1 00:00:01,000 --> 00:00:06,360 Speaker 1: Conversations on life, style, beauty, and relationships. It's The Velvet's 2 00:00:06,400 --> 00:00:09,960 Speaker 1: Edge podcast with Kelly Henderson. Okay, I'm here with Jason 3 00:00:10,039 --> 00:00:14,280 Speaker 1: Van Ruler. License Therapists, sees that Certified, your speaker, your 4 00:00:14,360 --> 00:00:19,040 Speaker 1: hot podcast host. Wow, words are hard sometimes. UM. I 5 00:00:19,160 --> 00:00:21,480 Speaker 1: love that you are SEA trained and we were just 6 00:00:21,520 --> 00:00:24,520 Speaker 1: talking a little bit about some of the recovery world 7 00:00:24,560 --> 00:00:26,840 Speaker 1: in Nashville. But a lot of people don't even understand 8 00:00:26,840 --> 00:00:29,040 Speaker 1: what that means. And so for people listening who might 9 00:00:29,080 --> 00:00:33,360 Speaker 1: be looking for a therapist and maybe, UM want some 10 00:00:33,479 --> 00:00:35,839 Speaker 1: insight into the different kinds of therapy, can you explain 11 00:00:35,880 --> 00:00:39,280 Speaker 1: what see that certified means. Yeah, so it's a it's 12 00:00:39,280 --> 00:00:42,720 Speaker 1: a certified sex addiction therapist. Um, it's on that and 13 00:00:42,760 --> 00:00:45,200 Speaker 1: then I supervise people coming into the field, and so 14 00:00:45,600 --> 00:00:48,159 Speaker 1: basically what that means is now more than ever, there 15 00:00:48,200 --> 00:00:52,559 Speaker 1: are people struggling a lot with things like pornography and fidelity, 16 00:00:52,840 --> 00:00:55,680 Speaker 1: and so my my special training, or one of my 17 00:00:55,720 --> 00:00:59,000 Speaker 1: special trainings is to help people kind of rebuild from 18 00:00:59,040 --> 00:01:02,200 Speaker 1: that and also get sober, work on the relationships and 19 00:01:02,240 --> 00:01:05,679 Speaker 1: develop healthy intimacy. Yeah, and so I love that you 20 00:01:05,720 --> 00:01:08,240 Speaker 1: do so much work in the addiction world. Because to me, 21 00:01:08,319 --> 00:01:13,679 Speaker 1: it really ties into relationships, which is why you're here today. 22 00:01:13,720 --> 00:01:15,880 Speaker 1: I found you on Instagram. I love your Instagram by 23 00:01:15,920 --> 00:01:19,560 Speaker 1: the way. You do really great videos. And one of 24 00:01:19,600 --> 00:01:21,080 Speaker 1: the things you say on your Instagram that I think 25 00:01:21,160 --> 00:01:25,720 Speaker 1: is so important is Instagram is not therapy, which I'm like, yes, 26 00:01:26,400 --> 00:01:28,360 Speaker 1: because I think I'll hear a lot of people these days. 27 00:01:28,360 --> 00:01:30,839 Speaker 1: You know, you can find so much content out there 28 00:01:30,880 --> 00:01:33,119 Speaker 1: with great therapists. But you're like, wait, wait, wait, wait 29 00:01:33,120 --> 00:01:35,560 Speaker 1: wait wait, this is not just the thing you do 30 00:01:35,600 --> 00:01:38,280 Speaker 1: to get like fixed. Did you watch my Instagram videos? 31 00:01:38,600 --> 00:01:41,880 Speaker 1: Tell me able, Yeah, of course, I'm so good that 32 00:01:41,959 --> 00:01:47,039 Speaker 1: probably you are cured if you watch my videos. I'm 33 00:01:47,080 --> 00:01:49,280 Speaker 1: being tongue in cheek there. I think I think now 34 00:01:49,320 --> 00:01:51,080 Speaker 1: more than ever. I mean, like you said, the struggle 35 00:01:51,160 --> 00:01:53,320 Speaker 1: is there's lots of good stuff out there, and so 36 00:01:53,360 --> 00:01:56,000 Speaker 1: we can get a good start, we can get some awareness, 37 00:01:56,520 --> 00:01:59,280 Speaker 1: but what's true is it's not tailored to us, and 38 00:01:59,440 --> 00:02:02,440 Speaker 1: without action, it doesn't really get us anywhere. And so 39 00:02:02,520 --> 00:02:06,360 Speaker 1: I've been really just concerned and trying to be intentional 40 00:02:06,400 --> 00:02:08,880 Speaker 1: about I want to help people kind of like recognize 41 00:02:08,880 --> 00:02:10,760 Speaker 1: a place to start, but I don't want them to 42 00:02:10,840 --> 00:02:13,200 Speaker 1: think that their place they're starting is also the end, 43 00:02:13,880 --> 00:02:17,359 Speaker 1: because these are two different spots. Yeah. Well, so there 44 00:02:17,480 --> 00:02:19,720 Speaker 1: is a great content on your Instagram, but a lot 45 00:02:19,960 --> 00:02:24,880 Speaker 1: of the videos focus on relationships and healthy relationships, which 46 00:02:24,880 --> 00:02:27,440 Speaker 1: is again how I found you. And so it made 47 00:02:27,440 --> 00:02:29,200 Speaker 1: me start thinking because you know, I do a lot 48 00:02:29,280 --> 00:02:33,480 Speaker 1: of interviews on this podcast just about trauma and diving 49 00:02:33,480 --> 00:02:37,960 Speaker 1: into your childhood and inner work and um healing. But 50 00:02:38,040 --> 00:02:40,240 Speaker 1: then the goal and a lot of our lives is 51 00:02:40,240 --> 00:02:43,040 Speaker 1: healthy relationships and not just with other people but also 52 00:02:43,120 --> 00:02:46,160 Speaker 1: with yourself. Um. So I feel like a lot of 53 00:02:46,240 --> 00:02:49,160 Speaker 1: you know, we talk about the wise and the how 54 00:02:49,320 --> 00:02:52,239 Speaker 1: you how you got there, but then it's like and 55 00:02:52,280 --> 00:02:56,320 Speaker 1: then what And so your your content was really intriguing 56 00:02:56,400 --> 00:02:59,160 Speaker 1: to me because you're talking about that about the then 57 00:02:59,240 --> 00:03:01,960 Speaker 1: like we're do we go after this? So I think 58 00:03:01,960 --> 00:03:04,440 Speaker 1: a lot of people can say things like I want 59 00:03:04,440 --> 00:03:08,320 Speaker 1: a healthy relationship, but like where do we start? That's 60 00:03:08,360 --> 00:03:11,280 Speaker 1: the part that seems to be so overwhelming. So if 61 00:03:11,320 --> 00:03:15,760 Speaker 1: you had to like put into bullet points where people 62 00:03:15,840 --> 00:03:19,919 Speaker 1: could start, where do we start? Yeah, well, I think 63 00:03:19,919 --> 00:03:22,440 Speaker 1: just an awareness that we want a healthy relationship, right, 64 00:03:22,520 --> 00:03:24,960 Speaker 1: and and then some recognition of is that where I'm 65 00:03:25,000 --> 00:03:27,720 Speaker 1: at or is that an aspirational place had like to be? 66 00:03:28,240 --> 00:03:31,119 Speaker 1: I think just for me. Um. You know, I tell 67 00:03:31,160 --> 00:03:33,000 Speaker 1: people that a lot of why I became a therapist 68 00:03:33,040 --> 00:03:36,080 Speaker 1: is selfish, right, because I came from a place where 69 00:03:36,400 --> 00:03:38,400 Speaker 1: I didn't know what a healthy relationship was and I 70 00:03:38,440 --> 00:03:40,840 Speaker 1: wanted to And so a lot of what drove me 71 00:03:41,000 --> 00:03:44,040 Speaker 1: was just this realization of I'm not I'm not sure 72 00:03:44,080 --> 00:03:45,840 Speaker 1: how to get there, but I know I want that 73 00:03:46,120 --> 00:03:48,840 Speaker 1: versus what I came from. And so I think really 74 00:03:48,880 --> 00:03:51,200 Speaker 1: getting started is just kind of having awareness about, like 75 00:03:51,400 --> 00:03:53,080 Speaker 1: where did you come from? And is that something you 76 00:03:53,080 --> 00:03:55,480 Speaker 1: want to replicate? Is that something that you want to 77 00:03:55,560 --> 00:03:57,880 Speaker 1: change drastically? Do you want to shift that a little bit? 78 00:03:58,160 --> 00:04:00,000 Speaker 1: And then where do I find people who can teach 79 00:04:00,000 --> 00:04:02,920 Speaker 1: to me how to do that? Yeah? And I guess 80 00:04:02,920 --> 00:04:06,080 Speaker 1: my other question would be is what even is a 81 00:04:06,080 --> 00:04:09,240 Speaker 1: healthy relationship? You know, because you said you started your 82 00:04:09,320 --> 00:04:12,080 Speaker 1: journey with thinking I want this, but I don't know 83 00:04:12,080 --> 00:04:13,840 Speaker 1: how to get it. But did you even know what 84 00:04:13,880 --> 00:04:17,160 Speaker 1: you're looking for? Then? No? No, I mean I think 85 00:04:17,600 --> 00:04:19,080 Speaker 1: I think in some ways it's kind of like when 86 00:04:19,120 --> 00:04:21,440 Speaker 1: you get that dresser from Ikea, and like you have 87 00:04:21,560 --> 00:04:23,480 Speaker 1: the gist of what a dress you're supposed to look like, 88 00:04:23,920 --> 00:04:25,920 Speaker 1: there's like these hundred pages of instructions. You're like, I 89 00:04:25,960 --> 00:04:27,280 Speaker 1: don't know what to do with that, Like, I just 90 00:04:27,600 --> 00:04:29,400 Speaker 1: I just want to get there. And so I think 91 00:04:29,440 --> 00:04:33,600 Speaker 1: sometimes when we have wounds or trauma or past experiences 92 00:04:33,640 --> 00:04:36,839 Speaker 1: that informed this stuff, we feel like a healthy relationship 93 00:04:36,920 --> 00:04:40,520 Speaker 1: is a destination on a process. And so I think 94 00:04:40,520 --> 00:04:42,960 Speaker 1: even for myself personally, when I got into this business, 95 00:04:43,000 --> 00:04:45,520 Speaker 1: like for me, that was that was like the destination. 96 00:04:45,600 --> 00:04:47,640 Speaker 1: You know, you kind of you reach a healthy relationship 97 00:04:47,720 --> 00:04:49,800 Speaker 1: and then I don't know, like the skies open up 98 00:04:49,839 --> 00:04:53,039 Speaker 1: and like something amazing happens, there's unicorns, and yeah, I 99 00:04:53,080 --> 00:04:55,120 Speaker 1: didn't like you're done. Um, And I think what I've 100 00:04:55,200 --> 00:04:56,840 Speaker 1: learned along the way is no, it's just like it's 101 00:04:56,880 --> 00:04:59,440 Speaker 1: more of a process. It's a thing that we do. 102 00:04:59,520 --> 00:05:02,160 Speaker 1: It's a win of life, but but not you know, 103 00:05:02,200 --> 00:05:03,920 Speaker 1: the thing that we're probably ever going to arrive at 104 00:05:03,920 --> 00:05:06,960 Speaker 1: in the way that we want to. I like that 105 00:05:07,120 --> 00:05:09,600 Speaker 1: the reminder that it's a process and a journey. So 106 00:05:09,680 --> 00:05:12,520 Speaker 1: you said the first step would be to just you know, 107 00:05:12,760 --> 00:05:14,520 Speaker 1: kind of have the awareness that this is what I'm 108 00:05:14,560 --> 00:05:17,760 Speaker 1: looking for. Um, But then what does it look like 109 00:05:17,839 --> 00:05:21,760 Speaker 1: after that, because if it is such a journey, um, 110 00:05:22,320 --> 00:05:24,719 Speaker 1: like what how do we know what we're doing or 111 00:05:25,080 --> 00:05:28,479 Speaker 1: how do we even try to start navigating that? Yeah? 112 00:05:28,560 --> 00:05:31,560 Speaker 1: So I think just the easiest thing is to identify, Um, 113 00:05:31,600 --> 00:05:33,480 Speaker 1: you know, it's just what I want? Is it now? 114 00:05:33,520 --> 00:05:35,479 Speaker 1: What I want? And if it isn't, then who has 115 00:05:35,560 --> 00:05:38,760 Speaker 1: what I want? Like? Where where would I go and identify? 116 00:05:38,920 --> 00:05:40,880 Speaker 1: Like that person seems to be doing the thing I 117 00:05:40,880 --> 00:05:43,240 Speaker 1: want to do, right, they seem to have the relationship 118 00:05:43,279 --> 00:05:45,280 Speaker 1: I want, they seem to have the confidence I want 119 00:05:45,400 --> 00:05:48,240 Speaker 1: or whatever that thing is. And you start there. You 120 00:05:48,400 --> 00:05:51,559 Speaker 1: literally you put yourself in places with those types of people. 121 00:05:51,560 --> 00:05:53,800 Speaker 1: So that might be a therapist, it might be like 122 00:05:53,839 --> 00:05:56,800 Speaker 1: a mentor couple, might be a community group. I mean 123 00:05:56,839 --> 00:05:58,760 Speaker 1: any one of those things. But you go where the 124 00:05:58,760 --> 00:06:01,160 Speaker 1: people you want to be like are And I know 125 00:06:01,480 --> 00:06:03,600 Speaker 1: the whole maxim about you know, you are the people 126 00:06:03,640 --> 00:06:06,360 Speaker 1: you spend time with this cliche, but it's also true. 127 00:06:06,760 --> 00:06:09,279 Speaker 1: And so if we want to have this healthy relationship, 128 00:06:09,279 --> 00:06:12,880 Speaker 1: we've got to start with who we think has one. Yeah, 129 00:06:12,920 --> 00:06:17,040 Speaker 1: and it's not just about relationships like romantic, right, because 130 00:06:17,320 --> 00:06:19,360 Speaker 1: I mean, for me, what I've noticed in my life 131 00:06:19,600 --> 00:06:23,480 Speaker 1: is the things that I bump up against in romantic relationships. 132 00:06:23,880 --> 00:06:26,120 Speaker 1: Even if I get out of that relationship, then I'll 133 00:06:26,120 --> 00:06:28,000 Speaker 1: still you know, I'm still me and I'm still stuck 134 00:06:28,040 --> 00:06:30,359 Speaker 1: with me, and so I still start bumping up against 135 00:06:30,440 --> 00:06:34,280 Speaker 1: the same issues in my work, in my relationship with myself, 136 00:06:34,360 --> 00:06:36,559 Speaker 1: and for me, most of it has ended up being 137 00:06:37,440 --> 00:06:40,680 Speaker 1: some sort of healing that I need within me to 138 00:06:40,839 --> 00:06:43,880 Speaker 1: be able to show up differently in all areas of 139 00:06:43,920 --> 00:06:47,440 Speaker 1: my life. Does that make sense? Oh? Absolutely? I mean, 140 00:06:47,480 --> 00:06:50,599 Speaker 1: I think a relationship with ourselves is really the model 141 00:06:50,640 --> 00:06:54,680 Speaker 1: for every other relationship, right, because we recruit other people 142 00:06:54,960 --> 00:06:57,640 Speaker 1: into that space, and the problems we have often are 143 00:06:57,680 --> 00:07:00,599 Speaker 1: just exacerbated, right, And so if we're are coming into 144 00:07:00,720 --> 00:07:04,000 Speaker 1: relationship with some woundedness, if we don't take care of that, 145 00:07:04,040 --> 00:07:06,479 Speaker 1: it's just going to show up in the relationship, you know. 146 00:07:06,560 --> 00:07:09,440 Speaker 1: I think sometimes we believe the relationship will solve it. 147 00:07:09,760 --> 00:07:11,760 Speaker 1: And man, I love that idea because that idea means 148 00:07:11,760 --> 00:07:13,640 Speaker 1: like you don't have to do anything except forget to 149 00:07:13,640 --> 00:07:16,840 Speaker 1: do a relationship. Yeah, I mean that's awesome, and if 150 00:07:16,880 --> 00:07:19,040 Speaker 1: you can swing it, cool, But but most of the 151 00:07:19,120 --> 00:07:21,800 Speaker 1: time you're going to be the same person. And so 152 00:07:21,960 --> 00:07:25,160 Speaker 1: if that person is not someone that you like, If 153 00:07:25,160 --> 00:07:28,200 Speaker 1: you don't have that healthy relationship with yourself, chances are 154 00:07:28,560 --> 00:07:32,080 Speaker 1: romantic relationships or friendships or professional relationships are going to 155 00:07:32,120 --> 00:07:35,360 Speaker 1: be a challenge. Right with your work, I mean, you're 156 00:07:35,400 --> 00:07:39,320 Speaker 1: doing a lot, like we said, with addiction based situations. 157 00:07:39,560 --> 00:07:41,600 Speaker 1: What are the things that you're seeing people bump up 158 00:07:41,600 --> 00:07:44,679 Speaker 1: against when they're saying like, Okay, yeah I need therapy, 159 00:07:44,800 --> 00:07:48,480 Speaker 1: I want to work through some things. Um, But then 160 00:07:48,560 --> 00:07:50,800 Speaker 1: like what are they struggling with? Like, what are the 161 00:07:50,840 --> 00:07:53,440 Speaker 1: main things you're having to work through with people? Yeah? 162 00:07:53,480 --> 00:07:55,800 Speaker 1: I mean I think, um, some of the themes that 163 00:07:55,840 --> 00:07:58,000 Speaker 1: I see are just am I worthy? Right? Am I 164 00:07:58,080 --> 00:08:00,960 Speaker 1: worthy of a relationship? Is that for me? Like I 165 00:08:00,960 --> 00:08:03,360 Speaker 1: know where I came from, I haven't had it. Maybe 166 00:08:03,360 --> 00:08:06,520 Speaker 1: that's so something about me? Or we might wonder am 167 00:08:06,560 --> 00:08:09,320 Speaker 1: I okay? Or am I lovable? We're all here am 168 00:08:09,320 --> 00:08:12,200 Speaker 1: I too much? And and so when we have those 169 00:08:12,280 --> 00:08:14,280 Speaker 1: kind of core wounds or I'll say, you know, things 170 00:08:14,280 --> 00:08:16,640 Speaker 1: that are kind of tattooed on our heart, we carry 171 00:08:16,640 --> 00:08:18,559 Speaker 1: those around with us, and so we kind of find 172 00:08:18,600 --> 00:08:22,080 Speaker 1: people to help answer that question, and that's not always 173 00:08:22,080 --> 00:08:24,680 Speaker 1: so helpful for us. Right, So if we say, Um, 174 00:08:24,840 --> 00:08:26,120 Speaker 1: you know, I don't know that I'm enough, and you 175 00:08:26,160 --> 00:08:28,400 Speaker 1: tell me I'm enough. That the cost is a really 176 00:08:28,400 --> 00:08:31,400 Speaker 1: crappy relationship. I don't want you to settle for that right. 177 00:08:31,440 --> 00:08:33,320 Speaker 1: I want you to know how to answer that question 178 00:08:33,320 --> 00:08:37,040 Speaker 1: for yourself. Yeah, it's so interesting in our culture because 179 00:08:37,080 --> 00:08:40,240 Speaker 1: I feel like so much of our life and maybe 180 00:08:40,240 --> 00:08:42,480 Speaker 1: this is just I'm making this up about social media, 181 00:08:42,840 --> 00:08:45,720 Speaker 1: but it feels like we like lead with this um 182 00:08:45,760 --> 00:08:49,680 Speaker 1: what's the word, just this version of ourselves that seems 183 00:08:49,720 --> 00:08:51,679 Speaker 1: like we have it all together. And so it's so 184 00:08:51,760 --> 00:08:54,480 Speaker 1: interesting to me when I'm really digging deeper in conversations 185 00:08:54,480 --> 00:08:57,040 Speaker 1: with people, how many people really do resonate with that 186 00:08:57,200 --> 00:09:00,360 Speaker 1: one thing, like I'm not enough or I'm not worthy, 187 00:09:00,440 --> 00:09:03,160 Speaker 1: And it's so funny to me. Are interesting, I guess 188 00:09:03,559 --> 00:09:06,240 Speaker 1: because if you base it off of someone's Instagram, they 189 00:09:06,320 --> 00:09:09,640 Speaker 1: think they're worthy, you know, like on the outside, people 190 00:09:09,720 --> 00:09:12,199 Speaker 1: just lead with that, it seems. But it seems like 191 00:09:12,240 --> 00:09:15,839 Speaker 1: a big core issue in our country specifically of just 192 00:09:15,880 --> 00:09:20,040 Speaker 1: like not knowing our own worthiness and maybe it's a 193 00:09:20,080 --> 00:09:24,320 Speaker 1: disconnection from self. Yeah, I think, well, I think it 194 00:09:24,360 --> 00:09:25,840 Speaker 1: has a lot to do with where we come from 195 00:09:25,840 --> 00:09:29,320 Speaker 1: and how we were raised right, and so albeit maybe 196 00:09:29,320 --> 00:09:32,200 Speaker 1: our parents or caretakers didn't didn't mean to impart that 197 00:09:32,320 --> 00:09:34,520 Speaker 1: question on us, we might have internalized that and so 198 00:09:34,720 --> 00:09:37,600 Speaker 1: I think a lot of times it stems from past experience. 199 00:09:38,160 --> 00:09:40,720 Speaker 1: But to your point, you know, we live in a 200 00:09:40,720 --> 00:09:43,079 Speaker 1: place where you put the best stuff out right, you 201 00:09:43,280 --> 00:09:45,560 Speaker 1: don't put that other stuff out And so that the 202 00:09:45,720 --> 00:09:49,560 Speaker 1: challenges is we're seemingly more connected than ever, but actually 203 00:09:49,640 --> 00:09:52,640 Speaker 1: less connected because we're not connected in vulnerability. And the 204 00:09:52,720 --> 00:09:55,600 Speaker 1: thing is is that people connect on vulnerability, not the 205 00:09:55,640 --> 00:09:58,439 Speaker 1: presentation we make. And I think that's the struggle all 206 00:09:58,480 --> 00:10:01,640 Speaker 1: of us have, is um putting that truth out there, 207 00:10:01,720 --> 00:10:04,520 Speaker 1: which is you know, it's it's great and it's terrible. 208 00:10:04,559 --> 00:10:08,320 Speaker 1: Sometimes it's both. Yeah, And I mean as far as 209 00:10:08,400 --> 00:10:11,000 Speaker 1: vulnerability goes, I think there's like this balance, right because 210 00:10:11,360 --> 00:10:14,840 Speaker 1: then we see this other thing happening on I'm using 211 00:10:14,880 --> 00:10:16,800 Speaker 1: social media. I don't know why. It's just really pinging 212 00:10:16,800 --> 00:10:20,200 Speaker 1: me right now, but um of just the oversharing, and 213 00:10:20,240 --> 00:10:24,000 Speaker 1: so it's like this balance between like what is vulnerability 214 00:10:24,040 --> 00:10:27,439 Speaker 1: if you had to define it, what does that actually mean? Yeah, 215 00:10:27,480 --> 00:10:30,520 Speaker 1: I think vulnerability, to me in practical terms, just showing 216 00:10:30,520 --> 00:10:33,480 Speaker 1: ourselves to others, right, And so I think there's degrees 217 00:10:33,640 --> 00:10:35,520 Speaker 1: of that. And to your point, we have to know 218 00:10:35,559 --> 00:10:38,960 Speaker 1: our audience and not everybody's our audience. And so I 219 00:10:39,000 --> 00:10:42,320 Speaker 1: think UM is my social media platform my audience for 220 00:10:42,400 --> 00:10:44,960 Speaker 1: my deepest, most vulnerable stuff. Probably not, like I don't 221 00:10:45,000 --> 00:10:47,520 Speaker 1: know that that's what they signed up for. A great 222 00:10:47,559 --> 00:10:49,679 Speaker 1: friend or a therapist might be. But we have to 223 00:10:50,160 --> 00:10:51,640 Speaker 1: we have to know who's going to be able to 224 00:10:51,679 --> 00:10:53,960 Speaker 1: receive that and help us with it. Yeah. I like 225 00:10:54,000 --> 00:10:56,440 Speaker 1: the word receiving because it's also about safety, right, Like, 226 00:10:56,520 --> 00:11:00,200 Speaker 1: not everyone gets to know all your insides because they're 227 00:11:00,240 --> 00:11:03,880 Speaker 1: not safe as people who can hold that information without 228 00:11:04,000 --> 00:11:06,520 Speaker 1: judgment or anything like that. Yeah, and they might not 229 00:11:06,559 --> 00:11:08,640 Speaker 1: even want that job. I mean, that's the saying is 230 00:11:08,679 --> 00:11:11,120 Speaker 1: you know, they might not be volunteering for that. And 231 00:11:11,200 --> 00:11:13,679 Speaker 1: so some of the challenge that we have to have, 232 00:11:13,840 --> 00:11:16,440 Speaker 1: even if we want that healthy relationship is just learning 233 00:11:16,440 --> 00:11:19,480 Speaker 1: how to identify safe and healthy people to share with, because, 234 00:11:19,480 --> 00:11:21,319 Speaker 1: like you said, it's not going to be everybody. It's 235 00:11:21,360 --> 00:11:23,760 Speaker 1: nothing against people, but not everyone's going to be in 236 00:11:23,800 --> 00:11:27,200 Speaker 1: the inner circle. Okay, if you had to put together 237 00:11:27,320 --> 00:11:30,320 Speaker 1: some keystones of a healthy relationship, what would they be? 238 00:11:31,160 --> 00:11:32,960 Speaker 1: You know, they'd probably be boring and stuff that you've 239 00:11:32,960 --> 00:11:35,600 Speaker 1: heard before, but they're true anyway. I mean, I think 240 00:11:35,640 --> 00:11:38,840 Speaker 1: it's it's communication. I think it's finding a way to 241 00:11:38,920 --> 00:11:42,400 Speaker 1: express intimacy. There's different types of intimacy, and so it's 242 00:11:42,440 --> 00:11:44,720 Speaker 1: not just sex. But how do we connect on an 243 00:11:44,760 --> 00:11:48,640 Speaker 1: intimate level? Um, I think we have shared values and principles. 244 00:11:49,200 --> 00:11:51,840 Speaker 1: Do we have some similar interests? Don't have to be identical, 245 00:11:51,920 --> 00:11:54,360 Speaker 1: but like, are we generally headed in the same direction? 246 00:11:54,800 --> 00:12:00,280 Speaker 1: Because that's really important? So that is really important, yeah lutely, 247 00:12:00,320 --> 00:12:02,120 Speaker 1: because otherwise how do we get there? Right? So if 248 00:12:02,120 --> 00:12:04,840 Speaker 1: I'm going left and you're going right, I mean, that's 249 00:12:04,920 --> 00:12:06,800 Speaker 1: like a storybook romance, but I don't know how that 250 00:12:06,840 --> 00:12:13,400 Speaker 1: works out after ten or twenty years. Because there's an 251 00:12:13,400 --> 00:12:15,920 Speaker 1: interesting thing, Like I've heard people say, you know, well, 252 00:12:16,000 --> 00:12:18,080 Speaker 1: this is my hobby. I don't really want my partner 253 00:12:18,080 --> 00:12:20,080 Speaker 1: to go do that with me. But I see what 254 00:12:20,120 --> 00:12:22,160 Speaker 1: you're saying because a lot of times, to me, the 255 00:12:22,320 --> 00:12:24,720 Speaker 1: things that you're passionate about and especially what you give 256 00:12:24,760 --> 00:12:26,760 Speaker 1: your free time to kind of line up with your 257 00:12:26,840 --> 00:12:30,120 Speaker 1: value system in some ways. And so if they're out 258 00:12:30,120 --> 00:12:33,040 Speaker 1: of line, then you're just like you said, going in 259 00:12:33,080 --> 00:12:36,319 Speaker 1: completely different directions. Yeah, and that becomes a challenge. And 260 00:12:36,600 --> 00:12:39,440 Speaker 1: not that we can't overcome challenges through communication and things 261 00:12:39,440 --> 00:12:42,520 Speaker 1: like that, but but it's just another challenge. So I think, 262 00:12:42,720 --> 00:12:44,480 Speaker 1: you know, if you want that relationship, you have to 263 00:12:44,520 --> 00:12:46,880 Speaker 1: be able to look at how does this all add 264 00:12:46,960 --> 00:12:49,000 Speaker 1: up and try to be objective, which is hard to 265 00:12:49,040 --> 00:12:53,839 Speaker 1: do in a new relationship. That's a really good point. Okay, Well, 266 00:12:53,880 --> 00:12:56,199 Speaker 1: as I mentioned, I've found you on Instagram. I love 267 00:12:56,240 --> 00:12:57,960 Speaker 1: the videos you post any a lot of the times 268 00:12:58,000 --> 00:13:01,080 Speaker 1: you do these like three ways to X, Y and Z. 269 00:13:01,480 --> 00:13:03,880 Speaker 1: So if you guys are looking for tips on relationships 270 00:13:03,880 --> 00:13:05,280 Speaker 1: on some of the things we've been talking about in 271 00:13:05,280 --> 00:13:08,520 Speaker 1: a little more detail, go check Jason's Instagram out. Um. 272 00:13:08,559 --> 00:13:10,400 Speaker 1: I kind of wanted to do. There was a couple 273 00:13:10,480 --> 00:13:13,080 Speaker 1: that have really stuck out to me lately, and so 274 00:13:13,200 --> 00:13:14,640 Speaker 1: if we could do maybe a little bit of a 275 00:13:14,760 --> 00:13:18,800 Speaker 1: rapid fire review of those videos. Um, I'll just tell 276 00:13:18,800 --> 00:13:20,120 Speaker 1: you the ones that they are and then maybe you 277 00:13:20,120 --> 00:13:22,640 Speaker 1: can kind of review with the listeners what you were 278 00:13:22,679 --> 00:13:25,720 Speaker 1: talking about in these videos. Um. But one of the 279 00:13:25,800 --> 00:13:30,160 Speaker 1: things that I loved recently was you said healthy couples 280 00:13:30,360 --> 00:13:34,960 Speaker 1: circle back. Yeah, tell us about that video. Yeah, so 281 00:13:35,000 --> 00:13:37,920 Speaker 1: I think, um, you know, when we're a conflict avoiding, 282 00:13:37,960 --> 00:13:40,240 Speaker 1: we can do this thing where we kind of run 283 00:13:40,280 --> 00:13:43,480 Speaker 1: into conflict and then we say that was super uncomfortable. 284 00:13:43,840 --> 00:13:46,560 Speaker 1: I was angry, and let's just not do that again, 285 00:13:47,000 --> 00:13:49,240 Speaker 1: and both parties just kind of agree that, like, yeah, 286 00:13:49,240 --> 00:13:50,640 Speaker 1: it would just be better if we didn't do that, 287 00:13:50,720 --> 00:13:53,559 Speaker 1: and so the feelings passed and then they just keep going. 288 00:13:53,760 --> 00:13:55,520 Speaker 1: And so I think what we need to do is 289 00:13:55,559 --> 00:13:58,840 Speaker 1: we need to circle back because oftentimes what happens is 290 00:13:58,880 --> 00:14:02,600 Speaker 1: that if we don't deal with it, resentment develops. And 291 00:14:02,679 --> 00:14:06,160 Speaker 1: so even though the feelings might temporarily subside, the resentment 292 00:14:06,240 --> 00:14:08,360 Speaker 1: is still there and the conflict of the problem is 293 00:14:08,400 --> 00:14:12,160 Speaker 1: still unresolved. And so that circling back thing is important. Um. 294 00:14:12,200 --> 00:14:14,280 Speaker 1: I got some really good feedback actually, So that's one 295 00:14:14,280 --> 00:14:16,480 Speaker 1: of the benefits of getting to do this is I'm 296 00:14:16,520 --> 00:14:19,640 Speaker 1: I'm always getting good feedback to uh. And someone had 297 00:14:19,680 --> 00:14:21,600 Speaker 1: said something about, you know what if we're always just 298 00:14:21,640 --> 00:14:24,720 Speaker 1: circling back, and so I would add that, like, circling 299 00:14:24,720 --> 00:14:28,080 Speaker 1: back is important if we're working towards resolution, right, So 300 00:14:28,160 --> 00:14:31,600 Speaker 1: like rehashing or beating something to depth without resolution isn't 301 00:14:31,600 --> 00:14:34,120 Speaker 1: really beneficial. But what I'm kind of calling people to 302 00:14:34,120 --> 00:14:37,080 Speaker 1: do is like circle back and resolve it. Okay, And 303 00:14:37,120 --> 00:14:40,600 Speaker 1: so what if you are finding yourself consistently circling back 304 00:14:40,640 --> 00:14:42,440 Speaker 1: to the same issue, is that when to go ask 305 00:14:42,440 --> 00:14:46,360 Speaker 1: for help? Perfect? Yeah, if we can't resolve it, um, 306 00:14:46,400 --> 00:14:47,840 Speaker 1: I would just you know, if you come in to 307 00:14:47,920 --> 00:14:49,560 Speaker 1: talk to me, like I would say, Hey, tell me 308 00:14:49,640 --> 00:14:51,760 Speaker 1: three things you've tried to resolve this, Like, give me 309 00:14:51,840 --> 00:14:54,840 Speaker 1: three attempts you've made. And if you've made three and 310 00:14:54,880 --> 00:14:56,880 Speaker 1: they haven't worked, then yet it's probably time to recruit 311 00:14:56,880 --> 00:15:00,760 Speaker 1: some help for that. Yeah, um, okay. Another thing I 312 00:15:00,840 --> 00:15:03,720 Speaker 1: loved was this video you did that you pointed out 313 00:15:03,760 --> 00:15:07,520 Speaker 1: the superpowers of trauma survivors, because you know, there's so 314 00:15:07,640 --> 00:15:11,440 Speaker 1: much out there about the wounds of trauma and how 315 00:15:11,480 --> 00:15:14,640 Speaker 1: to work through trauma, but no one really talks about 316 00:15:14,640 --> 00:15:18,160 Speaker 1: how resilient so many trauma survivors are. And then, in 317 00:15:18,200 --> 00:15:21,480 Speaker 1: my experience, exactly what you talked about in this video, 318 00:15:22,360 --> 00:15:25,000 Speaker 1: what it opens up like if you do do the 319 00:15:25,040 --> 00:15:29,480 Speaker 1: work after whatever said trauma, you've experienced the kind of 320 00:15:29,520 --> 00:15:33,320 Speaker 1: capacity that I see people have for human connection, love, 321 00:15:33,440 --> 00:15:35,400 Speaker 1: all of the things seems to be so much greater. 322 00:15:35,440 --> 00:15:37,800 Speaker 1: So can you speak to all of those topics and 323 00:15:37,800 --> 00:15:40,120 Speaker 1: what you talked about in this video a little bit. Yeah, 324 00:15:40,160 --> 00:15:42,400 Speaker 1: I mean I think, like you said, we spend a 325 00:15:42,400 --> 00:15:44,960 Speaker 1: lot of time focusing on problems, right, and and just 326 00:15:45,040 --> 00:15:47,160 Speaker 1: saying like, you know, if you're a trauma surviver, like 327 00:15:47,200 --> 00:15:49,360 Speaker 1: this is what comes with it, and it's sort of 328 00:15:49,400 --> 00:15:51,440 Speaker 1: like this terrible thing right here, here's what you get. 329 00:15:51,480 --> 00:15:53,560 Speaker 1: You get all these problems, And I just think, like, 330 00:15:53,560 --> 00:15:55,760 Speaker 1: what about the other side, because what I know about 331 00:15:55,760 --> 00:15:58,360 Speaker 1: our behaviors that there's both parts of that. Right, in 332 00:15:58,440 --> 00:16:01,160 Speaker 1: some situations it is neg it than challenging in other 333 00:16:01,240 --> 00:16:05,080 Speaker 1: situations is helpful. Um. And So while I know that 334 00:16:05,120 --> 00:16:08,200 Speaker 1: no one listening to myself included, would like to volunteer 335 00:16:08,400 --> 00:16:11,080 Speaker 1: to have a traumatic experience, right, no one saying that, 336 00:16:11,560 --> 00:16:13,760 Speaker 1: I think that sometimes when we do the work, like 337 00:16:13,800 --> 00:16:15,920 Speaker 1: you said, there can be good and beautiful things that 338 00:16:16,000 --> 00:16:19,600 Speaker 1: come from that. Yeah. I mean, in my experience, the 339 00:16:19,640 --> 00:16:22,160 Speaker 1: most traumatic experiences in my life, like you said, have 340 00:16:22,280 --> 00:16:25,160 Speaker 1: not been fun. But I always liked the version of 341 00:16:25,200 --> 00:16:29,120 Speaker 1: myself after the experience so much more because it just 342 00:16:29,560 --> 00:16:31,960 Speaker 1: like they always say, you know, when your heart gets broken, 343 00:16:32,000 --> 00:16:34,280 Speaker 1: it cracks open and actually that's when the love can 344 00:16:34,360 --> 00:16:37,440 Speaker 1: really flow out. And so, like what I've noticed about 345 00:16:37,600 --> 00:16:40,600 Speaker 1: who I've become, as I have developed a greater sense 346 00:16:40,640 --> 00:16:44,800 Speaker 1: of empathy, Um, you know, just like my ability because 347 00:16:44,800 --> 00:16:47,680 Speaker 1: of the work I've done on myself, my ability to 348 00:16:47,680 --> 00:16:50,160 Speaker 1: show up in relationships is better than it was before. 349 00:16:50,320 --> 00:16:52,080 Speaker 1: As crazy as it is to say, because a lot 350 00:16:52,080 --> 00:16:56,160 Speaker 1: of the trauma has come from relationships, UM yeah, it 351 00:16:56,240 --> 00:16:59,560 Speaker 1: just seems like if you do the work, you're actually 352 00:17:00,040 --> 00:17:03,200 Speaker 1: hopefully going to find yourself on the better side. After 353 00:17:04,119 --> 00:17:07,200 Speaker 1: absolutely you have that depth of understanding and experience, and 354 00:17:07,480 --> 00:17:10,240 Speaker 1: it is, like you said, it's painful, it's it's challenging 355 00:17:10,280 --> 00:17:12,360 Speaker 1: to do that work, and yet there can be good 356 00:17:12,359 --> 00:17:14,840 Speaker 1: that comes from that. And so my feeling is like, 357 00:17:14,840 --> 00:17:17,080 Speaker 1: why don't we talk about the good right because if 358 00:17:17,119 --> 00:17:21,000 Speaker 1: I'm if I'm struggling, you know, with a traumatic experience, UM, 359 00:17:21,400 --> 00:17:23,000 Speaker 1: I don't know that I need to be told about 360 00:17:23,040 --> 00:17:25,200 Speaker 1: all the bad things right away. Maybe I need some hope. 361 00:17:25,359 --> 00:17:28,360 Speaker 1: And so my kind of thought processes as a therapist 362 00:17:28,400 --> 00:17:30,760 Speaker 1: and just as a person who's had trauma, is, um, 363 00:17:30,800 --> 00:17:33,159 Speaker 1: I needed hope. I need to hope more than anything 364 00:17:33,160 --> 00:17:35,320 Speaker 1: else at that point. And so that's what I'm gonna 365 00:17:35,320 --> 00:17:38,480 Speaker 1: try to give people. Yeah, and do you find that 366 00:17:38,960 --> 00:17:41,320 Speaker 1: it takes away the terminal uniqueness when you start talking 367 00:17:41,320 --> 00:17:43,720 Speaker 1: about all the aspects of it, like, let me try 368 00:17:43,720 --> 00:17:46,480 Speaker 1: to reward that, you know, Like I feel like when 369 00:17:46,520 --> 00:17:48,720 Speaker 1: you go through something traumatic, a lot of times it's 370 00:17:48,720 --> 00:17:52,120 Speaker 1: just isolating and you feel like, oh my gosh, my 371 00:17:52,200 --> 00:17:56,640 Speaker 1: life is terrible. These things happen to me. I'm isolated 372 00:17:56,640 --> 00:17:59,240 Speaker 1: in this. And then if you can find a safe 373 00:17:59,240 --> 00:18:01,200 Speaker 1: space to open up, I think you realize a lot 374 00:18:01,200 --> 00:18:03,600 Speaker 1: of times that most of us have had some sort 375 00:18:03,640 --> 00:18:06,280 Speaker 1: of trauma at some point in our life, and so 376 00:18:06,600 --> 00:18:10,639 Speaker 1: it's really learning how to process through it, navigate, get 377 00:18:10,720 --> 00:18:13,480 Speaker 1: to the other side, and then use it in a positive, 378 00:18:13,520 --> 00:18:16,600 Speaker 1: a positive way. But you aren't alone, I guess, is 379 00:18:16,640 --> 00:18:19,240 Speaker 1: my whole point. Yeah, And I'm with you. I mean, 380 00:18:19,320 --> 00:18:22,200 Speaker 1: I think one of the most probably beautiful and heartbreaking 381 00:18:22,200 --> 00:18:25,280 Speaker 1: things that I experienced doing work with people is when 382 00:18:25,320 --> 00:18:27,760 Speaker 1: they share an experience that they're certain no one else 383 00:18:27,800 --> 00:18:31,159 Speaker 1: has had and they find that other people have in 384 00:18:31,240 --> 00:18:33,560 Speaker 1: fact had that, And it's just a beautiful thing to 385 00:18:33,600 --> 00:18:35,560 Speaker 1: see people kind of open up and be received and 386 00:18:35,880 --> 00:18:38,600 Speaker 1: feel like they're in community. But it's also terrible in 387 00:18:38,640 --> 00:18:42,159 Speaker 1: the sense that sometimes we wait years to make that realization. Right, 388 00:18:42,240 --> 00:18:45,560 Speaker 1: Sometimes we carry a thing that we're certain is only 389 00:18:45,640 --> 00:18:48,480 Speaker 1: ours that no one else has experienced for five, ten, 390 00:18:48,600 --> 00:18:51,639 Speaker 1: twenty years, and it costs us quite a bit. And 391 00:18:51,680 --> 00:18:54,600 Speaker 1: so that's the challenge, right, is getting that out and 392 00:18:54,600 --> 00:18:57,560 Speaker 1: getting connected because to your point, in some ways, to 393 00:18:58,080 --> 00:19:01,280 Speaker 1: lose things and have pain and trauma, like, that's part 394 00:19:01,320 --> 00:19:03,960 Speaker 1: of the human experiences. It's again nothing we're signing up for, 395 00:19:04,119 --> 00:19:07,960 Speaker 1: but it is part of the deal quite often. Yeah, exactly. Okay, 396 00:19:08,040 --> 00:19:13,679 Speaker 1: tell us about the video that talks about compromise versus sacrifice. Yeah, well, 397 00:19:13,720 --> 00:19:15,919 Speaker 1: I love a good sacrifice. I mean, I think sacrifices 398 00:19:15,960 --> 00:19:18,680 Speaker 1: are awesome. Yeah, they're they're good. You get to kind 399 00:19:18,680 --> 00:19:20,800 Speaker 1: of be the hero and and save the day, which 400 00:19:20,880 --> 00:19:23,520 Speaker 1: is one of my favorite things to do. But at 401 00:19:23,520 --> 00:19:25,639 Speaker 1: the end of the day, you know, maybe maybe it's 402 00:19:25,680 --> 00:19:28,600 Speaker 1: not so great because maybe the more you sacrifice, you 403 00:19:28,600 --> 00:19:31,399 Speaker 1: start to like keep score a little bit and you 404 00:19:31,440 --> 00:19:34,120 Speaker 1: start to remember, you know, like I sacrifice a little 405 00:19:34,160 --> 00:19:36,840 Speaker 1: more than you did. And so I think the challenges 406 00:19:36,920 --> 00:19:38,879 Speaker 1: is just to kind of have some awareness about that 407 00:19:39,000 --> 00:19:43,360 Speaker 1: because some of us fall into the sacrifice category pretty easily. Yeah. 408 00:19:43,480 --> 00:19:45,280 Speaker 1: And then the other thing I was thinking about when 409 00:19:45,280 --> 00:19:48,960 Speaker 1: you were talking was the more sacrifice sometimes, the more 410 00:19:49,080 --> 00:19:52,160 Speaker 1: inauthentic I'm actually being, because I like end up giving 411 00:19:52,240 --> 00:19:55,199 Speaker 1: up so much of myself that I lose myself to 412 00:19:55,240 --> 00:19:58,359 Speaker 1: the relationship or whatever the need is. And that's not 413 00:19:58,680 --> 00:20:01,000 Speaker 1: I mean one that is not healthy. But that's not, 414 00:20:01,480 --> 00:20:04,359 Speaker 1: like I said, authentic either, And so there is no 415 00:20:04,520 --> 00:20:08,960 Speaker 1: basis for true connection or vulnerability when you're constantly in 416 00:20:09,000 --> 00:20:14,120 Speaker 1: that rescuing quote unquote sacrifice position. Yeah. Absolutely, And then 417 00:20:14,119 --> 00:20:16,600 Speaker 1: what's what's difficult is I think eventually, if we do 418 00:20:16,680 --> 00:20:18,439 Speaker 1: it often enough, we kind of set the tone of 419 00:20:18,440 --> 00:20:22,600 Speaker 1: the relationship as being I'm gonna sacrifice or you'll sacrificed. 420 00:20:22,920 --> 00:20:24,639 Speaker 1: And if we're not careful, we become kind of this 421 00:20:24,760 --> 00:20:27,960 Speaker 1: ridiculous parody of ourselves, right, we're just like, I don't like, 422 00:20:28,080 --> 00:20:30,880 Speaker 1: who is this person that's saying and doing these things? 423 00:20:30,920 --> 00:20:33,399 Speaker 1: And that's not me? Um. And I did it, you know, 424 00:20:33,480 --> 00:20:35,199 Speaker 1: the first five times because I thought it would make 425 00:20:35,200 --> 00:20:37,040 Speaker 1: it go away. And now this is this is kind 426 00:20:37,040 --> 00:20:39,320 Speaker 1: of a permanent thing in our relationship, and that's when 427 00:20:39,320 --> 00:20:43,240 Speaker 1: the problems really start. Is that why people I know, 428 00:20:43,400 --> 00:20:46,000 Speaker 1: for me, I resonate with like getting stuck in that 429 00:20:46,080 --> 00:20:48,719 Speaker 1: loop because just like what you just said, it just 430 00:20:48,760 --> 00:20:50,720 Speaker 1: seems easier. Like in the beginning, you're like, let me 431 00:20:50,760 --> 00:20:52,480 Speaker 1: just fix this. I can do this really fast. Not 432 00:20:52,640 --> 00:20:55,399 Speaker 1: to be done, but ultimately to have the conversation to 433 00:20:55,440 --> 00:20:58,960 Speaker 1: find the compromise and something that works for everyone might 434 00:20:58,960 --> 00:21:00,920 Speaker 1: take a little longer, but like in the long run, 435 00:21:00,920 --> 00:21:03,960 Speaker 1: it actually becomes easier. Like is that is that how 436 00:21:04,000 --> 00:21:06,359 Speaker 1: we get ourselves in that pickle of sacrifice? Is just 437 00:21:06,400 --> 00:21:09,840 Speaker 1: thinking like this seems like the easy way out. Yeah, 438 00:21:09,880 --> 00:21:11,840 Speaker 1: I think it's feeling like it's the easy way out. 439 00:21:11,880 --> 00:21:15,520 Speaker 1: I think it's also conflict avoidance. I think it's um 440 00:21:15,560 --> 00:21:17,159 Speaker 1: some of those kind of am I enough and I 441 00:21:17,240 --> 00:21:21,440 Speaker 1: too much? Kind of managing the other person? But the challenges, 442 00:21:22,080 --> 00:21:24,840 Speaker 1: you know, it's anxiety provoking to give someone space to 443 00:21:24,880 --> 00:21:28,080 Speaker 1: figure it out. Like I would rather just sacrifice than 444 00:21:28,160 --> 00:21:30,639 Speaker 1: to give you space and see if you actually figure 445 00:21:30,680 --> 00:21:34,640 Speaker 1: it out or not, because I risk rejection in that, right, 446 00:21:34,680 --> 00:21:37,159 Speaker 1: I mean, And so it's I remember like when I 447 00:21:37,200 --> 00:21:39,680 Speaker 1: first became a therapist, you know, there would be these 448 00:21:39,720 --> 00:21:42,720 Speaker 1: times and someone would present a problem and I would 449 00:21:42,720 --> 00:21:44,320 Speaker 1: know how to solve it and so I would want 450 00:21:44,359 --> 00:21:46,920 Speaker 1: to just like jump right in and solve it, because 451 00:21:47,240 --> 00:21:50,320 Speaker 1: it gave me anxiety to wait it out, right, like 452 00:21:50,359 --> 00:21:53,800 Speaker 1: waiting five or ten minutes. I was like, I don't know, 453 00:21:54,000 --> 00:21:56,080 Speaker 1: and you know, I'm this ball of anxiety over there, 454 00:21:56,160 --> 00:21:59,240 Speaker 1: and it was just like, well, that's about me, not then, right, 455 00:21:59,359 --> 00:22:01,600 Speaker 1: and so um, I don't know. You know, when we 456 00:22:01,640 --> 00:22:04,399 Speaker 1: think about relationships, not everybody is going to be your person, 457 00:22:04,840 --> 00:22:06,480 Speaker 1: and so you've got to give it space and see 458 00:22:06,520 --> 00:22:09,200 Speaker 1: if they are. But that's that's stressful in some ways 459 00:22:09,240 --> 00:22:11,840 Speaker 1: for us. Oh my god, so stressful. I just got 460 00:22:11,880 --> 00:22:13,560 Speaker 1: stressed even when you said that, because I'm like, that's 461 00:22:13,600 --> 00:22:16,520 Speaker 1: exactly it. I never thought about that though. But you 462 00:22:16,560 --> 00:22:19,080 Speaker 1: do have to like give things the space and detached 463 00:22:19,119 --> 00:22:24,359 Speaker 1: from the outcome, which for rather just it s to 464 00:22:24,400 --> 00:22:28,359 Speaker 1: do it. Just let me do it. I mean, even 465 00:22:28,359 --> 00:22:32,320 Speaker 1: though again it's not really safe ultimately, but in the moment, 466 00:22:32,520 --> 00:22:34,520 Speaker 1: it's like, what can I do to make this anxiety 467 00:22:34,680 --> 00:22:39,000 Speaker 1: go away immediately? Right? Yeah? Amazing, Well, Jason, thank you 468 00:22:39,040 --> 00:22:40,880 Speaker 1: so much. These are amazing tips. And like I said, 469 00:22:40,880 --> 00:22:43,560 Speaker 1: if you guys are interested in any sort of videos 470 00:22:43,600 --> 00:22:44,920 Speaker 1: that can help you kind of through your day, you 471 00:22:44,960 --> 00:22:47,560 Speaker 1: can follow Jason on Instagram. Tell the people where your 472 00:22:47,560 --> 00:22:52,240 Speaker 1: Instagram is. Yeah, it's Jason dot Van Ruler and I 473 00:22:52,320 --> 00:22:54,480 Speaker 1: do pretty much daily, a couple of times a day, 474 00:22:54,600 --> 00:22:57,399 Speaker 1: videos about kind of what we talked about, what our relationships, 475 00:22:57,440 --> 00:22:59,520 Speaker 1: what are kind of areas of relationships we can look at, 476 00:22:59,560 --> 00:23:01,800 Speaker 1: and how do we get to a healthier place. And 477 00:23:01,840 --> 00:23:04,720 Speaker 1: you also have a podcast your podcast host as well. 478 00:23:04,800 --> 00:23:06,920 Speaker 1: It's called Okay, What's Next? To tell the listeners a 479 00:23:06,960 --> 00:23:09,480 Speaker 1: little bit about what they can find on your podcast. Yeah, 480 00:23:09,480 --> 00:23:11,639 Speaker 1: so okay with sex. I just love to talk to 481 00:23:11,680 --> 00:23:13,960 Speaker 1: people about kind of what their next step is, whether 482 00:23:14,000 --> 00:23:16,960 Speaker 1: that's relationally, personally. But um, you know, if you know 483 00:23:17,080 --> 00:23:18,960 Speaker 1: me very well, you'll know that I say okay with 484 00:23:19,040 --> 00:23:22,120 Speaker 1: sex a lot to probably an annoying degree, because I'm 485 00:23:22,119 --> 00:23:23,760 Speaker 1: always kind of saying like, oh, here we are, like 486 00:23:23,760 --> 00:23:25,919 Speaker 1: where are we going? And so it's just really a 487 00:23:25,920 --> 00:23:28,920 Speaker 1: podcast exploring that with different people who are doing different things. 488 00:23:29,359 --> 00:23:32,000 Speaker 1: I love that anyway they can find that anywhere they 489 00:23:32,000 --> 00:23:36,000 Speaker 1: listen to podcast. Yeah, it's on Apple and Spotify. Awesome. Okay, 490 00:23:36,040 --> 00:23:38,840 Speaker 1: What's Next is the podcast? You can follow Jason on Instagram. 491 00:23:38,880 --> 00:23:41,679 Speaker 1: I'll put all of this in the description of this podcast. 492 00:23:41,920 --> 00:23:43,760 Speaker 1: Thank you so much for being here. I love talking 493 00:23:43,760 --> 00:23:47,960 Speaker 1: about healthy relationships. Um, I'm hoping to find some. Well, 494 00:23:47,960 --> 00:23:50,479 Speaker 1: this was super good. You had wonderful questions. I love 495 00:23:50,560 --> 00:23:52,560 Speaker 1: the question, so thanks so much for having me. Kelly 496 00:23:52,560 --> 00:23:56,159 Speaker 1: appreciate it awesome. Thank you guys for listening. Thanks for 497 00:23:56,200 --> 00:23:59,200 Speaker 1: listening to The Velvet's Edge podcast with Kelly Henderson, where 498 00:23:59,200 --> 00:24:02,080 Speaker 1: we believe everyone has a little velvet and a little edge. 499 00:24:02,359 --> 00:24:06,680 Speaker 1: Subscribe for more conversations on life, style, beauty and relationships. 500 00:24:06,920 --> 00:24:12,960 Speaker 1: Search Velvet's Edge wherever you get your podcasts. Yeah h