Speaker 1: Traditions are changing because the culture has changed.
Speaker 2: Mmmm, dead ass, And the way I see it, I
Speaker 2: just don't be wanting mad people up in my house,
Speaker 2: know how, because my social battery be depleted. Okay, invite
Speaker 2: me somewhere that ass. Hey, I'm Kadeen and I'm Devoured
Speaker 2: and we're the Ellis's.
Speaker 3: You may know us from posting funny videos with our.
Speaker 2: Voice and reading each other publicly as a form of therapy.
Speaker 1: Wait, I make you need therapy most days.
Speaker 3: Wow.
Speaker 2: Oh, and one more important thing to mention, we're married.
Speaker 3: Yes, sir, we are. We created this podcast to open
Speaker 3: dialogue about some of Li's most taboo topics.
Speaker 2: Things most folks don't want to talk about.
Speaker 3: Through the lens of a millennial married couple. Dead ass
Speaker 3: is a term that we say every day. So when
Speaker 3: we say dead ass, we're actually saying facts one hundred
Speaker 3: the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth.
Speaker 1: Were about to take philos off to our whole new level.
Speaker 2: Dead ass starts right now.
Speaker 3: So story time, I'm gonna take y'all back to my childhood.
Speaker 3: And when I say childhood, this is when I was
Speaker 3: a teenager. It was barbecue and then huh, oh, you
Speaker 3: you know because when you met us. Yes, it was
Speaker 3: every weekend, every single weekend.
Speaker 2: But I mean you could propose to me at a barbecue.
Speaker 1: I did my brother's.
Speaker 3: Was it Memorial Day?
Speaker 2: It was his graduation.
Speaker 1: Graduation barbie graduation barbecue.
Speaker 3: But I take y'all back to when I was about
Speaker 3: fifteen sixteen, and this was the time when we stopped
Speaker 3: going to Tennessee because my brother and I were playing
Speaker 3: sports heavy in Brooklyn. So when the summertimes now, we
Speaker 3: were back home in Brooklyn, and every weekend in the summertime,
Speaker 3: my dad would just be like, yo, going to get
Speaker 3: some ribs, going to get some burgers, some sausages. Your
Speaker 3: mother's making macaroni salad and potato salad. But y'all gonna
Speaker 3: have to grilliz meat because it's hot out there, paused,
Speaker 3: and I'm not standing out there. And we used to
Speaker 3: be like bet and that became a routine every summer. Gavin, Kevin,
Speaker 3: me Brian, my cousin Devonne, my cousin Dorian, and my
Speaker 3: cousin Portion when she used to come in from Connecticut.
Speaker 3: We would all be in the backyard playing dominoes, playing spades.
Speaker 3: Every single weekend, and it was just like something we
Speaker 3: did to kind of keep us out the street, because realistically,
Speaker 3: back in those days, if you wasn't in the backyard
Speaker 3: doing something, you was in the streets doing something you
Speaker 3: wasn't supposed to. So my dad's whole thing was like,
Speaker 3: I'd rather my kids be where I can see them, Yes,
Speaker 3: And we would invite the whole block. We would invite
Speaker 3: all our friends, whatever team I was a part of,
Speaker 3: those teammates would be there, my brother's teammates would be there.
Speaker 3: And my sister was kind of young around this time.
Speaker 3: She was ten years younger than me, so she was
Speaker 3: like six or seven years old. She ain't really have
Speaker 3: no friends like that that could come over and barbecue,
Speaker 3: but her little friends from next door on the cole
Speaker 3: and from down the block a leadah, they would come
Speaker 3: in the backyard. And that's how we weild the community,
Speaker 3: you know. It was just a safe space for all
Speaker 3: the kids to come and just chill.
Speaker 2: Shout out the scoop and mouth for feeding droves and
Speaker 2: droves and droves.
Speaker 3: I don't know how they did that. I really don't
Speaker 3: know how.
Speaker 2: I don't know either.
Speaker 1: It was costcos every week too.
Speaker 2: Yeah, that's why your mom's so tired now shout out,
Speaker 2: shout out to my because man, my girl will be tired.
Speaker 2: And I understand because I feel like that's my future.
Speaker 3: Yeah, yeah, that's gonna be our.
Speaker 2: House karaoke time. So we were conflicted about like what
Speaker 2: our karaoke song was going to be today, not really conflicted,
Speaker 2: but I feel like we should do both because they
Speaker 2: both made us think of family time, cookouts, traditions, events,
Speaker 2: gatherings as my island people would say a special all of.
Speaker 1: Those things auspicious.
Speaker 2: But but yeah, so do you want to go with
Speaker 2: your was first?
Speaker 1: What do you think I should go? Mom first?
Speaker 2: I'm gonna go first. And I was just so excited, Ready, ready,
Speaker 2: you can do it? Electric bookie woog wog. You can't
Speaker 2: do it. It's electric bookie wiggy woogie, and I know it.
Speaker 2: I don't even know the words, does anybody? I've got
Speaker 2: to move? I thank you and I'll teach you the electrics.
Speaker 2: Lie my mom electric slide champion, Okay. And it's just
Speaker 2: the way she does it with this little stush little
Speaker 2: face and the two hands be going and the hit
Speaker 2: and then it dropped forward and then pulled back on me.
Speaker 2: But my mom really I love it. But one thing,
Speaker 2: one thing, and any events we've had our moms definitely
Speaker 2: spearhead the electrics.
Speaker 3: Li.
Speaker 2: I almost banded at our wedding, but I said, you
Speaker 2: know what, I can't take that joy from our culture.
Speaker 3: You can.
Speaker 2: And then now I look very every excuse.
Speaker 3: I'm over you electric slide on every song, I'm holding
Speaker 3: on you, electric slide.
Speaker 2: I'm gonna throw that shoulder and bring it back all
Speaker 2: right now, And it's the kick and then the side.
Speaker 2: You know, what's your song. We'll reminds your cookouts and
Speaker 2: in all those things family events.
Speaker 3: Well, it's cookouts, it's weddings. It's the end of every
Speaker 3: black movie. Does anybody know what it this?
Speaker 1: Mm hmmmm mmmmmmmm hmmm.
Speaker 2: It's like what.
Speaker 3: I can see you when you all hey, even when
Speaker 3: you're talk it takes all men.
Speaker 2: Hey, that is my jam yo.
Speaker 3: That's a good one.
Speaker 2: Oh, my goodness, my goodness. All right, before we go
Speaker 2: into some more song and dance, because we definitely have
Speaker 2: some other ones. I think on the on the island
Speaker 2: side of things, what would be like the one that
Speaker 2: we would do mostly that everybody gets on the dance floor. Oh,
Speaker 2: Matt's favorite, Oh Pa, shout out to Matt. Matt shot
Speaker 2: one too many weddings. He said, I can never hear
Speaker 2: that song again for the rest of my life, and
Speaker 2: it would be too soon. He's either that or the
Speaker 2: dollar line sent I sent Tencent Dolla. Hey speaking to Dallas.
Speaker 2: Let's go pay some bills and we're gonna come back
Speaker 2: and get into the meat of the show. Where are
Speaker 2: the traditions going? Are they going? Are they saying, we
Speaker 2: don't know, We're gonna talk about it. We'll be back,
Speaker 2: all right. So we're back and we are talking about traditions, gatherings, cultural,
Speaker 2: you know, get togethers. What's happening to those What kind
Speaker 2: of sparked my interest in this conversation was seeing essence
Speaker 2: posts about it because Memorial Day weekend typically tends to
Speaker 2: be the kickoff for you know, cookout season, barbecue season,
Speaker 2: lineman season, as we say in the Islands, you know,
Speaker 2: get together is the weather's perfect. You know, everybody's looking
Speaker 2: for somewhere to go, something to do outside. So yeah,
Speaker 2: I remember those those days I coming into your family
Speaker 2: and seeing that that was like a thing and it
Speaker 2: wasn't like a formal everybody get together kind of planned event.
Speaker 2: They kind of just happened and spiraled into these get
Speaker 2: together that became a thing. What y'all doing, What y'all
Speaker 2: doing is sod. Everybody being at home doing nothing? Come on, right?
Speaker 2: And I love that your parents created, like, essentially, what
Speaker 2: was a safe space for all of the local teenagers
Speaker 2: and all of our friends and whatnot. And we would
Speaker 2: be there till the wee hours of the morning and
Speaker 2: the only stipulation was that we had to make sure
Speaker 2: we cleaned up.
Speaker 3: The sink.
Speaker 2: Your father would thorough conniption, that was the case. And
Speaker 2: then all so too after a while. It's just like, yo,
Speaker 2: if you coming, don't come empty handed. Now, facts you
Speaker 2: better bring in case of soda.
Speaker 1: Something back of hot dogs, bring bring something.
Speaker 2: Bring something. But it was the camaraderie, right, And it's
Speaker 2: crazy because as you grow, I'm kind of wondering, is
Speaker 2: it becoming a lost art form? Is it that we
Speaker 2: are aging out of that age group where people get
Speaker 2: together often because we now have responsibilities and kids and
Speaker 2: our weekends are laden with sports and you know, there's
Speaker 2: so many different factors, but not just factors when it
Speaker 2: comes to just socialization, but there're economic factors absolutely, So
Speaker 2: what's your take on in baby?
Speaker 3: The first thing I've noticed is even amongst my friends, right,
Speaker 3: I remember we were growing up, there was like, yo,
Speaker 3: where the party at? You know where's where? You know
Speaker 3: where the uncles at? You know what I'm saying, Like
Speaker 3: who house we going to? And it's like, nigga, we
Speaker 3: the uncles like they supposed to be looking to come
Speaker 3: to our house, y'all be.
Speaker 2: Fighting this shit a mug now, Like, don't be calling
Speaker 2: me auntie. Y'all be calling me auntie in the comments.
Speaker 2: I'm like that that's part of the problem though, That's
Speaker 2: why I don't want to be an auntie.
Speaker 3: But that's the problem. You're not embracing the fact that
Speaker 3: you have a responsibility to the community to open up
Speaker 3: your home so that the young people can come to
Speaker 3: your house and learn how to be the next Auntie.
Speaker 3: Too many aunties and uncles now are trying to act
Speaker 3: like young kids and they're still out in the streets.
Speaker 1: That's that's one aspect.
Speaker 2: I mean, can we push push, Let's just push the decade,
Speaker 2: like maybe when I'm like in my fifties.
Speaker 1: Really really reading your fifties.
Speaker 2: To be honest, our house is like, you're.
Speaker 3: Gonna have grandkids in your fifties, says who absolutely. Jackson
Speaker 3: is thirteen. When you turn fifty, you'll be twenty three now,
Speaker 3: so in your fifties, he's gonna have a child. You're
Speaker 3: gonna be a grandmother.
Speaker 2: I'm gonna be cute.
Speaker 3: Yeah, you will be cute. You're gonna be a thick grandma.
Speaker 3: You get a thick grandma, and you're gonna be in
Speaker 3: the backyard making potato salad and macaroni salad. So these
Speaker 3: kids can come in here because I don't want my
Speaker 3: boys out in the street either.
Speaker 2: No, I hear you.
Speaker 3: I'd rather than be here, bro, I hear you.
Speaker 2: That's why we have a kind of an open door
Speaker 2: policy with our boys and their friends. Now, I mean shit,
Speaker 2: all of out say anybody to be here all the time.
Speaker 3: But it is, it is part of that, like it
Speaker 3: just and this is not you know, some of this
Speaker 3: as jokes, but this is the reality. Right, socio economically,
Speaker 3: things have changed for us as people. My parents got
Speaker 3: married at twenty one twenty two, had their first child
Speaker 3: at twenty two, right, and they were you know, set
Speaker 3: in their lifestyle as being family people. They both worked,
Speaker 3: but they had kids. Now people are having children later.
Speaker 3: They're having children mid thirties, you know. So now that
Speaker 3: they're having children mid thirties that time where my parents
Speaker 3: were being the auntie and uncle when they were their
Speaker 3: late children, our generation isn't doing that.
Speaker 2: True.
Speaker 3: And also social economically, you can't afford to have the
Speaker 3: whole community in your backyard right now, like property property
Speaker 3: value has risen. I think even the cost of purchasing
Speaker 3: a home or the amount of people own homes now
Speaker 3: has dropped since when our parents. So not only do
Speaker 3: the aunts and uncles not want to be aunt and uncles,
Speaker 3: they don't own properties to have people come over to
Speaker 3: have cookouts at as high rate as we did back
Speaker 3: in the eighties and nineties. That's just a fact.
Speaker 2: And said that, yeah, for sure. Actually that's a perfect
Speaker 2: segue to some facts and stats. So, like I said,
Speaker 2: what sparked this idea for me today was looking at
Speaker 2: a social media post from Essence magazine that ax users
Speaker 2: what happened to the cookout and a ray of different
Speaker 2: responses were given, and here are some of them that
Speaker 2: I think are totally spot on. COVID Right, so some
Speaker 2: people are still not fully back outside and recovered from
Speaker 2: the effects of COVID. Food prices skyrocketing, clearly cutting family ties.
Speaker 2: Our generations are like, you know what, I ain't really
Speaker 2: want aunts to your uncle or grand so granda or
Speaker 2: grand uncle whoever.
Speaker 3: So, but I'll push back on that. Okay, those people
Speaker 3: don't got to be invited to your barbecue anyway. That's
Speaker 3: sure you not having a barbecue because you're cutting family ties.
Speaker 3: There's not a reason to not have a barbecue your friends.
Speaker 2: Right or are we having barbecues that just everyone is not,
Speaker 2: you know, going to be invited to? Yes, that's possible.
Speaker 2: Then there's also laziness, like he's got uber eats, you
Speaker 2: got door dash. It's just like, do I really want
Speaker 2: to go through the hassle of half to cook you know,
Speaker 2: from scratch? What also to I'll add to that. Well,
Speaker 2: I guess part of laziness. But another maybe bullet point
Speaker 2: would be everybody got a different food allergy. This person
Speaker 2: will eat that one, somebody vegan, somebody vegetarian. That's when
Speaker 2: you say, you know what, bring what you eating, what
Speaker 2: you drink? Let's pop look up in this bitch, because
Speaker 2: I don't have time for you and your allergies, lack
Speaker 2: of family values, our children's generation not having any cousins. Well, shoot, yeah,
Speaker 2: we know what cut Well we have cousins on one side.
Speaker 2: I don't mind. One user said, none of us know how.
Speaker 3: To fade so but so this goes back to what
Speaker 3: we've been talking about all season, perception versus reality. You
Speaker 3: cannot listen to social media as to who is and
Speaker 3: who isn't having barbecues because we still have family cookouts
Speaker 3: and barbecues. We just had one for Mother's Day. I did,
Speaker 3: you know what I'm saying, Like, we still do that.
Speaker 3: And the truth of the matter is a lot of
Speaker 3: people that are having these conversations on social media, they're
Speaker 3: not the ones having family values. They're not the one
Speaker 3: that's not having cookouts. But the people who are having
Speaker 3: cookouts aren't on social media cooking out right, you know
Speaker 3: what I'm saying. So they're not even involved in the conversation.
Speaker 3: Because when you you asked me about the conversation, I
Speaker 3: was like, who not having cookouts? Because we still.
Speaker 2: Because we still are.
Speaker 1: Yeah, there's a perception and then there's a reality.
Speaker 2: But I do think the reality is true, particularly when
Speaker 2: you brought up the property like, if you don't own
Speaker 2: a place, then where are we having these cookouts? But
Speaker 2: I mean also too, there's what public places like. You've
Speaker 2: used to see cookouts at the.
Speaker 3: Park, at the park, Aluly No pull.
Speaker 2: A grill out, everybody to state their claim in the grass.
Speaker 3: In Brooklyn, see I View Park Always every weekend, there
Speaker 3: was a grill out there and there was families out there,
Speaker 3: So even people who couldn't afford properties back then. And
Speaker 3: when I say back then, I'm talking about ten years
Speaker 3: ago when you and I were living in Brooklyn. I
Speaker 3: worked at Pakplex. I had my sports performance program there.
Speaker 3: Dolo and I and Brian would be there and Saturday
Speaker 3: and we'd be training the kids and we'd do a
Speaker 3: leaf physique. But afterwards we'd leave there and we'd smell
Speaker 3: the food because Ceview Park was filled with people having.
Speaker 2: Codd Yeah, CV Park and Narcipier. When you come off
Speaker 2: that belt park where you come around the bend, you
Speaker 2: see everybody outside. But to your point, since the nineties,
Speaker 2: the cost of living has more than double. So one
Speaker 2: dollar in twenty twenty four is worth two dollars and
Speaker 2: twelve cents back in nineteen ninety four, and since nineteen
Speaker 2: ninety four. Hours worked have fallen into the private sector
Speaker 2: and risen in the public sector, so the increase in
Speaker 2: hours may stem from restrictions on hiring in the sector. Additionally,
Speaker 2: the hours reported by self employed people have fallen over
Speaker 2: forty two hours per week to thirty seven in the
Speaker 2: latest data. Also, after decades of relative stability, the rate
Speaker 2: of US home ownership began to search in the mid nineties,
Speaker 2: rising from sixty four percent in nineteen ninety four to
Speaker 2: a peak of sixty nine percent in two thousand four.
Speaker 3: See but that would make sense because remember ninety four
Speaker 3: to two thousand and four was when we remember your
Speaker 3: family bought a home in Canarsie.
Speaker 1: My family bought a home in Canarsie in nineteen ninety three.
Speaker 2: Yeah, my parents bought one in eighty seven.
Speaker 3: So you see what I'm saying. That's what we grew
Speaker 3: up in that culture where our families were buying homes
Speaker 3: at a higher rate. So that's what we became used to,
Speaker 3: and it was like new, Like we got a house,
Speaker 3: let's have a barbecue.
Speaker 2: And then the Census Bureau released is now the latest
Speaker 2: quarterly report for Q one of twenty twenty four shows
Speaker 2: that The latest home ownership rate is sixty five zero
Speaker 2: point six percent, which is the lowest has been in
Speaker 2: two years, because who can afford anything now anyway.
Speaker 3: Also, let's not discount the world came to a halt
Speaker 3: in twenty twenty.
Speaker 2: Because of covery happening.
Speaker 3: There's still a lot of recovery that's only four years removed,
Speaker 3: a lot of people lost jobs, a lot of people.
Speaker 2: That's going to their savings depleted. Absolutely, there's so much
Speaker 2: to recover from that that's not going to happen in uh.
Speaker 3: You know, I think that's for the year, a decade
Speaker 3: of recovery, considering the fact that you know, we weren't
Speaker 3: We weren't stable by any means in twenty twenty. We weren't. Remember,
Speaker 3: we were also going through an election period. So anytime
Speaker 3: you're going through an election and there's a change and
Speaker 3: the powers that be, there's always a lot that goes
Speaker 3: on with the housing markets. We saw that with Obama
Speaker 3: in two thousand and eight, where we were struggling to
Speaker 3: pay all our bills. So you figure election cycle twenty twenty,
Speaker 3: pandemic happens. People were pretty much out of work until
Speaker 3: twenty twenty two.
Speaker 1: That's when things started to kind of mp back up.
Speaker 3: So now we're only two years removed from that, so
Speaker 3: people don't have the extra income to just say, hey,
Speaker 3: come to my house. These barbecues are expensive. I know.
Speaker 3: This is just me looking at the American Express. Bill
Speaker 3: Kadeen would go like, say we're having a barbecue. Kadean say,
Speaker 3: I'm going to go to Target. First, go to go
Speaker 3: to Target. That's going to be what five hundred dollars, right,
Speaker 3: and that's not food. The five hundred dollars is to
Speaker 3: make sure that there's toilet paper in all.
Speaker 2: Of that, just like a lot of cups for all
Speaker 2: of those things.
Speaker 1: Then it's we're going to go to there's no Costco
Speaker 1: out here, but.
Speaker 2: Yeah, there's there is so Costco Stamps Club, you.
Speaker 3: Know, bulk shopping when you do the bulk shopping for.
Speaker 2: The whole home stool exactly the hint of maybe a
Speaker 2: public stor crogram random you know things, and maybe I'm
Speaker 2: not the side of the tree.
Speaker 1: So that's twenty five hundred dollars for a day.
Speaker 3: That's a fact that it made costs for you to
Speaker 3: have a barbecue, to have people over.
Speaker 2: Well look at this here the retail costs of it.
Speaker 2: Let's get down to the actual meat of the show.
Speaker 1: Of course, the.
Speaker 2: Retail cost of the a pound of one ground beef
Speaker 2: was one dollar and forty eight cents per pound back
Speaker 2: in two thousand, I start back in nineteen ninety four.
Speaker 2: Today it costs what a whopping five dollars and thirty
Speaker 2: five since and that's not even organic beef. So good
Speaker 2: thing you and I find out we're allergic to the
Speaker 2: cow baby because yeah, passer by, passer by. So yeah,
Speaker 2: So many factors that are contributing to it from a
Speaker 2: socio economics standpoint, But like you said, there's probably small
Speaker 2: pockets of people who are still doing absolutely know, these
Speaker 2: cookouts and whatnot.
Speaker 3: But there are also other factors. Divorce rates, marriage rates.
Speaker 3: I'm not sure exactly what the divorce rate looks like
Speaker 3: amongst Americans now, but I'm pretty sure or not even
Speaker 3: the divorce rate, but the amount of Americans who are
Speaker 3: married by the time they get to thirty has dropped. Okay,
Speaker 3: So I saw something there. They said lack of family values.
Speaker 3: I think a lot more people don't lack family values.
Speaker 3: They're just waiting. So now it's like, okay, we have
Speaker 3: a few friends, you know, and even when we look
Speaker 3: at our siblings, right, they're in their thirties now and
Speaker 3: now starting to get serious about finding a mate to
Speaker 3: settle down with and have a family, which also takes time.
Speaker 3: So since people are doing things later, there are a
Speaker 3: lot less children being had, there's a lot less people
Speaker 3: getting married at this time. So whereas when people used
Speaker 3: to get married late teens, early twenties, think about our grandparents.
Speaker 3: Your grandparents got married late teens, mine got married late teens,
Speaker 3: parents got married early twenties, your parents early twenties. As
Speaker 3: those generations start to do things later, So now it's
Speaker 3: like late thirties forties. That's almost like two generations of
Speaker 3: the previous generation. Because they did things teens to twenties,
Speaker 3: we're doing things thirties to forties.
Speaker 2: Everything's getting pushed everything decade essentially.
Speaker 3: Almost two decades. Think about getting married eighteen nineteen, but
Speaker 3: now you're getting married.
Speaker 2: Threety five compared to our grandparents parents.
Speaker 3: Getting married in twenty one, twenty two. Now that people
Speaker 3: getting married having kids in their forties.
Speaker 2: Now, also to the family members who we relied on,
Speaker 2: being the cooks, the chief cooks, and bottle washers literally,
Speaker 2: those generations of people are now older. They're like they're
Speaker 2: the elders, you know, some are passing away, like we
Speaker 2: are now the ones who I think essentially have to
Speaker 2: grasp the torch for what's next.
Speaker 3: Let me ask you a question, what is going to
Speaker 3: happen to humanity if we continue to put community and
Speaker 3: love and family values on the back burner for things
Speaker 3: that like matter more like social economics, Like you know
Speaker 3: what I'm saying that, Like it seems like, yeah, the
Speaker 3: world is shifting to a different place where everyone's so
Speaker 3: everyone is about capitalism.
Speaker 2: Capitalism or also self very closed off. I think those
Speaker 2: couple of years that we were dealing with the pandemic
Speaker 2: as well too, just socially, some people haven't recovered from that.
Speaker 2: You know, even there's a generation, even the generation behind us.
Speaker 2: I look at how they communicate, How they can barely
Speaker 2: have a conversation with you without looking down or looking away.
Speaker 2: They can't even look you in the eye to have
Speaker 2: a conversation. Or you get them together and everyone's on
Speaker 2: their phones. You know. I look at the generation below us,
Speaker 2: so like some of our god children who are like
Speaker 2: in their late teens, early twenties, you know, because they're
Speaker 2: growing up now too, and it's like, man, it's like
Speaker 2: a struggle to just have struggle to have a conversation
Speaker 2: with them. When they get together, they don't even really
Speaker 2: converse and communicate. So I think a lot of those
Speaker 2: things are still the residual effect that we're feeling from
Speaker 2: having to deal with the pandemic.
Speaker 3: You know, I just thought about this too, Like having
Speaker 3: this conversation often makes me not this conversation, but having conversation,
Speaker 3: but you often make me think about things that I
Speaker 3: haven't thought about. When I was a kid, we had
Speaker 3: a family reunion every other year. I think about who
Speaker 3: was the patriarch in the Zimmerman Ellis family. Every other
Speaker 3: year we would go to Pennsylvania, or we would go
Speaker 3: to Orangeburg, South Carolina, and we would have a family reunion,
Speaker 3: and people from all over the country would come in.
Speaker 1: When's the last time you had a family reunion?
Speaker 2: Kh really to be honesty, grandma's funeral.
Speaker 3: That's the only only time families get.
Speaker 2: Together literally been that. And every time we get to
Speaker 2: these funerals, unfortunate events, it's oh, man, we really have
Speaker 2: to meet under these circumstances. Really got to do better.
Speaker 2: And then life be life in and people go back
Speaker 2: to their their their sides of the ring, and it
Speaker 2: doesn't essentially happen.
Speaker 3: I got my moment.
Speaker 2: We have to be super deliberate about that if it's
Speaker 2: something that we want to continue.
Speaker 3: I got my moment of truth, and this is this
Speaker 3: is just for the world, not just for us, like
Speaker 3: us too, but for the world. Like I'm really starting
Speaker 3: to see how older people, I guess, Dank, I'm forty nine,
Speaker 3: so I feel old. How older people when I was
Speaker 3: younger used to used to speak and I'll be like,
Speaker 3: and this old man just be talking and talking, and like,
Speaker 3: don't nobody think like that no more. But now I
Speaker 3: understand them. No, I understand why it's so important and
Speaker 3: why it was important for them to have a relationship
Speaker 3: or a bridge with the younger generation. And now that
Speaker 3: I'm a part of that older generation, I see the
Speaker 3: importance of having that bridge. But it doesn't see that
Speaker 3: younger It doesn't seem as if the younger generation is
Speaker 3: interested in having that bridge with us.
Speaker 2: You're absolutely right, you know. When my grandmother passed away,
Speaker 2: even prior to that, one of my aunts on my
Speaker 2: mom's side, she's just like you know, guys, we have
Speaker 2: to Like she's trying to encourage in the family group chat.
Speaker 2: There's a family group chat that's like intergenerational, right, so
Speaker 2: it's my mom generation, my generation then like the younger folks.
Speaker 2: And she was just like, you know, we have to
Speaker 2: be deliberate about planning some sort of family get together.
Speaker 2: Were you then once a year, like can we please
Speaker 2: just like put a day on the calendar? And everyone
Speaker 2: tried to get together in one space, but I think
Speaker 2: they're seeing the detriment of the glue, right, essentially, the
Speaker 2: glue of those families now who are passing on. It's
Speaker 2: like who's going to be the next person? And we
Speaker 2: are in that space now where I'm like, okay, I
Speaker 2: don't mind helping to spearhead a reunion. But then it's
Speaker 2: like pulling teeth trying to get the rest of the
Speaker 2: family on board. You know, you put stuff in the
Speaker 2: group chat, Hey, y'all this chat, and then people just
Speaker 2: don't want to chat back, you know. But it's like
Speaker 2: how long do you want to put up with that struggle?
Speaker 2: And that's why Deval and I make an effort to
Speaker 2: just say, you know what, whoever we're in contact with regularly. Hey,
Speaker 2: it's people who are close by, you know, come on over.
Speaker 2: You know, our kids' friends, come on over. We have
Speaker 2: an open door policy in a sense for that which
Speaker 2: makes things. You know, it feels good. It feels good
Speaker 2: when we get together.
Speaker 3: And something else though, that we didn't even consider. Right,
Speaker 3: we haven't had a family reunion in my family in years.
Speaker 3: But you know what my father, who's the patriarch of
Speaker 3: our family, does, he plans a trip to go away.
Speaker 3: You know what has changed for Black Americans and Black
Speaker 3: Caribbeans our ability to do things other than just go
Speaker 3: back in the backyard and barbecue. Back in the day,
Speaker 3: that used to be the only escape. But now we
Speaker 3: all get together and we travel out of the country.
Speaker 3: Think about it.
Speaker 1: Think about it.
Speaker 3: The amount of people who travel now in this country,
Speaker 3: Black Americans and Black Caribbeans has increased. It has increased.
Speaker 3: I forgot where I watched it, but more Black people
Speaker 3: now during the summertime are taking their children out of
Speaker 3: the country than they ever did years prior. And when
Speaker 3: I think about my parents, they took us out of
Speaker 3: the country maybe once a year, but we went to
Speaker 3: Canada and we went somewhere close because both My parents worked,
Speaker 3: so there was never a time where they could get
Speaker 3: five or six days off to go anywhere too per far,
Speaker 3: but we would go to the Poconos, which is not
Speaker 3: out of the country, but that was how we traveled.
Speaker 3: As generations of kids learn more things and aspire to
Speaker 3: do more things, our idea of how we want to
Speaker 3: spend our time has changed.
Speaker 2: That's actually a pretty good one. I didn't think of that.
Speaker 2: So that means that it's not just reduced to barbecue cookout,
Speaker 2: we get together. It's just like, let's get together and travel.
Speaker 2: There are travel pages on Instagram that are dedicated to
Speaker 2: black travel, you know what I mean. And I think
Speaker 2: that's great. Like a couple people who I know recently
Speaker 2: I spoke to were just like, yo, I don't even
Speaker 2: have a passport, and I'm just like, it's unfathomable for me.
Speaker 2: Like in twenty twenty four, you're an adult and you
Speaker 2: don't have a passport. I'm like, yo, get that passport
Speaker 2: and do things and get together playing. There's like even
Speaker 2: group clubs that are travel clubs where it's like someone
Speaker 2: is spearheading the trip. So that's a really good point.
Speaker 2: Like it doesn't cool to be the cookout, cook me
Speaker 2: out on a beat somewhere.
Speaker 1: I just changed.
Speaker 3: I just changed my moment of thought, moment of truth.
Speaker 3: I just changed it because I had a moment of truth.
Speaker 1: And then through speaking the old moment of truth, the
Speaker 1: old moment of.
Speaker 3: Truth is that the first thing was that family values
Speaker 3: are being lost.
Speaker 1: That was my first moment of truth.
Speaker 3: And I feel like it was going to be cyclical, right, Like,
Speaker 3: for example, and we watch over time quote unquote, the
Speaker 3: feminist movement was huge. And then while when the feminist
Speaker 3: movement was huge, like in the seventies and it became
Speaker 3: really really big, it seemed like in the eighties, the
Speaker 3: eighties and early nineties it kind of went back to
Speaker 3: like those moms that we aspired to be, like like
Speaker 3: the fresh Prince of bel Airs mom Aunt viv Or
Speaker 3: Claire Huxtable. Right, But then we go to the two
Speaker 3: thousands and it was I'm a boss bitch, you know,
Speaker 3: I don't need no man. But now we're going through
Speaker 3: what the soft girl era where girls are like, no,
Speaker 3: I'm tired of being a soft bitch who.
Speaker 2: Fought for the who fought for the right to work
Speaker 2: because we didn't want.
Speaker 3: To right, like the change is now happening, and I
Speaker 3: feel like this is going to be just as cyclical
Speaker 3: where it was like, Okay, we were doing barbecues for
Speaker 3: a while, we're doing barbecues for whiles, like let's do
Speaker 3: something else, what's new. And now we're traveling more, we're
Speaker 3: doing different things, and I think it's going to come
Speaker 3: a point where it'll be like, yo, let's go back.
Speaker 1: To doing what brought us all together.
Speaker 3: So my initial moment of truth was that family values
Speaker 3: are being lost and we should all try to get
Speaker 3: back there so that we can, you know, rain our
Speaker 3: kids back in.
Speaker 1: That was my initial, but I changed it now, so
Speaker 1: I got some different.
Speaker 2: You got some different some different heats us. So that's
Speaker 2: funny because one of the questions that I was going
Speaker 2: to talk about too is how people stay connected outside
Speaker 2: of or beyond just hosting lookouts, And that's probably one
Speaker 2: of the ways that people do it as well any
Speaker 2: other different traditions that we're practicing. I'm trying to think like,
Speaker 2: even with our boys, I don't travel, is a big
Speaker 2: thing for us to you know, and still just making
Speaker 2: an effort to get together I think is still super
Speaker 2: important at least enter generationally.
Speaker 3: Yeah, I do also notice this parties I don't see
Speaker 3: as many block but that's also because community is lost.
Speaker 3: You know, there's there's people who live places for years
Speaker 3: and don't know their neighbors. When I was growing up,
Speaker 3: I knew everybody on my block, every around the corners,
Speaker 3: if it wasn't walking distance, I knew who lived in
Speaker 3: that house, and I knew which kids lived there, and
Speaker 3: I could ring the doorbell and ask if they can
Speaker 3: come outside.
Speaker 2: And we looked forward. I mean every year we looked
Speaker 2: forward to the Black Party. We lived directly across the
Speaker 2: street from our block association leaders, so that's how we
Speaker 2: actually had block associations back then. And you know there
Speaker 2: were people who had little committee that got together and
Speaker 2: they had their monthly meetings about what we wanted the
Speaker 2: block to look like and feel like. In the camaraderie events.
Speaker 2: I remember Missus Brown. She looked aross the street from us,
Speaker 2: and she would host like Halloween parties and that was
Speaker 2: ways for us to get together as kids.
Speaker 1: Well, look at that. People don't even trick a treat
Speaker 1: like they used to.
Speaker 2: I mean, because it's scariest fuck. Now you can't even
Speaker 2: do anything. You can't even have a block party in
Speaker 2: Knarcia or whatever because you're worried about like gang violence
Speaker 2: or people driving behind And it was non But it.
Speaker 1: Was the same thing in Bedsty.
Speaker 3: It was the same thing in Crown Heights and in
Speaker 3: Flatbush in the nineties and people still went outside.
Speaker 2: That is true. Like the fact that has changed as
Speaker 2: old as you get older.
Speaker 3: Yeah, I mean I think that as you get older
Speaker 3: and you see life happen, it changes your perspective. But
Speaker 3: I personally don't think life is any more dangerous now
Speaker 3: than it was back then. My grandmother used to tell
Speaker 3: me this all the time, right, and shout out to
Speaker 3: my Nanna because she was the most honest person I knew,
Speaker 3: and that she went through Alzheimer's, she started to be
Speaker 3: more honest, and she used to say to us. She
Speaker 3: used to say to me and my father and my
Speaker 3: brother that we just complained about everything.
Speaker 1: Yeah, complained about everthing. 'all worried about? Shall worry about that?
Speaker 3: She's like, when I was growing up, we had to
Speaker 3: actually be worried about not getting home because someone could
Speaker 3: be lynched. If there were a group of kids outside
Speaker 3: and they were all black. Living in the Confederate South,
Speaker 3: they had to be concerned about one of them kids
Speaker 3: being grabbed and if that child was grabbed, there was
Speaker 3: nothing you can do about it. That was a real
Speaker 3: fear that that that they and they watched people be
Speaker 3: lynched and they were going through things, and they're like,
Speaker 3: now you're complaining about what, And when I think about it,
Speaker 3: it's like, you know what, we don't have to deal
Speaker 3: with those issues. We never lived through a World war,
Speaker 3: we never lived through the Great Depression, Like these are
Speaker 3: things that my grandmother actually lived through. So she looks
Speaker 3: at us and be like, y'all are complaining about what,
Speaker 3: And when I think about.
Speaker 2: It, like you complaining about what you got video games,
Speaker 2: all the things that you need.
Speaker 3: We need to stop making excuses and actually just make
Speaker 3: things happen. If you want to make it happen, curate
Speaker 3: the life that you want for your kids and your family.
Speaker 3: That's all it's about.
Speaker 2: To The question be who comes to the cookout? Who
Speaker 2: gets invited to the cookout? Is it now based on
Speaker 2: who makes the best tata salad, who grows the mess meat.
Speaker 3: Who don't disturb my piece? That's who comes to the
Speaker 3: freaking cookout? Because I will order applia bowl from from
Speaker 3: Uber eats and be just fine on a Saturday.
Speaker 2: You are absolutely right. We literally are just like, who
Speaker 2: can come here and just chill. We don't have to
Speaker 2: worry about hosting too much because we are so having
Speaker 2: to host and be on all the time. I don't
Speaker 2: feel like doing that at home.
Speaker 1: Is this This episode ends whateven.
Speaker 3: This episode airs in September, so we're getting to the
Speaker 3: end of summertime, that labor daytime. This is when people
Speaker 3: start to have those barbecues because they know that the
Speaker 3: weather is about.
Speaker 2: To change and they're wrapping up.
Speaker 3: So and then when I think about that and we
Speaker 3: think about who we're gonna invite over here, it's probably
Speaker 3: about a handful of people.
Speaker 2: That's a fact. That's a fact. That's if we invite people,
Speaker 2: because sometimes we were crowd in itself between us and
Speaker 2: our kids.
Speaker 3: No, if we go anywhere it's us and four little people,
Speaker 3: then we got to bring help. So it's two parents.
Speaker 3: So that's that right, there is what eight eight of people? Yeah,
Speaker 3: I feel uncomfortable going to people's house. It's with eight people. Sure,
Speaker 3: you know what I'm saying, Like, I feel I'm We're
Speaker 3: a old party in the South.
Speaker 2: That's a fact. Party over here, Party over here. All right, y'all,
Speaker 2: let's take a quick break and we're gonna move into
Speaker 2: my favorite portion of the show, listen letters, after we
Speaker 2: get into these ads, So stick around. All right, now
Speaker 2: we're back. Let's dive into these listener letters that we
Speaker 2: have for this episode. Hey, Ellis's I have a fiance
Speaker 2: that I adore and we have a daughter together, and
Speaker 2: I think he's an amazing person, but he's very unreliable.
Speaker 2: I can't depend on him to be on time because
Speaker 2: he's always late by several hours. I can't depend on
Speaker 2: him financially because he's always in a bad situation quote unquote,
Speaker 2: So I'm mostly taking care of our daughter on my own.
Speaker 2: He claims that he just needs time to learn to
Speaker 2: be more financially stable. He just started a full time
Speaker 2: job after four months of unemployment. But at this point,
Speaker 2: I'm starting to think it's arrested development. I know we
Speaker 2: all need transition time, but this is ridiculous. PS. He's
Speaker 2: thirty eight with four exclamation points. I'm thirty four. We
Speaker 2: share one child, but there are a total of six
Speaker 2: children all together from previous relationships. So ya got a
Speaker 2: gang like this overall, I need a partner, and to me,
Speaker 2: he's more of a dependent. Let me know your thoughts. Yikes,
Speaker 2: arrested development. That was a group back in the day.
Speaker 3: Right, Yes, yes, that's what you got reading that.
Speaker 1: That's the only thing she got out of that arrested development.
Speaker 2: Is it everyday people?
Speaker 1: Free day people?
Speaker 3: Yes, I said that, that was my arrested development.
Speaker 2: That was a really good song, I remember, but I've
Speaker 2: never actually heard the term using a sentence really, so
Speaker 2: I'm just like, wow, arrested development.
Speaker 3: Let me help this young lady out. This is the
Speaker 3: biggest thing. Right, People don't understand this. We've said this,
Speaker 3: We've done a whole podcast on this. Right, marriage is
Speaker 3: a business. The institution of marriage, when created by people
Speaker 3: by the state, was created for families to share assets
Speaker 3: and to properly create create a place where their assets
Speaker 3: can be extended to their children. That's what people really
Speaker 3: need to understand, Like, why does a woman take a
Speaker 3: man's name? Why does this have to happen this? Why
Speaker 3: are their laws generated around the institution of marriage that
Speaker 3: require taxes? And it's because it's a business. And if
Speaker 3: you try to separate that part of marriage and ignore it,
Speaker 3: because the business aspect is important, you will find yourself
Speaker 3: in an unhappily in an unhappy marriage and can enter
Speaker 3: your doom.
Speaker 2: Well, yeah, that's true. The number one reason why people
Speaker 2: have issues this financial stuff. So, as my mom said,
Speaker 2: love can't pay the bills.
Speaker 1: And I'm not gonna you know, people talk about this
Speaker 1: all the time.
Speaker 3: When institutional marriage was created by God, yes it was,
Speaker 3: but so it was bills. Bills was created by God,
Speaker 3: and those bills have to be paid by the people
Speaker 3: who are married together. So God didn't expect us to
Speaker 3: just get into a marriage and just ignore the fact
Speaker 3: that there are real life, true responsibilities. The fact that
Speaker 3: they're engaged and not married yet means they need to
Speaker 3: utilize this time as fiances to figure out how to
Speaker 3: get into a better financial space so they can exist
Speaker 3: together and be life partners together, not life dependents.
Speaker 2: Like what's the plan? That's what I will ultimately like
Speaker 2: when I read this, I'm like, Okay, what is the plan?
Speaker 2: Are you guys having the discussion about what is the
Speaker 2: week to week plan, what is the month to month plan,
Speaker 2: what is the year to year plan? What's five years
Speaker 2: from now going to look like? Because she said he
Speaker 2: just started a full time job after four months of unemployment?
Speaker 2: Was it four months of unemployment after having another job
Speaker 2: that he was dismissed from or left or whatever for
Speaker 2: whatever reason? But is he holding down a job? Is
Speaker 2: it something that's lucrative? Is it something that's buildable? Does
Speaker 2: it have some kind of latitude? Will be able to
Speaker 2: will he be able to move, you know, up in
Speaker 2: the company or the job, Like, those are things that
Speaker 2: need to be discussed.
Speaker 3: I hear all of that, kay, But this is what also,
Speaker 3: people need to start having this conversation. What do you
Speaker 3: require in life from your partner and what do you
Speaker 3: require from me? Those are conversations that people are not
Speaker 3: having when we hear these these stories. I'll have a fiance,
Speaker 3: but he not doing this, so she's not doing that.
Speaker 3: It's like, how did y'all get to the engagement part
Speaker 3: without having that conversation in the dating process that sounds
Speaker 3: like this and it may be a little bit upfront,
Speaker 3: but this is the truth.
Speaker 1: Hey, I'm deval, I'm looking to date deliberately.
Speaker 3: I feel like in the next couple of years I
Speaker 3: would like to start a family, possibly a family of four.
Speaker 3: The sex of the children doesn't matter, but possibly a
Speaker 3: family of four. This is my credit score. This is
Speaker 3: how much money I earn. What's your credit score? What
Speaker 3: does your life look like as an earner and a
Speaker 3: mo If you want to have children? I like to
Speaker 3: have sex? This many times a week? How many times
Speaker 3: a week do you like to have sex? Do you like?
Speaker 3: These are now? Four? Yes?
Speaker 1: Okay?
Speaker 3: Because I would want to put it all on the
Speaker 3: table and let it be like, this is what I need,
Speaker 3: this is what I require. Please let me know what
Speaker 3: you need and what you require so that we can
Speaker 3: sit down and say, hey, we our life works and
Speaker 3: synergies where we can build something together.
Speaker 2: We're looking for similar things. I'm looking for someone who
Speaker 2: can help facilitate these things. And yeah, I want to
Speaker 2: be that willing participant to help you facilitate those things
Speaker 2: in life.
Speaker 3: And on top of that, I'm attracted to you. You
Speaker 3: attracted to me. Let's fuck while we do this. That's
Speaker 3: what relationships are, right, what we did. We're business partners
Speaker 3: that are creating a union together and creating a lifestyle
Speaker 3: that we can live office together, and we're going to
Speaker 3: enjoy each other's company and bodies together. Because that's the
Speaker 3: safest way for us to explore our sexual exploits and
Speaker 3: build together by doing it just us too.
Speaker 1: That's what dating should be.
Speaker 2: That's not everybody happy.
Speaker 3: And it would be that way if more people approached
Speaker 3: it that way, But people don't approach.
Speaker 2: It that way because mirrors facades and what can I
Speaker 2: get for myself right now in this moment.
Speaker 3: And they're afraid to say, well, if I come across
Speaker 3: like that, then that person may get afraid. Well, then
Speaker 3: that's not that's not the person for you. Then, Like
Speaker 3: if you come across like that and that personality is
Speaker 3: too much, and it's like, okay, well if you think
Speaker 3: that's too much, you not the type of person that
Speaker 3: I don't want to build a life with anyone less.
Speaker 2: Yes, if I'm too much, go find less.
Speaker 3: That's the truth.
Speaker 2: But yeah, that's that's a good point you made, because
Speaker 2: it's like, how do we get here? How is he
Speaker 2: a fiance when.
Speaker 1: He's doing all these things and they already have a child.
Speaker 2: And she didn't say how long they were together yet,
Speaker 2: but they do cheer one child together.
Speaker 3: And six totals, so they like fucking both of them,
Speaker 3: you know what I'm saying. So it's clear that they're
Speaker 3: infatuated with each other, which is great. But since you
Speaker 3: are infatuated, let's sit down and carve out the adult
Speaker 3: part of this.
Speaker 2: You know, people just be out here doing shit. Y'll
Speaker 2: just be doing stuff and not really like thinking about it,
Speaker 2: like really thinking it through.
Speaker 3: And the truth is, since we've been talking about generations,
Speaker 3: who and our generations told us to do this, nobody
Speaker 3: Because there was no man in my life who told
Speaker 3: me how to approach this like this, and.
Speaker 2: There's no woman in your life.
Speaker 3: So we can't even blame people for living like this
Speaker 3: because no one is telling you how to do it.
Speaker 2: Welcome today's podcast, y'all, where we're trying to give y'all.
Speaker 2: We're trying to give y'all tea y'all game. You know
Speaker 2: what I'm saying. That's a fact, So good luck to you, says,
Speaker 2: Go back and have these conversations to reassess if this
Speaker 2: really should be your husband fact or not. All right,
Speaker 2: all right, question number two, you want to read this one? Baby?
Speaker 3: I got you baby. Hello, Kadeen and Duval. I am
Speaker 3: a Patreon supporter and came to your live podcast in
Speaker 3: atl and have grown to love y'all, more and more
Speaker 3: each day.
Speaker 1: Thank you, Patre.
Speaker 3: God has truly placed a heavy purpose on your lives,
Speaker 3: and you all are walking in it daily and helping others.
Speaker 3: You didn't even know you were helping you for so much. Man,
Speaker 3: My question is regarding keeping the spark in relationship, especially
Speaker 3: when you've been together for a long time, but also
Speaker 3: when health issues are involved. Me and my husband have
Speaker 3: been together for seventeen years, married ten and have three
Speaker 3: wonderful kids.
Speaker 1: God bless you guys.
Speaker 3: For the past year, I have struggled with being happy
Speaker 3: in the bedroom and sex in all aspects have changed
Speaker 3: for me. I'm not really into sex anymore or it's
Speaker 3: quick and don't get me wrong, I love a quickie
Speaker 3: as long as it's good and we both get off well.
Speaker 3: My husband can't maintain a strong heart on he has diabetes.
Speaker 3: Who already know what this is? I could tell you
Speaker 3: what this is. We've been talking about. He has diabetes
Speaker 3: and is now struggling with ed I think, but he
Speaker 3: has not gone to the doctor to confirm what it
Speaker 3: is and always comes up with excuses on why he
Speaker 3: couldn't stay hard, even when using viagra. It has become
Speaker 3: annoying and a turnoff to the point where us having
Speaker 3: sex every day has turned into once or twice a month.
Speaker 3: Maybe my question to Kadeen is, with Deval having a
Speaker 3: high sex drive from the beginning, how did you match that?
Speaker 3: Was it something you learned and adapted as y'all grew
Speaker 3: or did you have the same sex drive as him?
Speaker 3: Deval and Kadeen, If there were ever any issues with
Speaker 3: sex in your marriage, how did y'all come to a
Speaker 3: conclusion or resolution together? I need help as I love
Speaker 3: my husband and I don't want this to be a
Speaker 3: big issue or in our marriage, but he has to.
Speaker 3: Oh but he too has to want to make the
Speaker 3: right changes in effort to cure his ed. If that
Speaker 3: is indeed what it is your advice please?
Speaker 2: Oh well, anybody who's been listening knows that we've had
Speaker 2: our fear share when it gives to sex issues.
Speaker 3: But our issues with sex issues were never frequency and
Speaker 3: they were never quality of sex. It was always how
Speaker 3: we get to sex and what the sex would look like.
Speaker 3: But I will say this though, about what she's talking
Speaker 3: about from a health standpoint. As men get older, right,
Speaker 3: and we continue throughout life eating shit, not working out,
Speaker 3: not taking.
Speaker 1: Care of our bodies.
Speaker 2: I know you're going to go there.
Speaker 3: You said he's diabetic. Diabetic diabetes affects your blood sugar.
Speaker 3: It also affects your blood flow. If you don't work
Speaker 3: out and you have to take medication for your diabetes,
Speaker 3: that medication can often affect your erections. The best way
Speaker 3: for him to cure the ED would be to exercise
Speaker 3: and to eat healthier. What helped me over the past year.
Speaker 3: If you guys have been watching, my body has changed,
Speaker 3: my face has changed. I've lost weight, I've gained muscle.
Speaker 3: I stop eating as much dairy, right, And when I
Speaker 3: say stop eating as much, I am not a vegan.
Speaker 1: I never just stop things cold turkey.
Speaker 3: I changed my lifestyle, which means before when I used
Speaker 3: to eat bacon, egg and cheese every morning, or bacon
Speaker 3: eggs and grits, or bacon eggs and fringe toes. Now
Speaker 3: it's I'll have a fruit plate, a fruit platter, or
Speaker 3: I'll having a sye bowl, which is no dairy. Dairy
Speaker 3: eliminates your body from inflammation. Inflammation causes your back to
Speaker 3: hurt your needs joints. When you become inflamed, you can't
Speaker 3: move and work out. So now you can't move and
Speaker 3: work out. Over all of the years of inflammation, you
Speaker 3: just feel like I can't the workouts I used to do,
Speaker 3: I can't do. So now you no longer pushing your
Speaker 3: body the way your body used to be pushed. When
Speaker 3: you don't push your body as a man, you know
Speaker 3: what drops testosterone. That's why when people say why is
Speaker 3: niggat de vous still squatting and deadlifting and hang cleaning
Speaker 3: like he's in the NFL.
Speaker 2: And hanging on to me like That's exactly.
Speaker 3: Why, because I understand as a man, her sexual peak
Speaker 3: hasn't gotten here yet. I want to be prepared that
Speaker 3: when you see what you see eye, I want to
Speaker 3: be prepared for when that happens. Because I put a
Speaker 3: lot of pressure on my wife to be there for
Speaker 3: what I needed from our twenties to thirties. It's only
Speaker 3: fair for me as a man to prepare my body
Speaker 3: that I can maintain this when.
Speaker 1: She's going through her sexual peak.
Speaker 3: So when she's tapping my shoulder in the middle of
Speaker 3: the night, I don't want to have to be like damn,
Speaker 3: like am I ain't work out in two weeks. I
Speaker 3: just had twelve oreos. I've been eating all these pork rods. No,
Speaker 3: I want to be like, Yeah, I had a syeball,
Speaker 3: I have my ginger shots. Turn around as wood. He
Speaker 3: is ready for you, like, And to be honest, this
Speaker 3: is conversation.
Speaker 2: Been welcome to the fourth floor.
Speaker 3: Yes, this is the conversation's men are not having with
Speaker 3: each other.
Speaker 2: And holding each other accountable too. Because you definitely have
Speaker 2: a strong group of friends, you're all like, be like, bro,
Speaker 2: you need to get it together. Yep, you need to
Speaker 2: get on this. And I've been doing the same thing
Speaker 2: with my girls. Like you know, we talked about in
Speaker 2: previous podcasts how hormonally things were off for me for
Speaker 2: a long time. So to answer your question, having a
Speaker 2: sex high drive for a high sex drive from deval,
Speaker 2: I was never able to match it. I feel like
Speaker 2: I'm still technically not really able to match it either.
Speaker 2: But having read my body of certain foods that I
Speaker 2: know were inflammatory, having rid my body of any kind
Speaker 2: of birth control or hormonal you know, things that made
Speaker 2: things either escalate or de escalate drastically, that has definitely
Speaker 2: been a good start for me to kind of get
Speaker 2: back to the baseline of like where do I where
Speaker 2: am I hormonally how does it make me feel? And
Speaker 2: I've been feeling great, so though I know sometimes we
Speaker 2: have to meet at this kind of middle ground because
Speaker 2: Devo says, you know, shoot, I can have sex several
Speaker 2: times a day and I would be satisfied. And I'm like, okay,
Speaker 2: I'm good with like four times a week. You know
Speaker 2: what I'm saying. So someone's always having to like sacrifice
Speaker 2: a little bit.
Speaker 3: But can we talk about though the differences Like this
Speaker 3: may be a little bit explicit, but it's dead ass podcast. Right.
Speaker 3: This is the mindset for me and Kadeen. Kadeen and
Speaker 3: I haven't seen each other for a week. I'm filming.
Speaker 3: She's some way doing something right. We get together, We
Speaker 3: have sex. We going at it thirty minutes like athletes.
Speaker 3: We doing every position. We go on our bone to bang.
Speaker 3: We both climax, Oh, it's amazing. Kadeen's first thought process is, oh,
Speaker 3: just climax. I'm so good. I'm good right.
Speaker 1: My first thought process, I'm climax.
Speaker 3: I want to experience that again, like again, right now.
Speaker 3: And that's that's the difference in two people who have
Speaker 3: been sexually pleased. But her body is built different than
Speaker 3: my body, and as you get older and you learn
Speaker 3: to have empathy for other people and realize that the
Speaker 3: world isn't just, you know, created around what you need
Speaker 3: and you desire. You start to understand like, you know
Speaker 3: what my partner needs this while I need that, And
Speaker 3: we have those constant conversations even now. So the difference
Speaker 3: is we don't complain about our sex life no more
Speaker 3: because we're able to. For example, like last week, I
Speaker 3: was in a little bit of a bad mood because
Speaker 3: then comes downstairs in gym and she goes, I get it.
Speaker 3: We didn't have sex two days because you left and
Speaker 3: then you came back and then I fell asleep. I
Speaker 3: got you tonight and I was like, no, it wasn't
Speaker 3: just about the sex, but I mean, like I also
Speaker 3: didn't get to see my wife, like we weren't intimate.
Speaker 3: I didn't get to hug you up and squeeze them cheek.
Speaker 3: You don't do well when I don't have intimacy in
Speaker 3: my life. And I don't know if this is a
Speaker 3: lot of men, but this is me. If this woman
Speaker 3: walks by me in a hall and she don't toop
Speaker 3: that butt up for me to smack it, or she
Speaker 3: don't rub by me, or she don't just come kiss me.
Speaker 1: I start to feel away. I just start to feel away.
Speaker 3: And then once I start to feel away and a
Speaker 3: day goes by and she's not just hey, baby, how
Speaker 3: you doing Now, I'm in a bad.
Speaker 2: Mood, bad mood.
Speaker 3: And then even when we have sex, I'm still in
Speaker 3: a bad movie.
Speaker 2: Like you just nodded, we recover from this. I'm like
Speaker 2: I thought I knew what it was. But it's also
Speaker 2: like being so in sync with each other now that
Speaker 2: we just know, like we know what those triggers are,
Speaker 2: we know what those moments are, and I can decide
Speaker 2: for when Diva, I was just like you know, in
Speaker 2: a bad move because like something may have happened, or
Speaker 2: just like work or anxiety or like all the things
Speaker 2: of life happening in his brain. Or it's just like, oh,
Speaker 2: he just misses me and he's trying to pick a fight.
Speaker 1: But also I don't let you, but no, you don't
Speaker 1: let me pick the fight so much.
Speaker 3: But also she also doesn't run from It's gonna sound crazy,
Speaker 3: but she also doesn't run from what her responsibilities are
Speaker 3: as my wife, the same way I don't run from
Speaker 3: my responsibilities. Last night, we're preparing. You know, we're preparing
Speaker 3: the film and I have a thousand things going on.
Speaker 3: She sees that I'm more in cloud nine. I haven't
Speaker 3: been smoking.
Speaker 2: It wasn't really cloud and I you weren't like in
Speaker 2: a good place.
Speaker 3: I wasn't. Yeah, I wasn't in a good place at all.
Speaker 3: But I haven't been smoking either, and I've been traveling
Speaker 3: a lot, so she knows. And she was just like,
Speaker 3: she comes over to me, she rubs my lap, she
Speaker 3: looks at me. She said, you need me to take
Speaker 3: care of something. And I was just like, I was like, nah,
Speaker 3: I got everything because I'm not even focused on what
Speaker 3: she's saying. I'm reading my scripts and she's like, hey, hey,
Speaker 3: let me handle that no real quick. When we slobed
Speaker 3: and I started laughing at her, and she's just and
Speaker 3: I'm just like, yes, though I need it.
Speaker 2: But actually when it clicked.
Speaker 3: But what I was trying to say, but seriously, when
Speaker 3: people ask like, how do you guys keep the fire?
Speaker 3: We keep the fire by knowing my partner, looking at her,
Speaker 3: her looking at me, and saying my partner needs something,
Speaker 3: like what's going on. We don't ignore the fact that
Speaker 3: my partner is here. And sometimes that moment isn't well,
Speaker 3: we're gonna do it later with no It's like baby
Speaker 3: coming here real quick, let me take care of It's
Speaker 3: real for you because I see you. You know what I'm
Speaker 3: saying like this, It's those impromptu times where we take
Speaker 3: care of each other. You know.
Speaker 2: What I've also been deliberate about now, too, is maintaining
Speaker 2: and creating a safe space for you to say how
Speaker 2: you feel. And I want to encourage this young lady
Speaker 2: to do that with her husband as well too, because
Speaker 2: something like ed I can imagine. I'm not a man,
Speaker 2: but I can imagine it's something that is sensitive, could
Speaker 2: be a sensitive topic.
Speaker 1: Sensitive, but sensitive? Did you say sensitive?
Speaker 3: I don't even think there's a word that you can
Speaker 3: use to describe what men go.
Speaker 2: To them embarrassing. You know, it's not something that you
Speaker 2: would be proud of.
Speaker 3: That's or it almost like I would say, I would
Speaker 3: equate it to a woman's ability to have children. If
Speaker 3: someone takes that away from you, now you can no
Speaker 3: longer have true you know how you feel like, damn,
Speaker 3: what is my purpose? Or feels I feel less than
Speaker 3: for a man, it's like to have an erection to
Speaker 3: be able to impregnate a woman is part of what
Speaker 3: makes you a man, and when that part of your
Speaker 3: body doesn't work, especially with everything in the world telling you,
Speaker 3: you know, your manhood is predicated on how many women
Speaker 3: you can do.
Speaker 1: And how big you are and how long you last.
Speaker 3: If you can't get an erection, and even when you do,
Speaker 3: you can't get a full erection, and it's I won't
Speaker 3: even say embarrassing, it's like life threaten and you feel
Speaker 3: like I am not myself. That's why there's no word
Speaker 3: that I can say.
Speaker 2: They've been together seventeen years, married ten three children, so
Speaker 2: it's like they're people who used.
Speaker 3: To get they.
Speaker 2: Used to get it in. So it could be also
Speaker 2: that he's in denial about the whole diabetes thing like that.
Speaker 2: I feel like getting to the root of the problem
Speaker 2: would definitely help you guys outside. I would encourage you
Speaker 2: sis to, you know, create a safe space to have
Speaker 2: that gentle conversation with him because it is a sensitive topic.
Speaker 3: Also, blood pressure medication. Most blood pressure medications affect men
Speaker 3: down there. That's why a lot of black men don't
Speaker 3: like to go to the doctor and they don't like
Speaker 3: to be on that medication. I lost one of my
Speaker 3: uncles that way, right, his high blood pressure, high blood pressure,
Speaker 3: didn't want to take his medication because he wasn't able
Speaker 3: to do the things he wanted to do with His
Speaker 3: wife went to sleep one night and died, and when
Speaker 3: she woke up, she was so mad. She said, I
Speaker 3: can't believe you left me. You left me because you
Speaker 3: wouldn't He went and went in that cabinet and saw
Speaker 3: all those pills in that bottom and say he wasn't
Speaker 3: taking his medication. And it's a scary thing for men.
Speaker 3: There's something that we have to learn how to be
Speaker 3: proactive and not reacting, and it's something that.
Speaker 2: Could be so basic. Like even my dad has high
Speaker 2: blood pressure and he takes medication for it. And he
Speaker 2: got in some blood work back that show that he
Speaker 2: needed to drink more water. He was dehydrated and he's
Speaker 2: been drinking a gallon of water a day. The boys
Speaker 2: have literally been on him. We got him a jug.
Speaker 2: They wrote Papa on it.
Speaker 3: Yep.
Speaker 2: And let me tell you the in his tail about
Speaker 2: drinking his water. Didn't drink your water, hopper. Three o'clock,
Speaker 2: it's just three o'clock, and it's five o'clock. And you
Speaker 2: didn't drink your water, but he was. He was on it,
Speaker 2: drinking the water daily. And he was like, you believe
Speaker 2: I checked my blood pressure the past three days and
Speaker 2: I didn't have to take.
Speaker 1: My medication, not one time.
Speaker 3: And he's seventy.
Speaker 2: That is seventy one, seventy one. And he looked, he
Speaker 2: was so surprised, and I was like, see something as
Speaker 2: simple as taking care of yourself and drinking water water.
Speaker 3: He started walking twenty minutes on the treadmill, right, he
Speaker 3: started changing, you know, his diet and the things that
Speaker 3: he was eating.
Speaker 1: And this is what we are employing for a lot
Speaker 1: of men.
Speaker 3: This is this is one thing my ministry is going
Speaker 3: to be for the rest of my life, is that
Speaker 3: all of the things that we were told about our
Speaker 3: health and then being hereditary is not true.
Speaker 1: It's cultural.
Speaker 3: Yeah, Black people are more predisposed to certain things because
Speaker 3: in our culture we eat certain things.
Speaker 2: The cookout.
Speaker 3: What we were just talking about, the cookout soul food.
Speaker 3: The Boondocks did a parody are on soul Food and
Speaker 3: said that man, you watch soul food. Man, Big Mama
Speaker 3: died from the same thing that we keep eating. And
Speaker 3: an app she died they made a dinner and they
Speaker 3: ate the same things that killed Big Mama, which was
Speaker 3: so true though like she died of diabetes, she died
Speaker 3: from complications of diabetes from eating all of this super
Speaker 3: enriched sugar and salty food. And for people who understand history,
Speaker 3: the reason why our food has always been enriched with
Speaker 3: sugars and salt is because the enslaved people were always
Speaker 3: giving scraps. And when you're giving scraps, in order to
Speaker 3: be able to get through it things to it, you
Speaker 3: add sugar. My parents are from the South. We used
Speaker 3: to make a sauce called mopping. Mopping was ketchup, mustard, garlic, powder,
Speaker 3: onion powder, salt, pepper, sugar, and vinegar and they would
Speaker 3: put mopping.
Speaker 1: On ris and they would dip it in chitlings.
Speaker 2: I remember the first time I think it was on
Speaker 2: your father gave it.
Speaker 3: But then when you look at just ketchup alone, three
Speaker 3: tablespools of ketchup is more sugar than a crispy cream donut.
Speaker 3: So now you have a half a gallon of ketchup
Speaker 3: mixed with mustard, and you put more sugar in that,
Speaker 3: and that's what we use to baste all of our
Speaker 3: meats in Yeah, and now we ingest that for from
Speaker 3: the time where young kids twenties, thirties, Yeah, you're gonna
Speaker 3: have diabetes, and.
Speaker 2: Now not working out either exactly and not working out,
Speaker 2: just pricing the fact that we're not taking care of ourselves.
Speaker 3: Because the truth of the matter is the enslaved people
Speaker 3: could eat like that because they will be making in
Speaker 3: the field. Oh my god, so their bodies all they did,
Speaker 3: they burn that.
Speaker 2: That's why when you look back on that generation and
Speaker 2: people live until eighty ninety years, oh yeah, because they
Speaker 2: were working.
Speaker 3: They're working.
Speaker 2: They were working. So good luck to you, sis. I
Speaker 2: hope you and hope you get to the root of yah.
Speaker 3: Got it?
Speaker 2: What's happening? Y'all got this? Seventeen years together, a ten married,
Speaker 2: three beautiful children. Congrats to you, guys, and I wish
Speaker 2: you find a solution. All right. If you want to
Speaker 2: be featured as a listener letter, email us at dead
Speaker 2: ass Advice at gmail dot com. We love to hear
Speaker 2: from you.
Speaker 3: That's D E A D A S S A D
Speaker 3: V I C E at gmail dot com.
Speaker 2: All right, now, moment of true time, we're talking where
Speaker 2: did the cookouts go? Where are the cultural family traditions?
Speaker 2: Are they becoming obsolete?
Speaker 3: Yes? First of all, fuck the moment of truth and
Speaker 3: what I was gonna say, I'm gonna take this opportunity
Speaker 3: right now to give you your flowers me. Yes, because
Speaker 3: I've been filming, I've been going a lot, and you've
Speaker 3: been running dead ass podcast like a freaking pro Oh.
Speaker 2: Thank you.
Speaker 3: You've been killing it. You've been getting guests, You've been
Speaker 3: like even even today. This is for those who don't know.
Speaker 3: We do a lot of shows sometimes and one day
Speaker 3: because of our filming schedule, and this is the third
Speaker 3: show we have to do today, and you're here just
Speaker 3: as energetic and vibrant, and you had shows to do
Speaker 3: yesterday and you were an energetic and vibrant in them
Speaker 3: shows yesterday, and baby, I just love you for holding
Speaker 3: it down.
Speaker 2: Thank you. I love you.
Speaker 1: That's moment of truth.
Speaker 2: I love that. Thank you so much. Thank you, and
Speaker 2: thank you for always you know, freaking pouring into me
Speaker 2: and just letting me know like you pour into you
Speaker 2: in so many ways and I receive it.
Speaker 1: You always received.
Speaker 3: No.
Speaker 2: Really, like this is really giving me a space to
Speaker 2: kind of like rework that muscle, like y'all went to
Speaker 2: school for journalism. Haven't used that degree technically, I guess
Speaker 2: I haven't kind of used it in podcasts and whatever,
Speaker 2: but just not as a solo you know mission. So
Speaker 2: thank you and to the team also for like really
Speaker 2: just speaking that life to me. And thank y'all for
Speaker 2: listening and cheering me on as well, and people saying, yeah, okay,
Speaker 2: I can see you with your day time shall show
Speaker 2: girl time talking about so I appreciate that. Thank you
Speaker 2: and I love you and uh yeah, so my mom
Speaker 2: went to truth. I don't even remember what it was
Speaker 2: now because you got me all my feelings. But talking
Speaker 2: about cultural traditions and all that good stuff. You know,
Speaker 2: let's just keep on keeping on for the sake of
Speaker 2: our children. We do want them to have a sense
Speaker 2: of community, a sense of family, a sense of what
Speaker 2: it means to get back to the root, where there's
Speaker 2: safe spaces are where they can just lo that they
Speaker 2: can get together, they can congregate with their friends and
Speaker 2: with their cousins and with family members, and it's okay
Speaker 2: to create what your own family looks like now too.
Speaker 2: Write making sure that that safe space and that tradition
Speaker 2: and that you know, cookout or whatever it may be.
Speaker 2: That trip is surrounded with people who will love on
Speaker 2: and recharge your battery and not drain it. Okay, okay,
Speaker 2: all right, y'all. Be sure to follow us on Patreon.
Speaker 2: We love to see y'all over there, where you get
Speaker 2: exclusive dead Ass podcast content and more Ellis Family content
Speaker 2: as well, and you can find us on social media
Speaker 2: at dead Ass the Podcast, I'm Kadine, I Am and I.
Speaker 3: Am Devout, and if you're listening on Apple Podcasts, be
Speaker 3: sure to rate, review and subscribe, and also make sure
Speaker 3: you get your copy of We Over Me, The Content
Speaker 3: Intuitive Approach to getting everything you want out of your relationship.
Speaker 3: The paperback copies are out and now dead Ass Cut.
Speaker 3: Dead Ass is a production of iHeartMedia podcast Network and
Speaker 3: it's produced by Donor Opinia and Triple. Follow the podcast
Speaker 3: on social media at dead Ass the Podcast and Never
Speaker 3: Miss a Thing