Speaker 1: You're listening to Comedy Central.
Speaker 2: From New York City, the only city in America.
Speaker 3: It's the shows in distent news.
Speaker 2: This He's the Daily Show with your hosts. See Jesus's
Speaker 2: Nice Day.
Speaker 3: Yeah all day. Welcome to the Daily Shows. I am
Speaker 3: Jesus Nice. Can I get in your yo.
Speaker 4: We've got a great show for you tonight. I'm super
Speaker 4: excited a little for this show, but mostly because tonight
Speaker 4: is the greatest team in Basketball's opening the New York Knicks.
Speaker 3: Now win or lose.
Speaker 4: I will be on the street outside of the MSG streaming.
Speaker 4: So if I don't have a voice tomorrow, you know why.
Speaker 4: But I do have a voice now. So let's get
Speaker 4: into some headlines. Let's kick things off with big news
Speaker 4: about the speaker race in Congress. After spending three weeks
Speaker 4: on the dating scene, Republicans are finally swiping.
Speaker 3: Right now far right breaking news out of Washington.
Speaker 5: House lawmakers finally elected the next Speaker of the House.
Speaker 6: After twenty two days, fourteen candidates and four nominees, House
Speaker 6: Republicans united to elect Congressman Mike Johnson of Louisiana the
Speaker 6: new Speaker of the House.
Speaker 7: Republicans finally named conservative Congressman Mike Johnson, and it's about time.
Speaker 3: That's right.
Speaker 4: America's new Speaker of the House is some dude named
Speaker 4: Mike Johnson.
Speaker 3: I'll be be honest.
Speaker 4: That sounds like the name you give a hotel when
Speaker 4: you're checking in after having an affair. Hey, my name
Speaker 4: is au Mike Johnson. He went rooms by the hour. Now,
Speaker 4: if you don't know Mike Johnson, don't worry. Nobody else does.
Speaker 4: But what we do know is that he wants nationwide
Speaker 4: limits on abortion, he wants the criminalized gay sex, and
Speaker 4: he even wants to ban reggae thoon.
Speaker 3: All right, I'm lying on.
Speaker 4: The last one, but that seems like this vibe because
Speaker 4: it comes off as a dick. And the one other
Speaker 4: thing people know about this dude, he was one of
Speaker 4: the main guys trying to steal the election for Donald Trump.
Speaker 4: But apparently he doesn't want to talk about that anymore.
Speaker 8: Johnson is a stuns Trump ally who recruited Republicans to
Speaker 8: sign on to efforts to overturn the twenty twenty election.
Speaker 8: I asked him, if he stands by that vote, can
Speaker 8: you help me to overturn the election?
Speaker 9: Talking?
Speaker 4: All right, someone can get their nana. So at first,
Speaker 4: when I saw that reaction, I was like, damn, that
Speaker 4: was a lot. But then I learned the reporter who
Speaker 4: asked the question was black.
Speaker 3: That in order to make a little more.
Speaker 4: Sense, especially when I found out the shut up lady
Speaker 4: is named Virginia and she represents North Carolina.
Speaker 3: That's a lot of Southern heritage right there.
Speaker 4: I bet you she was born in some small town
Speaker 4: named Plantationville or something.
Speaker 3: Where was she born? Oh shit? Oh?
Speaker 4: She from the BX wow BX D wait yo, I
Speaker 4: remember yoo. She umsed to be on the block. That's
Speaker 4: Jenny for one four nine yo.
Speaker 3: We went to high school together. She got old as shit.
Speaker 4: Oh man, I'll see you at the reunion though. All right,
Speaker 4: enough enough, let's move on to a story about one
Speaker 4: restaurant that's finally had it with you and you allowed
Speaker 4: ass kids.
Speaker 2: The restaurant charging customers a new fee.
Speaker 6: It's a bad parenting fee. The menu at a restaurant
Speaker 6: in Georgia lists a surcharge for adults quote unable to
Speaker 6: parent night. One customer whos charged fifty dollars for their kids' behavior.
Speaker 3: Critics for the policies.
Speaker 6: Say children are unpredictable, but supporters say it keeps parents
Speaker 6: in check.
Speaker 4: I don't understand why this is necessary. We already have
Speaker 4: restaurants where you can go and there's no kids there.
Speaker 3: It's called strip clubs. No, I'm for real. Check out
Speaker 3: Pumps and Bushwick. They got the best worn sushi in
Speaker 3: New York City of all real sushio boys out there.
Speaker 4: But if they are going to do this, they should
Speaker 4: charge you waste on what your kid did.
Speaker 3: Is your kid throwing French fries? Ten bucks?
Speaker 4: Is your kid putting their mouth on a catchup bottle
Speaker 4: like is their mama's kitty?
Speaker 3: Twenty? Your kid not really doing.
Speaker 10: Anything, but he just keeps staring at my table like
Speaker 10: a creepy ghost.
Speaker 4: Fifty bucks? So I fully support this. It's almost as
Speaker 4: good as my idea to keep kids in line. This
Speaker 4: lady problem solved. All right, Let's move on because a
Speaker 4: big internet debate has finally been settled.
Speaker 3: I'm not talking about whether.
Speaker 4: Justin Termula should get a path for his Wiger phase.
Speaker 4: I'm talking about whether you would rather have five hundred
Speaker 4: thousand dollars or lunch with Jay Z.
Speaker 3: Now.
Speaker 4: People have been arguing about this for years, but now
Speaker 4: Hove himself has weighed in.
Speaker 11: There's something interesting online. Jay, I'd love to hear what
Speaker 11: you think about this. If you had a choice between
Speaker 11: getting paid five hundred thousand dollars in cash or lunch
Speaker 11: with jay Z, which would you choose.
Speaker 9: You gotta take the money.
Speaker 11: People say, of course you take You take lunch with
Speaker 11: jay Z because the wisdom that you would get from
Speaker 11: him would be so beneficial to you. There would only
Speaker 11: be a matter. You would take the money, take the.
Speaker 9: Five hundred thousand, Go buy some albums and listen to
Speaker 9: the album The blueprint literally to me in my life
Speaker 9: and my journey is there already.
Speaker 3: That's your advice, jay Yo.
Speaker 4: By god, we've been listening to your music and we
Speaker 4: are not billionaires. All I've learned is concrete jungles are
Speaker 4: where dreams are made of, and I have no idea
Speaker 4: what that means. I do be singing the hell out
Speaker 4: of that in the club. Though, by the way, this
Speaker 4: question only works with jay Z. No other rapper commands
Speaker 4: anything close to half a million dollars will any other
Speaker 4: rapper would be like, you want one hundred and forty
Speaker 4: two dollars or tap us with the baby? The only
Speaker 4: thing you got to remember is if you do take
Speaker 4: that money.
Speaker 3: Just don't invest it with who day.
Speaker 4: But yeah, jay says to take the five hundred grand
Speaker 4: instead of lunch with him, which makes me wonder why
Speaker 4: didn't jay Z want me to eat lunch with him?
Speaker 3: Kind of sounds like he's hiding something.
Speaker 4: What if he doesn't want you to eat lunch with
Speaker 4: him because he's secretly a picky eater.
Speaker 10: I don't like the mouthfield of mashed potatoos.
Speaker 3: It's making my tongue itch. Yo.
Speaker 10: You know how they raise tilapia. It's a bottom feeder, yo,
Speaker 10: box just bred up. I didn't get rich by wasting bread.
Speaker 10: I take the condomists home too. Beyonce's got hot sauce
Speaker 10: in a bag. Wouldn't think she learned that from I
Speaker 10: haven't paid for catch up for ten years. She boy.
Speaker 3: I got one more. I got my bre I got
Speaker 3: a bar.
Speaker 10: I can't eat with that creepy ghost kids sharing at me?
Speaker 3: Someone charge of her feet. Listen for more on this.
Speaker 4: The baby returned to Michael Cassa and Grace Coolest smit.
Speaker 3: Michael, let's start with you five hundred grand or lunch
Speaker 3: with jay Z? What's the right choice.
Speaker 7: It's easy, Jesus, You take the money. What financial advice
Speaker 7: is jay Z gonna give me? Hey, Michael, become the
Speaker 7: greatest rapper in history. I mean, at best, I can
Speaker 7: make it in the top twenty. Let me show you
Speaker 7: what I got. Drop me a b Jesus, here we
Speaker 7: go feeling I'm killing them, ba boy drilling.
Speaker 3: I'm dealing them absolutely no grace. What about you? Would
Speaker 3: you also take the money, No way.
Speaker 12: You definitely have lunch with jay Z. Look at his
Speaker 12: list of accomplishments. He married Beyonce, he dated Beyonce, he
Speaker 12: probably has beyond his phone number. So yeah, definitely lunch.
Speaker 12: Screw the five hundred grand. I'd pay that much to
Speaker 12: have Beyonce spit on me.
Speaker 7: Yeah, yeah, of course we'd all pay half a meal
Speaker 7: for Beyonce to spit on us. But that's not the question, grace.
Speaker 7: Between jay Z or half a million, you gotta take
Speaker 7: the money.
Speaker 12: This is why your rap career stalled, Michael. You don't think,
Speaker 12: you don't think big enough. You don't have to choose
Speaker 12: between jay Z and the money. What you have to
Speaker 12: do is have lunch with mister Z. But you tell
Speaker 12: him you only eat gold coins like a my strange
Speaker 12: addiction thing. Then after a couple hours in the emergency room,
Speaker 12: you're rich.
Speaker 7: No, no, you can't meet jay Z and poop out gold.
Speaker 7: It's not your birthday. Okay, money or lunch. You have
Speaker 7: to choose.
Speaker 12: But I don't though to quote jay Z no thank you?
Speaker 3: No Dan, what jay Z song is that from?
Speaker 12: Oh it's not from a song. I just assume at
Speaker 12: some point jay Z has definitely said no, thank you.
Speaker 12: My point is having lunch with mister Knowles could still
Speaker 12: make me rich. Investment, dividends, profit, these are all words
Speaker 12: he could.
Speaker 3: Define for me.
Speaker 7: Okayce Chrace, you're making this too complicated, all right, do
Speaker 7: what I do. Just take the five hundred thousand dollars,
Speaker 7: invest it in a sensible index fund. Then in five years,
Speaker 7: I take the principle, take it to Vegas, put it.
Speaker 3: All on black. I win big. Now I'm a high roller.
Speaker 7: I get front row seats to the big prize fight.
Speaker 7: Who's in the front row? Boom, jay Z.
Speaker 5: I pretend one of my contacts fell out. Yeah, I
Speaker 5: pretend one of my contacts fell out. That way, I
Speaker 5: can also pretend I don't recognize him at first, which
Speaker 5: will make him feel normal and remind him of simpler times.
Speaker 7: I give him some of the cost of charm. We
Speaker 7: exchange numbers. I asked him to lunch. Then when we
Speaker 7: meet up, I play some of my rap demos.
Speaker 12: Yes, yes, you play your rap demos, Beyonce, here's them.
Speaker 3: She's so appalled by.
Speaker 12: What she's hearing that she spits on you. You're a genius.
Speaker 13: Yeah, yeah, yeah, I am a genius, and I mean
Speaker 13: this my boy sneeze is allergy sees is Jesus.
Speaker 3: Give me a beat, Give me a beat them.
Speaker 4: Okay, Well, Grace blues everybody, and when we come back,
Speaker 4: we'll find out the truth behind lasser flies.
Speaker 14: So don't go away. Welcome back to the Daily Show.
Speaker 14: There are a lot of conspiracy theories out there, and I.
Speaker 4: Believe like eighty percent of them are true, which is
Speaker 4: why we have a special segment that reveals the conspiracies
Speaker 4: you might have missed.
Speaker 3: Conspiracies. They're everywhere or are they nowhere? Or is that
Speaker 3: exactly what they want you to think?
Speaker 7: So that's where my wallet is. Well for every day
Speaker 7: there's a meet I'm Kevin Matthew Kelp. Follow me as
Speaker 7: I pull back the curtain. To find the truth behind
Speaker 7: the curtain. This is project conspiracy. New York has been
Speaker 7: the victim of countless animal invasions, apes, lizards, beetles, and
Speaker 7: now there's a new invader wreaking havoc on New York
Speaker 7: and it might just be the most dangerous one yet.
Speaker 7: Spotted lantern fly.
Speaker 3: The invasion of the spotted lantern fly.
Speaker 14: They wreak havoc on more than seventy varieties of plants.
Speaker 8: The spotted lantern wise are ever reware.
Speaker 3: And once they stick, they breed quickly.
Speaker 7: Walk down an each sidewalk in the city and you'll
Speaker 7: see them. A bug seemingly biologically engineered to be squished,
Speaker 7: easy to spot, docile, with a slight crunch that tickles
Speaker 7: the year.
Speaker 3: Damn it.
Speaker 15: Now, I've killed my fair share of animals, and every
Speaker 15: single time the officials tell me to please leave the zoo.
Speaker 15: So why is it that this time the government agrees
Speaker 15: with me?
Speaker 3: That's so much pooh. The State Agricultural Department want you
Speaker 3: to kill.
Speaker 5: The officials are telling residents to stop and squash swat
Speaker 5: squash or.
Speaker 3: Stop if you see it, smash it.
Speaker 5: You could just hear the foot black on the flip flops.
Speaker 7: I really like it, ah, as much as I love
Speaker 7: stomping the life out of things. Anytime I agree with
Speaker 7: the government, it means something isn't right. It's time to
Speaker 7: get to the bottom of this bug spiracy. Come on,
Speaker 7: lantern flies, where do they come from? Well, the government
Speaker 7: claims they migrated from China. That's an obvious lie. China
Speaker 7: has to be at least fifty miles from New York,
Speaker 7: way too far for a bug to fly.
Speaker 3: Nice tried Deep State, but I'm not taking the bait.
Speaker 7: So the real question is who or what would stand
Speaker 7: to gain from continuously smashing ah ah While seeking treatment
Speaker 7: for my battle wounds. Suddenly I realized the answer.
Speaker 8: The diatrists.
Speaker 7: The diatrists, come on, there's always been something shady about podiatrists.
Speaker 7: A doctor just for your feet, that's like having a
Speaker 7: doctor only for your heart.
Speaker 3: Doesn't make any sense.
Speaker 1: But if these guys were gonna get rich, they would
Speaker 1: have to manufacture demand dune, and the most obvious way
Speaker 1: to do that is to create a fake bug crisis,
Speaker 1: launder to the American people through the US government, enticing
Speaker 1: us to walk directly into their offices.
Speaker 7: It's a plan, So genius, you almost have to respect.
Speaker 3: It, but I don't. And now, well I need to
Speaker 3: see proof that could bring these foot.
Speaker 7: Doctors to heat.
Speaker 3: That's a good one.
Speaker 7: I bet you're getting so many patients that have injured
Speaker 7: themselves from stopping on lantern flies.
Speaker 3: Must be a real gold mine for you.
Speaker 6: Uh no, you're the first I've seen most people are
Speaker 6: able to gently step on them without injuring themselves.
Speaker 3: Uh huh, you know what?
Speaker 2: Not small talk?
Speaker 3: Where is it where you're breeding the lantern flies?
Speaker 7: Huh huh?
Speaker 3: What's this? What's this? The foot of the last guy
Speaker 3: that got too close to the truth to journey. Never
Speaker 3: gonna catch me. Your security has never seen somebody move
Speaker 3: this fast. Careful your shoe, you can just get hold up
Speaker 3: for guy, give it back, and you're never gonna catch me.
Speaker 7: But you're you're not gonna get my copaid either.
Speaker 3: I'll see you in three weeks.
Speaker 7: From up here, it's easy to see the vastness of
Speaker 7: this conspiracy, millions of feet hunting down millions of lantern flies,
Speaker 7: making millions of dollars for big Foot.
Speaker 3: But now that I know.
Speaker 7: The truth, I'm not going to be a part of
Speaker 7: it anymore. Just one more, can't hurt a gotcha.
Speaker 3: Welcome Peace Tavan, let me come back.
Speaker 4: W NBA champion Sidney Coulson was joining me on the show,
Speaker 4: so don't go away.
Speaker 16: H all Day, Welcome back to the Daily Show.
Speaker 3: My guy tonight is a two time w.
Speaker 4: NBA champion who plays for the Las Vegas Aces.
Speaker 3: Please welcome Sydney Colsa. Sorry you're.
Speaker 4: Sne congratulations on another championship.
Speaker 2: Listen, Okay, we got Vegas fans here.
Speaker 3: Youah Vegas fans everywhere? Sad. This is supposed to be
Speaker 3: Liberty turf right. You know I've been Liberty garn. Did
Speaker 3: you come here to glote? No? I'm yes, actually talk
Speaker 3: that talk, but actually I don't have to.
Speaker 17: Most of them were cheering for the Aces.
Speaker 3: I love it. Okay, wow, man, we got.
Speaker 17: I think we just got w fans here though. I
Speaker 17: appreciate it.
Speaker 4: Yes, yeah, yeah, because I was actually at that game
Speaker 4: and it was the highest rated.
Speaker 3: Game in the w NBA history. This season, people are
Speaker 3: actually watching the game. People coming out, y'all are coming out.
Speaker 4: What does it feel like to be part of that movement?
Speaker 4: We're now like you're more visible and people are really
Speaker 4: rocking with the WNBA.
Speaker 17: It's incredible. I think about when I came in the
Speaker 17: league in twenty eleven and what it looked like them
Speaker 17: versus what these arenas will look like today, and what
Speaker 17: how many times we'll see players on commercials, on TV shows,
Speaker 17: on just a.
Speaker 3: Variety of things.
Speaker 17: This wasn't anything I ever expected to see in like
Speaker 17: my time that I was playing, but especially as like
Speaker 17: a young black player, to see women that look like
Speaker 17: me doing it and killing it. I was like, I
Speaker 17: just gotta keep working, okay, all right.
Speaker 4: Now doing in the game for you were down two
Speaker 4: star players, and that's the game.
Speaker 3: You have choice words for all the doubters. Oh yeah,
Speaker 3: I think we have a clip. Okay. People wanted to.
Speaker 10: Count us out because we had two R starters down.
Speaker 8: But they don't know we got some dogs on this team.
Speaker 3: Shaw I got two words to say night guys. Wow wow,
Speaker 3: I mean she got.
Speaker 4: But do you feel you're one of the best trash
Speaker 4: talkers in the WNBA.
Speaker 17: When I tell you I'm not even a trash talker.
Speaker 17: I'm not this particular blew up and it makes me
Speaker 17: look like such.
Speaker 4: I'm loving it, a douche bag, I'm loving.
Speaker 3: You, villain. I'm like I didn't even know I would
Speaker 3: be in it.
Speaker 17: But I'm like people, I'm troubling people at this point
Speaker 17: one because I don't care.
Speaker 3: They're like, you only had two points. She's not two
Speaker 3: points on the Daily Show. That's gonna be there today.
Speaker 3: I mean speaking to two points.
Speaker 4: It kind of got cooked on Twitter today by Asia.
Speaker 17: I know, right, it be your own teammates.
Speaker 3: Be all teammates. She said, you thought the whole team
Speaker 3: was going to see Usher, and she.
Speaker 4: Tweeted and response to you, since scores two points in
Speaker 4: game four, thinks she's gonna get Usher tickets?
Speaker 3: Oh wow, you gonna take that.
Speaker 17: I'm not gonna take that, I responded to.
Speaker 3: And I know you saw that. Okay? Is this like
Speaker 3: playful rivalry?
Speaker 2: This is for sure?
Speaker 4: I like that, yes, just like we haven't seen that
Speaker 4: before in the w NBA. Just like even like the
Speaker 4: rivalry between the Liberty and you. But it's so you
Speaker 4: guys respect each other on such a level.
Speaker 17: For sure. It's like when you gotta saying or you
Speaker 17: got cousins that you grew up with, like you rag
Speaker 17: on each other, you joke on each other, but you
Speaker 17: love them, got you got you.
Speaker 4: You're not working on a new unscripted comedy series called
Speaker 4: The Sid and TP Show.
Speaker 3: Are you trying to take my job?
Speaker 12: No?
Speaker 3: Talk me about your show? So uh.
Speaker 17: The log line is like two w NBA benchwarmers who
Speaker 17: try to become the face of the league even though
Speaker 17: nobody asks them to, and it's just hilarious.
Speaker 7: There's a lot of.
Speaker 17: Like Man on the Street type stuff, a few like
Speaker 17: sketches that we do, and else just anybody who knows
Speaker 17: our personalities or have seen us like on the Asist
Speaker 17: Social I think they'll enjoy it.
Speaker 3: You gotta have me on season two. We're hoping for it.
Speaker 3: Let's go, Yes, come on on Food Channel.
Speaker 4: We wanna take a quick break, but we're right back
Speaker 4: after this.
Speaker 3: That's our show for tonight.
Speaker 4: But before we go, please consider supporting the Bronx Defenders.
Speaker 4: They are a public defender nonprofit that is radically transforming
Speaker 4: how low income people in the Bronx are represented in
Speaker 4: the justice system. If you can, please donate the link below.
Speaker 14: Explore more shows from the Daily Show podcast universe by
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Speaker 2: Watch The Daily Show week nights at eleven ten Central
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Speaker 4: Plus this has been a Comedy Central podcast.
Speaker 3: Ye