WEBVTT - 2025 Update: Leif + A Conversation with Anna Konkle 0:00:15.210 --> 0:00:24.890 Pushkin. Hello, Hello, it seems like the Spider has become 0:00:26.210 --> 0:00:30.210 this thing that catches the fly. You're welcoming me into 0:00:30.250 --> 0:00:30.850 the studio. 0:00:31.210 --> 0:00:33.129 Am I the fly? No, I guess you're the fly. 0:00:33.210 --> 0:00:39.050 I'm the spider. Feels pretty good. So so what Yeah, 0:00:39.090 --> 0:00:43.409 As hopefully our listeners know by now, if they're paying attention. 0:00:43.170 --> 0:00:45.609 Well, whoa, whoa. I was sensing a little attitude. 0:00:46.010 --> 0:00:47.690 Don't antagonize the listeners. 0:00:48.290 --> 0:00:50.410 That's rule number one in broadcasting. 0:00:51.769 --> 0:00:56.850 As our dear audience should know, we have been encoring 0:00:57.090 --> 0:01:01.650 some episodes this summer, and usually at the end we'll 0:01:01.690 --> 0:01:04.970 have a little update with the guests about what's happened. Since, yes, 0:01:05.290 --> 0:01:08.610 this is going to be a little bit different, I 0:01:08.730 --> 0:01:11.610 got to interview someone I was really really excited to 0:01:11.650 --> 0:01:16.970 talk to. She makes one of my favorite shows. It's 0:01:17.010 --> 0:01:17.970 called Pen fifteen. 0:01:18.130 --> 0:01:19.130 Yeah, we talk about it. 0:01:19.170 --> 0:01:21.650 We talk about it like, yeah frequently we do. 0:01:21.770 --> 0:01:21.970 Yeah. 0:01:22.010 --> 0:01:24.210 When it was running, we really we talked about it 0:01:24.210 --> 0:01:26.090 a lot. I have to say. It's probably one of 0:01:26.090 --> 0:01:27.090 my favorite shows too. 0:01:27.250 --> 0:01:29.930 For those who don't know the show, it is made 0:01:30.130 --> 0:01:34.569 by Anakonkole and Maya Erskin, who are two real life 0:01:34.610 --> 0:01:39.250 best friends and they play versions of themselves at thirteen, 0:01:40.210 --> 0:01:42.730 so it's about their middle school experience. They are playing 0:01:42.770 --> 0:01:46.650 themselves as adults, and then they are surrounded by literal children, 0:01:47.090 --> 0:01:50.250 people who are actually thirteen playing their classmates. 0:01:50.410 --> 0:01:53.290 For the first episode, that concept felt like a big 0:01:53.370 --> 0:01:56.050 hurdle maybe to kind of like get into the story. 0:01:57.050 --> 0:01:59.370 But I was like over it and into it like 0:01:59.450 --> 0:02:01.930 five minutes in. Yeah, you stop thinking about the fact 0:02:02.250 --> 0:02:04.890 they're adults. Yeah, it's like a magic trick that they pull, 0:02:05.650 --> 0:02:08.410 and it's beautiful and so funny. 0:02:08.530 --> 0:02:10.450 It's really good. That's right. I really think anyone who 0:02:10.450 --> 0:02:12.690 hasn't watched it, I would highly highly recommend it. And 0:02:12.730 --> 0:02:16.609 I was very excited to talk to Anna and Yeah, 0:02:16.609 --> 0:02:19.209 we thought it could be a cool conversation to put 0:02:19.210 --> 0:02:22.090 with this episode because both of us are revisiting that 0:02:22.130 --> 0:02:26.810 same age, in her case very literally recreating scenes from 0:02:26.850 --> 0:02:27.570 her childhood. 0:02:27.730 --> 0:02:31.770 Yeah, so you guys end up talking about the episode 0:02:31.850 --> 0:02:33.050 and her show. 0:02:32.850 --> 0:02:36.930 And about just our perspective middle school experiences. 0:02:37.250 --> 0:02:38.730 So let's get to listening, shall we. 0:02:38.890 --> 0:02:49.170 Let's get to listening. I'm Khalila Holt and this is 0:02:49.210 --> 0:03:09.570 Heavyweight Today's episode. Late right after the break, I'm walking 0:03:09.570 --> 0:03:12.769 to work one morning when I spot Laife heading towards me. 0:03:13.730 --> 0:03:17.250 From the ages of twelve to fourteen, Life was my crush, 0:03:17.610 --> 0:03:21.530 the object of my junior high obsession. I still google 0:03:21.570 --> 0:03:25.610 him occasionally, but he's completely absent from the Internet. I 0:03:25.650 --> 0:03:28.410 have no idea what became of him. It's like he 0:03:28.530 --> 0:03:31.610 just disappeared. So when I see him on the street, 0:03:32.010 --> 0:03:34.450 I feel my heart speed up. I wonder if I 0:03:34.450 --> 0:03:38.210 should say hi. I wonder if I say hi in 0:03:38.250 --> 0:03:44.970 what tone I should go Life, Life, oh Liafe. But 0:03:45.050 --> 0:03:48.530 then as I dropped closer, I realized that the man 0:03:48.650 --> 0:03:51.490 I thought was life is not life at all, and 0:03:51.530 --> 0:03:54.930 in fact is not even a man. He's a teenager. 0:03:55.970 --> 0:03:58.930 This makes sense given that I've not seen life since 0:03:58.970 --> 0:04:03.210 I was fourteen years old. Still, having your heart speed 0:04:03.290 --> 0:04:05.610 up at the sight of a teenager is a sure 0:04:05.650 --> 0:04:12.650 way to feel like a creep. And just like that, 0:04:13.170 --> 0:04:16.770 to quote Carrie Bradshaw, Liaife is back on my mind 0:04:19.849 --> 0:04:22.370 all these years later, and I remember the exact type 0:04:22.370 --> 0:04:26.169 of pen layfro with. I remember his birthday. I remember 0:04:26.210 --> 0:04:28.770 how he kept his wallet on a long chain, the 0:04:28.810 --> 0:04:31.289 first time I'd ever seen such a thing done, and 0:04:31.369 --> 0:04:34.529 wore a quicksilver sweatshirt with holes worn through the sleeves 0:04:34.529 --> 0:04:37.609 that he'd stick his thumbs through. He was pale, with 0:04:37.690 --> 0:04:40.089 blue eyes, short and slight. 0:04:40.890 --> 0:04:44.330 I remember him being kind of like wayfish, almost like 0:04:44.409 --> 0:04:45.929 kind of almost like a furial. 0:04:47.409 --> 0:04:51.089 Crushes do not exist in a vacuum. They require gleeful 0:04:51.130 --> 0:04:55.089 gossip with your friends. And so I call Itchia, who's 0:04:55.089 --> 0:04:58.210 been my best friend since elementary school, to talk about 0:04:58.250 --> 0:04:59.729 our old classmate Lafe. 0:05:00.049 --> 0:05:02.250 He had this like light blonde hair that he died 0:05:02.289 --> 0:05:04.729 and was not a long like down to here, but 0:05:04.969 --> 0:05:07.170 hair long like like a bottling. 0:05:06.890 --> 0:05:12.450 But like shag. And then yeah, there go the man's bob. Once, 0:05:12.650 --> 0:05:15.930 while away on a school sponsored trip, we phoned Leife 0:05:15.929 --> 0:05:19.810 from our hotel room, me, Lucia, and our other friend Emily, 0:05:20.529 --> 0:05:23.690 but three of us huddled together on the scratchy Marriotte comforter, 0:05:24.250 --> 0:05:28.370 stifling our giddiness as we dialed. I don't remember if 0:05:28.369 --> 0:05:30.009 we actually talked to the thing I remember is that 0:05:30.049 --> 0:05:30.450 we called. 0:05:30.529 --> 0:05:32.570 We talked to his mom. 0:05:32.849 --> 0:05:35.289 Our friend Emily asked if she could speak with Laife. 0:05:35.890 --> 0:05:40.330 It's Emily, she said. Emily said, Leife's mom go upstairs 0:05:40.409 --> 0:05:43.089 and talk to him. Then she hung up on us. 0:05:43.770 --> 0:05:47.250 Turned out he had a sister named Emily, so weird. 0:05:48.489 --> 0:05:52.210 Luccia's stepmom was a photographer, and she once mentioned that 0:05:52.250 --> 0:05:54.810 if Laife and I ever started dating, she wanted to 0:05:54.849 --> 0:05:57.609 take our portrait. I don't think she knew I had 0:05:57.650 --> 0:06:00.809 a crush on him. Laife was just so short and 0:06:00.890 --> 0:06:03.330 I was so tall that I think she found the 0:06:03.369 --> 0:06:06.770 idea of us as a couple funny. I was already 0:06:06.810 --> 0:06:09.729 six feet tall by the end of eighth grade. I 0:06:09.770 --> 0:06:12.969 got pressured into playing basketball, but I was so meek 0:06:13.049 --> 0:06:15.889 that I usually just stood there while some terrifying girl 0:06:16.010 --> 0:06:18.850 shoved by me with the ball. I don't like to 0:06:18.890 --> 0:06:22.050 look at pictures of myself from that time. Standing next 0:06:22.089 --> 0:06:24.690 to other kids my age, I look like the teacher 0:06:25.130 --> 0:06:28.810 or like someone's off putting sister home from college. None 0:06:28.810 --> 0:06:31.689 of my pants fit correctly, and my socks were always 0:06:31.690 --> 0:06:34.569 pulled up too high. I used to listen to the 0:06:34.609 --> 0:06:39.250 song eleanor Rigby and panic. In my interpretation, it was 0:06:39.289 --> 0:06:41.570 a song about how no one wanted to date poor 0:06:41.570 --> 0:06:44.890 old eleanor Rigby, just like no one wanted to date me. 0:06:51.450 --> 0:06:53.650 When I was thirteen. One day I was sitting by 0:06:53.650 --> 0:06:56.569 the gym after school with my friend desiree. When she 0:06:56.650 --> 0:07:00.770 told me, I picture you getting a boyfriend in college. 0:07:00.929 --> 0:07:03.449 She laid out this whole hypothetical where me and my 0:07:03.489 --> 0:07:06.529 future boyfriend reached for the same book at the library. 0:07:07.289 --> 0:07:11.570 At the time I was offended college, other girls at 0:07:11.570 --> 0:07:16.209 my school, desire included, already had boyfriends, the middle school 0:07:16.290 --> 0:07:18.530 version of a boyfriend where you were afraid to touch 0:07:18.530 --> 0:07:21.370 each other and broke up after a week. But still 0:07:21.970 --> 0:07:25.490 I had to wait till college. But as it turned out, 0:07:25.770 --> 0:07:29.250 I did not get a boyfriend before college, nor in college, 0:07:29.650 --> 0:07:33.330 nor even for several years after college, And so I 0:07:33.410 --> 0:07:38.330 concluded the problem was not my circumstances. The problem was me. 0:07:39.330 --> 0:07:43.210 I was not datable. After meeting me for the first time, 0:07:43.450 --> 0:07:47.010 people might say, oh, she was funny, but they'd never say, 0:07:47.330 --> 0:07:50.730 is she single. I was simply not a person that 0:07:50.810 --> 0:07:55.850 anyone could think of romantically. At college parties, boys would 0:07:55.850 --> 0:07:58.689 grab my friends and start dancing with them, and I 0:07:58.690 --> 0:08:01.809 would stay for a while, dancing alongside them, like I 0:08:01.890 --> 0:08:04.889 was part of the good time, but eventually I'd walk away. 0:08:05.730 --> 0:08:08.530 It was weird for me to keep standing there smiling 0:08:08.570 --> 0:08:12.450 blankly at the wall while they were making out. By 0:08:12.489 --> 0:08:15.090 now I'm in my thirties, and I actually do have 0:08:15.130 --> 0:08:18.929 a boyfriend. Sam and I have been together for four years. 0:08:19.450 --> 0:08:23.130 We live together, We've taken trips, know each other's moms, 0:08:23.369 --> 0:08:27.650 list each other on emergency contact forms, and yet still 0:08:28.090 --> 0:08:30.890 I can't shake this feeling that I'm behind, that there's 0:08:30.929 --> 0:08:34.250 something wrong with me, that I started too late, and 0:08:34.290 --> 0:08:38.410 now I can never catch up. Sometimes Sam tells me 0:08:38.530 --> 0:08:40.770 stories about the girls he used to hook up with, 0:08:41.330 --> 0:08:44.090 or about his high school girlfriend, or the girlfriend he 0:08:44.130 --> 0:08:47.090 lived with before he lived with me. I know that 0:08:47.130 --> 0:08:49.010 he's not trying to get back together with any of 0:08:49.010 --> 0:08:52.370 these people. I know he does invested in our relationship 0:08:52.410 --> 0:08:56.570 as I am. Still, when he tells these stories, I 0:08:56.610 --> 0:09:00.210 feel so inadequate that I want to cry. A couple 0:09:00.250 --> 0:09:03.370 times I have cried, and he has been confused, and 0:09:03.450 --> 0:09:05.770 suddenly we're in an argument because I don't know how 0:09:05.770 --> 0:09:09.490 to explain why I'm crying. I want charming stif stories 0:09:09.530 --> 0:09:12.490 like that one of rhapsodizes about my past of young 0:09:12.570 --> 0:09:16.890 love and mutual discovery. Instead, my past is a wall 0:09:16.930 --> 0:09:19.810 I smiled at, and the only stories I have about 0:09:19.850 --> 0:09:23.290 people I've hooked up with are vaguely unsettling to repeat. 0:09:30.690 --> 0:09:33.570 I liked Leife at a time before all that, back 0:09:33.610 --> 0:09:36.050 when it still felt like romance might happen for me, 0:09:36.610 --> 0:09:38.810 like any interaction could be the start of a love 0:09:38.930 --> 0:09:42.570 story for the Ages. One time I brought whole Food 0:09:42.610 --> 0:09:45.890 sushi for lunch and felt self conscious because I'd seen 0:09:45.930 --> 0:09:48.690 the Breakfast Club in which Molly Ringwald is mocked for 0:09:48.730 --> 0:09:52.130 bringing sushi for lunch. But Leif walked by my table 0:09:52.170 --> 0:09:54.570 and said, is that sushi? And I said yes? And 0:09:54.610 --> 0:09:56.610 he said I love sushi. And I said would you 0:09:56.690 --> 0:09:58.770 like a piece? And he said really? And I said yes, 0:09:58.810 --> 0:10:00.770 And suddenly I was proud to have a lunch of 0:10:00.810 --> 0:10:04.970 whole food sushi. Laife talked constantly about a band called 0:10:04.970 --> 0:10:08.610 Billie Talent, a semi yelly alt rock group with lyrics 0:10:08.650 --> 0:10:12.290 about my I started listening to them because I knew 0:10:12.370 --> 0:10:16.210 Laife liked them, and from there became an obsessive fan myself. 0:10:17.210 --> 0:10:19.610 Once I ran into Laife at a Billie Talent concert, 0:10:20.370 --> 0:10:22.650 I pretended not to see him because I didn't want 0:10:22.690 --> 0:10:25.250 him to think that I'd followed him there, But he 0:10:25.290 --> 0:10:28.570 came over and said hi to me. There were little 0:10:28.610 --> 0:10:31.090 moments where it almost seemed like he could be flirting 0:10:31.130 --> 0:10:34.730 with me. We followed each other on the blogging site zanga, 0:10:35.210 --> 0:10:37.330 and for a while there was some sort of glitch 0:10:37.450 --> 0:10:40.690 where Life was unable to comment on my page. When 0:10:40.730 --> 0:10:43.410 the glitch was fixed, he was so excited that he 0:10:43.490 --> 0:10:47.050 left me one hundred comments in a row. Comment forty 0:10:47.090 --> 0:10:50.170 two said, on the forty second day of Christmas, I 0:10:50.210 --> 0:10:54.690 gave to Kaylee one hundred comments, lots of typing and 0:10:54.770 --> 0:11:03.130 a pear tree. I still have a journal from that time. 0:11:03.810 --> 0:11:07.290 In it, i'd write Laife all these vague letters. It 0:11:07.370 --> 0:11:10.370 is humiliating to read these letters now, to the point 0:11:10.370 --> 0:11:13.530 where I refuse to quote them here. Suffice it to 0:11:13.570 --> 0:11:18.690 say that I constantly referred to him as dearest. Surrounding 0:11:18.690 --> 0:11:22.530 the letters are my thoughts about myself, mostly how I 0:11:22.570 --> 0:11:26.530 wished I were a different person entirely, someone charismatic and 0:11:26.570 --> 0:11:30.570 sought after. Sometimes I'd have this huge swell of self 0:11:30.610 --> 0:11:33.570 hatred that I didn't know what to do with. Once 0:11:33.730 --> 0:11:36.410 I tried to caught myself, but the kitchen knife I 0:11:36.530 --> 0:11:39.330 chose was not very sharp, and so it was harder 0:11:39.370 --> 0:11:41.290 than I thought it would be, and I gave up. 0:11:42.570 --> 0:11:44.690 When I find someone who wants to date me, I 0:11:44.730 --> 0:11:48.570 thought this feeling will go away. I hoped that life 0:11:48.730 --> 0:11:52.610 might be that someone. I'd talked long fantasies about how 0:11:52.610 --> 0:11:55.610 we'd get together, and sometimes I'd realize what a good 0:11:55.650 --> 0:11:58.050 mood I was in, and then I'd realize the good 0:11:58.050 --> 0:12:00.890 mood was because of something I'd made up, something that 0:12:00.930 --> 0:12:10.850 hadn't really happened at all. In the winter of eighth grade, 0:12:11.210 --> 0:12:15.530 I finally decided enough with the secret pining. It was 0:12:15.610 --> 0:12:19.010 time to let Laife know how I felt. And so 0:12:19.610 --> 0:12:23.090 I took action. And by took action, I mean that 0:12:23.170 --> 0:12:27.050 I delegated action to other people. There was a stairway 0:12:27.130 --> 0:12:29.490 right next to our classroom that was just a single 0:12:29.530 --> 0:12:33.290 flight and closed by doors on each side. It was 0:12:33.330 --> 0:12:36.330 in this room of stairs that my friends Lucia and 0:12:36.370 --> 0:12:39.210 Emily cornered Laife and told him that I liked him 0:12:39.530 --> 0:12:43.490 while I ran home and hid. Afterwards, I asked them 0:12:43.530 --> 0:12:49.010 what he said. They told me he said okay. That night, 0:12:49.170 --> 0:12:53.130 in a fit of panic and despair, I got online. 0:12:53.170 --> 0:12:56.210 I logged onto Zanga, and I wrote a veiled, angsty 0:12:56.290 --> 0:12:59.770 post about what a huge mistake I'd made. Laife saw 0:12:59.770 --> 0:13:02.210 the post as I knew he would, and he I 0:13:02.290 --> 0:13:05.730 amed my friend Karina about it. And here is where 0:13:05.770 --> 0:13:11.210 something amazing happened, because, in this conversation with Karina, Laife 0:13:11.210 --> 0:13:13.770 said he would date me. He said he thought I 0:13:13.850 --> 0:13:17.290 was cool. He was going to ask me out on 0:13:17.370 --> 0:13:22.490 Valentine's Day. Seeing couples perform how much they liked each 0:13:22.490 --> 0:13:26.050 other made me feel inferior. So I hated Valentine's Day 0:13:26.090 --> 0:13:30.290 with a showy passion. Each February fourteenth, I'd wear all 0:13:30.330 --> 0:13:33.890 black as a sign of protest. Laife's thought was that 0:13:33.970 --> 0:13:37.170 this romantic gesture might help me to reclaim the holiday. 0:13:38.090 --> 0:13:41.370 I know all this because at the time, Karina promptly 0:13:41.410 --> 0:13:44.170 copy and pasted the ims with Life into an email 0:13:44.210 --> 0:13:47.450 for me. I couldn't believe what I was reading. I 0:13:47.530 --> 0:13:52.090 was so happy. Finally, I thought, finally, the thing that 0:13:52.130 --> 0:13:55.570 only happens to other people, it's now happening to me. 0:14:01.570 --> 0:14:04.850 On Valentine's Day, I got up and my mom drove 0:14:04.930 --> 0:14:08.610 me to school. People were giving out candy and paper hearts. 0:14:09.250 --> 0:14:12.810 I tried to look nonchalant. I went to science class, 0:14:13.450 --> 0:14:18.610 I went to lunch, to recess, to math, to basketball, 0:14:19.530 --> 0:14:23.770 and then school was over and I went home. Laife 0:14:23.770 --> 0:14:26.290 did not say a single word to me all day. 0:14:27.330 --> 0:14:30.170 I have no idea what happened or why he changed 0:14:30.210 --> 0:14:30.690 his mind. 0:14:32.130 --> 0:14:35.010 Huh did you ever talk to him about it? 0:14:35.890 --> 0:14:39.210 I rehash all this on the phone with Lucia. Never 0:14:39.850 --> 0:14:43.490 did we speak directly about it, like we spoke through 0:14:43.530 --> 0:14:47.290 you and Emily, through Karina on im and like through 0:14:47.410 --> 0:14:52.970 my veiled zanga posts. Interesting and having been my best 0:14:52.970 --> 0:14:56.290 friend for all these years, Lucia into It's what I'm 0:14:56.290 --> 0:15:01.250 building up to. So you want to try to find 0:15:01.290 --> 0:15:04.850 him more? Yeah, but I'm afraid. I tried a drafting 0:15:04.890 --> 0:15:07.210 a letter, and I was like, do I just sound 0:15:07.290 --> 0:15:11.290 into safe anyway? So do you think this is completely 0:15:11.290 --> 0:15:12.010 insane to do? 0:15:12.770 --> 0:15:12.850 No? 0:15:13.370 --> 0:15:16.250 I mean, I'm sure you wrote. You're a very good 0:15:16.690 --> 0:15:19.610 writer and a thoughtful person, so I'm sure. 0:15:19.570 --> 0:15:23.690 The way you approached it was good. Since googling Life 0:15:23.730 --> 0:15:26.850 had always failed me, I turned to a public records 0:15:26.930 --> 0:15:30.010 database that I get through work. I was hoping to 0:15:30.050 --> 0:15:33.570 discover a possible mailing address for Life, and I did, 0:15:34.090 --> 0:15:36.810 looks like maybe he lives in Arizona. And I saw 0:15:36.890 --> 0:15:40.330 he had like a from twenty twenty court thing from 0:15:40.490 --> 0:15:46.690 defacing a political sign. Well, I guess you don't know 0:15:46.730 --> 0:15:51.610 which direction. I know it's a good direction. I want 0:15:51.610 --> 0:15:54.450 to talk to life directly, the way I never did 0:15:54.530 --> 0:15:57.170 back then. I want to know what he really thought 0:15:57.170 --> 0:16:00.090 of me, and why he never asked me out on 0:16:00.210 --> 0:16:05.690 Valentine's Day. All these years, I've believed this story about 0:16:05.690 --> 0:16:08.890 how people don't see me romantically. But if I can 0:16:09.290 --> 0:16:11.770 to the beginning of that story, if I can see 0:16:11.770 --> 0:16:16.330 myself differently at thirteen, it could reframe everything that came 0:16:16.450 --> 0:16:20.210 after I name dropped you in the letter name dropped 0:16:20.210 --> 0:16:22.970 me because I'm so well known well. I was like, 0:16:23.210 --> 0:16:25.730 we used to live together, but now we both live 0:16:25.810 --> 0:16:28.090 with our boyfriend, so that he wouldn't think I was 0:16:28.170 --> 0:16:32.330 like trying to date him now Highlafe, I wrote in 0:16:32.330 --> 0:16:34.810 my letter, I don't know if you remember me, but 0:16:34.970 --> 0:16:37.570 we went to Near North together. I had a huge 0:16:37.570 --> 0:16:39.930 crush on you, and I was hoping you'd be up 0:16:39.970 --> 0:16:42.650 to talk to me about what you remember from that time. 0:16:43.530 --> 0:16:46.210 I hang up the phone with Lucia and I walked 0:16:46.210 --> 0:17:07.450 to the mailbox. I send off my letter. But then 0:17:07.930 --> 0:17:11.610 several weeks to go by and nothing. Did Laife get 0:17:11.609 --> 0:17:14.689 the letter and decide to ignore me? Or do I 0:17:14.770 --> 0:17:18.810 just have the wrong address. Usually when reporting a story, 0:17:19.050 --> 0:17:21.810 I tried calling at this point, and I did find 0:17:21.810 --> 0:17:25.889 a phone number for Laife. However, the idea of dialing 0:17:25.929 --> 0:17:28.129 it makes me want to lie down in the middle 0:17:28.169 --> 0:17:32.850 of the street and simply pass away. And so, just 0:17:32.889 --> 0:17:35.770 like I did at thirteen, I recruit someone else as 0:17:35.770 --> 0:17:36.369 an envoy. 0:17:36.970 --> 0:17:39.090 And who is it? Someone else? You? 0:17:39.490 --> 0:17:40.449 Oh yeah, it's you. 0:17:40.929 --> 0:17:44.529 Okay, So I'm sort of like that whole quorum of 0:17:44.649 --> 0:17:46.850 girls all in one adult man. 0:17:47.689 --> 0:17:51.409 This is a regular host of this program, Jonathan Goldstein. 0:17:52.209 --> 0:17:54.570 I want him to call Leife on my behalf to 0:17:54.609 --> 0:17:56.730 see if Laife got the letter. I would be open 0:17:56.810 --> 0:17:57.570 to speaking with me. 0:17:58.090 --> 0:17:59.969 Yeah, no, I don't think that'll be awkward at all. 0:18:00.290 --> 0:18:03.649 Let me get my pattern down here. Hi, there was 0:18:03.689 --> 0:18:05.609 this girl. Her name was Khaleila hol. 0:18:05.689 --> 0:18:07.489 You should say Kaylee first. I think you would know 0:18:07.570 --> 0:18:08.290 me by Kaylee. 0:18:08.730 --> 0:18:11.049 Hi, I'm Kaylee Holt's boss. 0:18:12.970 --> 0:18:15.050 What you say like that? It is really weird. 0:18:15.169 --> 0:18:15.810 That is weird. 0:18:16.330 --> 0:18:19.850 No, Hi, you don't know me, but I was enlisted 0:18:19.970 --> 0:18:22.290 by an old school chum of yours. 0:18:22.490 --> 0:18:24.050 Oh, don't say school, an. 0:18:23.970 --> 0:18:26.330 Old flame, a paramore. 0:18:26.730 --> 0:18:29.730 My confidence is decreasing with every passing second. 0:18:29.889 --> 0:18:34.090 I won't embarrass you in front of your crush. 0:18:34.129 --> 0:18:36.330 Are you joking, choking on this bon bun. 0:18:37.050 --> 0:18:40.129 As my boss asphyxiates on a piece of candy. I 0:18:40.209 --> 0:18:43.330 weigh the pros and cons of just making the call myself, 0:18:44.090 --> 0:18:46.369 but in the end I make the same choice I 0:18:46.369 --> 0:18:49.570 did back then, better to send an incompetent in my 0:18:49.649 --> 0:18:59.889 stead while I hide at home. I obsess all day Thursday, 0:19:00.530 --> 0:19:04.090 I obsess all day Friday. Jonathan doesn't offer me a 0:19:04.129 --> 0:19:07.209 single update. I can't even tell if he's made the 0:19:07.250 --> 0:19:11.009 call yet. Than the week begins and I still have 0:19:11.090 --> 0:19:15.490 no idea what he's done. Okay, but whatever you did 0:19:15.530 --> 0:19:20.209 do it worked because Friday night checked my email and 0:19:20.250 --> 0:19:22.570 I had an email from Laife saying that he would 0:19:22.570 --> 0:19:23.009 talk to me. 0:19:28.530 --> 0:19:28.970 Wow. 0:19:29.169 --> 0:19:34.529 Okay, well, let me just say I am almost one 0:19:34.609 --> 0:19:37.129 hundred percent certain that I had nothing to do with that. 0:19:38.090 --> 0:19:39.929 Well really, because it happens that day. 0:19:40.570 --> 0:19:41.890 Yeah, it is suggestive. 0:19:42.889 --> 0:19:46.529 Jonathan tells me that he had indeed tried calling Leaife's number. 0:19:46.810 --> 0:19:48.330 Okay, here's the call. 0:19:48.409 --> 0:19:48.889 You ready? 0:19:48.929 --> 0:19:49.289 Okay? 0:19:49.449 --> 0:19:49.649 Yeah? 0:19:49.689 --> 0:19:56.490 Okay, Hello, is Laife there? 0:19:57.810 --> 0:19:58.210 Yes? 0:19:59.050 --> 0:19:59.890 Could I speak to him? 0:20:01.330 --> 0:20:01.530 Yes? 0:20:01.770 --> 0:20:02.290 This is her? 0:20:03.929 --> 0:20:04.689 This is Laife. 0:20:06.010 --> 0:20:06.210 Yes. 0:20:10.609 --> 0:20:12.209 I just want to make sure I have the right person. 0:20:12.850 --> 0:20:13.969 What is your middle name. 0:20:18.250 --> 0:20:19.209 Seek doodles. 0:20:20.490 --> 0:20:24.450 No, No, that isn't. That isn't the life that I'm 0:20:24.490 --> 0:20:25.010 looking for. 0:20:26.889 --> 0:20:28.210 I'm on a toilet rin. 0:20:28.209 --> 0:20:32.929 Though, Okay, is there anybody else in the house. 0:20:41.369 --> 0:20:44.929 In his email, Lafe proposed that we talk in nine days, 0:20:45.649 --> 0:20:49.409 which is kind of a weirdly long time. I can't 0:20:49.409 --> 0:20:52.050 help but worry that he'll bail last minute, that this 0:20:52.090 --> 0:20:55.569 will be just like Valentine's Day all over again. So 0:20:55.609 --> 0:20:59.010 in the meantime, hoping she might remember some clue about 0:20:59.010 --> 0:21:02.450 what happened back then, I text my old friend Karina, 0:21:03.050 --> 0:21:05.529 the one who broke her this whole Valentine's plan with 0:21:05.649 --> 0:21:07.010 life on I AM. 0:21:07.290 --> 0:21:10.569 When you texted me that it was you, I was like, 0:21:11.250 --> 0:21:13.530 oh my gosh, Like, did something. 0:21:13.330 --> 0:21:16.770 Happen she calling me to say that miss Bergen died, 0:21:17.770 --> 0:21:21.369 Miss Bergen being our longtime principal, which. 0:21:21.129 --> 0:21:23.249 She did, by the way, he didn't I didn't hear that. 0:21:23.570 --> 0:21:32.289 Yeah, may she. I felt deranged, texting Karina that I 0:21:32.290 --> 0:21:35.250 wanted to speak with her about life a random kid 0:21:35.290 --> 0:21:39.649 from her eighth grade class. But Karina responded, I legitimately 0:21:39.689 --> 0:21:42.929 thought about you in life last week, So, just like 0:21:42.970 --> 0:21:45.489 we used to in junior high, the two of us 0:21:45.570 --> 0:21:48.209 chat on the phone about a boy and then he 0:21:48.609 --> 0:21:50.770 I am you shut up? 0:21:50.850 --> 0:21:52.689 Did I send you the conversation? 0:21:52.929 --> 0:22:00.450 Yes? So then I and buried in an old AOL account, 0:22:01.050 --> 0:22:04.330 I find that email from Karina with the whole conversation 0:22:04.609 --> 0:22:06.609 between her and Life laid out. 0:22:07.090 --> 0:22:09.010 I would like, absolutely love to see it. 0:22:09.209 --> 0:22:11.090 Let me send it to you. I will. Life screen 0:22:11.169 --> 0:22:15.490 name was chaotic detortion, which I think is just chaotic 0:22:15.530 --> 0:22:16.889 distortion spelled wrong. 0:22:17.129 --> 0:22:19.969 Okay, let me read this okay at ten seventy pm. 0:22:20.090 --> 0:22:24.690 Nice and as Karina reads, here for you, dear listener 0:22:25.129 --> 0:22:28.449 is a dramatic recreation of that I Am exchange, with 0:22:28.570 --> 0:22:33.170 two young actors playing the roles of Karina and Life. 0:22:35.570 --> 0:22:40.609 Hey, Hey, Life, what's up? Kayley's talking about what I think? 0:22:40.649 --> 0:22:40.969 She is? 0:22:41.050 --> 0:22:41.570 Right on? 0:22:41.810 --> 0:22:49.250 Zanga, hold on, let me see Kaylee likes me, right, Did. 0:22:49.209 --> 0:22:50.810 Lucia and Emily tell you something? 0:22:51.850 --> 0:22:56.449 Yeah? After school the other day? Yeah, she does well. 0:22:56.770 --> 0:23:00.970 If she comes on, will you tell her something? Yeah? 0:23:01.369 --> 0:23:03.690 If she comes on, tell her that I'll go out 0:23:03.730 --> 0:23:04.050 with her. 0:23:04.409 --> 0:23:06.569 But my health is always screwed with my life, so 0:23:06.609 --> 0:23:08.090 I'm probably not going to be able to be one 0:23:08.169 --> 0:23:10.130 hundred percent boyfrid material. 0:23:12.970 --> 0:23:15.010 Laithe had some sort of illness the whole time I 0:23:15.090 --> 0:23:17.489 knew him, but I never knew how sick he was 0:23:18.010 --> 0:23:21.090 or what he was even sick with. He sometimes had 0:23:21.090 --> 0:23:24.209 to leave school early, he was on crutches for a while, 0:23:24.570 --> 0:23:27.609 and there were days when he just looked frail. But 0:23:27.649 --> 0:23:32.050 at thirteen, we didn't think to ask any questions. Back then, 0:23:32.649 --> 0:23:35.009 Karina just thought it was sweet he was considering his 0:23:35.090 --> 0:23:37.729 health in his role as my future boyfriend. 0:23:39.490 --> 0:23:42.249 All but do you like her? 0:23:43.050 --> 0:23:44.090 This is kind of awkward. 0:23:46.050 --> 0:23:53.410 Yeah, all these years later and that, yeah, I makes 0:23:53.530 --> 0:23:57.490 my heart start pounding. I was wrong, I think see 0:23:57.570 --> 0:24:01.570 I was wrong. He liked me, he said he liked me. 0:24:02.810 --> 0:24:07.649