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Speaker 3: Welcome everybody to another episode of Decisions Decisions.
Speaker 2: I'm your girl, men, dy b I am WEEZYWTF. We
Speaker 2: are back for another episode and we haven't really caught.
Speaker 1: Up about much, but we know Mandy got a boyfriend.
Speaker 3: I mean we've been saying that now for a while.
Speaker 3: You know things are good.
Speaker 2: So how do you guys schedule? So you guys, last
Speaker 2: time I know you saw him. We were in Denver
Speaker 2: for work.
Speaker 3: Yeah, I'm going literally after this trip to La to
Speaker 3: be with him for one of his work things. And
Speaker 3: then he's already looking up flights to come to Atlanta
Speaker 3: to spend another week with me. It's so strange because
Speaker 3: I enjoy my space. Even in my last relationship, I
Speaker 3: would see my partner three to four days a week.
Speaker 3: There's not a trip I go on where I want
Speaker 3: to be there more than four days. It doesn't matter
Speaker 3: if it's international or not. Like I literally go to
Speaker 3: Abu Dhabi for my birthday for four days, and so
Speaker 3: I could tell he's having a thing about that because
Speaker 3: he's like, I guess I only get to see you
Speaker 3: for three to four days.
Speaker 1: Oh love you, Madia. I was about to be like,
Speaker 1: can you stay one more day so we could record
Speaker 1: I get to Las. Yeah, no, I'm leaving. I got
Speaker 1: to go back for work in Atlanta.
Speaker 3: But I literally am like, I know my capacity as
Speaker 3: a person to be around somebody. Like it's to the
Speaker 3: point where even when people started staying with me when
Speaker 3: I still lived here in New York, by after the
Speaker 3: third day, I would get them a hotel like I
Speaker 3: cannot be confined in a space with someone very long,
Speaker 3: and I'm very aware of that, and so because we're
Speaker 3: now staying at each other's place, I'm like, O, babe,
Speaker 3: this is the capacity I have, Like vacation with your friends,
Speaker 3: for lord, No, not for more than four days. Literally
Speaker 3: with Crystal, we went to South Africa for four days.
Speaker 1: I lived in Asia.
Speaker 3: I was living in Singapore, and we did each stop
Speaker 3: at a different time. But also like in one we'd
Speaker 3: have a villa multiple rooms, and one we'd have multiple
Speaker 3: rooms if there was more than like we wouldn't stay
Speaker 3: in the same room.
Speaker 1: Okay, well two bedroom keeps me happy. Yeah, Like, well,
Speaker 1: I don't have another bed.
Speaker 3: My second bedroom is a content space and luckily I
Speaker 3: have an upstairs and down there now. But no, I
Speaker 3: realize like how much I need my space. And I'm
Speaker 3: trying to talk to him because he's lived with his
Speaker 3: last two exes and so he's used to that confinement
Speaker 3: and being on someone experience for being not young, but
Speaker 3: I haven't. So I am just like trying to tell
Speaker 3: him it's not about you, but to me in order
Speaker 3: to I hate that he takes it as like I'm
Speaker 3: dealing with him or putting up with him. But I'm
Speaker 3: just fully aware that I need space from people. Like
Speaker 3: even Rosie just came and spent a couple of days
Speaker 3: in my house, and before she came, she went and
Speaker 3: stayed with a friend before she even came to my house,
Speaker 3: because I knew how long she was going to be
Speaker 3: in Atlanta. And luckily I have my little discount, but
Speaker 3: I will literally buy somebody a hotel room so that
Speaker 3: they're not in my space. So right now, with being
Speaker 3: that we're commuting to see each other, and again, luckily
Speaker 3: it's been every two to three weeks, so I feel lucky.
Speaker 3: It's like baby four days.
Speaker 1: So when he comes to Atlanta, so much more, I
Speaker 1: don't know. I don't know.
Speaker 3: I don't care, Like he literally just booked a flight
Speaker 3: to where he's like, technically it's five but it's not.
Speaker 3: So he's coming in Monday night at like two am,
Speaker 3: so technically that's Tuesday and leaving Friday. To him, that's
Speaker 3: a Monday through Friday. So he's sneaking in a fifth day.
Speaker 3: But I'm like, babe, I don't want you to take
Speaker 3: it like thing. But there's literally nobody in the world
Speaker 3: like that. I want to spend that much time with
Speaker 3: like even my family. I'll go to Orlando and spend
Speaker 3: one day like I I really like my alone time.
Speaker 3: I really like the ability to recharge my social battery.
Speaker 3: And I'm fully self aware that I like my space.
Speaker 3: I like my time. I like that and I almost
Speaker 3: need it. It's not even that I like it, I
Speaker 3: need it. And so that's what we're talking about now
Speaker 3: because he's like, babe, we live like on two different coasts,
Speaker 3: Like damn, can I see?
Speaker 1: Like he literally wants me to go see his family.
Speaker 3: In Italy this summer, and I was like, okay, well
Speaker 3: I'll go there for about four days and you can
Speaker 3: stay longer.
Speaker 1: Stop swear to god.
Speaker 4: I kind of get that, you.
Speaker 1: Know what I mean? Like, no, no, no, that's like that's
Speaker 1: a lot. Now if you're with his family for four
Speaker 1: days and then you guys do something else, that's still
Speaker 1: being with him for more, like that is a lot.
Speaker 3: I need my and to me, it sounds even stranger
Speaker 3: for me to go stay by myself long vacation.
Speaker 1: You've never taken maybe five days but.
Speaker 4: The partner only five days.
Speaker 1: No, not with the partner, even with friends.
Speaker 3: But I'm now even since then, I have my own room,
Speaker 3: like even Deangre's birthday, Like I could call Crystal right now,
Speaker 3: like I kind of want to call it right now
Speaker 3: and be like Crystal and Crystal is who travels with
Speaker 3: me everywhere. That's the longest we've done is four days,
Speaker 3: even going to South Africa. We did Johannesburg for two
Speaker 3: days and came down for two days.
Speaker 1: Four days is like.
Speaker 3: Literally by Max to be around people before I'm like,
Speaker 3: I'm gonna go off by myself.
Speaker 1: I need no that. It's what like Vinnie and I
Speaker 1: have traveled for weeks on end together. Nah, I've never
Speaker 1: done that. He's yeah, we like travel.
Speaker 2: I mean that's what we used to do we're young,
Speaker 2: laur in Europe or exploring Asia, like.
Speaker 1: Even when I toured two weeks around. We love it.
Speaker 2: But what we do is we separate. So if we're
Speaker 2: not in separate rooms, which for most of the time
Speaker 2: at this age now that always happens. But yeah, he
Speaker 2: would do his own thing, I'd stay in like I'm
Speaker 2: not and him and I And that's why Vinny and
Speaker 2: I are such good friends. We could be in a club,
Speaker 2: lose each other and find each other and not be
Speaker 2: angry and you know some motherfucker.
Speaker 1: Oh yeah, no, I do that with some people.
Speaker 2: Be like, oh, well, then we came to I've never
Speaker 2: been like that, and maybe that's what helps. But you're
Speaker 2: making me think because so Frianda met somebody and I
Speaker 2: wanted to see a photo and she's like, no, because
Speaker 2: you and my partner living each other's skin, and you're
Speaker 2: gonna tell him and I have to keep it close
Speaker 2: to the chest, that's between me and God until it
Speaker 2: goes forward. And I'm like, I'm not gonna tell him.
Speaker 2: She's like, yes, you are. And I remember she came
Speaker 2: back from a date and he was in the house
Speaker 2: and we both had like tell us and yeah. I
Speaker 2: think a lot of our friends feel like that right
Speaker 2: now that we are spending a lot of time together.
Speaker 1: And I don't know.
Speaker 2: It's interesting because there are two different types of people,
Speaker 2: you know, Like one of my friends is dating someone
Speaker 2: who feels the same as your partner, kind of like,
Speaker 2: why can't I have more with you when we live
Speaker 2: in two different cities, and he's like, bro, I just
Speaker 2: it's not even about her. I just after a few days,
Speaker 2: I'm like, ah, I need to be alone. It's not
Speaker 2: about him, and I told him that whereas my partner
Speaker 2: is like, I'm not really feeling that. I don't feel
Speaker 2: like my alone time is needed to recharge. I may
Speaker 2: need a moment of not talking or being having some space,
Speaker 2: but I don't feel like that. Even in Thailand we
Speaker 2: were doing we never really had a moment where we
Speaker 2: were feeling like I need a night alone. But I
Speaker 2: think it's just everyone's temperament. Because my friend that expressed
Speaker 2: that to me was like, bro, I feel so bad
Speaker 2: that I'm in love with her and she thinks I
Speaker 2: don't want to be around her. However, I will say,
Speaker 2: I said to him, how do you then be with
Speaker 2: someone long term that completely feels invalidated because you can't
Speaker 2: spend that much.
Speaker 1: Time with them? Oh no, they got to take that
Speaker 1: up with a therapist.
Speaker 3: I'm telling him it is not about him, and I
Speaker 3: think that that's the problem with dating. I know you
Speaker 3: chuckled a little bit, but to be fair, I'm very
Speaker 3: aware of mil's issue. No, if you feel invalidated, what
Speaker 3: I'm telling you, it's not you, it's me needing space.
Speaker 3: I'm a human being who has had a lot of
Speaker 3: time alone, who spends a lot of time around other people,
Speaker 3: who works a lot in a capacity where I'm constantly
Speaker 3: around other people, I'm fully aware that I need space.
Speaker 3: This has nothing to do with a lack of interest
Speaker 3: to you. This has nothing to do with my investment
Speaker 3: to you. This has nothing to do with how much
Speaker 3: I like you. And it's so funny because we both
Speaker 3: are catching ourselves with the L word right now and
Speaker 3: he's like, ooh, almost said it. I was okay, I baby,
Speaker 3: And we do this thing where we kiss when we
Speaker 3: hang up, and we're both not saying it, but I'm like,
Speaker 3: I feel so adored by this man, like I really
Speaker 3: genuine like him. And it's so crazy because when we're
Speaker 3: like around each other, the PDA is crazy. Like we
Speaker 3: we hug, we hold hands, we have to wrap each
Speaker 3: other around each other, like the forehead kisses the mouth kis.
Speaker 1: It isn't like to me, that's not a compromise.
Speaker 3: My compromise is four days and I'm spending money to
Speaker 3: come to la You spend money to come to Atlanta.
Speaker 1: We meet in between. We make these plans.
Speaker 3: I love the idea of missing you, but in this
Speaker 3: space that I'm in where I'm constantly around other people.
Speaker 1: I really wholeheartedly.
Speaker 3: Need my recharge, like and I think that's why I'm
Speaker 3: really enjoying this move right now, because I don't have
Speaker 3: the fomo of being outside in Atlanta, and I literally
Speaker 3: just spend time in my house.
Speaker 1: Oh you should see. I'm belave to very laugh because
Speaker 1: like I can feel that because when I'm in New York.
Speaker 1: New York makes me la.
Speaker 3: I don't feel like I have to be outside and
Speaker 3: it's constantly my mind doesn't stop. Oh you should see.
Speaker 3: Y'all could talk about me as a cat mom. I
Speaker 3: don't care. There's times where I'm literally at the house
Speaker 3: and I will lock Body in a room because he
Speaker 3: just be.
Speaker 1: Trying to be up on me. Sometimes, Body go away,
Speaker 1: now hold on, I will put body in a last
Speaker 1: When Mandy said.
Speaker 4: I guess it's more so of the fact that I'm wondering,
Speaker 4: is it down to a tea that you know that
Speaker 4: it is a four day thing?
Speaker 3: Yeah, like even with traveling. Yes, Like I'm going to
Speaker 3: Jamaica literally for Labor Day weekend. Y'all, Choco blizz, get
Speaker 3: your tickets now join me there. And it's five to
Speaker 3: seven days.
Speaker 1: And I'm like you, I don't know if I can't,
Speaker 1: I can't go. It's always a long trip.
Speaker 3: Five, Like anything more than four is a long time,
Speaker 3: even for me to be around. Like Crystal, who we
Speaker 3: have a thirteen year friendship. It's literally what I know
Speaker 3: with her, and she had she had a day job,
Speaker 3: like I traveled a lot. Like we even used to
Speaker 3: say there would be days where we wouldn't see each other. Bro,
Speaker 3: I had niggas coming in the house that she never met. Like, Bro,
Speaker 3: how the fuck we live together this long? And I
Speaker 3: ain't never seen this thing. Anything came and knock them down.
Speaker 2: But I'm thinking for compromise, and genuinely you care about
Speaker 2: this person.
Speaker 1: He cares about you.
Speaker 2: Fuck the invalidation thing and saying it's an insecurity he
Speaker 2: wants to go on a trip with you Europe is
Speaker 2: far right. Let's just say he's like, yo, I would
Speaker 2: love to spend three days with you and my family
Speaker 2: and three days with us on the beach like in Europe.
Speaker 2: Like that's a long trek for both of you, especially
Speaker 2: him being in La for him.
Speaker 1: It's a long trek for me it's six eight hours.
Speaker 1: But still it's a thing he wants to do with you.
Speaker 1: Could you because you.
Speaker 2: He's what Eden's making the point of is like you're
Speaker 2: saying it's four days. Maybe could you try to see
Speaker 2: how you can recharge yourself while spending that much time?
Speaker 4: That's actually another reason. Yet you're right, that is kind
Speaker 4: of also why I chuckled a bit because it makes
Speaker 4: me wonder, Okay, how do we get Mandy to day five?
Speaker 1: Right? That is I mean he's trying to figure it out,
Speaker 1: which is why.
Speaker 4: Yeah, that's I mean I think I would be trying
Speaker 4: to figure out how to make this day five happen.
Speaker 3: Yeah, but I think we're we're also still so new,
Speaker 3: like I don't want to be in a point like
Speaker 3: I love that. Also when we're around, there's no arguments,
Speaker 3: it's fun Like, I love that. I don't want to
Speaker 3: get to the point where maybe he sees me so
Speaker 3: early in my funk. I'm fully aware that I need
Speaker 3: a break, girl, I.
Speaker 1: Need a charge a man knowing you get in your moods. Oh,
Speaker 1: he's a relationship. He's fine.
Speaker 3: He has seen me get testy with like an uber
Speaker 3: driver or him not. It's funny because he drives in
Speaker 3: LA and I have like a thing about I'm gonna
Speaker 3: do the Ubers because every time in Vegas that he
Speaker 3: even ordered a Uber wrong pin drop and it was
Speaker 3: like we were waiting on a fucking car too long.
Speaker 1: So I'm just like, I got it.
Speaker 3: But to me, I mean again, I think in relationships,
Speaker 3: I think what's important is self awareness and I think
Speaker 3: a lot of people like it. I am being very
Speaker 3: open with what I can, what I can deal.
Speaker 1: With him, what I can, what I can. I think
Speaker 1: you don't know. I know I'm telling.
Speaker 2: No, I know you don't know what this person. That's unfair.
Speaker 2: It's not unfair. It's me as a person. It's with
Speaker 2: my ex's with my best friends, it's with my family,
Speaker 2: it's with work. Like and I think that's another thing,
Speaker 2: Like damn, I'm saying what I know about myself and
Speaker 2: people are like, well, maybe you don't.
Speaker 1: Like I think it just lacks compromise.
Speaker 2: Seriously, I think if someone say, if the shoe was
Speaker 2: on the other foot, to know that someone couldn't try
Speaker 2: for you, I think four days in Europe, I get
Speaker 2: what you mean. We have the means to bounce around
Speaker 2: and do what we want to do, but like not
Speaker 2: everybody bounces back like that, like jet lag, time spent
Speaker 2: like maybe he wants to show you more of what
Speaker 2: he's seen. Like, I think it's perfectly normal and okay
Speaker 2: to say, can I get another day or two out
Speaker 2: of you? And you could learn how to recharge? If
Speaker 2: it's a hard no for you, it's a hard no
Speaker 2: for you, But I think being that you have someone
Speaker 2: that you know really cares about you, I think he'd
Speaker 2: be more than willing to help you find that space,
Speaker 2: like and be open to it, like if you really
Speaker 2: need the recharge, because there has to be at some
Speaker 2: point you learn to recharge while around a partner, Like
Speaker 2: I think that does have to exist.
Speaker 4: What does that cooled down look like for you? Let's
Speaker 4: say four days happened, and this amongst your partner or
Speaker 4: like your friends us, Let's say like four days happens,
Speaker 4: how do you cool down? And when do you know
Speaker 4: you're ready to see your partner again?
Speaker 1: I literally am home the whole day.
Speaker 4: Yeah, like soaking, I take my nap.
Speaker 3: Like it's funny because he knows my routine. Like when
Speaker 3: I'm home, I have a three o'clock nap. I like
Speaker 3: having on my pads. I like if I want to
Speaker 3: turn on a TV, I turn it on sometimes I clean,
Speaker 3: like it's a literal shut down from everyone, Like I
Speaker 3: might be on the phone till maybe ten am because
Speaker 3: I'm like a seven am riser and that's it. Like
Speaker 3: I'm literally away from crowds and people. And I think
Speaker 3: I think it's gotten worse because of the capacity of us,
Speaker 3: even touring the live shows, the constant like dealing with
Speaker 3: multiple teams, you know, like we're in slack.
Speaker 1: I have slack for two other businesses.
Speaker 3: Like it's a constant thing to where I literally in
Speaker 3: order for me to show up is my best self.
Speaker 3: It's something that I need and and to me, we'll
Speaker 3: work around it. But that's something that I need. And
Speaker 3: I don't want to get to a place where I
Speaker 3: resent somebody over compromiser, being forced to do something that
Speaker 3: I don't want to. And I think that already dealing
Speaker 3: with the long distance and us finding ways to compromise
Speaker 3: with each other, we are like I even told him,
Speaker 3: like moody shit, I don't really like. So I said, hey, babe,
Speaker 3: if you realize you want a mood we cannot do
Speaker 3: it like I did it when like he has a
Speaker 3: lot going on with work and so even before he
Speaker 3: came to Denver. I was like, if you're in a
Speaker 3: mood and you're not in the best space, I'd rather
Speaker 3: you not come to Denver. Like, I'm also very particular
Speaker 3: with when we finally get to see each other, that
Speaker 3: we have this amazing time together that all of the
Speaker 3: outside noise doesn't bother us enjoying each other. And I
Speaker 3: guess that's also my view on partnership, Like I'm looking
Speaker 3: at our partnership in relationship as being able to exhibit
Speaker 3: and live life together and make memories together. But it's
Speaker 3: also I'm not looking to cohabitate. I'm not looking for marriage,
Speaker 3: I'm not looking for kids, and so all of those
Speaker 3: stressors don't exist. We should be able to like, really,
Speaker 3: you know, just enjoy each other. I get to do
Speaker 3: that with my friends. I really want to be able
Speaker 3: to do that with my partner.
Speaker 4: Wheezy, Where do you feel like your limit might be
Speaker 4: a first, let's say if we were to like try
Speaker 4: to calculate it both the cool down and like, let's
Speaker 4: say after it.
Speaker 2: Right, my limit is actually only social spaces with people I'm.
Speaker 1: Not comfortable with.
Speaker 4: Time wise, though, Like let's say she gave us four days.
Speaker 1: No, she said she could be Oh no, I couldn't
Speaker 1: be with my partner every day.
Speaker 4: Give me, there has to be a limit. There's no way, dog,
Speaker 4: I'm okay. So even though I know you're in like livydw,
Speaker 4: but still no some real.
Speaker 1: Shit, like I'm very comfortable with him.
Speaker 2: You have to remember also, I lived with someone before,
Speaker 2: when I was in Mexico living with old Bay Like.
Speaker 2: Of course he's a piece of shit, but I wasn't taught.
Speaker 2: I know how to live with someone and not to
Speaker 2: have my own space. I've never lived in a one
Speaker 2: bedroom with someone. I've never had a roommate. Weard enough space,
Speaker 2: so I'm pretty good with that. I was actually thinking
Speaker 2: of something when you were talking, because my partner also
Speaker 2: told me he's never spent so much time with someone.
Speaker 2: He's like, I really thought I needed my alone time.
Speaker 2: But we kind of know what to do with each
Speaker 2: other to recharge.
Speaker 1: He said.
Speaker 2: I was in a really bad mood. And don't get
Speaker 2: me wrong, we understand when space happens. But I was
Speaker 2: upset about something and he wanted to comfort me, and
Speaker 2: we had plans, and he said, listen, if we were
Speaker 2: living together already, what would you want me to do?
Speaker 2: Go out and sit outside. You want me to go
Speaker 2: stuff myself in the second bedroom. You need to learn
Speaker 2: how to be around me.
Speaker 1: I don't give a fuck Like you're sitting here screaming
Speaker 1: calling me because you need me, but you don't want
Speaker 1: me to see you like this. I'm going to see
Speaker 1: you and show up for you.
Speaker 2: You need some space when we're in the house, fine,
Speaker 2: I'll take Nina whatever, but I'm going to see you
Speaker 2: in every emotion.
Speaker 1: We talked about marriage.
Speaker 2: And being together for the future, like and you don't
Speaker 2: want me to see you like this?
Speaker 1: That was it.
Speaker 2: I was like, I can have you seen me like this?
Speaker 2: And he was like, oh Na, like this, this is
Speaker 2: what life is. This is what my partnership and me
Speaker 2: giving myself to you is, which is the opposite of me,
Speaker 2: so I think, but I think no one's wrong, No, no, no,
Speaker 2: I'm not saying you're wrong at all. This is where
Speaker 2: I I love that we are different. We exist with
Speaker 2: partners that are different or may want different things.
Speaker 1: I do want to build on this conversation for sex. Yeah.
Speaker 2: What's interesting about what happened was I, for a moment
Speaker 2: thought what he was doing was wrong, And what I
Speaker 2: realized is that that was a big step for me
Speaker 2: because I was feeling really down, really bad, and I
Speaker 2: hadn't gotten that vulnerable yet. What I was feeling was
Speaker 2: I can never let him see me like this because
Speaker 2: he thinks of me a certain way. So it wasn't
Speaker 2: like just a bad day, like I need to be
Speaker 2: by myself tonight, babe.
Speaker 1: It was like, I'm really hurting.
Speaker 2: I think in my past relationships, I have only came
Speaker 2: to partners when I need them.
Speaker 1: I haven't let them shown up for me in those moments.
Speaker 2: And I realized that's something that makes him feel like
Speaker 2: we are closer and connected, knowing that we can support
Speaker 2: each other because he wants it from me if he
Speaker 2: needs me. So it's weird because in one way, I've
Speaker 2: definitely seen it as like this face is good, but
Speaker 2: I also can see the other side of hey, we
Speaker 2: have to know every facet. And it's crazy because Brion
Speaker 2: did and I go back and forth about this a lot.
Speaker 2: She's who I've talked a lot about this relationship with.
Speaker 2: I guess she's seen it the most hands on, and
Speaker 2: she's like, Damn, I don't know if I ever want
Speaker 2: to be as in love with someone as the two
Speaker 2: of you are, because I would never let my man
Speaker 2: know I was hurting like this. I would never let
Speaker 2: him know I was feeling ugly or fat or just
Speaker 2: making shit of right now, feeling fat, feeling down about myself.
Speaker 2: I don't know if I would ever let a man
Speaker 2: see that. And I'm like, I can't believe I did
Speaker 2: let a man see that. On the contrary, we had
Speaker 2: this conversation in front of him, and he was like,
Speaker 2: I wouldn't be with a woman if I couldn't understand
Speaker 2: her completely and fully. I would hate for her to
Speaker 2: have these dark thoughts about herself or something that's going
Speaker 2: on and I can't see it for you?
Speaker 1: Who am I to you? Then?
Speaker 2: Is there another friend that's doing this? Is there a
Speaker 2: place I can't meet?
Speaker 1: Like?
Speaker 2: How is it possible that you're hurting this bad if
Speaker 2: I'm the closest person to you and I can't help you.
Speaker 2: And we talked a lot about that because when no
Speaker 2: Hol's barred, I was writing it the depression chapter set
Speaker 2: in and he's like, have you ever been depressed? With
Speaker 2: Obay said his name. I was like a little bit,
Speaker 2: And he's like he couldn't see it or read it,
Speaker 2: And how is it that you thought you were in
Speaker 2: love with someone and you couldn't open up to them,
Speaker 2: like I'm hurting, I feel like this. He's like, you're
Speaker 2: telling me you ran in a car to get on
Speaker 2: the phone with a therapist and had a man with
Speaker 2: you that loves you and you didn't say it out loud.
Speaker 1: And you know what's crazy? That showed me.
Speaker 2: I may not have been that in love because I
Speaker 2: could tell a friend easy when I need some help.
Speaker 2: But for some reason, in romantic relationships, that vulnerability looks different.
Speaker 3: It's weird. I even on the opposite sense of that
Speaker 3: had the conversation. I think we actually had this conversation
Speaker 3: on the podcast. Like I would go to Crystal or
Speaker 3: It or Carla or my therapist with things, I have
Speaker 3: zero expectations of my partner being somebody to see feel
Speaker 3: here everything that I'm going through. I don't put that
Speaker 3: emphasis on a romantic partner to be someone to be
Speaker 3: able to receive or take in all of my feelings
Speaker 3: of everything that I'm doing.
Speaker 1: I think literally I'll text my therapist.
Speaker 3: And be like, oh shit, something's bothering me, and it's
Speaker 3: something that I may never even tell my partner because
Speaker 3: he's not a podcaster. We even talk about how we're
Speaker 3: in completely different industries. I think that where I'm at,
Speaker 3: and maybe I'm leaning more towards this poly like way
Speaker 3: of thinking, I have zero desire for my partner to
Speaker 3: feel or have the expect or the expectations of taking
Speaker 3: me on fully with every feeling, every issue in my life,
Speaker 3: every element of my life.
Speaker 1: Because again, he's my romantic partner.
Speaker 3: How we exist is so different than than my relationship
Speaker 3: with my therapist, than my relationship with my mom, than
Speaker 3: my relationship with Crystal and all of my other best friends.
Speaker 2: I think we do need to obviously still keep your
Speaker 2: friendships and shit. I think in this particular conversation I'm having,
Speaker 2: it's more so the vulnerability. It's not like, tell me everything,
Speaker 2: but I need to know when you're going through it
Speaker 2: and when there's pain there, because I haven't.
Speaker 1: Done that before.
Speaker 2: Like I did not like to show my worse self
Speaker 2: in a relationship because I never felt like it would
Speaker 2: be conducive to how they view me, kind of like
Speaker 2: me looking raggedy, Like I don't want you to see
Speaker 2: me looking raggedy, But maybe you know what exists without make.
Speaker 1: Or whatever it might be.
Speaker 2: I think like that was a very interesting turning point
Speaker 2: in learning that I'm with someone that wants to be
Speaker 2: with me for the long haul, because you're carrying in
Speaker 2: a different way. I also understand because if I found
Speaker 2: out my partner was able to come to other people
Speaker 2: about things that they couldn't come to with me, not
Speaker 2: work issues, like a podcasting, something that was deep and
Speaker 2: serious to them, that would.
Speaker 3: Hurt I don't know if that would hurt me. I
Speaker 3: think that's the crazy thing. Me and him are having
Speaker 3: these conversations a lot about what it looks like like
Speaker 3: he has a female best friend. We actually just had
Speaker 3: this conversation recently and he was like, I kind of
Speaker 3: feel like you're not as invested or don't care, Like
Speaker 3: I'm having to try to see what would you not
Speaker 3: allow because just with with anything like what she looked
Speaker 3: like his best friend is gorgeous doesn't bother me. I
Speaker 3: have I have a lot of I have a lot
Speaker 3: of male best friends. And what I'm realizing is he
Speaker 3: has the confusion with my response to a lot of things,
Speaker 3: and he's like, oh my god, like I went to
Speaker 3: my best friend's play then dropped her best friend off
Speaker 3: at home and met her family and we all hung
Speaker 3: out and ate dinner before the play, and he was like,
Speaker 3: you asked me how the play was, You asked me
Speaker 3: how the dinner was, and that's it. He's like, I
Speaker 3: counted if I shared that same story with any of
Speaker 3: my exes, I would have all hell would have broke loose,
Speaker 3: because what do you mean you dropped off another woman home?
Speaker 3: What do you mean you met your female best friends?
Speaker 3: He was like, I actually wasn't allowed to have my
Speaker 3: best friend around in my last relationship because she was
Speaker 3: a woman. And so he's like, I had this conversation
Speaker 3: with my mom trying to figure out what the line is,
Speaker 3: because you don't show up with jealousy and rage and
Speaker 3: arguments over things that.
Speaker 1: In my past relationships sayame too well. But that's the thing.
Speaker 3: And I told him, I said, there's no way I
Speaker 3: would show up that way because when I'm out with Keith,
Speaker 3: or I'm on the phone with Ish, or I'm like
Speaker 3: literally my homeboy side came over my house the other
Speaker 3: day for game night.
Speaker 1: I said, Babe, I'm around a lot of men.
Speaker 3: I said, there's no way I could show up that
Speaker 3: way because I, in no way would expect your behavior
Speaker 3: to be that way with.
Speaker 1: Me, Wolf, just because you're ho teppye.
Speaker 2: So my partner has told me this is the first
Speaker 2: time he's ever been around a woman that's had so
Speaker 2: many men around. And now you know my homeboys are
Speaker 2: his alex Andre whatever, even my gay male friends.
Speaker 1: Right.
Speaker 2: I'm bringing this up because when Brie found out my
Speaker 2: male friends were hanging or maybe one needed to stay
Speaker 2: over because I have a two betterman New York, She's like,
Speaker 2: there should be no male female friendship, Like the fuck
Speaker 2: that's way too close. Do you think a woman having
Speaker 2: close male friends is something you could deal with or
Speaker 2: something that's respectful to a long term relationship?
Speaker 1: Hey, Ed, and you're on camera? Are you not on
Speaker 1: camera because you laughing? Oh? You ain't no camera, that's
Speaker 1: why you laughing.
Speaker 2: Okay, because we have a different male friendships and pretty
Speaker 2: much running our shit the same.
Speaker 1: I want to know what.
Speaker 5: You think it got to be, like, absolutely no chance
Speaker 5: humanly possible that there's like some them to see or
Speaker 5: like thoughts about each other. They got to be one
Speaker 5: hundred percent.
Speaker 1: How do you ever know that? Though? And I see
Speaker 1: this is the conversation Eddon's pointed at me because my
Speaker 1: man is like, all them.
Speaker 2: Niggas want to fuck you, I believe. I don't believe. No, man,
Speaker 2: it wouldn't take it. If you want to suck they dick,
Speaker 2: if you want to fuck them, it would they not
Speaker 2: your brother.
Speaker 5: It's gonna take some interrogation, you know what I mean.
Speaker 1: It's gonna take terrogation. You would terrogate in the mail front.
Speaker 5: And terrogating everything, asking her what have y'all been through?
Speaker 5: What type of have y'all slept in the same bed,
Speaker 5: like certain things are like good c's and be like
Speaker 5: it's something going on right here, Like y'all sleeping in
Speaker 5: the same bed once before.
Speaker 3: That's a red flag for me sleeping in the same
Speaker 3: bed together. But if there was no sex, nigga, maybe
Speaker 3: we had to keep bed thigg's cuddled before some shit
Speaker 3: like is different than just laying in.
Speaker 2: Alex and I had to share a bed and it
Speaker 2: was awful. We were in Soho house in Israel. They
Speaker 2: had no two beds, and he was like, I'm gonna
Speaker 2: get the pillow. Good bitch, ain't no what you want
Speaker 2: me to do. But I remember it being weird and
Speaker 2: I was single at the time, and I remember when
Speaker 2: he called his girl. I was like, I can't believe hit.
Speaker 2: This bitch knows I'm right here, Like, is he insane?
Speaker 2: And she's very secure because it wouldn't be me.
Speaker 1: I don't like that. You ain't about to sit up
Speaker 1: in the motherfucking bed with your female best friend and
Speaker 1: you hi, nigga.
Speaker 4: What a contrast?
Speaker 1: No, I think there needs to be boundaries. Number one,
Speaker 1: Oh for sure.
Speaker 2: My partner told me when we first met, like, what
Speaker 2: the fuck are you going to dinner with niggas?
Speaker 1: For what? I go to dinner? I was at that house.
Speaker 1: I was like, I'm so confused. I thought this was normal.
Speaker 2: Now I see now, I think what's happened now is
Speaker 2: he's just like maybe because he has a relationship with
Speaker 2: these men, but also I'm bouncing around different cities. I'm
Speaker 2: catching my homeboys wherever, Like we're talking about work whatever.
Speaker 1: I get it. But he's like, how the fuck would
Speaker 1: you feel about me taking a bit?
Speaker 3: My boyfriend facetimed me he went over his best friend's
Speaker 3: house and she was cooking. She was cooking a lot
Speaker 3: of food, and he went over and her homegirls was
Speaker 3: there and I'm.
Speaker 1: On face time. It was just He's good.
Speaker 3: That's his best friend, right, I have I have male
Speaker 3: best friends, So I like to tell her be I used.
Speaker 2: To cook for Alex when we were both single. I'm
Speaker 2: gonna be honest. This is someone I own a business
Speaker 2: with and I've been friends with a long time.
Speaker 1: I can understand if I was making a meal for Alex,
Speaker 1: how that would make my partner feel.
Speaker 2: Right now, yes, now, in his mind, Alex and I
Speaker 2: are always gonna talk about work when we're around each other.
Speaker 2: Now it's just turned into that. But I'm trying to think,
Speaker 2: what if.
Speaker 1: It was Andre?
Speaker 4: Now I feel like hypocritical because I'm like, because I.
Speaker 1: Do think it's kind of crap. Why are if Andre?
Speaker 2: Because and Andre is the close meal friend I have
Speaker 2: that I don't have networking or work relationships. Right, Andre
Speaker 2: comes over just for me to cook for him? Now,
Speaker 2: But y'all closed though, I know, and that's different. That's
Speaker 2: what I'm okay.
Speaker 4: See, this is the thing. If a stranger cooked, if
Speaker 4: my girl cooked the cook cooked the meal for another dude,
Speaker 4: I don't really know like that, I'm like, what the fuck?
Speaker 4: If it is like one of her bestest friends, I'd
Speaker 4: be like, Okay, cool, it's not a big deal. Now,
Speaker 4: my girl. I could only imagine if someone cooked the
Speaker 4: meal for me in either sense, I could see them.
Speaker 1: But can you see your girl? You have an old man,
Speaker 1: white man.
Speaker 3: Did and I was like, okay, mabe good, because you're
Speaker 3: cooking looks like dog.
Speaker 1: Food, So I hope you get that. Well, let me
Speaker 1: tell you.
Speaker 2: I think it's the thing, the only thing, and this
Speaker 2: is fucked up. I really believe this, and I'm lucky
Speaker 2: that in these two male relationships it's not the case.
Speaker 2: However it was the case in other ones. It's never
Speaker 2: happened to me with al or Andre, but there's always
Speaker 2: one that if something was a little different, they would
Speaker 2: do it.
Speaker 4: So the question is, are you allowed to cook for
Speaker 4: another person?
Speaker 3: No?
Speaker 2: No, do y'all believe that in a male and female dynamic,
Speaker 2: there's always one who feels.
Speaker 3: Like I mean, I'm not gonna lie that me and
Speaker 3: him just it's funny because where I don't exhibit jealousy
Speaker 3: at all, he kind of does. I was telling him
Speaker 3: a story about I'm not gonna say which person, but
Speaker 3: someone in a sex club has made me squirt before, right,
Speaker 3: And I was just at a sex club in Atlanta
Speaker 3: and they were there and my homegirl.
Speaker 1: Got to experience the magical fingers.
Speaker 4: And so I'm feeling you can't say magical fings magical fingers,
Speaker 4: like if I was your man hearing this and I
Speaker 4: just heard my girl talk about magical fingers sperms.
Speaker 3: Anyway, Anyway, what's crazy is so I'm telling him that,
Speaker 3: you know, I h and he was like, we're gonna
Speaker 3: put a pin in this because I feel away.
Speaker 1: What do you mean you were just in the room
Speaker 1: with someone who had fingered you.
Speaker 3: Before, And I was like, yeah, the op a tough,
Speaker 3: and I said, and when he fingered me, nigga, it
Speaker 3: was with and with the permission of my ex boyfriend
Speaker 3: in a sex cluff.
Speaker 2: I'm your relationship today as it stands. Can you get
Speaker 2: could you have gotten fingered by him?
Speaker 3: Oh? I'm not gonna lie, And maybe y'all to hear
Speaker 3: more of it on Patreon. I literally went out the
Speaker 3: other night and literally text him sub drunk, babe, what's
Speaker 3: our boundaries again? Because I want to eat pussy tonight
Speaker 3: and I literally fucked someone the girl, and well, no, no, no,
Speaker 3: right now, it's just women. He's even said, Babe, if
Speaker 3: we have so much time apart, and you have the urge.
Speaker 3: I would want you to share with me that urge
Speaker 3: to see a man, because I'll probably try to book
Speaker 3: the next flight out. But if we're in a space
Speaker 3: where like he's looking at a role right now, that
Speaker 3: might take him to Europe for months, and she's like,
Speaker 3: I can't get to Europe because maybe we're on tour.
Speaker 1: I let him know.
Speaker 3: We'll have that conversation, but you could have sex, and baby,
Speaker 3: if I'm in the need, I'm gonna need some too.
Speaker 2: Do you think he has the same sexual appetite of
Speaker 2: like wanting to fuck other people.
Speaker 3: No, he's told me he doesn't. Okay, that's on him.
Speaker 3: I like, I mean, I like women, which is why
Speaker 3: like I did. I hit him up and was like, babe,
Speaker 3: I really want to like be with a woman tonight.
Speaker 1: But right now he doesn't want you to sex with
Speaker 1: other men? No, no, no, no no. But I don't
Speaker 1: need to. Like even the way he's like the flowers.
Speaker 3: Woman, I just want to say, well, no, he ain't
Speaker 3: got a pussy, so I'm completely different. Like sex and
Speaker 3: intimacy with a woman is way different than a man,
Speaker 3: which is why I've said, we are non monogamous, and
Speaker 3: an element of that is because when and if I
Speaker 3: have the desire to be with a woman, I don't
Speaker 3: want that cage the way. I just love that shit though, Yeah,
Speaker 3: I think the real part of it, No, they also
Speaker 3: love it when it's when they can be a part
Speaker 3: of it.
Speaker 1: Mind you.
Speaker 3: I also so he asked me about the like, so, baby,
Speaker 3: did you get pussy last night? I said yeah. He
Speaker 3: was like, ooh, tell me about her. I said, it
Speaker 3: was my friend and me and her just went and
Speaker 3: got food the other night. And so even him, he's.
Speaker 1: Like, oh, she was really touchy on you. But I'm like, nigga,
Speaker 1: you know, we fuck. So that's my friend.
Speaker 3: He's having to get used to the fact that, well,
Speaker 3: I've fucked quite a.
Speaker 1: Bit of my friends.
Speaker 3: Like he's about to meet one in La Babe, we've
Speaker 3: had sex before, like, and so now he's like, I
Speaker 3: want to know who you've had sex with before, even
Speaker 3: if I meet them, And I said.
Speaker 1: Okay, oh, I think that's a good rule. Yeah, I
Speaker 1: think that's fine. Girl.
Speaker 2: We just went out to some I'm a piano party
Speaker 2: of love little house and I'm like, it was so funny.
Speaker 2: I was like, damn, that girl looks so cute and familiar.
Speaker 2: I thought she was like an influencer. So he's looking
Speaker 2: invarits and I'm like, what's wrong?
Speaker 1: Oh?
Speaker 2: Is that the bitch you fucking the parking lot that
Speaker 2: one time? And then a second later I'm like, oh,
Speaker 2: I went out with that n again. He's like, who
Speaker 2: the fuck are we?
Speaker 1: Bro?
Speaker 2: We just think that we can't go nowhere, And I
Speaker 2: love having that, but I will say I like knowing
Speaker 2: I don't want to be around no bitch.
Speaker 1: I'm saying what's up too? Because I'm a cool ass bitch.
Speaker 2: Bro, you told me you was fucking a bitch last
Speaker 2: week when I was out of town. As long as
Speaker 2: I know, I'm okay, I'm very very comfortable. The sneakiness
Speaker 2: is what I can't do knowing that I could be
Speaker 2: around somebody that you are keeping.
Speaker 1: You're holding this from so you I don't know, man,
Speaker 1: I just.
Speaker 4: What's a good time to tell your said partner about this?
Speaker 4: By the way, what do you mean.
Speaker 1: If we're in a space, Let's just say we go
Speaker 1: out to a restaurant bar, tell them.
Speaker 4: Because I've had scenarios like this before, were you before too?
Speaker 4: Oh yeah, okay, yeah, so I've had a partner, and
Speaker 4: then she was around on the girl that yeah you
Speaker 4: don't let me comnicated with, and then so okay, so okay,
Speaker 4: so I got to do it there.
Speaker 3: Yes, ah, oh you should have seen the way me
Speaker 3: and me and my boyfriend just been telling stories and
Speaker 3: I brought up somebody and he was like, ah, that's
Speaker 3: relationship with that person.
Speaker 1: So then he brings someone else up, and I.
Speaker 3: Had to be like, you remember how you were weird
Speaker 3: about me because they were celebrities.
Speaker 1: So I was like, ah, you want to know how
Speaker 1: it was weird? I brought up that girl, Oh I'm
Speaker 1: adjacent to Oh yeah, that guy that you just mentioned.
Speaker 1: We kind of fucked.
Speaker 3: And it's so funny because he was like, I'm actually
Speaker 3: kind of shocked. I mean we kind of fucked. I
Speaker 3: kind of kind of let him put it in. Yeah,
Speaker 3: we kind of it was only like a two time thing.
Speaker 3: And here he goes because you know, he was like,
Speaker 3: would you really.
Speaker 2: He said, what would you want to know if you
Speaker 2: were in the same space or would you want to
Speaker 2: know later space?
Speaker 1: You're even one of his work events.
Speaker 2: Let's say there's a colleague he slept with, or a
Speaker 2: woman that's in the field.
Speaker 1: Whatever.
Speaker 2: Would you want to know if you guys are around
Speaker 2: her all night or would you want to know later?
Speaker 2: Do you have a boundary with that that you know yet?
Speaker 3: Let me know what changes anything?
Speaker 2: No, I'm saying, Mandy, but when would you feel weird
Speaker 2: if he told you the next day, next week?
Speaker 1: I was there three to three.
Speaker 3: I mean, it depends if we are talking to each other.
Speaker 3: If it's a woman who's just in the room that
Speaker 3: I don't have a connect, she comes up and you know,
Speaker 3: I'm introduced to her at that moment.
Speaker 1: When she leaves us, maybe tell me because now I've been.
Speaker 2: So you want to know in the place, if we've interacted. Yeah,
Speaker 2: that's the point.
Speaker 1: If she's just in the room. So Macie, you point
Speaker 1: out everybody that you've fucked in the room. If I like,
Speaker 1: I might not have even.
Speaker 2: Seen there shouldn't be that many people in the room.
Speaker 2: But I will say I've never seen him ignore someone
Speaker 2: he slept with. Generally speaking, he'll tell me, oh that
Speaker 2: girl over there, and he'll always say.
Speaker 3: Hello, Oh, I ain't gonna hold you the whole nigg
Speaker 3: is Hey, if you see me with a nigga. Do
Speaker 3: not come up and speak to me. Do not disrespect
Speaker 3: We are not together. If I am with another nigga,
Speaker 3: I'm not gonna lie. I think it's petty and stiff, disrespectful.
Speaker 3: What if we fucked before and I'm outside with another nigga,
Speaker 3: do not text me, d M me or I meant me,
Speaker 3: say you saw me in the room.
Speaker 1: Okay, that's kind of why the fun out of here?
Speaker 1: That's weird.
Speaker 4: It's weird, like the dude texting her you know.
Speaker 1: I saw you, but I've seen you was happening and
Speaker 1: say hello. No, no, no, even I was in Nobo. I
Speaker 1: was a nobu before I got with my boyfriend.
Speaker 2: Nope, you're saying, don't say hello, Hello, I don't know
Speaker 2: say hello.
Speaker 4: Fuck No, why why you want to know?
Speaker 3: If you're across the room and you see me on
Speaker 3: a dat or with somebody and all we did was fun.
Speaker 1: Let's be very clear, y'all know a bitch only got walk.
Speaker 3: I fucked and you see me out with another nigga,
Speaker 3: do not make yourself be known.
Speaker 1: Do not come and say hi. Keep your ass across
Speaker 1: the room. I mean, if I do here, you got
Speaker 1: me fucked up. There's no reason if all we did.
Speaker 3: Was fuck, which again, y'all know I got one x
Speaker 3: everybody else situationships buck boys do not come and speak
Speaker 3: to me another say nothing. So no, if I see
Speaker 3: a man from across the room that I slept with
Speaker 3: who is clearly out with another woman, I'm making my
Speaker 3: way to go over there to say hi.
Speaker 1: I mean, I say hi.
Speaker 2: I'm not gonna I'm saying, don't getting proximity like at
Speaker 2: the bar, or I'm not gonna.
Speaker 1: Not like it.
Speaker 3: But no, no, no, That's why I just think that I
Speaker 3: distinctively said, if we are across the room, there's no
Speaker 3: reason for you to make your way to come say hi.
Speaker 1: So I guess I wouldn't do this. I have a
Speaker 1: thing of I'm pretty okay with coexisting when people are fucked.
Speaker 1: Oh me too, we can coexist.
Speaker 3: If I am there with another man, do not come
Speaker 3: in and introduce yourself.
Speaker 4: So you guys are two completely different personalities. Clearly, what
Speaker 4: would be the how do I say it to you?
Speaker 4: Right and we're in I'm in the vicinity of a
Speaker 4: woman that I've pornicated with, and I'm with you right now.
Speaker 1: I fucked her.
Speaker 4: That sounds a little too easy, and I don't want
Speaker 4: to fall into that job.
Speaker 1: I don't well to me.
Speaker 3: To me, it depends your expectations if you've already had
Speaker 3: the previous conversation.
Speaker 1: Literally bring up babe.
Speaker 3: You know you remember how we said if we were
Speaker 3: in a space, you would want to know if I
Speaker 3: had sex with anyone in the room. Well, the girl
Speaker 3: over there, it was years ago. You don't have to
Speaker 3: worry about it.
Speaker 1: We don't even talk to me. I just want to
Speaker 1: tell you. But I mean, even if it was, well,
Speaker 1: it wouldn't have been last week. This is you're in
Speaker 1: a relationship.
Speaker 3: You've discussed these boundaries right then it becomes that. But again,
Speaker 3: you've had the conversation, so you preface it with the
Speaker 3: same way I did.
Speaker 1: Babe, what was our boundary again? About women? You want
Speaker 1: to know before or after?
Speaker 3: That's literally what I text them while I was out
Speaker 3: and he was like, Babe, you about to And I said, yeah,
Speaker 3: I really want some tonight.
Speaker 1: And I told him about it the next day.
Speaker 4: This is my son in high school ish. But now,
Speaker 4: if what if you didn't fuck her, what if you
Speaker 4: made out with her before.
Speaker 1: Made out date? You could say we dated. I mean
Speaker 1: that's a loose term. Now, I still had those warnings.
Speaker 2: There was a DJ that I really wanted to go
Speaker 2: see and he was like just letting you know, my
Speaker 2: a finger popping and some shit and all that.
Speaker 1: So then I'm not buying tickets. You get them.
Speaker 4: Oh that's great, A bitches fire.
Speaker 1: I don't give a fuck. We still go.
Speaker 2: I don't know, I feel it's like this, right, I'm
Speaker 2: speaking from a slight place of privilege in this moment
Speaker 2: because of the status of my relationship. However, I've definitely
Speaker 2: been in scenarios where I wasn't in a committed relationship.
Speaker 2: I was just dating and I felt like not as secure.
Speaker 2: When someone makes you feel secure, it's easy to feel easy,
Speaker 2: breezy about other women. Men make women feel invalidated a
Speaker 2: lot of the time about their place in their life
Speaker 2: or whatever, or just feeling like their eyes are on
Speaker 2: other women, whatever the case may be. So it does
Speaker 2: take a lot of confidence to get there. So I
Speaker 2: don't know if everyone can feel that in this particular moment.
Speaker 2: Who's listening if it happens, But what I I would
Speaker 2: say definitely talking about respect and how you'll be treated
Speaker 2: in those spaces that's happened to me a lot. I've
Speaker 2: always thought to myself, Oh my god, what if we're
Speaker 2: at a show and this Nikka fucked one of the
Speaker 2: people in the audience, right, How would that make me feel?
Speaker 1: What do we do? How do we carry it on?
Speaker 2: Especially being that he's fucked women I'm fans of, that's
Speaker 2: kind of weird. But also at the same time, it's
Speaker 2: not you guys are hot people. Of course you fucked
Speaker 2: some model bitches out here, duh. So I think it's
Speaker 2: really just like, how will we conduct ourselves in these spaces?
Speaker 1: What will we do?
Speaker 3: It's also not the conducting in space. I think what
Speaker 3: I'm realizing with my partner now is the unhealthy level
Speaker 3: of toxicity that exists in relationships, in terms of, oh,
Speaker 3: you only think I care if I showcase jealousy. You
Speaker 3: only think I care if I'm arguing with you about this,
Speaker 3: and that, like the fact that he's like, baby, you
Speaker 3: don't get mad at me when I'm doing things that
Speaker 3: other women have got mad about, and I'm like, babe,
Speaker 3: you have to realize like that those were women who
Speaker 3: led with their insecurity or brought their traumas into a
Speaker 3: relationship that just because I'm not getting upset doesn't mean
Speaker 3: I care less for you.
Speaker 1: That's not true. If a woman is upset about him
Speaker 1: eating at his best friend's house, that doesn't mean she's insecure.
Speaker 3: Well to me, if it's if it's a woman, it
Speaker 3: could be a trauma because maybe an ex fucked their
Speaker 3: last you know, his last one.
Speaker 1: But you can have a boundary without being insecure.
Speaker 3: To me, though, the element of platonic friendships being a
Speaker 3: quote unquote boundary for people, I do think that that
Speaker 3: is a toxic insecure trick.
Speaker 2: People should people are allowed to have. We are so
Speaker 2: far on the non ethical, non monogamy scale. I think
Speaker 2: we forget normal, possible regular boundaries for some, but I
Speaker 2: think a lot of but normally, no, they don't. People
Speaker 2: can have boundaries and they're not labeled as insecure. For example,
Speaker 2: you know your person has a platonic friend cool. Maybe
Speaker 2: the boundaries being in the home. Maybe you just don't
Speaker 2: want your man going to that woman's home and her
Speaker 2: coming into his. That's totally fine as a boundary. I
Speaker 2: don't have that one.
Speaker 1: It needed to you.
Speaker 2: But that doesn't make someone insecure because they have that boundary.
Speaker 2: The levels of respect that people have for each other
Speaker 2: or want for themselves doesn't make them insecure. Because I
Speaker 2: want my man and I to talk openly about sex
Speaker 2: or right now we're monogamish, that doesn't make me insecure.
Speaker 1: I think insecure is one of the.
Speaker 3: Words that have such a negative connotation, that there's insecurities
Speaker 3: we all hold. If the insecurity is because this person
Speaker 3: is of the opposite sex, where is that semming from
Speaker 3: that you have no problem with him going over his
Speaker 3: boy's house.
Speaker 1: I think when I bring up.
Speaker 3: The insecurity, it is the lack of trust and the
Speaker 3: inability to view one Let me finish, because if the
Speaker 3: only difference is this person can't do this with a
Speaker 3: female friend but he could do it with a male friend,
Speaker 3: there's an insecurity or of trust. I'll use that since
Speaker 3: there's such a such a stigma around the word insecure.
Speaker 3: But I think that when we act as though people
Speaker 3: of opposite genders can't hold these platonic relationships, or you
Speaker 3: don't trust your partner to not slide.
Speaker 1: Or the woman's slide.
Speaker 3: If they can do something with their male friends that
Speaker 3: they're not allowed to do with their female friends, I say,
Speaker 3: and this is my opinion alone, again, everyone has one,
Speaker 3: an opinion and an asshole.
Speaker 1: You could disagree with me here, but I'm not wrong.
Speaker 1: You're not wrong.
Speaker 3: I believe and I perceive it to be an insecurity
Speaker 3: if the boundaries are only associated to friends of the
Speaker 3: opposite So.
Speaker 2: Then since you consider it a lack of trust, can
Speaker 2: he sleep over? Then can he go on vacation with her?
Speaker 1: No? No?
Speaker 2: No, Because to your point, if going in the home
Speaker 2: is the insecurity boundary, then where do you draw a line?
Speaker 2: Because if you have none, then you have none. But
Speaker 2: I actually think that's really unfair to say, because yes,
Speaker 2: there needs to be boundaries. I agree with boundaries in
Speaker 2: a relationship. I agree with that, So I'm not just
Speaker 2: agreeing with that. Or how come a boundary for what
Speaker 2: I want within a platonic friendship is lacked? Is me
Speaker 2: lacking trust in you? Or being insecure? That's a boundary.
Speaker 2: A boundary is not an insecurity.
Speaker 1: No, there's not.
Speaker 3: But again, when you're in a romantic relationship, you also
Speaker 3: and everything is customizable, so boundaries don't necessarily aren't necessarily
Speaker 3: an umbrella over a friendship or relationship.
Speaker 1: Should your line be what is he not allowed to
Speaker 1: do with his platonic friend.
Speaker 3: Oh, go on an international trip with just him.
Speaker 1: Andre and we're friends. So did you do that? Did
Speaker 1: you do that while you were in a relationship. I
Speaker 1: went to South Africa with him and his own boy.
Speaker 3: So that's a group setting. We literally just had a
Speaker 3: group setting. To me, is fine if someone else will
Speaker 3: be there. We literally just had this conversation. He's like, Babe,
Speaker 3: if if my best friend I won't say her name,
Speaker 3: wanted me to join her and Antiga because you're going
Speaker 3: to Dreamville, could I do it?
Speaker 1: I said, Well, who else is going to be there?
Speaker 3: I said, if it's a group thing, if it's a
Speaker 3: birthday trip, if for if her friends are going to
Speaker 3: be there, go.
Speaker 1: So they can go to Miami, but they can't go
Speaker 1: to Antigue Like no, it's literally an international trick, but
Speaker 1: that's what I'm saying. So they can go to Miami together.
Speaker 3: It's like we're all walking the carpet together with him,
Speaker 3: and like a boundary would be like, no, she can't
Speaker 3: walk the carpet with you because I'm.
Speaker 1: There, and I don't why actually that we're going to
Speaker 1: be there together.
Speaker 2: I think you haven't been put into place yet to
Speaker 2: feel uncomfortable, but you are really expressing boundaries like no,
Speaker 2: but I think it's sizable but right, But what you're
Speaker 2: saying could be an insecurity. Then to your point, your insecurity,
Speaker 2: you have a lack of trust international, No, it's just
Speaker 2: something you don't like because you can feel disrespected, whereas
Speaker 2: other people can feel that alone in.
Speaker 1: A home with someone.
Speaker 2: The way that you can feel respected in your relationship
Speaker 2: doesn't necessarily mean it's an insecurity.
Speaker 1: And you're saying that there's a buzzword on the insecurity.
Speaker 3: But if there's also a buzzword on lack of trust, again,
Speaker 3: that's not good.
Speaker 1: But both things can exist both.
Speaker 3: Like I'm fine with saying, as a human being we
Speaker 3: have insecurities, I'm fine with as a human being saying
Speaker 3: when we're in relationships there may be elements of lack
Speaker 3: of trust because in different scenarios you may be tested differently.
Speaker 3: I don't have a problem with her cooking for you.
Speaker 3: Do I want y'all to be five days getting drunk
Speaker 3: together on an island together?
Speaker 1: No, And I as a human being can.
Speaker 3: Express and admit that maybe that comes from my mind
Speaker 3: working and feeling like this whole trip may not be innocent,
Speaker 3: So no, that would be a boundary of an insecurity
Speaker 3: always got.
Speaker 1: A meal to make it a trip to go on?
Speaker 2: Hell no, now, Wolf, I'm a gonna throw it to you.
Speaker 2: What do you think would be a boundary or something
Speaker 2: you may have within platonic friendships? Just to hear from
Speaker 2: a man's perspective, because again, Mandy and I are I
Speaker 2: feel like really loose with our boundaries, nigga.
Speaker 5: Lunch a boundary that I would have for platonic friends
Speaker 5: in the.
Speaker 2: Relationship, your girl has a guy best friend, what are
Speaker 2: they allowed to do or not?
Speaker 1: He's got tickets to again?
Speaker 4: Okay, I got one for you.
Speaker 5: I got one for you right now. If y'all hanging out,
Speaker 5: I would feel most comfortable if you let me know
Speaker 5: before I would feel you know, I don't want to
Speaker 5: put too much yellow tape around this one, but like
Speaker 5: I don't want to hear like oh me and Joseph
Speaker 5: when it had drinks, you know what I mean? Like,
Speaker 5: I would prefer you let me know. I just feel
Speaker 5: more for incluted, you know what I mean? Something like that.
Speaker 5: But I've dealt with that in a relationship. I've dealt
Speaker 5: with that in a relationship before where the nigga came
Speaker 5: and told me like, hey, yo, like we're gonna all
Speaker 5: get drinks later today And I was like, what you're
Speaker 5: talking about? What you're talking about? And I felt dumb,
Speaker 5: you know what I mean? And I didn't have a
Speaker 5: problem with him, but it was just like in the
Speaker 5: way I like to run my relationships, like come and
Speaker 5: make sure I'm comfortable with that first, because I would
Speaker 5: absolutely do the same thing to you.
Speaker 3: What's crazy about that is though it's the simple thing
Speaker 3: of I mean, communication is key. We've been saying that
Speaker 3: since probably the beginning of time on this podcast, but
Speaker 3: people have in telling sometimes their partner what they're gonna do,
Speaker 3: a lot of times we perceive that it's gonna be
Speaker 3: an argument before we even do it, so we don't
Speaker 3: feel the need to communicate it because we don't want
Speaker 3: the argument or we don't want the conflict, when in reality,
Speaker 3: so much can be resolved if you just communicate that
Speaker 3: this is what you're about to do. I also think
Speaker 3: like a lot of people don't. Yeah, they're not leaving
Speaker 3: the space for you to communicate that.
Speaker 1: Yeah.
Speaker 2: I remember the first time my partner told me about
Speaker 2: sex with someone else, So I was. I told him
Speaker 2: I want to know before, and it was a I
Speaker 2: think I was away and he sent me a message
Speaker 2: about it.
Speaker 1: I said, okay, baby, I'll talk to you later.
Speaker 2: And he called me later that night and we started
Speaker 2: talking normal and he's like, okay, no, and you're gonna
Speaker 2: ask me like when are we.
Speaker 1: Gonna do this? Like it was it was weird.
Speaker 2: It was it was like kind of uncomfortable because it's
Speaker 2: such a new thing, like how do you learn each
Speaker 2: other's boundaries?
Speaker 1: How do you learn what to do? How do you
Speaker 1: learn how to tell someone you're gonna fuck someone else? Like?
Speaker 2: And I honestly think the uncomfortability for him was probably
Speaker 2: why you an't really do it again, because it's just like, damn,
Speaker 2: this is something that maybe I don't enjoy, Like maybe
Speaker 2: I can't really handle how this feels. Maybe it does
Speaker 2: feel like a cheat because that is one of my rules.
Speaker 2: I want to know before, just like a platonic friend
Speaker 2: hangout right. I think being the open space for wanting
Speaker 2: to be told about news is what all of us
Speaker 2: need to do. Ladies, if you have a friend, if
Speaker 2: you have a guy who wants to hang with his
Speaker 2: homegirl but ends up telling you later. I totally agreeab Wolf,
Speaker 2: I agree, let me know before. Like, but then when
Speaker 2: he tells you, you're like, oh, you're gonna bee an
Speaker 2: average again.
Speaker 1: I mean, I'm me.
Speaker 3: It's not even I don't normally tell him everything before,
Speaker 3: but if he calls me, I'd pick up like, hey, babe,
Speaker 3: this is who I'm with, and I introduce and I'd
Speaker 3: be like, this is my boyfriend, like like, my boyfriend
Speaker 3: has met almost everyone on FaceTime.
Speaker 1: Gets so annoyed with that.
Speaker 2: I know he would be like, bitch, on the fuck
Speaker 2: I didn't get on a god to be a phone
Speaker 2: I called you. It's so crazy because it's different strokes.
Speaker 2: I could see if I'm sitting with a dude and
Speaker 2: I answer my call, Hey, this is my friend Mark,
Speaker 2: he works at Netflix. We just gotta drink together, he'd
Speaker 2: be like, okay, bitch, I'm calling you.
Speaker 1: Get back on this phone.
Speaker 2: Like I wouldn't like him to do me to know
Speaker 2: bitch either. That wouldn't make me feel good. I mean,
Speaker 2: but to me, it takes the guard down of it
Speaker 2: being something. I mean, you just said you have to
Speaker 2: tell him when you're with a platonic friend.
Speaker 1: I'm saying that I didn't say I have to. Oh,
Speaker 1: I said I would like that.
Speaker 3: Oh well, while I'm out, I'm not telling anybody my
Speaker 3: everyday move because sometimes shit is last minute and I'm
Speaker 3: not asking for permission and I'm not. So if I'm
Speaker 3: out and you call me, hey, babe, I'm out. This
Speaker 3: is my friend right now, this is so, and so
Speaker 3: I'll call you when I get home. Muh like to me,
Speaker 3: I would appreciate that, even from him, because now, okay,
Speaker 3: there's nothing to hide.
Speaker 1: You know exactly what I'm doing. I'll hit you when
Speaker 1: I leave them. Host don't want to suck that dick.
Speaker 1: Let me tell you something. I don't give a fuck.
Speaker 1: That hole can sit here and be like, oh man,
Speaker 1: when you come tow La, I'll.
Speaker 2: Make you fucking curry chicken too, bitch, put it up
Speaker 2: your asshole.
Speaker 1: I don't give a fuck. Them hoes be sneaking. They'd
Speaker 1: be lying. Any niggas be lying, and that is why
Speaker 1: you need to buy no host bar. We were gonna
Speaker 1: tell you all what what.
Speaker 2: To do and where we learn from our mistakes. I
Speaker 2: hope you guys really enjoyed this episode. I kind of
Speaker 2: loved talking about this because even though we have so
Speaker 2: much of the same, like because I'm the same way right,
Speaker 2: go out with your homegrown and give a fuck nigga.
Speaker 2: We have so much of the same ethical nominogamy ideals,
Speaker 2: but very different structures and rules around what makes us
Speaker 2: feel safe and comfortable in a relationship. Absolutely, it's so interchangeable,
Speaker 2: like I don't know, I just I've told you recently
Speaker 2: and I've said it a few times in horrible I
Speaker 2: hate the recent E and M talk because I really
Speaker 2: don't think people know what they're doing. I don't think
Speaker 2: they know how to express what they want, how they
Speaker 2: feel comfortable. I think that everybody's just kind of seeing
Speaker 2: what fits.
Speaker 3: And I mean, I'm also with someone who has never
Speaker 3: even thought to be in it. He's he's very monogamous,
Speaker 3: and he's open to figuring out how my mind works
Speaker 3: and how to feel safer in expressing things that in
Speaker 3: previous relationships he didn't have the autonomy too. And I
Speaker 3: love it for us, like I'm excited about us exploring
Speaker 3: these things together, explore. But again, I think it's also
Speaker 3: very again customizable. He's probably not someone that will feel
Speaker 3: as comfortable in a sex club as my previous partner.
Speaker 3: And it's fine because I've also been to three sex
Speaker 3: clubs since we've been together, and I've got to express
Speaker 3: and tell him all the things and he's like, yeah,
Speaker 3: I don't know if.
Speaker 1: I would like that, but I like it's very he
Speaker 1: would enjoy it. Seems like he loves he would hate it. No, no, no.
Speaker 2: I think when you care about someone very much, you
Speaker 2: enjoy watching them have a great time. And I think
Speaker 2: that when he sees how comfortable you can.
Speaker 3: Be, it reminds me of the conversation with King Noir
Speaker 3: he said he hated pretty Ricky. If you got a
Speaker 3: friend that you want to go enjoy pretty Ricky with,
Speaker 3: go enjoy it. And I'm not gonna try to say, bitch,
Speaker 3: I am pretty Ricky. I wouldn't even want to bring
Speaker 3: my man into a space where he could ruin it
Speaker 3: for me, because I know how even I describe it,
Speaker 3: he seems so uninterested.
Speaker 1: I you don't have to come. This is something that
Speaker 1: I am tour. Probably not, Why would they not? You're
Speaker 1: not gonna bring him on? And I don't know, probably
Speaker 1: doubt it.
Speaker 3: You could go bring that baby dad. I'm surprised because
Speaker 3: he came to Denver, YEP. And you didn't meet him
Speaker 3: there where it's to meet your boyfriend. Would wouldn't meet
Speaker 3: your boyfriend. I'm keeping him very suburb I did it.
Speaker 3: I didn't say you were begging. I'm just saying where
Speaker 3: we're at, we're gonna I'm gonna keep him very very
Speaker 3: opposite of my business and work outside of this premiere,
Speaker 3: we're agreeing to do the same.
Speaker 2: Well, y'all go ahead and check us out on patreon
Speaker 2: dot com backslash Horrible Decisions, and we will see you
Speaker 2: next week.
Speaker 1: That's right. Bye ah.