1 00:00:02,040 --> 00:00:07,080 Speaker 1: Welcome to brain Stuff from how Stuff Works, Hey, brain Stuff, 2 00:00:07,120 --> 00:00:10,600 Speaker 1: Lauren vocal bam. Here nobody tells us how to do 3 00:00:10,680 --> 00:00:14,040 Speaker 1: a breakup. We get advice, encouragement, and insistence when it 4 00:00:14,040 --> 00:00:17,040 Speaker 1: comes to entering romantic relationships, but when it comes to 5 00:00:17,160 --> 00:00:20,880 Speaker 1: splitting up, we're on our own. Literally. Sure, we have 6 00:00:21,000 --> 00:00:24,239 Speaker 1: condolences murmured to us by anxious eyed friends and family 7 00:00:24,280 --> 00:00:27,520 Speaker 1: for a few weeks, and it's generally accepted that unusual 8 00:00:27,600 --> 00:00:31,040 Speaker 1: ice cream eating behavior, possibly combined with a drastic haircut, 9 00:00:31,120 --> 00:00:34,240 Speaker 1: might be in order. But otherwise we're given free rein 10 00:00:34,320 --> 00:00:37,360 Speaker 1: to melt down in the manner of our choosing. After 11 00:00:37,400 --> 00:00:40,599 Speaker 1: a while, though, people start rolling their eyes. Why does 12 00:00:40,600 --> 00:00:43,000 Speaker 1: she still look like she's going to a Morrisey concert, 13 00:00:43,040 --> 00:00:45,760 Speaker 1: they ask each other. Or why can't he stop texting 14 00:00:45,760 --> 00:00:48,800 Speaker 1: her at midnight apologizing for not having unloaded the dishwasher? 15 00:00:48,880 --> 00:00:53,800 Speaker 1: More often, the truth is breakups are personal. The sudden 16 00:00:53,800 --> 00:00:57,080 Speaker 1: dissolution of a relationship with the human we're emotionally closest 17 00:00:57,120 --> 00:01:00,760 Speaker 1: to can cause the sensation of life collapsing in on itself. 18 00:01:01,680 --> 00:01:05,360 Speaker 1: We spoke with Suzanne Morgan, a relationship counselor at Counseling 19 00:01:05,400 --> 00:01:09,000 Speaker 1: Associates for well Being in Athens, Georgia. She said, a 20 00:01:09,080 --> 00:01:11,920 Speaker 1: breakup or divorce is a loss that needs to be grieved, 21 00:01:12,080 --> 00:01:15,240 Speaker 1: and it often affects self esteem and identity and sometimes 22 00:01:15,240 --> 00:01:17,640 Speaker 1: even a sense of safety in the physical world. It 23 00:01:17,680 --> 00:01:20,360 Speaker 1: can mean the loss of the significant other and the relationship, 24 00:01:20,640 --> 00:01:22,880 Speaker 1: but also the death of the dream one had for 25 00:01:22,920 --> 00:01:26,360 Speaker 1: a life imagined or planned with that person. It's a 26 00:01:26,400 --> 00:01:29,880 Speaker 1: big deal and emotional healing takes a little time. But 27 00:01:30,160 --> 00:01:33,240 Speaker 1: if you don't have time these days, there's always break 28 00:01:33,319 --> 00:01:36,320 Speaker 1: up boot camp. In an age of SPA retreats and 29 00:01:36,400 --> 00:01:39,560 Speaker 1: clean living seminars, breakup boot camps have sprung up to 30 00:01:39,720 --> 00:01:42,520 Speaker 1: fill a need to make the broken hearted feel as 31 00:01:42,560 --> 00:01:46,000 Speaker 1: if they're doing something besides wallowing in their own psychological pain, 32 00:01:46,360 --> 00:01:49,240 Speaker 1: in addition to giving them concrete steps for moving forward 33 00:01:49,280 --> 00:01:52,800 Speaker 1: with their lives. And it's a big business. Let's take, 34 00:01:52,840 --> 00:01:56,080 Speaker 1: for example, the renew Breakup boot Camp, which runs retreats 35 00:01:56,080 --> 00:01:58,400 Speaker 1: out of New York and California and touts on their 36 00:01:58,440 --> 00:02:01,960 Speaker 1: website a scientific and spiritual approach to healing the heart. 37 00:02:02,760 --> 00:02:05,280 Speaker 1: You can participate in one of their weekend getaways, communing 38 00:02:05,280 --> 00:02:09,200 Speaker 1: with psychologists, life coaches, energy healers, and tantric yoga instructors 39 00:02:09,400 --> 00:02:11,960 Speaker 1: in addition to others struggling with the aftermath of a 40 00:02:11,960 --> 00:02:16,040 Speaker 1: big breakup for between one thousand two dollars and two 41 00:02:16,120 --> 00:02:20,160 Speaker 1: thousand four dollars. If that's a little rich for your blood, 42 00:02:20,280 --> 00:02:22,680 Speaker 1: you can sign up for text messages from a relationship 43 00:02:22,720 --> 00:02:25,480 Speaker 1: guru for nine dollars a month, or take a thirty 44 00:02:25,560 --> 00:02:28,080 Speaker 1: day email course for a hundred and forty nine dollars. 45 00:02:28,919 --> 00:02:31,919 Speaker 1: A M. E. Chon, relationship columnist and founder of Renew 46 00:02:31,960 --> 00:02:37,440 Speaker 1: breakup boot Camp, invokes the combined powers of neuroscience, psychology, yoga, meditation, 47 00:02:37,560 --> 00:02:41,079 Speaker 1: and energy healing to cover all of your post breakup bases, 48 00:02:41,560 --> 00:02:44,280 Speaker 1: But it seems like that's the kind of firepower required 49 00:02:44,320 --> 00:02:47,680 Speaker 1: for the tall order she's promising to fill. According to 50 00:02:47,680 --> 00:02:50,959 Speaker 1: her website quote, Renew provides a safe space for women 51 00:02:51,000 --> 00:02:55,080 Speaker 1: to heal past wounds, rewire unhealthy patterns and limiting narratives, 52 00:02:55,120 --> 00:02:58,720 Speaker 1: and enter the next phase of life with inspiration and empowerment, 53 00:02:59,320 --> 00:03:02,600 Speaker 1: all over the us of a long weekend. Other breakup 54 00:03:02,639 --> 00:03:05,680 Speaker 1: boot camps claim to have hit on similarly effective formulas 55 00:03:05,720 --> 00:03:09,400 Speaker 1: for ushering the trauma addled love lorn through the healing process. 56 00:03:10,120 --> 00:03:12,799 Speaker 1: One such program claims a three step program is the 57 00:03:12,840 --> 00:03:15,560 Speaker 1: way to go. Acknowledge your own role in what happened, 58 00:03:15,760 --> 00:03:18,440 Speaker 1: admit you're better off without that person, and accept that 59 00:03:18,480 --> 00:03:23,200 Speaker 1: the relationship is over. But is all this kerfuffle needed 60 00:03:23,280 --> 00:03:25,440 Speaker 1: for something that the vast majority of us will go 61 00:03:25,520 --> 00:03:28,400 Speaker 1: through at least once in our lives. On the spectrum 62 00:03:28,440 --> 00:03:31,240 Speaker 1: of trauma a person can experience, how bad can it be? 63 00:03:32,440 --> 00:03:35,680 Speaker 1: We also spoke with Anne Bellwood of Many Colors Counseling, 64 00:03:35,880 --> 00:03:39,920 Speaker 1: who specializes in psychotherapy for women and the LGBTQ community. 65 00:03:40,480 --> 00:03:43,160 Speaker 1: She said people are dealing with all kinds of things 66 00:03:43,280 --> 00:03:47,560 Speaker 1: during breakups. Psychological trauma is a subjective experience, meaning it 67 00:03:47,720 --> 00:03:50,800 Speaker 1: is defined by you and it is characterized by feeling 68 00:03:50,880 --> 00:03:54,640 Speaker 1: extremely helpless and overwhelmed. The loss of a close relationship, 69 00:03:54,720 --> 00:03:58,080 Speaker 1: especially depending upon the details of your situation, can absolutely 70 00:03:58,160 --> 00:04:00,920 Speaker 1: make you feel this way. I clients deal with this 71 00:04:01,000 --> 00:04:03,840 Speaker 1: by restoring a sense of control over their lives, making 72 00:04:03,880 --> 00:04:06,600 Speaker 1: meaning from the past, and restoring hope in the future. 73 00:04:07,560 --> 00:04:10,200 Speaker 1: So maybe the need for things like breakup boot camps 74 00:04:10,240 --> 00:04:12,520 Speaker 1: has more to do with our need for extra help 75 00:04:12,560 --> 00:04:14,920 Speaker 1: in all areas of our lives that we're constantly holding 76 00:04:14,920 --> 00:04:17,839 Speaker 1: together until the end of an important relationship brings it 77 00:04:17,880 --> 00:04:21,760 Speaker 1: all crashing into our laps, and although eating delicious meals, 78 00:04:21,760 --> 00:04:25,200 Speaker 1: doing yoga and talking to neuroscientists, life coaches and other 79 00:04:25,240 --> 00:04:28,040 Speaker 1: people who have recently been through breakups can definitely help 80 00:04:28,480 --> 00:04:32,360 Speaker 1: healing unhealthy relationship patterns can take a lifetime, not just 81 00:04:32,400 --> 00:04:36,440 Speaker 1: a weekend. Morgan said, I personally think the boot camp 82 00:04:36,440 --> 00:04:38,760 Speaker 1: idea sounds fine, but I would look at it more 83 00:04:38,800 --> 00:04:40,840 Speaker 1: as a retreat and a way to get support or 84 00:04:40,960 --> 00:04:44,360 Speaker 1: jump start the healing process. I would caution someone planning 85 00:04:44,360 --> 00:04:47,760 Speaker 1: to attend that they shouldn't expect a quick fix. Breakups 86 00:04:47,760 --> 00:04:50,960 Speaker 1: can bring up long held, painful wounds and negative beliefs, 87 00:04:51,000 --> 00:04:53,679 Speaker 1: but they are actually a good opportunity to change the narrative. 88 00:04:54,120 --> 00:04:57,480 Speaker 1: This doesn't happen overnight and requires some work. A breakup 89 00:04:57,480 --> 00:05:00,000 Speaker 1: can actually be a positive sign of growth that want 90 00:05:00,160 --> 00:05:03,919 Speaker 1: changing a pattern or not willing to accept unacceptable behavior anymore. 91 00:05:09,320 --> 00:05:12,000 Speaker 1: Today's episode was written by Jesselyn Shields and produced by 92 00:05:12,000 --> 00:05:15,360 Speaker 1: Tyler Clang. Brain Stuff has merchandise now. You can contain 93 00:05:15,400 --> 00:05:18,520 Speaker 1: your liquids, electronics, and or body in brainy style by 94 00:05:18,600 --> 00:05:22,160 Speaker 1: visiting te public dot com slash brain stuff and of 95 00:05:22,200 --> 00:05:24,559 Speaker 1: course for more on this and lots of other open 96 00:05:24,560 --> 00:05:39,320 Speaker 1: hearted topics, visit our home planet, how stuff Works dot com.