WEBVTT - “I HATE MY BABY” 0:00:02.240 --> 0:00:02.759 No way. 0:00:03.640 --> 0:00:05.000 What's up, dude? What's your name? 0:00:05.200 --> 0:00:06.400 You gotta be kidding me. 0:00:06.680 --> 0:00:07.280 How's it going? 0:00:07.720 --> 0:00:09.119 It's good. I'm Salmon. 0:00:10.119 --> 0:00:11.160 Your name is Salmon? 0:00:11.800 --> 0:00:14.160 Not really, that's my game or name I got. 0:00:14.680 --> 0:00:16.160 What games do you play as? What? 0:00:16.480 --> 0:00:17.079 In? What? In? 0:00:17.160 --> 0:00:19.639 What arenas? Are you known as? Salmon? 0:00:20.760 --> 0:00:21.120 Oh? 0:00:21.200 --> 0:00:28.040 Man, my game so much? Play Destiny? Oh I'm so 0:00:28.200 --> 0:00:34.199 nervous right now. Play World of Warcraft on a fantasy 0:00:34.320 --> 0:00:35.880 whole bunch of in and O stuff like that. 0:00:36.080 --> 0:00:37.960 What level are you in World of Warcraft? 0:00:39.080 --> 0:00:43.640 Oh? You know, just max level all over the place? 0:00:43.640 --> 0:00:43.800 Here? 0:00:43.840 --> 0:00:46.200 Hold on, I'm going to a different room where there's 0:00:47.560 --> 0:00:48.760 day I'm on the plane. 0:00:48.520 --> 0:00:49.479 With the therapy Gecko. 0:00:52.080 --> 0:00:58.920 So Salmon, yes, uh says here that you are a 0:00:59.080 --> 0:01:06.760 real license therapist and that you hate your eighteen month 0:01:06.840 --> 0:01:10.959 old baby. 0:01:11.120 --> 0:01:18.360 Yes, so, yeah, I'm a real therapist, my estate. I 0:01:18.440 --> 0:01:24.000 got my degree last May, and yeah, I got my 0:01:24.080 --> 0:01:27.399 license and I've been seeing clients. I've worked in the 0:01:27.440 --> 0:01:31.280 field for a long time, like ten years, mental health 0:01:31.319 --> 0:01:36.080 and addiction and trauma and stuff. I love it, Manna. 0:01:37.600 --> 0:01:39.320 Being a therapist is super fun. 0:01:39.760 --> 0:01:40.760 Can I ask you something? 0:01:41.920 --> 0:01:42.160 Yeah? 0:01:42.800 --> 0:01:44.160 Does anyone ever get better? 0:01:46.200 --> 0:01:46.360 Hell? 0:01:46.480 --> 0:01:47.199 Fucking yeah? 0:01:47.920 --> 0:01:48.240 Really? 0:01:49.640 --> 0:01:55.200 Oh? Yeah, really, dude, totally give it. 0:01:55.240 --> 0:01:56.440 Give me. Can I hear an example? 0:01:57.880 --> 0:02:00.160 Yeah, I mean I'll just start with me. Like, so 0:02:00.240 --> 0:02:03.320 I I got sober when I was sixteen, So I 0:02:03.360 --> 0:02:10.160 got into recovery when I was sixteen and super gnarly depression, 0:02:10.280 --> 0:02:17.000 like suicidal, really gnarly anxiety, you know, childhood trauma, addiction, 0:02:17.320 --> 0:02:20.880 family addiction, stuff like that. So I mean when I 0:02:20.880 --> 0:02:23.200 got into recovery, I like I hit it pretty hard 0:02:23.280 --> 0:02:23.760 as far. 0:02:23.600 --> 0:02:23.960 As like. 0:02:26.240 --> 0:02:30.359 You know, going to meetings, being in twelve step recovery, 0:02:30.560 --> 0:02:34.080 but also going to therapy. I started going to therapy 0:02:34.120 --> 0:02:39.600 when I was probably eighteen or nineteen because I was like, 0:02:40.600 --> 0:02:43.280 I was in recovery and I was like meditating a 0:02:43.320 --> 0:02:47.760 lot and exercising kind of doing all the like wellness 0:02:47.880 --> 0:02:52.560 stuff to like combat depression and anxiety, but nothing was 0:02:52.600 --> 0:02:56.360 really working, Like nothing I was doing on my own 0:02:57.520 --> 0:03:03.960 when my own willpower was working, and I was like 0:03:04.000 --> 0:03:06.040 fuck it, dude, I need to go with therapy. And 0:03:07.520 --> 0:03:10.560 my therapist. I found a therapist I was super badass, 0:03:10.600 --> 0:03:12.720 Like it kind of have worked out to where I 0:03:12.760 --> 0:03:15.639 was able to afford it because he had a sliding scale. 0:03:17.120 --> 0:03:20.400 He was just really good trauma therapist and we did 0:03:20.440 --> 0:03:25.079 trauma therapy and did it helped a lot. I don't 0:03:25.120 --> 0:03:25.919 know how. 0:03:25.800 --> 0:03:30.880 Old are you now, twenty seven, twenty seven? So I 0:03:30.919 --> 0:03:35.360 mean you ever all right? And I don't want to 0:03:35.400 --> 0:03:39.360 discount your story because you have a good story. But 0:03:39.440 --> 0:03:42.560 I'm talking like, you know, I feel like it's sixteen eighteen. 0:03:42.640 --> 0:03:45.480 It's very like everyone No, I mean not everyone, but 0:03:45.640 --> 0:03:48.320 like it's very easy to nah, not it's easy, but 0:03:49.600 --> 0:03:52.080 you know, changing your life at sixteen eighteen is one 0:03:52.120 --> 0:03:55.320 thing do you ever get, like like a broken thirty 0:03:55.360 --> 0:03:58.840 five year old man? Who who turns it around? 0:04:00.800 --> 0:04:01.560 Dude? Totally. 0:04:05.560 --> 0:04:12.840 So granted, I've been an individual therapist for less than 0:04:12.880 --> 0:04:16.280 a year, so clients that I've worked with, you know, 0:04:16.440 --> 0:04:19.880 I haven't been working with for more than a year. 0:04:20.080 --> 0:04:23.960 But for example, I've got a client won't give too 0:04:24.040 --> 0:04:30.599 much detail, but really intense sexual trauma and a lot 0:04:30.600 --> 0:04:35.440 of complex trauma from childhood up into adulthood and in 0:04:35.480 --> 0:04:38.719 a relatively short period of time with so I do 0:04:39.000 --> 0:04:42.760 em DR is the type of trauma therapy. She's made 0:04:42.760 --> 0:04:47.919 progress and it's you know, it's it is a slow game, 0:04:48.200 --> 0:04:54.160 but ultimately, like the little games are are pretty awesome, 0:04:54.520 --> 0:04:59.320 Like moments of hope, moments of shifts of perspective where 0:04:59.360 --> 0:05:03.600 like you know, a client will be able to move 0:05:03.680 --> 0:05:06.840 in and out of that hopelessness way more, with way 0:05:06.839 --> 0:05:11.640 more flexibility, and that shit is awesome. Man, Just ride 0:05:11.680 --> 0:05:12.039 that out. 0:05:12.640 --> 0:05:16.000 So why do you hate your baby? 0:05:17.160 --> 0:05:19.240 If my wife listened to this, Just for the record, 0:05:19.480 --> 0:05:21.040 I don't hate my baby anymore. 0:05:21.080 --> 0:05:24.640 You text you said, I have a proof. You texted me. 0:05:24.880 --> 0:05:27.839 I'm gonna read that. I'm gonna read it. You said, 0:05:29.320 --> 0:05:31.760 you said you what you texted me? Like seven things? 0:05:31.760 --> 0:05:35.400 Hold on. You said I accidentally had no no, no, no, no, 0:05:35.240 --> 0:05:37.520 don't be sorry. This is not something you need to 0:05:37.520 --> 0:05:40.560 apologize for. You said I had an exorcism while on 0:05:40.680 --> 0:05:46.360 vacation in Mexico. We might get to that. But you said, 0:05:46.440 --> 0:05:50.880 I hate my eighteen month old baby. Why do you 0:05:51.640 --> 0:05:53.200 I By the way, I just want to say this. 0:05:54.360 --> 0:05:57.360 A few people in the chat said, how could this 0:05:57.400 --> 0:06:00.240 man hate a baby? And I think those people are 0:06:00.279 --> 0:06:03.839 idiots that have never met babies before, because the babies 0:06:04.680 --> 0:06:08.160 they're not they're not they're not cool guys, you know. 0:06:08.560 --> 0:06:10.680 But you might have a different reason. So you go ahead, 0:06:10.680 --> 0:06:12.560 you you tell me what's up? 0:06:13.720 --> 0:06:22.680 Yeah? Oh, man, this is so hard. Like, yeah, my 0:06:22.760 --> 0:06:24.960 wife and I. My wife's a little bit older than me, 0:06:26.880 --> 0:06:29.520 and she she became ready to have a baby a 0:06:29.560 --> 0:06:32.640 little bit kind of before. I was like, she already 0:06:32.680 --> 0:06:36.120 had her degree, she already had her career, and it's 0:06:36.200 --> 0:06:37.840 kind of just like, all right, let's do this. And 0:06:37.920 --> 0:06:43.120 I was super resistant, super fearful about it, and yeah, 0:06:43.279 --> 0:06:49.680 just like kind of self centered, but all I'll basically 0:06:49.720 --> 0:06:51.920 like everyone in my life that I trusted and looked 0:06:51.960 --> 0:06:55.440 up to was like, dude, you just gotta send it, 0:06:55.720 --> 0:07:00.520 like it'll be worth it, you know, don't don't live 0:07:00.560 --> 0:07:04.279 from this place of self centeredness. And I was like, yeah, 0:07:04.320 --> 0:07:08.080 hell yeah, Like I love her so much, so it's 0:07:08.120 --> 0:07:12.120 not worth like you know, people get divorced over that shit. 0:07:12.360 --> 0:07:16.320 Like that's just like no way. Like I love the 0:07:16.440 --> 0:07:19.880 chruse so much, and I have had this like you know, 0:07:21.200 --> 0:07:23.360 curer like faith that it would work out and it 0:07:23.400 --> 0:07:26.800 would be okay. And I kind of thought, like, sure, 0:07:26.800 --> 0:07:30.400 I don't really love babies in general, but I bet 0:07:30.520 --> 0:07:33.120 whenever I have my own kid, it'll like override that 0:07:33.600 --> 0:07:36.920 because people are like, oh my god, it's like there's 0:07:37.080 --> 0:07:39.480 you know, like people are you know it's like the 0:07:39.560 --> 0:07:43.160 kid is born, and I've never felt so much love immediately. 0:07:43.480 --> 0:07:46.360 I was like, yeah, fuck it, like it'll probably be 0:07:46.480 --> 0:07:55.680 like that, right, dude. No, like but it was wild, 0:07:55.920 --> 0:07:58.600 like we didn't we didn't do the whole like find 0:07:58.600 --> 0:08:00.960 out the sex of the baby, so like in my 0:08:01.120 --> 0:08:04.200 mind it was there. They were gonna be a like 0:08:04.640 --> 0:08:08.040 a blonde haired girl just because like I don't know, 0:08:08.160 --> 0:08:12.120 that was just the vibe. And he's a. 0:08:12.080 --> 0:08:16.440 Redheaded boy, and I was like, who the fuck is this? 0:08:17.080 --> 0:08:17.880 Yeah, we were. 0:08:19.520 --> 0:08:23.000 It was so scary, dude. And the and the actual 0:08:23.120 --> 0:08:25.200 process was terrifying. 0:08:25.480 --> 0:08:27.280 What was the actual process? 0:08:28.160 --> 0:08:33.520 Like the birth was super complicated. It was scary like 0:08:33.679 --> 0:08:37.800 health wives. And my wife was like, I don't know. 0:08:38.400 --> 0:08:44.280 I had some difficulties, had some like preclamsya, which is 0:08:44.320 --> 0:08:48.160 scary like blood pressure should and it was an emergency 0:08:48.160 --> 0:08:51.079 sea section, and like I was just like watching her 0:08:51.240 --> 0:08:55.280 on in the operating room like and I'm just like 0:08:55.400 --> 0:08:59.439 she's gonna die, and I like all the I. 0:08:59.360 --> 0:09:03.680 Could like see her blood going into a fucking vacuum 0:09:03.880 --> 0:09:08.160 thing and I was so scared, Like I was like, she's. 0:09:08.040 --> 0:09:10.680 Gonna fucking die. I felt like I was gonna pass out, 0:09:11.840 --> 0:09:15.080 and like the surgeons are just like you know, they're 0:09:15.120 --> 0:09:17.440 just like at work, they're just like they could be 0:09:17.480 --> 0:09:20.760 working at Starbucks and making a fucking coffee, Like they're 0:09:20.760 --> 0:09:24.560 just like talking about ship, Like, dude, I'm about to 0:09:24.600 --> 0:09:28.880 pass out. And so it was super scary and like 0:09:28.920 --> 0:09:32.559 we were in the hospital for eight eight days just 0:09:32.600 --> 0:09:40.160 because there's a lot of medical issues and we both 0:09:40.160 --> 0:09:43.239 felt similarly like we were just like this felt disconnected 0:09:43.920 --> 0:09:49.120 from baby, and it did not we didn't have that 0:09:49.200 --> 0:09:56.960 like rush of endorphins that people get sometimes. And it 0:09:57.000 --> 0:10:01.840 was really hard, dude. Like, so we were in the hospital. 0:10:02.080 --> 0:10:05.320 That was the day that my master's program started. So 0:10:05.360 --> 0:10:07.880 I started grad school like in the hospital. My first 0:10:07.880 --> 0:10:12.360 classes I took like in the hospital. So it's so stressful, 0:10:16.160 --> 0:10:25.640 and yeah, it's this is really hard. So the reason 0:10:25.679 --> 0:10:31.000 that I texted that is because I mean it's an exaggeration, 0:10:31.800 --> 0:10:34.599 but I have been It's been really hard for me 0:10:34.679 --> 0:10:41.839 to bond with him because of my own just like avoidance, 0:10:42.080 --> 0:10:46.920 my own fear, a lot of like resistance to joy. 0:10:47.120 --> 0:10:49.080 I think like that part of me that is still 0:10:49.120 --> 0:10:53.680 depressed still, I still have that like you know, that 0:10:53.760 --> 0:10:56.360 depressed part that comes up it's like, you know, it's 0:10:56.360 --> 0:10:58.920 just part of my experience. I think that part of 0:10:58.960 --> 0:11:03.360 me is like don't love that baby. You don't want 0:11:03.440 --> 0:11:05.120 to love that baby, you know, Like it's just like 0:11:05.240 --> 0:11:09.680 that resistance to joy and love. So that's just what 0:11:09.720 --> 0:11:11.880 I've been working with the past year and a half 0:11:12.040 --> 0:11:18.960 is like just practicing letting go of the ideas that 0:11:19.000 --> 0:11:20.880 I want my life. You know, I want to be 0:11:20.920 --> 0:11:23.520 able to do whatever I want, that type of thing, 0:11:26.800 --> 0:11:28.920 And I don't know, I'm embracing it and honestly, like 0:11:29.080 --> 0:11:31.360 I feel like I texted you like a thousand times 0:11:31.400 --> 0:11:33.760 once I realized that I could try to actually talk 0:11:33.800 --> 0:11:37.880 to you, and genuinely in the past two months has 0:11:37.920 --> 0:11:42.120 gotten like way better. I don't know if it's like 0:11:42.600 --> 0:11:47.000 a shift within me, oh dude. And I've been doing 0:11:47.000 --> 0:11:49.240 a lot of therapy about it. So there's another example 0:11:49.280 --> 0:11:52.000 of how it's helped. Like I've been able to feel 0:11:52.080 --> 0:11:57.080 less hopeless, feel a lot more hope, and really like 0:11:57.480 --> 0:12:01.040 notice those moments of joy with him, or he's doing 0:12:01.080 --> 0:12:03.760 something funny or I allow myself to like laugh and 0:12:03.800 --> 0:12:09.840 it's like we're connected. Last Saturday was actually or not 0:12:09.960 --> 0:12:13.280 last Saturday, like maybe four Saturdays ago was one of 0:12:13.320 --> 0:12:16.600 the first days where we were together all day and 0:12:16.640 --> 0:12:20.280 I just vibed like we just hung out connected. I 0:12:20.280 --> 0:12:22.840 didn't feel super self centered, like I didn't have all 0:12:22.880 --> 0:12:24.720 these like I'm want to do whatever I want thoughts. 0:12:25.440 --> 0:12:27.720 It was just like all right, when we wear this baby, 0:12:27.800 --> 0:12:31.720 like this is the grind and like a practice. 0:12:34.600 --> 0:12:35.959 Oh fuck, dude. 0:12:36.360 --> 0:12:39.760 Yesterday We're at the park. It was fun. He and 0:12:39.840 --> 0:12:43.120 I just walked around. We were a little hike. He's 0:12:43.120 --> 0:12:47.480 twenty months now, and I'm really making an effort to 0:12:47.520 --> 0:12:51.600 bond more with him. I have this like kind of 0:12:51.640 --> 0:12:53.840 like fire under my ass of like oh shit, Like 0:12:54.559 --> 0:12:56.400 I want him to like me, Like I need to 0:12:56.440 --> 0:12:59.960 be there for him. He needs me. I can't just 0:13:01.200 --> 0:13:06.760 have this like resistance, this aversion to loving him. Oh dude, 0:13:06.760 --> 0:13:07.560 it's been so hard. 0:13:07.679 --> 0:13:12.480 But so you say it's been Uh it's gotten better 0:13:12.559 --> 0:13:14.079 in the past two months. 0:13:14.800 --> 0:13:16.040 Yeah, it's kind of a lot better. 0:13:16.480 --> 0:13:19.240 How has it gotten better in what ways has it 0:13:19.280 --> 0:13:22.040 gotten better? And how did you achieve those ways? 0:13:22.240 --> 0:13:26.560 So I think I did a lot of This is 0:13:26.559 --> 0:13:29.800 a good example. So the birth was super traumatic for me. 0:13:30.000 --> 0:13:33.040 I was very afraid and I just was in this 0:13:33.160 --> 0:13:37.680 like hypervision in state and then went immediately into being 0:13:37.720 --> 0:13:40.760 in grad school and full time stay at home dad. 0:13:41.800 --> 0:13:44.760 So I never had a chance to really like process 0:13:44.920 --> 0:13:49.480 the trauma of the birth, and so I did end 0:13:49.559 --> 0:13:52.640 up going back to therapy. So like about probably like 0:13:53.280 --> 0:13:58.560 five months ago, I started going to the perinatal therapist 0:13:58.640 --> 0:14:01.480 who does like trauma work for like births and shit, 0:14:03.480 --> 0:14:06.000 and I think that really really helped. So like I 0:14:06.040 --> 0:14:07.160 didn't have the like. 0:14:08.600 --> 0:14:14.960 The physical reaction of the PTSD from the berth whenever 0:14:15.000 --> 0:14:16.920 I thought about it, like the overwhelmed, Like I was 0:14:16.960 --> 0:14:19.360 able to let that go to process it. 0:14:20.120 --> 0:14:22.960 So it was more more present, I meant, more able 0:14:23.000 --> 0:14:25.440 to be present with like the truth of what's happening 0:14:25.760 --> 0:14:31.600 just in the present moment. So what it looks like 0:14:31.800 --> 0:14:36.800 is just me being able to experience both joy and 0:14:37.800 --> 0:14:43.640 like extreme discomfort very fluidly and flexibly throughout the day. 0:14:43.800 --> 0:14:47.360 It's like one moment he's super happy, I'm super happy 0:14:47.400 --> 0:14:50.800 and we're hanging out. Next moment, he's fucking freaking out 0:14:50.840 --> 0:14:54.760 because he wants oatmeal and we have to go and 0:14:54.800 --> 0:15:03.000 I get super overstimulated, and but it's like, Okay, I 0:15:03.000 --> 0:15:05.520 can hold both of those things now, Like it's Okay, 0:15:05.640 --> 0:15:09.200 it's okay for me to have to feel this unpleasantness 0:15:09.240 --> 0:15:14.120 because I know that it's worth it. That's huge for me, 0:15:14.320 --> 0:15:16.920 like being able to think like it's worth it because 0:15:16.960 --> 0:15:20.720 I know we're gonna connect later and that would be special. 0:15:26.320 --> 0:15:29.800 Have you always felt a sort of, like I guess, 0:15:30.360 --> 0:15:33.720 aversion to happiness. 0:15:33.760 --> 0:15:37.720 Oh yeah, dude, I don't know what is up, dude, 0:15:37.760 --> 0:15:41.800 I got a fucking dude. Oh my god. Yeah, you 0:15:41.840 --> 0:15:45.160 should see the fucking drawings that I drew as a kid, Like, 0:15:45.200 --> 0:15:48.320 as a little kid, I drew the most like demented, 0:15:48.480 --> 0:15:53.920 fucking creepy drawings as a little kid. And yeah, like 0:15:53.960 --> 0:15:57.080 I started, I had my first like real suicidal thoughts 0:15:57.080 --> 0:15:59.920 in sixth grade. Like I just there was just this 0:16:00.080 --> 0:16:04.520 part of me that hated life. It was just really overwhelmed, 0:16:05.840 --> 0:16:08.640 afraid of feeling joy, like you know, just in that 0:16:09.040 --> 0:16:11.200 in that space. So that's kind of always been. 0:16:11.120 --> 0:16:12.600 There, hmm. 0:16:13.880 --> 0:16:19.320 And so this is a process of you like accepting 0:16:19.560 --> 0:16:23.600 that you should be able to feel happiness, and not 0:16:23.680 --> 0:16:27.600 only that, but you're also it's not just for you, 0:16:27.600 --> 0:16:29.080 you know, of course, it's not just for you. It's 0:16:29.120 --> 0:16:31.480 for the well being of of you know, another person, 0:16:32.080 --> 0:16:33.560 that you're in charge of as well. 0:16:36.560 --> 0:16:37.560 Yeah, I think so. 0:16:40.240 --> 0:16:47.160 Oh yeah, So has your ability to start, so you say, 0:16:47.200 --> 0:16:49.160 in the past two months has gotten better. So has 0:16:49.200 --> 0:16:55.640 your ability to start feeling joy interacting with your child 0:16:56.720 --> 0:16:58.720 leaked out to your ability? 0:16:58.800 --> 0:16:58.880 Like? 0:16:58.960 --> 0:17:01.000 Has it has it increased your ability to start feeling 0:17:01.080 --> 0:17:03.080 joy in other realms of your life as well? 0:17:04.880 --> 0:17:05.200 Hmm? 0:17:11.080 --> 0:17:17.119 Yeah, I think not necessarily, because man, today I can 0:17:17.160 --> 0:17:20.720 feel some joy. I can feel some joy about stuff 0:17:21.160 --> 0:17:28.040 like and I think, yeah, man, like I love I 0:17:28.080 --> 0:17:31.600 love life now, even though there's always going to be 0:17:31.680 --> 0:17:36.480 that darkness, Like I don't become that darkness anymore. I 0:17:36.640 --> 0:17:39.480 just been able to be with it. You can come 0:17:39.480 --> 0:17:42.639 along for the ride. But that's why I like so 0:17:42.880 --> 0:17:44.960 the whole like not being able to feel joy with 0:17:45.200 --> 0:17:48.119 him has been so disturbing because I feel like I've 0:17:48.520 --> 0:17:53.040 historically been able to like overcome challenges like mental health 0:17:53.280 --> 0:17:57.080 challenges and shit like that. This has been a real doozy, 0:17:59.560 --> 0:18:01.600 and it's probably gonna be a doozy for the next 0:18:01.680 --> 0:18:06.080 like ideally, like, I don't know however many years I'll 0:18:06.080 --> 0:18:09.000 be alive, but I'll probably hopefully be a parent for 0:18:09.080 --> 0:18:09.880 that amount of time. 0:18:10.720 --> 0:18:14.760 So you've accepted that, say, this is an interesting thing, 0:18:14.800 --> 0:18:18.960 and I'll get into it, but you've accepted that this 0:18:19.040 --> 0:18:20.920 is going to be a doozy for the rest of 0:18:20.960 --> 0:18:22.119 the time that you are alive. 0:18:24.680 --> 0:18:24.760 Ye. 0:18:26.400 --> 0:18:28.640 Yeah, dude, that's a hard thing to accept. 0:18:28.720 --> 0:18:30.320 That's a hard thing to accept because I've been thinking 0:18:30.320 --> 0:18:32.720 about this, Like I, dude, one, I've been thinking about 0:18:32.720 --> 0:18:36.800 this a lot. I'm pretty much your age, and uh, 0:18:37.480 --> 0:18:41.960 you know, I often really do feel like I'm like 0:18:42.800 --> 0:18:45.720 depressed and anxious all the time in carrying a rock. 0:18:46.280 --> 0:18:50.560 And I saw this comment on Reddit. I might have 0:18:50.640 --> 0:18:52.199 talked about this on the podcast, all right, I've just 0:18:52.240 --> 0:18:54.440 been talking about it to my friends. Like I saw 0:18:54.480 --> 0:18:57.719 this comment on Reddit that said something like people think 0:18:57.800 --> 0:19:00.000 that when they turn thirty, there's gonna be this crazy 0:19:00.160 --> 0:19:03.719 magical thing, or they're gonna explode, or they're gonna feel different, 0:19:04.200 --> 0:19:09.840 and the truth is it just keeps going. And I 0:19:09.920 --> 0:19:12.920 read that and I was like, oh no, I find 0:19:13.000 --> 0:19:19.040 such great solace every day and imagining like a fucking 0:19:20.520 --> 0:19:26.120 version of the future where I'm not as anxious, and 0:19:26.520 --> 0:19:30.200 I'm like, you know, all these problems are kind of gone, 0:19:31.080 --> 0:19:33.679 and what if it just never happens, and what if 0:19:33.720 --> 0:19:37.000 I'm just like dealing with shit. This is why I'm 0:19:37.000 --> 0:19:39.520 afraid of getting older, because I'm like, oh, what if 0:19:39.560 --> 0:19:43.680 I'm just dealing with shit forever? You know. I talk 0:19:43.720 --> 0:19:45.840 to people on the podcast and I read on Reddit 0:19:45.920 --> 0:19:47.520 and all this stuff of like people and they're like, 0:19:47.560 --> 0:19:50.520 you know, thirties and forties and fifties, we're going through 0:19:51.400 --> 0:19:55.080 these problems. And I'm like sometimes I'm just like, god, damn, man, 0:19:55.119 --> 0:20:00.600 this sounds exhausting, just problems like forever. You know. Do 0:20:00.640 --> 0:20:01.720 you do you ever feel that way? 0:20:03.920 --> 0:20:04.280 Hmmm? 0:20:04.560 --> 0:20:06.679 I'm like, oh my god, how I'm just gonna how 0:20:06.720 --> 0:20:08.080 are you not tired? 0:20:09.480 --> 0:20:10.000 Yeah? 0:20:11.080 --> 0:20:13.920 I have felt that way. I don't feel that way 0:20:14.080 --> 0:20:15.000 very much anymore. 0:20:15.600 --> 0:20:16.000 Mm hmm. 0:20:16.320 --> 0:20:19.080 I get it, though, Like I truly relate. I truly 0:20:19.119 --> 0:20:22.080 relate to that, and I hear it a lot. Actually, 0:20:22.119 --> 0:20:29.640 one of my friends is I don't go ahead. Yeah, 0:20:29.640 --> 0:20:31.840 one of my friends is like, hell of suicidal right now, 0:20:32.040 --> 0:20:34.960 And similarly, like just feels like this is going to 0:20:35.040 --> 0:20:39.639 be this way forever. And I don't know. I mean, 0:20:39.680 --> 0:20:41.840 I think if you have a lot of that self 0:20:41.880 --> 0:20:44.879 awareness of like noticing whenever your mind is going to 0:20:45.040 --> 0:20:48.080 the like, well maybe one day I won't feel this way. 0:20:50.280 --> 0:20:54.240 But it's like a that's a good indicator of looking 0:20:54.280 --> 0:20:57.119 at Okay, what's happening right now? And you know in 0:20:57.160 --> 0:21:01.480 this moment that is leading to this sense of dissatisfaction. 0:21:02.040 --> 0:21:05.800 What is it? Is it that longing that is causing 0:21:05.920 --> 0:21:09.560 this dissatisfaction? Is it a physical thing? Do I need 0:21:09.600 --> 0:21:12.399 to eat? Is it a lack of connection? Do I 0:21:12.440 --> 0:21:15.760 need to be with a friend? Am I burnt out? 0:21:16.440 --> 0:21:20.080 Do I need to change what I'm doing? It's like 0:21:20.200 --> 0:21:24.200 all comes to what is happening in the present moment 0:21:24.280 --> 0:21:27.880 that needs tending to, Like how can I be kind 0:21:27.880 --> 0:21:32.280 to myself or be kind to another person? As a response, 0:21:32.320 --> 0:21:36.320 because like, yeah, dude, we're never like the future. I mean, 0:21:36.359 --> 0:21:39.640 I don't know. Maybe in like a fucking quantum physics 0:21:40.119 --> 0:21:43.159 sense it exists, but right now it's like it doesn't exist. 0:21:43.840 --> 0:21:47.400 And usually whenever we're thinking about the future where maybe 0:21:47.400 --> 0:21:50.360 this is obvious, but we're there's something happening right now 0:21:50.359 --> 0:21:54.240 that we don't like or we're afraid of, or we're 0:21:54.760 --> 0:21:57.879 like you know, holding on to but it's already going away. 0:22:00.640 --> 0:22:02.879 And the goodness is it's like we can just let 0:22:02.960 --> 0:22:06.520 go and the practice and like you know, what can 0:22:06.600 --> 0:22:09.200 become kind of fun is like figuring out how can 0:22:09.240 --> 0:22:11.720 I let go right now in a way that will 0:22:11.720 --> 0:22:17.200 give me some freedom. But it's not easy. It's dude, 0:22:17.240 --> 0:22:18.000 it's not easy. 0:22:21.920 --> 0:22:24.120 Well, is there anything fun going on with you? 0:22:25.800 --> 0:22:26.000 Hell? 0:22:26.119 --> 0:22:28.320 Yeah, man, I mean, let's sorry. 0:22:28.160 --> 0:22:30.960 About that before we go. Let's talk about some fun stuff. 0:22:31.040 --> 0:22:32.879 I mean, no, this was fun. This was good. This 0:22:33.000 --> 0:22:37.000 was this was this was good. This was good. I mean, 0:22:37.560 --> 0:22:40.640 I'm glad to hear that your h It sounds from 0:22:40.680 --> 0:22:43.760 the way you're talking to me, that these struggles are 0:22:43.960 --> 0:22:49.680 are on a positive upward trajectory towards being dealt with 0:22:49.800 --> 0:22:54.359 and and and handled you know, by you in a 0:22:54.400 --> 0:22:57.879 way that makes your life better. I'm happy to hear that. 0:22:58.359 --> 0:23:00.480 How does your wife feel about all that stuff you 0:23:00.520 --> 0:23:01.480 talked to her about all this? 0:23:02.800 --> 0:23:06.040 Yeah, I definitely do. She knows, she knows the struggle, 0:23:07.280 --> 0:23:12.879 and she's supportive, man, Like, she's just patient and wonderful 0:23:13.480 --> 0:23:17.800 and she knows me, is really patient with me. But 0:23:17.880 --> 0:23:20.159 I've definitely tried to not let it leak out too 0:23:20.200 --> 0:23:22.359 much because it's like sucks for her to be with 0:23:22.400 --> 0:23:25.800 somebody that's like me. It is so hard all the time. 0:23:25.880 --> 0:23:28.639 You know, right, Yeah, Yeah, that's the thing that's when 0:23:28.840 --> 0:23:30.480 you're dealing with a partner, is you got to like, 0:23:31.080 --> 0:23:33.679 you know, you want somebody who you can lean on emotionally, 0:23:33.760 --> 0:23:36.359 but also you gotta you know, kind of step at 0:23:36.359 --> 0:23:38.159 the fuck up so that she's not dealing with that 0:23:38.240 --> 0:23:43.439 all the time. Right, Yeah, tell me about those fun things. 0:23:45.200 --> 0:23:48.719 Man. It's warm now, so I feel just more hopeful. 0:23:48.720 --> 0:23:51.720 In general, it's fun to be outside. I love doing 0:23:52.240 --> 0:23:55.760 muay thai, like I love boxing, MMA and shit like that. 0:23:55.840 --> 0:23:59.560 So I've been doing that time. That's fun beta I 0:23:59.560 --> 0:24:00.359 get into Yeah. 0:24:00.240 --> 0:24:03.040 Do you recommend do you recommend that? Oh? 0:24:03.160 --> 0:24:06.359 Dude, it's the best muay thai, especially. 0:24:05.840 --> 0:24:10.760 Because it's like it's the perfect mix of like there's 0:24:10.800 --> 0:24:11.280 a lot of. 0:24:11.280 --> 0:24:15.480 Humility to it as it's very like you know, I 0:24:15.480 --> 0:24:17.760 don't know, there's not a lot of like Mato Bros. 0:24:17.800 --> 0:24:20.159 And the like can you get fucked up doing it? 0:24:20.280 --> 0:24:22.720 I like, I I want to do it. I want 0:24:22.800 --> 0:24:24.760 to do more like physical hobbies that will get you 0:24:24.760 --> 0:24:26.440 in better shape. But I just don't want to get 0:24:26.480 --> 0:24:27.720 like my nose broken. 0:24:28.640 --> 0:24:31.119 No, dude, that's a great thing about muy thai is 0:24:31.160 --> 0:24:32.920 like Okay, so I've gone to boxing gyms. 0:24:32.960 --> 0:24:34.840 I've gone to MMA gym where you just get the 0:24:35.000 --> 0:24:36.439