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Speaker 1: Hello, I've been getting the feeling that you've been avoiding

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Speaker 1: my calls, but.

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Speaker 2: No really ever gives you that idea.

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Speaker 1: So you mean my my paranoia is is true? You

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Speaker 1: have been avoiding my calls. That means everyone's really out

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Speaker 1: to get me.

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Speaker 3: Do any of your friends like you anymore?

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Speaker 1: I have a don't ask, don't tell policy about it

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Speaker 1: from Gimlet Media. I'm Jonathan Goldstein and this is Heavyweight

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Speaker 1: Today's episode Soirea. In the fall of twenty fifteen, Sorea

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Speaker 1: began her freshman year at Harvard. She was studying history,

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Speaker 1: a subject that she's loved ever since she was a kid.

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Speaker 3: The person that gave me my love of history was

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Speaker 3: my dad. We would always watch documentaries together, which is

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Speaker 3: one of my favorite things.

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Speaker 1: Shortly after getting to Harvard, Soria met Professor Alyssa mount Pleasant.

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Speaker 1: Soria liked the Lissa right away. She was a Native

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Speaker 1: American history professor studying indigenous people. Siria also wanted to

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Speaker 1: tell the stories of people without a complete written history,

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Speaker 1: in Sorea's case, African American people.

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Speaker 3: She was doing the type of history I wanted to do,

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Speaker 3: in the type of history that I love. She is

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Speaker 3: a woman of color, and you know it's game recognizing game.

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Speaker 1: You felt a kinship.

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Speaker 3: Yeah, like I don't even know how old she is,

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Speaker 3: but she seems young, which was really inspiring.

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Speaker 1: Alyssa was writing a book about a tribe called the

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Speaker 1: hoden n Ashone, and she was looking for a research assistant,

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Speaker 1: someone to sift through microfilm of thousands of newspapers from

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Speaker 1: the early eighteen hundred.

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Speaker 3: She said that she didn't usually hire freshmen, but she

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Speaker 3: was going to give me a chance, and she thought

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Speaker 3: I was, I don't know, charming, the guiling. She didn't

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Speaker 3: say these words out loud. I don't know, I don't

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Speaker 3: know why you would hire me, but she did.

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Speaker 1: For reasons Soireya couldn't quite fathom. Alyssa had taken a

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Speaker 1: chance on her, and for Sorea, that felt like an

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Speaker 1: act of kindness. She was working alongside a mentor who

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Speaker 1: saw something in her and contributing to a project that

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Speaker 1: felt meaningful. Life seemed to be working out great. Sorea

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Speaker 1: should have been thrilled.

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Speaker 3: I found myself in a new school, surrounded by new people,

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Speaker 3: things that I really loved, But I found myself very unhappy.

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Speaker 1: Sarria had struggled with feelings of depression since she was

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Speaker 1: a kid, but she'd always been able to pin those

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Speaker 1: feelings on the world around her. Classes that weren't engaging,

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Speaker 1: relationships that weren't fulfilling. But with her arrival at Harvard,

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Speaker 1: she hoped that finally things might fall into place.

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Speaker 3: But like every time I woke up there, it didn't

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Speaker 3: feel right. You know. I don't know how to explain it,

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Speaker 3: other than like whenever I look in the mirror, I

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Speaker 3: don't feel like a Harvard student, Like I'm black, I'm Arab,

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Speaker 3: I'm a woman. I just I felt bad about all

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Speaker 3: of that, and I couldn't stop myself from feeling bad

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Speaker 3: about it. And I felt sad because I felt bad

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Speaker 3: that I felt bad, and it felt like things were

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Speaker 3: supposed to get better, because on paper, my life had

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Speaker 3: gotten better. But nothing changed.

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Speaker 1: Siriah stopped going to class, stopped showering, stop sleeping. Sometimes

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Speaker 1: for almost a week straight. At night, she'd stay up

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Speaker 1: reading trashy romance novels and watching conspiracy videos on YouTube.

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Speaker 3: And there was something comforting about sort of being adjacent

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Speaker 3: to crazy when you're feeling crazy. There would be long

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Speaker 3: stretches of time when I wouldn't leave my room one

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Speaker 3: of my roommates had left her keys in her room,

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Speaker 3: and so she sent out a text on our group

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Speaker 3: chat and was like, hey, is anyone in the room.

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Speaker 3: And she stood outside our door knocking and knocking and

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Speaker 3: knocking and knocking, and I didn't move. I couldn't. I

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Speaker 3: couldn't muster the energy to talk to anyone or to

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Speaker 3: face anyone. I really feel like I was a zombie.

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Speaker 3: This is all happening. And one of the key relationships

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Speaker 3: that I was doing my best to maintain was my

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Speaker 3: relationship with Alyssa. But I just I just kept digging

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Speaker 3: a whole.

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Speaker 1: When talking with me about her depression. Soirea is always

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Speaker 1: pretty even keeled until the subject of Alyssa comes up.

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Speaker 3: I just kept showing up to meetings, saying that I

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Speaker 3: was doing things and like it was going great.

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Speaker 1: The truth was that shortly after being hired because of

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Speaker 1: her depression, Sorey's work researching Alyssa's book ground to a halt.

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Speaker 1: But just the same, she kept on meeting with Alyssa.

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Speaker 1: It was the only time all week that she showered,

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Speaker 1: that she got dressed and left her room.

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Speaker 3: Because I just wanted to meet with her. And for

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Speaker 3: those moments when I was meeting with her and we

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Speaker 3: were talking and we were sharing. It just felt in

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Speaker 3: those moments like this is how I wanted my life

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Speaker 3: to be, but I couldn't have it outside of these

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Speaker 3: moments that were in the end a lie.

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Speaker 1: Eventually, Harvard tried to intervene, first with emergency meds and

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Speaker 1: then psychiatric treatment, but nothing was helpful and in the

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Speaker 1: end Sorea was left with no choice but to drop out.

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Speaker 1: She returned to her childhood home, where she spent the

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Speaker 1: next two months in bed. Since dropping out, Sirey's depression

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Speaker 1: is lifted. A new therapist, then a new job of helped.

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Speaker 1: She says she generally feels good about things, except for

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Speaker 1: one particular thing. Sarria abandoned the project without ever saying

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Speaker 1: anything to Alyssa. After dropping out. She just ghosted Alyssa,

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Speaker 1: sent emails and tried to set up Skype sessions, but

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Speaker 1: Soria never responded, and eventually Alyssa stopped reaching out. For

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Speaker 1: the last two years, Saray has been carrying around the

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Speaker 1: original flash drive where she saved all the old newspaper

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Speaker 1: articles that she was supposed to read through for Alyssa.

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Speaker 3: I've been carrying it with me in my backpack for

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Speaker 3: two years.

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Speaker 1: You've literally been carrying, like literally carrying it around as

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Speaker 1: a weight on your back. So what do you want.

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Speaker 3: I need to know whether or not I can make

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Speaker 3: it right by finishing this.

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Speaker 1: By this, she means the research work she promised Alyssa.

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Speaker 1: Soirea doesn't just want to apologize. She wants to present

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Speaker 1: Alyssa with a bold gesture. And as far as gestures go,

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Speaker 1: the bold kind are my favorite. So, in answer to

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Speaker 1: the question I've not yet been asked, yes, Sirea, I

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Speaker 1: will be your life coach, helping you at every turn

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Speaker 1: to see this through. According to the Internet, every good

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Speaker 1: life coach needs a catchphrase, an inspirational cohen that can

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Speaker 1: bring solace during difficult moments, a soft light made of

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Speaker 1: brave words to whisper when dark night has fallen. Something

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Speaker 1: wise yet simple, soulful but dignified. You're gonna boom boom

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Speaker 1: boom bang it out. Say it with me. I'm going

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Speaker 1: to boom boom boom. Come on with me, I'm gonna

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Speaker 1: boom boom boom bang it out. I know it seems

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Speaker 1: I know it seems silly, but I'll say one part

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Speaker 1: of you say the next you'd boom boom M.

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Speaker 3: I can't, I won't, I could, I won't.

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Speaker 1: I get Sorea's hesitation. There's nothing more soul deadening than

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Speaker 1: mindlessly repeating other people's slogans and catchphrases, of which it's

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Speaker 1: time once again for an important message from a sponsor

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Speaker 1: that I personally care about. Soria gets started on the project.

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Speaker 1: On the flash drive she's been carrying around since she

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Speaker 1: left Harvard. There are sixty two PDF files, each one

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Speaker 1: containing hundreds of pages of newspaper. Anytime a native person

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Speaker 1: is mentioned in any way, a marriage, an arrest, a

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Speaker 1: treaty being signed, Sorea makes a copy of the article

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Speaker 1: and then catalogs it. So after her regular nine to

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Speaker 1: five is finished and the office is emptied out, Sorea

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Speaker 1: remain at her desk, scrolling through years and years of microfilm.

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Speaker 1: And the plan is that at the end of each

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Speaker 1: week she's to check in with me so I can

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Speaker 1: offer support and inspiration. Week one, so how is it going?

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Speaker 3: And we'll find this week. I think it is in

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Speaker 3: the doing that I will find some piece. So I'm

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Speaker 3: excited and I.

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Speaker 1: So far life coaching is a breeze for sure, easier

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Speaker 1: than baseball or football coaching. But by week two Soreya

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Speaker 1: and I hit a snag.

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Speaker 3: It's just God, I hate this about me so much.

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Speaker 3: I basically litigate with myself. I'm like, you know, if

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Speaker 3: you start working at four and you do two hours

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Speaker 3: of work, it'll only be That's fine. It's six pm.

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Speaker 3: If you do two hours, that's only eight o'clock. It's

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Speaker 3: four am. Okay, Soiria, you have to do it now

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Speaker 3: or you're not going to be able to sleep tonight.

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Speaker 3: It's six am. Well, you really can't sleep now because

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Speaker 3: you have to be up for work in two hours.

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Speaker 3: It's eight am, and then I went to work. I

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Speaker 3: went to work.

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Speaker 1: According to ancient Greek myth, as punishment for betraying the gods,

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Speaker 1: Sisyphus was forced to spend eternity pushing a rock up

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Speaker 1: a hill, only to have the rock roll back down

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Speaker 1: again when it reached the top. It was hell in

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Speaker 1: the form of boredom and meaninglessness. Like Sisyphis, Soria sees

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Speaker 1: no end to her toil. She's sorting through mountains of

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Speaker 1: articles about lost wallets and lost umbrellas, the War of

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Speaker 1: eighteen twelve, stolen horses, and scalpings. She scrolls and scrolls

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Speaker 1: and scrolls looking for any mention of indigenous people. She

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Speaker 1: can go hours, even days without finding anything relevant. Plus

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Speaker 1: she doesn't even know if her work will have any worth.

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Speaker 1: Alyssa might have already finished her book, or worse because

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Speaker 1: of her abandoned it entirely. It all feels pointless. Week ten.

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Speaker 1: How did the weekend go?

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Speaker 3: Pretty? Pretty shit? Not good?

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Speaker 1: But according to the Internet, a life coach has to

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Speaker 1: be persistent, and so we keep checking in even when

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Speaker 1: Sorey is out of town. Week eleven.

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Speaker 3: I did not work on this project this week. Week twelve,

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Speaker 3: this week has not been productive.

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Speaker 1: Week thirteen, this week did not go to plan. Week fourteen. Hello, Hey,

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Speaker 1: this is Jonathan speaking.

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Speaker 3: Oh oh crap, I totally forgot about this.

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Speaker 1: As a life coach. I'm also like Sissyphist. I'm pushing

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Speaker 1: a rock up a hill, and my rock is Soreya

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Speaker 1: pushing her rock up a hill. Should I be continuing

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Speaker 1: to try to inspire you? I?

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Speaker 3: Uh, it's not you, It's me.

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Speaker 1: It is me, isn't it? Do you know? Are you

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Speaker 1: familiar with the quote from Highlander? There is no trial? Wait?

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Speaker 1: Did I get there is no try. There can only

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Speaker 1: be here. Oh no, sorry, it's Yoda. Do are not? Sorry?

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Speaker 1: Do or do not? There is no try?

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Speaker 3: Thank you. I'm surprised you didn't try to imitate Yoda.

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Speaker 3: If I'm gonna be honest, I'm a little disappointed.

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Speaker 1: You done on showing Soireyah that there is no try.

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Speaker 1: Is something that I must actually do rather than try

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Speaker 1: to do. I must do to do, do or do not?

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Speaker 1: There is no there is no try, do or do not. Wait.

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Speaker 1: Let me I can nail this. Hang on, I've never

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Speaker 1: really tried. You know when you can hear the voice

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Speaker 1: in your head that you're trying to imitate, but you

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Speaker 1: can't get it out, but you just know it's in there.

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Speaker 1: What cannot be done? I always do what cannot be done. Huh,

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Speaker 1: why did I start this? Anyone?

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Speaker 3: What is this? It definitely feels like an intervention.

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Speaker 1: Just because people are intervening they care about you, doesn't

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Speaker 1: make it an intervention. Hang on a second, So the

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Speaker 1: question of why did she start this? Anyone? I invite

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Speaker 1: Sorea into the studio or a stage, a full on

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Speaker 1: mo ALTI media event, or at least a single media event.

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Speaker 1: I play Sireya some audio tape from the one person

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Speaker 1: she needs to hear from most. I thought that maybe

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Speaker 1: the best person for you to hear right now would

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Speaker 1: be you.

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Speaker 3: This is an intervention.

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Speaker 1: Siria shakes her head and I press play, and together

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Speaker 1: we listened to a conversation that we had back when

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Speaker 1: this whole thing began.

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Speaker 3: I think it is in the doing that I will

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Speaker 3: find some piece, you know.

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Speaker 1: In his essay about Sisyphis, the French existentialist Albert Camier

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Speaker 1: writes that Sisyphis's real struggle wasn't that he had to

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Speaker 1: roll a heavy rock up a hill without ever getting

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Speaker 1: to the top, but that he had to somehow find

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Speaker 1: meaning in the rock rolling. Siria has lost sight of

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Speaker 1: the thing that was bringing meaning to her rock rolling,

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Speaker 1: lost sight of Alyssa, Like I don't even know how.

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Speaker 3: Old she is, but she seems young, which was really inspiring.

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Speaker 1: She was past Soria talks about how important Alyssa was

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Speaker 1: to her, how kind she was when she was at

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Speaker 1: her lowest, and as past Soria speaks present, Siria covers

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Speaker 1: her face.

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Speaker 3: I need to know whether or not I can make

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Speaker 3: it right by finishing this.

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Speaker 1: I believe that person was talking from the heart Soria

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Speaker 1: looks down at the table. She's quiet for a while,

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Speaker 1: thinking about Alyssa. And when they first met.

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Speaker 3: I was feeling very bad about myself, and so this

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Speaker 3: job like it was this moment my freshman year. Ah shit,

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Speaker 3: it's like, God, she's a deeply nice person.

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Speaker 1: So what are we gonna do? Sorea looks at me

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Speaker 1: like I'm an idiot. Then her smile widens, and I'm.

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Speaker 3: Gonna boom boom boom bang it out.

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Speaker 1: Who's gonna boom boom boom bang it out?

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Speaker 3: I'm going to boom boom boom bang it out.

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Speaker 1: See how did that feel?

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Speaker 3: About as good as I imagined it too.

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Speaker 1: We're gonna boom boom boom bang it out.

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Speaker 3: I'm past the fifty percent march.

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Speaker 1: When we check back in a week later, it seems

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Speaker 1: Soray has gotten back what I will heretoforeth refer to

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Speaker 1: as after carefully vetting my language with Gimlet Media's paralegal department.

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Speaker 1: The look of the leper The glass is half empty

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Speaker 1: or full, whichever The optimistic part is. You know you

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00:18:12,720 --> 00:18:16,800
Speaker 1: have emptied this glass of nagging, guilt and shame so

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Speaker 1: that it's half empty, which is good.

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Speaker 3: Okay again in the colloquial spear of things that would

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Speaker 3: sound really really negative.

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Speaker 1: Are you sure?

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Speaker 2: I don't know.

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Speaker 1: Yeah, I think you might have that backwards And from here,

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Speaker 1: the half empty glass just keeps getting emptier.

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Speaker 3: Week fifteen, I would say I'm at fifty two percent.

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Speaker 1: Week sixteen, I'm at sixty percent. Week seventeen. I'm gonna

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Speaker 1: put it out sixty two Week eighteen.

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Speaker 3: The seventy five percent mark.

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Speaker 1: It isn't always easy. There are still stops in starts.

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Speaker 1: Sorea gets tired, Sorea gets bored, Soria gets busy, but slowly.

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Speaker 1: Soraya nears the finish line. Week twenty four.

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Speaker 3: I think I'm going to get there. I'm almost done.

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Speaker 3: I think I have two I have two of those

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Speaker 3: files left. I can do that.

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Speaker 1: Week twenty six, So, yeah, what do you have to

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Speaker 1: tell me?

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Speaker 3: I'm done?

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Speaker 1: You're done?

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Speaker 3: I'm done?

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Speaker 1: After the break? Alyssa, Yes, it's a boy call around

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Speaker 1: Train forty three and stops at Newark, Chanson, Philadelphia. Is

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Speaker 1: that us? My history is Melissa is currently doing academic

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Speaker 1: research in Philadelphia. So Sorey and I meet at New

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Speaker 1: York's Penn Station, and right and early we board a

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Speaker 1: train to Philly. As Soreya's life coach. I'm a nervous wreck,

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Speaker 1: so I can only assume that Sorea must be feeling

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Speaker 1: three to six times as anxious as I am. I

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Speaker 1: try to soothe her. Do you find that sounds soothing?

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00:20:24,760 --> 00:20:27,480
Speaker 1: Time to hear it? Check it, check it, check check it,

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00:20:27,560 --> 00:20:30,919
Speaker 1: check it, check it, check out. Soreya doesn't appear to

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Speaker 1: find it soothing, so I pull out another life coaching technique,

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00:20:35,720 --> 00:20:42,280
Speaker 1: breathing in. I'm breathing in. I don't know that was

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Speaker 1: breathing out.

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Speaker 3: I was breathing out.

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Speaker 1: Gotta confused. Sometimes Sirea didn't get any sleep the night

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Speaker 1: before interfugue state of sleep deprivation. I can only assume

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Speaker 1: that Sorea must be experiencing this train trip, not as

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Speaker 1: an actual train trip, but as a symbolic and surreal

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Speaker 1: train trip of self discovery. We chug along past Newark,

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Speaker 1: New Jersey, home of the first successful submarine voyage, Elizabeth,

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Speaker 1: New Jersey, birthplace of the first ice cream soda in

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Speaker 1: New Jersey. Rahway, New Jersey, originally called spank towns by

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Speaker 1: early settlers for disgusting reasons. I won't go into here. Andalusia,

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00:21:28,960 --> 00:21:33,440
Speaker 1: New Jersey filming locale for the NBC pilot Outlaw, which

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00:21:33,440 --> 00:21:41,280
Speaker 1: started Young Jimmy Smith's and ran for eight episodes. And finally,

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Speaker 1: so here we are. Oh boy, oh boy, oh boy, Philadelphia.

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Speaker 1: Welcome to Philly. Yeah they call it. They call it

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Speaker 1: Philly for short, third short for Philip, Philipdelphia. Outside the

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Speaker 1: train station, the city is bustling. As Sorea's life coach

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Speaker 1: slash tour guide, I point out the sights and sounds

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Speaker 1: of the city. Look at this, look at that. There's

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Speaker 1: the Crack Liberty, there's those stairs that Rodney ran up,

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Speaker 1: and there's a tub of cream cheese Philadelphia Fresh. We

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Speaker 1: cab over to the Temple University campus where I've set

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Speaker 1: up our meeting with Alyssa. Here we are. We're on campus. Yeah,

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Speaker 1: feeling that adrenaline that that that college sort of we're

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Speaker 1: college students and we could do anything we want.

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Speaker 3: I miss the sweats carrying pizza luck because there's.

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Speaker 1: A guy that's like cheap beer at a frat party.

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Speaker 1: It's all rising up in me, running through the dorm

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Speaker 1: in my underwear hacky sack and my underwear underwear pong

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Speaker 1: underwear runs no pants parties, all the college things I

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Speaker 1: experienced in movies, but not in my five years at

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Speaker 1: the Sir George Williams campus of downtown Montreal's Concordia University.

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Speaker 1: What good was my education? Anyway? As for Soirea, after

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Speaker 1: being out of school for a couple of years, now,

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Speaker 1: I wonder what it's like for her to be back

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Speaker 1: on a college campus. It's hard, though, to tell what

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Speaker 1: she's feeling.

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Speaker 3: It's literally exactly.

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Speaker 1: I've arranged to meet Alyssa at the Entertainment and Community

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Speaker 1: Education Center on the edge of campus. We're a few

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Speaker 1: minutes early, so Sirea decides to use the extra time

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Speaker 1: to run into the bathroom, but just as she steps

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Speaker 1: into the hallway, she comes face to face with a

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Speaker 1: wavy haired woman wearing narrow, black framed glasses.

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Speaker 3: Hi, how are you.

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Speaker 1: It's Alyssa.

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Speaker 3: How are you good. It's so good to see you.

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Speaker 3: It's good to see you.

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Speaker 1: Too, send Soria stand around awkwardly in the hallway, not

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00:24:03,040 --> 00:24:07,119
Speaker 1: sure what to say. As they fall into silence, Sorea's

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Speaker 1: life coach springs into action. To meet you now, Alyssa

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Speaker 1: and Srea and I stand around awkwardly in the hallway,

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Speaker 1: not sure what to say.

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Speaker 3: Yeah, I'm good, We'll take care of Melissa.

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00:24:24,320 --> 00:24:26,679
Speaker 1: Sorry that you could do your twilet and be at

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Speaker 1: your best. Great, come on in. When Sarria returns from

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Speaker 1: the bathroom, she finds Alyssa already seated at a large

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Speaker 1: round table. Sia sits beside her. Together, they try to

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Speaker 1: figure out how to begin.

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Speaker 3: How have you been? I've been good, I've been busy,

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Speaker 3: I've been I've been well. How are you I've been

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00:24:55,600 --> 00:25:08,399
Speaker 3: I've been both up and down? Yeah, I really, I

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00:25:08,440 --> 00:25:10,040
Speaker 3: mean what comes to mind is that I left you

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Speaker 3: high and dry. And by the time.

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Speaker 1: We met, Soria gets right into it, telling Alyssa all

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Speaker 1: the things that two years ago she wasn't able to.

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Speaker 4: I was in a really dark place and had She

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00:25:27,960 --> 00:25:30,720
Speaker 4: tells Alyssa about not being able to leave her dorm room,

359
00:25:31,359 --> 00:25:34,360
Speaker 4: about how everything in her life was falling apart, how

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Speaker 4: meaningless it all felt, how ultimately she had to drop

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Speaker 4: out of school.

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00:25:39,200 --> 00:25:42,480
Speaker 1: But she tells Alyssa about her depression.

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Speaker 3: And I was trying really really hard to be okay,

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00:25:49,400 --> 00:25:56,520
Speaker 3: but like what I'm what I'm most ashamed of is

365
00:25:56,560 --> 00:26:02,879
Speaker 3: that I couldn't just like tell you. I just didn't

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00:26:02,920 --> 00:26:06,480
Speaker 3: feel like I could tell you or anyone which is

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00:26:07,720 --> 00:26:13,080
Speaker 3: to me sad because you were so nice.

368
00:26:13,640 --> 00:26:16,240
Speaker 1: Did you ever suspect that Sorea might be depressed?

369
00:26:18,680 --> 00:26:25,080
Speaker 3: I had no idea. I had absolutely no idea.

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00:26:26,640 --> 00:26:29,160
Speaker 1: So less it turns to Sorea, I.

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Speaker 5: Was immediately impressed with you. You have an energy and

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00:26:34,840 --> 00:26:41,000
Speaker 5: an enthusiasm and an honesty that is refreshing.

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Speaker 3: And inspiring.

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Speaker 1: So sorry, if I could just jump in for a minute,

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Speaker 1: you never felt like let down, or you didn't feel

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00:26:53,200 --> 00:26:55,000
Speaker 1: angry or upset.

377
00:26:57,040 --> 00:27:01,800
Speaker 5: I might have been a little frustrated, but I was

378
00:27:02,400 --> 00:27:08,439
Speaker 5: never angry or disappointed. If anything, I was trying to

379
00:27:08,440 --> 00:27:13,720
Speaker 5: be compassionate about the workload that I was imagining you had,

380
00:27:14,119 --> 00:27:17,000
Speaker 5: not knowing that there was another workload that you had

381
00:27:17,040 --> 00:27:21,119
Speaker 5: that that you were dealing with. So you shouldn't feel

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00:27:21,160 --> 00:27:22,480
Speaker 5: like you left me high and dry.

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00:27:24,280 --> 00:27:27,600
Speaker 1: Sarria can't understand how Alyssa could feel this way, how

384
00:27:27,640 --> 00:27:30,480
Speaker 1: easily she's letting her off the hook. She came to

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00:27:30,520 --> 00:27:34,200
Speaker 1: ask for forgiveness for screwing over her mentor, and she's

386
00:27:34,240 --> 00:27:37,880
Speaker 1: not buying Alyssa's response, Well, I just.

387
00:27:37,800 --> 00:27:41,480
Speaker 3: Felt like I hadn't accomplished anything, and like when I

388
00:27:41,520 --> 00:27:43,719
Speaker 3: was so, I was just going to jump in that

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00:27:43,960 --> 00:27:45,200
Speaker 3: is wrong.

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00:27:46,520 --> 00:27:49,679
Speaker 1: For the first time all afternoon. Alyssa drops her measured

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00:27:49,720 --> 00:27:52,800
Speaker 1: tone and interrupts, Soria, you had.

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00:27:52,680 --> 00:27:59,040
Speaker 5: Done a tremendous amount of work, and my recollection was

393
00:27:59,080 --> 00:28:01,720
Speaker 5: that there was just a little bit more that needed

394
00:28:01,760 --> 00:28:04,840
Speaker 5: to be done.

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00:28:05,520 --> 00:28:09,680
Speaker 1: Sorea looks confused, and at this point I probably do too.

396
00:28:10,720 --> 00:28:13,280
Speaker 1: The way Sirea had always explained it to me, she'd

397
00:28:13,320 --> 00:28:17,040
Speaker 1: done almost no work on the project. She'd failed the project,

398
00:28:17,440 --> 00:28:19,840
Speaker 1: failed Alissa, and failed herself.

399
00:28:22,200 --> 00:28:25,040
Speaker 5: You know, I have an image in my mind of

400
00:28:25,920 --> 00:28:30,080
Speaker 5: the drop box file with a number of different.

401
00:28:30,080 --> 00:28:33,120
Speaker 1: Alyssa brings up the existence of a drop box folder.

402
00:28:33,800 --> 00:28:36,560
Speaker 1: It was there. She says that they both shared articles

403
00:28:36,560 --> 00:28:39,719
Speaker 1: and material as they worked on the project.

404
00:28:39,520 --> 00:28:46,080
Speaker 5: Spreadsheets, Excel spreadsheets and links to them, and there was additional.

405
00:28:45,720 --> 00:28:49,400
Speaker 1: It seems that on June fourteenth, twenty sixteen, just before

406
00:28:49,440 --> 00:28:52,920
Speaker 1: she ghosted on Alyssa, Soirea had uploaded almost half of

407
00:28:53,000 --> 00:28:58,840
Speaker 1: the required research. Not only that, but she'd organized it too.

408
00:28:59,120 --> 00:29:02,560
Speaker 1: And yet it doesn't remember any of this. For the

409
00:29:02,600 --> 00:29:05,920
Speaker 1: past two years, she's accepted her failure as the truth.

410
00:29:06,880 --> 00:29:09,520
Speaker 1: To now hear otherwise, it is hard to process.

411
00:29:12,440 --> 00:29:18,640
Speaker 3: What I'm sort of realizing is that I let the

412
00:29:18,680 --> 00:29:22,240
Speaker 3: fact that I didn't finish something eclipse the fact that

413
00:29:22,280 --> 00:29:24,720
Speaker 3: I had done anything at all.

414
00:29:26,360 --> 00:29:29,720
Speaker 1: Sirea had been telling herself a story that she'd failed,

415
00:29:30,120 --> 00:29:33,320
Speaker 1: that she'd made a mess of everything. In truth, though,

416
00:29:33,920 --> 00:29:36,360
Speaker 1: that was just a story the depression had been telling.

417
00:29:37,880 --> 00:29:41,200
Speaker 1: But it's this story that, two years later has stuck

418
00:29:41,200 --> 00:29:51,760
Speaker 1: with her. It took Alyssa the historian to excavate the past. Eventually,

419
00:29:52,040 --> 00:29:54,560
Speaker 1: the conversation turns to the matter of the work that

420
00:29:54,600 --> 00:30:00,480
Speaker 1: Sorea truly, verifiably didn't do. Did you you end up

421
00:30:00,560 --> 00:30:04,320
Speaker 1: having to hire another researcher to do what Soria was doing,

422
00:30:04,400 --> 00:30:06,800
Speaker 1: or did you do it yourself or it's still not done.

423
00:30:08,400 --> 00:30:12,320
Speaker 1: Hearing this, Sorea reaches into her bag and begins fumbling inside.

424
00:30:13,080 --> 00:30:15,440
Speaker 1: She pulls out the flash drive that contains all the

425
00:30:15,480 --> 00:30:18,680
Speaker 1: work she's done over the past six months. She explains

426
00:30:18,760 --> 00:30:21,680
Speaker 1: why she traveled all the way to Philly.

427
00:30:21,800 --> 00:30:28,440
Speaker 3: I brought it because I wanted to give it to you.

428
00:30:30,000 --> 00:30:33,360
Speaker 1: Soria begins in accounting of everything she's done in preparation

429
00:30:33,480 --> 00:30:34,040
Speaker 1: for the meeting.

430
00:30:34,800 --> 00:30:39,400
Speaker 3: So I read about a decade's worth of newspaper and

431
00:30:40,120 --> 00:30:44,800
Speaker 3: clipped I think it's like seven hundred articles and so

432
00:30:44,840 --> 00:30:47,960
Speaker 3: I'll just give you a quick look at what's inside.

433
00:30:48,040 --> 00:30:52,520
Speaker 1: But Soria speaks, Alyssa shakes her head.

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Speaker 3: Any of them the other thing is like it's the

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Speaker 3: War of eighteen twelve.

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Speaker 1: So there's just at first in disbelief because.

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Speaker 3: I also I just thought the creek stuff that's going

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Speaker 3: on is so fascinating.

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00:31:03,680 --> 00:31:05,840
Speaker 1: But eventually in amazement.

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00:31:06,080 --> 00:31:10,480
Speaker 3: What's going on with the tusc Aurora. It's wild to me.

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00:31:11,080 --> 00:31:14,520
Speaker 1: And then I sit back and watch this side of

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00:31:14,560 --> 00:31:17,520
Speaker 1: Soirea that I've not seen before. In spite of her

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00:31:17,560 --> 00:31:21,760
Speaker 1: sleep deprived state, she has a natural enthusiasm, a passion

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00:31:21,800 --> 00:31:24,920
Speaker 1: for the subject, and a command of the material, all

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00:31:25,000 --> 00:31:27,800
Speaker 1: qualities Alyssa must have seen when she first decided to

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00:31:27,880 --> 00:31:32,480
Speaker 1: hire her. Back then, Alyssa didn't see the depression. She

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00:31:32,560 --> 00:31:35,960
Speaker 1: saw through it to other things, things that at the

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00:31:36,000 --> 00:31:40,320
Speaker 1: time Soirea couldn't see herself. Maybe this is why Alyssa

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00:31:40,400 --> 00:31:41,720
Speaker 1: took a chance on a freshman.

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00:31:43,160 --> 00:31:48,600
Speaker 5: It's staggering the amount of work that you've taken on.

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00:31:49,680 --> 00:31:56,400
Speaker 5: I'm overwhelmed, and I wonder about and here I'm spitballing.

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00:31:57,520 --> 00:32:02,840
Speaker 1: Alyssa pauses for a moment, rubs here, But I wonder if.

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00:32:02,640 --> 00:32:06,720
Speaker 5: There might be a co authored piece, or at least

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00:32:06,760 --> 00:32:11,680
Speaker 5: co credited piece, because that wouldn't be possible without Saraya's work.

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00:32:19,480 --> 00:32:27,920
Speaker 3: I'm I'm so glad that you're okay. Yeah, I am too.

456
00:32:29,680 --> 00:32:31,720
Speaker 3: I still want to say sorry. I don't know, I

457
00:32:31,760 --> 00:32:37,120
Speaker 3: know you don't seem to need it. Accept your apology,

458
00:32:38,840 --> 00:32:41,880
Speaker 3: It's okay, that's okay.

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00:32:45,240 --> 00:32:47,520
Speaker 1: Just before the rock rolls back down and the schlap

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00:32:47,520 --> 00:32:51,000
Speaker 1: begins anew. In that brief pause when the stone is

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00:32:51,000 --> 00:32:55,400
Speaker 1: perfectly balanced at the mountain's top, Sissyphus must experience a

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00:32:55,440 --> 00:32:58,880
Speaker 1: moment of respite, a moment when he can unclench his jaw,

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00:32:59,400 --> 00:33:04,680
Speaker 1: rub his nack, scratches back. Siria still struggles with depression,

464
00:33:05,080 --> 00:33:08,640
Speaker 1: with whether she's ready to return to school, but for now,

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00:33:09,400 --> 00:33:15,600
Speaker 1: there's a moment of peace. On the train ride back

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00:33:15,640 --> 00:33:18,400
Speaker 1: to New York, Soria curls up in her sweatshirt and

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00:33:18,480 --> 00:33:21,520
Speaker 1: rests her head against the window. And were it not

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00:33:21,640 --> 00:33:24,560
Speaker 1: for the relentless affirmations of her life coach I find

469
00:33:24,600 --> 00:33:28,280
Speaker 1: train travel, the gentle chugga chugga of the train would

470
00:33:28,280 --> 00:33:31,960
Speaker 1: have by now rocked her to sleep. What's the expression again,

471
00:33:32,520 --> 00:33:38,480
Speaker 1: I don't know, Bippy bobbity boom, We're gonna escape, We're

472
00:33:38,480 --> 00:33:39,320
Speaker 1: gonna bip up.

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00:33:40,600 --> 00:33:42,520
Speaker 3: I thought you've said that, what is it? Boom boom boom,

474
00:33:42,520 --> 00:33:46,560
Speaker 3: that's boom boom boom boom, bang it out.

475
00:34:10,280 --> 00:34:19,759
Speaker 2: Now that the furnitures returning to it's goodwill home, Now

476
00:34:19,840 --> 00:34:25,600
Speaker 2: that the last month's rant is scheming with the damaged pos,

477
00:34:25,840 --> 00:34:31,720
Speaker 2: take this moment to deserve, if we meant it, if

478
00:34:31,760 --> 00:34:40,799
Speaker 2: we talk, are felt around for far too.

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00:34:39,320 --> 00:34:47,680
Speaker 1: From things good Accidentally. Heavyweight is hosted and produced by

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00:34:47,680 --> 00:34:50,920
Speaker 1: me Jonathan Goldstein, along with Peter Bresnan, Khalila Holt, and

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00:34:51,000 --> 00:34:54,120
Speaker 1: Stevie Lane. The show is edited by Jorge Just, with

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00:34:54,280 --> 00:34:57,960
Speaker 1: additional editing by Alex Bloomberg. Special thanks to Emily Condon,

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00:34:58,080 --> 00:35:01,640
Speaker 1: Jasmine Romero, Matilda or Felina, Amber Davis, b A. Parker,

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00:35:02,120 --> 00:35:05,400
Speaker 1: and Jackie Cohen. Bobby Lord mixed the episode with music

485
00:35:05,400 --> 00:35:09,440
Speaker 1: by Christine Fellows, Blue Dot Sessions and he himself, Bobby Lord.

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00:35:09,920 --> 00:35:12,959
Speaker 1: Additional music credits can be found on our website gimletmedia

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00:35:13,040 --> 00:35:16,440
Speaker 1: dot com slash Heavyweight. Our theme song is by The

488
00:35:16,440 --> 00:35:19,360
Speaker 1: Weaker Thands courtesy of Epitaph Records, and our ad music

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00:35:19,440 --> 00:35:22,360
Speaker 1: is by Hailey Shaw. Follow us on Twitter at heavyweight

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00:35:22,520 --> 00:35:25,919
Speaker 1: or email us at Heavyweight at gimltmedia dot com. We'll

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00:35:25,920 --> 00:35:28,280
Speaker 1: have a brand new episode next week