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Speaker 1: Welcome to the Therapy for Black Girls podcasts, where we

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Speaker 1: focus on all things mental health, personal development, and all

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Speaker 1: the small decisions we can make to become the best

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Speaker 1: possible versions of ourselves. I'm your host, Dr Joy Harden Bradford,

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Speaker 1: a licensed psychologist in Atlanta, Georgia. To find more information

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Speaker 1: and to get resources, visit the website at Therapy for

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Speaker 1: Black Girls dot com. And while I hope you love

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Speaker 1: listening to and learning from the podcast, it is not

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Speaker 1: meant to be a substitute for a relationship with a

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Speaker 1: licensed mental health professional. Hey, y'all, welcome to episodes two

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Speaker 1: of the Therapy for Black Girls podcast. I hope that

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Speaker 1: you're doing well and enjoying the beginning of spring. I'm

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Speaker 1: definitely enjoying the nicer weather here in Atlanta, even though

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Speaker 1: the pollen is off the chart, so I'm staying popping

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Speaker 1: my allergy myths. So today, in the no co pay

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Speaker 1: needed segment, we're gonna be talking all about how to

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Speaker 1: find a therapist and some questions that you may want

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Speaker 1: to consider um in beginning this process. So we have

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Speaker 1: five questions that I think would be helpful for you

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Speaker 1: to examine. And don't worry if you're driving. All of

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Speaker 1: this information will be included in the show notes. You

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Speaker 1: can find those by going through Therapy for Black Girls

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Speaker 1: dot Com slash session two. So the first question is

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Speaker 1: how important is it that your therapists match you in

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Speaker 1: characteristics like race, ethnicity, gender presentation, or sexual orientation. So

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Speaker 1: the research has been consistent in finding that the most

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Speaker 1: important factor in whether or not therapy will be helpful

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Speaker 1: is the quality of the relationship between client and therapists.

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Speaker 1: There definitely is a need to feel known and seen

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Speaker 1: and heard by your therapist that helps you to be

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Speaker 1: more vulnerable in the space with your therapist. So if

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Speaker 1: there are particular characteristics about a therapist that you believe

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Speaker 1: will help you to feel more comfortable and ready to work,

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Speaker 1: then by all means, try to find a therapist with

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Speaker 1: those characteristics. But I don't want you to make the

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Speaker 1: mistake of thinking that you can't have a quality therapeutic

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Speaker 1: relationship with somebody who doesn't come in the package you

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Speaker 1: thought that you wanted. Many times, we're really able to

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Speaker 1: do some of our best work with people who are

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Speaker 1: not like us in any kind of way. Um, And

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Speaker 1: so I really want you to be open because my

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Speaker 1: experience has been that most times black women want another

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Speaker 1: black woman therapist. And while I think that's great, I

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Speaker 1: simply don't think that there are enough of us to

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Speaker 1: go around. And so what I don't want to happen

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Speaker 1: is for you not to get quality therapy simply because

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Speaker 1: it doesn't come in the package that you want. So,

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Speaker 1: if you're looking for a black woman therapist, by all means,

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Speaker 1: search for one. Try to find one in your city,

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Speaker 1: even if you have to travel a little bit to

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Speaker 1: get to her. UM. But if you can't find that

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Speaker 1: and do UM, keep yourself open to some other options.

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Speaker 1: Number two. The second question is what type of personality

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Speaker 1: works best with you. Are you somebody who needs to

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Speaker 1: be gently nudged into making a change or would you

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Speaker 1: prefer a straight up no chase or approach. Are you

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Speaker 1: someone who needs lots of structure and activities to help

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Speaker 1: you work through issues or do you for for processing

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Speaker 1: an issue from multiple perspectives. Each of these things are

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Speaker 1: important to consider as you decide on the therapist because

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Speaker 1: we all have different styles, and so you have to

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Speaker 1: kind of consider what style is going to be the

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Speaker 1: best fit for you. You may be able to get

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Speaker 1: a sense of some of this from their websites, and

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Speaker 1: most therapists have websites now, um, so you can get

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Speaker 1: a sense of some of this by the copy that's

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Speaker 1: provided on their website. But you also want to ask

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Speaker 1: some questions around this when you have that first consultation

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Speaker 1: with the therapist to decide whether this person is going

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Speaker 1: to be a good fit for you. The third question

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Speaker 1: that you may want to consider is are you looking

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Speaker 1: for your religion? Are spiritual beliefs to be incorporated into therapy?

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Speaker 1: So one of the major reasons why black women sometimes

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Speaker 1: state that they don't want to seek mental health treatment

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Speaker 1: is this idea that you can't go to therapy because

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Speaker 1: it is against God. Um And my response to that

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Speaker 1: typically is that there is space for both God and

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Speaker 1: therapy in your life. Um. So, if faith, religion, or

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Speaker 1: spirituality is something that's really important to you and you

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Speaker 1: feel like you want a strong faith component to your therapy,

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Speaker 1: you can definitely find a good therapist who will be

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Speaker 1: a good match for you. So many therapists describe themselves

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Speaker 1: as either faith sensitive or faith based. So faith sensitive

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Speaker 1: means that they understand the role that faith may play

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Speaker 1: in your life and they will be respectful and encouraging

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Speaker 1: you to stay connected to this part of your life.

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Speaker 1: Someone who describes themselves though as faith based UM will

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Speaker 1: likely center your therapy around religion and spirituality, and it

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Speaker 1: may even be conducted by someone who is a part

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Speaker 1: of a faith community, and their office may even be

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Speaker 1: connected to the church or the spiritual home UM. So

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Speaker 1: when you're looking for faith based therapy, though, you do

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Speaker 1: want to make sure that that person actually has been

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Speaker 1: trained in some kind of a counseling program UM, that

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Speaker 1: they also have an appropriate license in that field, and

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Speaker 1: that it's not UM you know, simply something they're calling

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Speaker 1: therapy are counseling and they don't actually have the clinical

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Speaker 1: skills to back that up. So definitely make sure you

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Speaker 1: do your due diligence when you're looking into that. The

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Speaker 1: fourth question that you may want to consider is do

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Speaker 1: you want to use your insurance benefits? So many health

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Speaker 1: insurance plans now have at least some mental health benefits,

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Speaker 1: and if you're interested in using your benefits, your first

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Speaker 1: step should be checking the website UM from the insurance

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Speaker 1: company are calling the eight hundred number that is typically

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Speaker 1: found on the back of your insurance card UM so

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Speaker 1: a few things are more frustrating than finding a therapist

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Speaker 1: who you think is going to be the perfect fit

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Speaker 1: for you and then realizing they don't take your insurance.

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Speaker 1: So typically I suggest that if you definitely want to

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Speaker 1: use your insurance benefits, you start by looking at the

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Speaker 1: website of your insurance company or calling that eight hundred

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Speaker 1: numbers to get a list um. But even though even

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Speaker 1: if you find a therapist who is not in network,

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Speaker 1: you can still see that person. You would just have

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Speaker 1: to pay the out of network fee for that person.

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Speaker 1: And sometimes your insurance will have out of network benefits,

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Speaker 1: which means that you can see this person and pay

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Speaker 1: the person their fee, and then the person will give

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Speaker 1: you a receipt or what's called a super bill um

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Speaker 1: that you can then submit to your insurance to get reimbursed,

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Speaker 1: so you don't have to you know, if you really

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Speaker 1: have your heart set on seeing someone and you can

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Speaker 1: make it work financially, then you can just pay out

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Speaker 1: of the pocket and expect to get reimbursed, or you

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Speaker 1: can just pay out of pocket um and you know,

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Speaker 1: call it a good investment in your mental health. But

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Speaker 1: even for the out of network benefits, you do want

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Speaker 1: to check with your insurance to make sure you have

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Speaker 1: those before you simply assume that you will be able

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Speaker 1: to get reimbursed. The fifth question that we want to

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Speaker 1: ask is are you clear about your therapeutic goals and

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Speaker 1: what you want to achieve in therapy. So, undoubtedly many

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Speaker 1: of us will start therapy without having a clear goal

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Speaker 1: of what we want to get and it can be

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Speaker 1: a little fuzzy. That's okay, UM, But the clearer you

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Speaker 1: can be about what your goals are, the more successful

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Speaker 1: your outcome. Maybe, UM. So when you're better equipped to

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Speaker 1: kind of verbalize what your goals are for therapy, what

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Speaker 1: kinds of things you want to work on, then when

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Speaker 1: you have this initial consultation with a prospective therapist, you

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Speaker 1: can ask them specifically, UM, have you worked with these

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Speaker 1: kinds of concerns before? Do you feel like you have

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Speaker 1: a specific expertise in this area. So the clearer you

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Speaker 1: can be about what your goals are, it definitely is better.

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Speaker 1: So some resources that you may want to consider, um Again,

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Speaker 1: if finances are a concern, one of the most popular

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Speaker 1: ones is the Open Path Collective. So this is a

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Speaker 1: directory of therapists across the country, UM who have agreed

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Speaker 1: to provide some sliding scale spaces in their case load

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Speaker 1: for people who would like to come in for counseling UM.

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Speaker 1: That website is open path Collective dot org. Again, this

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Speaker 1: will be included in the show notes UM, but you

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Speaker 1: can go there and find a therapist in your city,

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Speaker 1: and typically you would pay between thirty to fifty dollars

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Speaker 1: to see that therapist, so that definitely is an option UM.

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Speaker 1: You also may want to look at any colleges or

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Speaker 1: universities in your town that may have training clinics. So

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Speaker 1: if you have one of these a college university in

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Speaker 1: your town, they may have a training clinic where students

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Speaker 1: who are pursuing either MASSES or a doctorate degree will

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Speaker 1: be under the supervision of licensed clinicians UM, and they

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Speaker 1: will be providing clinical services to people in the community

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Speaker 1: UM for a much reduced rate, So that's another option

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Speaker 1: to look into. UM. You also want to do a

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Speaker 1: Google search for any community clinics that are sponsored by

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Speaker 1: your county UM. Typically there will be some kind of

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Speaker 1: behavioral health component to the services offered by counties in

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Speaker 1: your towns UM, so you can do a Google search

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Speaker 1: for those as well. Another option UM that sometimes we

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Speaker 1: don't think about this group therapy. Um so, lots of

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Speaker 1: clinicians will offer group counseling in addition to the individual

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Speaker 1: counseling services they offer, and this can definitely be an

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Speaker 1: affordable option. Um So, while you won't get the one

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Speaker 1: on one attention that you would get in an individual session,

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Speaker 1: a group therapy setting can definitely be helpful, particularly for

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Speaker 1: people who are struggling with like relationship kinds of things,

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Speaker 1: because there's no better way to kind of figure out

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Speaker 1: some relationship stuff than in a group of other people

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Speaker 1: who you will have a relationship with. Um So, group

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Speaker 1: therapy definitely can be the prefer setting for some people

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Speaker 1: depending on your concern so definitely look um into groups

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Speaker 1: that may be offered in your town or your city

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Speaker 1: as another option if you're also trying to manage costs

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Speaker 1: and thinking about what will fit for you. So today

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Speaker 1: we do have on the porch with Dr Joyce segments.

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Speaker 1: So we got our very first question, um so, somebody

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Speaker 1: wanted some feedback about relationship concerns, so we will get

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Speaker 1: into that next and if you have a question, make

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Speaker 1: sure you send that over to me at podcast at

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Speaker 1: Therapy for Black Girls dot com. So The question is,

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Speaker 1: how do you walk away from a guy that you

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Speaker 1: care about but you know he's only using you. He

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Speaker 1: only sees me when it's convenient. He used to spend

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Speaker 1: the night, Now he only comes before work or after.

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Speaker 1: I want to cut it off, but when I see him,

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Speaker 1: I get weak. After I'm feeling empty emotionally because I

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Speaker 1: know he's only using me. I guess the question is

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Speaker 1: when did I lose myself worth and how do I

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Speaker 1: gain it back? So this is a great question, And

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Speaker 1: thank you listener for UM sending this and trying to

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Speaker 1: get some feedback about this. I'm sure that UM it

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Speaker 1: could be helpful to you and as as well as

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Speaker 1: any anybody else who's struggling with similar concerns. So one

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Speaker 1: of the first things I want you, UM and for

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Speaker 1: all of us to kind of pay attention to, is

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Speaker 1: the language that we use when we're talking about specific concerns.

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Speaker 1: So you mentioned in the letter, UM, you use some

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Speaker 1: very strong language. You feel like he's using you, you

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Speaker 1: feel emotionally empty, UM and and that I consider to

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Speaker 1: be pretty strong language. And so my thought is, I

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Speaker 1: wonder what it feels like to you to be used

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Speaker 1: UM And I would imagine that's typically not a really

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Speaker 1: good feeling, and typically feeling used leads to UM feeling

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Speaker 1: resentful in some ways, or it can also kind of

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Speaker 1: impact our self esteem. And so I wonder for you

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Speaker 1: what comes up around this idea of being used and

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Speaker 1: if that is a particularly good feeling. My guests is

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Speaker 1: that it's not. Uh. One of the first things that

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Speaker 1: you may want to do is to make a list

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Speaker 1: of your needs and wants in a relationship and then

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Speaker 1: make a list of how this relationship either is or

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Speaker 1: is not matching up with that list. So, if you

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Speaker 1: make a list of all the things you feel like

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Speaker 1: you needn't want, and then you make another list of

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Speaker 1: the things that are actually happening in this relationship, do

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Speaker 1: their balance out or is this current relationship coming up short?

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Speaker 1: And if it is, and I think you have to

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Speaker 1: ask yourself some questions about why am I not really

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Speaker 1: going for what I feel like I needn't want? In relationships.

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Speaker 1: I also think it's important to really understand how we

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Speaker 1: can kind of sit with feelings of sadness and disappointment

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Speaker 1: that this didn't work out. UM, And it's okay to

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Speaker 1: feel sad and hurt about the fact that this may

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Speaker 1: not turn out to be what you thought it initially was.

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Speaker 1: But what you don't want to do is get stuck

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Speaker 1: and feeling like you have to stay in something simply

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Speaker 1: because you've already invested some time and energy into this

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Speaker 1: relation ship. So just because you've already done it doesn't

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Speaker 1: mean that you have to continue with it if you

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Speaker 1: feel like it's not really what you want to be

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Speaker 1: doing anymore, or it's not really meeting your your needs

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Speaker 1: and wants in the relationship. Um. You also ask when

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Speaker 1: did you lose your self worth? And I'm not sure

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Speaker 1: if you've lost it or if it's just a little

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Speaker 1: misplaced right now, um, And I would encourage you to

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Speaker 1: think about where was it even before this relationship started?

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Speaker 1: So do you feel like it was pretty firm even

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Speaker 1: before it started, and this is what kind of caused

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Speaker 1: a hit to yourself worth? Or where there are some

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Speaker 1: things going on even before that caused some cracks and

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Speaker 1: kind of the foundation. And so one of the one

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Speaker 1: of the ways where we can kind of gain our

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Speaker 1: self worth is to really act in line with our

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Speaker 1: best interests and what our heart really wants, even when

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Speaker 1: it's hard and difficult. So you say that you get

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Speaker 1: weak even when you try to walk away with him,

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Speaker 1: walk away from this this situation with him, and I

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Speaker 1: definitely is hard. It's not hard. It's not easy to

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Speaker 1: ignore what the heart wants and you know somebody you

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Speaker 1: have really great chemistry with. It sounds like it's not

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Speaker 1: an easy choice. But when we really are wanting to

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Speaker 1: kind of be firm and our set in our self

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Speaker 1: worth and have a firm understanding of who we are,

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Speaker 1: then sometimes we have to make choices and and set

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Speaker 1: really firm boundaries, even when that's difficult and when it's

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Speaker 1: not the thing that we want to do. That that

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Speaker 1: typically is in line with good mental health is kind

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Speaker 1: of setting a firm boundary around something that you know

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Speaker 1: does not mean you will and if you feel like,

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Speaker 1: you know, if you decide that ending this relationship with

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Speaker 1: him and you really wanted to kind of take that step,

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Speaker 1: blocking him is always an option. So you can definitely

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Speaker 1: set up your um, your phone, and your email to

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Speaker 1: block any incoming or outgoing communication with him. But I

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Speaker 1: also think it may be important after you've done the

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Speaker 1: exercise around you know, examining your k needs and wants

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Speaker 1: in a relationship and just sing whether this matches up

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Speaker 1: with that. I think it's also appropriate to have a

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Speaker 1: conversation with him to say this is what I feel

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Speaker 1: like I needn't want in the relationship and to ask

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Speaker 1: him if he can offer that, and if he can't,

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Speaker 1: then you have to set a firm boundary and say, Okay, well,

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Speaker 1: I think that this is the end for us. And

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Speaker 1: that's where the blocking may come in, because sometimes it's

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Speaker 1: really hard to stay, you know, stay true to that

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Speaker 1: boundary even though we know that's what we should do,

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Speaker 1: and blocking can sometimes blocking him from your cell phone

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Speaker 1: and your email can sometimes make that easier to do.

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Speaker 1: So I hope that helps. I hope that you got

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Speaker 1: some good feedback from that and can make some decisions

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Speaker 1: that you feel like are really best for you. And again,

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Speaker 1: if you have questions, please make sure you send those

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Speaker 1: over to podcasts at Therapy for Black Girls dot com

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Speaker 1: so that reps up our episode for today. Again, let's

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Speaker 1: keep the conversation going over on social media. The hashtag

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Speaker 1: for the podcast is tv G in Session. You can

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Speaker 1: find us over on Twitter at Therapy for the Number

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Speaker 1: four be Girls, and you can find us on Twitter,

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Speaker 1: on Facebook, and Instagram at Therapy for black girls take

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Speaker 1: get care,