1 00:00:01,760 --> 00:00:04,480 Speaker 1: Hey everyone, it's Jay here. My wife and I have 2 00:00:04,559 --> 00:00:08,240 Speaker 1: had so much fun creating our own sparkling tea Juni, 3 00:00:08,560 --> 00:00:11,119 Speaker 1: and I've got big news for you. It's at Target 4 00:00:11,240 --> 00:00:13,760 Speaker 1: and we'd love your support. If you can go out 5 00:00:13,840 --> 00:00:18,160 Speaker 1: grab a Juny, You'll be adding adaptagens and neotropics into 6 00:00:18,200 --> 00:00:21,720 Speaker 1: your life with mood boosting properties aimed at promoting a 7 00:00:21,800 --> 00:00:25,200 Speaker 1: balanced and happy mind. Through our commitment to our wellness 8 00:00:25,239 --> 00:00:29,040 Speaker 1: journey and striving to fuel our bodies with the healthiest ingredients, 9 00:00:29,240 --> 00:00:32,520 Speaker 1: It's been our purpose to make healthy choices accessible for all, 10 00:00:32,800 --> 00:00:35,559 Speaker 1: which is why Juni is now on shelves at Target. 11 00:00:35,800 --> 00:00:38,800 Speaker 1: So head to our store locator at Drinkjuni dot com 12 00:00:38,840 --> 00:00:43,680 Speaker 1: and find Juny at a Target near you. Negative people 13 00:00:44,200 --> 00:00:46,199 Speaker 1: are who they are, and you are who you are. 14 00:00:46,680 --> 00:00:49,120 Speaker 1: Whenever you allow someone to get inside and skew your 15 00:00:49,159 --> 00:00:53,040 Speaker 1: own emotions, that means their negativity is one the number 16 00:00:53,080 --> 00:01:01,720 Speaker 1: one health and wellness podcast, Jay Setty Jay Shetty set Hey, everyone, 17 00:01:01,880 --> 00:01:05,080 Speaker 1: welcome back to On Purpose. Thank you so much for 18 00:01:05,200 --> 00:01:08,440 Speaker 1: showing up for yourself, being here for me, and trusting me. 19 00:01:08,920 --> 00:01:11,559 Speaker 1: I'm so grateful that I get to spend the next 20 00:01:11,760 --> 00:01:15,840 Speaker 1: thirty minutes with you. Now, usually at this time of year, 21 00:01:15,880 --> 00:01:18,639 Speaker 1: we're spending a lot of time with family, We're spending 22 00:01:18,640 --> 00:01:21,160 Speaker 1: a lot of time at gatherings, We're spending a lot 23 00:01:21,160 --> 00:01:24,240 Speaker 1: of time even with our coworkers. Maybe there's social events 24 00:01:24,880 --> 00:01:28,800 Speaker 1: and one of the number one questions I get asked is, Jay, 25 00:01:29,319 --> 00:01:33,120 Speaker 1: how do I deal with negative or toxic family members 26 00:01:33,640 --> 00:01:36,880 Speaker 1: and or co workers. Now, I'm sure you've asked this 27 00:01:37,000 --> 00:01:41,360 Speaker 1: question at some point in your life. And sometimes it's 28 00:01:41,400 --> 00:01:44,800 Speaker 1: not because there's anything specifically wrong. There's just always been 29 00:01:44,840 --> 00:01:48,920 Speaker 1: one family member who you're almost scared to see. Right. 30 00:01:48,960 --> 00:01:51,080 Speaker 1: Maybe there's a colleague you get work who you're always 31 00:01:51,160 --> 00:01:54,440 Speaker 1: uncomfortable around and you're trying to rush any meeting with 32 00:01:54,560 --> 00:01:57,560 Speaker 1: them or any interaction with them. Maybe there's a family 33 00:01:57,600 --> 00:02:03,440 Speaker 1: member who always asks you uncomfortable questions, And any of 34 00:02:03,480 --> 00:02:07,160 Speaker 1: these mean this episode is for you. Now, if you're 35 00:02:07,160 --> 00:02:09,640 Speaker 1: at all like me, you like to surround yourself with 36 00:02:09,680 --> 00:02:15,440 Speaker 1: people who radiate positive energy, people who, without being unrealistic, 37 00:02:15,880 --> 00:02:19,919 Speaker 1: treat setbacks as opportunities for learning and self reflection. And 38 00:02:20,040 --> 00:02:22,680 Speaker 1: let's be honest, even I struggle with that. So I'm 39 00:02:22,720 --> 00:02:24,560 Speaker 1: not saying we want to find people and only be 40 00:02:24,560 --> 00:02:28,359 Speaker 1: around people who are positive and fake positive, because toxic 41 00:02:28,400 --> 00:02:33,359 Speaker 1: positivity is as bad as toxic negativity. Sometimes it's even harder. 42 00:02:33,960 --> 00:02:37,839 Speaker 1: But the truth is there will always be highs and lows, right, 43 00:02:37,919 --> 00:02:41,280 Speaker 1: and there's always going to be certain people that we 44 00:02:41,400 --> 00:02:44,959 Speaker 1: find it challenging to be around. Now, when we're around 45 00:02:44,960 --> 00:02:48,760 Speaker 1: these negative people, you exit these encounters feeling a kind 46 00:02:48,800 --> 00:02:52,760 Speaker 1: of contagious darkness, this sad realization that you and that 47 00:02:52,840 --> 00:02:57,560 Speaker 1: person perceive the world through two radically different lenses. This 48 00:02:57,760 --> 00:03:00,760 Speaker 1: is really apparent when it comes to our cowork We 49 00:03:00,840 --> 00:03:04,080 Speaker 1: probably all know someone, probably more than one, who insists 50 00:03:04,120 --> 00:03:08,320 Speaker 1: on putting the most negative, critical, cynical spin on everything 51 00:03:08,400 --> 00:03:11,440 Speaker 1: they see. The way we dress, or the way we cook, 52 00:03:11,760 --> 00:03:14,800 Speaker 1: or the way we clean, the quality of our professional work, 53 00:03:15,120 --> 00:03:17,640 Speaker 1: or the report we turned in or something we said 54 00:03:17,680 --> 00:03:21,000 Speaker 1: on Slack. It doesn't matter what it is. These people 55 00:03:21,040 --> 00:03:24,360 Speaker 1: seem to feast on making us feel less than and 56 00:03:24,400 --> 00:03:28,760 Speaker 1: it usually works too. First things first, let's define what 57 00:03:28,800 --> 00:03:32,160 Speaker 1: we mean when we say that someone is negative or toxic. 58 00:03:32,639 --> 00:03:34,400 Speaker 1: The first thing I want to specify is there is 59 00:03:34,400 --> 00:03:38,120 Speaker 1: no such thing as a toxic or negative person. What's 60 00:03:38,160 --> 00:03:41,400 Speaker 1: happened is that person has built up their negative habit 61 00:03:41,760 --> 00:03:45,280 Speaker 1: a negative pattern, something they've repeated over time that has 62 00:03:45,320 --> 00:03:49,160 Speaker 1: now become their reality and their personality. But there is 63 00:03:49,200 --> 00:03:51,360 Speaker 1: no such thing as a toxic person. There is no 64 00:03:51,480 --> 00:03:54,440 Speaker 1: such thing as a negative person. We almost take on 65 00:03:54,480 --> 00:03:57,600 Speaker 1: the color, we take on the shade of what we're 66 00:03:57,640 --> 00:04:00,880 Speaker 1: immersed in or what we're focused on. What I find 67 00:04:01,000 --> 00:04:03,560 Speaker 1: is that so many of us have just been so 68 00:04:03,920 --> 00:04:07,280 Speaker 1: lost in a negative spiral for so long. Our pattern 69 00:04:07,320 --> 00:04:09,880 Speaker 1: has not been interrupted, it hasn't been broken for so 70 00:04:10,120 --> 00:04:13,200 Speaker 1: long that we feel that is who we are, and 71 00:04:13,400 --> 00:04:16,240 Speaker 1: we feel that is who people are now. Sometimes it 72 00:04:16,240 --> 00:04:18,760 Speaker 1: becomes easier to label them this way because it makes 73 00:04:18,760 --> 00:04:21,680 Speaker 1: it easier for us to make decisions. But I just 74 00:04:21,680 --> 00:04:24,279 Speaker 1: want to get that across. There is no human that 75 00:04:24,440 --> 00:04:28,599 Speaker 1: is inherently that way. They've just been hurt or been 76 00:04:28,680 --> 00:04:32,640 Speaker 1: practicing that method for a long time. Now, let me 77 00:04:32,680 --> 00:04:35,120 Speaker 1: talk to you about the different types we meet. The 78 00:04:35,160 --> 00:04:40,240 Speaker 1: first is the pessimist. This person has a suspicious, paranoid, 79 00:04:40,360 --> 00:04:44,120 Speaker 1: accusing perspective about everything. They might like to think of 80 00:04:44,160 --> 00:04:48,000 Speaker 1: themselves as cynical and sophisticated, but all they are is 81 00:04:48,080 --> 00:04:52,720 Speaker 1: contemptuous in a childish way, contemptuous of other people's feelings 82 00:04:52,839 --> 00:04:58,000 Speaker 1: or imperfections, contemptuous that others don't meet, much less ever 83 00:04:58,080 --> 00:05:01,919 Speaker 1: exceed their expectations. The worst part of all is that 84 00:05:02,000 --> 00:05:06,680 Speaker 1: pessimists experience themselves as taking the moral high ground. I 85 00:05:06,720 --> 00:05:09,320 Speaker 1: know you know what I'm talking about. They think ahead 86 00:05:09,360 --> 00:05:12,080 Speaker 1: and see things that you don't. They can pinpoint the 87 00:05:12,240 --> 00:05:15,640 Speaker 1: hundred different ways something will go wrong, whereas the rest 88 00:05:15,680 --> 00:05:19,839 Speaker 1: of the world, in its naivete has no idea. They're 89 00:05:19,880 --> 00:05:25,120 Speaker 1: innocence who insist on seeing life through pink lenses. If 90 00:05:25,160 --> 00:05:29,120 Speaker 1: you add their brain, experience and forethought, you might understand 91 00:05:29,320 --> 00:05:32,120 Speaker 1: that he sees things as they really are, whereas you 92 00:05:32,440 --> 00:05:35,840 Speaker 1: see things as you wish they were. Now. It can 93 00:05:35,880 --> 00:05:39,240 Speaker 1: be really draining and tiring to be around a pessimist. 94 00:05:39,600 --> 00:05:42,560 Speaker 1: They're always looking at what's going wrong. They're always looking 95 00:05:42,600 --> 00:05:45,479 Speaker 1: at what might not be quite right. You go to 96 00:05:45,520 --> 00:05:48,120 Speaker 1: a wedding, they're complaining about the food. Right, you go 97 00:05:48,160 --> 00:05:51,200 Speaker 1: to a birthday party, they're complaining about the entertainment. They're 98 00:05:51,279 --> 00:05:53,960 Speaker 1: finding a way to put a downer or whatever it 99 00:05:54,000 --> 00:05:56,720 Speaker 1: may be. And hey, if you're like me, I've been 100 00:05:56,760 --> 00:05:59,960 Speaker 1: sucked into this before. I've actually been sucked into it 101 00:06:00,000 --> 00:06:02,120 Speaker 1: where I've started to do the same. How many of 102 00:06:02,160 --> 00:06:04,680 Speaker 1: you have ever felt that where you actually start to 103 00:06:04,800 --> 00:06:09,560 Speaker 1: behave that way now. The second one is the complainer. 104 00:06:10,160 --> 00:06:17,719 Speaker 1: For complainers, everything is wrong, off, flowed, not good enough, sloppy, amateurish, 105 00:06:18,040 --> 00:06:21,440 Speaker 1: two inches too high, two inches too low. You didn't 106 00:06:21,480 --> 00:06:25,200 Speaker 1: bring the right napkins, this soup isn't seasoned right? Did 107 00:06:25,240 --> 00:06:27,640 Speaker 1: you forget to turn the heat on? Why didn't you 108 00:06:27,720 --> 00:06:31,159 Speaker 1: send that report? A five sharp? And you're like, it's 109 00:06:31,160 --> 00:06:34,000 Speaker 1: now five oh three, what's the matter with you? As 110 00:06:34,000 --> 00:06:37,600 Speaker 1: everyone knows, it's a lot easier to complain and criticize 111 00:06:37,920 --> 00:06:41,120 Speaker 1: than it is to create something. It's far easier to 112 00:06:41,160 --> 00:06:45,360 Speaker 1: pass judgment on others than to take a personal risk ourselves. 113 00:06:45,960 --> 00:06:49,080 Speaker 1: That's the nature of the complainer. It seems they won't 114 00:06:49,080 --> 00:06:52,080 Speaker 1: be happy until they're able to point out who, what, 115 00:06:52,360 --> 00:06:55,440 Speaker 1: and where it all went wrong. One of the things 116 00:06:55,480 --> 00:06:59,239 Speaker 1: that I've found really really helpful about this is asking 117 00:06:59,279 --> 00:07:02,120 Speaker 1: the complainer what their highlight was from the last night, 118 00:07:02,400 --> 00:07:05,320 Speaker 1: and if they don't have one, sharing one of your own. 119 00:07:05,680 --> 00:07:07,400 Speaker 1: So let's say you're talking on the phone the next 120 00:07:07,440 --> 00:07:09,720 Speaker 1: day or texting the next day and they go, oh god, 121 00:07:09,760 --> 00:07:11,800 Speaker 1: did you see what they were wearing? Oh God, wasn't 122 00:07:11,880 --> 00:07:14,280 Speaker 1: last night a bore Just be like, well, I can 123 00:07:14,480 --> 00:07:17,720 Speaker 1: understand how it was, but this was one of my highlights, 124 00:07:17,760 --> 00:07:20,040 Speaker 1: what was one of yours? All of a sudden, You've 125 00:07:20,080 --> 00:07:23,120 Speaker 1: turned it without making the other person feel bad, without 126 00:07:23,160 --> 00:07:25,720 Speaker 1: discrediting them. And by the way, I'm not saying to 127 00:07:25,760 --> 00:07:29,240 Speaker 1: ignore people's feelings. If there's a valid feeling someone has 128 00:07:29,280 --> 00:07:33,000 Speaker 1: about not enjoying someone's company or an emotion they experience, 129 00:07:33,360 --> 00:07:35,560 Speaker 1: it's great to let them air it out. I just 130 00:07:35,560 --> 00:07:37,840 Speaker 1: find that often we've done that for too long with 131 00:07:37,920 --> 00:07:42,040 Speaker 1: these individuals. We've almost encouraged and enabled them to have 132 00:07:42,160 --> 00:07:45,840 Speaker 1: a place to complain consistently, and now they're not aware 133 00:07:45,880 --> 00:07:48,280 Speaker 1: of it. Now they actually see it as a way 134 00:07:48,280 --> 00:07:52,080 Speaker 1: of bonding with you. Maybe you've become that person that 135 00:07:52,120 --> 00:07:56,080 Speaker 1: they can complain to endlessly. It's great to ask them 136 00:07:56,120 --> 00:07:58,680 Speaker 1: what's the highlight. It's great to check in with them 137 00:07:59,000 --> 00:08:03,120 Speaker 1: about something they enjoyed. You can change it up if 138 00:08:03,160 --> 00:08:06,880 Speaker 1: you allow yourself to. And I think this hits very 139 00:08:06,880 --> 00:08:10,320 Speaker 1: closely to why I parted up with Match, and what 140 00:08:10,400 --> 00:08:14,160 Speaker 1: I really found was I wanted to create a space 141 00:08:14,720 --> 00:08:19,000 Speaker 1: where people could connect based on their values. And this 142 00:08:19,160 --> 00:08:21,760 Speaker 1: was really really important to me because I feel that 143 00:08:22,360 --> 00:08:26,960 Speaker 1: everything I'm saying here is because we don't realize that 144 00:08:27,000 --> 00:08:31,600 Speaker 1: our core values have such a big impact in terms 145 00:08:31,640 --> 00:08:37,400 Speaker 1: of long term success. Now, the third is the eternal victim. 146 00:08:37,760 --> 00:08:42,800 Speaker 1: They're passive. They always feel sorry for themselves, always feel 147 00:08:42,800 --> 00:08:46,560 Speaker 1: as if the world has personally conspired against them. Rarely 148 00:08:46,600 --> 00:08:49,440 Speaker 1: are they the protagonists of their own lives or the 149 00:08:49,440 --> 00:08:51,680 Speaker 1: ones who reach out and make plans or email you 150 00:08:52,200 --> 00:08:54,680 Speaker 1: or suggest the two of you get together. If you 151 00:08:54,679 --> 00:08:56,920 Speaker 1: do make a date, they spend the entire lunch talking 152 00:08:56,960 --> 00:08:59,319 Speaker 1: about what's gone wrong with their lives and how it 153 00:08:59,360 --> 00:09:02,120 Speaker 1: will never get better because that's just the lot in 154 00:09:02,160 --> 00:09:06,559 Speaker 1: their life. Now. This person's always talking about how someone 155 00:09:06,640 --> 00:09:10,200 Speaker 1: screwed them over, how they're the ones being left behind, 156 00:09:10,640 --> 00:09:13,720 Speaker 1: how they're the one who has been given the short 157 00:09:13,840 --> 00:09:17,719 Speaker 1: end of the stick. Right, They're that eternal victim. By 158 00:09:17,760 --> 00:09:19,200 Speaker 1: the way, some of you may be listening to this 159 00:09:19,280 --> 00:09:22,160 Speaker 1: and realizing, as I often do, Hey, I have some 160 00:09:22,200 --> 00:09:24,839 Speaker 1: of those traits in me, and that helps us be 161 00:09:24,920 --> 00:09:29,840 Speaker 1: compassionate and empathetic towards those individuals. To realize this is 162 00:09:29,880 --> 00:09:32,600 Speaker 1: something that could happen to each and every one of us. 163 00:09:33,200 --> 00:09:35,760 Speaker 1: And if you're feeling like you're like this right now, 164 00:09:36,000 --> 00:09:38,560 Speaker 1: It's important to recognize how we may be turning people 165 00:09:38,600 --> 00:09:42,120 Speaker 1: off from wanting to spend time with us. I find 166 00:09:42,200 --> 00:09:45,080 Speaker 1: that so many of us are unaware how much we 167 00:09:45,160 --> 00:09:50,240 Speaker 1: play the victim card. The next is the energy drainer. 168 00:09:50,920 --> 00:09:53,760 Speaker 1: When you go home to visit your parents or sit 169 00:09:53,800 --> 00:09:56,760 Speaker 1: with a colleague at lunchtime, sometimes it's hard not to 170 00:09:56,800 --> 00:09:59,840 Speaker 1: feel your face to face with a vampire, someone who's 171 00:09:59,840 --> 00:10:04,040 Speaker 1: so out all your enthusiasm, vitality and optimism, someone who 172 00:10:04,120 --> 00:10:07,760 Speaker 1: takes and takes while giving nothing back, and who never 173 00:10:07,880 --> 00:10:11,040 Speaker 1: wants things to ask how you're doing. You leave these 174 00:10:11,160 --> 00:10:14,360 Speaker 1: encounters feeling like you're fleeing one of the dementors from 175 00:10:14,400 --> 00:10:17,840 Speaker 1: Harry Potter, and that your soul, if not your entire being, 176 00:10:18,160 --> 00:10:21,280 Speaker 1: has been inhaled by a third party. Right, and there 177 00:10:21,320 --> 00:10:23,720 Speaker 1: could be a number of ways people energy drain They 178 00:10:24,040 --> 00:10:27,640 Speaker 1: switch conversations without focusing on one. They never ask you 179 00:10:27,720 --> 00:10:31,440 Speaker 1: about yourself. They answer all your questions as if it's 180 00:10:31,480 --> 00:10:35,600 Speaker 1: a free therapy session. They are constantly trying to place 181 00:10:35,760 --> 00:10:39,280 Speaker 1: their weight or the weight of their decisions on you. 182 00:10:39,720 --> 00:10:42,320 Speaker 1: It almost feels like you are having to carry them 183 00:10:42,559 --> 00:10:48,040 Speaker 1: through life without getting any benefits. Support or friendship back 184 00:10:48,760 --> 00:10:51,440 Speaker 1: now the next one. They're just good enoughs. These are 185 00:10:51,480 --> 00:10:54,560 Speaker 1: the people who remind me of the old quote credited 186 00:10:54,600 --> 00:10:58,160 Speaker 1: to the singer Janie Choplin, who once said, you are 187 00:10:58,240 --> 00:11:01,320 Speaker 1: what you settle for. These are the sorts of negative 188 00:11:01,400 --> 00:11:05,160 Speaker 1: toxic people. Remember, not people but habits who never seem 189 00:11:05,200 --> 00:11:08,360 Speaker 1: to want to get better or take risks, or migrate 190 00:11:08,440 --> 00:11:11,720 Speaker 1: outside of their comfort zones, or whether it's because they 191 00:11:11,760 --> 00:11:15,560 Speaker 1: fear failure, lack a self esteem, or don't want to change. 192 00:11:16,040 --> 00:11:19,840 Speaker 1: It's incredibly hard being around people like these. Nor if 193 00:11:19,880 --> 00:11:22,160 Speaker 1: it's a family member or a work colleague, can you 194 00:11:22,240 --> 00:11:26,200 Speaker 1: dodge them. They're your family, it's your workplace. The truth 195 00:11:26,280 --> 00:11:29,679 Speaker 1: is negative people are calling out for attention. They want 196 00:11:29,720 --> 00:11:33,760 Speaker 1: to feel loved because very often, deep down, they don't 197 00:11:33,800 --> 00:11:36,439 Speaker 1: love themselves. I was talking about this with a friend 198 00:11:36,640 --> 00:11:42,240 Speaker 1: just today, that everyone on the planet, everyone in the world, 199 00:11:43,360 --> 00:11:48,680 Speaker 1: is seeking significance. We want to feel like we matter, 200 00:11:49,559 --> 00:11:53,240 Speaker 1: We want to feel a like life has meaning. We 201 00:11:53,320 --> 00:11:57,520 Speaker 1: want to feel like we belong. And when we don't 202 00:11:57,559 --> 00:12:00,360 Speaker 1: feel that way, maybe by our own doing, by the 203 00:12:00,400 --> 00:12:04,959 Speaker 1: community we're in, we often become negative and bitter, and 204 00:12:05,000 --> 00:12:08,439 Speaker 1: we use that as a way of gaining that significance. 205 00:12:08,880 --> 00:12:12,440 Speaker 1: If my life can be that bad, I'm more significant. 206 00:12:13,040 --> 00:12:15,160 Speaker 1: Maybe the only way to feel significant is when we 207 00:12:15,240 --> 00:12:18,160 Speaker 1: complain to someone, because all of us only respond to 208 00:12:18,200 --> 00:12:21,280 Speaker 1: someone who complains. How many of us know a friend 209 00:12:21,280 --> 00:12:23,680 Speaker 1: who we don't turn up for because we know they're 210 00:12:23,800 --> 00:12:27,079 Speaker 1: fine by themselves. But we all know a friend who 211 00:12:27,080 --> 00:12:32,400 Speaker 1: we run to help because they're always complaining. Now, in 212 00:12:32,480 --> 00:12:36,839 Speaker 1: this same way, they crave respect because often they don't 213 00:12:36,840 --> 00:12:40,880 Speaker 1: respect themselves. They want to feel in control and prepared 214 00:12:40,920 --> 00:12:45,120 Speaker 1: for any circumstance or eventuality that might take them by surprise, 215 00:12:45,640 --> 00:12:50,040 Speaker 1: because the alternative makes them feel almost vulnerable. Now, think 216 00:12:50,080 --> 00:12:52,920 Speaker 1: about how you respond to positive people. People who lift 217 00:12:52,960 --> 00:12:55,280 Speaker 1: you up, who smile and make jokes and don't take 218 00:12:55,360 --> 00:12:59,400 Speaker 1: life all that seriously. They make you feel connected, happy seen. 219 00:13:00,240 --> 00:13:02,840 Speaker 1: Negative people, on the other hand, not only make us unhappy, 220 00:13:03,240 --> 00:13:05,440 Speaker 1: they make us doubt the way we see the world. 221 00:13:06,120 --> 00:13:09,240 Speaker 1: We're social beings. It's natural for us to care about 222 00:13:09,240 --> 00:13:11,520 Speaker 1: others and to care what they think of us too. 223 00:13:12,120 --> 00:13:14,600 Speaker 1: It's one reason why being in love is such an 224 00:13:14,640 --> 00:13:19,520 Speaker 1: exhilarating sensation, and why it's doubly hard being around people 225 00:13:19,880 --> 00:13:24,800 Speaker 1: whose negativity excessive anxiety lack of trust or all encompassing 226 00:13:24,840 --> 00:13:29,000 Speaker 1: pessimism is so challenging to respond to. Whether it's a 227 00:13:29,040 --> 00:13:32,520 Speaker 1: parent who discourages us from pursuing our passions and dreams, 228 00:13:32,920 --> 00:13:35,040 Speaker 1: a sibling who tells us that going on the roller 229 00:13:35,040 --> 00:13:38,080 Speaker 1: coaster is too dangerous and will fall and break our necks, 230 00:13:38,600 --> 00:13:40,839 Speaker 1: or a work colleague who gives you dirty looks across 231 00:13:40,880 --> 00:13:44,840 Speaker 1: the room. Being around negativity and toxicity chips away at 232 00:13:44,840 --> 00:13:48,640 Speaker 1: our happiness, confidence and wellbeing. But I want to make 233 00:13:48,679 --> 00:13:53,680 Speaker 1: a distinction here. There is a difference between someone being 234 00:13:53,800 --> 00:13:57,839 Speaker 1: negative to try and protect you, and someone being negative 235 00:13:58,200 --> 00:14:01,120 Speaker 1: when they're trying to hurt you. Often our parents and 236 00:14:01,160 --> 00:14:04,680 Speaker 1: our family members are trying to protect us. They want 237 00:14:04,800 --> 00:14:07,480 Speaker 1: us to be safe. It's not that they don't believe 238 00:14:07,520 --> 00:14:09,920 Speaker 1: in our dreams. It's that they don't want us to 239 00:14:10,000 --> 00:14:12,760 Speaker 1: go through the things that it takes to get to 240 00:14:12,840 --> 00:14:17,240 Speaker 1: our dreams. Listen to me carefully, It's not that your 241 00:14:17,320 --> 00:14:21,640 Speaker 1: family doesn't believe in your dreams. They don't want you 242 00:14:21,680 --> 00:14:25,280 Speaker 1: to go through the pain that may come if you 243 00:14:25,360 --> 00:14:30,400 Speaker 1: pursue your dreams. Sometimes people want to protect you, not 244 00:14:30,560 --> 00:14:39,120 Speaker 1: hurt you. Don't misunderstand their protection as their projection of 245 00:14:39,160 --> 00:14:43,520 Speaker 1: your potential failure. They don't think you're going to fail. 246 00:14:44,200 --> 00:14:47,680 Speaker 1: They don't want you to fail. They're just worried about 247 00:14:47,720 --> 00:14:51,600 Speaker 1: how you will feel if you fail. It's important to 248 00:14:51,640 --> 00:14:58,120 Speaker 1: remember that. Okay, I am so excited about this because 249 00:14:58,320 --> 00:15:02,600 Speaker 1: we've got the first ever merch drop for on Purpose. 250 00:15:02,960 --> 00:15:06,720 Speaker 1: It's finally here and for world mental health. Today we're 251 00:15:06,720 --> 00:15:11,320 Speaker 1: doing an exclusive limited edition drop with all the proceeds 252 00:15:11,480 --> 00:15:15,720 Speaker 1: going to the National Alliance on Mental Illness NAMI. So 253 00:15:15,800 --> 00:15:18,280 Speaker 1: now you can wear your on Purpose merch, listen to 254 00:15:18,320 --> 00:15:21,440 Speaker 1: the podcast and know that you two are having an impact. 255 00:15:21,760 --> 00:15:23,560 Speaker 1: I want to thank you so much in advance. I 256 00:15:23,600 --> 00:15:26,360 Speaker 1: can't wait to see all of your pictures wearing the merch, 257 00:15:26,640 --> 00:15:30,120 Speaker 1: their sweatshirts, a hat, t shirts. Check it out on 258 00:15:30,160 --> 00:15:37,040 Speaker 1: our website jshetdyshop dot com. That's Jshettishop dot com. And remember, 259 00:15:37,400 --> 00:15:42,640 Speaker 1: one hundred percent of the proceeds go to NAMI. Here 260 00:15:42,680 --> 00:15:45,120 Speaker 1: are some tips and strategies for how to deal with 261 00:15:45,240 --> 00:15:49,320 Speaker 1: negativity and toxicity, and we'll begin with our families. You've 262 00:15:49,360 --> 00:15:51,960 Speaker 1: just arrived home for the long weekend, eager to tell 263 00:15:52,000 --> 00:15:54,400 Speaker 1: your parents about what's going on with your life, your job, 264 00:15:54,440 --> 00:15:57,840 Speaker 1: your partner, your future, your hopes, your dreams, and whatever 265 00:15:57,840 --> 00:16:01,480 Speaker 1: else you're in the mood to share. During dinner, your brother, 266 00:16:01,560 --> 00:16:03,640 Speaker 1: who's been out of work for the past six months, 267 00:16:04,000 --> 00:16:07,960 Speaker 1: starts making cutting comments about your hair, your outfit, your apartment, 268 00:16:08,200 --> 00:16:11,119 Speaker 1: your dog, and about how you were always the successful 269 00:16:11,120 --> 00:16:13,960 Speaker 1: one in the family, weren't you. A half hour later, 270 00:16:14,280 --> 00:16:17,360 Speaker 1: a perfectly nice dinner has been turned into something that 271 00:16:17,400 --> 00:16:19,920 Speaker 1: makes you want to run from the table and hide 272 00:16:20,040 --> 00:16:23,640 Speaker 1: under the bed. Or imagine that it's Monday morning and 273 00:16:23,680 --> 00:16:27,120 Speaker 1: you've come to work early, full of ideas and enthusiasm 274 00:16:27,400 --> 00:16:31,040 Speaker 1: about what today and the weak ahead might bring. Immediately, 275 00:16:31,080 --> 00:16:34,520 Speaker 1: a coworker sides up to your desk and makes a face. 276 00:16:35,160 --> 00:16:38,320 Speaker 1: Did you see that comment on Slack? Is your horrible boss? 277 00:16:38,320 --> 00:16:41,080 Speaker 1: In yet? Did you notice it was raining and see 278 00:16:41,120 --> 00:16:44,160 Speaker 1: that the news is uniformly bad and the whole world 279 00:16:44,240 --> 00:16:46,800 Speaker 1: is going to hell? So what's the point of doing anything? 280 00:16:47,160 --> 00:16:50,080 Speaker 1: Within seconds, you're aware of a radical downshift in your 281 00:16:50,120 --> 00:16:53,600 Speaker 1: own mood. Instead of feeling excited about being at work, 282 00:16:53,920 --> 00:16:58,200 Speaker 1: you've entered the same gloomy ecosystem inhabited by your colleague. 283 00:16:58,600 --> 00:17:01,920 Speaker 1: Your enthusiasm is now a shot. You may even start 284 00:17:01,960 --> 00:17:05,920 Speaker 1: thinking she's right. Work is bad. The world is terrible, 285 00:17:06,200 --> 00:17:08,760 Speaker 1: and I need to grow up and face facts, and 286 00:17:08,840 --> 00:17:12,920 Speaker 1: even worse, there's nothing I can do. The way negativity 287 00:17:12,960 --> 00:17:15,760 Speaker 1: can catch like a colder a virus will come as 288 00:17:15,840 --> 00:17:19,399 Speaker 1: no surprise to researchers. Studies have come out showing that 289 00:17:19,520 --> 00:17:23,840 Speaker 1: social media accounts that traffic and negativity have fewer followers, 290 00:17:24,160 --> 00:17:27,280 Speaker 1: and a report from Stanford showed that the negative reader 291 00:17:27,320 --> 00:17:31,760 Speaker 1: comments you see under articles typically damage the entire reader community. 292 00:17:32,480 --> 00:17:35,840 Speaker 1: So what should you do? The easy answer is run, 293 00:17:36,520 --> 00:17:39,160 Speaker 1: but the truth is, nine times out of ten, that's 294 00:17:39,160 --> 00:17:42,600 Speaker 1: not always possible. Here's the first step that has made 295 00:17:42,640 --> 00:17:46,200 Speaker 1: the biggest difference in my life. If you don't love 296 00:17:46,240 --> 00:17:52,399 Speaker 1: someone's behavior, try to understand their context, their story, not 297 00:17:52,520 --> 00:17:57,320 Speaker 1: what they're saying, but how they got there. As Oprah 298 00:17:57,359 --> 00:18:01,280 Speaker 1: would say, ask them what happened to you? And sometimes 299 00:18:01,280 --> 00:18:03,920 Speaker 1: you may not get to ask them directly, but think 300 00:18:04,000 --> 00:18:08,920 Speaker 1: through that, treat them with understanding and compassion. Almost all 301 00:18:09,000 --> 00:18:13,320 Speaker 1: negativity originates in fear, the fear that others won't love 302 00:18:13,400 --> 00:18:17,080 Speaker 1: or respect you, or that catastrophic things are about to happen. 303 00:18:17,800 --> 00:18:21,920 Speaker 1: Imagine what kind of childhood or at experiences this person 304 00:18:22,119 --> 00:18:25,880 Speaker 1: might have had to produce and recreate these feelings. When 305 00:18:25,920 --> 00:18:28,400 Speaker 1: you think about it, doesn't it follow that they would 306 00:18:28,400 --> 00:18:33,120 Speaker 1: transpose their own frightened internal voice onto anyone else within earshot. 307 00:18:34,000 --> 00:18:36,639 Speaker 1: Imagine the internal pain of someone who tells you not 308 00:18:36,680 --> 00:18:40,280 Speaker 1: to pursue your dreams because they're liable to fail, or 309 00:18:40,400 --> 00:18:44,400 Speaker 1: discourages you from taking risks, or refuses to trust anyone 310 00:18:44,680 --> 00:18:50,160 Speaker 1: because chances are they'll end up betraying you. Thin skins, judgment, criticism, 311 00:18:50,320 --> 00:18:54,040 Speaker 1: risk aversion, seeing dark motives in everyone, a belief the 312 00:18:54,080 --> 00:18:56,760 Speaker 1: future will go badly, and the need to control the 313 00:18:56,800 --> 00:18:59,840 Speaker 1: behavior of everyone around you are symptoms not of a 314 00:19:00,040 --> 00:19:05,120 Speaker 1: sophisticated worldview, but of a hurt, damaged person. And while 315 00:19:05,119 --> 00:19:07,359 Speaker 1: I'm not saying that you can do their healing or 316 00:19:07,440 --> 00:19:11,000 Speaker 1: therapy for them, it's important to realize it's also not 317 00:19:11,080 --> 00:19:15,040 Speaker 1: about you. Rather than think about how their negativity affects you, 318 00:19:15,600 --> 00:19:18,080 Speaker 1: imagine what it's like being inside a brain like that 319 00:19:18,520 --> 00:19:22,080 Speaker 1: twenty four seven. Once you consider their behavior from that 320 00:19:22,200 --> 00:19:25,359 Speaker 1: point of view, you'll realize that the negativity they show 321 00:19:25,400 --> 00:19:30,080 Speaker 1: the world likely pales to their own self criticism, and 322 00:19:30,119 --> 00:19:33,360 Speaker 1: that what leads us to the next point. Remember it's 323 00:19:33,400 --> 00:19:36,280 Speaker 1: not about you, now, how is the hurtful comment my 324 00:19:36,359 --> 00:19:38,639 Speaker 1: sister just made about the way I laugh, or the 325 00:19:38,720 --> 00:19:41,600 Speaker 1: remark my cowork had delivered about the condition of my desk, 326 00:19:41,920 --> 00:19:46,000 Speaker 1: not about me. It's not and I'll explain. Negativity is 327 00:19:46,040 --> 00:19:49,919 Speaker 1: a bias that sweeps up everything in its path. A 328 00:19:49,960 --> 00:19:53,399 Speaker 1: negative remark directed to you may feel personal, and in 329 00:19:53,440 --> 00:19:56,480 Speaker 1: many ways it is, but that doesn't mean it's personal 330 00:19:56,560 --> 00:20:00,720 Speaker 1: to you. It's worth thinking of negativity or pessimist as 331 00:20:00,760 --> 00:20:03,760 Speaker 1: a pair of glasses. Your sister or work colleague came 332 00:20:03,760 --> 00:20:07,520 Speaker 1: into this world wearing lenses that were darkened further through 333 00:20:07,560 --> 00:20:12,480 Speaker 1: difficult experiences or feeling frightened or out of control. When 334 00:20:12,520 --> 00:20:15,040 Speaker 1: I say it's not personal, what I mean is that 335 00:20:15,200 --> 00:20:19,520 Speaker 1: negative people are negative about everyone and everything, not just you, 336 00:20:19,920 --> 00:20:23,560 Speaker 1: and it begins with themselves. What role are you willing 337 00:20:23,600 --> 00:20:27,120 Speaker 1: to play in your relationship with a negative, toxic person. 338 00:20:27,800 --> 00:20:30,840 Speaker 1: It's time to decide. This is a big one. And 339 00:20:30,920 --> 00:20:35,280 Speaker 1: remember no family or workplace is perfect, and drama happens everywhere. 340 00:20:35,880 --> 00:20:38,600 Speaker 1: Let's say you're a home with an older sibling who's 341 00:20:38,640 --> 00:20:41,399 Speaker 1: having issues with your mom. He comes to you and 342 00:20:41,480 --> 00:20:44,720 Speaker 1: every word out of his mouth is negative. Mom Does this? Mom? 343 00:20:44,800 --> 00:20:47,520 Speaker 1: Does that? I know exactly how mum will respond if 344 00:20:47,560 --> 00:20:51,120 Speaker 1: I don't or if I do. This makes you uncomfortable, 345 00:20:51,480 --> 00:20:53,640 Speaker 1: but you don't know where to turn. Come on, it's 346 00:20:53,640 --> 00:20:56,639 Speaker 1: your brother, But for your own mental health and well being, 347 00:20:56,880 --> 00:21:00,640 Speaker 1: it's important to determine your role in this dynamic, one 348 00:21:00,680 --> 00:21:05,199 Speaker 1: which psychologists call splitting, meaning that you're being asked to 349 00:21:05,280 --> 00:21:09,840 Speaker 1: divide up your loyalties. Are you the designated middleman? Is 350 00:21:09,840 --> 00:21:12,840 Speaker 1: there anything productive and positive you can do? Or is 351 00:21:12,880 --> 00:21:16,399 Speaker 1: this between your brother and your mom? The answer the latter. 352 00:21:16,960 --> 00:21:19,080 Speaker 1: Whatever is going on between the two of them has 353 00:21:19,119 --> 00:21:21,879 Speaker 1: nothing to do with you. It's poisoning your relationship with 354 00:21:21,960 --> 00:21:24,320 Speaker 1: both of them, and if they want to talk about this, 355 00:21:24,520 --> 00:21:26,760 Speaker 1: they need to do it face to face. You might 356 00:21:26,800 --> 00:21:28,800 Speaker 1: also need to set boundaries with your mom if she 357 00:21:28,840 --> 00:21:31,080 Speaker 1: brings up your brother, tell her that you don't feel 358 00:21:31,080 --> 00:21:33,720 Speaker 1: comfortable talking about his issues with her, and that they 359 00:21:33,760 --> 00:21:37,200 Speaker 1: should engage in a conversation directly. One of the biggest 360 00:21:37,200 --> 00:21:40,560 Speaker 1: mistakes we make in relationships is we think we can 361 00:21:40,600 --> 00:21:44,680 Speaker 1: save people. You think you can save the relationship between 362 00:21:44,720 --> 00:21:47,679 Speaker 1: your mom and your sister. You think you can save 363 00:21:47,760 --> 00:21:52,719 Speaker 1: the relationship between your brother and his best friend. You 364 00:21:52,800 --> 00:21:57,400 Speaker 1: believe you can save the relationship between your parents. You 365 00:21:57,480 --> 00:22:03,560 Speaker 1: cannot save any relationship that you are not in. Remember 366 00:22:03,600 --> 00:22:07,400 Speaker 1: that you can't save a relationship that you're not in, 367 00:22:08,040 --> 00:22:10,440 Speaker 1: and sometimes you can't even save the one you're in 368 00:22:10,920 --> 00:22:14,840 Speaker 1: because you're only fifty percent of the story. So it's 369 00:22:14,880 --> 00:22:18,280 Speaker 1: so important that we take off that pressure for us 370 00:22:18,320 --> 00:22:22,159 Speaker 1: to solve, save, fix whatever we think is broken, and 371 00:22:22,280 --> 00:22:26,359 Speaker 1: recognize we can be supportive, but we can't solve. We 372 00:22:26,440 --> 00:22:30,800 Speaker 1: can be supportive, but we can't save. That's not our role. 373 00:22:31,520 --> 00:22:34,840 Speaker 1: Take off that pressure, give yourself some space and grace, 374 00:22:35,560 --> 00:22:39,280 Speaker 1: and hold fast to your own power. Don't let negativity 375 00:22:39,480 --> 00:22:44,760 Speaker 1: seep through your firewall. Remember negative people are who they are, 376 00:22:44,840 --> 00:22:47,440 Speaker 1: and you are who you are. Whenever you allow someone 377 00:22:47,440 --> 00:22:50,600 Speaker 1: to get inside and skew your own emotions, that means 378 00:22:50,600 --> 00:22:53,840 Speaker 1: their negativity is one and that you've given it too 379 00:22:53,920 --> 00:22:57,440 Speaker 1: much power and influence. Remember always that you're in charge 380 00:22:57,440 --> 00:22:59,960 Speaker 1: of the way you feel, the way you see the world, 381 00:23:00,200 --> 00:23:03,040 Speaker 1: and the way you interpret the world. Yes, you may 382 00:23:03,080 --> 00:23:05,480 Speaker 1: be wrong, and every now and then the negative person 383 00:23:05,520 --> 00:23:07,679 Speaker 1: has a point to make that you may agree with, 384 00:23:08,200 --> 00:23:12,439 Speaker 1: But be careful about relinquishing your identity and power to 385 00:23:12,520 --> 00:23:15,439 Speaker 1: a family member or colleague who has an axe to grind. 386 00:23:16,160 --> 00:23:20,040 Speaker 1: When someone gives you negative, instead of giving them positive, 387 00:23:20,880 --> 00:23:25,440 Speaker 1: give them reflective. That's the step they're missing, is reflection. 388 00:23:26,160 --> 00:23:29,240 Speaker 1: If your mum or your coworker says something snarky about you, 389 00:23:29,880 --> 00:23:34,199 Speaker 1: refuse to be drawn into the exchange. Respond instead with 390 00:23:34,440 --> 00:23:38,320 Speaker 1: a reflective remark. And that reflective remark could be have 391 00:23:38,440 --> 00:23:41,080 Speaker 1: you thought about it like this, I've read something really 392 00:23:41,160 --> 00:23:43,520 Speaker 1: interesting that shared this. What's your thoughts on that? Now 393 00:23:43,560 --> 00:23:46,520 Speaker 1: they may give another negative remark, but you've planted the 394 00:23:46,560 --> 00:23:50,520 Speaker 1: seed of reflection. You can also respond with the positive 395 00:23:50,560 --> 00:23:53,480 Speaker 1: about them. If someone says something bad about you, you can say, mom, 396 00:23:53,520 --> 00:23:56,000 Speaker 1: where did you get that beautiful scarf? Or those shoes 397 00:23:56,040 --> 00:23:59,680 Speaker 1: you're wearing are amazing. If a colleague says another depressing 398 00:23:59,760 --> 00:24:03,600 Speaker 1: day outside, consider sharing with her how nice it is 399 00:24:03,640 --> 00:24:06,199 Speaker 1: to have a break from endlessly sunny days and our 400 00:24:06,280 --> 00:24:09,040 Speaker 1: rain makes you feel cozy, or one of your favorite memories. 401 00:24:09,720 --> 00:24:13,480 Speaker 1: Instead of collaborating with their negativity, you might mention the 402 00:24:13,520 --> 00:24:16,040 Speaker 1: things you love about your work. Then I'll share the 403 00:24:16,119 --> 00:24:19,760 Speaker 1: conversation back to the workplace. If they persist, you might 404 00:24:19,760 --> 00:24:21,800 Speaker 1: tell them that your hands are tied and there's nothing 405 00:24:21,840 --> 00:24:25,040 Speaker 1: you can do sooner or later people start to get 406 00:24:25,080 --> 00:24:29,280 Speaker 1: the message that their negativity has not been enabled, which 407 00:24:29,359 --> 00:24:32,639 Speaker 1: in turn makes them be reflective and maybe figure a 408 00:24:32,640 --> 00:24:36,639 Speaker 1: different path. It's important to also create distance and boundaries 409 00:24:37,080 --> 00:24:40,800 Speaker 1: in family situations and in the workplace. Creating distance sounds 410 00:24:40,880 --> 00:24:43,960 Speaker 1: easier than it probably is. In many scenarios, we have 411 00:24:44,000 --> 00:24:46,679 Speaker 1: no choice but to engage with moms, dad's, siblings, colleagues 412 00:24:46,720 --> 00:24:50,040 Speaker 1: and bosses. When I suggest creating distance or a firewall. 413 00:24:50,440 --> 00:24:53,760 Speaker 1: Sometimes physically this just isn't possible, but that doesn't mean 414 00:24:53,800 --> 00:24:57,120 Speaker 1: you can't do it. Emotionally. You can be perfectly pleasant 415 00:24:57,359 --> 00:25:01,040 Speaker 1: and perfectly polite while letting toxic commons roll right off 416 00:25:01,080 --> 00:25:04,919 Speaker 1: your back, remembering always that those comments have less to 417 00:25:04,920 --> 00:25:07,280 Speaker 1: do with you than they do with the person who's 418 00:25:07,320 --> 00:25:10,600 Speaker 1: delivering them. You can even do this physically. If you 419 00:25:10,720 --> 00:25:13,080 Speaker 1: know your brother is about to start talking about how 420 00:25:13,119 --> 00:25:16,520 Speaker 1: he hates everybody and everything, and your cubicle mate begins 421 00:25:16,640 --> 00:25:20,240 Speaker 1: rolling our eyes, feel free to excuse yourself from the table, 422 00:25:20,680 --> 00:25:23,320 Speaker 1: move to another seat, or position yourself next to a 423 00:25:23,359 --> 00:25:27,080 Speaker 1: colleague who sees the world differently. When all else fails, 424 00:25:27,320 --> 00:25:30,840 Speaker 1: there's honesty if you just can't take it anymore. I 425 00:25:30,920 --> 00:25:35,439 Speaker 1: always recommend honesty with a coworker. You might say, you know, 426 00:25:35,520 --> 00:25:38,760 Speaker 1: every time anyone comes up with an idea, my experience 427 00:25:39,359 --> 00:25:42,080 Speaker 1: is that you have a different response. Is there a 428 00:25:42,240 --> 00:25:46,119 Speaker 1: reason for that? And maybe you know everyone starts to 429 00:25:46,200 --> 00:25:49,639 Speaker 1: notice it the point where people start to disengage and 430 00:25:49,680 --> 00:25:54,280 Speaker 1: not share their ideas. Now, that's pretty harsh and direct, 431 00:25:54,800 --> 00:25:58,760 Speaker 1: but sometimes it's needed, and I wouldn't discount it because 432 00:25:58,800 --> 00:26:02,480 Speaker 1: you're scared of a tough comment. What you should be considering, though, 433 00:26:02,760 --> 00:26:05,720 Speaker 1: is are you the right person? Is it the right time, 434 00:26:06,200 --> 00:26:08,600 Speaker 1: and is it the right moment? How can you not 435 00:26:08,720 --> 00:26:12,359 Speaker 1: come across as if you're accusing them, but actually raising 436 00:26:12,359 --> 00:26:14,720 Speaker 1: it to help them. I think that's key in tone. 437 00:26:14,720 --> 00:26:16,320 Speaker 1: If you say you do this and you do that, 438 00:26:16,680 --> 00:26:19,760 Speaker 1: it's different from saying have you seen or recognized that 439 00:26:19,840 --> 00:26:22,160 Speaker 1: there are a few people feeling this way? Speak about 440 00:26:22,200 --> 00:26:26,040 Speaker 1: other people's feelings, not your feelings or not your not 441 00:26:26,240 --> 00:26:30,000 Speaker 1: them as the problem, but they're being certain patterns and 442 00:26:30,119 --> 00:26:33,520 Speaker 1: habits that need to be changed. Thank you so much 443 00:26:33,520 --> 00:26:36,800 Speaker 1: for listening to today. I hope you enjoyed today's episode. 444 00:26:37,080 --> 00:26:39,040 Speaker 1: I look forward to you joining me again soon and 445 00:26:39,080 --> 00:26:40,960 Speaker 1: pass this one on to a friend or a family 446 00:26:40,960 --> 00:26:43,720 Speaker 1: member who may need it right now. If you love 447 00:26:43,760 --> 00:26:47,480 Speaker 1: this episode, you'll love my interview with Dr Gabor Matte 448 00:26:47,920 --> 00:26:52,080 Speaker 1: on understanding your trauma and how to heal emotional wounds 449 00:26:52,359 --> 00:26:55,399 Speaker 1: to start moving on from the past. Everything in nature 450 00:26:55,440 --> 00:26:58,200 Speaker 1: grows only where it's vulnerable. So a tree doesn't go 451 00:26:58,320 --> 00:27:01,000 Speaker 1: over it's hard and thif does it. It were soft and 452 00:27:01,080 --> 00:27:02,120 Speaker 1: green and vulnerable.