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Speaker 1: The key to survival, the actually the counter intuitive approach.

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Speaker 2: You hear it right, counter sold everywhere you get books,

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Speaker 2: you get books. We over me.

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Speaker 1: There you go. The counter intuitive approach to actually getting

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Speaker 1: your point across is listening first.

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Speaker 2: But two ears, both of them, all, both of them. Yes,

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Speaker 2: I like that. I like that. For me, I'm gonna

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Speaker 2: just I still have moments where I just I just

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Speaker 2: do want to fight. You know what I'm saying. I

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Speaker 2: just want to go back and forth what I be

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Speaker 2: going through. You know what I'm saying. I just want

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Speaker 2: to jog up a little beef, just for no reason.

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Speaker 3: I'm glad.

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Speaker 2: You know you know what happens after the fight.

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Speaker 1: Not dead ass, Live ass, dead Ass. It all started

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Speaker 1: with real talk, unfiltered, honest and straight from the heart.

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Speaker 1: Since then, we've gone on to become Weibby Award winning

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Speaker 1: podcasters in New York Times best selling authors.

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Speaker 2: Dead Ass was more than a podcast for us. It

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Speaker 2: was about our growth, a place where we could be vulnerable.

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Speaker 1: Be raw, or but most apportantly be us.

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Speaker 2: But as we know, life keeps evolving, and so do we,

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Speaker 2: and through it all, one thing has never changed. This

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Speaker 2: is ever after. Because we got a lot to talk about.

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Speaker 4: Yo.

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Speaker 1: All right, So first of all, I just want to

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Speaker 1: I just wanted to shout you out for admitting that

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Speaker 1: you just love to fight sometimes.

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Speaker 3: I do.

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Speaker 2: You know what I'm saying. It's a Sagittarius and me.

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Speaker 2: You say we'd be a little spontaneous. You know, we're

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Speaker 2: like a little spontanety.

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Speaker 1: Sometimes I'd be wondering what's going on, But now I.

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Speaker 2: Know it's how it be.

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Speaker 1: You know, we tried to blame the horm No.

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Speaker 2: Yes, I'm feeling a little spicy. Go my little ed

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Speaker 2: and a bobbin. I forgot my glasses today.

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Speaker 1: Job.

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Speaker 2: You know what I'm saying, my bamboo Areasney. Sometimes I'm

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Speaker 2: feeling a little like, you know, very Brooklyn, very much

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Speaker 2: like let's fight. Let's tussle a.

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Speaker 1: Little bit, y'all see what I go through. Pray for me,

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Speaker 1: Pray for me.

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Speaker 2: We keep a spicy over here.

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Speaker 3: Okay.

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Speaker 1: The funny thing is the story time that I'm stelling

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Speaker 1: today isn't about an argument between you and I for

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Speaker 1: once and for once, right, So it's actually very very different,

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Speaker 1: But it is talking about interpersonal communication. Last summer I

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Speaker 1: hired a consultant, as you guys know now, hopefully you've

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Speaker 1: been to vintage vine and spirits. But I started a business. Right,

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Speaker 1: go ahead, go ahead, breaking mortar, breaking mortar.

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Speaker 2: Yes for your wines, your spirits, this time a little elevated,

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Speaker 2: you know, establishment, if you will.

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Speaker 1: Allgated elevated tipsiness is what I like to you?

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Speaker 5: Like that drink responsibly? Yes, please always drink response responsibly.

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Speaker 5: But I knew nothing about this business, and I saw

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Speaker 5: an opportunity to own a break and mortar, so I

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Speaker 5: took that opportunity, and I had nothing.

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Speaker 1: I knew nothing about it. I wasn't an expert, so

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Speaker 1: what I did was hire an expert that knew exactly

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Speaker 1: what he was doing. And what I found myself was

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Speaker 1: trying to tell the expert that I hired and made

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Speaker 1: a lot of money to how I wanted the business run.

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Speaker 1: And it took about six months of debates and arguments

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Speaker 1: back and forth before I had to kind of swallow

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Speaker 1: my pride and realize that I didn't know shit about

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Speaker 1: what I was talking about. And I was more concerned

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Speaker 1: about proving that I knew what I was doing rather

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Speaker 1: than just letting him what I paid him for. So

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Speaker 1: I started just listening and understand his perspective so that

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Speaker 1: I could say, oh, rather than trying to defend why

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Speaker 1: that wouldn't work, just listen to it for sure. And

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Speaker 1: after a couple months, I was like, Oh, we're moving.

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Speaker 1: That's it because I'm getting out of my own way

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Speaker 1: him be.

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Speaker 5: The expert what it is, yes, but also taking the

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Speaker 5: time to give him a chance to speak so we

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Speaker 5: can get everything out.

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Speaker 1: And then it was my turn, and then we were

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Speaker 1: able to actually get the business across the finish line

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Speaker 1: because we both had to step back and say, ah,

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Speaker 1: you knew the business, but I knew the demographic. So

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Speaker 1: sometimes it's just getting out of your own way so

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Speaker 1: you can listen before you have so much to say.

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Speaker 2: And you always say you know what you don't know.

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Speaker 1: And now I knew what I didn't know. I just

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Speaker 1: didn't know how much I didn't know that part.

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Speaker 2: All right, karaoke time, all.

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Speaker 1: Right, so you you called out the bamboo and lings,

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Speaker 1: all right, So this song is around that time. And

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Speaker 1: since we're talking about fighting and you like to be

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Speaker 1: a thug, listen.

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Speaker 2: When I'm ready. You know what I'm saying. You can't

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Speaker 2: take the Brooklyn out of girl. Mama said knock you

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Speaker 2: as well to come back.

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Speaker 1: I've been married for years. Yeah, that's how been here.

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Speaker 1: Sometimes y'all heard my wife, you wanting to fight. I

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Speaker 1: don't be wanting to fight.

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Speaker 2: I want to That is such a lie.

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Speaker 1: I don't want to fight. I want to fuck.

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Speaker 3: Listen swear.

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Speaker 1: I don't want to fight anybody.

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Speaker 2: Who knows us. No. I love a debate, honey, he

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Speaker 2: got the receipts giving is giving high school debate t

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Speaker 2: middle school? Middle school even started earlier. My god, yes,

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Speaker 2: and I feel the effects of it every day.

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Speaker 1: I don't. I don't like to fight, but I do

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Speaker 1: love to debate. Yes, I do love to do that's

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Speaker 1: their love to be challenged. I love to challenge people.

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Speaker 1: That's why me in trouble get along so much. But

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Speaker 1: I don't like to fight my wife that I don't.

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Speaker 2: We don't really, we don't fight no more. We just

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Speaker 2: be like having these very long, drawing out discussions. But

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Speaker 2: at least we come to some sort of understanding and

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Speaker 2: then we move on because we're no longer the festering

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Speaker 2: and dragging it on to the next day.

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Speaker 1: That's the biggest thing. We'll discuss it. But we've learned

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Speaker 1: how to debate and discuss things without attacking each other

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Speaker 1: for sure.

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Speaker 4: Like it's fighting.

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Speaker 1: That's how you say that for karaoke.

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Speaker 4: You had your song, Bro, you had your song?

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Speaker 1: Is your friend?

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Speaker 2: Don't use it? It's a bottle of water.

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Speaker 1: About that destroyed Google?

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Speaker 2: Google destroyed? They didn't, he didn't. Google is still the thing,

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Speaker 2: you know?

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Speaker 1: Do we know that? Though? Triuple? Just Google Google and

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Speaker 1: then Google A. Yeah, so this is a serious question.

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Speaker 1: Google doesn't destroy the earth by using this stuff.

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Speaker 6: AI does, well, I guess data centers do.

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Speaker 1: Yeah.

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Speaker 6: I don't know if Google, like search engines, used the

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Speaker 6: same type of technology that AI technology.

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Speaker 2: Right, I guess we would have known by now, because

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Speaker 2: Google's been around so much longer, it probably would have

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Speaker 2: felled the effects.

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Speaker 1: Unless we do know, and they don't tell anybody, Like

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Speaker 1: Flint hasn't had water for the day and we didn't

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Speaker 1: find out until about what five years ago, and then

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Speaker 1: they still haven't fixed it. Well, I mean we should

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Speaker 1: look into that.

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Speaker 2: Listen that part. All right, y'all, Let's go pay some

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Speaker 2: bills and we'll be back with Trimble's favorite portion. Op up.

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Speaker 2: All right, Okay, we're back. Paddles up, y'all. O time.

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Speaker 2: What you got for us today?

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Speaker 6: Trip? All right? So this week a Vanity Fair article

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Speaker 6: came out that is a series of interviews with Trump's

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Speaker 6: chief of Staff Susie Wiles, and a photographer took pictures

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Speaker 6: of Trump's whole cabinet that are sparking at debate online.

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Speaker 6: The pictures were and the article was meant to show

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Speaker 6: an up close look at power and peril. And the

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Speaker 6: photographer that took these pictures, he posted these close up

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Speaker 6: images of Trump's cabinet members and they're smacked.

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Speaker 7: Big.

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Speaker 6: A big thing is Caroline Levitt is young, but she

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Speaker 6: looks like she's at least fifty and you can see

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Speaker 6: all her wrinkles up close.

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Speaker 7: There.

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Speaker 6: They have individual portraits with each person where it seems

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Speaker 6: like this photographer meant to make them look either like

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Speaker 6: small or childish, or there's like an inanimate object that's

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Speaker 6: more prominent in the photo. And so I know we

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Speaker 6: have two great photographers in a room, and so I

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Speaker 6: wanted to know op or no op about how this

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Speaker 6: how this photo shoot?

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Speaker 3: No live?

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Speaker 7: I saw these pictures last night. Oh I gotta I

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Speaker 7: gotta op, got an op man, I gotta.

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Speaker 3: Bop yo yo.

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Speaker 7: I saw these pictures last night, right, And I thought

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Speaker 7: it was a joke, Like I thought it was a

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Speaker 7: collection of images from other photographs and like screen grabs

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Speaker 7: and like like really tight photos of the cabinet members.

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Speaker 7: But no, this is actual, a real like real thing,

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Speaker 7: Like this is incredible. I actually like it. I mean

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Speaker 7: to be honest with you, the I like the thought

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Speaker 7: around not taking the typical pictures get you know, such

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Speaker 7: a I want to say, like esteemed, but like this

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Speaker 7: is not everyday photographer's task to shoot a presidential cabinet, right,

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Speaker 7: so you do get one that's as impactful and will

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Speaker 7: be as memorable as Donald Trump's cabinet. You he took

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Speaker 7: full advantage of making photos that will always be remembered.

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Speaker 2: Right.

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Speaker 3: This is like, this is like completely out of the box.

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Speaker 1: Now.

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Speaker 7: The photos are comical when you when you consider the

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Speaker 7: status of the person versus the quality of the photo, right,

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Speaker 7: Like they don't match whatsoever.

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Speaker 3: But I think that's what's brilliant about it.

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Speaker 2: I don't know, I think that that's what the photographer

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Speaker 2: had in mind.

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Speaker 6: Absolutely, you don't make these pictures like yeah, so the photographer,

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Speaker 6: Christopher Anderson is a prolific editorial photographer. He takes great pictures.

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Speaker 6: And some of these pictures like JD Van's for ind

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Speaker 6: and his portrait photo. It's a full body portrait and

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Speaker 6: he's standing next to a light switch and a like

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Speaker 6: a temperature gauge, which and it's in the photo. Like

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Speaker 6: no good photographer would lead that in that photo.

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Speaker 2: Is that easily photoshop?

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Speaker 4: Yeah?

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Speaker 6: So it's like it's like a reference to how tall,

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Speaker 6: how small he is, you know, and this photographer is

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Speaker 6: a professional. It's not like this is his first photo shoot.

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Speaker 6: He would never you know, compromise his own art or

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Speaker 6: his reputation by taking a bad photo unless it is

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Speaker 6: on purpose.

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Speaker 4: But I don't think he's a bad photo.

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Speaker 6: No, they're not bad photos.

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Speaker 2: But that you know, that is just like the frame

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Speaker 2: and the choice of like angle, it's not the standard

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Speaker 2: cabinet portrait you would typically expect.

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Speaker 7: Yeah, it's like what you're including in the photograph is not,

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Speaker 7: like Matt said, expected, But he's purpose included. I think

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Speaker 7: it's part of it's a part of storytelling, which obviously this.

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Speaker 1: Is this is what it is. Yeah, this cabinet wants

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Speaker 1: to control all narratives. So this doesn't surprise me. Hey,

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Speaker 1: we're normal we're just like you were regular. Well they

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Speaker 1: take all your money.

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Speaker 6: Well they didn't. They didn't have the artistic choice. The

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Speaker 6: photographer did.

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Speaker 1: Yeah, And what I'm saying is, I'm pretty sure that

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Speaker 1: administration told that photographer exactly how it's going to go.

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Speaker 1: They'd be telling this, they be telling anybody what to do.

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Speaker 2: True, And if they made it out, then somebody approved them.

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Speaker 6: Though, right, yeah, Vanity Fair did. Yeah, because this is

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Speaker 6: this would be against what they would want. They wouldn't

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Speaker 6: want to look stat you asque But they also are

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Speaker 6: not artistic people, and they're not they're not sophisticated, right, right,

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Speaker 6: So even if they did approve, it is likely that

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Speaker 6: they could have missed some of this stuff because they

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Speaker 6: just don't have the sophistication that you know, people don't.

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Speaker 2: Be sophisticated when you sometimes will like somebody say, oh,

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Speaker 2: I'll take a picture for you, and then you hand

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Speaker 2: them your phone and then they take a picture and

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Speaker 2: like you're all the way down here in the bottom

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Speaker 2: left corner and there's a bunch of shit in the background.

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Speaker 2: It's like, what were you taking the picture of me?

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Speaker 6: I ain't gonna take picture of you.

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Speaker 2: That's me invested when somebody asked me to take a picture,

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Speaker 2: I'm like, Okay, let me frame this up. Let me

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Speaker 2: make sure you look good. I fix the light, face

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Speaker 2: the light you don't want to like behind you. Like

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Speaker 2: I do all those things just easily, and then I

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Speaker 2: find like when I pass it to somebody else, it'll

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Speaker 2: just be like I don't.

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Speaker 7: I don't ever get good photos of people taking me

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Speaker 7: like if casually just taking pictures of me.

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Speaker 6: I know Josh is not talking I.

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Speaker 7: Josh.

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Speaker 6: I asked Josh to take pictures of me one time once,

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Speaker 6: the only ones in my whole life. The whole time

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Speaker 6: I've known Josh five years, I've asked him to take

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Speaker 6: picture of me. One time. He took the pictures. He

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Speaker 6: acted like it was all good. I'm moving around posting.

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Speaker 6: I'm pretty awkward in front of the camera. So I'm like, Josh,

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Speaker 6: you're a fucking fantastic photography. It's gonna make me look

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Speaker 6: so good. It's a parking no parking sign in every picture,

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Speaker 6: every picture.

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Speaker 3: And I was stupid. He just talked about We just

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Speaker 3: talked about. She doesn't have the nuance to know.

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Speaker 1: Focus on yes.

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Speaker 7: She thinks that it should be I heard her on

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Speaker 7: the phone yesterday telling somebody the photographer can't take that out.

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Speaker 3: Nigga, she got glasses.

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Speaker 6: He wasn't a photographer. See, that's why you shouldn't be nosy,

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Speaker 6: because I wasn't even talking about photographersiness in my business.

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Speaker 6: I was talking about an illustrator who's drawing an original

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Speaker 6: photo of me and using a photo where I'm wearing

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Speaker 6: glasses as a reference.

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Speaker 3: All right, we don't need to fight exactly, because.

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Speaker 1: You're fighting wrong and you beout, you better get.

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Speaker 7: In here the real talk. What she didn't realize is

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Speaker 7: that it was a video that I was doing her.

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Speaker 7: She was dancing around a movie and I was capturing

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Speaker 7: the video. You know, you got that button on the

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Speaker 7: side where you can press while you're doing a video

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Speaker 7: to take pictures. That's what the pictures were. She never

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Speaker 7: she never saw the video. She only saw the pictures.

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Speaker 6: Yeah, I didn't even know that button existed. You know what,

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Speaker 6: I take horrible?

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Speaker 7: She was wrong, right, It wasn't a bunch of pictures.

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Speaker 7: There's a bunch of steals from a video. And you

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Speaker 7: didn't appreciate the video that I made for you.

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Speaker 6: And I didn't ask for a video. That was the

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Speaker 6: thing I asked for a picture.

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Speaker 4: That's none of that the best part of trip. Asked

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Speaker 4: me to take the picture. I was like, Josh should

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Speaker 4: take a field.

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Speaker 6: That's exactly so that's that's even worse. I don't even ask.

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Speaker 1: Josh for a favor, So that actually is a copra

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Speaker 1: here fighting Matt, not fighting fair. Matt said, I'm back,

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Speaker 1: We're back.

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Speaker 3: On our She just threw me under the bus. I

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Speaker 3: was like, you know what I'm saying, I'm.

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Speaker 2: Just end up with a bunch of selfies in your

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Speaker 2: phone because that's typically.

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Speaker 1: You do that.

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Speaker 6: There's a there's a selfie Joshie in my phone.

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Speaker 4: I don't think so that's a terrible bet for you

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Speaker 4: to take.

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Speaker 1: Bro.

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Speaker 2: John said she.

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Speaker 1: Was going to take a picture and you would flip

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Speaker 1: the phone and go like this person. I was like,

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Speaker 1: stop takingself You'd be like, all right, think about how

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Speaker 1: long we've been friends, Bro, you ain't never do that.

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Speaker 1: I know you did it the kay.

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Speaker 4: To a bunch of people, so I know that's a

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Speaker 4: bad to take.

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Speaker 2: The stranger that I feel like we've really only.

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Speaker 6: Five years in January that we started coming to Atlanta.

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Speaker 6: I've known y'all for seven seven year.

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Speaker 2: I about to say, because I'm damn like it feels longer.

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Speaker 2: All right, well here we are.

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Speaker 6: We got to have an anniversary going strong.

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Speaker 1: We do Josh anniversary.

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Speaker 2: You're don't have all the cabinet members look crazy cabinet.

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Speaker 3: I would love to do Alice after shoot just like that.

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Speaker 2: Yeah, that would be that would actually be like the

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Speaker 2: personality shots. That would be great.

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Speaker 1: It's coming, guys, is coming post.

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Speaker 3: We're just not going to tell you before we're going

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Speaker 3: to do it.

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Speaker 6: Because he played me last time. I didn't come in

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Speaker 6: my picture clothes. You know what I'm saying. I came

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Speaker 6: in my comfy clothes. I look ridiculous.

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Speaker 1: So question, were the cabinet members dressed up in like pictures?

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Speaker 7: They were every day close and they weren't everyday governmental.

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Speaker 1: Yeah, yes, they.

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Speaker 6: Look a mess. So here's the second opera no op

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Speaker 6: since we're talking about fight right. So the reason why

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Speaker 6: I picked this title for this episode is because I

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Speaker 6: have a book by doctor John and doctors John and

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Speaker 6: Julie Gotman. It's called fight Right. And they started the

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Speaker 6: Gotment Institute where they study. They provide science based information

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Speaker 6: about relationships. Couple's marriage is their specialty. And so years ago.

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Speaker 6: They came up with this the four horsemen of the Apocalypse,

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Speaker 6: and it's a metaphor they used to describe destructive communication

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Speaker 6: styles that, based on decades of research, can predict the

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Speaker 6: end of a relationship with over ninety percent accuracy if

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Speaker 6: not addressed. And so those four horsemen when you're communicating

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Speaker 6: in conflict with your partner are criticism, so attacking your

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Speaker 6: partner's core character rather than sticking to a specific complaint. Contempt,

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Speaker 6: which is sarcasm, name calling, iron it can make your

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Speaker 6: partner feel despised or worthless. Defensiveness when your partner may

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Speaker 6: make excuses or play the innocent victim to deflect blame

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Speaker 6: or like cross complaining like you know, yeah I did this,

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Speaker 6: but you did that. And then stonewalling, which is when

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Speaker 6: a partner withdraws from the interaction, shuts down, or stops responding.

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Speaker 2: So comes from someone or a relationship exhibiting all four

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Speaker 2: of these or just one of them.

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Speaker 1: Yeah, this is why I said early on.

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Speaker 2: We had to kick the bucket a long time.

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Speaker 6: Yeah, Well that's that's that's the part of it is

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Speaker 6: that if it's not addressed, that's the ninety percent accuracy

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Speaker 6: that a relationship will in But if you address it,

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Speaker 6: and you can try to try to at least acknowledge

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Speaker 6: and repair, then you should be able to, you know,

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Speaker 6: continue to grow. Yeah, but op or no, op? Are

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Speaker 6: you do you experience any of these four horsemen? Have

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Speaker 6: you in the past? Have you addressed it?

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Speaker 1: Yes?

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Speaker 2: Absolutely, in twenty three years, I would hope. So, you know,

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Speaker 2: I think for me, though, all four of these go

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Speaker 2: hand in hand with accountability, which I said in a

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Speaker 2: prior episode that's the one thing that I think was

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Speaker 2: always lacking for me, just this desire to always feel

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Speaker 2: like I'm doing the right thing all the time. And

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Speaker 2: that's not that I'm perfect, but it's just like, no,

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Speaker 2: my intention is this? Why did it impact you that way?

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Speaker 2: So I think for me, accountability goes hand in hand

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Speaker 2: with those four because at least now, even if one

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Speaker 2: of these things were to happen, I'm not looking at

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Speaker 2: it from the lens of okay, how could I have

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Speaker 2: handled this differently? Or how can I own up to

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Speaker 2: my part and something that went wrong? You know, when

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Speaker 2: it comes to for example, defensiveness, like that's something that

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Speaker 2: Devala has told me all the time, and the moment

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Speaker 2: I don't feel like I'm being defensive.

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Speaker 1: No one ever does. It's not just you. No one

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Speaker 1: feels like they're being defensive. Those defensive people saying defensive, right.

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Speaker 2: I think I've done that. Stonewalling. I've done that too,

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Speaker 2: you know, just being like, you know, I just don't

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Speaker 2: even want to talk about this anymore. So, Yeah, I

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Speaker 2: think we all fall victim to it at some point.

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Speaker 1: I think the biggest thing is when we talk about

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Speaker 1: fighting right, knowing what you're fighting for, right, Like, you

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Speaker 1: should be fighting to stay together. And if you're fighting

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Speaker 1: to stay together, then you're going to find a way

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Speaker 1: to fight, right. But if you're fighting to win the argument,

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Speaker 1: that's when you end up in that ninety percent of

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Speaker 1: getting divorced and not being together. For me, the first

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Speaker 1: thing is I'm fighting to be here. I'm fighting to

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Speaker 1: be with my wife. I'm fighting for us to stay

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Speaker 1: again together.

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Speaker 6: Yeah.

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Speaker 1: So if I know that that's what I'm fighting for,

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Speaker 1: it doesn't matter what the outcome is. I know what

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00:19:31,960 --> 00:19:33,640
Speaker 1: my my intent is, so the.

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Speaker 2: Fight doesn't it doesn't become something individualistic. It becomes more

403
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Speaker 2: of like.

404
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Speaker 1: I'm fighting for us, what are we doing? And not

405
00:19:39,560 --> 00:19:40,040
Speaker 1: fighting for me?

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00:19:40,359 --> 00:19:41,040
Speaker 2: Fighting for us?

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Speaker 1: I think that's that, ultimately is how you get past

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Speaker 1: those four because everybody exhibits one or multiple of those four.

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Speaker 1: But if you're fighting for the right reasons, then you can.

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Speaker 2: Find reason all relationships, not just oh yeah relationships. Yeah, yeah, absolutely,

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Speaker 2: familial work all that. How about y'all, which one which

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00:19:58,920 --> 00:20:00,560
Speaker 2: one stands out for you? Of the four?

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Speaker 4: Stonewalling because I'm not gonna argue with you, just walk away.

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Speaker 2: That's very much Matt.

415
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Speaker 4: I can see that it's a flaw.

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Speaker 2: But two places Matt ain't going y'all.

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Speaker 5: This bag and be like, all right, simple, just heard

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Speaker 5: your copy.

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Speaker 7: Yeah, maybe defensiveness earlier on, I used to be defensive,

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Speaker 7: but stone waning for sure.

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Speaker 4: I say defensiveness for me as well. I gotta work

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Speaker 4: on that a little bit more. But I feel like

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Speaker 4: I've gotten better with that.

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Speaker 2: Yeah for me. Stonewalling another word for that. That's like

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Speaker 2: my thing. I just sometimes you just can't be bothered

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Speaker 2: like in that moment either you just don't have the

427
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Speaker 2: capacity for it. I just don't see any value in

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Speaker 2: this moment with continuing, you know. And then Deval has

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Speaker 2: hated that because he feels like I'm shutting him off

430
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Speaker 2: or shutting down, whereas I just feel like to protect

431
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Speaker 2: both of our space and both of our feelings in

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Speaker 2: that it's like better if I do that, But you

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00:21:01,920 --> 00:21:03,600
Speaker 2: were like, absolutely not. You want to get to the

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Speaker 2: bottom of things.

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Speaker 1: Yeah, because in real time, I think it's important that

436
00:21:07,040 --> 00:21:10,199
Speaker 1: if you understand that you're fighting for you and your partner,

437
00:21:10,320 --> 00:21:14,919
Speaker 1: you understand what your partner's first defense mechanisms are going

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Speaker 1: to be. Right. Are they going to stonewarm me? Are

439
00:21:17,080 --> 00:21:19,400
Speaker 1: they going to defend themselves? Are they going to eye roll?

440
00:21:19,680 --> 00:21:21,840
Speaker 1: And since I'm fighting for us to be here, I

441
00:21:21,880 --> 00:21:23,720
Speaker 1: don't point that out and just be like, look, you're

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Speaker 1: doing anything, I say, yo, can we not? Can we

443
00:21:25,640 --> 00:21:27,960
Speaker 1: get past that? Or I'll accept the fact that you

444
00:21:27,960 --> 00:21:29,960
Speaker 1: know what, you're being defensive right now, You're not really

445
00:21:30,000 --> 00:21:32,520
Speaker 1: hearing what I'm saying, So I'll try to pivot and

446
00:21:32,600 --> 00:21:36,840
Speaker 1: change my approach to avoid hitting those triggers, because it

447
00:21:36,960 --> 00:21:39,120
Speaker 1: matters to me that I don't trigger you while trying

448
00:21:39,119 --> 00:21:41,360
Speaker 1: to explain how I feel. Yeah, you know what I'm saying.

449
00:21:41,760 --> 00:21:45,400
Speaker 2: Yeah, it's a lot to have to juggle within an interaction, But.

450
00:21:46,240 --> 00:21:49,439
Speaker 1: You choose somebody. If you choose somebody, and this is

451
00:21:49,480 --> 00:21:52,520
Speaker 1: the person you think is worth fighting for. That's what

452
00:21:52,560 --> 00:21:54,360
Speaker 1: you do. And a lot of times you will hear

453
00:21:54,760 --> 00:21:57,480
Speaker 1: online or people like I ain't going through all of that. Fine,

454
00:21:57,720 --> 00:22:00,600
Speaker 1: you haven't found the person that's worth it for you,

455
00:22:01,119 --> 00:22:04,240
Speaker 1: and that's okay. But when you do, you're going to

456
00:22:04,400 --> 00:22:07,360
Speaker 1: have to be able to do that. Because as much

457
00:22:07,400 --> 00:22:09,360
Speaker 1: as I can sit here and say I've figured out

458
00:22:09,400 --> 00:22:12,720
Speaker 1: all the pillars to not be defensive, let me be

459
00:22:12,760 --> 00:22:14,600
Speaker 1: in a bad place at a bad time, in a

460
00:22:14,640 --> 00:22:16,960
Speaker 1: bad moment. I'm going to get defensive. I'm going to

461
00:22:17,040 --> 00:22:19,560
Speaker 1: stone wall, I'm gonna roll my eyes, and I'm just

462
00:22:19,560 --> 00:22:21,399
Speaker 1: gonna be hoping that I hope my wife in that

463
00:22:21,440 --> 00:22:23,879
Speaker 1: moment realized I was in a bad spot and not

464
00:22:23,920 --> 00:22:26,080
Speaker 1: take that as that's me all the time. And I

465
00:22:26,080 --> 00:22:28,439
Speaker 1: think that's the most important thing about fighting fear is

466
00:22:28,520 --> 00:22:30,760
Speaker 1: understanding that, you know, what, where is my person at

467
00:22:30,800 --> 00:22:33,359
Speaker 1: right now? While we have this conversation. You know, you

468
00:22:33,400 --> 00:22:35,360
Speaker 1: and I have been dealing with a lot of grief recently,

469
00:22:35,880 --> 00:22:39,520
Speaker 1: so our conversations have been extremely intense and short because

470
00:22:39,560 --> 00:22:41,439
Speaker 1: the minute I say something, that you say something, we

471
00:22:41,520 --> 00:22:44,359
Speaker 1: both feel like, oh, you know, we feel attacked. The

472
00:22:44,359 --> 00:22:45,400
Speaker 1: spotlight is on us.

473
00:22:45,440 --> 00:22:46,880
Speaker 2: Oh for sure, and over.

474
00:22:46,680 --> 00:22:49,720
Speaker 1: The past couple of months, we've targeted that and said,

475
00:22:49,720 --> 00:22:51,560
Speaker 1: you know, you acting like this, and I say, I'm

476
00:22:51,560 --> 00:22:52,320
Speaker 1: acting like this.

477
00:22:52,560 --> 00:22:55,560
Speaker 2: The emotional capacity is just not even there to even

478
00:22:55,560 --> 00:22:58,439
Speaker 2: address certain arguments. So it's just like, man, I've been

479
00:22:58,520 --> 00:23:00,560
Speaker 2: been stone wall like a bitch because I'm like, listen,

480
00:23:00,720 --> 00:23:03,160
Speaker 2: I just can't. I don't have it in this moment.

481
00:23:03,280 --> 00:23:06,560
Speaker 2: But you understand what's happening and before stand all the

482
00:23:06,600 --> 00:23:07,960
Speaker 2: outside sources.

483
00:23:07,560 --> 00:23:11,439
Speaker 1: So before people say, you know, it's not fair. Like me,

484
00:23:11,760 --> 00:23:16,000
Speaker 1: Matt and Josh have had different relations, different conversations as husbands,

485
00:23:16,640 --> 00:23:18,680
Speaker 1: and we'll be like, you know, does your wife do this? Yeah,

486
00:23:18,680 --> 00:23:19,960
Speaker 1: my wife does that. My wife does And at the

487
00:23:20,040 --> 00:23:22,840
Speaker 1: end of it, it's just like, that's my wife, you

488
00:23:22,840 --> 00:23:25,520
Speaker 1: know what I'm saying, Like I chose her, yeah, and

489
00:23:25,560 --> 00:23:28,159
Speaker 1: that's my wife and that's what she does. So me

490
00:23:28,200 --> 00:23:29,840
Speaker 1: and Josh talking about this last night and we was

491
00:23:29,840 --> 00:23:32,080
Speaker 1: like we just you know, you breathe sometimes and you

492
00:23:32,119 --> 00:23:34,040
Speaker 1: say that's the only person I want to be with

493
00:23:34,680 --> 00:23:36,720
Speaker 1: and is that worth me putting up with? And the

494
00:23:36,760 --> 00:23:39,160
Speaker 1: answer is always yes. And I think that's what people

495
00:23:39,160 --> 00:23:42,320
Speaker 1: need to start having those conversations not be perfect. So

496
00:23:42,400 --> 00:23:45,200
Speaker 1: your partner never feels a trigger. It's just having empathy

497
00:23:45,240 --> 00:23:47,639
Speaker 1: and understanding that people going to be triggered sometimes, Like

498
00:23:47,680 --> 00:23:50,560
Speaker 1: we're humans, we're not robots, And just because a little

499
00:23:50,560 --> 00:23:52,720
Speaker 1: red flag may pop up, don't mean you dismiss a

500
00:23:52,720 --> 00:23:55,040
Speaker 1: person or a situation, you know what I'm saying. It's

501
00:23:55,040 --> 00:23:58,280
Speaker 1: just fighting fear is understanding that that's a human, you know,

502
00:23:58,359 --> 00:24:01,159
Speaker 1: not a prompted AI bot that you expected all of

503
00:24:01,200 --> 00:24:03,200
Speaker 1: the responses to come out perfectly.

504
00:24:03,640 --> 00:24:03,880
Speaker 3: Yeah.

505
00:24:04,200 --> 00:24:06,480
Speaker 6: I've spent a lot of time learning how to fight

506
00:24:06,720 --> 00:24:11,560
Speaker 6: because just I feel like I used to struggle with

507
00:24:11,600 --> 00:24:14,760
Speaker 6: like contempt and defensiveness and then being in a relationship

508
00:24:14,800 --> 00:24:18,760
Speaker 6: that would escalate to physical violence. I had to learn

509
00:24:18,800 --> 00:24:21,840
Speaker 6: how to, like, you know, choose my words carefully and

510
00:24:22,400 --> 00:24:24,400
Speaker 6: when people come to me and say, like they don't

511
00:24:24,440 --> 00:24:27,240
Speaker 6: like what I said, or I have a sensitivity about

512
00:24:27,280 --> 00:24:30,080
Speaker 6: being perceived as mean. So I've always just tried to

513
00:24:30,080 --> 00:24:33,000
Speaker 6: figure out how to communicate better in conflict. And I

514
00:24:33,080 --> 00:24:36,359
Speaker 6: took a class this year, a workshop this year with

515
00:24:36,400 --> 00:24:40,160
Speaker 6: my friend Alta Gracia at the Seventh Space in Newark

516
00:24:41,080 --> 00:24:43,879
Speaker 6: called Conflict Bravery, which kind of teaches you how to

517
00:24:45,960 --> 00:24:48,520
Speaker 6: how to face conflict head on with people that you

518
00:24:48,560 --> 00:24:51,880
Speaker 6: are in a relationship with, whether it is romantic, friendship, family,

519
00:24:52,520 --> 00:24:56,320
Speaker 6: and still come out of that conflict with love intact

520
00:24:56,359 --> 00:25:00,760
Speaker 6: and relationship intact. And one of the content, which is

521
00:25:00,760 --> 00:25:03,320
Speaker 6: something that you're kind of hitting on right now, is

522
00:25:03,440 --> 00:25:07,879
Speaker 6: unconditional positive regard. If you can have unconditional positive regard

523
00:25:08,000 --> 00:25:12,520
Speaker 6: for your partner when you're in conflict, you won't tend

524
00:25:12,520 --> 00:25:15,000
Speaker 6: to take things personal because you know that what they're

525
00:25:15,000 --> 00:25:17,040
Speaker 6: trying to do, they're not trying to attack here as

526
00:25:17,040 --> 00:25:18,560
Speaker 6: a fact, you know what I'm saying. Then you can

527
00:25:18,560 --> 00:25:21,600
Speaker 6: start to consider what else may be happening in that moment,

528
00:25:21,640 --> 00:25:24,439
Speaker 6: and you can keep that conflict kind of contained into

529
00:25:24,560 --> 00:25:27,240
Speaker 6: what it is instead of letting it spill over into

530
00:25:27,280 --> 00:25:28,400
Speaker 6: your whole relationship.

531
00:25:28,480 --> 00:25:31,000
Speaker 1: Yo, I like that one of the biggest conflicts we've

532
00:25:31,040 --> 00:25:34,000
Speaker 1: been dealing with now because the kids are growing, like

533
00:25:34,040 --> 00:25:37,040
Speaker 1: it seems like they're growing exponentially. Parents are getting older,

534
00:25:37,160 --> 00:25:40,639
Speaker 1: so there's more responsibilities on the two of us to

535
00:25:40,840 --> 00:25:44,199
Speaker 1: handle and help everybody's plus businesses are growing, things are happening.

536
00:25:44,560 --> 00:25:47,879
Speaker 1: We argue the most about time we want time with

537
00:25:47,960 --> 00:25:52,320
Speaker 1: each other, and there's some days where we'll be arguing

538
00:25:52,440 --> 00:25:55,720
Speaker 1: and like at at which end, and then I'll just

539
00:25:55,760 --> 00:25:57,639
Speaker 1: be like, yo, just stop for a minute. And then

540
00:25:57,680 --> 00:25:59,679
Speaker 1: she was like, what's so funny, And I'll be like,

541
00:26:00,400 --> 00:26:04,760
Speaker 1: think about what we're arguing about. We are arguing about

542
00:26:04,800 --> 00:26:08,239
Speaker 1: wanting to be with each other more so before we

543
00:26:08,280 --> 00:26:11,520
Speaker 1: get upset at each other. We're not arguing about infidelity.

544
00:26:11,720 --> 00:26:14,560
Speaker 1: We're not arguing about finances. We're not arguing about violence.

545
00:26:14,600 --> 00:26:17,440
Speaker 1: We're not arguing about death. We're arguing about how much

546
00:26:17,480 --> 00:26:19,760
Speaker 1: we love each other and want each other more. You

547
00:26:19,840 --> 00:26:24,119
Speaker 1: know how many marriages are about that they can't find

548
00:26:24,200 --> 00:26:28,199
Speaker 1: time for each other, and they're arguing about who's not

549
00:26:28,320 --> 00:26:31,160
Speaker 1: putting enough effort into making that time. That's what we

550
00:26:31,160 --> 00:26:34,520
Speaker 1: were arguing about, who's not putting enough effort into making

551
00:26:34,560 --> 00:26:36,960
Speaker 1: this work. And then when you sit back and really

552
00:26:37,040 --> 00:26:40,040
Speaker 1: think about that argument, it's a blessing. Yea. You know

553
00:26:40,080 --> 00:26:42,200
Speaker 1: there's a silver lining in that. It's like, I found

554
00:26:42,200 --> 00:26:45,240
Speaker 1: someone who, through all of this bullshit in the world,

555
00:26:45,680 --> 00:26:48,520
Speaker 1: wants to spend time with me, and through all the bullshit,

556
00:26:48,560 --> 00:26:51,480
Speaker 1: I want to spend time with her. That's how I

557
00:26:51,560 --> 00:26:54,640
Speaker 1: keep Kay in a positive regard because I always say

558
00:26:54,640 --> 00:26:56,399
Speaker 1: to her, Babe, I don't think you're doing anything to

559
00:26:56,560 --> 00:27:00,760
Speaker 1: me on purpose. But these things are happening, and can

560
00:27:00,760 --> 00:27:03,320
Speaker 1: we address the fact that these things are happening. And

561
00:27:03,440 --> 00:27:05,480
Speaker 1: as we've gotten older, she's been able to be like,

562
00:27:05,520 --> 00:27:07,520
Speaker 1: you know what, I see what you're saying now, Yeah,

563
00:27:08,200 --> 00:27:08,879
Speaker 1: you can speak on that.

564
00:27:09,000 --> 00:27:11,720
Speaker 2: No, absolutely, I realized sometimes it just boils down to

565
00:27:11,760 --> 00:27:18,280
Speaker 2: time management or prioritizing things differently. And we have had

566
00:27:18,320 --> 00:27:20,359
Speaker 2: a lot of moments like that recently where even I

567
00:27:20,400 --> 00:27:24,439
Speaker 2: had a revelation recently myself where I realized that so

568
00:27:24,480 --> 00:27:27,880
Speaker 2: many things around me were happening but not to me directly,

569
00:27:28,119 --> 00:27:30,560
Speaker 2: and I was sitting in the things happening around me,

570
00:27:30,920 --> 00:27:34,120
Speaker 2: allowing it to impact me and then of course impact

571
00:27:34,119 --> 00:27:37,040
Speaker 2: our relationship. But I'm just like man, when I really

572
00:27:37,080 --> 00:27:39,359
Speaker 2: go down to the basis of things and I boil

573
00:27:39,400 --> 00:27:43,000
Speaker 2: it down to what the root is. Nothing's happening directly

574
00:27:43,040 --> 00:27:45,120
Speaker 2: to me. It's just a matter of how I'm juggling

575
00:27:45,160 --> 00:27:48,520
Speaker 2: these emotions in this time, allowing myself to feel the

576
00:27:48,560 --> 00:27:51,800
Speaker 2: way I feel, asking for the support that I need

577
00:27:51,840 --> 00:27:54,439
Speaker 2: from you, and being honest about how I feel and

578
00:27:54,440 --> 00:27:57,000
Speaker 2: not trying to hold in degree for holding the worry.

579
00:27:58,240 --> 00:28:00,719
Speaker 2: And then you can meet me where I am yes

580
00:28:00,880 --> 00:28:04,280
Speaker 2: and effectively figure out how to help each other through

581
00:28:04,320 --> 00:28:04,760
Speaker 2: this moment.

582
00:28:05,240 --> 00:28:08,320
Speaker 1: Something you said too really stuck with me. You feeling

583
00:28:08,359 --> 00:28:10,639
Speaker 1: safe to be honest about how you feel. We went

584
00:28:10,720 --> 00:28:13,359
Speaker 1: to bathtub two nights ago and I was like, Hey,

585
00:28:13,720 --> 00:28:17,080
Speaker 1: I need you to not worry about my feelings right now.

586
00:28:17,760 --> 00:28:20,520
Speaker 1: Tell me the things that you think I'm doing that

587
00:28:21,240 --> 00:28:24,760
Speaker 1: are bothering you or causing you anxiety. And then she so, well,

588
00:28:24,800 --> 00:28:27,440
Speaker 1: but I said, before you say well, but don't worry

589
00:28:27,440 --> 00:28:30,320
Speaker 1: about my feelings in this moment. Just say it just.

590
00:28:30,280 --> 00:28:32,600
Speaker 2: And that was hard for me because I'm always conditioned

591
00:28:32,640 --> 00:28:35,040
Speaker 2: to make sure that he's okay in the same way

592
00:28:35,080 --> 00:28:37,800
Speaker 2: he's conditioning I'm sure I'm okay. So it's just like, okay.

593
00:28:37,880 --> 00:28:39,720
Speaker 2: I love that we're both taking care of each other.

594
00:28:39,760 --> 00:28:42,200
Speaker 2: But he allowed me to be selfish in that moment

595
00:28:42,640 --> 00:28:44,880
Speaker 2: and just say how I feel and didn't judge me

596
00:28:44,880 --> 00:28:46,400
Speaker 2: for what I was saying either. We talk about that

597
00:28:46,440 --> 00:28:48,360
Speaker 2: all the time as well, like not judging your partner

598
00:28:48,360 --> 00:28:50,280
Speaker 2: for how they feel. And I was like, oh shit,

599
00:28:50,320 --> 00:28:52,720
Speaker 2: look at us exercising our own advice that we give people,

600
00:28:52,840 --> 00:28:54,440
Speaker 2: whether it's in the book or just on the podcast.

601
00:28:54,520 --> 00:28:57,120
Speaker 2: It's like I felt good and I didn't feel judged,

602
00:28:57,120 --> 00:28:59,840
Speaker 2: and Deval didn't then take it and use it against

603
00:28:59,840 --> 00:29:02,120
Speaker 2: me or drag it on further. It was like, yo,

604
00:29:02,160 --> 00:29:04,360
Speaker 2: it stayed in the bathtub, you know what I'm saying,

605
00:29:04,640 --> 00:29:06,400
Speaker 2: and then we were able to adjust thereafter.

606
00:29:06,640 --> 00:29:09,000
Speaker 1: And to be honest, it's not always even back and

607
00:29:09,040 --> 00:29:11,840
Speaker 1: forth because I won't say, you know, I gave her

608
00:29:11,840 --> 00:29:14,760
Speaker 1: that space and she didn't feel judged. But sometimes when

609
00:29:14,800 --> 00:29:16,600
Speaker 1: I give her that, when she gives me that space,

610
00:29:16,600 --> 00:29:19,000
Speaker 1: I do feel judged. But also, when you keep your

611
00:29:19,000 --> 00:29:20,960
Speaker 1: wife in a positive regard, you know that they're not

612
00:29:21,040 --> 00:29:24,240
Speaker 1: judging you because they hate you. She's judging me because

613
00:29:24,280 --> 00:29:27,600
Speaker 1: she feels guilty about what it is. And sometimes then

614
00:29:27,640 --> 00:29:30,680
Speaker 1: the conversation no longer goes to about how I feel,

615
00:29:31,040 --> 00:29:33,280
Speaker 1: but about how she feels about what I said. But

616
00:29:33,400 --> 00:29:35,360
Speaker 1: since I keep her in a positive regard, it's like, yo,

617
00:29:35,440 --> 00:29:38,160
Speaker 1: let's not let's not go back to that cycle. Let's

618
00:29:38,200 --> 00:29:40,480
Speaker 1: just focus on what it is and let's try to

619
00:29:40,520 --> 00:29:42,760
Speaker 1: move forward. And I think it's fear that if we

620
00:29:42,840 --> 00:29:46,200
Speaker 1: understand that it's not even, that's okay too. Everything in

621
00:29:46,240 --> 00:29:49,240
Speaker 1: the marriage is not going to be even. And I've

622
00:29:49,320 --> 00:29:51,800
Speaker 1: accepted that that I love this woman enough, and I

623
00:29:51,800 --> 00:29:53,600
Speaker 1: love her more than anything else. So even when it

624
00:29:53,640 --> 00:29:56,880
Speaker 1: ain't even, and that's what I gotta do, because everything

625
00:29:56,880 --> 00:29:59,160
Speaker 1: ain't even on her side either, Like I ain't had

626
00:29:59,160 --> 00:30:01,600
Speaker 1: to carry no god damn babies. You know what I'm saying,

627
00:30:01,680 --> 00:30:03,200
Speaker 1: That that ain't even you know what I'm saying, I

628
00:30:03,200 --> 00:30:05,520
Speaker 1: don't got to deal with the hormonal stuff. So I

629
00:30:05,600 --> 00:30:09,120
Speaker 1: just think that if we learn to empathize with each

630
00:30:09,160 --> 00:30:12,400
Speaker 1: other and understand that that person really wants the best

631
00:30:12,400 --> 00:30:15,200
Speaker 1: for me, fighting fear is easy because you're not taking

632
00:30:15,200 --> 00:30:15,640
Speaker 1: it personal.

633
00:30:15,720 --> 00:30:20,959
Speaker 6: Yeah, I think as an unlicensed therapist I I'm going

634
00:30:21,000 --> 00:30:21,760
Speaker 6: to talk about.

635
00:30:25,760 --> 00:30:26,720
Speaker 1: I would have seen here.

636
00:30:27,600 --> 00:30:31,280
Speaker 6: Uh. It sounds like both of you really, you know,

637
00:30:31,400 --> 00:30:34,120
Speaker 6: you feel things very deeply, but the way that you

638
00:30:34,160 --> 00:30:36,640
Speaker 6: feel things is different. Like you have a lot of passion,

639
00:30:36,760 --> 00:30:38,280
Speaker 6: you know what I'm saying, and you have a lot

640
00:30:38,320 --> 00:30:41,719
Speaker 6: of empathy. So it seems like when you have conflicts

641
00:30:41,760 --> 00:30:44,000
Speaker 6: sometimes it may be easier for you to get to

642
00:30:44,040 --> 00:30:46,840
Speaker 6: a resolution when you feel what he feels, and it's

643
00:30:46,880 --> 00:30:49,320
Speaker 6: easier for you to bring up a conflict conflict because

644
00:30:49,360 --> 00:30:51,400
Speaker 6: you have so much passion about the relationship.

645
00:30:51,440 --> 00:30:53,520
Speaker 1: Absolutely though, like she literally.

646
00:30:53,240 --> 00:31:04,000
Speaker 8: Just got trouble call trible.

647
00:31:05,920 --> 00:31:06,560
Speaker 3: Yeah, I like.

648
00:31:06,640 --> 00:31:10,400
Speaker 6: That that people pretend to be doctors every day now.

649
00:31:12,680 --> 00:31:14,360
Speaker 1: But you did hit us both on the head there

650
00:31:14,400 --> 00:31:16,840
Speaker 1: because she said that to me. I said, so, you

651
00:31:16,880 --> 00:31:18,440
Speaker 1: know what, I think that is better if I keep

652
00:31:18,480 --> 00:31:21,640
Speaker 1: my opinions to myself. And she literally said to vow,

653
00:31:21,720 --> 00:31:25,080
Speaker 1: you are incapable keeping your hands to yourself, and.

654
00:31:25,480 --> 00:31:27,840
Speaker 2: It described how you laughed out line that because you

655
00:31:27,880 --> 00:31:31,160
Speaker 2: know that you're in case he'll be like, you know what,

656
00:31:31,200 --> 00:31:33,160
Speaker 2: I'm not going to say this. I'm not gonna say that,

657
00:31:33,200 --> 00:31:34,480
Speaker 2: and it could have just been me, it could be

658
00:31:34,560 --> 00:31:37,400
Speaker 2: somebody else, a family member, whatever. I'm not gonna say that.

659
00:31:37,560 --> 00:31:40,280
Speaker 2: I'm gonna let it rock. And I see the naked patience.

660
00:31:41,320 --> 00:31:44,040
Speaker 2: I literally he's like, I'm about to call such and such.

661
00:31:44,040 --> 00:31:48,640
Speaker 2: I'm like you you said you're you are not capable

662
00:31:48,680 --> 00:31:52,480
Speaker 2: of leaving anything.

663
00:31:53,720 --> 00:31:56,040
Speaker 1: That's what happens I'm calling right now.

664
00:31:56,240 --> 00:31:58,840
Speaker 6: But that's why it works, because you compliment each other

665
00:31:58,880 --> 00:32:01,400
Speaker 6: in that way whenever where you're feeling something, you say

666
00:32:01,520 --> 00:32:04,000
Speaker 6: and you're able to jump into action and to like

667
00:32:04,120 --> 00:32:06,600
Speaker 6: help to resolve it because you have the empathy and

668
00:32:06,600 --> 00:32:08,200
Speaker 6: you can feel what he feels and he has the

669
00:32:08,480 --> 00:32:10,320
Speaker 6: you know, the passion that he can get it out.

670
00:32:10,720 --> 00:32:10,920
Speaker 2: Yeah.

671
00:32:11,040 --> 00:32:13,360
Speaker 6: So I feel like that's what makes y'all so complimentary

672
00:32:13,360 --> 00:32:16,000
Speaker 6: to each absolutely, even just outside of conflict.

673
00:32:16,160 --> 00:32:19,880
Speaker 1: Yeah, but this same passion and empathy has been here

674
00:32:19,880 --> 00:32:22,239
Speaker 1: in the first five years of our marriage. It was

675
00:32:22,360 --> 00:32:24,840
Speaker 1: it was well. And I say that so that people

676
00:32:24,920 --> 00:32:28,400
Speaker 1: understand that learning your partner takes time, right, It's not

677
00:32:28,560 --> 00:32:30,880
Speaker 1: we didn't realize that. Yeah, you get married and say

678
00:32:30,880 --> 00:32:32,560
Speaker 1: now we're married, let's go let' learn how to communicate

679
00:32:32,600 --> 00:32:36,440
Speaker 1: effectively tomorrow. That shit don't work. We was, and sometimes

680
00:32:36,520 --> 00:32:39,479
Speaker 1: when we talk about how we used to communicate people

681
00:32:39,720 --> 00:32:41,240
Speaker 1: like people will hear it and be like, oh, they

682
00:32:41,240 --> 00:32:44,440
Speaker 1: were rough, Like, yeah, we were. Most people are rough

683
00:32:44,440 --> 00:32:46,480
Speaker 1: in the very beginning. And then the only reason you

684
00:32:46,560 --> 00:32:49,200
Speaker 1: stay is because you want to be here. Like I

685
00:32:49,240 --> 00:32:51,080
Speaker 1: try to tell people all the time, when we give

686
00:32:51,080 --> 00:32:53,680
Speaker 1: you advice on what works for us, it only works

687
00:32:53,720 --> 00:32:56,320
Speaker 1: because we wanted to be here, not because this advice

688
00:32:56,480 --> 00:33:00,280
Speaker 1: works for everybody. Trure, it only works for us because

689
00:33:00,320 --> 00:33:03,080
Speaker 1: we both want to be right here. So them first

690
00:33:03,160 --> 00:33:05,840
Speaker 1: five years was rough, but again it was worth it.

691
00:33:05,880 --> 00:33:09,960
Speaker 1: Like I do everything I've learned during that time, screaming hollering, cussing,

692
00:33:10,040 --> 00:33:12,080
Speaker 1: being mad. We never left.

693
00:33:12,280 --> 00:33:14,080
Speaker 2: Yeah, I mean you did everything opposite of what I

694
00:33:14,080 --> 00:33:16,040
Speaker 2: would have expected in the very beginning when it came

695
00:33:16,080 --> 00:33:19,160
Speaker 2: to communication only because of my background, Like he was

696
00:33:19,240 --> 00:33:23,600
Speaker 2: tap dancing on my conflict pet peeves every single day.

697
00:33:23,680 --> 00:33:26,800
Speaker 2: I didn't know every single day, And it was just

698
00:33:26,880 --> 00:33:29,640
Speaker 2: I think it was the forwardness that I wasn't accustomed

699
00:33:29,680 --> 00:33:33,080
Speaker 2: to because of my upbringing and like just my family dynamic,

700
00:33:33,200 --> 00:33:36,200
Speaker 2: Like we didn't face conflict head on like that. It's

701
00:33:36,240 --> 00:33:39,400
Speaker 2: kind of like, well it'll blow over to blow over.

702
00:33:39,480 --> 00:33:41,560
Speaker 1: No, No, it wasn't wrong because it's just different.

703
00:33:41,640 --> 00:33:43,760
Speaker 2: It's just different. It's just different. But in the in

704
00:33:43,800 --> 00:33:46,520
Speaker 2: the very beginning, I was just like, you know, you

705
00:33:46,600 --> 00:33:50,640
Speaker 2: were like the Sandman, just like my nigga who has

706
00:33:50,640 --> 00:33:52,800
Speaker 2: a conflict pet peas? Anybody, what are some of your

707
00:33:52,840 --> 00:33:53,240
Speaker 2: pet peeves?

708
00:33:53,480 --> 00:33:57,120
Speaker 6: Yeah, I do. I don't like when people get mean

709
00:33:57,320 --> 00:33:59,320
Speaker 6: or they do say things just for the sake of

710
00:33:59,360 --> 00:34:02,640
Speaker 6: being mean. In conflict, I try my hardest to stick

711
00:34:02,720 --> 00:34:05,160
Speaker 6: to the topic. Let's stick to what we're talking about,

712
00:34:05,480 --> 00:34:07,480
Speaker 6: because as soon as you say something mean, I'm out.

713
00:34:08,560 --> 00:34:10,279
Speaker 6: I'm ready to fight. So and the only thing that

714
00:34:10,360 --> 00:34:12,520
Speaker 6: I can do you know, crash out. True, I'm trying

715
00:34:12,520 --> 00:34:15,600
Speaker 6: to retire her. I got too much to lose. So

716
00:34:15,640 --> 00:34:17,080
Speaker 6: the only thing I can do is block you and

717
00:34:17,120 --> 00:34:19,080
Speaker 6: never speak to you again. And I hate, I hate

718
00:34:19,160 --> 00:34:20,719
Speaker 6: to do that, but I will.

719
00:34:21,160 --> 00:34:21,399
Speaker 1: Yeah.

720
00:34:21,800 --> 00:34:23,520
Speaker 4: So I don't like to argue because it's going gold

721
00:34:23,560 --> 00:34:25,440
Speaker 4: place I don't really want to go. So you know what,

722
00:34:25,520 --> 00:34:27,480
Speaker 4: let's leave this for now. I'll come back with me cool.

723
00:34:27,560 --> 00:34:30,320
Speaker 6: Lets prevail, And I can't hold you in unconditional positive

724
00:34:30,320 --> 00:34:33,640
Speaker 6: regard if I know that you are willing to hurt

725
00:34:33,680 --> 00:34:38,640
Speaker 6: me just because yeah, that's not that's not the kind

726
00:34:38,640 --> 00:34:39,960
Speaker 6: of relationship I want to be in.

727
00:34:40,280 --> 00:34:43,240
Speaker 2: I agree you got any pet pews Josh when it comes.

728
00:34:43,120 --> 00:34:47,440
Speaker 7: To everything said Pete honestly, like not staying on point,

729
00:34:47,920 --> 00:34:51,960
Speaker 7: getting personal and not like not staying on topic and

730
00:34:52,040 --> 00:34:54,359
Speaker 7: what we're talking about, I mean, I want to lose

731
00:34:54,400 --> 00:34:57,799
Speaker 7: it after that, like because are we arguing for the

732
00:34:57,800 --> 00:35:01,760
Speaker 7: sake of arguing or we're just arguing to get somewhere.

733
00:35:02,080 --> 00:35:03,799
Speaker 7: And if you got to call names or you got

734
00:35:03,840 --> 00:35:05,799
Speaker 7: to get personal even just bring up things that are

735
00:35:06,160 --> 00:35:09,000
Speaker 7: completely irrelevant, right, Uh, you sort of lose that. That

736
00:35:09,080 --> 00:35:12,359
Speaker 7: is a pest people of mine. Unfortunately, then I then

737
00:35:12,560 --> 00:35:15,440
Speaker 7: also become somebody else's pet peeve because now I'm like

738
00:35:15,800 --> 00:35:17,080
Speaker 7: angry during the conversation.

739
00:35:18,800 --> 00:35:22,800
Speaker 3: And that's the issue with arguing. It's like it feels

740
00:35:22,800 --> 00:35:23,600
Speaker 3: like there's such an.

741
00:35:23,520 --> 00:35:27,440
Speaker 7: Easy past path to resolution, like in the theory, but

742
00:35:27,520 --> 00:35:29,719
Speaker 7: there's so many especially in a relationship, there's so many

743
00:35:29,800 --> 00:35:32,480
Speaker 7: things and variables and past history and all the stuff

744
00:35:32,480 --> 00:35:33,960
Speaker 7: that can convolute.

745
00:35:34,080 --> 00:35:37,960
Speaker 3: It's like an artery, man, It's like you, yeah, it's

746
00:35:37,960 --> 00:35:38,719
Speaker 3: always build up.

747
00:35:39,920 --> 00:35:41,440
Speaker 2: I just want you say bringing up old stuff too,

748
00:35:41,440 --> 00:35:42,680
Speaker 2: because I was going to say one of my pet

749
00:35:42,719 --> 00:35:46,160
Speaker 2: peeves is like bringing up old ship. But I and

750
00:35:46,400 --> 00:35:49,200
Speaker 2: it's hard because I understand, like you have to reference

751
00:35:49,239 --> 00:35:52,160
Speaker 2: what has happened sometimes in order to like address it

752
00:35:52,200 --> 00:35:54,440
Speaker 2: and then move forward. But think about something that you

753
00:35:54,480 --> 00:35:56,480
Speaker 2: may have gotten over, you know what I'm saying, Like

754
00:35:56,680 --> 00:36:03,400
Speaker 2: you just just for example, somebody somebody got caught texting

755
00:36:04,000 --> 00:36:07,480
Speaker 2: you know, somebody of the opposite sex, and it.

756
00:36:06,680 --> 00:36:11,719
Speaker 1: So before y'all know this is hypothetical, but you know

757
00:36:11,719 --> 00:36:14,640
Speaker 1: how people say, my friend spring No, No, I.

758
00:36:14,640 --> 00:36:16,880
Speaker 2: Really am just like trying to think of something that.

759
00:36:16,760 --> 00:36:19,799
Speaker 6: I wish that would get caught texting somebody. I would

760
00:36:19,840 --> 00:36:21,480
Speaker 6: go back in my phone, like you didn't text me

761
00:36:21,520 --> 00:36:25,800
Speaker 6: back on Horble.

762
00:36:27,440 --> 00:36:29,200
Speaker 1: Stayed here last night and he texted me and out

763
00:36:29,239 --> 00:36:31,000
Speaker 1: and text him back and we watched the whole fucking

764
00:36:31,000 --> 00:36:32,960
Speaker 1: game and I just texted him this morning. Oh, I

765
00:36:32,960 --> 00:36:35,399
Speaker 1: got to respond to this about the clips. I am

766
00:36:35,440 --> 00:36:36,520
Speaker 1: horrible with texting.

767
00:36:38,239 --> 00:36:44,360
Speaker 2: Anxiety, speaking say someone word to like, get caught texting

768
00:36:44,400 --> 00:36:48,000
Speaker 2: somebody else inappropriately, whatever. And then you deal with that

769
00:36:48,120 --> 00:36:51,000
Speaker 2: in that moment, right, you say that you're over it,

770
00:36:51,400 --> 00:36:52,239
Speaker 2: and then we move on.

771
00:36:53,040 --> 00:36:53,640
Speaker 6: And then you.

772
00:36:53,640 --> 00:36:55,879
Speaker 2: Jogged us up a year later and be like, well

773
00:36:55,880 --> 00:36:58,680
Speaker 2: that's why that time when you did, and it's just like, okay,

774
00:36:58,880 --> 00:37:00,560
Speaker 2: did we not agree that we dealt with this and

775
00:37:00,640 --> 00:37:03,200
Speaker 2: we've moved on, and then now you're bringing it up again,

776
00:37:05,400 --> 00:37:06,319
Speaker 2: like you're never letting it go.

777
00:37:06,480 --> 00:37:08,400
Speaker 4: But what if you exhibited some of the same behaviors

778
00:37:08,520 --> 00:37:08,960
Speaker 4: that you would do.

779
00:37:09,000 --> 00:37:11,080
Speaker 1: That's why she hates when I do it. That's why

780
00:37:11,120 --> 00:37:13,320
Speaker 1: she hates when I do it, because what I'm.

781
00:37:13,120 --> 00:37:15,520
Speaker 2: Saying, because you have to reference old things too.

782
00:37:15,719 --> 00:37:16,680
Speaker 6: Right, And I agree.

783
00:37:16,760 --> 00:37:18,479
Speaker 1: I think that's just your pet peebe Like you said,

784
00:37:18,480 --> 00:37:20,880
Speaker 1: accountability used to be hard for you. So it's like

785
00:37:20,880 --> 00:37:23,320
Speaker 1: when you bring up something she wasn't accountable for she

786
00:37:23,520 --> 00:37:25,120
Speaker 1: thinks that I'm trying to attack her.

787
00:37:25,520 --> 00:37:27,040
Speaker 2: I'm trying to be better. So it's like I don't

788
00:37:27,040 --> 00:37:28,600
Speaker 2: want to be reminded every time of all the things

789
00:37:28,640 --> 00:37:31,200
Speaker 2: I did wrong. Like I'm really trying to be better,

790
00:37:31,280 --> 00:37:32,960
Speaker 2: so let me give me a chance to be better.

791
00:37:32,960 --> 00:37:34,920
Speaker 1: You know what I'm saying, right, But also in you

792
00:37:35,040 --> 00:37:37,640
Speaker 1: trying to be better, sometimes the references is that it

793
00:37:37,719 --> 00:37:39,839
Speaker 1: made me feel that way, and it's making me feel

794
00:37:39,880 --> 00:37:42,080
Speaker 1: that way. You get and even though you're trying to

795
00:37:42,080 --> 00:37:44,960
Speaker 1: be better, I have to still live through that, and

796
00:37:45,239 --> 00:37:47,600
Speaker 1: it's a certain amount of patience. And this is they're

797
00:37:47,680 --> 00:37:50,279
Speaker 1: not the analogy I use. If I slap you in

798
00:37:50,280 --> 00:37:52,279
Speaker 1: the face and then I apologize and say I'm trying

799
00:37:52,320 --> 00:37:53,960
Speaker 1: to be better, but then tomorrow I'll slap you in

800
00:37:54,000 --> 00:37:57,759
Speaker 1: the face again and I apologize. You can't say, don't

801
00:37:57,840 --> 00:38:00,239
Speaker 1: you know, don't remind me that I slapped you. Yes, today,

802
00:38:00,280 --> 00:38:02,120
Speaker 1: I got to remind you because you did it before.

803
00:38:02,160 --> 00:38:03,760
Speaker 2: You know what, I'm right or I'm feeling the effects

804
00:38:03,760 --> 00:38:05,440
Speaker 2: of it now. Yeah, That's why I said. It was

805
00:38:05,480 --> 00:38:07,719
Speaker 2: like a two sided thing for me, because sometimes you

806
00:38:07,760 --> 00:38:10,000
Speaker 2: don't you don't want history to repeat itself, so you

807
00:38:10,080 --> 00:38:12,920
Speaker 2: have to reference it, but at the same time, it's like,

808
00:38:12,960 --> 00:38:14,160
Speaker 2: are we gonna keep bringing it up?

809
00:38:14,200 --> 00:38:15,719
Speaker 6: So that was one of my past you know, they

810
00:38:15,760 --> 00:38:18,960
Speaker 6: say the body keeps the score. Sometimes those things that

811
00:38:19,000 --> 00:38:21,560
Speaker 6: happened in the past, they like live in your your

812
00:38:21,600 --> 00:38:24,440
Speaker 6: bones now for sure. And so when certain things come up,

813
00:38:24,480 --> 00:38:26,640
Speaker 6: then you start to feel unsafe, You start to feel

814
00:38:26,640 --> 00:38:28,719
Speaker 6: fight or flight. You start to like go back to

815
00:38:28,760 --> 00:38:32,120
Speaker 6: a previous version of yourself that didn't feel acknowledged or

816
00:38:32,160 --> 00:38:34,600
Speaker 6: safe for whatever it was in a relationship. Because I know,

817
00:38:35,719 --> 00:38:38,000
Speaker 6: ten times out of ten I'm bringing it up, I'm

818
00:38:38,000 --> 00:38:40,320
Speaker 6: bringing it up again. It's coming back around.

819
00:38:41,320 --> 00:38:42,280
Speaker 3: So you know what I'm saying.

820
00:38:42,920 --> 00:38:44,240
Speaker 2: If you don't want to hear.

821
00:38:44,080 --> 00:38:46,880
Speaker 6: It, don't do it. Don't because it's coming the fuck up.

822
00:38:47,880 --> 00:38:48,160
Speaker 2: Lie to you.

823
00:38:48,560 --> 00:38:50,680
Speaker 1: I'm in agreement with that, right, Oh.

824
00:38:50,640 --> 00:38:52,479
Speaker 2: Y'all agreeing on something. I love that for y'all.

825
00:38:52,680 --> 00:38:55,000
Speaker 1: Oh my gosh. This is one thing I'll say. This

826
00:38:55,080 --> 00:38:56,560
Speaker 1: is one thing I'll say about Trouble that I can

827
00:38:56,640 --> 00:38:57,400
Speaker 1: I honestly.

828
00:38:57,120 --> 00:38:58,320
Speaker 2: Appreciate you guys are fair.

829
00:38:58,560 --> 00:39:01,480
Speaker 1: We can we can have a drag out argument and

830
00:39:01,520 --> 00:39:03,840
Speaker 1: be batshit crazy with each other, but I know that

831
00:39:03,920 --> 00:39:05,719
Speaker 1: Trouble wants the best for me, and she knows I

832
00:39:05,800 --> 00:39:07,920
Speaker 1: want the best for her. But that's keeping the person

833
00:39:07,920 --> 00:39:10,640
Speaker 1: in a positive regard. We don't have to agree, that's it.

834
00:39:10,719 --> 00:39:14,200
Speaker 1: One of my pet peeves is that if we disagree,

835
00:39:14,840 --> 00:39:16,759
Speaker 1: now you don't like me and I don't like you. Yeah,

836
00:39:16,800 --> 00:39:19,120
Speaker 1: why do we have to be I don't because our

837
00:39:19,239 --> 00:39:23,839
Speaker 1: ideologies don't always line up. Like, our ideologies are never

838
00:39:23,960 --> 00:39:26,319
Speaker 1: always gonna line up, and we all have to learn

839
00:39:26,360 --> 00:39:28,120
Speaker 1: how to be super mature with saying, you know what,

840
00:39:28,160 --> 00:39:31,120
Speaker 1: that person just thinks differently, not that that person is

841
00:39:31,120 --> 00:39:33,080
Speaker 1: a bad person or it gets to be called the name,

842
00:39:33,160 --> 00:39:35,560
Speaker 1: it's just they think differently. Yeah, there's one pet peeve

843
00:39:35,600 --> 00:39:35,840
Speaker 1: for me.

844
00:39:35,920 --> 00:39:38,359
Speaker 6: It is that that's a really good point. I'm glad

845
00:39:38,400 --> 00:39:41,799
Speaker 6: you brought up us arguing because we often do get

846
00:39:41,800 --> 00:39:45,200
Speaker 6: into knock down, drag out debates where we are just

847
00:39:45,239 --> 00:39:47,880
Speaker 6: like so passionate about our point of view. Yeah, but

848
00:39:48,320 --> 00:39:51,879
Speaker 6: I think that one we always are respectful to each other.

849
00:39:51,880 --> 00:39:54,799
Speaker 6: There's never been a time where I can't we have

850
00:39:54,920 --> 00:39:57,600
Speaker 6: said anything mean to each other or gotten personal or anything.

851
00:39:57,640 --> 00:39:59,279
Speaker 6: We always keep it on topic and we say we

852
00:39:59,320 --> 00:40:00,640
Speaker 6: got to say and then we walk away from a

853
00:40:00,640 --> 00:40:05,400
Speaker 6: situation like okay, actually now I understand more about your perspective,

854
00:40:05,480 --> 00:40:07,440
Speaker 6: or I understand more about you as a person, because

855
00:40:07,480 --> 00:40:11,239
Speaker 6: I definitely understand more about your perspective when certain things

856
00:40:11,280 --> 00:40:14,279
Speaker 6: come up. And just like how as a man you think,

857
00:40:14,360 --> 00:40:16,680
Speaker 6: even if you know some things that we talk about,

858
00:40:16,680 --> 00:40:18,200
Speaker 6: in my head, I'm like the value, you would never

859
00:40:18,280 --> 00:40:20,480
Speaker 6: do that yourself. So why are you even arguing me

860
00:40:20,520 --> 00:40:24,239
Speaker 6: about this? But now I understand your perspective just as

861
00:40:24,239 --> 00:40:27,320
Speaker 6: a man and as a person who believes in fairness.

862
00:40:27,360 --> 00:40:29,160
Speaker 6: You know what I'm saying, and believes in certain things.

863
00:40:29,200 --> 00:40:32,160
Speaker 6: So I feel like we fight right. He might want

864
00:40:32,160 --> 00:40:33,200
Speaker 6: to teach a class on it.

865
00:40:33,239 --> 00:40:35,320
Speaker 1: If we didn't fight right, we wouldn't be able to

866
00:40:35,320 --> 00:40:35,759
Speaker 1: work together.

867
00:40:35,800 --> 00:40:38,239
Speaker 2: For you also care about the relationship, which is back

868
00:40:38,239 --> 00:40:40,120
Speaker 2: to the root of what you're saying. Yeah, you want

869
00:40:40,160 --> 00:40:41,880
Speaker 2: to be together in that sense, and.

870
00:40:41,680 --> 00:40:44,239
Speaker 6: We have an unconditional positive regard for each other. I

871
00:40:44,280 --> 00:40:47,120
Speaker 6: absolutely know in those instances we're not arguing to try

872
00:40:47,160 --> 00:40:49,120
Speaker 6: to hurt each other or because we don't want to listen.

873
00:40:49,560 --> 00:40:52,080
Speaker 6: We're arguing because both of us genuinely think that we

874
00:40:52,560 --> 00:40:53,120
Speaker 6: know everything.

875
00:40:54,440 --> 00:40:59,040
Speaker 1: Absolutely. I honestly believe that I know everything that I know, yeah, exactly,

876
00:40:59,160 --> 00:41:01,200
Speaker 1: And I know what I I know that I don't

877
00:41:01,239 --> 00:41:03,799
Speaker 1: know everything, but I know what I do know, And

878
00:41:03,840 --> 00:41:05,279
Speaker 1: if you're going to change my mind or what I

879
00:41:05,320 --> 00:41:07,040
Speaker 1: do know, you're gonna have to come with some facts.

880
00:41:07,120 --> 00:41:08,880
Speaker 1: That's what I think that that's healthy. Though, how do

881
00:41:08,920 --> 00:41:12,240
Speaker 1: we how do we as people learn about the world

882
00:41:12,280 --> 00:41:13,600
Speaker 1: if we don't learn how to fight?

883
00:41:13,719 --> 00:41:13,879
Speaker 4: Right?

884
00:41:14,520 --> 00:41:16,920
Speaker 1: Like, people shouldn't be allowed to just sit in near

885
00:41:16,960 --> 00:41:20,160
Speaker 1: own thoughts and ideology and not be challenged. We should

886
00:41:20,239 --> 00:41:22,840
Speaker 1: be able to challenge any ideology and be able to

887
00:41:22,880 --> 00:41:24,480
Speaker 1: walk away as a man or a woman and say,

888
00:41:24,480 --> 00:41:25,680
Speaker 1: you know what, I didn't think like that.

889
00:41:26,160 --> 00:41:28,919
Speaker 2: How do you think this pertains to even just like say,

890
00:41:29,000 --> 00:41:32,400
Speaker 2: friendship relationships, right, because Devell and I spoke recently about

891
00:41:32,880 --> 00:41:37,520
Speaker 2: just outgrowing certain friends, certain groups of friends, you know,

892
00:41:37,640 --> 00:41:40,160
Speaker 2: just with time, with mindset, we're just don't have the

893
00:41:40,160 --> 00:41:43,160
Speaker 2: same things in common anymore. So when it comes to

894
00:41:43,320 --> 00:41:46,200
Speaker 2: not necessarily fighting, but just even communicating within those friendships

895
00:41:46,200 --> 00:41:48,319
Speaker 2: and relationships, Like, how do you know when somebody has

896
00:41:48,960 --> 00:41:51,439
Speaker 2: a relationship like that has ran its course or maybe

897
00:41:51,480 --> 00:41:54,080
Speaker 2: there was a fracture in the relationship because of communication

898
00:41:54,200 --> 00:41:55,759
Speaker 2: that just made you feel like, you know what this

899
00:41:55,800 --> 00:41:58,279
Speaker 2: person is not even like on my level anymore when

900
00:41:58,320 --> 00:41:59,920
Speaker 2: it comes to communication, how do you know when to

901
00:42:00,040 --> 00:42:03,160
Speaker 2: walk away from relationships like that? More friendship and family

902
00:42:03,200 --> 00:42:03,800
Speaker 2: type ones.

903
00:42:04,800 --> 00:42:07,840
Speaker 6: Yeah, I had a friend who I was friends with

904
00:42:07,880 --> 00:42:11,879
Speaker 6: for a very long time, and uh, we got into

905
00:42:11,920 --> 00:42:15,680
Speaker 6: an argument that seemingly was like not about anything in

906
00:42:15,760 --> 00:42:18,480
Speaker 6: my head, Like I said that I was going to

907
00:42:18,520 --> 00:42:21,799
Speaker 6: a class or yeah, like a workout class, and she

908
00:42:21,920 --> 00:42:24,480
Speaker 6: mentioned like a gem that I never said, and I'm like,

909
00:42:24,480 --> 00:42:27,160
Speaker 6: why would you think that, Like I've never mentioned that before.

910
00:42:27,239 --> 00:42:29,200
Speaker 6: And then she was like, you're a bully. I'm like

911
00:42:29,239 --> 00:42:31,960
Speaker 6: a bully and she would like and we were on

912
00:42:32,000 --> 00:42:34,759
Speaker 6: the phone and she was just like going off so

913
00:42:35,040 --> 00:42:36,480
Speaker 6: bad that I had to be like, I'm gonna call

914
00:42:36,520 --> 00:42:38,480
Speaker 6: you back. I'm not about to argue with you. And

915
00:42:38,520 --> 00:42:40,920
Speaker 6: I can't even we can't talk like adults. So I

916
00:42:41,000 --> 00:42:42,960
Speaker 6: hung up the phone. And then she started texting me,

917
00:42:45,120 --> 00:42:47,160
Speaker 6: you know yeah, and then so I'm like, well, if

918
00:42:47,200 --> 00:42:49,080
Speaker 6: you think I'm a bully, you can't be friends. I

919
00:42:49,080 --> 00:42:51,279
Speaker 6: don't think i'm a bully, and so I can't change it,

920
00:42:51,320 --> 00:42:53,480
Speaker 6: and you can't be friends with your bully, sweetie. And

921
00:42:53,520 --> 00:42:55,080
Speaker 6: I blocked her and I never talked to her again.

922
00:42:55,719 --> 00:42:59,799
Speaker 6: But I found out later that she wasn't even mad

923
00:42:59,840 --> 00:43:01,919
Speaker 6: of it, that she was mad about something else because

924
00:43:01,960 --> 00:43:05,600
Speaker 6: I set a boundary with her that she didn't respect.

925
00:43:05,800 --> 00:43:09,279
Speaker 6: And then it became like clear to me that this

926
00:43:09,360 --> 00:43:12,759
Speaker 6: person is not able to respect my boundaries period. They

927
00:43:12,760 --> 00:43:15,560
Speaker 6: don't have any intention on ever respecting any boundary that

928
00:43:15,600 --> 00:43:18,160
Speaker 6: I set. And I don't want to be friends with

929
00:43:18,200 --> 00:43:21,000
Speaker 6: that type of person who thinks that they can trample

930
00:43:21,040 --> 00:43:23,680
Speaker 6: over my boundaries. That is actually what a bully is,

931
00:43:24,160 --> 00:43:26,600
Speaker 6: you know, And anybody that's going to try to convince

932
00:43:26,680 --> 00:43:29,600
Speaker 6: you that you are a bad person or try to

933
00:43:29,600 --> 00:43:32,319
Speaker 6: come after your character because they don't want to honor

934
00:43:32,400 --> 00:43:34,840
Speaker 6: a boundary that you set, it's not somebody that you

935
00:43:34,880 --> 00:43:35,960
Speaker 6: want to be in a relationship with.

936
00:43:36,080 --> 00:43:40,880
Speaker 1: Yeah, I agree, it's simple for me. You gotta want

937
00:43:40,920 --> 00:43:42,399
Speaker 1: to be here as much as I want to be here,

938
00:43:43,440 --> 00:43:45,200
Speaker 1: you know, and put forth the effort. That doesn't mean

939
00:43:45,239 --> 00:43:47,879
Speaker 1: you got to be perfect. You know, me and Josh

940
00:43:47,920 --> 00:43:50,880
Speaker 1: have had our arguments and disagreements, but I love Josh.

941
00:43:50,960 --> 00:43:53,560
Speaker 1: I know Josh loves me like we gonna. Sometimes we

942
00:43:53,640 --> 00:43:57,440
Speaker 1: have disagreements, but that's just all it is. You know,

943
00:43:57,520 --> 00:44:00,400
Speaker 1: it can never get personal once it gets personal like me,

944
00:44:00,480 --> 00:44:02,680
Speaker 1: I don't funk with then now it's like WHOA, how

945
00:44:02,800 --> 00:44:06,839
Speaker 1: we get there? We we're arguing about pictures or are

946
00:44:06,840 --> 00:44:09,920
Speaker 1: we arguing about dinner? And now it's an anger? No,

947
00:44:10,160 --> 00:44:13,840
Speaker 1: that's that means there's something deeper there. And at forty

948
00:44:14,200 --> 00:44:18,600
Speaker 1: years old, I'm not interested in being anyone's therapist. So

949
00:44:18,640 --> 00:44:20,920
Speaker 1: it's like, Yo, if I cause you that much trauma,

950
00:44:21,800 --> 00:44:24,439
Speaker 1: I'll backwass on me. I have friends in college that

951
00:44:24,440 --> 00:44:26,720
Speaker 1: that's like that now that I keep a distance because, Hey,

952
00:44:26,920 --> 00:44:28,680
Speaker 1: if I cause you trauma because of the way I

953
00:44:28,680 --> 00:44:30,319
Speaker 1: am and I don't think I'm doing anything wrong, I'll

954
00:44:30,320 --> 00:44:31,680
Speaker 1: do you a favor and I'll stay away.

955
00:44:31,800 --> 00:44:34,400
Speaker 6: Yeah, are you true? That's very true?

956
00:44:34,440 --> 00:44:37,359
Speaker 2: I love that. All Right, this is a really nice

957
00:44:37,360 --> 00:44:40,160
Speaker 2: little conversation. I hope you guys got some tips and

958
00:44:40,840 --> 00:44:43,440
Speaker 2: tidbits from this, because if the relationship is worth it,

959
00:44:43,480 --> 00:44:44,960
Speaker 2: if it makes sense for you, if it's something that

960
00:44:45,000 --> 00:44:48,200
Speaker 2: you want to continue to partake in, I think this

961
00:44:48,280 --> 00:44:50,160
Speaker 2: is These are some of the steps that you can

962
00:44:50,200 --> 00:44:55,319
Speaker 2: definitely take to keep that relationship thriving and growing. All right, Well,

963
00:44:55,320 --> 00:44:57,480
Speaker 2: we want to continue to thrive and grow, pay some

964
00:44:57,520 --> 00:45:01,720
Speaker 2: bills and we'll be back with our Listener Letter episode

965
00:45:01,760 --> 00:45:03,640
Speaker 2: of the day, So stick around, we'll be right back.

966
00:45:17,400 --> 00:45:19,520
Speaker 2: All right, and we're back. Let me dive right into

967
00:45:19,560 --> 00:45:23,000
Speaker 2: this listener letter for today. Dear Kadeen and Deval, I'd

968
00:45:23,000 --> 00:45:26,200
Speaker 2: love your perspective on something. My boyfriend has a female

969
00:45:26,200 --> 00:45:30,040
Speaker 2: friend he's had passed flirtation with before we got together.

970
00:45:30,640 --> 00:45:33,520
Speaker 2: Since we've been dating, I haven't seen anything suspicious, but

971
00:45:33,800 --> 00:45:35,680
Speaker 2: they still check in with each other from time to

972
00:45:35,719 --> 00:45:38,080
Speaker 2: time via text or phone call, and he's told me

973
00:45:38,080 --> 00:45:40,880
Speaker 2: that they're simply just friends. On Mother's Day, he wished

974
00:45:40,880 --> 00:45:43,560
Speaker 2: her well and she replied thank you with the little

975
00:45:43,800 --> 00:45:47,719
Speaker 2: heart emoji. I told him the situation makes me uncomfortable

976
00:45:47,719 --> 00:45:50,560
Speaker 2: and asked if he could distance himself from that friendship

977
00:45:50,600 --> 00:45:53,120
Speaker 2: out of respect for our relationship. He told me he

978
00:45:53,160 --> 00:45:55,480
Speaker 2: wouldn't cut her off and that he's not choosing me

979
00:45:55,800 --> 00:45:59,759
Speaker 2: or her, and was even willing to end our relationship

980
00:45:59,800 --> 00:46:03,520
Speaker 2: if it came to it. My question is, how do

981
00:46:03,560 --> 00:46:07,439
Speaker 2: you balance respecting your partner's feelings with maintaining long term

982
00:46:07,480 --> 00:46:10,879
Speaker 2: friendships with people you've had past flirtation or dealings with,

983
00:46:11,520 --> 00:46:14,040
Speaker 2: And in a situation like this, is my discomfort something

984
00:46:14,080 --> 00:46:16,799
Speaker 2: he should take more seriously or is that something I

985
00:46:16,840 --> 00:46:20,840
Speaker 2: need to work on through my own Yes, girl, that's you.

986
00:46:20,840 --> 00:46:23,359
Speaker 6: You were insecure.

987
00:46:23,800 --> 00:46:28,799
Speaker 2: Is not his responsibility to make you secure. You have

988
00:46:28,880 --> 00:46:32,160
Speaker 2: to be secure within yourself as first personally, I didn't

989
00:46:32,160 --> 00:46:34,319
Speaker 2: see anything wrong here. Thank you with the little heart thing.

990
00:46:35,480 --> 00:46:38,840
Speaker 2: People use emojis all the time. I think your insecurity

991
00:46:38,880 --> 00:46:41,359
Speaker 2: is probably allowing you to read into this a bit

992
00:46:41,400 --> 00:46:46,719
Speaker 2: more than it is. And if he is like what

993
00:46:46,840 --> 00:46:48,480
Speaker 2: I think most guys would be like, or deval has

994
00:46:48,480 --> 00:46:50,319
Speaker 2: actually been like this in the very very past, because

995
00:46:50,320 --> 00:46:52,200
Speaker 2: I mean this is twenty three years in. I think

996
00:46:52,200 --> 00:46:54,400
Speaker 2: there's been a girl or two where I was just like, well,

997
00:46:54,400 --> 00:46:57,719
Speaker 2: what's going on with y'all? And I would pretty much

998
00:46:57,760 --> 00:47:01,040
Speaker 2: try to demand that he not speaks to this person anymore,

999
00:47:01,320 --> 00:47:03,959
Speaker 2: and that in turn made him further want to speak

1000
00:47:03,960 --> 00:47:06,960
Speaker 2: to this person more. So, sometimes just putting that restraint

1001
00:47:07,000 --> 00:47:10,879
Speaker 2: on someone or giving them an ultimatum is already off

1002
00:47:10,880 --> 00:47:13,239
Speaker 2: putting in itself, and they're going to probably want to

1003
00:47:13,320 --> 00:47:15,600
Speaker 2: just double down on that just for the sake of

1004
00:47:15,640 --> 00:47:17,840
Speaker 2: doing it. And then it becomes an issue of doubling

1005
00:47:17,840 --> 00:47:19,680
Speaker 2: down on the ultimatum and not even what the root

1006
00:47:19,719 --> 00:47:22,160
Speaker 2: cause was, which is your discomfort with this friendship.

1007
00:47:22,480 --> 00:47:25,279
Speaker 1: So absolutely true. And some people just don't want to

1008
00:47:25,320 --> 00:47:28,319
Speaker 1: be controlled me for example, I don't want to be controlled, yeah,

1009
00:47:28,320 --> 00:47:30,439
Speaker 1: And I don't want to control you. I don't want

1010
00:47:30,440 --> 00:47:32,239
Speaker 1: to have to go through your phone and say don't

1011
00:47:32,239 --> 00:47:34,120
Speaker 1: talk to him and him and him and her and him,

1012
00:47:34,400 --> 00:47:36,120
Speaker 1: Because if that's the case, then what are we really

1013
00:47:36,160 --> 00:47:39,200
Speaker 1: doing here. I want you to choose the things that

1014
00:47:39,280 --> 00:47:41,399
Speaker 1: you feel would be comfortable for me on your own.

1015
00:47:41,960 --> 00:47:44,080
Speaker 1: That's how we know we're in this together. If I

1016
00:47:44,080 --> 00:47:46,759
Speaker 1: got to tell you and demand things, then I'm more

1017
00:47:46,800 --> 00:47:49,080
Speaker 1: like a warden, not a partner for sure. And I'm

1018
00:47:49,080 --> 00:47:49,520
Speaker 1: not with that.

1019
00:47:49,600 --> 00:47:51,920
Speaker 2: Yeah, you even said you haven't seen anything suspicious. They

1020
00:47:52,000 --> 00:47:54,000
Speaker 2: check it from time to time phone call of text.

1021
00:47:54,480 --> 00:47:56,160
Speaker 2: To me, it gives your checking it on a friend

1022
00:47:56,280 --> 00:47:58,560
Speaker 2: even if there was something flirtatious in the past. If

1023
00:47:58,600 --> 00:48:00,279
Speaker 2: he's not acting on it, she's not acting on it,

1024
00:48:00,320 --> 00:48:04,399
Speaker 2: you don't have anything tangible that's showing any kind of disrespect.

1025
00:48:05,320 --> 00:48:07,080
Speaker 2: I think that might be more of a you problem.

1026
00:48:07,400 --> 00:48:10,799
Speaker 1: Also, the truth is people can have flirtations in the

1027
00:48:10,840 --> 00:48:14,240
Speaker 1: past with people. When you meet someone that's your one,

1028
00:48:14,800 --> 00:48:18,720
Speaker 1: all those other things don't don't matter. There there are women,

1029
00:48:18,920 --> 00:48:21,520
Speaker 1: and are women who I'm still attracted to who I'm like,

1030
00:48:21,560 --> 00:48:24,520
Speaker 1: watch a beautiful woman, but will never get my attention

1031
00:48:24,600 --> 00:48:25,359
Speaker 1: away from my wife.

1032
00:48:25,440 --> 00:48:26,640
Speaker 2: It's just acting with men, you.

1033
00:48:26,640 --> 00:48:27,200
Speaker 1: Know what I'm saying.

1034
00:48:27,200 --> 00:48:29,440
Speaker 2: They always say you're not married, You just married, you not.

1035
00:48:29,520 --> 00:48:33,080
Speaker 1: Did like you can't expect that just to go away.

1036
00:48:33,120 --> 00:48:35,239
Speaker 1: It's immature as young as you know what I'm saying,

1037
00:48:35,280 --> 00:48:37,759
Speaker 1: and it takes time to get through that for sure,

1038
00:48:37,800 --> 00:48:39,520
Speaker 1: because you and I have went through that thing early on, and.

1039
00:48:40,120 --> 00:48:42,640
Speaker 2: I wonder how they are. Sounds like a young, young

1040
00:48:42,840 --> 00:48:46,600
Speaker 2: young person went through that problem, you.

1041
00:48:46,560 --> 00:48:48,200
Speaker 1: Know what I'm saying. That hasn't been a problem for

1042
00:48:48,320 --> 00:48:51,239
Speaker 1: us and a long but in college, nineteen year old

1043
00:48:51,280 --> 00:48:53,080
Speaker 1: delver there right?

1044
00:48:53,280 --> 00:48:56,120
Speaker 2: Why are you looking at you your Facebook messages?

1045
00:48:56,239 --> 00:48:59,239
Speaker 1: You know? My nigga's looking at you all the time

1046
00:48:59,520 --> 00:49:02,040
Speaker 1: because they what do you expect them to do?

1047
00:49:02,160 --> 00:49:02,279
Speaker 6: Now?

1048
00:49:02,320 --> 00:49:04,720
Speaker 1: I look the other way. It's like the most imagoy.

1049
00:49:05,120 --> 00:49:06,040
Speaker 4: I can't stand that.

1050
00:49:07,719 --> 00:49:07,920
Speaker 5: It is.

1051
00:49:08,920 --> 00:49:12,880
Speaker 6: It feels more important to be trying to cultivate a

1052
00:49:12,920 --> 00:49:16,640
Speaker 6: relationship with a man you can trust and cultivate trust

1053
00:49:16,640 --> 00:49:20,160
Speaker 6: between you. Trust isn't something that is automatic. It is

1054
00:49:20,200 --> 00:49:23,919
Speaker 6: something that builds over time through small efforts. I think

1055
00:49:24,320 --> 00:49:27,839
Speaker 6: Brene Brown maybe she said that trust is like it's

1056
00:49:27,880 --> 00:49:31,120
Speaker 6: like having a jar and every time somebody does something

1057
00:49:31,760 --> 00:49:35,120
Speaker 6: that like kind of builds trust with you, they like

1058
00:49:35,239 --> 00:49:37,760
Speaker 6: put a deposit into the jar. That's how you build

1059
00:49:37,840 --> 00:49:40,920
Speaker 6: trust with somebody. And so one I don't I feel

1060
00:49:40,920 --> 00:49:44,839
Speaker 6: like her trust from him is fractured because of her

1061
00:49:44,880 --> 00:49:48,360
Speaker 6: own insecurities, and his trust from her is fractured because

1062
00:49:48,400 --> 00:49:52,160
Speaker 6: of her own. So you gotta freaking work on that.

1063
00:49:52,280 --> 00:49:56,880
Speaker 6: And personally, if a girl that I like is like

1064
00:49:57,040 --> 00:49:59,719
Speaker 6: even dating somebody else, like we're casually dating, but I

1065
00:49:59,800 --> 00:50:02,680
Speaker 6: like her, I'm stepping my game all the way up.

1066
00:50:02,960 --> 00:50:03,680
Speaker 6: You know what I'm saying.

1067
00:50:03,800 --> 00:50:04,560
Speaker 1: You're gonna choose me?

1068
00:50:04,680 --> 00:50:10,480
Speaker 2: Yeah, to the top right period, like that, watching that

1069
00:50:11,000 --> 00:50:11,520
Speaker 2: block that.

1070
00:50:11,640 --> 00:50:13,440
Speaker 6: Yeah black, you don't even got a black R right now,

1071
00:50:13,480 --> 00:50:14,120
Speaker 6: but you will?

1072
00:50:14,360 --> 00:50:14,759
Speaker 3: You will?

1073
00:50:14,880 --> 00:50:16,200
Speaker 6: You will, don't you want to?

1074
00:50:16,520 --> 00:50:19,240
Speaker 1: Yeah, that's that's exactly.

1075
00:50:19,000 --> 00:50:21,399
Speaker 2: That's exactly how I felt. I was just like, oh, yeah,

1076
00:50:22,000 --> 00:50:24,800
Speaker 2: you want to send a little text. You think you're cute, Okay,

1077
00:50:24,800 --> 00:50:25,760
Speaker 2: I'm gonna show you cute.

1078
00:50:25,840 --> 00:50:28,439
Speaker 1: One thing I will say, I doubled down, like hell,

1079
00:50:28,560 --> 00:50:31,640
Speaker 1: when we first met, I was dating somebody else. Condeen

1080
00:50:31,680 --> 00:50:33,560
Speaker 1: adin't give me no ultimatum. She was just like, yo,

1081
00:50:34,280 --> 00:50:36,040
Speaker 1: I don't want to be nobody's number two. You could

1082
00:50:36,040 --> 00:50:38,160
Speaker 1: do what you want to do. I'm out out and

1083
00:50:38,200 --> 00:50:43,640
Speaker 1: I was like, you know what I'm saying. But it

1084
00:50:43,760 --> 00:50:46,120
Speaker 1: wasn't no text messages and phone calls are you going to?

1085
00:50:46,200 --> 00:50:48,840
Speaker 1: It was just like this, either you choose me or

1086
00:50:48,840 --> 00:50:49,240
Speaker 1: you don't.

1087
00:50:49,400 --> 00:50:51,400
Speaker 2: Yeah, it's just what it was. You know, it was unexpected.

1088
00:50:51,440 --> 00:50:53,000
Speaker 2: We didn't expect to end up like this, but it

1089
00:50:53,040 --> 00:50:54,840
Speaker 2: was just like, yo, and I know I was catching

1090
00:50:54,880 --> 00:50:57,160
Speaker 2: some feelings feelings, so I'm like, Okay, before I get

1091
00:50:57,160 --> 00:51:00,000
Speaker 2: too deep in this, I'm about to because I wasn't

1092
00:51:00,040 --> 00:51:02,319
Speaker 2: about to tell him go break things off or you know,

1093
00:51:02,400 --> 00:51:05,080
Speaker 2: if you were in limbo, I can't be the decision

1094
00:51:05,239 --> 00:51:07,960
Speaker 2: maker or the factor. So I just removed myself from it.

1095
00:51:08,040 --> 00:51:10,840
Speaker 1: And I will say this, you never had any jealous

1096
00:51:11,040 --> 00:51:14,439
Speaker 1: jealousy towards that person or any of my exits after that. Now.

1097
00:51:14,480 --> 00:51:16,560
Speaker 1: She was never a bitch. She was never like I

1098
00:51:16,640 --> 00:51:19,520
Speaker 1: want this. She never was like that. No, So I mean,

1099
00:51:20,560 --> 00:51:22,719
Speaker 1: I guess some women are capable of just being like

1100
00:51:22,760 --> 00:51:24,920
Speaker 1: blinders to other women and saying, let me focus on

1101
00:51:24,960 --> 00:51:26,520
Speaker 1: my partner because this. You know, a lot of people

1102
00:51:26,560 --> 00:51:28,840
Speaker 1: say that that's not possible, but people can do that

1103
00:51:28,880 --> 00:51:31,200
Speaker 1: because you know, they say men are jealous and no

1104
00:51:31,320 --> 00:51:33,720
Speaker 1: man is going to want their girlfriend to have male friends.

1105
00:51:33,760 --> 00:51:35,600
Speaker 1: But you have male friends that you've had since high

1106
00:51:35,600 --> 00:51:37,880
Speaker 1: school that I don't. It's never been a thing.

1107
00:51:37,760 --> 00:51:41,600
Speaker 2: For me, absolutely, you know, absolutely, all right, hope you

1108
00:51:41,600 --> 00:51:42,080
Speaker 2: figure it out.

1109
00:51:42,120 --> 00:51:42,319
Speaker 3: Boo.

1110
00:51:42,520 --> 00:51:45,440
Speaker 2: Come on, I don't lose a good man because of insecurities,

1111
00:51:45,560 --> 00:51:48,560
Speaker 2: So definitely try to self reflect and work on that.

1112
00:51:48,840 --> 00:51:49,120
Speaker 3: All right.

1113
00:51:49,160 --> 00:51:50,759
Speaker 2: If you want to be featured as a listener letter

1114
00:51:50,800 --> 00:51:53,840
Speaker 2: in a future episode, please email us at the Ellis

1115
00:51:53,960 --> 00:51:56,239
Speaker 2: Advice at gmail dot com.

1116
00:51:56,320 --> 00:51:58,600
Speaker 1: That's th H E E L L I S A

1117
00:51:58,760 --> 00:52:01,600
Speaker 1: d V I C E at gmail dot com.

1118
00:52:02,920 --> 00:52:05,399
Speaker 2: All right, time for the moment of truth. We're talking

1119
00:52:05,440 --> 00:52:07,720
Speaker 2: about fighting right, not fighting wrong.

1120
00:52:09,000 --> 00:52:11,240
Speaker 1: I got an easy one. If you find a reason

1121
00:52:11,280 --> 00:52:13,800
Speaker 1: to fight, and that reason is because you want to

1122
00:52:13,840 --> 00:52:16,160
Speaker 1: be there, you will always fight right. So make sure

1123
00:52:16,160 --> 00:52:17,400
Speaker 1: you're fighting for the right reasons.

1124
00:52:17,640 --> 00:52:19,000
Speaker 2: I love that. That's a good one.

1125
00:52:19,320 --> 00:52:22,000
Speaker 7: And mine is if you find something that you don't

1126
00:52:22,000 --> 00:52:24,040
Speaker 7: want to be with. There's never a wrong reason or

1127
00:52:24,360 --> 00:52:25,239
Speaker 7: way to fight wrong.

1128
00:52:26,000 --> 00:52:36,560
Speaker 9: Fight fight, fight, No, I don't have a I don't

1129
00:52:36,600 --> 00:52:37,279
Speaker 9: have a moment of truth.

1130
00:52:37,280 --> 00:52:37,920
Speaker 3: I think gives a spot.

1131
00:52:37,960 --> 00:52:38,319
Speaker 4: Don't do that.

1132
00:52:38,520 --> 00:52:39,960
Speaker 1: But he wants to steal mine, but he don't want

1133
00:52:39,960 --> 00:52:42,200
Speaker 1: to say, because I'm just stealing his all the time,

1134
00:52:43,960 --> 00:52:44,640
Speaker 1: You're still mine.

1135
00:52:45,800 --> 00:52:47,440
Speaker 4: Moment of truth knocked that posty out like it's fight.

1136
00:52:49,800 --> 00:52:50,359
Speaker 1: I love that.

1137
00:52:50,440 --> 00:52:55,080
Speaker 6: I was definitely gonna say that. I was literally gonna

1138
00:52:55,120 --> 00:52:56,239
Speaker 6: say that exactly.

1139
00:52:57,320 --> 00:53:00,880
Speaker 1: Josh each other each other.

1140
00:53:02,280 --> 00:53:03,760
Speaker 4: First.

1141
00:53:04,960 --> 00:53:09,799
Speaker 6: But my moment of truth is understanding should be the

1142
00:53:09,880 --> 00:53:16,200
Speaker 6: goal in conflict, not winning, not hurting, just understanding.

1143
00:53:16,400 --> 00:53:19,719
Speaker 2: Absolutely like that. Absolutely. I guess I'll just round it

1144
00:53:19,719 --> 00:53:22,120
Speaker 2: out by saying, find somebody worth fighting for. You know

1145
00:53:22,120 --> 00:53:24,799
Speaker 2: what I'm saying, Like, find somebody worth fighting for. If

1146
00:53:24,840 --> 00:53:27,839
Speaker 2: you feel like you don't want to fight, Yeah, even

1147
00:53:27,880 --> 00:53:29,759
Speaker 2: through the good, through the bad, through the ups, through

1148
00:53:29,760 --> 00:53:32,279
Speaker 2: the downs, through the randoms that come your way, then

1149
00:53:32,280 --> 00:53:37,200
Speaker 2: that might not be the person for you. Intent. All right, y'all,

1150
00:53:37,239 --> 00:53:39,680
Speaker 2: be sure to find us on Patreon. That's where like

1151
00:53:39,719 --> 00:53:41,600
Speaker 2: all the fun happens. I don't know if anybody's been

1152
00:53:41,600 --> 00:53:44,839
Speaker 2: watching Patreon, shout out to y'all, Gang Gang. That's where

1153
00:53:44,880 --> 00:53:48,200
Speaker 2: the after show is, as well as more exclusive Ellis

1154
00:53:48,200 --> 00:53:50,799
Speaker 2: Family content. You know love us down. We've been ripping

1155
00:53:50,800 --> 00:53:53,520
Speaker 2: and running with these boys, honey all the time. And

1156
00:53:53,560 --> 00:53:57,080
Speaker 2: you can find us on social media. Ellis ever After.

1157
00:53:57,239 --> 00:53:58,960
Speaker 2: Then you can find me at Kadeen.

1158
00:53:58,719 --> 00:54:00,640
Speaker 1: I am and you can find me and I am Daval,

1159
00:54:00,800 --> 00:54:02,560
Speaker 1: I'm on the score on Matt dot Ellis, and I'm

1160
00:54:02,640 --> 00:54:05,280
Speaker 1: Josha Underscored Dwane.

1161
00:54:05,239 --> 00:54:07,440
Speaker 6: I'm at Tribs The Cool t ri I b b

1162
00:54:07,640 --> 00:54:09,240
Speaker 6: Z the Cool on Everything.

1163
00:54:09,680 --> 00:54:12,160
Speaker 1: And if you're listening on Apple podcast, be sure to rate,

1164
00:54:12,560 --> 00:54:14,640
Speaker 1: review a subscribe.

1165
00:54:14,080 --> 00:54:19,480
Speaker 2: And download Baby a Friend, Tell a Friend god.

1166
00:54:20,680 --> 00:54:24,640
Speaker 6: Ellis ever After is an iHeartMedia podcast. It's hosted by

1167
00:54:24,760 --> 00:54:29,600
Speaker 6: Kadeen and Deval Ellis. It's produced by Triple Video, Production

1168
00:54:29,800 --> 00:56:01,400
Speaker 6: by Joshua Dwyane and Matthew Ellis, video editing by Lashan Roe.

1169
00:56:04,239 --> 00:56:09,920
Speaker 6: Tuk Bad Tuk

1170
00:56:13,280 --> 00:56:15,280
Speaker 7: Bad Talk