Speaker 1: Hello everybody, and welcome back to the Psychology of Your Twenties,
Speaker 1: the podcast where we talk through some of the big
Speaker 1: life changes and transitions of our twenties and what they
Speaker 1: mean for our psychology.
Speaker 2: Hello everybody, Welcome back to the show. Welcome back to
Speaker 2: the podcast, new listeners, old listeners, wherever you are in
Speaker 2: the world. I am so glad to have you here
Speaker 2: for an episode for a topic I'm really really passionate about.
Speaker 2: It is possibly one of my strongest opinions. I don't
Speaker 2: even think it's a controversial one. I want to talk
Speaker 2: about why I believe so deeply that one of the
Speaker 2: best things we can do in our twenties is fall
Speaker 2: in love with our own company, and I want to
Speaker 2: talk about why that is, but more specifically, how we
Speaker 2: can do that, especially in a world where we are
Speaker 2: more addicted to social contact and engagement stimulation than ever before.
Speaker 2: When I think actually having a moment of true solitude
Speaker 2: is increasingly rare, it's still very much possible, and I
Speaker 2: think it's a necessity if you want to deepen the
Speaker 2: relationship that you have with yourself and as a result,
Speaker 2: the people around you. Honestly, I think every aspect of
Speaker 2: your life becomes more defined and sharper and intentional when
Speaker 2: we value our own free time and our own company,
Speaker 2: and we see that space and that time being alone
Speaker 2: with ourselves as a source of peace, as a source
Speaker 2: of contemplation and growth, rather than just as empty space
Speaker 2: that we need to fill with social commitments, with work,
Speaker 2: with anything of the sort. I think it comes back
Speaker 2: to that very core foundational philosophy we have on the
Speaker 2: show that the relationship you have with yourself is your
Speaker 2: biggest and most important investment, and when you neglect it,
Speaker 2: I think everything else in your life tends to suffer
Speaker 2: as well. No one can sustain you can know you
Speaker 2: like you know yourself, and so you have to make
Speaker 2: that relationship a priority, even when it's not easy, even
Speaker 2: when it's not convenient, even when it doesn't come naturally
Speaker 2: to you. So I have always had, I think, a
Speaker 2: really complicated relationship with loneliness, just to get vulnerable for
Speaker 2: a second. And I think it really stems, quite honestly,
Speaker 2: from being bullied as a child. I was a really
Speaker 2: strange kid. I didn't have many friends. I was always
Speaker 2: kind of made to play like the villain character when
Speaker 2: we were playing make believe. I was a bit shy.
Speaker 2: I was just a bit different, which is something that
Speaker 2: I love now because I think weird kids turn into
Speaker 2: interesting adults. But because there was this whole period in
Speaker 2: my young dad years, in my formative years, where I
Speaker 2: never quite felt like I belonged. I knew what it
Speaker 2: felt like to be quite lonely from a young age,
Speaker 2: and I did get really comfortable with my own company.
Speaker 2: It was like kind of a bit of a superpower
Speaker 2: for myself. As sad as it sounds, right like, you know,
Speaker 2: I get that, it's very kind of get sad, like
Speaker 2: you didn't have enough friends, so you had to be
Speaker 2: your own best friend. And I really actually valued that
Speaker 2: about myself. But when I got to UNI, I've spoken
Speaker 2: about this before, but I really met my people. I
Speaker 2: got to meet the people I still call my best
Speaker 2: friends even now, And of course it was like the
Speaker 2: best thing ever. This is what I always wanted. But
Speaker 2: because this was such a new experience to constantly have
Speaker 2: people I wanted to be around who made my life
Speaker 2: so much better, who were really tied to me at
Speaker 2: the hip, for a long time, I kind of forgot
Speaker 2: how to be alone. You know, that survival skill that
Speaker 2: protective mechanism. I developed a valuing my own company was
Speaker 2: no longer useful in this situation, so I neglected it,
Speaker 2: and eventually it was something that I had to relearn,
Speaker 2: especially as I transitioned kind of out of my early
Speaker 2: twenties when I was at UNI and I was surrounded
Speaker 2: by people all the time to the situation I'm in
Speaker 2: now where I was working full time. I moved to
Speaker 2: a new city where I didn't have as many friends.
Speaker 2: I was suddenly single as well. It felt so similar
Speaker 2: to how I had felt as a child, but I
Speaker 2: had lost my coping skill. I had lost I think
Speaker 2: the reverence and the joy I felt in my own company,
Speaker 2: and I really kind of began to notice that the
Speaker 2: reason this was so difficult this transitionary period was because
Speaker 2: for the last three or four years before that time,
Speaker 2: I hadn't really put any effort into the relationship I
Speaker 2: had with myself. I was always prioritizing time and experiences
Speaker 2: with others, and it eventually came at my detriment. I
Speaker 2: think as a generation, all of us included, we have
Speaker 2: a hard time spending time alone for a few reasons.
Speaker 2: The biggest contributor is fomo. The infamous fear of missing out,
Speaker 2: and the fear of missing out is twofold. Firstly, it
Speaker 2: involves a perception followed by compulsion, So we really tend
Speaker 2: to exaggerate the quality and the fun we think everybody
Speaker 2: else is having without us. So in those moments when
Speaker 2: we're not present, we really tend to expand what we
Speaker 2: think other people are experiencing, and we tend to make
Speaker 2: it seem a lot bigger and more golden and colorful
Speaker 2: than it actually is. And this results in us never
Speaker 2: wanting to miss an event, never wanting to be without
Speaker 2: plans or excluded, which is a compulsion, right. We are
Speaker 2: kind of compelled to constantly be engaged and constantly be involved,
Speaker 2: almost as a way to soothe that fear that we're
Speaker 2: missing out. Now, it should be noted that this term
Speaker 2: fomo was first introduced in two thousand and four, that
Speaker 2: is the same year that Facebook launched, and it began
Speaker 2: to really take off in the early twenty tens as
Speaker 2: a direct consequence of this increasing uptake of social media
Speaker 2: and the opportunities it provided for people to constantly see
Speaker 2: what others were up to and to compare that to
Speaker 2: their own days and their own lives now more than ever.
Speaker 2: At this point in society, we are exposed to so
Speaker 2: many details, intimate details about what others are doing, and
Speaker 2: that means that we're faced with this continuous uncertainty about
Speaker 2: whether we're doing enough, whether we are getting enough social connection,
Speaker 2: whether we know as many people as we should, whether
Speaker 2: our friendships are as successful as we would want them
Speaker 2: to be. So I think it kind of makes socializing
Speaker 2: quite competitive. And if our aim is to always be
Speaker 2: as busy as the next person and never let those
Speaker 2: negative feelings of fomo into our lives, then we do
Speaker 2: really deprive ourselves of the opportunity and the beauty of
Speaker 2: cherishing our alone time. Researchers also believe that fomo makes
Speaker 2: us particularly attuned to feelings of social rejection, whether that
Speaker 2: social rejection is perceived or real. And we know that
Speaker 2: on a psychological and emotional level that the pain of
Speaker 2: rejection really mimics the same kind of discomfort we feel
Speaker 2: in response to physical, physically painful stimuli and injury. So
Speaker 2: we want to avoid it. But missing out on plans
Speaker 2: won't ruin your life. It won't immobilize you the same
Speaker 2: way that a broken arm or a fraction leg will.
Speaker 2: If you are someone who freaks out at not having
Speaker 2: plans on a Saturday night or spending even a single
Speaker 2: evening alone, I think it's really time to consider whether
Speaker 2: this is actually genuine loneliness, whether you actually need more
Speaker 2: social connection, or whether it's fomo and you just need
Speaker 2: to reframe your relationship with your own company. I think
Speaker 2: it also comes down to the fact that as a
Speaker 2: society we just don't have a healthy relationship with loneliness.
Speaker 2: We see it as something to avoid, We stigmatize it,
Speaker 2: we fear it, rather than actually holding space for it
Speaker 2: in our lives and recognizing what it firstly has to
Speaker 2: teach us, secondly how universal it is, and thirdly how
Speaker 2: it can actually help us cultivate a richer and I
Speaker 2: would say deeper in a world. Loneliness, let's get this straight.
Speaker 2: Like it is just a cue from your body, the
Speaker 2: same way that hunger is telling you it's time to fuel,
Speaker 2: it's time to eat first, is telling you it's time
Speaker 2: to drink. Fatigue, tiredness is telling you it's time to rest.
Speaker 2: Loneliness is telling you that it's time to connect, or
Speaker 2: it's time to sit with yourself and figure out why
Speaker 2: it is that you feel that way. It's also important
Speaker 2: to note that the more we excessively socialize, the higher
Speaker 2: our threshold for satisfying social connection becomes. The more we
Speaker 2: need kind of think about it this way. Right at
Speaker 2: high school, you saw your friends every single day, most likely,
Speaker 2: and one day apart felt really strange. When we get
Speaker 2: into our twenties, especially our later twenties, our level and
Speaker 2: our capacity for seeing other people naturally goes down a bit.
Speaker 2: But if you have become if it's become very difficult
Speaker 2: for you to spend time alone, if you're so used
Speaker 2: to having people around you constantly, the more that you
Speaker 2: sustain the urge to like book out your calendars, to
Speaker 2: always be around people, to never have a moment for yourself,
Speaker 2: the less you're able to tolerate the times when you
Speaker 2: do have to enjoy your own company. You know there
Speaker 2: will be periods in life where you are lonely, but
Speaker 2: if you have never given yourself the opportunit to feel
Speaker 2: that way, to adjust to that situation, to embrace being
Speaker 2: a bit of a loner, a happy loaner for some time,
Speaker 2: when you do eventually find yourself in that period in
Speaker 2: that chapter, in that season of loneliness, it's going to
Speaker 2: be so much more difficult. I think on a more
Speaker 2: general level, we also fail to kind of appreciate the
Speaker 2: value of our company because of societal and cultural expectations
Speaker 2: that really emphasize the importance of social connection. And it
Speaker 2: is really important, right. This isn't like a denial of
Speaker 2: the value of friendship or the value of having somebody
Speaker 2: to talk to or having somebody to catch up with.
Speaker 2: It's more so that with our increasingly busy lifestyles and
Speaker 2: the constant barriage of like stimulation from technology, it can
Speaker 2: make it really difficult to slow down and actually enjoy
Speaker 2: solitude because we have and we tend to equate being
Speaker 2: alone with being bored and being unproductive, which are things
Speaker 2: that as humans we're not quite you know, we're not
Speaker 2: very good at managing. Those are not feelings that we're
Speaker 2: readily going to accept as part of our lives. So
Speaker 2: this really leads me to my main point really at
Speaker 2: the center of all this, at the core in this
Speaker 2: day and age, when distraction is the easiest thing you
Speaker 2: can do, when you really never have to experience silence
Speaker 2: or solitude if you don't want to falling in love
Speaker 2: with your own company is one of the most radical
Speaker 2: acts of self compassion and growth that we can find.
Speaker 2: It isn't the easiest thing to do. It isn't you know,
Speaker 2: the funnest thing to do always to like stay in
Speaker 2: and journal or paint or read on a Saturday night,
Speaker 2: to go to the movies alone, to go for a
Speaker 2: walk on your own. It does require sacrifice and it
Speaker 2: does require discipline, let's not deny that. But the way
Speaker 2: you get to know yourself, and I mean really know
Speaker 2: yourself when all the screens are off, when it's just
Speaker 2: you and your own space, I think that's really quite profound.
Speaker 2: And it is awful at first as you kind of
Speaker 2: work through the discomfort, and then it's magical and you'll
Speaker 2: just find that you're kind of addicted to your own company,
Speaker 2: that it actually is your first choice most diets. And
Speaker 2: I think that it's then that we really get to
Speaker 2: see the benefits. And I want to talk about those
Speaker 2: for a second. So when a group of researchers sat
Speaker 2: down to have a look into this, they wanted to
Speaker 2: observe people who actively spent more time in their own
Speaker 2: company compared to those who either shy away from it
Speaker 2: or who just don't have the opportunity these people have kids.
Speaker 2: Another example was people who worked in the military or
Speaker 2: in the navy, so they go away for like three
Speaker 2: six months at a time, they're constantly surrounded by others,
Speaker 2: people in door rooms. Those are just a few examples.
Speaker 2: And then they compared them to the people who, like
Speaker 2: we said, really prioritized just able to spend more time alone.
Speaker 2: So the people who had more space and time for
Speaker 2: themselves displayed a greater level of introspection, they valued their
Speaker 2: independence more, and they were more creative. The creativity aspect
Speaker 2: is actually something I'm really drawn to. I'm really attracted
Speaker 2: by that element of this argument. I remember when I
Speaker 2: was going through this period of loneliness and isolation I
Speaker 2: was just speaking about, especially when I first moved to Sydney.
Speaker 2: I had never been more creative. I was painting on
Speaker 2: my nights off. I was journaling like crazy. Some of
Speaker 2: my most beautiful entries ever were then were written in
Speaker 2: those moments of solitude, because there really was only so
Speaker 2: much like TV I could watch, There was only so
Speaker 2: much scrolling I could do before I actually wanted to
Speaker 2: do something productive and expressive. You have this uninterrupted focus
Speaker 2: when you value your own company, you have also the
Speaker 2: mental space for daydreaming and for letting your imagination run off.
Speaker 2: It's why so many authors go on like these solo
Speaker 2: retreats or trips to finish their manuscripts, to finish their books,
Speaker 2: because alone time is so important for our creativity to thrive.
Speaker 2: So that is the main argument. I think, more introspection,
Speaker 2: more independence, more creativity. The other huge benefit of falling
Speaker 2: in love with your own company is that you don't
Speaker 2: let others define you and the experiences that you have.
Speaker 2: I think when we become to reliant on others for
Speaker 2: a sense of validation or excitement to fill the empty
Speaker 2: space we have in our days, perhaps out of a
Speaker 2: fear of boredom or loneliness, it actually gives them a
Speaker 2: lot of power over us in our decision making. Now,
Speaker 2: it's not that they are necessarily going to exploit that power,
Speaker 2: it's not that they're manipulating it. It's just that, involuntarily
Speaker 2: they have an impact on our emotions because of how
Speaker 2: much we tie our sense of self and our mood
Speaker 2: to when we're able to see people and their availability
Speaker 2: and the access that we have to them. If we
Speaker 2: don't see people enough we can really notice huge changes
Speaker 2: in our emotions and in our kind of mental wellbeing,
Speaker 2: Whereas when we value our own company, it doesn't really
Speaker 2: matter if people cancel plans, it doesn't matter if they're
Speaker 2: busy or they're caught up with work, because hanging out
Speaker 2: with ourselves is like an equally good alternative. The other
Speaker 2: aspect of this is our ability to do things alone.
Speaker 2: There are a lot of things that we have in
Speaker 2: our bucket list, a lot of things that we wanted
Speaker 2: to that, let's be honest, we would never consider doing
Speaker 2: by ourselves. You know, traveling solo is a big example,
Speaker 2: but then on a smaller level, going to the movies alone,
Speaker 2: going to a gig by yourself, going to that new restaurant.
Speaker 2: Those are things that we often want the company of
Speaker 2: others to do, but there is so much joy in
Speaker 2: having those experiences by yourself. I also think that when
Speaker 2: we can't tolerate doing those alone because we're I don't know,
Speaker 2: maybe embarrassed or whatnot, often that means that we miss out.
Speaker 2: We don't see those things, we don't have those experiences,
Speaker 2: we don't go to those places that we want to
Speaker 2: go because we can't do it without somebody else there,
Speaker 2: and therefore it's kind of like your experience is are
Speaker 2: determined based on somebody else's presence, and unless you are
Speaker 2: blessed to have a lot of yes friends, I think
Speaker 2: that you know, if you're always waiting for somebody else
Speaker 2: to think it's a good idea or to come with you,
Speaker 2: or you're trying to sell them on it, what you're
Speaker 2: actually doing is determining your experiences, yet again, based on
Speaker 2: whether somebody else can come with you, rather than based
Speaker 2: on whether you just want to go, rather than based
Speaker 2: on just whether you know that you're going to have
Speaker 2: fun and you can do it alone. I think the
Speaker 2: final reason that we have to learn to fall in
Speaker 2: love with our own company, especially in our twenties right now,
Speaker 2: is because it is so protective. Now. I spoke about
Speaker 2: this a little bit before, but there will come a
Speaker 2: time when you are alone, when a relationship ends, when
Speaker 2: your friends are all busy or away, and if we
Speaker 2: have never practiced being happy in those circumstances when nobody
Speaker 2: else is present, those times in our lives can be
Speaker 2: particularly agonizing because we don't know what to do with ourselves.
Speaker 2: I often think that our fear of being alone and
Speaker 2: our inability to appreciate the freedom and joy of our
Speaker 2: own company sometimes keeps us in relationships we know aren't working,
Speaker 2: just because we are so reliant on others to make
Speaker 2: us feel seen or to fight off our fear of
Speaker 2: solitude or boredom. But you know, the thing is is
Speaker 2: that when that relationship is failing, when you know that
Speaker 2: you can't be with that person, when the spark is gone,
Speaker 2: when the romance is gone, what if we can't leave
Speaker 2: because we're just too afraid of being alone? You know?
Speaker 2: I often think people question like, why do people stay?
Speaker 2: Why don't they just dump him? Why don't they just
Speaker 2: move on with their lives? I think a fear of
Speaker 2: being alone and all of that empty time and empty
Speaker 2: space is what's keeping us in those relationships. It's kind
Speaker 2: of like, what kind of thoughts am I going to
Speaker 2: have when this person isn't there to drown them out?
Speaker 2: What have I been ignoring in my life that is
Speaker 2: going to come to the surface. What fears do I
Speaker 2: finally have to confront when I am laying in bed alone,
Speaker 2: when I am sitting on my couch on a Friday
Speaker 2: night and there is nobody there to distract me. The
Speaker 2: antidote to that fear is knowing that you're never going
Speaker 2: to be alone in your own mind. You have millions, billions,
Speaker 2: kadrillions of neural connections and pathways and memories and secret
Speaker 2: corners to experience that are always accessible to you. You
Speaker 2: have this rich inner world that is just for you,
Speaker 2: and that is so wonderful. You can make yourself laugh,
Speaker 2: you can bring yourself immense happiness and joy. You can
Speaker 2: be curious and kind to yourself. You can make life
Speaker 2: interesting on your own and it's fascinating. Actually. Just to
Speaker 2: bring in another psychological theory here into this, that we
Speaker 2: often tend to value the things we own or which
Speaker 2: are ours, more than the things that we don't when
Speaker 2: it comes to our material possessions. So it's a bias
Speaker 2: called the endowment effect. To say, for example, you have
Speaker 2: a pair of shoes that you absolutely love, and you
Speaker 2: bought them for seventy dollars, but for you they're worth
Speaker 2: like one hundred, right, So somebody could be like, I'll
Speaker 2: buy them for eighty, which is more than you bought
Speaker 2: them for. But for you, because you own them, because
Speaker 2: they're special to you, they're worth more. But our brain
Speaker 2: is so weird. It acts one way in one circumstance
Speaker 2: and then contradicts itself in the next. We don't seem
Speaker 2: to value our own company as much as we value others, right,
Speaker 2: So it's kind of like, Okay, would you pay fifty
Speaker 2: dollars to hang out with yourself or one hundred dollars
Speaker 2: to hang out with your friends? People are always like, well,
Speaker 2: I want to hang out with my friends, even though
Speaker 2: our own company is the thing that we should feel
Speaker 2: is the most valuable. Once again, though, you can rewire
Speaker 2: your brain into prioritizing those solo experiences, that alone time
Speaker 2: through like intentional behaviors and practices. So that's what I
Speaker 2: want to discuss next. What are the actual ways, practical,
Speaker 2: tangible ways we can fall in love with our own
Speaker 2: company and really embrace all the things that we can
Speaker 2: give ourselves. Well, we're going to talk about all of
Speaker 2: that and more after this shortbreak. Whether our alone time
Speaker 2: is voluntary so we are intentionally prioritizing our solitude or involuntary.
Speaker 2: You know, you really wish you were hanging out with people,
Speaker 2: but you found yourself alone for the evening or in
Speaker 2: a period of disconnect, you're not going to come out
Speaker 2: of the gates. I think enjoying your own company. If
Speaker 2: it's not something that you're used to, you have to
Speaker 2: treat it like a ritual, like an almost kind of
Speaker 2: like a spiritual experience, or a thing that you do
Speaker 2: for your well being. The same way that you find
Speaker 2: time during your week to see your friends or you
Speaker 2: find time to exercise, you need to find time to
Speaker 2: be alone. The easiest way to do this is to
Speaker 2: choose either one evening or like a chunk on the weekends,
Speaker 2: a morning and afternoon that is reserved just for you.
Speaker 2: It's like you have a stand up meeting with yourself
Speaker 2: each week that you can't shift, sorry to everybody else
Speaker 2: you have plans. It's non negotiable. For me. I normally
Speaker 2: take Monday evenings to myself because I feel like my
Speaker 2: social battery has already been like spiked by the weekend.
Speaker 2: Mondays are normally my busiest day because it's when I
Speaker 2: record podcast literally what I'm doing right now, and so
Speaker 2: I take the night for me. I have an established routine.
Speaker 2: I always go to the gym and then I listen
Speaker 2: to my favorite podcast is American Life. They drop the
Speaker 2: new episodes on Monday, so I listened to that. Then
Speaker 2: I go to the sauna, which, okay, I'm gonna be honest.
Speaker 2: The sauna at my gym smells at the moment, and
Speaker 2: there's like a cockroach infestation. But you know, after a while,
Speaker 2: I can't tell whether it's your sweat or somebody else's,
Speaker 2: so it's not that gross anyways, okay, Tangent. I then
Speaker 2: do my everything shower, I make myself like my favorite meal,
Speaker 2: it's like the sweet potato salad, and I watch Modern
Speaker 2: Family or whatever show I'm on at the moment. And
Speaker 2: at eight o'clock, this is crucial, I switch off and
Speaker 2: I choose to do something that is going to fill
Speaker 2: my cup that is not passive normally. That is something
Speaker 2: like reading or journaling or painting. And I put music
Speaker 2: on my record player and I just let myself sit
Speaker 2: there for a bit, you know, if I don't need
Speaker 2: to be like constantly writing or reading. Sometimes I just
Speaker 2: honestly sit on my couch and just stare into space,
Speaker 2: and I let myself daydream and I let my mind wander.
Speaker 2: There's no one waiting on me, there's nothing to do,
Speaker 2: there's no one I need to call, because this is
Speaker 2: like the time that I've reserved for me within that.
Speaker 2: What you may have noticed is that everything I do
Speaker 2: is something I actually like doing. It's my favorite podcast,
Speaker 2: my favorite meal, my favorite show, my favorite activity. That's
Speaker 2: because enjoying your own company, as simple as it sounds,
Speaker 2: means actually doing something you enjoy while you're at it,
Speaker 2: and equally doing something that is actually nourishing. You might
Speaker 2: think that you're spending alone time and enjoying your own
Speaker 2: company when you're doing your laundry or at the grocery store,
Speaker 2: and it is still really valuable time, but it's not necessarily,
Speaker 2: you know, meaningful time. It's labor, it's chores, unless you're
Speaker 2: someone whose hobby is cleaning. I think there is a
Speaker 2: difference between really like consciously being like, this is going
Speaker 2: to be a time and an evening where I feel
Speaker 2: my own cub and this is just like an activity
Speaker 2: that I just have to do alone, so let's just
Speaker 2: call it my alone time. I think the same way
Speaker 2: that you would really want to spend quality time with
Speaker 2: your friends or your boyfriend or your girlfriend, you need
Speaker 2: to do the same with yourself. If your entire relationship,
Speaker 2: you know, with your partner, for example, consisted of sitting
Speaker 2: in front of the TV or lying in bed and
Speaker 2: scrolling mindlessly on TikTok next to each other. That is
Speaker 2: not quality time with your partner. Your relationship would suffer.
Speaker 2: You never would really connect or deepen your bond because
Speaker 2: you're distracted, you're doing something mindless. So why do you
Speaker 2: expect the relationship you have with yourself to not suffer
Speaker 2: if you're doing the same thing. If every time you
Speaker 2: have a moment to yourself or an afternoon with no plans,
Speaker 2: you spend it in a way that is quite passive
Speaker 2: or draining. Now this isn't to say that sometimes we
Speaker 2: don't benefit from just brain rot. Like my boyfriend calls
Speaker 2: it scratching his lizard brain when we just we've had
Speaker 2: a hellish day, work has been really tough. We just
Speaker 2: want to switch off for a second and watch like
Speaker 2: some garbage TV. That is honestly so valuable. But if
Speaker 2: that becomes your norm, the status quo of how you
Speaker 2: spend time with yourself, I think you're missing out on
Speaker 2: some of the other really rich and deep experiences and
Speaker 2: things that you can do during that period that would
Speaker 2: be maybe more valuable. So this brings me to this exercise.
Speaker 2: This idea, this concept of ritualizing your alone time so
Speaker 2: that it's something that you are looking forward to. I
Speaker 2: have a friend who does this really, really well, and
Speaker 2: I have to give them a shout out in this
Speaker 2: episode because everybody that I have in my life, they
Speaker 2: spend their alone time the best. They love their own
Speaker 2: company the most. And the way that they have kind
Speaker 2: of learnt to do this because they weren't always like this,
Speaker 2: was to have a date night with themselves once a month.
Speaker 2: They choose a different Italian restaurant in Sydney. They get
Speaker 2: a glass of wine and they get a bowl of pasta,
Speaker 2: and of course they dress up for themselves because it's
Speaker 2: date night. You have to look nice, you have to
Speaker 2: play the part. And then they sit there on their
Speaker 2: own and they ask themselves the same five questions in
Speaker 2: like a specific journal they have just for this purpose.
Speaker 2: The five questions are what did I do today? And
Speaker 2: how am I feeling about myself? What's something I'm looking
Speaker 2: forward to, what's one thing that I've been proud of recently,
Speaker 2: what's on my mind? And what is one thing I
Speaker 2: want to change in the next month. I think that
Speaker 2: this is such a sweet practice to do to really
Speaker 2: like find time one evening in the next thirty days
Speaker 2: that's just for you where you were at the center.
Speaker 2: You are consciously thinking about your life. You are consciously
Speaker 2: dating yourself, spending time with yourself, being intentional about where
Speaker 2: you're going, but also kind of finding a way to
Speaker 2: I don't know, not worship yourself. I think that's successive,
Speaker 2: but celebrate who you are and your progress and what's
Speaker 2: going on, and it's just fun. Like it's actually really
Speaker 2: fun to just have this like little ritual that you
Speaker 2: do all for yourself, to dress up for yourself to
Speaker 2: go and just like kind of splurge on a nice
Speaker 2: meal the same way that you would do that for others.
Speaker 2: Right when you're dating people, when you're going to see
Speaker 2: your friends, you know you make time for them, that
Speaker 2: is quality time, You look nice for them, You spend
Speaker 2: more money than you want to for them. You can
Speaker 2: do that for yourself. Another way I think to really
Speaker 2: sync deep into your own company is to just do
Speaker 2: stuff alone even if no one wants to come with you.
Speaker 2: Now we spoke about this before, but if you want
Speaker 2: to see that movie, if you want to go to
Speaker 2: that comedy show, if you need to buy a New Janes.
Speaker 2: If you want to go out for breakfast and no
Speaker 2: one's around, great, you're around, You're free, Off you go.
Speaker 2: I think this feels quite awkward at first, especially when
Speaker 2: we become so accustomed to the presence and the noise
Speaker 2: of others in our lives. But I think that one
Speaker 2: thing that really does hold us back is thinking that
Speaker 2: we're going to be judged as well. I promise you
Speaker 2: no one is looking that closely, and even if they are,
Speaker 2: human memory is very fallible and it's very short, they
Speaker 2: aren't going to remember you. And to just add to that,
Speaker 2: the only time I think I've ever noticed people who
Speaker 2: are doing things alone, like at dinner alone, or at
Speaker 2: a cafe alone, at a movie alone, is when I've
Speaker 2: been thinking about how much I admire them for something
Speaker 2: that it's taken me years to do. I'm like, wow,
Speaker 2: you must be a really cool person, Like there's some
Speaker 2: really amazing power in this action that you're doing, in
Speaker 2: this choice. When you do feel the twinge of loneliness
Speaker 2: that I think is only human and natural, sometimes I
Speaker 2: think that it's important to take a moment to just
Speaker 2: notice it and to observe it, and I mean, make
Speaker 2: your loneliness like a physical presence, like a little character
Speaker 2: in your mind, or a butterfly in front of you,
Speaker 2: and just watch it move through your space. This like
Speaker 2: fluttering object. That's your loneliness. It's not going to hurt you.
Speaker 2: It's just there. It's just fluttering about. You don't have
Speaker 2: to respond or react, and eventually it will fly off
Speaker 2: and bother somebody else. If we squash anything that makes
Speaker 2: us skittish or fearful or uncomfortable, we shut off from
Speaker 2: a lot of the world. You lose out, like you
Speaker 2: genuinely do if you're always motivated by something that you fear,
Speaker 2: and that means that you avoid circumstances that would activate
Speaker 2: that fear. For example, you're afraid of feeling lonely, so
Speaker 2: you never take the risk to, I don't know, go
Speaker 2: to that country by yourself, or go out for dinner
Speaker 2: on your own. That's not doing the thing that's best
Speaker 2: for you. That's doing the thing that fear wants you
Speaker 2: to do. So Finally, instead of the fear of missing out,
Speaker 2: I think we need to switch to the joy of
Speaker 2: missing out. I'm sure you've heard this phrase before, but
Speaker 2: it's a concept that I love. It was originally introduced
Speaker 2: to me by Tanya Dalton. She's an author who wrote
Speaker 2: Like the Ultimate Guide on this. If you look her up,
Speaker 2: her book is amazing and Jomo the Joy of missing
Speaker 2: Out is basically like the emotionally intelligent and like mature
Speaker 2: antidote to FOMO, and it's essentially about being present and
Speaker 2: being content with where you're at in your life, focusing
Speaker 2: on what you gain by saying no to plans, by
Speaker 2: switching off, what you gain by ignoring the needs of others,
Speaker 2: and the need to compare and think about what you
Speaker 2: know everyone's expecting from you, and just really noticing how
Speaker 2: much peace it brings you to just do what you
Speaker 2: want to do. I think the older we get, the
Speaker 2: more we understand the joy of missing out, like as
Speaker 2: a concept, you know, we understand the joy of a
Speaker 2: friend canceling the plans that we made when we had
Speaker 2: a lot more energy, And we understand the joy of
Speaker 2: getting to set our own agenda, to choose what we
Speaker 2: want for dinner, what we want to do with our evenings,
Speaker 2: to choose to reply to messages when we want to,
Speaker 2: rather than feeling like we always have to be engaged
Speaker 2: and clocked in and locked in with other people. There
Speaker 2: is immense beauty in that, and there is also a
Speaker 2: lot of freedom. I think sometimes we think that if
Speaker 2: we're not constantly present with others that they'll somehow forget
Speaker 2: about you. Trust me, they weren't. They weren't a few
Speaker 2: missed evenings, a few rescheduled plans, a few times you
Speaker 2: say sorry, I can't make it. I actually think that
Speaker 2: it's going to do more for your friendship, right because
Speaker 2: the time that you do spend together is very much
Speaker 2: quality time. You're really engaged. You feel like your own
Speaker 2: cup is full, rather than kind of running on empty
Speaker 2: and feeling very much at the behest of your plans,
Speaker 2: feeling very much responsible to others rather than to yourself
Speaker 2: first and foremost. So I think the final reminder, the
Speaker 2: final thing to take from this is the relationship you
Speaker 2: have with yourself is your biggest investment, because it is
Speaker 2: the only one you will have alongside you your whole life.
Speaker 2: You are spending every single second with yourself. That might
Speaker 2: feel like quality time, but sometimes you really need to
Speaker 2: have a check in and be like, Okay, do I
Speaker 2: like where I'm at? Am I enjoying who I am
Speaker 2: when nobody else is around, can I find the fun
Speaker 2: in my own company? And my hope is is that
Speaker 2: firstly you see that that's a valuable thing, and secondly
Speaker 2: that you do find the joy and the love in
Speaker 2: your own company. So thank you so much for listening
Speaker 2: to today's episode. I actually hope that you've got something
Speaker 2: out of this. I hope that it's convinced you or
Speaker 2: persuaded you to adopt these rituals and this technique and
Speaker 2: this appreciation for yourself, because you're a lot of fun,
Speaker 2: and you can have fun with yourself, and you can
Speaker 2: laugh at yourself, and you can bring joy to your
Speaker 2: own life without needing other people. As always, if you
Speaker 2: did enjoy this episode, share it with a friend and
Speaker 2: make sure that you're following along by hitting that follow
Speaker 2: button on Spotify or Apple podcast wherever you are listening.
Speaker 2: It really does help the show grow, so as leaving
Speaker 2: a five star rating, it helps other people find us,
Speaker 2: it helps expand the community, and it helps me out.
Speaker 2: So if you do get joy out of this, if
Speaker 2: it is part of the ritual that you have for
Speaker 2: spending time alone or just part of your daily life,
Speaker 2: I would really really appreciate it. And as always, we
Speaker 2: are always looking for new ideas, episodes, suggestions, feedback, discussions, contributions.
Speaker 2: Over on Instagram, you can follow us at that Psychology Podcast.
Speaker 2: We would obviously love to hear from you, and until then,
Speaker 2: until our next episode, stay safe, be kind to yourself,
Speaker 2: and we will talk soon