Speaker 1: I am a Yamla. I had a baby daddy relationship.
Speaker 1: I spend time in a relationship with a married man.
Speaker 1: I had to learn the skills and tools required to
Speaker 1: make my relationships healthy, fulfilling and loving. Welcome to the
Speaker 1: Our Spot, a production of Shondaland Audio in partnership with
Speaker 1: I Heart Radio. Now. I know some people like to
Speaker 1: listen to podcasts because of the advice that they received,
Speaker 1: But what I do, I do not call it advice.
Speaker 1: I support, I assist, I guide, I facilitate, and I
Speaker 1: want my callers to identify the real issue and sometimes
Speaker 1: the solution that they already know but probably don't like.
Speaker 1: I'm not just here to tell people what to do
Speaker 1: or how to fix themselves in their relationships. Absolutely not.
Speaker 1: I'm here to remind you. I'm here to interrupt your pattern.
Speaker 1: I am here to support you and identifying the best
Speaker 1: practices to improve the relationships in your life. See, I'm
Speaker 1: not that person who gives out unsolicited advice, particularly when
Speaker 1: I think that I've been married and divorced three times. However,
Speaker 1: I'm sure we all know somebody who will pop themselves
Speaker 1: into your business just to tell you what they think
Speaker 1: and what you should do. I know a couple of
Speaker 1: people like that, and you know what I tell them.
Speaker 1: I tell them stay in your car, in your lane
Speaker 1: on your road, stay in your own lane. Now, that
Speaker 1: can be tricky for people to manage in our lives,
Speaker 1: particularly those people we care about, because very often we
Speaker 1: just want to help or do what we think will
Speaker 1: help that person. It can be especially difficult if you're
Speaker 1: trying to anticipate your partners wants and needs without ever
Speaker 1: actually talking to them about it. What they want or
Speaker 1: need is their business and they need to invite you
Speaker 1: into it. Both of my callers today are dealing with
Speaker 1: very different versions of trying to assume what their partner
Speaker 1: wants and needs from them, and it's causing a breakdown
Speaker 1: in communications. So let's get into those conversations. Greetings, beloved,
Speaker 1: thank you for calling me our spot. How can I
Speaker 1: support you today with your relationship challenge, issue, breakdown, breakthrough?
Speaker 1: What are we dealing with today? Well, what we're dealing
Speaker 1: with I I've been in a relationship for three years.
Speaker 1: My boyfriend has two daughters. One he has a very
Speaker 1: close relationship and is involved in her day to day life.
Speaker 1: The other lives with her mother or is actually at college,
Speaker 1: but is with her mother. Both girls have a strain relationship.
Speaker 1: One daughter doesn't speak to the mother, the other daughter
Speaker 1: doesn't speak to the father, and I'm kind of stuck
Speaker 1: in the middle, and so I wanted some advice and
Speaker 1: coaching on how to bridge and bring this family together.
Speaker 1: Why is that your business? That's a good question, Um,
Speaker 1: Do you have a good answer? I do? I do.
Speaker 1: I'm building a foundation with this man, and I recently
Speaker 1: lost my mother, and I feel like in order to
Speaker 1: go forward in this relationship and have a solid foundation,
Speaker 1: I'd like to see some harmony. And I don't like
Speaker 1: seeing his daughter or him crushed by not having the
Speaker 1: relationships they want with the other members of the family.
Speaker 1: And what has he asked of you as it relates
Speaker 1: to his relationships with his daughter, With his daughter that
Speaker 1: he's involved with, just to be a support system for her,
Speaker 1: And have you done that? I have done that. His
Speaker 1: daughter is expressed to me that she feels guilty if
Speaker 1: she has a relationship with her mother, and I've expressed
Speaker 1: that we both encourage that. And he hasn't specifically asked
Speaker 1: anything of me in regards to his other daughter. If
Speaker 1: he has asked you to be a support system to
Speaker 1: the daughter he is in relationship with. Then do that.
Speaker 1: You're an elder in her life, you're a midwife. You'd
Speaker 1: be a good demonstration. And when I say midwife, meaning
Speaker 1: you're pulling her through to womanhood. And the best way
Speaker 1: for you to do that is to demonstrate who you
Speaker 1: are as a woman, how you are as a woman.
Speaker 1: Be an ear for her, be a soft place for
Speaker 1: her to fall, ask her questions about herself and her life.
Speaker 1: Develop a relationship with her woman to woman, not mother
Speaker 1: to daughter, because that's what he's asked of you, all right,
Speaker 1: And her relationship with her mother, it's none of your
Speaker 1: business unless she asks you for support, it's none of
Speaker 1: your business. It really isn't. Now she asks you things
Speaker 1: about her mother, you can offer suggestions. You can offer
Speaker 1: not even advice, but more inquiry. How would you like
Speaker 1: to have your relationship with your mother? What have you
Speaker 1: done to make that happ those kinds of things. But
Speaker 1: in terms of the relationship with the daughter that is
Speaker 1: not in relationship with him, if he has n asked
Speaker 1: you for nothing, m why be mind your business? Okay,
Speaker 1: that's great advice. Is it not your business? How do
Speaker 1: I navigate. This is my fear, um, talking to you,
Speaker 1: just uncovered that my fear is that we enter into
Speaker 1: a partnership of marriage as a strange daughter comes back
Speaker 1: into our life. That's a fear of mine. Why is
Speaker 1: that a fear? Let me repeat to you what you said,
Speaker 1: that we start, we take this commitment deeper because you've
Speaker 1: already been in it three years, so what you're all
Speaker 1: waiting for? But anyway, that's my business. Let me mind
Speaker 1: my business. Okay. So you go into a deeper, more
Speaker 1: intimate or committed relationship and the estranged daughter comes back,
Speaker 1: and your fear is what my fear is just because
Speaker 1: I know that he's had a lot of divorce skilt
Speaker 1: that it causes conflict in our relationship. And I know
Speaker 1: I don't have a crystal ball, but that's a serifying Well.
Speaker 1: The truth is, beloved, she never left, even if she
Speaker 1: ain't speaking to a father, because you are on the
Speaker 1: phone talking to me about somebody that ain't even present.
Speaker 1: So she's never left. But your job, should she want
Speaker 1: to re engage or rebuild a relationship with her father,
Speaker 1: your job is to support him MH in building a
Speaker 1: relationship with her. Okay, Okay, let me just say this,
Speaker 1: write this that I am. I got my open and
Speaker 1: paper here. Okay, stay in your own car, on your
Speaker 1: own lane, in your own life. Stay in your car.
Speaker 1: I got it. He's in the car with you. But
Speaker 1: who's driving you and him? That's you all got to
Speaker 1: figure that out. What's in your lane? Your lane is
Speaker 1: your relationship with him, not your relationship with her. He
Speaker 1: has to introduce you to her, and then you get
Speaker 1: woman to woman, build another relationship with her, and then
Speaker 1: in your life. It's what do I need to do
Speaker 1: to support him in my life so that my road
Speaker 1: remains clear. You are anticipating something first of all, that
Speaker 1: may never happen, and even if it does happen, your
Speaker 1: role is to support him and how he deals with her.
Speaker 1: I got it, Okay. I don't need to say nothing else. No,
Speaker 1: you don't, except mind your business. I'm gonna stay in
Speaker 1: my car, in my lane. I got it, on your
Speaker 1: road and give me a call and let me know
Speaker 1: how it works out. Thank you for love it. Thank
Speaker 1: you so much. Okay, love bye bye. Sometimes when you're
Speaker 1: in a relationship with someone, everything that goes on in
Speaker 1: their life don't have to go on in your life.
Speaker 1: Sometimes there's situations, experiences, circumstances that they have that you
Speaker 1: don't have to be involved in unless they invite you.
Speaker 1: We'll be right back, Welcome back to the R spot.
Speaker 1: I know it may sound harsh and it may not
Speaker 1: be nice to tell someone to mind their business, but
Speaker 1: when it comes to a successful partnership, one built on
Speaker 1: trust and mutual respect, you have to You have to
Speaker 1: trust that your partner will ask you for help when
Speaker 1: they need it, and if there's anything you can do
Speaker 1: or anything they need, then you must trust the response
Speaker 1: that they give you, because if not, you're just sticking
Speaker 1: yourself into a situation and you might be overstepping a
Speaker 1: boundary or even making things worse than they are. Now.
Speaker 1: That's just a part of effective communication. Honoring boundaries. On
Speaker 1: the other opposite side of the coin for communication is
Speaker 1: making sure you're doing whatever you're doing in a way
Speaker 1: that works for both of you, not just what works
Speaker 1: for them, not just what works for you. Now, my
Speaker 1: next caller wants to improve their relationship, but they feel
Speaker 1: that by over communicating their problems it'll help. Does that
Speaker 1: make sense? That makes no sense. But as you know,
Speaker 1: you've got to meet your partner halfway so that both
Speaker 1: sides can work together get on the same page. So
Speaker 1: here we go. Good afternoon, beloved, Thank you for calling
Speaker 1: the our spot. How can I support you today? What
Speaker 1: is your issue, questions, challenge, dilemma. I was calling about
Speaker 1: communication and how to fight fair. I've been married going
Speaker 1: on eight years and sometimes we can get in heated arguments,
Speaker 1: me and my husband, and I'm just trying to find
Speaker 1: a better way to communicate what's bothering me and work
Speaker 1: together with him on It's some issues that we have, Okay,
Speaker 1: is there a particular thing you fight about or just
Speaker 1: all fights are not fair? A lot of the fights
Speaker 1: aren't fair. But some of the things we argue about
Speaker 1: is he can be extremely stubborn with change, and to me,
Speaker 1: I think we all have to change to a certain degree,
Speaker 1: especially when we're in a relationship or marriage, because we're
Speaker 1: learning each other and we've got to grow together. So
Speaker 1: for me, there's just certain things that I talked to
Speaker 1: him about and it's kind of you negatively rather than
Speaker 1: from a positive point of view. Every time I give
Speaker 1: him a feedback, he takes it negatively. Well, do you
Speaker 1: offer him feedback or do you pouring on him. Do
Speaker 1: you ever ask him, are you open to some feedback? Yeah?
Speaker 1: I do ask how do how do you say it?
Speaker 1: How do you say it to him? Normally I'll say, hey,
Speaker 1: can we talk about some things that are on my mind?
Speaker 1: Or can we go over some things that are bothering me? Well,
Speaker 1: that is not offering feedback. In the minute. You say
Speaker 1: to a man, can we talk? That's it, he's bound,
Speaker 1: he's shut down. That those are three words are poisonous
Speaker 1: to a man's consciousness. Can we talk? You might as
Speaker 1: well just say, you know, just run naked that the street.
Speaker 1: Most men expect when a woman says to them, can
Speaker 1: we talk? That you're getting ready to beat him up?
Speaker 1: And this guard is going up. Is that what happens?
Speaker 1: Does his god go up and he becomes resistant? Yeah?
Speaker 1: I mean his guard is always up. I mean he's
Speaker 1: a guy. So yeah, right. It's not like they're really
Speaker 1: open in the communication department anyway. Well, some of them are.
Speaker 1: Some of them are. If they've been taught, understand that.
Speaker 1: Most of them just simply don't have the skills, the tools,
Speaker 1: and the training. It's not that they don't want to,
Speaker 1: they don't have the practice in the process. Men are
Speaker 1: just expected to know things they are we expect them
Speaker 1: to know. Okay, so can we talk no more? Can
Speaker 1: I share with you some things that are bothering me?
Speaker 1: You know what? He hears when you say that, let
Speaker 1: me tell you what you just did wrong? Because their
Speaker 1: brain is not wired like ours is. He hears, Oh god,
Speaker 1: she's getting rid of the nag me or tell me
Speaker 1: what I did wrong? And then he'll shut down on it.
Speaker 1: So another possibility is, well, first of all, where do
Speaker 1: you do this talking at um? It's usually at home. Yeah,
Speaker 1: in the kitchen and the living. He usually sets rules,
Speaker 1: like he says, come to me on this day when
Speaker 1: it's the sun is shining or you know, he isn't
Speaker 1: a talker. He normally doesn't like any type of conflict,
Speaker 1: so he considers me coming to him, I think, in
Speaker 1: a way conflict instead of just trying to hate work
Speaker 1: through some problems. Well, if you're holding it as he
Speaker 1: don't like conflict, he doesn't want to talk about problems. Yeah. See,
Speaker 1: the thing that women don't realize is that men have antenna.
Speaker 1: They have little antenna. We can't see him, but those
Speaker 1: little antenna are sticking right out right above their eyebrows, right,
Speaker 1: And even though we don't see him and we don't
Speaker 1: know they're they're they're always those antenna, always beaming and
Speaker 1: feeling us out. And they can tell by the way
Speaker 1: we walk towards them, the way we start the sentence,
Speaker 1: the way we persisent the information, those antenna will drop
Speaker 1: right down into their man parts. You know what the
Speaker 1: man parts are. Mr. The man and his two friends
Speaker 1: drop right down in there. And if they don't feel
Speaker 1: right to them, they're going behind the wall. They're going
Speaker 1: behind the wall. Women don't understand that men have antenna, okay,
Speaker 1: And because we don't realize or understand that they have antenna,
Speaker 1: we move into their space kind of forcefully for them.
Speaker 1: We may not think, I'm just trying to talk to you.
Speaker 1: I'm just trying to get you to hear me. I'm
Speaker 1: just trying, you know, you know what do I need
Speaker 1: to do. After this break, we're going to dive into
Speaker 1: effective communication. Welcome back to the our spot. We are
Speaker 1: going to continue our conversation about communication. Here's another possibility.
Speaker 1: Get you a nice night cow not pajamas, Okay, a
Speaker 1: nice night can take you a nice bath, shower, whatever,
Speaker 1: and put on some nice smelly stuff, snuggle right up
Speaker 1: next to him. And if he said, what's what are
Speaker 1: you doing? What's the matter with you? Nothing? I just
Speaker 1: wanted you to smell me. Come on on me, take
Speaker 1: a sniff. You don't want to sniff? Okay, back off?
Speaker 1: Next day? Put it on again. Mm hmmm, snuggle up again.
Speaker 1: You're doing that again. Yeah, I just want you to
Speaker 1: smell me. Smell you for what? Because I smell nice?
Speaker 1: Don't you want to smell me? All right, come on,
Speaker 1: I'll smell you. And when he starts sniffing, say before
Speaker 1: you do that, can I ask you a question? I
Speaker 1: need you to tell me how to talk to you
Speaker 1: in a way that you can hear it. I need
Speaker 1: you to tell me that. Just ask the question while
Speaker 1: he's sniffing, because sometimes I don't know how to speak
Speaker 1: to you and I want you to be able to
Speaker 1: hear me. Tell me what do I need to do?
Speaker 1: Do I need to write a letter first? Do I need?
Speaker 1: What can we do? And it doesn't have to be
Speaker 1: that literal, but my point is go in soft, going soft,
Speaker 1: and then first of all, tell me if that makes
Speaker 1: sense to you? Is that feel like something you can do?
Speaker 1: If not, we'll go another rap. Yeah. I've tried it
Speaker 1: a couple of times, so I get what you're saying,
Speaker 1: and it makes a lot of sense. Does it make
Speaker 1: a difference, Yeah, try to be gentle. Does he respond
Speaker 1: to the sniffing? Um, I've never tried the way that
Speaker 1: you're suggesting, but I have tried. You know, Hey, how
Speaker 1: can I come to you in order to make our
Speaker 1: communication better? Don't even don't mention that word. Don't mention communication.
Speaker 1: Don't mention that because if he don't know how to
Speaker 1: do it, and you know, I'm just speaking specifically to
Speaker 1: what you're sharing, but it's it's kind of common. If
Speaker 1: you would just say to somebody, what do I need
Speaker 1: to do so that we could tango? The first thing
Speaker 1: coming in their mind is, hell, I don't know how
Speaker 1: to tango? Right, So when you call it communication, if
Speaker 1: he doesn't know how to do it, or if it's frightening,
Speaker 1: or if he's scared, or you know, if he thinks
Speaker 1: it's all gonna be about a problem, he's not going
Speaker 1: to respond well to that word. And that's why I said,
Speaker 1: tell me how I need to say it so you
Speaker 1: can hear it, because I want you to hear me. Okay,
Speaker 1: So you're asking him to do something to please you,
Speaker 1: maybe he gonna find a way to do it. Makes sense, Yeah, soft,
Speaker 1: and the sniff tests work. Two things about men you're
Speaker 1: going to keep in mind. Number one is their visual
Speaker 1: men of visual, and if the visual catches their attention,
Speaker 1: you gotta The other thing is that all the factory nerve,
Speaker 1: the scent opens up their brain and they'll remember. Why
Speaker 1: do you think women spend so much money on perfume? Right?
Speaker 1: Because men they follow vision and they're follow their scent.
Speaker 1: That's why they say a way to a man's heart
Speaker 1: is to a stomach, because if you cook something good,
Speaker 1: it's gonna have a scent, all right, And that's a
Speaker 1: little trick that women don't know about. Man let him sniff,
Speaker 1: why he's sniff and say, wait a minute, wait a minute,
Speaker 1: let me ask you a question. Sometimes it feels like
Speaker 1: you don't hear me. Tell me how I need to
Speaker 1: speak to you so you can hear me. Should I
Speaker 1: ask you questions? You know? Do you want me to
Speaker 1: write you a list? What is it that you want
Speaker 1: me to do? Okay, and you're smelling good, feeling soft,
Speaker 1: That's why I love you to desk. You're an amazing woman.
Speaker 1: And the help that you give people and you're giving
Speaker 1: me I appreciate. Yeah. Well, you know how I got
Speaker 1: to be so smart making a lot of mistakes. That's
Speaker 1: how I learned to scent test. You know, when I
Speaker 1: show in the bedroom and my raggedy pajamas with a
Speaker 1: scarf on my head, smelling like you know, zest. That
Speaker 1: didn't work, so I had to go get me some
Speaker 1: blue angel, you know. And again, you won't be able
Speaker 1: to do this for everything. There's some things that you're
Speaker 1: gonna have to communicate about on the spot. But for
Speaker 1: those long standing things, and you can always ask him,
Speaker 1: but you've got to ask for his input as opposed
Speaker 1: to always imposing your way, because as women, we think
Speaker 1: our way is the way. In fact, you said it earlier,
Speaker 1: you said he's stubborn and you think he needs to change.
Speaker 1: Put that away, Okay, figure out how to work with it.
Speaker 1: There's a way in If it's not sent and if
Speaker 1: it's not vision, it's it'll it'll be something else. And
Speaker 1: for those things that you gotta deal with on the spot,
Speaker 1: simply say to him, Okay, listen, I have something I
Speaker 1: need to say to you, tell me how to say
Speaker 1: it so you can hear it, and he'll say, just
Speaker 1: say it, just say it. No, No, I need you
Speaker 1: to be able to hear it. Can we sit down.
Speaker 1: I don't want to argue, I don't want to fight.
Speaker 1: I just need you to hear me and then be
Speaker 1: open to whatever his response is, because it sounds to
Speaker 1: me like you're a maximizer and he's a minimizer. Is
Speaker 1: that accurate? Probably? What's a maximizer and a minimizer meaning
Speaker 1: you see something and to you, it's a big picture thing.
Speaker 1: You you want to see it and you see all
Speaker 1: the details, and you see how it needs to be fixed,
Speaker 1: and you see what needs to happen and what the
Speaker 1: outcome needs to be. And he'll see something and say,
Speaker 1: let me leave that alone right now, or we'll get
Speaker 1: to it later or whatever. Yeah. I would agree with that. Yes,
Speaker 1: And that's good. That's really good because you see the
Speaker 1: details that he doesn't. What you want to learn how
Speaker 1: to do is how to communicate those details in a
Speaker 1: non threatening way. I will do that in the fight
Speaker 1: fair part, because that's really what you called about, is
Speaker 1: learning how to fight fair. Right, that's a whole another
Speaker 1: list of stuff. In fact, I think I'll do a
Speaker 1: whole show on that, So keep listening and you'll get
Speaker 1: some tipsy Thank you so much, Thank you for calling.
Speaker 1: Love you, love you back alright, beloved, Bye bye, bye bye.
Speaker 1: How can anyone expect to have a healthy, loving, fulfilling
Speaker 1: relationship if both partners, all people involved are not on
Speaker 1: the same page or are not expressing what they need
Speaker 1: from one another. What a topic. And there's probably much
Speaker 1: more that we can dive into in other episodes because
Speaker 1: effective communication is cute, and I suspect many of us
Speaker 1: have no idea what it is, But for now, I
Speaker 1: just wanted to express the importance of focusing on being
Speaker 1: open and honest with your need so that you and
Speaker 1: your partner can get on the same page and the
Speaker 1: same side of the table. And the other major thing
Speaker 1: to avoid in communicating with your partner is assuming that
Speaker 1: you know what they need or want from you. So
Speaker 1: rather than make a total fool of yourself and assume anything,
Speaker 1: talk about it. Talk with your partner in a way
Speaker 1: that works for them, and ask them what they want. Otherwise,
Speaker 1: you know what happens when you assume. I hope this
Speaker 1: has been helpful to someone, and if you have a
Speaker 1: question about this or any other relationship issue, you can
Speaker 1: call me live at seven seven five three zero seven
Speaker 1: seven seven six eight. Now be sure to follow me
Speaker 1: on social media for all of the calling times, and
Speaker 1: until then, stay in peace and not pieces. The R
Speaker 1: Spot is a production of Shondaland Audio in partnership with
Speaker 1: I Heart Radio. For more podcasts from Shondaland Audio, visit
Speaker 1: the I Heart Radio app, Apple podcast, or wherever you
Speaker 1: listen to your favorite shows.