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Speaker 1: Hello everybody, and welcome back to the Psychology of Your Twenties,

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Speaker 1: the podcast where we talk through some of the big

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Speaker 1: life changes and transitions of our twenties and what they

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Speaker 1: mean for our psychology.

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Speaker 2: Hello everybody, Welcome back to the show. Welcome back to

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Speaker 2: the podcast, new listeners, old listeners, wherever you are in

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Speaker 2: the world. I am so glad to have you here

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Speaker 2: for an episode for a topic I'm really really passionate about.

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Speaker 2: It is possibly one of my strongest opinions. I don't

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Speaker 2: even think it's a controversial one. I want to talk

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Speaker 2: about why I believe so deeply that one of the

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Speaker 2: best things we can do in our twenties is fall

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Speaker 2: in love with our own company, and I want to

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Speaker 2: talk about why that is, but more specifically, how we

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Speaker 2: can do that, especially in a world where we are

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Speaker 2: more addicted to social contact and engagement stimulation than ever before.

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Speaker 2: When I think actually having a moment of true solitude

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Speaker 2: is increasingly rare, it's still very much possible, and I

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Speaker 2: think it's a necessity if you want to deepen the

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Speaker 2: relationship that you have with yourself and as a result,

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Speaker 2: the people around you. Honestly, I think every aspect of

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Speaker 2: your life becomes more defined and sharper and intentional when

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Speaker 2: we value our own free time and our own company,

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Speaker 2: and we see that space and that time being alone

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Speaker 2: with ourselves as a source of peace, as a source

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Speaker 2: of contemplation and growth, rather than just as empty space

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Speaker 2: that we need to fill with social commitments, with work,

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Speaker 2: with anything of the sort. I think it comes back

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Speaker 2: to that very core foundational philosophy we have on the

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Speaker 2: show that the relationship you have with yourself is your

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Speaker 2: biggest and most important investment, and when you neglect it,

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Speaker 2: I think everything else in your life tends to suffer

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Speaker 2: as well. No one can sustain you can know you

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Speaker 2: like you know yourself, and so you have to make

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Speaker 2: that relationship a priority, even when it's not easy, even

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Speaker 2: when it's not convenient, even when it doesn't come naturally

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Speaker 2: to you. So I have always had, I think, a

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Speaker 2: really complicated relationship with loneliness, just to get vulnerable for

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Speaker 2: a second. And I think it really stems, quite honestly,

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Speaker 2: from being bullied as a child. I was a really

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Speaker 2: strange kid. I didn't have many friends. I was always

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Speaker 2: kind of made to play like the villain character when

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Speaker 2: we were playing make believe. I was a bit shy.

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Speaker 2: I was just a bit different, which is something that

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Speaker 2: I love now because I think weird kids turn into

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Speaker 2: interesting adults. But because there was this whole period in

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Speaker 2: my young dad years, in my formative years, where I

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Speaker 2: never quite felt like I belonged. I knew what it

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Speaker 2: felt like to be quite lonely from a young age,

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Speaker 2: and I did get really comfortable with my own company.

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Speaker 2: It was like kind of a bit of a superpower

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Speaker 2: for myself. As sad as it sounds, right like, you know,

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Speaker 2: I get that, it's very kind of get sad, like

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Speaker 2: you didn't have enough friends, so you had to be

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Speaker 2: your own best friend. And I really actually valued that

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Speaker 2: about myself. But when I got to UNI, I've spoken

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Speaker 2: about this before, but I really met my people. I

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Speaker 2: got to meet the people I still call my best

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Speaker 2: friends even now, And of course it was like the

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Speaker 2: best thing ever. This is what I always wanted. But

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Speaker 2: because this was such a new experience to constantly have

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Speaker 2: people I wanted to be around who made my life

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Speaker 2: so much better, who were really tied to me at

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Speaker 2: the hip, for a long time, I kind of forgot

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Speaker 2: how to be alone. You know, that survival skill that

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Speaker 2: protective mechanism. I developed a valuing my own company was

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Speaker 2: no longer useful in this situation, so I neglected it,

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Speaker 2: and eventually it was something that I had to relearn,

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Speaker 2: especially as I transitioned kind of out of my early

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Speaker 2: twenties when I was at UNI and I was surrounded

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Speaker 2: by people all the time to the situation I'm in

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Speaker 2: now where I was working full time. I moved to

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Speaker 2: a new city where I didn't have as many friends.

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Speaker 2: I was suddenly single as well. It felt so similar

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Speaker 2: to how I had felt as a child, but I

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Speaker 2: had lost my coping skill. I had lost I think

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Speaker 2: the reverence and the joy I felt in my own company,

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Speaker 2: and I really kind of began to notice that the

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Speaker 2: reason this was so difficult this transitionary period was because

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Speaker 2: for the last three or four years before that time,

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Speaker 2: I hadn't really put any effort into the relationship I

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Speaker 2: had with myself. I was always prioritizing time and experiences

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Speaker 2: with others, and it eventually came at my detriment. I

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Speaker 2: think as a generation, all of us included, we have

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Speaker 2: a hard time spending time alone for a few reasons.

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Speaker 2: The biggest contributor is fomo. The infamous fear of missing out,

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Speaker 2: and the fear of missing out is twofold. Firstly, it

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Speaker 2: involves a perception followed by compulsion, So we really tend

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Speaker 2: to exaggerate the quality and the fun we think everybody

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Speaker 2: else is having without us. So in those moments when

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Speaker 2: we're not present, we really tend to expand what we

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Speaker 2: think other people are experiencing, and we tend to make

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Speaker 2: it seem a lot bigger and more golden and colorful

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Speaker 2: than it actually is. And this results in us never

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Speaker 2: wanting to miss an event, never wanting to be without

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Speaker 2: plans or excluded, which is a compulsion, right. We are

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Speaker 2: kind of compelled to constantly be engaged and constantly be involved,

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Speaker 2: almost as a way to soothe that fear that we're

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Speaker 2: missing out. Now, it should be noted that this term

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Speaker 2: fomo was first introduced in two thousand and four, that

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Speaker 2: is the same year that Facebook launched, and it began

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Speaker 2: to really take off in the early twenty tens as

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Speaker 2: a direct consequence of this increasing uptake of social media

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Speaker 2: and the opportunities it provided for people to constantly see

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Speaker 2: what others were up to and to compare that to

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Speaker 2: their own days and their own lives now more than ever.

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Speaker 2: At this point in society, we are exposed to so

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Speaker 2: many details, intimate details about what others are doing, and

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Speaker 2: that means that we're faced with this continuous uncertainty about

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Speaker 2: whether we're doing enough, whether we are getting enough social connection,

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Speaker 2: whether we know as many people as we should, whether

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Speaker 2: our friendships are as successful as we would want them

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Speaker 2: to be. So I think it kind of makes socializing

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Speaker 2: quite competitive. And if our aim is to always be

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Speaker 2: as busy as the next person and never let those

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Speaker 2: negative feelings of fomo into our lives, then we do

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Speaker 2: really deprive ourselves of the opportunity and the beauty of

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Speaker 2: cherishing our alone time. Researchers also believe that fomo makes

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Speaker 2: us particularly attuned to feelings of social rejection, whether that

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Speaker 2: social rejection is perceived or real. And we know that

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Speaker 2: on a psychological and emotional level that the pain of

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Speaker 2: rejection really mimics the same kind of discomfort we feel

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Speaker 2: in response to physical, physically painful stimuli and injury. So

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Speaker 2: we want to avoid it. But missing out on plans

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Speaker 2: won't ruin your life. It won't immobilize you the same

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Speaker 2: way that a broken arm or a fraction leg will.

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Speaker 2: If you are someone who freaks out at not having

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Speaker 2: plans on a Saturday night or spending even a single

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Speaker 2: evening alone, I think it's really time to consider whether

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Speaker 2: this is actually genuine loneliness, whether you actually need more

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Speaker 2: social connection, or whether it's fomo and you just need

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Speaker 2: to reframe your relationship with your own company. I think

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Speaker 2: it also comes down to the fact that as a

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Speaker 2: society we just don't have a healthy relationship with loneliness.

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Speaker 2: We see it as something to avoid, We stigmatize it,

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Speaker 2: we fear it, rather than actually holding space for it

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Speaker 2: in our lives and recognizing what it firstly has to

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Speaker 2: teach us, secondly how universal it is, and thirdly how

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Speaker 2: it can actually help us cultivate a richer and I

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Speaker 2: would say deeper in a world. Loneliness, let's get this straight.

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Speaker 2: Like it is just a cue from your body, the

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Speaker 2: same way that hunger is telling you it's time to fuel,

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Speaker 2: it's time to eat first, is telling you it's time

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Speaker 2: to drink. Fatigue, tiredness is telling you it's time to rest.

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Speaker 2: Loneliness is telling you that it's time to connect, or

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Speaker 2: it's time to sit with yourself and figure out why

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Speaker 2: it is that you feel that way. It's also important

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Speaker 2: to note that the more we excessively socialize, the higher

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Speaker 2: our threshold for satisfying social connection becomes. The more we

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Speaker 2: need kind of think about it this way. Right at

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Speaker 2: high school, you saw your friends every single day, most likely,

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Speaker 2: and one day apart felt really strange. When we get

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Speaker 2: into our twenties, especially our later twenties, our level and

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Speaker 2: our capacity for seeing other people naturally goes down a bit.

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Speaker 2: But if you have become if it's become very difficult

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Speaker 2: for you to spend time alone, if you're so used

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Speaker 2: to having people around you constantly, the more that you

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Speaker 2: sustain the urge to like book out your calendars, to

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Speaker 2: always be around people, to never have a moment for yourself,

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Speaker 2: the less you're able to tolerate the times when you

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Speaker 2: do have to enjoy your own company. You know there

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Speaker 2: will be periods in life where you are lonely, but

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Speaker 2: if you have never given yourself the opportunit to feel

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Speaker 2: that way, to adjust to that situation, to embrace being

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Speaker 2: a bit of a loner, a happy loaner for some time,

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Speaker 2: when you do eventually find yourself in that period in

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Speaker 2: that chapter, in that season of loneliness, it's going to

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Speaker 2: be so much more difficult. I think on a more

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Speaker 2: general level, we also fail to kind of appreciate the

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Speaker 2: value of our company because of societal and cultural expectations

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Speaker 2: that really emphasize the importance of social connection. And it

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Speaker 2: is really important, right. This isn't like a denial of

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Speaker 2: the value of friendship or the value of having somebody

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Speaker 2: to talk to or having somebody to catch up with.

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Speaker 2: It's more so that with our increasingly busy lifestyles and

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Speaker 2: the constant barriage of like stimulation from technology, it can

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Speaker 2: make it really difficult to slow down and actually enjoy

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Speaker 2: solitude because we have and we tend to equate being

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Speaker 2: alone with being bored and being unproductive, which are things

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Speaker 2: that as humans we're not quite you know, we're not

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Speaker 2: very good at managing. Those are not feelings that we're

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Speaker 2: readily going to accept as part of our lives. So

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Speaker 2: this really leads me to my main point really at

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Speaker 2: the center of all this, at the core in this

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Speaker 2: day and age, when distraction is the easiest thing you

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Speaker 2: can do, when you really never have to experience silence

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Speaker 2: or solitude if you don't want to falling in love

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Speaker 2: with your own company is one of the most radical

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Speaker 2: acts of self compassion and growth that we can find.

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Speaker 2: It isn't the easiest thing to do. It isn't you know,

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Speaker 2: the funnest thing to do always to like stay in

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Speaker 2: and journal or paint or read on a Saturday night,

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Speaker 2: to go to the movies alone, to go for a

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Speaker 2: walk on your own. It does require sacrifice and it

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Speaker 2: does require discipline, let's not deny that. But the way

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Speaker 2: you get to know yourself, and I mean really know

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Speaker 2: yourself when all the screens are off, when it's just

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Speaker 2: you and your own space, I think that's really quite profound.

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Speaker 2: And it is awful at first as you kind of

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Speaker 2: work through the discomfort, and then it's magical and you'll

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Speaker 2: just find that you're kind of addicted to your own company,

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Speaker 2: that it actually is your first choice most diets. And

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Speaker 2: I think that it's then that we really get to

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Speaker 2: see the benefits. And I want to talk about those

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Speaker 2: for a second. So when a group of researchers sat

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Speaker 2: down to have a look into this, they wanted to

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Speaker 2: observe people who actively spent more time in their own

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Speaker 2: company compared to those who either shy away from it

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Speaker 2: or who just don't have the opportunity these people have kids.

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Speaker 2: Another example was people who worked in the military or

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Speaker 2: in the navy, so they go away for like three

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Speaker 2: six months at a time, they're constantly surrounded by others,

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Speaker 2: people in door rooms. Those are just a few examples.

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Speaker 2: And then they compared them to the people who, like

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Speaker 2: we said, really prioritized just able to spend more time alone.

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Speaker 2: So the people who had more space and time for

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Speaker 2: themselves displayed a greater level of introspection, they valued their

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Speaker 2: independence more, and they were more creative. The creativity aspect

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Speaker 2: is actually something I'm really drawn to. I'm really attracted

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Speaker 2: by that element of this argument. I remember when I

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Speaker 2: was going through this period of loneliness and isolation I

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Speaker 2: was just speaking about, especially when I first moved to Sydney.

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Speaker 2: I had never been more creative. I was painting on

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Speaker 2: my nights off. I was journaling like crazy. Some of

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Speaker 2: my most beautiful entries ever were then were written in

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Speaker 2: those moments of solitude, because there really was only so

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Speaker 2: much like TV I could watch, There was only so

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Speaker 2: much scrolling I could do before I actually wanted to

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Speaker 2: do something productive and expressive. You have this uninterrupted focus

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Speaker 2: when you value your own company, you have also the

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Speaker 2: mental space for daydreaming and for letting your imagination run off.

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Speaker 2: It's why so many authors go on like these solo

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Speaker 2: retreats or trips to finish their manuscripts, to finish their books,

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Speaker 2: because alone time is so important for our creativity to thrive.

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Speaker 2: So that is the main argument. I think, more introspection,

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Speaker 2: more independence, more creativity. The other huge benefit of falling

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Speaker 2: in love with your own company is that you don't

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Speaker 2: let others define you and the experiences that you have.

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Speaker 2: I think when we become to reliant on others for

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Speaker 2: a sense of validation or excitement to fill the empty

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Speaker 2: space we have in our days, perhaps out of a

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Speaker 2: fear of boredom or loneliness, it actually gives them a

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Speaker 2: lot of power over us in our decision making. Now,

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Speaker 2: it's not that they are necessarily going to exploit that power,

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Speaker 2: it's not that they're manipulating it. It's just that, involuntarily

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Speaker 2: they have an impact on our emotions because of how

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Speaker 2: much we tie our sense of self and our mood

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Speaker 2: to when we're able to see people and their availability

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Speaker 2: and the access that we have to them. If we

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Speaker 2: don't see people enough we can really notice huge changes

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Speaker 2: in our emotions and in our kind of mental wellbeing,

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Speaker 2: Whereas when we value our own company, it doesn't really

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Speaker 2: matter if people cancel plans, it doesn't matter if they're

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Speaker 2: busy or they're caught up with work, because hanging out

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Speaker 2: with ourselves is like an equally good alternative. The other

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Speaker 2: aspect of this is our ability to do things alone.

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Speaker 2: There are a lot of things that we have in

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Speaker 2: our bucket list, a lot of things that we wanted

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Speaker 2: to that, let's be honest, we would never consider doing

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Speaker 2: by ourselves. You know, traveling solo is a big example,

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Speaker 2: but then on a smaller level, going to the movies alone,

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Speaker 2: going to a gig by yourself, going to that new restaurant.

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Speaker 2: Those are things that we often want the company of

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Speaker 2: others to do, but there is so much joy in

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Speaker 2: having those experiences by yourself. I also think that when

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Speaker 2: we can't tolerate doing those alone because we're I don't know,

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Speaker 2: maybe embarrassed or whatnot, often that means that we miss out.

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Speaker 2: We don't see those things, we don't have those experiences,

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Speaker 2: we don't go to those places that we want to

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Speaker 2: go because we can't do it without somebody else there,

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Speaker 2: and therefore it's kind of like your experience is are

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Speaker 2: determined based on somebody else's presence, and unless you are

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Speaker 2: blessed to have a lot of yes friends, I think

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Speaker 2: that you know, if you're always waiting for somebody else

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Speaker 2: to think it's a good idea or to come with you,

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Speaker 2: or you're trying to sell them on it, what you're

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Speaker 2: actually doing is determining your experiences, yet again, based on

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Speaker 2: whether somebody else can come with you, rather than based

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Speaker 2: on whether you just want to go, rather than based

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Speaker 2: on just whether you know that you're going to have

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Speaker 2: fun and you can do it alone. I think the

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Speaker 2: final reason that we have to learn to fall in

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Speaker 2: love with our own company, especially in our twenties right now,

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Speaker 2: is because it is so protective. Now. I spoke about

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Speaker 2: this a little bit before, but there will come a

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Speaker 2: time when you are alone, when a relationship ends, when

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Speaker 2: your friends are all busy or away, and if we

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Speaker 2: have never practiced being happy in those circumstances when nobody

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Speaker 2: else is present, those times in our lives can be

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Speaker 2: particularly agonizing because we don't know what to do with ourselves.

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Speaker 2: I often think that our fear of being alone and

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Speaker 2: our inability to appreciate the freedom and joy of our

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Speaker 2: own company sometimes keeps us in relationships we know aren't working,

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Speaker 2: just because we are so reliant on others to make

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Speaker 2: us feel seen or to fight off our fear of

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Speaker 2: solitude or boredom. But you know, the thing is is

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Speaker 2: that when that relationship is failing, when you know that

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Speaker 2: you can't be with that person, when the spark is gone,

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Speaker 2: when the romance is gone, what if we can't leave

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Speaker 2: because we're just too afraid of being alone? You know?

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Speaker 2: I often think people question like, why do people stay?

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Speaker 2: Why don't they just dump him? Why don't they just

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Speaker 2: move on with their lives? I think a fear of

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Speaker 2: being alone and all of that empty time and empty

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Speaker 2: space is what's keeping us in those relationships. It's kind

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Speaker 2: of like, what kind of thoughts am I going to

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Speaker 2: have when this person isn't there to drown them out?

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Speaker 2: What have I been ignoring in my life that is

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Speaker 2: going to come to the surface. What fears do I

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Speaker 2: finally have to confront when I am laying in bed alone,

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Speaker 2: when I am sitting on my couch on a Friday

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Speaker 2: night and there is nobody there to distract me. The

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Speaker 2: antidote to that fear is knowing that you're never going

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Speaker 2: to be alone in your own mind. You have millions, billions,

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Speaker 2: kadrillions of neural connections and pathways and memories and secret

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Speaker 2: corners to experience that are always accessible to you. You

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Speaker 2: have this rich inner world that is just for you,

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Speaker 2: and that is so wonderful. You can make yourself laugh,

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Speaker 2: you can bring yourself immense happiness and joy. You can

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Speaker 2: be curious and kind to yourself. You can make life

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Speaker 2: interesting on your own and it's fascinating. Actually. Just to

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Speaker 2: bring in another psychological theory here into this, that we

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Speaker 2: often tend to value the things we own or which

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Speaker 2: are ours, more than the things that we don't when

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Speaker 2: it comes to our material possessions. So it's a bias

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Speaker 2: called the endowment effect. To say, for example, you have

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Speaker 2: a pair of shoes that you absolutely love, and you

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Speaker 2: bought them for seventy dollars, but for you they're worth

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Speaker 2: like one hundred, right, So somebody could be like, I'll

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Speaker 2: buy them for eighty, which is more than you bought

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Speaker 2: them for. But for you, because you own them, because

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Speaker 2: they're special to you, they're worth more. But our brain

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Speaker 2: is so weird. It acts one way in one circumstance

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Speaker 2: and then contradicts itself in the next. We don't seem

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Speaker 2: to value our own company as much as we value others, right,

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Speaker 2: So it's kind of like, Okay, would you pay fifty

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Speaker 2: dollars to hang out with yourself or one hundred dollars

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Speaker 2: to hang out with your friends? People are always like, well,

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Speaker 2: I want to hang out with my friends, even though

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Speaker 2: our own company is the thing that we should feel

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Speaker 2: is the most valuable. Once again, though, you can rewire

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Speaker 2: your brain into prioritizing those solo experiences, that alone time

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Speaker 2: through like intentional behaviors and practices. So that's what I

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Speaker 2: want to discuss next. What are the actual ways, practical,

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Speaker 2: tangible ways we can fall in love with our own

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Speaker 2: company and really embrace all the things that we can

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Speaker 2: give ourselves. Well, we're going to talk about all of

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00:20:25,160 --> 00:20:34,320
Speaker 2: that and more after this shortbreak. Whether our alone time

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Speaker 2: is voluntary so we are intentionally prioritizing our solitude or involuntary.

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Speaker 2: You know, you really wish you were hanging out with people,

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Speaker 2: but you found yourself alone for the evening or in

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Speaker 2: a period of disconnect, you're not going to come out

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Speaker 2: of the gates. I think enjoying your own company. If

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Speaker 2: it's not something that you're used to, you have to

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Speaker 2: treat it like a ritual, like an almost kind of

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Speaker 2: like a spiritual experience, or a thing that you do

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Speaker 2: for your well being. The same way that you find

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Speaker 2: time during your week to see your friends or you

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Speaker 2: find time to exercise, you need to find time to

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Speaker 2: be alone. The easiest way to do this is to

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Speaker 2: choose either one evening or like a chunk on the weekends,

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Speaker 2: a morning and afternoon that is reserved just for you.

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Speaker 2: It's like you have a stand up meeting with yourself

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Speaker 2: each week that you can't shift, sorry to everybody else

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Speaker 2: you have plans. It's non negotiable. For me. I normally

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Speaker 2: take Monday evenings to myself because I feel like my

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Speaker 2: social battery has already been like spiked by the weekend.

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Speaker 2: Mondays are normally my busiest day because it's when I

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Speaker 2: record podcast literally what I'm doing right now, and so

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Speaker 2: I take the night for me. I have an established routine.

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Speaker 2: I always go to the gym and then I listen

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Speaker 2: to my favorite podcast is American Life. They drop the

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Speaker 2: new episodes on Monday, so I listened to that. Then

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Speaker 2: I go to the sauna, which, okay, I'm gonna be honest.

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Speaker 2: The sauna at my gym smells at the moment, and

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Speaker 2: there's like a cockroach infestation. But you know, after a while,

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00:22:00,000 --> 00:22:02,720
Speaker 2: I can't tell whether it's your sweat or somebody else's,

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00:22:02,760 --> 00:22:06,000
Speaker 2: so it's not that gross anyways, okay, Tangent. I then

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00:22:06,119 --> 00:22:09,720
Speaker 2: do my everything shower, I make myself like my favorite meal,

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00:22:09,800 --> 00:22:12,480
Speaker 2: it's like the sweet potato salad, and I watch Modern

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00:22:12,480 --> 00:22:16,000
Speaker 2: Family or whatever show I'm on at the moment. And

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Speaker 2: at eight o'clock, this is crucial, I switch off and

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Speaker 2: I choose to do something that is going to fill

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Speaker 2: my cup that is not passive normally. That is something

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Speaker 2: like reading or journaling or painting. And I put music

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00:22:29,840 --> 00:22:33,760
Speaker 2: on my record player and I just let myself sit

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00:22:33,800 --> 00:22:35,960
Speaker 2: there for a bit, you know, if I don't need

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00:22:36,000 --> 00:22:39,560
Speaker 2: to be like constantly writing or reading. Sometimes I just

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00:22:39,680 --> 00:22:41,959
Speaker 2: honestly sit on my couch and just stare into space,

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00:22:42,520 --> 00:22:45,840
Speaker 2: and I let myself daydream and I let my mind wander.

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Speaker 2: There's no one waiting on me, there's nothing to do,

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Speaker 2: there's no one I need to call, because this is

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00:22:51,280 --> 00:22:55,360
Speaker 2: like the time that I've reserved for me within that.

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Speaker 2: What you may have noticed is that everything I do

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00:22:58,480 --> 00:23:03,000
Speaker 2: is something I actually like doing. It's my favorite podcast,

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00:23:03,119 --> 00:23:07,280
Speaker 2: my favorite meal, my favorite show, my favorite activity. That's

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00:23:07,280 --> 00:23:10,000
Speaker 2: because enjoying your own company, as simple as it sounds,

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00:23:10,160 --> 00:23:13,359
Speaker 2: means actually doing something you enjoy while you're at it,

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00:23:13,960 --> 00:23:19,080
Speaker 2: and equally doing something that is actually nourishing. You might

400
00:23:19,119 --> 00:23:21,600
Speaker 2: think that you're spending alone time and enjoying your own

401
00:23:21,640 --> 00:23:25,240
Speaker 2: company when you're doing your laundry or at the grocery store,

402
00:23:25,600 --> 00:23:29,360
Speaker 2: and it is still really valuable time, but it's not necessarily,

403
00:23:29,880 --> 00:23:34,040
Speaker 2: you know, meaningful time. It's labor, it's chores, unless you're

404
00:23:34,080 --> 00:23:37,520
Speaker 2: someone whose hobby is cleaning. I think there is a

405
00:23:37,520 --> 00:23:41,520
Speaker 2: difference between really like consciously being like, this is going

406
00:23:41,560 --> 00:23:44,639
Speaker 2: to be a time and an evening where I feel

407
00:23:44,640 --> 00:23:47,160
Speaker 2: my own cub and this is just like an activity

408
00:23:47,160 --> 00:23:49,080
Speaker 2: that I just have to do alone, so let's just

409
00:23:49,119 --> 00:23:51,320
Speaker 2: call it my alone time. I think the same way

410
00:23:51,359 --> 00:23:53,800
Speaker 2: that you would really want to spend quality time with

411
00:23:53,880 --> 00:23:56,480
Speaker 2: your friends or your boyfriend or your girlfriend, you need

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00:23:56,520 --> 00:23:59,639
Speaker 2: to do the same with yourself. If your entire relationship,

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00:24:00,080 --> 00:24:03,600
Speaker 2: you know, with your partner, for example, consisted of sitting

414
00:24:03,640 --> 00:24:06,280
Speaker 2: in front of the TV or lying in bed and

415
00:24:06,320 --> 00:24:09,959
Speaker 2: scrolling mindlessly on TikTok next to each other. That is

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00:24:10,000 --> 00:24:12,919
Speaker 2: not quality time with your partner. Your relationship would suffer.

417
00:24:13,520 --> 00:24:17,800
Speaker 2: You never would really connect or deepen your bond because

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00:24:17,800 --> 00:24:21,480
Speaker 2: you're distracted, you're doing something mindless. So why do you

419
00:24:21,520 --> 00:24:24,200
Speaker 2: expect the relationship you have with yourself to not suffer

420
00:24:24,800 --> 00:24:27,879
Speaker 2: if you're doing the same thing. If every time you

421
00:24:27,960 --> 00:24:30,720
Speaker 2: have a moment to yourself or an afternoon with no plans,

422
00:24:31,280 --> 00:24:33,880
Speaker 2: you spend it in a way that is quite passive

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00:24:34,560 --> 00:24:37,560
Speaker 2: or draining. Now this isn't to say that sometimes we

424
00:24:37,760 --> 00:24:41,520
Speaker 2: don't benefit from just brain rot. Like my boyfriend calls

425
00:24:41,560 --> 00:24:44,159
Speaker 2: it scratching his lizard brain when we just we've had

426
00:24:44,160 --> 00:24:47,119
Speaker 2: a hellish day, work has been really tough. We just

427
00:24:47,160 --> 00:24:49,919
Speaker 2: want to switch off for a second and watch like

428
00:24:50,080 --> 00:24:53,840
Speaker 2: some garbage TV. That is honestly so valuable. But if

429
00:24:53,840 --> 00:24:56,479
Speaker 2: that becomes your norm, the status quo of how you

430
00:24:56,520 --> 00:24:59,199
Speaker 2: spend time with yourself, I think you're missing out on

431
00:24:59,200 --> 00:25:02,240
Speaker 2: some of the other really rich and deep experiences and

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00:25:02,359 --> 00:25:05,000
Speaker 2: things that you can do during that period that would

433
00:25:05,040 --> 00:25:10,320
Speaker 2: be maybe more valuable. So this brings me to this exercise.

434
00:25:10,560 --> 00:25:16,199
Speaker 2: This idea, this concept of ritualizing your alone time so

435
00:25:16,280 --> 00:25:19,919
Speaker 2: that it's something that you are looking forward to. I

436
00:25:20,119 --> 00:25:22,439
Speaker 2: have a friend who does this really, really well, and

437
00:25:22,480 --> 00:25:23,800
Speaker 2: I have to give them a shout out in this

438
00:25:23,880 --> 00:25:27,480
Speaker 2: episode because everybody that I have in my life, they

439
00:25:28,040 --> 00:25:30,880
Speaker 2: spend their alone time the best. They love their own

440
00:25:30,920 --> 00:25:34,000
Speaker 2: company the most. And the way that they have kind

441
00:25:34,080 --> 00:25:36,639
Speaker 2: of learnt to do this because they weren't always like this,

442
00:25:37,480 --> 00:25:40,560
Speaker 2: was to have a date night with themselves once a month.

443
00:25:40,840 --> 00:25:44,000
Speaker 2: They choose a different Italian restaurant in Sydney. They get

444
00:25:44,000 --> 00:25:46,280
Speaker 2: a glass of wine and they get a bowl of pasta,

445
00:25:46,880 --> 00:25:49,200
Speaker 2: and of course they dress up for themselves because it's

446
00:25:49,320 --> 00:25:51,560
Speaker 2: date night. You have to look nice, you have to

447
00:25:51,560 --> 00:25:54,359
Speaker 2: play the part. And then they sit there on their

448
00:25:54,400 --> 00:25:57,760
Speaker 2: own and they ask themselves the same five questions in

449
00:25:57,840 --> 00:26:00,960
Speaker 2: like a specific journal they have just for this purpose.

450
00:26:01,440 --> 00:26:04,119
Speaker 2: The five questions are what did I do today? And

451
00:26:04,160 --> 00:26:07,359
Speaker 2: how am I feeling about myself? What's something I'm looking

452
00:26:07,400 --> 00:26:10,880
Speaker 2: forward to, what's one thing that I've been proud of recently,

453
00:26:11,560 --> 00:26:13,919
Speaker 2: what's on my mind? And what is one thing I

454
00:26:13,960 --> 00:26:16,919
Speaker 2: want to change in the next month. I think that

455
00:26:17,040 --> 00:26:21,119
Speaker 2: this is such a sweet practice to do to really

456
00:26:21,200 --> 00:26:25,880
Speaker 2: like find time one evening in the next thirty days

457
00:26:26,359 --> 00:26:29,159
Speaker 2: that's just for you where you were at the center.

458
00:26:29,920 --> 00:26:33,359
Speaker 2: You are consciously thinking about your life. You are consciously

459
00:26:34,119 --> 00:26:38,200
Speaker 2: dating yourself, spending time with yourself, being intentional about where

460
00:26:38,200 --> 00:26:41,080
Speaker 2: you're going, but also kind of finding a way to

461
00:26:41,880 --> 00:26:44,280
Speaker 2: I don't know, not worship yourself. I think that's successive,

462
00:26:44,280 --> 00:26:47,360
Speaker 2: but celebrate who you are and your progress and what's

463
00:26:47,440 --> 00:26:50,560
Speaker 2: going on, and it's just fun. Like it's actually really

464
00:26:50,640 --> 00:26:54,240
Speaker 2: fun to just have this like little ritual that you

465
00:26:54,320 --> 00:26:57,320
Speaker 2: do all for yourself, to dress up for yourself to

466
00:26:57,400 --> 00:26:59,600
Speaker 2: go and just like kind of splurge on a nice

467
00:26:59,680 --> 00:27:02,640
Speaker 2: meal the same way that you would do that for others.

468
00:27:02,760 --> 00:27:05,240
Speaker 2: Right when you're dating people, when you're going to see

469
00:27:05,240 --> 00:27:08,080
Speaker 2: your friends, you know you make time for them, that

470
00:27:08,240 --> 00:27:11,880
Speaker 2: is quality time, You look nice for them, You spend

471
00:27:11,920 --> 00:27:14,600
Speaker 2: more money than you want to for them. You can

472
00:27:14,640 --> 00:27:17,560
Speaker 2: do that for yourself. Another way I think to really

473
00:27:17,600 --> 00:27:19,760
Speaker 2: sync deep into your own company is to just do

474
00:27:19,840 --> 00:27:22,560
Speaker 2: stuff alone even if no one wants to come with you.

475
00:27:22,600 --> 00:27:25,080
Speaker 2: Now we spoke about this before, but if you want

476
00:27:25,119 --> 00:27:26,760
Speaker 2: to see that movie, if you want to go to

477
00:27:26,800 --> 00:27:29,280
Speaker 2: that comedy show, if you need to buy a New Janes.

478
00:27:29,880 --> 00:27:31,639
Speaker 2: If you want to go out for breakfast and no

479
00:27:31,720 --> 00:27:36,159
Speaker 2: one's around, great, you're around, You're free, Off you go.

480
00:27:36,880 --> 00:27:39,840
Speaker 2: I think this feels quite awkward at first, especially when

481
00:27:39,840 --> 00:27:42,840
Speaker 2: we become so accustomed to the presence and the noise

482
00:27:42,880 --> 00:27:47,400
Speaker 2: of others in our lives. But I think that one

483
00:27:47,400 --> 00:27:49,240
Speaker 2: thing that really does hold us back is thinking that

484
00:27:49,280 --> 00:27:52,399
Speaker 2: we're going to be judged as well. I promise you

485
00:27:52,440 --> 00:27:54,920
Speaker 2: no one is looking that closely, and even if they are,

486
00:27:55,119 --> 00:27:58,720
Speaker 2: human memory is very fallible and it's very short, they

487
00:27:58,760 --> 00:28:01,760
Speaker 2: aren't going to remember you. And to just add to that,

488
00:28:01,800 --> 00:28:04,840
Speaker 2: the only time I think I've ever noticed people who

489
00:28:04,840 --> 00:28:07,000
Speaker 2: are doing things alone, like at dinner alone, or at

490
00:28:07,000 --> 00:28:10,200
Speaker 2: a cafe alone, at a movie alone, is when I've

491
00:28:10,240 --> 00:28:12,960
Speaker 2: been thinking about how much I admire them for something

492
00:28:12,960 --> 00:28:15,200
Speaker 2: that it's taken me years to do. I'm like, wow,

493
00:28:15,240 --> 00:28:18,159
Speaker 2: you must be a really cool person, Like there's some

494
00:28:18,200 --> 00:28:23,840
Speaker 2: really amazing power in this action that you're doing, in

495
00:28:23,880 --> 00:28:27,280
Speaker 2: this choice. When you do feel the twinge of loneliness

496
00:28:27,359 --> 00:28:32,400
Speaker 2: that I think is only human and natural, sometimes I

497
00:28:32,440 --> 00:28:35,040
Speaker 2: think that it's important to take a moment to just

498
00:28:35,119 --> 00:28:39,320
Speaker 2: notice it and to observe it, and I mean, make

499
00:28:39,640 --> 00:28:43,960
Speaker 2: your loneliness like a physical presence, like a little character

500
00:28:44,040 --> 00:28:46,240
Speaker 2: in your mind, or a butterfly in front of you,

501
00:28:46,920 --> 00:28:49,760
Speaker 2: and just watch it move through your space. This like

502
00:28:49,880 --> 00:28:54,160
Speaker 2: fluttering object. That's your loneliness. It's not going to hurt you.

503
00:28:54,960 --> 00:28:58,120
Speaker 2: It's just there. It's just fluttering about. You don't have

504
00:28:58,160 --> 00:29:01,880
Speaker 2: to respond or react, and eventually it will fly off

505
00:29:01,920 --> 00:29:05,560
Speaker 2: and bother somebody else. If we squash anything that makes

506
00:29:05,640 --> 00:29:10,360
Speaker 2: us skittish or fearful or uncomfortable, we shut off from

507
00:29:10,360 --> 00:29:14,520
Speaker 2: a lot of the world. You lose out, like you

508
00:29:14,640 --> 00:29:19,520
Speaker 2: genuinely do if you're always motivated by something that you fear,

509
00:29:20,000 --> 00:29:23,560
Speaker 2: and that means that you avoid circumstances that would activate

510
00:29:23,600 --> 00:29:28,400
Speaker 2: that fear. For example, you're afraid of feeling lonely, so

511
00:29:28,760 --> 00:29:32,280
Speaker 2: you never take the risk to, I don't know, go

512
00:29:32,360 --> 00:29:35,240
Speaker 2: to that country by yourself, or go out for dinner

513
00:29:35,320 --> 00:29:38,320
Speaker 2: on your own. That's not doing the thing that's best

514
00:29:38,360 --> 00:29:40,440
Speaker 2: for you. That's doing the thing that fear wants you

515
00:29:40,520 --> 00:29:44,520
Speaker 2: to do. So Finally, instead of the fear of missing out,

516
00:29:44,520 --> 00:29:46,479
Speaker 2: I think we need to switch to the joy of

517
00:29:46,520 --> 00:29:49,200
Speaker 2: missing out. I'm sure you've heard this phrase before, but

518
00:29:49,240 --> 00:29:52,160
Speaker 2: it's a concept that I love. It was originally introduced

519
00:29:52,160 --> 00:29:55,520
Speaker 2: to me by Tanya Dalton. She's an author who wrote

520
00:29:55,560 --> 00:29:57,640
Speaker 2: Like the Ultimate Guide on this. If you look her up,

521
00:29:57,640 --> 00:30:01,920
Speaker 2: her book is amazing and Jomo the Joy of missing

522
00:30:01,920 --> 00:30:06,520
Speaker 2: Out is basically like the emotionally intelligent and like mature

523
00:30:06,920 --> 00:30:10,959
Speaker 2: antidote to FOMO, and it's essentially about being present and

524
00:30:11,000 --> 00:30:15,120
Speaker 2: being content with where you're at in your life, focusing

525
00:30:15,160 --> 00:30:18,120
Speaker 2: on what you gain by saying no to plans, by

526
00:30:18,200 --> 00:30:22,479
Speaker 2: switching off, what you gain by ignoring the needs of others,

527
00:30:22,520 --> 00:30:24,800
Speaker 2: and the need to compare and think about what you

528
00:30:24,880 --> 00:30:30,240
Speaker 2: know everyone's expecting from you, and just really noticing how

529
00:30:30,320 --> 00:30:32,640
Speaker 2: much peace it brings you to just do what you

530
00:30:32,680 --> 00:30:35,200
Speaker 2: want to do. I think the older we get, the

531
00:30:35,200 --> 00:30:37,400
Speaker 2: more we understand the joy of missing out, like as

532
00:30:37,440 --> 00:30:40,280
Speaker 2: a concept, you know, we understand the joy of a

533
00:30:40,320 --> 00:30:42,800
Speaker 2: friend canceling the plans that we made when we had

534
00:30:42,800 --> 00:30:45,800
Speaker 2: a lot more energy, And we understand the joy of

535
00:30:45,840 --> 00:30:48,120
Speaker 2: getting to set our own agenda, to choose what we

536
00:30:48,160 --> 00:30:50,920
Speaker 2: want for dinner, what we want to do with our evenings,

537
00:30:51,040 --> 00:30:53,720
Speaker 2: to choose to reply to messages when we want to,

538
00:30:53,880 --> 00:30:56,480
Speaker 2: rather than feeling like we always have to be engaged

539
00:30:56,520 --> 00:30:59,240
Speaker 2: and clocked in and locked in with other people. There

540
00:30:59,280 --> 00:31:01,160
Speaker 2: is immense beauty in that, and there is also a

541
00:31:01,200 --> 00:31:03,200
Speaker 2: lot of freedom. I think sometimes we think that if

542
00:31:03,200 --> 00:31:06,520
Speaker 2: we're not constantly present with others that they'll somehow forget

543
00:31:06,560 --> 00:31:10,120
Speaker 2: about you. Trust me, they weren't. They weren't a few

544
00:31:10,320 --> 00:31:14,160
Speaker 2: missed evenings, a few rescheduled plans, a few times you

545
00:31:14,200 --> 00:31:17,040
Speaker 2: say sorry, I can't make it. I actually think that

546
00:31:17,240 --> 00:31:20,680
Speaker 2: it's going to do more for your friendship, right because

547
00:31:20,800 --> 00:31:23,400
Speaker 2: the time that you do spend together is very much

548
00:31:24,040 --> 00:31:28,360
Speaker 2: quality time. You're really engaged. You feel like your own

549
00:31:28,400 --> 00:31:31,520
Speaker 2: cup is full, rather than kind of running on empty

550
00:31:31,680 --> 00:31:35,080
Speaker 2: and feeling very much at the behest of your plans,

551
00:31:35,240 --> 00:31:40,120
Speaker 2: feeling very much responsible to others rather than to yourself

552
00:31:40,200 --> 00:31:43,840
Speaker 2: first and foremost. So I think the final reminder, the

553
00:31:43,880 --> 00:31:47,280
Speaker 2: final thing to take from this is the relationship you

554
00:31:47,320 --> 00:31:49,680
Speaker 2: have with yourself is your biggest investment, because it is

555
00:31:49,720 --> 00:31:53,000
Speaker 2: the only one you will have alongside you your whole life.

556
00:31:53,040 --> 00:31:57,520
Speaker 2: You are spending every single second with yourself. That might

557
00:31:57,600 --> 00:32:00,360
Speaker 2: feel like quality time, but sometimes you really need to

558
00:32:00,400 --> 00:32:03,560
Speaker 2: have a check in and be like, Okay, do I

559
00:32:03,640 --> 00:32:06,400
Speaker 2: like where I'm at? Am I enjoying who I am

560
00:32:06,400 --> 00:32:09,360
Speaker 2: when nobody else is around, can I find the fun

561
00:32:09,760 --> 00:32:12,800
Speaker 2: in my own company? And my hope is is that

562
00:32:12,920 --> 00:32:15,680
Speaker 2: firstly you see that that's a valuable thing, and secondly

563
00:32:15,680 --> 00:32:18,320
Speaker 2: that you do find the joy and the love in

564
00:32:18,360 --> 00:32:21,280
Speaker 2: your own company. So thank you so much for listening

565
00:32:21,320 --> 00:32:23,880
Speaker 2: to today's episode. I actually hope that you've got something

566
00:32:23,920 --> 00:32:26,400
Speaker 2: out of this. I hope that it's convinced you or

567
00:32:26,400 --> 00:32:30,880
Speaker 2: persuaded you to adopt these rituals and this technique and

568
00:32:30,880 --> 00:32:34,880
Speaker 2: this appreciation for yourself, because you're a lot of fun,

569
00:32:34,960 --> 00:32:36,920
Speaker 2: and you can have fun with yourself, and you can

570
00:32:37,360 --> 00:32:39,160
Speaker 2: laugh at yourself, and you can bring joy to your

571
00:32:39,200 --> 00:32:42,640
Speaker 2: own life without needing other people. As always, if you

572
00:32:42,640 --> 00:32:45,040
Speaker 2: did enjoy this episode, share it with a friend and

573
00:32:45,080 --> 00:32:48,080
Speaker 2: make sure that you're following along by hitting that follow

574
00:32:48,120 --> 00:32:51,480
Speaker 2: button on Spotify or Apple podcast wherever you are listening.

575
00:32:51,960 --> 00:32:55,520
Speaker 2: It really does help the show grow, so as leaving

576
00:32:55,520 --> 00:32:58,480
Speaker 2: a five star rating, it helps other people find us,

577
00:32:58,600 --> 00:33:01,280
Speaker 2: it helps expand the community, and it helps me out.

578
00:33:01,320 --> 00:33:03,600
Speaker 2: So if you do get joy out of this, if

579
00:33:03,640 --> 00:33:05,680
Speaker 2: it is part of the ritual that you have for

580
00:33:05,720 --> 00:33:07,920
Speaker 2: spending time alone or just part of your daily life,

581
00:33:08,480 --> 00:33:11,400
Speaker 2: I would really really appreciate it. And as always, we

582
00:33:11,440 --> 00:33:17,880
Speaker 2: are always looking for new ideas, episodes, suggestions, feedback, discussions, contributions.

583
00:33:18,040 --> 00:33:21,720
Speaker 2: Over on Instagram, you can follow us at that Psychology Podcast.

584
00:33:21,760 --> 00:33:25,520
Speaker 2: We would obviously love to hear from you, and until then,

585
00:33:25,720 --> 00:33:29,560
Speaker 2: until our next episode, stay safe, be kind to yourself,

586
00:33:29,640 --> 00:33:31,240
Speaker 2: and we will talk soon