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Speaker 1: Welcome to I do part two, the pod for people

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Speaker 1: who didn't get it right the first time when it

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Speaker 1: came to love and now find themselves picking up the

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Speaker 1: pieces and putting themselves back together. I'm Cheryl Burke, one

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Speaker 1: of your celebrity mentors, and I'm just like you guys.

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Speaker 1: I'm divorced. I've been through the ringer. I know how

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Speaker 1: hard it is, and today I just want to kind

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Speaker 1: of take over and talk about my experience and where

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Speaker 1: I'm at post divorce. Valentine's Day coming up. But we

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Speaker 1: can't do this without my producer, Heather, who is also

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Speaker 1: single and almost forty, but she still has a few

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Speaker 1: more years. She's gonna grill me. So this should be fun.

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Speaker 1: Hi Share, Welcome, Hi, Hey girl, Welcome.

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Speaker 2: Hi, Thank you. So I want to talk obviously about

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Speaker 2: your ex experience a little bit, so kind of like

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Speaker 2: run us through the highlights. I know you had the

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Speaker 2: big wedding, but like talk about how long were you

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Speaker 2: married for and how long has it been since you're divorce.

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Speaker 1: Okay, well I was married first of all, so this

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Speaker 1: was a relationship that you know, we started dating when

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Speaker 1: I first moved to LA But I'm not going to

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Speaker 1: talk too much about him, but I'll definitely talk more

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Speaker 1: about just my experience and I I love convert in

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Speaker 1: any way, shape and form, So like I just it

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Speaker 1: was really it's always been weird for me to like

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Speaker 1: date and just to meet people, especially in the business

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Speaker 1: that I am. But even before this business, it wasn't that.

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Speaker 1: It was just that I'm naturally introverted, right, So when

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Speaker 1: I feel comfortable around somebody, you know, the and if

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Speaker 1: let's say, we break up, which I did with my

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Speaker 1: ex at that time after dating for the like for

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Speaker 1: a year back in two thousand and six or seven,

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Speaker 1: and then we reuni, I did and it just felt comfortable,

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Speaker 1: you know, and it was just like, Okay, we don't

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Speaker 1: have to do the whole like it's a small talk

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Speaker 1: that just gets me anyway. Then yes, then we get

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Speaker 1: married and we were married for we started dating again

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Speaker 1: for another year I believe a year and a half

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Speaker 1: before we got married or engaged, and then we got

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Speaker 1: married very soon later.

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Speaker 2: Can I jump in and ask you this, whose idea

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Speaker 2: was it to get married?

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Speaker 1: Totally mine? I'll take full accountability. Yeah, I don't think

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Speaker 1: he was. I Mean, look, there was conversations, but every

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Speaker 1: time it was me starting the conversation, right, because I

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Speaker 1: also was like older, so it was ten years of

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Speaker 1: that gap between when we first dated and then started again.

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Speaker 1: But it was kind of like okay, but when you're older,

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Speaker 1: you know, you're kind of thinking like, well, if this

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Speaker 1: person's not serious, then like why waste time? Right? And

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Speaker 1: I get I'm like what is time now? Now I'm

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Speaker 1: a different woman, and I'm like, it's it's just so

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Speaker 1: interesting how we put so much pressure, especially women, because

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Speaker 1: we think that there's this schedule that we need to

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Speaker 1: follow as far as getting married and having kids. It's like,

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Speaker 1: it's the conventional way, right, It's what society expects from you.

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Speaker 1: But it doesn't have to be in any order or

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Speaker 1: at any time, amen, or does it ever have to

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Speaker 1: happen period?

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Speaker 2: Did you ever consider not getting married and just being

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Speaker 2: in a long term partnership?

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Speaker 1: Not then, not back then? No, that was my goal.

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Speaker 1: The goal was to get married, Like it was literally

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Speaker 1: to get married. I wasn't even thinking kids. I was

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Speaker 1: just to get married.

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Speaker 2: It was just to get married. And so where where

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Speaker 2: did you feel like that came from? Was that about

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Speaker 2: the environment you were raised in or was it about

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Speaker 2: all of your friends were getting married, like pressure being

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Speaker 2: in the public eye and not being married yet, Like

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Speaker 2: where or was it just you just wanted that you

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Speaker 2: just grew up wanting to get married. Where do you

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Speaker 2: think it came from?

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Speaker 1: It came from like all those movies, like you know,

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Speaker 1: those rom comps. But also honestly, if you really want

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Speaker 1: to get deep here in a quick SoundBite. But it

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Speaker 1: was for my feeling at that time. I definitely didn't

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Speaker 1: love myself. I didn't even start that work, nor was

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Speaker 1: I interested, even though I was in therapy and I

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Speaker 1: have been forever. You know, there's certain things that you know,

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Speaker 1: my therapist now brings to my attention that I'll just

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Speaker 1: change the subject if it's something that I don't want

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Speaker 1: to talk about, And that was one of them, you know.

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Speaker 1: And it was so much about what the person outside

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Speaker 1: sources what can fill my cup up? And one of

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Speaker 1: that and one of my goals was to see if

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Speaker 1: I can get married, and has nothing to do with

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Speaker 1: the person I married. It has everything to do with

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Speaker 1: how no matter what I did, it doesn't matter, Like

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Speaker 1: you can't fill No one is going to fill your

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Speaker 1: cup up. Shopping's not going to fill your cup up.

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Speaker 1: You are, you need to do the internal work, and

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Speaker 1: that did not make any sense to me until recently.

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Speaker 2: Yeah, I mean that makes a lot of sense, though.

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Speaker 2: I want to know now post divorce, what has kind

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Speaker 2: of or right after the divorce, let's say, let's go

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Speaker 2: back to that. Right after the divorce, what was the focus.

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Speaker 2: Was it to get into therapy?

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Speaker 1: Was it to build I was already in therapy, okay.

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Speaker 2: Was it to build a new circle of friends. Was

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Speaker 2: it to focus more on yourself? Was it to start

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Speaker 2: a new life or what was kind of like that

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Speaker 2: when you first got divorced? What was the focus right

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Speaker 2: then and there?

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Speaker 1: I didn't have any type of goal, like to be

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Speaker 1: quite like just transparent with you. It was really about

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Speaker 1: surviving day after day, and it was one day at

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Speaker 1: a time, sometimes one hour at a time, sometimes one

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Speaker 1: minute at a time. And I'm very goal oriented, right,

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Speaker 1: But it naturally, honestly, it naturally became about me ghosting

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Speaker 1: everybody around me and doing the work myself. Because what

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Speaker 1: I realized naturally, and I don't think I was able

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Speaker 1: to put it into words at that time, but I

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Speaker 1: can't be vulnerable with other people sometimes like that vulnerable

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Speaker 1: like when it comes to like really feeling grief. I

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Speaker 1: even have trouble doing that, but when I'm by myself,

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Speaker 1: you know, so it's like, because it's so painful that

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Speaker 1: like I am a professional disassociator, and I definitely numb,

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Speaker 1: and though it's not through alcohol anymore, there's so many

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Speaker 1: other things I can do, right, So the list goes on,

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Speaker 1: and I am in order for me to really make

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Speaker 1: progress and to really feel okay in my own skin

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Speaker 1: and to feel alone, not lonely, like I sound like

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Speaker 1: a broken record, but like it's it really does start within.

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Speaker 1: And first my first priority, to be quite honest, was

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Speaker 1: staying sober, so that was definitely something that I was

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Speaker 1: aware of at that time.

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Speaker 2: Yeah, that's an important thing that you channeled a lot

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Speaker 2: of energy into. And I do want to commend you

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Speaker 2: for being so open about that because I do think

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Speaker 2: that that's a huge step for anybody in life. Choosing

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Speaker 2: to be sober, and you choosing to share that on

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Speaker 2: a large platform I think is really incredible. I want

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Speaker 2: to talk about the fact that you are a childless.

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Speaker 1: Woman, my friend. You accounts those well.

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Speaker 2: Babies always count, but I want to talk about this

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Speaker 2: because I think it's something that sometimes gets overlooked when

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Speaker 2: it comes to divorce. I think a lot of people

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Speaker 2: focus on divorce single parent aspect and what that kind

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Speaker 2: of entails. But you know, just because you don't have

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Speaker 2: children doesn't make this experience that you went through any

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Speaker 2: less painful or meaningful. But I kind of want to know,

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Speaker 2: from your perspective and what you've gone through, did it

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Speaker 2: feel different because you didn't have children and you didn't

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Speaker 2: have somebody. I mean, you had a fur baby to

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Speaker 2: take care of, right, but you didn't have have a

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Speaker 2: human being to take care of. You didn't have somebody

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Speaker 2: to put on a brave face for. Sometimes we hear

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Speaker 2: a lot about single parents having to do that.

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Speaker 1: I guess I don't know, because I've never had kids,

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Speaker 1: right Like, I don't know what that is.

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Speaker 2: Did you feel supported? I guess I want to know.

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Speaker 2: I think a lot of times we hear about stories

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Speaker 2: of people being rallied around because they need that extra support,

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Speaker 2: and sometimes us single girls that don't have kids, I

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Speaker 2: feel like we're viewed as you got this, you're strong.

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Speaker 2: What was your perspective like, did you have that?

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Speaker 1: I don't I have never never crossed my mind and

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Speaker 1: I've never felt that, but I, like, you know, I

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Speaker 1: mentioned earlier if I needed the support, absolutely, and I did.

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Speaker 1: And I and though she is on someone I pay

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Speaker 1: my therapist for me because I am so sensitive to bias, right,

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Speaker 1: Like I don't want At that time in my life,

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Speaker 1: I needed just to hear the truth, right, and I

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Speaker 1: really need it, just to hear it, and not because

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Speaker 1: of any type of politics being played, like I and

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Speaker 1: for me, that person was my therapist. I really leaned

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Speaker 1: on her a lot. And you know, I've been with

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Speaker 1: her for fifteen years. And I have to say the

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Speaker 1: reason I have been with her because I'm sensitive, as

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Speaker 1: I said, to bias, I is because she's not biased

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Speaker 1: like by any means. And I have to say that

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Speaker 1: she definitely you know, it was difficult. It was hard.

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Speaker 1: It was hard, truth because like she also is very

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Speaker 1: much all about taking accountability, and that is a thing

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Speaker 1: that you know, and sometimes that's the last thing you

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Speaker 1: want to do, right when you have all this anger

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Speaker 1: and rage. But I leaned on her a lot, and

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Speaker 1: I also lean and then with that, you know, it

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Speaker 1: was my choice to leave Los Angeles and move and

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Speaker 1: I don't believe a lot of people would choose that

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Speaker 1: after a divorce not just with their partner, but also

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Speaker 1: leaving a job that they've done for seventeen years of

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Speaker 1: their life, and the same year choose to move right.

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Speaker 1: So those are three huge changes that I think it's

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Speaker 1: my addict brain that's like, okay, I have to if

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Speaker 1: I'm going to just change my whole life, then I'm

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Speaker 1: changing my whole life. That house I was in for

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Speaker 1: sixteen years just reminded me of everything, right, So it

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Speaker 1: was like it was very important for me to do this,

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Speaker 1: And I don't know if I were to, like if

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Speaker 1: I'm like thinking about those decisions now and I'm like, WHOA,

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Speaker 1: that was bold. That was like three life changes. Like

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Speaker 1: they say, if you go up to five in one year,

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Speaker 1: you need to like go to the nearest mental and

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Speaker 1: like it will make you mental, right, like because it's

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Speaker 1: just so much change. But then also with that, you know,

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Speaker 1: my friends have changed right too and naturally. But like

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Speaker 1: I've never felt so grounded, and so look, there's fucking

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Speaker 1: days where I don't feel like this. Okay, I'm not

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Speaker 1: trying to say like I have served like you know, no,

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Speaker 1: there's shirty days, absolutely, but I've never felt lonely.

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Speaker 2: So I'd love to hear that. Let me ask you

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Speaker 2: something super personal. You can be like sure, I want

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Speaker 2: to answer that. No, I know, okay, what are your

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Speaker 2: views on children? Is that something that you think about,

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Speaker 2: something that you want in your lifetime? Still don't know,

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Speaker 2: like kind of.

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Speaker 1: Where you are. I actually talked about it with my

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Speaker 1: therapist recently, and she's like, the way you treat your dog,

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Speaker 1: are you sure you want to have kids? Because my

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Speaker 1: dog is a spoiled brat, like literally spoiled twenty four

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Speaker 1: hour care over here because she needs it, but or

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Speaker 1: I think she needs it. But you know, I believe,

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Speaker 1: and I've just okay, I believe. Okay, of course it's

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Speaker 1: great to raise a kid with two people, right like

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Speaker 1: obviously because I come from a divorce family, and because

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Speaker 1: I know how much it affected me and other stories

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Speaker 1: I've heard even if I was so young, it doesn't matter,

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Speaker 1: stills ingrained in my freaking identity, right I. And this

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Speaker 1: is not going to be popular, I don't. I believe

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Speaker 1: that it's okay to raise kids on your own, like

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Speaker 1: and actually to start it off like that would probably

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Speaker 1: be healthier than having to rely on another partner, not

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Speaker 1: knowing what mood that person's going to wake up in

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Speaker 1: and not knowing what this kid is going to observe.

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Speaker 1: And at least you have control for the most part

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Speaker 1: over yourself in your kids.

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Speaker 2: I will say, Cheryl, you say that that's unpopular. I

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Speaker 2: think that's becoming more popular as time goes on. I mean,

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Speaker 2: I could draw a conclusion right now to like Lalla

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Speaker 2: on vander Pump Rules, after having one child in that relationship,

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Speaker 2: decided I still want to be a mom. That is

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Speaker 2: still really important to me. And she opted to have

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Speaker 2: a sperm donor and had that second child and is

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Speaker 2: raising it on her own because she does not want

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Speaker 2: to go through kind of the conflict that she went

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Speaker 2: through with her child's father.

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Speaker 1: How has people, I guess it been celebrated at all.

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Speaker 2: Or totally celebrated. She had a baby shower, She has

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Speaker 2: been you know, uh, embraced by her family. Yeah. So,

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Speaker 2: I mean that was a journey that she went on

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Speaker 2: on her own. And I think, you know, I I

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Speaker 2: know in my professional life, I have worked with women

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Speaker 2: that you know, were in their fifties and decided to

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Speaker 2: adopt on their own and become mothers later in life.

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Speaker 2: And one of them, I actually know ended up then

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Speaker 2: meeting a spouse later on after bringing you know, adopting

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Speaker 2: a child on her own. I know, like Coda on

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Speaker 2: the Today Show, she's done it on her own as well.

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Speaker 2: So I think it's it is becoming I think, a

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Speaker 2: more popular and mainstream decision for women because they feel

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Speaker 2: similar to what you're expressing, you know, like they want

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Speaker 2: the risk. You know, they've maybe gone through something. I mean,

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Speaker 2: I'm a product of divorce too, so when you talk

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Speaker 2: about that, I totally understand those feelings and how that

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Speaker 2: sticks with you. And I do think that you know, yes, ideally,

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Speaker 2: it's it's I think it's less about that a child

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Speaker 2: necessarily needs two parents as it's more it's a tough job.

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Speaker 2: So if you have somebody to share the workload with,

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Speaker 2: that I think does sound great. But I think that

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Speaker 2: you and I both know that there's a lot of

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Speaker 2: single parents out there in the world that are kicking

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Speaker 2: ass right now and doing yeah for sure.

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Speaker 1: Yeah. And also, look, I didn't freeze. I've chosen not

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Speaker 1: to freeze my eggs and I don't plan on ever

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Speaker 1: doing that, So Noor, I don't think it'll be possible

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Speaker 1: soon or if it's not possible. Now, it's not possible.

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Speaker 1: It doesn't matter either way, that's not happening. So what

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Speaker 1: my therapist and I were talking about was like, Okay,

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Speaker 1: she does have a friend that she was able to,

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Speaker 1: you know, get a donor and then like have a

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Speaker 1: surrogate and do that whole thing. And at first I

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Speaker 1: was like, okay, adopt, but then I'm like, oh wait,

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Speaker 1: even realize that that was an option. So but I'm

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Speaker 1: not clearly, I'm not that like, Okay, tomorrow, we're doing this.

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Speaker 1: I'm not ready yet. And this is the beauty of

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Speaker 1: also in a way, where we are today in this

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Speaker 1: world as far as you know, technology, and it's scary

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Speaker 1: but also very helpful for women who feel like they

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Speaker 1: haven't finished what they're trying to do, whatever that is.

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Speaker 1: And I don't feel like I have started my second

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Speaker 1: chapter yet in my career yet, so like I don't

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Speaker 1: want to. I don't think it would be responsible for

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Speaker 1: me to bring in a kid right now if I

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Speaker 1: don't feel I mean, I guess I'm never gonna be ready.

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Speaker 1: No one is, and I guess I'm never going to

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Speaker 1: feel settled because like how boring is that? But I

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Speaker 1: know that there's more that I need to do as

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Speaker 1: an individual before sharing my life with somebody.

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Speaker 2: And Cheryl, I know I'm not your mom, but I

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Speaker 2: can also say this to you. You are allowed to

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Speaker 2: change your mind at any time. Yeah, any of this too,

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Speaker 2: but not when you have the kid, not once you

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Speaker 2: have the kid. That's what I read. You have children

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Speaker 2: for sure, And so I think that's important, right because

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Speaker 2: I think sometimes people are put a lot of pressure

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Speaker 2: on themselves to make a decision and stick to that answer.

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Speaker 2: And you know, we are allowed to change our minds

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Speaker 2: about things. And you could want to get married again someday, yea,

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Speaker 2: not want to have children again someday and life changes.

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Speaker 1: How about just the dating, Like I'm not dating and

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Speaker 1: I'm choosing not to date, like forget the marriage. How

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Speaker 1: much is meeting somebody? I'm like, I am perfectly content

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Speaker 1: in this home, with these four walls. I never have

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Speaker 1: to leave.

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Speaker 2: Let's talk about it, Cheryl, because I do want to

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Speaker 2: talk about what's going on with the not dating.

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Speaker 1: I knew this was a note from Amy Sugarman, wasn't it.

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Speaker 1: Yeah right, yeah right, All y'all think it's so weird, Like, well,

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Speaker 1: what is happening?

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Speaker 2: Weird. Hello, I'm not dating either, Cheryl.

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Speaker 1: I bet you you leave your house more than I do, though.

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Speaker 2: Probably not Cheryl. But I want to know when was

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Speaker 2: your last date?

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Speaker 1: Amy Shag from that dude that's Kelly's dating Yeah, mister Tennis.

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Speaker 1: But is she still dating him? I forgot, I don't know.

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Speaker 2: I haven't gotten up date. But I want to know

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Speaker 2: when was that date? So your last date was when?

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Speaker 1: I don't know? I mean, I can check my calendar.

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Speaker 2: Hold on, are we talking over three hundred and sixty

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Speaker 2: five days?

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Speaker 1: Like? Oh, for sure it was when I was just moving. Okay,

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Speaker 1: zero interests, don't even try.

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Speaker 2: But no, but tell me where where? Like I want

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Speaker 2: to know as a single you're gorgeous, you're talented, you have,

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Speaker 2: like you just said, you're so busy right now, it's

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Speaker 2: like so hard to even lock you down.

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Speaker 1: No, but I'm not, like, I'm not.

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Speaker 2: I just I want to know, Like, when Cheryl goes

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Speaker 2: out to the bank or to run errands, do you

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Speaker 2: turn your hand to me?

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Speaker 1: They come to me attractive men?

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Speaker 2: Are we not even looking at men? Are we blinders?

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Speaker 1: On? Oh? Hell yeah, Like I'm following some hot dudes

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Speaker 1: on and mind you like errands come to me like

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Speaker 1: this is the invention. This is what I mean. Technology

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Speaker 1: like instacard, like you know, bank like you can do everything.

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Speaker 1: I don't remember the last time I set foot in

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Speaker 1: a bank anyway. Yeah, no, of course, I still think

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Speaker 1: guys are hot. That doesn't mean though, that they deserve me.

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Speaker 2: Of course. Wait, are guys sliding into your dms.

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Speaker 1: Ever old creepy ones? But like I think about it,

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Speaker 1: I'm not one to post like my tits are not out,

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Speaker 1: Like I don't do that right, Like.

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Speaker 2: Like you're still stunning and you're still active on social media.

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Speaker 1: Well yeah, I mean no. But to answer you, I mean,

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Speaker 1: I don't know. I don't check like the other you know,

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Speaker 1: there's messages. There's so many sections of messages the others. No,

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Speaker 1: that's not what I meant.

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Speaker 2: But like you know, oh, I know what you mean,

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Speaker 2: the other messages, the non blue check messages that come through.

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Speaker 1: I got you. I was not giving off that vibe.

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Speaker 1: I truly believe that, Like my energy is not like

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Speaker 1: damn me.

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Speaker 2: Sure, but listen, like I said, I think you're glowing.

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Speaker 2: You're gorgeous.

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Speaker 1: I know I am. I am in the best shape

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Speaker 1: in the world right now. More than when I was

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Speaker 1: on Dancing with the Stars.

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Speaker 2: You have great content that you're putting out about loving yourself.

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Speaker 2: It's not like it's not crossing any men's hats.

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Speaker 1: That's intimidating for men.

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Speaker 2: You know what, I don't know. I've never been attracted

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Speaker 2: to beta men's so I've never been like into a

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Speaker 2: guy that like, was ever intimidated by me anyways.

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Speaker 1: That's just never how I heard interesting.

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Speaker 2: I don't ever tend to like.

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Speaker 1: So are you attracted to the opposite, then.

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Speaker 2: I'm attracted to strong, quiet confidence, So I'm not attracted

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Speaker 2: to alpha males that are super loud and boisterous about it.

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Speaker 2: I'm attracted to more of a quiet confidence that doesn't

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Speaker 2: need to put that out to the world.

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Speaker 1: That's great considering you came from a divorce family.

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Speaker 2: Yeah, I mean I also, Cheryl, this is not my

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Speaker 2: therapy session.

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Speaker 1: What It's so true though, I mean, come on it.

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Speaker 1: People can learn from you too, girl. We are normal people.

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Speaker 1: I'm normal, We're normal humans.

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Speaker 2: Right, I do part two phase, Cheryl. I'm still I'm

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Speaker 2: not in.

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Speaker 1: Your mid thirties. You just got out of a very

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Speaker 1: long relationship. You just moved as well, Like this is

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Speaker 1: a very similar path.

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Speaker 2: Similar but haven't had the marital relationships and haven't.

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Speaker 1: But you would have, don't lie.

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Speaker 2: I would have for sure, I would have had my

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Speaker 2: relationship progress, but it did not.

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Speaker 1: Correct until you bounced good girl.

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Speaker 2: Yes, but I want to I want to go back

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Speaker 2: to you because we touched on this a minute ago

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Speaker 2: about the not dating, but I want to go back

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Speaker 2: on celibacy. So you have been very open on the

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Speaker 2: podcast about your decision to be celibate, and so I

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Speaker 2: want to know, though, where did that come from? Was

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Speaker 2: that a decision that you made on your own? Were

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Speaker 2: you inspired by somebody else that was talking about celibacy?

398
00:21:17,440 --> 00:21:21,360
Speaker 2: Was that something that came hand in hand with your sobriety?

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Speaker 2: Like kind of about where the celibacy came from?

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Speaker 1: I mean all of the above, but really what I

401
00:21:26,520 --> 00:21:30,080
Speaker 1: started laughing because it's like, well, if I'm not dating, right,

402
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Speaker 1: and I'm not necessarily like I'm not even texting like

403
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Speaker 1: anyone that I'm interested in, right, like whatever it comes

404
00:21:38,040 --> 00:21:41,360
Speaker 1: natural obviously, Like I'm also not the girl that does

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Speaker 1: like I would never I never have well I mean

406
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Speaker 1: maybe who cares, but the one night stands, like I

407
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Speaker 1: just don't especially as a sober woman and just respecting

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Speaker 1: and loving myself. Like I don't do that shit, so

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Speaker 1: it kind of.

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Speaker 2: Take anybody who does if they're into now I.

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Speaker 1: Wish I could do. I wish I could separate. Like

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Speaker 1: the thing is, you have sex with me, I fall

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Speaker 1: in love fast, so like this is not a good thing, right,

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Speaker 1: So we're working through this. We're like, Okay, well, maybe

415
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Speaker 1: it doesn't have to be so intense, like I am

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00:22:13,600 --> 00:22:17,679
Speaker 1: such an intense you know woman, Like whatever it is,

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Speaker 1: what it is.

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Speaker 2: That's really I mean I also think that.

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Speaker 1: But it hurts, like it hurt like literally, like you

420
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Speaker 1: have some with me, it's like you're screwed. And this

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00:22:25,840 --> 00:22:28,000
Speaker 1: was in the past, and I'm talking past tense, right,

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Speaker 1: and it's and the obsession, the uh not obsession like

423
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Speaker 1: scary like those weird movies, like that's not what I'm

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Speaker 1: talking about, but like the fact that like it'll completely

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Speaker 1: take over my my thought process, like this person and

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Speaker 1: the fantasy of this person, because it's not real. None

427
00:22:45,200 --> 00:22:47,960
Speaker 1: of it is real. Well the only thing that was

428
00:22:48,000 --> 00:22:51,959
Speaker 1: real with whatever happened physically that you allowed for it

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Speaker 1: to happen, right, And I think a lot of that

430
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Speaker 1: maybe back in the day when I would have casual

431
00:22:57,440 --> 00:23:01,600
Speaker 1: maybe relationships or intimacy, it really just continue to chip

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Speaker 1: away at my soul because at the end of the day,

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00:23:04,200 --> 00:23:05,480
Speaker 1: that says a lot about me. Right.

434
00:23:05,800 --> 00:23:11,560
Speaker 2: Well, yes, it's also important to have sex with feelings, though,

435
00:23:11,560 --> 00:23:15,080
Speaker 2: I mean I just personally, I think everybody can have

436
00:23:15,800 --> 00:23:19,000
Speaker 2: casual sex that means nothing, and that's fine and dandy,

437
00:23:19,359 --> 00:23:21,600
Speaker 2: but we all know that the best kind of sex

438
00:23:21,680 --> 00:23:24,440
Speaker 2: is when you have that emotional connection to somebody too.

439
00:23:24,640 --> 00:23:26,560
Speaker 1: Well, I don't think that's what I'm talking about, because

440
00:23:26,600 --> 00:23:28,000
Speaker 1: I don't think that's ever happened.

441
00:23:29,240 --> 00:23:32,360
Speaker 2: Wait, Cheryl unpacked that for me. What do you mean

442
00:23:32,440 --> 00:23:33,359
Speaker 2: that has nothing?

443
00:23:33,480 --> 00:23:35,879
Speaker 1: It has nothing to do with the person that And

444
00:23:35,920 --> 00:23:38,600
Speaker 1: I've had sex with more than one person. People. People

445
00:23:38,600 --> 00:23:41,520
Speaker 1: are going to always everything that I say always relates

446
00:23:41,560 --> 00:23:45,320
Speaker 1: to my act Like you guys, I am I have

447
00:23:45,480 --> 00:23:46,840
Speaker 1: dated more than enough.

448
00:23:47,119 --> 00:23:49,840
Speaker 2: Yes, we're being very clear. Cheryl is a grown woman.

449
00:23:50,280 --> 00:23:53,199
Speaker 1: Yes, I'm not just referring to one every time I

450
00:23:53,240 --> 00:23:55,520
Speaker 1: do a stupid TikTok. You're like, oh my god, you're

451
00:23:55,520 --> 00:23:58,280
Speaker 1: not over it. I'm like, wait, what, I've had like

452
00:23:58,400 --> 00:24:04,160
Speaker 1: twenty relationships, Like actually, anyway, so what is another thing?

453
00:24:04,880 --> 00:24:07,480
Speaker 1: That has been an ongoing conversation in my therapy session

454
00:24:07,600 --> 00:24:13,520
Speaker 1: is have I ever been vulnerable enough right to, you know,

455
00:24:13,880 --> 00:24:18,840
Speaker 1: be truly intimate? And no, because I think it was

456
00:24:18,920 --> 00:24:22,840
Speaker 1: because of my sexual abuse as a kid. So for me,

457
00:24:23,080 --> 00:24:26,960
Speaker 1: certain things are very intimate that I don't do unless

458
00:24:27,080 --> 00:24:30,040
Speaker 1: and I'm talking about physical things, unless I am one

459
00:24:30,119 --> 00:24:35,000
Speaker 1: hundred percent feeling safe, and which is very rare. I

460
00:24:35,040 --> 00:24:37,399
Speaker 1: don't remember when the last time that happened.

461
00:24:37,440 --> 00:24:42,560
Speaker 2: Actually, I think that all of that makes total sense.

462
00:24:43,119 --> 00:24:45,560
Speaker 2: It's interesting to hear you say that you struggle with

463
00:24:45,680 --> 00:24:48,199
Speaker 2: vulnerability because just in the brief amount of.

464
00:24:48,160 --> 00:24:50,720
Speaker 1: Tay intimacy, physical intimacy.

465
00:24:50,359 --> 00:24:53,280
Speaker 2: Physical intimacy is what you struggle with you you don't

466
00:24:53,680 --> 00:24:55,000
Speaker 2: you struggle with vulnerability.

467
00:24:55,920 --> 00:24:58,479
Speaker 1: It depends I'm more vulnerable. This is another thing my

468
00:24:58,520 --> 00:25:00,959
Speaker 1: therapist pointed out via zoom than I am in person.

469
00:25:01,280 --> 00:25:04,639
Speaker 2: Well, I was just about to say, in the short

470
00:25:04,640 --> 00:25:06,840
Speaker 2: amount of time that we've been each other's lives, I

471
00:25:06,880 --> 00:25:10,520
Speaker 2: feel like you've been incredibly vulnerable and an open book,

472
00:25:10,640 --> 00:25:12,560
Speaker 2: you know what I mean, Like you Jo when.

473
00:25:12,400 --> 00:25:15,640
Speaker 1: You saw me in person, Yes, I felt.

474
00:25:15,359 --> 00:25:17,840
Speaker 2: Like that when I saw you in person, you were

475
00:25:17,880 --> 00:25:20,439
Speaker 2: trying to talk to me about what yeah, going on

476
00:25:20,480 --> 00:25:24,320
Speaker 2: with me, of course, But I still think that I

477
00:25:24,359 --> 00:25:28,040
Speaker 2: didn't feel any part of you that was closed off

478
00:25:28,280 --> 00:25:30,920
Speaker 2: or evasive or anything like that.

479
00:25:31,080 --> 00:25:32,960
Speaker 1: I don't think it's so dramatic, right, I don't think

480
00:25:32,960 --> 00:25:35,600
Speaker 1: it's black and white, But I understand, Like I mean,

481
00:25:35,680 --> 00:25:37,480
Speaker 1: like if you, if me and you were like by

482
00:25:37,520 --> 00:25:40,119
Speaker 1: ourselves like I am, like with my therapist, if I

483
00:25:40,160 --> 00:25:42,600
Speaker 1: saw her face to face, which I have just recently

484
00:25:42,880 --> 00:25:47,200
Speaker 1: versus zoom. I think that it's interesting because I can

485
00:25:47,240 --> 00:25:49,920
Speaker 1: feel it. My body's uncomfortable in person when I talk

486
00:25:49,960 --> 00:25:52,400
Speaker 1: about stuff like this on one on one, let's say,

487
00:25:52,400 --> 00:25:53,800
Speaker 1: in person versus zoom.

488
00:25:54,520 --> 00:25:58,480
Speaker 2: Okay, that's interesting. Well, I kind of want to talk

489
00:25:58,480 --> 00:26:02,040
Speaker 2: about date. I know dating is not at the forefront

490
00:26:02,119 --> 00:26:03,040
Speaker 2: of your mind right now.

491
00:26:03,080 --> 00:26:04,360
Speaker 1: Is it on you? Is it on yours?

492
00:26:05,160 --> 00:26:09,000
Speaker 2: No? But my sadly, but my situation has not been

493
00:26:09,280 --> 00:26:12,200
Speaker 2: three hundred and sixty five plus days and market situation.

494
00:26:12,280 --> 00:26:15,239
Speaker 1: He's counting, but honestly, who's count Why count? No?

495
00:26:16,119 --> 00:26:19,160
Speaker 2: Also, Cheryl, if I'm just being totally honest, I am

496
00:26:19,400 --> 00:26:20,760
Speaker 2: not a bombshell like you.

497
00:26:21,240 --> 00:26:23,919
Speaker 1: Yeah, you are, shut up. That's the number one thing

498
00:26:23,920 --> 00:26:25,480
Speaker 1: that has to change.

499
00:26:25,840 --> 00:26:27,520
Speaker 2: What's the number one thing that has to change.

500
00:26:27,600 --> 00:26:29,960
Speaker 1: You need to say to yourself because you are a

501
00:26:30,000 --> 00:26:30,600
Speaker 1: freaking bomb.

502
00:26:30,640 --> 00:26:35,439
Speaker 2: You're a catch anyways, Cheryl. I want to know though,

503
00:26:35,480 --> 00:26:39,159
Speaker 2: because this is what happens with me. I I'm of

504
00:26:39,200 --> 00:26:45,159
Speaker 2: the mindset in this moment right now for me, I

505
00:26:45,200 --> 00:26:48,080
Speaker 2: don't know if I will ever date again. And I

506
00:26:48,160 --> 00:26:54,600
Speaker 2: know that that sounds really dramatic and really whoa because

507
00:26:54,640 --> 00:26:58,240
Speaker 2: I am not middle aged yet and whatnot A'm somebody

508
00:26:58,280 --> 00:27:00,440
Speaker 2: listening might right now might be like, is.

509
00:27:00,400 --> 00:27:01,760
Speaker 1: But why are you thinking so far?

510
00:27:02,440 --> 00:27:05,720
Speaker 2: Because I think similar to what you said, that it's

511
00:27:05,800 --> 00:27:10,840
Speaker 2: hard for me to connect and it's really difficult for

512
00:27:10,920 --> 00:27:16,879
Speaker 2: me to connect with men particularly. I have tons of girlfriends,

513
00:27:17,119 --> 00:27:21,359
Speaker 2: I have about zero male friends and it is just

514
00:27:21,560 --> 00:27:25,480
Speaker 2: not something that I just I don't like the small

515
00:27:25,600 --> 00:27:28,600
Speaker 2: chat with men. I don't want to talk about the

516
00:27:28,640 --> 00:27:31,160
Speaker 2: things that I want to talk about High Housewives, Bravo

517
00:27:31,280 --> 00:27:34,600
Speaker 2: like that kind of stuff. And no, I've had I've

518
00:27:34,600 --> 00:27:36,920
Speaker 2: had gay male friends in my life and I that's

519
00:27:36,960 --> 00:27:41,119
Speaker 2: not what I'm talking about. But it's like, it's very

520
00:27:41,200 --> 00:27:46,159
Speaker 2: it was. Dating was always was a struggle for me.

521
00:27:46,400 --> 00:27:47,320
Speaker 2: It was really hard.

522
00:27:47,680 --> 00:27:49,920
Speaker 1: What part of the dating was Oh my.

523
00:27:49,840 --> 00:27:54,120
Speaker 2: Gosh, the fact that I wasn't willing to get intimate

524
00:27:54,200 --> 00:27:54,720
Speaker 2: right away.

525
00:27:55,320 --> 00:27:56,800
Speaker 1: Is this prior to your boyfriend?

526
00:27:57,480 --> 00:28:00,000
Speaker 2: Yeah, when I was dating like heavily days.

527
00:28:00,200 --> 00:28:01,199
Speaker 1: But how long ago was that?

528
00:28:02,080 --> 00:28:02,800
Speaker 2: Ten years ago?

529
00:28:03,119 --> 00:28:15,639
Speaker 1: Yeah? Things have changed, I think supposedly. Do you believe

530
00:28:15,680 --> 00:28:18,200
Speaker 1: that you're making it impossible for yourself because you feel

531
00:28:18,200 --> 00:28:20,440
Speaker 1: like you need to say why you're not willing to

532
00:28:20,520 --> 00:28:24,000
Speaker 1: date instead of just saying I'm just not into dating period.

533
00:28:24,080 --> 00:28:28,359
Speaker 2: No, I'm pretty open. I think also with my therapist

534
00:28:28,480 --> 00:28:32,040
Speaker 2: and with my circle that I'm not interested in dating

535
00:28:32,119 --> 00:28:33,600
Speaker 2: at all right now. I don't think I have the

536
00:28:33,640 --> 00:28:39,840
Speaker 2: capacity anyways. But because also I remember how much effort

537
00:28:39,880 --> 00:28:42,560
Speaker 2: it took when I did date. So when I was single,

538
00:28:42,960 --> 00:28:45,000
Speaker 2: I did the blind dates, I did the setups, I

539
00:28:45,040 --> 00:28:48,560
Speaker 2: did online dating, I did group dating. I did set up.

540
00:28:48,480 --> 00:28:50,440
Speaker 1: With people were group dating.

541
00:28:50,920 --> 00:28:54,480
Speaker 2: Oh, there used to be a website back in any

542
00:28:54,520 --> 00:28:58,200
Speaker 2: of the thousands that was called grouper, And you went

543
00:28:58,320 --> 00:29:01,440
Speaker 2: on and signed up to go on a group date,

544
00:29:01,640 --> 00:29:05,040
Speaker 2: and what they were weird be paid for it in advance,

545
00:29:05,640 --> 00:29:09,360
Speaker 2: and the company made the reservation and you all met

546
00:29:09,480 --> 00:29:10,840
Speaker 2: up at said place.

547
00:29:11,320 --> 00:29:13,600
Speaker 1: Wow, you really put way more effort than I ever

548
00:29:13,760 --> 00:29:14,800
Speaker 1: have or will.

549
00:29:15,040 --> 00:29:18,240
Speaker 2: That's why I think that to me is the overwhelming

550
00:29:18,320 --> 00:29:20,280
Speaker 2: thing that makes me not want to get back out

551
00:29:20,280 --> 00:29:23,040
Speaker 2: there is I know how much effort I put in

552
00:29:23,200 --> 00:29:27,120
Speaker 2: to get to my ten year relationship, and I don't

553
00:29:27,120 --> 00:29:30,360
Speaker 2: have the stamina and the mental ensor okay to put

554
00:29:30,480 --> 00:29:31,360
Speaker 2: myself through that.

555
00:29:31,360 --> 00:29:33,200
Speaker 1: Again right now today.

556
00:29:33,280 --> 00:29:35,920
Speaker 2: You don't today, right now, in this moment. But that's

557
00:29:35,920 --> 00:29:38,880
Speaker 2: why I want to know for you that has had

558
00:29:38,960 --> 00:29:43,360
Speaker 2: the time physically the distance. You have more distance between

559
00:29:43,360 --> 00:29:45,800
Speaker 2: your relationship than I do. Right now. I want to

560
00:29:45,840 --> 00:29:49,040
Speaker 2: know why you're at this place where you're not putting

561
00:29:49,040 --> 00:29:51,560
Speaker 2: the effort into dating or interested in putting into it

562
00:29:51,640 --> 00:29:53,280
Speaker 2: right now in your life.

563
00:29:52,960 --> 00:29:54,880
Speaker 1: Because I'm putting it into me. Because I was a

564
00:29:54,880 --> 00:29:58,280
Speaker 1: serial dater, right so, I dated from the age good

565
00:29:58,280 --> 00:30:01,480
Speaker 1: old ripe age of thirteen until three years ago, back

566
00:30:01,520 --> 00:30:04,880
Speaker 1: to back. I'm not even joking, not even a day, okay,

567
00:30:05,040 --> 00:30:07,360
Speaker 1: like it was back to back to back. And these

568
00:30:07,360 --> 00:30:09,680
Speaker 1: are all serious relationships. But because I was so scared

569
00:30:09,720 --> 00:30:12,840
Speaker 1: of being lonely, I always had a backup plan. That

570
00:30:12,920 --> 00:30:14,960
Speaker 1: sounds so bad, but it's true.

571
00:30:15,160 --> 00:30:19,040
Speaker 2: But Cheryl, I know people exactly like you. I know

572
00:30:19,160 --> 00:30:22,200
Speaker 2: a lot of women specifically just like that.

573
00:30:22,440 --> 00:30:25,560
Speaker 1: It's scary it's fear of being alone in your own head,

574
00:30:25,960 --> 00:30:28,520
Speaker 1: your voice and your voices in your head, the thoughts

575
00:30:28,520 --> 00:30:33,440
Speaker 1: that you think about about yourself. It isn't necessarily enticing,

576
00:30:33,680 --> 00:30:36,360
Speaker 1: right You're not like I look forward to it, No,

577
00:30:36,520 --> 00:30:38,440
Speaker 1: But then you do it, and then you realize, oh,

578
00:30:38,440 --> 00:30:40,280
Speaker 1: it's not that bad. And by the way, everyone thinks

579
00:30:40,320 --> 00:30:43,959
Speaker 1: like this about themselves and it's normal, but it's so empowering.

580
00:30:44,040 --> 00:30:48,120
Speaker 1: And I you know, like how the time is really

581
00:30:48,280 --> 00:30:51,239
Speaker 1: just an illusion? Like for me, I see it. I

582
00:30:51,240 --> 00:30:52,840
Speaker 1: was just saying this to my sister. She wants me

583
00:30:52,920 --> 00:30:54,600
Speaker 1: to do her makeup for her wedding, and I've been

584
00:30:54,640 --> 00:30:58,240
Speaker 1: like freaking out about that. Anyway, that's a whole nother podcast.

585
00:30:58,400 --> 00:31:02,479
Speaker 1: But I have been like saying to my sister of like,

586
00:31:03,520 --> 00:31:05,640
Speaker 1: I don't even know how much time has gone by

587
00:31:05,920 --> 00:31:10,280
Speaker 1: since my last relationship or whatever. But I also it's like,

588
00:31:10,320 --> 00:31:13,800
Speaker 1: you know, when something's just not in your zeitgeist, Yeah,

589
00:31:14,760 --> 00:31:18,800
Speaker 1: like it is not not even close to a priority

590
00:31:18,880 --> 00:31:24,280
Speaker 1: right now. And I am being so selfish in a

591
00:31:24,280 --> 00:31:26,920
Speaker 1: good way that I've never done this before in my life.

592
00:31:26,960 --> 00:31:29,120
Speaker 1: Like I said, I was a serial dater for twenty

593
00:31:29,200 --> 00:31:32,680
Speaker 1: years of my life, thirty just kidding thirty years.

594
00:31:32,800 --> 00:31:36,560
Speaker 2: Can I say, because I during my single period last time,

595
00:31:36,800 --> 00:31:39,080
Speaker 2: I felt like I got really good at being single.

596
00:31:39,160 --> 00:31:40,440
Speaker 1: Do you feel lonely ever?

597
00:31:41,480 --> 00:31:44,240
Speaker 2: I felt lonely a lot of times, but I still

598
00:31:44,320 --> 00:31:47,680
Speaker 2: pushed through and made myself do things alone because I

599
00:31:47,760 --> 00:31:51,880
Speaker 2: wasn't going to miss out on activities and memories because

600
00:31:51,880 --> 00:31:56,400
Speaker 2: I didn't have somebody. And I felt that my relationship

601
00:31:56,560 --> 00:32:01,440
Speaker 2: came into my life when I was fully secure in

602
00:32:01,560 --> 00:32:06,560
Speaker 2: being alone, and throughout my relationship, I still did things

603
00:32:06,560 --> 00:32:11,320
Speaker 2: alone and never allowed myself to become codependent. Now maybe

604
00:32:11,320 --> 00:32:13,479
Speaker 2: that was a problem, maybe it wasn't. I don't know,

605
00:32:13,560 --> 00:32:16,479
Speaker 2: but that's who I was and am still. But I

606
00:32:16,520 --> 00:32:18,320
Speaker 2: want to ask you because some of the things I

607
00:32:18,400 --> 00:32:22,760
Speaker 2: did when I was single was like I went traveled

608
00:32:22,760 --> 00:32:26,320
Speaker 2: overseas by myself, went to the movies by myself. I

609
00:32:26,440 --> 00:32:29,560
Speaker 2: just did. The last Sunday, I went to a restaurant,

610
00:32:29,600 --> 00:32:32,120
Speaker 2: sat outside at the table by myself, had my lunch,

611
00:32:32,160 --> 00:32:34,440
Speaker 2: had my coffee, did not look at my cell phone,

612
00:32:34,520 --> 00:32:37,920
Speaker 2: did not bring a book, fully sat there in the

613
00:32:37,920 --> 00:32:41,920
Speaker 2: sun around mind you, this was a crowded restaurant, people

614
00:32:42,000 --> 00:32:44,200
Speaker 2: all around me. So I want to know, when's the

615
00:32:44,280 --> 00:32:46,560
Speaker 2: last time you did any of those things, Cheryl.

616
00:32:46,880 --> 00:32:49,320
Speaker 1: I always, I mean the ballroom dancer in me right, So,

617
00:32:49,440 --> 00:32:51,560
Speaker 1: like I traveled the world alone all the time. But

618
00:32:52,000 --> 00:32:54,840
Speaker 1: so that's just like was that for work or for pleasure? No?

619
00:32:55,000 --> 00:32:56,600
Speaker 1: For pleasure? I was dating someone in England?

620
00:32:57,000 --> 00:32:59,240
Speaker 2: Okay, but no, no, no, so you were dating somebody.

621
00:32:59,240 --> 00:33:01,280
Speaker 1: So also now I won't travel around the world because

622
00:33:01,280 --> 00:33:05,280
Speaker 1: of my dog. They don't let the dogs go internationally, Okay,

623
00:33:05,760 --> 00:33:08,400
Speaker 1: But yes, I always, I mean I don't always cause

624
00:33:08,440 --> 00:33:10,280
Speaker 1: I don't always leave. But yeah, I have no fear

625
00:33:10,320 --> 00:33:12,200
Speaker 1: with I just don't like the movies. I think it's

626
00:33:12,240 --> 00:33:15,360
Speaker 1: a dirty place and I just can't sit still. And

627
00:33:15,400 --> 00:33:18,239
Speaker 1: I have no interest in watching a movie elsewhere when

628
00:33:18,240 --> 00:33:21,440
Speaker 1: I can watch it here if I wanted to. But

629
00:33:21,560 --> 00:33:24,040
Speaker 1: I'd rather watch the O. J. Simpson docu series at

630
00:33:24,040 --> 00:33:28,360
Speaker 1: this moment. Any who. But as far as restaurants go, yeah,

631
00:33:28,400 --> 00:33:29,920
Speaker 1: I mean, I have no fear with that. Like that

632
00:33:30,040 --> 00:33:32,400
Speaker 1: is okay for me. But I don't know if I

633
00:33:32,400 --> 00:33:35,000
Speaker 1: could do the whole no phone thing. It's part of it,

634
00:33:35,000 --> 00:33:38,760
Speaker 1: it's part of it, and it's intentional, that's very intentional.

635
00:33:39,080 --> 00:33:40,680
Speaker 1: But yeah, I guess I could. I mean, I could

636
00:33:40,720 --> 00:33:43,920
Speaker 1: definitely keep I mean people watching. It's a thing, you know.

637
00:33:44,480 --> 00:33:46,960
Speaker 2: I will say I fully was invested in the people

638
00:33:47,000 --> 00:33:49,160
Speaker 2: sitting next to me in their conversation that they were

639
00:33:49,160 --> 00:33:52,640
Speaker 2: having having. I mean, I couldn't help the guy was

640
00:33:52,680 --> 00:33:55,680
Speaker 2: getting next to me and talking. So when you're not

641
00:33:55,800 --> 00:33:57,840
Speaker 2: looking at your phone, I just I just listened.

642
00:33:57,960 --> 00:33:59,800
Speaker 1: And did people come up to you? Did like any

643
00:33:59,840 --> 00:34:00,480
Speaker 1: high dudes?

644
00:34:00,840 --> 00:34:03,840
Speaker 2: No, No, nobody came up to me. But I'm just

645
00:34:03,920 --> 00:34:09,040
Speaker 2: saying that for anybody listening, those are some small kinds

646
00:34:09,080 --> 00:34:12,759
Speaker 2: of challenges that you can do for yourself while you're

647
00:34:12,760 --> 00:34:16,719
Speaker 2: in this. Before this, I do Part two era, because

648
00:34:17,040 --> 00:34:20,160
Speaker 2: you don't know what's going to happen if you don't

649
00:34:20,160 --> 00:34:22,880
Speaker 2: put yourself out there. And I know Cheryl doesn't like

650
00:34:22,920 --> 00:34:24,120
Speaker 2: going to the movies by herself.

651
00:34:24,239 --> 00:34:25,919
Speaker 1: I don't like to go to the movies period, even

652
00:34:25,960 --> 00:34:27,760
Speaker 1: with somebody, sure, But going.

653
00:34:27,520 --> 00:34:30,400
Speaker 2: To the movies alone is I think one of the

654
00:34:30,560 --> 00:34:33,560
Speaker 2: easiest entry points to doing things alone because it is

655
00:34:33,600 --> 00:34:38,680
Speaker 2: a dark theater, it is quiet. Nobody is going to notice.

656
00:34:38,239 --> 00:34:39,960
Speaker 1: And nobody's going to be there. No one goes to

657
00:34:40,040 --> 00:34:41,160
Speaker 1: the movies, but you're in my sister.

658
00:34:41,320 --> 00:34:43,279
Speaker 2: Some people go to the movie, Cheryl. But I'm just

659
00:34:43,320 --> 00:34:46,200
Speaker 2: saying that's an easy way to start, because some people

660
00:34:46,200 --> 00:34:48,359
Speaker 2: are like, go to a restaurant alone that is way

661
00:34:48,360 --> 00:34:51,160
Speaker 2: too daunting, you know what I mean? Andy, By the way,

662
00:34:51,440 --> 00:34:55,080
Speaker 2: do everything in safety first, So don't go to environments

663
00:34:55,160 --> 00:34:59,360
Speaker 2: that make you feel uncomfortable, or at night, or drinking

664
00:34:59,400 --> 00:35:00,600
Speaker 2: alcohol alone.

665
00:35:00,400 --> 00:35:02,000
Speaker 1: Working underground garages.

666
00:35:02,719 --> 00:35:05,600
Speaker 2: Don't put yourself I'm not saying put yourself in uncomfortable

667
00:35:05,640 --> 00:35:09,160
Speaker 2: situations where your safety is jeopardized, but I think that's

668
00:35:09,280 --> 00:35:14,279
Speaker 2: part of you know, doing this whole experience of your

669
00:35:14,320 --> 00:35:18,399
Speaker 2: next chapter in life is putting yourself into situations where

670
00:35:18,440 --> 00:35:21,240
Speaker 2: you are alone. I will say I traveled to Greece

671
00:35:21,400 --> 00:35:25,520
Speaker 2: by myself and it was I've also traveled to Paris

672
00:35:25,520 --> 00:35:28,640
Speaker 2: by myself, but I will say Greece was a really

673
00:35:28,800 --> 00:35:34,800
Speaker 2: exciting trip for me because it was inexpensive, it was warm,

674
00:35:35,200 --> 00:35:38,920
Speaker 2: and the people were incredibly friendly. So nobody asked me

675
00:35:39,400 --> 00:35:42,400
Speaker 2: where is my husband? Where is my boyfriend? It was

676
00:35:42,520 --> 00:35:46,560
Speaker 2: all about being by myself having this experience. I will

677
00:35:46,560 --> 00:35:49,680
Speaker 2: say it was difficult to take pictures of myself on vacation.

678
00:35:49,840 --> 00:35:54,200
Speaker 2: That was fun. But I really do encourage everybody to

679
00:35:55,280 --> 00:35:59,000
Speaker 2: have some sort of eat, prey love experience, you know,

680
00:35:59,280 --> 00:36:02,600
Speaker 2: post break up, post divorce, whatever it might be, because

681
00:36:03,280 --> 00:36:06,719
Speaker 2: you do get a sense of that the world is

682
00:36:06,760 --> 00:36:10,840
Speaker 2: so big that maybe your problems are your problems, but

683
00:36:10,880 --> 00:36:13,720
Speaker 2: there's so much more out there to experience in life.

684
00:36:13,800 --> 00:36:17,239
Speaker 2: And I just encourage anybody that maybe is going through

685
00:36:17,280 --> 00:36:20,440
Speaker 2: that too. I started with a small weekend trip honestly

686
00:36:20,480 --> 00:36:23,880
Speaker 2: before I went overseas. So I went from Los Angeles

687
00:36:23,920 --> 00:36:27,239
Speaker 2: to Big Sir one weekend. I went on Valentine's Day once.

688
00:36:27,760 --> 00:36:30,480
Speaker 1: I love Big Sir. I also think you should do

689
00:36:30,520 --> 00:36:32,719
Speaker 1: all of this when you're in relationships. I don't think

690
00:36:32,719 --> 00:36:36,080
Speaker 1: it's just about post anything right prior to anything. It's

691
00:36:36,160 --> 00:36:40,720
Speaker 1: like because it just reminds you that you are loved

692
00:36:40,760 --> 00:36:44,000
Speaker 1: by yourself, Like this is part of self care. And

693
00:36:44,800 --> 00:36:48,239
Speaker 1: I just remember in my past relationships, not just this

694
00:36:48,360 --> 00:36:51,719
Speaker 1: last one. Sorry, I have to, like you make it clear.

695
00:36:52,760 --> 00:36:56,279
Speaker 1: I remember that those moments of like, okay, you know,

696
00:36:56,320 --> 00:36:58,120
Speaker 1: you do your thing. I do my thing. There was

697
00:36:58,160 --> 00:37:00,719
Speaker 1: a lot of insecurity there, like a lot of like

698
00:37:00,760 --> 00:37:02,960
Speaker 1: what ifs, what ifs, what ifs, what ifs they're gonna

699
00:37:02,960 --> 00:37:06,440
Speaker 1: do whatever they're gonna do with with you being like

700
00:37:06,520 --> 00:37:08,759
Speaker 1: in a relationship with you or without you, like there's

701
00:37:08,800 --> 00:37:11,960
Speaker 1: no control over that. But this is this if you

702
00:37:12,120 --> 00:37:13,680
Speaker 1: really want to ask, like why are you so single?

703
00:37:13,719 --> 00:37:16,239
Speaker 1: Because there's so much of the patterns that I want

704
00:37:16,239 --> 00:37:19,239
Speaker 1: to change, first and foremost for myself that I don't

705
00:37:19,320 --> 00:37:25,480
Speaker 1: want to be feeling or like not believing the thoughts

706
00:37:25,480 --> 00:37:29,160
Speaker 1: in my head that start to get worried that someone's

707
00:37:29,200 --> 00:37:31,960
Speaker 1: gonna cheat, someone's going to do this, someone's gonna lie.

708
00:37:32,040 --> 00:37:36,160
Speaker 1: And there's always that like that fear instilled in my

709
00:37:37,000 --> 00:37:40,040
Speaker 1: identity because of you know, my first memory with seeing

710
00:37:40,040 --> 00:37:42,560
Speaker 1: my father with another woman, like at two, and like

711
00:37:42,800 --> 00:37:45,399
Speaker 1: there's just all of that like and regardless, like I'm

712
00:37:45,400 --> 00:37:47,720
Speaker 1: not blame. It is what it is as my past

713
00:37:47,760 --> 00:37:49,920
Speaker 1: and I've moved forward. But in order for me to

714
00:37:50,040 --> 00:37:52,960
Speaker 1: move forward, I need to first of all put that

715
00:37:53,040 --> 00:37:56,520
Speaker 1: to rest, like all those feelings of insecurity and jealousy

716
00:37:56,560 --> 00:37:57,040
Speaker 1: and all of it.

717
00:37:57,719 --> 00:37:59,680
Speaker 2: Yeah, I mean, this is what's so great about you

718
00:37:59,719 --> 00:38:01,920
Speaker 2: should is that you are doing the work and you

719
00:38:02,080 --> 00:38:05,000
Speaker 2: know what your lines are. And I think that that's great.

720
00:38:06,280 --> 00:38:07,840
Speaker 2: We touched on it just a second ago, but I

721
00:38:07,840 --> 00:38:10,080
Speaker 2: do want to talk about it is Valentine's Day this week?

722
00:38:10,080 --> 00:38:12,759
Speaker 2: How do you feel about Valentine's Day? Did you have

723
00:38:12,840 --> 00:38:15,880
Speaker 2: thoughts about Valentine's Day when you were in a relationship

724
00:38:16,000 --> 00:38:17,759
Speaker 2: versus what you have now, Like what do you think

725
00:38:17,800 --> 00:38:18,200
Speaker 2: about it?

726
00:38:18,600 --> 00:38:21,080
Speaker 1: I have no thoughts about it, except but when I

727
00:38:21,120 --> 00:38:23,840
Speaker 1: was in a relationship, the amount of pressure it was

728
00:38:23,840 --> 00:38:26,880
Speaker 1: always like we have to go on a trip. You

729
00:38:26,960 --> 00:38:28,279
Speaker 1: have to get me, like you're gonna get me a

730
00:38:28,320 --> 00:38:32,280
Speaker 1: bunch of roses, right, Like, and if you're with somebody,

731
00:38:32,360 --> 00:38:35,120
Speaker 1: mind you, I've been in other relationships. And if you

732
00:38:35,160 --> 00:38:37,960
Speaker 1: are with somebody who may not be so good at

733
00:38:38,000 --> 00:38:43,160
Speaker 1: planning ahead or like always comes up with a oh,

734
00:38:43,200 --> 00:38:45,440
Speaker 1: I just haven't had the time. It's like it's just

735
00:38:45,480 --> 00:38:48,239
Speaker 1: a Debbie downer because the expectations. You see all these

736
00:38:48,239 --> 00:38:53,200
Speaker 1: instagram like rose pedals, like going from a mile away

737
00:38:53,400 --> 00:38:59,319
Speaker 1: to their you know whatever, wherever they're staying anyway, they's sanctuary.

738
00:38:59,360 --> 00:39:02,000
Speaker 1: It's like so mantic and picture perfect. And then you're like, great,

739
00:39:02,040 --> 00:39:04,640
Speaker 1: I got twelve, I got a dozen roses? Great, right,

740
00:39:04,920 --> 00:39:08,719
Speaker 1: And it's just like it's just it's the for me

741
00:39:08,800 --> 00:39:11,200
Speaker 1: because of my expectations. Now, if I were a Yogi

742
00:39:11,440 --> 00:39:14,640
Speaker 1: and I had no expectations, then man, would it be amazing.

743
00:39:14,680 --> 00:39:15,600
Speaker 1: It'd probably be amazing.

744
00:39:16,080 --> 00:39:19,320
Speaker 2: I mean, I hear that. I think that social media

745
00:39:19,480 --> 00:39:24,279
Speaker 2: has really turned the dial on so many people and

746
00:39:24,440 --> 00:39:28,120
Speaker 2: how we view our relationships through this faith. But I

747
00:39:28,200 --> 00:39:31,000
Speaker 2: want to know, what do you think somebody should be

748
00:39:31,040 --> 00:39:35,520
Speaker 2: doing this Valentine's Day that is single, Like should I

749
00:39:35,560 --> 00:39:38,239
Speaker 2: don't know, should they have a journaling session? Should they

750
00:39:38,280 --> 00:39:41,200
Speaker 2: be having not? They don't want to do the ins

751
00:39:41,360 --> 00:39:42,839
Speaker 2: like writing stuff down and.

752
00:39:42,760 --> 00:39:44,879
Speaker 1: Burning it, like you should be doing that tonight. There's

753
00:39:44,880 --> 00:39:46,880
Speaker 1: a full moon, so love it.

754
00:39:47,480 --> 00:39:47,799
Speaker 2: Love it?

755
00:39:47,880 --> 00:39:50,640
Speaker 1: Yeah, so you should be doing that tonight. Okay there,

756
00:39:51,400 --> 00:39:54,759
Speaker 1: But as far as I think honestly, when you give

757
00:39:54,800 --> 00:39:58,319
Speaker 1: anything so much energy right, like it's just I don't know,

758
00:39:58,760 --> 00:40:01,480
Speaker 1: maybe you do want to do something, maybe when do gallantines?

759
00:40:01,520 --> 00:40:03,839
Speaker 1: Like for me, I have a little sweater that I

760
00:40:03,920 --> 00:40:07,640
Speaker 1: was gifted from pr says Isabella on it. It's pink

761
00:40:07,640 --> 00:40:10,680
Speaker 1: and it has a heart. That's what I'm doing to celebrate.

762
00:40:10,760 --> 00:40:14,120
Speaker 1: And I'll be probably in this room maybe shooting content

763
00:40:14,320 --> 00:40:17,440
Speaker 1: on a how to do Valentine's Day makeup? Like I

764
00:40:17,440 --> 00:40:20,080
Speaker 1: don't freaking know, I don't know, you know what I'm doing.

765
00:40:20,120 --> 00:40:22,960
Speaker 1: I'm probably working. Most likely I don't have my calendar

766
00:40:22,960 --> 00:40:25,800
Speaker 1: in front of me. It's just another day. And another dollar.

767
00:40:26,320 --> 00:40:29,400
Speaker 2: Yeah, and listen, I think anybody who maybe this is

768
00:40:29,440 --> 00:40:32,560
Speaker 2: their first Valentine's Day post split.

769
00:40:32,239 --> 00:40:34,520
Speaker 1: Stop looking on social media. Then don't even do it.

770
00:40:34,800 --> 00:40:36,680
Speaker 2: Agree, don't open the app.

771
00:40:36,960 --> 00:40:39,720
Speaker 1: And if you do it, realize that it's not picture perfect.

772
00:40:39,719 --> 00:40:43,320
Speaker 1: They're probably fighting right now as you're looking at their posts. Okay,

773
00:40:43,520 --> 00:40:46,360
Speaker 1: they're probably literally like that's not enough rose petals? How

774
00:40:46,440 --> 00:40:48,640
Speaker 1: dare you? It wasn't white enough, those white roses like

775
00:40:48,640 --> 00:40:50,759
Speaker 1: stuff like that, Like you don't want you should just

776
00:40:50,760 --> 00:40:53,440
Speaker 1: be counting your blessings you're single, or.

777
00:40:53,440 --> 00:40:55,719
Speaker 2: Take a page out of Cheryl's book and maybe like

778
00:40:56,120 --> 00:40:58,680
Speaker 2: order something for yourself to be delivered.

779
00:40:59,120 --> 00:41:00,960
Speaker 1: Yeah, just go shop. I do it every day. Every

780
00:41:01,040 --> 00:41:02,160
Speaker 1: day is Valentine's Day.

781
00:41:02,320 --> 00:41:05,920
Speaker 2: Buy yourself the flowers, or have some ice cream delivered.

782
00:41:06,040 --> 00:41:08,759
Speaker 1: You can get in person delivered too, Supposedly, who knows.

783
00:41:09,200 --> 00:41:11,799
Speaker 2: I said to myself, I need some cute jammies. So

784
00:41:11,880 --> 00:41:15,360
Speaker 2: I just ordered jammys, ordered some new slippers.

785
00:41:15,600 --> 00:41:18,319
Speaker 1: There's some great sales right now, you guys. Go on

786
00:41:18,360 --> 00:41:19,880
Speaker 1: my shop LTK for more info.

787
00:41:20,600 --> 00:41:22,840
Speaker 2: I love that Cheryl. Cheryl's a hustler.

788
00:41:23,160 --> 00:41:24,239
Speaker 1: I just had to plug that in.

789
00:41:24,600 --> 00:41:25,279
Speaker 2: No, I love it.

790
00:41:25,360 --> 00:41:27,200
Speaker 1: How about this just hug yourself like that. You don't

791
00:41:27,239 --> 00:41:29,680
Speaker 1: understand it. That's powerful. It is a powerful thing. You

792
00:41:29,680 --> 00:41:32,960
Speaker 1: know you hug you hug you. Hugging yourself is really

793
00:41:33,040 --> 00:41:36,400
Speaker 1: like all you need. I'm joking, I'm not trying to

794
00:41:36,440 --> 00:41:38,800
Speaker 1: be corny, but that's the easiest thing. And then also

795
00:41:38,840 --> 00:41:41,040
Speaker 1: in the mirror when you're brushing your teeth, you need

796
00:41:41,080 --> 00:41:44,440
Speaker 1: to say how much you love yourself, like I you

797
00:41:44,480 --> 00:41:46,560
Speaker 1: know what? You know what? Don't even say I love you.

798
00:41:46,560 --> 00:41:48,400
Speaker 1: You need to do what mel Robbins does and she

799
00:41:48,480 --> 00:41:51,839
Speaker 1: does this. She gives herself literally like this a high

800
00:41:51,920 --> 00:41:54,960
Speaker 1: five and it just gets her to laugh. And I

801
00:41:55,160 --> 00:41:57,880
Speaker 1: did that straight for like six months. It really changed

802
00:41:57,880 --> 00:41:58,359
Speaker 1: my day.

803
00:41:59,440 --> 00:42:02,680
Speaker 2: Before me go, Cheryl is just because we are in

804
00:42:02,760 --> 00:42:04,520
Speaker 2: the Valentine's Day zone?

805
00:42:05,160 --> 00:42:07,360
Speaker 1: Do you have any forcing this down my throat or.

806
00:42:07,760 --> 00:42:12,560
Speaker 2: Have any funny Valentine's Day stories from It's not necessarily funny.

807
00:42:12,600 --> 00:42:15,839
Speaker 1: It's more like why why, Like it's almost like I

808
00:42:15,920 --> 00:42:18,799
Speaker 1: was always the type and I'm speaking past tense where

809
00:42:18,840 --> 00:42:20,960
Speaker 1: I would be in a relationship and it's like, Okay,

810
00:42:21,000 --> 00:42:22,759
Speaker 1: clearly he's not gonna do it for me, so I'm

811
00:42:22,800 --> 00:42:24,239
Speaker 1: gonna do it. And then it look like that he

812
00:42:24,280 --> 00:42:26,080
Speaker 1: did it for me like I so I was like

813
00:42:26,320 --> 00:42:31,480
Speaker 1: the person who micromanaged, right, like the.

814
00:42:30,800 --> 00:42:32,640
Speaker 2: The Instagram girlfriends.

815
00:42:32,160 --> 00:42:35,040
Speaker 1: I planned the cancuon trips, I planned the you know,

816
00:42:35,080 --> 00:42:38,120
Speaker 1: it's Valentine's Day. And then it was like it's always

817
00:42:38,120 --> 00:42:41,480
Speaker 1: something day to celebrate, and it was always like, you know,

818
00:42:41,680 --> 00:42:44,000
Speaker 1: free trips because when you're in a relationship and you

819
00:42:44,000 --> 00:42:49,040
Speaker 1: know you have a following, they offer free sandals, Saint Lucia.

820
00:42:49,200 --> 00:42:51,399
Speaker 1: It's like it's always And then like, guess who does

821
00:42:51,400 --> 00:42:53,560
Speaker 1: all the booking? Like I might as well be a

822
00:42:53,600 --> 00:42:57,160
Speaker 1: travel agent, you know, in just organizing everything. And then

823
00:42:57,239 --> 00:42:59,799
Speaker 1: you're like, wait a second, this is supposed to be

824
00:43:00,080 --> 00:43:03,200
Speaker 1: celebrated together, like this day is not just about right,

825
00:43:03,280 --> 00:43:05,880
Speaker 1: and then resentment built. It's a whole thing. You guys

826
00:43:05,960 --> 00:43:08,799
Speaker 1: and I don't think when we scroll through Instagram, though

827
00:43:09,000 --> 00:43:12,000
Speaker 1: our lazy brain is active. Right when we're doing this,

828
00:43:12,239 --> 00:43:15,400
Speaker 1: just remind yourself that this is probably what's happening in

829
00:43:15,440 --> 00:43:22,520
Speaker 1: that relationship. Romantic it looks beautiful, it's not reality, no,

830
00:43:22,680 --> 00:43:26,479
Speaker 1: because it's really I mean, just remember all those doubt,

831
00:43:26,560 --> 00:43:29,960
Speaker 1: those times where you were just like like really like

832
00:43:30,040 --> 00:43:32,040
Speaker 1: you just didn't feel loved you didn't feel seen, you

833
00:43:32,040 --> 00:43:35,360
Speaker 1: didn't feel heard, and you know what, you're gonna have

834
00:43:35,360 --> 00:43:37,439
Speaker 1: to do that for yourself or learn how to, because

835
00:43:37,440 --> 00:43:39,520
Speaker 1: then you'll never need it from anybody, And then that's

836
00:43:39,600 --> 00:43:44,000
Speaker 1: when you're superhero soul mate. There's no such thing comes

837
00:43:44,000 --> 00:43:44,720
Speaker 1: into your life.

838
00:43:44,800 --> 00:43:48,160
Speaker 2: You know, this kind of felt like a mini therapy session, Cheryl,

839
00:43:48,280 --> 00:43:49,400
Speaker 2: So they did there.

840
00:43:50,040 --> 00:43:52,120
Speaker 1: You know what, thanks for joining me. This was it

841
00:43:52,160 --> 00:43:55,359
Speaker 1: went by so fast, like and I really believe I

842
00:43:55,440 --> 00:43:57,720
Speaker 1: know it was about me, but it's not. It's about

843
00:43:57,920 --> 00:44:00,400
Speaker 1: anybody who wants to talk about their story. So thank you.

844
00:44:00,480 --> 00:44:02,640
Speaker 1: And you know, a lot of people are going to

845
00:44:02,680 --> 00:44:05,719
Speaker 1: be able to relate to this, and you've helped so many.

846
00:44:06,400 --> 00:44:09,680
Speaker 1: I know that for a fact, including myself. So if

847
00:44:09,719 --> 00:44:14,400
Speaker 1: you're like me or like Heather single navigating life post

848
00:44:14,440 --> 00:44:17,399
Speaker 1: divorce in my case, do you want some advice, call

849
00:44:17,480 --> 00:44:20,440
Speaker 1: us or email us, follow us on socials. All the

850
00:44:20,480 --> 00:44:23,239
Speaker 1: information will be in the show notes. Make sure to

851
00:44:23,440 --> 00:44:26,879
Speaker 1: rate and review the podcast. I Do Part two an

852
00:44:26,920 --> 00:44:31,319
Speaker 1: iHeartRadio podcast where falling in love is the main objective.

853
00:44:31,960 --> 00:44:41,200
Speaker 1: Maybe