1 00:00:09,760 --> 00:00:13,480 Speaker 1: All right, guys, welcome back to another episode of couch Talks. 2 00:00:13,520 --> 00:00:16,680 Speaker 1: If you are new, my name is Kat and couch 3 00:00:16,720 --> 00:00:20,120 Speaker 1: Talks is the special bonus episode of You Need Therapy, 4 00:00:20,520 --> 00:00:23,720 Speaker 1: where I answer the questions that you send in via 5 00:00:23,800 --> 00:00:27,840 Speaker 1: email at Catherine at you Need Therapy podcast dot com. 6 00:00:27,920 --> 00:00:30,320 Speaker 1: And before we get started today, I want to remind 7 00:00:30,480 --> 00:00:34,760 Speaker 1: everybody that no part of this podcast is therapy. I 8 00:00:34,760 --> 00:00:37,760 Speaker 1: am looking at this more as really psycho education. It's 9 00:00:37,840 --> 00:00:40,240 Speaker 1: just getting some information out there to help you guys think. 10 00:00:40,440 --> 00:00:42,920 Speaker 1: And even when I answered these questions, I'm not really 11 00:00:42,920 --> 00:00:46,159 Speaker 1: giving you therapy, but I'm hoping to elicit and kind 12 00:00:46,159 --> 00:00:48,760 Speaker 1: of evoke some thinking. I try not to give you 13 00:00:49,000 --> 00:00:52,120 Speaker 1: straightforward answers all the time, but would just like to 14 00:00:52,159 --> 00:00:54,760 Speaker 1: say that this is not therapy. Even though I am 15 00:00:54,800 --> 00:00:58,040 Speaker 1: a licensed therapist, I can't give therapy to somebody unless 16 00:00:58,040 --> 00:01:01,480 Speaker 1: we're in a theraputic contract and we have both agreed 17 00:01:01,560 --> 00:01:03,520 Speaker 1: on that together. So I just wanted to get that 18 00:01:03,560 --> 00:01:05,720 Speaker 1: out there. I hope you guys are doing good today. 19 00:01:05,800 --> 00:01:07,679 Speaker 1: I hope that um you're having the day you need 20 00:01:07,720 --> 00:01:10,080 Speaker 1: to have. And I say, we jump into these two 21 00:01:10,120 --> 00:01:12,520 Speaker 1: questions I have. So the first one is kind of 22 00:01:12,520 --> 00:01:14,399 Speaker 1: a follow up to a question I talked about a 23 00:01:14,400 --> 00:01:17,679 Speaker 1: couple of weeks ago about borderline personality disorder, and so 24 00:01:17,959 --> 00:01:22,520 Speaker 1: this anonymous human sentence, Hi, I love your podcast and 25 00:01:22,560 --> 00:01:26,000 Speaker 1: following you on Instagram. My sister has borderline personality disorder. 26 00:01:26,080 --> 00:01:29,319 Speaker 1: She's not technically diagnosed by her therapist, but in speaking 27 00:01:29,319 --> 00:01:31,760 Speaker 1: with my own therapist as well as my license just 28 00:01:31,800 --> 00:01:34,959 Speaker 1: no longer practicing therapist, mom, it's basically the only thing 29 00:01:35,040 --> 00:01:38,319 Speaker 1: that explains her ways. You talked about borderline personality disorder 30 00:01:38,319 --> 00:01:40,240 Speaker 1: and suggested reading the book I Hate You, Don't Leave Me. 31 00:01:40,400 --> 00:01:42,600 Speaker 1: My mom was so shocked in a good way that 32 00:01:42,600 --> 00:01:45,399 Speaker 1: that's what you recommended, she immediately ordered it for me. Well, 33 00:01:45,440 --> 00:01:47,880 Speaker 1: I have just completed it, and although I found the 34 00:01:47,880 --> 00:01:50,920 Speaker 1: majority of it extremely helpful, I guess at the very 35 00:01:51,000 --> 00:01:53,280 Speaker 1: least it gave me a lot of great information. There 36 00:01:53,520 --> 00:01:56,360 Speaker 1: was no, shall we say, guide on how to help 37 00:01:56,400 --> 00:01:59,280 Speaker 1: someone that you would classify as having borderline personality disorder. 38 00:01:59,360 --> 00:02:01,040 Speaker 1: When I say help, I mean basically I want to 39 00:02:01,040 --> 00:02:02,720 Speaker 1: walk up to my sister and say, hey, you have 40 00:02:02,720 --> 00:02:05,440 Speaker 1: a borderline personality disorder. Let's go find a counselor that 41 00:02:05,520 --> 00:02:07,800 Speaker 1: specialized in this so you can get some help. Now. 42 00:02:07,880 --> 00:02:10,400 Speaker 1: I know that that's not appropriate, but what can I do. Now? 43 00:02:10,600 --> 00:02:12,760 Speaker 1: We've been dealing with this for years and it's heartbreaking, 44 00:02:12,840 --> 00:02:14,880 Speaker 1: and more recently, she's become such a victim of her 45 00:02:14,880 --> 00:02:17,600 Speaker 1: own eating disorder that her skin looks terrible, her beautiful 46 00:02:17,639 --> 00:02:19,560 Speaker 1: thick hair is falling out, and she gets so dizzy 47 00:02:19,639 --> 00:02:22,680 Speaker 1: she can't walk or drive. I would appreciate any suggestions 48 00:02:22,760 --> 00:02:25,359 Speaker 1: or advice you might have. Thank you, Okay, I'm really 49 00:02:25,360 --> 00:02:27,480 Speaker 1: glad that you brought this up. And oh my gosh, 50 00:02:27,520 --> 00:02:30,240 Speaker 1: I'm so sorry. That last part must be really hard 51 00:02:30,320 --> 00:02:33,359 Speaker 1: and challenging to watch your sister struggle. So my heart 52 00:02:33,360 --> 00:02:35,680 Speaker 1: really goes out for you in that, and that's tough. 53 00:02:35,919 --> 00:02:39,120 Speaker 1: I will say, having the conversation about someone having borderline 54 00:02:39,120 --> 00:02:42,880 Speaker 1: personality disorder can be pretty hard because of the stigma 55 00:02:42,919 --> 00:02:44,959 Speaker 1: that's attached to it. Now I think that there it 56 00:02:45,000 --> 00:02:48,560 Speaker 1: can be something super helpful and fruitful out of sometimes 57 00:02:48,560 --> 00:02:51,240 Speaker 1: diagnosing these and not just letting them be so elusive. 58 00:02:51,360 --> 00:02:53,119 Speaker 1: But I don't believe it's something that deserves the price 59 00:02:53,160 --> 00:02:56,040 Speaker 1: tag of shame. The problem is it often does just 60 00:02:56,120 --> 00:02:59,520 Speaker 1: because of the miscommunication or the misinformation that's out there 61 00:02:59,520 --> 00:03:02,400 Speaker 1: about it. And again the stigma. So as far as 62 00:03:02,400 --> 00:03:05,280 Speaker 1: helping your sister, I think you're totally right. Your instinct 63 00:03:05,280 --> 00:03:08,000 Speaker 1: wouldn't be so helpful. But what might be helpful is 64 00:03:08,080 --> 00:03:11,120 Speaker 1: having a conversation that tells her what you see and 65 00:03:11,160 --> 00:03:13,960 Speaker 1: how you feel, and then ask her some questions like 66 00:03:14,120 --> 00:03:16,400 Speaker 1: have you looked into this? Are you in your therapists 67 00:03:16,440 --> 00:03:18,640 Speaker 1: working on this? And when I say this, I don't 68 00:03:18,639 --> 00:03:22,559 Speaker 1: really mean like borderline personality disorder. I mean the behaviors 69 00:03:22,600 --> 00:03:25,120 Speaker 1: that you're seeing, because one who knows they might be 70 00:03:25,120 --> 00:03:27,080 Speaker 1: working on that stuff, and you just don't know because 71 00:03:27,200 --> 00:03:29,880 Speaker 1: we don't tell everybody what goes on in our therapy sessions. 72 00:03:29,960 --> 00:03:33,680 Speaker 1: And it's also totally respectable that your sister doesn't want 73 00:03:33,720 --> 00:03:35,520 Speaker 1: to have this conversation with you, because it can be 74 00:03:35,560 --> 00:03:37,480 Speaker 1: something that is just hers to work on and she's 75 00:03:37,480 --> 00:03:39,440 Speaker 1: not ready to talk about it. But I do think 76 00:03:39,480 --> 00:03:44,080 Speaker 1: that talking about the behaviors more than the disorder is 77 00:03:44,160 --> 00:03:47,440 Speaker 1: really what might be the most fruitful for y'all. Even 78 00:03:47,480 --> 00:03:50,760 Speaker 1: when you approach people about eating disorders, it's more about like, hey, 79 00:03:50,800 --> 00:03:53,400 Speaker 1: I've noticed that, like you run to the bathroom right 80 00:03:53,440 --> 00:03:56,440 Speaker 1: after you eat, or I've noticed that you have been 81 00:03:56,480 --> 00:03:58,480 Speaker 1: skipping meals or I noticed that you've been at the 82 00:03:58,520 --> 00:04:00,680 Speaker 1: gym a lot lately. It's not like I noticed that 83 00:04:00,720 --> 00:04:03,320 Speaker 1: you had a needing disorder, like that's very different. And 84 00:04:03,360 --> 00:04:05,440 Speaker 1: so something that you might want to try is that 85 00:04:05,520 --> 00:04:07,440 Speaker 1: I've noticed that I don't know if this is any 86 00:04:07,440 --> 00:04:09,200 Speaker 1: of the stuff that your sister struggles with, but I 87 00:04:09,320 --> 00:04:12,720 Speaker 1: noticed that sometimes when I talk to you, you get 88 00:04:12,720 --> 00:04:16,400 Speaker 1: really defensive and you kind of jump to conclusions when 89 00:04:16,480 --> 00:04:19,599 Speaker 1: I try to set boundaries, or it sounds like I 90 00:04:19,640 --> 00:04:21,880 Speaker 1: make up a story that you're feeling really abandoned when 91 00:04:21,880 --> 00:04:23,800 Speaker 1: I tell you that I can't hang out, even though 92 00:04:23,800 --> 00:04:25,800 Speaker 1: I'm being honest with you and I don't mean that 93 00:04:25,839 --> 00:04:28,840 Speaker 1: in a negative way. Or I've noticed that your emotions 94 00:04:29,040 --> 00:04:33,240 Speaker 1: can spike to extremes really quickly, and just using that 95 00:04:33,360 --> 00:04:37,279 Speaker 1: idea of wondering rather than blaming or accusing would be 96 00:04:37,320 --> 00:04:40,200 Speaker 1: really helpful. And then trusting when she talks to you 97 00:04:40,240 --> 00:04:42,880 Speaker 1: and you ask your questions um about how she's taking 98 00:04:42,920 --> 00:04:45,719 Speaker 1: care of that, trusting that she's doing that and if not, again, 99 00:04:45,880 --> 00:04:48,560 Speaker 1: you're planting a seat. And we can't control people, And 100 00:04:48,600 --> 00:04:51,080 Speaker 1: I think that's one of the hardest lessons in life 101 00:04:51,240 --> 00:04:54,560 Speaker 1: is we really can't fix and control people, but we 102 00:04:54,600 --> 00:04:58,560 Speaker 1: can plant seats and we can offer support, and that 103 00:04:58,640 --> 00:05:01,159 Speaker 1: might be what you do, like, hey, I've noticed this, 104 00:05:01,680 --> 00:05:04,560 Speaker 1: how can I support you? Or I've noticed this, I 105 00:05:04,600 --> 00:05:08,080 Speaker 1: feel this? How can I support you? And seeing where 106 00:05:08,120 --> 00:05:11,760 Speaker 1: that goes going into that conversation with the idea of 107 00:05:12,040 --> 00:05:14,480 Speaker 1: I want to offer support rather than I want to 108 00:05:14,480 --> 00:05:16,440 Speaker 1: fix her. I want to tell her what to do. 109 00:05:16,680 --> 00:05:20,719 Speaker 1: It's tough, it's hard, but the scariest conversations sometimes open 110 00:05:20,800 --> 00:05:23,719 Speaker 1: up the best dialogues that can really make relationships deeper. 111 00:05:23,800 --> 00:05:26,280 Speaker 1: So I don't know the relationship you have with your sisters, 112 00:05:26,279 --> 00:05:28,359 Speaker 1: so I don't know how safe that is. I wouldn't 113 00:05:28,440 --> 00:05:30,960 Speaker 1: need some more information, but with a little bit that 114 00:05:31,040 --> 00:05:33,919 Speaker 1: I have, that might be what I would encourage you 115 00:05:33,960 --> 00:05:37,599 Speaker 1: to do. And that goes for anybody who sees anything 116 00:05:37,920 --> 00:05:40,920 Speaker 1: in people that they love that scares them or elicits 117 00:05:40,960 --> 00:05:43,719 Speaker 1: a response of I want to fix this. You might 118 00:05:43,880 --> 00:05:46,480 Speaker 1: share that with them if it feels appropriate, and then 119 00:05:46,520 --> 00:05:49,800 Speaker 1: you ask, how can I support you? Because maybe what 120 00:05:49,880 --> 00:05:52,720 Speaker 1: she wants isn't support, or maybe she doesn't want to change, 121 00:05:52,800 --> 00:05:54,680 Speaker 1: or maybe what she does is working for her. We 122 00:05:54,720 --> 00:05:57,840 Speaker 1: can't do anything about that. So it also tell you 123 00:05:57,839 --> 00:05:59,520 Speaker 1: you might want to look at what boundaries you might 124 00:05:59,520 --> 00:06:02,159 Speaker 1: need to put up to protect yourself, because when people 125 00:06:02,160 --> 00:06:05,200 Speaker 1: don't want help and we're scared about what that might 126 00:06:05,240 --> 00:06:07,560 Speaker 1: look like, we need to take care of ourselves some 127 00:06:07,680 --> 00:06:11,360 Speaker 1: personal internal boundaries. So there's that. Now here's the second question. 128 00:06:11,560 --> 00:06:14,120 Speaker 1: I see a therapist weekly and have been for about 129 00:06:14,200 --> 00:06:16,279 Speaker 1: two to three years now as part of my recovery. 130 00:06:16,480 --> 00:06:18,359 Speaker 1: When I might be having a bad day or just 131 00:06:18,440 --> 00:06:22,000 Speaker 1: need to vent about life, one of my friends often responds, Wow, 132 00:06:22,040 --> 00:06:24,200 Speaker 1: you should really talk to your therapist about that, or 133 00:06:24,440 --> 00:06:27,120 Speaker 1: have you mentioned that to your therapist? It feels dismissive 134 00:06:27,200 --> 00:06:29,200 Speaker 1: and makes me not want to share my feelings, even 135 00:06:29,200 --> 00:06:32,320 Speaker 1: though I'm practicing being more open with others. It probably 136 00:06:32,320 --> 00:06:34,719 Speaker 1: comes from a good place, but sometimes I just need 137 00:06:34,720 --> 00:06:36,920 Speaker 1: her to be a friend. How can I tell her 138 00:06:37,279 --> 00:06:39,480 Speaker 1: this is not the response I want to hear. Sometimes 139 00:06:39,520 --> 00:06:41,880 Speaker 1: I just don't think it's appropriate. This isn't also an 140 00:06:41,880 --> 00:06:45,360 Speaker 1: amazing question, So I think you can tell her similarly 141 00:06:45,600 --> 00:06:48,120 Speaker 1: to how you told me. She most likely thinks that 142 00:06:48,279 --> 00:06:50,480 Speaker 1: what she's doing is the right thing when she asked that, 143 00:06:50,600 --> 00:06:53,520 Speaker 1: or maybe she really could be curious about what your 144 00:06:53,560 --> 00:06:57,280 Speaker 1: therapist thinks. I know, personally, my friends often will ask 145 00:06:57,360 --> 00:07:00,000 Speaker 1: have you told your therapist about that? In a very genuine, 146 00:07:00,040 --> 00:07:02,320 Speaker 1: curious way. They want to know that if I'm getting 147 00:07:02,320 --> 00:07:04,440 Speaker 1: support the way I need to get support, or they're 148 00:07:04,480 --> 00:07:06,400 Speaker 1: just like, I wonder what she has to say, because 149 00:07:06,440 --> 00:07:09,520 Speaker 1: I really value her feedback. On the other hand, maybe 150 00:07:09,560 --> 00:07:12,520 Speaker 1: she is dismissive and that's also something worth a conversation. 151 00:07:13,120 --> 00:07:16,000 Speaker 1: Maybe the stuff you're saying is bringing something up for 152 00:07:16,040 --> 00:07:18,720 Speaker 1: her and she doesn't feel like she has the capacity 153 00:07:18,840 --> 00:07:21,040 Speaker 1: to talk about it with you. So I think the 154 00:07:21,080 --> 00:07:23,680 Speaker 1: best thing here would just to be honest for real, 155 00:07:23,840 --> 00:07:27,040 Speaker 1: like saying something like, hey, I haven't talked about this 156 00:07:27,080 --> 00:07:30,640 Speaker 1: with my therapist, because a therapist conversation is a very 157 00:07:30,640 --> 00:07:34,320 Speaker 1: different conversation than a friend conversation, and right now I 158 00:07:34,360 --> 00:07:37,080 Speaker 1: really need a friend conversation and seeing where that goes. 159 00:07:37,400 --> 00:07:40,800 Speaker 1: The more you kind of pushed this away and and 160 00:07:40,960 --> 00:07:43,320 Speaker 1: it stews inside of you, I think the more resentful 161 00:07:43,400 --> 00:07:46,240 Speaker 1: you might be. At least that's how my world works, 162 00:07:46,400 --> 00:07:49,200 Speaker 1: And so I would say, the next time this happens, 163 00:07:49,520 --> 00:07:52,320 Speaker 1: just be like, hey, like again, like when this happens, 164 00:07:52,520 --> 00:07:54,920 Speaker 1: I feel kind of dismissed or I feel like you 165 00:07:54,920 --> 00:07:57,680 Speaker 1: don't care or make up the story that you don't 166 00:07:57,720 --> 00:07:59,720 Speaker 1: want to talk about this with me, and what I'm 167 00:07:59,720 --> 00:08:01,440 Speaker 1: really looking for as a friend to hear me out. 168 00:08:01,480 --> 00:08:03,280 Speaker 1: I just need to vent. You don't have to fix it. 169 00:08:03,400 --> 00:08:05,320 Speaker 1: And this isn't something that either I want to talk 170 00:08:05,360 --> 00:08:07,280 Speaker 1: to my therapist about or this is something that I 171 00:08:07,320 --> 00:08:09,280 Speaker 1: also want to just talk to a friend about. And 172 00:08:09,320 --> 00:08:11,240 Speaker 1: I think that's important because a lot of people who 173 00:08:11,360 --> 00:08:14,480 Speaker 1: especially if they haven't been to therapy, don't know the difference. 174 00:08:14,640 --> 00:08:17,000 Speaker 1: They really don't know the difference that like talking to 175 00:08:17,080 --> 00:08:20,080 Speaker 1: your friends, in venting is not the same as talking 176 00:08:20,120 --> 00:08:23,040 Speaker 1: to your therapist. You don't do as much venting with 177 00:08:23,080 --> 00:08:26,600 Speaker 1: a therapist. Sometimes it's necessary, but the therapist also might 178 00:08:26,920 --> 00:08:29,240 Speaker 1: make you answer questions or think about things that you're 179 00:08:29,240 --> 00:08:31,960 Speaker 1: not ready to think about. So I think explaining that 180 00:08:32,000 --> 00:08:34,760 Speaker 1: to your friend could be really awesome and actually again 181 00:08:35,080 --> 00:08:38,680 Speaker 1: another opportunity for growth in a relationship. I hope that helps. 182 00:08:38,960 --> 00:08:41,800 Speaker 1: There's the two questions for today. I hope you guys 183 00:08:41,840 --> 00:08:44,280 Speaker 1: have a wonderful rest of whatever day you're listening to 184 00:08:44,320 --> 00:08:47,959 Speaker 1: this on. And again the disclaimer that this right here 185 00:08:48,000 --> 00:08:50,920 Speaker 1: is not therapy. This is me giving my opinion and 186 00:08:51,040 --> 00:08:54,680 Speaker 1: encouragement from somebody who is a therapist, and uh follow 187 00:08:54,720 --> 00:08:57,559 Speaker 1: me on Instagram at cat dot de fata and follow 188 00:08:57,559 --> 00:09:00,440 Speaker 1: the podcast at at You Need Therapy Podcast. I hope 189 00:09:00,480 --> 00:09:03,120 Speaker 1: you guys have a good rest of your week or 190 00:09:03,160 --> 00:09:06,120 Speaker 1: whatever rest of the week you need to have. Bye.