1 00:00:01,840 --> 00:00:05,400 Speaker 1: Hey there, folks. SIT's Monday, August twenty fifth, and can 2 00:00:05,440 --> 00:00:10,000 Speaker 1: you imagine ladies taking your fiance home to meet your 3 00:00:10,039 --> 00:00:12,800 Speaker 1: parents and your parents didn't even know you had a 4 00:00:12,840 --> 00:00:15,840 Speaker 1: boyfriend to begin with with that Welcome to this relationship 5 00:00:16,360 --> 00:00:18,640 Speaker 1: edition of Amy and TJ, where we go over our 6 00:00:18,680 --> 00:00:22,120 Speaker 1: ask Amy TJ column question from Marina on yahoo dot com. 7 00:00:22,120 --> 00:00:25,239 Speaker 1: You can find it in the life session section. Robes. 8 00:00:25,280 --> 00:00:31,000 Speaker 1: This is one that you almost cannot believe. Almost sounds 9 00:00:31,040 --> 00:00:33,519 Speaker 1: like something from arom com that kind of a scenario. 10 00:00:33,760 --> 00:00:36,879 Speaker 2: It actually does. Now that you pointed out this, we'll 11 00:00:36,880 --> 00:00:40,440 Speaker 2: get into her full question to us, But to sum 12 00:00:40,440 --> 00:00:43,840 Speaker 2: it up, basically, she is from a culture, she says, 13 00:00:43,920 --> 00:00:47,400 Speaker 2: where you have to have your parents' approval before you 14 00:00:47,400 --> 00:00:50,360 Speaker 2: can get married. Period. There is no wiggle room. And 15 00:00:50,440 --> 00:00:57,160 Speaker 2: so because of that notion, maybe she was worried that 16 00:00:57,320 --> 00:01:03,840 Speaker 2: maybe her partner or her romantic her boyfriend wasn't in 17 00:01:03,880 --> 00:01:05,880 Speaker 2: line with what she thinks her parents want from her. 18 00:01:05,959 --> 00:01:08,480 Speaker 2: He wasn't up to par right, or maybe he's. 19 00:01:08,520 --> 00:01:10,640 Speaker 3: It sounds like he's because she said. 20 00:01:10,440 --> 00:01:12,679 Speaker 2: He'd hear from different backgrounds, that's how she put it. 21 00:01:13,160 --> 00:01:15,680 Speaker 2: She thinks that perhaps he might not be accepted so 22 00:01:15,760 --> 00:01:19,880 Speaker 2: instead of explaining this to her parents, having them warm 23 00:01:20,000 --> 00:01:22,520 Speaker 2: up to the idea of a boyfriend or a partner 24 00:01:22,520 --> 00:01:27,120 Speaker 2: from a different culture, she just didn't tell them anything. Nothing. 25 00:01:27,160 --> 00:01:30,360 Speaker 2: But now it's getting really, really serious and at a 26 00:01:30,360 --> 00:01:33,319 Speaker 2: certain point, you're gonna have to come clean, right, So 27 00:01:33,520 --> 00:01:36,319 Speaker 2: when's the right time to do it? If she's already waited? 28 00:01:37,200 --> 00:01:40,560 Speaker 2: I believe she said more than a year, nearly a year. 29 00:01:42,040 --> 00:01:44,480 Speaker 1: Yeah, this isn't gonna go well. I mean, there's another question. 30 00:01:44,760 --> 00:01:46,760 Speaker 1: Is it would have been okay for her to let 31 00:01:46,840 --> 00:01:47,880 Speaker 1: them know she has a boyfriend. 32 00:01:49,120 --> 00:01:51,520 Speaker 2: Yes, but then I guess she knows they'll start asking questions. 33 00:01:51,720 --> 00:01:53,600 Speaker 1: No, no, But I'm saying when she first started dating 34 00:01:53,600 --> 00:01:56,840 Speaker 1: this guy month one, month, two, month three, she didn't 35 00:01:56,840 --> 00:01:59,400 Speaker 1: know she was going to marry him necessarily. Why weren't 36 00:01:59,440 --> 00:02:02,240 Speaker 1: there they aware that she was even dating somebody? 37 00:02:02,320 --> 00:02:06,000 Speaker 2: Fear absolute fear. Look, when you are raised very strictly 38 00:02:06,000 --> 00:02:09,320 Speaker 2: in a certain environment, with a very specific set of 39 00:02:09,880 --> 00:02:13,440 Speaker 2: guidelines or even you could call them restrictions, if you 40 00:02:13,440 --> 00:02:15,840 Speaker 2: go past them or beyond them, or go outside of 41 00:02:15,840 --> 00:02:20,360 Speaker 2: what is considered acceptable by your family, it's scary to 42 00:02:20,400 --> 00:02:22,360 Speaker 2: tell them, Hey, I know what you guys want from me. 43 00:02:22,440 --> 00:02:24,560 Speaker 2: I know what you guys expect of me, and the 44 00:02:24,639 --> 00:02:28,400 Speaker 2: truth is, I'm actually doing something very different. That's very 45 00:02:28,440 --> 00:02:31,240 Speaker 2: scary because no one wants to be rejected by their family. 46 00:02:31,320 --> 00:02:35,639 Speaker 2: And this woman who writes into us basically says if 47 00:02:35,680 --> 00:02:39,840 Speaker 2: her parents don't accept or approve of her partner, she 48 00:02:40,080 --> 00:02:43,600 Speaker 2: can't marry him or she would risk losing her family. 49 00:02:43,800 --> 00:02:46,880 Speaker 1: So then, when you put it that way, it seems 50 00:02:47,000 --> 00:02:50,720 Speaker 1: unfair to the fiance, even more so to me because 51 00:02:50,720 --> 00:02:56,919 Speaker 1: now her family gets to decide his fate, something that 52 00:02:57,000 --> 00:03:01,200 Speaker 1: he wants and who he gets to marry. They're not 53 00:03:01,280 --> 00:03:04,280 Speaker 1: just deciding for her. It's he's made a decision about 54 00:03:04,280 --> 00:03:05,920 Speaker 1: the person he wants to be with and it's not 55 00:03:06,080 --> 00:03:06,520 Speaker 1: up to him. 56 00:03:06,600 --> 00:03:08,560 Speaker 2: Yeah, and we don't know how much he knows or 57 00:03:08,639 --> 00:03:11,120 Speaker 2: I mean, I'm certain he knows that he hasn't met 58 00:03:11,120 --> 00:03:14,000 Speaker 2: her family, that's obvious, But does he absolutely know the 59 00:03:14,040 --> 00:03:14,640 Speaker 2: real reason? 60 00:03:14,880 --> 00:03:15,440 Speaker 3: Probably? 61 00:03:16,480 --> 00:03:19,200 Speaker 2: I wonder what that is like for him. But yes, 62 00:03:19,360 --> 00:03:23,280 Speaker 2: they're not officially fiancees yet, but she when she writes 63 00:03:23,320 --> 00:03:26,560 Speaker 2: does she's basically saying that's coming. It's about to be 64 00:03:26,680 --> 00:03:29,160 Speaker 2: the case, they're about to get engaged. 65 00:03:29,919 --> 00:03:33,280 Speaker 1: Yeah, this is seems like the rom comm scenario where 66 00:03:33,320 --> 00:03:35,960 Speaker 1: you're screaming at the TV like it's right there, all 67 00:03:36,040 --> 00:03:37,960 Speaker 1: right there in the next room. You didn't see that 68 00:03:38,160 --> 00:03:40,880 Speaker 1: help coming. It seems like it's a ridiculous scenario. You 69 00:03:40,920 --> 00:03:43,320 Speaker 1: watch for like an hour and twenty minutes before everybody 70 00:03:43,360 --> 00:03:46,440 Speaker 1: figure out what happens. Then they get upset, and then 71 00:03:46,480 --> 00:03:48,640 Speaker 1: they make up again at the end at the airport 72 00:03:48,720 --> 00:03:49,480 Speaker 1: usually right. 73 00:03:49,960 --> 00:03:53,280 Speaker 2: Yes, yeah, well, there's usually like some sort of a 74 00:03:53,320 --> 00:03:56,000 Speaker 2: false ending to the relationship because the one person is 75 00:03:56,040 --> 00:03:58,440 Speaker 2: so upset and then the other person chases them wherever 76 00:03:58,560 --> 00:04:01,600 Speaker 2: it is forward another location. 77 00:04:01,920 --> 00:04:02,720 Speaker 1: Do you think it's over? 78 00:04:02,920 --> 00:04:06,560 Speaker 2: Bah ah, just wait, Yes, we hope this one certainly 79 00:04:06,600 --> 00:04:08,920 Speaker 2: has a happy ending as well. But yet this is 80 00:04:08,920 --> 00:04:12,640 Speaker 2: basically about keeping secrets and it on one hand, On 81 00:04:12,680 --> 00:04:14,880 Speaker 2: the other hand, it's also about at what point is 82 00:04:14,880 --> 00:04:17,960 Speaker 2: it your life? And at what point do you have 83 00:04:18,040 --> 00:04:19,919 Speaker 2: to do what your family says you have to do? 84 00:04:19,960 --> 00:04:22,040 Speaker 2: I mean, is there a way? Is there a way forward? 85 00:04:22,120 --> 00:04:26,480 Speaker 2: As we get beyond just our tight knit circles that 86 00:04:26,680 --> 00:04:29,640 Speaker 2: way back when was easy to stay into a certain 87 00:04:29,680 --> 00:04:32,719 Speaker 2: tribe and stay with your kind, so to speak. But 88 00:04:32,839 --> 00:04:37,560 Speaker 2: in this vastly you know connected world, can people can 89 00:04:37,600 --> 00:04:41,520 Speaker 2: we maybe are we not giving our families more credit 90 00:04:41,600 --> 00:04:46,400 Speaker 2: for coming along with the times, being willing to evolve 91 00:04:46,520 --> 00:04:49,560 Speaker 2: from what used to work. It may not work in 92 00:04:49,560 --> 00:04:50,919 Speaker 2: today's society. 93 00:04:51,279 --> 00:04:53,279 Speaker 1: Well if it works with them, it works for that family. 94 00:04:53,320 --> 00:04:56,279 Speaker 1: This young lady is, that's her call. The amount of 95 00:04:56,279 --> 00:04:59,640 Speaker 1: power she wants to give to her family, that's up 96 00:04:59,680 --> 00:05:02,520 Speaker 1: to her. I still argue that we are all Our 97 00:05:02,560 --> 00:05:05,839 Speaker 1: families always surprise us where we think they are going 98 00:05:05,880 --> 00:05:07,920 Speaker 1: to react one way to something we do, or to 99 00:05:07,920 --> 00:05:10,760 Speaker 1: have to admit that we might do something that was disappointing. 100 00:05:10,920 --> 00:05:13,520 Speaker 1: Every time they those are the ones they are going 101 00:05:13,560 --> 00:05:15,240 Speaker 1: to put their arms around you because they love you. 102 00:05:15,320 --> 00:05:21,320 Speaker 1: So that's going to happen, undoubtedly once she comes clean 103 00:05:21,400 --> 00:05:24,200 Speaker 1: to her family. Again, I don't know the culture, we 104 00:05:24,200 --> 00:05:27,240 Speaker 1: don't know the background, but I think she'd be surprised 105 00:05:27,240 --> 00:05:30,960 Speaker 1: by our family's reaction and how disappointed must they feel 106 00:05:31,040 --> 00:05:34,559 Speaker 1: that while we've done something to make our child feel 107 00:05:34,600 --> 00:05:37,240 Speaker 1: like she can't come to us. That sucks to. 108 00:05:37,480 --> 00:05:41,360 Speaker 2: Yeah, it does, absolutely, But I do think that it's look, 109 00:05:41,480 --> 00:05:45,279 Speaker 2: we have watched and we have lived enough life that 110 00:05:45,400 --> 00:05:48,680 Speaker 2: I think sometimes the thing we worry about the most, 111 00:05:49,080 --> 00:05:53,880 Speaker 2: or the reaction we're anticipating from people who we are 112 00:05:53,920 --> 00:05:57,280 Speaker 2: closest to. Sometimes we are so off we don't know 113 00:05:57,800 --> 00:06:00,720 Speaker 2: what our parents or what people who love us are 114 00:06:00,760 --> 00:06:04,600 Speaker 2: going to say or think. Sometimes their reactions might surprise us, 115 00:06:04,600 --> 00:06:09,200 Speaker 2: and I actually think oftentimes they do. What you're worried 116 00:06:09,200 --> 00:06:12,680 Speaker 2: about the most, very often doesn't come to fruition in 117 00:06:12,720 --> 00:06:15,320 Speaker 2: the first place, and the biggest regret is not coming 118 00:06:15,360 --> 00:06:18,720 Speaker 2: clean sooner. So let's get to the question that our 119 00:06:18,760 --> 00:06:21,920 Speaker 2: reader asked us. This week's question again comes to us 120 00:06:21,960 --> 00:06:25,800 Speaker 2: from Kai, and she writes, Amy and TJ. I'm in 121 00:06:25,880 --> 00:06:28,279 Speaker 2: my late twenties and I've been dating my partner for 122 00:06:28,440 --> 00:06:32,599 Speaker 2: almost a year. I'm head over heels and truly believe 123 00:06:32,760 --> 00:06:36,520 Speaker 2: he might be the one. The problem is my parents. 124 00:06:37,080 --> 00:06:39,880 Speaker 2: I come from a culture where family approval is considered 125 00:06:40,200 --> 00:06:43,680 Speaker 2: essential before marriage. Because my partner and I come from 126 00:06:43,800 --> 00:06:47,520 Speaker 2: different backgrounds, I worry that my parents won't accept him. 127 00:06:47,800 --> 00:06:51,360 Speaker 2: They don't even know I'm in a serious relationship. I'm 128 00:06:51,440 --> 00:06:55,360 Speaker 2: torn between telling them now or waiting until we're engaged. 129 00:06:55,839 --> 00:06:59,680 Speaker 2: I don't want to cause unnecessary conflict, but I also 130 00:06:59,720 --> 00:07:01,680 Speaker 2: don't want to keep such a big part of my 131 00:07:01,760 --> 00:07:05,080 Speaker 2: life from them. What would you do in my position 132 00:07:05,640 --> 00:07:07,680 Speaker 2: Kai that last part. 133 00:07:07,480 --> 00:07:13,720 Speaker 1: There, like your heart goes out to her because she 134 00:07:13,920 --> 00:07:20,400 Speaker 1: is probably torn and is unsure. But yeah, to think 135 00:07:20,440 --> 00:07:22,920 Speaker 1: that there's something that's there that important, that she's that 136 00:07:23,040 --> 00:07:27,120 Speaker 1: excited about. And who is Who's the first couple of 137 00:07:27,120 --> 00:07:30,440 Speaker 1: people you're excited to tell your great news to. He 138 00:07:30,560 --> 00:07:33,560 Speaker 1: is she folks, and she's keeping it from them. That's 139 00:07:33,560 --> 00:07:34,200 Speaker 1: got to be tough. 140 00:07:34,560 --> 00:07:36,680 Speaker 2: It is. It's got to be incredibly tough. And I 141 00:07:36,720 --> 00:07:40,760 Speaker 2: think look, part of what my advice was to her 142 00:07:41,000 --> 00:07:43,080 Speaker 2: was from a parent's perspective. I know what it's like 143 00:07:43,120 --> 00:07:46,280 Speaker 2: to be young and in love, but from a parent's perspective, 144 00:07:47,560 --> 00:07:50,440 Speaker 2: I think that, yes, we want our kids. We have 145 00:07:50,480 --> 00:07:52,960 Speaker 2: a certain idea of what we want our children to 146 00:07:53,000 --> 00:07:54,360 Speaker 2: become and who we'd like. 147 00:07:54,360 --> 00:07:55,120 Speaker 3: To see them with. 148 00:07:55,680 --> 00:07:59,440 Speaker 2: But if you see that your child is happy, that 149 00:07:59,640 --> 00:08:01,880 Speaker 2: kind of trumps everything else. So you may have an 150 00:08:01,880 --> 00:08:04,280 Speaker 2: idea of who the perfect partner would be, but when 151 00:08:04,280 --> 00:08:09,040 Speaker 2: your child brings home somebody who genuinely makes them happy, 152 00:08:09,640 --> 00:08:13,720 Speaker 2: I feel like you can soften what your expectations are 153 00:08:14,000 --> 00:08:18,000 Speaker 2: when you see someone being loved by their partner. Like 154 00:08:18,040 --> 00:08:21,520 Speaker 2: if I see whoever Eva and Anna decide to bring home, 155 00:08:22,160 --> 00:08:25,800 Speaker 2: if I see that other person loving them and lifting 156 00:08:25,840 --> 00:08:28,480 Speaker 2: them up and supporting them. That's all that matters. And 157 00:08:28,520 --> 00:08:31,760 Speaker 2: I think that's where most parents' heads are. I can't 158 00:08:31,760 --> 00:08:35,600 Speaker 2: speak to their culture, obviously, but I do think that 159 00:08:35,720 --> 00:08:39,480 Speaker 2: by hiding him, it almost sends a message that it's wrong. 160 00:08:39,920 --> 00:08:44,439 Speaker 2: It almost reinforces this belief that she's doing something bad 161 00:08:45,120 --> 00:08:48,079 Speaker 2: and that could be a problem. 162 00:08:48,440 --> 00:08:51,400 Speaker 1: In her mind, then she must be doing something wrong. 163 00:08:52,400 --> 00:08:55,760 Speaker 1: So what is that thing? Look, I don't want to 164 00:08:55,880 --> 00:08:58,640 Speaker 1: dive into. Let's just take it for on its servered right. 165 00:08:58,760 --> 00:08:59,800 Speaker 1: What ages so we have? 166 00:09:00,320 --> 00:09:01,320 Speaker 2: She said, late twenties. 167 00:09:01,480 --> 00:09:04,520 Speaker 1: Okay, let's say they're both age appropriate. Right. There's nothing 168 00:09:04,600 --> 00:09:07,480 Speaker 1: wild about him. He's not some criminal off the street, 169 00:09:07,520 --> 00:09:09,840 Speaker 1: He's not some right he just say this is a 170 00:09:09,880 --> 00:09:10,480 Speaker 1: normal dude. 171 00:09:10,520 --> 00:09:12,360 Speaker 2: He's from a different background. That's what we have. 172 00:09:12,520 --> 00:09:16,280 Speaker 1: Okay. Then it sounds almost like she knows he was 173 00:09:16,320 --> 00:09:20,440 Speaker 1: a non starter. If this is that important to you 174 00:09:20,480 --> 00:09:24,760 Speaker 1: in culture, why are you even dabbling outside of what 175 00:09:24,840 --> 00:09:27,000 Speaker 1: you think is going to be okay for your culture? 176 00:09:27,040 --> 00:09:28,000 Speaker 1: Why do that? 177 00:09:28,080 --> 00:09:28,240 Speaker 2: Now? 178 00:09:28,240 --> 00:09:31,240 Speaker 1: I'm not saying at all that's what I think people 179 00:09:31,440 --> 00:09:34,440 Speaker 1: should do, But going by the rules she appears to 180 00:09:34,440 --> 00:09:37,280 Speaker 1: have for her family, why did she not follow them. 181 00:09:37,200 --> 00:09:40,200 Speaker 2: Right, because I was thinking, and I wrote this in 182 00:09:40,240 --> 00:09:43,959 Speaker 2: my advice to Kai, that if you don't let your 183 00:09:43,960 --> 00:09:48,440 Speaker 2: parents know, it's almost as if they're thinking, if he's 184 00:09:48,520 --> 00:09:51,160 Speaker 2: so great, if he's the one, why am I just 185 00:09:51,200 --> 00:09:53,080 Speaker 2: now meeting him. And that's going to be a hard 186 00:09:53,160 --> 00:09:57,040 Speaker 2: question for her to answer because she'll have to say, well, 187 00:09:57,080 --> 00:10:00,480 Speaker 2: it's because I thought you wouldn't approve. I don't know 188 00:10:00,520 --> 00:10:03,520 Speaker 2: how that will fly. But I think going in with 189 00:10:03,600 --> 00:10:07,199 Speaker 2: confidence and saying I understand that you have certain expectations, 190 00:10:07,240 --> 00:10:10,200 Speaker 2: but I hope you can understand how wonderful this man is. 191 00:10:10,240 --> 00:10:13,439 Speaker 2: It doesn't matter that he's this ethnicity or he has 192 00:10:13,480 --> 00:10:16,959 Speaker 2: this religion, because here are all the great things about him, 193 00:10:16,960 --> 00:10:19,680 Speaker 2: and going strong, go in with confidence, but going sooner 194 00:10:19,760 --> 00:10:22,360 Speaker 2: rather than later. Absolutely, I think the longer you wait, 195 00:10:22,400 --> 00:10:25,360 Speaker 2: the harder it is. It might you're just kicking the 196 00:10:25,400 --> 00:10:27,920 Speaker 2: can down the road, but I think it actually has 197 00:10:27,960 --> 00:10:31,800 Speaker 2: bigger complications than just having a longer period of time 198 00:10:31,840 --> 00:10:35,120 Speaker 2: where you are unsure and things are hanging in the 199 00:10:35,160 --> 00:10:37,840 Speaker 2: balance and twisting in the wind. You're actually the longer 200 00:10:37,880 --> 00:10:41,000 Speaker 2: you wait, the more suffering you're causing. I think for 201 00:10:41,120 --> 00:10:44,280 Speaker 2: you and for your boyfriend, but also the more damage 202 00:10:44,320 --> 00:10:46,040 Speaker 2: being done because you're going to have to explain an 203 00:10:46,080 --> 00:10:49,920 Speaker 2: even longer gap in time. I'd rather know my child's 204 00:10:49,960 --> 00:10:52,960 Speaker 2: partner or soon to be partner before they get engaged, 205 00:10:53,160 --> 00:10:54,760 Speaker 2: get to know them and kind of feel like I'm 206 00:10:54,800 --> 00:10:58,720 Speaker 2: along with the decision, I'm along for the ride. I 207 00:10:58,760 --> 00:11:01,600 Speaker 2: don't just get told what's happening and sorrow. You had 208 00:11:01,640 --> 00:11:05,160 Speaker 2: no idea. This has been going on for months, maybe 209 00:11:05,200 --> 00:11:05,960 Speaker 2: even years. 210 00:11:06,720 --> 00:11:09,120 Speaker 1: I'm pretty sure I've even seen that scenario in a 211 00:11:09,160 --> 00:11:12,319 Speaker 1: movie before, which you cannot be introducing somebody to your 212 00:11:12,480 --> 00:11:14,280 Speaker 1: parents for the first time as your fiance. 213 00:11:14,600 --> 00:11:15,120 Speaker 2: That's tough. 214 00:11:15,320 --> 00:11:18,439 Speaker 1: Yeah, you can't. That's never gonna go well, not even 215 00:11:18,520 --> 00:11:22,640 Speaker 1: the movies. It doesn't go well this lady and lady, 216 00:11:22,760 --> 00:11:25,520 Speaker 1: I'll go back. I'm reading through her thing again. The 217 00:11:25,600 --> 00:11:28,080 Speaker 1: problem is my parents. And as soon as you started 218 00:11:28,120 --> 00:11:31,360 Speaker 1: reading the problem is my parents. Is that fair? 219 00:11:32,760 --> 00:11:36,160 Speaker 2: It's what she thinks the problem is. But perhaps if 220 00:11:36,200 --> 00:11:39,720 Speaker 2: she looked inward and realized it's her inability to live 221 00:11:39,760 --> 00:11:41,760 Speaker 2: her own life and explain that to her parents. 222 00:11:41,880 --> 00:11:45,679 Speaker 1: Have you have you hidden who you're dating from your 223 00:11:45,679 --> 00:11:47,840 Speaker 1: parents for fear that they would be upset about who 224 00:11:47,880 --> 00:11:48,360 Speaker 1: you're dating. 225 00:11:49,800 --> 00:11:52,840 Speaker 3: I'm trying to think. I mean, I can understand. 226 00:11:52,400 --> 00:11:55,120 Speaker 1: Besides me, I'm sorry, Yes. 227 00:11:54,920 --> 00:11:56,600 Speaker 3: We can get into that in a moment, But I 228 00:11:56,640 --> 00:11:57,559 Speaker 3: do think that. 229 00:11:59,280 --> 00:12:02,880 Speaker 2: It's I can understand the argument not wanting to introduce 230 00:12:02,880 --> 00:12:05,200 Speaker 2: someone to your parents who you don't think you're going 231 00:12:05,280 --> 00:12:06,960 Speaker 2: to have a serious relationship with. 232 00:12:07,000 --> 00:12:08,679 Speaker 3: One hundred percent everyone does that. 233 00:12:09,280 --> 00:12:11,079 Speaker 2: You think about whether or not somebody, I hate to 234 00:12:11,160 --> 00:12:13,960 Speaker 2: us this worthy enough, but if your relationship maybe is 235 00:12:14,000 --> 00:12:16,000 Speaker 2: worthy enough to bring to your parents, you don't want 236 00:12:16,040 --> 00:12:18,160 Speaker 2: to bring every person that you've ever dated by your 237 00:12:18,160 --> 00:12:18,680 Speaker 2: parents just. 238 00:12:18,679 --> 00:12:20,160 Speaker 3: To Hey, look who I'm dating right now. 239 00:12:20,200 --> 00:12:21,480 Speaker 1: It's a big moment to meet parents. 240 00:12:21,640 --> 00:12:22,520 Speaker 3: It has to be. 241 00:12:22,679 --> 00:12:26,160 Speaker 2: A certain level of relationship for you to introduce them. 242 00:12:26,200 --> 00:12:28,719 Speaker 2: But I also would say that along the way, if 243 00:12:28,760 --> 00:12:32,800 Speaker 2: I'm dating you know Tom or Jim whatever, I will 244 00:12:32,840 --> 00:12:38,160 Speaker 2: probably mention to my I'm made up total Tom name Tom. 245 00:12:39,120 --> 00:12:44,080 Speaker 3: Look even I didn't either, I didn't know James. 246 00:12:44,120 --> 00:12:48,240 Speaker 2: The point being is I can understand casually mentioning like 247 00:12:48,280 --> 00:12:50,760 Speaker 2: oh yeah, I'm just kind of dating around or seeing somebody, 248 00:12:51,000 --> 00:12:53,839 Speaker 2: but never ever wanting my parents to actually meet them. 249 00:12:53,840 --> 00:12:57,000 Speaker 2: In fact, even right now, my oldest she told me 250 00:12:57,080 --> 00:13:00,040 Speaker 2: that she has had a third date with someone. I 251 00:13:00,080 --> 00:13:03,360 Speaker 2: don't know his name. I know a little bit about him, 252 00:13:03,400 --> 00:13:06,000 Speaker 2: but she's casually mentioned it. I have zero desire to 253 00:13:06,000 --> 00:13:08,040 Speaker 2: meet him. She is zero desire to introduce me to him. 254 00:13:08,040 --> 00:13:09,559 Speaker 3: But I do have an. 255 00:13:09,080 --> 00:13:12,920 Speaker 2: Awareness I would like for, you know, if maybe if 256 00:13:12,960 --> 00:13:15,760 Speaker 2: it goes to the fifth or sixth state, maybe I'd 257 00:13:15,760 --> 00:13:18,800 Speaker 2: like to know his name. But I do get it, like, 258 00:13:18,840 --> 00:13:20,640 Speaker 2: we don't have to know everything as parents, and I 259 00:13:20,640 --> 00:13:23,160 Speaker 2: don't think children have to tell their parents everyone who 260 00:13:23,160 --> 00:13:25,719 Speaker 2: they're dating. But this is far different from that. And 261 00:13:26,080 --> 00:13:30,679 Speaker 2: we personally know what it's like, the consequences that you 262 00:13:30,760 --> 00:13:35,080 Speaker 2: suffer sometimes if you don't, if you aren't transparent with 263 00:13:35,120 --> 00:13:37,480 Speaker 2: something serious, for the people who are closest to you. 264 00:13:39,800 --> 00:13:46,960 Speaker 1: Yeah, and we have vowed as recently and reiterated it 265 00:13:47,040 --> 00:13:50,600 Speaker 1: in the past two weeks to our parents, something that 266 00:13:50,640 --> 00:13:55,240 Speaker 1: we say we will never ever ever do again. 267 00:14:04,840 --> 00:14:11,440 Speaker 2: Welcome Aback, Welcome a Back. That was funny. I'm taken, aback, 268 00:14:12,120 --> 00:14:14,160 Speaker 2: I'm welcome, all. 269 00:14:14,120 --> 00:14:16,040 Speaker 1: Right, Fine, let's keep it. 270 00:14:16,200 --> 00:14:17,520 Speaker 3: I've got a case of the Mondays. 271 00:14:17,640 --> 00:14:20,920 Speaker 1: That's all I can say. Awesome, that was so great. 272 00:14:20,920 --> 00:14:22,680 Speaker 1: This is be my favorite episode. 273 00:14:23,400 --> 00:14:28,040 Speaker 2: Welcome Welcome Back, and Please don't be taken aback by 274 00:14:28,080 --> 00:14:30,960 Speaker 2: my lack of knowledge of how to form a sentence 275 00:14:31,040 --> 00:14:32,120 Speaker 2: in the English language. 276 00:14:32,160 --> 00:14:32,560 Speaker 3: Anyway. 277 00:14:32,760 --> 00:14:35,360 Speaker 2: Welcome back to this edition of Amy and DJ, where 278 00:14:35,360 --> 00:14:40,359 Speaker 2: we are actually talking about our latest column, our relationship 279 00:14:40,360 --> 00:14:45,200 Speaker 2: advice column. It drops every Monday on Yahoo dot Com 280 00:14:45,200 --> 00:14:48,880 Speaker 2: in a life section, And this week's question comes to 281 00:14:48,920 --> 00:14:51,720 Speaker 2: us from a reader named Kai, and she is really 282 00:14:51,760 --> 00:14:56,160 Speaker 2: struggling with how to, when, to if to tell her 283 00:14:56,200 --> 00:14:59,640 Speaker 2: parents that she is seriously dating someone who has a 284 00:14:59,640 --> 00:15:03,040 Speaker 2: different background, who she believes her parents won't approve of 285 00:15:03,200 --> 00:15:07,320 Speaker 2: because they come from different backgrounds. And Tej in your 286 00:15:07,600 --> 00:15:11,239 Speaker 2: initial advice to Kai, you actually spoke from experience. 287 00:15:11,920 --> 00:15:14,440 Speaker 1: I mean I actually spoke from experience. 288 00:15:14,240 --> 00:15:16,840 Speaker 2: Our experience. I'm just saying as well you said, and 289 00:15:16,880 --> 00:15:18,040 Speaker 2: it's our shared experience. 290 00:15:18,200 --> 00:15:24,280 Speaker 1: Well, that's a what out of fear? Right, we didn't 291 00:15:24,320 --> 00:15:29,000 Speaker 1: tell our parents something out of fear, our fear at 292 00:15:29,000 --> 00:15:33,600 Speaker 1: the time parents were aware of divorce, but we didn't 293 00:15:33,600 --> 00:15:35,600 Speaker 1: tell then that we had started dating. Now, once we 294 00:15:35,640 --> 00:15:39,520 Speaker 1: started dating, it wasn't serious enough initially to a point 295 00:15:39,520 --> 00:15:44,400 Speaker 1: that we necessarily felt we should but we probably still 296 00:15:44,760 --> 00:15:46,880 Speaker 1: should have, and our folks had to find out about 297 00:15:46,880 --> 00:15:50,480 Speaker 1: it when everybody else in the world did. But that 298 00:15:50,680 --> 00:15:56,600 Speaker 1: was a time we could have used some support, some 299 00:15:56,600 --> 00:16:01,560 Speaker 1: support for us as a couple that we didn't seek 300 00:16:01,640 --> 00:16:05,520 Speaker 1: out from anybody. Like a very difficult time for us. 301 00:16:05,520 --> 00:16:10,360 Speaker 1: So to kai what she's going through now, trying to 302 00:16:12,000 --> 00:16:13,960 Speaker 1: figure out the next step of her life. She's about 303 00:16:13,960 --> 00:16:15,960 Speaker 1: to possibly get married, and you don't have the support 304 00:16:16,000 --> 00:16:17,920 Speaker 1: of your I mean, you even want your family to 305 00:16:17,960 --> 00:16:20,960 Speaker 1: size a guy up, right, You want your friends, You 306 00:16:20,960 --> 00:16:22,720 Speaker 1: want people around and say yeah, we like them, we 307 00:16:22,760 --> 00:16:26,320 Speaker 1: don't like them, whatever may be. It's just we never 308 00:16:26,560 --> 00:16:30,960 Speaker 1: We were on with my dad recently and there was 309 00:16:30,960 --> 00:16:33,720 Speaker 1: I can't remember what it was and whatever tabloid, but 310 00:16:33,760 --> 00:16:36,120 Speaker 1: it got to a point that we needed to call 311 00:16:36,160 --> 00:16:38,720 Speaker 1: our parents and say, hey, you're going to be seeing 312 00:16:39,080 --> 00:16:41,560 Speaker 1: this and just want to make sure you understand that no, 313 00:16:41,880 --> 00:16:45,280 Speaker 1: that is not the case. This is what's up, and 314 00:16:45,360 --> 00:16:48,400 Speaker 1: you all will never we have pledged to them, we 315 00:16:48,480 --> 00:16:51,760 Speaker 1: will never ever let you all hear something about our 316 00:16:51,800 --> 00:16:55,840 Speaker 1: relationship in a paper or a tabloid first. 317 00:16:55,720 --> 00:16:59,560 Speaker 2: Because once something like that does happen, once news slips 318 00:16:59,640 --> 00:17:02,000 Speaker 2: to you or family or your parents before you're able 319 00:17:02,040 --> 00:17:05,840 Speaker 2: to actually tell them, it's hard to have them feel 320 00:17:05,880 --> 00:17:08,840 Speaker 2: like you are trusting in them again. Like to your point, 321 00:17:08,880 --> 00:17:10,920 Speaker 2: my mom saw that we both wore Ora rings. I 322 00:17:10,920 --> 00:17:13,080 Speaker 2: think we've talked about this before, and she actually asked me, 323 00:17:13,160 --> 00:17:14,800 Speaker 2: but she took her a while to build up the 324 00:17:14,840 --> 00:17:17,600 Speaker 2: courage to ask me if you and I had already 325 00:17:17,600 --> 00:17:20,800 Speaker 2: gotten married. And that is when we said, and I 326 00:17:20,800 --> 00:17:22,720 Speaker 2: think you said this to her too, we would never 327 00:17:22,960 --> 00:17:25,919 Speaker 2: We will never do that without telling you first. We 328 00:17:26,000 --> 00:17:29,800 Speaker 2: are going to include you in our plans before they happen. 329 00:17:29,840 --> 00:17:31,720 Speaker 2: You're not going to be the last person to find 330 00:17:31,720 --> 00:17:34,760 Speaker 2: out something ever again. And I think we learned that 331 00:17:34,840 --> 00:17:37,840 Speaker 2: clearly the hard way. But to Kai, we would say, 332 00:17:37,920 --> 00:17:42,640 Speaker 2: I would say that I don't think there is any 333 00:17:42,840 --> 00:17:45,840 Speaker 2: harm in telling your parents. In fact, I know it 334 00:17:45,880 --> 00:17:50,120 Speaker 2: takes courage and I know it takes bravery, but that's 335 00:17:50,240 --> 00:17:52,360 Speaker 2: never going to be the thing you regret. You're going 336 00:17:52,400 --> 00:17:55,919 Speaker 2: to regret your silence in this particular point. I think 337 00:17:55,960 --> 00:17:57,239 Speaker 2: a lot of times people say, oh, you can never 338 00:17:57,280 --> 00:18:00,159 Speaker 2: regret your silences. In this instance, you can. When it 339 00:18:00,200 --> 00:18:02,000 Speaker 2: comes to your family and bringing them in. If you 340 00:18:02,080 --> 00:18:04,280 Speaker 2: want their support and you need their support, which I 341 00:18:04,280 --> 00:18:07,240 Speaker 2: think most of us do, the best way to get 342 00:18:07,240 --> 00:18:10,080 Speaker 2: it is to be transparent is to be forthcoming and 343 00:18:10,200 --> 00:18:14,840 Speaker 2: to trust in their love for you. Trust that their 344 00:18:14,920 --> 00:18:20,679 Speaker 2: love for you is greater than any cultural norm or 345 00:18:20,720 --> 00:18:23,239 Speaker 2: cultural tradition that they were brought up with, that they 346 00:18:23,720 --> 00:18:26,720 Speaker 2: can grow and they can evolve beyond what perhaps some 347 00:18:26,920 --> 00:18:30,400 Speaker 2: strict box was that they were put in. Maybe they 348 00:18:30,480 --> 00:18:32,200 Speaker 2: think they want the same for you, But when they 349 00:18:32,200 --> 00:18:34,680 Speaker 2: see your joy and they see their happiness, their love 350 00:18:34,880 --> 00:18:38,359 Speaker 2: will break through that cultural tradition at least I would 351 00:18:38,359 --> 00:18:40,359 Speaker 2: hope so. And if it doesn't, and if they don't, 352 00:18:40,600 --> 00:18:42,240 Speaker 2: then that's on them, not on you. 353 00:18:44,520 --> 00:18:49,280 Speaker 1: What would you suggest be the tactic for letting them know. 354 00:18:49,880 --> 00:18:53,720 Speaker 2: I think the tactic would be toa I don't know 355 00:18:53,760 --> 00:18:57,000 Speaker 2: how close they are logistically, if it's a phone call 356 00:18:57,160 --> 00:18:58,840 Speaker 2: or if it's at least to FaceTime, but I think 357 00:18:58,880 --> 00:19:01,240 Speaker 2: it needs to be in face, face to face, and 358 00:19:01,280 --> 00:19:03,359 Speaker 2: I think it's just her with her parents. Don't bring 359 00:19:03,680 --> 00:19:07,840 Speaker 2: boyfriend into it yet, just kai talking to her parents, 360 00:19:07,840 --> 00:19:10,159 Speaker 2: and if she can't do it in person, do it 361 00:19:10,200 --> 00:19:12,960 Speaker 2: on FaceTime. But just say hey, I have good news 362 00:19:13,080 --> 00:19:15,240 Speaker 2: that I want to share with you that I have 363 00:19:15,359 --> 00:19:17,359 Speaker 2: not shared with you yet. I wanted to make sure 364 00:19:17,600 --> 00:19:19,840 Speaker 2: it was worth sharing. And now I know it is, 365 00:19:19,880 --> 00:19:22,679 Speaker 2: and go into it with something positive. Don't say I 366 00:19:22,720 --> 00:19:24,960 Speaker 2: know you might be mad, Please don't be mad. If 367 00:19:25,000 --> 00:19:26,880 Speaker 2: you set it up like that, you're almost giving them 368 00:19:26,880 --> 00:19:29,399 Speaker 2: permission to be angry. In a sense, I would start 369 00:19:29,440 --> 00:19:32,040 Speaker 2: in with positivity and joy and say, I love you, 370 00:19:32,359 --> 00:19:33,920 Speaker 2: I know what you want from me, and I hope 371 00:19:33,960 --> 00:19:36,959 Speaker 2: what you want for me above all else is for 372 00:19:37,040 --> 00:19:39,040 Speaker 2: me to be happy and to a found love. And 373 00:19:39,080 --> 00:19:41,000 Speaker 2: I think I have found that, and I want to 374 00:19:41,040 --> 00:19:43,280 Speaker 2: share you, share with you who this man is, and 375 00:19:43,560 --> 00:19:47,359 Speaker 2: just go into it with positive, with the positive thoughts 376 00:19:47,400 --> 00:19:49,639 Speaker 2: and positive words. 377 00:19:50,280 --> 00:19:52,600 Speaker 1: And the only change I would have to that that 378 00:19:52,640 --> 00:19:57,000 Speaker 1: even if you don't live near your parents, take a flight, 379 00:19:57,720 --> 00:19:58,919 Speaker 1: this needs to be done in person. 380 00:19:59,000 --> 00:20:00,399 Speaker 2: Really, you don't think FaceTime good enough. 381 00:20:01,119 --> 00:20:04,640 Speaker 1: I said something about that that physical energy gives the thing. 382 00:20:04,720 --> 00:20:07,560 Speaker 1: You know, there's body language, there's a thing just a 383 00:20:08,440 --> 00:20:11,399 Speaker 1: warmth and I love the even and a compassion and 384 00:20:11,440 --> 00:20:15,879 Speaker 1: an emotional energy that has to be felt side by side, 385 00:20:15,960 --> 00:20:17,400 Speaker 1: face to face with parents. 386 00:20:17,440 --> 00:20:19,800 Speaker 2: I just but what if that delays it even further? 387 00:20:19,880 --> 00:20:20,880 Speaker 2: What if she can't get off. 388 00:20:20,880 --> 00:20:25,000 Speaker 1: Already a year at this point, you already screwed this 389 00:20:25,040 --> 00:20:28,120 Speaker 1: thing up. So if it's a couple more weekends. 390 00:20:28,720 --> 00:20:30,840 Speaker 2: Yeah, and I think that kai. What I would say 391 00:20:30,880 --> 00:20:32,360 Speaker 2: is they might not react. 392 00:20:32,400 --> 00:20:34,680 Speaker 1: Well, if there's the thing, well, oh I was about 393 00:20:34,720 --> 00:20:36,360 Speaker 1: to say, they might not react the way you think 394 00:20:36,359 --> 00:20:36,639 Speaker 1: they are. 395 00:20:36,880 --> 00:20:39,919 Speaker 2: Oh yeah, well, they might react incredibly well, they might 396 00:20:39,960 --> 00:20:40,960 Speaker 2: be incredibly supportive. 397 00:20:41,000 --> 00:20:43,240 Speaker 3: They might say, all we care about. 398 00:20:43,040 --> 00:20:46,600 Speaker 2: Is your happiness. But let's just say her worst fears 399 00:20:46,640 --> 00:20:49,479 Speaker 2: come true, which could absolutely happen, and they aren't happy. 400 00:20:49,760 --> 00:20:52,360 Speaker 2: Give them a second, give them a moment to live 401 00:20:52,400 --> 00:20:55,880 Speaker 2: with it, to kind of get used to the idea 402 00:20:55,960 --> 00:20:59,640 Speaker 2: of it. And then and only when they are ready, 403 00:21:00,119 --> 00:21:01,240 Speaker 2: you introduce the boyfriend. 404 00:21:01,400 --> 00:21:04,440 Speaker 1: But it's gonna be it could possibly be hard when 405 00:21:04,480 --> 00:21:07,440 Speaker 1: it does happen, it could be really hard. But every 406 00:21:07,480 --> 00:21:11,080 Speaker 1: minute that goes by, extra minute that goes by that 407 00:21:11,119 --> 00:21:15,360 Speaker 1: you don't tell them, it gets harder and harder and harder. 408 00:21:15,560 --> 00:21:17,320 Speaker 1: The closer you get to an engagement. I mean, the 409 00:21:17,440 --> 00:21:20,040 Speaker 1: engagement could have happened by now. Are they delaying because 410 00:21:20,040 --> 00:21:23,280 Speaker 1: of this? Possibly? What is she telling this young man? 411 00:21:23,640 --> 00:21:26,040 Speaker 1: I want to marry you, but you haven't let me 412 00:21:26,040 --> 00:21:28,880 Speaker 1: meet your parents yet. I don't know. They don't even 413 00:21:28,920 --> 00:21:30,560 Speaker 1: know about me. Does he even know about that? That's 414 00:21:30,600 --> 00:21:33,560 Speaker 1: another rom common scenario I'm sure I've seen recently. 415 00:21:36,080 --> 00:21:39,119 Speaker 2: There are a lot of complicating factors to all of this, 416 00:21:39,240 --> 00:21:42,480 Speaker 2: but I think the best way forward, the best way out, 417 00:21:42,520 --> 00:21:44,159 Speaker 2: is through, and to get through it, you have to 418 00:21:44,200 --> 00:21:44,679 Speaker 2: be honest. 419 00:21:44,680 --> 00:21:46,880 Speaker 3: You have to be transparent. 420 00:21:47,240 --> 00:21:49,560 Speaker 2: And we've talked about this so much, but that has 421 00:21:49,600 --> 00:21:52,400 Speaker 2: been my biggest regret when I look back, especially when 422 00:21:52,440 --> 00:21:55,600 Speaker 2: it came to our relationships, not being transparent, because when 423 00:21:55,640 --> 00:21:59,520 Speaker 2: you don't, when you don't tell your story, someone else will. 424 00:21:59,600 --> 00:22:01,920 Speaker 2: Who knows what they're thinking about their daughter, who knows 425 00:22:01,920 --> 00:22:03,679 Speaker 2: if they're trying to set her up, who knows what 426 00:22:03,720 --> 00:22:06,480 Speaker 2: they have in their mind about what her life, what 427 00:22:06,560 --> 00:22:08,679 Speaker 2: her relationship, what her family is going to look like. 428 00:22:08,720 --> 00:22:11,160 Speaker 2: And so the sooner she explains to them the path 429 00:22:11,200 --> 00:22:13,080 Speaker 2: that she's on, the better off. 430 00:22:13,160 --> 00:22:14,200 Speaker 3: The sooner they're going. 431 00:22:14,200 --> 00:22:17,680 Speaker 2: To be off to a better path period in the future. 432 00:22:17,760 --> 00:22:21,840 Speaker 2: About having a non strained relationship, so I just you know, 433 00:22:22,880 --> 00:22:24,400 Speaker 2: trust us in. 434 00:22:24,320 --> 00:22:26,240 Speaker 3: The sense that we have walked to that path. 435 00:22:26,040 --> 00:22:29,919 Speaker 2: Before, and there's just no place for secret. Secrets always 436 00:22:30,160 --> 00:22:36,119 Speaker 2: end badly. Secret relationship, just a secret that you're carrying 437 00:22:36,119 --> 00:22:38,040 Speaker 2: with you, you're the one who ends up suffering even 438 00:22:38,119 --> 00:22:41,240 Speaker 2: not the people you're keeping it from, but you yourself are suffering, 439 00:22:41,240 --> 00:22:45,160 Speaker 2: and perhaps your relationship is too, because imagine you love someone, 440 00:22:45,240 --> 00:22:47,639 Speaker 2: you're excited, you think they're the one, but you have 441 00:22:47,680 --> 00:22:50,600 Speaker 2: this sense of dread when it comes to that relationship 442 00:22:50,600 --> 00:22:52,960 Speaker 2: because you can't be honest with your family about who 443 00:22:53,000 --> 00:22:55,840 Speaker 2: you love. That's a really, really tough position to be in, 444 00:22:55,840 --> 00:22:59,760 Speaker 2: and I feel for Kai completely. But we would love 445 00:22:59,800 --> 00:23:03,840 Speaker 2: for you all to check out this latest edition of 446 00:23:03,880 --> 00:23:06,920 Speaker 2: Ask Amy and TG. So please everyone go to Yahoo, 447 00:23:06,960 --> 00:23:09,560 Speaker 2: go to the life section, read what Kai had to say. 448 00:23:09,600 --> 00:23:12,200 Speaker 2: You can read our full advice there, and then we 449 00:23:12,440 --> 00:23:15,480 Speaker 2: urge you please go ahead get on those comments, give 450 00:23:15,600 --> 00:23:17,879 Speaker 2: Kai the best advice you have. Maybe some of you 451 00:23:17,960 --> 00:23:20,440 Speaker 2: have walked this walk and we don't have that specific 452 00:23:20,480 --> 00:23:26,240 Speaker 2: experience of having a family that wants a specific partner 453 00:23:26,280 --> 00:23:31,240 Speaker 2: for you. That's a whole other set of parameters and 454 00:23:31,280 --> 00:23:33,600 Speaker 2: guidelines that I never had to navigate. So for any 455 00:23:33,640 --> 00:23:35,080 Speaker 2: of you who have had to do that, we would 456 00:23:35,080 --> 00:23:38,000 Speaker 2: absolutely appreciate your comments. And we'll do another podcast this 457 00:23:38,080 --> 00:23:41,200 Speaker 2: week talking about what you our listener and the readers 458 00:23:41,400 --> 00:23:42,520 Speaker 2: had to say to Kai.