1 00:00:02,400 --> 00:00:05,600 Speaker 1: I am a Yamla. I had a baby daddy relationship. 2 00:00:06,080 --> 00:00:08,559 Speaker 1: I spend time in a relationship with a married man. 3 00:00:09,119 --> 00:00:13,000 Speaker 1: I had to learn the skills and tools required to 4 00:00:13,160 --> 00:00:17,759 Speaker 1: make my relationships healthy, fulfilling and loving. Welcome to the 5 00:00:17,800 --> 00:00:22,120 Speaker 1: Our Spot, a production of Shondaland Audio in partnership with 6 00:00:22,239 --> 00:00:36,559 Speaker 1: I Heart Radio. Now. I know some people like to 7 00:00:36,680 --> 00:00:40,360 Speaker 1: listen to podcasts because of the advice that they received, 8 00:00:40,360 --> 00:00:43,400 Speaker 1: But what I do, I do not call it advice. 9 00:00:44,000 --> 00:00:50,080 Speaker 1: I support, I assist, I guide, I facilitate, and I 10 00:00:50,159 --> 00:00:55,840 Speaker 1: want my callers to identify the real issue and sometimes 11 00:00:56,160 --> 00:00:59,600 Speaker 1: the solution that they already know but probably don't like. 12 00:01:00,360 --> 00:01:02,520 Speaker 1: I'm not just here to tell people what to do 13 00:01:02,920 --> 00:01:06,800 Speaker 1: or how to fix themselves in their relationships. Absolutely not. 14 00:01:07,360 --> 00:01:12,840 Speaker 1: I'm here to remind you. I'm here to interrupt your pattern. 15 00:01:12,959 --> 00:01:18,080 Speaker 1: I am here to support you and identifying the best 16 00:01:18,240 --> 00:01:23,160 Speaker 1: practices to improve the relationships in your life. See, I'm 17 00:01:23,240 --> 00:01:28,640 Speaker 1: not that person who gives out unsolicited advice, particularly when 18 00:01:28,640 --> 00:01:32,479 Speaker 1: I think that I've been married and divorced three times. However, 19 00:01:32,800 --> 00:01:37,240 Speaker 1: I'm sure we all know somebody who will pop themselves 20 00:01:37,400 --> 00:01:41,200 Speaker 1: into your business just to tell you what they think 21 00:01:41,520 --> 00:01:43,280 Speaker 1: and what you should do. I know a couple of 22 00:01:43,319 --> 00:01:45,559 Speaker 1: people like that, and you know what I tell them. 23 00:01:45,800 --> 00:01:50,520 Speaker 1: I tell them stay in your car, in your lane 24 00:01:51,040 --> 00:01:55,560 Speaker 1: on your road, stay in your own lane. Now, that 25 00:01:55,640 --> 00:02:00,400 Speaker 1: can be tricky for people to manage in our lives, 26 00:02:01,120 --> 00:02:06,000 Speaker 1: particularly those people we care about, because very often we 27 00:02:06,120 --> 00:02:09,400 Speaker 1: just want to help or do what we think will 28 00:02:09,480 --> 00:02:14,079 Speaker 1: help that person. It can be especially difficult if you're 29 00:02:14,080 --> 00:02:19,120 Speaker 1: trying to anticipate your partners wants and needs without ever 30 00:02:19,440 --> 00:02:23,920 Speaker 1: actually talking to them about it. What they want or 31 00:02:24,040 --> 00:02:27,919 Speaker 1: need is their business and they need to invite you 32 00:02:28,040 --> 00:02:31,120 Speaker 1: into it. Both of my callers today are dealing with 33 00:02:31,760 --> 00:02:36,240 Speaker 1: very different versions of trying to assume what their partner 34 00:02:36,320 --> 00:02:39,799 Speaker 1: wants and needs from them, and it's causing a breakdown 35 00:02:40,320 --> 00:02:49,160 Speaker 1: in communications. So let's get into those conversations. Greetings, beloved, 36 00:02:49,240 --> 00:02:51,800 Speaker 1: thank you for calling me our spot. How can I 37 00:02:51,840 --> 00:02:56,280 Speaker 1: support you today with your relationship challenge, issue, breakdown, breakthrough? 38 00:02:56,400 --> 00:02:59,480 Speaker 1: What are we dealing with today? Well, what we're dealing 39 00:02:59,520 --> 00:03:01,959 Speaker 1: with I I've been in a relationship for three years. 40 00:03:02,200 --> 00:03:07,200 Speaker 1: My boyfriend has two daughters. One he has a very 41 00:03:07,200 --> 00:03:10,000 Speaker 1: close relationship and is involved in her day to day life. 42 00:03:10,600 --> 00:03:15,079 Speaker 1: The other lives with her mother or is actually at college, 43 00:03:15,360 --> 00:03:19,800 Speaker 1: but is with her mother. Both girls have a strain relationship. 44 00:03:20,440 --> 00:03:23,480 Speaker 1: One daughter doesn't speak to the mother, the other daughter 45 00:03:23,520 --> 00:03:26,280 Speaker 1: doesn't speak to the father, and I'm kind of stuck 46 00:03:26,280 --> 00:03:29,920 Speaker 1: in the middle, and so I wanted some advice and 47 00:03:30,040 --> 00:03:33,800 Speaker 1: coaching on how to bridge and bring this family together. 48 00:03:34,680 --> 00:03:39,440 Speaker 1: Why is that your business? That's a good question, Um, 49 00:03:40,920 --> 00:03:43,760 Speaker 1: Do you have a good answer? I do? I do. 50 00:03:43,920 --> 00:03:48,280 Speaker 1: I'm building a foundation with this man, and I recently 51 00:03:48,360 --> 00:03:52,960 Speaker 1: lost my mother, and I feel like in order to 52 00:03:53,000 --> 00:03:56,440 Speaker 1: go forward in this relationship and have a solid foundation, 53 00:03:57,840 --> 00:04:02,200 Speaker 1: I'd like to see some harmony. And I don't like 54 00:04:02,360 --> 00:04:07,640 Speaker 1: seeing his daughter or him crushed by not having the 55 00:04:07,680 --> 00:04:11,000 Speaker 1: relationships they want with the other members of the family. 56 00:04:11,560 --> 00:04:14,760 Speaker 1: And what has he asked of you as it relates 57 00:04:14,760 --> 00:04:18,480 Speaker 1: to his relationships with his daughter, With his daughter that 58 00:04:18,560 --> 00:04:22,400 Speaker 1: he's involved with, just to be a support system for her, 59 00:04:22,880 --> 00:04:25,680 Speaker 1: And have you done that? I have done that. His 60 00:04:25,760 --> 00:04:30,160 Speaker 1: daughter is expressed to me that she feels guilty if 61 00:04:30,200 --> 00:04:33,480 Speaker 1: she has a relationship with her mother, and I've expressed 62 00:04:33,520 --> 00:04:39,240 Speaker 1: that we both encourage that. And he hasn't specifically asked 63 00:04:39,279 --> 00:04:43,040 Speaker 1: anything of me in regards to his other daughter. If 64 00:04:43,080 --> 00:04:45,279 Speaker 1: he has asked you to be a support system to 65 00:04:45,320 --> 00:04:48,720 Speaker 1: the daughter he is in relationship with. Then do that. 66 00:04:49,240 --> 00:04:52,280 Speaker 1: You're an elder in her life, you're a midwife. You'd 67 00:04:52,320 --> 00:04:55,680 Speaker 1: be a good demonstration. And when I say midwife, meaning 68 00:04:55,680 --> 00:05:00,479 Speaker 1: you're pulling her through to womanhood. And the best way 69 00:05:00,520 --> 00:05:03,479 Speaker 1: for you to do that is to demonstrate who you 70 00:05:03,520 --> 00:05:05,640 Speaker 1: are as a woman, how you are as a woman. 71 00:05:06,040 --> 00:05:08,839 Speaker 1: Be an ear for her, be a soft place for 72 00:05:08,880 --> 00:05:12,920 Speaker 1: her to fall, ask her questions about herself and her life. 73 00:05:13,279 --> 00:05:16,720 Speaker 1: Develop a relationship with her woman to woman, not mother 74 00:05:16,800 --> 00:05:21,839 Speaker 1: to daughter, because that's what he's asked of you, all right, 75 00:05:22,400 --> 00:05:26,800 Speaker 1: And her relationship with her mother, it's none of your 76 00:05:26,800 --> 00:05:32,720 Speaker 1: business unless she asks you for support, it's none of 77 00:05:32,839 --> 00:05:38,000 Speaker 1: your business. It really isn't. Now she asks you things 78 00:05:38,040 --> 00:05:42,599 Speaker 1: about her mother, you can offer suggestions. You can offer 79 00:05:43,360 --> 00:05:47,839 Speaker 1: not even advice, but more inquiry. How would you like 80 00:05:48,000 --> 00:05:51,080 Speaker 1: to have your relationship with your mother? What have you 81 00:05:51,160 --> 00:05:54,479 Speaker 1: done to make that happ those kinds of things. But 82 00:05:54,560 --> 00:05:57,600 Speaker 1: in terms of the relationship with the daughter that is 83 00:05:57,640 --> 00:06:00,360 Speaker 1: not in relationship with him, if he has n asked 84 00:06:00,400 --> 00:06:09,479 Speaker 1: you for nothing, m why be mind your business? Okay, 85 00:06:09,720 --> 00:06:12,960 Speaker 1: that's great advice. Is it not your business? How do 86 00:06:13,040 --> 00:06:17,000 Speaker 1: I navigate. This is my fear, um, talking to you, 87 00:06:17,360 --> 00:06:22,440 Speaker 1: just uncovered that my fear is that we enter into 88 00:06:22,520 --> 00:06:26,359 Speaker 1: a partnership of marriage as a strange daughter comes back 89 00:06:26,400 --> 00:06:30,760 Speaker 1: into our life. That's a fear of mine. Why is 90 00:06:30,800 --> 00:06:33,760 Speaker 1: that a fear? Let me repeat to you what you said, 91 00:06:34,680 --> 00:06:38,000 Speaker 1: that we start, we take this commitment deeper because you've 92 00:06:38,000 --> 00:06:40,920 Speaker 1: already been in it three years, so what you're all 93 00:06:41,000 --> 00:06:44,440 Speaker 1: waiting for? But anyway, that's my business. Let me mind 94 00:06:44,480 --> 00:06:48,360 Speaker 1: my business. Okay. So you go into a deeper, more 95 00:06:48,480 --> 00:06:52,440 Speaker 1: intimate or committed relationship and the estranged daughter comes back, 96 00:06:53,279 --> 00:06:57,960 Speaker 1: and your fear is what my fear is just because 97 00:06:58,200 --> 00:07:00,400 Speaker 1: I know that he's had a lot of divorce skilt 98 00:07:01,320 --> 00:07:05,400 Speaker 1: that it causes conflict in our relationship. And I know 99 00:07:05,920 --> 00:07:10,280 Speaker 1: I don't have a crystal ball, but that's a serifying Well. 100 00:07:10,320 --> 00:07:15,000 Speaker 1: The truth is, beloved, she never left, even if she 101 00:07:15,040 --> 00:07:17,240 Speaker 1: ain't speaking to a father, because you are on the 102 00:07:17,280 --> 00:07:20,280 Speaker 1: phone talking to me about somebody that ain't even present. 103 00:07:20,960 --> 00:07:27,120 Speaker 1: So she's never left. But your job, should she want 104 00:07:27,160 --> 00:07:30,600 Speaker 1: to re engage or rebuild a relationship with her father, 105 00:07:31,280 --> 00:07:36,120 Speaker 1: your job is to support him MH in building a 106 00:07:36,200 --> 00:07:40,960 Speaker 1: relationship with her. Okay, Okay, let me just say this, 107 00:07:41,360 --> 00:07:44,040 Speaker 1: write this that I am. I got my open and 108 00:07:44,080 --> 00:07:52,600 Speaker 1: paper here. Okay, stay in your own car, on your 109 00:07:52,720 --> 00:07:58,440 Speaker 1: own lane, in your own life. Stay in your car. 110 00:07:59,160 --> 00:08:03,800 Speaker 1: I got it. He's in the car with you. But 111 00:08:03,840 --> 00:08:06,120 Speaker 1: who's driving you and him? That's you all got to 112 00:08:06,160 --> 00:08:10,280 Speaker 1: figure that out. What's in your lane? Your lane is 113 00:08:10,320 --> 00:08:13,720 Speaker 1: your relationship with him, not your relationship with her. He 114 00:08:13,800 --> 00:08:16,840 Speaker 1: has to introduce you to her, and then you get 115 00:08:16,880 --> 00:08:21,480 Speaker 1: woman to woman, build another relationship with her, and then 116 00:08:21,720 --> 00:08:24,560 Speaker 1: in your life. It's what do I need to do 117 00:08:24,720 --> 00:08:29,400 Speaker 1: to support him in my life so that my road 118 00:08:29,640 --> 00:08:33,680 Speaker 1: remains clear. You are anticipating something first of all, that 119 00:08:33,760 --> 00:08:37,240 Speaker 1: may never happen, and even if it does happen, your 120 00:08:37,360 --> 00:08:41,560 Speaker 1: role is to support him and how he deals with her. 121 00:08:42,320 --> 00:08:47,880 Speaker 1: I got it, Okay. I don't need to say nothing else. No, 122 00:08:48,040 --> 00:08:52,719 Speaker 1: you don't, except mind your business. I'm gonna stay in 123 00:08:52,800 --> 00:08:56,160 Speaker 1: my car, in my lane. I got it, on your 124 00:08:56,240 --> 00:08:59,920 Speaker 1: road and give me a call and let me know 125 00:09:00,080 --> 00:09:02,360 Speaker 1: how it works out. Thank you for love it. Thank 126 00:09:02,400 --> 00:09:07,559 Speaker 1: you so much. Okay, love bye bye. Sometimes when you're 127 00:09:07,600 --> 00:09:11,360 Speaker 1: in a relationship with someone, everything that goes on in 128 00:09:11,400 --> 00:09:13,920 Speaker 1: their life don't have to go on in your life. 129 00:09:14,520 --> 00:09:22,120 Speaker 1: Sometimes there's situations, experiences, circumstances that they have that you 130 00:09:22,160 --> 00:09:24,920 Speaker 1: don't have to be involved in unless they invite you. 131 00:09:25,720 --> 00:09:37,600 Speaker 1: We'll be right back, Welcome back to the R spot. 132 00:09:38,440 --> 00:09:41,120 Speaker 1: I know it may sound harsh and it may not 133 00:09:41,200 --> 00:09:45,040 Speaker 1: be nice to tell someone to mind their business, but 134 00:09:45,760 --> 00:09:49,880 Speaker 1: when it comes to a successful partnership, one built on 135 00:09:50,120 --> 00:09:54,920 Speaker 1: trust and mutual respect, you have to You have to 136 00:09:55,200 --> 00:09:58,920 Speaker 1: trust that your partner will ask you for help when 137 00:09:58,960 --> 00:10:02,720 Speaker 1: they need it, and if there's anything you can do 138 00:10:03,000 --> 00:10:08,599 Speaker 1: or anything they need, then you must trust the response 139 00:10:08,720 --> 00:10:12,120 Speaker 1: that they give you, because if not, you're just sticking 140 00:10:12,160 --> 00:10:15,760 Speaker 1: yourself into a situation and you might be overstepping a 141 00:10:15,840 --> 00:10:19,520 Speaker 1: boundary or even making things worse than they are. Now. 142 00:10:19,559 --> 00:10:25,320 Speaker 1: That's just a part of effective communication. Honoring boundaries. On 143 00:10:25,480 --> 00:10:29,920 Speaker 1: the other opposite side of the coin for communication is 144 00:10:30,080 --> 00:10:33,960 Speaker 1: making sure you're doing whatever you're doing in a way 145 00:10:34,000 --> 00:10:37,400 Speaker 1: that works for both of you, not just what works 146 00:10:37,440 --> 00:10:41,120 Speaker 1: for them, not just what works for you. Now, my 147 00:10:41,240 --> 00:10:45,480 Speaker 1: next caller wants to improve their relationship, but they feel 148 00:10:45,520 --> 00:10:50,840 Speaker 1: that by over communicating their problems it'll help. Does that 149 00:10:50,880 --> 00:10:54,120 Speaker 1: make sense? That makes no sense. But as you know, 150 00:10:54,760 --> 00:10:58,240 Speaker 1: you've got to meet your partner halfway so that both 151 00:10:58,240 --> 00:11:02,000 Speaker 1: sides can work together get on the same page. So 152 00:11:02,160 --> 00:11:07,240 Speaker 1: here we go. Good afternoon, beloved, Thank you for calling 153 00:11:07,600 --> 00:11:10,760 Speaker 1: the our spot. How can I support you today? What 154 00:11:10,920 --> 00:11:15,000 Speaker 1: is your issue, questions, challenge, dilemma. I was calling about 155 00:11:15,080 --> 00:11:19,240 Speaker 1: communication and how to fight fair. I've been married going 156 00:11:19,280 --> 00:11:23,520 Speaker 1: on eight years and sometimes we can get in heated arguments, 157 00:11:23,640 --> 00:11:26,480 Speaker 1: me and my husband, and I'm just trying to find 158 00:11:26,480 --> 00:11:31,800 Speaker 1: a better way to communicate what's bothering me and work 159 00:11:31,880 --> 00:11:37,440 Speaker 1: together with him on It's some issues that we have, Okay, 160 00:11:37,800 --> 00:11:40,559 Speaker 1: is there a particular thing you fight about or just 161 00:11:40,800 --> 00:11:43,640 Speaker 1: all fights are not fair? A lot of the fights 162 00:11:43,679 --> 00:11:46,880 Speaker 1: aren't fair. But some of the things we argue about 163 00:11:47,679 --> 00:11:53,160 Speaker 1: is he can be extremely stubborn with change, and to me, 164 00:11:53,280 --> 00:11:56,120 Speaker 1: I think we all have to change to a certain degree, 165 00:11:56,280 --> 00:12:01,040 Speaker 1: especially when we're in a relationship or marriage, because we're 166 00:12:01,120 --> 00:12:04,160 Speaker 1: learning each other and we've got to grow together. So 167 00:12:04,679 --> 00:12:07,679 Speaker 1: for me, there's just certain things that I talked to 168 00:12:07,760 --> 00:12:12,040 Speaker 1: him about and it's kind of you negatively rather than 169 00:12:12,679 --> 00:12:15,800 Speaker 1: from a positive point of view. Every time I give 170 00:12:15,880 --> 00:12:19,080 Speaker 1: him a feedback, he takes it negatively. Well, do you 171 00:12:19,240 --> 00:12:23,320 Speaker 1: offer him feedback or do you pouring on him. Do 172 00:12:23,400 --> 00:12:27,160 Speaker 1: you ever ask him, are you open to some feedback? Yeah? 173 00:12:27,480 --> 00:12:30,240 Speaker 1: I do ask how do how do you say it? 174 00:12:30,320 --> 00:12:32,920 Speaker 1: How do you say it to him? Normally I'll say, hey, 175 00:12:32,960 --> 00:12:36,480 Speaker 1: can we talk about some things that are on my mind? 176 00:12:37,360 --> 00:12:41,319 Speaker 1: Or can we go over some things that are bothering me? Well, 177 00:12:41,360 --> 00:12:46,440 Speaker 1: that is not offering feedback. In the minute. You say 178 00:12:46,559 --> 00:12:50,120 Speaker 1: to a man, can we talk? That's it, he's bound, 179 00:12:50,200 --> 00:12:53,839 Speaker 1: he's shut down. That those are three words are poisonous 180 00:12:53,880 --> 00:12:57,720 Speaker 1: to a man's consciousness. Can we talk? You might as 181 00:12:57,800 --> 00:13:00,480 Speaker 1: well just say, you know, just run naked that the street. 182 00:13:02,120 --> 00:13:04,880 Speaker 1: Most men expect when a woman says to them, can 183 00:13:04,920 --> 00:13:07,040 Speaker 1: we talk? That you're getting ready to beat him up? 184 00:13:07,920 --> 00:13:11,840 Speaker 1: And this guard is going up. Is that what happens? 185 00:13:11,880 --> 00:13:14,720 Speaker 1: Does his god go up and he becomes resistant? Yeah? 186 00:13:14,960 --> 00:13:19,440 Speaker 1: I mean his guard is always up. I mean he's 187 00:13:19,440 --> 00:13:24,040 Speaker 1: a guy. So yeah, right. It's not like they're really 188 00:13:24,080 --> 00:13:29,199 Speaker 1: open in the communication department anyway. Well, some of them are. 189 00:13:29,400 --> 00:13:32,559 Speaker 1: Some of them are. If they've been taught, understand that. 190 00:13:32,640 --> 00:13:36,240 Speaker 1: Most of them just simply don't have the skills, the tools, 191 00:13:36,440 --> 00:13:39,720 Speaker 1: and the training. It's not that they don't want to, 192 00:13:40,720 --> 00:13:43,079 Speaker 1: they don't have the practice in the process. Men are 193 00:13:43,120 --> 00:13:47,559 Speaker 1: just expected to know things they are we expect them 194 00:13:47,600 --> 00:13:52,400 Speaker 1: to know. Okay, so can we talk no more? Can 195 00:13:52,440 --> 00:13:55,240 Speaker 1: I share with you some things that are bothering me? 196 00:13:55,559 --> 00:13:58,800 Speaker 1: You know what? He hears when you say that, let 197 00:13:58,800 --> 00:14:04,240 Speaker 1: me tell you what you just did wrong? Because their 198 00:14:04,280 --> 00:14:08,640 Speaker 1: brain is not wired like ours is. He hears, Oh god, 199 00:14:08,720 --> 00:14:10,560 Speaker 1: she's getting rid of the nag me or tell me 200 00:14:10,600 --> 00:14:14,480 Speaker 1: what I did wrong? And then he'll shut down on it. 201 00:14:15,240 --> 00:14:20,440 Speaker 1: So another possibility is, well, first of all, where do 202 00:14:20,520 --> 00:14:24,800 Speaker 1: you do this talking at um? It's usually at home. Yeah, 203 00:14:24,960 --> 00:14:28,600 Speaker 1: in the kitchen and the living. He usually sets rules, 204 00:14:28,640 --> 00:14:31,160 Speaker 1: like he says, come to me on this day when 205 00:14:31,160 --> 00:14:35,240 Speaker 1: it's the sun is shining or you know, he isn't 206 00:14:35,280 --> 00:14:40,280 Speaker 1: a talker. He normally doesn't like any type of conflict, 207 00:14:40,560 --> 00:14:44,160 Speaker 1: so he considers me coming to him, I think, in 208 00:14:44,200 --> 00:14:49,320 Speaker 1: a way conflict instead of just trying to hate work 209 00:14:49,400 --> 00:14:53,960 Speaker 1: through some problems. Well, if you're holding it as he 210 00:14:54,080 --> 00:14:57,720 Speaker 1: don't like conflict, he doesn't want to talk about problems. Yeah. See, 211 00:14:58,040 --> 00:15:04,800 Speaker 1: the thing that women don't realize is that men have antenna. 212 00:15:05,320 --> 00:15:08,480 Speaker 1: They have little antenna. We can't see him, but those 213 00:15:08,520 --> 00:15:15,120 Speaker 1: little antenna are sticking right out right above their eyebrows, right, 214 00:15:15,920 --> 00:15:18,840 Speaker 1: And even though we don't see him and we don't 215 00:15:18,840 --> 00:15:22,960 Speaker 1: know they're they're they're always those antenna, always beaming and 216 00:15:23,000 --> 00:15:26,040 Speaker 1: feeling us out. And they can tell by the way 217 00:15:26,080 --> 00:15:29,560 Speaker 1: we walk towards them, the way we start the sentence, 218 00:15:29,840 --> 00:15:34,320 Speaker 1: the way we persisent the information, those antenna will drop 219 00:15:34,640 --> 00:15:37,000 Speaker 1: right down into their man parts. You know what the 220 00:15:37,040 --> 00:15:39,920 Speaker 1: man parts are. Mr. The man and his two friends 221 00:15:40,200 --> 00:15:43,000 Speaker 1: drop right down in there. And if they don't feel 222 00:15:43,080 --> 00:15:46,240 Speaker 1: right to them, they're going behind the wall. They're going 223 00:15:46,280 --> 00:15:50,560 Speaker 1: behind the wall. Women don't understand that men have antenna, okay, 224 00:15:50,920 --> 00:15:54,600 Speaker 1: And because we don't realize or understand that they have antenna, 225 00:15:54,840 --> 00:16:01,200 Speaker 1: we move into their space kind of forcefully for them. 226 00:16:01,320 --> 00:16:03,360 Speaker 1: We may not think, I'm just trying to talk to you. 227 00:16:03,400 --> 00:16:05,000 Speaker 1: I'm just trying to get you to hear me. I'm 228 00:16:05,040 --> 00:16:08,080 Speaker 1: just trying, you know, you know what do I need 229 00:16:08,080 --> 00:16:12,440 Speaker 1: to do. After this break, we're going to dive into 230 00:16:12,800 --> 00:16:26,560 Speaker 1: effective communication. Welcome back to the our spot. We are 231 00:16:26,600 --> 00:16:32,840 Speaker 1: going to continue our conversation about communication. Here's another possibility. 232 00:16:33,320 --> 00:16:40,080 Speaker 1: Get you a nice night cow not pajamas, Okay, a 233 00:16:40,200 --> 00:16:44,560 Speaker 1: nice night can take you a nice bath, shower, whatever, 234 00:16:45,720 --> 00:16:50,960 Speaker 1: and put on some nice smelly stuff, snuggle right up 235 00:16:51,000 --> 00:16:53,520 Speaker 1: next to him. And if he said, what's what are 236 00:16:53,560 --> 00:16:56,600 Speaker 1: you doing? What's the matter with you? Nothing? I just 237 00:16:56,680 --> 00:17:00,600 Speaker 1: wanted you to smell me. Come on on me, take 238 00:17:00,640 --> 00:17:05,200 Speaker 1: a sniff. You don't want to sniff? Okay, back off? 239 00:17:06,560 --> 00:17:12,760 Speaker 1: Next day? Put it on again. Mm hmmm, snuggle up again. 240 00:17:13,880 --> 00:17:16,040 Speaker 1: You're doing that again. Yeah, I just want you to 241 00:17:16,119 --> 00:17:20,280 Speaker 1: smell me. Smell you for what? Because I smell nice? 242 00:17:20,359 --> 00:17:22,760 Speaker 1: Don't you want to smell me? All right, come on, 243 00:17:22,800 --> 00:17:26,200 Speaker 1: I'll smell you. And when he starts sniffing, say before 244 00:17:26,200 --> 00:17:29,080 Speaker 1: you do that, can I ask you a question? I 245 00:17:29,200 --> 00:17:32,360 Speaker 1: need you to tell me how to talk to you 246 00:17:32,480 --> 00:17:34,600 Speaker 1: in a way that you can hear it. I need 247 00:17:34,680 --> 00:17:39,480 Speaker 1: you to tell me that. Just ask the question while 248 00:17:39,480 --> 00:17:45,040 Speaker 1: he's sniffing, because sometimes I don't know how to speak 249 00:17:45,080 --> 00:17:46,679 Speaker 1: to you and I want you to be able to 250 00:17:46,680 --> 00:17:48,760 Speaker 1: hear me. Tell me what do I need to do? 251 00:17:48,760 --> 00:17:50,960 Speaker 1: Do I need to write a letter first? Do I need? 252 00:17:51,080 --> 00:17:54,639 Speaker 1: What can we do? And it doesn't have to be 253 00:17:54,840 --> 00:18:01,720 Speaker 1: that literal, but my point is go in soft, going soft, 254 00:18:02,680 --> 00:18:06,000 Speaker 1: and then first of all, tell me if that makes 255 00:18:06,000 --> 00:18:08,560 Speaker 1: sense to you? Is that feel like something you can do? 256 00:18:08,600 --> 00:18:12,040 Speaker 1: If not, we'll go another rap. Yeah. I've tried it 257 00:18:12,119 --> 00:18:14,800 Speaker 1: a couple of times, so I get what you're saying, 258 00:18:14,800 --> 00:18:17,080 Speaker 1: and it makes a lot of sense. Does it make 259 00:18:17,119 --> 00:18:22,360 Speaker 1: a difference, Yeah, try to be gentle. Does he respond 260 00:18:22,400 --> 00:18:26,119 Speaker 1: to the sniffing? Um, I've never tried the way that 261 00:18:26,160 --> 00:18:30,680 Speaker 1: you're suggesting, but I have tried. You know, Hey, how 262 00:18:30,720 --> 00:18:33,600 Speaker 1: can I come to you in order to make our 263 00:18:33,840 --> 00:18:38,040 Speaker 1: communication better? Don't even don't mention that word. Don't mention communication. 264 00:18:38,160 --> 00:18:41,560 Speaker 1: Don't mention that because if he don't know how to 265 00:18:41,640 --> 00:18:44,879 Speaker 1: do it, and you know, I'm just speaking specifically to 266 00:18:45,280 --> 00:18:48,400 Speaker 1: what you're sharing, but it's it's kind of common. If 267 00:18:48,440 --> 00:18:50,760 Speaker 1: you would just say to somebody, what do I need 268 00:18:50,840 --> 00:18:53,080 Speaker 1: to do so that we could tango? The first thing 269 00:18:53,119 --> 00:18:55,159 Speaker 1: coming in their mind is, hell, I don't know how 270 00:18:55,200 --> 00:19:00,320 Speaker 1: to tango? Right, So when you call it communication, if 271 00:19:00,359 --> 00:19:02,640 Speaker 1: he doesn't know how to do it, or if it's frightening, 272 00:19:02,720 --> 00:19:05,080 Speaker 1: or if he's scared, or you know, if he thinks 273 00:19:05,119 --> 00:19:07,439 Speaker 1: it's all gonna be about a problem, he's not going 274 00:19:07,480 --> 00:19:11,480 Speaker 1: to respond well to that word. And that's why I said, 275 00:19:12,280 --> 00:19:15,160 Speaker 1: tell me how I need to say it so you 276 00:19:15,240 --> 00:19:18,920 Speaker 1: can hear it, because I want you to hear me. Okay, 277 00:19:19,119 --> 00:19:22,120 Speaker 1: So you're asking him to do something to please you, 278 00:19:22,840 --> 00:19:28,440 Speaker 1: maybe he gonna find a way to do it. Makes sense, Yeah, soft, 279 00:19:29,520 --> 00:19:34,239 Speaker 1: and the sniff tests work. Two things about men you're 280 00:19:34,280 --> 00:19:37,240 Speaker 1: going to keep in mind. Number one is their visual 281 00:19:37,720 --> 00:19:41,680 Speaker 1: men of visual, and if the visual catches their attention, 282 00:19:41,840 --> 00:19:46,280 Speaker 1: you gotta The other thing is that all the factory nerve, 283 00:19:46,960 --> 00:19:52,560 Speaker 1: the scent opens up their brain and they'll remember. Why 284 00:19:52,560 --> 00:19:55,800 Speaker 1: do you think women spend so much money on perfume? Right? 285 00:19:56,640 --> 00:20:00,960 Speaker 1: Because men they follow vision and they're follow their scent. 286 00:20:01,320 --> 00:20:02,960 Speaker 1: That's why they say a way to a man's heart 287 00:20:02,960 --> 00:20:05,280 Speaker 1: is to a stomach, because if you cook something good, 288 00:20:05,320 --> 00:20:08,000 Speaker 1: it's gonna have a scent, all right, And that's a 289 00:20:08,000 --> 00:20:11,159 Speaker 1: little trick that women don't know about. Man let him sniff, 290 00:20:11,640 --> 00:20:13,720 Speaker 1: why he's sniff and say, wait a minute, wait a minute, 291 00:20:14,160 --> 00:20:17,439 Speaker 1: let me ask you a question. Sometimes it feels like 292 00:20:17,480 --> 00:20:20,320 Speaker 1: you don't hear me. Tell me how I need to 293 00:20:20,359 --> 00:20:23,439 Speaker 1: speak to you so you can hear me. Should I 294 00:20:23,480 --> 00:20:26,399 Speaker 1: ask you questions? You know? Do you want me to 295 00:20:26,440 --> 00:20:29,400 Speaker 1: write you a list? What is it that you want 296 00:20:29,440 --> 00:20:36,119 Speaker 1: me to do? Okay, and you're smelling good, feeling soft, 297 00:20:39,280 --> 00:20:43,760 Speaker 1: That's why I love you to desk. You're an amazing woman. 298 00:20:44,480 --> 00:20:47,800 Speaker 1: And the help that you give people and you're giving 299 00:20:47,800 --> 00:20:51,080 Speaker 1: me I appreciate. Yeah. Well, you know how I got 300 00:20:51,119 --> 00:20:56,760 Speaker 1: to be so smart making a lot of mistakes. That's 301 00:20:56,760 --> 00:20:59,560 Speaker 1: how I learned to scent test. You know, when I 302 00:20:59,640 --> 00:21:02,520 Speaker 1: show in the bedroom and my raggedy pajamas with a 303 00:21:02,720 --> 00:21:06,280 Speaker 1: scarf on my head, smelling like you know, zest. That 304 00:21:06,320 --> 00:21:08,760 Speaker 1: didn't work, so I had to go get me some 305 00:21:08,840 --> 00:21:12,440 Speaker 1: blue angel, you know. And again, you won't be able 306 00:21:12,480 --> 00:21:14,560 Speaker 1: to do this for everything. There's some things that you're 307 00:21:14,560 --> 00:21:17,760 Speaker 1: gonna have to communicate about on the spot. But for 308 00:21:17,800 --> 00:21:21,480 Speaker 1: those long standing things, and you can always ask him, 309 00:21:21,720 --> 00:21:25,080 Speaker 1: but you've got to ask for his input as opposed 310 00:21:25,080 --> 00:21:28,359 Speaker 1: to always imposing your way, because as women, we think 311 00:21:28,400 --> 00:21:31,320 Speaker 1: our way is the way. In fact, you said it earlier, 312 00:21:31,520 --> 00:21:34,800 Speaker 1: you said he's stubborn and you think he needs to change. 313 00:21:35,320 --> 00:21:39,320 Speaker 1: Put that away, Okay, figure out how to work with it. 314 00:21:39,560 --> 00:21:42,560 Speaker 1: There's a way in If it's not sent and if 315 00:21:42,560 --> 00:21:46,000 Speaker 1: it's not vision, it's it'll it'll be something else. And 316 00:21:46,040 --> 00:21:48,639 Speaker 1: for those things that you gotta deal with on the spot, 317 00:21:49,160 --> 00:21:52,080 Speaker 1: simply say to him, Okay, listen, I have something I 318 00:21:52,160 --> 00:21:54,360 Speaker 1: need to say to you, tell me how to say 319 00:21:54,400 --> 00:21:56,879 Speaker 1: it so you can hear it, and he'll say, just 320 00:21:56,920 --> 00:21:59,080 Speaker 1: say it, just say it. No, No, I need you 321 00:21:59,119 --> 00:22:01,680 Speaker 1: to be able to hear it. Can we sit down. 322 00:22:02,760 --> 00:22:04,440 Speaker 1: I don't want to argue, I don't want to fight. 323 00:22:04,720 --> 00:22:07,520 Speaker 1: I just need you to hear me and then be 324 00:22:07,680 --> 00:22:11,159 Speaker 1: open to whatever his response is, because it sounds to 325 00:22:11,200 --> 00:22:15,320 Speaker 1: me like you're a maximizer and he's a minimizer. Is 326 00:22:15,320 --> 00:22:20,040 Speaker 1: that accurate? Probably? What's a maximizer and a minimizer meaning 327 00:22:20,160 --> 00:22:23,840 Speaker 1: you see something and to you, it's a big picture thing. 328 00:22:23,960 --> 00:22:25,760 Speaker 1: You you want to see it and you see all 329 00:22:25,760 --> 00:22:28,159 Speaker 1: the details, and you see how it needs to be fixed, 330 00:22:28,200 --> 00:22:30,040 Speaker 1: and you see what needs to happen and what the 331 00:22:30,080 --> 00:22:32,920 Speaker 1: outcome needs to be. And he'll see something and say, 332 00:22:33,280 --> 00:22:35,320 Speaker 1: let me leave that alone right now, or we'll get 333 00:22:35,359 --> 00:22:40,560 Speaker 1: to it later or whatever. Yeah. I would agree with that. Yes, 334 00:22:41,800 --> 00:22:44,480 Speaker 1: And that's good. That's really good because you see the 335 00:22:44,560 --> 00:22:47,240 Speaker 1: details that he doesn't. What you want to learn how 336 00:22:47,240 --> 00:22:49,679 Speaker 1: to do is how to communicate those details in a 337 00:22:49,760 --> 00:22:53,000 Speaker 1: non threatening way. I will do that in the fight 338 00:22:53,119 --> 00:22:57,119 Speaker 1: fair part, because that's really what you called about, is 339 00:22:57,240 --> 00:23:00,919 Speaker 1: learning how to fight fair. Right, that's a whole another 340 00:23:01,000 --> 00:23:02,879 Speaker 1: list of stuff. In fact, I think I'll do a 341 00:23:02,920 --> 00:23:05,800 Speaker 1: whole show on that, So keep listening and you'll get 342 00:23:05,840 --> 00:23:10,520 Speaker 1: some tipsy Thank you so much, Thank you for calling. 343 00:23:10,960 --> 00:23:16,920 Speaker 1: Love you, love you back alright, beloved, Bye bye, bye bye. 344 00:23:19,480 --> 00:23:23,520 Speaker 1: How can anyone expect to have a healthy, loving, fulfilling 345 00:23:23,680 --> 00:23:28,960 Speaker 1: relationship if both partners, all people involved are not on 346 00:23:29,000 --> 00:23:33,119 Speaker 1: the same page or are not expressing what they need 347 00:23:33,160 --> 00:23:38,400 Speaker 1: from one another. What a topic. And there's probably much 348 00:23:38,480 --> 00:23:42,119 Speaker 1: more that we can dive into in other episodes because 349 00:23:42,560 --> 00:23:48,879 Speaker 1: effective communication is cute, and I suspect many of us 350 00:23:49,000 --> 00:23:52,879 Speaker 1: have no idea what it is, But for now, I 351 00:23:53,160 --> 00:23:57,520 Speaker 1: just wanted to express the importance of focusing on being 352 00:23:57,560 --> 00:24:01,280 Speaker 1: open and honest with your need so that you and 353 00:24:01,400 --> 00:24:06,000 Speaker 1: your partner can get on the same page and the 354 00:24:06,160 --> 00:24:09,200 Speaker 1: same side of the table. And the other major thing 355 00:24:09,280 --> 00:24:14,000 Speaker 1: to avoid in communicating with your partner is assuming that 356 00:24:14,240 --> 00:24:17,760 Speaker 1: you know what they need or want from you. So 357 00:24:17,920 --> 00:24:21,800 Speaker 1: rather than make a total fool of yourself and assume anything, 358 00:24:22,800 --> 00:24:26,320 Speaker 1: talk about it. Talk with your partner in a way 359 00:24:26,320 --> 00:24:31,000 Speaker 1: that works for them, and ask them what they want. Otherwise, 360 00:24:31,520 --> 00:24:36,000 Speaker 1: you know what happens when you assume. I hope this 361 00:24:36,040 --> 00:24:38,280 Speaker 1: has been helpful to someone, and if you have a 362 00:24:38,400 --> 00:24:43,120 Speaker 1: question about this or any other relationship issue, you can 363 00:24:43,160 --> 00:24:46,840 Speaker 1: call me live at seven seven five three zero seven 364 00:24:47,160 --> 00:24:49,840 Speaker 1: seven seven six eight. Now be sure to follow me 365 00:24:49,920 --> 00:24:53,359 Speaker 1: on social media for all of the calling times, and 366 00:24:53,480 --> 00:25:02,879 Speaker 1: until then, stay in peace and not pieces. The R 367 00:25:02,960 --> 00:25:06,879 Speaker 1: Spot is a production of Shondaland Audio in partnership with 368 00:25:07,000 --> 00:25:11,720 Speaker 1: I Heart Radio. For more podcasts from Shondaland Audio, visit 369 00:25:11,840 --> 00:25:15,520 Speaker 1: the I Heart Radio app, Apple podcast, or wherever you 370 00:25:15,680 --> 00:25:17,640 Speaker 1: listen to your favorite shows.