1 00:00:02,120 --> 00:00:06,200 Speaker 1: Hey, guys, welcome to Tommy Talk. And today's topic is 2 00:00:06,519 --> 00:00:08,960 Speaker 1: a little bit different of a topic for me, but 3 00:00:09,800 --> 00:00:12,200 Speaker 1: it's something I've been kind of toying with for a while. 4 00:00:12,400 --> 00:00:16,560 Speaker 1: And the theme of this conversation is I started praying again, 5 00:00:17,840 --> 00:00:21,520 Speaker 1: so I guess I should bring it back. So I 6 00:00:21,600 --> 00:00:25,000 Speaker 1: grew up as a Catholic, and I grew up in 7 00:00:25,040 --> 00:00:27,720 Speaker 1: a pretty religious family out in New Jersey. We'll go 8 00:00:27,720 --> 00:00:33,279 Speaker 1: to church every Sunday, taught Sunday school. My family put 9 00:00:33,320 --> 00:00:35,440 Speaker 1: me in that, so my sister and I taught Sunday school. 10 00:00:35,479 --> 00:00:39,839 Speaker 1: I even served in the church like Masses, and I 11 00:00:39,920 --> 00:00:41,720 Speaker 1: was in it. I was really in it. If I'm 12 00:00:41,760 --> 00:00:44,760 Speaker 1: being totally truthful, I never felt totally comfortable in the 13 00:00:44,880 --> 00:00:46,800 Speaker 1: church I grew up in. It felt like it was 14 00:00:46,800 --> 00:00:49,000 Speaker 1: a lot of doom and gloom. It felt dark. It 15 00:00:49,040 --> 00:00:51,760 Speaker 1: felt like the message was if you're any sort of other, 16 00:00:51,920 --> 00:00:55,880 Speaker 1: you're not welcomed or accepted. I never felt comfortable being there. 17 00:00:55,880 --> 00:01:00,040 Speaker 1: It just wasn't for me. So over the years, I 18 00:01:00,080 --> 00:01:04,200 Speaker 1: separated myself from that institution. But I always had faith. 19 00:01:04,240 --> 00:01:06,680 Speaker 1: I always believed in something bigger than me, even when 20 00:01:06,720 --> 00:01:09,280 Speaker 1: I didn't know what exactly it is or it was 21 00:01:09,840 --> 00:01:11,520 Speaker 1: I knew there was more to life than just me. 22 00:01:11,840 --> 00:01:16,959 Speaker 1: That's just what I believed. And I am somebody who 23 00:01:17,959 --> 00:01:22,760 Speaker 1: is an eternal and hopeful optimist. So I liked thinking 24 00:01:22,880 --> 00:01:27,200 Speaker 1: like that, but I lost sight of the connection between 25 00:01:27,200 --> 00:01:30,279 Speaker 1: me and whatever else is out there. And I didn't 26 00:01:30,319 --> 00:01:33,160 Speaker 1: really pray for many many years. It just wasn't something 27 00:01:33,200 --> 00:01:36,120 Speaker 1: that was a part of my everyday routine. And then, 28 00:01:36,160 --> 00:01:38,560 Speaker 1: of course, growing up gay, you know, there was so 29 00:01:38,640 --> 00:01:43,240 Speaker 1: many fringe groups in religion that don't welcome you or 30 00:01:43,280 --> 00:01:45,600 Speaker 1: want you to be a part of their community. And 31 00:01:45,640 --> 00:01:49,000 Speaker 1: I say fringe because they are they're extreme, They are 32 00:01:49,040 --> 00:01:52,840 Speaker 1: a small percent, but they're loud, and that always freaked 33 00:01:52,880 --> 00:01:55,400 Speaker 1: me out and scared me. So I stayed away from 34 00:01:55,920 --> 00:01:58,880 Speaker 1: general religion for a large part of my life for 35 00:01:58,920 --> 00:02:04,920 Speaker 1: those reasons. But then something happened with one of my friends. 36 00:02:05,320 --> 00:02:08,880 Speaker 1: And one of my friends a few years ago took 37 00:02:08,880 --> 00:02:11,440 Speaker 1: her own life, and it was traumatic, it was awful, 38 00:02:11,720 --> 00:02:14,800 Speaker 1: and man, I can remember that phone call the morning 39 00:02:14,800 --> 00:02:18,120 Speaker 1: it happened. Nothing prepares you for that, Nothing prepares you 40 00:02:18,200 --> 00:02:23,840 Speaker 1: for that. And I found myself really struggling after to 41 00:02:23,840 --> 00:02:28,360 Speaker 1: to be happy. I was so upset. I slipped into 42 00:02:28,400 --> 00:02:30,720 Speaker 1: a really dark frame of mind. It was very hard 43 00:02:30,720 --> 00:02:32,639 Speaker 1: for me to wrap my head around how anyone can 44 00:02:32,680 --> 00:02:34,799 Speaker 1: do this and why such a bright light would do this. 45 00:02:35,639 --> 00:02:39,040 Speaker 1: And mostly I just felt so sad that I couldn't 46 00:02:39,080 --> 00:02:42,359 Speaker 1: help this person, that I couldn't save this person, which 47 00:02:42,440 --> 00:02:46,200 Speaker 1: I now know that nothing I said or done would 48 00:02:46,240 --> 00:02:49,359 Speaker 1: have saved this person. This was what this person wanted 49 00:02:49,400 --> 00:02:51,920 Speaker 1: to do and nothing was going to stop them. But 50 00:02:52,160 --> 00:02:55,760 Speaker 1: I kept beating myself up for it, and it really 51 00:02:55,800 --> 00:02:59,400 Speaker 1: started weighing on me, like, God, if only I did 52 00:02:59,480 --> 00:03:01,600 Speaker 1: this or said this, or could I have changed anything 53 00:03:01,639 --> 00:03:04,799 Speaker 1: to maybe help and I just fell into this really 54 00:03:04,919 --> 00:03:07,919 Speaker 1: dark frame of mind. So this is going to get 55 00:03:07,919 --> 00:03:10,480 Speaker 1: a little woo wooie. But I then had a reading 56 00:03:10,520 --> 00:03:14,640 Speaker 1: with this amazing psychic medium and intuitive and she's like 57 00:03:14,680 --> 00:03:16,359 Speaker 1: top of the top, you can't get in with her. 58 00:03:16,880 --> 00:03:20,440 Speaker 1: I had somebody get me in with her, and you know, 59 00:03:20,560 --> 00:03:23,280 Speaker 1: it was this beautiful reading connecting me to the other side. 60 00:03:23,960 --> 00:03:26,200 Speaker 1: And I'm going to keep the reading personal because it's 61 00:03:26,200 --> 00:03:30,840 Speaker 1: a very personal thing. But I went through this feeling 62 00:03:31,040 --> 00:03:38,240 Speaker 1: a renewed sense of spirituality and connection to a world 63 00:03:38,320 --> 00:03:42,240 Speaker 1: that's not this, and that idea of feeling like there's 64 00:03:42,280 --> 00:03:45,360 Speaker 1: something out there bigger than me really came back in 65 00:03:45,480 --> 00:03:49,160 Speaker 1: full force. And I never again, I never not I 66 00:03:49,200 --> 00:03:51,640 Speaker 1: never stopped believing that. It's just not something that was 67 00:03:51,680 --> 00:03:53,760 Speaker 1: in the forefront of my mind. I didn't really think 68 00:03:53,760 --> 00:03:58,440 Speaker 1: about it. I just didn't so it. It. You know, 69 00:03:59,360 --> 00:04:04,080 Speaker 1: occurred to me one day that I stopped praying because 70 00:04:04,080 --> 00:04:07,960 Speaker 1: I started talking to my friend who passed and I thought, oh, 71 00:04:07,960 --> 00:04:11,000 Speaker 1: my gosh, I don't remember the last time I talked 72 00:04:11,040 --> 00:04:14,920 Speaker 1: to somebody who passed away or said prayers for somebody 73 00:04:14,920 --> 00:04:18,159 Speaker 1: who passed away. And I think a large reason for 74 00:04:18,200 --> 00:04:23,480 Speaker 1: that was because I had such a negative connotation to religion. 75 00:04:23,720 --> 00:04:26,240 Speaker 1: I just did not feeling welcomed by religion because of 76 00:04:26,279 --> 00:04:31,559 Speaker 1: who I am. So I started my own prayer practice again, 77 00:04:31,680 --> 00:04:35,320 Speaker 1: and I started talking to my friend who's no longer here, 78 00:04:36,520 --> 00:04:40,279 Speaker 1: every single day, morning and night. And that led me 79 00:04:40,400 --> 00:04:42,919 Speaker 1: to start talking to other people who have passed away, 80 00:04:43,080 --> 00:04:46,680 Speaker 1: my grandfather, my grandmother who I never met, and a 81 00:04:46,720 --> 00:04:49,760 Speaker 1: few other people on a list, and I started talking 82 00:04:49,800 --> 00:04:53,280 Speaker 1: to them and praying to them in quiet moments. And 83 00:04:53,360 --> 00:04:57,360 Speaker 1: for me, prayer means just connecting with whoever has passed 84 00:04:57,920 --> 00:05:00,400 Speaker 1: or with whatever intentions you want to set it's quiet 85 00:05:00,440 --> 00:05:03,800 Speaker 1: moments for you to tap into those things that make 86 00:05:03,880 --> 00:05:06,120 Speaker 1: you feel good or those things that you want to honor. 87 00:05:06,920 --> 00:05:12,600 Speaker 1: And I started doing that very very very often, and 88 00:05:12,720 --> 00:05:17,520 Speaker 1: I quickly realized that through praying again, I started feeling 89 00:05:17,640 --> 00:05:22,600 Speaker 1: more centered and more balanced and less sad, and so 90 00:05:22,839 --> 00:05:27,440 Speaker 1: much less sad. Hope started flooding into my life again 91 00:05:27,880 --> 00:05:31,320 Speaker 1: in ways that I never expected it to. And if 92 00:05:31,360 --> 00:05:36,039 Speaker 1: you asked me, I don't know, even fifteen years ago, 93 00:05:36,120 --> 00:05:38,839 Speaker 1: if I'm what do I believe in? Do I pray? 94 00:05:39,680 --> 00:05:42,640 Speaker 1: I would kind of just say, you know, hey, yeah, 95 00:05:42,720 --> 00:05:44,279 Speaker 1: I guess like it would be a little bit of 96 00:05:44,279 --> 00:05:48,320 Speaker 1: an unsure answer. Whereas now I can't imagine my life 97 00:05:48,320 --> 00:05:51,640 Speaker 1: without prayer. I genuinely can't imagine my life without prayer. 98 00:05:51,960 --> 00:05:54,680 Speaker 1: Life is hard. Life is hard, and this year, some 99 00:05:54,720 --> 00:05:57,360 Speaker 1: really hard things have happened that have tested me, and 100 00:05:57,400 --> 00:06:01,120 Speaker 1: I've tested people in my life that I love. And 101 00:06:01,160 --> 00:06:05,080 Speaker 1: if I didn't have that grounding ability to connect with 102 00:06:05,120 --> 00:06:08,359 Speaker 1: the things that make me feel like I am having 103 00:06:08,360 --> 00:06:11,200 Speaker 1: my own prayer time, I think I'd be a lot 104 00:06:11,279 --> 00:06:14,360 Speaker 1: more stressed in my life. So it's brought an extreme 105 00:06:14,440 --> 00:06:17,520 Speaker 1: sense of peace for me, and I feel like even 106 00:06:17,560 --> 00:06:21,120 Speaker 1: though it's hard when somebody who love passes away. I 107 00:06:21,160 --> 00:06:24,760 Speaker 1: lost my mentor last year. It's brutal. I still break 108 00:06:24,800 --> 00:06:26,919 Speaker 1: down and cry when I think about it randomly, or 109 00:06:26,920 --> 00:06:28,839 Speaker 1: something will remind me of her and it will happen. 110 00:06:29,720 --> 00:06:33,600 Speaker 1: I feel like I am connected to her and I 111 00:06:33,640 --> 00:06:36,880 Speaker 1: talk to her every day, So that connection is so important, 112 00:06:37,040 --> 00:06:40,120 Speaker 1: especially in a world where connection is measured by smartphones 113 00:06:40,160 --> 00:06:43,080 Speaker 1: and devices. This is a different type of connection that 114 00:06:43,200 --> 00:06:46,680 Speaker 1: nourishes your soul. Like my soul feels so nourished and 115 00:06:46,680 --> 00:06:49,720 Speaker 1: fulfilled when I get to have these conversations to myself, 116 00:06:50,240 --> 00:06:52,240 Speaker 1: you know, in prayer. So I think it's a really 117 00:06:52,240 --> 00:06:55,880 Speaker 1: beautiful thing. And I guess this is a conversation to 118 00:06:56,120 --> 00:06:59,520 Speaker 1: encourage you that if you don't pray, it doesn't mean 119 00:07:00,000 --> 00:07:02,520 Speaker 1: what does it mean? You have to be specifically religious, 120 00:07:02,720 --> 00:07:06,279 Speaker 1: right Like I would define myself as a very as 121 00:07:06,320 --> 00:07:08,720 Speaker 1: somebody who has a lot of faith. I wouldn't say 122 00:07:08,720 --> 00:07:11,040 Speaker 1: I'm religious. I would say I have a lot of faith, 123 00:07:11,200 --> 00:07:13,400 Speaker 1: and I do, like I said, I believe in something 124 00:07:13,400 --> 00:07:16,800 Speaker 1: bigger than me. And I think that prayer is for everybody. 125 00:07:16,800 --> 00:07:19,200 Speaker 1: I don't think it belongs to one religion, one group. 126 00:07:19,600 --> 00:07:22,800 Speaker 1: I think every single person no matter your belief, can 127 00:07:22,880 --> 00:07:25,040 Speaker 1: pray as long as you believe in something bigger than you. 128 00:07:25,680 --> 00:07:28,080 Speaker 1: So this is just a reminder that there's so many 129 00:07:29,120 --> 00:07:31,480 Speaker 1: there's so much positive to prayer. There's a lot of 130 00:07:31,520 --> 00:07:36,160 Speaker 1: healing power in prayer. There's a lot of self peace 131 00:07:36,520 --> 00:07:41,320 Speaker 1: that comes with prayer. There's a lot of honoring people 132 00:07:41,680 --> 00:07:45,560 Speaker 1: with prayer. So it's a really beautiful thing. And I 133 00:07:47,640 --> 00:07:53,560 Speaker 1: even find myself praying in moments throughout the day that 134 00:07:54,000 --> 00:07:56,320 Speaker 1: I don't really have carved or set aside to do it, 135 00:07:56,360 --> 00:07:58,080 Speaker 1: but something will come to mind and I'll say something 136 00:07:58,120 --> 00:08:00,040 Speaker 1: really quick to myself. Right, it doesn't have to be 137 00:08:00,080 --> 00:08:01,800 Speaker 1: a super formal thing, and I don't get on my 138 00:08:01,840 --> 00:08:04,239 Speaker 1: knees and pray and I just kind of sit down 139 00:08:04,320 --> 00:08:06,400 Speaker 1: and have a cup of tea in the morning and 140 00:08:06,400 --> 00:08:08,480 Speaker 1: start my prayers, or from sitting at my desk working 141 00:08:08,480 --> 00:08:11,120 Speaker 1: and something comes to mind, I'll say something and it's 142 00:08:11,240 --> 00:08:14,160 Speaker 1: just a really nice self care practice. And that's the 143 00:08:14,200 --> 00:08:16,240 Speaker 1: other thing I didn't realize is how much self care 144 00:08:16,960 --> 00:08:21,160 Speaker 1: praying really promotes, because it's like giving your soul a bath. 145 00:08:21,480 --> 00:08:24,720 Speaker 1: It really is. So if something's on your mind and 146 00:08:24,760 --> 00:08:27,760 Speaker 1: you want to talk about it, just say it. In 147 00:08:27,840 --> 00:08:30,040 Speaker 1: prayer to somebody that you want to talk to, or 148 00:08:30,120 --> 00:08:32,920 Speaker 1: just to yourself, or to the universe, or to whatever 149 00:08:33,000 --> 00:08:35,400 Speaker 1: you want to pray too. I think it's a really 150 00:08:35,440 --> 00:08:41,560 Speaker 1: beautiful thing. So I started praying again. Never thought I would. 151 00:08:41,840 --> 00:08:43,840 Speaker 1: And the day I started praying again when I lost 152 00:08:43,880 --> 00:08:46,760 Speaker 1: my friend those years ago, gosh, I would say maybe 153 00:08:46,800 --> 00:08:50,240 Speaker 1: by now it was four years ago that I really 154 00:08:50,280 --> 00:08:53,640 Speaker 1: started kind of intensely praying. It's been such a beautiful 155 00:08:53,640 --> 00:08:57,600 Speaker 1: addition to almost my wellness routine, I'll say, which is 156 00:08:57,640 --> 00:09:01,600 Speaker 1: really really great. And you know, there's a church that 157 00:09:02,080 --> 00:09:05,120 Speaker 1: my husband got confirmed. GEO got confirmed this year, so 158 00:09:05,160 --> 00:09:07,640 Speaker 1: that's been his journey and he's been really excited about it. 159 00:09:07,720 --> 00:09:11,040 Speaker 1: I'm so happy for him because he's really found something 160 00:09:11,120 --> 00:09:14,160 Speaker 1: that brings him peace. And even though I have my 161 00:09:14,280 --> 00:09:19,040 Speaker 1: upbringing with a tough relationship with religion, I can it 162 00:09:19,080 --> 00:09:22,040 Speaker 1: be more thrilled for him. And I go to church 163 00:09:22,080 --> 00:09:24,880 Speaker 1: with him because guess what, even though I don't always 164 00:09:25,000 --> 00:09:29,760 Speaker 1: relate to everything religiously, I appreciate the quiet moments of prayer, 165 00:09:29,800 --> 00:09:31,840 Speaker 1: and I like being somewhere for an hour where I 166 00:09:31,840 --> 00:09:34,040 Speaker 1: can have no phones or no devices on and just 167 00:09:34,120 --> 00:09:36,280 Speaker 1: be with my thoughts. Because you don't get a lot 168 00:09:36,280 --> 00:09:39,240 Speaker 1: of chances like that, and it's a beautiful, beautiful thing 169 00:09:39,320 --> 00:09:42,880 Speaker 1: to be able to have that moment for you. And 170 00:09:43,040 --> 00:09:45,560 Speaker 1: I'll walk in there sometimes and light a candle for 171 00:09:45,640 --> 00:09:48,680 Speaker 1: someone i've lost. Unfortunately there's been a lot of that lately, 172 00:09:49,280 --> 00:09:53,400 Speaker 1: and it's just another moment to honor someone and also 173 00:09:53,440 --> 00:09:55,480 Speaker 1: take care of myself because it makes me feel good 174 00:09:55,559 --> 00:09:58,640 Speaker 1: to do that, to feel that connection. So there's so 175 00:09:58,720 --> 00:10:01,880 Speaker 1: many ways to go about out what prayer is, what 176 00:10:01,920 --> 00:10:05,360 Speaker 1: prayer means to you, what you believe in, and that's 177 00:10:05,400 --> 00:10:07,680 Speaker 1: all for you to answer, Like it's all for you 178 00:10:07,760 --> 00:10:09,880 Speaker 1: to answer. You don't know that to anybody. And I 179 00:10:09,920 --> 00:10:11,839 Speaker 1: didn't even think this is something I would really talk 180 00:10:11,880 --> 00:10:15,840 Speaker 1: about because I don't know. It's personal, it's private. I 181 00:10:15,880 --> 00:10:21,000 Speaker 1: don't talk a lot about faith or prayer or religion 182 00:10:21,280 --> 00:10:23,480 Speaker 1: even I don't think I've ever opened up about my 183 00:10:23,600 --> 00:10:26,800 Speaker 1: experiences with religion, and trust me, there's a lot more 184 00:10:26,800 --> 00:10:29,400 Speaker 1: to share with that, but I do want to keep 185 00:10:29,520 --> 00:10:32,520 Speaker 1: some things to myself. But I think the through line 186 00:10:32,760 --> 00:10:36,280 Speaker 1: is even when you least expect it, or even if 187 00:10:36,320 --> 00:10:40,520 Speaker 1: you think you're someone that could never never practice prayer, 188 00:10:41,600 --> 00:10:44,000 Speaker 1: I don't know give it a shot, because I'm someone 189 00:10:44,040 --> 00:10:46,840 Speaker 1: that thought I would never do it again, because I 190 00:10:46,880 --> 00:10:50,640 Speaker 1: just equated it with something negative, which was not true 191 00:10:50,679 --> 00:10:55,720 Speaker 1: and it was unfair, and I'm almost sad I didn't 192 00:10:55,760 --> 00:10:59,040 Speaker 1: allow myself to have that for so many years because 193 00:10:59,200 --> 00:11:01,800 Speaker 1: finding it again and has enriched my life in the 194 00:11:01,800 --> 00:11:05,120 Speaker 1: most beautiful ways imaginable and has brought me so much 195 00:11:05,200 --> 00:11:08,880 Speaker 1: peace and so much clarity. And it's something for me. 196 00:11:09,360 --> 00:11:12,520 Speaker 1: So I hope through opening up today about my little 197 00:11:12,559 --> 00:11:15,360 Speaker 1: journey in the way that I did, it might inspire 198 00:11:15,440 --> 00:11:21,120 Speaker 1: you or make you feel seen, or maybe encourage you 199 00:11:21,200 --> 00:11:25,199 Speaker 1: to try something new if you're struggling or feeling a 200 00:11:25,280 --> 00:11:28,840 Speaker 1: darkness or feeling sad like I was when my friend passed. 201 00:11:29,160 --> 00:11:31,960 Speaker 1: Because it really has been such an awesome practice, And 202 00:11:32,440 --> 00:11:35,000 Speaker 1: I'll never stop sharing how grateful I am. And I'll 203 00:11:35,000 --> 00:11:37,360 Speaker 1: never stop sharing in prayer for the people I love 204 00:11:37,400 --> 00:11:39,199 Speaker 1: in my life, the people I've lost in my life, 205 00:11:39,920 --> 00:11:42,360 Speaker 1: and to you know, keep allowing me to be the 206 00:11:42,360 --> 00:11:45,440 Speaker 1: best version of me. So here's to doing the things 207 00:11:45,480 --> 00:11:48,120 Speaker 1: that make us feel good and staying connected in all 208 00:11:48,200 --> 00:11:55,640 Speaker 1: the ways that also make us feel good. I've never 209 00:11:55,679 --> 00:12:00,480 Speaker 1: said this before. Is hosted by me Tommy Didariocas is 210 00:12:00,520 --> 00:12:04,959 Speaker 1: executive produced by Andrew Puglisi at iHeartRadio and by me Tommy, 211 00:12:05,160 --> 00:12:09,160 Speaker 1: with editing by Joshua Colaudney. I've Never Said This Before 212 00:12:09,280 --> 00:12:12,960 Speaker 1: is part of the Elvis Duran podcast Network on iHeart Podcasts. 213 00:12:13,320 --> 00:12:16,720 Speaker 1: For more, rate, review and subscribe to our show and 214 00:12:16,800 --> 00:12:20,240 Speaker 1: if you liked this episode, tell your friends. Until next time, 215 00:12:20,400 --> 00:12:22,480 Speaker 1: I'm Tommy Diderio.