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<v Speaker 6>And some of these pictures like JD Van's for ind

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<v Speaker 6>and his portrait photo. It's a full body portrait and

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<v Speaker 6>he's standing next to a light switch and a like

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<v Speaker 6>a temperature gauge, which and it's in the photo. Like

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<v Speaker 6>no good photographer would lead that in that photo.

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<v Speaker 2>Is that easily photoshop?

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<v Speaker 4>Yeah?

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<v Speaker 6>So it's like it's like a reference to how tall,

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<v Speaker 6>how small he is, you know, and this photographer is

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<v Speaker 6>a professional. It's not like this is his first photo shoot.

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<v Speaker 6>He would never you know, compromise his own art or

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<v Speaker 6>his reputation by taking a bad photo unless it is

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<v Speaker 6>on purpose.

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<v Speaker 4>But I don't think he's a bad photo.

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<v Speaker 6>No, they're not bad photos.

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<v Speaker 2>But that you know, that is just like the frame

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<v Speaker 2>and the choice of like angle, it's not the standard

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<v Speaker 2>cabinet portrait you would typically expect.

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<v Speaker 7>Yeah, it's like what you're including in the photograph is not,

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<v Speaker 7>like Matt said, expected, But he's purpose included. I think

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<v Speaker 7>it's part of it's a part of storytelling, which obviously this.

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<v Speaker 1>Is this is what it is. Yeah, this cabinet wants

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<v Speaker 1>to control all narratives. So this doesn't surprise me. Hey,

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<v Speaker 1>we're normal we're just like you were regular. Well they

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<v Speaker 1>take all your money.

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<v Speaker 6>Well they didn't. They didn't have the artistic choice. The

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<v Speaker 6>photographer did.

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<v Speaker 1>Yeah, And what I'm saying is, I'm pretty sure that

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<v Speaker 1>administration told that photographer exactly how it's going to go.

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<v Speaker 1>They'd be telling this, they be telling anybody what to do.

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<v Speaker 2>True, And if they made it out, then somebody approved them.

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<v Speaker 6>Though, right, yeah, Vanity Fair did. Yeah, because this is

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<v Speaker 6>this would be against what they would want. They wouldn't

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<v Speaker 6>want to look stat you asque But they also are

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<v Speaker 6>not artistic people, and they're not they're not sophisticated, right, right,

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<v Speaker 6>So even if they did approve, it is likely that

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<v Speaker 6>they could have missed some of this stuff because they

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<v Speaker 6>just don't have the sophistication that you know, people don't.

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<v Speaker 2>Be sophisticated when you sometimes will like somebody say, oh,

0:11:50.440 --> 0:11:51.800
<v Speaker 2>I'll take a picture for you, and then you hand

0:11:51.840 --> 0:11:53.640
<v Speaker 2>them your phone and then they take a picture and

0:11:53.679 --> 0:11:55.120
<v Speaker 2>like you're all the way down here in the bottom

0:11:55.200 --> 0:11:57.079
<v Speaker 2>left corner and there's a bunch of shit in the background.

0:11:57.080 --> 0:11:59.760
<v Speaker 2>It's like, what were you taking the picture of me?

0:12:00.040 --> 0:12:01.720
<v Speaker 6>I ain't gonna take picture of you.

0:12:01.800 --> 0:12:04.880
<v Speaker 2>That's me invested when somebody asked me to take a picture,

0:12:04.960 --> 0:12:07.080
<v Speaker 2>I'm like, Okay, let me frame this up. Let me

0:12:07.080 --> 0:12:09.400
<v Speaker 2>make sure you look good. I fix the light, face

0:12:09.440 --> 0:12:11.320
<v Speaker 2>the light you don't want to like behind you. Like

0:12:11.400 --> 0:12:14.040
<v Speaker 2>I do all those things just easily, and then I

0:12:14.040 --> 0:12:16.240
<v Speaker 2>find like when I pass it to somebody else, it'll

0:12:16.280 --> 0:12:17.880
<v Speaker 2>just be like I don't.

0:12:18.040 --> 0:12:20.280
<v Speaker 7>I don't ever get good photos of people taking me

0:12:20.440 --> 0:12:22.480
<v Speaker 7>like if casually just taking pictures of me.

0:12:22.640 --> 0:12:29.400
<v Speaker 6>I know Josh is not talking I.

0:12:29.720 --> 0:12:30.120
<v Speaker 7>Josh.

0:12:30.880 --> 0:12:34.680
<v Speaker 6>I asked Josh to take pictures of me one time once,

0:12:34.840 --> 0:12:36.679
<v Speaker 6>the only ones in my whole life. The whole time

0:12:36.720 --> 0:12:38.800
<v Speaker 6>I've known Josh five years, I've asked him to take

0:12:38.840 --> 0:12:41.800
<v Speaker 6>picture of me. One time. He took the pictures. He

0:12:41.960 --> 0:12:44.440
<v Speaker 6>acted like it was all good. I'm moving around posting.

0:12:44.440 --> 0:12:46.960
<v Speaker 6>I'm pretty awkward in front of the camera. So I'm like, Josh,

0:12:47.160 --> 0:12:49.960
<v Speaker 6>you're a fucking fantastic photography. It's gonna make me look

0:12:50.000 --> 0:12:54.199
<v Speaker 6>so good. It's a parking no parking sign in every picture,

0:12:55.360 --> 0:12:56.080
<v Speaker 6>every picture.

0:12:56.720 --> 0:12:59.839
<v Speaker 3>And I was stupid. He just talked about We just

0:13:00.040 --> 0:13:02.439
<v Speaker 3>talked about. She doesn't have the nuance to know.

0:13:03.880 --> 0:13:05.240
<v Speaker 1>Focus on yes.

0:13:05.400 --> 0:13:07.800
<v Speaker 7>She thinks that it should be I heard her on

0:13:07.840 --> 0:13:10.400
<v Speaker 7>the phone yesterday telling somebody the photographer can't take that out.

0:13:10.600 --> 0:13:11.680
<v Speaker 3>Nigga, she got glasses.

0:13:11.920 --> 0:13:15.040
<v Speaker 6>He wasn't a photographer. See, that's why you shouldn't be nosy,

0:13:15.080 --> 0:13:19.480
<v Speaker 6>because I wasn't even talking about photographersiness in my business.

0:13:19.960 --> 0:13:22.920
<v Speaker 6>I was talking about an illustrator who's drawing an original

0:13:22.960 --> 0:13:25.120
<v Speaker 6>photo of me and using a photo where I'm wearing

0:13:25.160 --> 0:13:26.280
<v Speaker 6>glasses as a reference.

0:13:26.360 --> 0:13:29.200
<v Speaker 3>All right, we don't need to fight exactly, because.

0:13:28.960 --> 0:13:32.280
<v Speaker 1>You're fighting wrong and you beout, you better get.

0:13:32.679 --> 0:13:35.280
<v Speaker 7>In here the real talk. What she didn't realize is

0:13:35.320 --> 0:13:37.160
<v Speaker 7>that it was a video that I was doing her.

0:13:37.200 --> 0:13:39.160
<v Speaker 7>She was dancing around a movie and I was capturing

0:13:39.160 --> 0:13:41.079
<v Speaker 7>the video. You know, you got that button on the

0:13:41.120 --> 0:13:42.760
<v Speaker 7>side where you can press while you're doing a video

0:13:42.800 --> 0:13:45.600
<v Speaker 7>to take pictures. That's what the pictures were. She never

0:13:45.800 --> 0:13:47.880
<v Speaker 7>she never saw the video. She only saw the pictures.

0:13:47.920 --> 0:13:50.760
<v Speaker 6>Yeah, I didn't even know that button existed. You know what,

0:13:51.040 --> 0:13:51.760
<v Speaker 6>I take horrible?

0:13:52.080 --> 0:13:54.600
<v Speaker 7>She was wrong, right, It wasn't a bunch of pictures.

0:13:54.600 --> 0:13:56.800
<v Speaker 7>There's a bunch of steals from a video. And you

0:13:56.840 --> 0:13:58.760
<v Speaker 7>didn't appreciate the video that I made for you.

0:13:58.720 --> 0:14:00.680
<v Speaker 6>And I didn't ask for a video. That was the

0:14:00.720 --> 0:14:02.000
<v Speaker 6>thing I asked for a picture.

0:14:02.920 --> 0:14:04.840
<v Speaker 4>That's none of that the best part of trip. Asked

0:14:04.840 --> 0:14:06.400
<v Speaker 4>me to take the picture. I was like, Josh should

0:14:06.400 --> 0:14:06.839
<v Speaker 4>take a field.

0:14:07.240 --> 0:14:10.760
<v Speaker 6>That's exactly so that's that's even worse. I don't even ask.

0:14:10.720 --> 0:14:13.760
<v Speaker 1>Josh for a favor, So that actually is a copra

0:14:13.800 --> 0:14:21.120
<v Speaker 1>here fighting Matt, not fighting fair. Matt said, I'm back,

0:14:21.240 --> 0:14:21.840
<v Speaker 1>We're back.

0:14:21.680 --> 0:14:24.320
<v Speaker 3>On our She just threw me under the bus. I

0:14:24.480 --> 0:14:26.440
<v Speaker 3>was like, you know what I'm saying, I'm.

0:14:26.680 --> 0:14:28.080
<v Speaker 2>Just end up with a bunch of selfies in your

0:14:28.080 --> 0:14:29.400
<v Speaker 2>phone because that's typically.

0:14:31.120 --> 0:14:32.240
<v Speaker 1>You do that.

0:14:33.640 --> 0:14:36.960
<v Speaker 6>There's a there's a selfie Joshie in my phone.

0:14:37.520 --> 0:14:39.360
<v Speaker 4>I don't think so that's a terrible bet for you

0:14:39.400 --> 0:14:39.680
<v Speaker 4>to take.

0:14:39.800 --> 0:14:39.960
<v Speaker 1>Bro.

0:14:42.320 --> 0:14:43.720
<v Speaker 2>John said she.

0:14:43.760 --> 0:14:45.320
<v Speaker 1>Was going to take a picture and you would flip

0:14:45.320 --> 0:14:46.800
<v Speaker 1>the phone and go like this person. I was like,

0:14:46.880 --> 0:14:49.360
<v Speaker 1>stop takingself You'd be like, all right, think about how

0:14:49.400 --> 0:14:52.440
<v Speaker 1>long we've been friends, Bro, you ain't never do that.

0:14:52.480 --> 0:14:53.600
<v Speaker 1>I know you did it the kay.

0:14:55.200 --> 0:14:56.600
<v Speaker 4>To a bunch of people, so I know that's a

0:14:56.640 --> 0:14:57.520
<v Speaker 4>bad to take.

0:14:58.040 --> 0:15:02.200
<v Speaker 2>The stranger that I feel like we've really only.

0:15:02.480 --> 0:15:05.000
<v Speaker 6>Five years in January that we started coming to Atlanta.

0:15:05.080 --> 0:15:07.040
<v Speaker 6>I've known y'all for seven seven year.

0:15:07.040 --> 0:15:10.000
<v Speaker 2>I about to say, because I'm damn like it feels longer.

0:15:14.360 --> 0:15:17.000
<v Speaker 2>All right, well here we are.

0:15:17.280 --> 0:15:19.280
<v Speaker 6>We got to have an anniversary going strong.

0:15:19.440 --> 0:15:22.320
<v Speaker 1>We do Josh anniversary.

0:15:22.480 --> 0:15:28.200
<v Speaker 2>You're don't have all the cabinet members look crazy cabinet.

0:15:28.440 --> 0:15:30.600
<v Speaker 3>I would love to do Alice after shoot just like that.

0:15:30.840 --> 0:15:34.280
<v Speaker 2>Yeah, that would be that would actually be like the

0:15:34.360 --> 0:15:36.560
<v Speaker 2>personality shots. That would be great.

0:15:36.640 --> 0:15:37.960
<v Speaker 1>It's coming, guys, is coming post.

0:15:38.480 --> 0:15:40.200
<v Speaker 3>We're just not going to tell you before we're going

0:15:40.280 --> 0:15:40.760
<v Speaker 3>to do it.

0:15:40.960 --> 0:15:43.280
<v Speaker 6>Because he played me last time. I didn't come in

0:15:43.320 --> 0:15:45.400
<v Speaker 6>my picture clothes. You know what I'm saying. I came

0:15:45.480 --> 0:15:49.240
<v Speaker 6>in my comfy clothes. I look ridiculous.

0:15:49.360 --> 0:15:52.560
<v Speaker 1>So question, were the cabinet members dressed up in like pictures?

0:15:53.120 --> 0:15:58.120
<v Speaker 7>They were every day close and they weren't everyday governmental.

0:15:59.560 --> 0:16:01.080
<v Speaker 1>Yeah, yes, they.

0:16:00.920 --> 0:16:03.640
<v Speaker 6>Look a mess. So here's the second opera no op

0:16:03.720 --> 0:16:06.360
<v Speaker 6>since we're talking about fight right. So the reason why

0:16:06.400 --> 0:16:08.680
<v Speaker 6>I picked this title for this episode is because I

0:16:08.680 --> 0:16:12.200
<v Speaker 6>have a book by doctor John and doctors John and

0:16:12.280 --> 0:16:16.040
<v Speaker 6>Julie Gotman. It's called fight Right. And they started the

0:16:16.040 --> 0:16:21.040
<v Speaker 6>Gotment Institute where they study. They provide science based information

0:16:21.800 --> 0:16:27.040
<v Speaker 6>about relationships. Couple's marriage is their specialty. And so years ago.

0:16:27.080 --> 0:16:30.680
<v Speaker 6>They came up with this the four horsemen of the Apocalypse,

0:16:31.200 --> 0:16:34.760
<v Speaker 6>and it's a metaphor they used to describe destructive communication

0:16:34.880 --> 0:16:38.280
<v Speaker 6>styles that, based on decades of research, can predict the

0:16:38.400 --> 0:16:41.960
<v Speaker 6>end of a relationship with over ninety percent accuracy if

0:16:42.040 --> 0:16:46.400
<v Speaker 6>not addressed. And so those four horsemen when you're communicating

0:16:46.440 --> 0:16:51.200
<v Speaker 6>in conflict with your partner are criticism, so attacking your

0:16:51.240 --> 0:16:56.440
<v Speaker 6>partner's core character rather than sticking to a specific complaint. Contempt,

0:16:56.560 --> 0:17:00.680
<v Speaker 6>which is sarcasm, name calling, iron it can make your

0:17:00.720 --> 0:17:06.480
<v Speaker 6>partner feel despised or worthless. Defensiveness when your partner may

0:17:06.480 --> 0:17:10.080
<v Speaker 6>make excuses or play the innocent victim to deflect blame

0:17:10.840 --> 0:17:14.760
<v Speaker 6>or like cross complaining like you know, yeah I did this,

0:17:14.840 --> 0:17:18.880
<v Speaker 6>but you did that. And then stonewalling, which is when

0:17:19.200 --> 0:17:24.200
<v Speaker 6>a partner withdraws from the interaction, shuts down, or stops responding.

0:17:24.880 --> 0:17:29.560
<v Speaker 2>So comes from someone or a relationship exhibiting all four

0:17:29.600 --> 0:17:32.120
<v Speaker 2>of these or just one of them.

0:17:34.080 --> 0:17:37.000
<v Speaker 1>Yeah, this is why I said early on.

0:17:36.920 --> 0:17:38.200
<v Speaker 2>We had to kick the bucket a long time.

0:17:38.720 --> 0:17:41.560
<v Speaker 6>Yeah, Well that's that's that's the part of it is

0:17:41.560 --> 0:17:44.639
<v Speaker 6>that if it's not addressed, that's the ninety percent accuracy

0:17:44.640 --> 0:17:46.600
<v Speaker 6>that a relationship will in But if you address it,

0:17:46.640 --> 0:17:49.879
<v Speaker 6>and you can try to try to at least acknowledge

0:17:49.960 --> 0:17:52.800
<v Speaker 6>and repair, then you should be able to, you know,

0:17:52.880 --> 0:17:56.280
<v Speaker 6>continue to grow. Yeah, but op or no, op? Are

0:17:56.280 --> 0:17:59.159
<v Speaker 6>you do you experience any of these four horsemen? Have

0:17:59.320 --> 0:18:01.040
<v Speaker 6>you in the past? Have you addressed it?

0:18:02.160 --> 0:18:02.440
<v Speaker 1>Yes?

0:18:02.640 --> 0:18:05.760
<v Speaker 2>Absolutely, in twenty three years, I would hope. So, you know,

0:18:05.880 --> 0:18:09.159
<v Speaker 2>I think for me, though, all four of these go

0:18:09.240 --> 0:18:11.320
<v Speaker 2>hand in hand with accountability, which I said in a

0:18:11.359 --> 0:18:13.280
<v Speaker 2>prior episode that's the one thing that I think was

0:18:13.320 --> 0:18:16.480
<v Speaker 2>always lacking for me, just this desire to always feel

0:18:16.480 --> 0:18:19.119
<v Speaker 2>like I'm doing the right thing all the time. And

0:18:19.480 --> 0:18:22.159
<v Speaker 2>that's not that I'm perfect, but it's just like, no,

0:18:22.200 --> 0:18:25.560
<v Speaker 2>my intention is this? Why did it impact you that way?

0:18:26.119 --> 0:18:29.160
<v Speaker 2>So I think for me, accountability goes hand in hand

0:18:29.200 --> 0:18:31.880
<v Speaker 2>with those four because at least now, even if one

0:18:31.880 --> 0:18:34.240
<v Speaker 2>of these things were to happen, I'm not looking at

0:18:34.240 --> 0:18:36.600
<v Speaker 2>it from the lens of okay, how could I have

0:18:37.000 --> 0:18:39.639
<v Speaker 2>handled this differently? Or how can I own up to

0:18:39.720 --> 0:18:41.879
<v Speaker 2>my part and something that went wrong? You know, when

0:18:41.920 --> 0:18:44.440
<v Speaker 2>it comes to for example, defensiveness, like that's something that

0:18:44.520 --> 0:18:46.000
<v Speaker 2>Devala has told me all the time, and the moment

0:18:46.040 --> 0:18:47.400
<v Speaker 2>I don't feel like I'm being defensive.

0:18:47.720 --> 0:18:49.560
<v Speaker 1>No one ever does. It's not just you. No one

0:18:49.600 --> 0:18:54.280
<v Speaker 1>feels like they're being defensive. Those defensive people saying defensive, right.

0:18:54.720 --> 0:18:57.160
<v Speaker 2>I think I've done that. Stonewalling. I've done that too,

0:18:57.440 --> 0:18:58.680
<v Speaker 2>you know, just being like, you know, I just don't

0:18:58.680 --> 0:19:01.200
<v Speaker 2>even want to talk about this anymore. So, Yeah, I

0:19:01.200 --> 0:19:02.879
<v Speaker 2>think we all fall victim to it at some point.

0:19:03.119 --> 0:19:05.920
<v Speaker 1>I think the biggest thing is when we talk about

0:19:05.920 --> 0:19:09.240
<v Speaker 1>fighting right, knowing what you're fighting for, right, Like, you

0:19:09.280 --> 0:19:11.800
<v Speaker 1>should be fighting to stay together. And if you're fighting

0:19:11.840 --> 0:19:13.680
<v Speaker 1>to stay together, then you're going to find a way

0:19:13.720 --> 0:19:16.280
<v Speaker 1>to fight, right. But if you're fighting to win the argument,

0:19:16.600 --> 0:19:18.320
<v Speaker 1>that's when you end up in that ninety percent of

0:19:18.600 --> 0:19:21.359
<v Speaker 1>getting divorced and not being together. For me, the first

0:19:21.359 --> 0:19:23.840
<v Speaker 1>thing is I'm fighting to be here. I'm fighting to

0:19:23.920 --> 0:19:26.000
<v Speaker 1>be with my wife. I'm fighting for us to stay

0:19:26.000 --> 0:19:26.639
<v Speaker 1>again together.

0:19:26.720 --> 0:19:27.040
<v Speaker 6>Yeah.

0:19:27.080 --> 0:19:28.920
<v Speaker 1>So if I know that that's what I'm fighting for,

0:19:29.040 --> 0:19:31.920
<v Speaker 1>it doesn't matter what the outcome is. I know what

0:19:31.960 --> 0:19:33.640
<v Speaker 1>my my intent is, so the.

0:19:33.560 --> 0:19:37.160
<v Speaker 2>Fight doesn't it doesn't become something individualistic. It becomes more

0:19:37.200 --> 0:19:37.680
<v Speaker 2>of like.

0:19:37.960 --> 0:19:39.520
<v Speaker 1>I'm fighting for us, what are we doing? And not

0:19:39.560 --> 0:19:40.040
<v Speaker 1>fighting for me?

0:19:40.359 --> 0:19:41.040
<v Speaker 2>Fighting for us?

0:19:41.720 --> 0:19:44.000
<v Speaker 1>I think that's that, ultimately is how you get past

0:19:44.080 --> 0:19:47.320
<v Speaker 1>those four because everybody exhibits one or multiple of those four.

0:19:47.840 --> 0:19:49.919
<v Speaker 1>But if you're fighting for the right reasons, then you can.

0:19:49.760 --> 0:19:54.879
<v Speaker 2>Find reason all relationships, not just oh yeah relationships. Yeah, yeah, absolutely,

0:19:54.920 --> 0:19:58.920
<v Speaker 2>familial work all that. How about y'all, which one which

0:19:58.920 --> 0:20:00.560
<v Speaker 2>one stands out for you? Of the four?

0:20:00.920 --> 0:20:03.120
<v Speaker 4>Stonewalling because I'm not gonna argue with you, just walk away.

0:20:03.280 --> 0:20:04.160
<v Speaker 2>That's very much Matt.

0:20:04.240 --> 0:20:06.240
<v Speaker 4>I can see that it's a flaw.

0:20:06.359 --> 0:20:08.639
<v Speaker 2>But two places Matt ain't going y'all.

0:20:08.640 --> 0:20:15.680
<v Speaker 5>This bag and be like, all right, simple, just heard

0:20:15.720 --> 0:20:17.280
<v Speaker 5>your copy.

0:20:18.240 --> 0:20:25.720
<v Speaker 7>Yeah, maybe defensiveness earlier on, I used to be defensive,

0:20:26.240 --> 0:20:27.240
<v Speaker 7>but stone waning for sure.

0:20:29.280 --> 0:20:32.640
<v Speaker 4>I say defensiveness for me as well. I gotta work

0:20:32.680 --> 0:20:34.440
<v Speaker 4>on that a little bit more. But I feel like

0:20:34.440 --> 0:20:35.280
<v Speaker 4>I've gotten better with that.

0:20:35.760 --> 0:20:40.600
<v Speaker 2>Yeah for me. Stonewalling another word for that. That's like

0:20:40.640 --> 0:20:42.719
<v Speaker 2>my thing. I just sometimes you just can't be bothered

0:20:42.720 --> 0:20:44.159
<v Speaker 2>like in that moment either you just don't have the

0:20:44.200 --> 0:20:47.879
<v Speaker 2>capacity for it. I just don't see any value in

0:20:47.920 --> 0:20:51.080
<v Speaker 2>this moment with continuing, you know. And then Deval has

0:20:51.080 --> 0:20:53.680
<v Speaker 2>hated that because he feels like I'm shutting him off

0:20:53.760 --> 0:20:57.199
<v Speaker 2>or shutting down, whereas I just feel like to protect

0:20:57.240 --> 0:20:59.800
<v Speaker 2>both of our space and both of our feelings in

0:20:59.800 --> 0:21:01.919
<v Speaker 2>that it's like better if I do that, But you

0:21:01.920 --> 0:21:03.600
<v Speaker 2>were like, absolutely not. You want to get to the

0:21:03.600 --> 0:21:04.359
<v Speaker 2>bottom of things.

0:21:04.440 --> 0:21:06.959
<v Speaker 1>Yeah, because in real time, I think it's important that

0:21:07.040 --> 0:21:10.199
<v Speaker 1>if you understand that you're fighting for you and your partner,

0:21:10.320 --> 0:21:14.919
<v Speaker 1>you understand what your partner's first defense mechanisms are going

0:21:15.000 --> 0:21:17.080
<v Speaker 1>to be. Right. Are they going to stonewarm me? Are

0:21:17.080 --> 0:21:19.400
<v Speaker 1>they going to defend themselves? Are they going to eye roll?

0:21:19.680 --> 0:21:21.840
<v Speaker 1>And since I'm fighting for us to be here, I

0:21:21.880 --> 0:21:23.720
<v Speaker 1>don't point that out and just be like, look, you're

0:21:23.720 --> 0:21:25.600
<v Speaker 1>doing anything, I say, yo, can we not? Can we

0:21:25.640 --> 0:21:27.960
<v Speaker 1>get past that? Or I'll accept the fact that you

0:21:27.960 --> 0:21:29.960
<v Speaker 1>know what, you're being defensive right now, You're not really

0:21:30.000 --> 0:21:32.520
<v Speaker 1>hearing what I'm saying, So I'll try to pivot and

0:21:32.600 --> 0:21:36.840
<v Speaker 1>change my approach to avoid hitting those triggers, because it

0:21:36.960 --> 0:21:39.120
<v Speaker 1>matters to me that I don't trigger you while trying

0:21:39.119 --> 0:21:41.360
<v Speaker 1>to explain how I feel. Yeah, you know what I'm saying.

0:21:41.760 --> 0:21:45.400
<v Speaker 2>Yeah, it's a lot to have to juggle within an interaction, But.

0:21:46.240 --> 0:21:49.439
<v Speaker 1>You choose somebody. If you choose somebody, and this is

0:21:49.480 --> 0:21:52.520
<v Speaker 1>the person you think is worth fighting for. That's what

0:21:52.560 --> 0:21:54.360
<v Speaker 1>you do. And a lot of times you will hear

0:21:54.760 --> 0:21:57.480
<v Speaker 1>online or people like I ain't going through all of that. Fine,

0:21:57.720 --> 0:22:00.600
<v Speaker 1>you haven't found the person that's worth it for you,

0:22:01.119 --> 0:22:04.240
<v Speaker 1>and that's okay. But when you do, you're going to

0:22:04.400 --> 0:22:07.360
<v Speaker 1>have to be able to do that. Because as much

0:22:07.400 --> 0:22:09.360
<v Speaker 1>as I can sit here and say I've figured out

0:22:09.400 --> 0:22:12.720
<v Speaker 1>all the pillars to not be defensive, let me be

0:22:12.760 --> 0:22:14.600
<v Speaker 1>in a bad place at a bad time, in a

0:22:14.640 --> 0:22:16.960
<v Speaker 1>bad moment. I'm going to get defensive. I'm going to

0:22:17.040 --> 0:22:19.560
<v Speaker 1>stone wall, I'm gonna roll my eyes, and I'm just

0:22:19.560 --> 0:22:21.399
<v Speaker 1>gonna be hoping that I hope my wife in that

0:22:21.440 --> 0:22:23.879
<v Speaker 1>moment realized I was in a bad spot and not

0:22:23.920 --> 0:22:26.080
<v Speaker 1>take that as that's me all the time. And I

0:22:26.080 --> 0:22:28.439
<v Speaker 1>think that's the most important thing about fighting fear is

0:22:28.520 --> 0:22:30.760
<v Speaker 1>understanding that, you know, what, where is my person at

0:22:30.800 --> 0:22:33.359
<v Speaker 1>right now? While we have this conversation. You know, you

0:22:33.400 --> 0:22:35.360
<v Speaker 1>and I have been dealing with a lot of grief recently,

0:22:35.880 --> 0:22:39.520
<v Speaker 1>so our conversations have been extremely intense and short because

0:22:39.560 --> 0:22:41.439
<v Speaker 1>the minute I say something, that you say something, we

0:22:41.520 --> 0:22:44.359
<v Speaker 1>both feel like, oh, you know, we feel attacked. The

0:22:44.359 --> 0:22:45.400
<v Speaker 1>spotlight is on us.

0:22:45.440 --> 0:22:46.880
<v Speaker 2>Oh for sure, and over.

0:22:46.680 --> 0:22:49.720
<v Speaker 1>The past couple of months, we've targeted that and said,

0:22:49.720 --> 0:22:51.560
<v Speaker 1>you know, you acting like this, and I say, I'm

0:22:51.560 --> 0:22:52.320
<v Speaker 1>acting like this.

0:22:52.560 --> 0:22:55.560
<v Speaker 2>The emotional capacity is just not even there to even

0:22:55.560 --> 0:22:58.439
<v Speaker 2>address certain arguments. So it's just like, man, I've been

0:22:58.520 --> 0:23:00.560
<v Speaker 2>been stone wall like a bitch because I'm like, listen,

0:23:00.720 --> 0:23:03.160
<v Speaker 2>I just can't. I don't have it in this moment.

0:23:03.280 --> 0:23:06.560
<v Speaker 2>But you understand what's happening and before stand all the

0:23:06.600 --> 0:23:07.960
<v Speaker 2>outside sources.

0:23:07.560 --> 0:23:11.439
<v Speaker 1>So before people say, you know, it's not fair. Like me,

0:23:11.760 --> 0:23:16.000
<v Speaker 1>Matt and Josh have had different relations, different conversations as husbands,

0:23:16.640 --> 0:23:18.680
<v Speaker 1>and we'll be like, you know, does your wife do this? Yeah,

0:23:18.680 --> 0:23:19.960
<v Speaker 1>my wife does that. My wife does And at the

0:23:20.040 --> 0:23:22.840
<v Speaker 1>end of it, it's just like, that's my wife, you

0:23:22.840 --> 0:23:25.520
<v Speaker 1>know what I'm saying, Like I chose her, yeah, and

0:23:25.560 --> 0:23:28.159
<v Speaker 1>that's my wife and that's what she does. So me

0:23:28.200 --> 0:23:29.840
<v Speaker 1>and Josh talking about this last night and we was

0:23:29.840 --> 0:23:32.080
<v Speaker 1>like we just you know, you breathe sometimes and you

0:23:32.119 --> 0:23:34.040
<v Speaker 1>say that's the only person I want to be with

0:23:34.680 --> 0:23:36.720
<v Speaker 1>and is that worth me putting up with? And the

0:23:36.760 --> 0:23:39.160
<v Speaker 1>answer is always yes. And I think that's what people

0:23:39.160 --> 0:23:42.320
<v Speaker 1>need to start having those conversations not be perfect. So

0:23:42.400 --> 0:23:45.200
<v Speaker 1>your partner never feels a trigger. It's just having empathy

0:23:45.240 --> 0:23:47.639
<v Speaker 1>and understanding that people going to be triggered sometimes, Like

0:23:47.680 --> 0:23:50.560
<v Speaker 1>we're humans, we're not robots, And just because a little

0:23:50.560 --> 0:23:52.720
<v Speaker 1>red flag may pop up, don't mean you dismiss a

0:23:52.720 --> 0:23:55.040
<v Speaker 1>person or a situation, you know what I'm saying. It's

0:23:55.040 --> 0:23:58.280
<v Speaker 1>just fighting fear is understanding that that's a human, you know,

0:23:58.359 --> 0:24:01.159
<v Speaker 1>not a prompted AI bot that you expected all of

0:24:01.200 --> 0:24:03.200
<v Speaker 1>the responses to come out perfectly.

0:24:03.640 --> 0:24:03.880
<v Speaker 3>Yeah.

0:24:04.200 --> 0:24:06.480
<v Speaker 6>I've spent a lot of time learning how to fight

0:24:06.720 --> 0:24:11.560
<v Speaker 6>because just I feel like I used to struggle with

0:24:11.600 --> 0:24:14.760
<v Speaker 6>like contempt and defensiveness and then being in a relationship

0:24:14.800 --> 0:24:18.760
<v Speaker 6>that would escalate to physical violence. I had to learn

0:24:18.800 --> 0:24:21.840
<v Speaker 6>how to, like, you know, choose my words carefully and

0:24:22.400 --> 0:24:24.400
<v Speaker 6>when people come to me and say, like they don't

0:24:24.440 --> 0:24:27.240
<v Speaker 6>like what I said, or I have a sensitivity about

0:24:27.280 --> 0:24:30.080
<v Speaker 6>being perceived as mean. So I've always just tried to

0:24:30.080 --> 0:24:33.000
<v Speaker 6>figure out how to communicate better in conflict. And I

0:24:33.080 --> 0:24:36.359
<v Speaker 6>took a class this year, a workshop this year with

0:24:36.400 --> 0:24:40.160
<v Speaker 6>my friend Alta Gracia at the Seventh Space in Newark

0:24:41.080 --> 0:24:43.879
<v Speaker 6>called Conflict Bravery, which kind of teaches you how to

0:24:45.960 --> 0:24:48.520
<v Speaker 6>how to face conflict head on with people that you

0:24:48.560 --> 0:24:51.880
<v Speaker 6>are in a relationship with, whether it is romantic, friendship, family,

0:24:52.520 --> 0:24:56.320
<v Speaker 6>and still come out of that conflict with love intact

0:24:56.359 --> 0:25:00.760
<v Speaker 6>and relationship intact. And one of the content, which is

0:25:00.760 --> 0:25:03.320
<v Speaker 6>something that you're kind of hitting on right now, is

0:25:03.440 --> 0:25:07.879
<v Speaker 6>unconditional positive regard. If you can have unconditional positive regard

0:25:08.000 --> 0:25:12.520
<v Speaker 6>for your partner when you're in conflict, you won't tend

0:25:12.520 --> 0:25:15.000
<v Speaker 6>to take things personal because you know that what they're

0:25:15.000 --> 0:25:17.040
<v Speaker 6>trying to do, they're not trying to attack here as

0:25:17.040 --> 0:25:18.560
<v Speaker 6>a fact, you know what I'm saying. Then you can

0:25:18.560 --> 0:25:21.600
<v Speaker 6>start to consider what else may be happening in that moment,

0:25:21.640 --> 0:25:24.439
<v Speaker 6>and you can keep that conflict kind of contained into

0:25:24.560 --> 0:25:27.240
<v Speaker 6>what it is instead of letting it spill over into

0:25:27.280 --> 0:25:28.400
<v Speaker 6>your whole relationship.

0:25:28.480 --> 0:25:31.000
<v Speaker 1>Yo, I like that one of the biggest conflicts we've

0:25:31.040 --> 0:25:34.000
<v Speaker 1>been dealing with now because the kids are growing, like

0:25:34.040 --> 0:25:37.040
<v Speaker 1>it seems like they're growing exponentially. Parents are getting older,

0:25:37.160 --> 0:25:40.639
<v Speaker 1>so there's more responsibilities on the two of us to

0:25:40.840 --> 0:25:44.199
<v Speaker 1>handle and help everybody's plus businesses are growing, things are happening.

0:25:44.560 --> 0:25:47.879
<v Speaker 1>We argue the most about time we want time with

0:25:47.960 --> 0:25:52.320
<v Speaker 1>each other, and there's some days where we'll be arguing

0:25:52.440 --> 0:25:55.720
<v Speaker 1>and like at at which end, and then I'll just

0:25:55.760 --> 0:25:57.639
<v Speaker 1>be like, yo, just stop for a minute. And then

0:25:57.680 --> 0:25:59.679
<v Speaker 1>she was like, what's so funny, And I'll be like,

0:26:00.400 --> 0:26:04.760
<v Speaker 1>think about what we're arguing about. We are arguing about

0:26:04.800 --> 0:26:08.239
<v Speaker 1>wanting to be with each other more so before we

0:26:08.280 --> 0:26:11.520
<v Speaker 1>get upset at each other. We're not arguing about infidelity.

0:26:11.720 --> 0:26:14.560
<v Speaker 1>We're not arguing about finances. We're not arguing about violence.

0:26:14.600 --> 0:26:17.440
<v Speaker 1>We're not arguing about death. We're arguing about how much

0:26:17.480 --> 0:26:19.760
<v Speaker 1>we love each other and want each other more. You

0:26:19.840 --> 0:26:24.119
<v Speaker 1>know how many marriages are about that they can't find

0:26:24.200 --> 0:26:28.199
<v Speaker 1>time for each other, and they're arguing about who's not

0:26:28.320 --> 0:26:31.160
<v Speaker 1>putting enough effort into making that time. That's what we

0:26:31.160 --> 0:26:34.520
<v Speaker 1>were arguing about, who's not putting enough effort into making

0:26:34.560 --> 0:26:36.960
<v Speaker 1>this work. And then when you sit back and really

0:26:37.040 --> 0:26:40.040
<v Speaker 1>think about that argument, it's a blessing. Yea. You know

0:26:40.080 --> 0:26:42.200
<v Speaker 1>there's a silver lining in that. It's like, I found

0:26:42.200 --> 0:26:45.240
<v Speaker 1>someone who, through all of this bullshit in the world,

0:26:45.680 --> 0:26:48.520
<v Speaker 1>wants to spend time with me, and through all the bullshit,

0:26:48.560 --> 0:26:51.480
<v Speaker 1>I want to spend time with her. That's how I

0:26:51.560 --> 0:26:54.640
<v Speaker 1>keep Kay in a positive regard because I always say

0:26:54.640 --> 0:26:56.399
<v Speaker 1>to her, Babe, I don't think you're doing anything to

0:26:56.560 --> 0:27:00.760
<v Speaker 1>me on purpose. But these things are happening, and can

0:27:00.760 --> 0:27:03.320
<v Speaker 1>we address the fact that these things are happening. And

0:27:03.440 --> 0:27:05.480
<v Speaker 1>as we've gotten older, she's been able to be like,

0:27:05.520 --> 0:27:07.520
<v Speaker 1>you know what, I see what you're saying now, Yeah,

0:27:08.200 --> 0:27:08.879
<v Speaker 1>you can speak on that.

0:27:09.000 --> 0:27:11.720
<v Speaker 2>No, absolutely, I realized sometimes it just boils down to

0:27:11.760 --> 0:27:18.280
<v Speaker 2>time management or prioritizing things differently. And we have had

0:27:18.320 --> 0:27:20.359
<v Speaker 2>a lot of moments like that recently where even I

0:27:20.400 --> 0:27:24.439
<v Speaker 2>had a revelation recently myself where I realized that so

0:27:24.480 --> 0:27:27.880
<v Speaker 2>many things around me were happening but not to me directly,

0:27:28.119 --> 0:27:30.560
<v Speaker 2>and I was sitting in the things happening around me,

0:27:30.920 --> 0:27:34.120
<v Speaker 2>allowing it to impact me and then of course impact

0:27:34.119 --> 0:27:37.040
<v Speaker 2>our relationship. But I'm just like man, when I really

0:27:37.080 --> 0:27:39.359
<v Speaker 2>go down to the basis of things and I boil

0:27:39.400 --> 0:27:43.000
<v Speaker 2>it down to what the root is. Nothing's happening directly

0:27:43.040 --> 0:27:45.120
<v Speaker 2>to me. It's just a matter of how I'm juggling

0:27:45.160 --> 0:27:48.520
<v Speaker 2>these emotions in this time, allowing myself to feel the

0:27:48.560 --> 0:27:51.800
<v Speaker 2>way I feel, asking for the support that I need

0:27:51.840 --> 0:27:54.439
<v Speaker 2>from you, and being honest about how I feel and

0:27:54.440 --> 0:27:57.000
<v Speaker 2>not trying to hold in degree for holding the worry.

0:27:58.240 --> 0:28:00.719
<v Speaker 2>And then you can meet me where I am yes

0:28:00.880 --> 0:28:04.280
<v Speaker 2>and effectively figure out how to help each other through

0:28:04.320 --> 0:28:04.760
<v Speaker 2>this moment.

0:28:05.240 --> 0:28:08.320
<v Speaker 1>Something you said too really stuck with me. You feeling

0:28:08.359 --> 0:28:10.639
<v Speaker 1>safe to be honest about how you feel. We went

0:28:10.720 --> 0:28:13.359
<v Speaker 1>to bathtub two nights ago and I was like, Hey,

0:28:13.720 --> 0:28:17.080
<v Speaker 1>I need you to not worry about my feelings right now.

0:28:17.760 --> 0:28:20.520
<v Speaker 1>Tell me the things that you think I'm doing that

0:28:21.240 --> 0:28:24.760
<v Speaker 1>are bothering you or causing you anxiety. And then she so, well,

0:28:24.800 --> 0:28:27.440
<v Speaker 1>but I said, before you say well, but don't worry

0:28:27.440 --> 0:28:30.320
<v Speaker 1>about my feelings in this moment. Just say it just.

0:28:30.280 --> 0:28:32.600
<v Speaker 2>And that was hard for me because I'm always conditioned

0:28:32.640 --> 0:28:35.040
<v Speaker 2>to make sure that he's okay in the same way

0:28:35.080 --> 0:28:37.800
<v Speaker 2>he's conditioning I'm sure I'm okay. So it's just like, okay.

0:28:37.880 --> 0:28:39.720
<v Speaker 2>I love that we're both taking care of each other.

0:28:39.760 --> 0:28:42.200
<v Speaker 2>But he allowed me to be selfish in that moment

0:28:42.640 --> 0:28:44.880
<v Speaker 2>and just say how I feel and didn't judge me

0:28:44.880 --> 0:28:46.400
<v Speaker 2>for what I was saying either. We talk about that

0:28:46.440 --> 0:28:48.360
<v Speaker 2>all the time as well, like not judging your partner

0:28:48.360 --> 0:28:50.280
<v Speaker 2>for how they feel. And I was like, oh shit,

0:28:50.320 --> 0:28:52.720
<v Speaker 2>look at us exercising our own advice that we give people,

0:28:52.840 --> 0:28:54.440
<v Speaker 2>whether it's in the book or just on the podcast.

0:28:54.520 --> 0:28:57.120
<v Speaker 2>It's like I felt good and I didn't feel judged,

0:28:57.120 --> 0:28:59.840
<v Speaker 2>and Deval didn't then take it and use it against

0:28:59.840 --> 0:29:02.120
<v Speaker 2>me or drag it on further. It was like, yo,

0:29:02.160 --> 0:29:04.360
<v Speaker 2>it stayed in the bathtub, you know what I'm saying,

0:29:04.640 --> 0:29:06.400
<v Speaker 2>and then we were able to adjust thereafter.

0:29:06.640 --> 0:29:09.000
<v Speaker 1>And to be honest, it's not always even back and

0:29:09.040 --> 0:29:11.840
<v Speaker 1>forth because I won't say, you know, I gave her

0:29:11.840 --> 0:29:14.760
<v Speaker 1>that space and she didn't feel judged. But sometimes when

0:29:14.800 --> 0:29:16.600
<v Speaker 1>I give her that, when she gives me that space,

0:29:16.600 --> 0:29:19.000
<v Speaker 1>I do feel judged. But also, when you keep your

0:29:19.000 --> 0:29:20.960
<v Speaker 1>wife in a positive regard, you know that they're not

0:29:21.040 --> 0:29:24.240
<v Speaker 1>judging you because they hate you. She's judging me because

0:29:24.280 --> 0:29:27.600
<v Speaker 1>she feels guilty about what it is. And sometimes then

0:29:27.640 --> 0:29:30.680
<v Speaker 1>the conversation no longer goes to about how I feel,

0:29:31.040 --> 0:29:33.280
<v Speaker 1>but about how she feels about what I said. But

0:29:33.400 --> 0:29:35.360
<v Speaker 1>since I keep her in a positive regard, it's like, yo,

0:29:35.440 --> 0:29:38.160
<v Speaker 1>let's not let's not go back to that cycle. Let's

0:29:38.200 --> 0:29:40.480
<v Speaker 1>just focus on what it is and let's try to

0:29:40.520 --> 0:29:42.760
<v Speaker 1>move forward. And I think it's fear that if we

0:29:42.840 --> 0:29:46.200
<v Speaker 1>understand that it's not even, that's okay too. Everything in

0:29:46.240 --> 0:29:49.240
<v Speaker 1>the marriage is not going to be even. And I've

0:29:49.320 --> 0:29:51.800
<v Speaker 1>accepted that that I love this woman enough, and I

0:29:51.800 --> 0:29:53.600
<v Speaker 1>love her more than anything else. So even when it

0:29:53.640 --> 0:29:56.880
<v Speaker 1>ain't even, and that's what I gotta do, because everything

0:29:56.880 --> 0:29:59.160
<v Speaker 1>ain't even on her side either, Like I ain't had

0:29:59.160 --> 0:30:01.600
<v Speaker 1>to carry no god damn babies. You know what I'm saying,

0:30:01.680 --> 0:30:03.200
<v Speaker 1>That that ain't even you know what I'm saying, I

0:30:03.200 --> 0:30:05.520
<v Speaker 1>don't got to deal with the hormonal stuff. So I

0:30:05.600 --> 0:30:09.120
<v Speaker 1>just think that if we learn to empathize with each

0:30:09.160 --> 0:30:12.400
<v Speaker 1>other and understand that that person really wants the best

0:30:12.400 --> 0:30:15.200
<v Speaker 1>for me, fighting fear is easy because you're not taking

0:30:15.200 --> 0:30:15.640
<v Speaker 1>it personal.

0:30:15.720 --> 0:30:20.959
<v Speaker 6>Yeah, I think as an unlicensed therapist I I'm going

0:30:21.000 --> 0:30:21.760
<v Speaker 6>to talk about.

0:30:25.760 --> 0:30:26.720
<v Speaker 1>I would have seen here.

0:30:27.600 --> 0:30:31.280
<v Speaker 6>Uh. It sounds like both of you really, you know,

0:30:31.400 --> 0:30:34.120
<v Speaker 6>you feel things very deeply, but the way that you

0:30:34.160 --> 0:30:36.640
<v Speaker 6>feel things is different. Like you have a lot of passion,

0:30:36.760 --> 0:30:38.280
<v Speaker 6>you know what I'm saying, and you have a lot

0:30:38.320 --> 0:30:41.719
<v Speaker 6>of empathy. So it seems like when you have conflicts

0:30:41.760 --> 0:30:44.000
<v Speaker 6>sometimes it may be easier for you to get to

0:30:44.040 --> 0:30:46.840
<v Speaker 6>a resolution when you feel what he feels, and it's

0:30:46.880 --> 0:30:49.320
<v Speaker 6>easier for you to bring up a conflict conflict because

0:30:49.360 --> 0:30:51.400
<v Speaker 6>you have so much passion about the relationship.

0:30:51.440 --> 0:30:53.520
<v Speaker 1>Absolutely though, like she literally.

0:30:53.240 --> 0:31:04.000
<v Speaker 8>Just got trouble call trible.

0:31:05.920 --> 0:31:06.560
<v Speaker 3>Yeah, I like.

0:31:06.640 --> 0:31:10.400
<v Speaker 6>That that people pretend to be doctors every day now.

0:31:12.680 --> 0:31:14.360
<v Speaker 1>But you did hit us both on the head there

0:31:14.400 --> 0:31:16.840
<v Speaker 1>because she said that to me. I said, so, you

0:31:16.880 --> 0:31:18.440
<v Speaker 1>know what, I think that is better if I keep

0:31:18.480 --> 0:31:21.640
<v Speaker 1>my opinions to myself. And she literally said to vow,

0:31:21.720 --> 0:31:25.080
<v Speaker 1>you are incapable keeping your hands to yourself, and.

0:31:25.480 --> 0:31:27.840
<v Speaker 2>It described how you laughed out line that because you

0:31:27.880 --> 0:31:31.160
<v Speaker 2>know that you're in case he'll be like, you know what,

0:31:31.200 --> 0:31:33.160
<v Speaker 2>I'm not going to say this. I'm not gonna say that,

0:31:33.200 --> 0:31:34.480
<v Speaker 2>and it could have just been me, it could be

0:31:34.560 --> 0:31:37.400
<v Speaker 2>somebody else, a family member, whatever. I'm not gonna say that.

0:31:37.560 --> 0:31:40.280
<v Speaker 2>I'm gonna let it rock. And I see the naked patience.

0:31:41.320 --> 0:31:44.040
<v Speaker 2>I literally he's like, I'm about to call such and such.

0:31:44.040 --> 0:31:48.640
<v Speaker 2>I'm like you you said you're you are not capable

0:31:48.680 --> 0:31:52.480
<v Speaker 2>of leaving anything.

0:31:53.720 --> 0:31:56.040
<v Speaker 1>That's what happens I'm calling right now.

0:31:56.240 --> 0:31:58.840
<v Speaker 6>But that's why it works, because you compliment each other

0:31:58.880 --> 0:32:01.400
<v Speaker 6>in that way whenever where you're feeling something, you say

0:32:01.520 --> 0:32:04.000
<v Speaker 6>and you're able to jump into action and to like

0:32:04.120 --> 0:32:06.600
<v Speaker 6>help to resolve it because you have the empathy and

0:32:06.600 --> 0:32:08.200
<v Speaker 6>you can feel what he feels and he has the

0:32:08.480 --> 0:32:10.320
<v Speaker 6>you know, the passion that he can get it out.

0:32:10.720 --> 0:32:10.920
<v Speaker 2>Yeah.

0:32:11.040 --> 0:32:13.360
<v Speaker 6>So I feel like that's what makes y'all so complimentary

0:32:13.360 --> 0:32:16.000
<v Speaker 6>to each absolutely, even just outside of conflict.

0:32:16.160 --> 0:32:19.880
<v Speaker 1>Yeah, but this same passion and empathy has been here

0:32:19.880 --> 0:32:22.239
<v Speaker 1>in the first five years of our marriage. It was

0:32:22.360 --> 0:32:24.840
<v Speaker 1>it was well. And I say that so that people

0:32:24.920 --> 0:32:28.400
<v Speaker 1>understand that learning your partner takes time, right, It's not

0:32:28.560 --> 0:32:30.880
<v Speaker 1>we didn't realize that. Yeah, you get married and say

0:32:30.880 --> 0:32:32.560
<v Speaker 1>now we're married, let's go let' learn how to communicate

0:32:32.600 --> 0:32:36.440
<v Speaker 1>effectively tomorrow. That shit don't work. We was, and sometimes

0:32:36.520 --> 0:32:39.479
<v Speaker 1>when we talk about how we used to communicate people

0:32:39.720 --> 0:32:41.240
<v Speaker 1>like people will hear it and be like, oh, they

0:32:41.240 --> 0:32:44.440
<v Speaker 1>were rough, Like, yeah, we were. Most people are rough

0:32:44.440 --> 0:32:46.480
<v Speaker 1>in the very beginning. And then the only reason you

0:32:46.560 --> 0:32:49.200
<v Speaker 1>stay is because you want to be here. Like I

0:32:49.240 --> 0:32:51.080
<v Speaker 1>try to tell people all the time, when we give

0:32:51.080 --> 0:32:53.680
<v Speaker 1>you advice on what works for us, it only works

0:32:53.720 --> 0:32:56.320
<v Speaker 1>because we wanted to be here, not because this advice

0:32:56.480 --> 0:33:00.280
<v Speaker 1>works for everybody. Trure, it only works for us because

0:33:00.320 --> 0:33:03.080
<v Speaker 1>we both want to be right here. So them first

0:33:03.160 --> 0:33:05.840
<v Speaker 1>five years was rough, but again it was worth it.

0:33:05.880 --> 0:33:09.960
<v Speaker 1>Like I do everything I've learned during that time, screaming hollering, cussing,

0:33:10.040 --> 0:33:12.080
<v Speaker 1>being mad. We never left.

0:33:12.280 --> 0:33:14.080
<v Speaker 2>Yeah, I mean you did everything opposite of what I

0:33:14.080 --> 0:33:16.040
<v Speaker 2>would have expected in the very beginning when it came

0:33:16.080 --> 0:33:19.160
<v Speaker 2>to communication only because of my background, Like he was

0:33:19.240 --> 0:33:23.600
<v Speaker 2>tap dancing on my conflict pet peeves every single day.

0:33:23.680 --> 0:33:26.800
<v Speaker 2>I didn't know every single day, And it was just

0:33:26.880 --> 0:33:29.640
<v Speaker 2>I think it was the forwardness that I wasn't accustomed

0:33:29.680 --> 0:33:33.080
<v Speaker 2>to because of my upbringing and like just my family dynamic,

0:33:33.200 --> 0:33:36.200
<v Speaker 2>Like we didn't face conflict head on like that. It's

0:33:36.240 --> 0:33:39.400
<v Speaker 2>kind of like, well it'll blow over to blow over.

0:33:39.480 --> 0:33:41.560
<v Speaker 1>No, No, it wasn't wrong because it's just different.

0:33:41.640 --> 0:33:43.760
<v Speaker 2>It's just different. It's just different. But in the in

0:33:43.800 --> 0:33:46.520
<v Speaker 2>the very beginning, I was just like, you know, you

0:33:46.600 --> 0:33:50.640
<v Speaker 2>were like the Sandman, just like my nigga who has

0:33:50.640 --> 0:33:52.800
<v Speaker 2>a conflict pet peas? Anybody, what are some of your

0:33:52.840 --> 0:33:53.240
<v Speaker 2>pet peeves?

0:33:53.480 --> 0:33:57.120
<v Speaker 6>Yeah, I do. I don't like when people get mean

0:33:57.320 --> 0:33:59.320
<v Speaker 6>or they do say things just for the sake of

0:33:59.360 --> 0:34:02.640
<v Speaker 6>being mean. In conflict, I try my hardest to stick

0:34:02.720 --> 0:34:05.160
<v Speaker 6>to the topic. Let's stick to what we're talking about,

0:34:05.480 --> 0:34:07.480
<v Speaker 6>because as soon as you say something mean, I'm out.

0:34:08.560 --> 0:34:10.279
<v Speaker 6>I'm ready to fight. So and the only thing that

0:34:10.360 --> 0:34:12.520
<v Speaker 6>I can do you know, crash out. True, I'm trying

0:34:12.520 --> 0:34:15.600
<v Speaker 6>to retire her. I got too much to lose. So

0:34:15.640 --> 0:34:17.080
<v Speaker 6>the only thing I can do is block you and

0:34:17.120 --> 0:34:19.080
<v Speaker 6>never speak to you again. And I hate, I hate

0:34:19.160 --> 0:34:20.719
<v Speaker 6>to do that, but I will.

0:34:21.160 --> 0:34:21.399
<v Speaker 1>Yeah.

0:34:21.800 --> 0:34:23.520
<v Speaker 4>So I don't like to argue because it's going gold

0:34:23.560 --> 0:34:25.440
<v Speaker 4>place I don't really want to go. So you know what,

0:34:25.520 --> 0:34:27.480
<v Speaker 4>let's leave this for now. I'll come back with me cool.

0:34:27.560 --> 0:34:30.320
<v Speaker 6>Lets prevail, And I can't hold you in unconditional positive

0:34:30.320 --> 0:34:33.640
<v Speaker 6>regard if I know that you are willing to hurt

0:34:33.680 --> 0:34:38.640
<v Speaker 6>me just because yeah, that's not that's not the kind

0:34:38.640 --> 0:34:39.960
<v Speaker 6>of relationship I want to be in.

0:34:40.280 --> 0:34:43.240
<v Speaker 2>I agree you got any pet pews Josh when it comes.

0:34:43.120 --> 0:34:47.440
<v Speaker 7>To everything said Pete honestly, like not staying on point,

0:34:47.920 --> 0:34:51.960
<v Speaker 7>getting personal and not like not staying on topic and

0:34:52.040 --> 0:34:54.359
<v Speaker 7>what we're talking about, I mean, I want to lose

0:34:54.400 --> 0:34:57.799
<v Speaker 7>it after that, like because are we arguing for the

0:34:57.800 --> 0:35:01.760
<v Speaker 7>sake of arguing or we're just arguing to get somewhere.

0:35:02.080 --> 0:35:03.799
<v Speaker 7>And if you got to call names or you got

0:35:03.840 --> 0:35:05.799
<v Speaker 7>to get personal even just bring up things that are

0:35:06.160 --> 0:35:09.000
<v Speaker 7>completely irrelevant, right, Uh, you sort of lose that. That

0:35:09.080 --> 0:35:12.359
<v Speaker 7>is a pest people of mine. Unfortunately, then I then

0:35:12.560 --> 0:35:15.440
<v Speaker 7>also become somebody else's pet peeve because now I'm like

0:35:15.800 --> 0:35:17.080
<v Speaker 7>angry during the conversation.

0:35:18.800 --> 0:35:22.800
<v Speaker 3>And that's the issue with arguing. It's like it feels

0:35:22.800 --> 0:35:23.600
<v Speaker 3>like there's such an.

0:35:23.520 --> 0:35:27.440
<v Speaker 7>Easy past path to resolution, like in the theory, but

0:35:27.520 --> 0:35:29.719
<v Speaker 7>there's so many especially in a relationship, there's so many

0:35:29.800 --> 0:35:32.480
<v Speaker 7>things and variables and past history and all the stuff

0:35:32.480 --> 0:35:33.960
<v Speaker 7>that can convolute.

0:35:34.080 --> 0:35:37.960
<v Speaker 3>It's like an artery, man, It's like you, yeah, it's

0:35:37.960 --> 0:35:38.719
<v Speaker 3>always build up.

0:35:39.920 --> 0:35:41.440
<v Speaker 2>I just want you say bringing up old stuff too,

0:35:41.440 --> 0:35:42.680
<v Speaker 2>because I was going to say one of my pet

0:35:42.719 --> 0:35:46.160
<v Speaker 2>peeves is like bringing up old ship. But I and

0:35:46.400 --> 0:35:49.200
<v Speaker 2>it's hard because I understand, like you have to reference

0:35:49.239 --> 0:35:52.160
<v Speaker 2>what has happened sometimes in order to like address it

0:35:52.200 --> 0:35:54.440
<v Speaker 2>and then move forward. But think about something that you

0:35:54.480 --> 0:35:56.480
<v Speaker 2>may have gotten over, you know what I'm saying, Like

0:35:56.680 --> 0:36:03.400
<v Speaker 2>you just just for example, somebody somebody got caught texting

0:36:04.000 --> 0:36:07.480
<v Speaker 2>you know, somebody of the opposite sex, and it.

0:36:06.680 --> 0:36:11.719
<v Speaker 1>So before y'all know this is hypothetical, but you know

0:36:11.719 --> 0:36:14.640
<v Speaker 1>how people say, my friend spring No, No, I.

0:36:14.640 --> 0:36:16.880
<v Speaker 2>Really am just like trying to think of something that.

0:36:16.760 --> 0:36:19.799
<v Speaker 6>I wish that would get caught texting somebody. I would

0:36:19.840 --> 0:36:21.480
<v Speaker 6>go back in my phone, like you didn't text me

0:36:21.520 --> 0:36:25.800
<v Speaker 6>back on Horble.

0:36:27.440 --> 0:36:29.200
<v Speaker 1>Stayed here last night and he texted me and out

0:36:29.239 --> 0:36:31.000
<v Speaker 1>and text him back and we watched the whole fucking

0:36:31.000 --> 0:36:32.960
<v Speaker 1>game and I just texted him this morning. Oh, I

0:36:32.960 --> 0:36:35.399
<v Speaker 1>got to respond to this about the clips. I am

0:36:35.440 --> 0:36:36.520
<v Speaker 1>horrible with texting.

0:36:38.239 --> 0:36:44.360
<v Speaker 2>Anxiety, speaking say someone word to like, get caught texting

0:36:44.400 --> 0:36:48.000
<v Speaker 2>somebody else inappropriately, whatever. And then you deal with that

0:36:48.120 --> 0:36:51.000
<v Speaker 2>in that moment, right, you say that you're over it,

0:36:51.400 --> 0:36:52.239
<v Speaker 2>and then we move on.

0:36:53.040 --> 0:36:53.640
<v Speaker 6>And then you.

0:36:53.640 --> 0:36:55.879
<v Speaker 2>Jogged us up a year later and be like, well

0:36:55.880 --> 0:36:58.680
<v Speaker 2>that's why that time when you did, and it's just like, okay,

0:36:58.880 --> 0:37:00.560
<v Speaker 2>did we not agree that we dealt with this and

0:37:00.640 --> 0:37:03.200
<v Speaker 2>we've moved on, and then now you're bringing it up again,

0:37:05.400 --> 0:37:06.319
<v Speaker 2>like you're never letting it go.

0:37:06.480 --> 0:37:08.400
<v Speaker 4>But what if you exhibited some of the same behaviors

0:37:08.520 --> 0:37:08.960
<v Speaker 4>that you would do.

0:37:09.000 --> 0:37:11.080
<v Speaker 1>That's why she hates when I do it. That's why

0:37:11.120 --> 0:37:13.320
<v Speaker 1>she hates when I do it, because what I'm.

0:37:13.120 --> 0:37:15.520
<v Speaker 2>Saying, because you have to reference old things too.

0:37:15.719 --> 0:37:16.680
<v Speaker 6>Right, And I agree.

0:37:16.760 --> 0:37:18.479
<v Speaker 1>I think that's just your pet peebe Like you said,

0:37:18.480 --> 0:37:20.880
<v Speaker 1>accountability used to be hard for you. So it's like

0:37:20.880 --> 0:37:23.320
<v Speaker 1>when you bring up something she wasn't accountable for she

0:37:23.520 --> 0:37:25.120
<v Speaker 1>thinks that I'm trying to attack her.

0:37:25.520 --> 0:37:27.040
<v Speaker 2>I'm trying to be better. So it's like I don't

0:37:27.040 --> 0:37:28.600
<v Speaker 2>want to be reminded every time of all the things

0:37:28.640 --> 0:37:31.200
<v Speaker 2>I did wrong. Like I'm really trying to be better,

0:37:31.280 --> 0:37:32.960
<v Speaker 2>so let me give me a chance to be better.

0:37:32.960 --> 0:37:34.920
<v Speaker 1>You know what I'm saying, right, But also in you

0:37:35.040 --> 0:37:37.640
<v Speaker 1>trying to be better, sometimes the references is that it

0:37:37.719 --> 0:37:39.839
<v Speaker 1>made me feel that way, and it's making me feel

0:37:39.880 --> 0:37:42.080
<v Speaker 1>that way. You get and even though you're trying to

0:37:42.080 --> 0:37:44.960
<v Speaker 1>be better, I have to still live through that, and

0:37:45.239 --> 0:37:47.600
<v Speaker 1>it's a certain amount of patience. And this is they're

0:37:47.680 --> 0:37:50.279
<v Speaker 1>not the analogy I use. If I slap you in

0:37:50.280 --> 0:37:52.279
<v Speaker 1>the face and then I apologize and say I'm trying

0:37:52.320 --> 0:37:53.960
<v Speaker 1>to be better, but then tomorrow I'll slap you in

0:37:54.000 --> 0:37:57.759
<v Speaker 1>the face again and I apologize. You can't say, don't

0:37:57.840 --> 0:38:00.239
<v Speaker 1>you know, don't remind me that I slapped you. Yes, today,

0:38:00.280 --> 0:38:02.120
<v Speaker 1>I got to remind you because you did it before.

0:38:02.160 --> 0:38:03.760
<v Speaker 2>You know what, I'm right or I'm feeling the effects

0:38:03.760 --> 0:38:05.440
<v Speaker 2>of it now. Yeah, That's why I said. It was

0:38:05.480 --> 0:38:07.719
<v Speaker 2>like a two sided thing for me, because sometimes you

0:38:07.760 --> 0:38:10.000
<v Speaker 2>don't you don't want history to repeat itself, so you

0:38:10.080 --> 0:38:12.920
<v Speaker 2>have to reference it, but at the same time, it's like,

0:38:12.960 --> 0:38:14.160
<v Speaker 2>are we gonna keep bringing it up?

0:38:14.200 --> 0:38:15.719
<v Speaker 6>So that was one of my past you know, they

0:38:15.760 --> 0:38:18.960
<v Speaker 6>say the body keeps the score. Sometimes those things that

0:38:19.000 --> 0:38:21.560
<v Speaker 6>happened in the past, they like live in your your

0:38:21.600 --> 0:38:24.440
<v Speaker 6>bones now for sure. And so when certain things come up,

0:38:24.480 --> 0:38:26.640
<v Speaker 6>then you start to feel unsafe, You start to feel

0:38:26.640 --> 0:38:28.719
<v Speaker 6>fight or flight. You start to like go back to

0:38:28.760 --> 0:38:32.120
<v Speaker 6>a previous version of yourself that didn't feel acknowledged or

0:38:32.160 --> 0:38:34.600
<v Speaker 6>safe for whatever it was in a relationship. Because I know,

0:38:35.719 --> 0:38:38.000
<v Speaker 6>ten times out of ten I'm bringing it up, I'm

0:38:38.000 --> 0:38:40.320
<v Speaker 6>bringing it up again. It's coming back around.

0:38:41.320 --> 0:38:42.280
<v Speaker 3>So you know what I'm saying.

0:38:42.920 --> 0:38:44.240
<v Speaker 2>If you don't want to hear.

0:38:44.080 --> 0:38:46.880
<v Speaker 6>It, don't do it. Don't because it's coming the fuck up.

0:38:47.880 --> 0:38:48.160
<v Speaker 2>Lie to you.

0:38:48.560 --> 0:38:50.680
<v Speaker 1>I'm in agreement with that, right, Oh.

0:38:50.640 --> 0:38:52.479
<v Speaker 2>Y'all agreeing on something. I love that for y'all.

0:38:52.680 --> 0:38:55.000
<v Speaker 1>Oh my gosh. This is one thing I'll say. This

0:38:55.080 --> 0:38:56.560
<v Speaker 1>is one thing I'll say about Trouble that I can

0:38:56.640 --> 0:38:57.400
<v Speaker 1>I honestly.

0:38:57.120 --> 0:38:58.320
<v Speaker 2>Appreciate you guys are fair.

0:38:58.560 --> 0:39:01.480
<v Speaker 1>We can we can have a drag out argument and

0:39:01.520 --> 0:39:03.840
<v Speaker 1>be batshit crazy with each other, but I know that

0:39:03.920 --> 0:39:05.719
<v Speaker 1>Trouble wants the best for me, and she knows I

0:39:05.800 --> 0:39:07.920
<v Speaker 1>want the best for her. But that's keeping the person

0:39:07.920 --> 0:39:10.640
<v Speaker 1>in a positive regard. We don't have to agree, that's it.

0:39:10.719 --> 0:39:14.200
<v Speaker 1>One of my pet peeves is that if we disagree,

0:39:14.840 --> 0:39:16.759
<v Speaker 1>now you don't like me and I don't like you. Yeah,

0:39:16.800 --> 0:39:19.120
<v Speaker 1>why do we have to be I don't because our

0:39:19.239 --> 0:39:23.839
<v Speaker 1>ideologies don't always line up. Like, our ideologies are never

0:39:23.960 --> 0:39:26.319
<v Speaker 1>always gonna line up, and we all have to learn

0:39:26.360 --> 0:39:28.120
<v Speaker 1>how to be super mature with saying, you know what,

0:39:28.160 --> 0:39:31.120
<v Speaker 1>that person just thinks differently, not that that person is

0:39:31.120 --> 0:39:33.080
<v Speaker 1>a bad person or it gets to be called the name,

0:39:33.160 --> 0:39:35.560
<v Speaker 1>it's just they think differently. Yeah, there's one pet peeve

0:39:35.600 --> 0:39:35.840
<v Speaker 1>for me.

0:39:35.920 --> 0:39:38.359
<v Speaker 6>It is that that's a really good point. I'm glad

0:39:38.400 --> 0:39:41.799
<v Speaker 6>you brought up us arguing because we often do get

0:39:41.800 --> 0:39:45.200
<v Speaker 6>into knock down, drag out debates where we are just

0:39:45.239 --> 0:39:47.880
<v Speaker 6>like so passionate about our point of view. Yeah, but

0:39:48.320 --> 0:39:51.879
<v Speaker 6>I think that one we always are respectful to each other.

0:39:51.880 --> 0:39:54.799
<v Speaker 6>There's never been a time where I can't we have

0:39:54.920 --> 0:39:57.600
<v Speaker 6>said anything mean to each other or gotten personal or anything.

0:39:57.640 --> 0:39:59.279
<v Speaker 6>We always keep it on topic and we say we

0:39:59.320 --> 0:40:00.640
<v Speaker 6>got to say and then we walk away from a

0:40:00.640 --> 0:40:05.400
<v Speaker 6>situation like okay, actually now I understand more about your perspective,

0:40:05.480 --> 0:40:07.440
<v Speaker 6>or I understand more about you as a person, because

0:40:07.480 --> 0:40:11.239
<v Speaker 6>I definitely understand more about your perspective when certain things

0:40:11.280 --> 0:40:14.279
<v Speaker 6>come up. And just like how as a man you think,

0:40:14.360 --> 0:40:16.680
<v Speaker 6>even if you know some things that we talk about,

0:40:16.680 --> 0:40:18.200
<v Speaker 6>in my head, I'm like the value, you would never

0:40:18.280 --> 0:40:20.480
<v Speaker 6>do that yourself. So why are you even arguing me

0:40:20.520 --> 0:40:24.239
<v Speaker 6>about this? But now I understand your perspective just as

0:40:24.239 --> 0:40:27.320
<v Speaker 6>a man and as a person who believes in fairness.

0:40:27.360 --> 0:40:29.160
<v Speaker 6>You know what I'm saying, and believes in certain things.

0:40:29.200 --> 0:40:32.160
<v Speaker 6>So I feel like we fight right. He might want

0:40:32.160 --> 0:40:33.200
<v Speaker 6>to teach a class on it.

0:40:33.239 --> 0:40:35.320
<v Speaker 1>If we didn't fight right, we wouldn't be able to

0:40:35.320 --> 0:40:35.759
<v Speaker 1>work together.

0:40:35.800 --> 0:40:38.239
<v Speaker 2>For you also care about the relationship, which is back

0:40:38.239 --> 0:40:40.120
<v Speaker 2>to the root of what you're saying. Yeah, you want

0:40:40.160 --> 0:40:41.880
<v Speaker 2>to be together in that sense, and.

0:40:41.680 --> 0:40:44.239
<v Speaker 6>We have an unconditional positive regard for each other. I

0:40:44.280 --> 0:40:47.120
<v Speaker 6>absolutely know in those instances we're not arguing to try

0:40:47.160 --> 0:40:49.120
<v Speaker 6>to hurt each other or because we don't want to listen.

0:40:49.560 --> 0:40:52.080
<v Speaker 6>We're arguing because both of us genuinely think that we

0:40:52.560 --> 0:40:53.120
<v Speaker 6>know everything.

0:40:54.440 --> 0:40:59.040
<v Speaker 1>Absolutely. I honestly believe that I know everything that I know, yeah, exactly,

0:40:59.160 --> 0:41:01.200
<v Speaker 1>And I know what I I know that I don't

0:41:01.239 --> 0:41:03.799
<v Speaker 1>know everything, but I know what I do know, And

0:41:03.840 --> 0:41:05.279
<v Speaker 1>if you're going to change my mind or what I

0:41:05.320 --> 0:41:07.040
<v Speaker 1>do know, you're gonna have to come with some facts.

0:41:07.120 --> 0:41:08.880
<v Speaker 1>That's what I think that that's healthy. Though, how do

0:41:08.920 --> 0:41:12.240
<v Speaker 1>we how do we as people learn about the world

0:41:12.280 --> 0:41:13.600
<v Speaker 1>if we don't learn how to fight?

0:41:13.719 --> 0:41:13.879
<v Speaker 4>Right?

0:41:14.520 --> 0:41:16.920
<v Speaker 1>Like, people shouldn't be allowed to just sit in near

0:41:16.960 --> 0:41:20.160
<v Speaker 1>own thoughts and ideology and not be challenged. We should

0:41:20.239 --> 0:41:22.840
<v Speaker 1>be able to challenge any ideology and be able to

0:41:22.880 --> 0:41:24.480
<v Speaker 1>walk away as a man or a woman and say,

0:41:24.480 --> 0:41:25.680
<v Speaker 1>you know what, I didn't think like that.

0:41:26.160 --> 0:41:28.919
<v Speaker 2>How do you think this pertains to even just like say,

0:41:29.000 --> 0:41:32.400
<v Speaker 2>friendship relationships, right, because Devell and I spoke recently about

0:41:32.880 --> 0:41:37.520
<v Speaker 2>just outgrowing certain friends, certain groups of friends, you know,

0:41:37.640 --> 0:41:40.160
<v Speaker 2>just with time, with mindset, we're just don't have the

0:41:40.160 --> 0:41:43.160
<v Speaker 2>same things in common anymore. So when it comes to

0:41:43.320 --> 0:41:46.200
<v Speaker 2>not necessarily fighting, but just even communicating within those friendships

0:41:46.200 --> 0:41:48.319
<v Speaker 2>and relationships, Like, how do you know when somebody has

0:41:48.960 --> 0:41:51.439
<v Speaker 2>a relationship like that has ran its course or maybe

0:41:51.480 --> 0:41:54.080
<v Speaker 2>there was a fracture in the relationship because of communication

0:41:54.200 --> 0:41:55.759
<v Speaker 2>that just made you feel like, you know what this

0:41:55.800 --> 0:41:58.279
<v Speaker 2>person is not even like on my level anymore when

0:41:58.320 --> 0:41:59.920
<v Speaker 2>it comes to communication, how do you know when to

0:42:00.040 --> 0:42:03.160
<v Speaker 2>walk away from relationships like that? More friendship and family

0:42:03.200 --> 0:42:03.800
<v Speaker 2>type ones.

0:42:04.800 --> 0:42:07.840
<v Speaker 6>Yeah, I had a friend who I was friends with

0:42:07.880 --> 0:42:11.879
<v Speaker 6>for a very long time, and uh, we got into

0:42:11.920 --> 0:42:15.680
<v Speaker 6>an argument that seemingly was like not about anything in

0:42:15.760 --> 0:42:18.480
<v Speaker 6>my head, Like I said that I was going to

0:42:18.520 --> 0:42:21.799
<v Speaker 6>a class or yeah, like a workout class, and she

0:42:21.920 --> 0:42:24.480
<v Speaker 6>mentioned like a gem that I never said, and I'm like,

0:42:24.480 --> 0:42:27.160
<v Speaker 6>why would you think that, Like I've never mentioned that before.

0:42:27.239 --> 0:42:29.200
<v Speaker 6>And then she was like, you're a bully. I'm like

0:42:29.239 --> 0:42:31.960
<v Speaker 6>a bully and she would like and we were on

0:42:32.000 --> 0:42:34.759
<v Speaker 6>the phone and she was just like going off so

0:42:35.040 --> 0:42:36.480
<v Speaker 6>bad that I had to be like, I'm gonna call

0:42:36.520 --> 0:42:38.480
<v Speaker 6>you back. I'm not about to argue with you. And

0:42:38.520 --> 0:42:40.920
<v Speaker 6>I can't even we can't talk like adults. So I

0:42:41.000 --> 0:42:42.960
<v Speaker 6>hung up the phone. And then she started texting me,

0:42:45.120 --> 0:42:47.160
<v Speaker 6>you know yeah, and then so I'm like, well, if

0:42:47.200 --> 0:42:49.080
<v Speaker 6>you think I'm a bully, you can't be friends. I

0:42:49.080 --> 0:42:51.279
<v Speaker 6>don't think i'm a bully, and so I can't change it,

0:42:51.320 --> 0:42:53.480
<v Speaker 6>and you can't be friends with your bully, sweetie. And

0:42:53.520 --> 0:42:55.080
<v Speaker 6>I blocked her and I never talked to her again.

0:42:55.719 --> 0:42:59.799
<v Speaker 6>But I found out later that she wasn't even mad

0:42:59.840 --> 0:43:01.919
<v Speaker 6>of it, that she was mad about something else because

0:43:01.960 --> 0:43:05.600
<v Speaker 6>I set a boundary with her that she didn't respect.

0:43:05.800 --> 0:43:09.279
<v Speaker 6>And then it became like clear to me that this

0:43:09.360 --> 0:43:12.759
<v Speaker 6>person is not able to respect my boundaries period. They

0:43:12.760 --> 0:43:15.560
<v Speaker 6>don't have any intention on ever respecting any boundary that

0:43:15.600 --> 0:43:18.160
<v Speaker 6>I set. And I don't want to be friends with

0:43:18.200 --> 0:43:21.000
<v Speaker 6>that type of person who thinks that they can trample

0:43:21.040 --> 0:43:23.680
<v Speaker 6>over my boundaries. That is actually what a bully is,

0:43:24.160 --> 0:43:26.600
<v Speaker 6>you know, And anybody that's going to try to convince

0:43:26.680 --> 0:43:29.600
<v Speaker 6>you that you are a bad person or try to

0:43:29.600 --> 0:43:32.319
<v Speaker 6>come after your character because they don't want to honor

0:43:32.400 --> 0:43:34.840
<v Speaker 6>a boundary that you set, it's not somebody that you

0:43:34.880 --> 0:43:35.960
<v Speaker 6>want to be in a relationship with.

0:43:36.080 --> 0:43:40.880
<v Speaker 1>Yeah, I agree, it's simple for me. You gotta want

0:43:40.920 --> 0:43:42.399
<v Speaker 1>to be here as much as I want to be here,

0:43:43.440 --> 0:43:45.200
<v Speaker 1>you know, and put forth the effort. That doesn't mean

0:43:45.239 --> 0:43:47.879
<v Speaker 1>you got to be perfect. You know, me and Josh

0:43:47.920 --> 0:43:50.880
<v Speaker 1>have had our arguments and disagreements, but I love Josh.

0:43:50.960 --> 0:43:53.560
<v Speaker 1>I know Josh loves me like we gonna. Sometimes we

0:43:53.640 --> 0:43:57.440
<v Speaker 1>have disagreements, but that's just all it is. You know,

0:43:57.520 --> 0:44:00.400
<v Speaker 1>it can never get personal once it gets personal like me,

0:44:00.480 --> 0:44:02.680
<v Speaker 1>I don't funk with then now it's like WHOA, how

0:44:02.800 --> 0:44:06.839
<v Speaker 1>we get there? We we're arguing about pictures or are

0:44:06.840 --> 0:44:09.920
<v Speaker 1>we arguing about dinner? And now it's an anger? No,

0:44:10.160 --> 0:44:13.840
<v Speaker 1>that's that means there's something deeper there. And at forty

0:44:14.200 --> 0:44:18.600
<v Speaker 1>years old, I'm not interested in being anyone's therapist. So

0:44:18.640 --> 0:44:20.920
<v Speaker 1>it's like, Yo, if I cause you that much trauma,

0:44:21.800 --> 0:44:24.439
<v Speaker 1>I'll backwass on me. I have friends in college that

0:44:24.440 --> 0:44:26.720
<v Speaker 1>that's like that now that I keep a distance because, Hey,

0:44:26.920 --> 0:44:28.680
<v Speaker 1>if I cause you trauma because of the way I

0:44:28.680 --> 0:44:30.319
<v Speaker 1>am and I don't think I'm doing anything wrong, I'll

0:44:30.320 --> 0:44:31.680
<v Speaker 1>do you a favor and I'll stay away.

0:44:31.800 --> 0:44:34.400
<v Speaker 6>Yeah, are you true? That's very true?

0:44:34.440 --> 0:44:37.359
<v Speaker 2>I love that. All Right, this is a really nice

0:44:37.360 --> 0:44:40.160
<v Speaker 2>little conversation. I hope you guys got some tips and

0:44:40.840 --> 0:44:43.440
<v Speaker 2>tidbits from this, because if the relationship is worth it,

0:44:43.480 --> 0:44:44.960
<v Speaker 2>if it makes sense for you, if it's something that

0:44:45.000 --> 0:44:48.200
<v Speaker 2>you want to continue to partake in, I think this

0:44:48.280 --> 0:44:50.160
<v Speaker 2>is These are some of the steps that you can

0:44:50.200 --> 0:44:55.319
<v Speaker 2>definitely take to keep that relationship thriving and growing. All right, Well,

0:44:55.320 --> 0:44:57.480
<v Speaker 2>we want to continue to thrive and grow, pay some

0:44:57.520 --> 0:45:01.720
<v Speaker 2>bills and we'll be back with our Listener Letter episode

0:45:01.760 --> 0:45:03.640
<v Speaker 2>of the day, So stick around, we'll be right back.

0:45:17.400 --> 0:45:19.520
<v Speaker 2>All right, and we're back. Let me dive right into

0:45:19.560 --> 0:45:23.000
<v Speaker 2>this listener letter for today. Dear Kadeen and Deval, I'd

0:45:23.000 --> 0:45:26.200
<v Speaker 2>love your perspective on something. My boyfriend has a female

0:45:26.200 --> 0:45:30.040
<v Speaker 2>friend he's had passed flirtation with before we got together.

0:45:30.640 --> 0:45:33.520
<v Speaker 2>Since we've been dating, I haven't seen anything suspicious, but

0:45:33.800 --> 0:45:35.680
<v Speaker 2>they still check in with each other from time to

0:45:35.719 --> 0:45:38.080
<v Speaker 2>time via text or phone call, and he's told me

0:45:38.080 --> 0:45:40.880
<v Speaker 2>that they're simply just friends. On Mother's Day, he wished

0:45:40.880 --> 0:45:43.560
<v Speaker 2>her well and she replied thank you with the little

0:45:43.800 --> 0:45:47.719
<v Speaker 2>heart emoji. I told him the situation makes me uncomfortable

0:45:47.719 --> 0:45:50.560
<v Speaker 2>and asked if he could distance himself from that friendship

0:45:50.600 --> 0:45:53.120
<v Speaker 2>out of respect for our relationship. He told me he

0:45:53.160 --> 0:45:55.480
<v Speaker 2>wouldn't cut her off and that he's not choosing me

0:45:55.800 --> 0:45:59.759
<v Speaker 2>or her, and was even willing to end our relationship

0:45:59.800 --> 0:46:03.520
<v Speaker 2>if it came to it. My question is, how do

0:46:03.560 --> 0:46:07.439
<v Speaker 2>you balance respecting your partner's feelings with maintaining long term

0:46:07.480 --> 0:46:10.879
<v Speaker 2>friendships with people you've had past flirtation or dealings with,

0:46:11.520 --> 0:46:14.040
<v Speaker 2>And in a situation like this, is my discomfort something

0:46:14.080 --> 0:46:16.799
<v Speaker 2>he should take more seriously or is that something I

0:46:16.840 --> 0:46:20.840
<v Speaker 2>need to work on through my own Yes, girl, that's you.

0:46:20.840 --> 0:46:23.359
<v Speaker 6>You were insecure.

0:46:23.800 --> 0:46:28.799
<v Speaker 2>Is not his responsibility to make you secure. You have

0:46:28.880 --> 0:46:32.160
<v Speaker 2>to be secure within yourself as first personally, I didn't

0:46:32.160 --> 0:46:34.319
<v Speaker 2>see anything wrong here. Thank you with the little heart thing.

0:46:35.480 --> 0:46:38.840
<v Speaker 2>People use emojis all the time. I think your insecurity

0:46:38.880 --> 0:46:41.359
<v Speaker 2>is probably allowing you to read into this a bit

0:46:41.400 --> 0:46:46.719
<v Speaker 2>more than it is. And if he is like what

0:46:46.840 --> 0:46:48.480
<v Speaker 2>I think most guys would be like, or deval has

0:46:48.480 --> 0:46:50.319
<v Speaker 2>actually been like this in the very very past, because

0:46:50.320 --> 0:46:52.200
<v Speaker 2>I mean this is twenty three years in. I think

0:46:52.200 --> 0:46:54.400
<v Speaker 2>there's been a girl or two where I was just like, well,

0:46:54.400 --> 0:46:57.719
<v Speaker 2>what's going on with y'all? And I would pretty much

0:46:57.760 --> 0:47:01.040
<v Speaker 2>try to demand that he not speaks to this person anymore,

0:47:01.320 --> 0:47:03.959
<v Speaker 2>and that in turn made him further want to speak

0:47:03.960 --> 0:47:06.960
<v Speaker 2>to this person more. So, sometimes just putting that restraint

0:47:07.000 --> 0:47:10.879
<v Speaker 2>on someone or giving them an ultimatum is already off

0:47:10.880 --> 0:47:13.239
<v Speaker 2>putting in itself, and they're going to probably want to

0:47:13.320 --> 0:47:15.600
<v Speaker 2>just double down on that just for the sake of

0:47:15.640 --> 0:47:17.840
<v Speaker 2>doing it. And then it becomes an issue of doubling

0:47:17.840 --> 0:47:19.680
<v Speaker 2>down on the ultimatum and not even what the root

0:47:19.719 --> 0:47:22.160
<v Speaker 2>cause was, which is your discomfort with this friendship.

0:47:22.480 --> 0:47:25.279
<v Speaker 1>So absolutely true. And some people just don't want to

0:47:25.320 --> 0:47:28.319
<v Speaker 1>be controlled me for example, I don't want to be controlled, yeah,

0:47:28.320 --> 0:47:30.439
<v Speaker 1>And I don't want to control you. I don't want

0:47:30.440 --> 0:47:32.239
<v Speaker 1>to have to go through your phone and say don't

0:47:32.239 --> 0:47:34.120
<v Speaker 1>talk to him and him and him and her and him,

0:47:34.400 --> 0:47:36.120
<v Speaker 1>Because if that's the case, then what are we really

0:47:36.160 --> 0:47:39.200
<v Speaker 1>doing here. I want you to choose the things that

0:47:39.280 --> 0:47:41.399
<v Speaker 1>you feel would be comfortable for me on your own.

0:47:41.960 --> 0:47:44.080
<v Speaker 1>That's how we know we're in this together. If I

0:47:44.080 --> 0:47:46.759
<v Speaker 1>got to tell you and demand things, then I'm more

0:47:46.800 --> 0:47:49.080
<v Speaker 1>like a warden, not a partner for sure. And I'm

0:47:49.080 --> 0:47:49.520
<v Speaker 1>not with that.

0:47:49.600 --> 0:47:51.920
<v Speaker 2>Yeah, you even said you haven't seen anything suspicious. They

0:47:52.000 --> 0:47:54.000
<v Speaker 2>check it from time to time phone call of text.

0:47:54.480 --> 0:47:56.160
<v Speaker 2>To me, it gives your checking it on a friend

0:47:56.280 --> 0:47:58.560
<v Speaker 2>even if there was something flirtatious in the past. If

0:47:58.600 --> 0:48:00.279
<v Speaker 2>he's not acting on it, she's not acting on it,

0:48:00.320 --> 0:48:04.399
<v Speaker 2>you don't have anything tangible that's showing any kind of disrespect.

0:48:05.320 --> 0:48:07.080
<v Speaker 2>I think that might be more of a you problem.

0:48:07.400 --> 0:48:10.799
<v Speaker 1>Also, the truth is people can have flirtations in the

0:48:10.840 --> 0:48:14.240
<v Speaker 1>past with people. When you meet someone that's your one,

0:48:14.800 --> 0:48:18.720
<v Speaker 1>all those other things don't don't matter. There there are women,

0:48:18.920 --> 0:48:21.520
<v Speaker 1>and are women who I'm still attracted to who I'm like,

0:48:21.560 --> 0:48:24.520
<v Speaker 1>watch a beautiful woman, but will never get my attention

0:48:24.600 --> 0:48:25.359
<v Speaker 1>away from my wife.

0:48:25.440 --> 0:48:26.640
<v Speaker 2>It's just acting with men, you.

0:48:26.640 --> 0:48:27.200
<v Speaker 1>Know what I'm saying.

0:48:27.200 --> 0:48:29.440
<v Speaker 2>They always say you're not married, You just married, you not.

0:48:29.520 --> 0:48:33.080
<v Speaker 1>Did like you can't expect that just to go away.

0:48:33.120 --> 0:48:35.239
<v Speaker 1>It's immature as young as you know what I'm saying,

0:48:35.280 --> 0:48:37.759
<v Speaker 1>and it takes time to get through that for sure,

0:48:37.800 --> 0:48:39.520
<v Speaker 1>because you and I have went through that thing early on, and.

0:48:40.120 --> 0:48:42.640
<v Speaker 2>I wonder how they are. Sounds like a young, young

0:48:42.840 --> 0:48:46.600
<v Speaker 2>young person went through that problem, you.

0:48:46.560 --> 0:48:48.200
<v Speaker 1>Know what I'm saying. That hasn't been a problem for

0:48:48.320 --> 0:48:51.239
<v Speaker 1>us and a long but in college, nineteen year old

0:48:51.280 --> 0:48:53.080
<v Speaker 1>delver there right?

0:48:53.280 --> 0:48:56.120
<v Speaker 2>Why are you looking at you your Facebook messages?

0:48:56.239 --> 0:48:59.239
<v Speaker 1>You know? My nigga's looking at you all the time

0:48:59.520 --> 0:49:02.040
<v Speaker 1>because they what do you expect them to do?

0:49:02.160 --> 0:49:02.279
<v Speaker 6>Now?

0:49:02.320 --> 0:49:04.720
<v Speaker 1>I look the other way. It's like the most imagoy.

0:49:05.120 --> 0:49:06.040
<v Speaker 4>I can't stand that.

0:49:07.719 --> 0:49:07.920
<v Speaker 5>It is.

0:49:08.920 --> 0:49:12.880
<v Speaker 6>It feels more important to be trying to cultivate a

0:49:12.920 --> 0:49:16.640
<v Speaker 6>relationship with a man you can trust and cultivate trust

0:49:16.640 --> 0:49:20.160
<v Speaker 6>between you. Trust isn't something that is automatic. It is

0:49:20.200 --> 0:49:23.919
<v Speaker 6>something that builds over time through small efforts. I think

0:49:24.320 --> 0:49:27.839
<v Speaker 6>Brene Brown maybe she said that trust is like it's

0:49:27.880 --> 0:49:31.120
<v Speaker 6>like having a jar and every time somebody does something

0:49:31.760 --> 0:49:35.120
<v Speaker 6>that like kind of builds trust with you, they like

0:49:35.239 --> 0:49:37.760
<v Speaker 6>put a deposit into the jar. That's how you build

0:49:37.840 --> 0:49:40.920
<v Speaker 6>trust with somebody. And so one I don't I feel

0:49:40.920 --> 0:49:44.839
<v Speaker 6>like her trust from him is fractured because of her

0:49:44.880 --> 0:49:48.360
<v Speaker 6>own insecurities, and his trust from her is fractured because

0:49:48.400 --> 0:49:52.160
<v Speaker 6>of her own. So you gotta freaking work on that.

0:49:52.280 --> 0:49:56.880
<v Speaker 6>And personally, if a girl that I like is like

0:49:57.040 --> 0:49:59.719
<v Speaker 6>even dating somebody else, like we're casually dating, but I

0:49:59.800 --> 0:50:02.680
<v Speaker 6>like her, I'm stepping my game all the way up.

0:50:02.960 --> 0:50:03.680
<v Speaker 6>You know what I'm saying.

0:50:03.800 --> 0:50:04.560
<v Speaker 1>You're gonna choose me?

0:50:04.680 --> 0:50:10.480
<v Speaker 2>Yeah, to the top right period, like that, watching that

0:50:11.000 --> 0:50:11.520
<v Speaker 2>block that.

0:50:11.640 --> 0:50:13.440
<v Speaker 6>Yeah black, you don't even got a black R right now,

0:50:13.480 --> 0:50:14.120
<v Speaker 6>but you will?

0:50:14.360 --> 0:50:14.759
<v Speaker 3>You will?

0:50:14.880 --> 0:50:16.200
<v Speaker 6>You will, don't you want to?

0:50:16.520 --> 0:50:19.240
<v Speaker 1>Yeah, that's that's exactly.

0:50:19.000 --> 0:50:21.399
<v Speaker 2>That's exactly how I felt. I was just like, oh, yeah,

0:50:22.000 --> 0:50:24.800
<v Speaker 2>you want to send a little text. You think you're cute, Okay,

0:50:24.800 --> 0:50:25.760
<v Speaker 2>I'm gonna show you cute.

0:50:25.840 --> 0:50:28.439
<v Speaker 1>One thing I will say, I doubled down, like hell,

0:50:28.560 --> 0:50:31.640
<v Speaker 1>when we first met, I was dating somebody else. Condeen

0:50:31.680 --> 0:50:33.560
<v Speaker 1>adin't give me no ultimatum. She was just like, yo,

0:50:34.280 --> 0:50:36.040
<v Speaker 1>I don't want to be nobody's number two. You could

0:50:36.040 --> 0:50:38.160
<v Speaker 1>do what you want to do. I'm out out and

0:50:38.200 --> 0:50:43.640
<v Speaker 1>I was like, you know what I'm saying. But it

0:50:43.760 --> 0:50:46.120
<v Speaker 1>wasn't no text messages and phone calls are you going to?

0:50:46.200 --> 0:50:48.840
<v Speaker 1>It was just like this, either you choose me or

0:50:48.840 --> 0:50:49.240
<v Speaker 1>you don't.

0:50:49.400 --> 0:50:51.400
<v Speaker 2>Yeah, it's just what it was. You know, it was unexpected.

0:50:51.440 --> 0:50:53.000
<v Speaker 2>We didn't expect to end up like this, but it

0:50:53.040 --> 0:50:54.840
<v Speaker 2>was just like, yo, and I know I was catching

0:50:54.880 --> 0:50:57.160
<v Speaker 2>some feelings feelings, so I'm like, Okay, before I get

0:50:57.160 --> 0:51:00.000
<v Speaker 2>too deep in this, I'm about to because I wasn't

0:51:00.040 --> 0:51:02.319
<v Speaker 2>about to tell him go break things off or you know,

0:51:02.400 --> 0:51:05.080
<v Speaker 2>if you were in limbo, I can't be the decision

0:51:05.239 --> 0:51:07.960
<v Speaker 2>maker or the factor. So I just removed myself from it.

0:51:08.040 --> 0:51:10.840
<v Speaker 1>And I will say this, you never had any jealous

0:51:11.040 --> 0:51:14.439
<v Speaker 1>jealousy towards that person or any of my exits after that. Now.

0:51:14.480 --> 0:51:16.560
<v Speaker 1>She was never a bitch. She was never like I

0:51:16.640 --> 0:51:19.520
<v Speaker 1>want this. She never was like that. No, So I mean,

0:51:20.560 --> 0:51:22.719
<v Speaker 1>I guess some women are capable of just being like

0:51:22.760 --> 0:51:24.920
<v Speaker 1>blinders to other women and saying, let me focus on

0:51:24.960 --> 0:51:26.520
<v Speaker 1>my partner because this. You know, a lot of people

0:51:26.560 --> 0:51:28.840
<v Speaker 1>say that that's not possible, but people can do that

0:51:28.880 --> 0:51:31.200
<v Speaker 1>because you know, they say men are jealous and no

0:51:31.320 --> 0:51:33.720
<v Speaker 1>man is going to want their girlfriend to have male friends.

0:51:33.760 --> 0:51:35.600
<v Speaker 1>But you have male friends that you've had since high

0:51:35.600 --> 0:51:37.880
<v Speaker 1>school that I don't. It's never been a thing.

0:51:37.760 --> 0:51:41.600
<v Speaker 2>For me, absolutely, you know, absolutely, all right, hope you

0:51:41.600 --> 0:51:42.080
<v Speaker 2>figure it out.

0:51:42.120 --> 0:51:42.319
<v Speaker 3>Boo.

0:51:42.520 --> 0:51:45.440
<v Speaker 2>Come on, I don't lose a good man because of insecurities,

0:51:45.560 --> 0:51:48.560
<v Speaker 2>So definitely try to self reflect and work on that.

0:51:48.840 --> 0:51:49.120
<v Speaker 3>All right.

0:51:49.160 --> 0:51:50.759
<v Speaker 2>If you want to be featured as a listener letter

0:51:50.800 --> 0:51:53.840
<v Speaker 2>in a future episode, please email us at the Ellis

0:51:53.960 --> 0:51:56.239
<v Speaker 2>Advice at gmail dot com.

0:51:56.320 --> 0:51:58.600
<v Speaker 1>That's th H E E L L I S A

0:51:58.760 --> 0:52:01.600
<v Speaker 1>d V I C E at gmail dot com.

0:52:02.920 --> 0:52:05.399
<v Speaker 2>All right, time for the moment of truth. We're talking

0:52:05.440 --> 0:52:07.720
<v Speaker 2>about fighting right, not fighting wrong.

0:52:09.000 --> 0:52:11.240
<v Speaker 1>I got an easy one. If you find a reason

0:52:11.280 --> 0:52:13.800
<v Speaker 1>to fight, and that reason is because you want to

0:52:13.840 --> 0:52:16.160
<v Speaker 1>be there, you will always fight right. So make sure

0:52:16.160 --> 0:52:17.400
<v Speaker 1>you're fighting for the right reasons.

0:52:17.640 --> 0:52:19.000
<v Speaker 2>I love that. That's a good one.

0:52:19.320 --> 0:52:22.000
<v Speaker 7>And mine is if you find something that you don't

0:52:22.000 --> 0:52:24.040
<v Speaker 7>want to be with. There's never a wrong reason or

0:52:24.360 --> 0:52:25.239
<v Speaker 7>way to fight wrong.

0:52:26.000 --> 0:52:36.560
<v Speaker 9>Fight fight, fight, No, I don't have a I don't

0:52:36.600 --> 0:52:37.279
<v Speaker 9>have a moment of truth.

0:52:37.280 --> 0:52:37.920
<v Speaker 3>I think gives a spot.

0:52:37.960 --> 0:52:38.319
<v Speaker 4>Don't do that.

0:52:38.520 --> 0:52:39.960
<v Speaker 1>But he wants to steal mine, but he don't want

0:52:39.960 --> 0:52:42.200
<v Speaker 1>to say, because I'm just stealing his all the time,

0:52:43.960 --> 0:52:44.640
<v Speaker 1>You're still mine.

0:52:45.800 --> 0:52:47.440
<v Speaker 4>Moment of truth knocked that posty out like it's fight.

0:52:49.800 --> 0:52:50.359
<v Speaker 1>I love that.

0:52:50.440 --> 0:52:55.080
<v Speaker 6>I was definitely gonna say that. I was literally gonna

0:52:55.120 --> 0:52:56.239
<v Speaker 6>say that exactly.

0:52:57.320 --> 0:53:00.880
<v Speaker 1>Josh each other each other.

0:53:02.280 --> 0:53:03.760
<v Speaker 4>First.

0:53:04.960 --> 0:53:09.799
<v Speaker 6>But my moment of truth is understanding should be the

0:53:09.880 --> 0:53:16.200
<v Speaker 6>goal in conflict, not winning, not hurting, just understanding.

0:53:16.400 --> 0:53:19.719
<v Speaker 2>Absolutely like that. Absolutely. I guess I'll just round it

0:53:19.719 --> 0:53:22.120
<v Speaker 2>out by saying, find somebody worth fighting for. You know

0:53:22.120 --> 0:53:24.799
<v Speaker 2>what I'm saying, Like, find somebody worth fighting for. If

0:53:24.840 --> 0:53:27.839
<v Speaker 2>you feel like you don't want to fight, Yeah, even

0:53:27.880 --> 0:53:29.759
<v Speaker 2>through the good, through the bad, through the ups, through

0:53:29.760 --> 0:53:32.279
<v Speaker 2>the downs, through the randoms that come your way, then

0:53:32.280 --> 0:53:37.200
<v Speaker 2>that might not be the person for you. Intent. All right, y'all,

0:53:37.239 --> 0:53:39.680
<v Speaker 2>be sure to find us on Patreon. That's where like

0:53:39.719 --> 0:53:41.600
<v Speaker 2>all the fun happens. I don't know if anybody's been

0:53:41.600 --> 0:53:44.839
<v Speaker 2>watching Patreon, shout out to y'all, Gang Gang. That's where

0:53:44.880 --> 0:53:48.200
<v Speaker 2>the after show is, as well as more exclusive Ellis

0:53:48.200 --> 0:53:50.799
<v Speaker 2>Family content. You know love us down. We've been ripping

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<v Speaker 2>and running with these boys, honey all the time. And

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<v Speaker 2>you can find us on social media. Ellis ever After.

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<v Speaker 2>Then you can find me at Kadeen.

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<v Speaker 1>I am and you can find me and I am Daval,

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<v Speaker 1>I'm on the score on Matt dot Ellis, and I'm

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<v Speaker 1>Josha Underscored Dwane.

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<v Speaker 6>I'm at Tribs The Cool t ri I b b

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<v Speaker 6>Z the Cool on Everything.

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<v Speaker 1>And if you're listening on Apple podcast, be sure to rate,

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<v Speaker 1>review a subscribe.

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<v Speaker 2>And download Baby a Friend, Tell a Friend god.

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<v Speaker 6>Ellis ever After is an iHeartMedia podcast. It's hosted by

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<v Speaker 6>Kadeen and Deval Ellis. It's produced by Triple Video, Production

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<v Speaker 6>by Joshua Dwyane and Matthew Ellis, video editing by Lashan Roe.

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<v Speaker 6>Tuk Bad Tuk

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<v Speaker 7>Bad Talk