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Speaker 1: Wind Down with Janet Kramer and I'm Heart Radio Podcast.

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Speaker 2: This week's Thursday Therapy, We've got Stephanie qail on. She's

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Speaker 2: a Nashville recording artist, but she has a book out.

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Speaker 2: It's called Why Do We Stay? How My Toxic Relationship

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Speaker 2: can help you find freedom?

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Speaker 1: We all need that. Let's get her on, Stephanie. Am.

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Speaker 3: I cannot believe we're doing this.

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Speaker 1: I literally was.

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Speaker 2: I was so excited when I saw the rundown because

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Speaker 2: we have not chatted in a very long time. We

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Speaker 2: first and foremost, this is my niece Avas. She's joining today.

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Speaker 2: She's seventeen years old today.

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Speaker 1: Oh wow, so yes, i'd be birthday.

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Speaker 2: So and I'm excited because your your book and everything

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Speaker 2: I think is going to be good for seventeen year

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Speaker 2: old years as well.

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Speaker 4: So much Janet that I had no idea. I really

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Speaker 4: thought it was for like us who have been in it. Yeah,

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Speaker 4: and on the other side, And never in my life

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Speaker 4: have I been so sure that every seventeen year old

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Speaker 4: needs this.

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Speaker 2: One thousand percent. And me it's a book that I

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Speaker 2: I wish I would have read them too. But okay,

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Speaker 2: so a few things, so I saw you was it

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Speaker 2: the CMT carpet.

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Speaker 1: Was that the dress? Okay? So I even this.

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Speaker 2: Is even before I knew you were coming on the show,

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Speaker 2: because I had just found out a couple of days ago,

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Speaker 2: and because I only looked like a few days before

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Speaker 2: I thought that was coming on. But I remember you

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Speaker 2: were on the carpet and I was like a love

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Speaker 2: loved it, genius loved that you know your dress or

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Speaker 2: was it? Because I mean it was the dress, it

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Speaker 2: was the handbag.

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Speaker 3: Yes, we had the do you know Rachel deeb remind me?

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Speaker 4: But she does a lot of like BTSs for different artists,

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Speaker 4: and she's a she paints, she did carry Underwood's jacket

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Speaker 4: that she won tour like. She's just super talented, but

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Speaker 4: never kind of front of camera. And so when I

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Speaker 4: asked her, I was like, is there any chance you

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Speaker 4: would paint the cover of this book onto a dress?

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Speaker 4: Because how do you talk about a book with thirty

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Speaker 4: second snippets? Right?

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Speaker 1: Sure?

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Speaker 3: So I'm like, oh, this will work, and she was willing.

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Speaker 3: So it just worked.

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Speaker 4: And then I took the book cover like the outside

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Speaker 4: and just put it over the top of cardboard and

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Speaker 4: then put like a little bag on the inside.

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Speaker 3: Sewed it to it and just crossed my fingers.

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Speaker 2: Yeah. No, I mean it looks great because honestly, of

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Speaker 2: all the dress, of all the dresses that night, it's

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Speaker 2: so it was so genius because I'm like, I only

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Speaker 2: remember yours.

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Speaker 3: Wow.

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Speaker 1: Yeah.

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Speaker 2: So and then so there's that. But then as I'm

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Speaker 2: reading the breakdown of you know, the book and everything,

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Speaker 2: I'm like, is this about your the husband that I met?

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Speaker 3: No?

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Speaker 1: Okay, because then I was.

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Speaker 3: Like, oh no, yeah, no, he is he's solid, he's wonderful.

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Speaker 4: We're together now ten years, almost married, nine these this

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Speaker 4: is my prequel.

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Speaker 1: Okay.

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Speaker 2: So it was the man before this that that did you,

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Speaker 2: the two before that did your wrong board.

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Speaker 4: Yeah, one died in a plane crash, and then the

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Speaker 4: other one I was able to leave.

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Speaker 1: Oh wow yeah yeah.

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Speaker 2: How is that talking about someone that went that Oh yeah,

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Speaker 2: but that also so die in such a tragic way

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Speaker 2: but also was not good to you.

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Speaker 4: It's uh, well, I've come full circle now, right. I

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Speaker 4: found empathy and compassion because at the end of the day,

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Speaker 4: whatever happened in his life is how he became the

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Speaker 4: man he became right.

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Speaker 2: Right.

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Speaker 3: He was also the father of this precious little girl.

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Speaker 4: That has been a part of my life since she

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Speaker 4: was six or seven, and now she is twenty eight

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Speaker 4: years old, and I just went to her wedding, you know,

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Speaker 4: which was just really just beautiful and precious. And so

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Speaker 4: I'm in a healed, forgiven place, and I'm able to forgive,

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Speaker 4: you know, And that's and forgive myself, mainly because that's

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Speaker 4: really the person I've wrestled with the hardest.

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Speaker 2: So I guess the question then, is why do we stay?

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Speaker 2: What was your reason? Because I know my reasons for

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Speaker 2: staying in our relationships. I'm sure Ava has her reasons

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Speaker 2: why she stays in bad relationships, but and I love it,

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Speaker 2: Like what what do you think is like your why?

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Speaker 1: Why do why do we stay?

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Speaker 2: I mean again, I think for me, if I could

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Speaker 2: call it out, it's like, I love the security and

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Speaker 2: of having a relationship, whether it was good, bad, or

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Speaker 2: you know it for some reason, it was just it

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Speaker 2: was better than being alone.

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Speaker 1: I didn't like to be alone.

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Speaker 4: Yeah, well, I absolutely relate with that. I think for me,

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Speaker 4: I thought that the potential outweighed the risk of what

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Speaker 4: was in front of me. I am really good at potentializing,

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Speaker 4: and I just saw what could be versus what was

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Speaker 4: So I looked at it like, well, if I keep

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Speaker 4: getting better, maybe i'll be enough and that will create

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Speaker 4: the change to make this person not treat me the

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Speaker 4: way they're treating me.

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Speaker 2: But I also think it's a mind twist. So I

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Speaker 2: hear you on that, But I also think it's the

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Speaker 2: guy because you know, for my ex he'd always be like,

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Speaker 2: I'll never do it again, It'll never happen again. So

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Speaker 2: it's off of their you say, because of their broken promises.

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Speaker 2: He hooked line and sinkred, you know what I mean? Like,

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Speaker 2: how many times has a guy been like, oh, I

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Speaker 2: won't do that again and You're like, Okay, well I

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Speaker 2: guess I'm going to try to believe him, you know right?

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Speaker 1: Yeah?

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Speaker 3: Ava, is this resonating with you?

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Speaker 2: Yeah?

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Speaker 4: So, in the instance of his name's Paula, the guy

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Speaker 4: that died in the plane crash, I didn't know he

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Speaker 4: was cheating. So he died on a Wednesday, and five

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Speaker 4: days later at the memorial service that we had at

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Speaker 4: the airport, is when I learned of these other women.

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Speaker 3: And then I got it confirmed that night.

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Speaker 4: So I had five days of quasi grief and then

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Speaker 4: it was straight to everything's a lie.

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Speaker 3: How did I miss this so much?

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Speaker 4: Shame, guilt, all the things, and this realization that my

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Speaker 4: whole relationship with him, it was all it was, everything

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Speaker 4: was a lie.

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Speaker 3: And so then it was the like how to wrap

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Speaker 3: my brain around that?

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Speaker 1: You know?

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Speaker 4: And he every time I would question him, it was

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Speaker 4: met with you're so insecure, you're so crazy.

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Speaker 3: And he would only call me by my last name.

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Speaker 1: Oh that's interesting.

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Speaker 4: Yeah, I've wondered if that was a way to make

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Speaker 4: sure that he didn't accidentally call me one of the

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Speaker 4: other women's names.

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Speaker 2: I think, oh, well, there you have it. There's that's

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Speaker 2: interesting theory. I get really I don't want to say triggered,

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Speaker 2: but I get really frustrated when I hear a guy say, oh,

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Speaker 2: she was crazy, because I'm like, that's the first thing

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Speaker 2: a guy goes to is she's crazy, And it's like, well,

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Speaker 2: what did you do to make her feel crazy? And

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Speaker 2: I'm not saying, like all guys do things, Like I

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Speaker 2: understand I have been quote unquote crazy when a guy

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Speaker 2: hasn't given me a read his reason too, because I

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Speaker 2: had my own stuff that I hadn't worked on or done.

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Speaker 2: Totally fine, I accept that, but most times I think

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Speaker 2: that were labeled crazy, but they forget to say, oh, yeah,

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Speaker 2: it's because I lied about that one time, or because

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Speaker 2: I you know, was accidentally talking to an ext girl,

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Speaker 2: or you know what I mean. It's things that like

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Speaker 2: they maybe didn't tell us, so of course we're then

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Speaker 2: going to go, all right, this is now alarming to us,

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Speaker 2: and we might act a little quote unquote crazy.

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Speaker 3: Oh yeah, it's the most dismissive word I think that

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Speaker 3: anyone can use about someone else.

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Speaker 4: I've actually stopped male members of my family when they

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Speaker 4: describe others that way, and I'm like, wait, time out.

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Speaker 3: I just want to share with you the power of

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Speaker 3: this word.

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Speaker 4: And is this person in the mental institution when you're

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Speaker 4: referring to them as crazy or is there I mean

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Speaker 4: I can go like full itt.

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Speaker 2: Well no, because we've all gone through things too, and

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Speaker 2: I think that's like, I mean, I know that I'm

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Speaker 2: labeled as in someone's past like oh she's crazy, and

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Speaker 2: like yeah, I A probably was right, and like where's

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Speaker 2: the empathy for people that do go through things and

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Speaker 2: work through things, and like we're able to have a

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Speaker 2: crazy moment and also be able to to you know,

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Speaker 2: detour rite and go all right, now I've worked on

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Speaker 2: my stuf or continuing to like heal and work and

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Speaker 2: grow like and not just continue to be like labeled

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Speaker 2: the crazy girl.

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Speaker 4: So I think too, you know, being able to say

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Speaker 4: you're acting like something versus you are something, right, because

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Speaker 4: that's it was never you're acting crazy, it was you

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Speaker 4: are crazy. And both of those relationships so you know,

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Speaker 4: the one that passed away tragically, and then the following

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Speaker 4: one was so fascinatingly good with lying that it made

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Speaker 4: me feel crazy because I was going but wait, I

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Speaker 4: was in the same room when you lied, and now

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Speaker 4: questioning myself like what is happening? And it will make

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Speaker 4: you start to believe it.

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Speaker 2: It's so true. I mean I had to post a

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Speaker 2: war I had a relationship like that. But I'm like,

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Speaker 2: but wait, I'm like I had to write things out

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Speaker 2: to go am I freaking nuts? Or or did X,

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Speaker 2: Y and Z actually happen? And I'm like, yes it did.

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Speaker 2: But they the way that the certain men are able

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Speaker 2: to twist it to make you feel insane, I'm like,

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Speaker 2: holy crap, and you can't see it then you know,

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Speaker 2: like you can. I it took me two years to

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Speaker 2: go oh wait a minute, Like, no, he was twisting

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Speaker 2: it all because I'm like, here's black and white, one's right,

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Speaker 2: one's wrong, you know what I mean. Like, and he

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Speaker 2: was totally twisting it all. And it's so like when

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Speaker 2: you when you're able to like unveil all of that

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Speaker 2: and go wow, but then look back and go. I

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Speaker 2: was also so like, but I'm sorry and I didn't

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Speaker 2: mean to, but take me back. And that piece that

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Speaker 2: is like just makes me sad too. For the unhealed

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Speaker 2: girl going, man, you didn't you you did see it,

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Speaker 2: but they made you feel like you were nuts completely.

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Speaker 4: I mean I had to take a lot of showers

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Speaker 4: as I was writing the book, you know.

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Speaker 3: And because as you know, you like you get to

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Speaker 3: your core. Writing is totally different.

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Speaker 4: We can do these little micro moments of emotion, but

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Speaker 4: with the book, it was like.

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Speaker 3: I gotta go, I gotta go take a shower.

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Speaker 2: So the last guy, what were the things that he

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Speaker 2: did that were the biggest red flags for you?

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Speaker 1: And then why you stayed?

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Speaker 4: Yeah, So the first thing was I didn't do the

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Speaker 4: work in between. And I really want to specify that

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Speaker 4: I didn't go to grief counseling.

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Speaker 3: I didn't do the therapy.

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Speaker 4: I just you know, went into I will get over it,

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Speaker 4: I will move on, I will fix me.

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Speaker 3: So I'm still so vulnerable. And the first thing he

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Speaker 3: said to me.

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Speaker 4: Was I'm gonna when he was, you know, showing interest

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Speaker 4: in all those things, it was, I'm going to show

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Speaker 4: you that you can.

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Speaker 3: Trust men again.

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Speaker 1: Oh my god.

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Speaker 3: Yep, God see doesn't just irritated you didn't even hear.

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Speaker 3: And yet in the moment, I was like, wow, like

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Speaker 3: is he is? He? Is he going to?

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Speaker 4: You know?

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Speaker 1: So true?

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Speaker 2: I had that one guy the same, the same dude

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Speaker 2: that was very gas light. He was like, I don't

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Speaker 2: want you to ever rear makeup around me, because I

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Speaker 2: want you to know like how beautiful you are without

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Speaker 2: all this stuff. He's like, take it all off, like

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Speaker 2: take off the rings and the bracelets and the like

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Speaker 2: the makeup. And he's like, and just stay like that

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Speaker 2: because because you He's like, that's how you're beautiful.

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Speaker 1: And I'm like.

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Speaker 3: What, Also, where do they go to school for this?

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Speaker 2: But it made me feel so beautiful in that moment,

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Speaker 2: And then I was like, wait a minute, it was

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Speaker 2: just a line.

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Speaker 3: It's just so interesting.

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Speaker 4: I don't know where they go mm hmm to like

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Speaker 4: get this intel on how to manipulate, and it's pro level.

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Speaker 4: And I think the one thing, you know, as I'm

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Speaker 4: thinking about you, Ava seventeen, and I have a niece

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Speaker 4: named Ava too, So that just makes me just love

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Speaker 4: you even more is you know, we're just not taught,

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Speaker 4: we're not taught to what to look out for. And

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Speaker 4: so I just I'm so proud that you have this

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Speaker 4: space to have these conversations. And also that Ava, you're

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Speaker 4: going to be set because you're going to have You're

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Speaker 4: gonna be armed to where they others can't use this

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Speaker 4: against you, you know, And that's the potency of just

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Speaker 4: the conversation.

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Speaker 3: I didn't have any access. I didn't know even where

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Speaker 3: to look. I didn't even know what gas lighting was,

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Speaker 3: like none of that.

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Speaker 2: I still feel like though even though they this generation

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Speaker 2: has all the stuff, yeah, girls still fall in the

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Speaker 2: same category. Like I feel like we still have to

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Speaker 2: have the same conversations that we'd have no matter what,

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Speaker 2: Like Ava, you don't deserve that, you deserve better, Like

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Speaker 2: if a guy isn't showing up for you and isn't

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Speaker 2: doing what he says, like you shouldn't like stop, like,

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Speaker 2: stop stop liking that kind of person, like he's he's

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Speaker 2: not the right dude.

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Speaker 3: You know.

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Speaker 2: But but you know, at seventeen, it's like we think,

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Speaker 2: and then or thirty and then forty, it's like this

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Speaker 2: is the same kind of thing. It's like, I don't think.

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Speaker 2: I think girls just we fall into that that the

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Speaker 2: role in the game of it all. I don't know,

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Speaker 2: I mean, does that does that make sense? Because it's

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Speaker 2: like I could tell you till I'm blue in the face,

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Speaker 2: like that one guy, I'm like, Ava, stop like he's

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Speaker 2: not a good dude. He's not That's not how a

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Speaker 2: guy should treat a girl, especially when you were sixteen.

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Speaker 4: You know.

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Speaker 2: No, but this is default. This is what we do.

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Speaker 2: This is what we all do. It starts so young.

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Speaker 4: I have found through this process and Jane, I don't know.

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Speaker 4: I mean, you got your babies, You're precious. I mean,

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Speaker 4: like you're surrounded with so much love. And I find

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Speaker 4: that now that I'm really owning and loving myself for

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Speaker 4: all my stuff, I can be alone.

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Speaker 3: Yes, I can be alone in a way I could

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Speaker 3: never be alone before.

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Speaker 4: And so relate to what you're saying, because it is

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Speaker 4: it just like I don't want to be alone, and

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Speaker 4: I think that's what we have to encourage others.

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Speaker 3: You've got to be good with being just alone and

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Speaker 3: then people won't take advantage of us.

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Speaker 2: I had to be forced alone to be okay with

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Speaker 2: being alone, you know, like when I went through my

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Speaker 2: divorce and like I had no other choice, and then

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Speaker 2: when the dating world was just realizing that I had

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Speaker 2: to be alone, I literally was like that moment where

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Speaker 2: I was like, I have no other choice, but I

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Speaker 2: but I need to be alone so I can figure

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Speaker 2: this out. And then now it's like, you know, you're

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Speaker 2: in a happy relationship now, and you see the difference

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Speaker 2: between what you had versus now you know what you're experiencing,

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Speaker 2: and that the difference is is because we were able

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Speaker 2: to have that moment alone and work on our stuff

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Speaker 2: and be in that healthy space. Because now I'm like, oh,

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Speaker 2: I wish I could go back to her age now

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Speaker 2: and just be alone forever until I'm like thirty five,

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Speaker 2: and just like, and I'm the pickiest human because you're

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Speaker 2: gonna find you're gonna meet your person, right, But I

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Speaker 2: wish I was so much pickier along the way and didn't.

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Speaker 2: But I mean you got to go through the heartbreak.

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Speaker 2: I get that, and you learn and that's how you

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Speaker 2: continue to grow and be a better person.

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Speaker 1: I get all that.

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Speaker 2: But still it's you know, it's why we write, It's

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Speaker 2: why you write the books, right, So I mean, what

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Speaker 2: are some of the tips that you given the book,

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Speaker 2: like for because I'm sure you wrote it with Campbell, Yeah.

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Speaker 4: Expert in narcissism, he was writing about narcissism fifteen years ago.

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Speaker 4: I like the very beginning, well not the beginning of

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Speaker 4: the conversation, it's been around forever, but really giving it

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Speaker 4: the real world terminology. Sure, I think for me now,

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Speaker 4: some of the flags are you know, if it doesn't

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Speaker 4: sound right and it doesn't feel right, and if your

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Speaker 4: gut senses something in your.

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Speaker 3: Head cocks sideways, you know, so many times that'll happen.

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Speaker 3: I don't. I don't question myself, right, That's I used to.

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Speaker 4: I used to override my intuition and my gut and

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Speaker 4: every time it was unfortunately confirmed that I wasn't misleading myself.

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Speaker 4: But I would override that. So I think that's super important, right.

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Speaker 4: And also when people show us who they are, we

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Speaker 4: need to believe them.

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Speaker 1: M hm.

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Speaker 3: There I mean, we're humans are very revealing off the bat.

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Speaker 3: They can say all the things that we want to hear,

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Speaker 3: but their actions, right yeah, are so powerful.

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Speaker 2: That's what I tell people now when they ask me, like,

347
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Speaker 2: what's the difference, and how do you trust Alan, I'm like,

348
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Speaker 2: I've I've never I mean not even a second, have

349
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Speaker 2: I not trusted that human because he is constantly doing

350
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Speaker 2: what he says and says what he does, like, I mean,

351
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Speaker 2: there is not I mean, he would be the greatest

352
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Speaker 2: mastermind ever if some thing ever happened, because and I

353
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Speaker 2: would just be like I you know, because he is uncle.

354
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Speaker 3: At that point, You're just like, I guess at.

355
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Speaker 2: That point, I'm like, I'll go lesbian, you know what

356
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Speaker 2: I mean. I mean I wouldn't, but I would. I

357
00:17:12,160 --> 00:17:14,159
Speaker 2: would be a okay being alone, but I would just

358
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Speaker 2: be like, well done, you know, because that's just I mean,

359
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Speaker 2: how he's so respectful, he's so like how he loves

360
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Speaker 2: and supports and I'm like, unlike anything I've ever experienced before.

361
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Speaker 2: So that's why I'm like, I trust him because he

362
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Speaker 2: has not given me a reason to not trust him.

363
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Speaker 3: Same I so relate to that.

364
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Speaker 4: David is there's no drama, yes, just like solid, even keeled,

365
00:17:37,200 --> 00:17:39,840
Speaker 4: and I'm just like this.

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Speaker 3: This is how it's this is what healthy feels like.

367
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Speaker 4: But I think when I was so, I'm so familiar

368
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Speaker 4: with unhealthy that it feels awkward at first.

369
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Speaker 2: Why do you think you allowed that into your life?

370
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Speaker 2: Like where do you think in your past that you went, Okay,

371
00:17:55,000 --> 00:17:57,760
Speaker 2: this is this is how it's supposed to feel.

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Speaker 3: M gosh.

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Speaker 4: You know, when I think about my boyfriends before Paulo,

374
00:18:03,920 --> 00:18:08,119
Speaker 4: they were just boys, right, They just weren't equipped to

375
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Speaker 4: be in relationships.

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Speaker 3: But they weren't bad guys. They just weren't you know, they.

377
00:18:14,440 --> 00:18:17,479
Speaker 4: Were unemployed and you know, lived on my couch, and

378
00:18:17,920 --> 00:18:22,800
Speaker 4: you know, they were just boys. I think with him,

379
00:18:23,320 --> 00:18:26,960
Speaker 4: I think I was so captivated and just taken by him,

380
00:18:26,960 --> 00:18:29,600
Speaker 4: and he was taken by I mean, he was all in.

381
00:18:30,200 --> 00:18:32,480
Speaker 4: I mean when you talk about the word love bombing,

382
00:18:32,840 --> 00:18:35,440
Speaker 4: I didn't know what that was. I was just like, oh,

383
00:18:35,560 --> 00:18:39,720
Speaker 4: all of this is how it's supposed to be. You know,

384
00:18:39,920 --> 00:18:44,280
Speaker 4: I come from you know, divorces and blended family. So

385
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Speaker 4: it's not that I had seen like a perfect relationship,

386
00:18:48,080 --> 00:18:51,760
Speaker 4: but I did often live and fast forward from what

387
00:18:52,040 --> 00:18:54,280
Speaker 4: was going on in my life, I would look to

388
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Speaker 4: the future, and I think that's where I miss so

389
00:18:56,400 --> 00:18:59,000
Speaker 4: many things with Paulo and then who I refer to

390
00:18:59,080 --> 00:19:02,680
Speaker 4: as the Prince as the follow up to the toxic

391
00:19:03,080 --> 00:19:08,480
Speaker 4: toxic patterns, I don't know. I'm still I'm still trying

392
00:19:08,520 --> 00:19:11,120
Speaker 4: to figure out, like how did I.

393
00:19:10,480 --> 00:19:12,159
Speaker 2: Like, was your debt or was it like is it

394
00:19:12,200 --> 00:19:14,359
Speaker 2: was it family dynamic? Was it childhood or was it

395
00:19:14,520 --> 00:19:15,520
Speaker 2: just good.

396
00:19:16,520 --> 00:19:19,920
Speaker 4: Blended divorces all the same stuff that everyone spend through.

397
00:19:20,760 --> 00:19:24,600
Speaker 4: I just think that I was really good at potentializing

398
00:19:25,080 --> 00:19:27,080
Speaker 4: or the word romanticizing, right.

399
00:19:27,840 --> 00:19:30,800
Speaker 3: I always wanted a family, and with him, I got

400
00:19:30,800 --> 00:19:31,360
Speaker 3: the family.

401
00:19:32,440 --> 00:19:36,280
Speaker 4: I got him and his amazing daughter who's still you know,

402
00:19:36,520 --> 00:19:39,960
Speaker 4: very much before my life, and she's incredible. And you know,

403
00:19:40,080 --> 00:19:44,879
Speaker 4: he he wove a good game. He wielded words really well.

404
00:19:45,840 --> 00:19:48,520
Speaker 4: And then the second one was just you know, I

405
00:19:48,560 --> 00:19:50,680
Speaker 4: mean repeater syndrome for sure.

406
00:20:03,400 --> 00:20:04,520
Speaker 1: How did you get out then?

407
00:20:05,000 --> 00:20:07,240
Speaker 2: Because I think that's another one that I get asked

408
00:20:07,280 --> 00:20:09,359
Speaker 2: a lot, like how did you got I know, my out,

409
00:20:09,400 --> 00:20:11,479
Speaker 2: but like, what did you do with that? Was your

410
00:20:11,560 --> 00:20:13,240
Speaker 2: kind of like aha moment?

411
00:20:14,119 --> 00:20:17,600
Speaker 4: Well, I went to the edge unfortunately in that relationship

412
00:20:17,640 --> 00:20:20,679
Speaker 4: from the standpoint of when I learned that he was

413
00:20:20,960 --> 00:20:23,720
Speaker 4: or he had been accused of cheating on me. I

414
00:20:23,760 --> 00:20:27,520
Speaker 4: didn't go to him saying you did this. I went

415
00:20:27,560 --> 00:20:31,000
Speaker 4: to him saying, you've been accused of this. I can't

416
00:20:31,000 --> 00:20:33,800
Speaker 4: believe I'm here again. I'm tapping out.

417
00:20:34,040 --> 00:20:35,840
Speaker 1: See that is such strength.

418
00:20:36,640 --> 00:20:40,080
Speaker 4: Well, the problem was my way of tapping out was

419
00:20:40,920 --> 00:20:44,560
Speaker 4: drinking a handle of vodka, and so that took me

420
00:20:44,680 --> 00:20:47,760
Speaker 4: to my lowest point, Jana, where I was considering, like,

421
00:20:47,840 --> 00:20:49,639
Speaker 4: how do I get rid of this pain? Because I

422
00:20:49,720 --> 00:20:52,679
Speaker 4: can't I can't hurt like this anymore. And because I

423
00:20:52,720 --> 00:20:56,120
Speaker 4: hadn't done the work, it all had compounded. So then

424
00:20:56,200 --> 00:20:58,920
Speaker 4: that led me into what I call emotional rehab, where

425
00:20:58,920 --> 00:21:01,560
Speaker 4: I went to work with psycho and just get to

426
00:21:01,600 --> 00:21:05,960
Speaker 4: the bottom of me. Because I was the common denominator, right,

427
00:21:06,080 --> 00:21:09,439
Speaker 4: I kept picking and choosing, and I was complicit in

428
00:21:09,440 --> 00:21:12,320
Speaker 4: those relationships because the first one I didn't leave. The

429
00:21:12,440 --> 00:21:14,320
Speaker 4: second one I did leave. But it took me a

430
00:21:14,359 --> 00:21:18,120
Speaker 4: long time. You know, for me, it felt like much

431
00:21:18,160 --> 00:21:22,520
Speaker 4: too long. So after I got back from this, you know,

432
00:21:22,600 --> 00:21:27,919
Speaker 4: emotional rehab of like really understanding identifying how toxic he was,

433
00:21:28,840 --> 00:21:33,600
Speaker 4: I found the girl. I found the girl and you

434
00:21:33,640 --> 00:21:36,640
Speaker 4: know Nashville, so this will crack you up. So evidently

435
00:21:36,680 --> 00:21:41,040
Speaker 4: they had met at redgre and had their interlude, and

436
00:21:41,119 --> 00:21:43,800
Speaker 4: then I found out who she was, and I said, listen,

437
00:21:43,880 --> 00:21:47,840
Speaker 4: I don't I don't mean you any harm, but if

438
00:21:47,880 --> 00:21:50,800
Speaker 4: you will sit down with me and just tell me

439
00:21:50,840 --> 00:21:53,439
Speaker 4: what he said to you, I'll be able to know

440
00:21:53,760 --> 00:21:57,520
Speaker 4: for sure because I'm just vulnerable and I'm fragile, and

441
00:21:57,600 --> 00:22:01,440
Speaker 4: I'm not able to leave him. But if you will

442
00:22:01,440 --> 00:22:04,040
Speaker 4: sit down with me, you will give me like the key.

443
00:22:05,320 --> 00:22:08,160
Speaker 4: And she she finally said yes.

444
00:22:08,560 --> 00:22:12,280
Speaker 2: Did she was it a good I mean, I respect

445
00:22:12,320 --> 00:22:15,680
Speaker 2: the women that I'm saying, Like I talked to some

446
00:22:15,720 --> 00:22:19,959
Speaker 2: of the affair girls, and I respected I was very

447
00:22:20,000 --> 00:22:22,320
Speaker 2: upset with one of them, obviously, like the longtime one,

448
00:22:22,359 --> 00:22:25,760
Speaker 2: like I had a tough conversation, but I respected some

449
00:22:25,840 --> 00:22:28,120
Speaker 2: of the girls that all of them actually that had

450
00:22:28,160 --> 00:22:31,080
Speaker 2: the the balls to have a conversation with me.

451
00:22:31,680 --> 00:22:32,840
Speaker 3: It's yeah, exactly.

452
00:22:32,920 --> 00:22:35,760
Speaker 4: And I just leaned into that because she didn't know

453
00:22:35,920 --> 00:22:39,200
Speaker 4: that he was in a relationship according to her you know, experience,

454
00:22:39,880 --> 00:22:41,879
Speaker 4: and when she was able, you know, when you know

455
00:22:42,040 --> 00:22:44,479
Speaker 4: someone in the way that they speak to you, sure,

456
00:22:44,560 --> 00:22:48,080
Speaker 4: and then someone else says, how the way that he

457
00:22:48,160 --> 00:22:50,800
Speaker 4: spoke to her, that's what did it for me. And

458
00:22:50,840 --> 00:22:53,679
Speaker 4: I was like, Okay, this is this is real and

459
00:22:53,720 --> 00:22:56,639
Speaker 4: this is true. And then leaving took, you know, a

460
00:22:56,680 --> 00:22:58,800
Speaker 4: little bit of strategy because we were living together, so

461
00:22:58,840 --> 00:23:01,320
Speaker 4: it was I waited until he was out of town

462
00:23:01,680 --> 00:23:02,760
Speaker 4: and I packed up all my.

463
00:23:02,760 --> 00:23:05,600
Speaker 3: Stuff and just made the break.

464
00:23:05,640 --> 00:23:08,120
Speaker 4: Because he was so good, he was so good at

465
00:23:08,160 --> 00:23:11,440
Speaker 4: manipulating a line, and he had such good reason for everything.

466
00:23:13,640 --> 00:23:14,359
Speaker 3: It took a lot.

467
00:23:15,119 --> 00:23:17,480
Speaker 1: What would be the thing that you want people to know?

468
00:23:18,280 --> 00:23:24,359
Speaker 3: Hmm, you are your greatest advocate and trust yourself because

469
00:23:24,400 --> 00:23:26,639
Speaker 3: you are rarely going to be wrong.

470
00:23:27,960 --> 00:23:30,040
Speaker 4: And that's the gift that God gives each and every

471
00:23:30,080 --> 00:23:32,640
Speaker 4: one of us. Is this intuition, And the more we

472
00:23:33,000 --> 00:23:35,920
Speaker 4: lean into it and trust it, the more it shows

473
00:23:36,000 --> 00:23:37,359
Speaker 4: up for us. And just I don't know if you

474
00:23:37,359 --> 00:23:38,800
Speaker 4: feel this way, but I feel like it just gets

475
00:23:39,080 --> 00:23:41,280
Speaker 4: stronger and stronger to where you just don't even waste

476
00:23:41,280 --> 00:23:42,159
Speaker 4: your time with people.

477
00:23:42,640 --> 00:23:43,840
Speaker 3: You can just sense it.

478
00:23:43,880 --> 00:23:46,800
Speaker 4: You're like, no, this is not healthy, not healthy for me,

479
00:23:46,840 --> 00:23:49,240
Speaker 4: and I'm going to walk away. And I think that

480
00:23:49,400 --> 00:23:52,240
Speaker 4: we owe it to ourselves to treat ourselves like we

481
00:23:52,320 --> 00:23:56,800
Speaker 4: treat our friends, you know, like we're so good to

482
00:23:57,119 --> 00:23:59,960
Speaker 4: other people, you know. I mean you think about your baby,

483
00:24:00,880 --> 00:24:04,360
Speaker 4: you wouldn't do anything for them?

484
00:24:05,080 --> 00:24:08,479
Speaker 3: And would we do anything for ourselves? You know?

485
00:24:08,760 --> 00:24:10,679
Speaker 4: And that was a big revelation for me, is like

486
00:24:10,800 --> 00:24:14,600
Speaker 4: how much I give to others, but I wouldn't give

487
00:24:14,880 --> 00:24:18,879
Speaker 4: myself the same treatment? Like start with yourself, you know,

488
00:24:19,520 --> 00:24:23,000
Speaker 4: like Ava, when you wake up tomorrow morning, how do

489
00:24:23,200 --> 00:24:26,560
Speaker 4: you feel with no one around, not looking at your phone?

490
00:24:26,920 --> 00:24:28,960
Speaker 4: Like how does Ava feel about Ava?

491
00:24:29,000 --> 00:24:29,400
Speaker 3: Today?

492
00:24:29,800 --> 00:24:32,240
Speaker 4: And start from there, because I think we get such

493
00:24:32,280 --> 00:24:36,080
Speaker 4: an influx of not only social media information, but friends

494
00:24:36,119 --> 00:24:39,719
Speaker 4: and family and expectation and all these things like just

495
00:24:39,880 --> 00:24:42,280
Speaker 4: how do you feel about you? And like that's been

496
00:24:42,320 --> 00:24:45,399
Speaker 4: really a fun discovery, like how does Stephanie feel about

497
00:24:45,400 --> 00:24:46,280
Speaker 4: Stephanie today?

498
00:24:46,520 --> 00:24:49,200
Speaker 3: Like how are we doing? Let's move from that.

499
00:24:49,200 --> 00:24:51,720
Speaker 4: Place, and I think it's just a really healthy, a

500
00:24:51,720 --> 00:24:56,680
Speaker 4: healthier mindset, right, And we have access to really great therapists,

501
00:24:57,000 --> 00:25:01,800
Speaker 4: really great grief counselors, much more affordably than I think

502
00:25:01,880 --> 00:25:02,560
Speaker 4: ever before.

503
00:25:03,119 --> 00:25:04,800
Speaker 3: Seek out the information because it's there.

504
00:25:05,040 --> 00:25:06,480
Speaker 4: I mean, my hope, I don't know Jane if you

505
00:25:06,480 --> 00:25:08,720
Speaker 4: feel this way, but my hope is like people will

506
00:25:08,720 --> 00:25:11,639
Speaker 4: get time back, like I'll never get those what I

507
00:25:11,680 --> 00:25:14,840
Speaker 4: call the lost years back, I'll never get get them back.

508
00:25:15,640 --> 00:25:18,119
Speaker 4: And I feel like I'm probably trying to make up

509
00:25:18,160 --> 00:25:22,560
Speaker 4: for a lot of that, you know, I just stretching

510
00:25:22,600 --> 00:25:26,040
Speaker 4: my days as much as I can and not wasting

511
00:25:26,080 --> 00:25:26,600
Speaker 4: any time.

512
00:25:27,840 --> 00:25:30,240
Speaker 2: Well, and you're, you're, you're doing it all too. I mean,

513
00:25:30,280 --> 00:25:33,320
Speaker 2: you're you have your music career, you know, You're You've

514
00:25:33,320 --> 00:25:35,320
Speaker 2: got the book out, So it's like you're you're juggling

515
00:25:35,320 --> 00:25:38,720
Speaker 2: a lot of things while also doing some hard work.

516
00:25:39,000 --> 00:25:43,760
Speaker 2: Always because I think people that, you know, we're constantly evolving,

517
00:25:43,800 --> 00:25:46,640
Speaker 2: constantly doing the work, constantly having to pivot, Like, you know,

518
00:25:46,680 --> 00:25:48,359
Speaker 2: I learned something new this morning that I could have

519
00:25:48,359 --> 00:25:49,840
Speaker 2: done better, you know, so it's like, all right, I

520
00:25:49,840 --> 00:25:51,400
Speaker 2: still got to kind of work on that a little bit,

521
00:25:51,440 --> 00:25:54,960
Speaker 2: you know. So it's were always we always have to keep,

522
00:25:55,160 --> 00:25:58,880
Speaker 2: you know, recognizing where we need to get better at.

523
00:25:59,119 --> 00:25:59,960
Speaker 3: Yeah, I think that.

524
00:26:01,520 --> 00:26:04,080
Speaker 4: We're never going to stop learning. And I think it's

525
00:26:04,560 --> 00:26:07,240
Speaker 4: what this book has revealed is I have so much

526
00:26:07,280 --> 00:26:10,919
Speaker 4: more to learn about myself and so much more to

527
00:26:11,080 --> 00:26:14,560
Speaker 4: kind of dive into of Just like I love making adjustments,

528
00:26:15,119 --> 00:26:18,399
Speaker 4: I just want to be better, right, that's that's you know.

529
00:26:18,400 --> 00:26:20,080
Speaker 3: I was talking to my stepmom.

530
00:26:19,560 --> 00:26:23,879
Speaker 4: Who she's just just an incredible woman, and she's like, success,

531
00:26:25,280 --> 00:26:28,919
Speaker 4: true success is when you wake up and can go

532
00:26:29,000 --> 00:26:31,960
Speaker 4: to bed liking the person that you are and be

533
00:26:32,119 --> 00:26:34,600
Speaker 4: like this person did a good job today, or you

534
00:26:34,640 --> 00:26:35,880
Speaker 4: know what, I need to make an adjustment.

535
00:26:35,920 --> 00:26:36,920
Speaker 3: I'm gonna be better tomorrow.

536
00:26:37,280 --> 00:26:39,240
Speaker 4: And I think that you know, in this business, we

537
00:26:39,320 --> 00:26:42,800
Speaker 4: have such wild goals for success and what our.

538
00:26:44,440 --> 00:26:45,520
Speaker 3: Levels of success are.

539
00:26:45,560 --> 00:26:49,960
Speaker 4: But man, that's a super simple version, like do you

540
00:26:50,119 --> 00:26:51,119
Speaker 4: like yourself today?

541
00:26:51,800 --> 00:26:53,199
Speaker 1: Right? Yeah?

542
00:26:53,400 --> 00:26:56,280
Speaker 2: Well, Steph, I love you and I've always just been

543
00:26:56,320 --> 00:26:58,320
Speaker 2: a fan of you, So I'm so excited for everything

544
00:26:58,320 --> 00:27:00,880
Speaker 2: that you're doing. Everyone please please go get her book?

545
00:27:00,880 --> 00:27:03,600
Speaker 2: Why do we stay? And I'm just I'm so excited

546
00:27:03,600 --> 00:27:05,560
Speaker 2: for you, and I hope I'm so much success for

547
00:27:05,600 --> 00:27:06,000
Speaker 2: the book.

548
00:27:06,359 --> 00:27:08,479
Speaker 4: Well, right back at you, I just want to commend

549
00:27:08,480 --> 00:27:12,320
Speaker 4: you because you're a kicking tail every which way. I

550
00:27:12,840 --> 00:27:15,760
Speaker 4: didn't get to have littles, and I just commend you

551
00:27:15,880 --> 00:27:19,720
Speaker 4: for how you when you talk about juggling, you navigate

552
00:27:19,720 --> 00:27:21,880
Speaker 4: it and you share it and you show.

553
00:27:21,720 --> 00:27:24,119
Speaker 3: People it's all possible and that's just awesome. And ab it,

554
00:27:25,280 --> 00:27:27,120
Speaker 3: you got a good auto. You right there.

555
00:27:28,400 --> 00:27:28,880
Speaker 1: I'm trying.

556
00:27:28,920 --> 00:27:30,680
Speaker 2: I still think she's like five. I'm like, how are

557
00:27:30,680 --> 00:27:34,280
Speaker 2: you seventeen? I still tell people you're like, sex, isn't it? Yeah?

558
00:27:34,359 --> 00:27:35,840
Speaker 1: I know, it's crazy.

559
00:27:36,200 --> 00:27:37,240
Speaker 3: I appreciate you so much.

560
00:27:37,240 --> 00:27:39,040
Speaker 1: Thank you for having appreciate you stuff. Thank you