WEBVTT - How to Cope with a Work Problem You Can't Change 0:00:03.560 --> 0:00:07.480 My colleagues will stop commenting on everything I get people 0:00:07.520 --> 0:00:09.760 and meeting Why does my coworker keep taking credit for 0:00:09.800 --> 0:00:13.080 all my ideas? Have any wisdom for me? Hi'm Alison Green. 0:00:13.480 --> 0:00:16.680 Welcome to the Aska Manager podcast, where I answer questions 0:00:16.680 --> 0:00:19.919 from listeners about life at work, everything from what to 0:00:19.960 --> 0:00:22.639 say if you're allergic to your coworkers perfume to what 0:00:22.720 --> 0:00:24.760 to do if you drink too much at the company party. 0:00:25.120 --> 0:00:30.000 Let's get started. I get a lot of letters from 0:00:30.040 --> 0:00:32.720 people who are stuck in a difficult situation at work 0:00:32.920 --> 0:00:35.640 and it's something that isn't going to change, or at 0:00:35.720 --> 0:00:37.800 least they are not the one with the power to 0:00:37.920 --> 0:00:41.360 change it. It could be a terrible boss, or a 0:00:41.400 --> 0:00:46.319 really frustrating coworker, a terrible company culture, but whatever it is, 0:00:46.520 --> 0:00:49.960 it's not something that they have the ability to resolve themselves. 0:00:50.200 --> 0:00:52.760 And they're trying to figure out, knowing that I can't 0:00:52.840 --> 0:00:56.240 change this, how do I avoid being driven crazy by it? 0:00:56.800 --> 0:00:59.080 And when our guest today wrote to me, that is 0:00:59.080 --> 0:01:02.600 the question that you put. Hi and welcome to the show. Hello, 0:01:02.640 --> 0:01:05.000 it's a pleasure to be here. So you have a 0:01:05.040 --> 0:01:08.679 situation at work with a new Ish coworker who is 0:01:08.760 --> 0:01:12.320 creating a lot of drama and unpleasantness. She's doing things 0:01:12.360 --> 0:01:17.000 like throwing temper tantrums and slamming doors and throwing papers 0:01:17.120 --> 0:01:20.679 and complaining about everyone around her, and you're not in 0:01:20.720 --> 0:01:23.000 a position to do anything about it. You're lower in 0:01:23.000 --> 0:01:26.640 the hierarchy than she is. Is that right? That is correct? 0:01:27.720 --> 0:01:32.800 Throwing papers is pretty extreme. How do geople around her 0:01:32.840 --> 0:01:36.679 react when she's doing that? Um, we typically try and 0:01:37.000 --> 0:01:42.160 you know, just avoid adding to the fire, if that 0:01:42.240 --> 0:01:46.440 makes sense. You know, she will, depending on the day, 0:01:46.520 --> 0:01:49.680 if she's frustrated with something. I mean, she really just 0:01:49.760 --> 0:01:52.840 will throw papers around at her desk. She kind of 0:01:53.560 --> 0:01:57.000 you know, slams her drawers, she kind of mutters to herself, 0:01:57.240 --> 0:02:01.600 you know, swearing and um, you know, slams various doors, 0:02:01.680 --> 0:02:04.280 you know, the doors from the front of the office 0:02:04.360 --> 0:02:07.000 to the back of the office. And if there's clients, 0:02:07.040 --> 0:02:09.000 you know, she just kind of will storm through the 0:02:09.000 --> 0:02:12.720 front of the office, or she will be complaining about 0:02:12.800 --> 0:02:17.160 something that she also does, if not more extreme, And 0:02:18.040 --> 0:02:20.800 it's it's a very interesting time, to say the least. 0:02:21.400 --> 0:02:24.480 I'm so curious about this. Has she behaved this way 0:02:24.520 --> 0:02:26.440 in front of her boss or in front of anyone 0:02:26.480 --> 0:02:30.200 else who's senior to her. Um, she behaves that way 0:02:30.240 --> 0:02:33.680 to people senior to her. Absolutely. Um, it's a law firm. 0:02:33.840 --> 0:02:36.440 So she's done that in front of associates. I haven't 0:02:36.440 --> 0:02:38.880 seen her do it in front of partners as much, 0:02:39.280 --> 0:02:44.120 but she does still keep kind of the same persona 0:02:44.240 --> 0:02:48.280 She's not ever since she started, she's been like that. 0:02:48.440 --> 0:02:50.919 She hasn't. She didn't ever put on a face when 0:02:50.960 --> 0:02:55.160 she first started. She wasn't her best self. So because 0:02:55.200 --> 0:02:57.000 you know, you know, when you first start somewhere, you're 0:02:57.080 --> 0:03:00.880 you are absolutely your best self. I kind of concerned 0:03:00.960 --> 0:03:02.840 because I was like, if this is her best self, 0:03:02.880 --> 0:03:06.520 then we can all go down from here. Yeah. Well 0:03:06.520 --> 0:03:08.480 it's I mean, it's so ridiculous for anyone to be 0:03:08.480 --> 0:03:11.040 like this at work in general. But it's so interesting 0:03:11.120 --> 0:03:13.720 that she's doing it well she's new, because, as you say, 0:03:13.880 --> 0:03:16.680 usually people who are going to eventually be over the 0:03:16.720 --> 0:03:19.560 line at least have the sense to wait until they've 0:03:19.600 --> 0:03:22.560 been there a while longer and are more woven into 0:03:22.560 --> 0:03:26.839 the organization and more comfortable. So it's bizarre that she's 0:03:26.880 --> 0:03:30.200 doing it while she's still knew. How new is she 0:03:31.400 --> 0:03:34.160 now at this point, probably a couple of months in. 0:03:34.800 --> 0:03:38.640 But yeah, when it first started becoming a very big issue. 0:03:38.840 --> 0:03:40.960 I mean she was less than a month in. She 0:03:41.120 --> 0:03:46.320 had already taken about four days off in a month span, 0:03:47.160 --> 0:03:49.240 whether it was calling in sick or just you know, 0:03:49.600 --> 0:03:51.680 I'm not quite sure. Again, I'm I'm not. I don't 0:03:51.720 --> 0:03:54.840 deal with that as much. But yeah, solid three Mondays 0:03:54.840 --> 0:03:58.320 and a Friday. This is fascinating. Now you said it's 0:03:58.360 --> 0:04:02.240 a law firm, which actually made me think, oh, okay, 0:04:01.720 --> 0:04:06.160 because law firms are sort of notorious if you're bad behavior. 0:04:06.320 --> 0:04:11.640 Is she a lawyer? She is not, she's fair legal. Okay, interesting, okay, 0:04:11.640 --> 0:04:13.600 but yeah, it does seem like law firms are just 0:04:13.880 --> 0:04:20.200 like riven with bad behavior. Um. Absolutely, Now is your 0:04:20.279 --> 0:04:23.279 sense that it's being addressed behind the scenes, just more 0:04:23.320 --> 0:04:25.400 slowly than it should be, or do you work somewhere 0:04:25.440 --> 0:04:29.440 with a culture where problems don't always get addressed. So 0:04:29.560 --> 0:04:32.159 it is a very small law firm. Um, there's less 0:04:32.200 --> 0:04:36.120 than ten of us total, so it is not the 0:04:36.160 --> 0:04:40.040 typical office environment. You know, law firms in general are 0:04:40.080 --> 0:04:43.960 notorious for being kind of a little toxic, and we 0:04:44.040 --> 0:04:49.680 are definitely not a typical office. We were very close, Um, 0:04:49.680 --> 0:04:53.280 personal lives are very intertwined. One aspect of it did 0:04:53.279 --> 0:04:59.240 get addressed luckily actually after I had initially written into you. Um, 0:04:59.320 --> 0:05:02.680 but as a whole it has not been addressed. And 0:05:02.760 --> 0:05:08.520 things typically don't get addressed unless it really causes a 0:05:08.600 --> 0:05:11.720 huge problem to clients, if that makes sense. If if 0:05:11.720 --> 0:05:15.600 it's just between us, it doesn't necessarily need to be addressed, 0:05:15.680 --> 0:05:18.000 or you know, it does need to be addressed, but 0:05:18.360 --> 0:05:21.039 it is not a priority. Yeah, that makes sense. And 0:05:21.760 --> 0:05:24.360 the fact that it's such a small firm I'm sure 0:05:24.440 --> 0:05:26.360 makes it worse because if you had a couple of 0:05:26.400 --> 0:05:28.840 hundred people there, you wouldn't be exposed to this all 0:05:28.839 --> 0:05:30.680 the time. But with only ten of you, it's going 0:05:30.760 --> 0:05:33.320 to be hard to get away from that. Oh you can't. 0:05:33.360 --> 0:05:36.240 You can't get away from it. Absolutely. It is not 0:05:36.320 --> 0:05:38.920 only that, is it a it's a small physical office 0:05:38.960 --> 0:05:41.320 so and it's very open, so I mean you can 0:05:41.360 --> 0:05:44.960 hear her constantly. Yeah. Now, you had said to me 0:05:44.960 --> 0:05:46.920 in your letter that aside from this, you really love 0:05:46.960 --> 0:05:49.880 your job, you're really happy there. But what made you 0:05:49.920 --> 0:05:52.039 write into me was that you find yourself kind of 0:05:52.040 --> 0:05:53.960 getting caught up in the drama that she creates, and 0:05:53.960 --> 0:05:56.880 it gets you frazzled and stressed and your work suffers. 0:05:57.760 --> 0:05:59.880 Will you tell me more about that again? And caught 0:06:00.040 --> 0:06:03.240 up in it and it affecting your work absolutely. So 0:06:03.279 --> 0:06:05.560 typically you know her temper tantrums and stuff like that. 0:06:05.839 --> 0:06:09.120 I'm not as privy to it because I am separated. 0:06:09.160 --> 0:06:11.120 I have a you know, I have a door. I don't. 0:06:11.240 --> 0:06:14.760 She has slammed my door before, but I have a door. 0:06:14.800 --> 0:06:18.960 I'm away from her typically, but recently she sent a 0:06:19.080 --> 0:06:23.480 very passive, aggressive email to me, didn't copy anyone UM, 0:06:23.520 --> 0:06:25.520 and she did it to another coworker that I found 0:06:25.520 --> 0:06:30.000 out later that really, I mean, just thinking about it 0:06:30.080 --> 0:06:32.599 kind of gets me a little caught up again because 0:06:32.680 --> 0:06:36.719 it was just very frustrating to be on the receiving 0:06:36.800 --> 0:06:39.880 end of it, and it really affected me for the 0:06:39.880 --> 0:06:42.400 whole day. I could I kept thinking about it. It 0:06:42.440 --> 0:06:45.520 was just getting me really frustrated and I really couldn't 0:06:45.520 --> 0:06:50.680 think about anything else. And was it just like personal nastiness? Yes, 0:06:50.720 --> 0:06:54.919 and no, it was something that um. The what she 0:06:55.000 --> 0:06:58.440 was emailing about, which I've seen you talk about plenty 0:06:58.480 --> 0:07:02.680 of times, UM was actually a candle, which sounds very dramatic. 0:07:03.040 --> 0:07:05.360 So she emailed me about a candle I had burning, 0:07:05.400 --> 0:07:07.840 and we had discussed it. She had emailed someone else 0:07:07.880 --> 0:07:11.400 about a candle they had burning and just complaining about it, 0:07:11.440 --> 0:07:13.480 not saying it made her ill, but just saying she 0:07:13.520 --> 0:07:17.240 didn't like it. And something that frustrated me about it 0:07:17.320 --> 0:07:20.080 especially was that she is a smoker, and so she'll 0:07:20.120 --> 0:07:22.440 come into our tiny office space, you know, kind of 0:07:22.480 --> 0:07:24.880 breaking and you know, unfortunately it is an addiction. I 0:07:24.960 --> 0:07:28.160 understand that, but it's just kind of a a give 0:07:28.200 --> 0:07:33.160 and take that she doesn't quite see, I guess is 0:07:33.200 --> 0:07:37.200 that the reason we're burning these candles is because we're 0:07:37.200 --> 0:07:40.080 trying to cover up that smell. And so she'll send 0:07:40.160 --> 0:07:46.360 a very passive, aggressive email that really, I mean, just 0:07:46.400 --> 0:07:50.160 really got to me that day. Okay, So I think 0:07:50.200 --> 0:07:52.680 there are two issues. One is this big question of 0:07:53.160 --> 0:07:55.080 how do you avoid letting this kind of thing get 0:07:55.080 --> 0:07:57.360 to you when it's happening around you and there's nothing 0:07:57.360 --> 0:07:59.320 that you can do about it. And the other is 0:07:59.320 --> 0:08:01.600 how do yours on when she's rude directly to you. 0:08:01.640 --> 0:08:03.680 I can't believe she slammed your door, by the way, 0:08:03.760 --> 0:08:06.760 was she like storming out of your office and a huff. 0:08:06.800 --> 0:08:10.800 She she was actually just like walking through and it 0:08:10.920 --> 0:08:15.080 was oh man, it was And the email actually came 0:08:15.120 --> 0:08:19.680 shortly after that one. Ah. Yes. So she just kind 0:08:19.680 --> 0:08:23.240 of stomped through and slammed the door, and I I 0:08:23.240 --> 0:08:25.240 thought maybe something was going on with her. I was like, 0:08:25.280 --> 0:08:28.360 maybe she's frustrated, you know. But then it came to me, 0:08:28.440 --> 0:08:30.119 so I was like, Oh, you slammed the door because 0:08:30.120 --> 0:08:37.560 of me. That's I mean, it's really hard to ignore 0:08:37.600 --> 0:08:41.880 stuff like that because other annoying habits, I mean, frankly, 0:08:41.920 --> 0:08:44.720 all annoying habits can be hard to ignore. But others 0:08:44.840 --> 0:08:46.160 you can kind of let them roll off of you. 0:08:46.280 --> 0:08:50.520 But when someone is injecting that kind of aggressive anger 0:08:51.080 --> 0:08:54.280 into the environment you're working in, that is really hard 0:08:54.320 --> 0:08:56.720 to tune out. I mean, that's just a very disruptive 0:08:57.000 --> 0:09:00.319 energy to have around you. Well, I want to give 0:09:00.360 --> 0:09:03.160 some advice. Let's take a short break here, and when 0:09:03.160 --> 0:09:05.319 we come back, let's get into what you can actually 0:09:05.360 --> 0:09:16.600 do about this. Okay, and we are back. Before the break, 0:09:16.640 --> 0:09:19.160 I was saying, I think there's probably two different questions here. 0:09:19.200 --> 0:09:21.000 There's what do you do when she's rude to you? 0:09:21.280 --> 0:09:23.920 And there's what do you do about this bigger situation 0:09:24.080 --> 0:09:27.679 that you can't control. When she's rude to you directly, 0:09:27.760 --> 0:09:30.680 I think you have a couple of options. With some people, 0:09:31.200 --> 0:09:33.360 you can address it pretty directly. I don't think I 0:09:33.400 --> 0:09:35.600 would recommend that with her because she sounds like a 0:09:35.640 --> 0:09:38.040 loose cannon, and I don't know that there is a 0:09:38.080 --> 0:09:40.640 point in engaging. I mean, she sounds volatile and just 0:09:40.679 --> 0:09:44.160 generally kind of horrible. But if that weren't the case, 0:09:44.480 --> 0:09:47.560 then sometimes you can just name the rudeness and ask 0:09:47.600 --> 0:09:50.400 what's going on, Like, Hey, your tone here really surprised me. 0:09:50.880 --> 0:09:52.800 Is there something going on that I don't know about? 0:09:53.480 --> 0:09:56.480 Or I might be misinterpreting, but you sound frustrated with me? 0:09:56.559 --> 0:10:00.840 What context am I missing? And sometimes again I don't 0:10:00.880 --> 0:10:03.920 think with her, but sometimes just practically calling it out 0:10:03.960 --> 0:10:06.240 like that, not being rude back, but just naming what 0:10:06.320 --> 0:10:09.760 you're hearing and asking what's up with it. Sometimes rude 0:10:09.800 --> 0:10:13.160 people will respect that and respond to it. Sometimes they're 0:10:13.200 --> 0:10:16.160 so used to never having been called out in a direct, 0:10:16.679 --> 0:10:19.160 matter of fact way that they will actually back off. 0:10:19.200 --> 0:10:21.280 I actually did this with a coworker once ages ago. 0:10:21.520 --> 0:10:23.320 Some of the time he was fine, but sometimes he 0:10:23.320 --> 0:10:26.640 would get just really grumpy and aggressive out of nowhere. 0:10:26.640 --> 0:10:27.920 I think it was just like when he was in 0:10:27.960 --> 0:10:30.040 a bad mood, he would take it out on everyone else. 0:10:30.840 --> 0:10:32.599 And I was finally like, look, you're talking to me 0:10:32.640 --> 0:10:34.880 in a way that is really unpleasant. What am I 0:10:34.920 --> 0:10:38.040 missing here? And he actually apologized and stopped doing it 0:10:38.120 --> 0:10:40.439 around me, So that was a success. But it doesn't 0:10:40.440 --> 0:10:43.439 work every time, and I don't think it's the solution 0:10:43.520 --> 0:10:46.760 here with this coworker because she just sounds too far 0:10:46.840 --> 0:10:50.920 gone for that. So there is another option, which is 0:10:51.400 --> 0:10:53.600 to just kind of ignore it. And I mean, like 0:10:53.600 --> 0:10:56.079 like I was saying earlier, that's really hard to do 0:10:56.400 --> 0:11:01.480 with that kind of hostility and anger. But you could 0:11:01.559 --> 0:11:05.679 try really internalizing that this behavior is all about her, 0:11:05.840 --> 0:11:08.440 you know, and clearly it is, because no rational person 0:11:09.240 --> 0:11:11.400 is doing this sort of thing. No rational person is 0:11:11.480 --> 0:11:14.760 routinely thrown papers at work. You're those doors. I mean, 0:11:14.800 --> 0:11:16.960 people just don't do that. So I think if you 0:11:17.000 --> 0:11:21.320 can internalize this is a about her, sometimes you can 0:11:21.400 --> 0:11:23.760 kind of distance yourself from it because you work with 0:11:23.760 --> 0:11:27.360 this crazily hostile person and sometimes that is going to 0:11:27.440 --> 0:11:30.680 splatter on you because you're standing nearby, But it's not 0:11:30.760 --> 0:11:33.520 about you. And if you get really clear on that 0:11:33.720 --> 0:11:36.840 in your head. Sometimes it can make it easier to 0:11:36.960 --> 0:11:38.440 just let it roll off you. You know, you get 0:11:38.440 --> 0:11:40.800 a route email, you roll your eyes at it, maybe 0:11:40.840 --> 0:11:43.480 you even feel sorry for but then you move on 0:11:43.520 --> 0:11:45.520 with your day. But I mean, I know that that 0:11:45.640 --> 0:11:48.360 is really easier said than done with someone like this. 0:11:49.400 --> 0:11:51.920 I do want to say more about this idea of 0:11:51.960 --> 0:11:54.880 feeling sorry for her that I just mentioned, because well, 0:11:54.920 --> 0:11:58.400 that is probably the last, the last instinct that you're 0:11:58.440 --> 0:12:01.719 having right now. There might be something there that will help. 0:12:01.760 --> 0:12:03.840 I mean, you're not required to feel sorry for her. 0:12:03.920 --> 0:12:08.440 She's behaving wildly inappropriately, and she's making your work environment 0:12:08.520 --> 0:12:11.160 really awful, and you don't have to have sympathy for 0:12:11.240 --> 0:12:13.680 that if you don't want to. But it is true 0:12:14.200 --> 0:12:16.760 that you've got to be a pretty unhappy person to 0:12:16.920 --> 0:12:19.600 routinely behave the way that she is. I mean, imagine 0:12:20.120 --> 0:12:22.720 being her and going through your life that way, like 0:12:22.800 --> 0:12:25.640 imagine showing up at a new job that way. I 0:12:25.679 --> 0:12:28.640 don't know what kind of relationships she can have with 0:12:28.720 --> 0:12:30.959 family and friends when she's like this, but I would 0:12:31.000 --> 0:12:33.240 bet that they're not great ones. And I would bet 0:12:33.280 --> 0:12:35.839 she has yeah, and I bet she has a lot 0:12:35.880 --> 0:12:39.040 of weird stuff going on internally. I mean, obviously, anger 0:12:39.160 --> 0:12:42.880 at a minimum before is often a cover for other issues. 0:12:42.920 --> 0:12:45.760 So I mean not to be overly sympathetic here, because 0:12:45.800 --> 0:12:48.800 she is making your life pretty bad, but I bet 0:12:48.800 --> 0:12:52.040 it is fairly painful and frustrating to be her, And 0:12:52.200 --> 0:12:55.960 sometimes if you can remember that, it can drain a 0:12:55.960 --> 0:12:59.080 lot of power from the person and make it easier 0:12:59.160 --> 0:13:01.199 to let their behavior roll off of he because now 0:13:01.240 --> 0:13:04.520 she's not this monster. Now she's kind of this sad 0:13:04.600 --> 0:13:06.920 situation that you can have pity for. Does any of 0:13:06.960 --> 0:13:11.560 that resonate? I mean, um, it's kind of been what 0:13:11.600 --> 0:13:14.880 I've been trying to do, honestly, is especially given the 0:13:14.920 --> 0:13:18.240 context that I hadn't mentioned this earlier. But she's not 0:13:18.800 --> 0:13:23.880 really even doing much work. She's not really doing much 0:13:23.920 --> 0:13:27.160 of anything. Um, if she gets projects, she maybe does 0:13:27.320 --> 0:13:32.160 one a day, you know, So in that context, especially um, 0:13:32.160 --> 0:13:34.920 given that she's claimed to have you know, so much 0:13:34.960 --> 0:13:38.440 work history in this environment, I do feel sorry for 0:13:38.480 --> 0:13:41.680 her because I can't imagine this lasting for very long. 0:13:41.760 --> 0:13:44.440 I I do feel pity, But at the same time, 0:13:44.520 --> 0:13:47.600 you know, it does get in your head eventually, no 0:13:47.640 --> 0:13:51.280 matter how much you can kind of I don't want 0:13:51.320 --> 0:13:52.840 to say knock her down, but you know, knock a 0:13:52.880 --> 0:13:57.000 monster down. Yeah, gosh. I wonder if the reason she's 0:13:57.040 --> 0:13:59.160 not doing very much work. I wonder if people are 0:13:59.200 --> 0:14:01.679 hesitant to give her work because she's difficult to work with. 0:14:02.640 --> 0:14:05.360 Initially she got quite a bit of work. And I 0:14:05.360 --> 0:14:08.680 mean there, of course, with any new job, there's a 0:14:08.800 --> 0:14:11.480 learning curve of how to do it at this specific office, 0:14:11.480 --> 0:14:14.240 even if you've been doing it for you know, twenty 0:14:14.360 --> 0:14:17.040 or so years. So initially there was a learning curve 0:14:17.080 --> 0:14:20.200 and it was pretty steep. Um. The people who worked 0:14:20.200 --> 0:14:23.000 immediately with her were we're a little alarmed at how 0:14:23.040 --> 0:14:26.560 steep that learning curve was. And even though they kept 0:14:26.600 --> 0:14:29.280 assigning projects, they would have to keep taking them back 0:14:29.320 --> 0:14:32.160 because again, it's a law firm, there are deadlines to me, 0:14:33.040 --> 0:14:36.360 So as much as they try to assign work, whatever 0:14:36.400 --> 0:14:39.400 that work is, she'll complain about it. Even she'll say, 0:14:39.440 --> 0:14:42.040 you know, this isn't good enough for me. I don't 0:14:42.080 --> 0:14:44.440 I don't file, or you know, I want to do this, 0:14:44.600 --> 0:14:48.520 I don't want to do that, And it's just we 0:14:48.600 --> 0:14:52.280 all do these things. Whatever she is getting assigned, we 0:14:52.320 --> 0:14:56.600 all do them. So her thinking she's better than whatever 0:14:56.720 --> 0:15:02.720 tasks she's assigned again is an they're very frustrating things. Yeah, 0:15:02.880 --> 0:15:06.400 I'm thinking about how he said that usually problems don't 0:15:06.440 --> 0:15:10.320 really get forthrightly addressed there unless they're impacting clients. But 0:15:10.360 --> 0:15:13.280 I wonder if this piece of it might eventually move 0:15:13.280 --> 0:15:16.840 it into that category where it does get addressed. Absolutely. 0:15:17.320 --> 0:15:20.240 It is again, since I've written in it is kind 0:15:20.240 --> 0:15:24.200 of slowly gotten into the circle of what the upper 0:15:24.280 --> 0:15:26.960 levels are thinking about. They're kind of they're aware of it, 0:15:27.000 --> 0:15:30.960 they've kind of discussed it with their upper levels and 0:15:30.960 --> 0:15:35.400 and kind of seeing what they're finally realizing that we've 0:15:35.400 --> 0:15:38.960 all had to deal with for quite a bit of time. Yeah. Well, 0:15:38.960 --> 0:15:42.400 it's good that it's being seen and and this might 0:15:42.480 --> 0:15:44.920 be the piece of it that does get it brought 0:15:44.960 --> 0:15:48.920 to a resolution. Who knows. I want to talk also 0:15:48.960 --> 0:15:50.960 about the other piece of this, this question of how 0:15:50.960 --> 0:15:53.680 do you work somewhere that has a frustrating situation going 0:15:53.720 --> 0:15:56.040 on that you can't stop and not let it get 0:15:56.080 --> 0:15:58.600 to you. So we'll do one final break and when 0:15:58.600 --> 0:16:08.560 we come back, let's tackle that. Okay, we are back, 0:16:09.760 --> 0:16:12.000 So we want to talk about the big question of 0:16:12.040 --> 0:16:14.920 your letter, which is when there is something really frustrating 0:16:14.960 --> 0:16:17.920 going on around you at work and you can't stop it. 0:16:18.240 --> 0:16:21.880 What do you do? And I think there are a 0:16:22.000 --> 0:16:24.000 couple of different things I'm going to throw out there. 0:16:24.000 --> 0:16:26.160 We'll see if any of them resonate with you. Maybe 0:16:26.160 --> 0:16:28.080 all of them will, maybe none of them will. We'll 0:16:28.120 --> 0:16:30.400 see what happens, hopefully all of them. Hopefully all of them. 0:16:30.400 --> 0:16:33.880 That's right, So one of them is just trying to 0:16:33.880 --> 0:16:36.880 get some clarity about what the situation is. If you knew, 0:16:36.920 --> 0:16:40.040 for example, that your workplace was generally pretty good about 0:16:40.080 --> 0:16:43.120 addressing problems, but it just tended to take a few months, 0:16:43.360 --> 0:16:46.000 you might be able to safely assume, Okay, my past 0:16:46.040 --> 0:16:48.400 experience here tells me that they are on this and 0:16:48.480 --> 0:16:51.120 something is going to get done. But I also know 0:16:51.240 --> 0:16:53.280 that it's not the fastest process. But I do know 0:16:53.440 --> 0:16:55.320 enough to trust that it's not being ignored and in 0:16:55.360 --> 0:16:58.320 time this will be dealt with um or in your case, 0:16:58.760 --> 0:17:01.120 it might be it's seems like this is on their 0:17:01.200 --> 0:17:03.760 radar now, and there might be details of this that 0:17:03.760 --> 0:17:05.480 are going to mean that it will be addressed, even 0:17:05.480 --> 0:17:09.159 if otherwise it might not have been. Or if you 0:17:09.200 --> 0:17:12.600 are somewhere that never addressed problems no matter what which 0:17:12.640 --> 0:17:15.560 is definitely a place that some people work in that 0:17:15.640 --> 0:17:19.119 in itself, as frustrating as it is, is actually another 0:17:19.200 --> 0:17:23.080 kind of clarity because in that case, you can tell yourself, 0:17:23.480 --> 0:17:25.320 you know, I really like working here because of X, 0:17:25.400 --> 0:17:26.879 Y and Z, but I know that one of the 0:17:26.920 --> 0:17:29.720 trade offs is that they are way too accommodating of 0:17:29.760 --> 0:17:32.439 bad behavior and this is probably going to go on 0:17:32.560 --> 0:17:35.680 for quite a while. And that doesn't sound very helpful 0:17:35.880 --> 0:17:38.960 or very very encouraging, I know, but it can help 0:17:39.000 --> 0:17:41.720 you avoid a situation where every time your co worker 0:17:41.800 --> 0:17:43.680 has an outburst, you're sort of being in your head 0:17:43.680 --> 0:17:45.680 against the wall with frustration about why no one is 0:17:45.720 --> 0:17:47.879 dealing with it, because you know why they're not dealing 0:17:47.880 --> 0:17:49.359 with it. You know their conflict of verse and they 0:17:49.400 --> 0:17:51.760 don't deal with problems, and so you don't need to 0:17:52.040 --> 0:17:54.640 like gnash your teeth waiting for it to be handled. 0:17:54.800 --> 0:17:56.159 You you know that it's going to go on for 0:17:56.200 --> 0:17:58.840 a while, and there can be a kind of emotional 0:17:58.920 --> 0:18:02.199 freedom in just knowing that, so that you aren't like 0:18:02.320 --> 0:18:05.160 waiting and wondering and pulling out your hair about why 0:18:05.200 --> 0:18:08.760 no one is taking action. Does that make sense? Absolutely? 0:18:08.800 --> 0:18:11.320 There's so much freedom and just kind of accepting the 0:18:11.359 --> 0:18:13.640 fact that nothing will be done about this, so let 0:18:13.640 --> 0:18:15.840 me just move on with what I have to do 0:18:16.000 --> 0:18:18.359 and just you know, try and truck a long best 0:18:18.400 --> 0:18:21.159 I can. There's absolutely a clarity in that. Yeah, and 0:18:21.200 --> 0:18:24.480 I think seen from one angle, that can sound really pessimistic, 0:18:24.680 --> 0:18:27.920 but it really is liberating to just like to not 0:18:28.080 --> 0:18:29.840 have to think, like, do I have to tell someone 0:18:29.840 --> 0:18:31.640 about this? Is there something that I should be doing? 0:18:31.720 --> 0:18:33.400 Is it going to be tomorrow that they deal with it. 0:18:34.080 --> 0:18:37.240 It really like you can kind of relax sometimes when 0:18:37.240 --> 0:18:39.399 you realize this is just going to be how it is. 0:18:40.520 --> 0:18:42.679 Another thing you can sometimes do is to talk to 0:18:42.720 --> 0:18:46.480 your own boss about the situation. Not always, but if 0:18:46.560 --> 0:18:48.760 you do have a pretty good relationship with your boss 0:18:49.359 --> 0:18:52.119 and she seems to have good judgment and be reasonably 0:18:52.160 --> 0:18:54.960 clued into what is going on in your office, sometimes 0:18:55.119 --> 0:18:57.040 you can say something like, hey, do you have any 0:18:57.080 --> 0:18:59.720 sense of what is going on with Jane? Do you 0:18:59.760 --> 0:19:02.720 think someone who's working on it behind the scenes and 0:19:03.000 --> 0:19:05.880 who knows you might hear, oh, it is definitely being handled, 0:19:06.320 --> 0:19:09.600 which would give you some comfort, or you might hear, well, 0:19:09.640 --> 0:19:12.159 you know, Jane's boss has her hands full with other stuff. 0:19:12.440 --> 0:19:14.640 So I think it's probably not getting very much attention 0:19:14.720 --> 0:19:17.840 right now. Or you know, Jane's uncle plays golf with 0:19:17.920 --> 0:19:21.560 the CEO, and so no one who knows, but it 0:19:21.640 --> 0:19:25.200 might give you just some more context for what's happening. 0:19:25.560 --> 0:19:28.240 But the big thing that I want to recommend, and 0:19:28.240 --> 0:19:30.280 if you've read Asking Manager for any length of time, 0:19:30.560 --> 0:19:32.560 you've probably heard me say this before, and because I'm 0:19:32.560 --> 0:19:35.040 a huge fan of this, and it is that sometimes 0:19:35.560 --> 0:19:37.520 when you are stuck in a situation where there is 0:19:37.560 --> 0:19:39.960 bad behavior going on that you can't do anything about, 0:19:40.400 --> 0:19:42.760 it can be helpful to reframe it in your head 0:19:42.880 --> 0:19:48.000 so that you find it entertaining. My sister, my sister 0:19:48.040 --> 0:19:50.000 actually told me a long time ago that when she 0:19:50.200 --> 0:19:53.159 is stuck in a situation with irritating people and she 0:19:53.200 --> 0:19:55.760 can't get away from them, she pretends that she is 0:19:55.800 --> 0:19:59.440 a heroine in a Jane Austin novel, and she is 0:19:59.480 --> 0:20:02.359 a poor relation who's stuck around these rich relatives who 0:20:02.359 --> 0:20:05.760 are behaving badly and she's dependent on them, so she 0:20:05.800 --> 0:20:07.800 can't do anything about it, which is a common theme 0:20:07.880 --> 0:20:10.679 in Jane Austen novels. And she said it really changes 0:20:10.680 --> 0:20:13.840 her perspective because she loves Jane Austen, She's able to 0:20:13.840 --> 0:20:16.840 find it amusing instead of just annoying. And I love 0:20:16.880 --> 0:20:18.840 this advice for work things. It doesn't have to be 0:20:18.920 --> 0:20:21.760 Jane Austen. You could pretend it's like a workplace comedy, 0:20:21.800 --> 0:20:25.200 like the office or any other form of entertainment because 0:20:25.720 --> 0:20:28.960 you're a coworker. Sounds like she is behaving badly enough 0:20:29.000 --> 0:20:31.880 that she could be a character on a TV show, 0:20:32.000 --> 0:20:34.160 maybe even one where you would watch it and think 0:20:34.359 --> 0:20:37.000 this is such an unrealistic portrayal because no one would 0:20:37.040 --> 0:20:40.400 get away with behaving that badly. Or you can pretend 0:20:40.560 --> 0:20:42.720 there's a variation on that. You can pretend that you're 0:20:42.720 --> 0:20:45.800 an anthropologist who's studying a different species, or like an 0:20:45.840 --> 0:20:49.639 alien life form. With all of these, I think the 0:20:49.720 --> 0:20:51.719 reason they work, to whatever it's not that they do 0:20:51.800 --> 0:20:56.000 work is that you're putting some emotional distance between you 0:20:56.160 --> 0:20:59.240 and the situation, and when you step back, it's easier 0:20:59.280 --> 0:21:02.080 to find some hue or in it, and that drains 0:21:02.200 --> 0:21:04.400 a lot of power from the person and can make 0:21:04.440 --> 0:21:08.680 the whole thing more bearable. Does any of that resonate absolutely, 0:21:08.760 --> 0:21:11.520 especially you know kind of picturing it. I was thinking, 0:21:11.600 --> 0:21:13.720 as you're as you said, the office. I'm just thinking 0:21:13.760 --> 0:21:17.439