1 00:00:01,160 --> 00:00:04,120 Speaker 1: There's not one rule, there's not one way to date. 2 00:00:04,480 --> 00:00:06,240 Speaker 1: It's not one size fits all. And like I'm not 3 00:00:06,280 --> 00:00:08,520 Speaker 1: here to tell you the rules. I'm telling you how 4 00:00:08,520 --> 00:00:10,600 Speaker 1: to work with what you got. So that's like a 5 00:00:10,600 --> 00:00:13,119 Speaker 1: big distinction because I think a lot of previous like 6 00:00:13,240 --> 00:00:15,680 Speaker 1: dating coaches, matchmakers, they're always if you don't look a 7 00:00:15,720 --> 00:00:17,080 Speaker 1: certain way, you don't act a certain way, you don't 8 00:00:17,079 --> 00:00:19,760 Speaker 1: give up your whole fucking personality, like you're not gonna 9 00:00:19,760 --> 00:00:21,880 Speaker 1: ever find love. And my thing is is like I'd 10 00:00:21,960 --> 00:00:23,759 Speaker 1: rather you have less people that really love you for 11 00:00:23,840 --> 00:00:26,799 Speaker 1: you than sell out Madison Square Garden of like fake 12 00:00:26,920 --> 00:00:28,960 Speaker 1: people that just want you for the wrong things. 13 00:00:36,360 --> 00:00:39,919 Speaker 2: I'm hopewordered and welcome to Boysover, a space where we're 14 00:00:40,000 --> 00:00:43,360 Speaker 2: learning and unlearning all the myths were taught about love 15 00:00:43,600 --> 00:00:57,640 Speaker 2: and relationships. Today, I'm excited to pick the brain of 16 00:00:57,680 --> 00:01:00,640 Speaker 2: our guest, tif Barra. You might know her from her 17 00:01:00,720 --> 00:01:04,120 Speaker 2: viral TikTok show streethearts, where she identifies as New York 18 00:01:04,160 --> 00:01:08,560 Speaker 2: City's official TikTok Cupid. She's known for being authentically and 19 00:01:08,680 --> 00:01:13,000 Speaker 2: unapologetically herself and encourages others to do so too, both 20 00:01:13,000 --> 00:01:15,720 Speaker 2: in our everyday lives and in our search for love, 21 00:01:16,600 --> 00:01:20,120 Speaker 2: I'm still constantly grappling with how to confidently and authentically 22 00:01:20,240 --> 00:01:22,240 Speaker 2: approach this whole boysover. 23 00:01:21,920 --> 00:01:23,720 Speaker 3: Thing, even two years in. 24 00:01:24,680 --> 00:01:27,440 Speaker 2: So I thought a conversation with Tiff was the perfect 25 00:01:27,440 --> 00:01:28,800 Speaker 2: way to find some clarity. 26 00:01:31,360 --> 00:01:32,840 Speaker 3: Tiff, welcome to boys Sover. 27 00:01:33,280 --> 00:01:35,559 Speaker 4: Thank you so much help. I'm so happy to be here. 28 00:01:36,000 --> 00:01:37,920 Speaker 2: Let me get a couple of hot takes from you. 29 00:01:38,319 --> 00:01:43,600 Speaker 2: Just about like the dating scene right now. Situationships, yes 30 00:01:43,720 --> 00:01:43,880 Speaker 2: or no. 31 00:01:44,880 --> 00:01:48,000 Speaker 1: I am against situationships because I think situationships are one sided. 32 00:01:48,040 --> 00:01:50,240 Speaker 1: It's one person that actually wants a relationship and one 33 00:01:50,240 --> 00:01:52,240 Speaker 1: person that just settling because they're scared that if they 34 00:01:52,240 --> 00:01:55,080 Speaker 1: ask for more, they'll lose them. So I'm against situationships. 35 00:01:55,080 --> 00:01:58,120 Speaker 1: But I'm pro a fling because fling feels more mutual. 36 00:01:58,240 --> 00:02:00,600 Speaker 2: Okay, yeah, I'm like, what's the biggest differs and how 37 00:02:00,600 --> 00:02:04,040 Speaker 2: would you avoid a situationship but stay in a fling. 38 00:02:04,480 --> 00:02:06,720 Speaker 1: A fling is being very upfront about what you want 39 00:02:06,760 --> 00:02:09,640 Speaker 1: from the jump and accepting what people tell you as well. So, like, 40 00:02:09,919 --> 00:02:12,040 Speaker 1: you can't change a person. If someone's like, I'm not 41 00:02:12,040 --> 00:02:14,200 Speaker 1: looking for something serious just by being amazing, You're not 42 00:02:14,200 --> 00:02:16,120 Speaker 1: going to change what they want, so I think a 43 00:02:16,160 --> 00:02:19,239 Speaker 1: situationship is almost trying to like invest in something that 44 00:02:19,320 --> 00:02:21,480 Speaker 1: you'll never get a return in, where a fling, like 45 00:02:21,520 --> 00:02:23,600 Speaker 1: a flirty fall fling, is about like, hey, I don't 46 00:02:23,600 --> 00:02:25,040 Speaker 1: know where this is going, but I'm okay with that, 47 00:02:25,080 --> 00:02:26,240 Speaker 1: and I want to get to know you and that's 48 00:02:26,280 --> 00:02:28,560 Speaker 1: my main objective. But if you're telling me like, hey, 49 00:02:28,680 --> 00:02:30,840 Speaker 1: I want to have kids by like thirty and I 50 00:02:30,840 --> 00:02:32,680 Speaker 1: want to have all do not get in a fling. 51 00:02:33,520 --> 00:02:35,760 Speaker 2: You know, my producers just put it at me, Christina, 52 00:02:35,960 --> 00:02:36,639 Speaker 2: what are you thinking? 53 00:02:38,000 --> 00:02:38,040 Speaker 1: Me? 54 00:02:39,040 --> 00:02:42,680 Speaker 2: Well, here's my thing is, I'm telling everyone and myself 55 00:02:42,680 --> 00:02:45,960 Speaker 2: that I would like kids by thirty two gorgeous. 56 00:02:45,480 --> 00:02:46,320 Speaker 3: But I don't. 57 00:02:46,360 --> 00:02:46,960 Speaker 4: Are you still boy? 58 00:02:47,040 --> 00:02:47,680 Speaker 3: Sob okay? 59 00:02:47,760 --> 00:02:49,520 Speaker 1: Yeah, because when last time I saw you, you told 60 00:02:49,560 --> 00:02:51,160 Speaker 1: me I wasn't dating, and I. 61 00:02:51,080 --> 00:02:53,720 Speaker 4: Was like, come find me when you're ready. 62 00:02:54,240 --> 00:02:54,840 Speaker 3: Here's the thing. 63 00:02:54,960 --> 00:02:58,639 Speaker 2: It's been like such a I was just telling Christina 64 00:02:58,680 --> 00:03:00,760 Speaker 2: about this, but like, you know, this whole thing started 65 00:03:00,760 --> 00:03:04,079 Speaker 2: two years ago, and I'm a little embarrassed to say that, 66 00:03:04,120 --> 00:03:07,000 Speaker 2: Like I still haven't really like done the work I 67 00:03:07,040 --> 00:03:10,520 Speaker 2: feel like I need to do. Like the whole point 68 00:03:10,600 --> 00:03:14,960 Speaker 2: of going Voysover for me was like creating like deep 69 00:03:15,000 --> 00:03:18,359 Speaker 2: connection outside of romance, but I still sort of get 70 00:03:18,400 --> 00:03:19,360 Speaker 2: anxious at a party. 71 00:03:19,680 --> 00:03:20,440 Speaker 3: You see what I'm saying. 72 00:03:20,880 --> 00:03:23,919 Speaker 1: Okay, girl number one, don't be embarrassed, Like you're never 73 00:03:23,960 --> 00:03:25,600 Speaker 1: gonna be ready. And I think that's a big point 74 00:03:25,600 --> 00:03:27,720 Speaker 1: of the book in my whole like philosophy is like 75 00:03:28,000 --> 00:03:30,440 Speaker 1: if you wait to be ready to start living the 76 00:03:30,480 --> 00:03:33,480 Speaker 1: life that you want, whether it's romantically or in your career, 77 00:03:33,600 --> 00:03:36,560 Speaker 1: like it'll never happen. So like I feel like, start 78 00:03:36,680 --> 00:03:39,440 Speaker 1: treading the waters of your comfortability. So if you're saying 79 00:03:39,440 --> 00:03:41,800 Speaker 1: like I'm starting to get anxious, like I'm not ready 80 00:03:41,840 --> 00:03:44,320 Speaker 1: to go out there yet, there's some validity to that. 81 00:03:44,520 --> 00:03:46,360 Speaker 1: But then I would also ask you to like reflect, 82 00:03:46,360 --> 00:03:49,680 Speaker 1: like what exactly am I not ready for? Because, to 83 00:03:49,720 --> 00:03:51,200 Speaker 1: be honest, a date is just being hot and going 84 00:03:51,240 --> 00:03:52,680 Speaker 1: to grab a coffee, you know what I mean. 85 00:03:52,720 --> 00:03:54,680 Speaker 2: Well, I was thinking about this because I was having 86 00:03:54,680 --> 00:03:56,560 Speaker 2: a chat with my friend and I was like. 87 00:03:56,560 --> 00:03:58,200 Speaker 3: I don't like a first. 88 00:03:57,960 --> 00:04:00,040 Speaker 5: Date, Like I don't like you want a marriage, you 89 00:04:00,080 --> 00:04:01,520 Speaker 5: want to skip the dating, Let's get married. 90 00:04:03,200 --> 00:04:04,960 Speaker 2: I'm like I don't want to sit at dinner and 91 00:04:05,000 --> 00:04:07,320 Speaker 2: like ask you about your siblings and like do this 92 00:04:07,360 --> 00:04:11,400 Speaker 2: whole thing where I have to be very I don't 93 00:04:11,400 --> 00:04:12,920 Speaker 2: know where I have and it doesn't really feel like 94 00:04:12,920 --> 00:04:16,440 Speaker 2: I'm performing, but I just maybe it's like I'm straight, 95 00:04:16,480 --> 00:04:19,000 Speaker 2: but I don't like men, so like sitting at the 96 00:04:19,000 --> 00:04:20,480 Speaker 2: table and talking with them, I'm like, oh. 97 00:04:20,600 --> 00:04:21,680 Speaker 4: Have you ever met I've. 98 00:04:21,560 --> 00:04:24,040 Speaker 1: Ever met a guy that you don't know what the 99 00:04:24,040 --> 00:04:26,280 Speaker 1: intention is, right, you just met Let's say you met 100 00:04:26,320 --> 00:04:28,600 Speaker 1: him at a coffee shop or you were walking and 101 00:04:28,640 --> 00:04:31,039 Speaker 1: you instantly just like like chatting with them. Has that 102 00:04:31,080 --> 00:04:31,679 Speaker 1: ever happened? 103 00:04:31,920 --> 00:04:32,200 Speaker 2: Yes? 104 00:04:32,640 --> 00:04:35,760 Speaker 4: Yeah, I think bring that energy into a date. 105 00:04:36,040 --> 00:04:39,240 Speaker 1: Like yesterday I met up with someone and I'm like, 106 00:04:39,320 --> 00:04:41,200 Speaker 1: you know, I've known him for a long time and 107 00:04:41,240 --> 00:04:44,560 Speaker 1: reconnected and we never it was always friend. And my 108 00:04:44,640 --> 00:04:47,080 Speaker 1: thing is is like anyone that I'm going to date 109 00:04:47,480 --> 00:04:50,360 Speaker 1: has to start as a friend because like to me, 110 00:04:50,600 --> 00:04:52,599 Speaker 1: throughout all my breakups in my life, I don't miss 111 00:04:52,640 --> 00:04:54,080 Speaker 1: them as like a lover because most of the time 112 00:04:54,120 --> 00:04:57,240 Speaker 1: they're not that good. But what I miss the most 113 00:04:57,640 --> 00:04:59,080 Speaker 1: is that friendship. 114 00:04:59,160 --> 00:04:59,839 Speaker 4: Is that bond. 115 00:05:00,040 --> 00:05:01,760 Speaker 1: Is that person that like is there for you when 116 00:05:01,760 --> 00:05:04,520 Speaker 1: you're having anxiety, That person that believes in you more 117 00:05:04,520 --> 00:05:07,040 Speaker 1: than you can believe in yourself. So I think to me, 118 00:05:07,440 --> 00:05:09,520 Speaker 1: if you're saying like I don't want to go through 119 00:05:09,520 --> 00:05:12,719 Speaker 1: the interview process, then don't you know? And also don't 120 00:05:12,760 --> 00:05:14,760 Speaker 1: force yourself to, Like I LOOKK you have like a 121 00:05:14,760 --> 00:05:17,320 Speaker 1: fifteen minute rule. If I'm sitting on a date with someone, 122 00:05:17,360 --> 00:05:19,120 Speaker 1: I know in fifteen minutes if I want it something more, 123 00:05:19,800 --> 00:05:22,120 Speaker 1: whether that's like something long term or a fling or whatever. 124 00:05:22,320 --> 00:05:23,880 Speaker 1: So if I know in fifteen minutes whether I like 125 00:05:23,920 --> 00:05:25,440 Speaker 1: someone or not, why the fuck am I going on 126 00:05:25,440 --> 00:05:27,680 Speaker 1: an eight hour date and putting on a performance? Because 127 00:05:27,680 --> 00:05:30,000 Speaker 1: a lot of times you could just be funny and entertaining, 128 00:05:30,279 --> 00:05:32,080 Speaker 1: but you're just like you're like was a day good? 129 00:05:32,160 --> 00:05:34,200 Speaker 4: Or am I just like so fucking funny? 130 00:05:34,760 --> 00:05:34,920 Speaker 1: You know? 131 00:05:36,000 --> 00:05:38,440 Speaker 4: So if you feel like you're performing, get out. 132 00:05:38,880 --> 00:05:42,280 Speaker 2: I want to know how you came to have this philosophy, 133 00:05:42,920 --> 00:05:46,080 Speaker 2: Like have you always been this sort of like sure 134 00:05:46,279 --> 00:05:48,760 Speaker 2: of yourself or like knowing what you want and don't want? 135 00:05:49,080 --> 00:05:51,000 Speaker 4: No, I've been deeply insecure my whole life. 136 00:05:51,160 --> 00:05:53,560 Speaker 3: Tell me about the process. Yeah getting there? 137 00:05:53,680 --> 00:05:55,680 Speaker 1: Well, I think I'm still in it. And to your point, 138 00:05:55,720 --> 00:05:57,800 Speaker 1: I don't think you arrive at confidence. I don't think 139 00:05:57,800 --> 00:06:00,919 Speaker 1: you arrive at being ready to be able to be 140 00:06:00,920 --> 00:06:02,880 Speaker 1: like the hottest confidence person in the room. I think 141 00:06:02,880 --> 00:06:06,040 Speaker 1: there's moments and I think you start feeling like your 142 00:06:06,080 --> 00:06:09,080 Speaker 1: better self when you start telling yourself and giving yourself 143 00:06:09,279 --> 00:06:09,960 Speaker 1: what makes. 144 00:06:09,720 --> 00:06:10,760 Speaker 4: You feel like that person. 145 00:06:11,080 --> 00:06:14,080 Speaker 1: So, for example, I know now like I'm not gonna 146 00:06:14,120 --> 00:06:15,839 Speaker 1: be I'm gonna not gonna feel good if a guy 147 00:06:15,920 --> 00:06:17,840 Speaker 1: is taking eight hours to text me and I don't 148 00:06:17,880 --> 00:06:19,919 Speaker 1: deserve that right. So if I start seeing that, I 149 00:06:19,920 --> 00:06:21,719 Speaker 1: don't view that as like, oh, he's just busy. I 150 00:06:21,800 --> 00:06:24,400 Speaker 1: view that as like, no, that's disrespect. It's not an alignment. 151 00:06:24,400 --> 00:06:27,240 Speaker 1: Onto the next I'll communicate it. So your job is 152 00:06:27,240 --> 00:06:29,440 Speaker 1: not to expect everyone to be in alignment with how 153 00:06:29,480 --> 00:06:32,720 Speaker 1: you live. But after you communicate what you need, they 154 00:06:32,720 --> 00:06:35,240 Speaker 1: either have the choice to accept or reject that. But 155 00:06:35,360 --> 00:06:38,360 Speaker 1: don't sit there in that rejection and expect them to change, 156 00:06:38,360 --> 00:06:40,279 Speaker 1: because that's how you become booboo the cloud. You're like, 157 00:06:40,560 --> 00:06:42,240 Speaker 1: why am I like waiting by the phone waiting for 158 00:06:42,279 --> 00:06:43,520 Speaker 1: someone to text me when I should be out. 159 00:06:43,400 --> 00:06:46,159 Speaker 4: With the girlies. It's because you're choosing to do that. 160 00:06:46,520 --> 00:06:50,120 Speaker 1: So I've grown stronger and knowing that, like, people will 161 00:06:50,120 --> 00:06:52,360 Speaker 1: show you who they are, and you have to choose 162 00:06:52,360 --> 00:06:54,680 Speaker 1: yourself over the wrong person, no matter how hot they are, 163 00:06:54,760 --> 00:06:57,159 Speaker 1: no matter how great they are on paper, because someone 164 00:06:57,160 --> 00:06:59,799 Speaker 1: that is really interested in you and wants to show 165 00:06:59,839 --> 00:07:03,400 Speaker 1: that you'll know. And I think like it's all about, 166 00:07:03,600 --> 00:07:05,760 Speaker 1: at least for me in my journey, understanding that I 167 00:07:05,800 --> 00:07:07,840 Speaker 1: deserve it because I've had people that tried to love 168 00:07:07,880 --> 00:07:09,600 Speaker 1: me and I wasn't ready to be loved because I 169 00:07:09,640 --> 00:07:11,360 Speaker 1: was used to toxicity for a long time. 170 00:07:12,440 --> 00:07:14,960 Speaker 2: What does your dating life look like right now? Are 171 00:07:15,000 --> 00:07:17,960 Speaker 2: you on the apps? Are you just noticing people at parties? 172 00:07:18,040 --> 00:07:18,640 Speaker 2: What's going on? 173 00:07:18,960 --> 00:07:21,720 Speaker 1: I went through like a really long breakup and it 174 00:07:21,760 --> 00:07:23,760 Speaker 1: took me a long time to heal because I think 175 00:07:24,280 --> 00:07:27,559 Speaker 1: going through a really long term relationship made me realize 176 00:07:27,560 --> 00:07:29,360 Speaker 1: a lot of things that I was neglecting in myself 177 00:07:29,360 --> 00:07:32,520 Speaker 1: and expecting someone to fix. So instead of jumping into 178 00:07:32,560 --> 00:07:35,440 Speaker 1: someone new, I really took the last seven months to 179 00:07:35,640 --> 00:07:38,320 Speaker 1: just be alone like I haven't And I think it's 180 00:07:38,320 --> 00:07:40,400 Speaker 1: so important to not rushshelf to date until you're ready. 181 00:07:40,400 --> 00:07:42,160 Speaker 1: That's why I love you know what you do or 182 00:07:42,280 --> 00:07:44,520 Speaker 1: you know whatever you're doing. You have a lot of 183 00:07:44,560 --> 00:07:47,240 Speaker 1: like autonomy, and I really respect that, Like I think 184 00:07:47,240 --> 00:07:49,480 Speaker 1: that's great and it takes a lot of strength and power, 185 00:07:49,960 --> 00:07:52,240 Speaker 1: but I did that and then I feel like I 186 00:07:52,640 --> 00:07:56,080 Speaker 1: ran into him, cried, and then I felt healed because 187 00:07:56,080 --> 00:07:58,120 Speaker 1: the same night I met someone that I felt like, 188 00:07:58,200 --> 00:08:00,520 Speaker 1: oh that could be put maybe if it's not him, 189 00:08:00,560 --> 00:08:02,520 Speaker 1: he's an example of what my future could look like. 190 00:08:02,960 --> 00:08:04,440 Speaker 4: So I closed the chapter. 191 00:08:04,280 --> 00:08:08,440 Speaker 1: And since then I'm dating. I you know, I go 192 00:08:08,520 --> 00:08:11,240 Speaker 1: out not looking for anything, but I really like. 193 00:08:11,200 --> 00:08:13,360 Speaker 4: Meeting in person. I am on the apps, but like, 194 00:08:13,760 --> 00:08:14,480 Speaker 4: I love that. 195 00:08:14,800 --> 00:08:18,440 Speaker 1: Like cosmic attraction, when you like run into someone and 196 00:08:18,480 --> 00:08:19,880 Speaker 1: you just like each other stuff. 197 00:08:19,920 --> 00:08:22,320 Speaker 4: Of course, yeah, I'm dating. I'm dating to day around. 198 00:08:22,920 --> 00:08:26,080 Speaker 4: I'm not married yet. Yeah, if you're single and silly 199 00:08:26,560 --> 00:08:26,880 Speaker 4: was doing? 200 00:08:28,200 --> 00:08:30,280 Speaker 2: I want to know what sort of your seven months 201 00:08:30,320 --> 00:08:32,880 Speaker 2: of healing looked like? Yeah, would you say it was 202 00:08:32,920 --> 00:08:35,480 Speaker 2: like very intentional? Would you have considered yourself kind of 203 00:08:35,559 --> 00:08:36,240 Speaker 2: boys sober? 204 00:08:36,280 --> 00:08:37,720 Speaker 3: Were you like dating at all? 205 00:08:37,920 --> 00:08:38,000 Speaker 1: Like? 206 00:08:38,400 --> 00:08:39,240 Speaker 3: What did that look like? 207 00:08:39,320 --> 00:08:43,320 Speaker 4: A lot of pilates and a lot of tears. I 208 00:08:43,400 --> 00:08:44,320 Speaker 4: swear to fucking got it. 209 00:08:44,320 --> 00:08:45,719 Speaker 1: And one day I'd be like, I don't need him, 210 00:08:45,800 --> 00:08:47,720 Speaker 1: I'm not bitch. The next I'm like, oh my god, 211 00:08:48,120 --> 00:08:51,920 Speaker 1: who am I without him? Like I'll never heal? Healing 212 00:08:52,040 --> 00:08:54,720 Speaker 1: is turbulent. It's like being on a spirit airline in 213 00:08:54,720 --> 00:08:56,080 Speaker 1: the middle of a thunderstorm. 214 00:08:56,880 --> 00:08:58,480 Speaker 4: I feel like it's been. 215 00:08:58,400 --> 00:09:00,360 Speaker 1: Very chaotic, and I've been really like to be able 216 00:09:00,400 --> 00:09:02,040 Speaker 1: to like share some of that because I think there's 217 00:09:02,040 --> 00:09:04,880 Speaker 1: so much strength in understanding that, like a breakup won't 218 00:09:04,920 --> 00:09:08,440 Speaker 1: break you, even though you feel like it. Being in 219 00:09:08,440 --> 00:09:10,440 Speaker 1: love with someone that knows every single thing about you 220 00:09:10,520 --> 00:09:12,600 Speaker 1: and then learning how to be on your own again 221 00:09:12,760 --> 00:09:16,840 Speaker 1: is truly just traumatizing, but it's gotten a lot better. 222 00:09:16,920 --> 00:09:18,800 Speaker 1: So I think for me, the last seven months have 223 00:09:18,840 --> 00:09:23,079 Speaker 1: been about Number one, what are the insecurities that I've faced. 224 00:09:22,840 --> 00:09:26,000 Speaker 4: Before him and that I'm still facing now without him. 225 00:09:26,400 --> 00:09:30,080 Speaker 1: You know, I struggle a lot with like my body acceptance, 226 00:09:30,320 --> 00:09:33,960 Speaker 1: my self talk, imposter syndrome. I mean, I still struggle, 227 00:09:34,120 --> 00:09:37,920 Speaker 1: and I think what is really exciting is that at 228 00:09:38,000 --> 00:09:40,360 Speaker 1: least I'm struggling and haven't given up, and I don't 229 00:09:40,720 --> 00:09:43,640 Speaker 1: make it make me bitter like I would rather. You 230 00:09:43,679 --> 00:09:45,240 Speaker 1: can't lose if you don't quit, And I feel that 231 00:09:45,280 --> 00:09:48,000 Speaker 1: way about my insecurities, so I don't expect them to 232 00:09:48,000 --> 00:09:50,360 Speaker 1: go in away anytime soon. Like some mornings i wake 233 00:09:50,440 --> 00:09:53,600 Speaker 1: up and I'm like, oh, Umshrek's toe, and then the 234 00:09:53,679 --> 00:09:55,880 Speaker 1: other morning, I'll be like, oh my god, I'm a 235 00:09:56,040 --> 00:09:59,240 Speaker 1: bad and I think we've had a lot of rhetoric 236 00:09:59,280 --> 00:10:01,160 Speaker 1: that's been like too be a bad bitch. 237 00:10:01,160 --> 00:10:02,400 Speaker 4: You have to be confident all the time. 238 00:10:02,440 --> 00:10:05,160 Speaker 1: That's not the case, right, Like we're both like there's 239 00:10:05,160 --> 00:10:07,000 Speaker 1: so much love around you, and I think when you 240 00:10:07,040 --> 00:10:11,400 Speaker 1: do decenter the wrong person, expect the next six months 241 00:10:11,440 --> 00:10:14,600 Speaker 1: of your life to be kind of like hillacious in 242 00:10:14,640 --> 00:10:17,400 Speaker 1: the sense that like you'll have moments of great like, Wow, 243 00:10:17,559 --> 00:10:20,200 Speaker 1: I'm doing it on my own, this is amazing. None 244 00:10:20,200 --> 00:10:22,160 Speaker 1: of my healing has ever been about him. It's been 245 00:10:22,200 --> 00:10:25,040 Speaker 1: about knowing that I will still be standing after him 246 00:10:25,080 --> 00:10:27,000 Speaker 1: and after the next breakup, and after the next breakup, 247 00:10:27,400 --> 00:10:30,080 Speaker 1: all you have is yourself. But I can't go into 248 00:10:30,120 --> 00:10:32,840 Speaker 1: my next relationship hating some of the things I hated 249 00:10:32,880 --> 00:10:34,920 Speaker 1: about myself while I was with him, you know, So 250 00:10:35,360 --> 00:10:37,959 Speaker 1: that breakup time is really pivotal, and I feel like 251 00:10:38,000 --> 00:10:40,840 Speaker 1: I've gotten to learn myself a lot more because I'm 252 00:10:40,920 --> 00:10:43,199 Speaker 1: looking to have fun right now. But I don't want 253 00:10:43,200 --> 00:10:44,440 Speaker 1: to have fun with people that I don't see a 254 00:10:44,440 --> 00:10:45,000 Speaker 1: potential with. 255 00:10:45,200 --> 00:10:48,040 Speaker 2: Tell me, yeah, tell me about when you really started, 256 00:10:48,280 --> 00:10:51,040 Speaker 2: like your public journey, did it start sort of with 257 00:10:51,080 --> 00:10:53,800 Speaker 2: like dating, advice, matchmaking things like that or was it 258 00:10:53,880 --> 00:10:54,800 Speaker 2: another No. 259 00:10:54,880 --> 00:10:56,920 Speaker 1: I started being like, here's where the metals with bachelor's 260 00:10:57,240 --> 00:10:58,360 Speaker 1: because that's where I was. 261 00:10:58,480 --> 00:10:59,400 Speaker 3: Oh, that's where I was. 262 00:10:59,480 --> 00:11:01,839 Speaker 4: I was going out to meet men, and like I 263 00:11:01,880 --> 00:11:02,280 Speaker 4: loved it. 264 00:11:02,400 --> 00:11:05,160 Speaker 1: And I think, like, honestly, I still like going to 265 00:11:05,240 --> 00:11:07,160 Speaker 1: a bar and flirting with the hot guy totally, that's all. 266 00:11:07,200 --> 00:11:09,080 Speaker 1: I don't want to be right, you know what I mean. 267 00:11:10,200 --> 00:11:13,000 Speaker 1: But I think what's interesting now as I've grown, is 268 00:11:13,040 --> 00:11:16,280 Speaker 1: like now I match them from a place of power. 269 00:11:16,600 --> 00:11:18,320 Speaker 1: It's like, oh, you're a dick. I don't give a 270 00:11:18,320 --> 00:11:20,200 Speaker 1: fuck it out of my face. I'll buy my own drink. 271 00:11:20,240 --> 00:11:23,600 Speaker 1: I don't want to time right at that point, I 272 00:11:23,600 --> 00:11:27,040 Speaker 1: remember I was like sneaking in Smirnoff ice and water bottles, 273 00:11:27,120 --> 00:11:31,200 Speaker 1: like to the bar because I can't afford you know, 274 00:11:31,240 --> 00:11:34,160 Speaker 1: classy trash. It's always what I what I like to do. 275 00:11:34,280 --> 00:11:37,080 Speaker 1: But I think, like I wish and I hope for 276 00:11:37,520 --> 00:11:39,640 Speaker 1: this next. Like what I love about TikTok. You hear 277 00:11:39,640 --> 00:11:42,120 Speaker 1: so many people's different opinion and then it can be 278 00:11:42,160 --> 00:11:44,080 Speaker 1: really toxic. But there's also if you can find that 279 00:11:44,160 --> 00:11:47,280 Speaker 1: like comfortability circle, just like someone that helps you remind 280 00:11:47,320 --> 00:11:50,080 Speaker 1: yourself that you're deserving and that there is love out there, 281 00:11:50,080 --> 00:11:52,480 Speaker 1: because I think we hear a lot of all men suck, 282 00:11:52,600 --> 00:11:55,080 Speaker 1: there's no one good left, and I like to think 283 00:11:55,160 --> 00:11:57,959 Speaker 1: there are always going to be good people. We have 284 00:11:58,040 --> 00:12:01,240 Speaker 1: to reject the negative pieceeople that are blocking you from 285 00:12:01,280 --> 00:12:01,960 Speaker 1: the good people. 286 00:12:02,080 --> 00:12:04,360 Speaker 5: Don't let your fuck boys stop you from your husband. 287 00:12:04,880 --> 00:12:07,679 Speaker 5: And that's what I like to you know, show on 288 00:12:07,760 --> 00:12:08,400 Speaker 5: my page. 289 00:12:08,920 --> 00:12:11,839 Speaker 2: Yeah, I like, I feel like you potentially were born 290 00:12:11,880 --> 00:12:13,120 Speaker 2: with matchmaker energy. 291 00:12:13,360 --> 00:12:16,160 Speaker 1: Like were you like on the playground? 292 00:12:17,720 --> 00:12:19,880 Speaker 4: I yeah. 293 00:12:20,000 --> 00:12:22,160 Speaker 1: When I was a kid, my parents were divorce when 294 00:12:22,200 --> 00:12:24,520 Speaker 1: I was six months old. I never saw love except 295 00:12:24,520 --> 00:12:26,760 Speaker 1: for on TV, and like, what the fuck is that? 296 00:12:26,960 --> 00:12:28,840 Speaker 1: Like it's just random people meeting in a grocery store 297 00:12:28,840 --> 00:12:30,079 Speaker 1: and falling in love and kissing in the rain and 298 00:12:30,120 --> 00:12:30,839 Speaker 1: they're married forever. 299 00:12:31,160 --> 00:12:32,120 Speaker 4: That's not realistic. 300 00:12:32,480 --> 00:12:34,199 Speaker 1: So I always wanted to match make my parents and 301 00:12:34,240 --> 00:12:36,240 Speaker 1: I would like do schemes to get them back together. 302 00:12:36,320 --> 00:12:37,439 Speaker 3: Tell me about some scheme. 303 00:12:38,559 --> 00:12:38,839 Speaker 5: Scheme. 304 00:12:38,920 --> 00:12:41,000 Speaker 1: Tell me I'd like pretend to get sick at school 305 00:12:41,120 --> 00:12:43,040 Speaker 1: and get them to call both of my parents to 306 00:12:43,160 --> 00:12:45,520 Speaker 1: come pick them up, Like bitch, I was flotting that 307 00:12:45,640 --> 00:12:47,040 Speaker 1: is yeah, No, I was going on. 308 00:12:47,960 --> 00:12:50,280 Speaker 4: That's amazing, and I would sabotage who they were. 309 00:12:51,080 --> 00:12:53,360 Speaker 3: You're lying, I was your parents? 310 00:12:53,840 --> 00:12:54,280 Speaker 2: Good for you? 311 00:12:54,400 --> 00:12:54,920 Speaker 1: Girl? Right? 312 00:12:56,480 --> 00:12:57,280 Speaker 3: Did it ever work? 313 00:12:57,880 --> 00:13:00,440 Speaker 4: But you can't blame the girl for dry of course. 314 00:13:01,080 --> 00:13:03,599 Speaker 1: But yeah, I think like truly as someone that was 315 00:13:03,600 --> 00:13:07,320 Speaker 1: always on the outskirts of being desirable quote unquote, like 316 00:13:07,520 --> 00:13:09,320 Speaker 1: since I grew up, I was always knows like the 317 00:13:09,360 --> 00:13:11,720 Speaker 1: fact girl right. And I think this also shows for 318 00:13:11,760 --> 00:13:15,360 Speaker 1: a lot of like queer relationships, you don't have a 319 00:13:15,400 --> 00:13:19,240 Speaker 1: lot of exposure to what that relationship looks like because 320 00:13:19,760 --> 00:13:22,839 Speaker 1: in entertainment's always tropes you have like the gay best 321 00:13:22,880 --> 00:13:26,600 Speaker 1: friend or hyper sexualized queer communities, which is not the case. 322 00:13:26,960 --> 00:13:29,760 Speaker 1: So when I created Streethearts, my goal was to show 323 00:13:29,840 --> 00:13:33,000 Speaker 1: real people just being themselves, yapping and seeing if there's 324 00:13:33,040 --> 00:13:35,560 Speaker 1: a connection, because I know what it was like to 325 00:13:35,640 --> 00:13:38,160 Speaker 1: be lost and be told by like Patti Zanger, like 326 00:13:38,160 --> 00:13:39,800 Speaker 1: from a million dollar matchmaker, that if you are not 327 00:13:39,800 --> 00:13:41,880 Speaker 1: a size too, no man will like you, and if 328 00:13:41,880 --> 00:13:43,760 Speaker 1: you have an opinion, no man will like you. And 329 00:13:43,880 --> 00:13:47,560 Speaker 1: I'm the antithesis of that, amplifying that representation of not 330 00:13:47,679 --> 00:13:50,400 Speaker 1: just tropes and more of like real people is what 331 00:13:50,520 --> 00:13:53,240 Speaker 1: I hope the future of entertainment. But also the dating 332 00:13:53,280 --> 00:13:55,800 Speaker 1: space is so important as young kids are learning how 333 00:13:55,800 --> 00:13:59,199 Speaker 1: to date, like you know, eighteen twenty, you feel like 334 00:13:59,200 --> 00:14:00,880 Speaker 1: if you don't look like person in the magazine, that 335 00:14:00,920 --> 00:14:01,720 Speaker 1: you don't deserve love. 336 00:14:02,120 --> 00:14:03,160 Speaker 4: So there's almost this. 337 00:14:03,280 --> 00:14:06,840 Speaker 1: Like amazing ability now with TikTok to show different people 338 00:14:07,120 --> 00:14:09,200 Speaker 1: and I really hope that, like, even if it's just 339 00:14:09,280 --> 00:14:13,040 Speaker 1: like someone understanding that, like they can be themselves by 340 00:14:13,040 --> 00:14:15,840 Speaker 1: watching Streethearts or reading you know, modern Dating for Dummies. 341 00:14:15,880 --> 00:14:17,960 Speaker 1: It's like there's a place for you even if you 342 00:14:18,000 --> 00:14:19,240 Speaker 1: haven't seen it yet, it exists. 343 00:14:38,800 --> 00:14:41,360 Speaker 2: What is like a piece of advice you see circulating 344 00:14:41,400 --> 00:14:43,560 Speaker 2: online that you think is like the worst piece of 345 00:14:43,640 --> 00:14:44,360 Speaker 2: dating advice. 346 00:14:45,200 --> 00:14:50,040 Speaker 1: Oh, I really hate the rhetoric that like men only 347 00:14:50,200 --> 00:14:54,440 Speaker 1: like they call it your feminine energy completely. I feel 348 00:14:54,440 --> 00:14:56,840 Speaker 1: like that's just another blanket statement of saying a woman 349 00:14:56,920 --> 00:15:00,640 Speaker 1: that doesn't have an opinion or only placates men. If 350 00:15:00,680 --> 00:15:03,200 Speaker 1: you're naturally soft spoken and like someone to lead, I 351 00:15:03,200 --> 00:15:06,240 Speaker 1: think that's great, But also there's a difference between someone 352 00:15:06,440 --> 00:15:10,440 Speaker 1: leading you and owning you. And to me, if you 353 00:15:10,600 --> 00:15:12,040 Speaker 1: like when a guy orders for you at the restaurant. 354 00:15:12,040 --> 00:15:13,760 Speaker 1: That's great, but a guy that actually cares about you 355 00:15:13,800 --> 00:15:15,680 Speaker 1: will ask what your favorite type of food is or 356 00:15:15,720 --> 00:15:18,480 Speaker 1: will ask like what area is comfortable for you. I 357 00:15:18,520 --> 00:15:22,680 Speaker 1: hate this binary of like alpha male and woman. That's 358 00:15:22,760 --> 00:15:26,080 Speaker 1: like just wanting to be that again. If that's what 359 00:15:26,120 --> 00:15:28,640 Speaker 1: you want, great, but make sure that you're being respected 360 00:15:28,720 --> 00:15:32,000 Speaker 1: through it. Like in high school, towards my mid twenties, 361 00:15:32,080 --> 00:15:33,520 Speaker 1: I felt like guys would only like me if I 362 00:15:33,560 --> 00:15:36,640 Speaker 1: watered myself down. So I think that advice is really 363 00:15:36,640 --> 00:15:39,680 Speaker 1: shitty because yes, you can get the millionaire with the Bugatti, 364 00:15:39,840 --> 00:15:44,840 Speaker 1: and you know, like, if he doesn't love you and respect, 365 00:15:44,880 --> 00:15:46,240 Speaker 1: you're gonna feel like you're in a trailer park. 366 00:15:46,320 --> 00:15:47,880 Speaker 4: So that's my advice. 367 00:15:48,640 --> 00:15:51,640 Speaker 1: Don't don't chase the person on paper, and don't water 368 00:15:51,720 --> 00:15:53,720 Speaker 1: yourself down for the wrong person because you think that's. 369 00:15:53,600 --> 00:15:56,960 Speaker 4: All they'll like. Especially I can go one last come on. 370 00:15:58,960 --> 00:16:00,600 Speaker 1: The worst advice that I've ever heard is that guys 371 00:16:00,640 --> 00:16:04,479 Speaker 1: only like one certain type of body, and I think that's. 372 00:16:04,560 --> 00:16:08,560 Speaker 4: Really created just generational trauma is so many people, and 373 00:16:08,600 --> 00:16:09,720 Speaker 4: it's not just for women. 374 00:16:09,840 --> 00:16:12,720 Speaker 1: I also think it impacts all genders in a sense 375 00:16:12,760 --> 00:16:15,560 Speaker 1: that like no matter who you're sexually attracted to the 376 00:16:15,680 --> 00:16:17,080 Speaker 1: idea that there's. 377 00:16:16,960 --> 00:16:19,400 Speaker 4: One body that someone likes, it's not the truth. 378 00:16:19,680 --> 00:16:21,280 Speaker 1: You know, you're so much more than your body, and 379 00:16:21,320 --> 00:16:24,040 Speaker 1: so much love you more than just your body, because 380 00:16:24,120 --> 00:16:25,520 Speaker 1: those types of people that only like I for your 381 00:16:25,520 --> 00:16:26,840 Speaker 1: body are the same type people that might cheat on 382 00:16:26,880 --> 00:16:29,000 Speaker 1: you when you get pregnant. You know what I mean, right, 383 00:16:29,040 --> 00:16:31,080 Speaker 1: So let's go a little deeper. That's what I of 384 00:16:31,200 --> 00:16:33,400 Speaker 1: course you know, and I think it's it's really important 385 00:16:33,440 --> 00:16:38,080 Speaker 1: for young people in general. Like sex can be a 386 00:16:38,120 --> 00:16:40,320 Speaker 1: band aid on a bullet wound, right in the sense that, 387 00:16:40,360 --> 00:16:43,120 Speaker 1: like you get a dopamine hit of what affection feels like, 388 00:16:43,400 --> 00:16:44,160 Speaker 1: but that's not affection. 389 00:16:44,200 --> 00:16:44,800 Speaker 4: That's at tension. 390 00:16:45,280 --> 00:16:49,280 Speaker 1: And I think it's so important to make sure that 391 00:16:49,320 --> 00:16:52,440 Speaker 1: everyone dating, whether it's just to have casual fun, you 392 00:16:52,480 --> 00:16:55,520 Speaker 1: feel empowered by it and it's liberating, but you're not 393 00:16:56,280 --> 00:16:58,680 Speaker 1: sleeping with someone in order to hope that they'll love 394 00:16:58,680 --> 00:17:01,240 Speaker 1: you more by doing it, Because I think that's something that, 395 00:17:01,360 --> 00:17:03,680 Speaker 1: especially when you're younger, you get lost in because you're 396 00:17:03,960 --> 00:17:06,800 Speaker 1: experiencing all this for the first time, and a lot 397 00:17:06,800 --> 00:17:10,200 Speaker 1: of times, if you do struggle with insecurities, you tell yourself, like. 398 00:17:10,200 --> 00:17:11,399 Speaker 4: This is the best I can get. 399 00:17:11,640 --> 00:17:14,600 Speaker 1: So my whole new approach as I've grown older and 400 00:17:14,640 --> 00:17:17,840 Speaker 1: really proved to myself that like, honestly, it's better to 401 00:17:17,880 --> 00:17:22,320 Speaker 1: be alone than with the wrong motherfucker, and I practice that, 402 00:17:22,600 --> 00:17:27,320 Speaker 1: and I think it sometimes takes leaving what you've always known, resetting, 403 00:17:27,640 --> 00:17:30,280 Speaker 1: do a whole metamorphosis, like pause your subscription. 404 00:17:29,920 --> 00:17:31,399 Speaker 4: Get in the cocao, get in the cocoon. 405 00:17:31,440 --> 00:17:32,919 Speaker 1: I feel like every few years I get in the 406 00:17:32,920 --> 00:17:34,840 Speaker 1: cocoon totally, and I'm like, because I want to come 407 00:17:34,840 --> 00:17:36,920 Speaker 1: out a better version of myself and not for anybody else. 408 00:17:36,960 --> 00:17:40,640 Speaker 4: And that's why I like, you know, I always. 409 00:17:40,320 --> 00:17:43,000 Speaker 1: Feel like being bullied, broke and confused it is the 410 00:17:43,000 --> 00:17:45,280 Speaker 1: best thing that ever happened, because I feel like, in 411 00:17:45,280 --> 00:17:47,520 Speaker 1: a way, like I've realized I when I was like 412 00:17:48,119 --> 00:17:49,920 Speaker 1: eighteen to twenty five, I thought I was going to 413 00:17:50,000 --> 00:17:53,159 Speaker 1: have the picket fence and the Prince Charming, but the 414 00:17:53,200 --> 00:17:55,840 Speaker 1: American dream guys sometimes in an American nightmare. 415 00:17:55,600 --> 00:17:57,720 Speaker 4: Right and if American psycho. 416 00:18:00,119 --> 00:18:03,280 Speaker 1: But uh, for me, I'm still in this process of 417 00:18:03,359 --> 00:18:05,960 Speaker 1: learning to love myself. But I'm gonna give myself everything, 418 00:18:06,000 --> 00:18:09,080 Speaker 1: and I want to date out of desire not desperation. 419 00:18:09,840 --> 00:18:12,320 Speaker 2: And what would you say to that person who feels 420 00:18:12,320 --> 00:18:14,720 Speaker 2: like there's not a place for them but they like 421 00:18:14,880 --> 00:18:18,360 Speaker 2: want desperately to step out or step into a relationship, 422 00:18:18,400 --> 00:18:20,080 Speaker 2: Like what's that first step look like? 423 00:18:20,840 --> 00:18:26,760 Speaker 4: So people are gonna talk shit? Yeah, I trying to 424 00:18:26,760 --> 00:18:28,280 Speaker 4: get fair warning right right. 425 00:18:28,920 --> 00:18:32,040 Speaker 1: Being who you are will never be without people putting 426 00:18:32,040 --> 00:18:32,960 Speaker 1: you down or talking shit. 427 00:18:33,000 --> 00:18:34,280 Speaker 4: But they're gonna do that either way. 428 00:18:34,800 --> 00:18:37,920 Speaker 1: So to me, I would say, find out what makes 429 00:18:38,000 --> 00:18:40,720 Speaker 1: you happy, whether it's like I mean, I'm wearing clown colors, 430 00:18:40,800 --> 00:18:42,280 Speaker 1: I love to wear bright colors. 431 00:18:42,320 --> 00:18:43,080 Speaker 4: I like to do that. 432 00:18:43,119 --> 00:18:45,200 Speaker 1: I like to I might be too loud to some 433 00:18:45,480 --> 00:18:47,600 Speaker 1: or I might be too opinionated to some, but you 434 00:18:47,640 --> 00:18:49,399 Speaker 1: have to go inward. So I would say, like, if 435 00:18:49,440 --> 00:18:52,000 Speaker 1: you're just starting to date, no matter your age, whether 436 00:18:52,000 --> 00:18:54,960 Speaker 1: that's post divorce or you're just first college relationship, write 437 00:18:55,000 --> 00:18:55,960 Speaker 1: down like what. 438 00:18:55,840 --> 00:18:56,560 Speaker 4: You like about you? 439 00:18:56,800 --> 00:18:57,760 Speaker 3: Do you like to bold? 440 00:18:57,840 --> 00:18:59,320 Speaker 4: Do you like to go party all night? 441 00:18:59,359 --> 00:18:59,399 Speaker 5: Like? 442 00:18:59,440 --> 00:18:59,960 Speaker 4: Whatever that is? 443 00:19:00,440 --> 00:19:02,480 Speaker 1: Because you're not looking for someone to complete you, You're 444 00:19:02,480 --> 00:19:04,959 Speaker 1: looking for someone to reflect you in certain ways. So 445 00:19:05,640 --> 00:19:07,080 Speaker 1: how the fuck are you gonna find someone to love 446 00:19:07,080 --> 00:19:08,320 Speaker 1: You don't know what you love about yourself? 447 00:19:08,760 --> 00:19:11,120 Speaker 4: So get a pin and paper, write it down. 448 00:19:11,760 --> 00:19:14,359 Speaker 2: I'm like, this is another thing I'm gonna put into 449 00:19:14,359 --> 00:19:15,320 Speaker 2: my brain forever. 450 00:19:15,640 --> 00:19:16,000 Speaker 4: I got you. 451 00:19:16,800 --> 00:19:19,600 Speaker 2: I loved your quote. How you date is how you live? Yes, 452 00:19:19,760 --> 00:19:21,760 Speaker 2: can you just tell me about the inspiration behind that? 453 00:19:22,080 --> 00:19:23,520 Speaker 4: One hundred percent? Again? 454 00:19:23,680 --> 00:19:26,040 Speaker 1: As a deeply insecure baddy for most of my life, 455 00:19:26,080 --> 00:19:27,200 Speaker 1: I realized that, like, I. 456 00:19:27,200 --> 00:19:34,280 Speaker 2: Wait, totally a deeply insecure baddy. I like, yeah, no, right, 457 00:19:34,320 --> 00:19:36,359 Speaker 2: because you have to like come out of that and 458 00:19:36,400 --> 00:19:38,560 Speaker 2: it's all I just like those two together because it 459 00:19:38,600 --> 00:19:39,800 Speaker 2: proves that it's always within you. 460 00:19:39,920 --> 00:19:41,320 Speaker 4: Oh yeah, no I am. 461 00:19:41,400 --> 00:19:43,080 Speaker 1: I'm not sitting here to say like, oh I took 462 00:19:43,119 --> 00:19:45,800 Speaker 1: a magic potion in it's a confident. I literally have 463 00:19:45,840 --> 00:19:47,480 Speaker 1: cried in the back of the uber this last month 464 00:19:47,520 --> 00:19:49,720 Speaker 1: about not feeling good enough, and I'm sure I'll do 465 00:19:49,760 --> 00:19:52,760 Speaker 1: it again, right, But what I will say is that 466 00:19:53,080 --> 00:19:56,280 Speaker 1: how you live is how you date. It embodies two things. 467 00:19:56,359 --> 00:19:58,840 Speaker 1: It's the narratives that you tell yourself. So the same 468 00:19:58,840 --> 00:20:00,240 Speaker 1: way that you say, oh my god, that pers is 469 00:20:00,240 --> 00:20:01,440 Speaker 1: out of my league is the same way that you're 470 00:20:01,440 --> 00:20:03,399 Speaker 1: gonna say that job is out of my league, or 471 00:20:03,440 --> 00:20:04,840 Speaker 1: the same way that you say, like they could get 472 00:20:04,880 --> 00:20:06,399 Speaker 1: that guy but I couldn't. That's same way that you 473 00:20:06,400 --> 00:20:08,280 Speaker 1: say they could pull out that outfit but I can't. 474 00:20:08,640 --> 00:20:12,200 Speaker 1: So rather than telling yourself and limiting yourself, whether that's 475 00:20:12,240 --> 00:20:14,440 Speaker 1: in dating or in life, it's all the same because 476 00:20:14,440 --> 00:20:16,280 Speaker 1: if you limit yourself in one thing, you're gonna still 477 00:20:16,280 --> 00:20:19,280 Speaker 1: have those those thought processes and limits in everything you 478 00:20:19,320 --> 00:20:22,479 Speaker 1: do of course. So I mean I think, like, in 479 00:20:22,520 --> 00:20:26,639 Speaker 1: my opinion, shoot your shot, figure it out, So like 480 00:20:26,760 --> 00:20:28,720 Speaker 1: how you live is how you date to me, means 481 00:20:28,760 --> 00:20:31,520 Speaker 1: like shoot your shot with a person, a job, a career. 482 00:20:31,800 --> 00:20:33,959 Speaker 1: And also, don't let other people tell you that you 483 00:20:34,040 --> 00:20:36,359 Speaker 1: have to live by their rules. So you know, no 484 00:20:36,400 --> 00:20:38,000 Speaker 1: matter who you're attracted to, do, no matter where you 485 00:20:38,080 --> 00:20:40,040 Speaker 1: want to live, no matter what it is like, play 486 00:20:40,080 --> 00:20:42,080 Speaker 1: by your own rules, do things on your own terms. 487 00:20:42,119 --> 00:20:44,840 Speaker 4: And if people talk shit, let them give them some entertainment. 488 00:20:45,240 --> 00:20:48,119 Speaker 3: Right, give them something to talk about. Yeah. 489 00:20:48,920 --> 00:20:52,200 Speaker 2: No, I'm resonating with this because I've never thought about 490 00:20:52,200 --> 00:20:53,880 Speaker 2: it that way, how you live and how you date. 491 00:20:54,560 --> 00:20:57,240 Speaker 2: But it makes a lot of sense as someone like 492 00:20:57,680 --> 00:20:59,159 Speaker 2: We've been talking about this a little bit, but I 493 00:20:59,200 --> 00:21:02,199 Speaker 2: haven't totally explained and like, yeah, am I still boy sober? 494 00:21:02,200 --> 00:21:05,400 Speaker 3: What's going on? With me there, I am trying. 495 00:21:05,119 --> 00:21:08,240 Speaker 2: To be still and sort of like re entering the cocoon, 496 00:21:08,480 --> 00:21:11,320 Speaker 2: like we were talking about trying to like not have 497 00:21:11,359 --> 00:21:13,320 Speaker 2: sex with men because it makes me crazy. 498 00:21:13,520 --> 00:21:15,639 Speaker 4: Okay, why does it make you crazy? 499 00:21:15,800 --> 00:21:16,600 Speaker 3: Thank you for asking? 500 00:21:17,800 --> 00:21:18,960 Speaker 4: I mean, girl, I probably really. 501 00:21:20,560 --> 00:21:22,800 Speaker 2: I think it makes me get too attached and to 502 00:21:22,960 --> 00:21:28,000 Speaker 2: emotional and I've found out that my attachment style is fearful, disorganized. 503 00:21:28,040 --> 00:21:30,600 Speaker 2: And this is like when you want someone close to you, 504 00:21:30,720 --> 00:21:32,119 Speaker 2: but then as soon as they are close to you, 505 00:21:32,119 --> 00:21:33,200 Speaker 2: you push them away. 506 00:21:33,000 --> 00:21:34,240 Speaker 3: And then you're like in this loop. 507 00:21:34,560 --> 00:21:37,280 Speaker 1: Do you feel close to other people in different senses 508 00:21:37,320 --> 00:21:39,320 Speaker 1: other than sex where that brings that same feeling? 509 00:21:39,600 --> 00:21:39,800 Speaker 5: Right? 510 00:21:39,880 --> 00:21:40,320 Speaker 3: Totally. 511 00:21:40,359 --> 00:21:42,199 Speaker 2: I think sex is a really easy way for me 512 00:21:42,240 --> 00:21:44,680 Speaker 2: to feel connected, Okay, Right, And it's like you sort 513 00:21:44,720 --> 00:21:47,040 Speaker 2: of said bandaid on a bullet wound, and I think 514 00:21:47,040 --> 00:21:49,840 Speaker 2: it's like a really simple way to feel like you're 515 00:21:49,840 --> 00:21:51,080 Speaker 2: close to someone because. 516 00:21:50,840 --> 00:21:51,879 Speaker 4: I'm an emotional slut. 517 00:21:52,000 --> 00:21:53,919 Speaker 1: Right, I could not have sex with someone, and like 518 00:21:53,920 --> 00:21:56,280 Speaker 1: I could have sex with somebody like, oh good riddance. Right, 519 00:21:56,359 --> 00:21:58,280 Speaker 1: have a great rest of your life, sir. But if 520 00:21:58,280 --> 00:22:00,399 Speaker 1: I have a martini and spill my whole life to 521 00:22:00,480 --> 00:22:04,840 Speaker 1: someone else, right, my husband, right right, vulnerable. But I 522 00:22:04,880 --> 00:22:07,320 Speaker 1: think that it's so interesting that, like to your point, 523 00:22:07,400 --> 00:22:09,600 Speaker 1: you can define it how you want, right, like when 524 00:22:09,640 --> 00:22:11,120 Speaker 1: I'm emotionally slutty and I'm like. 525 00:22:11,280 --> 00:22:13,560 Speaker 4: I do not know that man's middle name. Why does 526 00:22:13,640 --> 00:22:17,000 Speaker 4: he know everyone that's ever hurt me in my life? Yeah? 527 00:22:17,119 --> 00:22:21,720 Speaker 4: So so it's more the physical is what makes you crazy? Yeah, yeah, 528 00:22:21,720 --> 00:22:26,120 Speaker 4: you're not crazy, You're just passionate. But I was in entile. 529 00:22:26,160 --> 00:22:28,680 Speaker 4: Don't ask me about it. I don't be on your side. 530 00:22:28,840 --> 00:22:30,159 Speaker 2: But I guess I want to know, like, do you 531 00:22:30,200 --> 00:22:32,200 Speaker 2: think I should be dating or do you think I 532 00:22:32,200 --> 00:22:34,639 Speaker 2: should just like really not even date sort of in 533 00:22:34,680 --> 00:22:37,320 Speaker 2: this like re entering a cocoon era, like in your 534 00:22:37,320 --> 00:22:39,919 Speaker 2: healing era, were you going on dates or it was 535 00:22:39,960 --> 00:22:42,399 Speaker 2: just pilates and tears like you were saying. 536 00:22:44,160 --> 00:22:46,159 Speaker 1: So, okay, I have a few questions before I answer 537 00:22:46,200 --> 00:22:48,760 Speaker 1: your question, but I will say in my experience, I 538 00:22:48,800 --> 00:22:51,000 Speaker 1: went on like two or three dates. One date was 539 00:22:51,000 --> 00:22:53,440 Speaker 1: like eight hours, so amazing. I love this man, and 540 00:22:53,480 --> 00:22:55,399 Speaker 1: then he ghosted me and still likes every single one 541 00:22:55,400 --> 00:22:58,960 Speaker 1: of my Instagram stories. Annoying, I mean, like, but to me, 542 00:22:59,040 --> 00:23:01,040 Speaker 1: I don't take it if it's like okay, like you're 543 00:23:01,080 --> 00:23:04,920 Speaker 1: a fan, Like like I'm okay, Like I people'll show you. 544 00:23:05,000 --> 00:23:07,280 Speaker 1: So what I always say is like I went on 545 00:23:07,320 --> 00:23:09,520 Speaker 1: like three or four dates in the seven months. 546 00:23:09,880 --> 00:23:11,560 Speaker 4: Now I've been on like three days this. 547 00:23:11,560 --> 00:23:14,080 Speaker 1: Week, because it's like ebbs and flows, like I feel 548 00:23:14,080 --> 00:23:16,280 Speaker 1: good and when I feel good, I'll date when I 549 00:23:16,280 --> 00:23:18,159 Speaker 1: feel good, and then if I don't feel good and 550 00:23:18,200 --> 00:23:20,280 Speaker 1: I want to be in cocoon. Fully, I hate this 551 00:23:20,359 --> 00:23:22,080 Speaker 1: idea that you have to be one way, like the 552 00:23:22,160 --> 00:23:25,200 Speaker 1: clean girl that does pilates and then like only. 553 00:23:25,080 --> 00:23:25,880 Speaker 4: Drinks green juice. 554 00:23:25,920 --> 00:23:28,480 Speaker 1: Like you could be a girl that doesn't have sex 555 00:23:28,480 --> 00:23:30,600 Speaker 1: for six months and then has sex every day. 556 00:23:30,520 --> 00:23:30,880 Speaker 2: For the week. 557 00:23:31,200 --> 00:23:34,120 Speaker 4: There's protection, and or you could be someone that works 558 00:23:34,160 --> 00:23:36,159 Speaker 4: out all the time and doesn't you know. I think 559 00:23:36,600 --> 00:23:37,520 Speaker 4: my advice. 560 00:23:37,320 --> 00:23:40,280 Speaker 1: For you only you know when you feel good, right, 561 00:23:40,440 --> 00:23:42,960 Speaker 1: and don't force yourself or put pressure on yourself to 562 00:23:43,040 --> 00:23:45,639 Speaker 1: either stay boy sober or to not because of what 563 00:23:45,680 --> 00:23:48,400 Speaker 1: other people think or the judgment that you have on yourself. 564 00:23:48,480 --> 00:23:49,960 Speaker 1: Because I think a lot of times we carry the 565 00:23:50,000 --> 00:23:53,919 Speaker 1: baggage of like resentment and disappointment, and like how we 566 00:23:54,040 --> 00:23:56,520 Speaker 1: can be so hard on ourselves And I'm really bad 567 00:23:56,520 --> 00:23:59,119 Speaker 1: at that I'm a perfectionist. I would never talk to 568 00:23:59,119 --> 00:24:01,439 Speaker 1: my friends away that. Sometimes I talk to myself, of course, 569 00:24:01,520 --> 00:24:04,720 Speaker 1: And I think all I could say to you is that, 570 00:24:04,800 --> 00:24:07,640 Speaker 1: like you deserve to be in control of your dating life, 571 00:24:07,680 --> 00:24:10,240 Speaker 1: feel happy and empowered by doing it. So if you 572 00:24:10,240 --> 00:24:12,960 Speaker 1: call me tomorrow and you're like tiff, like I'm. 573 00:24:12,560 --> 00:24:14,440 Speaker 4: At a guy and I want to sleep with them. 574 00:24:14,560 --> 00:24:17,000 Speaker 1: Great, right, And if you do it and then you 575 00:24:17,040 --> 00:24:20,000 Speaker 1: don't feel good about it, reassess what went wrong? What happened, Like, 576 00:24:20,080 --> 00:24:22,440 Speaker 1: how do I move forward from there? I honestly think 577 00:24:22,440 --> 00:24:24,119 Speaker 1: we're just in like the dating lab, Like we're a 578 00:24:24,119 --> 00:24:27,520 Speaker 1: little nice trying to find like what works. Like it's 579 00:24:27,560 --> 00:24:30,479 Speaker 1: a lot of experimentation, and I think you're really good 580 00:24:30,520 --> 00:24:33,320 Speaker 1: at not labeling what that means. And I think just 581 00:24:33,359 --> 00:24:35,560 Speaker 1: having grace on yourself and saying like I'm gonna do 582 00:24:35,600 --> 00:24:38,160 Speaker 1: what I feel today totally, and while you do these 583 00:24:38,200 --> 00:24:40,400 Speaker 1: life goals of like having a kid by thirty two, 584 00:24:40,520 --> 00:24:43,760 Speaker 1: I think also keep that as an alignment measure. So 585 00:24:43,800 --> 00:24:45,439 Speaker 1: like if you go on a date with someone and 586 00:24:45,440 --> 00:24:48,160 Speaker 1: this is where I say, it's like this weird, it's 587 00:24:48,200 --> 00:24:50,480 Speaker 1: a tension because I want you to have fun, but 588 00:24:50,520 --> 00:24:52,240 Speaker 1: I also don't want you to forget where you're going. 589 00:24:52,680 --> 00:24:55,120 Speaker 1: So it's like you want to drive the cool car, 590 00:24:55,280 --> 00:24:57,520 Speaker 1: but you have to remember where you're driving to or else. 591 00:24:57,520 --> 00:24:59,320 Speaker 1: To just be in circles and a car without a 592 00:24:59,359 --> 00:25:02,640 Speaker 1: destination was point. So I think, like in my opinion, 593 00:25:03,880 --> 00:25:06,639 Speaker 1: date people that respect you. It's always that, that's always 594 00:25:06,680 --> 00:25:09,240 Speaker 1: the baseline, because I used to date bad guys that 595 00:25:09,320 --> 00:25:12,080 Speaker 1: are like tattooed and like I'm different, Like honestly the 596 00:25:12,080 --> 00:25:14,760 Speaker 1: summer I turn pretty. Don't date a connor, like. 597 00:25:14,960 --> 00:25:17,520 Speaker 4: You know, I know he's I know he's great, but 598 00:25:17,760 --> 00:25:21,359 Speaker 4: all he does is just jerks around and don't be jerked. 599 00:25:21,119 --> 00:25:23,760 Speaker 1: Around right while he might be misunder shit, he has 600 00:25:23,800 --> 00:25:26,160 Speaker 1: to do internal work and you can't wait. You can't 601 00:25:26,160 --> 00:25:27,840 Speaker 1: pause your life for someone else to do the internal 602 00:25:27,840 --> 00:25:30,600 Speaker 1: work that you seem to actively be doing. So like 603 00:25:31,040 --> 00:25:35,440 Speaker 1: I would say, try if you feel ready, and when 604 00:25:35,480 --> 00:25:38,600 Speaker 1: I say ready, start small flirt with someone that you 605 00:25:38,600 --> 00:25:41,760 Speaker 1: think is cute, that's been in your DMS. Maybe go 606 00:25:41,880 --> 00:25:43,639 Speaker 1: for like you don't have to do. Don't call it 607 00:25:43,680 --> 00:25:45,080 Speaker 1: a date like. 608 00:25:45,400 --> 00:25:48,800 Speaker 5: Networking and what I love aving twenty eight, it's a meeting. 609 00:25:49,960 --> 00:25:51,560 Speaker 5: You bring him aden it's a write off if it's 610 00:25:51,600 --> 00:25:56,919 Speaker 5: a networking So maybe you don't start dating, start networking, right. 611 00:25:56,720 --> 00:25:57,600 Speaker 4: Build that LinkedIn. 612 00:26:13,440 --> 00:26:14,399 Speaker 3: Talk to me about. 613 00:26:14,160 --> 00:26:20,280 Speaker 2: Choosing, like I choose people who are unconventional. I maybe 614 00:26:20,359 --> 00:26:22,680 Speaker 2: choose people who I know are not going to be 615 00:26:22,720 --> 00:26:24,439 Speaker 2: long term. You say, like, what's the point of a 616 00:26:24,480 --> 00:26:28,560 Speaker 2: car without a destination. I'm usually doing circles in the doughnut. 617 00:26:28,960 --> 00:26:30,200 Speaker 2: I don't have the parking lot. 618 00:26:30,480 --> 00:26:31,600 Speaker 1: Do you have fun or do you feel like most 619 00:26:31,600 --> 00:26:33,560 Speaker 1: of the time you're anxious and you're like freaking out 620 00:26:33,600 --> 00:26:34,480 Speaker 1: about like what's going on? 621 00:26:34,520 --> 00:26:35,440 Speaker 4: Because that's the difference. 622 00:26:35,520 --> 00:26:38,960 Speaker 1: That's again going back to a fling versus situationship, Like. 623 00:26:39,119 --> 00:26:41,840 Speaker 3: I love a situationship. That's my week, Like I get 624 00:26:41,880 --> 00:26:42,320 Speaker 3: into it. 625 00:26:42,400 --> 00:26:44,160 Speaker 4: Or the one that wants them more, they want you more. 626 00:26:44,600 --> 00:26:47,160 Speaker 2: Uh, it is whatever the opposite of what they want. 627 00:26:47,200 --> 00:26:50,080 Speaker 2: So if they want me more, then I'm like running, 628 00:26:50,320 --> 00:26:52,160 Speaker 2: And if they don't want me at all, then I'm. 629 00:26:51,960 --> 00:26:53,080 Speaker 3: Like running, please please. 630 00:26:53,359 --> 00:26:53,679 Speaker 4: Yeah. 631 00:26:53,680 --> 00:26:56,159 Speaker 2: So I'm like always stuck in this loop, which is 632 00:26:56,160 --> 00:26:58,760 Speaker 2: the thing I'm like really trying to walk away from personally. 633 00:26:59,000 --> 00:27:01,000 Speaker 1: Do you like that because there's sense of like protection 634 00:27:01,119 --> 00:27:04,040 Speaker 1: in a sense, like when you're chasing, you know you'll 635 00:27:04,080 --> 00:27:07,000 Speaker 1: never have them, and then when you're protecting you know 636 00:27:07,040 --> 00:27:10,240 Speaker 1: they'll never have you, right. So I mean, like, have 637 00:27:10,359 --> 00:27:12,840 Speaker 1: you ever been with someone and really felt like they 638 00:27:12,880 --> 00:27:14,840 Speaker 1: were your person? You know? 639 00:27:15,119 --> 00:27:18,680 Speaker 2: Like I had one long term boyfriend who definitely taught 640 00:27:18,720 --> 00:27:21,679 Speaker 2: me about love in a way that I hadn't really 641 00:27:21,760 --> 00:27:23,240 Speaker 2: like experienced before. 642 00:27:23,400 --> 00:27:23,920 Speaker 3: He was like. 643 00:27:26,080 --> 00:27:28,480 Speaker 2: He was like the embodiment of All About Love by 644 00:27:28,480 --> 00:27:29,000 Speaker 2: Bell Hooks. 645 00:27:29,000 --> 00:27:30,879 Speaker 3: It was like everything about him. I was like, oh 646 00:27:30,960 --> 00:27:32,640 Speaker 3: my gosh, he does this, he does this, he does this. 647 00:27:32,640 --> 00:27:36,359 Speaker 4: Probably before rely read that on the subway right weirdly. 648 00:27:36,240 --> 00:27:40,520 Speaker 2: Like I think he just had like stable parents totally, 649 00:27:41,280 --> 00:27:43,960 Speaker 2: and so he was like a really amazing person. 650 00:27:44,040 --> 00:27:46,359 Speaker 3: But I never felt at ease. 651 00:27:46,600 --> 00:27:48,320 Speaker 2: And I was like, if I could love him, if 652 00:27:48,359 --> 00:27:50,760 Speaker 2: I could marry him, it would make sense. My life 653 00:27:50,760 --> 00:27:53,040 Speaker 2: would be so easy. It could just like all, you know, 654 00:27:53,920 --> 00:27:54,879 Speaker 2: But he wasn't my person. 655 00:27:55,040 --> 00:27:57,679 Speaker 1: And I think that's such a great point that you 656 00:27:57,720 --> 00:27:59,760 Speaker 1: bring up, because sometimes it could be the person that 657 00:27:59,800 --> 00:28:02,479 Speaker 1: you feel like you should love but you don't, and 658 00:28:02,560 --> 00:28:05,320 Speaker 1: like they could be treating you really well, but there's 659 00:28:05,359 --> 00:28:08,919 Speaker 1: also that magical moment where you feel connected in a 660 00:28:08,920 --> 00:28:12,399 Speaker 1: way that words can't even define. So I feel like 661 00:28:13,040 --> 00:28:17,720 Speaker 1: respect and excitement and fun. Like respect is the baseline, 662 00:28:18,040 --> 00:28:20,000 Speaker 1: but it's not enough in the sense that like a 663 00:28:20,119 --> 00:28:22,720 Speaker 1: nice guy that like respects me is obsessed with you, 664 00:28:23,160 --> 00:28:25,480 Speaker 1: but you don't feel that spark. That's still not enough, 665 00:28:25,720 --> 00:28:29,159 Speaker 1: you know. I think, like, in my opinion from what 666 00:28:29,200 --> 00:28:32,720 Speaker 1: I'm hearing from you, you really are. 667 00:28:33,080 --> 00:28:36,280 Speaker 4: You're a lover girl. I feel it. I feel it. 668 00:28:36,320 --> 00:28:38,720 Speaker 1: But what I feel is that like I feel like 669 00:28:38,760 --> 00:28:39,560 Speaker 1: I'm like reading your taro. 670 00:28:44,720 --> 00:28:46,120 Speaker 4: No no, no, I'm not a dog do. 671 00:28:46,520 --> 00:28:47,520 Speaker 3: All I'll say. 672 00:28:47,360 --> 00:28:50,840 Speaker 1: Is that I feel like there's some fear into like 673 00:28:51,000 --> 00:28:54,360 Speaker 1: actually being vulnerable with someone, which I experience a lot too, 674 00:28:54,520 --> 00:28:57,040 Speaker 1: because when you hand over the keys to your heart, 675 00:28:57,080 --> 00:28:59,160 Speaker 1: they can fuck your shit up. And I think, if 676 00:28:59,200 --> 00:29:01,520 Speaker 1: you've worked so hard to create something for yourself and 677 00:29:01,520 --> 00:29:04,240 Speaker 1: that stability for yourself, maybe from a past that wasn't 678 00:29:04,240 --> 00:29:07,520 Speaker 1: always stable, it's terrifying to have someone in and to 679 00:29:07,560 --> 00:29:10,920 Speaker 1: give them access. So I think, like, if I could 680 00:29:10,960 --> 00:29:13,960 Speaker 1: tell you one thing is that, like whoever you want 681 00:29:13,960 --> 00:29:17,280 Speaker 1: a date is out there, but it's not gonna find 682 00:29:17,280 --> 00:29:18,040 Speaker 1: you In this podcast. 683 00:29:18,360 --> 00:29:20,440 Speaker 5: Maybe it might, but it's not gonna find you working. 684 00:29:20,720 --> 00:29:22,640 Speaker 5: It's not gonna find you. 685 00:29:22,640 --> 00:29:25,240 Speaker 1: You know, you can't door dash love like I would say, 686 00:29:25,280 --> 00:29:28,720 Speaker 1: like experiment with some of the people that you naturally 687 00:29:28,760 --> 00:29:29,560 Speaker 1: gravitate towards. 688 00:29:29,840 --> 00:29:31,880 Speaker 4: So like, do you have passions like outside of work, 689 00:29:31,920 --> 00:29:32,440 Speaker 4: Like what do you do? 690 00:29:32,720 --> 00:29:33,000 Speaker 5: Oh? 691 00:29:33,040 --> 00:29:36,120 Speaker 2: Well, I love to dance? Okay, I love that. Yeah, 692 00:29:36,160 --> 00:29:38,120 Speaker 2: I'd love like find a lover on the dance floor. 693 00:29:38,760 --> 00:29:41,120 Speaker 4: I don't know about New York class, I don't know, 694 00:29:41,240 --> 00:29:42,480 Speaker 4: but it's so cool. 695 00:29:42,280 --> 00:29:44,520 Speaker 1: Like go to dance, Like I mean, I feel like 696 00:29:44,600 --> 00:29:48,160 Speaker 1: the main thing is like chasing activities that you're gonna 697 00:29:48,240 --> 00:29:51,600 Speaker 1: naturally meet single people at or doesn't because I feel 698 00:29:51,600 --> 00:29:53,600 Speaker 1: like Also, like what I hear from what you were 699 00:29:53,600 --> 00:29:55,640 Speaker 1: saying is like it feels like a job kind of 700 00:29:55,680 --> 00:29:58,240 Speaker 1: like an interview to like go out and physically. 701 00:29:57,920 --> 00:29:58,880 Speaker 4: Put yourself out on dates. 702 00:29:58,920 --> 00:30:01,400 Speaker 1: So what if you could transform the dating experience into 703 00:30:01,440 --> 00:30:02,720 Speaker 1: something that you would just naturally do? 704 00:30:03,000 --> 00:30:06,920 Speaker 2: Right? Totally Okay, I'm writing this down. That leads me 705 00:30:07,000 --> 00:30:08,680 Speaker 2: to my next question, which is, like, what is your 706 00:30:08,760 --> 00:30:11,400 Speaker 2: number one piece of advice for people who are dating. 707 00:30:12,440 --> 00:30:15,240 Speaker 1: I think the number one piece of advice for people 708 00:30:15,240 --> 00:30:18,760 Speaker 1: that are dating is to not put your dating life 709 00:30:18,760 --> 00:30:22,040 Speaker 1: on someone else's timeline just because all your friends are 710 00:30:22,040 --> 00:30:24,000 Speaker 1: getting married and like go into punk me and patches 711 00:30:24,000 --> 00:30:26,760 Speaker 1: with their significant others and like kissing in a fucking 712 00:30:26,960 --> 00:30:30,320 Speaker 1: like holiday Hallmark fucking movie that doesn't have to be you, 713 00:30:30,480 --> 00:30:33,560 Speaker 1: And don't trust everything you see online as true love. 714 00:30:33,920 --> 00:30:35,920 Speaker 1: A lot of times, the real connection, the real work, 715 00:30:36,000 --> 00:30:39,160 Speaker 1: happens when there's no phones. And I think a lot 716 00:30:39,160 --> 00:30:41,440 Speaker 1: of times, like every time I open my fucking Instagram store, 717 00:30:41,440 --> 00:30:44,080 Speaker 1: another fucking person's engaged and I'm like, damn, Like I 718 00:30:44,200 --> 00:30:45,160 Speaker 1: just like kissed the guy in a. 719 00:30:45,080 --> 00:30:46,479 Speaker 4: Band, Like what's going right? 720 00:30:47,160 --> 00:30:49,760 Speaker 1: I also know that like I would rather be alone 721 00:30:50,040 --> 00:30:53,520 Speaker 1: till I'm forty five and find someone that is perfect 722 00:30:53,520 --> 00:30:56,560 Speaker 1: for me, then to settle too soon because of fear 723 00:30:56,760 --> 00:30:59,760 Speaker 1: that there's no one else left. My biggest advice there 724 00:30:59,800 --> 00:31:04,160 Speaker 1: are people out there do the work to be open, vulnerable. 725 00:31:04,280 --> 00:31:06,680 Speaker 1: You can't control what happens, but you can control if 726 00:31:06,680 --> 00:31:09,200 Speaker 1: you're putting yourself out there. And one of my favorite movies, 727 00:31:09,200 --> 00:31:11,560 Speaker 1: He's just not that into you, that big scene where 728 00:31:11,560 --> 00:31:13,760 Speaker 1: she's like, I'm a lot closer to love than you 729 00:31:13,840 --> 00:31:16,520 Speaker 1: because she's trying. While she was a little anxious about it, 730 00:31:16,920 --> 00:31:19,560 Speaker 1: she was trying. So I think it's cool to try. 731 00:31:19,680 --> 00:31:22,400 Speaker 1: I think like this whole like I'm too good for love, 732 00:31:22,480 --> 00:31:24,240 Speaker 1: like I'm all about my business. Like if that is 733 00:31:24,280 --> 00:31:27,000 Speaker 1: you go off like I love a business, battie. But 734 00:31:27,120 --> 00:31:30,360 Speaker 1: I also like, I think you can have everything that 735 00:31:30,400 --> 00:31:33,880 Speaker 1: you want if you're working actively towards it. And remember 736 00:31:33,920 --> 00:31:36,080 Speaker 1: there's different seasons for it. So like if you just 737 00:31:36,080 --> 00:31:38,400 Speaker 1: gotta break up, don't feel the need to go shake 738 00:31:38,440 --> 00:31:40,600 Speaker 1: ass the club and break up with guys if you're 739 00:31:40,640 --> 00:31:43,400 Speaker 1: not ready for it. But also like, once you heal 740 00:31:43,640 --> 00:31:47,320 Speaker 1: or whatever healing looks like for you, don't let anyone. 741 00:31:46,960 --> 00:31:49,280 Speaker 4: Tell you what your love life looks like. You know, 742 00:31:49,840 --> 00:31:51,120 Speaker 4: and build it for yourself. 743 00:31:51,240 --> 00:31:54,200 Speaker 1: You're literally building your own house, building their own infrastructure. 744 00:31:53,960 --> 00:31:58,440 Speaker 4: You are the architect, the resident. You are everything. And 745 00:31:58,480 --> 00:32:00,680 Speaker 4: I always say my biggest thing, you are the bouncer 746 00:32:00,760 --> 00:32:02,360 Speaker 4: of your own love club. 747 00:32:02,520 --> 00:32:05,000 Speaker 1: Right and kick anyone out that's fucking around with you, 748 00:32:05,160 --> 00:32:08,280 Speaker 1: because that truly is it steals your energy from people 749 00:32:08,280 --> 00:32:10,640 Speaker 1: that actually would appreciate it. You don't need to give 750 00:32:10,640 --> 00:32:13,000 Speaker 1: a PowerPoint presentation to prove your worth. You don't need 751 00:32:13,000 --> 00:32:15,320 Speaker 1: to chase someone that's running away from you. The biggest 752 00:32:15,360 --> 00:32:17,360 Speaker 1: question to ask if you're dating someone is what I 753 00:32:17,400 --> 00:32:19,360 Speaker 1: like this person as a friend Because we put so 754 00:32:19,440 --> 00:32:22,800 Speaker 1: many exceptions and caveats and excuses when it comes to 755 00:32:22,920 --> 00:32:26,440 Speaker 1: romantic love, but truly romantic love is just blatonic love 756 00:32:26,440 --> 00:32:30,760 Speaker 1: with sex. So I have nothing else to say. 757 00:32:30,920 --> 00:32:34,240 Speaker 2: No, I know, And a lot of times I'm dating 758 00:32:34,240 --> 00:32:37,160 Speaker 2: someone or sleeping with someone who I'm like I would 759 00:32:37,240 --> 00:32:38,120 Speaker 2: never be their friends. 760 00:32:38,400 --> 00:32:40,040 Speaker 4: You don't have to judge yourself for it. 761 00:32:40,320 --> 00:32:42,400 Speaker 1: And I think like part of it, like I'm giving 762 00:32:42,400 --> 00:32:44,720 Speaker 1: all the like woo woo wisdom shit, But also there 763 00:32:44,760 --> 00:32:47,680 Speaker 1: is something so valuable and so fun about running around 764 00:32:47,720 --> 00:32:51,320 Speaker 1: the city kissing guys learning, Like I think, like there's 765 00:32:51,360 --> 00:32:54,800 Speaker 1: a beautiful world where like you have fun, you learn 766 00:32:54,840 --> 00:32:56,560 Speaker 1: who not to date so that you can be ready 767 00:32:56,560 --> 00:32:58,640 Speaker 1: for who you want to date. But at the end 768 00:32:58,680 --> 00:33:01,320 Speaker 1: of the day, like when you're talking more seriously, which 769 00:33:01,360 --> 00:33:04,080 Speaker 1: you say you want kids and whatever that structure looks like, 770 00:33:04,920 --> 00:33:07,040 Speaker 1: don't think, oh my god, he's the hottest guy in 771 00:33:07,040 --> 00:33:08,720 Speaker 1: the world, but he like has twenty other girls on 772 00:33:08,720 --> 00:33:11,160 Speaker 1: his rostering streaming like shit, think like would this person 773 00:33:11,160 --> 00:33:12,640 Speaker 1: be there for me if my grandparents died? 774 00:33:13,120 --> 00:33:15,200 Speaker 4: Will this person be there for me? If I got sick? 775 00:33:15,680 --> 00:33:16,960 Speaker 4: Would this person be there for me? 776 00:33:17,600 --> 00:33:17,880 Speaker 2: You know? 777 00:33:18,000 --> 00:33:21,640 Speaker 1: And knows different capacities because you're not looking for like 778 00:33:21,760 --> 00:33:25,080 Speaker 1: the hottest guy that looks like a GQ cover. I 779 00:33:25,080 --> 00:33:29,080 Speaker 1: mean that'd be great personality you like the Shreks. 780 00:33:29,200 --> 00:33:30,400 Speaker 3: Yeah, yeah, the same. 781 00:33:32,000 --> 00:33:34,280 Speaker 1: But what I'm saying is like, you want someone to 782 00:33:34,360 --> 00:33:36,320 Speaker 1: multi facet in and someone that gets all sides of 783 00:33:36,360 --> 00:33:38,160 Speaker 1: you and you know, shouldn't have to feel you're performing. 784 00:33:38,440 --> 00:33:40,280 Speaker 1: And when you meet the right person, just like friendship, 785 00:33:40,600 --> 00:33:43,920 Speaker 1: you'll have that ease that that makes you feel instantly comfortable. 786 00:33:44,280 --> 00:33:47,240 Speaker 2: What is the biggest thing you've had to unlearn about dating? 787 00:33:48,400 --> 00:33:51,360 Speaker 4: I had to learn that I'm datable. It's all for me. 788 00:33:51,640 --> 00:33:53,320 Speaker 1: I mean, I spent most of my life telling myself 789 00:33:53,320 --> 00:33:55,120 Speaker 1: I didn't deserve love, that no one was gonna love me, 790 00:33:55,160 --> 00:33:58,240 Speaker 1: and that I truly was someone that they should be 791 00:33:58,280 --> 00:34:00,280 Speaker 1: embarrassed about because of like my body or how I 792 00:34:00,360 --> 00:34:04,040 Speaker 1: viewed myself. So the last I would say, like ten years, 793 00:34:04,120 --> 00:34:07,200 Speaker 1: has been every day showing up and loving myself the 794 00:34:07,200 --> 00:34:09,000 Speaker 1: way that I hope someone will one day. I mean, 795 00:34:09,040 --> 00:34:12,320 Speaker 1: I really want to find love, and now I'm getting 796 00:34:12,320 --> 00:34:14,799 Speaker 1: closer to understanding what that actually looks like for me. 797 00:34:16,120 --> 00:34:20,239 Speaker 3: Well, thank you so much, coming on, You're brilliant. I'm 798 00:34:20,280 --> 00:34:22,919 Speaker 3: not kidding. I'm like, I'm gonna journal after this, and. 799 00:34:24,719 --> 00:34:27,960 Speaker 1: I really want to hear and stay updated. I'm always here, 800 00:34:28,120 --> 00:34:30,040 Speaker 1: let me know. I will let me know what's up. 801 00:34:30,080 --> 00:34:38,040 Speaker 2: I'll I wish I could hire Tiff as my personal 802 00:34:38,160 --> 00:34:38,880 Speaker 2: dating coach. 803 00:34:39,320 --> 00:34:42,240 Speaker 3: We should definitely have her back on for more dating advice. 804 00:34:42,400 --> 00:34:44,440 Speaker 2: But until then, I'm gonna have to go out in 805 00:34:44,480 --> 00:34:47,440 Speaker 2: the world, stay true to myself and figure out what 806 00:34:47,560 --> 00:34:50,960 Speaker 2: it really is that I want. And I hope that 807 00:34:51,080 --> 00:34:54,480 Speaker 2: Tiff has inspired you to do the same. Thanks for 808 00:34:54,520 --> 00:34:56,400 Speaker 2: listening and I'll talk to you all next week. 809 00:35:08,480 --> 00:35:13,080 Speaker 3: Boys Sover is a production of iHeart Podcasts. I'm your host, Hopewordard. 810 00:35:13,760 --> 00:35:17,839 Speaker 2: Our executive producers are Christina Everett and Julie Pinero. Our 811 00:35:17,880 --> 00:35:23,000 Speaker 2: supervising producer is Emily Meronoff. Our assistant producer is Logan Palau. 812 00:35:23,960 --> 00:35:29,080 Speaker 2: Engineering by Bahid Fraser and mixing and mastering by Abu Zafar. 813 00:35:30,360 --> 00:35:33,160 Speaker 2: If you liked this episode, please tell a friend and 814 00:35:33,239 --> 00:35:36,319 Speaker 2: don't forget to rate, review, and subscribe to Boys Sober 815 00:35:36,440 --> 00:35:40,200 Speaker 2: on the iHeartRadio app, Apple Podcasts, and wherever you get 816 00:35:40,239 --> 00:35:41,120 Speaker 2: your favorite shows.