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Speaker 1: We don't realize how much we're not experiencing in life.

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Speaker 1: Like if you grew up in where I grew up,

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Speaker 1: North London, it's a very specific bubble, and then if

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Speaker 1: you grew up in England, it's a very specific bubble.

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Speaker 1: And then if you grow up in the United States

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Speaker 1: and New York, LA, it's a bubble. And the challenge

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Speaker 1: with the bubble is that you never really understand if

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Speaker 1: there's something out there that could change your experience of life.

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Speaker 1: Hey everyone, I'm so excited because we're going to be

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Speaker 1: adding a really special offering onto the back of my

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Speaker 1: solo episodes on Fridays. The Daily Jay is a daily

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Speaker 1: series on Calm and it's meant to inspire you while

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Speaker 1: outlining tools and techniques to live a more mindful, stress

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Speaker 1: free life. We dive into a range of topics and

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Speaker 1: the best part is each episode is only seven minutes long,

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Speaker 1: so you can incorporate it into your schedule no matter

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Speaker 1: how busy you are. As a dedicated part of the

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Speaker 1: on Purpose community, I wanted to do something special for

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Speaker 1: you this year, so I'll be playing a hand picked

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Speaker 1: Daily j during each of my Friday podcasts.

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Speaker 2: This week.

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Speaker 1: We're talking about your habits and how to develop better

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Speaker 1: daily routines. Of course, if you want to listen to

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Speaker 1: the Daily Jay every day, you can subscribe to Calm,

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Speaker 1: So go to Calm dot com forward slash j for

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Speaker 1: forty percent of your membership.

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Speaker 2: Today, Jay, Welcome to the podcast.

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Speaker 1: Ronan.

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Speaker 2: Thanks so much.

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Speaker 1: I was looking forward to being with you in person

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Speaker 1: after having met you in La. But this is great man,

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Speaker 1: Thank you so much for doing this. I really appreciate it.

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Speaker 2: Hey, no worries at all. I always like to give

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Speaker 2: a bit of perspective to people listening or watching. So

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Speaker 2: I'm currently in the UK and in my garden in

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Speaker 2: my brand new podcast studio. Okay, we've got a California

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Speaker 2: esque day at the moment in the UK. It's nice

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Speaker 2: and sunny with a cool bruise. So maybe you could

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Speaker 2: share where you're chatting from. What's going on? How's your

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Speaker 2: morning been so far?

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Speaker 1: Absolutely so, I'm actually in La, but yeah, I mean

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Speaker 1: exactly the same place. It's a beautiful California day, La day.

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Speaker 1: And yeah, the sky's are blue, you know, the birds

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Speaker 1: are tweeting away, So yeah, it's a beautiful day.

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Speaker 2: Oh fantastic. Well, good bit of perspective for everyone. And

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Speaker 2: you know, we met face to face when I came

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Speaker 2: on your podcast, I don't know about a year ago

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Speaker 2: something like that, and I'll be wanting to talk to

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Speaker 2: you for a long time because the content you put

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Speaker 2: out on the Internet is really transformative and has changed

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Speaker 2: the lives of so many people. And you know, I

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Speaker 2: was intrigued as to what I was going to get

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Speaker 2: when your book turned up, because I thought, well, this

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Speaker 2: guy's videos are incredible and they help us sort of

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Speaker 2: reframe our perspective on life. But I've got it here

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Speaker 2: in front of me, and I left you I think

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Speaker 2: of what's that message a couple of weeks ago, because frankly,

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Speaker 2: I was so impressed. It's such a wonderful book. It's

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Speaker 2: full of insight, It's full of practical knowledge and wisdom

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Speaker 2: that I think is going to help a wide variety

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Speaker 2: of different people. Now what I'm looking at it in

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Speaker 2: front of me, it's called think like a Monk, Train

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Speaker 2: your mind for peace and purpose every day, And I

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Speaker 2: think that subtitle really grabs my attention because it starts

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Speaker 2: with train your mind. Now, I think most people in

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Speaker 2: society are familiar with the concept that we can train

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Speaker 2: our bodies right, so we know if we want to

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Speaker 2: get stronger, we can go to the gym, we can

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Speaker 2: lift weight, we want to get faster, build endurance, we

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Speaker 2: can go running. But I'm not sure that people commonly

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Speaker 2: think that their minds can be trained. I wonder if

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Speaker 2: you would agree with that, and I wonder if you

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Speaker 2: could expand as to why you think all of us

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Speaker 2: have the ability to train our minds wrong.

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Speaker 1: And I think you're right. I think you are spot

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Speaker 1: on when you say that you don't believe that we

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Speaker 1: all know the fact that we can train our minds.

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Speaker 1: And one of the reasons for that is growing up

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Speaker 1: in England. Obviously, I was born and raised in London.

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Speaker 1: We had pe everyone went to physical education class, we

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Speaker 1: were encouraged to play sports, but there was no class

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Speaker 1: for the mind. You never went to mind class. You

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Speaker 1: never went to mind a school. And even when we

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Speaker 1: grew up, there was no class for the mind. Even

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Speaker 1: when we learned about biology, it was very much about

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Speaker 1: cells and plants. And I feel as humans, we've developed

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Speaker 1: such a fascination for the outer world, but we haven't

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Speaker 1: developed so much of a focus on our inner space.

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Speaker 1: And I think there's such a need there in what

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Speaker 1: you're encouraging us to do as well, and what the

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Speaker 1: book's trying to help people do is recognize that each

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Speaker 1: and every single one of us need to and can

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Speaker 1: train our mind. So one of my favorite examples is,

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Speaker 1: if you wanted to learn how to play basketball, you'd

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Speaker 1: probably want to learn from Michael Jordan, someone who's dedicated

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Speaker 1: their life to the craft. If you wanted to learn

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Speaker 1: how to drive a Formula one car, you go to

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Speaker 1: Lewis Hamilton, because I mean, he's undisputed the best in

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Speaker 1: how to play tennis, you'd probably go to Federer or

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Speaker 1: Nadal or Djokovic, right, there's so many great players and

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Speaker 1: names and athletes, or maybe you go to Serena Williams.

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Speaker 1: If you wanted to learn about business, you'd go to

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Speaker 1: the founder of Bumble. There are so many incredible entrepreneurs

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Speaker 1: athletes in the world who are experts in what they do.

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Speaker 1: But when you think about it and you say, well,

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Speaker 1: I want to learn about the mind, and not just

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Speaker 1: learn about the mind, but work with people who focused

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Speaker 1: on mastering the mind, the true answer is that that's monks.

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Speaker 1: Monks have dedicated their life to mastering the mind, to

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Speaker 1: the point that studies on monk's brains show the highest

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Speaker 1: form of gamma waves, which are linked to happiness, attention focus.

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Speaker 1: When they scan monk's brains, they find the ability to

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Speaker 1: flip focus from one thing to another like the flip

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Speaker 1: of a switch. Now, most of us can experience that

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Speaker 1: we don't have that ability, and so when we go

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Speaker 1: to learn from monks, we realize through my journey, through

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Speaker 1: other people's journey who have learned these principles and practices,

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Speaker 1: that this is up for anyone and everyone, whether they

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Speaker 1: live in a small village in the countryside or whether

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Speaker 1: they live in a big city. Anyone can think like

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Speaker 1: a monk.

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Speaker 2: That's an important topic I think to really delve into

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Speaker 2: because I'm sure a lot of people listening to this,

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Speaker 2: watching it right now, will be thinking, Hey, good for you, mate,

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Speaker 2: you went off to be a monk. You went to India,

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Speaker 2: and we'll explore your story there for sure. But I'm busy.

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Speaker 2: You know, I've got my kids to take care. If

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Speaker 2: I'm holding down two jobs, you know, I don't have

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Speaker 2: time to think like a monk. And so if somebody

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Speaker 2: is skeptical and it's thinking that at the moment, what

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Speaker 2: would you say to them?

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Speaker 1: First of all, I'd say, if that's how you feel,

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Speaker 1: then you are completely entitled to your opinion, and I

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Speaker 1: respect it. I I genuine have no desire to want

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Speaker 1: to convince anyone to try a new thing out or

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Speaker 1: a new method that they have very little time for

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Speaker 1: or don't fill the space for. But even if there's

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Speaker 1: a glimpse of an opening in your mind, even if

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Speaker 1: there's a tiny little bit of curiosity where you're like,

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Speaker 1: I know I don't have time, but I think there

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Speaker 1: could be something in this, well, then this is what

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Speaker 1: I say to you. I'd say that we will continue

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Speaker 1: to create the life that we currently have with the

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Speaker 1: current set of thoughts, wisdom, beliefs and ideas that we have.

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Speaker 1: And if we're happy on that part, if you could

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Speaker 1: fast forward your life in ten twenty thirty years time

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Speaker 1: and you'd be satisfied with getting the life that you

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Speaker 1: have right now, then that's great. But if, like the

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Speaker 1: majority of people that I know and that I speak

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Speaker 1: to and that I connect with online, the majority of

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Speaker 1: us would look and go, no, I really want to

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Speaker 1: change life. I want to be with my kids, but

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Speaker 1: I want to change how I am with them. I

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Speaker 1: want to be at work, but I want to be

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Speaker 1: more preyer at work. I want to improve the quality

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Speaker 1: of my life. Then I'd say that it's so important

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Speaker 1: that we learn and open up our minds to alternative thoughts.

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Speaker 1: I'll give you an example. There was this great study

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Speaker 1: that MIT did on people's minds, openness, and their ability

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Speaker 1: to be creative and innovative. And they looked at two

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Speaker 1: types of people. One person was surrounded by people who

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Speaker 1: all knew the same people, right, kind of like our

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Speaker 1: normal lives, and the other person was surrounded by lots

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Speaker 1: of people who didn't know each other. And they did

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Speaker 1: the study around who is more creative, more innovative, and

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Speaker 1: has a bigger impact in the workplace, in their professional life,

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Speaker 1: and then a little bit into their personal life as well.

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Speaker 1: And what they found was that those people who knew

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Speaker 1: people who knew each other who knew them back, lived

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Speaker 1: in what was known as echo chambers. They were rarely

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Speaker 1: exposed to ideas that improved their way of living or

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Speaker 1: their professional performance. But people who are exposed to ideas

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Speaker 1: that had no connection with other people in their life

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Speaker 1: were able to be more creative, have better ideas, have

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Speaker 1: more purpose, have more meaning in life. So often we've

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Speaker 1: become closed in our little spaces around what we hear,

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Speaker 1: what we know about, and we're not exposed to this

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Speaker 1: new sense of ideas. And that's what I would encourage

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Speaker 1: is just approach it with a tiny bit of curiosity.

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Speaker 1: That's all you need.

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Speaker 2: Yeah, so beautifully put, and I absolutely whole heartedly agree

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Speaker 2: with that support that I think. I think the tools

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Speaker 2: in your book, frankly, will help anyone. There's tools in

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Speaker 2: there that are going to help me. There's tools in

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Speaker 2: there that will help someone in a different role, a

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Speaker 2: different state of life. Because I think there's a lot

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Speaker 2: of universal themes there and I really want to explore

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Speaker 2: and talk about some practical things throughout this conversation, Jay,

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Speaker 2: But you know, I'm interested that many people have a

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Speaker 2: crisis in their life from time to time. It might

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Speaker 2: be a I don't know, midlife crisis, it's a quarter

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Speaker 2: life crisis. And you know, they may go away for

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Speaker 2: a weekend, they may go and buy a new car.

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Speaker 2: But you had a form of crisis and you went

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Speaker 2: off to be a monk in India, right, So I'd

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Speaker 2: love to understand what happened there, you know what led

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Speaker 2: you to that, because I think a lot of people

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Speaker 2: I wouldn't say it. It's extreme, but it's going all

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Speaker 2: in right, and it's fantastic because I don't think until

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Speaker 2: I met you, I don't think I've ever met a

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Speaker 2: monk before. So you know, maybe you could expand on

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Speaker 2: what happened there.

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Speaker 1: Yeah, absolutely, And I was going to say something wrong

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Speaker 1: with it from your earlier question of you know, the

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Speaker 1: real premise, or the real foundation of this book is

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Speaker 1: that you don't need to live like a monk to

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Speaker 1: think like a monk. What I've done is I've taken

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Speaker 1: the lessons and the principles and all the teachings that

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Speaker 1: I had and made them really relevant and practical for

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Speaker 1: modern life. So you don't have to go and do

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Speaker 1: the journey that I did in order to learn some

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Speaker 1: of these. Now, my journey was definitely from a place

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Speaker 1: of curiosity, and it started off not with a sense

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Speaker 1: of pain or stress or pressure in my personal life

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Speaker 1: because I was fairly young at the time, and of

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Speaker 1: course I'd been exposed to the different things you do

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Speaker 1: growing up in a family and normal challenges growing up.

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Speaker 1: But really, what it was for me is I was

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Speaker 1: surrounded by a lot of friends that were older than me,

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Speaker 1: and my friends were sometimes two years older, some of

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Speaker 1: them were five years older. Some of them were getting married,

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Speaker 1: some of them had great jobs, some of them were

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Speaker 1: making good money. And it's really interesting that they were

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Speaker 1: really honest with me, and they would open up and

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Speaker 1: say to me, Jay, you know what, I've got this

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Speaker 1: perfect partner, I've got this perfect job, I've got this

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Speaker 1: perfect situation, but I'm still not happy. And I'd be

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Speaker 1: sitting there as a young teenager, going how can you

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Speaker 1: not be happy? I mean, you know, you've got a

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Speaker 1: beautiful partner, you're making good money, you drive a nice car,

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Speaker 1: you have a nice home. How is it that you're

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Speaker 1: not satisfied? And it was so interesting to me to

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Speaker 1: be exposed to a group of people that I thought

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Speaker 1: had it all but felt like they didn't have anything.

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Speaker 1: And then when I was invited to hear a monk's speak,

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Speaker 1: and I was fascinated at the time by hearing CEOs, entrepreneurs, athletes.

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Speaker 1: My two first books that I ever read were David

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Speaker 1: Beckham's autobiography and Dwayne the Rock johnson autobiography. When he

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Speaker 1: was still in the WWF and the WWE, and I

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Speaker 1: was fascinated by rags to riches stories and people who

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Speaker 1: went from nothing to something. And then I was invited

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Speaker 1: to hear a monk speak, and I genuinely had this

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Speaker 1: complete dismissive demeanor about what monks could teach me. And

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Speaker 1: my approach was, well, what am I going to learn

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Speaker 1: from a monk? How to sit still? What is a

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Speaker 1: monk even achieved? And so when I went to hear

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Speaker 1: this monk speak, I went there with no expectations. But

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Speaker 1: the amazing thing is that I found that someone who

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Speaker 1: had nothing actually had everything. He had contentment, he had satisfaction,

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Speaker 1: he exuded it, and when he spoke, he spoke with

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Speaker 1: such compassion and empathy. And I thought, I've never heard

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Speaker 1: any of my friends speak like this. I've never experienced

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Speaker 1: someone have this. And now, when I reflect back, I

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Speaker 1: realized very clearly that when I was eighteen, I'd met

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Speaker 1: people who are rich. I'd met people who are beautiful

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Speaker 1: and stunning and attractive. I'd met people who were famous

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Speaker 1: and successful. I'd met people who are really smart and intellectual,

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Speaker 1: But I don't think i'd ever met anyone who is

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Speaker 1: truly happy and even if you reflect in your own life,

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Speaker 1: anyone who's listening or watching right now, just think about

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Speaker 1: it for a moment. Who in your life would you

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Speaker 1: genuinely say you believe is content and happy and joyful.

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Speaker 1: I'm guessing you probably count them on your hand. And

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Speaker 1: for me, that Monk was the first person that I

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Speaker 1: met that really exuded that, and I wanted to learn more.

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Speaker 1: So for me, it wasn't about being in a major

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Speaker 1: life crisis. It wasn't about things not working out. It

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Speaker 1: was from the perspective of learning through the challenges of

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Speaker 1: my friends, who were thankfully so honest with me, that

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Speaker 1: helped me question what I thought life was all about.

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Speaker 2: Yeah, thank you for sharing that, Jade, because you know,

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Speaker 2: as you as you sort of describe that, I think

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Speaker 2: many of us, I know I have throughout my life

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Speaker 2: looked at various paramises of success. You know, when when

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Speaker 2: you're a kid growing up, you know what, You're surrounded

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Speaker 2: by influencers, so much of what you think is possible

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Speaker 2: in the world. And I've you know, I've said this

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Speaker 2: before and as a as a sort of fellow Indian,

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Speaker 2: sort of the child of an Indian immigrant family in

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Speaker 2: the UK. You know, you know the certain pressures and

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Speaker 2: the certain expectations that often come with that. And you know,

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Speaker 2: if I'm honest, I've often reflected back on this, and

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Speaker 2: I say it to people, you know, because being a

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Speaker 2: doctor is deemed and you know, by society as a

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Speaker 2: successful career choice. But I say to people, you know, what,

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Speaker 2: are you so lucky? You say this? And I am lucky,

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Speaker 2: But really I was influenced by my childhood. I was

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Speaker 2: influenced by my upbringing because all my parents' friends were doctors.

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Speaker 2: So all the adults I knew pretty much growing up

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Speaker 2: apart from my school teachers, were doctors. So therefore it

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Speaker 2: was an you know, for me, it was a natural

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Speaker 2: progression to then become a doctor. But I will tell

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Speaker 2: you this, as I become more in tune with what

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Speaker 2: makes people happy, with what makes me happy. Honestly, if

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Speaker 2: I look around in the medical profession, I see a

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Speaker 2: lot of unhappy people. I see a lot of people

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Speaker 2: doing what they thought they should do, what society has

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Speaker 2: told them is going to make them happy, what their

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Speaker 2: parents had told them is going to make them happy,

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Speaker 2: and they're doing it. And they may be making reasonable money.

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Speaker 2: And as you say, have the house and have the car,

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Speaker 2: but often underneath that that's a feeling of discontentments. And

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Speaker 2: you know, I've been realizing this in my probably thirties,

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Speaker 2: late thirties. But you, I guess, would you in some

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Speaker 2: ways to experience it. I think you're in your teens, right.

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Speaker 2: I was eighteen years old when I first had that interaction.

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Speaker 2: I just explained, yeah, because I mean, I wonder if

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Speaker 2: you sort of think back, and that is clearly a

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Speaker 2: significant fork in the road for you, because had do

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Speaker 2: you ever think back what would have happened had I

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Speaker 2: not gone to that talk.

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Speaker 1: I have thought about that a lot, and I think

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Speaker 1: we should. I think we should reflect on life like that.

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Speaker 1: It really makes you grateful. And I always look back

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Speaker 1: at that day is a very humbling day, because you know,

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Speaker 1: I went there with my egotistic, arrogant, eighteen year old

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Speaker 1: nature of what am I going to learn from this guy?

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Speaker 1: And then obviously that becomes the best decision of my life,

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Speaker 1: And so life's humbling in that way, right, Like I

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Speaker 1: don't look back that geta and go oh, I made

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Speaker 1: the best decision and I'm such an amazing person. I

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Speaker 1: look back and go wow, I was so so arrogant

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Speaker 1: and did not realize how much I could learn from

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Speaker 1: this individual. And it's almost like this ironic moment. But

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Speaker 1: I think about it all the time. I think, if

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Speaker 1: I didn't go that day, or I didn't meet monks,

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Speaker 1: or I didn't meet people who were trying to live

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Speaker 1: on a higher frequency or a high vibration, I believe

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Speaker 1: that I would have ended up chasing all the normal

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Speaker 1: things that I was chasing in terms of stability security.

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Speaker 1: I probably would have had a comfortable job and done

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Speaker 1: just okay, and you know, life would have been fine.

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Speaker 1: But I really feel that the life I get to

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Speaker 1: live today, which is a life of service and purpose

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Speaker 1: and meaning, is what I would have missed out on.

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Speaker 1: And there are so many times in my life where

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Speaker 1: I wonder what life would have been like, and I'm

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Speaker 1: just grateful that I met the right people at the

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Speaker 1: right time. And this is really what this book is about.

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Speaker 1: That the reason why I called it Think like a Monk,

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Speaker 1: and the reason why I've gone into the depth around

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Speaker 1: the wisdom and the practices that I have is we

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Speaker 1: don't realize how much we're not experiencing in life. Like

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Speaker 1: you said, we all grew up in this bubble. Like

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Speaker 1: if you grew up in where I grew up, North London,

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Speaker 1: it's a very specific bubble. And then if you grew

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Speaker 1: up in England, it's a very specific bubble. And then

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Speaker 1: you grew up in the United States and New York

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Speaker 1: at LA it's a bubble. And we live in these bubbles.

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Speaker 1: And the challenge with the bubble is that you never

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Speaker 1: really understand if there's something out there that could change

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Speaker 1: your experience of life. And for me, it's so random

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Speaker 1: to have met a monk at eighteen. Like you said,

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Speaker 1: you've never you know, experienced or met a monk before.

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Speaker 1: And I'm not a monk anymore, so you still haven't

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Speaker 1: met a monk. We have to find wrung in someone

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Speaker 1: for you and me. But you know, it's that point

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Speaker 1: of just what is it in the world that we

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Speaker 1: haven't experienced that could expand our mind and take us

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Speaker 1: on a different journey. And I think that's the goal

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Speaker 1: is you may not need a monk in your life,

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Speaker 1: but who or what or which idea or is it

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Speaker 1: in your life that you haven't yet let in?

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Speaker 2: Yeah, And I think what you speak to there is

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Speaker 2: the importance of staying curious and keeping somewhat of an

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Speaker 2: open mind. And I think that is something that we

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Speaker 2: see across society now that I think it's becoming incredibly problematic,

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Speaker 2: where people are stuck in their little silos and you know,

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Speaker 2: they don't look beyond that. They're very quick to judge

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Speaker 2: other people who have a different view. They're very quick

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Speaker 2: to sort of shut people down unless it fits with

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Speaker 2: their narrative. And I think, really what I'm hearing from

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Speaker 2: you is staying curious, staying open minded, looking listening to

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Speaker 2: other people's ideas. It's like you said at the start, right,

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Speaker 2: You're not trying to persuade anyone's to do anything, but

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Speaker 2: if you're a bit curious, maybe there's an idea that

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Speaker 2: someone's going to hear throughout this conversation that just sparks

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Speaker 2: something for them, very much like I guess you had

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Speaker 2: when you were eighteen. Uh Jay. I think one of

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Speaker 2: the first times I came across you was a few

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Speaker 2: years back. I heard you on an interview, so I

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Speaker 2: can't remember what the interview was, but I remember being

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Speaker 2: really impacted by what you said and think of who

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Speaker 2: is this guy? I mean, this is pretty incredible what

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Speaker 2: I heard and it was It wasn't one of your

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Speaker 2: videos that you were talking a lot about. I think identity,

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Speaker 2: and I think it was something about it really got

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Speaker 2: me thinking about what is my identity? I guess I

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Speaker 2: was on a journey then anyway, since I lost my

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Speaker 2: father about what's seven years ago now, I think that

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Speaker 2: was the one of the significant moments in my life

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Speaker 2: that got me to start questioning everything, thinking about, well,

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Speaker 2: who am I? You know, am I living my life

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Speaker 2: or am I living somebody else's life? I think you

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Speaker 2: expressed it so beautifully. But then when I read your book,

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Speaker 2: I think you start off very early on with identity.

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Speaker 2: So I wonder if you could expand on identity? What

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Speaker 2: is it? And why do you think many of us

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Speaker 2: need to spend a bit of time thinking about it?

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Speaker 1: Yeah, so I think I know exactly what you interview

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Speaker 1: you're talking about and what I say in it. The

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Speaker 1: monks start with identity and at the root of the

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Speaker 1: issue because a lot of what we experience in the

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Speaker 1: world today, as you know, and I know how holistic

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Speaker 1: you are in the way you advise your patients. When

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Speaker 1: you were speaking on my podcast, I was so impressed

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Speaker 1: by you and how you're able to tie in so

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Speaker 1: many psychological and natural practices and relational exercises that can

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Speaker 1: improve people's health and well being overall. I remember you

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Speaker 1: talking about encouraging your clients to see more friends as

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Speaker 1: a way of changing the way they feel, and I

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Speaker 1: was thinking, Wow, this person's got so many great ideas.

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Speaker 1: And the reason is because Rung and you also have

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Speaker 1: that monk mindset, or you go to the root of

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Speaker 1: the issue. It's really easy to just say, oh, well,

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Speaker 1: just take two of these a day, or try this,

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Speaker 1: or you know, maybe you need to do this. But

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Speaker 1: when you think about it from the rout perspective, where

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Speaker 1: do our challenges arise? And our challenge is arise by

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Speaker 1: how we see ourselves? And what I believe wrong is

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Speaker 1: referring to is there's this quote that I begin my

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Speaker 1: book with and that I've shared in interviews for the

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Speaker 1: last few years, and it's from a writer named Charles

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Speaker 1: Horton Cooley who wrote this in the nineteen hundreds. And

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Speaker 1: what he said is that, sorry, I think it's in

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Speaker 1: the eighteen hundreds, at the end of the eighteen hundreds

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Speaker 1: towards the nineteen hundreds, and he said, and bear with

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Speaker 1: me and you've got to really listen closely to this.

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Speaker 1: So what he said that the challenge today is I'm

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Speaker 1: not what I think I am. I'm not what you

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Speaker 1: think I am. I am what I think you think

433
00:22:38,720 --> 00:22:41,119
Speaker 1: I am. Now just let that blow your mind for

434
00:22:41,160 --> 00:22:43,560
Speaker 1: a moment. I will explain it. I promise, I'm not

435
00:22:43,600 --> 00:22:45,680
Speaker 1: what I think I am. I'm not what you think

436
00:22:45,720 --> 00:22:49,440
Speaker 1: I am. I am what I think you think I am,

437
00:22:49,840 --> 00:22:53,720
Speaker 1: which means we live in a perception of a perception

438
00:22:53,800 --> 00:22:57,000
Speaker 1: of ourselves. So I'll break it down. If I think

439
00:22:57,760 --> 00:23:02,600
Speaker 1: Rongan thinks I'm smart, I'll say I feel smart. But

440
00:23:02,680 --> 00:23:06,440
Speaker 1: if I think Rangan thinks I'm not smart, then I'll

441
00:23:06,480 --> 00:23:09,480
Speaker 1: say I'm not smart. And so the challenge is that

442
00:23:09,720 --> 00:23:13,800
Speaker 1: we're basing how we feel about ourselves on what we

443
00:23:13,920 --> 00:23:18,080
Speaker 1: think someone thinks of us. And the greatest challenge with

444
00:23:18,160 --> 00:23:22,000
Speaker 1: that is how do you have any idea if what

445
00:23:22,119 --> 00:23:24,040
Speaker 1: you think someone thinks about you is even true and

446
00:23:24,080 --> 00:23:26,680
Speaker 1: whether that's even the best place to start. So that's

447
00:23:26,720 --> 00:23:30,119
Speaker 1: where our identity struggles. We start pursuing things in life

448
00:23:30,440 --> 00:23:33,679
Speaker 1: because we think other people value them. It's almost like,

449
00:23:33,840 --> 00:23:37,240
Speaker 1: let's think of the most playground version of this. If

450
00:23:37,520 --> 00:23:42,320
Speaker 1: I remember wearing high tech shoes from BHS to the playground, right,

451
00:23:42,359 --> 00:23:44,520
Speaker 1: I remember my mom Because my parents didn't buy me

452
00:23:44,640 --> 00:23:48,840
Speaker 1: Nike trainers or Adidask trainers, which I always wanted. You know,

453
00:23:48,880 --> 00:23:51,240
Speaker 1: we didn't come from that background. I can afford them,

454
00:23:51,280 --> 00:23:53,440
Speaker 1: and my parents didn't want me to have them. So

455
00:23:53,440 --> 00:23:56,440
Speaker 1: I'd walk in with my high tech trainers from BHS.

456
00:23:56,480 --> 00:24:00,240
Speaker 1: They're about ten quid or whatever they were, and you know,

457
00:24:00,320 --> 00:24:03,240
Speaker 1: to me, it didn't make a difference. I didn't really

458
00:24:03,320 --> 00:24:05,560
Speaker 1: know at that time whether high tech was good or bad.

459
00:24:05,600 --> 00:24:08,159
Speaker 1: They were just trainers that my parents bought me. Now

460
00:24:08,800 --> 00:24:12,440
Speaker 1: everyone the cool kid at school had the latest night trainers.

461
00:24:13,000 --> 00:24:16,000
Speaker 1: All of a sudden, I start thinking that he's now

462
00:24:16,080 --> 00:24:19,440
Speaker 1: surrounded by everyone. Everyone's talking about his trainers. Everyone's giving

463
00:24:19,520 --> 00:24:23,880
Speaker 1: him adoration, everyone's giving him respect, everyone's talking about his trainers.

464
00:24:24,560 --> 00:24:27,120
Speaker 1: So now I think that if I want to have

465
00:24:27,160 --> 00:24:30,120
Speaker 1: that same experience and love from people, that I need

466
00:24:30,160 --> 00:24:33,600
Speaker 1: to get that not realizing that I may be able

467
00:24:33,640 --> 00:24:37,760
Speaker 1: to get deeper love from people by being kind and compassionate,

468
00:24:38,040 --> 00:24:39,600
Speaker 1: that I may actually be able to build a real

469
00:24:39,640 --> 00:24:44,199
Speaker 1: relationship with people. If I'm loving and considerate and empathetic

470
00:24:44,680 --> 00:24:47,080
Speaker 1: and It's so crazy how your life can become about

471
00:24:47,119 --> 00:24:49,760
Speaker 1: pursuing something. And that's why Jim Carrey puts it best,

472
00:24:50,000 --> 00:24:52,560
Speaker 1: and I'm paraphrasing. He says, you know, everyone in the

473
00:24:52,560 --> 00:24:56,719
Speaker 1: world should achieve everything they've ever wanted and accomplish everything

474
00:24:56,760 --> 00:25:01,360
Speaker 1: they've ever pursued, just to realize that. It's the point. Now,

475
00:25:01,400 --> 00:25:03,959
Speaker 1: that doesn't mean the Monk mindset is not about not

476
00:25:04,080 --> 00:25:08,840
Speaker 1: pursuing your goals. It's actually about pursuing your truest goals,

477
00:25:09,160 --> 00:25:13,520
Speaker 1: your truest self, and your most authentic aligned goals. So

478
00:25:13,760 --> 00:25:16,200
Speaker 1: it's not about not having goals, it's about making sure

479
00:25:16,200 --> 00:25:17,879
Speaker 1: that your goal directually yours.

480
00:25:18,840 --> 00:25:23,480
Speaker 2: Yeah, and you know, I get shivers when you say that.

481
00:25:23,560 --> 00:25:27,080
Speaker 2: Coolly quotes me too. And I think I've had I've

482
00:25:27,080 --> 00:25:30,360
Speaker 2: had a flashback. I think I can't say for sure

483
00:25:30,400 --> 00:25:32,120
Speaker 2: where I was when I heard that interview, but I

484
00:25:32,240 --> 00:25:36,080
Speaker 2: think I was on a train from Manchester to London

485
00:25:36,160 --> 00:25:39,800
Speaker 2: or London back to Manchester, and I think I pressed pause,

486
00:25:39,880 --> 00:25:42,159
Speaker 2: and I think I wrote it in my notes. I

487
00:25:42,200 --> 00:25:44,800
Speaker 2: think I'm pretty sure I wrote it and I rewound it.

488
00:25:44,840 --> 00:25:46,600
Speaker 2: I played it kind of thought, hold on, I've got

489
00:25:46,600 --> 00:25:50,280
Speaker 2: the first part. Second part, what's that third part, and

490
00:25:50,359 --> 00:25:52,080
Speaker 2: I really had to sit with it for a while,

491
00:25:52,160 --> 00:25:55,480
Speaker 2: and I would urge people if they need to press

492
00:25:55,560 --> 00:25:59,479
Speaker 2: pause right now, listen to it and really think about it.

493
00:25:59,520 --> 00:26:03,320
Speaker 2: And I think, you know, it's really interesting, you know,

494
00:26:03,400 --> 00:26:07,959
Speaker 2: hearing that, and I reflect on my children, who I

495
00:26:08,000 --> 00:26:10,359
Speaker 2: know you had a very brief, lovely conversation with just

496
00:26:10,359 --> 00:26:12,159
Speaker 2: before we started. I might put that in at the

497
00:26:12,240 --> 00:26:13,160
Speaker 2: end of the podcast.

498
00:26:13,400 --> 00:26:14,120
Speaker 1: It was beautiful.

499
00:26:15,600 --> 00:26:19,600
Speaker 2: But I think about this as they go through school,

500
00:26:20,160 --> 00:26:22,959
Speaker 2: and you know, they start to see what other people

501
00:26:22,960 --> 00:26:26,720
Speaker 2: have got, and you know, we, my wife and I

502
00:26:26,760 --> 00:26:29,919
Speaker 2: were very keen to try and not put value on

503
00:26:30,000 --> 00:26:33,919
Speaker 2: those things because I know I also had experiences like that.

504
00:26:33,960 --> 00:26:36,399
Speaker 2: What I'd say, Oh, god, man, they're wearing those. I

505
00:26:36,440 --> 00:26:37,919
Speaker 2: want to wear those because if I wear them, I'm

506
00:26:37,960 --> 00:26:41,240
Speaker 2: going to be happy. I saw a maybe a year

507
00:26:41,280 --> 00:26:43,479
Speaker 2: ago or so, I saw a Gary Vanerchick video online

508
00:26:43,480 --> 00:26:47,040
Speaker 2: when he was telling someone at one of his conferences.

509
00:26:47,119 --> 00:26:50,040
Speaker 2: He was you know, he was talking about a BMW

510
00:26:50,119 --> 00:26:52,119
Speaker 2: and he basically said to the guy in his and

511
00:26:52,480 --> 00:26:57,080
Speaker 2: you know, in his inimitable way, which is wonderful, that

512
00:26:57,200 --> 00:27:01,440
Speaker 2: I think you own a BMW because of what other

513
00:27:01,520 --> 00:27:05,120
Speaker 2: people will think of you. When you drive that BMW

514
00:27:06,200 --> 00:27:09,960
Speaker 2: and the guy literally you know in that clip, he

515
00:27:10,119 --> 00:27:11,920
Speaker 2: just sort of sat with it and he said, yeah,

516
00:27:11,920 --> 00:27:14,879
Speaker 2: I do. I mean it's what it's symbolized is to

517
00:27:15,280 --> 00:27:17,719
Speaker 2: people around him. And again I'm not having to go

518
00:27:17,760 --> 00:27:20,440
Speaker 2: at anyone who might be doing that. You know, we

519
00:27:20,520 --> 00:27:27,399
Speaker 2: all do things at times to get that validation or

520
00:27:27,440 --> 00:27:29,680
Speaker 2: what we think is a validation from people around them.

521
00:27:29,920 --> 00:27:32,159
Speaker 2: But I think what you're trying to get at is

522
00:27:32,600 --> 00:27:35,119
Speaker 2: how do we find our own identity? How do we

523
00:27:35,160 --> 00:27:38,919
Speaker 2: live our own lives? So, Jay, how do we do

524
00:27:38,960 --> 00:27:41,719
Speaker 2: that if we've spent a lifetime living someone else's life,

525
00:27:42,240 --> 00:27:44,240
Speaker 2: how do we in our thirties or our twenties, or

526
00:27:44,240 --> 00:27:47,600
Speaker 2: our forties or our fifties, how do we just decide, Oh,

527
00:27:47,680 --> 00:27:50,520
Speaker 2: I'm going to start finding out what my life is.

528
00:27:51,440 --> 00:27:54,800
Speaker 1: Yes, absolutely, And I love the tone you're sharing this

529
00:27:54,880 --> 00:27:57,760
Speaker 1: in wrongon because my tone is the same. Like, you know,

530
00:27:58,119 --> 00:28:00,000
Speaker 1: I'm not coming at this from a point of view

531
00:28:00,119 --> 00:28:03,080
Speaker 1: of you know, we're wasting our lives or I've got

532
00:28:03,119 --> 00:28:05,919
Speaker 1: it figured out. Like I don't want to make this

533
00:28:06,000 --> 00:28:09,680
Speaker 1: about you not getting your goals or not having pursuits

534
00:28:09,840 --> 00:28:13,359
Speaker 1: or not wanting to become something, because I want to

535
00:28:13,400 --> 00:28:16,000
Speaker 1: do all those things too, but it's about why you're

536
00:28:16,000 --> 00:28:18,640
Speaker 1: doing it, and it's also about making sure they're truly

537
00:28:18,760 --> 00:28:22,359
Speaker 1: motivated by your inner desire, right, Like, that's the point.

538
00:28:22,400 --> 00:28:24,840
Speaker 1: It's like, if you want to drive a BMW, drive

539
00:28:24,840 --> 00:28:27,359
Speaker 1: a BMW because that's the car you love. Don't drive

540
00:28:27,400 --> 00:28:29,960
Speaker 1: it because you think. If you want to be a doctor,

541
00:28:30,520 --> 00:28:32,320
Speaker 1: become a doctor because you think that's how you're going

542
00:28:32,400 --> 00:28:35,800
Speaker 1: to serve humanity, not because you think people will be impressed.

543
00:28:35,800 --> 00:28:38,000
Speaker 1: If you want to go to Harvard or Princeton or

544
00:28:38,040 --> 00:28:41,080
Speaker 1: Oxford or Cambridge, go there because you really want to

545
00:28:41,160 --> 00:28:44,320
Speaker 1: study how to solve the world's problems, not because you

546
00:28:44,360 --> 00:28:47,040
Speaker 1: think it looks good on your resume. Right, that's the

547
00:28:47,080 --> 00:28:49,720
Speaker 1: point that we're going after. So thank you Rong for

548
00:28:49,760 --> 00:28:53,560
Speaker 1: like recentering that tonal piece, and I appreciate it. But

549
00:28:53,600 --> 00:28:55,920
Speaker 1: so where do we start. One of my favorite ways

550
00:28:55,960 --> 00:29:01,120
Speaker 1: to start is looking at what we value you and

551
00:29:01,360 --> 00:29:04,280
Speaker 1: values are a very intangible word, and so there's a

552
00:29:04,360 --> 00:29:07,800
Speaker 1: very easy way to figure out what you value. There's

553
00:29:07,840 --> 00:29:10,920
Speaker 1: two things you have to look at. You look at

554
00:29:10,960 --> 00:29:13,160
Speaker 1: how you spend your money. The most painful thing you

555
00:29:13,160 --> 00:29:16,760
Speaker 1: can possibly do, go through your bank statement and look

556
00:29:16,800 --> 00:29:18,959
Speaker 1: at where your money is being spent. That is what

557
00:29:19,000 --> 00:29:22,440
Speaker 1: you value. The other thing that we spend, just like

558
00:29:22,520 --> 00:29:26,800
Speaker 1: we spend money, is how we spend our time. Those

559
00:29:26,840 --> 00:29:30,120
Speaker 1: are the two most perfect ways to see what you

560
00:29:30,200 --> 00:29:33,080
Speaker 1: currently value. Your value isn't what's in your head, isn't

561
00:29:33,080 --> 00:29:35,360
Speaker 1: what's in your heart, isn't what's in your mind. It's

562
00:29:35,400 --> 00:29:38,600
Speaker 1: how you spend your money and how you spend your time.

563
00:29:39,120 --> 00:29:41,160
Speaker 1: And so just to give you an overview, and I

564
00:29:41,200 --> 00:29:43,320
Speaker 1: share this in the book, that research was done on

565
00:29:43,440 --> 00:29:46,480
Speaker 1: how we spend our time, and the research showed that

566
00:29:46,520 --> 00:29:51,040
Speaker 1: we spend thirty three years in bed, right, thirty three

567
00:29:51,120 --> 00:29:53,440
Speaker 1: years of our life in bed, and seven years of

568
00:29:53,480 --> 00:29:57,480
Speaker 1: that is spent trying to sleep, not even sleeping. Right.

569
00:29:57,760 --> 00:30:00,800
Speaker 1: We spend one year and four months ex sizing across

570
00:30:00,840 --> 00:30:03,120
Speaker 1: our whole lives. These are by the way, we spend

571
00:30:03,120 --> 00:30:07,520
Speaker 1: more than three years on vacation, and we spend a

572
00:30:07,520 --> 00:30:09,920
Speaker 1: bunch of days trying to get ready, and we spend

573
00:30:09,920 --> 00:30:13,200
Speaker 1: a bunch of time, you know, standing in lines and cues,

574
00:30:13,560 --> 00:30:16,360
Speaker 1: and so much of our time just get spent. So

575
00:30:16,400 --> 00:30:20,360
Speaker 1: the question we have to ask ourselves is where am

576
00:30:20,400 --> 00:30:23,960
Speaker 1: I currently spending my time? And where do I want

577
00:30:24,000 --> 00:30:27,600
Speaker 1: to spend it now. Studies also show that people everyone

578
00:30:27,640 --> 00:30:29,120
Speaker 1: has to go to work, So this isn't about what

579
00:30:29,120 --> 00:30:33,040
Speaker 1: you do for work. People who had more meaningful, purposeful

580
00:30:33,160 --> 00:30:37,960
Speaker 1: lives and were healthier, wealthier, and wise invested their time

581
00:30:38,120 --> 00:30:43,360
Speaker 1: in education over entertainment and wrong. And your your audience

582
00:30:43,400 --> 00:30:45,880
Speaker 1: is lucky because they get education and entertainment in one place.

583
00:30:46,200 --> 00:30:48,440
Speaker 1: But that's the goal, right, Like, that's the goal that

584
00:30:48,880 --> 00:30:53,760
Speaker 1: you're creating an opportunity for people to find education. The smartest,

585
00:30:53,800 --> 00:30:56,160
Speaker 1: the wealthiest, the most healthiest, the wisest people in the

586
00:30:56,200 --> 00:31:01,240
Speaker 1: world reading books, watching documentaries, taking courses, is listening to podcasts,

587
00:31:01,640 --> 00:31:04,960
Speaker 1: learning to better themselves. And so that's the first place

588
00:31:05,000 --> 00:31:07,440
Speaker 1: to start. The second place when we look at that

589
00:31:07,600 --> 00:31:10,959
Speaker 1: value audit is I want you to write down three

590
00:31:11,000 --> 00:31:13,960
Speaker 1: things that you're currently pursuing in life. It might be

591
00:31:14,000 --> 00:31:17,760
Speaker 1: a promotion, it might be a new home, whatever it is,

592
00:31:17,800 --> 00:31:21,200
Speaker 1: whatever it is that you are currently pursuing. And then

593
00:31:21,240 --> 00:31:24,240
Speaker 1: I want you to ask this question, is that your

594
00:31:24,320 --> 00:31:27,959
Speaker 1: desire and your dream or is it coming from something

595
00:31:28,040 --> 00:31:30,280
Speaker 1: outside of you? Is it coming from a pressure of

596
00:31:30,320 --> 00:31:33,440
Speaker 1: a family member, Is it coming from an expectation because

597
00:31:33,440 --> 00:31:37,160
Speaker 1: your friend just bought something where is that desire truly

598
00:31:37,200 --> 00:31:40,480
Speaker 1: coming from? And the third and final question you want

599
00:31:40,480 --> 00:31:43,520
Speaker 1: to ask yourself is do I still want to pursue that,

600
00:31:44,200 --> 00:31:46,880
Speaker 1: or do I want to change how I pursue it?

601
00:31:47,640 --> 00:31:49,280
Speaker 1: Or do I not want to pursue it at all?

602
00:31:49,520 --> 00:31:52,360
Speaker 1: And if you go through that three step questioning process,

603
00:31:52,720 --> 00:31:55,400
Speaker 1: you'll get to the truth of what you truly want

604
00:31:55,480 --> 00:31:59,440
Speaker 1: to pursue and stop yourselves from building a sand castle

605
00:31:59,720 --> 00:32:03,000
Speaker 1: with the waves of time will eventually wash away. And

606
00:32:03,040 --> 00:32:04,760
Speaker 1: so that's what we get lost doing. We get lost

607
00:32:04,760 --> 00:32:07,040
Speaker 1: building castles that we don't even want to live in.

608
00:32:08,360 --> 00:32:14,440
Speaker 2: Yeah, it's so profound, and you know, I really think

609
00:32:14,520 --> 00:32:19,160
Speaker 2: that there's something unique about the times in which we

610
00:32:19,240 --> 00:32:23,600
Speaker 2: live now. There really is this dissatisfaction, this lack of contentment.

611
00:32:24,200 --> 00:32:25,800
Speaker 2: You know, you put it so beautifully at the start

612
00:32:25,880 --> 00:32:28,000
Speaker 2: of this conversation. I don't know if you've seen the

613
00:32:28,000 --> 00:32:33,120
Speaker 2: documentary Minimalism or not, which I think you'd absolutely love it.

614
00:32:33,160 --> 00:32:35,840
Speaker 2: I really really enjoy it. I've seen it a couple

615
00:32:35,840 --> 00:32:37,840
Speaker 2: of times. I've watched it with my kids again recently.

616
00:32:37,920 --> 00:32:41,160
Speaker 2: But again, it's these two guys in their thirties who

617
00:32:41,720 --> 00:32:45,200
Speaker 2: you know, they've got success by society's definition. They've got

618
00:32:45,200 --> 00:32:48,680
Speaker 2: the job, they're any good money, you know, but there's

619
00:32:48,720 --> 00:32:52,920
Speaker 2: a hole inside, there's a feeling of is this all

620
00:32:52,960 --> 00:32:56,080
Speaker 2: there is to life? And so I really think you're

621
00:32:56,120 --> 00:32:59,160
Speaker 2: tapping on something that is that is really out there

622
00:32:59,160 --> 00:33:02,400
Speaker 2: at the moment. If people can get their heads around this,

623
00:33:02,520 --> 00:33:05,240
Speaker 2: I think it can transform their own lives, but also

624
00:33:05,320 --> 00:33:07,640
Speaker 2: transform the lives of the people around them, which I

625
00:33:07,640 --> 00:33:09,920
Speaker 2: think is really really exciting. Now you call it a

626
00:33:10,000 --> 00:33:13,520
Speaker 2: value audit, and I thought that word was really interesting

627
00:33:13,600 --> 00:33:18,520
Speaker 2: because I have been sort of I had sort of

628
00:33:18,640 --> 00:33:21,920
Speaker 2: nearly three weeks off social media until two days ago.

629
00:33:22,080 --> 00:33:24,840
Speaker 2: Like I didn't post, I went off. I made a

630
00:33:24,880 --> 00:33:29,080
Speaker 2: thing of it, and I found that I found it

631
00:33:29,120 --> 00:33:31,200
Speaker 2: a lot easier to go inward in my life. It

632
00:33:31,280 --> 00:33:32,800
Speaker 2: was just one thing to switch off a bit of

633
00:33:32,840 --> 00:33:35,840
Speaker 2: noise for me. That I'm not saying everyone has to

634
00:33:35,880 --> 00:33:38,560
Speaker 2: do this. It's just something I personally find useful and

635
00:33:38,560 --> 00:33:41,600
Speaker 2: I also like to. I think it's a nice example

636
00:33:41,600 --> 00:33:44,000
Speaker 2: to set to people that you can do it if

637
00:33:44,040 --> 00:33:46,880
Speaker 2: you want to. But what was really interesting is I've

638
00:33:46,880 --> 00:33:49,960
Speaker 2: been doing a values exercise with myself. I've been trying

639
00:33:50,000 --> 00:33:54,920
Speaker 2: to write down five core values that I want to

640
00:33:54,960 --> 00:33:57,920
Speaker 2: live my life by and it really struck me that

641
00:33:58,160 --> 00:34:00,440
Speaker 2: a lot of people, and it probably include myself this

642
00:34:01,640 --> 00:34:05,080
Speaker 2: have got an idea of what we think our values are.

643
00:34:06,120 --> 00:34:09,319
Speaker 2: But unless we actually go and audit the process of

644
00:34:09,440 --> 00:34:11,880
Speaker 2: what are we spending our time and money doing, we

645
00:34:11,920 --> 00:34:14,240
Speaker 2: have no idea if we really are living those values.

646
00:34:14,239 --> 00:34:17,400
Speaker 2: So I really like the term audit because it's not

647
00:34:17,480 --> 00:34:21,279
Speaker 2: your perception of how you think you're actually spending your

648
00:34:21,280 --> 00:34:24,480
Speaker 2: money spending your time. It's the reality of it. And

649
00:34:24,840 --> 00:34:28,440
Speaker 2: I think it's something that I haven't done it, and

650
00:34:28,560 --> 00:34:30,759
Speaker 2: I think I think I'm going to do it. I

651
00:34:30,800 --> 00:34:33,560
Speaker 2: think I'm gonna actually see is it aligned with what

652
00:34:33,600 --> 00:34:36,479
Speaker 2: you say you stand for? Are you actually spending time

653
00:34:36,560 --> 00:34:38,400
Speaker 2: like that? So is this a common thing? Do you

654
00:34:38,440 --> 00:34:41,200
Speaker 2: think for people that they have that there is a

655
00:34:41,280 --> 00:34:45,800
Speaker 2: gap between their desired values and their actual values.

656
00:34:46,120 --> 00:34:48,239
Speaker 1: I genuine believe, first of all wrong, and thank you

657
00:34:48,239 --> 00:34:51,840
Speaker 1: for sharing that too. And I genuinely believe that people

658
00:34:51,880 --> 00:34:54,880
Speaker 1: are well intentioned and want to do good in the world.

659
00:34:54,880 --> 00:34:57,880
Speaker 1: I believe that I believe that people have a good heart,

660
00:34:58,160 --> 00:35:00,360
Speaker 1: They're smarter than we think they are, they want to

661
00:35:00,360 --> 00:35:01,839
Speaker 1: do good in the world, and they want to put

662
00:35:01,840 --> 00:35:07,000
Speaker 1: out good energy but you're exactly right that that intention

663
00:35:07,800 --> 00:35:12,440
Speaker 1: needs to be converted and transferred into real behavior. And

664
00:35:12,480 --> 00:35:14,760
Speaker 1: this is where you'll find you know, you'll hear a

665
00:35:14,800 --> 00:35:16,920
Speaker 1: friend or someone you know say, oh, you know, I

666
00:35:16,960 --> 00:35:20,880
Speaker 1: really value loyalty and I really don't like gossip, and

667
00:35:20,880 --> 00:35:23,399
Speaker 1: then you find out that that person was gossiping about you.

668
00:35:23,719 --> 00:35:26,640
Speaker 1: And how does that feel? It completely feels like someone's

669
00:35:26,920 --> 00:35:30,080
Speaker 1: broken your trust. And so often the way we see

670
00:35:30,320 --> 00:35:34,640
Speaker 1: ourselves or want to see ourselves is amplified compared to

671
00:35:34,680 --> 00:35:38,080
Speaker 1: how we actually behave. So we'll spot something. And there's

672
00:35:38,120 --> 00:35:41,000
Speaker 1: a beautiful story that I share in the book, and

673
00:35:41,239 --> 00:35:43,799
Speaker 1: there's lots of these across the book, but there's these

674
00:35:43,880 --> 00:35:47,600
Speaker 1: there's these old ancient Indian and Zen stories. And there's

675
00:35:47,600 --> 00:35:50,759
Speaker 1: this story of the evil king that goes to meet

676
00:35:50,760 --> 00:35:53,640
Speaker 1: a good king. So the evil king goes to the

677
00:35:54,480 --> 00:35:56,839
Speaker 1: castle the quarters of the good king, and the good king,

678
00:35:56,920 --> 00:36:00,600
Speaker 1: being a good king, invites the evil king in for

679
00:36:00,680 --> 00:36:04,560
Speaker 1: some dinner. They sit down, These servers bring out the plates.

680
00:36:04,560 --> 00:36:07,200
Speaker 1: The plates are placed in front of the evil king

681
00:36:07,239 --> 00:36:10,680
Speaker 1: and the good king, and they're just about to eat.

682
00:36:11,600 --> 00:36:14,000
Speaker 1: And it's just about as they're about to eat, the

683
00:36:14,080 --> 00:36:19,280
Speaker 1: evil king switches the plates, and the good King goes

684
00:36:19,920 --> 00:36:22,520
Speaker 1: what's going on? Like is that some ceremony in your time?

685
00:36:22,600 --> 00:36:26,439
Speaker 1: Like why are we doing this? And the evil King goes, well,

686
00:36:26,480 --> 00:36:29,200
Speaker 1: I don't know. You might have poisoned my food. You

687
00:36:29,480 --> 00:36:31,480
Speaker 1: might be trying to kill me. You might have poisoned it.

688
00:36:31,800 --> 00:36:33,920
Speaker 1: And the good King just bursts out laughing. It's just

689
00:36:33,960 --> 00:36:36,520
Speaker 1: like really, like come on, this is like I've invited

690
00:36:36,520 --> 00:36:39,680
Speaker 1: you for dinner, like this is my team, like you

691
00:36:39,719 --> 00:36:42,720
Speaker 1: know whatever. It is, like, let's start eating right now.

692
00:36:43,000 --> 00:36:46,359
Speaker 1: And just about he's about to eat, the evil King

693
00:36:46,360 --> 00:36:48,239
Speaker 1: swaps it back again and the good King goes, well,

694
00:36:48,280 --> 00:36:49,840
Speaker 1: now what then, and he goes, well, I don't know,

695
00:36:49,880 --> 00:36:52,960
Speaker 1: you might be double bluffing me. And that night, the

696
00:36:53,040 --> 00:36:56,520
Speaker 1: evil King doesn't eat the Good King happily eats his plate.

697
00:36:57,000 --> 00:37:01,120
Speaker 1: The point is that so often we think we don't

698
00:37:01,280 --> 00:37:05,000
Speaker 1: have some of the mistakes that we make, but we

699
00:37:05,040 --> 00:37:07,239
Speaker 1: see them in everyone else. We see those mistakes in

700
00:37:07,280 --> 00:37:09,800
Speaker 1: other people, so we'll say, oh, this person's not doing

701
00:37:09,840 --> 00:37:11,920
Speaker 1: this right, or I don't like the way he or

702
00:37:11,960 --> 00:37:14,600
Speaker 1: she talked to that person. But if we really do

703
00:37:14,640 --> 00:37:16,759
Speaker 1: an audit in ourselves, we'll realize that we have a

704
00:37:16,800 --> 00:37:20,279
Speaker 1: lot of those same challenges and feelings that we may

705
00:37:20,320 --> 00:37:22,799
Speaker 1: think others have. And so for me it's sometimes a

706
00:37:22,880 --> 00:37:27,120
Speaker 1: really scary and daunting task to do that values audit.

707
00:37:27,719 --> 00:37:31,520
Speaker 1: But it truly, truly is a beautiful process that we

708
00:37:31,560 --> 00:37:34,600
Speaker 1: all need to go through to really realign our map

709
00:37:34,640 --> 00:37:36,880
Speaker 1: and get our compass right and start moving in the

710
00:37:36,960 --> 00:37:37,520
Speaker 1: right direction.

711
00:37:39,239 --> 00:37:40,800
Speaker 2: I mean, is it the sort of thing that people

712
00:37:40,840 --> 00:37:42,719
Speaker 2: do once or is it the sort of thing that

713
00:37:42,760 --> 00:37:47,440
Speaker 2: people should revisit? And I guess, you know, if I

714
00:37:47,560 --> 00:37:49,920
Speaker 2: was to ask you, when was the last time you

715
00:37:49,960 --> 00:37:51,360
Speaker 2: did that exercise on yourself?

716
00:37:51,920 --> 00:37:54,920
Speaker 1: Yeah, great question. So I'd say that you have to revisit.

717
00:37:55,080 --> 00:37:58,400
Speaker 1: Like gardening. If you look at your garden outside and

718
00:37:58,440 --> 00:38:00,000
Speaker 1: I can see a bit, I can see a light

719
00:38:00,280 --> 00:38:04,160
Speaker 1: glimpse of Rungin's garden. But if you have a garden,

720
00:38:05,040 --> 00:38:06,879
Speaker 1: how often do you have to garden? Maybe you mow

721
00:38:06,960 --> 00:38:08,800
Speaker 1: the lawn, I don't know, once a week, once a month,

722
00:38:08,880 --> 00:38:10,640
Speaker 1: I don't know, you know, whatever, whatever you.

723
00:38:10,960 --> 00:38:13,239
Speaker 2: I'd say, once a week, once a week. I like

724
00:38:13,320 --> 00:38:15,880
Speaker 2: a nice you know, shortfish lord. I don't like it

725
00:38:15,920 --> 00:38:16,759
Speaker 2: when it gets too long.

726
00:38:16,880 --> 00:38:19,919
Speaker 1: So there you go, once a week. And so I'd

727
00:38:19,920 --> 00:38:22,759
Speaker 1: say that you have to treat this exercise like gardening,

728
00:38:23,280 --> 00:38:25,800
Speaker 1: because when you do a values audit, what you're really

729
00:38:25,840 --> 00:38:28,480
Speaker 1: doing is gardening your values. And what that means is

730
00:38:28,520 --> 00:38:32,000
Speaker 1: you're pulling out the weeds and you're planting new seeds.

731
00:38:32,560 --> 00:38:36,000
Speaker 1: That's really the activity that's happening here. You're planting seeds

732
00:38:36,480 --> 00:38:39,799
Speaker 1: in your mind values that are good values that are

733
00:38:39,840 --> 00:38:43,400
Speaker 1: going to grow into fruits and trees and give shade

734
00:38:43,440 --> 00:38:46,279
Speaker 1: to others and help other people. Or if you don't

735
00:38:46,280 --> 00:38:49,200
Speaker 1: garden once a month, let's say rungen leaves is he

736
00:38:49,200 --> 00:38:51,640
Speaker 1: doesn't bother for the last six months during COVID, he

737
00:38:51,760 --> 00:38:53,759
Speaker 1: just lets it be there. What's going to happen That

738
00:38:53,880 --> 00:38:56,279
Speaker 1: garden's going to be full of weeds, It's going to

739
00:38:56,360 --> 00:38:59,239
Speaker 1: be full of stuff that he doesn't want there. Right,

740
00:38:59,560 --> 00:39:02,879
Speaker 1: it might attract bugs or other things that are there

741
00:39:02,880 --> 00:39:05,280
Speaker 1: that he doesn't want. And that's what happens with our values,

742
00:39:05,360 --> 00:39:08,760
Speaker 1: that after a while, our values start to attract dust,

743
00:39:09,239 --> 00:39:12,600
Speaker 1: they start to attract being covered over by so many

744
00:39:12,600 --> 00:39:15,239
Speaker 1: other desires. So i'ld say it's a regular habit. I'd

745
00:39:15,239 --> 00:39:19,080
Speaker 1: say that I do a refining values and intention exercise

746
00:39:19,440 --> 00:39:22,239
Speaker 1: on myself about three times a week. I used to

747
00:39:22,280 --> 00:39:24,359
Speaker 1: do it every day, but probably about three times a week.

748
00:39:24,360 --> 00:39:26,400
Speaker 1: And I'm not saying anyone has to do it that often.

749
00:39:26,800 --> 00:39:29,279
Speaker 1: I do it that often because I feel I live

750
00:39:29,280 --> 00:39:33,480
Speaker 1: a life that is constantly moving, constantly challenging, and I'm

751
00:39:33,480 --> 00:39:36,880
Speaker 1: presented with a lot of options and opportunities that I

752
00:39:37,000 --> 00:39:39,120
Speaker 1: never imagined i'd have, and so I have to really

753
00:39:39,160 --> 00:39:43,000
Speaker 1: train my mind to focus on these value audits. But

754
00:39:43,200 --> 00:39:45,320
Speaker 1: I also know that every year I spend two or

755
00:39:45,360 --> 00:39:47,719
Speaker 1: three year, two or three weeks and I go back

756
00:39:47,760 --> 00:39:49,440
Speaker 1: to the monastery in India and I spend time in

757
00:39:49,440 --> 00:39:51,840
Speaker 1: the ashroom with months, and so I feel this is

758
00:39:51,880 --> 00:39:54,799
Speaker 1: both an activity that happens weekly or monthly. I'd say

759
00:39:54,840 --> 00:39:57,480
Speaker 1: once a month. I'd say the best way is to

760
00:39:57,480 --> 00:40:00,239
Speaker 1: treat it like your accounts and your taxes. Look at

761
00:40:00,280 --> 00:40:02,040
Speaker 1: it every month, look at your bankstam in every month,

762
00:40:02,400 --> 00:40:04,080
Speaker 1: and then once a year, when you have to do

763
00:40:04,120 --> 00:40:06,799
Speaker 1: your taxes and you're going through that tax return and

764
00:40:06,840 --> 00:40:08,919
Speaker 1: getting it all right, you kind of do a deep

765
00:40:09,000 --> 00:40:11,200
Speaker 1: dive on it. So I'd say if everyone could spend

766
00:40:11,800 --> 00:40:14,439
Speaker 1: three days a year, five days a year going really deep,

767
00:40:14,760 --> 00:40:17,200
Speaker 1: and then one hour a month, a couple of hours

768
00:40:17,200 --> 00:40:19,240
Speaker 1: a month, that would be a great way to build

769
00:40:19,239 --> 00:40:20,240
Speaker 1: it into your practice.

770
00:40:21,080 --> 00:40:24,080
Speaker 2: Yeah. Now, I just want to contrast it with taxes

771
00:40:24,480 --> 00:40:31,279
Speaker 2: and accounts, which can often be quite tedious and you know,

772
00:40:31,800 --> 00:40:35,080
Speaker 2: tear your hair out type exercises for people. For the pressure.

773
00:40:35,520 --> 00:40:38,440
Speaker 2: I would sort of say that the kind of practices

774
00:40:38,480 --> 00:40:41,440
Speaker 2: that off that your book is jam packed for the

775
00:40:41,480 --> 00:40:46,279
Speaker 2: practical tools for people. Once you get into this way

776
00:40:46,320 --> 00:40:50,200
Speaker 2: of thinking, once you start thinking like a monk, these

777
00:40:50,239 --> 00:40:51,960
Speaker 2: practices become fun.

778
00:40:52,560 --> 00:40:54,080
Speaker 1: Right, Yeah, yeah, I think.

779
00:40:54,360 --> 00:40:57,200
Speaker 2: You know, like a lot of there was a doctor.

780
00:40:58,040 --> 00:41:00,360
Speaker 2: One of the things that frustrates me is that everything

781
00:41:00,400 --> 00:41:04,760
Speaker 2: around health, well let's say working out, for example, tends

782
00:41:04,760 --> 00:41:09,160
Speaker 2: to be around you know, punishing yourself and pushing yourself

783
00:41:09,200 --> 00:41:13,719
Speaker 2: and suffering, and so we start to associate things that

784
00:41:13,840 --> 00:41:18,440
Speaker 2: are good for us as being difficult and as being punishing.

785
00:41:19,200 --> 00:41:22,839
Speaker 2: But actually, all the tools in your book are going

786
00:41:22,920 --> 00:41:25,440
Speaker 2: to be good for everyone. They're really going to help people.

787
00:41:25,920 --> 00:41:28,000
Speaker 2: But I would actually say that they're fun. And if

788
00:41:28,000 --> 00:41:30,879
Speaker 2: I just speak to my own experience over the last

789
00:41:30,960 --> 00:41:34,920
Speaker 2: seven years of really against it's my dad. I diving

790
00:41:34,960 --> 00:41:37,439
Speaker 2: into personal growth. Not because it was like, oh Dad's

791
00:41:37,480 --> 00:41:39,319
Speaker 2: not here and now I'm going to do some personal growth. No,

792
00:41:39,920 --> 00:41:43,880
Speaker 2: it was just in the trauma of Dad's death, in

793
00:41:43,920 --> 00:41:47,719
Speaker 2: the sort of emptiness I fil afterwards, that's where I went.

794
00:41:47,920 --> 00:41:51,560
Speaker 2: I would I sort of needed that pain on one

795
00:41:51,680 --> 00:41:55,480
Speaker 2: level to then get me to start asking questions. But

796
00:41:55,719 --> 00:41:58,080
Speaker 2: I love the process of getting to know myself better.

797
00:41:58,160 --> 00:42:00,640
Speaker 2: I love doing these audits. I loved to figure out

798
00:42:00,640 --> 00:42:05,239
Speaker 2: my values. I like potentially almost getting addicted to it,

799
00:42:05,320 --> 00:42:08,799
Speaker 2: like it feels good. And then you start to I

800
00:42:08,880 --> 00:42:13,440
Speaker 2: feel you start to switch off from the noise around you,

801
00:42:13,480 --> 00:42:16,480
Speaker 2: and you really start up come tuned in to who

802
00:42:16,560 --> 00:42:19,040
Speaker 2: you are and what makes you, what makes you tick.

803
00:42:19,239 --> 00:42:22,120
Speaker 1: Learning about ourselves is actually the most fun thing in

804
00:42:22,160 --> 00:42:24,000
Speaker 1: the world. It's the most enjoyable thing in the world.

805
00:42:24,040 --> 00:42:25,839
Speaker 1: When you find out about a new way that your

806
00:42:25,880 --> 00:42:28,400
Speaker 1: mind works and how this value is going to unlock

807
00:42:28,480 --> 00:42:31,320
Speaker 1: this opportunity in your life, rung and spot on it.

808
00:42:31,520 --> 00:42:35,719
Speaker 1: It's such a exciting thing to do, and I would

809
00:42:35,760 --> 00:42:37,840
Speaker 1: encourage you to make it fun. So I'll tell you

810
00:42:37,840 --> 00:42:39,440
Speaker 1: an example of some of the fun activities that I

811
00:42:39,440 --> 00:42:40,000
Speaker 1: love in the book.

812
00:42:40,160 --> 00:42:42,239
Speaker 2: So one of my favorite ones is.

813
00:42:42,719 --> 00:42:48,400
Speaker 1: I sometimes set self the challenge of not comparing, not complaining,

814
00:42:48,560 --> 00:42:51,200
Speaker 1: and not criticizing, And the way I like to do

815
00:42:51,239 --> 00:42:56,440
Speaker 1: this test is I keep a jar of post it

816
00:42:56,480 --> 00:42:59,520
Speaker 1: notes of every time I compare, complain, or criticize. I'll

817
00:42:59,520 --> 00:43:01,520
Speaker 1: put it in and then I have another jar of

818
00:43:01,560 --> 00:43:06,319
Speaker 1: every time I'm collaborative, supportive to others, and grateful. And

819
00:43:06,360 --> 00:43:08,480
Speaker 1: what I love doing is almost doing a competition with

820
00:43:08,560 --> 00:43:12,560
Speaker 1: myself because I love being competitive too. I love engaging

821
00:43:12,560 --> 00:43:15,759
Speaker 1: that in a competition with myself of how often can

822
00:43:15,800 --> 00:43:18,040
Speaker 1: I make sure? So what you find is the first

823
00:43:18,160 --> 00:43:21,680
Speaker 1: day you realize, oh, no, I complain ten times today.

824
00:43:21,920 --> 00:43:24,279
Speaker 1: The second day you're like, oh, I only did seven

825
00:43:24,360 --> 00:43:26,439
Speaker 1: times today, and the third day you're like, I only

826
00:43:26,440 --> 00:43:28,919
Speaker 1: did four. In the fourth day you're like, oh, only once.

827
00:43:28,960 --> 00:43:31,040
Speaker 1: And then on the weekend you binge complain again and

828
00:43:31,080 --> 00:43:33,000
Speaker 1: it all goes up again. But the point is that

829
00:43:33,360 --> 00:43:35,920
Speaker 1: you make it fun and enjoyable because what you understand

830
00:43:36,000 --> 00:43:39,160
Speaker 1: is that you are not your criticism. You are not

831
00:43:39,400 --> 00:43:43,840
Speaker 1: these negative thoughts, You are not these negative beliefs. They've

832
00:43:43,880 --> 00:43:47,200
Speaker 1: just become conditioned and habits, just as your garden is

833
00:43:47,239 --> 00:43:51,600
Speaker 1: not weeds. And what happens is we start thinking that

834
00:43:51,640 --> 00:43:55,920
Speaker 1: we are our pain. We start thinking that we are stress.

835
00:43:56,480 --> 00:43:56,640
Speaker 2: Right.

836
00:43:56,680 --> 00:44:01,040
Speaker 1: We say things like I am just a stress person, right,

837
00:44:01,320 --> 00:44:04,800
Speaker 1: I am just a negative person, And the truth is

838
00:44:04,880 --> 00:44:09,160
Speaker 1: you're not. You're just going through a negative space and time.

839
00:44:09,320 --> 00:44:12,480
Speaker 1: You're just adopted a negative habit or a negative thought,

840
00:44:12,640 --> 00:44:15,279
Speaker 1: But you are not a negative person. It's just in

841
00:44:15,320 --> 00:44:18,320
Speaker 1: the same as you are not unhealthy. You've just adopted

842
00:44:18,480 --> 00:44:21,520
Speaker 1: unhealthy habits. And I think when you start making that

843
00:44:21,640 --> 00:44:25,720
Speaker 1: disconnect between you and the habits you have, you start

844
00:44:25,760 --> 00:44:28,840
Speaker 1: to realize, oh, if I change the habits, I naturally change.

845
00:44:29,120 --> 00:44:31,359
Speaker 1: But you are separate from that. So never get into that,

846
00:44:32,600 --> 00:44:35,279
Speaker 1: Never get into that rhetoric with yourself of I am

847
00:44:35,560 --> 00:44:38,960
Speaker 1: a negative person, or I am a failure, or I

848
00:44:39,000 --> 00:44:40,520
Speaker 1: am a loser, or whatever it may be.

849
00:44:41,360 --> 00:44:46,839
Speaker 2: Yeah, I think it's so important that Jay, that our

850
00:44:46,880 --> 00:44:51,120
Speaker 2: thoughts are important, our words are important, and I think

851
00:44:51,280 --> 00:44:55,160
Speaker 2: many people once you become tuned into it, when when

852
00:44:55,160 --> 00:44:58,479
Speaker 2: you start to identify whey you're using negative self talk,

853
00:44:58,960 --> 00:45:02,600
Speaker 2: it becomes so easy to identify and everyone around you.

854
00:45:02,600 --> 00:45:05,600
Speaker 2: You know, it's something that I spend a lot of

855
00:45:05,600 --> 00:45:09,759
Speaker 2: time thinking about, both of myself personally for bringing up

856
00:45:09,800 --> 00:45:11,680
Speaker 2: my children. It's something we talk about a lot at

857
00:45:11,719 --> 00:45:16,760
Speaker 2: the dinner table about how we're saying things because words

858
00:45:16,840 --> 00:45:20,160
Speaker 2: are powerful, you know, words become the thoughts, right, and

859
00:45:20,200 --> 00:45:22,759
Speaker 2: that they sort of can you know you mentioned those things.

860
00:45:22,800 --> 00:45:25,239
Speaker 2: People often do think that they are their pain, they

861
00:45:25,280 --> 00:45:27,960
Speaker 2: are their feelings, without realizing that these things are transient.

862
00:45:28,000 --> 00:45:30,120
Speaker 2: They come and go, and you are actually separate from that.

863
00:45:30,200 --> 00:45:33,400
Speaker 2: But if you define yourself by that, it becomes very

864
00:45:33,440 --> 00:45:39,279
Speaker 2: hard to change. You know, you mentioned you know, I

865
00:45:39,280 --> 00:45:41,960
Speaker 2: guess a lot of words that people who have a

866
00:45:42,120 --> 00:45:48,280
Speaker 2: victim mindset may say, right, And I want to explore

867
00:45:48,320 --> 00:45:51,040
Speaker 2: this because I want to be super clear. I think

868
00:45:51,080 --> 00:45:54,360
Speaker 2: one thing I love about your approach, and certainly the

869
00:45:54,400 --> 00:45:56,399
Speaker 2: approach that I sort of try and take is one

870
00:45:56,400 --> 00:45:59,000
Speaker 2: of compassion. It's not one of judgment of other people.

871
00:45:59,040 --> 00:46:02,080
Speaker 2: It's understanding someone behaves in a certain way. There's probably

872
00:46:02,640 --> 00:46:06,920
Speaker 2: conditioning or reasons that has led to that. So what

873
00:46:07,040 --> 00:46:09,719
Speaker 2: I say victim mindset, I really don't mean that in

874
00:46:09,760 --> 00:46:12,040
Speaker 2: a demeaning way. I mean that in a lot of

875
00:46:12,040 --> 00:46:14,200
Speaker 2: people say, oh this always happens to me. Oh god,

876
00:46:14,280 --> 00:46:17,319
Speaker 2: you know, I'd never get that promotion right. And so

877
00:46:18,239 --> 00:46:22,080
Speaker 2: the way we think and the way we talk, how

878
00:46:22,280 --> 00:46:28,640
Speaker 2: influential is our childhoods? And you know, what can we

879
00:46:28,760 --> 00:46:32,000
Speaker 2: do about it? If we've spent a lifetime practicing that.

880
00:46:32,840 --> 00:46:36,720
Speaker 1: Yeah, what a great, what a great way of guiding

881
00:46:36,719 --> 00:46:39,319
Speaker 1: this conversation into because I think you're spot on that

882
00:46:39,200 --> 00:46:44,440
Speaker 1: the the words we use create all of our reality. Right,

883
00:46:44,480 --> 00:46:47,880
Speaker 1: we all experienced that, we know that. And there's a

884
00:46:47,880 --> 00:46:49,800
Speaker 1: few things that I want to touch on here. Actually,

885
00:46:49,880 --> 00:46:55,640
Speaker 1: one is the understanding. There's a Harvard study that I

886
00:46:55,719 --> 00:46:59,440
Speaker 1: refer to in my book, and it's called the Emotional

887
00:46:59,520 --> 00:47:03,239
Speaker 1: List or List of emotions, but I call it emotional vocabulary.

888
00:47:03,719 --> 00:47:05,600
Speaker 1: And what I've realized is that we all have a

889
00:47:05,719 --> 00:47:10,440
Speaker 1: very limited emotional vocabulary. For example, if you ask someone

890
00:47:10,800 --> 00:47:14,120
Speaker 1: how things are going, there's literally five words that we

891
00:47:14,280 --> 00:47:20,320
Speaker 1: use more often than anything else. Okay, good, bad, fine, hmmm.

892
00:47:20,760 --> 00:47:24,000
Speaker 1: So someone goes, how's your day going? Okay, how's your

893
00:47:24,000 --> 00:47:24,440
Speaker 1: week been?

894
00:47:24,840 --> 00:47:25,160
Speaker 2: Good?

895
00:47:25,640 --> 00:47:26,680
Speaker 1: Is everything going well?

896
00:47:27,719 --> 00:47:27,879
Speaker 2: Right?

897
00:47:27,960 --> 00:47:30,600
Speaker 1: It's like, literally like those are our responses. And what

898
00:47:30,640 --> 00:47:34,480
Speaker 1: this Harvard Emotional Vocabulary list does is that it shows

899
00:47:34,520 --> 00:47:38,759
Speaker 1: you that inside every word that you say, there are

900
00:47:38,840 --> 00:47:41,200
Speaker 1: so many more meanings. So let's take the word sad

901
00:47:41,400 --> 00:47:44,120
Speaker 1: for example, and what it does is it shows you

902
00:47:44,360 --> 00:47:47,960
Speaker 1: other feelings of sadness that help you better pinpoint how

903
00:47:48,000 --> 00:47:51,520
Speaker 1: you actually feel. So the question then is do you

904
00:47:51,520 --> 00:47:55,320
Speaker 1: feel sad or do you feel offended? Do you feel upset?

905
00:47:55,840 --> 00:47:59,640
Speaker 1: Do you feel disappointed? Do you feel irritated? Do you

906
00:47:59,719 --> 00:48:03,799
Speaker 1: feel all like you've been let down? The challenge is

907
00:48:03,800 --> 00:48:07,960
Speaker 1: that we don't diagnose how we feel effectively. Therefore we

908
00:48:08,000 --> 00:48:11,480
Speaker 1: can't articulate and communicate to the people we love effectively

909
00:48:11,960 --> 00:48:14,839
Speaker 1: about how we feel, and therefore we don't get what

910
00:48:14,880 --> 00:48:17,799
Speaker 1: we expect from others, and so we almost create and rung.

911
00:48:17,880 --> 00:48:20,479
Speaker 1: And you probably see this all the time. Imagine someone

912
00:48:20,520 --> 00:48:24,280
Speaker 1: tries to diagnose their health condition without seeing a doctor.

913
00:48:24,800 --> 00:48:27,759
Speaker 1: It becomes really really challenging. And the challenging with the

914
00:48:27,800 --> 00:48:30,400
Speaker 1: mind is sometimes you have to diagnose your own feelings

915
00:48:30,400 --> 00:48:33,000
Speaker 1: because you can't just walk in to a doctor's office

916
00:48:33,000 --> 00:48:34,799
Speaker 1: and expect them to do it because it's a little

917
00:48:34,800 --> 00:48:37,560
Speaker 1: more intangible. So we have to get much better at

918
00:48:37,719 --> 00:48:42,880
Speaker 1: understanding and articulating ourselves and diagnosing our challenges in what

919
00:48:42,920 --> 00:48:46,480
Speaker 1: we experience. But when you spoke about childhood there, I

920
00:48:46,520 --> 00:48:50,359
Speaker 1: thought that was a really important point because literally, there

921
00:48:50,400 --> 00:48:55,880
Speaker 1: are so many studies that show that our belief in ourselves,

922
00:48:56,719 --> 00:49:01,720
Speaker 1: our desire for love, our understanding of ourselves is formed

923
00:49:01,719 --> 00:49:05,480
Speaker 1: in our childhood. So recently I recorded an episode about

924
00:49:05,520 --> 00:49:08,719
Speaker 1: the psychological concept of the three attachment styles or there

925
00:49:08,760 --> 00:49:12,400
Speaker 1: are four, but the three prominent attachment styles that people

926
00:49:12,480 --> 00:49:18,160
Speaker 1: experience in relationships and they are avoidant, secure, and anxious.

927
00:49:18,920 --> 00:49:24,520
Speaker 1: So all of us either have an avoidant relationship attachment style,

928
00:49:24,600 --> 00:49:26,960
Speaker 1: we have a secure attachment style, or we have an

929
00:49:27,000 --> 00:49:30,560
Speaker 1: anxious attachment style, and I'll explain what they are. If

930
00:49:30,600 --> 00:49:36,080
Speaker 1: your parents were avoidant of you, if they didn't give

931
00:49:36,120 --> 00:49:41,560
Speaker 1: you attention, if they didn't give you presence and intimacy,

932
00:49:41,600 --> 00:49:45,960
Speaker 1: then you often will crave that from your partner. So

933
00:49:46,080 --> 00:49:49,560
Speaker 1: what you want from your partner is exactly what you

934
00:49:49,719 --> 00:49:54,160
Speaker 1: did or didn't receive from your parents. So sometimes you

935
00:49:54,239 --> 00:49:56,400
Speaker 1: receive something from your parents and now you demand it

936
00:49:56,440 --> 00:49:59,560
Speaker 1: from your partner. And sometimes you didn't receive something from

937
00:49:59,600 --> 00:50:02,560
Speaker 1: your parents and you demand that from your partner. The

938
00:50:02,680 --> 00:50:05,759
Speaker 1: secure attachment style is when your parents or one of

939
00:50:05,760 --> 00:50:09,000
Speaker 1: your parents or a father or mother figure in your

940
00:50:09,040 --> 00:50:13,000
Speaker 1: life gave you substantial amounts of love, so you feel secure,

941
00:50:13,440 --> 00:50:16,440
Speaker 1: so you trust your partner naturally. And the third and

942
00:50:16,480 --> 00:50:19,040
Speaker 1: final it is anxious. That's when your parents were kind

943
00:50:19,040 --> 00:50:21,120
Speaker 1: of there, kind of not there, kind of let you down.

944
00:50:21,200 --> 00:50:25,400
Speaker 1: Sometimes with there you are confused about their love approach

945
00:50:25,440 --> 00:50:29,000
Speaker 1: to you, and therefore now you have this anxiousness around

946
00:50:29,040 --> 00:50:31,840
Speaker 1: your partner and you're not sure whether they love you

947
00:50:32,000 --> 00:50:34,719
Speaker 1: or not. Now, notice how all of that comes from

948
00:50:34,719 --> 00:50:38,200
Speaker 1: our conditioning at childhood, and so the first step we

949
00:50:38,280 --> 00:50:41,239
Speaker 1: have to do is we have to be aware of this. Right,

950
00:50:41,280 --> 00:50:43,160
Speaker 1: no one's ever been taught about this in school. I

951
00:50:43,239 --> 00:50:48,440
Speaker 1: saw so many negative patterns that I'd adopted from my

952
00:50:48,560 --> 00:50:52,160
Speaker 1: childhood that I was projecting into my relationship. And by

953
00:50:52,160 --> 00:50:54,120
Speaker 1: the way, I don't blame my parents or anyone's parents

954
00:50:54,120 --> 00:50:56,319
Speaker 1: for any of this. I think the point is no

955
00:50:56,360 --> 00:50:57,680
Speaker 1: one ever knows how to be a parent and what

956
00:50:57,680 --> 00:51:00,400
Speaker 1: they're doing, and everyone makes mistakes. So this isn't about

957
00:51:00,960 --> 00:51:05,200
Speaker 1: questioning your parents or being bitter towards them. It's about

958
00:51:05,239 --> 00:51:10,279
Speaker 1: developing the emotional skills your parents didn't have, and that

959
00:51:10,400 --> 00:51:14,000
Speaker 1: first of all requires awareness. Are you even aware of

960
00:51:14,040 --> 00:51:17,279
Speaker 1: what patterns you've adopted from your parents that you like

961
00:51:17,440 --> 00:51:20,400
Speaker 1: or don't like? Do you behave in certain irrational ways

962
00:51:20,400 --> 00:51:22,840
Speaker 1: and when you think about it, you're like, that's exactly

963
00:51:22,880 --> 00:51:24,879
Speaker 1: how my dad used to talk to me. Well, that's

964
00:51:24,920 --> 00:51:27,200
Speaker 1: exactly how my mom used to talk to me. I

965
00:51:27,239 --> 00:51:31,080
Speaker 1: often talk about a positive thing. So I love surprises.

966
00:51:31,880 --> 00:51:35,680
Speaker 1: I love surprises like from forgives and birthdays and events.

967
00:51:35,880 --> 00:51:39,239
Speaker 1: And the reason is my mom always surprised me with

968
00:51:39,320 --> 00:51:42,719
Speaker 1: the toy I most wanted on my birthday every year

969
00:51:42,800 --> 00:51:47,279
Speaker 1: growing up. So when I met my wife without explaining

970
00:51:47,320 --> 00:51:51,400
Speaker 1: this to her, I expected her to know that and

971
00:51:51,440 --> 00:51:54,080
Speaker 1: she would never surprise me because it wasn't in her

972
00:51:54,120 --> 00:51:57,440
Speaker 1: parental background. So I used to feel on my birthdays

973
00:51:57,440 --> 00:52:00,120
Speaker 1: when we first met that she didn't love me. And

974
00:52:00,160 --> 00:52:02,040
Speaker 1: I know this sounds crazy, but it's literally true. It's

975
00:52:02,080 --> 00:52:04,480
Speaker 1: like I literally felt like she didn't care about me.

976
00:52:05,080 --> 00:52:08,040
Speaker 1: But that's because I never understood why I like surprises

977
00:52:08,800 --> 00:52:11,680
Speaker 1: where that came from, and I never communicated that to her.

978
00:52:12,360 --> 00:52:13,239
Speaker 1: Does that make sense wrong?

979
00:52:14,600 --> 00:52:17,880
Speaker 2: Hey? More sense than you you would know for sure.

980
00:52:18,000 --> 00:52:20,880
Speaker 2: I mean, you know, I can think back to my

981
00:52:20,920 --> 00:52:24,279
Speaker 2: own relationship and think to all kinds of ways that

982
00:52:24,440 --> 00:52:28,240
Speaker 2: actually and I recently spoke to Esther Parrel on the show,

983
00:52:28,280 --> 00:52:30,439
Speaker 2: and y, you know, really sort of opened up about

984
00:52:30,440 --> 00:52:35,440
Speaker 2: a lot of those things. And I think the thing

985
00:52:35,560 --> 00:52:38,640
Speaker 2: I'm I'm sort of I'm hearing from you telling that story,

986
00:52:38,960 --> 00:52:43,680
Speaker 2: and when I think about my own relationship, it's that

987
00:52:44,400 --> 00:52:47,960
Speaker 2: we often have expectations because we're used to things a

988
00:52:48,000 --> 00:52:51,319
Speaker 2: certain way, so we think that's the norm. But of

989
00:52:51,360 --> 00:52:53,239
Speaker 2: course someone else has got their own idea of what

990
00:52:53,360 --> 00:52:58,480
Speaker 2: is normal. And you know, we we've we've explored this ourselves.

991
00:52:58,480 --> 00:53:03,000
Speaker 2: And I think as your communication gets better, as you learn,

992
00:53:03,400 --> 00:53:06,279
Speaker 2: as you said, to have a vocabulary around these things,

993
00:53:06,320 --> 00:53:09,200
Speaker 2: as you learned to be able to articulate them, suddenly there's

994
00:53:09,280 --> 00:53:12,160
Speaker 2: understanding on both sides and a lot of that friction

995
00:53:12,400 --> 00:53:15,200
Speaker 2: no longer arises because you can communicate. So and I

996
00:53:15,200 --> 00:53:17,400
Speaker 2: guess now your wife will go, oh, you know, Jay

997
00:53:17,640 --> 00:53:20,879
Speaker 2: likes gifts, you know, even though that's not my thing.

998
00:53:21,120 --> 00:53:23,719
Speaker 2: For example, it's kind of like, oh, maybe I'll get

999
00:53:23,760 --> 00:53:26,399
Speaker 2: a good because that's how he experienced his love.

1000
00:53:26,840 --> 00:53:29,399
Speaker 1: My wife organized two surprise parties from in the last

1001
00:53:29,440 --> 00:53:32,480
Speaker 1: two years and and she got me both times. Like

1002
00:53:32,800 --> 00:53:35,200
Speaker 1: she organized these two incredible and that's what it is wrong,

1003
00:53:35,200 --> 00:53:38,120
Speaker 1: and like, that's what it is is that we're just

1004
00:53:38,320 --> 00:53:42,960
Speaker 1: you know, in every relationship, you have the ability to

1005
00:53:43,160 --> 00:53:47,360
Speaker 1: set the level of joy you expect and the level

1006
00:53:47,400 --> 00:53:51,160
Speaker 1: of pain you'll accept. But the problem is that we

1007
00:53:51,320 --> 00:53:55,239
Speaker 1: never tell the other person what that expectation and what

1008
00:53:55,239 --> 00:53:58,560
Speaker 1: that acceptance level is and we never communicate that and

1009
00:53:58,600 --> 00:54:01,239
Speaker 1: we expect them to be minded doesn't expect them to know.

1010
00:54:01,920 --> 00:54:05,440
Speaker 1: And that's really where all relationships go wrong with our parents,

1011
00:54:05,480 --> 00:54:09,680
Speaker 1: our children, our spouses, our partners, that there is no

1012
00:54:10,400 --> 00:54:14,600
Speaker 1: communication on what we expect and what we're willing to accept,

1013
00:54:15,160 --> 00:54:18,320
Speaker 1: and that creates so many issues that you then think

1014
00:54:18,880 --> 00:54:22,680
Speaker 1: you broke up over something big, when actually you broke

1015
00:54:22,760 --> 00:54:25,799
Speaker 1: up over words and definitions. One of the ones I

1016
00:54:25,880 --> 00:54:28,960
Speaker 1: like to talk about is the definition of love. When

1017
00:54:29,440 --> 00:54:31,160
Speaker 1: think about the first time you said I love you

1018
00:54:31,200 --> 00:54:33,080
Speaker 1: to someone wronging like, think about the first time you

1019
00:54:33,080 --> 00:54:35,080
Speaker 1: said it to someone and everyone who is listening on watching.

1020
00:54:35,120 --> 00:54:37,520
Speaker 1: Think about the first time you told someone you loved them?

1021
00:54:38,520 --> 00:54:42,560
Speaker 1: What did you mean? Did you mean I really like you?

1022
00:54:42,600 --> 00:54:45,040
Speaker 1: Did you mean I hope we can spend the night together.

1023
00:54:45,640 --> 00:54:47,279
Speaker 1: Did you mean I want to spend the rest of

1024
00:54:47,280 --> 00:54:50,440
Speaker 1: my life with you. I'm guessing that you meant different

1025
00:54:50,480 --> 00:54:53,760
Speaker 1: things at different times. And now, think about when someone

1026
00:54:53,840 --> 00:54:58,319
Speaker 1: says I love you back to you. Have you ever

1027
00:54:58,320 --> 00:55:01,520
Speaker 1: asked them what they meant by that, because chances are

1028
00:55:01,600 --> 00:55:05,200
Speaker 1: you projected your belief onto the word love. Even when

1029
00:55:05,200 --> 00:55:07,439
Speaker 1: someone said I love you back So if you said

1030
00:55:07,480 --> 00:55:09,080
Speaker 1: I love you, and you were thinking, I want to

1031
00:55:09,080 --> 00:55:11,200
Speaker 1: spend the rest of my life with you, and that

1032
00:55:11,239 --> 00:55:14,359
Speaker 1: person said I love you, you projected that they were

1033
00:55:14,360 --> 00:55:15,759
Speaker 1: saying they want to spend the rest of their lives

1034
00:55:15,760 --> 00:55:17,080
Speaker 1: with you as well. But actually what they were saying

1035
00:55:17,200 --> 00:55:18,440
Speaker 1: was they just want to spend the night with you.

1036
00:55:18,800 --> 00:55:21,280
Speaker 1: And now all of a sudden, you're in this complete

1037
00:55:22,600 --> 00:55:26,840
Speaker 1: misalignment of values, and we end up in those scenarios

1038
00:55:26,880 --> 00:55:32,200
Speaker 1: because families define words differently, People define words differently, and

1039
00:55:32,280 --> 00:55:35,040
Speaker 1: different words mean different things to different people at different times,

1040
00:55:35,080 --> 00:55:38,720
Speaker 1: and so you really have to understand how that person

1041
00:55:38,800 --> 00:55:42,719
Speaker 1: described even being clean and tidy and organized, everyone has

1042
00:55:42,760 --> 00:55:46,160
Speaker 1: a different definition like this. You know, my room may

1043
00:55:46,160 --> 00:55:48,399
Speaker 1: seem clean to some people and my room may seem

1044
00:55:48,480 --> 00:55:51,279
Speaker 1: chaotic to some people because everyone has a different definition

1045
00:55:52,040 --> 00:55:53,520
Speaker 1: of what clean and chaotic is.

1046
00:55:54,840 --> 00:56:01,280
Speaker 2: Yeah, very powerful, and you know certainly that the contentments

1047
00:56:01,480 --> 00:56:04,879
Speaker 2: that my wife and I feel in our relationship has

1048
00:56:04,920 --> 00:56:09,560
Speaker 2: improved dramatically since communication got better and as you know,

1049
00:56:09,760 --> 00:56:13,680
Speaker 2: really interesting. You know, one of the most amazing things

1050
00:56:13,800 --> 00:56:15,920
Speaker 2: since getting married has been getting to know my wife's family,

1051
00:56:15,920 --> 00:56:19,319
Speaker 2: who are just amazing, incredible, And the more time you

1052
00:56:19,400 --> 00:56:24,360
Speaker 2: spend with them. The more you understand how vid my

1053
00:56:24,400 --> 00:56:27,080
Speaker 2: wife has got her characteristics, you're like, oh, of course

1054
00:56:27,840 --> 00:56:30,480
Speaker 2: that's how you've been brought up. I wasn't brought up

1055
00:56:30,560 --> 00:56:33,680
Speaker 2: like that, right, I had a completely different upbringing. So

1056
00:56:33,920 --> 00:56:37,240
Speaker 2: my idea of what is normal is completely different from yours.

1057
00:56:37,239 --> 00:56:39,799
Speaker 2: And if we both go through life in our own

1058
00:56:39,840 --> 00:56:42,759
Speaker 2: heads thinking this is normal, well, of course there's going

1059
00:56:42,840 --> 00:56:46,399
Speaker 2: to be blow up, some friction because they are. They

1060
00:56:46,440 --> 00:56:50,840
Speaker 2: both are normal, but they're different normals to different people.

1061
00:56:52,080 --> 00:56:54,680
Speaker 2: You know, you, as you sort of talk about relationship,

1062
00:56:54,719 --> 00:56:59,080
Speaker 2: you reminded me of a moment in your book where

1063
00:56:59,120 --> 00:57:02,399
Speaker 2: you spoke about your relationship with your now wife when

1064
00:57:02,400 --> 00:57:07,120
Speaker 2: you first started dating her, and I think you took

1065
00:57:07,120 --> 00:57:10,799
Speaker 2: her out too. I think you saved up. Well you can,

1066
00:57:10,960 --> 00:57:13,839
Speaker 2: you can share that actually what happens. And I'll tell

1067
00:57:13,840 --> 00:57:16,800
Speaker 2: you the reason why it made me stop and laugh

1068
00:57:16,880 --> 00:57:19,880
Speaker 2: is because it reminded me. Although there were different scenarios.

1069
00:57:20,320 --> 00:57:23,920
Speaker 2: I remember when I first met my now wife, when

1070
00:57:23,920 --> 00:57:25,520
Speaker 2: I when I went out, you know, when I was

1071
00:57:25,560 --> 00:57:29,520
Speaker 2: just dating her for a few months. I remember, like so,

1072
00:57:29,600 --> 00:57:31,760
Speaker 2: I'd played in bands for a few years and at

1073
00:57:31,760 --> 00:57:34,600
Speaker 2: the time one of my so the way EPs was

1074
00:57:34,600 --> 00:57:36,880
Speaker 2: being sold in HMV in Manchester and had a couple

1075
00:57:36,920 --> 00:57:39,040
Speaker 2: of shows and I think when we first started dacing

1076
00:57:39,120 --> 00:57:41,640
Speaker 2: she came along. And then I can't remember when, but

1077
00:57:41,720 --> 00:57:43,680
Speaker 2: a few weeks or a few months into it, I said,

1078
00:57:44,200 --> 00:57:46,000
Speaker 2: you know, hey, babe, I've got the show tonight. Do

1079
00:57:46,040 --> 00:57:47,840
Speaker 2: you want to you know, your fancy come along? And

1080
00:57:48,880 --> 00:57:53,240
Speaker 2: so no, I'm good. Thanks. I was like, oh, no,

1081
00:57:53,360 --> 00:57:55,680
Speaker 2: you sure, you sure you don't want to coach, Like, yeah,

1082
00:57:55,760 --> 00:57:57,360
Speaker 2: I'm all right. Actually there's something I'll tell you I

1083
00:57:57,360 --> 00:57:59,640
Speaker 2: want to watch tonight. It was something something which was

1084
00:58:00,200 --> 00:58:02,960
Speaker 2: you know, for my ego at that time, back in

1085
00:58:03,000 --> 00:58:06,680
Speaker 2: the day. I was like, oh, why does she want

1086
00:58:06,680 --> 00:58:08,360
Speaker 2: to come? You know, does she not like me? You

1087
00:58:08,360 --> 00:58:10,520
Speaker 2: know what? What? You know? It was really interesting. But

1088
00:58:10,560 --> 00:58:13,000
Speaker 2: I think that drew me more towards her because I

1089
00:58:13,040 --> 00:58:15,960
Speaker 2: thought I've never had that before, like that was. I

1090
00:58:15,960 --> 00:58:18,680
Speaker 2: think that made me more attracted to her as like, oh,

1091
00:58:18,800 --> 00:58:21,160
Speaker 2: she's not bothered about that stuff. And I actually genuinely

1092
00:58:21,200 --> 00:58:23,240
Speaker 2: do would say, now, that's one of the best things

1093
00:58:23,280 --> 00:58:26,120
Speaker 2: about her, that kind of stuff she does not give

1094
00:58:26,240 --> 00:58:28,840
Speaker 2: to who. She likes me and loves me for who

1095
00:58:28,880 --> 00:58:32,320
Speaker 2: I am underneath and not for the kind of you know,

1096
00:58:33,240 --> 00:58:35,480
Speaker 2: not because you know, I'm on Telly or I've you know,

1097
00:58:35,840 --> 00:58:38,640
Speaker 2: whatever with these books or whatever. You know, she's not

1098
00:58:38,880 --> 00:58:41,240
Speaker 2: bothered about that sort at all. And it's the best

1099
00:58:41,240 --> 00:58:41,680
Speaker 2: thing ever.

1100
00:58:42,160 --> 00:58:44,200
Speaker 1: Yeah, and that's such a you know, it's such a

1101
00:58:44,200 --> 00:58:46,960
Speaker 1: blessing to have that in your life. Wronger, because you know,

1102
00:58:47,080 --> 00:58:49,320
Speaker 1: you meet people at different times, and people meet the

1103
00:58:49,360 --> 00:58:51,000
Speaker 1: love of their life at different times, and it can

1104
00:58:51,000 --> 00:58:53,360
Speaker 1: get really challenging. You reminded me of an interview that

1105
00:58:53,600 --> 00:58:55,240
Speaker 1: I think I've referred to even in the book of

1106
00:58:56,080 --> 00:58:59,400
Speaker 1: Robert Downey Jr. And I think he's at Cambridge University

1107
00:58:59,440 --> 00:59:00,920
Speaker 1: and they're doing A and A with him and they're like,

1108
00:59:00,960 --> 00:59:02,520
Speaker 1: you know, what does it feel like to be Iron

1109
00:59:02,560 --> 00:59:04,800
Speaker 1: Man and you know, be this incredible movie star and

1110
00:59:04,840 --> 00:59:07,400
Speaker 1: the Avengers? And he's like, yeah, you know, when I

1111
00:59:07,440 --> 00:59:09,720
Speaker 1: come home and I open the door back from work,

1112
00:59:09,760 --> 00:59:11,560
Speaker 1: it's not like my fifth kids and my family are like,

1113
00:59:11,720 --> 00:59:14,200
Speaker 1: oh my god, it's Iron Man. You know. He's just

1114
00:59:14,200 --> 00:59:16,240
Speaker 1: like my wife's like, can you can you take the

1115
00:59:16,600 --> 00:59:19,360
Speaker 1: trash out? And you know, my ear and it's almost

1116
00:59:19,400 --> 00:59:22,120
Speaker 1: like that reality check and and yeah for my wife

1117
00:59:22,760 --> 00:59:25,840
Speaker 1: in similar what you were saying, you know, for us,

1118
00:59:26,520 --> 00:59:31,840
Speaker 1: it was this understanding that I had believed that the

1119
00:59:31,960 --> 00:59:34,920
Speaker 1: romance that I saw in the movies was what romance

1120
00:59:34,960 --> 00:59:37,680
Speaker 1: and love was about. Because again, how many of us

1121
00:59:37,680 --> 00:59:42,720
Speaker 1: are Our beliefs are set by movies, media, and music.

1122
00:59:43,440 --> 00:59:45,760
Speaker 1: So many of our beliefs and what we expect in

1123
00:59:45,800 --> 00:59:48,680
Speaker 1: a relationship are based on a false show. And if

1124
00:59:48,680 --> 00:59:52,840
Speaker 1: you think about it, movies always end with Happily ever After,

1125
00:59:53,400 --> 00:59:56,440
Speaker 1: where the wedding just happened, So it's almost like you

1126
00:59:56,520 --> 00:59:59,120
Speaker 1: see nothing after the wedding. And the funny thing is

1127
00:59:59,160 --> 01:00:02,040
Speaker 1: that after the is exactly what life is about. Like

1128
01:00:02,080 --> 01:00:04,760
Speaker 1: that's where life actually starts, like this life didn't start

1129
01:00:04,800 --> 01:00:07,880
Speaker 1: when you started dating. But movies end with happily ever after,

1130
01:00:08,240 --> 01:00:10,640
Speaker 1: and they don't tell the story, and so we all

1131
01:00:10,680 --> 01:00:14,200
Speaker 1: have this honeymoon happily ever after version of love. And

1132
01:00:14,280 --> 01:00:17,240
Speaker 1: I had that too. So my first date with my wife,

1133
01:00:17,280 --> 01:00:19,040
Speaker 1: I thought, oh, you know, she want to go to

1134
01:00:19,080 --> 01:00:22,000
Speaker 1: a fancy restaurant. You know, she'll probably want to dress up,

1135
01:00:22,080 --> 01:00:24,600
Speaker 1: she'll want to do this, because that's what I thought

1136
01:00:25,080 --> 01:00:27,760
Speaker 1: from nowhere, like she'd give me no indication of that,

1137
01:00:28,240 --> 01:00:32,080
Speaker 1: and so again, no checking of expectation, no checking of communication,

1138
01:00:32,320 --> 01:00:35,480
Speaker 1: just complete me on autopilot, and so I booked. I

1139
01:00:35,560 --> 01:00:38,320
Speaker 1: got this reservation at this fancy restaurant I'll never forget

1140
01:00:38,360 --> 01:00:41,000
Speaker 1: the name. It's called Lacanda Locatelli, and it's like this

1141
01:00:41,240 --> 01:00:44,360
Speaker 1: really posh restaurant in London. It's like David Beckham goes

1142
01:00:44,400 --> 01:00:46,560
Speaker 1: there and that kind of thing. And so I'd saved

1143
01:00:46,640 --> 01:00:49,960
Speaker 1: up to take my wife to this restaurant and she

1144
01:00:50,320 --> 01:00:52,520
Speaker 1: it was the worst date we've ever been on, and

1145
01:00:52,560 --> 01:00:54,040
Speaker 1: it was our first date. And she was just like,

1146
01:00:54,080 --> 01:00:56,560
Speaker 1: you could have walked me down Tesco's, like the food

1147
01:00:56,600 --> 01:00:58,880
Speaker 1: isle at Tesco's, and I would have been happier. She

1148
01:00:58,920 --> 01:01:01,800
Speaker 1: loves she loves she loves going shopping for food. So

1149
01:01:01,840 --> 01:01:04,880
Speaker 1: any sort of Tescos or Whole Foods or Waitrose or

1150
01:01:04,920 --> 01:01:07,320
Speaker 1: whatever that she loves it. And so and it was

1151
01:01:07,360 --> 01:01:09,120
Speaker 1: so interesting to me to think. I was like, well,

1152
01:01:09,160 --> 01:01:10,920
Speaker 1: I put all this effort in, and that's what happened.

1153
01:01:10,960 --> 01:01:13,200
Speaker 1: You start thinking your ego goes well, you put all

1154
01:01:13,200 --> 01:01:17,000
Speaker 1: this effort in, she doesn't appreciate it, and actually realize no,

1155
01:01:17,200 --> 01:01:19,760
Speaker 1: it's just you know, me speaking to her in a

1156
01:01:19,840 --> 01:01:23,360
Speaker 1: language she doesn't understand. And this part's the biggest part

1157
01:01:23,360 --> 01:01:25,160
Speaker 1: about how media and I've got to share this story

1158
01:01:25,360 --> 01:01:28,600
Speaker 1: so wrong. And do you remember how much? Do you

1159
01:01:28,600 --> 01:01:31,000
Speaker 1: remember any guidance on how much you spent on your

1160
01:01:31,040 --> 01:01:33,600
Speaker 1: engagement ring? Because this is really like profound for me,

1161
01:01:33,640 --> 01:01:36,040
Speaker 1: But do you remember anything when you proposed to your wife? What?

1162
01:01:36,480 --> 01:01:39,000
Speaker 2: Yeah, you know what. I can't remember an exact amount,

1163
01:01:39,040 --> 01:01:42,320
Speaker 2: but I I remember thinking, oh, how much are you

1164
01:01:42,440 --> 01:01:45,240
Speaker 2: meant to And I thought, really that much? That's the like,

1165
01:01:45,360 --> 01:01:48,479
Speaker 2: I can't remember what happened in the end, but yeah,

1166
01:01:48,520 --> 01:01:50,760
Speaker 2: but I know that's out there, is that there's a

1167
01:01:50,960 --> 01:01:53,120
Speaker 2: rule by society on what you should do.

1168
01:01:53,360 --> 01:01:53,600
Speaker 1: Yeah.

1169
01:01:53,680 --> 01:01:55,160
Speaker 2: So I so that was the thing.

1170
01:01:55,200 --> 01:01:57,800
Speaker 1: So I remember wanting to propose to my now wife,

1171
01:01:58,080 --> 01:01:59,840
Speaker 1: and I remember speaking to a bunch of my guy

1172
01:02:00,240 --> 01:02:02,640
Speaker 1: who were proposed or were married, and they all said,

1173
01:02:02,680 --> 01:02:07,080
Speaker 1: you spend two months salary on your engagement ring. I

1174
01:02:07,120 --> 01:02:08,760
Speaker 1: was like, that sounds like a lot. I had the

1175
01:02:08,800 --> 01:02:11,720
Speaker 1: same reaction as you, and I was like, Okay, that's

1176
01:02:11,760 --> 01:02:14,000
Speaker 1: what you have to spend. So I remember spending two

1177
01:02:14,040 --> 01:02:16,480
Speaker 1: months salary on my engagement ring for my wife. I

1178
01:02:16,480 --> 01:02:19,000
Speaker 1: didn't make a ton at the time, and I worked

1179
01:02:19,280 --> 01:02:21,880
Speaker 1: at a corporate job, and so I did that. And

1180
01:02:21,920 --> 01:02:24,840
Speaker 1: then when I started sharing more ideas and stuff. I

1181
01:02:24,840 --> 01:02:27,840
Speaker 1: really started looking into that, and this is the craziest thing.

1182
01:02:28,640 --> 01:02:35,360
Speaker 1: I found a de Beer's commercial from nineteen ninety one.

1183
01:02:36,160 --> 01:02:38,840
Speaker 1: And in that commercial, it's a black and white commercial.

1184
01:02:38,840 --> 01:02:40,360
Speaker 1: I don't know why, but it was chosen to be

1185
01:02:40,400 --> 01:02:44,560
Speaker 1: black and white. And in that commercial, a man proposes

1186
01:02:44,640 --> 01:02:48,120
Speaker 1: to a woman with a diamond engagement ring. It's a

1187
01:02:48,120 --> 01:02:51,760
Speaker 1: de Beer's commercial, and at the end of it it says,

1188
01:02:51,840 --> 01:02:53,720
Speaker 1: this cat's this. This is what it says. It says

1189
01:02:53,760 --> 01:02:58,800
Speaker 1: the diamond engagement ring. How else could two months salary

1190
01:02:59,320 --> 01:03:03,480
Speaker 1: last for wherever? And I was sitting there going are

1191
01:03:03,520 --> 01:03:06,880
Speaker 1: you kidding me? That? That was literally the tagline in

1192
01:03:06,920 --> 01:03:11,120
Speaker 1: a commercial, and so many men took it seriously that

1193
01:03:11,200 --> 01:03:13,120
Speaker 1: by the time I proposed that was nineteen ninety one.

1194
01:03:13,160 --> 01:03:18,040
Speaker 1: I proposed in two thousand and fourteen, And so it's like,

1195
01:03:18,280 --> 01:03:22,040
Speaker 1: from nineteen ninety one to twenty fourteen it became a rule,

1196
01:03:22,600 --> 01:03:25,120
Speaker 1: when actually it was just a tagline and an advert,

1197
01:03:25,840 --> 01:03:29,320
Speaker 1: just showing you the power of media's ability to implant.

1198
01:03:29,360 --> 01:03:31,920
Speaker 1: And really that's inception at its best. If you've never

1199
01:03:31,920 --> 01:03:33,920
Speaker 1: seen the movie Inception, check it out. But that is

1200
01:03:33,960 --> 01:03:37,400
Speaker 1: literally inception at its best. That that idea was planted

1201
01:03:37,400 --> 01:03:39,600
Speaker 1: in our mind in nineteen ninety one, and in two

1202
01:03:39,640 --> 01:03:43,720
Speaker 1: thousand and fourteen, I'm still operating by that idea and

1203
01:03:43,720 --> 01:03:45,520
Speaker 1: I don't even know where it's come from. That's the

1204
01:03:45,560 --> 01:03:48,280
Speaker 1: power of an idea, and that's why it's so important

1205
01:03:48,320 --> 01:03:50,960
Speaker 1: that we plant powerful ideas into our mind that are

1206
01:03:51,040 --> 01:03:52,160
Speaker 1: useful to us.

1207
01:03:52,600 --> 01:03:59,480
Speaker 2: And that's the value and how powerful stories are and narrative,

1208
01:03:59,640 --> 01:04:02,280
Speaker 2: even stories that we tell ourselves. So that then starts

1209
01:04:02,280 --> 01:04:05,720
Speaker 2: off as maybe the idea of one advertising executive and

1210
01:04:05,760 --> 01:04:08,280
Speaker 2: a company somewhere who gets is getting paid to do

1211
01:04:08,320 --> 01:04:11,240
Speaker 2: this commercial does it, and then it becomes a reality

1212
01:04:11,280 --> 01:04:13,080
Speaker 2: for millions of people around the world who are then

1213
01:04:13,080 --> 01:04:15,600
Speaker 2: a stressed out trying to think, oh, if I'm going

1214
01:04:15,680 --> 01:04:19,400
Speaker 2: to be a real man, I have to spend two

1215
01:04:19,520 --> 01:04:24,280
Speaker 2: months salary on this ring. And it goes back to

1216
01:04:24,360 --> 01:04:27,160
Speaker 2: everything you're talking about. This about identity, it's about stories.

1217
01:04:27,240 --> 01:04:32,080
Speaker 2: It's about how can we start creating the stories that

1218
01:04:32,440 --> 01:04:34,920
Speaker 2: are going to start to help us, you know, going

1219
01:04:35,000 --> 01:04:37,080
Speaker 2: to nourish us and feed us, rather than the ones

1220
01:04:37,120 --> 01:04:39,680
Speaker 2: that are going to keep us trapped and in prison.

1221
01:04:39,760 --> 01:04:42,480
Speaker 2: And I think there's two things I think your book

1222
01:04:42,640 --> 01:04:45,640
Speaker 2: really like when I think about it big picture, what

1223
01:04:45,760 --> 01:04:47,560
Speaker 2: it offers. I mean, there's so many things, but there

1224
01:04:47,560 --> 01:04:51,400
Speaker 2: are two themes I already think about our one. Awareness.

1225
01:04:52,120 --> 01:04:56,520
Speaker 2: I think every single chapter people are going to start thinking,

1226
01:04:56,520 --> 01:04:58,880
Speaker 2: and there's just start going to Because you shared so

1227
01:04:58,920 --> 01:05:01,760
Speaker 2: many lovely stories as well in it, which I think

1228
01:05:01,840 --> 01:05:03,560
Speaker 2: really brings it to life. People are going to start

1229
01:05:03,600 --> 01:05:06,680
Speaker 2: to see their own life in them. And I think

1230
01:05:06,680 --> 01:05:09,439
Speaker 2: you're going to help bring awareness to people. And of course,

1231
01:05:09,480 --> 01:05:12,400
Speaker 2: without awareness, there can be no change. Awareness is that

1232
01:05:12,560 --> 01:05:16,560
Speaker 2: first step, and often awareness is all you need. I

1233
01:05:16,600 --> 01:05:18,720
Speaker 2: find sometimes, and of course there are lots of practices

1234
01:05:18,760 --> 01:05:21,840
Speaker 2: you can do to help, but sometimes just being aware means, oh,

1235
01:05:21,880 --> 01:05:23,600
Speaker 2: I can change that now because I know where that's

1236
01:05:23,640 --> 01:05:25,920
Speaker 2: coming from. But the other thing I think your book

1237
01:05:25,920 --> 01:05:32,240
Speaker 2: offers people is freedom, because you get true in a

1238
01:05:32,360 --> 01:05:36,520
Speaker 2: piece and mental freedom to live the life that you

1239
01:05:36,680 --> 01:05:40,200
Speaker 2: want to, not the life that other people have set

1240
01:05:40,240 --> 01:05:42,680
Speaker 2: out for you or an advertising exec has sort of

1241
01:05:43,320 --> 01:05:46,960
Speaker 2: implanted as an idea. And then you know, if we

1242
01:05:47,000 --> 01:05:48,520
Speaker 2: sort of start to go in some of these practical

1243
01:05:48,520 --> 01:05:52,520
Speaker 2: tools you mentioned some exercises already. You mentioned gratitude, and

1244
01:05:52,600 --> 01:05:55,720
Speaker 2: gratitude has come up on the show before. But what

1245
01:05:55,800 --> 01:05:59,280
Speaker 2: I loved about your take on it was if I

1246
01:05:59,280 --> 01:06:02,440
Speaker 2: remember the chatter it right that you said gratitude is

1247
01:06:02,440 --> 01:06:05,640
Speaker 2: a daily practice. That's the easy part. I want you

1248
01:06:05,720 --> 01:06:09,640
Speaker 2: to be grateful in every aspects of your life and

1249
01:06:09,680 --> 01:06:11,680
Speaker 2: I love that. And I've been sitting with the idea

1250
01:06:11,720 --> 01:06:14,040
Speaker 2: for the last week or so. What if you could

1251
01:06:14,040 --> 01:06:15,120
Speaker 2: expand on it, Jay.

1252
01:06:15,200 --> 01:06:19,320
Speaker 1: Yeah, beautiful. I'm really glad you're asking me about gratitude.

1253
01:06:19,600 --> 01:06:21,520
Speaker 1: Before we do that, though, you sparked another thought, do

1254
01:06:21,520 --> 01:06:22,800
Speaker 1: you mind if I kind of go back?

1255
01:06:22,840 --> 01:06:24,480
Speaker 2: If you're okay with know where you want to go?

1256
01:06:24,600 --> 01:06:26,560
Speaker 1: You're You're sparking so many great thoughts in my mind,

1257
01:06:26,800 --> 01:06:28,919
Speaker 1: I can't ignore them. This is such a you're such

1258
01:06:28,960 --> 01:06:31,880
Speaker 1: a great interview. It's so much fun. Like I really

1259
01:06:31,880 --> 01:06:34,320
Speaker 1: feel like you've just we've gone in so many directions

1260
01:06:34,320 --> 01:06:35,919
Speaker 1: that I didn't even plan, so thank you so much.

1261
01:06:35,960 --> 01:06:40,000
Speaker 1: But when you were talking about the stories we tell ourselves.

1262
01:06:40,920 --> 01:06:43,560
Speaker 1: I think that's so important because there's a there's a

1263
01:06:43,560 --> 01:06:47,000
Speaker 1: great study there talking about the book by Amy Reznowski

1264
01:06:47,240 --> 01:06:51,040
Speaker 1: from the Yale University, and what they found is that

1265
01:06:51,080 --> 01:06:54,320
Speaker 1: they tried to find a career that they felt people

1266
01:06:54,360 --> 01:06:58,080
Speaker 1: may find not sharing a positive story around, and they

1267
01:06:58,160 --> 01:07:02,560
Speaker 1: found that hospital cleaners or hospital workers potentially at one

1268
01:07:02,560 --> 01:07:04,640
Speaker 1: of the toughest jobs and rung and you're a doctor,

1269
01:07:04,680 --> 01:07:07,560
Speaker 1: and you know, I'm sure you've seen people having to

1270
01:07:07,560 --> 01:07:10,360
Speaker 1: do that work, and it's a tough job. And so

1271
01:07:10,440 --> 01:07:15,120
Speaker 1: they asked hospital workers how they defined their jobs, and

1272
01:07:15,200 --> 01:07:18,920
Speaker 1: the majority of them defined it as low skilled, defined

1273
01:07:18,920 --> 01:07:23,480
Speaker 1: it as you know, insignificant, defined it as just a

1274
01:07:23,520 --> 01:07:25,440
Speaker 1: way to pay the bills, and that their job wasn't

1275
01:07:25,800 --> 01:07:28,320
Speaker 1: useful or their job wasn't important, and their role was

1276
01:07:28,760 --> 01:07:33,240
Speaker 1: basically described like the personnel manual. But then they asked

1277
01:07:33,240 --> 01:07:35,720
Speaker 1: another set of hospital workers, the same people who did

1278
01:07:35,720 --> 01:07:38,360
Speaker 1: the same jobs, different people who did the same jobs,

1279
01:07:38,480 --> 01:07:40,200
Speaker 1: and they said, how do you feel about your jobs?

1280
01:07:41,080 --> 01:07:44,400
Speaker 1: And these people had completely different views. They felt they

1281
01:07:44,440 --> 01:07:49,080
Speaker 1: were healers, they felt they were caretakers, They felt that

1282
01:07:49,160 --> 01:07:53,880
Speaker 1: they were able to transform the energy of the actual hospital.

1283
01:07:53,960 --> 01:07:56,920
Speaker 1: They felt that they were careers for the people there.

1284
01:07:57,760 --> 01:08:00,600
Speaker 1: And what they found is that these same people, sorry,

1285
01:08:00,640 --> 01:08:04,040
Speaker 1: different people who did the same job, were telling themselves

1286
01:08:04,080 --> 01:08:07,520
Speaker 1: a different story. And therefore they saw their role as

1287
01:08:07,600 --> 01:08:10,960
Speaker 1: integral to the healing of the patient. And because they

1288
01:08:11,000 --> 01:08:13,720
Speaker 1: saw their role as integral to the healing of the patient.

1289
01:08:14,120 --> 01:08:18,040
Speaker 1: They found the work that they did to be extremely meaningful.

1290
01:08:18,840 --> 01:08:21,679
Speaker 1: And that's crazy to think about it that different people

1291
01:08:21,720 --> 01:08:24,680
Speaker 1: doing the same job could say different things about the

1292
01:08:24,800 --> 01:08:28,240
Speaker 1: same work. They're doing the same exact thing daily, but

1293
01:08:28,320 --> 01:08:31,320
Speaker 1: someone thinks it's meaningless, and the other things it's so meaningful.

1294
01:08:31,640 --> 01:08:34,639
Speaker 1: And this was a term by Yale that was called

1295
01:08:34,680 --> 01:08:39,240
Speaker 1: the It was called job crafting. The ability to assign

1296
01:08:39,479 --> 01:08:42,240
Speaker 1: meaning where you see it, and all of a sudden,

1297
01:08:42,280 --> 01:08:44,360
Speaker 1: your life becomes meaningful. So if you're sitting in a

1298
01:08:44,439 --> 01:08:46,760
Speaker 1: job right now that you hate, or if you've got

1299
01:08:46,800 --> 01:08:49,559
Speaker 1: a boss that you really don't like, or if you're

1300
01:08:49,600 --> 01:08:51,760
Speaker 1: in a relationship that you don't want to be in,

1301
01:08:52,680 --> 01:08:55,080
Speaker 1: if you can't leave for whatever reason right now because

1302
01:08:55,080 --> 01:08:58,360
Speaker 1: of COVID or lockdown or whatever it is financial difficulties.

1303
01:08:58,360 --> 01:09:01,120
Speaker 1: If you can't leave and you really want to, one

1304
01:09:01,160 --> 01:09:02,880
Speaker 1: of the things I recommend you do is called job

1305
01:09:02,920 --> 01:09:05,880
Speaker 1: crafting from the Yel School of Management. Do you start

1306
01:09:05,920 --> 01:09:08,320
Speaker 1: asking yourself, where can I find meaning in this? What

1307
01:09:08,400 --> 01:09:12,479
Speaker 1: can I learn? What can I adopt? What is this

1308
01:09:12,560 --> 01:09:14,880
Speaker 1: trying to teach me? And that's actually where gratitude can

1309
01:09:14,920 --> 01:09:19,240
Speaker 1: be applied to every place, because you start going. There

1310
01:09:19,360 --> 01:09:21,320
Speaker 1: is some value in this. I remember when I wanted

1311
01:09:21,360 --> 01:09:23,800
Speaker 1: to leave my corporate job and I wanted to live

1312
01:09:23,840 --> 01:09:26,679
Speaker 1: my passion and do what I do today. But I'm

1313
01:09:26,720 --> 01:09:28,840
Speaker 1: so grateful I was at my corporate job because I

1314
01:09:28,960 --> 01:09:32,320
Speaker 1: learned so much there that it's so useful to me now.

1315
01:09:33,080 --> 01:09:35,320
Speaker 1: And we find it very easy to be grateful when

1316
01:09:35,360 --> 01:09:38,479
Speaker 1: things are going our way, but we find it very

1317
01:09:38,520 --> 01:09:41,240
Speaker 1: difficult to be grateful when things are not going our way.

1318
01:09:42,000 --> 01:09:43,920
Speaker 1: But what we have to learn to realize, which is

1319
01:09:43,960 --> 01:09:46,240
Speaker 1: a really hard lesson to realize, is that things are

1320
01:09:46,439 --> 01:09:49,919
Speaker 1: always going your way. If you're moving in the right direction,

1321
01:09:50,600 --> 01:09:53,120
Speaker 1: things are not going to always look like they're going

1322
01:09:53,160 --> 01:09:56,000
Speaker 1: your way, and they could still be going your way.

1323
01:09:56,280 --> 01:09:58,920
Speaker 1: We've all seen curses turn into gifts, and gifts turn

1324
01:09:58,960 --> 01:10:01,519
Speaker 1: into curses. The the problem is wrong and this is

1325
01:10:01,560 --> 01:10:05,040
Speaker 1: the challenge. We have a projector up here of what

1326
01:10:05,080 --> 01:10:07,760
Speaker 1: we want life to look like, and then we have

1327
01:10:07,840 --> 01:10:10,840
Speaker 1: the reality of what life actually looks like. So there's

1328
01:10:10,840 --> 01:10:14,600
Speaker 1: this big discrepancy. And so sometimes you're actually going in

1329
01:10:14,600 --> 01:10:17,120
Speaker 1: the right direction, but because it doesn't look like your

1330
01:10:17,200 --> 01:10:19,479
Speaker 1: picture and your image of what it should look like,

1331
01:10:20,360 --> 01:10:23,439
Speaker 1: you work less. You become lazier, you become complacent, you

1332
01:10:23,479 --> 01:10:26,280
Speaker 1: try less harder. But this doesn't look like the right direction.

1333
01:10:27,400 --> 01:10:29,479
Speaker 1: But you'll get to where you want in life, just

1334
01:10:29,520 --> 01:10:32,639
Speaker 1: not in the way you imagined it if you keep going,

1335
01:10:33,000 --> 01:10:35,320
Speaker 1: if you keep pushing, if you keep learning. And that's

1336
01:10:35,360 --> 01:10:38,439
Speaker 1: what it means to be grateful in all areas of

1337
01:10:38,479 --> 01:10:42,040
Speaker 1: your life is trying to even in the toughest moment,

1338
01:10:42,880 --> 01:10:45,479
Speaker 1: even in a challenging situation. Not gratitude like, oh, I'm

1339
01:10:45,479 --> 01:10:48,439
Speaker 1: so thankful to you for causing me the pain. That's

1340
01:10:48,439 --> 01:10:50,200
Speaker 1: not what I'm talking about. What I'm talking about is

1341
01:10:50,200 --> 01:10:54,280
Speaker 1: saying to yourself, where is their meaning in this? Where

1342
01:10:54,320 --> 01:10:56,840
Speaker 1: is the lesson in this? So I don't repeat this again.

1343
01:10:57,320 --> 01:11:00,559
Speaker 1: If I can be grateful in this challenging situation, and

1344
01:11:00,600 --> 01:11:04,160
Speaker 1: I can experience gratitude at all times, then I'm always

1345
01:11:04,200 --> 01:11:06,519
Speaker 1: going to be coming at things from a positive space

1346
01:11:06,560 --> 01:11:07,479
Speaker 1: and positive energy.

1347
01:11:07,960 --> 01:11:12,320
Speaker 2: Yeah, so powerful, Jay. Would you recommend people start off

1348
01:11:12,320 --> 01:11:17,000
Speaker 2: with a particular daily practice as a way of getting

1349
01:11:17,200 --> 01:11:20,680
Speaker 2: good and developing the skill before they can start applying it.

1350
01:11:20,760 --> 01:11:24,719
Speaker 2: Let's say to aspects of their life that maybe aren't

1351
01:11:24,760 --> 01:11:26,240
Speaker 2: going as well as they want to, where they have

1352
01:11:26,280 --> 01:11:29,480
Speaker 2: to reframe things. I mean, what has been your experience

1353
01:11:29,520 --> 01:11:32,160
Speaker 2: in trying to teach people about gratitude and how they

1354
01:11:32,200 --> 01:11:33,880
Speaker 2: should start that process.

1355
01:11:34,479 --> 01:11:37,360
Speaker 1: Yeah, so you always develop your muscles in the training

1356
01:11:37,400 --> 01:11:38,920
Speaker 1: center and in the gym. You don't go out and

1357
01:11:38,960 --> 01:11:41,120
Speaker 1: develop your muscles on game day, right, Like, no one

1358
01:11:41,200 --> 01:11:43,559
Speaker 1: gets thrown out onto the pitch and says, oh yeah,

1359
01:11:43,600 --> 01:11:45,400
Speaker 1: go and play a World Cup final and you'll figure

1360
01:11:45,400 --> 01:11:47,040
Speaker 1: out how strong you are. You would never do that.

1361
01:11:47,040 --> 01:11:49,559
Speaker 1: You train in the gym, you prepare, you get ready,

1362
01:11:49,560 --> 01:11:51,000
Speaker 1: and then you go. You don't go. I want to

1363
01:11:51,080 --> 01:11:52,600
Speaker 1: learn how to run. Maybe I should run in the

1364
01:11:52,600 --> 01:11:54,920
Speaker 1: marathon next year. Right, you don't. That's not how it works.

1365
01:11:55,320 --> 01:11:58,000
Speaker 1: And so Rungon's absolutely right that it starts in small bouts.

1366
01:11:58,000 --> 01:11:59,479
Speaker 1: So I want to get more practical because me and

1367
01:12:00,120 --> 01:12:04,000
Speaker 1: Ken about a lot of concepts today when we talk

1368
01:12:04,040 --> 01:12:07,120
Speaker 1: about practicing thankfulness or gratitude, and I talk about four

1369
01:12:07,160 --> 01:12:09,040
Speaker 1: habits in the book, one of them, one of the

1370
01:12:09,120 --> 01:12:13,040
Speaker 1: key daily habits or daily practices is thankfulness. Now, thankfulness

1371
01:12:13,080 --> 01:12:17,320
Speaker 1: isn't just about feeling. Thankfulness isn't just about thinking. It's

1372
01:12:17,360 --> 01:12:21,519
Speaker 1: actually about expressing. So when Rongan messaged me a few

1373
01:12:21,560 --> 01:12:24,360
Speaker 1: weeks back and he told me that he'd been reading

1374
01:12:24,360 --> 01:12:26,400
Speaker 1: my book. I sent him an early copy because he

1375
01:12:26,400 --> 01:12:27,960
Speaker 1: was going to interview on the podcast, and he sent

1376
01:12:28,000 --> 01:12:32,680
Speaker 1: me that message. I was so grateful to him, like genuinely,

1377
01:12:33,160 --> 01:12:35,439
Speaker 1: because he was expressing gratitude to me. And that's the

1378
01:12:35,479 --> 01:12:38,880
Speaker 1: amazing thing instead of just feeling gratitude. Let's say rung

1379
01:12:39,000 --> 01:12:40,600
Speaker 1: and felt it, but he didn't say it to me.

1380
01:12:41,640 --> 01:12:43,160
Speaker 1: If he didn't say it to me, he would have

1381
01:12:43,200 --> 01:12:46,760
Speaker 1: not had the experience a of sharing it, b of

1382
01:12:46,840 --> 01:12:51,040
Speaker 1: receiving my gratitude back to him, and our relationship deepening

1383
01:12:51,240 --> 01:12:54,240
Speaker 1: based on that simple message he sent me. And so

1384
01:12:54,360 --> 01:12:57,960
Speaker 1: gratitude becomes more powerful when you express it daily. So

1385
01:12:58,040 --> 01:13:01,240
Speaker 1: every day I ask yourself, who's a person that you

1386
01:13:01,280 --> 01:13:04,599
Speaker 1: want to express gratitude to you and go and tell them. Secondly,

1387
01:13:04,640 --> 01:13:07,840
Speaker 1: what's a place that you're grateful for and spend more

1388
01:13:07,840 --> 01:13:10,639
Speaker 1: time in that place, And what's a project that you're

1389
01:13:10,680 --> 01:13:12,920
Speaker 1: grateful for in your life? And if you write these

1390
01:13:12,920 --> 01:13:15,320
Speaker 1: down every single day before you go to bed, who's

1391
01:13:15,320 --> 01:13:17,719
Speaker 1: a person I'm grateful for and why, what's a place

1392
01:13:17,760 --> 01:13:19,920
Speaker 1: that I'm grateful for and why? And right now it

1393
01:13:19,960 --> 01:13:22,080
Speaker 1: may not be a place you can go to, may

1394
01:13:22,080 --> 01:13:24,160
Speaker 1: be a place that you visited and you're so grateful

1395
01:13:24,200 --> 01:13:26,880
Speaker 1: you got to go there before COVID. And the third

1396
01:13:26,880 --> 01:13:29,680
Speaker 1: thing is a project in your life. And so when

1397
01:13:29,720 --> 01:13:33,280
Speaker 1: you express gratitude, make sure that it's specific. So I'll

1398
01:13:33,280 --> 01:13:35,720
Speaker 1: give you an example. Let's say rung And throws a

1399
01:13:35,720 --> 01:13:38,320
Speaker 1: party with his wife this weekend at their home, and

1400
01:13:38,400 --> 01:13:42,320
Speaker 1: their friends come over. And one of his friends rung And,

1401
01:13:42,320 --> 01:13:44,200
Speaker 1: give me two friends names in your life, and we'll

1402
01:13:44,200 --> 01:13:45,160
Speaker 1: pick on them for a bit.

1403
01:13:46,320 --> 01:13:53,000
Speaker 2: Okay, I say Jeremy Jeremy. Don't he'll be listening, you

1404
01:13:53,040 --> 01:13:56,880
Speaker 2: know what. Okay, Gareth, Gareth and Jeremy. So let's say

1405
01:13:56,880 --> 01:13:59,720
Speaker 2: Gareth and Jeremy. And again, I'm just going to add

1406
01:13:59,720 --> 01:14:01,720
Speaker 2: a this claim. And none of this reflects Gareth and

1407
01:14:01,800 --> 01:14:04,639
Speaker 2: Jeremy in real life. But let's say Gareth and Jamie

1408
01:14:04,680 --> 01:14:07,080
Speaker 2: come to this party that rang and his wife throw

1409
01:14:07,160 --> 01:14:10,200
Speaker 2: and it's just, you know, just gathering to get people together.

1410
01:14:10,479 --> 01:14:14,240
Speaker 2: The next morning, Rangon wakes up. He doesn't look at

1411
01:14:14,240 --> 01:14:15,840
Speaker 2: his first thing in the morning, his phone. That's not

1412
01:14:15,840 --> 01:14:16,519
Speaker 2: what Rangon does.

1413
01:14:16,520 --> 01:14:19,719
Speaker 1: Wrongon looks at his phone about three hours later, after

1414
01:14:19,800 --> 01:14:22,800
Speaker 1: he's exercised meditaid, spent time with his kids and then

1415
01:14:22,840 --> 01:14:25,160
Speaker 1: he looks at his phone and he sees these two

1416
01:14:25,240 --> 01:14:27,080
Speaker 1: messages from Gareth and Jeremy.

1417
01:14:27,920 --> 01:14:30,000
Speaker 2: Gareth sorry about this, but here we go.

1418
01:14:30,240 --> 01:14:34,680
Speaker 1: So Gareth had message him saying thanks mate, it was great, right,

1419
01:14:34,840 --> 01:14:39,120
Speaker 1: That was Gareth's message, and Jeremy's message was Roungan, thank

1420
01:14:39,160 --> 01:14:41,439
Speaker 1: you so much. Like you and your wife just throw

1421
01:14:41,439 --> 01:14:44,320
Speaker 1: an amazing party and I loved all the games we played.

1422
01:14:44,360 --> 01:14:46,800
Speaker 1: Your kids are adorable. And oh, by the way, you

1423
01:14:46,840 --> 01:14:50,280
Speaker 1: know you know that food? How did you both make that?

1424
01:14:50,280 --> 01:14:53,160
Speaker 1: The food was amazing? Thank you so much. Thank you

1425
01:14:53,200 --> 01:14:55,800
Speaker 1: for letting us have this moment together. So those are

1426
01:14:55,800 --> 01:14:59,000
Speaker 1: two messages A l B. Which one do you think

1427
01:14:59,040 --> 01:15:02,800
Speaker 1: cards is Rongon more joy now wronging the grateful person,

1428
01:15:02,840 --> 01:15:04,960
Speaker 1: So we'll be grateful to both of them, but he's

1429
01:15:04,960 --> 01:15:07,680
Speaker 1: more likely, and honestly, all of us are going to

1430
01:15:07,680 --> 01:15:11,280
Speaker 1: be more grateful to Jeremy in that scenario because he's

1431
01:15:11,320 --> 01:15:13,640
Speaker 1: gone into more depth and being specific about what he

1432
01:15:13,760 --> 01:15:17,880
Speaker 1: actually liked and learned, and because of that, he's now

1433
01:15:17,920 --> 01:15:20,599
Speaker 1: going to attract more love and gratitude back from Rongon

1434
01:15:20,640 --> 01:15:25,719
Speaker 1: as well. So that's why expressing gratitude is actually the key.

1435
01:15:25,840 --> 01:15:29,400
Speaker 1: And if we can express gratitude to people, places, and projects.

1436
01:15:30,040 --> 01:15:32,280
Speaker 1: We start to develop more gratitude in our life, and

1437
01:15:32,320 --> 01:15:33,760
Speaker 1: that's something we can do daily. And it can be

1438
01:15:33,800 --> 01:15:36,160
Speaker 1: an email, it can be a voice note, can be

1439
01:15:36,200 --> 01:15:38,600
Speaker 1: a text, it could be a video call, but it

1440
01:15:38,640 --> 01:15:40,439
Speaker 1: can be as simple as just a text message. But

1441
01:15:40,800 --> 01:15:44,519
Speaker 1: specific gratitude is scientifically shown to be better for you

1442
01:15:44,640 --> 01:15:45,880
Speaker 1: and better for the other person.

1443
01:15:46,960 --> 01:15:49,000
Speaker 2: Yeah, I mean, Jay, thanks so much for sharing that,

1444
01:15:49,120 --> 01:15:53,120
Speaker 2: because you know, gratitude gets spoken about a lot these days.

1445
01:15:53,160 --> 01:15:56,479
Speaker 2: But I think that specificity piece, I think that example

1446
01:15:56,600 --> 01:16:00,960
Speaker 2: beautifully demonstrates just I can feel it the difference. You know,

1447
01:16:01,000 --> 01:16:04,360
Speaker 2: you can. You can feel it viscerally as you as

1448
01:16:04,400 --> 01:16:07,559
Speaker 2: you hear it. It does something different. And I remember

1449
01:16:08,600 --> 01:16:11,439
Speaker 2: so clearly. I think I left you a a WhatsApp

1450
01:16:11,520 --> 01:16:15,720
Speaker 2: voice message because I was literally I was thinking, oh,

1451
01:16:15,760 --> 01:16:17,400
Speaker 2: he's probably a sleep now, but he won't have his

1452
01:16:17,439 --> 01:16:19,120
Speaker 2: phone on at nights. You know, there's that bit of

1453
01:16:19,120 --> 01:16:21,920
Speaker 2: insecurity at first, and I don't know, just express the

1454
01:16:22,040 --> 01:16:24,280
Speaker 2: damn gratitude, you know, you'd you know, I think the

1455
01:16:24,600 --> 01:16:26,960
Speaker 2: wrong of a few years ago possibly wouldn't have done

1456
01:16:27,000 --> 01:16:29,280
Speaker 2: it out of insecurity. Or will this be taken the

1457
01:16:29,360 --> 01:16:32,600
Speaker 2: right way or the wrong way or whatever, but that

1458
01:16:33,080 --> 01:16:36,240
Speaker 2: I would say the person I am today, having done

1459
01:16:36,240 --> 01:16:38,080
Speaker 2: a lot of the work and having practiced a lot

1460
01:16:38,080 --> 01:16:43,120
Speaker 2: of these tools, you know there is if not only

1461
01:16:43,160 --> 01:16:45,639
Speaker 2: did as you're sharing. Does it feel good for you

1462
01:16:45,720 --> 01:16:49,439
Speaker 2: to get it? But it feels nice to share. I'm

1463
01:16:49,600 --> 01:16:51,599
Speaker 2: doing a lot of voice notes these days. I'm finding

1464
01:16:51,640 --> 01:16:54,720
Speaker 2: I'm going in to WhatsApp pressing the mic. In fact,

1465
01:16:54,760 --> 01:16:57,200
Speaker 2: someone told me during lockdown that you can actually press

1466
01:16:57,240 --> 01:17:00,679
Speaker 2: it and flip it up, my friend Jay, Thanks, Jerdi,

1467
01:17:00,720 --> 01:17:01,800
Speaker 2: I didn't know you could do that. I said, you

1468
01:17:01,840 --> 01:17:03,080
Speaker 2: can talk without actually holding it.

1469
01:17:03,120 --> 01:17:04,760
Speaker 1: I didn't know that either, I hold it down.

1470
01:17:05,680 --> 01:17:09,599
Speaker 2: Thank you. Yeah, that's actually Jeremy's wife. So so it's

1471
01:17:09,600 --> 01:17:12,080
Speaker 2: all coming. It's bringing it back together for those guys.

1472
01:17:12,120 --> 01:17:15,680
Speaker 2: But you know, I find it's really some I'm a

1473
01:17:15,760 --> 01:17:18,680
Speaker 2: vocal kind of person. I like talking, and sometimes I

1474
01:17:18,720 --> 01:17:21,680
Speaker 2: find it hard to express what I want to want

1475
01:17:21,680 --> 01:17:24,719
Speaker 2: a text message. I'll just do a WhatsApp voice message.

1476
01:17:24,720 --> 01:17:27,160
Speaker 2: And yeah, I think gratitude is super powerful. One thing

1477
01:17:27,160 --> 01:17:29,080
Speaker 2: I'm going to add, well, I'll ask you, actually, do

1478
01:17:29,120 --> 01:17:33,599
Speaker 2: you do your gratitude practice by yourself or do you

1479
01:17:33,800 --> 01:17:36,240
Speaker 2: also do it with your wife?

1480
01:17:36,600 --> 01:17:39,519
Speaker 1: So I do my gratitude practice by myself, but then

1481
01:17:39,520 --> 01:17:42,080
Speaker 1: the expression may lead to me expressing it to my

1482
01:17:42,160 --> 01:17:44,400
Speaker 1: wife if she's the person that day that I'm being

1483
01:17:44,400 --> 01:17:46,599
Speaker 1: grateful for. And now I'm probably grateful to my wife

1484
01:17:46,640 --> 01:17:49,160
Speaker 1: every day, and so I express gratitude to her every day.

1485
01:17:50,040 --> 01:17:54,120
Speaker 1: But I really find spending some time by myself to

1486
01:17:54,320 --> 01:17:57,360
Speaker 1: figure out my mind first. It's almost like if you're

1487
01:17:57,360 --> 01:17:59,360
Speaker 1: both trying to solve a problem together, you can help

1488
01:17:59,400 --> 01:18:02,920
Speaker 1: each other, but one person can sometimes take shortcuts because

1489
01:18:02,920 --> 01:18:05,479
Speaker 1: the other person kind of carries the weight, and it's

1490
01:18:05,520 --> 01:18:08,559
Speaker 1: really important to really be clear about who you're grateful for.

1491
01:18:08,680 --> 01:18:10,760
Speaker 1: You can do it with your partner, of course, but

1492
01:18:10,840 --> 01:18:13,160
Speaker 1: make sure one of you are not kind of relying

1493
01:18:13,200 --> 01:18:14,640
Speaker 1: on the other person to come up with all the

1494
01:18:14,680 --> 01:18:17,280
Speaker 1: answers and do all the hard work when it really

1495
01:18:17,360 --> 01:18:20,400
Speaker 1: needs to be a personal feeling. So you know, yeah,

1496
01:18:20,400 --> 01:18:23,200
Speaker 1: for me, it's for me. I feel gratitude is the

1497
01:18:23,240 --> 01:18:26,679
Speaker 1: easiest gift you can give someone and the easiest gift

1498
01:18:26,720 --> 01:18:29,880
Speaker 1: for someone to receive, especially when it's genuine and specific

1499
01:18:30,640 --> 01:18:32,640
Speaker 1: and rung. And I would encourage you not just with me,

1500
01:18:32,760 --> 01:18:34,800
Speaker 1: but with anyone. You know, it was so genuine and

1501
01:18:34,840 --> 01:18:37,920
Speaker 1: specific that you know I recommend you continue to do

1502
01:18:38,000 --> 01:18:41,000
Speaker 1: that sharing of gratitude as you saw and you said

1503
01:18:41,000 --> 01:18:41,519
Speaker 1: it's visceral.

1504
01:18:41,600 --> 01:18:41,840
Speaker 2: It is.

1505
01:18:41,920 --> 01:18:44,920
Speaker 1: It boosts your mood when you're grateful to someone in

1506
01:18:44,960 --> 01:18:46,960
Speaker 1: a specific way and then you feel their love that.

1507
01:18:48,320 --> 01:18:51,360
Speaker 2: Do you feel or do you think as I do?

1508
01:18:51,520 --> 01:18:56,320
Speaker 2: That many people have got hang ups and insecurities, and

1509
01:18:56,400 --> 01:18:59,840
Speaker 2: therefore to do what I did to actually express gratitude

1510
01:18:59,880 --> 01:19:06,440
Speaker 2: to someone, they're fearful about doing it. Yea, because insecurity

1511
01:19:06,640 --> 01:19:10,599
Speaker 2: is I think we all face insecurities, right, And how

1512
01:19:10,640 --> 01:19:12,880
Speaker 2: would you help someone who says, hey, Jay, look I

1513
01:19:13,040 --> 01:19:15,120
Speaker 2: want to do that, Like I'd love to tell my

1514
01:19:15,320 --> 01:19:18,439
Speaker 2: work colleague that, you know, she was so helpful to

1515
01:19:18,520 --> 01:19:20,320
Speaker 2: me yesterday and she got me out of this jam

1516
01:19:20,320 --> 01:19:22,519
Speaker 2: and helped me do something. But you know what will

1517
01:19:22,520 --> 01:19:25,200
Speaker 2: that come across wrong? I don't really know what will

1518
01:19:25,200 --> 01:19:27,439
Speaker 2: they think? I mean, what would you say someone like that?

1519
01:19:28,120 --> 01:19:29,760
Speaker 1: Yeah? I think you are right. I think some of

1520
01:19:29,760 --> 01:19:33,960
Speaker 1: our insecurity comes from Sometimes our insecurity can come from

1521
01:19:34,000 --> 01:19:37,160
Speaker 1: our ego, which is blocking our gratitude. So the ego says, well,

1522
01:19:37,400 --> 01:19:40,519
Speaker 1: I don't want to recognize that someone else is doing

1523
01:19:40,560 --> 01:19:43,320
Speaker 1: something good because it makes me feel inferior. That's one

1524
01:19:43,320 --> 01:19:46,160
Speaker 1: of the ways that our ego can block us from gratitude.

1525
01:19:46,800 --> 01:19:49,439
Speaker 1: And I believe in some traditions and in some circles

1526
01:19:49,439 --> 01:19:54,720
Speaker 1: i've heard ego being translated to eliminate gratitude out right.

1527
01:19:54,760 --> 01:19:57,320
Speaker 1: It's like a limited ego, So you know, you can

1528
01:19:57,720 --> 01:20:00,599
Speaker 1: kind of lose gratitude through ego. Did you think, oh,

1529
01:20:00,600 --> 01:20:03,000
Speaker 1: if I tell them that they're good, then that means

1530
01:20:03,000 --> 01:20:05,559
Speaker 1: I'm not good, which is not true at all. The

1531
01:20:05,600 --> 01:20:08,280
Speaker 1: other way the insecurity comes in gratitude is like, well,

1532
01:20:08,320 --> 01:20:10,880
Speaker 1: what if they think I'm just trying to I'm just

1533
01:20:10,960 --> 01:20:13,240
Speaker 1: trying to get close to them, or I'm just trying

1534
01:20:13,240 --> 01:20:15,160
Speaker 1: to say something nice for the sake of it, or

1535
01:20:15,200 --> 01:20:18,040
Speaker 1: I'm just lying or pretending, Like what if they think

1536
01:20:18,080 --> 01:20:20,360
Speaker 1: I'm just trying to suck up to them?

1537
01:20:20,439 --> 01:20:20,720
Speaker 2: Right? Like?

1538
01:20:21,240 --> 01:20:23,760
Speaker 1: Is that the reason? And so sometimes we hold back

1539
01:20:23,800 --> 01:20:27,559
Speaker 1: how we feel. What I'd say to you is, I'd

1540
01:20:27,560 --> 01:20:33,160
Speaker 1: say that expressing gratitude, if genuine, if from the heart,

1541
01:20:33,400 --> 01:20:38,000
Speaker 1: and if well explained and thought out, should always be shared,

1542
01:20:38,120 --> 01:20:41,559
Speaker 1: even when you feel uncomfortable, because when it's shared from

1543
01:20:41,640 --> 01:20:46,360
Speaker 1: that place, you've already got the benefits of feeling grateful.

1544
01:20:46,960 --> 01:20:50,200
Speaker 1: And then if that person does or doesn't react in

1545
01:20:50,240 --> 01:20:51,800
Speaker 1: the way you expect them to. And by the way,

1546
01:20:51,840 --> 01:20:53,960
Speaker 1: they shouldn't be a need for them to react because

1547
01:20:53,960 --> 01:20:57,120
Speaker 1: you're just thanking them for what they've already done. You're

1548
01:20:57,120 --> 01:20:59,120
Speaker 1: not thanking them for what they're about to do. You're

1549
01:20:59,160 --> 01:21:01,559
Speaker 1: thanking them for what they're already done. So now if

1550
01:21:01,560 --> 01:21:05,280
Speaker 1: they respond in an ungrateful way, you haven't lost your

1551
01:21:05,320 --> 01:21:07,400
Speaker 1: gratitude because you're grateful for what they did in the past,

1552
01:21:07,479 --> 01:21:10,360
Speaker 1: not what they did in the future. So don't then go, oh, well,

1553
01:21:10,360 --> 01:21:12,760
Speaker 1: they didn't even deserve me to be grateful, because they

1554
01:21:12,760 --> 01:21:14,360
Speaker 1: did for that moment of what they did for you.

1555
01:21:14,479 --> 01:21:17,599
Speaker 1: So share it because it's good for you. Don't worry

1556
01:21:17,600 --> 01:21:18,599
Speaker 1: about how they respond.

1557
01:21:19,640 --> 01:21:22,600
Speaker 2: Yeah, And I guess also if they do respond in

1558
01:21:22,600 --> 01:21:26,599
Speaker 2: that way, or if they do think that that's their

1559
01:21:26,600 --> 01:21:30,240
Speaker 2: own issue, right yeah, yeah, compa, that's not your issue,

1560
01:21:30,280 --> 01:21:34,320
Speaker 2: that you've expressed it from your hearts. How they react

1561
01:21:34,560 --> 01:21:36,960
Speaker 2: is kind of out of your control, right, And that's

1562
01:21:37,040 --> 01:21:40,759
Speaker 2: another key learning I think on this path to thinking

1563
01:21:40,840 --> 01:21:43,200
Speaker 2: like a monk, I would guess is you know you're

1564
01:21:43,240 --> 01:21:46,479
Speaker 2: not in control of other people's thoughts, right, not at all?

1565
01:21:46,560 --> 01:21:49,800
Speaker 1: And that's you know, that's the biggest lesson is that

1566
01:21:49,880 --> 01:21:54,960
Speaker 1: you're not in charge of the results, how people respond

1567
01:21:55,439 --> 01:21:58,720
Speaker 1: or what they think. You never are, so wasting your

1568
01:21:58,760 --> 01:22:02,400
Speaker 1: time trying to change how someone thinks of you is

1569
01:22:02,560 --> 01:22:05,679
Speaker 1: can actually be one of the most worthless pursuits in life.

1570
01:22:06,080 --> 01:22:09,599
Speaker 1: But changing how you think about yourself is probably one

1571
01:22:09,600 --> 01:22:12,200
Speaker 1: of the most worthwhile pursuits in life, but the one

1572
01:22:12,240 --> 01:22:15,240
Speaker 1: we spend less time on. We're constantly trying to change

1573
01:22:15,280 --> 01:22:17,680
Speaker 1: how people think about us, and we think if they

1574
01:22:17,680 --> 01:22:20,080
Speaker 1: think highly of us, then we'll feel better about ourselves.

1575
01:22:20,080 --> 01:22:22,800
Speaker 1: But that's not the case. The case is we can

1576
01:22:22,880 --> 01:22:25,640
Speaker 1: change how we feel about ourselves by changing our behavior

1577
01:22:25,960 --> 01:22:28,080
Speaker 1: and being more in aligned with the person we want

1578
01:22:28,080 --> 01:22:30,719
Speaker 1: to be with our values. As Rangan said, going back

1579
01:22:30,760 --> 01:22:34,160
Speaker 1: full circle, So don't get lost in trying to change

1580
01:22:34,200 --> 01:22:37,200
Speaker 1: other people's perceptions of you, because that could be a

1581
01:22:37,280 --> 01:22:40,800
Speaker 1: never ending journey and a journey that you never reach

1582
01:22:40,880 --> 01:22:44,400
Speaker 1: the destination of because you never will truly be able

1583
01:22:44,400 --> 01:22:45,000
Speaker 1: to control it.

1584
01:22:45,080 --> 01:22:48,559
Speaker 2: Yeah, comes full circle. That's that coolly quote, right, I

1585
01:22:48,560 --> 01:22:52,840
Speaker 2: mean that is it is such a powerful quote. Everything

1586
01:22:52,840 --> 01:22:56,080
Speaker 2: we talk about you cann just back it up straight

1587
01:22:56,120 --> 01:22:59,040
Speaker 2: into that and again it brings out that the meaning

1588
01:22:59,080 --> 01:23:01,280
Speaker 2: of that quote so much much more. But Jay, when

1589
01:23:01,320 --> 01:23:03,000
Speaker 2: you were when you were just talking there about the

1590
01:23:03,040 --> 01:23:07,400
Speaker 2: insecurity that some people may feel when you're on express gratitude,

1591
01:23:07,800 --> 01:23:10,559
Speaker 2: I was really I was struck by something I wrote

1592
01:23:10,600 --> 01:23:12,400
Speaker 2: down from your book. And I can't remember which chapter

1593
01:23:12,400 --> 01:23:15,920
Speaker 2: it's sent, but you say it's impossible to build one's

1594
01:23:16,080 --> 01:23:20,120
Speaker 2: own happiness on the unhappiness of others.

1595
01:23:20,439 --> 01:23:25,280
Speaker 1: Yeah, so I'm quoting Daisaku Ikida, who's a Buddhist philosopher

1596
01:23:25,840 --> 01:23:28,800
Speaker 1: who says that statement. I believe, I can't remember which

1597
01:23:29,120 --> 01:23:32,120
Speaker 1: I think I start the Negativity chapter with that quote,

1598
01:23:32,400 --> 01:23:36,439
Speaker 1: So it's dysakui ikeda Buddhist philosopher, and he says exactly

1599
01:23:36,479 --> 01:23:39,280
Speaker 1: that that you can't build your own happiness on the

1600
01:23:39,360 --> 01:23:43,360
Speaker 1: unhappiness of others. And I think what that truly means

1601
01:23:43,479 --> 01:23:47,600
Speaker 1: is we often believe that we can only be superior

1602
01:23:48,479 --> 01:23:53,200
Speaker 1: if someone else is inferior, So we feel better when

1603
01:23:53,240 --> 01:23:55,400
Speaker 1: we say, oh, you know that birst, Did you know

1604
01:23:55,439 --> 01:23:57,920
Speaker 1: that couple was getting a divorce? Did you know the

1605
01:23:58,000 --> 01:24:01,360
Speaker 1: marriage only lasted like two years? And what you're really

1606
01:24:01,400 --> 01:24:04,160
Speaker 1: saying is, well, we've somehow managed to stay together for

1607
01:24:04,200 --> 01:24:06,040
Speaker 1: eight years, Like we've done pretty all right, right, and

1608
01:24:06,080 --> 01:24:08,720
Speaker 1: you're kind of gossiping about them, or another way it

1609
01:24:08,760 --> 01:24:11,000
Speaker 1: goes is like what did you hear about him? He's

1610
01:24:11,120 --> 01:24:13,759
Speaker 1: totally messed it up, like he's getting fired next week.

1611
01:24:14,080 --> 01:24:17,000
Speaker 1: And all you're doing is you're making someone feel inferior

1612
01:24:17,120 --> 01:24:21,080
Speaker 1: to make yourself feel superior. That doesn't create happiness. It

1613
01:24:21,120 --> 01:24:27,800
Speaker 1: creates more uncertain ground because now you're constantly looking for

1614
01:24:27,920 --> 01:24:31,200
Speaker 1: someone else to feel inferior for you to feel superior,

1615
01:24:31,240 --> 01:24:35,479
Speaker 1: and guess what, God forbid, someone's now outperforming you. You're

1616
01:24:35,520 --> 01:24:38,760
Speaker 1: now feeling inferior, and you're feeling all the insecurity of

1617
01:24:38,800 --> 01:24:41,960
Speaker 1: what you felt about someone else. So it's never a

1618
01:24:42,000 --> 01:24:45,360
Speaker 1: stable ground, right, I believe it's in the Bible, but

1619
01:24:45,520 --> 01:24:47,960
Speaker 1: you know you can't. I think it's that you can't

1620
01:24:47,960 --> 01:24:50,679
Speaker 1: build your home on shifting sands. But in the same way,

1621
01:24:50,680 --> 01:24:56,240
Speaker 1: you can't build a stable identity of yourself on the

1622
01:24:56,320 --> 01:24:59,519
Speaker 1: gossip or the mistakes of others. And so you've got

1623
01:24:59,560 --> 01:25:03,520
Speaker 1: to be really careful about not building a ground for yourself.

1624
01:25:03,680 --> 01:25:07,280
Speaker 1: Imagine the ground you're standing on is built on blocks

1625
01:25:07,840 --> 01:25:16,000
Speaker 1: of superiority, bricks of gossip and mud and cement of criticism.

1626
01:25:16,600 --> 01:25:19,599
Speaker 1: That's not going to hold. And so you don't want

1627
01:25:19,680 --> 01:25:22,840
Speaker 1: to create your joy because other people are struggling or suffering.

1628
01:25:23,240 --> 01:25:25,720
Speaker 1: You want to create your joy because you know how

1629
01:25:25,720 --> 01:25:27,679
Speaker 1: to deal with struggle and suffering.

1630
01:25:28,520 --> 01:25:34,360
Speaker 2: Yeah, so beautifully explained. And I think we often write

1631
01:25:34,400 --> 01:25:36,240
Speaker 2: the quotes down that really mean a lot to us,

1632
01:25:36,280 --> 01:25:38,960
Speaker 2: and I certainly feel for me that was something I

1633
01:25:39,000 --> 01:25:42,120
Speaker 2: spent a lot of my adult life, where the trying

1634
01:25:42,120 --> 01:25:44,080
Speaker 2: to come to terms with and realizing, you know, I

1635
01:25:44,160 --> 01:25:47,439
Speaker 2: used to be so competitive, you know, you know, if

1636
01:25:47,439 --> 01:25:50,320
Speaker 2: I want a game of snooker or table tennis or

1637
01:25:50,680 --> 01:25:54,160
Speaker 2: you know, it would it would literally elevate me. And

1638
01:25:54,200 --> 01:25:57,240
Speaker 2: if I lost, man, I would be down in the dumps,

1639
01:25:57,240 --> 01:25:59,680
Speaker 2: like it would. And I've really explored this, and you know,

1640
01:26:00,160 --> 01:26:02,240
Speaker 2: given the time you've got left, I sort of probably

1641
01:26:02,280 --> 01:26:04,840
Speaker 2: can't go down this rabbit hole. But you know, I

1642
01:26:05,439 --> 01:26:10,439
Speaker 2: know one component is that as a kid, you know

1643
01:26:10,920 --> 01:26:13,760
Speaker 2: how I did at school, you know, And again I

1644
01:26:13,800 --> 01:26:15,280
Speaker 2: don't know if this is the same in your household.

1645
01:26:15,360 --> 01:26:17,559
Speaker 2: I know a lot of immigrant families have this sort

1646
01:26:17,600 --> 01:26:20,240
Speaker 2: of mentality. If you you know, if you got ninety

1647
01:26:20,280 --> 01:26:21,680
Speaker 2: eight percent, it's like, well why was it not one

1648
01:26:21,720 --> 01:26:25,040
Speaker 2: hundred percent? Yeah, you know, you were like, well you

1649
01:26:25,080 --> 01:26:28,120
Speaker 2: came second in that tess why what happened? Who was first?

1650
01:26:28,120 --> 01:26:29,040
Speaker 2: Why didn't you come first?

1651
01:26:29,160 --> 01:26:29,400
Speaker 1: Yes?

1652
01:26:29,600 --> 01:26:33,320
Speaker 2: And you know, I actually think whilst I and my

1653
01:26:33,439 --> 01:26:35,639
Speaker 2: mum will say, because I've spoken to her about this recently,

1654
01:26:35,680 --> 01:26:37,439
Speaker 2: she said, well, I knew you were capable, so I

1655
01:26:37,479 --> 01:26:41,040
Speaker 2: wanted you to be the best you could. And okay,

1656
01:26:41,280 --> 01:26:42,840
Speaker 2: and I think she was doing the best she could.

1657
01:26:42,960 --> 01:26:47,080
Speaker 2: I would say for me, the way I interpreted it

1658
01:26:47,240 --> 01:26:50,160
Speaker 2: was that I can only be loved, I can only

1659
01:26:50,200 --> 01:26:56,160
Speaker 2: be feel good about myself when I'm number one, And really,

1660
01:26:56,200 --> 01:26:58,400
Speaker 2: i'd say the last sort of five years, that's pretty

1661
01:26:58,479 --> 01:27:01,240
Speaker 2: much almost gone from me. Now, I've I'm pretty okay

1662
01:27:01,240 --> 01:27:03,639
Speaker 2: with it now, like I don't feel and I think

1663
01:27:03,640 --> 01:27:06,840
Speaker 2: that is. I think it's such an important quote that

1664
01:27:06,880 --> 01:27:11,000
Speaker 2: you've shared because I sort of think now and we

1665
01:27:11,000 --> 01:27:13,439
Speaker 2: should probably talk about social media a bit, because you know,

1666
01:27:13,479 --> 01:27:17,240
Speaker 2: you're pretty much the king of social media in so

1667
01:27:17,360 --> 01:27:20,000
Speaker 2: many ways, and I think I'd love to know some

1668
01:27:20,080 --> 01:27:23,240
Speaker 2: of your thoughts on social media. But with respect to

1669
01:27:23,280 --> 01:27:28,479
Speaker 2: that quote, I think one of the negatives, and there's

1670
01:27:28,560 --> 01:27:30,719
Speaker 2: no doubt been a lot of positives of social media.

1671
01:27:31,680 --> 01:27:34,240
Speaker 2: You know, you have shared such amazing wisdom in your

1672
01:27:34,320 --> 01:27:38,400
Speaker 2: videos to millions of people around the world, which potentially

1673
01:27:38,479 --> 01:27:41,479
Speaker 2: may not have happened without social media, right, So it's

1674
01:27:41,560 --> 01:27:44,439
Speaker 2: not about saying it's either good or bad. But I

1675
01:27:44,479 --> 01:27:48,000
Speaker 2: do think for some people it can magnify those insecurity.

1676
01:27:48,160 --> 01:27:51,000
Speaker 2: So if you feel that you can build your happiness

1677
01:27:52,040 --> 01:27:56,400
Speaker 2: on the unhappiness of others, people can get very focused

1678
01:27:56,479 --> 01:28:00,920
Speaker 2: on follow accounts and likes, And I certainly know in

1679
01:28:00,960 --> 01:28:05,080
Speaker 2: the in the UK medic world there's a lot of

1680
01:28:05,120 --> 01:28:08,000
Speaker 2: medics feel a pressure to be building up their profiles

1681
01:28:08,000 --> 01:28:09,400
Speaker 2: and of contacts and me saying, you know, I'm not

1682
01:28:09,439 --> 01:28:11,719
Speaker 2: sure what to do, and you think, wow, it's causing

1683
01:28:11,840 --> 01:28:16,720
Speaker 2: such discontentment, and it's just a metric that in so

1684
01:28:16,840 --> 01:28:21,519
Speaker 2: many levels. I'm not I'm not gonna say it's meaningless.

1685
01:28:21,520 --> 01:28:25,720
Speaker 2: Of course it's not meaningless, but if you're trying to

1686
01:28:25,840 --> 01:28:29,880
Speaker 2: do it, because how you'll be perceived by others. Going

1687
01:28:29,920 --> 01:28:32,080
Speaker 2: back to what we've been talking about throughout this conversation,

1688
01:28:32,840 --> 01:28:35,200
Speaker 2: what are you posting for? What are you hoping to

1689
01:28:35,280 --> 01:28:37,640
Speaker 2: achieve by posting? Is it in service? Is it to

1690
01:28:37,680 --> 01:28:42,240
Speaker 2: help people or is it to elevate yourself? Yea, you know,

1691
01:28:42,560 --> 01:28:44,240
Speaker 2: I don't know. Maybe you can untangle that as some

1692
01:28:44,920 --> 01:28:46,840
Speaker 2: for us, because I'm sure some people are listening, Will

1693
01:28:46,880 --> 01:28:47,840
Speaker 2: will be thinking.

1694
01:28:47,560 --> 01:28:53,920
Speaker 1: That, yeah, there's there's there's very few creators of content

1695
01:28:53,960 --> 01:28:58,679
Speaker 1: on social media that started out with a follow account

1696
01:28:58,760 --> 01:29:02,679
Speaker 1: in mind. So me included a lot of my peers

1697
01:29:02,760 --> 01:29:04,439
Speaker 1: in this space, a lot of people that I know

1698
01:29:04,520 --> 01:29:08,960
Speaker 1: that are extremely successful on different platforms. None of them started,

1699
01:29:08,960 --> 01:29:10,559
Speaker 1: at least the ones that I know, none of them

1700
01:29:10,640 --> 01:29:14,800
Speaker 1: started to get followers. They all started because they had

1701
01:29:14,840 --> 01:29:17,439
Speaker 1: something to share, whatever that was, whether it was comedy,

1702
01:29:17,520 --> 01:29:20,519
Speaker 1: whether it's wisdom, whether it was a workout plan, a

1703
01:29:20,520 --> 01:29:24,000
Speaker 1: fitness plan, whatever it was like, they had something that

1704
01:29:24,040 --> 01:29:26,080
Speaker 1: they did that they were passionate about they wanted to share.

1705
01:29:26,120 --> 01:29:28,439
Speaker 1: And I can only speak to myself fully, but when

1706
01:29:28,439 --> 01:29:29,880
Speaker 1: I started, I thought I was going to have a

1707
01:29:29,920 --> 01:29:32,120
Speaker 1: full time corporate job and I was going to make

1708
01:29:32,160 --> 01:29:34,839
Speaker 1: videos on the evenings and weekends to share a message.

1709
01:29:34,880 --> 01:29:39,479
Speaker 1: That's genuinely all I believe. And after my first month,

1710
01:29:39,520 --> 01:29:42,559
Speaker 1: I had about a thousand subscribers on YouTube, about four

1711
01:29:42,640 --> 01:29:44,880
Speaker 1: videos I'd made on YouTube had about a thousand people

1712
01:29:44,880 --> 01:29:47,559
Speaker 1: that had subscribed to my channel, and most of my

1713
01:29:47,600 --> 01:29:49,760
Speaker 1: friends were like, great, Jay, that's where it's going to end,

1714
01:29:49,840 --> 01:29:52,280
Speaker 1: Like congrats, well done, You've got a thousand subscribers. You're

1715
01:29:52,320 --> 01:29:54,200
Speaker 1: kind of just crept in there in thirty days, like,

1716
01:29:54,240 --> 01:29:56,280
Speaker 1: well done, that's cool, Like how far is this going

1717
01:29:56,320 --> 01:29:58,760
Speaker 1: to go? And that's really the reality of what it

1718
01:29:58,800 --> 01:30:03,120
Speaker 1: felt like. And the interesting thing is the question was

1719
01:30:03,160 --> 01:30:05,320
Speaker 1: never how do I get more followers? The question was

1720
01:30:05,360 --> 01:30:08,400
Speaker 1: always how do I make more content that impacts people?

1721
01:30:08,800 --> 01:30:11,880
Speaker 1: Because and that's the question with everything. It's like, if

1722
01:30:11,920 --> 01:30:14,800
Speaker 1: you make more content that genuinely impacts people, you get

1723
01:30:14,840 --> 01:30:18,719
Speaker 1: more followers. If you build a business that serves more people,

1724
01:30:18,880 --> 01:30:21,920
Speaker 1: you'll make more money. If you help a lot of

1725
01:30:21,920 --> 01:30:24,679
Speaker 1: people through your talents and gifts, you will be famous

1726
01:30:24,680 --> 01:30:28,080
Speaker 1: and known for it. Like it's a byproduct of doing

1727
01:30:28,120 --> 01:30:30,680
Speaker 1: something properly. And that's why I love the definition that

1728
01:30:31,000 --> 01:30:35,280
Speaker 1: Peter Demandes gives that we should redefine the word billionaire

1729
01:30:35,680 --> 01:30:39,080
Speaker 1: to be someone who impacts the lives of a billion people.

1730
01:30:39,760 --> 01:30:42,679
Speaker 1: Why is Jeff Bezos the richest man in the world

1731
01:30:43,080 --> 01:30:46,280
Speaker 1: because he's created a product that we all say we

1732
01:30:46,439 --> 01:30:49,639
Speaker 1: want and that it solves a problem that we really need.

1733
01:30:50,520 --> 01:30:53,599
Speaker 1: And so if you want to get followers, don't look

1734
01:30:53,640 --> 01:30:56,760
Speaker 1: at the number. Ask yourself, are you really creating the

1735
01:30:56,960 --> 01:31:00,320
Speaker 1: value that's going to help people, and they going to

1736
01:31:00,400 --> 01:31:03,679
Speaker 1: naturally want to follow you, and they're going to want

1737
01:31:03,720 --> 01:31:07,040
Speaker 1: to love your work and share it. Because to me,

1738
01:31:07,320 --> 01:31:11,240
Speaker 1: that's the worthwhile pursuit in life because when you do

1739
01:31:11,320 --> 01:31:15,040
Speaker 1: that work, that work is humbling. When you do that creativity,

1740
01:31:15,439 --> 01:31:17,839
Speaker 1: that's the part that makes you grateful for the success

1741
01:31:17,840 --> 01:31:20,040
Speaker 1: that you get because you go, wow, like people actually

1742
01:31:20,040 --> 01:31:21,920
Speaker 1: care about what I have to say. But if you're

1743
01:31:21,960 --> 01:31:25,439
Speaker 1: just obsessed about numbers and metrics without being obsessed by

1744
01:31:25,439 --> 01:31:30,080
Speaker 1: the content, the creation, and the service, then you'll never

1745
01:31:30,160 --> 01:31:32,800
Speaker 1: be satisfied because there'll always be someone better than you.

1746
01:31:32,880 --> 01:31:34,920
Speaker 1: So for me, when I said I to write this book,

1747
01:31:34,960 --> 01:31:36,680
Speaker 1: so many people are like, oh, so, do you want

1748
01:31:36,680 --> 01:31:38,719
Speaker 1: this book to be a best seller? And I said,

1749
01:31:39,160 --> 01:31:40,439
Speaker 1: I want this book to be a best seller. Of

1750
01:31:40,439 --> 01:31:42,439
Speaker 1: course I do, but I'm not going to focus on

1751
01:31:42,520 --> 01:31:44,280
Speaker 1: it being a best seller. I'm going to focus on

1752
01:31:44,280 --> 01:31:46,360
Speaker 1: writing the best book in the world that I can

1753
01:31:46,400 --> 01:31:49,679
Speaker 1: possibly write given the skills that I have. And that's

1754
01:31:49,680 --> 01:31:52,719
Speaker 1: why when I talk about dharma in the book, which

1755
01:31:52,720 --> 01:31:56,360
Speaker 1: is helping everyone find their purpose, dharma is broken down.

1756
01:31:56,439 --> 01:32:00,400
Speaker 1: Dharma means purpose loosely and has many different mess. But

1757
01:32:00,439 --> 01:32:02,719
Speaker 1: one of them is nature in purpose, your true nature.

1758
01:32:03,479 --> 01:32:06,000
Speaker 1: And the three aspects that I'll share now for the

1759
01:32:06,120 --> 01:32:08,360
Speaker 1: and there's more depth in the book. The three aspects

1760
01:32:08,360 --> 01:32:13,080
Speaker 1: of dharma are your passion, your skills, and your compassion.

1761
01:32:14,160 --> 01:32:16,559
Speaker 1: That's what it means. When you have your passion plus

1762
01:32:16,600 --> 01:32:21,160
Speaker 1: your skills plus your compassion, that equals purpose. But for

1763
01:32:21,200 --> 01:32:23,160
Speaker 1: most of us, if we're just looking at numbers and

1764
01:32:23,280 --> 01:32:26,840
Speaker 1: metrics and data, I mean, you'll be dissatisfied that. And

1765
01:32:27,080 --> 01:32:29,519
Speaker 1: I'm saying that as someone who really values numbers. I

1766
01:32:29,640 --> 01:32:33,160
Speaker 1: understand the value of followers, social media. I get the

1767
01:32:33,240 --> 01:32:35,640
Speaker 1: value of all those things, and I'm highly strategic. But

1768
01:32:35,680 --> 01:32:37,960
Speaker 1: I'll be completely honest with you, I'm not focused on

1769
01:32:38,000 --> 01:32:41,000
Speaker 1: the number. I'm focused on making content. And that's the

1770
01:32:41,040 --> 01:32:43,320
Speaker 1: message that if we're focused on really creating value in

1771
01:32:43,360 --> 01:32:45,839
Speaker 1: the world, all of the other stuff will come naturally.

1772
01:32:46,960 --> 01:32:49,560
Speaker 1: You know, you don't have to go out and separately

1773
01:32:50,120 --> 01:32:52,800
Speaker 1: try and get it. And you know, rang and you've

1774
01:32:52,800 --> 01:32:54,720
Speaker 1: done a great job of this. You've made content that's

1775
01:32:54,880 --> 01:32:58,719
Speaker 1: very organic to you. You've made content that's very natural

1776
01:32:58,760 --> 01:33:01,519
Speaker 1: to you, and and I think that's what people gravitate

1777
01:33:01,560 --> 01:33:03,680
Speaker 1: towards you and your podcast and your books, because it's

1778
01:33:03,720 --> 01:33:06,719
Speaker 1: you being yourself. You're not trying to sound like someone else.

1779
01:33:07,160 --> 01:33:09,840
Speaker 1: You're not trying to be someone else. And if you

1780
01:33:09,840 --> 01:33:11,840
Speaker 1: look at the most successful creators in the world, they're

1781
01:33:11,880 --> 01:33:15,920
Speaker 1: all like that. They've just really shared their raw personality

1782
01:33:15,920 --> 01:33:16,760
Speaker 1: with others.

1783
01:33:17,240 --> 01:33:19,640
Speaker 2: Yeah, I mean, that's just sharing that, Jay, and I

1784
01:33:19,680 --> 01:33:25,200
Speaker 2: will just add to that, as I have stripped away

1785
01:33:25,479 --> 01:33:29,360
Speaker 2: the layers of conditioning from my childhood and the insecurities

1786
01:33:30,280 --> 01:33:33,840
Speaker 2: and frankly used a lot of the tools and you

1787
01:33:33,880 --> 01:33:35,479
Speaker 2: know that are in your book, but there's a lot

1788
01:33:35,479 --> 01:33:37,640
Speaker 2: of new ones in there for me to be to

1789
01:33:37,680 --> 01:33:40,639
Speaker 2: be applying, which I'm really grateful that you've written this book.

1790
01:33:40,640 --> 01:33:44,080
Speaker 2: So I think it is incredible and I will sit

1791
01:33:44,120 --> 01:33:46,640
Speaker 2: with a lot of these as I already am, but

1792
01:33:46,760 --> 01:33:53,160
Speaker 2: as I have become more me and i'm you know

1793
01:33:53,280 --> 01:33:56,479
Speaker 2: I post frankly, you know, I'm like you, Like many people,

1794
01:33:56,520 --> 01:33:59,240
Speaker 2: I'm a busy guy. I've got two young kids. You know,

1795
01:33:59,320 --> 01:34:03,080
Speaker 2: I made it to say that I spending time with

1796
01:34:03,120 --> 01:34:07,759
Speaker 2: my children, spending undistracted time with my family is more

1797
01:34:07,840 --> 01:34:11,439
Speaker 2: important to me than other things. You know, people have

1798
01:34:11,479 --> 01:34:13,679
Speaker 2: heard me say before. I don't tend to let's say

1799
01:34:13,680 --> 01:34:16,439
Speaker 2: instant story that much, or when I'm at home because

1800
01:34:17,040 --> 01:34:19,400
Speaker 2: my kids are around, and for me, it doesn't fit

1801
01:34:19,479 --> 01:34:23,759
Speaker 2: with my values to model to them that every aspect

1802
01:34:23,800 --> 01:34:27,519
Speaker 2: of my life needs to be documented into a screen. Now,

1803
01:34:27,840 --> 01:34:30,880
Speaker 2: that is absolutely not a criticism of people who do

1804
01:34:30,880 --> 01:34:34,080
Speaker 2: do that. It genuinely isn't. It's just not the way

1805
01:34:34,640 --> 01:34:39,160
Speaker 2: I choose to do things. But really, what I was

1806
01:34:39,240 --> 01:34:41,400
Speaker 2: trying to say is that I think what you said

1807
01:34:41,400 --> 01:34:45,960
Speaker 2: about your focus on making content that changes people's lives,

1808
01:34:46,120 --> 01:34:48,000
Speaker 2: and of course some people are going to share it

1809
01:34:48,040 --> 01:34:51,280
Speaker 2: because you're giving people something of value. And I found

1810
01:34:51,320 --> 01:34:54,840
Speaker 2: not only particularly with this podcast, which is probably the

1811
01:34:54,880 --> 01:34:56,920
Speaker 2: favorite thing of all the things that I do now,

1812
01:34:57,640 --> 01:34:59,320
Speaker 2: because I get to be myself. I get to talk

1813
01:34:59,360 --> 01:35:02,080
Speaker 2: with amazing people like you. We get to have honest

1814
01:35:02,400 --> 01:35:07,599
Speaker 2: conversations that really, you know, often there's no real agenda,

1815
01:35:07,680 --> 01:35:11,200
Speaker 2: that's just about trying to share your insight, my insight,

1816
01:35:11,760 --> 01:35:14,240
Speaker 2: just have these sort of conversations and I and I

1817
01:35:14,280 --> 01:35:17,879
Speaker 2: feel I have become a happier and more content person

1818
01:35:18,760 --> 01:35:21,360
Speaker 2: since I started doing my podcast because it's helped me

1819
01:35:21,439 --> 01:35:24,840
Speaker 2: be myself. It's exhausting trying to be someone else. It's

1820
01:35:25,040 --> 01:35:26,640
Speaker 2: do you know what I mean, it's tiring trying to

1821
01:35:26,640 --> 01:35:28,400
Speaker 2: be someone else. And going back to what you said

1822
01:35:28,439 --> 01:35:30,639
Speaker 2: at the start, if people are trying to spend their

1823
01:35:30,680 --> 01:35:35,360
Speaker 2: lives living someone else's life, it's knackering.

1824
01:35:35,680 --> 01:35:39,360
Speaker 1: It's so tiring, it's so tiring. It's it's it's I

1825
01:35:39,400 --> 01:35:43,000
Speaker 1: think you know, I'm sure it's been stated before around

1826
01:35:43,040 --> 01:35:47,960
Speaker 1: how it's it's so hard trying to act like someone

1827
01:35:47,960 --> 01:35:52,040
Speaker 1: else in so much easier, it's less effort being yourself. Yeah,

1828
01:35:52,360 --> 01:35:56,559
Speaker 1: but that's what you said, that our childhood had made

1829
01:35:56,600 --> 01:36:00,439
Speaker 1: has made us believe we're not enough, and so we

1830
01:36:00,520 --> 01:36:04,240
Speaker 1: think we have to be what's rewarded in society. And

1831
01:36:04,320 --> 01:36:07,320
Speaker 1: actually we're now living at a time where what's being

1832
01:36:07,360 --> 01:36:10,920
Speaker 1: rewarded in society as being yourself and and you know,

1833
01:36:11,040 --> 01:36:13,839
Speaker 1: and that authenticity, And you're right, it's it's not about

1834
01:36:14,240 --> 01:36:17,360
Speaker 1: whether someone's posting thirty stories a day or not. It's

1835
01:36:17,600 --> 01:36:19,800
Speaker 1: that's not what it's about. It's about is that authentically

1836
01:36:19,840 --> 01:36:22,559
Speaker 1: the life they want to live. That's the question. The

1837
01:36:22,640 --> 01:36:25,120
Speaker 1: question isn't do you make videos or have a podcast

1838
01:36:25,240 --> 01:36:27,960
Speaker 1: or have millions of followers. The question is that authentic

1839
01:36:28,040 --> 01:36:31,120
Speaker 1: to who you are and what you're really trying to

1840
01:36:31,160 --> 01:36:32,680
Speaker 1: do in the world, because by the way, I know

1841
01:36:32,720 --> 01:36:36,760
Speaker 1: people who've impacted the world who have zero followers. Yeah, right,

1842
01:36:36,840 --> 01:36:38,920
Speaker 1: like I know people who've impacted the world who have

1843
01:36:39,080 --> 01:36:42,000
Speaker 1: no videos or content. That's not the only way to

1844
01:36:42,040 --> 01:36:44,280
Speaker 1: impact the world. That is a way to impact the world,

1845
01:36:44,280 --> 01:36:46,320
Speaker 1: and that's a way that I had to pursue, and

1846
01:36:46,360 --> 01:36:48,760
Speaker 1: Rungan's pursued in a different way in his life. And

1847
01:36:48,800 --> 01:36:50,559
Speaker 1: if you look at Rungin's journey and my journey, we're

1848
01:36:50,560 --> 01:36:53,920
Speaker 1: doing it in different ways. There's no sameness in how

1849
01:36:53,960 --> 01:36:57,000
Speaker 1: it's being done because everyone has that. So don't limit

1850
01:36:57,080 --> 01:37:00,600
Speaker 1: yourself to believe there's only one way to getting to

1851
01:37:00,680 --> 01:37:03,280
Speaker 1: where you want to go. There are multiple parts, and

1852
01:37:03,360 --> 01:37:05,439
Speaker 1: you probably have to test an experiment and take a

1853
01:37:05,520 --> 01:37:09,160
Speaker 1: few of them to see which one actually comes to fruition.

1854
01:37:09,520 --> 01:37:13,080
Speaker 1: And I took many parts. I tried so many things

1855
01:37:13,120 --> 01:37:15,400
Speaker 1: before I tried social media that social media was the

1856
01:37:15,439 --> 01:37:18,960
Speaker 1: only option I had left. And so for me, social

1857
01:37:19,040 --> 01:37:21,559
Speaker 1: media wasn't even my first choice. Social media was my

1858
01:37:21,760 --> 01:37:24,479
Speaker 1: last choice of how to work. But I was getting

1859
01:37:24,520 --> 01:37:27,719
Speaker 1: no breakthroughs from media companies and media execs and content

1860
01:37:27,720 --> 01:37:30,639
Speaker 1: platform I just I got no love from it all.

1861
01:37:30,800 --> 01:37:32,639
Speaker 1: So I had to turn to social media.

1862
01:37:33,520 --> 01:37:36,960
Speaker 2: Wow, just so powerful, so incredible, Jay, I mean, Jay,

1863
01:37:36,960 --> 01:37:39,880
Speaker 2: look that I was. I had so many things to

1864
01:37:39,920 --> 01:37:44,040
Speaker 2: talk to you about relationships and about service and about

1865
01:37:44,280 --> 01:37:46,800
Speaker 2: you know, the four c's of friendship, you know which,

1866
01:37:46,920 --> 01:37:49,640
Speaker 2: which again is expanding a vocabulary for people to be

1867
01:37:49,640 --> 01:37:53,200
Speaker 2: able to understand their lives, butter understand their friends better,

1868
01:37:53,280 --> 01:37:56,200
Speaker 2: get less for stray seat. But Jay, this podcast is

1869
01:37:56,240 --> 01:38:01,360
Speaker 2: called Feel Better, Live More, and that's because when we

1870
01:38:01,439 --> 01:38:05,800
Speaker 2: feel better in ourselves, we get more out of our life. Now,

1871
01:38:05,840 --> 01:38:09,920
Speaker 2: you shared some wonderful insights and practical tips of people

1872
01:38:09,960 --> 01:38:13,320
Speaker 2: in the show today. I'd always like to leave people

1873
01:38:14,040 --> 01:38:17,120
Speaker 2: with a few practical things that they can think about

1874
01:38:17,280 --> 01:38:22,080
Speaker 2: introducing into their life immediately to change the quality of

1875
01:38:22,080 --> 01:38:24,920
Speaker 2: the lives, to change the way they feel. You have

1876
01:38:25,120 --> 01:38:28,360
Speaker 2: so many tips, it's a tricky question, but do you

1877
01:38:28,400 --> 01:38:31,960
Speaker 2: have three or four sort of closing tips words of

1878
01:38:32,000 --> 01:38:35,560
Speaker 2: wisdom for people to really start changing things immediately.

1879
01:38:35,800 --> 01:38:38,759
Speaker 1: So they called the three s's, the sites, the sense,

1880
01:38:38,960 --> 01:38:41,519
Speaker 1: and the sound. So what we see, what we hear,

1881
01:38:41,600 --> 01:38:44,760
Speaker 1: and what we smell has a huge impact on how

1882
01:38:44,800 --> 01:38:49,240
Speaker 1: we feel. And we actually underestimate our senses because we

1883
01:38:49,400 --> 01:38:52,879
Speaker 1: rely so much on our eyes. I'll give you an example.

1884
01:38:53,360 --> 01:38:56,280
Speaker 1: Everyone's been wearing masked through through right, Like everyone's been

1885
01:38:56,280 --> 01:38:59,560
Speaker 1: wearing a mask recently. How many of you struggle to

1886
01:38:59,680 --> 01:39:02,760
Speaker 1: understand what people are saying because you can't read their

1887
01:39:02,800 --> 01:39:06,000
Speaker 1: looks anymore? Yeah, right. We're so used to looking at

1888
01:39:06,000 --> 01:39:08,200
Speaker 1: people's lips as they talk that we know what words

1889
01:39:08,240 --> 01:39:10,559
Speaker 1: they're saying. Now that we can't see their lips, we

1890
01:39:10,680 --> 01:39:13,760
Speaker 1: realize we're actually not that great listeners, and our ears

1891
01:39:13,800 --> 01:39:15,559
Speaker 1: are almost to sleep, so we rely so much on

1892
01:39:15,600 --> 01:39:16,960
Speaker 1: our eyes. So let me explain to you what you

1893
01:39:17,000 --> 01:39:21,639
Speaker 1: can change. Let's talk about sites what you see. Ask

1894
01:39:21,680 --> 01:39:25,360
Speaker 1: yourself right now, what's the first thing you see in

1895
01:39:25,360 --> 01:39:29,280
Speaker 1: the morning. What's the first thing? Eighty percent of people

1896
01:39:29,320 --> 01:39:31,640
Speaker 1: they see their phone first thing in the morning and

1897
01:39:31,800 --> 01:39:35,160
Speaker 1: lasting in the night, after they see their partner and

1898
01:39:35,200 --> 01:39:37,840
Speaker 1: before they see them in the morning. Eighty percent of

1899
01:39:37,920 --> 01:39:41,080
Speaker 1: us change it. I want you to see something in

1900
01:39:41,120 --> 01:39:43,600
Speaker 1: the morning that fills you with joy. It could be

1901
01:39:43,640 --> 01:39:46,840
Speaker 1: your favorite quote, It could be your favorite teaching It

1902
01:39:46,880 --> 01:39:49,320
Speaker 1: could be a picture that your kids drew that you

1903
01:39:49,360 --> 01:39:52,160
Speaker 1: absolutely love. It could be a photo of your family.

1904
01:39:52,360 --> 01:39:54,200
Speaker 1: It could be a work of art that inspires you.

1905
01:39:54,240 --> 01:39:57,160
Speaker 1: I surround myself in my studio with pictures of places

1906
01:39:57,200 --> 01:40:00,439
Speaker 1: I've lived, people that I'm inspired by, stories that I've told,

1907
01:40:00,439 --> 01:40:04,120
Speaker 1: because it fills my mind with energy when I walk

1908
01:40:04,160 --> 01:40:06,639
Speaker 1: into this room. If I walked in and saw a blank,

1909
01:40:06,680 --> 01:40:09,280
Speaker 1: white wall, of course I'm gonna go this is way

1910
01:40:09,320 --> 01:40:12,400
Speaker 1: more interesting. But my wall's more interesting than this to

1911
01:40:12,479 --> 01:40:15,559
Speaker 1: me because it's meaningful. And so the first thing you

1912
01:40:15,600 --> 01:40:17,840
Speaker 1: see in the morning, don't make it something reactive, don't

1913
01:40:17,880 --> 01:40:20,200
Speaker 1: make it a message or an email. Make it something

1914
01:40:20,240 --> 01:40:22,840
Speaker 1: that you've chosen to inspire you. That's the first thing.

1915
01:40:23,600 --> 01:40:27,800
Speaker 1: The second thing is the sense in your life. Why

1916
01:40:27,920 --> 01:40:30,920
Speaker 1: is it that when you walk into a spa or

1917
01:40:30,920 --> 01:40:34,200
Speaker 1: you get a massage you feel relaxed. It's because they

1918
01:40:34,240 --> 01:40:37,840
Speaker 1: have sandal wood, lavender, and eucalyptus just spraying out of

1919
01:40:37,880 --> 01:40:42,800
Speaker 1: diffuses and candles, and it's an instant way of feeling calm.

1920
01:40:42,880 --> 01:40:46,080
Speaker 1: If you just inhale on your inward breath for a

1921
01:40:46,160 --> 01:40:48,640
Speaker 1: count of four and excel for account of four. If

1922
01:40:48,680 --> 01:40:52,519
Speaker 1: you just inhale eucalyptus, lavender, sandalward, whatever scent you like

1923
01:40:52,800 --> 01:40:55,720
Speaker 1: from a diffuse or a candle, you will feel a

1924
01:40:55,880 --> 01:40:58,720
Speaker 1: natural sense of calm in your life. And feel that

1925
01:40:59,000 --> 01:41:02,160
Speaker 1: clarity that you need to drop out of that anxious

1926
01:41:02,200 --> 01:41:04,559
Speaker 1: feeling you may have. And you can have a different

1927
01:41:04,640 --> 01:41:07,000
Speaker 1: scent in your living room, a different scent in your bedroom,

1928
01:41:07,000 --> 01:41:09,519
Speaker 1: a different sent in your kitchen, one that feels right

1929
01:41:09,560 --> 01:41:12,320
Speaker 1: for the energy you want in that room. And the

1930
01:41:12,360 --> 01:41:15,920
Speaker 1: third and final one is sound. So many of us

1931
01:41:15,960 --> 01:41:19,439
Speaker 1: don't realize the power of sound. But whether you're listening

1932
01:41:19,479 --> 01:41:22,559
Speaker 1: to your favorite song or whether you listen to nature sounds.

1933
01:41:22,560 --> 01:41:25,200
Speaker 1: When we were monks, we would rise to nature sounds,

1934
01:41:25,560 --> 01:41:27,519
Speaker 1: and we found that the sound of nature is so

1935
01:41:27,640 --> 01:41:30,040
Speaker 1: at pace with the body and the mind. And when

1936
01:41:30,080 --> 01:41:32,960
Speaker 1: I lived in New York, I'd often feel exhausted mentally,

1937
01:41:33,560 --> 01:41:36,559
Speaker 1: and I wonder why I exercise, I meditate, why is

1938
01:41:36,560 --> 01:41:39,280
Speaker 1: it that I feel that way? And I realized because

1939
01:41:39,439 --> 01:41:42,760
Speaker 1: it's of something when I researched called cognitive load. Your

1940
01:41:42,800 --> 01:41:48,479
Speaker 1: brain is making sense of insignificant sounds of drilling, of construction, work,

1941
01:41:48,800 --> 01:41:52,160
Speaker 1: of cars and taxis and horns, and so your brain

1942
01:41:52,200 --> 01:41:54,519
Speaker 1: doesn't have the power to deal with what's actually it's

1943
01:41:54,560 --> 01:41:57,360
Speaker 1: trying to focus on. So ask yourself, what are the

1944
01:41:57,439 --> 01:41:59,799
Speaker 1: sounds in the background of your life? Are they songs

1945
01:41:59,800 --> 01:42:01,880
Speaker 1: that bring you to life. Are they music that calm

1946
01:42:01,960 --> 01:42:05,160
Speaker 1: you down before you go to bed? Use sites, sense

1947
01:42:05,280 --> 01:42:09,719
Speaker 1: and sounds to change the state and energy of any

1948
01:42:09,800 --> 01:42:12,360
Speaker 1: environment in your home. And if you literally walked into

1949
01:42:12,439 --> 01:42:14,840
Speaker 1: every room in your house and you said, what is

1950
01:42:14,880 --> 01:42:17,519
Speaker 1: the site that inspires me in this room? What is

1951
01:42:17,560 --> 01:42:19,960
Speaker 1: the scent that calms me in this room? And what

1952
01:42:20,040 --> 01:42:22,400
Speaker 1: is the sound that makes me feel like ease in

1953
01:42:22,439 --> 01:42:25,320
Speaker 1: this room? And you sound design, site design and scent

1954
01:42:25,560 --> 01:42:29,400
Speaker 1: design each of your rooms. We're just a candle, a picture,

1955
01:42:30,160 --> 01:42:36,000
Speaker 1: and a playlist. You'll transform the way you feel starting today.

1956
01:42:36,160 --> 01:42:42,160
Speaker 2: Yeah, just brilliant tips. Jay really really great and man

1957
01:42:42,280 --> 01:42:44,760
Speaker 2: makes me think about my own morning. And yeah, that

1958
01:42:44,960 --> 01:42:47,559
Speaker 2: even sense. I like that. That is something I hadn't

1959
01:42:47,600 --> 01:42:50,000
Speaker 2: really thought about Otherwise. I often do come into the

1960
01:42:50,040 --> 01:42:54,240
Speaker 2: garden and sort of first thing. But I could come

1961
01:42:54,280 --> 01:42:57,840
Speaker 2: in and really pay attention to what I'm smelling rather

1962
01:42:57,880 --> 01:43:01,120
Speaker 2: than just being in nature. I could all say, smell something,

1963
01:43:02,760 --> 01:43:05,920
Speaker 2: So I'll do that tomorrow morning. You might you might

1964
01:43:05,960 --> 01:43:07,880
Speaker 2: even get another voice gratitude.

1965
01:43:08,800 --> 01:43:09,240
Speaker 1: I love it.

1966
01:43:09,240 --> 01:43:13,520
Speaker 2: But in the spirit of what you said before of gratitude,

1967
01:43:13,720 --> 01:43:17,240
Speaker 2: I really I do want to say that what you

1968
01:43:17,360 --> 01:43:21,000
Speaker 2: have done by living your life, by going on your

1969
01:43:21,080 --> 01:43:26,840
Speaker 2: journey is impact the lives of millions of people around

1970
01:43:26,880 --> 01:43:29,640
Speaker 2: the world, and I think you're continuing that path with

1971
01:43:29,720 --> 01:43:32,519
Speaker 2: this wonderful book that I really do hope is a

1972
01:43:32,520 --> 01:43:36,000
Speaker 2: bestseller all around the world because I think it's jam

1973
01:43:36,080 --> 01:43:38,519
Speaker 2: packed for the wisdom and I just want to acknowledge

1974
01:43:38,520 --> 01:43:40,960
Speaker 2: you for that, say thank you, thank you for giving

1975
01:43:41,040 --> 01:43:44,880
Speaker 2: up some of your precious times today we meet the

1976
01:43:44,960 --> 01:43:46,960
Speaker 2: listeners have loved having you off for your to live

1977
01:43:47,000 --> 01:43:49,640
Speaker 2: more and of looking forward to the next time, and.

1978
01:43:49,640 --> 01:43:51,320
Speaker 1: Thank you so much. I want to be grateful to

1979
01:43:51,400 --> 01:43:54,599
Speaker 1: you too, because you know when I got that message

1980
01:43:54,680 --> 01:43:57,000
Speaker 1: and you've and I can tell obviously in this interview

1981
01:43:57,000 --> 01:43:59,360
Speaker 1: who spend so much time with the book. It means

1982
01:43:59,360 --> 01:44:02,160
Speaker 1: a lot to me. And there's no greater feeling of

1983
01:44:02,200 --> 01:44:05,920
Speaker 1: satisfaction as a creator than when what you create is

1984
01:44:06,400 --> 01:44:09,639
Speaker 1: consumed and used and practiced. And you know there's nothing

1985
01:44:09,680 --> 01:44:12,559
Speaker 1: better than that. And so you know, you've given me

1986
01:44:12,560 --> 01:44:15,240
Speaker 1: a real gift today, and I'm so grateful that you've

1987
01:44:15,240 --> 01:44:17,760
Speaker 1: shared this with your audience and your community. And I

1988
01:44:17,760 --> 01:44:19,879
Speaker 1: can't wait to do lots more together. Man, I'm excited.

1989
01:44:19,880 --> 01:44:21,880
Speaker 1: I genuinely am, like I really look forward to it.

1990
01:44:21,880 --> 01:44:25,160
Speaker 1: Because yeah, this, this was such a joy and such

1991
01:44:25,160 --> 01:44:27,120
Speaker 1: a treat, and this was my first thing of the day.

1992
01:44:27,160 --> 01:44:29,200
Speaker 1: So I'm glad I got to glad I got to

1993
01:44:29,200 --> 01:44:30,599
Speaker 1: do this with you. Thank you so much.

1994
01:44:31,520 --> 01:44:32,080
Speaker 2: Thanks Jay.

1995
01:44:32,200 --> 01:44:45,960
Speaker 1: Yeah, thank you Anne. You're here right now listening to this.

1996
01:44:47,400 --> 01:44:51,160
Speaker 1: There's something beautiful about that, because no matter what you've

1997
01:44:51,200 --> 01:44:54,920
Speaker 1: experienced in your life, you've made it to this moment,

1998
01:44:56,080 --> 01:45:01,160
Speaker 1: and that, on its own is an accomplishment. The next

1999
01:45:01,200 --> 01:45:06,280
Speaker 1: seven minutes are about acknowledging the person most responsible for

2000
01:45:06,320 --> 01:45:07,080
Speaker 1: getting you here.

2001
01:45:08,360 --> 01:45:08,439
Speaker 2: You.

2002
01:45:09,880 --> 01:45:15,080
Speaker 1: I'm j Sheddy. Welcome to the Daily Jay. Let's start

2003
01:45:15,120 --> 01:45:20,759
Speaker 1: as usual with three deep breaths to get centered, breathing

2004
01:45:20,800 --> 01:45:32,120
Speaker 1: in and breathing out, feeling your body rise and letting

2005
01:45:32,160 --> 01:45:43,360
Speaker 1: it fall. One more and on we go. I've talked

2006
01:45:43,400 --> 01:45:46,799
Speaker 1: before about how much I love sending thank you notes.

2007
01:45:47,439 --> 01:45:52,719
Speaker 1: They're a powerful expression of gratitude, equally impactful for both

2008
01:45:52,760 --> 01:45:57,000
Speaker 1: the giver and the receiver. But in writing our thank

2009
01:45:57,040 --> 01:46:00,920
Speaker 1: you notes, there may be one important person we've been

2010
01:46:01,000 --> 01:46:06,720
Speaker 1: leaving out. Researchers recruited more than eleven hundred study participants

2011
01:46:07,120 --> 01:46:11,360
Speaker 1: and had them write one of three letters. One group

2012
01:46:11,400 --> 01:46:15,160
Speaker 1: wrote a thank you letter to someone who'd done something

2013
01:46:15,280 --> 01:46:20,720
Speaker 1: for them. Another group wrote a letter describing something positive

2014
01:46:21,200 --> 01:46:25,559
Speaker 1: that had happened to them, and the third group was

2015
01:46:25,640 --> 01:46:31,919
Speaker 1: instructed to address their letter dear passed me and express

2016
01:46:32,040 --> 01:46:37,320
Speaker 1: gratitude for something they had done for themselves. The traditional

2017
01:46:37,400 --> 01:46:41,639
Speaker 1: thank you notes and the letters describing something positive were

2018
01:46:41,680 --> 01:46:46,040
Speaker 1: all great and filled people with happy vibes, But the

2019
01:46:46,160 --> 01:46:51,160
Speaker 1: researchers noticed something interesting about the third set of letters.

2020
01:46:51,960 --> 01:46:55,519
Speaker 1: When people wrote to their past selves, they tended to

2021
01:46:55,560 --> 01:47:00,439
Speaker 1: focus on a difficult experience and thanked them solve elves

2022
01:47:00,800 --> 01:47:06,080
Speaker 1: for persevering through a tough time. The word brave came

2023
01:47:06,160 --> 01:47:11,680
Speaker 1: up frequently. Lead researcher Matt Baldwin says that thank me

2024
01:47:11,800 --> 01:47:15,240
Speaker 1: letters seem to bring us closer to a sense of

2025
01:47:15,280 --> 01:47:19,519
Speaker 1: who we really are by underscoring the good qualities we've

2026
01:47:19,560 --> 01:47:23,800
Speaker 1: shown over our lifetime, and they remind us how we've

2027
01:47:23,840 --> 01:47:30,640
Speaker 1: already demonstrated to ourselves that we can overcome challenges and obstacles.

2028
01:47:32,000 --> 01:47:36,480
Speaker 1: Once we recognize that we've done it, before we realize

2029
01:47:36,920 --> 01:47:40,160
Speaker 1: we can do it again. We tend to think of

2030
01:47:40,240 --> 01:47:46,639
Speaker 1: gratitude as an external practice. We direct our appreciation towards others,

2031
01:47:47,080 --> 01:47:51,800
Speaker 1: to our spouse, our dog, our favorite podcaster. We might

2032
01:47:51,840 --> 01:47:55,240
Speaker 1: even give thanks to the sun for shining, or to

2033
01:47:55,320 --> 01:47:59,800
Speaker 1: our car for being so reliable, and that's great. It's

2034
01:48:00,040 --> 01:48:05,639
Speaker 1: wonderful to acknowledge others, but don't forget yourself, because you're

2035
01:48:05,760 --> 01:48:10,960
Speaker 1: the person most deserving of your thanks. We're often quick

2036
01:48:11,000 --> 01:48:14,600
Speaker 1: to be harsh with ourselves and slow to show compassion

2037
01:48:15,040 --> 01:48:20,880
Speaker 1: and kindness. Conscious self gratitude helps with that. I know

2038
01:48:21,000 --> 01:48:25,920
Speaker 1: that life's journey isn't always pretty. Sometimes we encounter challenges

2039
01:48:26,000 --> 01:48:31,080
Speaker 1: that we're convinced are insurmountable. Maybe you're even experiencing a

2040
01:48:31,120 --> 01:48:36,040
Speaker 1: situation like that now. If so, there's no better time

2041
01:48:36,400 --> 01:48:40,600
Speaker 1: to reach out to your past self, recall and acknowledge

2042
01:48:40,640 --> 01:48:45,680
Speaker 1: your fortitude, your creativity, or your ability to hang in

2043
01:48:45,720 --> 01:48:49,280
Speaker 1: there and get to that next day, that next hour,

2044
01:48:49,960 --> 01:48:54,439
Speaker 1: even that next minute. Every single one of us is

2045
01:48:54,479 --> 01:48:59,880
Speaker 1: so much more powerful, capable, and resilient than we often believe.

2046
01:49:01,000 --> 01:49:04,360
Speaker 1: So every once in a while, stop and thank yourself

2047
01:49:04,920 --> 01:49:08,479
Speaker 1: for all the ways large or small that you've showed

2048
01:49:08,560 --> 01:49:11,800
Speaker 1: up for yourself in the past, and continue to do

2049
01:49:11,880 --> 01:49:17,400
Speaker 1: so each day. With that in mind, let's practice a

2050
01:49:17,479 --> 01:49:21,760
Speaker 1: gratitude based body scan. We're going to check in with

2051
01:49:21,840 --> 01:49:26,879
Speaker 1: ourselves part by part while saying thanks to our body

2052
01:49:27,439 --> 01:49:31,439
Speaker 1: for supporting us throughout the day. And if any piece

2053
01:49:31,479 --> 01:49:35,439
Speaker 1: of this practice doesn't feel right for you or your body,

2054
01:49:36,080 --> 01:49:40,519
Speaker 1: go ahead and modify it to best suit you. First,

2055
01:49:40,640 --> 01:49:46,080
Speaker 1: bring your attention to your eyes, closing them if you'd like,

2056
01:49:47,720 --> 01:49:57,240
Speaker 1: and observing how they feel. Maybe tired, may be alert,

2057
01:49:57,840 --> 01:50:03,800
Speaker 1: It's okay if you don't observe anything at all. Say

2058
01:50:03,840 --> 01:50:09,559
Speaker 1: a quiet thank you for all your eyes do to

2059
01:50:09,640 --> 01:50:15,919
Speaker 1: help you move through the world. Now, shift your attention

2060
01:50:16,920 --> 01:50:22,599
Speaker 1: to your ears, noticing any sounds that may be present,

2061
01:50:25,720 --> 01:50:35,680
Speaker 1: express gratitude for this moment and all others. Moving your

2062
01:50:35,720 --> 01:50:46,040
Speaker 1: awareness to your jaw and consciously letting it relax. Our

2063
01:50:46,200 --> 01:50:51,680
Speaker 1: jaw does a lot every day, but how often do

2064
01:50:51,760 --> 01:50:59,920
Speaker 1: we acknowledge it. For the next few moments, I want

2065
01:51:00,080 --> 01:51:03,759
Speaker 1: to give you the space to decide which body parts

2066
01:51:04,520 --> 01:51:11,559
Speaker 1: to scan and thank maybe the lungs for breathing, the

2067
01:51:11,680 --> 01:51:19,599
Speaker 1: heart for beating, the hands for working so hard. Totally

2068
01:51:19,640 --> 01:51:31,559
Speaker 1: your call, and now let's open this up. With our

2069
01:51:31,600 --> 01:51:35,080
Speaker 1: time remaining, I want you to think about how you

2070
01:51:35,120 --> 01:51:40,439
Speaker 1: would start your thank me note. Begin with dear past me,

2071
01:51:41,640 --> 01:51:46,880
Speaker 1: and express gratitude for something anything you've done for yourself.

2072
01:51:54,439 --> 01:51:58,400
Speaker 1: Your homework is to finish your letter today, and i'd

2073
01:51:58,479 --> 01:52:03,360
Speaker 1: encourage you to put it on paper. Remember you are

2074
01:52:03,400 --> 01:52:09,640
Speaker 1: deserving of gratitude from yourself. I should also say that

2075
01:52:09,840 --> 01:52:13,160
Speaker 1: I'm grateful for you and I look forward to seeing

2076
01:52:13,200 --> 01:52:13,759
Speaker 1: you tomorrow