WEBVTT - Thursday Therapy: Why We Stay and When To Leave 0:00:01.920 --> 0:00:05.399 Wind Down with Janet Kramer and I'm Heart Radio Podcast. 0:00:07.440 --> 0:00:10.520 This week's Thursday Therapy, We've got Stephanie qail on. She's 0:00:10.560 --> 0:00:13.080 a Nashville recording artist, but she has a book out. 0:00:13.200 --> 0:00:16.400 It's called Why Do We Stay? How My Toxic Relationship 0:00:16.440 --> 0:00:17.639 can help you find freedom? 0:00:18.040 --> 0:00:22.040 We all need that. Let's get her on, Stephanie. Am. 0:00:22.079 --> 0:00:23.400 I cannot believe we're doing this. 0:00:23.760 --> 0:00:25.200 I literally was. 0:00:25.320 --> 0:00:27.880 I was so excited when I saw the rundown because 0:00:28.400 --> 0:00:30.040 we have not chatted in a very long time. We 0:00:30.120 --> 0:00:33.120 first and foremost, this is my niece Avas. She's joining today. 0:00:33.320 --> 0:00:34.960 She's seventeen years old today. 0:00:35.520 --> 0:00:37.720 Oh wow, so yes, i'd be birthday. 0:00:38.200 --> 0:00:40.839 So and I'm excited because your your book and everything 0:00:40.840 --> 0:00:43.040 I think is going to be good for seventeen year 0:00:43.080 --> 0:00:44.440 old years as well. 0:00:44.720 --> 0:00:47.640 So much Janet that I had no idea. I really 0:00:47.640 --> 0:00:51.360 thought it was for like us who have been in it. Yeah, 0:00:51.400 --> 0:00:54.360 and on the other side, And never in my life 0:00:54.400 --> 0:00:57.040 have I been so sure that every seventeen year old 0:00:57.040 --> 0:00:57.360 needs this. 0:00:58.240 --> 0:00:59.960 One thousand percent. And me it's a book that I 0:01:00.000 --> 0:01:03.680 I wish I would have read them too. But okay, 0:01:03.800 --> 0:01:06.160 so a few things, so I saw you was it 0:01:06.240 --> 0:01:07.119 the CMT carpet. 0:01:07.200 --> 0:01:11.039 Was that the dress? Okay? So I even this. 0:01:10.959 --> 0:01:12.559 Is even before I knew you were coming on the show, 0:01:13.200 --> 0:01:14.880 because I had just found out a couple of days ago, 0:01:15.080 --> 0:01:17.200 and because I only looked like a few days before 0:01:17.319 --> 0:01:19.560 I thought that was coming on. But I remember you 0:01:19.600 --> 0:01:22.080 were on the carpet and I was like a love 0:01:22.240 --> 0:01:25.480 loved it, genius loved that you know your dress or 0:01:25.560 --> 0:01:26.840 was it? Because I mean it was the dress, it 0:01:26.840 --> 0:01:27.640 was the handbag. 0:01:28.280 --> 0:01:33.319 Yes, we had the do you know Rachel deeb remind me? 0:01:33.720 --> 0:01:36.600 But she does a lot of like BTSs for different artists, 0:01:36.600 --> 0:01:39.200 and she's a she paints, she did carry Underwood's jacket 0:01:39.319 --> 0:01:41.840 that she won tour like. She's just super talented, but 0:01:41.920 --> 0:01:45.120 never kind of front of camera. And so when I 0:01:45.120 --> 0:01:46.600 asked her, I was like, is there any chance you 0:01:46.600 --> 0:01:49.440 would paint the cover of this book onto a dress? 0:01:49.440 --> 0:01:51.240 Because how do you talk about a book with thirty 0:01:51.280 --> 0:01:52.440 second snippets? Right? 0:01:52.560 --> 0:01:52.840 Sure? 0:01:53.280 --> 0:01:56.000 So I'm like, oh, this will work, and she was willing. 0:01:56.760 --> 0:01:57.520 So it just worked. 0:01:57.560 --> 0:01:59.800 And then I took the book cover like the outside 0:02:00.320 --> 0:02:02.920 and just put it over the top of cardboard and 0:02:02.960 --> 0:02:04.960 then put like a little bag on the inside. 0:02:05.040 --> 0:02:07.840 Sewed it to it and just crossed my fingers. 0:02:08.400 --> 0:02:12.240 Yeah. No, I mean it looks great because honestly, of 0:02:12.280 --> 0:02:15.200 all the dress, of all the dresses that night, it's 0:02:15.240 --> 0:02:17.119 so it was so genius because I'm like, I only 0:02:17.160 --> 0:02:17.880 remember yours. 0:02:18.320 --> 0:02:18.720 Wow. 0:02:19.280 --> 0:02:19.640 Yeah. 0:02:19.680 --> 0:02:21.680 So and then so there's that. But then as I'm 0:02:21.680 --> 0:02:24.280 reading the breakdown of you know, the book and everything, 0:02:24.280 --> 0:02:27.480 I'm like, is this about your the husband that I met? 0:02:28.240 --> 0:02:28.480 No? 0:02:28.960 --> 0:02:29.880 Okay, because then I was. 0:02:29.840 --> 0:02:33.359 Like, oh no, yeah, no, he is he's solid, he's wonderful. 0:02:33.440 --> 0:02:37.120 We're together now ten years, almost married, nine these this 0:02:37.160 --> 0:02:38.160 is my prequel. 0:02:39.080 --> 0:02:39.480 Okay. 0:02:39.600 --> 0:02:43.000 So it was the man before this that that did you, 0:02:43.600 --> 0:02:45.600 the two before that did your wrong board. 0:02:45.880 --> 0:02:49.320 Yeah, one died in a plane crash, and then the 0:02:49.360 --> 0:02:50.560 other one I was able to leave. 0:02:50.880 --> 0:02:53.680 Oh wow yeah yeah. 0:02:53.720 --> 0:02:58.680 How is that talking about someone that went that Oh yeah, 0:02:58.720 --> 0:03:01.000 but that also so die in such a tragic way 0:03:01.160 --> 0:03:02.560 but also was not good to you. 0:03:03.480 --> 0:03:05.960 It's uh, well, I've come full circle now, right. I 0:03:06.080 --> 0:03:09.720 found empathy and compassion because at the end of the day, 0:03:09.919 --> 0:03:13.440 whatever happened in his life is how he became the 0:03:13.480 --> 0:03:14.679 man he became right. 0:03:14.840 --> 0:03:15.080 Right. 0:03:15.760 --> 0:03:19.480 He was also the father of this precious little girl. 0:03:19.560 --> 0:03:20.919 That has been a part of my life since she 0:03:21.000 --> 0:03:23.960 was six or seven, and now she is twenty eight 0:03:24.040 --> 0:03:26.920 years old, and I just went to her wedding, you know, 0:03:27.040 --> 0:03:31.240 which was just really just beautiful and precious. And so 0:03:31.360 --> 0:03:35.400 I'm in a healed, forgiven place, and I'm able to forgive, 0:03:35.960 --> 0:03:39.080 you know, And that's and forgive myself, mainly because that's 0:03:39.240 --> 0:03:41.640 really the person I've wrestled with the hardest. 0:03:42.680 --> 0:03:46.080 So I guess the question then, is why do we stay? 0:03:46.120 --> 0:03:48.040 What was your reason? Because I know my reasons for 0:03:48.080 --> 0:03:50.600 staying in our relationships. I'm sure Ava has her reasons 0:03:50.640 --> 0:03:53.880 why she stays in bad relationships, but and I love it, 0:03:53.960 --> 0:03:56.680 Like what what do you think is like your why? 0:03:56.840 --> 0:03:58.400 Why do why do we stay? 0:03:58.440 --> 0:04:00.000 I mean again, I think for me, if I could 0:04:00.200 --> 0:04:03.360 call it out, it's like, I love the security and 0:04:03.640 --> 0:04:05.720 of having a relationship, whether it was good, bad, or 0:04:06.120 --> 0:04:08.640 you know it for some reason, it was just it 0:04:08.680 --> 0:04:09.680 was better than being alone. 0:04:09.720 --> 0:04:10.800 I didn't like to be alone. 0:04:11.080 --> 0:04:15.080 Yeah, well, I absolutely relate with that. I think for me, 0:04:15.200 --> 0:04:21.000 I thought that the potential outweighed the risk of what 0:04:21.160 --> 0:04:25.479 was in front of me. I am really good at potentializing, 0:04:26.040 --> 0:04:31.560 and I just saw what could be versus what was 0:04:32.600 --> 0:04:34.840 So I looked at it like, well, if I keep 0:04:34.880 --> 0:04:39.120 getting better, maybe i'll be enough and that will create 0:04:39.200 --> 0:04:43.520 the change to make this person not treat me the 0:04:43.560 --> 0:04:44.359 way they're treating me. 0:04:44.800 --> 0:04:47.680 But I also think it's a mind twist. So I 0:04:47.960 --> 0:04:49.440 hear you on that, But I also think it's the 0:04:49.440 --> 0:04:53.200 guy because you know, for my ex he'd always be like, 0:04:53.200 --> 0:04:55.520 I'll never do it again, It'll never happen again. So 0:04:55.760 --> 0:04:59.720 it's off of their you say, because of their broken promises. 0:05:00.160 --> 0:05:02.440 He hooked line and sinkred, you know what I mean? Like, 0:05:03.279 --> 0:05:04.600 how many times has a guy been like, oh, I 0:05:04.640 --> 0:05:06.600 won't do that again and You're like, Okay, well I 0:05:06.640 --> 0:05:09.479 guess I'm going to try to believe him, you know right? 0:05:10.080 --> 0:05:10.560 Yeah? 0:05:10.960 --> 0:05:13.520 Ava, is this resonating with you? 0:05:15.400 --> 0:05:16.239 Yeah? 0:05:16.320 --> 0:05:19.800 So, in the instance of his name's Paula, the guy 0:05:19.839 --> 0:05:22.240 that died in the plane crash, I didn't know he 0:05:22.320 --> 0:05:26.440 was cheating. So he died on a Wednesday, and five 0:05:26.520 --> 0:05:29.440 days later at the memorial service that we had at 0:05:29.480 --> 0:05:32.599 the airport, is when I learned of these other women. 0:05:32.720 --> 0:05:34.520 And then I got it confirmed that night. 0:05:34.600 --> 0:05:39.080 So I had five days of quasi grief and then 0:05:39.160 --> 0:05:41.840 it was straight to everything's a lie. 0:05:42.600 --> 0:05:45.560 How did I miss this so much? 0:05:45.600 --> 0:05:50.320 Shame, guilt, all the things, and this realization that my 0:05:50.600 --> 0:05:56.040 whole relationship with him, it was all it was, everything 0:05:56.360 --> 0:05:56.840 was a lie. 0:05:57.680 --> 0:06:01.400 And so then it was the like how to wrap 0:06:01.440 --> 0:06:02.360 my brain around that? 0:06:02.600 --> 0:06:02.839 You know? 0:06:03.560 --> 0:06:06.800 And he every time I would question him, it was 0:06:06.880 --> 0:06:10.480 met with you're so insecure, you're so crazy. 0:06:11.160 --> 0:06:13.039 And he would only call me by my last name. 0:06:14.320 --> 0:06:15.160 Oh that's interesting. 0:06:15.560 --> 0:06:18.200 Yeah, I've wondered if that was a way to make 0:06:18.240 --> 0:06:20.400 sure that he didn't accidentally call me one of the 0:06:20.440 --> 0:06:21.680 other women's names. 0:06:22.279 --> 0:06:25.440 I think, oh, well, there you have it. There's that's 0:06:25.480 --> 0:06:30.279 interesting theory. I get really I don't want to say triggered, 0:06:30.320 --> 0:06:33.200 but I get really frustrated when I hear a guy say, oh, 0:06:33.200 --> 0:06:36.640 she was crazy, because I'm like, that's the first thing 0:06:36.680 --> 0:06:38.760 a guy goes to is she's crazy, And it's like, well, 0:06:38.760 --> 0:06:42.000 what did you do to make her feel crazy? And 0:06:42.160 --> 0:06:44.640 I'm not saying, like all guys do things, Like I 0:06:44.720 --> 0:06:49.720 understand I have been quote unquote crazy when a guy 0:06:49.760 --> 0:06:51.520 hasn't given me a read his reason too, because I 0:06:51.560 --> 0:06:54.640 had my own stuff that I hadn't worked on or done. 0:06:55.000 --> 0:06:59.080 Totally fine, I accept that, but most times I think 0:06:59.600 --> 0:07:03.960 that were labeled crazy, but they forget to say, oh, yeah, 0:07:04.000 --> 0:07:06.400 it's because I lied about that one time, or because 0:07:06.440 --> 0:07:09.520 I you know, was accidentally talking to an ext girl, 0:07:09.680 --> 0:07:11.120 or you know what I mean. It's things that like 0:07:12.000 --> 0:07:14.320 they maybe didn't tell us, so of course we're then 0:07:14.400 --> 0:07:17.040 going to go, all right, this is now alarming to us, 0:07:17.080 --> 0:07:19.239 and we might act a little quote unquote crazy. 0:07:19.640 --> 0:07:23.640 Oh yeah, it's the most dismissive word I think that 0:07:23.720 --> 0:07:25.440 anyone can use about someone else. 0:07:25.720 --> 0:07:30.440 I've actually stopped male members of my family when they 0:07:30.480 --> 0:07:32.760 describe others that way, and I'm like, wait, time out. 0:07:33.120 --> 0:07:35.040 I just want to share with you the power of 0:07:35.080 --> 0:07:35.559 this word. 0:07:36.320 --> 0:07:39.240 And is this person in the mental institution when you're 0:07:39.280 --> 0:07:42.920 referring to them as crazy or is there I mean 0:07:42.960 --> 0:07:44.480 I can go like full itt. 0:07:44.520 --> 0:07:46.640 Well no, because we've all gone through things too, and 0:07:46.680 --> 0:07:48.720 I think that's like, I mean, I know that I'm 0:07:48.760 --> 0:07:53.240 labeled as in someone's past like oh she's crazy, and 0:07:53.320 --> 0:07:58.080 like yeah, I A probably was right, and like where's 0:07:58.080 --> 0:08:00.200 the empathy for people that do go through things and 0:08:00.240 --> 0:08:02.480 work through things, and like we're able to have a 0:08:02.560 --> 0:08:06.240 crazy moment and also be able to to you know, 0:08:06.480 --> 0:08:09.840 detour rite and go all right, now I've worked on 0:08:09.840 --> 0:08:12.320 my stuf or continuing to like heal and work and 0:08:12.360 --> 0:08:15.200 grow like and not just continue to be like labeled 0:08:15.200 --> 0:08:15.880 the crazy girl. 0:08:16.120 --> 0:08:18.520 So I think too, you know, being able to say 0:08:18.640 --> 0:08:24.400 you're acting like something versus you are something, right, because 0:08:24.400 --> 0:08:28.520 that's it was never you're acting crazy, it was you 0:08:28.880 --> 0:08:33.200 are crazy. And both of those relationships so you know, 0:08:33.240 --> 0:08:36.160 the one that passed away tragically, and then the following 0:08:36.200 --> 0:08:43.640 one was so fascinatingly good with lying that it made 0:08:43.720 --> 0:08:47.560 me feel crazy because I was going but wait, I 0:08:47.640 --> 0:08:50.480 was in the same room when you lied, and now 0:08:50.640 --> 0:08:54.360 questioning myself like what is happening? And it will make 0:08:54.400 --> 0:08:56.280 you start to believe it. 0:08:56.280 --> 0:08:59.760 It's so true. I mean I had to post a 0:08:59.840 --> 0:09:01.520 war I had a relationship like that. But I'm like, 0:09:01.559 --> 0:09:04.280 but wait, I'm like I had to write things out 0:09:04.320 --> 0:09:07.600 to go am I freaking nuts? Or or did X, 0:09:07.720 --> 0:09:10.040 Y and Z actually happen? And I'm like, yes it did. 0:09:10.520 --> 0:09:14.240 But they the way that the certain men are able 0:09:14.280 --> 0:09:17.080 to twist it to make you feel insane, I'm like, 0:09:17.200 --> 0:09:20.320 holy crap, and you can't see it then you know, 0:09:20.360 --> 0:09:22.640 like you can. I it took me two years to 0:09:22.679 --> 0:09:25.480 go oh wait a minute, Like, no, he was twisting 0:09:25.520 --> 0:09:29.120 it all because I'm like, here's black and white, one's right, 0:09:29.160 --> 0:09:30.760 one's wrong, you know what I mean. Like, and he 0:09:30.960 --> 0:09:34.960 was totally twisting it all. And it's so like when 0:09:35.000 --> 0:09:37.400 you when you're able to like unveil all of that 0:09:37.520 --> 0:09:40.720 and go wow, but then look back and go. I 0:09:40.880 --> 0:09:43.440 was also so like, but I'm sorry and I didn't 0:09:43.440 --> 0:09:46.439 mean to, but take me back. And that piece that 0:09:46.559 --> 0:09:49.880 is like just makes me sad too. For the unhealed 0:09:49.920 --> 0:09:53.840 girl going, man, you didn't you you did see it, 0:09:53.880 --> 0:09:57.200 but they made you feel like you were nuts completely. 0:09:57.480 --> 0:09:59.959 I mean I had to take a lot of showers 0:10:00.600 --> 0:10:02.320 as I was writing the book, you know. 0:10:02.280 --> 0:10:04.760 And because as you know, you like you get to 0:10:04.920 --> 0:10:07.600 your core. Writing is totally different. 0:10:07.600 --> 0:10:09.840 We can do these little micro moments of emotion, but 0:10:10.000 --> 0:10:11.120 with the book, it was like. 0:10:12.840 --> 0:10:14.840 I gotta go, I gotta go take a shower. 0:10:27.760 --> 0:10:29.959 So the last guy, what were the things that he 0:10:30.040 --> 0:10:32.160 did that were the biggest red flags for you? 0:10:32.520 --> 0:10:34.240 And then why you stayed? 0:10:34.760 --> 0:10:38.480 Yeah, So the first thing was I didn't do the 0:10:38.520 --> 0:10:41.240 work in between. And I really want to specify that 0:10:41.320 --> 0:10:42.559 I didn't go to grief counseling. 0:10:42.640 --> 0:10:43.800 I didn't do the therapy. 0:10:44.000 --> 0:10:47.880 I just you know, went into I will get over it, 0:10:48.000 --> 0:10:51.120 I will move on, I will fix me. 0:10:52.440 --> 0:10:54.760 So I'm still so vulnerable. And the first thing he 0:10:54.880 --> 0:10:55.480 said to me. 0:10:57.080 --> 0:10:59.520 Was I'm gonna when he was, you know, showing interest 0:10:59.600 --> 0:11:02.160 in all those things, it was, I'm going to show 0:11:02.240 --> 0:11:03.320 you that you can. 0:11:03.240 --> 0:11:04.040 Trust men again. 0:11:04.800 --> 0:11:05.400 Oh my god. 0:11:05.720 --> 0:11:09.360 Yep, God see doesn't just irritated you didn't even hear. 0:11:09.880 --> 0:11:13.160 And yet in the moment, I was like, wow, like 0:11:13.960 --> 0:11:16.560 is he is? He? Is he going to? 0:11:16.760 --> 0:11:17.000 You know? 0:11:18.280 --> 0:11:18.920 So true? 0:11:19.600 --> 0:11:22.320 I had that one guy the same, the same dude 0:11:22.320 --> 0:11:25.240 that was very gas light. He was like, I don't 0:11:25.240 --> 0:11:27.080 want you to ever rear makeup around me, because I 0:11:27.120 --> 0:11:29.160 want you to know like how beautiful you are without 0:11:29.200 --> 0:11:31.000 all this stuff. He's like, take it all off, like 0:11:31.120 --> 0:11:33.520 take off the rings and the bracelets and the like 0:11:33.559 --> 0:11:35.400 the makeup. And he's like, and just stay like that 0:11:35.480 --> 0:11:38.840 because because you He's like, that's how you're beautiful. 0:11:38.920 --> 0:11:39.439 And I'm like. 0:11:39.600 --> 0:11:44.079 What, Also, where do they go to school for this? 0:11:45.280 --> 0:11:47.600 But it made me feel so beautiful in that moment, 0:11:47.640 --> 0:11:48.920 And then I was like, wait a minute, it was 0:11:49.160 --> 0:11:50.000 just a line. 0:11:50.280 --> 0:11:52.479 It's just so interesting. 0:11:52.640 --> 0:11:56.440 I don't know where they go mm hmm to like 0:11:57.720 --> 0:12:03.000 get this intel on how to manipulate, and it's pro level. 0:12:03.080 --> 0:12:05.000 And I think the one thing, you know, as I'm 0:12:05.440 --> 0:12:09.000 thinking about you, Ava seventeen, and I have a niece 0:12:09.160 --> 0:12:12.640 named Ava too, So that just makes me just love 0:12:12.679 --> 0:12:18.880 you even more is you know, we're just not taught, 0:12:19.760 --> 0:12:23.480 we're not taught to what to look out for. And 0:12:23.559 --> 0:12:25.760 so I just I'm so proud that you have this 0:12:25.840 --> 0:12:30.440 space to have these conversations. And also that Ava, you're 0:12:30.440 --> 0:12:33.240 going to be set because you're going to have You're 0:12:33.280 --> 0:12:37.520 gonna be armed to where they others can't use this 0:12:37.559 --> 0:12:40.880 against you, you know, And that's the potency of just 0:12:40.920 --> 0:12:41.640 the conversation. 0:12:42.200 --> 0:12:46.520 I didn't have any access. I didn't know even where 0:12:46.559 --> 0:12:48.360 to look. I didn't even know what gas lighting was, 0:12:49.080 --> 0:12:49.880 like none of that. 0:12:50.960 --> 0:12:54.160 I still feel like though even though they this generation 0:12:54.360 --> 0:12:57.760 has all the stuff, yeah, girls still fall in the 0:12:57.800 --> 0:13:00.240 same category. Like I feel like we still have to 0:13:00.240 --> 0:13:02.280 have the same conversations that we'd have no matter what, 0:13:02.480 --> 0:13:04.800 Like Ava, you don't deserve that, you deserve better, Like 0:13:04.840 --> 0:13:06.720 if a guy isn't showing up for you and isn't 0:13:06.720 --> 0:13:09.520 doing what he says, like you shouldn't like stop, like, 0:13:09.600 --> 0:13:12.520 stop stop liking that kind of person, like he's he's 0:13:12.600 --> 0:13:13.480 not the right dude. 0:13:13.520 --> 0:13:13.720 You know. 0:13:13.800 --> 0:13:16.920 But but you know, at seventeen, it's like we think, 0:13:17.160 --> 0:13:19.439 and then or thirty and then forty, it's like this 0:13:19.520 --> 0:13:21.480 is the same kind of thing. It's like, I don't think. 0:13:21.520 --> 0:13:24.880 I think girls just we fall into that that the 0:13:25.040 --> 0:13:27.800 role in the game of it all. I don't know, 0:13:27.840 --> 0:13:29.440 I mean, does that does that make sense? Because it's 0:13:29.440 --> 0:13:31.080 like I could tell you till I'm blue in the face, 0:13:31.160 --> 0:13:33.480 like that one guy, I'm like, Ava, stop like he's 0:13:33.559 --> 0:13:35.640 not a good dude. He's not That's not how a 0:13:35.640 --> 0:13:38.480 guy should treat a girl, especially when you were sixteen. 0:13:38.600 --> 0:13:38.800 You know. 0:13:40.520 --> 0:13:43.679 No, but this is default. This is what we do. 0:13:43.720 --> 0:13:45.400 This is what we all do. It starts so young. 0:13:45.840 --> 0:13:49.040 I have found through this process and Jane, I don't know. 0:13:49.120 --> 0:13:51.360 I mean, you got your babies, You're precious. I mean, 0:13:51.440 --> 0:13:57.040 like you're surrounded with so much love. And I find 0:13:57.080 --> 0:14:00.880 that now that I'm really owning and loving myself for 0:14:01.000 --> 0:14:03.720 all my stuff, I can be alone. 0:14:04.240 --> 0:14:06.640 Yes, I can be alone in a way I could 0:14:06.720 --> 0:14:07.920 never be alone before. 0:14:08.720 --> 0:14:11.480 And so relate to what you're saying, because it is 0:14:11.559 --> 0:14:13.920 it just like I don't want to be alone, and 0:14:13.960 --> 0:14:15.640 I think that's what we have to encourage others. 0:14:15.720 --> 0:14:18.840 You've got to be good with being just alone and 0:14:18.880 --> 0:14:21.400 then people won't take advantage of us. 0:14:21.760 --> 0:14:24.040 I had to be forced alone to be okay with 0:14:24.120 --> 0:14:26.560 being alone, you know, like when I went through my 0:14:26.600 --> 0:14:28.480 divorce and like I had no other choice, and then 0:14:28.520 --> 0:14:33.040 when the dating world was just realizing that I had 0:14:33.080 --> 0:14:36.320 to be alone, I literally was like that moment where 0:14:36.360 --> 0:14:38.400 I was like, I have no other choice, but I 0:14:38.480 --> 0:14:40.400 but I need to be alone so I can figure 0:14:40.440 --> 0:14:42.880 this out. And then now it's like, you know, you're 0:14:42.920 --> 0:14:44.960 in a happy relationship now, and you see the difference 0:14:45.000 --> 0:14:49.000 between what you had versus now you know what you're experiencing, 0:14:49.040 --> 0:14:54.160 and that the difference is is because we were able 0:14:54.200 --> 0:14:58.240 to have that moment alone and work on our stuff 0:14:58.280 --> 0:15:01.560 and be in that healthy space. Because now I'm like, oh, 0:15:01.640 --> 0:15:03.240 I wish I could go back to her age now 0:15:03.280 --> 0:15:06.120 and just be alone forever until I'm like thirty five, 0:15:06.240 --> 0:15:09.320 and just like, and I'm the pickiest human because you're 0:15:09.360 --> 0:15:12.560 gonna find you're gonna meet your person, right, But I 0:15:12.600 --> 0:15:15.800 wish I was so much pickier along the way and didn't. 0:15:15.880 --> 0:15:17.280 But I mean you got to go through the heartbreak. 0:15:17.280 --> 0:15:19.120 I get that, and you learn and that's how you 0:15:19.160 --> 0:15:20.680 continue to grow and be a better person. 0:15:21.360 --> 0:15:22.040 I get all that. 0:15:22.160 --> 0:15:25.720 But still it's you know, it's why we write, It's 0:15:25.720 --> 0:15:28.280 why you write the books, right, So I mean, what 0:15:28.360 --> 0:15:31.040 are some of the tips that you given the book, 0:15:31.120 --> 0:15:35.960 like for because I'm sure you wrote it with Campbell, Yeah. 0:15:35.440 --> 0:15:39.200 Expert in narcissism, he was writing about narcissism fifteen years ago. 0:15:39.520 --> 0:15:42.120 I like the very beginning, well not the beginning of 0:15:42.120 --> 0:15:44.680 the conversation, it's been around forever, but really giving it 0:15:44.800 --> 0:15:49.080 the real world terminology. Sure, I think for me now, 0:15:51.360 --> 0:15:53.640 some of the flags are you know, if it doesn't 0:15:53.800 --> 0:15:56.280 sound right and it doesn't feel right, and if your 0:15:56.400 --> 0:15:58.080 gut senses something in your. 0:15:57.960 --> 0:16:02.040 Head cocks sideways, you know, so many times that'll happen. 0:16:02.360 --> 0:16:07.880 I don't. I don't question myself, right, That's I used to. 0:16:08.120 --> 0:16:11.200 I used to override my intuition and my gut and 0:16:11.320 --> 0:16:16.200 every time it was unfortunately confirmed that I wasn't misleading myself. 0:16:16.640 --> 0:16:19.920 But I would override that. So I think that's super important, right. 0:16:20.400 --> 0:16:23.680 And also when people show us who they are, we 0:16:23.800 --> 0:16:24.920 need to believe them. 0:16:26.280 --> 0:16:26.600 M hm. 0:16:28.120 --> 0:16:31.960 There I mean, we're humans are very revealing off the bat. 0:16:32.880 --> 0:16:35.840 They can say all the things that we want to hear, 0:16:35.920 --> 0:16:39.600 but their actions, right yeah, are so powerful. 0:16:39.920 --> 0:16:41.920 That's what I tell people now when they ask me, like, 0:16:41.960 --> 0:16:43.920 what's the difference, and how do you trust Alan, I'm like, 0:16:44.160 --> 0:16:48.960 I've I've never I mean not even a second, have 0:16:49.040 --> 0:16:52.480 I not trusted that human because he is constantly doing 0:16:52.520 --> 0:16:54.560 what he says and says what he does, like, I mean, 0:16:54.880 --> 0:16:58.440 there is not I mean, he would be the greatest 0:16:58.520 --> 0:17:01.720 mastermind ever if some thing ever happened, because and I 0:17:01.760 --> 0:17:04.919 would just be like I you know, because he is uncle. 0:17:05.200 --> 0:17:06.800 At that point, You're just like, I guess at. 0:17:06.680 --> 0:17:08.600 That point, I'm like, I'll go lesbian, you know what 0:17:08.600 --> 0:17:12.119 I mean. I mean I wouldn't, but I would. I 0:17:12.160 --> 0:17:14.159 would be a okay being alone, but I would just 0:17:14.200 --> 0:17:17.720 be like, well done, you know, because that's just I mean, 0:17:17.800 --> 0:17:22.240 how he's so respectful, he's so like how he loves 0:17:22.280 --> 0:17:25.520 and supports and I'm like, unlike anything I've ever experienced before. 0:17:25.600 --> 0:17:27.520 So that's why I'm like, I trust him because he 0:17:27.520 --> 0:17:29.240 has not given me a reason to not trust him. 0:17:29.640 --> 0:17:31.320 Same I so relate to that. 0:17:31.440 --> 0:17:36.760 David is there's no drama, yes, just like solid, even keeled, 0:17:37.200 --> 0:17:39.840 and I'm just like this. 0:17:39.520 --> 0:17:41.760 This is how it's this is what healthy feels like. 0:17:41.800 --> 0:17:44.840 But I think when I was so, I'm so familiar 0:17:44.880 --> 0:17:48.399 with unhealthy that it feels awkward at first. 0:17:48.720 --> 0:17:51.399 Why do you think you allowed that into your life? 0:17:51.400 --> 0:17:54.800 Like where do you think in your past that you went, Okay, 0:17:55.000 --> 0:17:57.760 this is this is how it's supposed to feel. 0:17:58.640 --> 0:17:59.840 M gosh. 0:18:00.280 --> 0:18:03.640 You know, when I think about my boyfriends before Paulo, 0:18:03.920 --> 0:18:08.119 they were just boys, right, They just weren't equipped to 0:18:08.240 --> 0:18:09.560 be in relationships. 0:18:09.840 --> 0:18:14.560 But they weren't bad guys. They just weren't you know, they. 0:18:14.440 --> 0:18:17.479 Were unemployed and you know, lived on my couch, and 0:18:17.920 --> 0:18:22.800 you know, they were just boys. I think with him, 0:18:23.320 --> 0:18:26.960 I think I was so captivated and just taken by him, 0:18:26.960 --> 0:18:29.600 and he was taken by I mean, he was all in. 0:18:30.200 --> 0:18:32.480 I mean when you talk about the word love bombing, 0:18:32.840 --> 0:18:35.440 I didn't know what that was. I was just like, oh, 0:18:35.560 --> 0:18:39.720 all of this is how it's supposed to be. You know, 0:18:39.920 --> 0:18:44.280 I come from you know, divorces and blended family. So 0:18:44.320 --> 0:18:47.240 it's not that I had seen like a perfect relationship, 0:18:48.080 --> 0:18:51.760 but I did often live and fast forward from what 0:18:52.040 --> 0:18:54.280 was going on in my life, I would look to 0:18:54.320 --> 0:18:56.240 the future, and I think that's where I miss so 0:18:56.400 --> 0:18:59.000 many things with Paulo and then who I refer to 0:18:59.080 --> 0:19:02.680 as the Prince as the follow up to the toxic 0:19:03.080 --> 0:19:08.480 toxic patterns, I don't know. I'm still I'm still trying 0:19:08.520 --> 0:19:11.120 to figure out, like how did I. 0:19:10.480 --> 0:19:12.159 Like, was your debt or was it like is it 0:19:12.200 --> 0:19:14.359 was it family dynamic? Was it childhood or was it 0:19:14.520 --> 0:19:15.520 just good. 0:19:16.520 --> 0:19:19.920 Blended divorces all the same stuff that everyone spend through. 0:19:20.760 --> 0:19:24.600 I just think that I was really good at potentializing 0:19:25.080 --> 0:19:27.080 or the word romanticizing, right. 0:19:27.840 --> 0:19:30.800 I always wanted a family, and with him, I got 0:19:30.800 --> 0:19:31.360 the family. 0:19:32.440 --> 0:19:36.280