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Speaker 1: Hey, this is Anny and Samantha. Welcome to stuff I

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Speaker 1: ever told your protection by heart radio.

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Speaker 2: And welcome to another happy hour. If you are partaking

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Speaker 2: in drinks or whatever you are doing at this moment,

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Speaker 2: do it with caution slash care, slash self preservation and responsibly. Obviously,

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Speaker 2: if we speak of anything such as a brand or

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Speaker 2: a name, not necessarily a sponsor. Who knows maybe one day,

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Speaker 2: maybe not, Maybe we're calling them out and they'll never

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Speaker 2: ask us to be there.

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Speaker 1: It's not currently a sponsor, and if they were, we

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Speaker 1: would say it because we would get sued so right,

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Speaker 1: and we would.

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Speaker 2: Get fined and we don't get paid enough little the

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Speaker 2: company might be okay, we are not. But anyway, outside

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Speaker 2: of that, Annie, are you getting something right now?

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Speaker 1: Red wine?

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Speaker 2: Red wine?

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Speaker 1: No cider today, No, I'm done with the cider. The

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Speaker 1: cider is officially gone. Yeah, it was a nice mot plastic.

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Speaker 2: But it was nice fib plastide. I am sticking with

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Speaker 2: water today because I am already sleepy, like at thin.

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Speaker 2: It's just a constant thing of me being sleepy. We've

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Speaker 2: already talked about this and today's happy hour. It's just

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Speaker 2: gonna be a gin wine. So I really should have

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Speaker 2: had a wine. So it's gonna be a bigin water

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Speaker 2: for me some wine as you listen. Okay, but there's

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Speaker 2: several things update. First and foremost, Peaches has gotten her

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Speaker 2: stitches removed and she's doing very well. We got her

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Speaker 2: test result back for her giant mass and it is

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Speaker 2: nothing more than like fatty tissues essentially that just doesn't

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Speaker 2: spread necessarily, just you know, grows in the spot area,

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Speaker 2: kind of the best case scenario. So that's the good news.

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Speaker 1: She was a bit of a.

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Speaker 2: Mess because we went this morning actually to get this

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Speaker 2: morning being the day we record, which is November sixteenth,

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Speaker 2: to get her stitches removed, and she was a mess.

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Speaker 2: That was the whole thing. But she didn't have to

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Speaker 2: be sedated. That was the good news. And she got

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Speaker 2: it done. She's home and she's happy, ish happy, and

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Speaker 2: she's definitely not like the most happy because you're like,

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Speaker 2: what the hell is that taste the bed like tries

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Speaker 2: to run out the door every time, but she she

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Speaker 2: did it, so she was okay, not good, but okay.

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Speaker 2: That so that's well. Game, y'all. This game that I

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Speaker 2: talked about previously, that I whined about, I just got

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Speaker 2: scammed for the first time, and I'm very it made

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Speaker 2: me sad. It's like physically made me sad that it

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Speaker 2: still kind of affects my mood right now. I'd be

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Speaker 2: high anxious right now. But I was just like, I

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Speaker 2: almost like I looked at my partner, I was like

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Speaker 2: that that made me so sad, to the point that

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Speaker 2: he kind of got concerned, Yeah, are you are you

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Speaker 2: going to be okay? They're not nice people in this place.

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Speaker 2: It's just a game. I don't understand. It's okay. I'm fine,

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Speaker 2: I'm fine. I just I wanted to kind of take

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Speaker 2: a moment about that. But HM, with that high anxiety

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Speaker 2: is stressed. Like I've noticed, as we talked about previously

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Speaker 2: on one of your happy hours, that lingering anxiety that

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Speaker 2: carries over where you start overthinking and then it just

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Speaker 2: affects everything else, Like I did all of these things wrong,

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Speaker 2: and then you start like really analyzing about all the

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Speaker 2: bad things that you've done in life and or recently,

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Speaker 2: and or things falling apart, and then predicting everything's going

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Speaker 2: to fall apart. That's kind of where I am. And

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Speaker 2: it happened immediately after the time change. Immediately it was

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Speaker 2: so immediate, like the darkness, it felt like it fell

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Speaker 2: on my soul. Annie, it fell on my soul. Okay,

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Speaker 2: I was at least distracted for a second by all

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Speaker 2: these different things, like you know, the surgery, which like

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Speaker 2: at least I was busy, and I'm still kind of

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Speaker 2: busy because we're planning to travel to Charleston to see

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Speaker 2: my partner's family for Thanksgiving. We're switching it up this

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Speaker 2: year and doing Thanksgiving with his family Chris with mine,

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Speaker 2: which all this this has become a thing, and it's

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Speaker 2: really really stressful because you don't want to hurt anybody's feelings.

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Speaker 2: You want to be where you're more comfortable, but then

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Speaker 2: you have obligations so you don't neglect somebody. My family

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Speaker 2: I've talked about previously that my brother got remarried to

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Speaker 2: a woman who is very nice. They're very happy, but

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Speaker 2: they have five additional kids. They are all under the

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Speaker 2: age of twelve, and that's a lot. That's a lot

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Speaker 2: to add to a household that already has a lot

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Speaker 2: of children. And then we're talking about how to buy

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Speaker 2: presents because you know immediately it's about the commercial aspect

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Speaker 2: of it all, and at the same time, I'm like,

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Speaker 2: I would love I want these children who I don't

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Speaker 2: know really well I met once to have a great

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Speaker 2: Christmas and have a great experience. And part of that

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Speaker 2: is opening gifts, and because there are so many like

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Speaker 2: our households, like maybe we shouldn't they should draw names,

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Speaker 2: you know, which is fair and all that. But then

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Speaker 2: like my older nieces and nephew, and I thought I

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Speaker 2: was swore I would never be this person because I

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Speaker 2: watched these k drabas and I'm like, why would you

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Speaker 2: treat any of them differently, like the step children or

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Speaker 2: the step nieces or they're the ones that are like

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Speaker 2: I didn't see growing up or any of that that

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Speaker 2: I would treat them the same. But I kind of don't.

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Speaker 2: And I realized, I'm like, wow, that's not that's not

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Speaker 2: necessarily nice. But the part of the thing is like

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Speaker 2: I never got to give gifts to the nieces and

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Speaker 2: nephew that I did see grow up. I didn't make

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Speaker 2: enough money to give them like the gifts that I

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Speaker 2: would love to have given until just recently and now

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Speaker 2: they're all like graduating from high school and grown. But

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Speaker 2: I'm like, I now have the opportunity to give you something.

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Speaker 2: And I remember immediately between high school and college and

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Speaker 2: right after college being completely broke, I mean up until

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Speaker 2: like two years ago, being completely broke, you know, like

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Speaker 2: and having hoping that my aunt or my uncle or

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Speaker 2: someone would give me the extra twenty bucks for Christmas

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Speaker 2: so that I could, you know, afford to do some

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Speaker 2: things or maybe even help pay the bills, and so like,

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Speaker 2: I really feel that, and I want to give that

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Speaker 2: to them, but then I feel like it's unfair for

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Speaker 2: me to give them that and then not give the

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Speaker 2: young young children who are just coming into the family

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Speaker 2: who they are family now, But I still can't quite

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Speaker 2: grasp that because I have not seen them. I can't

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Speaker 2: remember their names, Like that's like I'm going to have

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Speaker 2: to ask somebody my family what their names are again.

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Speaker 2: And my older brother got married several years ago, so

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Speaker 2: many years ago, and she had two children who now

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Speaker 2: they are married and that they have kids, I can't

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Speaker 2: remember nerve of their names either. There's so much that

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Speaker 2: I'm like, you know, the level of like trying to

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Speaker 2: keep up, and I hate that level, Like I feel

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Speaker 2: like I have I have favorite testing them. I'm not

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Speaker 2: trying to favor anymore. Just like I just know these

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Speaker 2: four versus the rest of them, which I moved away

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Speaker 2: and don't see except for family occasions. And because I'm

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Speaker 2: very uncomfortable because of our differences and being adopted and

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Speaker 2: all these different things that it is just awkward that

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Speaker 2: I don't know what to do about all of it.

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Speaker 2: So these levels of stress, and then we got the

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Speaker 2: other side where you know my partner and it's just

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Speaker 2: his two other siblings. There's no additions. Neither one of

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Speaker 2: them are married, neither one of them currently are in

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Speaker 2: a relationship. Maybe they are not that not that I

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Speaker 2: know of. I'm the kind of like for all you know,

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Speaker 2: intend and purposes, the in law I guess that let

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Speaker 2: that's come along that celebrates with them. He is the

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Speaker 2: oldest my partner, so I'm even older than him. But

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Speaker 2: all of that to say is like I'm the first

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Speaker 2: to be a part of the family traditions with them,

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Speaker 2: and they do a good job because the parents are

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Speaker 2: actually divorced. His parents are divorced, but they agreed a

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Speaker 2: little while ago that they could do holidays together so

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Speaker 2: they don't have to separate it. So that's lovely to

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Speaker 2: see and it's more enjoyable and more relaxing and less

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Speaker 2: stressful to me obviously, So this level of like, Okay,

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Speaker 2: we have to split these, we have to see where

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Speaker 2: we want to go. I can't neglect my family, my

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Speaker 2: own family, even though oliviously I wish I could avoid it.

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Speaker 2: I hope none of my family listens to this. But

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Speaker 2: all of that on top of I just never liked

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Speaker 2: the holidays. It wasn't a thing to me growing until

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Speaker 2: I came into the US, So I found that odd.

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Speaker 2: I found that level of like I was excited, but

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Speaker 2: at the same time like thinking that it would go

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Speaker 2: away at any moment, as well as the fact that

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Speaker 2: in comparison to what other kids had, it was like

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Speaker 2: my parents did an amazing job, don't get me wrong,

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Speaker 2: and making it amazing, but like, you know, the differences

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Speaker 2: with the kids who were probably less happy but with

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Speaker 2: more stuff felt different, like the differences growing up and

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Speaker 2: trying to figure out what the was why didn't this

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Speaker 2: exist before when I was really having a hard time

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Speaker 2: and never had choice to begin with, to this to

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Speaker 2: like trying to sustain some semblance of sanity with around

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Speaker 2: my family as we disagreed or argued or whatever whatnot,

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Speaker 2: whether it was because I wasn't married, or whether because

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Speaker 2: you know, I was too liberal or all these things,

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Speaker 2: or at one point I was too religious. Like it

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Speaker 2: was just constant, and now to this being adulthood and

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Speaker 2: being nice to each other, but at the same time

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Speaker 2: navigating new family members and trying to be kind and

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Speaker 2: considered on one and not hurting anybody's feelings. It's a mess.

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Speaker 2: And I'm not even in charge of anything. And We've

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Speaker 2: talked about that previously obviously a few times. So right now,

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Speaker 2: like everything fells like chaos, I feel like I'm saying,

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Speaker 2: but at the same time also very sad and sleepy

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Speaker 2: and busy, and we're trying to get so much done

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Speaker 2: a peck behind the curtains in such a small amount

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Speaker 2: of time. So we can have days off when when

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Speaker 2: I say days off, just not recording or not researching

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Speaker 2: and just being somewhere or like I will be yet

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Speaker 2: driving six hours one way, you know, so twelve hours

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Speaker 2: of that time is just traveling. So all of that

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Speaker 2: it's a lot, and I'm trying to navigate that space again,

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Speaker 2: And I know we talk about this every year, but

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Speaker 2: it just is a constant, It's a constant battle. And

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Speaker 2: then you know, as we keep as I keep getting older,

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Speaker 2: I feel I feel like disappointed. I feel disappointed that

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Speaker 2: it's not more settled. Does that make sense?

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Speaker 1: Yeah, yeah, I know. We talked about this recently, I

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Speaker 1: think in my Life Day episode. But there's when you're

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Speaker 1: a kid, you know there's stress around all this stuff, certainly,

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Speaker 1: but when you get older, you're like, oh God, this

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Speaker 1: is the holidays. Move from like oh fun time to

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Speaker 1: oh God. And then I feel like everyone is acknowledging

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Speaker 1: now in commercials even that it's so stressful, and it

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Speaker 1: feels like and I've been thinking about this recently with

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Speaker 1: the pandemic and how because I'm going to be wearing

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Speaker 1: the same sweater I wear every year on Life Day

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Speaker 1: tomorrow and I'm going to be doing the same thing.

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Speaker 1: And I was like, I kept feeling about the pandemic,

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Speaker 1: Well in the next year, this will get better, well

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Speaker 1: in the next year, this will get better well in

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Speaker 1: the next year, and then things just don't feel like

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Speaker 1: they're getting better at all, not just in the pandemic

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Speaker 1: but generally. And I feel that too, of like I

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Speaker 1: was hoping that one day because my my family, I'm

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Speaker 1: very lucky that we agree politically on most things, but

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Speaker 1: somehow we still fight. Somehow we still fight. And I

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Speaker 1: love seeing my mom and I love hanging out with

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Speaker 1: my mom. And it's really nice too. She has like

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Speaker 1: a really nice yard and I just like sitting outside

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Speaker 1: and it's nice. I don't have that here. But it's

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Speaker 1: all so true. And I was trying to look into

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Speaker 1: this the other day that, like I just I have

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Speaker 1: many great memories there, but I have many bad memories there.

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Speaker 1: So it's like, right, I wish I too, had been

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Speaker 1: hoping for a point when that wouldn't be like, maybe

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Speaker 1: it was still there, but it wouldn't be the thing

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Speaker 1: that I'm like as weeks ahead of time about that

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Speaker 1: it would have kind of eased up a little bit

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Speaker 1: or something.

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Speaker 2: Yeah, at what point does it feel like you were

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Speaker 2: coming into that friendly Folger's commercial hug to your family?

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Speaker 2: When does that happen? And you know, I have to

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Speaker 2: recognize on top of this, with all of the things

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Speaker 2: that are happening around the world, the guilt slash the

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Speaker 2: privilege in this conversation of seeing family, of going traveling,

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Speaker 2: of being able to free to move, being alive, of

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Speaker 2: being in somewhat peace situation that it's hard to understand

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Speaker 2: what's happening and how trivial what we're talking about, and

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Speaker 2: feeling guilty for that too, Like I don't we should.

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Speaker 2: I mean, let's just be very clear. That is humanity.

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Speaker 2: That's what you, as a human, as a person, as

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Speaker 2: someone with feeling should feel. I know that's not odd

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Speaker 2: as we talk about self care or self care, but

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Speaker 2: at the same time, you can't. You can't let go

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Speaker 2: of that because that is inhumane to be able to

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Speaker 2: do that. There are something if you think that that's

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Speaker 2: not easy, you should reconsider what you're paying attention to.

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Speaker 2: I think that's the best way to say it. Don't

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Speaker 2: get me wrong, I'm the same. While I'm not saying despair,

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Speaker 2: I'm not saying, you know, harm yourself in any way.

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Speaker 2: But we have to recognize that that's still going on

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Speaker 2: and things are happening, as well as the fact that

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Speaker 2: Thanksgiving is racist just racist. Like I'm like, we should

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Speaker 2: not do this, but at the same time, like, there's

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Speaker 2: a piece that we have to hold with family, and

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Speaker 2: we do want to see family. These are the opportunities.

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Speaker 2: You know. My partner's sister is a teacher. She gets

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Speaker 2: to tam off she gets to see our family and

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Speaker 2: they are very close and they want to see each other.

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Speaker 2: Like things like that, Like that exists, and it's this

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Speaker 2: institution is upheld by a racist situation. So we have

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Speaker 2: to acknowledge that in what we're doing, it's racist, like

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Speaker 2: going to acknowledge it. There's this conversation about what best

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Speaker 2: to do. The twenty third will be the national Day

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Speaker 2: of Morning. I believe there's like things that you could read,

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Speaker 2: things that you can watch to at least acknowledge and

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Speaker 2: to educate yourself, educate ourselves on that. So there's that level.

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Speaker 2: So there's so many levels to this of like you

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Speaker 2: can't not face it. Pretending like it doesn't exist is

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Speaker 2: not helping anyone. Is there a way to as an

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Speaker 2: individual solve it? I don't know, you know, Like there's

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Speaker 2: so many things that we could help, we could help do.

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Speaker 2: We talked about like one of the biggest things is witnessing.

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Speaker 2: Witnessing and acknowledging that it's happening. That has to be

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Speaker 2: something that we do as well, so we don't forget. Also,

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Speaker 2: so we don't allow for propaganda to overtake what is

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Speaker 2: actually happening. There are so many things y'all that it

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Speaker 2: just feels heavy. It feels so heavy, And I think

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Speaker 2: that's part of my problem is acknowledging and understanding some

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Speaker 2: of that heaviness coming from literally orphanage to this will

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Speaker 2: never leave me, which is why I always feel guilty

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Speaker 2: that I'm not grateful for something and then I'm not

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Speaker 2: contributing to something on a bigger scale, Like at least

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Speaker 2: when I was doing social work, I felt like I

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Speaker 2: was sacrificing a bit of my physical and mental health

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Speaker 2: for something and it felt right, but looking back on it,

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Speaker 2: like it was still the wrong way, Like it was

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Speaker 2: still the wrong way. Like it just like I feel

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Speaker 2: like I fed into a system that did not help.

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Speaker 2: I may have helped individual families because I was able

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Speaker 2: to at least stop the system for them and some

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Speaker 2: of the kids, but I also upheld some of the

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Speaker 2: systems for kids because I didn't know what else to do. Like,

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Speaker 2: it's just there's so much to this that like it

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Speaker 2: just feels like the added guilt of like I should

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Speaker 2: not be able to I should not be doing this

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Speaker 2: because it does uphold a racist system. But at the

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Speaker 2: same time, like what battles do I choose and how

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Speaker 2: do I acknowledge it, and all of that feels so heavy.

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Speaker 2: And I say this again in a privileged situation where

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Speaker 2: I'm sitting in a booth talking into a computer getting paid,

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Speaker 2: you know, like there are so many things to that

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Speaker 2: that I'm like, I know, I know. This is outside

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Speaker 2: of like where you see people literally setting themselves on

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Speaker 2: fire to try to bring attention to a conflict that

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Speaker 2: is happening around the world. The genocide that is happening

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Speaker 2: around the world, the constant wars and battles and death

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Speaker 2: and sickness and like all those things, and that's even

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Speaker 2: happening in our backyards. The shootings, the deaths, the women

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Speaker 2: being denied access, all of these things. There's so much

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Speaker 2: that it feels overwhelming, Like as I'm talking to you,

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Speaker 2: like I'm overwhelmed, you know, there's so many things that

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Speaker 2: it just feels hard mm hmm. And at the same time,

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Speaker 2: I know it's supposed to be mm hmmm. So where

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Speaker 2: is that balance, you know, And and that's I don't

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Speaker 2: think that's never going to be really figured out without

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Speaker 2: also trying not to be the woe of the world

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Speaker 2: type of person. That is just it's a lot, it's

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Speaker 2: a lot, and for the holidays, I feel like it

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Speaker 2: gets compacted into even more.

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Speaker 1: It does. I think it does because there's a pressure

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Speaker 1: for a lot of people. You're supposed to it's supposed

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Speaker 1: to be like a good time, but then you put

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Speaker 1: that pressure on there and then it's like and you

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Speaker 1: don't see these people all the time, or at least

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Speaker 1: in my case, I have other I'm always interested when

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Speaker 1: I talk to friends where it's not this situation for them,

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Speaker 1: and I think part of it is they just see

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Speaker 1: their family a lot, so it's a much more like

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Speaker 1: she just have a slightly bigger meal than we normally

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Speaker 1: would have, right, But it really is. I think there's

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Speaker 1: a lot of stuff around why it is stressful for

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Speaker 1: so many people. And I will say for me, my mom,

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Speaker 1: it's fine, she has COVID. Supposedly we'll be fine by then,

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Speaker 1: I guess hopefully. But my little brother, my older brother

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Speaker 1: got in a fight, so he's not coming, which is fine,

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Speaker 1: Like I mean, it's not great, but it's like it's

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Speaker 1: just gonna be the thing hanging over it is like

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Speaker 1: he's not there, you know what I mean. Like it's

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Speaker 1: it's not that I'm like upset, Yeah, I'm sad I

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Speaker 1: won't see him, but it's not like I'm like, oh God,

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Speaker 1: but it's just gonna be hanging over the whole thing, right,

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Speaker 1: And I think a lot of people have situations like

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Speaker 1: that in their families.

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Speaker 2: Yeah right, I mean I think there are definitely in

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Speaker 2: similar situations as us, especially as myself, about the conflict

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Speaker 2: between our families, trying to really navigate this time to

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Speaker 2: being conscientious. Like, being conscientious is the key of all

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Speaker 2: of this. I'm not telling you to be crying all

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Speaker 2: the time about it, but again, like there's this awareness

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Speaker 2: that we have to be fully fully awake too, and

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Speaker 2: I think that's also that level. I am not fund

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Speaker 2: at parties, We'll just say that, so don't invite me.

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Speaker 2: But yeah, I think there's a lot to be that,

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Speaker 2: And you know, I do want to say I am

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Speaker 2: thankful for so many things. But again, like this holiday

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Speaker 2: that we're as you're listening, if you're listening on the

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Speaker 2: day that this is released, it's racist. So trying not

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Speaker 2: to acknowledge that is is not the answer either. So

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Speaker 2: all these things, we will tell you this, I'm very

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Speaker 2: very thankful that we do have this platform, very grateful

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Speaker 2: that we have listeners who understand this conversation and understand

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Speaker 2: it to the core, and we want to acknowledge that

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Speaker 2: there's so much privilege in everything that we've talked about

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Speaker 2: and to the point that it gets tiresome. We know,

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Speaker 2: we know, we know. But for those who are struggling,

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Speaker 2: we also see you. I think that's that's the biggest

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Speaker 2: key to this is that we see you and we

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Speaker 2: won't stop talking about it. And if we seem like

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Speaker 2: we're lacking in something, please let us know, because we'd never, ever, ever,

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Speaker 2: ever want to be the hosts that can't see beyond

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Speaker 2: our own experiences. That would be the biggest I think,

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Speaker 2: like straw on the back for me, you'll be like, okay,

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Speaker 2: let's send a quip. I quit everything is if that

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Speaker 2: was the case that we can't or we don't acknowledge,

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Speaker 2: or we don't talk about or ignore the bigger conversations

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Speaker 2: or some of the things that we might not feel

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Speaker 2: today ourselves in our small corner over here, but the

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Speaker 2: fact that we we are witnessing and we are witnessed

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Speaker 2: to what is happening.

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Speaker 1: Yes, well, cheers.

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Speaker 2: I'm sorry, cheers, this wipe and.

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Speaker 1: Wine, that's all right. It's you know, unnecessary. You know,

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Speaker 1: I haven't I haven't spoken to my mom about the

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Speaker 1: book yet, but I can update. She did say. She

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Speaker 1: did say that she learned a lot about intersectional feminism

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Speaker 1: from it. So I think I love it. I think that,

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Speaker 1: you know, it's good to know that we're still reaching

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Speaker 1: people and still hopefully doing something. Yes, as well, listeners,

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Speaker 1: whatever you're doing, we hope that you're well and as always,

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Speaker 1: we would love to hear from you. You can emails

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Speaker 1: at Stephanie and mom Stuff at iHeartMedia dot com. You

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Speaker 1: can find us on Twitter at mom Stuff podcast, or

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Speaker 1: on Instagram and TikTok at stuff When Never Told You.

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Speaker 1: We have a tea public store, and yes, we do

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Speaker 1: have a book that you can get wherever you get

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Speaker 1: your books. Thank you too, our super producer Christina, our

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Speaker 1: executive producer Maya, and our contributor Joey. Thank you and

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Speaker 1: thanks to you for listening. Stephan Never Told You is

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Speaker 1: a production by Heart Radio. For more podcasts or my

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Speaker 1: heart Radio, you can check out the heart Radio app,

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Speaker 1: Apple Podcasts, or where you listen to your favorite shows.