WEBVTT - How Temper Tantrums Work 0:00:01.040 --> 0:00:11.080 Welcome to Stuff you should Know Frunhouse stuff Works dot Com. Hey, 0:00:11.119 --> 0:00:15.120 and welcome to the podcast. I'm Josh Clark, Chas Chuck Bryant, 0:00:15.360 --> 0:00:19.680 and again we have our guest producer, Noel. He's thrashing 0:00:19.720 --> 0:00:24.720 about on the ground, vomiting, screaming, capillary's bursting in his cheek. 0:00:24.800 --> 0:00:28.840 Ye all because we wouldn't give him a third pork chop. 0:00:29.560 --> 0:00:34.720 Not true? Yeah, boy, temper tantrums are. I always feel 0:00:34.800 --> 0:00:37.200 so bad for the parents in public, you know, Oh really, 0:00:37.240 --> 0:00:40.320 I always think like, you screwed up your kid already. 0:00:40.680 --> 0:00:44.920 See you're so wrong. And we're about to dispel that. Yeah, 0:00:44.960 --> 0:00:48.360 it's true, although I did see a Um we're about 0:00:48.360 --> 0:00:50.840 to talk a lot about why it's not the parents fault. 0:00:50.920 --> 0:00:54.400 But I did some extra research and there are experts 0:00:54.400 --> 0:00:59.160 that say you can also be a bad parent and 0:00:59.480 --> 0:01:02.120 that could leave the temper tantrums. Like, we don't want 0:01:02.120 --> 0:01:04.800 to blame parents, but you can definitely play a part. 0:01:05.040 --> 0:01:08.720 And we as a society of said, uh, from this 0:01:09.280 --> 0:01:12.319 age to this age, temper tantrums are normal. And then 0:01:12.360 --> 0:01:16.160 after that then apparently it's like the bad parenting really 0:01:16.160 --> 0:01:19.920 shines through and then they think like, yeah, there's some 0:01:19.959 --> 0:01:22.880 real problems this kid has and it's largely because of 0:01:22.920 --> 0:01:27.320 bad parenting or a bad home environment, or troubles during pregnancy, 0:01:27.840 --> 0:01:30.920 like abuse, things like that. Um, that can all lead 0:01:30.959 --> 0:01:35.639 to temper tantrums that turn into something else. Yeah, after 0:01:36.080 --> 0:01:38.560 a certain age. Yeah, this whole thing it makes me 0:01:38.640 --> 0:01:43.520 kind of uncomfortable. But just parenting advice period is so 0:01:43.640 --> 0:01:47.880 like subjective and individual. Yeah, it's it's always feel like 0:01:48.520 --> 0:01:50.720 people shouldn't tell other people how to parent, but I 0:01:50.760 --> 0:01:54.440 also feel like they're probably some pretty good guidelines to 0:01:54.560 --> 0:01:57.120 parenting too. So yeah, and if you go back and 0:01:57.280 --> 0:02:01.120 look at, um, the history of parents, Yeah, like it 0:02:01.160 --> 0:02:03.880 wasn't too long ago that it was. It kind of 0:02:03.920 --> 0:02:07.120 seems to go on a cycle. Like in the eighteenth century. 0:02:07.560 --> 0:02:11.240 Um Rousseau, the Great Enlightenment thinker, basically was one of 0:02:11.240 --> 0:02:15.760 the first to say, you know what, maybe kids aren't 0:02:15.880 --> 0:02:21.760 just miniature adults and like maybe child something special. It's 0:02:21.800 --> 0:02:25.360 a time of development we should, you know, become less 0:02:25.400 --> 0:02:29.079 parent centric and more child centric as far as parenthood goes. 0:02:29.840 --> 0:02:33.720 And um, that really kind of sparked this different idea 0:02:33.919 --> 0:02:38.840 of you know, treating kids as kids rather than adults. 0:02:39.600 --> 0:02:41.600 And then that was replaced later on by the whole 0:02:41.639 --> 0:02:44.760 like discipline and all that of the late nineteenth early 0:02:44.800 --> 0:02:48.320 twentieth century, and then that was replaced by the idea 0:02:48.400 --> 0:02:52.600 that kids, their childhood should be indulged, you know. And 0:02:52.600 --> 0:02:54.640 then Russo said, boy, fetch me in my feather, I 0:02:54.639 --> 0:02:59.680 need to throw up. Is that from Fletch, No, fletch, 0:03:01.960 --> 0:03:04.639 that's what came to mind. No, I just thought it'd 0:03:04.680 --> 0:03:07.080 be funny, you know, I need to throw up, you know, 0:03:07.160 --> 0:03:10.480 the benjing and purging back in the day, eat till 0:03:10.520 --> 0:03:12.520 you can't eat anymore than you need, stick a feather 0:03:12.520 --> 0:03:14.679 it on your throat and vomited it up. Supposedly, the 0:03:14.800 --> 0:03:18.600 vomitorium thing is a myth. Have you heard that in Rome? 0:03:18.760 --> 0:03:22.800 Ancient Rome, vomitoriums they supposedly had like places for that. 0:03:22.960 --> 0:03:26.120 I haven't heard. They were my supposedly their myth mythological 0:03:26.320 --> 0:03:29.280 and not like the minator, like the real myth, not 0:03:29.360 --> 0:03:33.960 like they want you to think. It's a myth. Got Okay, 0:03:34.560 --> 0:03:37.320 So we're talking temper tantrums, and we've already kind of said, 0:03:38.160 --> 0:03:43.000 um that during a certain period of your life, they're normal. 0:03:43.280 --> 0:03:45.520 It's actually you would be a weird kid. If you 0:03:45.600 --> 0:03:51.000 didn't have a temper tantrum pretty frequently, not weird, but 0:03:51.440 --> 0:03:53.680 you would be in the minority for sure. Okay, but 0:03:53.720 --> 0:03:57.840 it doesn't mean you're weird. Comparatively speaking, it means you're weird. 0:03:59.000 --> 0:04:03.600 So like, from age one to age three ish, they 0:04:03.640 --> 0:04:07.320 basically say, have have your temper tantrums? It's normal. Yeah, 0:04:07.400 --> 0:04:11.320 between fifty if you want a statistic of two to 0:04:11.360 --> 0:04:13.320 three year old boys and girls have at least one 0:04:13.480 --> 0:04:19.760 tantrum per week, and UM have a tantrum every day. Yeah, 0:04:19.800 --> 0:04:23.320 those kids are fun between those those years. Uh. And 0:04:23.360 --> 0:04:26.240 then there was another study from the University of Minnesota. 0:04:26.320 --> 0:04:30.680 I found even higher rates. UM. Ninety one percent of 0:04:30.760 --> 0:04:35.000 children in this study, between the ages of thirty thirty 0:04:35.000 --> 0:04:38.680 months and three years UM had a tantrum on a 0:04:38.680 --> 0:04:42.080 weekly basis. So it happens. If you had a kid, 0:04:42.200 --> 0:04:44.240 you've probably had it happen. If you don't have kids yet, 0:04:44.440 --> 0:04:46.080 it will happen to you. And if you have a 0:04:46.160 --> 0:04:49.720 kid that doesn't have tantrums, if they're weird, No, you're 0:04:49.760 --> 0:04:52.599 just lucky. Yeah, you are pretty lucky. I wasn't a 0:04:52.640 --> 0:04:55.240 tantrum thrower, I know, I'm sure I was, but I 0:04:56.120 --> 0:04:57.760 think I was a pretty good kid. Yeah, I'm not 0:04:58.040 --> 0:05:01.280 saying it never happened with me, but I was e chill. Yes, 0:05:01.920 --> 0:05:04.000 the gate. Yeah, my brother in law and sister in 0:05:04.080 --> 0:05:08.000 law lucked out a good kid who's like more hard 0:05:08.040 --> 0:05:10.719 on herself than like they are on her. That's the 0:05:10.760 --> 0:05:13.800 best self regulating kids. Yeah, she's good, and she's like 0:05:13.960 --> 0:05:17.080 right in the age two and she's very good. So 0:05:17.160 --> 0:05:20.160 she's weird. Yeah yeah, yeah, weird and all the all 0:05:20.160 --> 0:05:24.159 the best way, the right way. Yeah. The good news is, um, 0:05:24.240 --> 0:05:27.040 by the time they reached four or five, you should 0:05:27.120 --> 0:05:30.320 be seeing a large drop off or complete cessation of 0:05:30.360 --> 0:05:35.600 these tantrums. Yeah. And the reason why we say the 0:05:35.640 --> 0:05:40.520 age um, that there is an age for this to end, 0:05:41.120 --> 0:05:45.000 is because we finally figured out that the mechanisms involved 0:05:45.040 --> 0:05:48.040 in temperate tantrums. Yeah, it's a thing. It's not just 0:05:48.520 --> 0:05:50.839 my kids pain in the butter, he's in a bad mood, 0:05:50.920 --> 0:05:54.919 or he's spoiled. It's there's there's brain activity that is 0:05:54.960 --> 0:05:58.279 causing this to happen. Yes, specifically in the prefrontal cortex, 0:05:58.360 --> 0:06:00.800 or we should say there's a lack of activity in 0:06:00.839 --> 0:06:03.760 the prefrontal cortex, which is the last part of the 0:06:03.760 --> 0:06:08.560 brain to evolve. Yeah, like it up until your eighteenth birthday, 0:06:09.200 --> 0:06:13.320 your preformal cortex is still evolving, right, yes, and developing, 0:06:13.400 --> 0:06:16.320 is I think what we mean? Yes, yes we do. 0:06:16.480 --> 0:06:19.640 We both said evolved. But it's true. I mean, you know, 0:06:19.720 --> 0:06:22.200 the Victorians used to think that if you looked inside 0:06:22.200 --> 0:06:25.919 an egg, you would see the animal that species go 0:06:26.040 --> 0:06:29.120 through its full evolution, that that was its process of development. 0:06:29.960 --> 0:06:32.320 And it kind of makes sense to an extent, especially 0:06:32.360 --> 0:06:34.080 if you think of the brain, like I'm sure the 0:06:34.120 --> 0:06:36.320 brain stem is the first part of the brain to 0:06:36.360 --> 0:06:40.200 be constructed in utero and then it goes all the 0:06:40.240 --> 0:06:42.839 way like after birth, your brain is still developing, and 0:06:42.880 --> 0:06:47.040 it's probably the most sophisticated regions of the brain that 0:06:47.120 --> 0:06:50.200 take the longest to develop. That makes sense. So the 0:06:50.320 --> 0:06:54.760 Victorians were right all along about throwing up All right, 0:06:54.800 --> 0:06:57.880 well should we talk about what the tantrum? That there 0:06:57.920 --> 0:07:02.760 was a doctor who clearly has uh some massochistic tendencies 0:07:02.800 --> 0:07:06.080 because he did a study in which he rigged toddlers 0:07:06.080 --> 0:07:10.040 with microphones. He's the temper tantrum specialist. He's like the 0:07:10.280 --> 0:07:13.640 guy he's definitely a massochist. No, I'm saying, God bless 0:07:13.680 --> 0:07:16.960 this guy, because it is not fun work to record 0:07:17.120 --> 0:07:20.680 and analyze audio tapes of temper tantrums over and over 0:07:20.720 --> 0:07:22.760 and over, but that's what he did, and he did 0:07:22.840 --> 0:07:26.600 find some patterns. First of all, they only last a 0:07:26.640 --> 0:07:29.840 few minutes. Parents, it might seem like an eternity there 0:07:29.840 --> 0:07:32.840 in target while your kid is like buried in the 0:07:32.840 --> 0:07:35.320 clothes racks screaming, but it's only going to be a 0:07:35.320 --> 0:07:38.120 few minutes, and then ten minutes later your kid has 0:07:38.120 --> 0:07:40.560 just probably forgotten about it, even though you have not. 0:07:42.000 --> 0:07:45.239 The He also found that UM, based on the types 0:07:45.280 --> 0:07:47.760 of sounds that the kids made, they can basically be 0:07:47.840 --> 0:07:52.240 classified as sad sounds and angry sounds, and he found 0:07:52.280 --> 0:07:57.200 that his name is Michael Potagal. And Portagal found that UM, 0:07:57.360 --> 0:07:59.960 rather than one giving into the other leading into the other, 0:08:00.360 --> 0:08:04.760 they're pretty much simultaneous. And then once the anger, it's 0:08:04.800 --> 0:08:08.200 basically you have sadness all along, and then it's overlaid 0:08:08.200 --> 0:08:12.040 with anger. And then once the anger subsides, all this 0:08:12.200 --> 0:08:16.320 left the sadness and now the healing can begin because 0:08:16.320 --> 0:08:19.680 when kids are sad, they want to be comforted, so 0:08:19.760 --> 0:08:23.880 they go to you, the parent hopefully yeah, UM and 0:08:23.880 --> 0:08:28.000 and then the temper tantrum can subside. Yeah, and he 0:08:28.320 --> 0:08:31.080 broke it down into three phase three stages. Uh, you 0:08:31.160 --> 0:08:34.720 get your yelling and screaming. You've got your physical actions, 0:08:34.760 --> 0:08:36.920 which is what we talked about, like throwing yourself on 0:08:36.960 --> 0:08:39.360 the floor, and that's what you typically think of, like 0:08:39.440 --> 0:08:44.040 kicking and screaming, and then um, we're biting. And then 0:08:44.080 --> 0:08:46.120 you've got your whimpering and whining, which is the third 0:08:46.360 --> 0:08:51.440 and saddest stage right to witness, because the kid has 0:08:51.480 --> 0:08:53.920 just played out at this point and it's just really sad. Yeah. 0:08:53.960 --> 0:08:58.000 And protocol also found that if the kid goes straight 0:08:58.040 --> 0:09:02.680 into the physical stage, yes, they tantrum is even shorter lived. 0:09:02.800 --> 0:09:05.800 I think because they text themselves more quickly. Yeah, that 0:09:05.840 --> 0:09:10.040 makes sense. Uh. And these we talked earlier about Noel's 0:09:10.160 --> 0:09:12.520 tantrum before we came in and how his face is flushed. 0:09:13.040 --> 0:09:15.880 That is something that can happen if they are screaming 0:09:15.920 --> 0:09:18.280 loud enough, they can pop blood vessels in the face 0:09:18.320 --> 0:09:22.040 and capillaries and they can induce vomiting. It can get 0:09:22.040 --> 0:09:28.320 like really serious and violent and disturbing. Is that funny 0:09:28.320 --> 0:09:31.400 to you? Just wouldn't you just be like you stupid kid? 0:09:31.520 --> 0:09:33.720 What is wrong with you? You just screamed until you 0:09:33.760 --> 0:09:37.199 threw up. Yeah. I think that's a good approach. Well, 0:09:37.240 --> 0:09:45.080 I mean you don't say alright, So back to back 0:09:45.120 --> 0:09:50.120 to the prefernal cortex. Uh. We said it develops very Uh. 0:09:50.280 --> 0:09:52.000 I don't know about slowly, but it develops over the 0:09:52.040 --> 0:09:54.800 course of your life until you're about eighteen. Um, but 0:09:54.880 --> 0:09:57.719 it doesn't even start to till you're four. And they 0:09:57.760 --> 0:10:00.480 think the reason why or not in a clearly the 0:10:00.520 --> 0:10:03.880 reason why they think because of this this malleability and 0:10:03.920 --> 0:10:08.240 plasticity in the prefrontal cortext, we are able to acquire 0:10:08.360 --> 0:10:11.920 language skills as humans. So it's kind of a trade 0:10:11.920 --> 0:10:16.240 off because while we can acquire language skills while our 0:10:16.320 --> 0:10:21.040 PFC is developing, we don't have the emotional stability that 0:10:21.120 --> 0:10:23.800 we have later on in life with the fully developed PFC, 0:10:23.920 --> 0:10:28.240 because the prefrontal cortext is in charge of regulating our 0:10:28.280 --> 0:10:32.439 emotional stability and basically saying like whoa, it's the part 0:10:32.480 --> 0:10:34.800 of the it's the joey part of the brain. So 0:10:34.960 --> 0:10:37.800 your kid, your kid doesn't have the joey part of 0:10:37.800 --> 0:10:41.000 the brain yet, and there is since you brought up language, 0:10:41.040 --> 0:10:45.600 there is a um there's a conflict between what the 0:10:45.679 --> 0:10:48.719 kid can understand and then relay back to you at 0:10:48.720 --> 0:10:50.439 that age, Like they may be able to understand what 0:10:50.480 --> 0:10:52.800 you're saying, but they can't speak the words yet. So 0:10:52.840 --> 0:10:56.480 you've got a really frustrated kid because it can't get 0:10:56.480 --> 0:10:59.600 out what it wants to say. And then you've got 0:10:59.640 --> 0:11:02.360 the pre romal cortex not doing anything yet, right, it's 0:11:02.360 --> 0:11:06.160 not putting the brakes on. Yeah, so that is a tantrum. 0:11:06.200 --> 0:11:08.240 I mean, that's a recipe for a tantrum. And why 0:11:08.280 --> 0:11:10.120 don't you stew on that for a minute while we 0:11:10.240 --> 0:11:23.319 take a message break because that was some heavy stuff. Okay, 0:11:23.360 --> 0:11:25.559 so we're back. We just talked about the prefrontal cortex, 0:11:25.640 --> 0:11:30.600 and you, Chuck just explained what a temper tantrum is. Yeah, 0:11:30.640 --> 0:11:34.880 because we all have like moments of frustration. We all 0:11:34.960 --> 0:11:38.800 have um times when like we act out a little bit, 0:11:38.880 --> 0:11:42.120 like you know, this light bulb is supposed to work, 0:11:43.520 --> 0:11:45.440 you know, that kind of thing, road rage. That's an 0:11:45.440 --> 0:11:49.359 adult temper tantrum exactly, you know, but we have prefrontel 0:11:49.400 --> 0:11:55.160 cortex is we've been socialized to feel embarrassed for acting out. Um, 0:11:55.200 --> 0:11:58.079 if you took that away and shrunk us down by 0:11:58.080 --> 0:12:01.320 several feet you would have. It's a normal temper tantrum 0:12:01.400 --> 0:12:04.280 and kids. Yeah, and we also should point out that 0:12:04.320 --> 0:12:08.000 the fight or flight kicks into a big shot of 0:12:08.040 --> 0:12:12.560 cortisol happens, and so everything is just messed up. Like 0:12:12.600 --> 0:12:14.640 it's a wonder your kid doesn't have more of these 0:12:15.160 --> 0:12:18.120 when you think about that. So that frustration UM does 0:12:18.200 --> 0:12:22.480 trigger cortisol, It triggers Nora fehrin Uh, your fight or 0:12:22.480 --> 0:12:26.920 flight syndrome or responses kicked into high gear. And again 0:12:27.000 --> 0:12:28.720 you have nothing to put the brakes on all of this. 0:12:29.240 --> 0:12:34.760 What's interesting is, Um, some of the physical signs that 0:12:34.880 --> 0:12:37.840 the fight or flight responses kicked in are also signs 0:12:37.880 --> 0:12:40.959 that your kids about to have like a major meltdown. 0:12:41.640 --> 0:12:49.199 Things like, Um, you're breathing, flush skin, sweating, sweating, pupils dilated, 0:12:49.360 --> 0:12:52.240 drooling and spitting. Yeah, all these things where it's like 0:12:52.320 --> 0:12:54.079 you see your kids starting to do that, you just 0:12:55.440 --> 0:13:01.280 gonna blow yes. And the reason um, they stop or 0:13:01.800 --> 0:13:03.719 at least taper off by the ages of four and 0:13:03.800 --> 0:13:07.240 five is because you're the joey part of your brain 0:13:07.600 --> 0:13:10.079 starts to work and the kid can now talk to you, 0:13:10.679 --> 0:13:13.679 and all of these things kind of undo and the 0:13:13.760 --> 0:13:16.640 kids like that was the problem because they can now 0:13:16.720 --> 0:13:20.160 tell you that, right. I couldn't talk. Yeah, it smelled 0:13:20.240 --> 0:13:23.240 like chili dogs all the time, and I try. I 0:13:23.280 --> 0:13:25.959 just couldn't tell you that, and my PFC wasn't working. 0:13:25.960 --> 0:13:30.000 So what am I to do? Just go perserk exactly? Um. 0:13:30.200 --> 0:13:33.079 The thing is is like, yes, your kid is going 0:13:33.120 --> 0:13:35.160 to likely age out of this. If your kid doesn't 0:13:35.200 --> 0:13:38.160 age out of it, then perhaps it's time to consult 0:13:38.160 --> 0:13:42.760 the specialist, say around five, six years of age, usually six, 0:13:42.840 --> 0:13:48.200 I think. Um. But along the way, you can help 0:13:48.240 --> 0:13:53.600 your kid have fewer temper tantrums, have less severe temper tantrums, 0:13:53.960 --> 0:13:57.080 and basically just be a better human being in general 0:13:57.720 --> 0:14:00.640 by how you as the parents are us the temper 0:14:00.679 --> 0:14:03.520 tantrums by telling them they're dumb for just throwing up 0:14:03.880 --> 0:14:06.000 You just you think that in your head. You don't 0:14:06.080 --> 0:14:07.840 say it out loud or else you're a terrible parent. 0:14:07.880 --> 0:14:11.280 If you think it, you're fine? Okay, Um, you know 0:14:11.320 --> 0:14:14.440 what you The number one thing you want to do, um, 0:14:14.600 --> 0:14:20.680 prior to temper tantrums is giving the kid a schedule, 0:14:21.920 --> 0:14:25.400 because apparently a lot of the temper tantrums come from 0:14:25.560 --> 0:14:29.360 a fear that somethings that they're not going to get food, 0:14:29.720 --> 0:14:33.200 whether they're not gonna get held or attension or whatever. 0:14:33.680 --> 0:14:35.800 If they're on a schedule, they'll know that it's coming. 0:14:36.160 --> 0:14:37.880 And if they start to freak out, you can say, 0:14:37.960 --> 0:14:40.880 of course, your goldfish are coming. It's almost two pm. 0:14:41.560 --> 0:14:45.400 Settled out, you little goldfish junkie. Yeah. And I know 0:14:45.480 --> 0:14:48.520 they stress scheduling a lot with kids with like Asperger's 0:14:48.880 --> 0:14:52.360 uh and autism, but it's a big deal. Period. You 0:14:52.360 --> 0:14:54.800 should get your kids on the schedule. Kids like knowing 0:14:54.840 --> 0:14:57.480 what to expect. They don't like shirballs. If you have 0:14:57.520 --> 0:15:01.160 to make your own bowl of cereal at age like two, Yeah, 0:15:01.360 --> 0:15:03.520 the parent needs to take some time and figure out 0:15:03.600 --> 0:15:06.840 what's going wrong here with water? Yeah remember that what 0:15:06.920 --> 0:15:10.280 was that Friday's Yeah, when they did that milk. Yeah, 0:15:10.400 --> 0:15:12.800 that's funny that you said that, because I just remembered yesterday. 0:15:12.840 --> 0:15:15.160 What a good movie Friday? Oh yeah, it was really funny. 0:15:15.200 --> 0:15:18.440 It's wonderful. Uh. Okay, So get your kids on a schedule. 0:15:18.600 --> 0:15:22.520 That's a big one. This is this is preventing yes um, 0:15:22.560 --> 0:15:27.720 temper tantrum. And that's regular sleep, regular feeding, uh, regular 0:15:27.760 --> 0:15:31.160 interaction any kind of thing they can rely on is 0:15:31.480 --> 0:15:33.320 going to help, Like chill your kid out and get 0:15:33.360 --> 0:15:36.240 them stable. And remember, um, one of the things one 0:15:36.320 --> 0:15:40.520 of the bases of temper tantrums is frustration. Yeah, and 0:15:40.640 --> 0:15:43.000 one way around that is to give your kid make 0:15:43.040 --> 0:15:45.400 them feel empowered. Yeah. I like this bit of advice. 0:15:45.440 --> 0:15:47.960 I thought that was spot on. So like in this article, 0:15:48.080 --> 0:15:52.280 I think Conger says, um, if your kid hates putting 0:15:52.280 --> 0:15:56.600 shoes on, basically distract them by saying, hey, big boy, 0:15:56.720 --> 0:15:58.800 do you want to wear your duck boots or your 0:15:58.800 --> 0:16:03.720 cowboy boots? You you choose to you, Yeah, sort of 0:16:03.760 --> 0:16:06.640 like heading them off with the peopleton. You still have 0:16:06.720 --> 0:16:09.440 to wear shoes, but you get to choose which one. Yeah, 0:16:09.480 --> 0:16:11.640 I've heard that's a pretty common thing, if because a 0:16:11.680 --> 0:16:13.560 lot of kids don't want to get dressed when they 0:16:13.560 --> 0:16:16.239 should or put on their shoes when they should. And um, 0:16:16.280 --> 0:16:18.920 a lot of parents now are like letting their kids 0:16:19.040 --> 0:16:22.320 dress themselves. Yeah you can tell. Yeah, but look around, 0:16:22.360 --> 0:16:24.200 I know, and it's I think it's great and fun 0:16:24.680 --> 0:16:27.760 to see little kids walking around these crazy outfits that 0:16:27.800 --> 0:16:30.160 they clearly picked out. It's like a love it. It's 0:16:30.200 --> 0:16:33.280 like many mental asylums all let out. It's like the 0:16:33.360 --> 0:16:36.600 Reagan era all over again. But for kids, I think 0:16:36.640 --> 0:16:42.600 it's awesome. Um okay, so empowering choices, great advice. So okay, 0:16:42.600 --> 0:16:44.960 you've taken these steps to avoid it, it's still not 0:16:45.000 --> 0:16:48.320 gonna do. Your kids still gonna have a temperature tantrum. 0:16:48.440 --> 0:16:52.920 It's just you can expect it. It's inevitable. Um. So, 0:16:53.040 --> 0:16:57.800 when a temper tantrum happens, here's the hard part. You 0:16:58.040 --> 0:17:04.440 have to stay calm. And apparently the the advice jure 0:17:05.480 --> 0:17:10.000 from parenting experts psychologists is ignore it. Yeah, this is 0:17:10.040 --> 0:17:13.080 not us talking, No, we researched this, and they say 0:17:13.080 --> 0:17:16.399 to try and ignore it. They say that that is 0:17:16.440 --> 0:17:20.240 the quickest way two to put an end to that 0:17:20.359 --> 0:17:24.480 particular tantrum. If they're not getting the attention, then they 0:17:24.480 --> 0:17:28.040 will quit sooner. Yeah, and that's what they say. So 0:17:28.080 --> 0:17:30.840 long as they're not hurting themselves or other people or 0:17:30.960 --> 0:17:34.679 destroying property. If they're just screaming and being a brat 0:17:34.680 --> 0:17:37.600 basically is what it amounts to, then ignoring it is 0:17:37.640 --> 0:17:41.359 the best course of action. The reason why is, um, 0:17:41.400 --> 0:17:44.280 if you say you are like, oh, I know, you 0:17:44.320 --> 0:17:46.280 feel so bad, and you pick them up and you 0:17:46.359 --> 0:17:50.440 hug them and everything. You're giving your kid positive reinforcement. 0:17:51.000 --> 0:17:54.200 You're saying, hey, scream your head off and I will 0:17:54.240 --> 0:17:57.359 pick you up and rub your back and comfort you. 0:17:57.359 --> 0:17:59.040 You don't want to do that. You want to remain 0:17:59.119 --> 0:18:03.159 neutral and basic, not associate this thing with anything during it. 0:18:03.359 --> 0:18:05.560 That's what I would do, especially in public, and just 0:18:05.600 --> 0:18:08.399 be like, man, who's a kid? Is that right? I'm 0:18:08.440 --> 0:18:10.600 gonna go over here and eat a box of neutral 0:18:10.640 --> 0:18:14.159 green bars by myself while this little kid finishes up, 0:18:14.440 --> 0:18:16.280 and I'll just pay for it at the register with 0:18:16.320 --> 0:18:19.240 an empty box and it's all good. Um. And the 0:18:19.440 --> 0:18:23.160 sense of shame. The other reason, and we're joking around here, 0:18:23.240 --> 0:18:26.480 this is if someone like I have friends who have 0:18:26.520 --> 0:18:28.800 had big trouble with this and it's not a laughing matter. 0:18:29.280 --> 0:18:31.479 It's really a lot of stress on a family. Oh, 0:18:31.640 --> 0:18:33.960 I can't imagine we joke because it's just what we 0:18:34.000 --> 0:18:37.000 always do. Another time, the guy in the grocery store 0:18:37.080 --> 0:18:40.760 gets to go see you later, good luck. Um. Another 0:18:40.800 --> 0:18:44.000 reason not to, like they say, to muffle that, is 0:18:44.040 --> 0:18:48.560 because there could be other underlying causes, like hearing problem 0:18:48.680 --> 0:18:52.840 or vision vision impairment that you won't notice um, if 0:18:52.840 --> 0:18:55.480 you're if you're not, just like you know, if you've 0:18:55.480 --> 0:18:57.720 got the kid buried in your chest. Yeah, it's weird. 0:18:57.760 --> 0:19:00.040 It's like you want to ignore it, let it and 0:19:00.160 --> 0:19:02.920 it's natural course watch it out of like the side 0:19:02.920 --> 0:19:07.000 of your eye, you know. Um, because you don't want them, like, 0:19:07.080 --> 0:19:08.960 you really don't want them to think you're paying any 0:19:08.960 --> 0:19:12.640 attention to them at all. And apparently when that's when 0:19:12.720 --> 0:19:15.920 that's done, it just runs its course and it's it's 0:19:15.960 --> 0:19:18.760 over with, and like we said earlier, the kid forgets 0:19:18.760 --> 0:19:21.480 even what was bothering him or her, you know, a 0:19:21.520 --> 0:19:24.480 few minutes afterward. Yeah, what you really don't want to 0:19:24.520 --> 0:19:29.040 do is punish the kid or reprimand the kid in 0:19:29.080 --> 0:19:31.280 the middle of a tantrum or right after a tantrum, 0:19:31.320 --> 0:19:34.520 because it's a natural thing it's going to happen. That 0:19:34.680 --> 0:19:38.520 is not a healthy approach to getting your child to 0:19:38.600 --> 0:19:40.960 not do something because they're two and three years old, 0:19:41.359 --> 0:19:43.400 and to be punished for something that they don't understand, 0:19:43.440 --> 0:19:46.000 it's just that's not gonna help anything. So what you 0:19:46.040 --> 0:19:50.560 do want to do is, after a meltdown has taken 0:19:50.600 --> 0:19:53.800 place and things are calm again, you want to take 0:19:53.880 --> 0:19:58.720 some time to explain to the kid basically what went 0:19:58.800 --> 0:20:02.719 wrong or it they didn't do. Let's say it's over 0:20:02.760 --> 0:20:07.159 the shoes again. You you they've just told you we 0:20:07.200 --> 0:20:10.119 need to talk about shoes again. Now that things are calm, 0:20:10.520 --> 0:20:12.440 we have to talk about shoes because I just had 0:20:12.440 --> 0:20:15.159 a meltdown about it. So now that they're calm, you 0:20:15.200 --> 0:20:18.439 have to say, you need to wear shoes because they 0:20:18.520 --> 0:20:21.560 protect your feet from all the terrible stuff that you 0:20:21.600 --> 0:20:24.359 can step on. That's why you have to wear shoes 0:20:24.359 --> 0:20:26.040 and put them on when I tell you too. And 0:20:26.080 --> 0:20:31.000 it's time to leave understanding the value of shoes right 0:20:31.880 --> 0:20:36.760 in a very understandable two year old way. Apparently you 0:20:36.800 --> 0:20:40.040 don't want to moralize it and say you better not 0:20:40.600 --> 0:20:42.439 you better not pitch a fit when I tell you 0:20:42.480 --> 0:20:45.640 to put your shoes on. Yeah, this happens every morning, right. 0:20:45.640 --> 0:20:47.840 That doesn't help. It doesn't help. And if your kid 0:20:47.920 --> 0:20:50.720 the next day says, well, I want to pick out 0:20:50.760 --> 0:20:53.480 my shoes today, mom, because they protect my feet, then 0:20:53.600 --> 0:20:56.280 you are you get a toy? Yeah, you get a 0:20:56.320 --> 0:21:01.280 big playmobile box set. Well, depend how much money you have, 0:21:02.040 --> 0:21:05.880 you could at least give them positive reinforcement in a cookie. Yeah, 0:21:05.960 --> 0:21:08.040 pour a pat on the head. You could also get 0:21:08.080 --> 0:21:11.480 a knockoff blood Mobile not in box set. That's fine. 0:21:11.680 --> 0:21:13.760 The kid doesn't know he's too. We got so many 0:21:13.840 --> 0:21:17.119 knockoff toys growing up. Have you seen that gallery of 0:21:17.400 --> 0:21:20.520 knockoffs toys that I made? It's great. If you have 0:21:20.600 --> 0:21:22.920 not seen a good check it out. And I think 0:21:22.920 --> 0:21:24.920 I had a few of those, did you really? Yeah? 0:21:24.960 --> 0:21:26.920 I mean my parents were teachers. We weren't like poor, 0:21:27.000 --> 0:21:29.240 but we didn't. You know, there were three kids. We 0:21:29.280 --> 0:21:34.280 didn't all get everything we wanted. I wanted the BMX Mangos, 0:21:34.760 --> 0:21:37.920 and I got the Sears Goose, you know. I wanted 0:21:38.000 --> 0:21:43.520 Pong again Sears like yeah, basically nights of their own 0:21:43.560 --> 0:21:46.520 table pretty much. Don't you remember that? Yeah? But I did. 0:21:47.119 --> 0:21:51.480 Look at me. Yeah, I never had brand name clothes, uh, 0:21:51.880 --> 0:21:53.639 unless they had, you know, like a button missing or 0:21:53.800 --> 0:21:56.200 the collar was miss shaping or something. Again, I don't 0:21:56.200 --> 0:22:00.399 think I can stress enough how awesome that gallery of 0:22:00.520 --> 0:22:04.400 beloved knockoff knockoffs of beloved toys that we've made that's 0:22:04.400 --> 0:22:07.720 on our site is it's great. Yeah, we'll repost it, 0:22:07.800 --> 0:22:11.760 but you can. You should definitely look under galleries. There's 0:22:11.800 --> 0:22:15.240 some real misses and I have to say, I remember 0:22:15.280 --> 0:22:17.320 going to plenty of stores as a kid and being 0:22:17.400 --> 0:22:19.520 told I could pick out a toy, but it was 0:22:19.560 --> 0:22:22.920 like something liquidators. Yeah, yeah, like what is this thing? 0:22:23.119 --> 0:22:26.440 Did you have any rich kid friends? Um? Yeah, they 0:22:26.440 --> 0:22:28.680 weren't like rich kids, but yeah there were something The 0:22:28.760 --> 0:22:31.280 parents were like lawyers and stuff like that. It's like 0:22:31.760 --> 0:22:34.280 at one particular that I was always just so like, 0:22:35.400 --> 0:22:37.440 his house was so cool. It was like a modern house, 0:22:37.800 --> 0:22:40.880 and back then I'd never seen a modern house. And 0:22:40.960 --> 0:22:43.560 he had, you know, the green machine and in television, 0:22:43.640 --> 0:22:47.720 and horses and a trampoline and a go kart and 0:22:47.720 --> 0:22:51.360 a motorcycle. Dude, get everything. Yeah, and look at him now, 0:22:52.160 --> 0:22:57.800 he's super successful and wealthy him. His parents raised him, right, 0:22:57.840 --> 0:23:01.080 they did. Okay, so we're gonna hit what you touched 0:23:01.119 --> 0:23:04.240 on earlier of when you might have a problem that's 0:23:04.240 --> 0:23:07.240 a little deeper than your average temper tantrum and they 0:23:07.240 --> 0:23:10.879 say three or more tantrums per day that lasts more 0:23:10.920 --> 0:23:15.399 than fifteen minutes could qualify as what is now called 0:23:15.640 --> 0:23:19.800 in the new d s M five disruptive mood disregulation 0:23:19.880 --> 0:23:25.720 disorder that depends that is um that depends on the 0:23:25.800 --> 0:23:31.280 age two. So there's a big hubbub yeah over this right, Yeah, 0:23:31.280 --> 0:23:33.840 because it was just added to the new d s 0:23:33.960 --> 0:23:38.560