Speaker 1: This is How Men Think? And Gavin and I heard
Speaker 1: radio podcasts Everybody Thought, bar Bosha b A. Milla, hosts
Speaker 1: of American Ninja Warrior. Uh. I'm filling in for Brooks
Speaker 1: and Gavin. I am now the guest host of How
Speaker 1: Men Think. And this podcast is so interesting to me
Speaker 1: because it really does do a deep dive into our
Speaker 1: thought process. And today part of that thought process is
Speaker 1: going to be Alfonso Rivieriro and good friend Jerry O'Connell. Uh.
Speaker 1: Not to mention, we have some help the supernanny Joe Frost.
Speaker 1: She's in UH today and we're gonna have a discussion
Speaker 1: on how to adjust to the new normal, especially at home,
Speaker 1: UH with school coming back into play back to school.
Speaker 1: Everyone's excited. What does that look like? I'm interested. I've
Speaker 1: got four kids of my own. I know Jerry's got
Speaker 1: his kids, Alfonso's got his kids. What do we do?
Speaker 1: How are we doing it? We're gonna hear from them shortly.
Speaker 1: It Right now, let's bring in my two good friends,
Speaker 1: Jerry O'Connell and Alfonso. Jerry, Dude, what's up, Alfonso? How
Speaker 1: you doing? Brother? I'm doing good man. I feel like
Speaker 1: you just came off the golf course. I think every
Speaker 1: time I see you're always golf think I listen, I've
Speaker 1: actually I haven't even been to my golf course in
Speaker 1: two and a half months. Oh is that right? Yeah,
Speaker 1: because I mean, why is that. Well we'll get into
Speaker 1: that during the interview, but I went, I've been all
Speaker 1: over the country in my RV and haven't played really
Speaker 1: any golf at home. I'm actually gonna go tomorrow for
Speaker 1: the first time in over two and a half months
Speaker 1: to play golf. I'm gonna take my boy with me.
Speaker 1: Oh that's good, all right, Well, that's good. May happen
Speaker 1: having a little bit of fun out there, Jerry? What
Speaker 1: about you? Nothing? I actually, um, I am taking golf lessons.
Speaker 1: I'll be ready. I'm trying to get myself ready for
Speaker 1: or when I go out with Alfonso, and I don't
Speaker 1: embarrass myself totally when I'm out there. But nothing, man,
Speaker 1: just sitting at home watching you on Instagram, watching me
Speaker 1: on Instagram. Well look, let's dive right into this. You know, uh,
Speaker 1: everyone kind of you know, knows that school is getting
Speaker 1: ready to come back in and people often how what's
Speaker 1: this new normal look like? For especially for fathers um
Speaker 1: and for you to look, you guys are big time,
Speaker 1: prime time celebrities. I gotta just ask you guys, straight
Speaker 1: off the top. Do you guys cook at home? I
Speaker 1: know you know, Alfonso, you've been in and out r
Speaker 1: V at home. Are you guys cooking at home? Um? No, no, no,
Speaker 1: um when I've been home. But to you know, I'm
Speaker 1: really good at breakfast, so I'll do breakfast. Breakfast is
Speaker 1: something that I can do, but my wife is so
Speaker 1: much better at it that my kids. If I actually
Speaker 1: say I'm making breakfast, I hear the all like you know, like, well,
Speaker 1: I gotta feel that way. But every once in a
Speaker 1: while I give my wife a break and she doesn't
Speaker 1: want to, you know, she stays in bed a little
Speaker 1: longer with the baby, and and I'll come down and
Speaker 1: cook for the boys. And it's like, you know, I'm eggs,
Speaker 1: maybe a little turkey bacon, you know, just basic, basic, basic,
Speaker 1: No turkey bacon, turkey bacon. But what about pancakes. Yeah,
Speaker 1: my wife does the pancakes. My wife, My wife does pancakes.
Speaker 1: She does the Swedish pancakes, is a regular pancakes. She
Speaker 1: does the pancake. So the kids really like the pancakes.
Speaker 1: I can do. I can do French toast. Okay, but good.
Speaker 1: You know they're not really into it as much. So
Speaker 1: so yeah, So I don't do a lot of the cooking.
Speaker 1: My wife does most of it. But um, during during
Speaker 1: this pandemic, we've been doing it in our r V
Speaker 1: in different cities all over the country. So she's had
Speaker 1: to really up the quick RV cooking game, right, Like
Speaker 1: you don't want to cook for an hour in the
Speaker 1: r V, you don't really get you know, super specific
Speaker 1: and start getting creative. It's like, okay, what are the basics?
Speaker 1: What can we eat? What's quite? And she rocks it
Speaker 1: out right. So the bob Evans, you know, mac and
Speaker 1: cheese and and and mash potatoes have been great for
Speaker 1: us because she can knock it out. Me. Yeah, no,
Speaker 1: not so much. I know too, You're you're on that
Speaker 1: bob Evans stuff too, Jerry, Listen. I know I know
Speaker 1: you're asking about our our culinary skills at bar because
Speaker 1: I do follow you on social media and if I recall,
Speaker 1: you posted a recipe for your vegan pancakes a couple
Speaker 1: of years ago. I recall, um, they looked amazing. I
Speaker 1: unlike you. I'm not very good in the kitchen. Hence
Speaker 1: why I think Bob Evans and I work so well together.
Speaker 1: They are ready to eat all real ingredients. I popped
Speaker 1: them in the microwave, and my children have mac and cheese,
Speaker 1: mashed potatoes boom right there. Because I am now now
Speaker 1: that they're distance learning, I am now their cafeteria chef,
Speaker 1: so I'm in charge of their school. So you just
Speaker 1: you look it up with the Bob Evans in the
Speaker 1: boom boom boom, and they go, hey, guys, now get
Speaker 1: back to your zoom class. Exactly. It's um, it's it's
Speaker 1: it's just so easy for me. And also I'm ashamed
Speaker 1: to admit I am not the vegan pancake culinary expert
Speaker 1: that you are a far you well, no judgment. It
Speaker 1: sounds great. I'm hungry too right now, and that sounds great.
Speaker 1: You might actually convert me. Well, my wife, my wife
Speaker 1: is of Swedish heritage, so she makes the Swedish pancakes also,
Speaker 1: and so she rolls them up with the butter and
Speaker 1: little powdered sugar on there. So there's and then we'll
Speaker 1: make them make the regular pancakes. Will make banana pancakes.
Speaker 1: Will make blueberry banana pancakes, so she she rocks it
Speaker 1: out me. The Swede panca. I've never heard of that before.
Speaker 1: The pcakes. The Swediest pancakes are like paper thin, so
Speaker 1: you actually need a grittle to make it all. You
Speaker 1: can't make them in a pan or anything like that.
Speaker 1: You gotta need a full griddle. And you make them.
Speaker 1: She makes a gluten free one and it's like super
Speaker 1: paper thin and you roll them up. Um, you can
Speaker 1: put it's like a create. It's basically like a crepe,
Speaker 1: except of a pancake, and so it tastes a little
Speaker 1: different than a create. Create doesn't really have the flavor.
Speaker 1: Where do they still have some of that flavor? Well,
Speaker 1: look for all the listeners. For those of you guys
Speaker 1: who actually want to get more information on Bob Evans Farm,
Speaker 1: you guys can go and find that information on bob
Speaker 1: Evans Grocery dot com. Um, I'm sure people are going
Speaker 1: there right now. That sounds pretty good. We're talking about fatherhood,
Speaker 1: you know, and fatherhood has been challenging, I know, at
Speaker 1: least for me because you know with four kids funds.
Speaker 1: I know you have four. I've got twins Jerry, I
Speaker 1: know you've got twins. What's been the adjustment, um or
Speaker 1: the biggest adjustment you guys have had to make during
Speaker 1: this time, because I think especially I know, you know,
Speaker 1: husband and wives can kind of go at each other.
Speaker 1: For me personal story, in the first two or three weeks,
Speaker 1: I was like super Dad, trying to do everything, and
Speaker 1: then after a while I just was like and I
Speaker 1: just hey, maybe yeah, you take this because it was hectic.
Speaker 1: I didn't know what to do. And so now preparing
Speaker 1: for the new school year, I'm trying to come up
Speaker 1: with some more plans, but I wanted to hear kind
Speaker 1: of some of you guys plans on how you're gonna
Speaker 1: just for this new staying at home and distant learning. Well,
Speaker 1: I'm I'm actually one of those people that I view life.
Speaker 1: I'm very mental about life, right, So what I'm always
Speaker 1: trying to do is recognize, Okay, this is our new normal.
Speaker 1: Let's figure out how we do this for the long distance. Right.
Speaker 1: So I'm not gonna be the guy who comes in
Speaker 1: and goes I am super Dad for two weeks and
Speaker 1: now I'm out. Um. I I want to be, you know,
Speaker 1: a stable, steady flow through the summer through all of this, um,
Speaker 1: and so my wife and I have agreed that I
Speaker 1: think the best way to do that is to find
Speaker 1: the things that we do and keep a normal pattern
Speaker 1: every day so it doesn't feel very different. Then eventually,
Speaker 1: once we reached the point where that was, you know,
Speaker 1: two and a half months old, we then said, all right,
Speaker 1: we need to switch this up and we bought an RV.
Speaker 1: So we bought the r V and went out. Basically,
Speaker 1: I've driven over twelve thousand miles. Dead serious, So we
Speaker 1: broke out. We were like out of l A, like
Speaker 1: l A. The numbers are going crazy, the world is
Speaker 1: kind of opening up, but I don't believe that we're
Speaker 1: gonna be okay. So we were like, let's break out
Speaker 1: of here, let's go, let's go see family, let's do it.
Speaker 1: R Ving is the is the easiest social distancing way
Speaker 1: to travel. You are by yourself, you never need to
Speaker 1: be around anybody. You go into the truck stop, you
Speaker 1: put your thing in. There's actually apps that you can
Speaker 1: do where you you're like, I'm at pump twenty three
Speaker 1: and fill it up, get back in and keep it moving. Um.
Speaker 1: The only thing you ever have huh, expensive gas for that. Um,
Speaker 1: well it's diesel, so you know, it's it's it's in
Speaker 1: some places it's more expensive. In some places it's cheaper,
Speaker 1: depending on where you are in the country. But but
Speaker 1: we we we just went and we and we loved it,
Speaker 1: and so we got into the rhythm of I always
Speaker 1: said to her, you handle inside. I got outside, right,
Speaker 1: So anything that we're doing outside, anything that was like
Speaker 1: physical with the RV, all of that was me. She
Speaker 1: handled all the inside, most of the cooking, most of
Speaker 1: the you know, we both clean, but um, you know,
Speaker 1: the handling of the stuff inside. She got about what
Speaker 1: about the zoom meetings for for classes and and all
Speaker 1: the educational stuff. So typically at most r V parks
Speaker 1: they've got WiFi, so you can tap right into the WiFi.
Speaker 1: The other thing is is that my RV actually has
Speaker 1: a four g um actual hot spot. So I as
Speaker 1: long as I have cellular, I have a hot spot,
Speaker 1: and basically I have WiFi that everyone can connect to.
Speaker 1: So Alfonso's WiFi in his RV is way better than
Speaker 1: my WiFi at home as loud as you've got cellular.
Speaker 1: As long as you've got cellular, the WiFi works great.
Speaker 1: Like for the kids. We you know, we're streaming in
Speaker 1: the r V. We've got WiFi, we can get on computer,
Speaker 1: we're we are a mobile unit traveling around the country
Speaker 1: and it was fantastic for all of us. Now I'm
Speaker 1: back in l A because now we're back at work
Speaker 1: and we're filming a f V again, So I've got
Speaker 1: to be here. But I have like a month that
Speaker 1: I'm gonna be off. We're wrapping up in the mid
Speaker 1: September and we're gone. We are out of here again.
Speaker 1: We're gonna go away for a month, go traveling. UM.
Speaker 1: Whenever we need to go anywhere. We're gonna just make
Speaker 1: sure that the places that we go have four G
Speaker 1: capability UM, and we'll be we'll be doing schooling and
Speaker 1: social distancing all of that while still not being stuck
Speaker 1: in the house because we just don't know how long
Speaker 1: this is gonna be. And for us, we felt like
Speaker 1: it was super important to create a world that they're
Speaker 1: going to be happy in. UM. Unfortunately, not to create
Speaker 1: that world for my kids, you know, to be able
Speaker 1: to buy an RV, to be able to go do that. UM.
Speaker 1: But but I think the important message, though, Alphonso, is
Speaker 1: what you're talking about is the ability to adapt. So
Speaker 1: you know, regardless of what their finances as your capability is,
Speaker 1: you had something that you were able to adapt and
Speaker 1: it was sustainable. And and so I guess I asked you, Jerry, like,
Speaker 1: what was your how did you adapt and what was
Speaker 1: sustainable for you? Because you know, I think I'm looking
Speaker 1: at myself right now. I did something that wasn't sustainable.
Speaker 1: I wanted to overdrive to try to compensate for all
Speaker 1: of this hectic stuff, and like you know, new information
Speaker 1: coming out, and so I try to go an old
Speaker 1: drive and then I got burnt out. It wasn't sustainable.
Speaker 1: And then I just telling myself sitting in my office
Speaker 1: watching the news, feeling like I was depressed and just
Speaker 1: getting all the update, Well what should we do? Should
Speaker 1: we overbuy? And do we done by it? It was
Speaker 1: all this stuff. What's been the way that you've kept
Speaker 1: things sustainable? Jerry? Well, my family and I did rent
Speaker 1: in RV for four days and we drove to the
Speaker 1: settlement four miles. We we went to the southern tip
Speaker 1: of Yosemite. And after four days, I mean it was
Speaker 1: not going well. We got out of their movie, so
Speaker 1: we don't have I don't have the bond that Alfonso's
Speaker 1: family has with each other. Obviously. UM no, if the
Speaker 1: if there's anything I've learned, UM during these last five months,
Speaker 1: is I really have to have patience as a dad.
Speaker 1: You know, I'm you know, I'm the dad, and um
Speaker 1: if I'm freaking out, um in my household, and by
Speaker 1: the way, I have a right to be. I when
Speaker 1: I got married to my wife, I never thought I'd
Speaker 1: be spending this much time with her. When I had
Speaker 1: children with my wife, I never thought I would be
Speaker 1: spending this much time with them. I mean, we're kind
Speaker 1: of joking, but I'm not. Normally, I have a job,
Speaker 1: I go somewhere. Uh, I can go out to a restaurant,
Speaker 1: I can go meet my buddies at a bar. I
Speaker 1: can go play golf with Alfonse. So um, really all
Speaker 1: of those things are not open right now, and I'm
Speaker 1: stuck with these three people in my house. And listen,
Speaker 1: It's very easy when your kid comes in and screaming about,
Speaker 1: you know, not being able to get onto a WiFi,
Speaker 1: onto a zoom class. You know, it's so easy to
Speaker 1: say like, um, you know, stop yelling at me. I
Speaker 1: don't know why you're you're kicking on the zoo class.
Speaker 1: It's not like I'm not like a zoom experts um,
Speaker 1: you know, I like, I don't work at best by
Speaker 1: What what do you think? You think? Geek squad um?
Speaker 1: What was it? What was your first response when your
Speaker 1: kids say, hey, Dad, I want to change my background?
Speaker 1: My daughter asked me, that's like, I don't even know
Speaker 1: what that is, Like, what are you talking about? Like?
Speaker 1: How do you change? All my friends have backgrounds. I'm like,
Speaker 1: I'm sorry, I've never even heard of m until the year.
Speaker 1: You've having a seventeen year old, right, so she's the one.
Speaker 1: It's like if I need to know how to do something,
Speaker 1: I'm like, hey, Sienna, can you show me how to
Speaker 1: do this? And my wife is really good at that,
Speaker 1: you know. Listen. The beauty of all of this is
Speaker 1: basically being able. Like I bought a new RV. New
Speaker 1: RVs typically have the most problems, right, An older RV
Speaker 1: actually is typically they've gone through all the problems. I've
Speaker 1: gotten them fixed. Right. So I went into this knowing
Speaker 1: that things were going to happen. We were going to
Speaker 1: deal with people who were going to be rude. We
Speaker 1: were gonna deal with racism because we went through areas
Speaker 1: of the South and places in the Midwest that we're
Speaker 1: not school. We were dealing with, you know, the r
Speaker 1: V having trouble. At the end of the day, it
Speaker 1: was like, we're not going to allow this to affect
Speaker 1: our energy. We are going to blow it off the
Speaker 1: shoulder and keep on moving. And I think that is
Speaker 1: and I'm not saying that I'm perfect and anyway, but
Speaker 1: I look at it and I say that is what
Speaker 1: we all need to be able to do during this time.
Speaker 1: Nothing is in our control. We've got to let go
Speaker 1: of certain things that are simply not controllable and accept that, Okay,
Speaker 1: these things are going to be difficult. These things are hard,
Speaker 1: but how do we roll with it? And for me
Speaker 1: as the guy, as the man, as the man of
Speaker 1: the house, I'm like, well, if I set the tone,
Speaker 1: then everybody else can follow. Right now, how do you
Speaker 1: how do you move that forward? Because there are a
Speaker 1: lot of people who are you know, who are listening
Speaker 1: in and they're saying, Okay, I need to now learn
Speaker 1: from what I did last year. What are some of
Speaker 1: the things that you learned from last year that you go, okay,
Speaker 1: you know what that didn't work. This is what I'm doing.
Speaker 1: In for for example, my kids fitness levels dropped. Uh,
Speaker 1: they're eating habits got nasty. I mean because and myself included,
Speaker 1: because I constantly was going to the fridge either out
Speaker 1: of emotional boredom on a stress. My kids feel like
Speaker 1: they're locked up. Where you play outside, Okay, go real
Speaker 1: quick and ride your back around the thing. And you
Speaker 1: know we're just making stuff up. But now like for
Speaker 1: for for example, I am now like creating as as
Speaker 1: we're speaking now, as soon as we get off this
Speaker 1: off this podcast, I'm actually creating a PE list for
Speaker 1: the entire school years, so I know that the fitness
Speaker 1: level no matter what during PE time, there's no I'm
Speaker 1: not taking any meetings, I'm not having any work. I'm
Speaker 1: not doing anything unless they come pay me to do.
Speaker 1: I want my kids and I want my kids in
Speaker 1: your gym class. I will send mine to the school
Speaker 1: of pech. I think, I think what you're saying is
Speaker 1: absolutely perfectly right off Like I think you're you're you're
Speaker 1: creating a system, and that is the way we all
Speaker 1: function at least for us in our house, is the best.
Speaker 1: Like when it's just like well, we're just gonna roll
Speaker 1: with it. It doesn't always work the best. This is
Speaker 1: what doing. We're getting up in the morning. We're gonna
Speaker 1: take our showers, we're gonna brush our teeth. We're gonna
Speaker 1: go downstairs. We're gonna have breakfast. We're gonna zoom class
Speaker 1: for two hours. Then we're gonna get up. We're gonna
Speaker 1: go outside. We're gonna run around. When we're outside running around,
Speaker 1: we're gonna do this, this, this, this, and this. Okay,
Speaker 1: then we're gonna come back in. We're gonna do that again.
Speaker 1: We're gonna got on a zoom call. Then we're gonna
Speaker 1: get off of that. Having a complete schedule, we actually
Speaker 1: have a board and we write down everything that they
Speaker 1: need to do, whether it's speech classes or whatever. It's
Speaker 1: on the board. So now you're not actually being the
Speaker 1: bad guy. The key to it is it's on the schedule.
Speaker 1: It's already on the board. We know we have to
Speaker 1: do this, and I know that it stinks right now
Speaker 1: that you've got to do it, but it's on the board.
Speaker 1: You make the board the bad guy, and you sense it.
Speaker 1: And of course you know as they get older, they're
Speaker 1: like you wrote the board we're talking about, but you're
Speaker 1: keeping them on a schedule. Kids like consistency, right, Why
Speaker 1: do kids, you know, at a younger age not get
Speaker 1: upset when they have to go to school because it's consistent.
Speaker 1: They know they gotta do it. This isn't this isn't
Speaker 1: a choice creating those systems. It's exactly familiarity with things
Speaker 1: that they're comfortable doing. If you create exercises in your backyard. Um,
Speaker 1: I lost ten pounds over COVID right, like, yeah, you
Speaker 1: saw it looks very gave you. Jerry just gave you
Speaker 1: that look like come on, man, like I put on
Speaker 1: you know, it was a look of I'm ashamed right
Speaker 1: now because I show you what I don't want to
Speaker 1: show you what's happening under here. You know what I
Speaker 1: call it. I call it Corona Chubb. That's what I've
Speaker 1: called it. I've called I've put on six pack there,
Speaker 1: it's like now it's like a one pack now. But
Speaker 1: it was any but any facial expressions I was making
Speaker 1: was out of jealousy, saying here like, come on, I
Speaker 1: lost ten pounds and it's just simply one wife's cooking
Speaker 1: right now. I don't get to go to in and out,
Speaker 1: or I don't get to go to my favorite restaurants
Speaker 1: that put a boatload of butter and other stuff in
Speaker 1: it that like is going to make you gain weight,
Speaker 1: Like she was being consistent with breakfast, was this, lunch?
Speaker 1: Is this dinner? Is this? And different? You know, switching
Speaker 1: it up of course, but it was controlled so to me.
Speaker 1: And then getting up in every day when we get
Speaker 1: to a new RV site, we go for a walk,
Speaker 1: get the kids out, we're gonna go. They hop on
Speaker 1: their scooters, We go for walks, we walk around the place,
Speaker 1: we get up, we do some exercise, we went a
Speaker 1: little bit, we throw the ball, We're doing stuff, and
Speaker 1: we're moving every day. And that's just consistent. If you
Speaker 1: can do that every day in your home living, that
Speaker 1: consistency turns into positivity. So, Jerry, what what kind of
Speaker 1: fun activities are you doing with your kids to get
Speaker 1: them moving or just just to kind of break the
Speaker 1: monotony of being at home, because I think that's the
Speaker 1: other part that was difficult, is that I think my
Speaker 1: kids got tired of seeing our four walls, you know,
Speaker 1: just like, uh, do we have to again anything you're
Speaker 1: doing differently? First of all, at Bar. I do have
Speaker 1: to say, if you do do a PE class for
Speaker 1: kids in school, please put it on your Instagram, send
Speaker 1: us all the link. Let's all join up. This would
Speaker 1: be amazing if you had like a large PE class
Speaker 1: that you were running it. I mean, I would be
Speaker 1: definitely into that. It's tough to get my kids moving
Speaker 1: around a little bit, you know. I mean, I think
Speaker 1: it's also why I'm so grateful to be, you know,
Speaker 1: partnering with Bob Evans these days, is that you know,
Speaker 1: we're responsible for every meal at home now and if
Speaker 1: not for Bob Evans and they're ready to eat you know,
Speaker 1: meals with made with real ingredients. Um, i'd uh, I'd
Speaker 1: be up the creek man. You know, I'm gonna jump
Speaker 1: on that because I can tell you real talk. My
Speaker 1: grocery bills I mean just went, I mean just it
Speaker 1: just we blew up the whole budget. The budget was
Speaker 1: just blown out because it was hard to kind of
Speaker 1: figure out what the new pacing of eating was and
Speaker 1: not having stuff there, and we lost time because we're like,
Speaker 1: I'm hungry, we gotta make something because we weren't used
Speaker 1: to that that that flow where you know, at home
Speaker 1: when that's cool. We're not worried about making anything. Now
Speaker 1: we have to try to come up with the menu
Speaker 1: and try to create all of this to kind of,
Speaker 1: you know, keep the kids at bay and then you know,
Speaker 1: there's these long stretch, but any other fun activities you
Speaker 1: might be doing with the kids, or any great ideas
Speaker 1: like just to kind of break up you know, I mean, listen,
Speaker 1: I know I'm speaking to an elite athlete right now. UM.
Speaker 1: I do want to say I did attempt to put
Speaker 1: my children into like a soccer camp before all this. Um,
Speaker 1: I have two daughters and you know, I wanted to
Speaker 1: see if they they had any athletic ability whatso whatsoever.
Speaker 1: And I put them in a soccer camp and the
Speaker 1: coach called me up, and uh, I was like why
Speaker 1: is the what why do you call me up? Coach?
Speaker 1: And he was like, I want to talk to you
Speaker 1: about your daughter. And I was like, wow, this is
Speaker 1: this is how it happens, Like this is in my head.
Speaker 1: I was like, you your your your kids starts playing
Speaker 1: soccer and then the coach says, I need to work
Speaker 1: with her alone. I think she's she can really take
Speaker 1: it to the next level. I think we have the
Speaker 1: next Mia Ham on her hands here and I was like,
Speaker 1: I guess I'll be driving her all over the country
Speaker 1: in our different tournaments and stuff. I can't believe this.
Speaker 1: Like she's gonna represent the United States. It's gonna be
Speaker 1: really great. And the coach said, your daughter shows no
Speaker 1: interest in soccer whatsoever. I feel bad taking your money
Speaker 1: and having her come to this class all the time.
Speaker 1: It's like, wow, coach, I don't pay you to hear
Speaker 1: your opinion. Just keep her alive, her run her. That
Speaker 1: escalated quickly. I mean, it was a precipitous drop. That's
Speaker 1: that's the balloon. It one. The thing is the thing
Speaker 1: for us is that like and I'm I feel like
Speaker 1: I'm really lucky. My two boys are UM are Jeff athletic,
Speaker 1: and they want to run around and they're literally outdoors
Speaker 1: trying to, you know, run around and do as much
Speaker 1: as they can all the time. UM My daughter was
Speaker 1: UM on the road to being an Olympic gymnasts. UM
Speaker 1: and now she's seventeen. She heard her back, so she
Speaker 1: wasn't able to do it anymore. But the meeting, the
Speaker 1: minute that happened, she switched over into dance. UM, so
Speaker 1: you know, motivated physically, Um, my kids are so for me,
Speaker 1: it's it's then kind of focusing that energy, trying to
Speaker 1: just make sure that that energy gets focused into learning,
Speaker 1: into developing skills and becoming better at whatever they're they're
Speaker 1: interested in. Um, I'm probably this afternoon gonna take my
Speaker 1: my kid out to the driving range and we're gonna
Speaker 1: go hit golf balls, right just because he wants to
Speaker 1: go do it. He just he's all in so um.
Speaker 1: But but in terms of advice, I would say, you know,
Speaker 1: you've got to make it fun. I think every person
Speaker 1: who's ever made it to the elite in any sport,
Speaker 1: in anything in the world, it's not other people pushing
Speaker 1: you to do it. You gotta find those things that
Speaker 1: they enjoy, you know, have them try everything. People you
Speaker 1: used to laugh at me all the time because it's like, dude,
Speaker 1: you do everything, And I'm like, yeah, I do everything.
Speaker 1: The reason why I do everything is because I tried
Speaker 1: everything right and I didn't just try and like I
Speaker 1: did it one day and I was like, yeah, I
Speaker 1: didn't like it. I was like, no, no, I'm gonna
Speaker 1: learn how to play baseball. I played baseball. I'm gonna
Speaker 1: learn how to play basketball. I played basketball. I'm gonna
Speaker 1: learn how to race cars. I race cars. I'm gonna
Speaker 1: learn how to play golf. I play golf like I
Speaker 1: do it. I learned how to play racquetball. I learned
Speaker 1: how to play tennis. I learned. I learned everything and
Speaker 1: learned how to dance. I learned how to sing. I
Speaker 1: learned how to act. I learned how to direct. I
Speaker 1: learn how to light. I learned how to write right. Like,
Speaker 1: just keep learning, just keep trying, and don't make it
Speaker 1: a short run. Figure it out, do it just enough.
Speaker 1: Just motivating our kids to just try things and to
Speaker 1: experience things is the key. The one thing I've said
Speaker 1: in all of my life. I do this all the time.
Speaker 1: I say, I don't want to read about something in
Speaker 1: a history book or in a geography book. I want
Speaker 1: to go see it. I want to go experience it.
Speaker 1: I want my kids to go what does Mount Rushmore
Speaker 1: look like? And not decide to go to a magazine
Speaker 1: or a book or on the internet to look at pictures.
Speaker 1: I want them to go to our picture library and go, oh,
Speaker 1: when we were at Mount Rushmore, this was cool because
Speaker 1: of this, this, that net because they experience it, and
Speaker 1: that experience experience really sticks with them. It's something that
Speaker 1: is cemented in them. I guess the last one for
Speaker 1: me would be for both of you guys. Jerry, I'll
Speaker 1: start with you, is how do you challenge your kids?
Speaker 1: Because what I've seen and what I know to be true,
Speaker 1: is that when you're with your kids that long, you
Speaker 1: start to see deficiencies areas that maybe the schools can't
Speaker 1: see because oftentimes when you you send your kids to school,
Speaker 1: you know, you come home and you've got the homework
Speaker 1: that they're dealing with. You see that. But I'm seeing
Speaker 1: other things and my kids that I didn't know really existed.
Speaker 1: So I'm trying to challenge them. So I guess what's
Speaker 1: the best play because I know I Fonso was talking
Speaker 1: about trying to find a way like athletically, what what
Speaker 1: a kid likes? How do you challenge your kid in
Speaker 1: a way that is productive? Um, you know, sometimes feelings
Speaker 1: get hurt. How do you do that? And You've got
Speaker 1: twins so I know and I both have shared that
Speaker 1: in common. I find screaming at them helps if you
Speaker 1: really like get in their face and you really yell
Speaker 1: and serious teasing, making fun of them, teasing them, finding
Speaker 1: out what their insecurities are really like, get hammering them
Speaker 1: on those These are jokes everyone. Um I guess it's
Speaker 1: like Fonso said, just find something that they also enjoy,
Speaker 1: you know, I mean, like I mean Alfonse, I was
Speaker 1: just talking about it. With the golf too. I got
Speaker 1: a couple of lessons for my girls. I was really
Speaker 1: I saw that photo of Tiger catting for his son
Speaker 1: and I was like last week, I was like, girls
Speaker 1: were taking some golf lessons. We're getting out there and
Speaker 1: they're just not feeling it. And you can't force you
Speaker 1: can't force him to do with what they kid do. Hey,
Speaker 1: act bar, I gotta say that photo you posted with
Speaker 1: your son and Kobe the other day was very emotional.
Speaker 1: That was bring the kids and athletes and stuff. I
Speaker 1: mean that was crazy. Yeah, you know, those those types
Speaker 1: of moments you never forget. You know. Obviously yesterday was
Speaker 1: um or when I posted that Ko Kobe day and
Speaker 1: just thinking about you know, him taking that time after
Speaker 1: he kept his word during the game that yeah, I'll
Speaker 1: come get that photo with my son, and it was
Speaker 1: just one of those things I'll never forget. So that's
Speaker 1: why I posted it um, I'll find some what about you.
Speaker 1: We're out of time here, but I wanted to get
Speaker 1: your thoughts on how you challenge your kids to be
Speaker 1: the absolute best when you're around them for so long,
Speaker 1: especially when you see weaknesses you know academically, how do
Speaker 1: you challenge them to get better in that? So? I
Speaker 1: like to utilize UM. When I used to race cars professionally,
Speaker 1: there were two trains of thought, right. The first thought
Speaker 1: was where are you good on the track and where
Speaker 1: are you bad on the track? Make the areas on
Speaker 1: the track better and try to be just overall good.
Speaker 1: And then the other thought was, don't worry about the
Speaker 1: places you're bad on the track. Make sure you're the
Speaker 1: best on the track in a specific area, because if
Speaker 1: you can just make it through while in your bad areas,
Speaker 1: you will really succeed in the areas that you are great.
Speaker 1: So I don't try to focus on the areas where
Speaker 1: they're where they're deficient. I try to really push the
Speaker 1: areas that they are great at and really lift those up. Now,
Speaker 1: by lifting those up, you create a difference between what
Speaker 1: they're really good at and what they're not if they
Speaker 1: have it inside themselves, and that kind of internal motivation.
Speaker 1: They'll want to lift the bottom and get it closer
Speaker 1: to what you've excelled at. So to me, I'm pushing
Speaker 1: on all the areas that they're great. Let's just focus here,
Speaker 1: focus and be better, be better, be better, be better,
Speaker 1: be better, be great, be great. Because they desire that
Speaker 1: they want to be great there, then that ego lifts
Speaker 1: the bottom of the things that they're not so great at.
Speaker 1: They'll help lift that up to be closer to the
Speaker 1: areas in which they're great at. Um. Did you also
Speaker 1: did motivational speaking as well? Did you say that I've done.
Speaker 1: I've done a little. But but the thing for me
Speaker 1: is that that is the that is. You know, we
Speaker 1: all have to have a theory of our lives. How
Speaker 1: do we function and what is our theory about how
Speaker 1: do we succeed in life? Right? Jerry and I know
Speaker 1: this very well. In acting, one person gets the job.
Speaker 1: So if I'm a chubby, short guy, I don't need
Speaker 1: to work on my muscle skills because I'm not going
Speaker 1: to get a role as a big hunk in an
Speaker 1: action film. I'm a little chubby guy. I need to
Speaker 1: be funny, so I will be the funniest little chunky
Speaker 1: guy on the planet, because that's where I'm actually going
Speaker 1: to succeed. And then once I succeed there, I'll lift,
Speaker 1: I'll get shape, I'll do that. But be great at
Speaker 1: the things that you're great at it, don't be mediocre
Speaker 1: at everything. Yeah, I love that. I love that because
Speaker 1: what I'm hearing from that is operating in your strength.
Speaker 1: And that's what I noticed with my own kids. I
Speaker 1: try to get them to operate in their own strength. Um.
Speaker 1: I try to encourage them. I try to identify the
Speaker 1: negative talk because you hear that, you know, when they
Speaker 1: get off the computer, if they're frustrated from a lesson.
Speaker 1: I try to identify the negative talk and then encourage
Speaker 1: them because I always say, my mom told me this
Speaker 1: a lot, is that your words are very powerful. When
Speaker 1: it comes out of your mouth is usually your state
Speaker 1: of mind. And so trying to reverse that and get
Speaker 1: them to see the best of themselves. But guys, this
Speaker 1: is great. Um, you know, people are getting a real
Speaker 1: thought or real look into how men think. So thank you, guys,
Speaker 1: Jerry Alfonso for giving your time. Twelve thousand miles. That's
Speaker 1: a lot of miles. Now I gotta go look at
Speaker 1: my budget and see if I can at least get
Speaker 1: six thousand miles in our because that's pretty dope. I'm
Speaker 1: not gonna lie, that's pretty dope. Yeah, we were about
Speaker 1: to put a bunch more. We put a bunch more
Speaker 1: all there each bob Et Grocery dot com foods along
Speaker 1: the way. All right, thank you guys so much. All right,
Speaker 1: so we're back, and let me tell you that was
Speaker 1: such a great conversation with Alfonso and Jerry. I learned
Speaker 1: so much. We're so we're so much alike, but we're
Speaker 1: so different and so that was cool. But uh, we've
Speaker 1: got a real treat coming up next. You guys know
Speaker 1: her as the Supernanny, but Joe Frost is just an
Speaker 1: absolutely an amazing mind and amazing supernanny. Joe, are you
Speaker 1: with us? Appreciate Thank you for having me. Yeah, no problem,
Speaker 1: I mean you are v Joe Frost. Obviously the Weld
Speaker 1: earned title of the Supernanny. What would you say the parents,
Speaker 1: the parents who are listening, UM is probably maybe if
Speaker 1: you have an advisor to on how to start the
Speaker 1: new school year, because I think that's probably the most
Speaker 1: important thing. A lot of people are anticipating what is
Speaker 1: this year going to look like? Last year kind of
Speaker 1: a last school year rather was just kind of a
Speaker 1: wash because we were all kind of reactive. How do
Speaker 1: you become proactive in this new school year? I mean,
Speaker 1: first and foremost, I think you have to which is
Speaker 1: a tough one for American families. Having spent many, many
Speaker 1: years around the world helping different families. Um, I think
Speaker 1: you've got to lower your expectations. I think we in
Speaker 1: our mind want to be running the gamut of how
Speaker 1: things were before and psychologically being in a space to
Speaker 1: be able to accept where we are at right now,
Speaker 1: where the limitations are. But what we can do is
Speaker 1: a mindset that basically allows us to look at the
Speaker 1: cup of right what can we do rather than feeling
Speaker 1: like everything's being taken away from you and the walls
Speaker 1: are getting smaller and small are so lowering your expectations
Speaker 1: Number one is important. Um, with respect to you know,
Speaker 1: what can we do in the day? How does that
Speaker 1: schedule work? Because I can tell you having spoken to
Speaker 1: families around the world regarding school, it's not ideal for
Speaker 1: any of us. You know, it's not a perfect picture.
Speaker 1: With respects to how those schedules bode with parents that
Speaker 1: are homeworking. Um with the amount of different kids of
Speaker 1: ages that parents have and the work that's going to
Speaker 1: be expected, Like you know, you want to pray right
Speaker 1: now that you hope that you taught those life skills
Speaker 1: because if not, you're going to have a nine year
Speaker 1: old that's going to be calling you like a five
Speaker 1: year old right needing to do work right now. And
Speaker 1: it's teaching us, you know, it's it's in a way
Speaker 1: I see it like like an athlete. Right there's the
Speaker 1: endurance and the stamina and the moments where you push
Speaker 1: yourself a little bit more because you're having those breakthrough
Speaker 1: moments right to excel. And right now, that's what parents
Speaker 1: are doing up here. You know they're finding it tough
Speaker 1: and there, you know, they're feeling like they're nearly at
Speaker 1: the finished line and they're being told not just a
Speaker 1: little bit more, just a little bit more, just a
Speaker 1: little bit more. And that's painstaking because right now we've
Speaker 1: got a whole heap of parents crying, yeah, thinking that
Speaker 1: a finishing line maybe here, but we can't see it.
Speaker 1: There's no exploration date. So I would say lower expectations
Speaker 1: be realistic with what you can manage. It's not going
Speaker 1: to be perfect. We cannot reach that. However, our duty
Speaker 1: first and foremost is to look after our kids, keep
Speaker 1: them alive, keep them safe, make sure that you have
Speaker 1: a routine in place that it's going to support the
Speaker 1: schedule that allows you to be able to pace yourself
Speaker 1: during the week. But because if you don't, then you
Speaker 1: don't get enough sleep, Then you get irritable. Then arguments happen.
Speaker 1: Then the kids a moody for every little thing, Like
Speaker 1: you cut the toast in triangles and it's not good
Speaker 1: enough now they want it in square Like your teenager
Speaker 1: is arguing with you and all of them, you know,
Speaker 1: all of a sudden, you're like, I'm arguing with my
Speaker 1: liven year old here, like what is going on right right?
Speaker 1: And you're like, what is going on? Like I just
Speaker 1: sound like I'm in a playground right now, um, And
Speaker 1: you find yourself caught in this tornado of mayhem rather
Speaker 1: than a moment where you can stay grounded, stay grounded
Speaker 1: and focused on what's the objective. The objective is not
Speaker 1: to complete everything perfect. The objective is to be able
Speaker 1: to pace, have a routine that supports the family, come
Speaker 1: together if you can at lunchtimes and meal times so
Speaker 1: that you can connect. Don't spin a thousand plates again,
Speaker 1: we'll give each other medals or look a thousand plates. Joe.
Speaker 1: I love this what you're saying, because that's exactly all
Speaker 1: the things that my wife and I we did. And
Speaker 1: I think lowering the expectation. And it's hard because I'm
Speaker 1: a former professional athlete and you know, I do tend
Speaker 1: to set the bar high because I've been trained that way.
Speaker 1: Like you know, you want something, you gotta go for it.
Speaker 1: But I think what happens is is that it not
Speaker 1: only stresses my wife and I out, but I think
Speaker 1: it stresses out the kids because there's certain things where
Speaker 1: you just are not going to be able to do
Speaker 1: and you have to do you do you want, But
Speaker 1: you do understand what that mindset, which it's not a
Speaker 1: weak it's not a weak it's not a weak mindset.
Speaker 1: Because for me, hearing that and initially when you set
Speaker 1: that lowering the bar as an athlete, I hear that,
Speaker 1: and as a man, I hear that is Okay, I'm
Speaker 1: giving my kids less. I'm not giving them the best.
Speaker 1: I'm not pushing them to be the top. But if
Speaker 1: you're actually saying to actually, if you lower that expectation
Speaker 1: and you're not trying to throw so much on their plate,
Speaker 1: you're able to get the most out of this entire
Speaker 1: situation homing, you know, school, and it is being okay
Speaker 1: with your best right. The reality is that we're in
Speaker 1: an environment that is not conducive to us reaching what
Speaker 1: we were before. So that's like somebody saying to you, hey, um,
Speaker 1: you know, we're going to have an egg and spoon
Speaker 1: race right now, and your legs are gonna be tight,
Speaker 1: but hey, the rest won't be. You're like, well, how
Speaker 1: am I going to compete and run as fast as
Speaker 1: the rest? You know? And the reality is is that
Speaker 1: you can't expect to be able to meet what you
Speaker 1: did last year based on the confinement of what is
Speaker 1: expected of you. Parents right now are expected to be
Speaker 1: the puppeteer, the entertainer, the teacher, and the parent, and
Speaker 1: at the same time, the person who you know is
Speaker 1: working at home holding down enough dialogue to keep your
Speaker 1: relationship together when you've already spoke four thousand words and
Speaker 1: you're done. And on top of that, now let's talk
Speaker 1: about redefining mascularity because you just spoke about being a
Speaker 1: man and saying, I don't want to think that it's weak.
Speaker 1: I need to remind myself that lawing my expectation is
Speaker 1: not a weak thing as a man. And to me,
Speaker 1: that talks to a bigger topic with respect to as
Speaker 1: we are finding out more about ourselves and and the
Speaker 1: strength that we have, and it is forcing us to
Speaker 1: have communication that we can no longer use excuses for
Speaker 1: as in, we're too busy at work, we don't have
Speaker 1: time where passing ships. I've got to get to work.
Speaker 1: I've got to stay longer. You know, well, schools doing this.
Speaker 1: The a thousand excuses that I hear on a daily
Speaker 1: basis been they've done it, I've tried everything, nothing works.
Speaker 1: The I've tried everything, nothing works. Culture. On top of that,
Speaker 1: this is a major breakthrough for men because women already
Speaker 1: had that movement in the sixties. We already went from
Speaker 1: apen string bearing children, cooking up big peach cobblifies to
Speaker 1: we're in the workforce right and we're holding down careers
Speaker 1: and earning money. And I think there's been a whole,
Speaker 1: a whole level of movement with men over the last
Speaker 1: not that long. I'm going to say maybe over the
Speaker 1: last seven eight years, where we have men really growing
Speaker 1: and processing what does it mean today to be a
Speaker 1: man and redefined masculinity because it's not how we were
Speaker 1: raised when we were younger and the models that we
Speaker 1: saw from men when we were young boys, but it's
Speaker 1: what's expected of us now as fathers, as husbands, and
Speaker 1: how we sit comfortable with that so that we can
Speaker 1: grow and be in in this mode that's not survival.
Speaker 1: You know, I'm not the protector or the provider or um.
Speaker 1: You know, the person who is even maybe now the
Speaker 1: bread winner, but the person who is emotionally supportive, the
Speaker 1: person who is is going to recognize that emotionally expressing
Speaker 1: themselves and showing up with purple jobs rather than pink
Speaker 1: and blue jobs in the house is about teamwork together
Speaker 1: and it doesn't itself based on gender. Does that make
Speaker 1: sense to you, Yeah, it does. But I want to
Speaker 1: push back and have a conversation in regard to that,
Speaker 1: because as you're talking about that purple, the pink and
Speaker 1: blue coming together again. Coming from a you know, a
Speaker 1: sports background, I realized the the importance of team, the
Speaker 1: importance of having different roles as a quarterback. You know,
Speaker 1: I was never a quarterback, but my quarterback, you know,
Speaker 1: he gets the attention. He does all these I'm a
Speaker 1: defensive lineman. We have two different jobs, but we're on
Speaker 1: the same team. And I feel like, and correctly if
Speaker 1: you think that this is wrong or if I'm off
Speaker 1: chart here, but I feel like the purple mindset means
Speaker 1: that it comes it stems from comparison. Well I'm doing this,
Speaker 1: I'm doing that. I remember early in my marriage, my
Speaker 1: wife was like, well, I'm at home doing this, that
Speaker 1: and the other. And I'm saying, well, I'm at work
Speaker 1: doing this, that and the other. And I was just like,
Speaker 1: rather than comparing who's doing what and whose job is harder,
Speaker 1: why don't we realize to be able to operate in
Speaker 1: our strengths so that way we can service our family,
Speaker 1: because that's the team unit. Because I think when I
Speaker 1: try to do what my wife is doing, and if
Speaker 1: I try to put the pressure for her to do
Speaker 1: what I'm doing, I'm really taking away from what she
Speaker 1: does best. She's taken away from like there's a there's
Speaker 1: time to to make adjustments and change, say hey, look,
Speaker 1: I need to lean in over here she might need
Speaker 1: lean in on the other side. But I think when
Speaker 1: you start making this making me into something that I'm not,
Speaker 1: or making a man or a woman into something that
Speaker 1: they're not, and we're all designed differently, so it could
Speaker 1: be reversed. So this it could be the woman is
Speaker 1: the breadwin and the man is to stay at home.
Speaker 1: So it has nothing to do with who's doing what
Speaker 1: as much as respecting what they do for the team.
Speaker 1: Does that make sense because purple, don't you think purple
Speaker 1: is saying that essentially you're cutting yourself fifty fifty for
Speaker 1: moos like you need to be doing that some of
Speaker 1: that and you need to be just so and boom
Speaker 1: there you go. Now, no, there are two different things.
Speaker 1: So so you and your partner have have the strength
Speaker 1: that you're good at, right, all the things that you
Speaker 1: love to do and the things that you're really good
Speaker 1: good at. Don't fix it. It's not broken. It's what
Speaker 1: you love to do. It's what your best. That you
Speaker 1: work that out between the pair of you, that makes
Speaker 1: you instinct it together. Then there then there are the
Speaker 1: overall tasks, jobs, house chores that need to get done,
Speaker 1: and that incorporates work as well. As how you're raising
Speaker 1: the children and being productive with them. And this is
Speaker 1: a time now where it's not defined by gender, like
Speaker 1: while it's the man's job to do that or it's
Speaker 1: the woman's job to do that, it's a moment of
Speaker 1: recognizing that it's a job and it needs to get done.
Speaker 1: So if you've worked out what your strengths are and
Speaker 1: where you are in sync, because it's just a given right,
Speaker 1: then the purple jobs become tasks that need to get
Speaker 1: done that do not identify themselves as a woman's role
Speaker 1: or a man's role. And I'll give you an example
Speaker 1: right now, because this is what I have been dealing
Speaker 1: with a lot across America. We've just currently, you know,
Speaker 1: because of COVID finished filming Supernanny, and I was helping
Speaker 1: a family where the father was the breadwinner. And this
Speaker 1: family or an Instagram family where they make their money
Speaker 1: from sponsors, you know, and they tell their family story
Speaker 1: and the mother generated a demographic that brought a lot
Speaker 1: of interest in sponsorship. So they worked out together. But
Speaker 1: it would make sense that he was at home raising
Speaker 1: the kids and that she was at work going into
Speaker 1: a space where she could do her work. However, they
Speaker 1: had major internal conflict as a couple because in his
Speaker 1: mind he felt that he brought nothing and had no
Speaker 1: value because how he had been raised was the value
Speaker 1: himself based on what he could bring in monetary and
Speaker 1: that money and that is what men are going through
Speaker 1: right now as well, is the recognized is recognizing that
Speaker 1: it has shifted over the years into a space that
Speaker 1: men are learning to value themselves not just based on
Speaker 1: whether they bring it in money or protect or provide,
Speaker 1: but the emotional intelligence of how they are productive fathers
Speaker 1: and husbands and the team, what that they bring in
Speaker 1: and not babysitting the kids. No, you're raising your kids.
Speaker 1: You're not babysitting your own children. You're raising your children.
Speaker 1: You are as valuable and as instrumental in their lives
Speaker 1: as their mother. You know, are we erasing some of
Speaker 1: the paternal instincts because I've heard you said a couple
Speaker 1: of times, um, you know, protector provider. I find that
Speaker 1: that is a a paternal in my opinion. I'm sure
Speaker 1: somebody will blast me about this, but in my opinion,
Speaker 1: I think that that's a paternal instinct. Like I'll never
Speaker 1: forget what my wife to me that we were pregnant,
Speaker 1: that she was pregnant with our twins. Um, the first
Speaker 1: thing my brain went to was, Okay, how much am
Speaker 1: I gonna need to work? How am I going to
Speaker 1: protect them? And like my brain just she's thinking about something.
Speaker 1: She's thinking about what why am I forgetting this in
Speaker 1: a couple of years and that was eight years since
Speaker 1: we baby, when they nesting, he's thinking about what was
Speaker 1: gonna look like? And this was all natural, no judgment,
Speaker 1: like that was her thing. And I think that somehow,
Speaker 1: you know, I think some of the conversations get into
Speaker 1: almost and I've had these conversations with a lot of
Speaker 1: my men, my guy friends, and that you know, you
Speaker 1: almost start to feel bad for having a protective mindset
Speaker 1: or a provider mindset, like that's not a good thing.
Speaker 1: Like and again I think it comes from a comparison thing.
Speaker 1: But like you said, no, no, nobody should, you know,
Speaker 1: nobody should feel bad for that. That's like saying that's
Speaker 1: like saying a single, a single fun other raising his
Speaker 1: children should feel bad because he does what might be
Speaker 1: seen as a feminine energy, right or maternal energy with
Speaker 1: his children. Right. We're now we're now come into a
Speaker 1: space where men are expressing themselves emotionally more. We are
Speaker 1: understanding importance of men not raising their boys just to
Speaker 1: play the dumper trucks and trains, But do I actually
Speaker 1: push a baby around and make home right? And I
Speaker 1: think that's really important. I also think it's incredibly important
Speaker 1: in different cultures as well as an African American men,
Speaker 1: I think that's important. You know, I'm married to an
Speaker 1: African American man, you know, and when I look at
Speaker 1: the culture and you know, how he was raised and
Speaker 1: his father and I, you know, and I talked to
Speaker 1: the black community, I think there's there's much growth there
Speaker 1: as well, and understanding that actually, you know, men are
Speaker 1: breaking through in many wonderful ways that they can still
Speaker 1: own how they feel innately to provide a place what
Speaker 1: was wired, but to also encourage, you know, their young
Speaker 1: boys to know that they will brought up to be men,
Speaker 1: who will be feminists, who will who will have compassion
Speaker 1: and um certainly this caring side of them that is
Speaker 1: shown from a very a very young age. Because toys
Speaker 1: are toys and they're not boys or girls. Boy can
Speaker 1: push a baby around in a in a pram and
Speaker 1: play home and make home and not be seen as
Speaker 1: it's something that is a girl thing to do. Keep it,
Speaker 1: let me keep it real with you. I tend to
Speaker 1: and I'm just going again, I'm sure people will blast
Speaker 1: me on this. Always preface these things because social media
Speaker 1: will just go the I can't believe you're such a better.
Speaker 1: I don't let my son in that manner, like if
Speaker 1: he picks up like he's got you know, two sisters, right,
Speaker 1: I mean he'll play, you know, my play with his
Speaker 1: sister or whatever. But I won't let my son push
Speaker 1: around it all. And uh, you know, I play because
Speaker 1: to me, I think that there's more of an emphasis
Speaker 1: on And I had these conversations where somehow the man
Speaker 1: has to kind of move in the direction of and
Speaker 1: I'm putting in an air quotes here, move towards more
Speaker 1: of the feminine quality. Um. And again I put that
Speaker 1: in air quotes, um, whereas it's not the same really
Speaker 1: on the other end, it's not the reverse like that's
Speaker 1: kind of more seen as a pushback if you know,
Speaker 1: you were to reverse that and going, hey, it should
Speaker 1: be more this way. And I just think that there's
Speaker 1: there's things emasculating a man and if that if that
Speaker 1: term really exists like, he has to show more feminine qualities,
Speaker 1: He has to be more understanding, he has to be
Speaker 1: like you. You you've kind of tapped on it where
Speaker 1: you know his emotional intelligence, but is the underlying there
Speaker 1: he's emotionally growing, meaning that what like meaning he's there
Speaker 1: is there is a there's enough scientific data as well
Speaker 1: as through experiments, social experiments that show that if children
Speaker 1: both sexes are encouraged to just see toys as toys
Speaker 1: and play home and make home, it doesn't it doesn't
Speaker 1: hinder a boy's a boy's temperament or what their DNA
Speaker 1: is if they're competitive, that's about temperament. If you have
Speaker 1: a competitive temperament, or if you have you know, the
Speaker 1: DNA of you know, your mother or your father, meaning
Speaker 1: you'll say, well, you're like your father because you know
Speaker 1: he shows characteristic traits that way, that's DNA. But how
Speaker 1: we how we shape and teach Emperor Fee is through
Speaker 1: showing kindness and care, and that has been seen predominantly
Speaker 1: as a feminine energy, as something that little girls should do.
Speaker 1: If we can raise our boys to have both, then
Speaker 1: we will raise them to become young men who will,
Speaker 1: you know, put themselves in other people's shoes, who will
Speaker 1: be more empathetic. That won't take away competitiveness at all,
Speaker 1: you know, or the or the or the need and
Speaker 1: the drive to be motivated to be successful in whatever
Speaker 1: you do. But it does instill empathy, and we all
Speaker 1: need more empathy in this world. It also teaches young
Speaker 1: boys to express more, to be you'll eat or anything
Speaker 1: like that, you know, but to look, we're going through
Speaker 1: a mental health stigma right now. We know suicide is
Speaker 1: really high amongst young men, and fathers find it really difficult,
Speaker 1: even though we're seeing progress now to be able to
Speaker 1: turn around and say to their sports chump, hey boy,
Speaker 1: I just I spent all day crying last night because
Speaker 1: my wife said something that really made me think about something,
Speaker 1: and because they're all thinking. But then you're gonna look
Speaker 1: at him and go like, what's that. We're here, right,
Speaker 1: We're gonna bread for that to be okay. And I'm
Speaker 1: an emotional guy and I've had conversations with my wife
Speaker 1: where you know, like I will you know, and and
Speaker 1: again this is conversations that you hear all the time,
Speaker 1: Like if I'm more expressive about my emotional state, it
Speaker 1: sometimes may not carry overwell, and I've heard from a
Speaker 1: lot of my guy friends like how much conflict that
Speaker 1: causes in the house, Like the woman has the ability
Speaker 1: to be more expressive about her feelings, um, and the
Speaker 1: man is supposed to listen, be more empathic, whereas when
Speaker 1: it's reversed, it's going And I think that's part of
Speaker 1: the conditioning and how you know we we were raised
Speaker 1: is when you know again just from some of the
Speaker 1: conversations that I've had that when the man is expressive,
Speaker 1: it's it's like ho ho, hold on, like almost like
Speaker 1: there's not enough room for and what you know, like
Speaker 1: that I have to be the emotional one. You have
Speaker 1: to listen and then everything else you just need you
Speaker 1: need to just process that yourself because you're a man,
Speaker 1: you're not supposed to have those feelings. But guess what happens.
Speaker 1: Then women have work to do. Then women have much
Speaker 1: work to do to bring men into a space of
Speaker 1: recognizing that vulnerability is not weakness. You emotionally feeling how
Speaker 1: you feel will only create more emotional more emotional intimacy.
Speaker 1: Women can't have it both ways. They can't turn around
Speaker 1: and say, well, we we don't want you to feel
Speaker 1: or please don't share it with us. You want, we
Speaker 1: want you to fix things and to get the job done.
Speaker 1: But at the end of the day, hey, I'm feeling
Speaker 1: like we're a bit distant. I'm feeling like emotionally you
Speaker 1: don't you don't say anything, you don't get me, you
Speaker 1: don't talk and say anything. You can't have it both ways,
Speaker 1: you know, think it's important for women to understand that
Speaker 1: if you want emotional intimacy with your man, and I'm
Speaker 1: not talking about sexual, I'm talking about on an emotional
Speaker 1: intimate level where you feel heard, where you feel but
Speaker 1: you have the trust where you can truly talk to
Speaker 1: one another about how each other a feeling. Because men
Speaker 1: need that too. Then you've got to do a lot
Speaker 1: of guys saying A lot of my guys wouldn't say that.
Speaker 1: They don't go there. You know, there's this old idea
Speaker 1: that men are you know, they don't talk much and
Speaker 1: they don't say much, and a lot of it has
Speaker 1: to be comes from the ideas like they want to.
Speaker 1: But the minute they start speaking, that's when the biggest
Speaker 1: eruption happened in the household. That's when a lot of
Speaker 1: the confusion and the argument happened is when they feel
Speaker 1: like if I speak up on this, she's going to
Speaker 1: take it as personal, like it's a personal thing. But
Speaker 1: when she speaks, it's more or less like I have
Speaker 1: to listen. I have to be you know, I have
Speaker 1: to fix it. I have to you know, recognize my actions.
Speaker 1: And that's it, Like that's, oh, that's a good husband.
Speaker 1: He listened. But when when the husband speaks, then it's
Speaker 1: just like how do we get around there? Because it's
Speaker 1: like like I'm apprehensive to say anything because if I
Speaker 1: say anything that I know is going to cause a problem.
Speaker 1: Here's what I think the number one tip for that
Speaker 1: communication is is to validate what you're here in First,
Speaker 1: if your job is to listen from your wife, then listen,
Speaker 1: and when you respond, validate mirror what you've heard. Mirror
Speaker 1: what was said in that conversation so that your wife
Speaker 1: feels heard that you heard what she said and validate that.
Speaker 1: And once you have opened up the gate to mirror
Speaker 1: what has been said, like I'm really sorry that you
Speaker 1: feel that you you had so much on your shoulders
Speaker 1: right now, because that must feel really heavy for you
Speaker 1: and very tiring, and you have a long day because
Speaker 1: you're raising the kids, you know, all day and doing
Speaker 1: the teaching with them, and then you know you're getting
Speaker 1: dinner ready tonight as well, So you know, I can
Speaker 1: imagine how difficult that must feel for you, and I'm
Speaker 1: really sorry you're feeling this way. You know, it's about listening,
Speaker 1: mirroring what's being said, and then validating it. The straight away.
Speaker 1: What happens is you the men you come from a
Speaker 1: stance they're not defending, but truly listening, and your wife
Speaker 1: will feel like you heard, and that will stop her
Speaker 1: from having that sword and shield up. Because if a
Speaker 1: woman talks to a man and he listens, and his
Speaker 1: only response is the go to that defends himself rather
Speaker 1: than to diffuse and to show that he truly did
Speaker 1: hear from mirroring and then validating, then you're going to
Speaker 1: have to few up with sword and shield, right Whereas
Speaker 1: if the man can here validate and then defuse the circumstance,
Speaker 1: because the woman will be like, huh, okay, he heard me,
Speaker 1: you can then fal I would I would assume that
Speaker 1: it's the reverse as well, because in that way, what
Speaker 1: you're talking about totally agree with you, and that being
Speaker 1: able to listen and understand that. But what happens when
Speaker 1: the man identifies a problem because it's you know that
Speaker 1: from where you're talking about, identifies that the woman will
Speaker 1: automatically come up with it first, and then the man
Speaker 1: is kind of reacting to what she's saying. But what
Speaker 1: happens when a man wants to engage in a conversation
Speaker 1: first and identify an issue where he's feeling something about
Speaker 1: the relationship or whatever the problem might be, whether it's
Speaker 1: back to school with the kids and how things are
Speaker 1: moving in the house, Like, how does a man address
Speaker 1: that without because most not most, I don't say that.
Speaker 1: A lot of men a man well knowing that the
Speaker 1: minute they say something is wrong, the woman might take
Speaker 1: it as personal and saying I'm not good enough, I'm
Speaker 1: not doing the you know, a good job, and then
Speaker 1: it just kind of breaks away. Nothing. Nothing is wrong
Speaker 1: that a man feels nothing. Number one. So if there
Speaker 1: any women listening to this, you know, there is nothing
Speaker 1: that a man can say if he's expressed in himself
Speaker 1: that is wrong because it's how he feels and he
Speaker 1: owns those feelings, and none of us are here to
Speaker 1: be able to say I will minimize how a man
Speaker 1: feels when he's expressing himself. If you've got to a
Speaker 1: place where your man actually feels comfortable doing that, then
Speaker 1: you're doing something right. However, what I will tell you
Speaker 1: is what I will tell you in those circumstances is
Speaker 1: the more we can practice as as couples, the more
Speaker 1: we can practice in having conversation where we neutralize and
Speaker 1: see it as each other looking at solution rather than
Speaker 1: finger pointing right, the better the outcome. So I use,
Speaker 1: for example, with couples, I've used a box. I literally
Speaker 1: took objectively a box with plat parts and wrote them
Speaker 1: down so that there was no tongue to be judged,
Speaker 1: no eye contact or body language that could be mistewed
Speaker 1: in any way, and that you simply wrote the problem
Speaker 1: down and put it in the box. And twice a week.
Speaker 1: That led to then three times a week that led
Speaker 1: to the then four times you opened up the box
Speaker 1: together and said, right, let's take a look at these
Speaker 1: problems and let's look at how we're going to solve
Speaker 1: them together. Because it's not just what you say, it's
Speaker 1: how you say it, the delivery when you say it,
Speaker 1: and it's also your body because that is your body
Speaker 1: language in when and how you convey the message that
Speaker 1: you want to put across to your partner. So if
Speaker 1: you make an objective by putting those in a card together,
Speaker 1: you both go right, let's take a look and see
Speaker 1: what's in here, and let's work together to solve these issues.
Speaker 1: You won't sue me if I decided to steal that
Speaker 1: and use it in my household. I hope you do.
Speaker 1: I hope you do. It's been very productive and it's
Speaker 1: been very successful for a lot of couples to be
Speaker 1: able to do that. And the fact is is once
Speaker 1: you once you do that, it's not the box that's
Speaker 1: the magic. It's the fact that you both came together
Speaker 1: with an open heart of saying, look, there's no room
Speaker 1: for ego here for me to feel slighted and to
Speaker 1: get touchy and to take it personal. If we're to
Speaker 1: resolve these issues together, then let's look at it together
Speaker 1: and let's recognize that what's being said in a pragmatic
Speaker 1: way is about how we solve the issues. That way,
Speaker 1: you can take the ego out the room, because if
Speaker 1: you're talking to somebody who's continuously feel inslighted or victimized,
Speaker 1: or the tone that you said it or defensive, they're
Speaker 1: just poison arrows in a marriage that leads to bitterness
Speaker 1: and resentment. And that's a hard place to come back from.
Speaker 1: And it's why we're seeing so many divorces right now.
Speaker 1: I mean, that's what we're seeing a lot of divorces
Speaker 1: right now. And I believe in the marriage, you know.
Speaker 1: I believe in the institution of marriage, you know. And
Speaker 1: I believe in the importance of you know, working things
Speaker 1: through and that in a healthy way. Right That's not
Speaker 1: to ignore or to tolerate abuse or any form of
Speaker 1: toxic relationship, but I think it's about time these conversations
Speaker 1: were happening in a very organic, consistent way. Look, we
Speaker 1: saw Will Smith and Jada Pinkett bring on the Red
Speaker 1: Table talk. How could you not love that? Oh my gosh, Okay,
Speaker 1: don't even give me something. I don't want to pick
Speaker 1: this too, you know what it was? Okay, let me
Speaker 1: just say this please. I mean, I know the producers
Speaker 1: said we're gonna wrap this up. Let me tell you
Speaker 1: something that was so amazing because it was so transparent,
Speaker 1: it was so real. You don't see anyone in Hollywood
Speaker 1: giving that level or that that type of insight. Look,
Speaker 1: and I'm sure there are a lot of people who've
Speaker 1: got things to say in the judgment. But one of
Speaker 1: my favorite things from that whole Things and there was
Speaker 1: like bad Marriage for Life, kind of a playoff of
Speaker 1: the Bad Boys for Life. I think what it is
Speaker 1: to me what I heard when I heard that was
Speaker 1: reasonable expectations. Look, marriage is hard as hell and things,
Speaker 1: because I think what happens is there's this over sale
Speaker 1: on the glamor and the beauty and the wedding and
Speaker 1: the road and everything is perfect and when you get
Speaker 1: into it, you're like, gosh, I've never I've not reached
Speaker 1: this perfection or this I think it's learning how to
Speaker 1: kind of like the show that I that I house
Speaker 1: with American Injin Warriors. Just it's one obstacle after the
Speaker 1: next obstacle. Yeah, and it's not happily ever after, it's
Speaker 1: happily working on it happily. Come on, come on, Joe,
Speaker 1: come on, come on, you're killing all right. Well, let
Speaker 1: me tell you something. Look, I I could talk to
Speaker 1: you for another hour. In fact, I'm gonna put you
Speaker 1: on a jet from wherever you are, hopefully your local time,
Speaker 1: and I'm going to bring you to my house and
Speaker 1: you'll be the super Therapist and the Supernanny as well.
Speaker 1: So I just want to thank you so much, um,
Speaker 1: and and look and for all those listeners. If you
Speaker 1: don't know Joe Frost, of course I think you already
Speaker 1: do know her. But remember Supernanny returns to Lifetime on
Speaker 1: September one. She's back in action. Joe Frost, thank you
Speaker 1: so much. This has really been an eye opener. Um.
Speaker 1: I've got a lot to digest. I've got a lot
Speaker 1: to digest from what we just talked to here today,
Speaker 1: So thank you so much. It mhm, well that was fun.
Speaker 1: What a stack show we had today. We had Jerry O'Connor,
Speaker 1: we had Alfonso Ribeiro and Joe Frost. Uh, so much
Speaker 1: to digest from all of those conversations. I want to say,
Speaker 1: first off, a big, big time thank you to both
Speaker 1: Brooks and Gavin for and host How Men Think. I
Speaker 1: hope you guys learned a lot, had a little bit
Speaker 1: more of an inside is how men think, at least
Speaker 1: how I think. But anyways, joining us for more shows
Speaker 1: on how men think.