1 00:00:00,080 --> 00:00:02,760 Speaker 1: When you say yes and it's not what you really 2 00:00:02,840 --> 00:00:07,320 Speaker 1: want to say. Well, you may not have some anxiety initially, 3 00:00:07,680 --> 00:00:11,320 Speaker 1: but that anxiety that you build later on, and the 4 00:00:11,400 --> 00:00:15,880 Speaker 1: resentment around that and feeling that you have committed yourself 5 00:00:16,160 --> 00:00:19,160 Speaker 1: to something that just makes you plain crazy, well that 6 00:00:19,280 --> 00:00:28,760 Speaker 1: becomes overwhelming. 7 00:00:35,200 --> 00:00:37,680 Speaker 2: Hey, everybody, em Leah Badi here coming to you live 8 00:00:37,840 --> 00:00:41,520 Speaker 2: from the AG studio. You are listening to another installment 9 00:00:41,600 --> 00:00:44,400 Speaker 2: of Hurdle Moment from Hurdle a Well on this focus 10 00:00:44,400 --> 00:00:46,919 Speaker 2: podcast where I connect with everyone from your favorite athletes 11 00:00:46,920 --> 00:00:50,440 Speaker 2: to top experts and industry CEOs about their highest highs, 12 00:00:50,680 --> 00:00:54,400 Speaker 2: toughest moments, and everything in between. We all go through 13 00:00:54,480 --> 00:00:57,360 Speaker 2: hurdles in life, and my goal through these discussions is 14 00:00:57,400 --> 00:01:00,840 Speaker 2: to empower you to better navigate yours, but with intention, 15 00:01:01,120 --> 00:01:03,520 Speaker 2: so that you can stride towards your own big potential 16 00:01:03,800 --> 00:01:07,199 Speaker 2: and of course have some fun along the way. 17 00:01:07,560 --> 00:01:09,360 Speaker 3: Maybe you're new to the show, maybe you're. 18 00:01:09,200 --> 00:01:11,440 Speaker 2: Not, but at the beginning of the season, it's always 19 00:01:11,440 --> 00:01:14,080 Speaker 2: a great time to reiterate that the topics that I 20 00:01:14,120 --> 00:01:17,120 Speaker 2: cover here on heard All there are about all aspects 21 00:01:17,400 --> 00:01:19,880 Speaker 2: of wellness right, not just our physical wellness, but our 22 00:01:19,920 --> 00:01:23,800 Speaker 2: mental health, our financial health, our sexual health. 23 00:01:23,640 --> 00:01:25,959 Speaker 3: Our emotional health. You get the idea. 24 00:01:26,120 --> 00:01:29,039 Speaker 2: So today we are getting into the mental side of 25 00:01:29,080 --> 00:01:33,200 Speaker 2: things with my new friend, doctor Jeff Gardair. Now. 26 00:01:33,240 --> 00:01:35,559 Speaker 3: Doctor Jeff has a slew of accolades. 27 00:01:35,560 --> 00:01:39,080 Speaker 2: He's a trained psychologist who works with both individuals and couples, 28 00:01:39,120 --> 00:01:42,280 Speaker 2: and today he's working with us to talk about how 29 00:01:42,319 --> 00:01:45,600 Speaker 2: to say no. It's something that can be pretty challenging, 30 00:01:46,080 --> 00:01:49,640 Speaker 2: regardless of the circumstance, right because so often we want 31 00:01:49,680 --> 00:01:51,680 Speaker 2: to do right by the people that we care about, 32 00:01:51,760 --> 00:01:55,520 Speaker 2: or perhaps in our professional relationships, our romantic relationships, but 33 00:01:55,960 --> 00:01:59,360 Speaker 2: we also need to do right by us and uphold 34 00:01:59,400 --> 00:02:01,920 Speaker 2: our boundary. He's a buzzword that I talk about a 35 00:02:01,920 --> 00:02:04,440 Speaker 2: lot with doctor Jeff today. A lot of really great 36 00:02:04,480 --> 00:02:06,760 Speaker 2: takeaways in this conversation. And the holidays can be a 37 00:02:06,800 --> 00:02:08,960 Speaker 2: stressful time of year, a time of year that it 38 00:02:09,000 --> 00:02:11,720 Speaker 2: may be helpful for you to exercise your know a 39 00:02:11,800 --> 00:02:14,280 Speaker 2: little bit more. So, hopefully you can do that a 40 00:02:14,320 --> 00:02:18,000 Speaker 2: little bit easier with the tips and tricks from doctor Jeff. 41 00:02:18,480 --> 00:02:21,400 Speaker 3: Make sure you're following along with Hurdle over on social media. 42 00:02:21,440 --> 00:02:23,640 Speaker 3: It's at Hurdle Podcasts. I'm over at Emilia Body. 43 00:02:23,960 --> 00:02:26,040 Speaker 2: I know I promoted this earlier this week, but I 44 00:02:26,080 --> 00:02:29,080 Speaker 2: am hosting a goal setting workshop. In fact, I'm hosting 45 00:02:29,080 --> 00:02:31,799 Speaker 2: two of them in the next few weeks, setting things 46 00:02:31,840 --> 00:02:33,639 Speaker 2: up for twenty twenty two, and I would love to 47 00:02:33,680 --> 00:02:36,720 Speaker 2: see you there. All the details on this super intimate 48 00:02:36,840 --> 00:02:40,240 Speaker 2: opportunity are in the show notes as well as the 49 00:02:40,280 --> 00:02:43,080 Speaker 2: link to sign up. Plus, do not forget if you 50 00:02:43,240 --> 00:02:46,359 Speaker 2: have yet to snag yourself some hurdle merch or want 51 00:02:46,360 --> 00:02:48,880 Speaker 2: to get in on some past hurdle sessions, you can 52 00:02:48,919 --> 00:02:50,920 Speaker 2: do all of that by checking out the shop over 53 00:02:51,000 --> 00:02:52,600 Speaker 2: on the website at hurdle. 54 00:02:52,400 --> 00:02:54,400 Speaker 3: Dot Us slash shop. 55 00:02:54,440 --> 00:02:57,239 Speaker 2: We've got sweatshirts, You've got hats, you've got mugs, and again, 56 00:02:57,240 --> 00:03:00,200 Speaker 2: we've got tons of hurdle sessions and everything from how 57 00:03:00,200 --> 00:03:03,560 Speaker 2: to start in state running to a self guided goal 58 00:03:03,600 --> 00:03:06,000 Speaker 2: setting workshop that you can do on demand in your 59 00:03:06,080 --> 00:03:06,919 Speaker 2: own time. 60 00:03:07,240 --> 00:03:07,799 Speaker 3: Last, but not. 61 00:03:07,800 --> 00:03:10,359 Speaker 2: Least, to all of you doing the Lease Up challenge, 62 00:03:10,520 --> 00:03:12,480 Speaker 2: I commend you. I love following along with you, and 63 00:03:12,520 --> 00:03:15,680 Speaker 2: I love being inspired to move. Thanks to all of 64 00:03:15,720 --> 00:03:17,960 Speaker 2: you showing up on Instagram day in and day out, 65 00:03:18,160 --> 00:03:20,720 Speaker 2: I am giving away a slew of prizes throughout the 66 00:03:20,760 --> 00:03:23,720 Speaker 2: month for those individuals. The hurdlers that want to join 67 00:03:23,760 --> 00:03:26,360 Speaker 2: me in doing this. For more details, heading over to 68 00:03:26,360 --> 00:03:28,840 Speaker 2: the Hurdle Instagram. Again, that's over at Hurdle Podcasts to 69 00:03:28,880 --> 00:03:31,960 Speaker 2: find out how you can get moving, stay accountable, and 70 00:03:32,000 --> 00:03:35,480 Speaker 2: of course, like I said, win some really awesome prizes 71 00:03:36,120 --> 00:03:38,480 Speaker 2: with that. Well, let's get to hurdling. 72 00:03:48,360 --> 00:03:51,680 Speaker 3: Today. I'm sitting down with doctor Jeffrey Guardaer. 73 00:03:51,960 --> 00:03:56,160 Speaker 2: He is a board certified clinical psychologist and Associate Professor 74 00:03:56,200 --> 00:04:00,240 Speaker 2: and Course Director of Behavioral Medicine at Toro College of 75 00:04:00,360 --> 00:04:03,640 Speaker 2: Osteopathic Medicine here in New York City. How are you 76 00:04:03,680 --> 00:04:04,200 Speaker 2: doing today? 77 00:04:04,640 --> 00:04:07,080 Speaker 1: I'm doing well. Thank you for having me, Emily. I'm 78 00:04:07,080 --> 00:04:08,680 Speaker 1: really excited to be here with you. 79 00:04:08,960 --> 00:04:12,080 Speaker 2: Oh. I love the enthusiasm right off the bat. So 80 00:04:12,840 --> 00:04:14,839 Speaker 2: it's cool if I call you doctor Jeff. 81 00:04:14,520 --> 00:04:17,479 Speaker 1: Then absolutely, I mean call me anything you want, just 82 00:04:17,480 --> 00:04:18,760 Speaker 1: don't call me late for supper. 83 00:04:18,839 --> 00:04:22,200 Speaker 3: But jokes, He's got jokes. Everyone. 84 00:04:22,279 --> 00:04:25,000 Speaker 2: Well, me and doctor jeff today, we are here to 85 00:04:25,080 --> 00:04:28,640 Speaker 2: talk about how to say no without shame or guilt. Now, 86 00:04:28,640 --> 00:04:31,640 Speaker 2: before we get into the meat and potatoes of what 87 00:04:31,680 --> 00:04:33,640 Speaker 2: we're really here to talk about today, I would love 88 00:04:33,839 --> 00:04:35,800 Speaker 2: for us to learn a little bit about you, get 89 00:04:35,839 --> 00:04:39,440 Speaker 2: some context about how you got to be where you're 90 00:04:39,440 --> 00:04:40,320 Speaker 2: at today in your career. 91 00:04:40,440 --> 00:04:42,719 Speaker 3: So give us the look, give us the four one one. 92 00:04:43,279 --> 00:04:47,240 Speaker 1: I'm a Haitian American. Let's start there. And my parents 93 00:04:47,279 --> 00:04:52,200 Speaker 1: came to from Haiti to the United States in nineteen 94 00:04:53,240 --> 00:04:57,240 Speaker 1: fifty four. Believe it or not, so being a first 95 00:04:57,279 --> 00:05:04,080 Speaker 1: generation Haitian American certainly was something that impacted my life 96 00:05:04,120 --> 00:05:09,120 Speaker 1: because being someone from the Caribbean, for me, it's always been, 97 00:05:09,560 --> 00:05:11,800 Speaker 1: you know, being a stranger in a strange land and 98 00:05:11,960 --> 00:05:16,280 Speaker 1: always having to do better and always studying and always 99 00:05:16,320 --> 00:05:19,640 Speaker 1: working harder. And that's what my parents always taught me 100 00:05:20,279 --> 00:05:23,839 Speaker 1: from the very beginning. Because you are a person of color, 101 00:05:24,600 --> 00:05:28,200 Speaker 1: you have to, you know, have higher standards for yourself 102 00:05:28,240 --> 00:05:30,240 Speaker 1: because people are going to judge you in a very 103 00:05:30,279 --> 00:05:34,680 Speaker 1: different way. And very early on, being that I spent 104 00:05:34,760 --> 00:05:37,080 Speaker 1: most of my life in Brooklyn and going to Brooklyn 105 00:05:37,080 --> 00:05:40,880 Speaker 1: Tech High School, which are very close to I found 106 00:05:40,880 --> 00:05:47,040 Speaker 1: myself studying psychology because I noticed that my friends, who 107 00:05:47,120 --> 00:05:50,880 Speaker 1: most of them were white at the time, would judge 108 00:05:50,920 --> 00:05:53,359 Speaker 1: me in a different way. They judge me by the 109 00:05:53,400 --> 00:05:56,320 Speaker 1: color of my skin and not by the content of 110 00:05:56,360 --> 00:05:58,640 Speaker 1: my character. If I may steal a line from doctor 111 00:05:58,680 --> 00:06:04,200 Speaker 1: Martin Luther King Junior, right, And so I thought, if 112 00:06:04,240 --> 00:06:08,640 Speaker 1: you're looking at someone based on what's on the surface 113 00:06:08,760 --> 00:06:12,719 Speaker 1: and not what's on the inside, is that a mental 114 00:06:12,760 --> 00:06:17,880 Speaker 1: health challenge? Is it a mental health challenge or even 115 00:06:17,920 --> 00:06:24,320 Speaker 1: illness when you project negativity onto other people where you 116 00:06:24,520 --> 00:06:29,599 Speaker 1: demonize other people based on things that have no truth 117 00:06:29,839 --> 00:06:32,800 Speaker 1: in reality. And so from a very young age, I 118 00:06:32,839 --> 00:06:36,320 Speaker 1: wanted to be a psychologist. And then of course when 119 00:06:36,360 --> 00:06:39,840 Speaker 1: I went to college and started studying psychology, it was 120 00:06:39,880 --> 00:06:42,599 Speaker 1: a perfect fit for me. And so it was always 121 00:06:42,680 --> 00:06:46,120 Speaker 1: about not judging other people for me, because that's what 122 00:06:46,160 --> 00:06:48,080 Speaker 1: I felt was happening to me, and I didn't want 123 00:06:48,080 --> 00:06:50,120 Speaker 1: to do the same thing because I knew what that 124 00:06:50,160 --> 00:06:53,320 Speaker 1: felt like, but trying to understand where they came from, 125 00:06:53,880 --> 00:07:00,560 Speaker 1: where these thoughts perhaps were finding, you know, fruit in 126 00:07:00,640 --> 00:07:05,679 Speaker 1: order to continue to look at people in very negative ways. 127 00:07:06,160 --> 00:07:08,440 Speaker 1: And so that's what I've spent my whole life doing 128 00:07:08,560 --> 00:07:12,800 Speaker 1: being a psychologist, helping people be more centered to the 129 00:07:12,880 --> 00:07:17,960 Speaker 1: truth and reality, helping them understand how they should walk 130 00:07:18,000 --> 00:07:23,240 Speaker 1: in another person's shoes before judging, helping them have empathy. 131 00:07:23,440 --> 00:07:26,400 Speaker 1: And I've done that through my private practice. I've done 132 00:07:26,440 --> 00:07:29,640 Speaker 1: that as a professor as you mentioned at Turo College 133 00:07:29,640 --> 00:07:33,880 Speaker 1: of Osteopathic Medicine. I've done it in my books. I've 134 00:07:33,920 --> 00:07:37,960 Speaker 1: done it as a talking head. And so that's my 135 00:07:38,120 --> 00:07:41,200 Speaker 1: mission in life, Emily, to be able to work with 136 00:07:41,320 --> 00:07:45,600 Speaker 1: people about having a healthier life, not just in interacting 137 00:07:45,640 --> 00:07:48,960 Speaker 1: with other people, but into realizing who they are and 138 00:07:49,240 --> 00:07:50,400 Speaker 1: reaching their potential. 139 00:07:50,840 --> 00:07:53,720 Speaker 2: It really sounds like you were kind of wise beyond 140 00:07:53,800 --> 00:07:57,640 Speaker 2: your years from a young age, realizing that you wanted 141 00:07:57,720 --> 00:08:01,880 Speaker 2: to think more broadly and think a little bit deeper, 142 00:08:02,240 --> 00:08:05,440 Speaker 2: looking at the person on the inside rather than just 143 00:08:05,560 --> 00:08:07,960 Speaker 2: judging someone by their character on the outside, and perhaps 144 00:08:08,160 --> 00:08:11,800 Speaker 2: maybe harnessing some what could have been anger or feelings 145 00:08:11,800 --> 00:08:14,560 Speaker 2: of resentment and trying to spin those around to do 146 00:08:14,640 --> 00:08:16,840 Speaker 2: something good with that. Yeah. 147 00:08:17,280 --> 00:08:22,520 Speaker 1: Look, we know that one in five people are in 148 00:08:22,640 --> 00:08:26,360 Speaker 1: need of some sort of mental health services based on 149 00:08:27,240 --> 00:08:31,720 Speaker 1: the kinds of emotional issues that they have, and quite 150 00:08:31,760 --> 00:08:36,080 Speaker 1: often they don't get that help, and so they internalize 151 00:08:36,120 --> 00:08:39,400 Speaker 1: a lot of that. It causes a lot of anxiety, 152 00:08:39,640 --> 00:08:43,679 Speaker 1: a lot of depression. They're not true to themselves in 153 00:08:43,760 --> 00:08:48,000 Speaker 1: many ways, and so I think it's really important that 154 00:08:48,080 --> 00:08:51,720 Speaker 1: we work on ourselves, not just look at other people 155 00:08:52,160 --> 00:08:55,679 Speaker 1: and what their faults or issues are, but to really 156 00:08:55,720 --> 00:08:58,640 Speaker 1: be able to work with our own selves and being 157 00:08:58,679 --> 00:09:02,120 Speaker 1: the best people that we can possibly be, being the 158 00:09:02,120 --> 00:09:06,080 Speaker 1: best individual, the best family member, the best community member, 159 00:09:06,360 --> 00:09:09,640 Speaker 1: because when you do that, then you're able to give 160 00:09:09,720 --> 00:09:12,720 Speaker 1: that back, you know, to everyone who's around you. 161 00:09:13,200 --> 00:09:16,640 Speaker 2: Yeah, and I'm sure like your studies have influence to 162 00:09:16,720 --> 00:09:22,360 Speaker 2: that perspective and that stance, But I would almost assume 163 00:09:22,440 --> 00:09:26,320 Speaker 2: that you probably didn't always or weren't always able to 164 00:09:26,440 --> 00:09:29,920 Speaker 2: look at it through that lens. Do you recall maybe 165 00:09:29,960 --> 00:09:33,480 Speaker 2: in your upbringing a certain experience or a moment where 166 00:09:33,960 --> 00:09:37,360 Speaker 2: you had difficulty kind of like taking a step back 167 00:09:37,440 --> 00:09:41,320 Speaker 2: and reflecting in that way, perhaps getting a little frustrated 168 00:09:41,520 --> 00:09:43,359 Speaker 2: or angry at a certain scenario. 169 00:09:43,920 --> 00:09:48,120 Speaker 1: I think perhaps that happened within my first marriage, where 170 00:09:48,760 --> 00:09:52,840 Speaker 1: I felt very misunderstood and it was easy to settle 171 00:09:52,960 --> 00:09:56,960 Speaker 1: into my own misery and pain and not see things 172 00:09:57,440 --> 00:10:01,520 Speaker 1: from my exis now my ex, but at the time 173 00:10:01,600 --> 00:10:05,600 Speaker 1: my spouse's point of view. Since that time, it has 174 00:10:05,800 --> 00:10:09,440 Speaker 1: made me a better therapist in working with other people 175 00:10:09,840 --> 00:10:13,400 Speaker 1: with whatever their issues are. The other part to answer 176 00:10:13,440 --> 00:10:17,199 Speaker 1: that question, it was a great question, is my frustration 177 00:10:17,400 --> 00:10:20,640 Speaker 1: with my own mental health challenges you know, dealing with 178 00:10:20,720 --> 00:10:24,280 Speaker 1: my own anxiety, which I had a lot of anxiety, 179 00:10:24,840 --> 00:10:27,240 Speaker 1: and I've dealt with that throughout my own life, some 180 00:10:27,360 --> 00:10:33,280 Speaker 1: generalized anxiety, some issues with OCD, some issues with hypochondriasis, 181 00:10:33,320 --> 00:10:35,360 Speaker 1: you know, the fear of getting illnesses. And as I've 182 00:10:35,400 --> 00:10:38,520 Speaker 1: gotten older and with therapy, I've really been able to 183 00:10:38,559 --> 00:10:42,400 Speaker 1: manage that and in many ways it influenced my work 184 00:10:43,000 --> 00:10:46,640 Speaker 1: being with ROW which is one of the organizations that 185 00:10:46,760 --> 00:10:50,560 Speaker 1: brought me, the organization that brought me to you, where 186 00:10:51,360 --> 00:10:56,520 Speaker 1: we've been able to work online with people around issues, 187 00:10:56,559 --> 00:10:59,840 Speaker 1: medical issues, with a lot of people who are dealing 188 00:10:59,920 --> 00:11:05,640 Speaker 1: with with anxiety and depression. So really taking that personal 189 00:11:05,720 --> 00:11:09,400 Speaker 1: pain and turning it into power and being able then 190 00:11:09,720 --> 00:11:13,240 Speaker 1: to put that out there for as many people as possible. 191 00:11:13,520 --> 00:11:15,959 Speaker 1: And you know, I don't have to tell you how 192 00:11:16,000 --> 00:11:19,920 Speaker 1: many people are dealing with anxiety. That is the major 193 00:11:20,040 --> 00:11:22,480 Speaker 1: issue of our times. You know a lot of people 194 00:11:22,600 --> 00:11:26,319 Speaker 1: dealing with depression. But being able to bring a vehicle 195 00:11:26,400 --> 00:11:29,760 Speaker 1: to people where they can easily, for example, go online 196 00:11:30,080 --> 00:11:33,040 Speaker 1: and avail themselves of the types of services that we 197 00:11:33,120 --> 00:11:33,559 Speaker 1: have for them. 198 00:11:33,640 --> 00:11:35,720 Speaker 2: Talk to me just a little bit more about ROW 199 00:11:35,760 --> 00:11:38,120 Speaker 2: Mind and what it has to offer. 200 00:11:38,280 --> 00:11:41,720 Speaker 1: You know, I'm an advisory board member with Rowmind, So 201 00:11:41,800 --> 00:11:45,559 Speaker 1: I was with Rowe the company from the very beginning. 202 00:11:45,960 --> 00:11:48,800 Speaker 1: A lot of people know them around medications with the 203 00:11:48,880 --> 00:11:53,240 Speaker 1: rectile dysfunction and general health issues and so on, and 204 00:11:53,280 --> 00:11:55,959 Speaker 1: then we had the spin off of row Mind and 205 00:11:56,240 --> 00:12:01,120 Speaker 1: it is a really great vehicle where people can go online. 206 00:12:01,800 --> 00:12:05,640 Speaker 1: They take an online assessment and if it is something 207 00:12:05,640 --> 00:12:09,800 Speaker 1: where we see the person can use some assistance, then 208 00:12:09,840 --> 00:12:13,600 Speaker 1: they get a one on one, you know, session online 209 00:12:14,040 --> 00:12:16,880 Speaker 1: and that provider is able to work with them with 210 00:12:16,960 --> 00:12:20,199 Speaker 1: whatever their needs may be, whether it may be FDA 211 00:12:20,200 --> 00:12:25,080 Speaker 1: approof medication for anxiety or depression, or whether it might 212 00:12:25,120 --> 00:12:30,559 Speaker 1: be you know, psycho educational services through virtual sessions, which 213 00:12:30,679 --> 00:12:34,559 Speaker 1: I provide some of those virtual sessions along with some 214 00:12:34,600 --> 00:12:37,959 Speaker 1: great providers, and so we check on them, we give 215 00:12:38,000 --> 00:12:42,920 Speaker 1: them empowerment strategies. So it's really one stop shopping to 216 00:12:43,000 --> 00:12:46,520 Speaker 1: be able to deal with issues around anxiety and depression. 217 00:12:46,640 --> 00:12:49,560 Speaker 3: Great good to know. Okay, so we've got the basics. 218 00:12:49,640 --> 00:12:52,520 Speaker 2: We know how you got into this line of work, 219 00:12:52,559 --> 00:12:55,240 Speaker 2: how it is something that has always interested you. Now 220 00:12:55,400 --> 00:12:58,680 Speaker 2: over here again to talk about specifically today is how 221 00:12:58,720 --> 00:13:03,320 Speaker 2: to say no right and it seems so simple, like 222 00:13:03,400 --> 00:13:07,959 Speaker 2: it's just one syllable no, But man, it is so 223 00:13:08,800 --> 00:13:12,920 Speaker 2: not that easy. So to start us off here, why 224 00:13:12,960 --> 00:13:16,839 Speaker 2: do you think so many of us have so much 225 00:13:16,880 --> 00:13:21,200 Speaker 2: I would say anxiety or difficulty saying no. 226 00:13:21,440 --> 00:13:24,199 Speaker 1: There is a lot of anxiety with it, right, because 227 00:13:24,240 --> 00:13:30,240 Speaker 1: we are a society Emily that really wants to please 228 00:13:30,360 --> 00:13:33,880 Speaker 1: other people. We don't want to be on the other 229 00:13:34,080 --> 00:13:42,320 Speaker 1: side of people feeling displeasure about us. We want to 230 00:13:42,360 --> 00:13:46,560 Speaker 1: make sure that everyone likes us. You really do love me, 231 00:13:46,679 --> 00:13:50,079 Speaker 1: don't you. You really do like me, don't you. And 232 00:13:50,120 --> 00:13:53,240 Speaker 1: so to say no to someone, we're afraid of what 233 00:13:53,440 --> 00:13:57,000 Speaker 1: their reaction may be, whether they cut us off, whether 234 00:13:57,040 --> 00:14:00,280 Speaker 1: they're angry with us, whether they're frustrated with us us, 235 00:14:01,600 --> 00:14:05,080 Speaker 1: whether they might be angry with us. And so I 236 00:14:05,160 --> 00:14:10,800 Speaker 1: think that in this society, to say no just carries 237 00:14:11,400 --> 00:14:17,720 Speaker 1: so much of those thoughts of rejection, of anxiety with 238 00:14:17,880 --> 00:14:21,320 Speaker 1: saying no. So it just becomes easy to just say yes. 239 00:14:21,840 --> 00:14:24,480 Speaker 1: But what people don't realize is when you say yes 240 00:14:25,040 --> 00:14:27,800 Speaker 1: and it's not what you really want to say. Well, 241 00:14:27,920 --> 00:14:32,239 Speaker 1: you may not have some anxiety initially, but that anxiety 242 00:14:32,280 --> 00:14:36,240 Speaker 1: that you build later on and the resentment around that 243 00:14:36,680 --> 00:14:40,320 Speaker 1: and feeling that you have committed yourself to something that 244 00:14:40,440 --> 00:14:44,720 Speaker 1: just makes you plain crazy, Well, that becomes overwhelming. 245 00:14:44,920 --> 00:14:48,080 Speaker 2: Right, And so to put up a boundary, And that's 246 00:14:48,360 --> 00:14:51,320 Speaker 2: the word that I'd like to really focus on right now, 247 00:14:51,520 --> 00:14:55,920 Speaker 2: is this word boundaries, because oftentimes once you can articulate 248 00:14:56,040 --> 00:15:00,200 Speaker 2: what your personal boundaries are, then it may because I'm 249 00:15:00,240 --> 00:15:04,200 Speaker 2: a little bit easier to say no. Now, why can 250 00:15:04,440 --> 00:15:08,560 Speaker 2: articulating our boundaries make saying no feel a little bit 251 00:15:08,600 --> 00:15:09,560 Speaker 2: easier at times? 252 00:15:10,440 --> 00:15:15,240 Speaker 1: Well, because we are able to in many ways let 253 00:15:15,280 --> 00:15:19,520 Speaker 1: people know how far we are willing to go. That's 254 00:15:19,520 --> 00:15:23,200 Speaker 1: why boundaries are important. I mean, that's why we have skin, right, 255 00:15:23,240 --> 00:15:26,840 Speaker 1: because we don't want people to get in the nerves. Right, 256 00:15:27,080 --> 00:15:30,360 Speaker 1: That's why we wear clothes because we don't want to 257 00:15:30,400 --> 00:15:34,280 Speaker 1: be too cold. So those things are very protective. So 258 00:15:34,480 --> 00:15:38,480 Speaker 1: it's important to people to just say what their boundaries are. 259 00:15:38,680 --> 00:15:40,440 Speaker 1: And you know, at the end of the day, it's 260 00:15:40,560 --> 00:15:44,840 Speaker 1: just like when we talk about where couples may have arguments, 261 00:15:44,880 --> 00:15:47,560 Speaker 1: and we say it's healthy to have arguments as long 262 00:15:47,600 --> 00:15:51,040 Speaker 1: as you know what the ground rules are. And boundaries 263 00:15:51,040 --> 00:15:54,600 Speaker 1: are really the ground rules. And people can't by the way, 264 00:15:54,840 --> 00:15:58,720 Speaker 1: they can't read minds. Most people can't read minds right, 265 00:15:59,840 --> 00:16:03,400 Speaker 1: and therefore you have to let people know what the 266 00:16:03,440 --> 00:16:06,680 Speaker 1: boundaries are. I don't think it's fair to let people 267 00:16:06,920 --> 00:16:10,560 Speaker 1: guess what they are, because then you become very displeased 268 00:16:10,560 --> 00:16:13,960 Speaker 1: with them. They become very upset with themselves because now 269 00:16:13,960 --> 00:16:17,240 Speaker 1: they've crossed boundaries that they're not aware of. It's really, 270 00:16:17,360 --> 00:16:21,040 Speaker 1: I think so much easier if we let people know 271 00:16:21,360 --> 00:16:25,720 Speaker 1: what the boundaries are, because then it'll be easier for 272 00:16:25,840 --> 00:16:29,200 Speaker 1: them to interact with us because they know what the 273 00:16:29,280 --> 00:16:30,560 Speaker 1: rules of the game. 274 00:16:30,320 --> 00:16:33,360 Speaker 3: Are, right, right, And I think I mean. 275 00:16:33,400 --> 00:16:35,680 Speaker 2: An example I feel like I bring up often when 276 00:16:35,680 --> 00:16:38,680 Speaker 2: it comes to setting boundaries is, for example, I run 277 00:16:38,720 --> 00:16:41,920 Speaker 2: a lot, and during a marathon training season, I often 278 00:16:42,040 --> 00:16:45,520 Speaker 2: run long so to speak, on Saturday mornings, which means 279 00:16:45,560 --> 00:16:48,320 Speaker 2: that I have a personal boundary that my Friday nights 280 00:16:48,360 --> 00:16:50,880 Speaker 2: are kind of sacred, right. It means that I'm going 281 00:16:50,920 --> 00:16:53,120 Speaker 2: to be in bed trying to get to bed at 282 00:16:53,160 --> 00:16:56,680 Speaker 2: the latest around ten maybe ten thirty. That's on the 283 00:16:56,760 --> 00:17:00,640 Speaker 2: late side for me, and so saying no to things 284 00:17:00,720 --> 00:17:03,520 Speaker 2: on Fridays, I would have shame or guilt about that 285 00:17:03,560 --> 00:17:06,239 Speaker 2: because I know what my bigger goal is and that 286 00:17:06,280 --> 00:17:09,840 Speaker 2: bigger goal is both showing up to those Saturday runs 287 00:17:09,880 --> 00:17:12,280 Speaker 2: to get me to the ultimate goal of. 288 00:17:12,280 --> 00:17:13,480 Speaker 3: Being able to run a marathon. 289 00:17:13,960 --> 00:17:17,000 Speaker 2: Now, if I wasn't able to better articulate why these 290 00:17:17,040 --> 00:17:20,600 Speaker 2: things are important to me, then saying no to something 291 00:17:20,640 --> 00:17:22,760 Speaker 2: that could pop up on a Friday would prove to 292 00:17:22,800 --> 00:17:25,480 Speaker 2: be a lot more difficult, and I might be a 293 00:17:25,520 --> 00:17:28,399 Speaker 2: little bit more flexible on that. Now, if like my 294 00:17:28,520 --> 00:17:30,879 Speaker 2: best friend in the universe is having a birthday party 295 00:17:30,880 --> 00:17:32,359 Speaker 2: on the Friday for a long run, am I going 296 00:17:32,440 --> 00:17:32,800 Speaker 2: to say no? 297 00:17:33,320 --> 00:17:36,280 Speaker 3: Of course not, but to a lot of other things 298 00:17:36,640 --> 00:17:39,080 Speaker 3: more than likely. Yeah, that's that's how it's going to 299 00:17:39,119 --> 00:17:39,480 Speaker 3: go down. 300 00:17:39,720 --> 00:17:42,840 Speaker 1: Well, I agree with you, and I would say, even 301 00:17:42,880 --> 00:17:46,120 Speaker 1: with your best friend, you know, having a birthday party 302 00:17:46,359 --> 00:17:51,400 Speaker 1: and you know it's something that you really can't attend 303 00:17:51,520 --> 00:17:54,320 Speaker 1: or shouldn't be attending because you have a marathon the 304 00:17:54,359 --> 00:17:57,320 Speaker 1: next day or you're training for a marathon, I would 305 00:17:57,320 --> 00:18:01,159 Speaker 1: hope that friend, if they really try, really are a friend, 306 00:18:01,480 --> 00:18:05,800 Speaker 1: would understand your saying no. Now, the way you're saying 307 00:18:05,880 --> 00:18:10,199 Speaker 1: no is lovingly saying no, And you know that's one 308 00:18:10,240 --> 00:18:12,600 Speaker 1: of the things I'm sure we'll get into. How do 309 00:18:12,760 --> 00:18:16,840 Speaker 1: you say no? Right? So you know, being able to 310 00:18:16,960 --> 00:18:23,200 Speaker 1: let your best friend know know that and oh no 311 00:18:24,040 --> 00:18:27,280 Speaker 1: is being said in a loving way. I love you. 312 00:18:27,880 --> 00:18:30,960 Speaker 1: I would love to be there with you, but as 313 00:18:31,040 --> 00:18:35,480 Speaker 1: my friend, you would understand that the importance of sleep 314 00:18:36,040 --> 00:18:40,199 Speaker 1: and rest and rejuvenation for me to be able to 315 00:18:40,240 --> 00:18:43,680 Speaker 1: do the best that I can as far as training 316 00:18:43,800 --> 00:18:47,359 Speaker 1: or being in this marathon. That would be your birthday 317 00:18:47,400 --> 00:18:51,200 Speaker 1: gift to me to understand that. And we can always 318 00:18:51,440 --> 00:18:54,840 Speaker 1: celebrate your birthday, you know, perhaps at another time, or 319 00:18:54,920 --> 00:18:57,680 Speaker 1: I can come by much earlier, but then I would 320 00:18:57,680 --> 00:19:01,040 Speaker 1: have to leave, so it is it is easier. I mean, 321 00:19:01,080 --> 00:19:05,520 Speaker 1: I just love this topic. People really do accept and 322 00:19:05,920 --> 00:19:10,199 Speaker 1: oh no much more than we think. I think a 323 00:19:10,240 --> 00:19:12,640 Speaker 1: lot of the issue has to do with the person 324 00:19:12,920 --> 00:19:17,440 Speaker 1: who's afraid of saying no, versus the receiver that we 325 00:19:17,640 --> 00:19:21,399 Speaker 1: think may have an issue accepting the word no. 326 00:19:21,880 --> 00:19:24,840 Speaker 2: Yeah, And to your point before, it's that unknown right, 327 00:19:25,040 --> 00:19:29,679 Speaker 2: It's like we are programmed to often more often. 328 00:19:29,440 --> 00:19:30,840 Speaker 3: Than not, you know, people please. 329 00:19:30,880 --> 00:19:33,119 Speaker 2: We don't want to upset the people that we care about, 330 00:19:33,119 --> 00:19:36,720 Speaker 2: but sometimes in prioritizing everybody else's feelings and everybody else 331 00:19:36,760 --> 00:19:40,120 Speaker 2: as well being, we tend to put aside the things 332 00:19:40,160 --> 00:19:43,080 Speaker 2: that we know, or maybe we don't even know, but 333 00:19:43,160 --> 00:19:45,520 Speaker 2: that we really need absolutely. 334 00:19:45,680 --> 00:19:49,919 Speaker 1: I think it's also important for us to understand that 335 00:19:50,680 --> 00:19:55,240 Speaker 1: in being able to say no more often, perhaps we 336 00:19:55,359 --> 00:19:59,040 Speaker 1: really are treating our friends much much better because we're 337 00:19:59,040 --> 00:20:03,040 Speaker 1: not miserable. As you said, we're looking at some of 338 00:20:03,080 --> 00:20:06,879 Speaker 1: our own priorities. But by doing that, we are much 339 00:20:06,920 --> 00:20:11,000 Speaker 1: more available to them, maybe you know, a little bit 340 00:20:11,040 --> 00:20:15,080 Speaker 1: further in the future, or when they really need us, 341 00:20:15,359 --> 00:20:20,160 Speaker 1: because when we say yes, we mean yes, not yes 342 00:20:20,320 --> 00:20:23,480 Speaker 1: though I really want to say no. So again, it's 343 00:20:23,600 --> 00:20:29,800 Speaker 1: training yourself to understand saying no is not a bad thing. 344 00:20:30,359 --> 00:20:34,480 Speaker 1: No is not a bad thing. Think about it as parents, right, 345 00:20:34,760 --> 00:20:38,800 Speaker 1: if we said yes to our children through everything, we'd 346 00:20:38,840 --> 00:20:42,800 Speaker 1: have the most spoiled children on the face of the planet. 347 00:20:43,240 --> 00:20:46,960 Speaker 1: It's being able to say no that shows courage, but 348 00:20:47,080 --> 00:20:54,920 Speaker 1: it also shows love. It shows boundaries, It shows caring 349 00:20:55,600 --> 00:21:00,200 Speaker 1: because it really is about doing something that may be 350 00:21:00,359 --> 00:21:03,240 Speaker 1: somewhat difficult for you, but it really is to the 351 00:21:03,240 --> 00:21:07,480 Speaker 1: benefit not just of yourself, but of that other person too. 352 00:21:13,320 --> 00:21:15,719 Speaker 2: Taking a break from today's episode to talk to you 353 00:21:15,840 --> 00:21:19,439 Speaker 2: about my sponsors a first up inside Tracker. 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I think when it comes to shame or guilt, 412 00:24:23,800 --> 00:24:26,320 Speaker 2: this is where that really comes into play, because again, 413 00:24:26,440 --> 00:24:29,679 Speaker 2: you might have a friend who really wants you to 414 00:24:29,720 --> 00:24:32,119 Speaker 2: do something with them, or they really might want your 415 00:24:32,160 --> 00:24:34,959 Speaker 2: opinion on something that doesn't make you feel comfortable, and 416 00:24:35,359 --> 00:24:37,680 Speaker 2: at that point, like, what's someone even to do? 417 00:24:38,320 --> 00:24:43,920 Speaker 1: Mm hmm, I agree, I agree, And that's that I 418 00:24:43,960 --> 00:24:47,639 Speaker 1: think is when you are able to say that no, 419 00:24:48,240 --> 00:24:51,040 Speaker 1: the person should be able to accept it, not so 420 00:24:51,160 --> 00:24:56,040 Speaker 1: much challenge you, but more than anything else, be able 421 00:24:56,080 --> 00:24:59,240 Speaker 1: to say I respect that, and I respect that because 422 00:24:59,400 --> 00:25:02,440 Speaker 1: I care for you. You're allowed to say no. That's 423 00:25:02,480 --> 00:25:08,080 Speaker 1: what friendships are about. That's what respectful relationships are about. 424 00:25:08,400 --> 00:25:12,480 Speaker 1: Professional relationships are about being able to say no, being 425 00:25:12,520 --> 00:25:15,359 Speaker 1: able to say yes, but being true to yourself. 426 00:25:15,840 --> 00:25:19,000 Speaker 2: Yeah, and so what you mentioned before about perhaps the 427 00:25:19,080 --> 00:25:21,720 Speaker 2: quote unquote right way to say no, I think we 428 00:25:21,720 --> 00:25:23,879 Speaker 2: should home in on that just a little bit here. 429 00:25:24,640 --> 00:25:27,880 Speaker 2: I loved what you were saying about providing an alternative 430 00:25:27,960 --> 00:25:29,800 Speaker 2: for when something doesn't really work for you. 431 00:25:29,960 --> 00:25:31,560 Speaker 3: Let's chat about that a little bit. 432 00:25:31,680 --> 00:25:31,960 Speaker 1: Sure. 433 00:25:32,160 --> 00:25:33,200 Speaker 3: I have a great example. 434 00:25:33,359 --> 00:25:36,760 Speaker 2: I gotten a pattern of reaching out to a friend 435 00:25:36,840 --> 00:25:39,879 Speaker 2: and I realized after one or two times maybe of 436 00:25:39,960 --> 00:25:42,040 Speaker 2: asking her if she wanted to grab a bite one night, 437 00:25:42,560 --> 00:25:44,640 Speaker 2: that she came back to me and she said, Hey, 438 00:25:45,160 --> 00:25:46,560 Speaker 2: it's not that I don't want to grab And she 439 00:25:47,040 --> 00:25:49,880 Speaker 2: had said no both times, and she said, and maybe 440 00:25:49,880 --> 00:25:52,000 Speaker 2: it was the third time, Hey, it's not that I 441 00:25:52,000 --> 00:25:54,520 Speaker 2: don't want to get together with you. But during the week, 442 00:25:54,840 --> 00:25:57,920 Speaker 2: me and my partner try not to make plans unless 443 00:25:57,920 --> 00:26:01,400 Speaker 2: something really important comes up, because we plan on our 444 00:26:01,440 --> 00:26:03,399 Speaker 2: meals for the week. This is like our time to 445 00:26:03,440 --> 00:26:05,800 Speaker 2: reconnect at the end of the day. I'd love to 446 00:26:05,880 --> 00:26:09,359 Speaker 2: plan in advance with you to do something in either 447 00:26:09,440 --> 00:26:11,520 Speaker 2: a couple of weeks or on the weekend. So that 448 00:26:11,640 --> 00:26:14,240 Speaker 2: was a great example for me of someone saying no 449 00:26:14,480 --> 00:26:16,920 Speaker 2: about giving me some reasoning so that I could better 450 00:26:17,000 --> 00:26:18,320 Speaker 2: understand their boundaries. 451 00:26:18,960 --> 00:26:21,440 Speaker 1: I think, I think, I think that's a great example. 452 00:26:21,720 --> 00:26:24,200 Speaker 1: And that's one of the things that we can actually 453 00:26:24,240 --> 00:26:27,080 Speaker 1: do when we say no. Tell the person why we're 454 00:26:27,119 --> 00:26:29,119 Speaker 1: saying no. And by the way, when we're saying no, 455 00:26:29,160 --> 00:26:33,159 Speaker 1: we're not saying now, we're saying no. But here's the 456 00:26:33,240 --> 00:26:38,520 Speaker 1: reason why I'm not able to meet whatever your request is. 457 00:26:38,600 --> 00:26:41,760 Speaker 1: And I think that's great. But your example also brings 458 00:26:41,840 --> 00:26:45,200 Speaker 1: up something that that I see happen all the time 459 00:26:45,680 --> 00:26:50,280 Speaker 1: when someone makes a request and you keep giving an 460 00:26:50,400 --> 00:26:55,480 Speaker 1: excuse and delaying saying yes or no. Do you want 461 00:26:55,480 --> 00:27:00,240 Speaker 1: to get together for lunch? Well, uh, I have to 462 00:27:00,240 --> 00:27:02,639 Speaker 1: go to the dentist, you know. But if this crown 463 00:27:02,720 --> 00:27:06,560 Speaker 1: turns out, okay, yes, you know I can do that. 464 00:27:06,880 --> 00:27:09,840 Speaker 1: But if it doesn't, I don't know. Let you know, 465 00:27:10,119 --> 00:27:12,000 Speaker 1: let me get back to you next week. And you 466 00:27:12,160 --> 00:27:17,240 Speaker 1: keep doing that because maybe you really wanted to say 467 00:27:17,280 --> 00:27:20,480 Speaker 1: no right from the beginning, but you're afraid to say no, 468 00:27:20,920 --> 00:27:24,119 Speaker 1: so you delay, you delay, you delay to the point 469 00:27:24,160 --> 00:27:28,119 Speaker 1: where the other person who keeps requesting just says, you 470 00:27:28,160 --> 00:27:30,920 Speaker 1: know what, you don't have to say no, I'll say no, 471 00:27:31,320 --> 00:27:33,600 Speaker 1: I'm not going to ask you anymore. And you don't 472 00:27:33,600 --> 00:27:36,119 Speaker 1: want that kind of a situation, so you want to 473 00:27:36,160 --> 00:27:40,040 Speaker 1: bite the bullet. And if no is what you want 474 00:27:40,119 --> 00:27:42,560 Speaker 1: to say because you just don't want to do that 475 00:27:42,680 --> 00:27:45,359 Speaker 1: with that particular person, then just say no. 476 00:27:45,680 --> 00:27:49,240 Speaker 2: Sometimes we'll hear the you know, the thought of no 477 00:27:49,560 --> 00:27:53,359 Speaker 2: is enough in what circumstance is just your no? 478 00:27:54,200 --> 00:27:54,680 Speaker 3: Okay? 479 00:27:55,240 --> 00:27:58,400 Speaker 1: That's that. That's a tough question. I think people will 480 00:27:58,440 --> 00:28:03,360 Speaker 1: come back to you if you're not very certain in 481 00:28:03,400 --> 00:28:06,960 Speaker 1: your no. And let's take it to a place that 482 00:28:07,080 --> 00:28:10,479 Speaker 1: may be kind of tough. Right with dating, you know, 483 00:28:10,800 --> 00:28:14,440 Speaker 1: someone asks you out if you really don't see yourself 484 00:28:14,880 --> 00:28:18,320 Speaker 1: being with that person, you know you're not attracted, or 485 00:28:18,359 --> 00:28:21,840 Speaker 1: you just don't really feel that this is the person 486 00:28:21,880 --> 00:28:25,000 Speaker 1: that you want to be in their presence, the worst 487 00:28:25,040 --> 00:28:28,640 Speaker 1: thing you can do is give a tepid no. Or 488 00:28:28,760 --> 00:28:32,159 Speaker 1: maybe when you really think there's no way in God's 489 00:28:32,200 --> 00:28:35,359 Speaker 1: green earth that I really want to be in a 490 00:28:35,400 --> 00:28:40,120 Speaker 1: relationship with that person, then no means no, but be 491 00:28:40,280 --> 00:28:44,480 Speaker 1: strong in your know and that person should not question you. 492 00:28:44,360 --> 00:28:48,959 Speaker 2: The idea of saying no. And you mentioned being confident 493 00:28:49,040 --> 00:28:52,719 Speaker 2: in that know. How you present it can make all 494 00:28:52,920 --> 00:28:57,000 Speaker 2: of the difference, right. You just gave the dating example 495 00:28:57,920 --> 00:29:00,840 Speaker 2: being firm in your know perhaps a lotberating a little 496 00:29:00,840 --> 00:29:03,880 Speaker 2: bit on that For me in the past, if I've 497 00:29:03,880 --> 00:29:05,600 Speaker 2: gone on a first date with someone and I don't 498 00:29:05,640 --> 00:29:08,800 Speaker 2: see it going somewhere, rather just kind of putting them 499 00:29:08,800 --> 00:29:10,880 Speaker 2: off and putting them off and putting them off. When 500 00:29:10,880 --> 00:29:12,960 Speaker 2: I get asked out on another date, I'll be like, listen, 501 00:29:13,040 --> 00:29:14,800 Speaker 2: I had a great time with you, but I just 502 00:29:14,840 --> 00:29:17,200 Speaker 2: don't see this going anywhere else. I wish you all 503 00:29:17,280 --> 00:29:20,240 Speaker 2: the best, but I'm going to pass on getting together again, 504 00:29:20,520 --> 00:29:21,240 Speaker 2: or something like that. 505 00:29:21,800 --> 00:29:24,760 Speaker 1: I think is this is again putting someone out of 506 00:29:24,800 --> 00:29:27,360 Speaker 1: their misery, you know, because you don't want them to 507 00:29:27,520 --> 00:29:33,000 Speaker 1: keep creating scenarios in their head that you know, well, 508 00:29:33,400 --> 00:29:36,760 Speaker 1: maybe she's playing a game. She didn't really mean that, 509 00:29:37,080 --> 00:29:40,040 Speaker 1: know that she said. And so when you give that 510 00:29:40,240 --> 00:29:44,560 Speaker 1: explanation that I don't think it's going anywhere, or you're 511 00:29:44,640 --> 00:29:49,120 Speaker 1: very clear about how you feel. Look, thank you so 512 00:29:49,360 --> 00:29:52,880 Speaker 1: very much, you know for asking. You know, that's very 513 00:29:53,000 --> 00:29:56,080 Speaker 1: kind of you, that's very sweet of you. But really 514 00:29:56,880 --> 00:30:01,040 Speaker 1: I just don't see this going anywhere. So I wish 515 00:30:01,080 --> 00:30:05,680 Speaker 1: you the best and I have to say no again, Emily. 516 00:30:05,840 --> 00:30:08,680 Speaker 1: I think it brings us back to that place. No 517 00:30:08,880 --> 00:30:13,600 Speaker 1: doesn't have to be the one word no. No can 518 00:30:13,680 --> 00:30:19,280 Speaker 1: come with an explanation that is honest, and I think 519 00:30:19,280 --> 00:30:23,000 Speaker 1: it's important to be as honest as you can be 520 00:30:23,000 --> 00:30:28,760 Speaker 1: because it then really validates and really gives strength and 521 00:30:28,880 --> 00:30:32,960 Speaker 1: really gives truth to that no versus lying to someone 522 00:30:32,960 --> 00:30:35,760 Speaker 1: about it because people know when someone else is lying. 523 00:30:35,800 --> 00:30:39,320 Speaker 1: For the most part, they feel that it's not genuine 524 00:30:39,440 --> 00:30:41,959 Speaker 1: what the person is saying, and so it opens up 525 00:30:41,960 --> 00:30:45,400 Speaker 1: a space to explore things that you really don't want 526 00:30:45,440 --> 00:30:46,240 Speaker 1: to explore. 527 00:30:46,520 --> 00:30:48,920 Speaker 2: Yeah, I mean, let's talk about no in perhaps a 528 00:30:48,920 --> 00:30:51,800 Speaker 2: business or a professional sense. Right, If someone wants to 529 00:30:51,840 --> 00:30:54,080 Speaker 2: ask you something like do you have the bandwidth to 530 00:30:54,080 --> 00:30:57,120 Speaker 2: do X? Or would you like to go to this 531 00:30:57,280 --> 00:31:01,280 Speaker 2: event on Thursday? If the answer no, you can say 532 00:31:01,520 --> 00:31:04,960 Speaker 2: I don't, I cannot, or no, but thank you for 533 00:31:05,040 --> 00:31:05,640 Speaker 2: thinking of me. 534 00:31:05,880 --> 00:31:08,640 Speaker 3: You can be kind but firm. 535 00:31:08,760 --> 00:31:12,080 Speaker 2: You don't have to just be, you know, a jerk 536 00:31:12,200 --> 00:31:13,640 Speaker 2: because you can't make something happen. 537 00:31:13,960 --> 00:31:16,080 Speaker 1: But let's take it to let's take it to the 538 00:31:16,120 --> 00:31:21,040 Speaker 1: next level. Right what happens when you want to say no, 539 00:31:21,640 --> 00:31:24,920 Speaker 1: but there's a voice inside your head that says, hey, 540 00:31:25,600 --> 00:31:30,280 Speaker 1: go outside your comfort level and say yes. Okay, And 541 00:31:30,360 --> 00:31:35,800 Speaker 1: so there are those situations too where too often saying 542 00:31:36,000 --> 00:31:39,400 Speaker 1: no does not allow you to grow. You know, someone 543 00:31:39,440 --> 00:31:43,480 Speaker 1: has an opportunity for you. Ooh, I feel uncomfortable about that. 544 00:31:44,520 --> 00:31:48,120 Speaker 1: I feel uncomfortable about that speaking opportunity. I'll just say no. 545 00:31:48,560 --> 00:31:51,720 Speaker 1: And so you challenge yourself and say, okay, maybe I 546 00:31:51,760 --> 00:31:54,960 Speaker 1: can grow here by saying yes. Let me give that 547 00:31:55,040 --> 00:31:58,120 Speaker 1: a try. So I think all of that comes with 548 00:31:58,360 --> 00:32:02,000 Speaker 1: maturity and time, be able to look at where no 549 00:32:02,520 --> 00:32:07,640 Speaker 1: is your best response, where yes is your best response, 550 00:32:08,200 --> 00:32:12,560 Speaker 1: and where let me think about this and do something 551 00:32:12,600 --> 00:32:15,320 Speaker 1: that may not be as comfortable, that takes me out 552 00:32:15,360 --> 00:32:18,640 Speaker 1: of my comfort zone, but that allows me to grow. 553 00:32:19,120 --> 00:32:22,080 Speaker 1: Let me give that a try. And so in this case, 554 00:32:22,440 --> 00:32:27,120 Speaker 1: maybe I'll delay the no, try it, and then I 555 00:32:27,160 --> 00:32:30,400 Speaker 1: can come back with a no or yes when we 556 00:32:30,440 --> 00:32:32,040 Speaker 1: get to the next chapter of it. 557 00:32:32,440 --> 00:32:35,240 Speaker 2: Right, like, you have the opportunity to learn from that scenario. 558 00:32:35,520 --> 00:32:37,960 Speaker 2: I also think one last thing to touch on here 559 00:32:38,000 --> 00:32:40,680 Speaker 2: with you is the aftermath of the no. 560 00:32:40,960 --> 00:32:41,200 Speaker 3: Right. 561 00:32:41,240 --> 00:32:44,080 Speaker 2: We talked about the importance of being firm in your delivery, 562 00:32:44,240 --> 00:32:47,719 Speaker 2: but what about the assurance that someone should walk away 563 00:32:47,880 --> 00:32:50,800 Speaker 2: from giving that answer with I. 564 00:32:50,720 --> 00:32:57,720 Speaker 1: Really do believe that saying no and making a commitment 565 00:32:57,800 --> 00:33:02,200 Speaker 1: to yourself that you don't have to look back begins 566 00:33:02,240 --> 00:33:05,960 Speaker 1: to train you in a way to build your character 567 00:33:06,440 --> 00:33:11,120 Speaker 1: and make you a stronger individual. That puts the boundaries 568 00:33:11,280 --> 00:33:15,520 Speaker 1: out there so people understand who you are and so 569 00:33:16,080 --> 00:33:19,760 Speaker 1: you know who you are. The more sured you are 570 00:33:20,080 --> 00:33:24,200 Speaker 1: in yourself, the more confidence you have in yourself with 571 00:33:24,360 --> 00:33:27,080 Speaker 1: being able to say no to the things that you 572 00:33:27,120 --> 00:33:29,440 Speaker 1: know may really tax you or put you in a 573 00:33:29,520 --> 00:33:34,440 Speaker 1: place of discomfort or that will cause more anxiety later 574 00:33:34,560 --> 00:33:37,959 Speaker 1: on if you say yes. I think those are the 575 00:33:38,000 --> 00:33:42,240 Speaker 1: things over time that will make you a stronger individual, 576 00:33:42,800 --> 00:33:46,920 Speaker 1: a better friend, you know, and certainly a person who 577 00:33:47,160 --> 00:33:50,440 Speaker 1: is much more honest and true to themselves and to 578 00:33:50,520 --> 00:33:53,040 Speaker 1: the people who they surround themselves with. 579 00:33:53,680 --> 00:33:56,040 Speaker 2: Right, it's like a test of your will or a 580 00:33:56,120 --> 00:33:57,680 Speaker 2: muscle that you have to exercise. 581 00:33:57,800 --> 00:34:00,440 Speaker 3: Like that's the word there, That's the key exercise. 582 00:34:00,360 --> 00:34:03,640 Speaker 2: Word there that you have to continually use it in 583 00:34:03,760 --> 00:34:06,440 Speaker 2: order to get better at it. That's how you get stronger. 584 00:34:06,520 --> 00:34:09,880 Speaker 2: The same goes for quote unquote exercising your no. It 585 00:34:09,960 --> 00:34:12,880 Speaker 2: might not be super comfortable at first for us to 586 00:34:12,920 --> 00:34:16,600 Speaker 2: get used to exercising our boundaries and using the word no, 587 00:34:17,040 --> 00:34:19,600 Speaker 2: But with time, as you start to realize that it 588 00:34:19,600 --> 00:34:23,720 Speaker 2: feels really good to get comfortable in your own certainty. 589 00:34:23,320 --> 00:34:24,600 Speaker 3: That makes all the difference. 590 00:34:25,200 --> 00:34:27,400 Speaker 1: Being able and you know, and I believe in the 591 00:34:27,480 --> 00:34:32,040 Speaker 1: body mind spirit connection, being able to say no, not 592 00:34:32,160 --> 00:34:36,200 Speaker 1: just to other people, but building that self discipline to 593 00:34:36,280 --> 00:34:39,120 Speaker 1: say no to the things that may not be healthy 594 00:34:39,440 --> 00:34:44,239 Speaker 1: for you. No to over drinking, no to having too 595 00:34:44,280 --> 00:34:49,520 Speaker 1: many suites, no to not getting the proper you know, 596 00:34:49,800 --> 00:34:53,400 Speaker 1: amount of rest, you know, as you pointed out earlier, 597 00:34:53,760 --> 00:34:56,640 Speaker 1: instead of going to a birthday party and staying up 598 00:34:56,640 --> 00:34:58,960 Speaker 1: all night, being able to get to bed at ten 599 00:34:58,960 --> 00:35:02,640 Speaker 1: o'clock and getting your important seven hours of sleep so 600 00:35:02,680 --> 00:35:06,279 Speaker 1: that you can function better. So saying no to a 601 00:35:06,320 --> 00:35:09,600 Speaker 1: lot of the things that are going to bring negative consequences, 602 00:35:10,280 --> 00:35:13,239 Speaker 1: Being able to say no to yourself with regard to 603 00:35:13,280 --> 00:35:17,000 Speaker 1: spending too much time on social media, those are the 604 00:35:17,000 --> 00:35:20,560 Speaker 1: things that I think really build that self discipline too 605 00:35:21,040 --> 00:35:24,200 Speaker 1: and make you a better and stronger person all the 606 00:35:24,239 --> 00:35:25,920 Speaker 1: way around. 607 00:35:26,360 --> 00:35:29,640 Speaker 2: Is there anything that we haven't touched on just yet 608 00:35:29,680 --> 00:35:31,719 Speaker 2: about this topic that you think we should get to 609 00:35:31,920 --> 00:35:34,640 Speaker 2: before I release you into the world. 610 00:35:35,239 --> 00:35:38,120 Speaker 3: No, haa, look at them go. 611 00:35:38,960 --> 00:35:41,440 Speaker 2: Thank you so much again, doctor Jeff, for your time today, 612 00:35:41,480 --> 00:35:44,560 Speaker 2: for all of your wisdom. How do the hurdlers follow 613 00:35:44,560 --> 00:35:46,279 Speaker 2: along with you? How do they keep up with you? 614 00:35:46,480 --> 00:35:47,680 Speaker 2: Give me all of your information? 615 00:35:48,000 --> 00:35:51,640 Speaker 1: Sure? Absolutely well. They can go to Twitter at doctor 616 00:35:51,760 --> 00:35:55,920 Speaker 1: Jeff Gardier and so they'll find me there. They can 617 00:35:55,920 --> 00:36:00,000 Speaker 1: go to my website Doctorjeffgardier dot com, and of course 618 00:36:00,120 --> 00:36:03,080 Speaker 1: I want folks to check me out on rowco road, 619 00:36:03,200 --> 00:36:06,520 Speaker 1: dot co, forward slash mind. I want them to check 620 00:36:06,560 --> 00:36:10,320 Speaker 1: out a lot of the videos that I've done around 621 00:36:10,560 --> 00:36:16,000 Speaker 1: issues of anxiety and depression and learn about the empowerment 622 00:36:16,040 --> 00:36:19,400 Speaker 1: strategies that are there on that side. If they have 623 00:36:19,440 --> 00:36:23,440 Speaker 1: an issue or issues around anxiety and depression, there are 624 00:36:23,440 --> 00:36:26,960 Speaker 1: a lot of great resources there for them so that 625 00:36:27,040 --> 00:36:30,320 Speaker 1: they can get the help that they truly deserve, because 626 00:36:30,320 --> 00:36:32,040 Speaker 1: we all deserve to be happy. 627 00:36:32,440 --> 00:36:34,840 Speaker 2: I love that I'm over at Emily a Body and 628 00:36:35,000 --> 00:36:38,120 Speaker 2: at Hurdle Podcast, Another hurdle conquered. 629 00:36:38,480 --> 00:36:39,560 Speaker 3: Catch you guys next time.