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Speaker 1: Hey, guess what. It is almost twenty twenty two, and

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Speaker 1: it's going to come quicker than you think. Guys, if

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Speaker 1: you haven't secured your ticket to the Good Vibe Retreat

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Speaker 1: in Costa Rica the end of January and the beginning

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Speaker 1: of February, now is the time.

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Speaker 2: Tell your friends, tell your husband that you're out, and

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Speaker 2: come hang out with us in the jungle, a group

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Speaker 2: of like minded women. We're there to heal, connect, talk

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Speaker 2: our shit, relax, take sexy pictures on the beach.

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Speaker 1: And drink, eat good food and be merry. And if

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Speaker 1: you're not a mom, that does not matter. We want

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Speaker 1: every woman to feel included and to come. This is

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Speaker 1: for women. This is for women who need to put

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Speaker 1: themselves first, which is every woman. So if you're not

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Speaker 1: a mom, don't let that hinder you from coming. This

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Speaker 1: is a community event where anyone can come that is

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Speaker 1: wanting to grow and heal and have fun.

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Speaker 2: And it's an all in inclusive experience. So we've handled

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Speaker 2: all the heavy lifting. All you have to do is

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Speaker 2: show up, be yourself and be ready to open yourself

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Speaker 2: up to all of the beautiful magic that Costa Rica

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Speaker 2: has to offer. So make sure you go to Good

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Speaker 2: Momsbad Choices dot Com, backslash retreats, or just click the

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Speaker 2: link in this episode description to secure your spot today.

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Speaker 2: See you soon. Welcome back to Good Mom's Bad Choices.

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Speaker 2: I'm Erica and I'm Nila. Happy Wednesday, My love, Happy Wednesday,

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Speaker 2: My love. How are you feeling.

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Speaker 1: I'm good.

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Speaker 2: I'm good.

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Speaker 1: It's you know, I don't know what day this is

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Speaker 1: going to find you. But the day that we recorded it,

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Speaker 1: it was wrapping up mercury grade, and we have been

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Speaker 1: mercury grade.

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Speaker 2: Mercury someone said, someone said, mercury is and micro braids. No,

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Speaker 2: someone said today. My friend was like, because he thinks

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Speaker 2: I'm ridiculous because I was like, I'm not buying a phone.

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Speaker 2: I'm not buying a phone because it's mercury retrograde and

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Speaker 2: it ends on Monday. And he was like, and I

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Speaker 2: was like, I already know you're gonna say like if

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Speaker 2: you put power behind things, and because it's time of Nigga,

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Speaker 2: he is. But today he was like, I think mercury

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Speaker 2: is like running out of gatorade today, so I think

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Speaker 2: you'll be good.

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Speaker 1: Somebody, somebody in the slack community was like, because you know,

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Speaker 1: mercury is in their micro braids. So I was like,

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Speaker 1: the fuck they are the real tight, little tiny ones

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Speaker 1: that the Africans did and pulled your edges out. That's

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Speaker 1: the kind of fucking mercury micrograde RP. But you know,

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Speaker 1: it rained last night, and I don't know, I felt

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Speaker 1: like when I woke up, there was some energy trying

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Speaker 1: to shift my energy because I'm such a fucking impath.

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Speaker 1: Like my our friend called us with some stuff and

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Speaker 1: it wasn't my stuff at all, but like I was

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Speaker 1: feeling anxiety, and I was like, release it. Release it.

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Speaker 1: Decided to release a bunch of shit. So I'm just

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Speaker 1: released and pushing away all of the anything that's gonna

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Speaker 1: hinder my day. So I'm feeling good.

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Speaker 2: You know. I woke up feeling good, and then I

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Speaker 2: looked out the window and I saw that it had rained,

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Speaker 2: and I slept later than I usually do, which typically

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Speaker 2: happens when it rains. I was like, you know what

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Speaker 2: I'm gonna go. I was like, I'm gonna work out

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Speaker 2: this morning. But then I was thinking about Sylvia, our astrologer,

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Speaker 2: and she was like one day. She's like, yes, you know,

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Speaker 2: today is my I started my cycle and so I

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Speaker 2: won't be doing anything today, will be doing anything hectic today.

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Speaker 2: And I was like, you know what, I'm not gonna

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Speaker 2: go work out. I'm gonna go take my ass on

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Speaker 2: a walk. And so I woke up this morning and

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Speaker 2: I went for a little walk around my block, walked

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Speaker 2: to my coffee shop, came back. We were in the

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Speaker 2: car for like about like twenty four hours yesterday driving

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Speaker 2: and I realized like I had a migraine and because

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Speaker 2: we were encased inside of something. So this morning I

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Speaker 2: went for a walk and I was like, I need

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Speaker 2: to start doing this every morning, just like going outside

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Speaker 2: and taking a walk around my neighborhood. Because my neighborhoods

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Speaker 2: pretty peaceful and quiet.

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Speaker 1: And I don't love my I don't love my neighborhood.

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Speaker 1: I like the inside of my house. My neighborhood's kind

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Speaker 1: of the ghetto.

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Speaker 2: My neighborhood can be ghetto. Sometimes maybe I'll go to

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Speaker 2: the park and do it. Well, I'm not telling you

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Speaker 2: to do it. I'm just telling you what I know.

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Speaker 1: I agree with you. I feel like, you know, spending

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Speaker 1: sometimes some time outdoors and just like maybe even without

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Speaker 1: your phone. Because I realized like.

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Speaker 2: I was going to do that but then I was like,

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Speaker 2: I want music, so yeah, I listened to Eric Abaduo

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Speaker 2: album that I made you listen to four times yesterday.

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Speaker 2: I listened to it again today and it took a

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Speaker 2: little stroll. It was great.

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Speaker 1: That's nice.

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Speaker 2: Anyway, that's how my Wednesday's going.

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Speaker 1: Beautiful. It's a beautiful Wednesday. I'm really excited. We have

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Speaker 1: a special guest here.

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Speaker 2: We have Megan Doherty. She is a certified life coach.

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Speaker 2: She is an expert on trauma. Trauma and I would say,

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Speaker 2: how do identify narcissist?

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Speaker 1: Yeah, narcissistic abuse.

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Speaker 2: Yeah. And I'm really excited that you're here, So welcome

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Speaker 2: to the show.

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Speaker 3: Thank you, so excited for this conversation.

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Speaker 2: I'm so excited you're here, bea because this has been

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Speaker 2: a long time coming. Like we have been asked countless

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Speaker 2: times to have someone on or for us to talk

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Speaker 2: about narcissism, and I felt like I can't. I'm no expert.

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Speaker 2: In fact, I need help. So I was like, we

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Speaker 2: didn't find someone because I got questions and I need answers,

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Speaker 2: And so I found you. Thank God, thank you Universe.

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Speaker 2: And I'm just so grateful for you to come on

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Speaker 2: the show and you know, educate us on this very

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Speaker 2: important topic that I think men and women both encounter

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Speaker 2: and yeah, shed some light on this.

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Speaker 1: I guess what would you call this a disorder?

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Speaker 3: Character disorders?

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Speaker 2: Disorder.

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Speaker 1: It's so funny that we've been doing this for three

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Speaker 1: and a half years and literally we've discussed this personally

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Speaker 1: four hundred million times, Like we need to talk about that,

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Speaker 1: we need to break somebody to talk about that. We

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Speaker 1: didn't talk about that and then. But it's taking time.

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Speaker 1: But I'm just I feel like it's the right time

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Speaker 1: because I think we're ready to receive that information. I

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Speaker 1: think we've both been victims of narcissistic abuse, and I'm

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Speaker 1: really excited to learn more about it.

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Speaker 3: The more people I talked to, I realized so many

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Speaker 3: people have gone through it, so the conversations need to

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Speaker 3: be had. So I'm glad to be here.

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Speaker 1: I wonder what the percentage of people suffering from narcissistic

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Speaker 1: disorder are, like ninety percent of the world.

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Speaker 2: Hope not, Jesus scared. I'm gonna hide to my house immediately.

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Speaker 2: Well we'll look around. Yeah, look at the world.

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Speaker 3: They are everywhere. It's one out of ten people, one

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Speaker 3: out of ten people.

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Speaker 1: Oh okay, yeah, so it is about what is that

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Speaker 1: that was wrong?

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Speaker 2: Fuck?

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Speaker 1: But before we get into it, do you want to

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Speaker 1: pull a card? I do. Lately I've been letting the

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Speaker 1: guests pull the cards, which I like, I'm feeling that,

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Speaker 1: And today we pulled the Temperance And I think this

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Speaker 1: is pretty interesting because she is an angel and she's

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Speaker 1: pouring from one cup to another, and the angel is

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Speaker 1: both masculine and feminine. She wears a light blue robe

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Speaker 1: with a triangle enclosed and a square on the front,

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Speaker 1: representing that humans a triangle are bound by the earth

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Speaker 1: and natural law square. The angel balances between one foot

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Speaker 1: on the rocks, expressing the need to stay grounded, and

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Speaker 1: one foot in the water, showing the need to be

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Speaker 1: in flow. She pours water between two cups, symbolic of

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Speaker 1: the flow and alchemy of life. In the background, there's

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Speaker 1: a winding path of the mountain range, reflecting the journey

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Speaker 1: through life. Above the mountains hovers a golden crown and

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Speaker 1: case in a glowing light is symbol of taking the

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Speaker 1: higher path and staying true to one's life purpose and meaning. Wow. Anyway,

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Speaker 1: this card is a card for bringing balance, patience, and

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Speaker 1: moderation into your life. You're being invited to stabilize your

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Speaker 1: energy and allow the life force to flow through you

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Speaker 1: without force or resistance. It's time to recover your flow

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Speaker 1: and get your life back in order and balance. This

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Speaker 1: card calls on you to remain calm even when life

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Speaker 1: feels stressful or frantic. Maintain an even temperament, and manage

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Speaker 1: your emotions. You have learned to keep composed and stressful

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Speaker 1: situations little things don't get to you thanks to you

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Speaker 1: seemingly abundant source of patience. Your respect for balance and

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Speaker 1: tranquility is what will help you achieve and experience I

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Speaker 1: fulfilled life.

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Speaker 2: Get that narcissist out your life, growig balance. You know what?

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Speaker 1: Shut out again to Biddy Taro. I really want to

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Speaker 1: know if they know we're I'm learning my Tarot life

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Speaker 1: all the way through Biddy every fucking week. Yeah that

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Speaker 1: was a good one. I do feel like it's time

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Speaker 1: for you to let that narcissist go and flow and

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Speaker 1: be in balance. That's where the fuck I'm at Anyway,

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Speaker 1: I am ready to let it go. I feel like

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Speaker 1: I told Erica before you got here that I'm a target.

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Speaker 1: How do you not be a target for narcissism.

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Speaker 3: Yeah.

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Speaker 1: Oh, also, do you have a really beautiful affirmation?

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Speaker 2: Yeah, it is.

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Speaker 3: It's it's safe to trust my intuition and the knowledge

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Speaker 3: of my body.

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Speaker 1: Safe to trust my intuition and the knowledge of my

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Speaker 1: body some real shit, because your body be known.

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Speaker 2: It does your body tell you, like, grow your stomach

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Speaker 2: cart for a reason?

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Speaker 3: Right, those down the butterflies. That's like your nervous system

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Speaker 3: telling you to get the fuck.

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Speaker 1: Out, those clear thoughts that say like run, bitch, you tripping.

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Speaker 1: You're like, no, no, no, that's.

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Speaker 3: Your nervous I'm in tree.

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Speaker 1: I should fight the feeling. Maybe it's he's there's something more,

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Speaker 1: Maybe he's a good person. Yeah, I really I received that.

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Speaker 2: That's a great one. I think that's one that I

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Speaker 2: think most women we are so intuitive, but we go

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Speaker 2: against ourselves all the time, and we end up in

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Speaker 2: situations that we we wouldn't have ended up and had

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Speaker 2: we listened to our body and our intuition. And it's

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Speaker 2: time to start doing that.

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Speaker 1: We're all witches in our own right, you know, and

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Speaker 1: not the negative ones with the green the good kind.

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Speaker 3: Yeah, we're all women and ament which that's what we

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Speaker 3: all it's all in us. It is it is override

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Speaker 3: our intuition, and that's how we end up like overlooking

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Speaker 3: all the red flags.

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Speaker 2: So so question, how did you kind of get into

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Speaker 2: this work of you know, I guess healing women and

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Speaker 2: people from narcissists, Like, were you a victim of a narcissist?

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Speaker 1: Yes? I was.

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Speaker 3: I was in a horrible relationship lasted for about three

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Speaker 3: years with a malignant narcissist, and I came out of

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Speaker 3: there with like CPTSD, a panic disorder, Like my whole

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Speaker 3: life just fell apart. So after I went through that,

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Speaker 3: I realized that the mental health feit was kind of behind.

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Speaker 3: They didn't know about narcissism really like how it affect people.

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Speaker 3: And I started out writing a book. Actually I thought

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Speaker 3: that's how I was going to, like, you know, raise awareness.

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Speaker 3: And then people just started flooding in like how do

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Speaker 3: you know exactly what I went through? How do you

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Speaker 3: know exactly? Do you know my ex is at the

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Speaker 3: same person?

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Speaker 2: You know, Like I.

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Speaker 3: Literally got messages like that, and I'm like, oh my god,

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Speaker 3: there's millions of women out there that I'm gone through

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Speaker 3: the same exact thing. And the narcissist states same, The

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Speaker 3: pathology is the same.

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Speaker 1: So yeah, I just got.

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Speaker 3: All of my certifications and started helping women in man

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Speaker 3: a smaller percentage. But yeah, what did you call the

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Speaker 3: malignant narciss Malignant narcisses?

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Speaker 1: What does that mean?

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Speaker 2: So?

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Speaker 3: Think Donald Trump and yeah, in real life, that's what

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Speaker 3: we're dealing with there, So.

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Speaker 2: Like a high level cancer.

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Speaker 1: I think malignant. I think like like like the.

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Speaker 3: Girls, yeahgistic and like really yeah, just kind of like

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Speaker 3: the kind that are like over in your face and

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Speaker 3: just tear people down and don't care. Like that's that's

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Speaker 3: what a malignant narsisses.

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Speaker 2: I think the monks like those are scary, But the

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Speaker 2: ones that are even more scary are the ones that

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Speaker 2: are not malignant narcisses. Covert ones, Yeah, like those ones

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Speaker 2: that appear to be like feminists or you know, hoteps

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Speaker 2: and lovers.

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Speaker 1: Queen, yes, queen. I think the thing with those is

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Speaker 1: that they first start out super kind, super approachable, super like,

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Speaker 1: oh these seems one way, and what they do is

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Speaker 1: they like present a certain way and then somewhere down

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Speaker 1: the line it's this completely other thing. And so it's

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Speaker 1: almost like it's confusing your it's confusing your intuition because

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Speaker 1: you've gotten to know one thing and then you're attached

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Speaker 1: to that one thing, and then they pull out some

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Speaker 1: other shit from somewhere behind them that you didn't expect

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Speaker 1: and see coming, and and so you're waiting for the

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Speaker 1: other part to come back. And so then that's where

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Speaker 1: it gets confused. That's the whole cycle right there. That

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Speaker 1: is it. I you target girl, I told you before

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Speaker 1: a survivor, I'm not gonna stap.

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Speaker 3: Yeah, that's exactly what it isn't even the malignant ones

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Speaker 3: start off like that.

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Speaker 1: It's like it's literally love fraud. Like they come in

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Speaker 1: with love bombing, you know, get you all.

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Speaker 3: Like tied into future future faking, and most of them

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Speaker 3: do that, so they don't start off with just being

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Speaker 3: you know, being like a loud asshole that's gonna tear

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Speaker 3: you down. They pull you in and get you addicted

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Speaker 3: to like the intimate see and the all of that.

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Speaker 3: It's yeah, it's love fraud. That's where the term love

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Speaker 3: bombing comes from.

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Speaker 2: You. So, what are like, I think, like what would

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Speaker 2: help is like maybe like what is like a few

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Speaker 2: different signs of a narcissist? Like what is number one,

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Speaker 2: whether you are a malignant narcissist or a covert. I

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Speaker 2: don't know if there's like two different lists that happen

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Speaker 2: or if they're like if there's like one standard list

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Speaker 2: of how you identify a narcissist.

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Speaker 3: Yeah, so there's two major categories. So there's overt and covert,

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Speaker 3: and that just really has to do with how they

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Speaker 3: abuse and how they manipulate when you're in the relationship

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Speaker 3: or work relationship. Churches do it all that, so it's

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Speaker 3: not just like one person. But yeah, once you get

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Speaker 3: into like a relationship with them, what they do is

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Speaker 3: they pull you in with the love bombing, right, so

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Speaker 3: superficial charm, you know, telling you what you want to hear,

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Speaker 3: all of these things. And so the love bombing, I

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Speaker 3: feel like that's one of the most important parts of

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Speaker 3: narcissistic abuse.

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Speaker 1: Because they got to get you like.

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Speaker 3: Wrapped into the story and they're gonna be saying things

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Speaker 3: about you, like how much they love you.

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Speaker 1: And they don't even know you.

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Speaker 3: So that's one of the biggest red flags, right, love

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Speaker 3: bombing feels disingenuine if you're following your intuition. Now, if

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Speaker 3: you have like a lot of us I know, like

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Speaker 3: have like like childhood trauma and all of that, and

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Speaker 3: you have wounding and you feel like, okay, I need this,

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Speaker 3: Like this feels so good. It's intense, but it feels

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Speaker 3: good and you override the fact that it's not genuine.

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Speaker 3: That's one of the first red flags that you miss

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Speaker 3: when it comes to narcissis. And then other than that,

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Speaker 3: like after you're wrapped in with them, it's like they

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Speaker 3: do everything I call it like deaf five thousand cuts.

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Speaker 1: So they start to tear you down. Yeah, yeah, my god,

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Speaker 1: that's true.

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Speaker 3: Yeah yeah, they start to slowly like tear you down.

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Speaker 3: So there's a cycle's idolized devalue discard, and they may

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Speaker 3: hoover you back in and start the cycle.

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Speaker 1: All over again.

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Speaker 3: Idolize yep, devalue value discard and then hoover you back

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Speaker 3: in if you let them, and start the cycle all over.

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Speaker 3: So the cycle continues throughout the relationships. So the devalue

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Speaker 3: phase is where it all switched up, like you're talking

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Speaker 3: about like you're like, where's this person that came in

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Speaker 3: like with all the love and the promises and stuff.

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Speaker 3: And then it's like criticism different types of abuse, psychological abuse,

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Speaker 3: like really fucking with your head and yeah, that's how it.

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Speaker 1: It's like, do you love me or do you hate me? Booth,

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Speaker 1: I'm so confused. Yeah, I've excused that. I know he

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Speaker 1: told me he loved me, but this nice thing something different. Yeah,

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Speaker 1: do you like me or not?

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Speaker 2: Right?

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Speaker 3: Yeah?

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Speaker 1: Yeah that confusion.

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Speaker 3: Confusion is one of the biggest red flags too, Like

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Speaker 3: if you are confused, like this person said they loved me,

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Speaker 3: like they pulled me in in this very like intense way,

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Speaker 3: and now I feel like they secretly hate me. Like

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Speaker 3: that's one of the biggest red flags of a narcissist.

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Speaker 1: Also, hmmm, secretly hate me?

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Speaker 2: Yeah, I felt that way too. I mean I think,

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Speaker 2: like you know what I will say. I was telling

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Speaker 2: Jamila before you came. I was like, you know, I

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Speaker 2: feel like there's certain words or hot words that are

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Speaker 2: like popular right now and like not popular, but I

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Speaker 2: think we finally have the language to put behind certain things.

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Speaker 2: For example, anxiety, Like I didn't have that, Like anxiety

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Speaker 2: wasn't even a word in my vocabulary maybe until like

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Speaker 2: I don't know, like six or seven years ago. Like

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Speaker 2: I would just be like I'm overwhelmed, I'm stressed out,

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Speaker 2: or like I don't know why I'm crying. I don't

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Speaker 2: know why. I feel overwhelmed, like I didn't have that vocabulary.

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Speaker 2: And the same with narcissism, Like I feel like it's

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Speaker 2: a word too that gets thrown around a lot. I think,

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Speaker 2: I think specifically with women, we throw that around a lot,

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Speaker 2: and we call men narcissists and sometimes they are, and

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Speaker 2: I feel like sometimes they aren't. Right, Yeah, So how

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Speaker 2: do you kind of know, like the difference between someone

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Speaker 2: who maybe is just has some shit, some traumas they

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Speaker 2: gotta they want to work through and it's a narcissist.

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Speaker 2: Because there's probably people listening right now, like are like

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Speaker 2: is my man a narcissist? Or is or should I

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Speaker 2: stick by him? And like maybe we just can work

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Speaker 2: through this.

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Speaker 3: So that's such a good question and I get that

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Speaker 3: a lot. So when it comes to an actual narcissist,

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Speaker 3: if they have narcissists personality disorder or a charac disorder,

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Speaker 3: there's a lot of research happening. It changes, Like day

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Speaker 3: by day, you're gonna have three major things and we

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Speaker 3: call them the three e's. So that's a lack of empathy, right,

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Speaker 3: impaired empathy, exploitation and entitlement. Okay, so severe lack of empathy, right,

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Speaker 3: Like they can't even put theirselves in your shoes for

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Speaker 3: a moment. So that's why they can basically try to

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Speaker 3: destroy you and not care.

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Speaker 1: So the difference.

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Speaker 3: Between an actual narcissist and just an asshole, right because

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Speaker 3: I've got people coming to me. I've literally had like

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Speaker 3: clients that will like sign up to work with me

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Speaker 3: and like through through a discovery Colm, like you weren't

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Speaker 3: dealing with the narcissist, like you, this was just like.

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Speaker 1: A regular like run of the mill asshole.

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Speaker 3: Like you know, should you be so lucky that he

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Speaker 3: wasn't actually a narcissist, But yeah, somebody that's like just

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Speaker 3: generally an asshole, or they have some like unhilled childhood trauma,

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Speaker 3: so they're like in their.

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Speaker 1: Kind of self protective mode. Because I think that's a

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Speaker 1: lot of what we're dealing with, a lot of what

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Speaker 1: women deal with.

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Speaker 3: When it's not a narcissist, that person could hurt you,

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Speaker 3: but they're actually going to feel empathy for hurting you

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Speaker 3: and try to apologize, try to make things right. A

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Speaker 3: narcissist is going to hurt you and then say you

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Speaker 3: deserved it you made me do it, and or make

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Speaker 3: you feel like that and gaslight you out of the

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Speaker 3: fact that they ever hurt you to begin with. So

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Speaker 3: that's one of the biggest differences, right do you.

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Speaker 2: Think narcissists though too, because I'm thinking of someone specific

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Speaker 2: that he apologizes, but that doesn't nothing ever changes, Okay,

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Speaker 2: because I was like, they gonna be apologizing.

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Speaker 1: Yeah, they don't want to lose you, but they do.

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Speaker 1: They want to keep you to like like like a

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Speaker 1: like to play with you as they're fuldure narcissistic supply.

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Speaker 3: So that's what we call it, narcissistic supply, like you

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Speaker 3: are a source of supply for them, attention, validation, sex, money,

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Speaker 3: ego strokes, all of that. So basically narcissists use people

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Speaker 3: as just utility. They don't actually form a connection with you.

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Speaker 3: So yeah, they'll apologize because they're not done using you. Sociopaths, yes,

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Speaker 3: it's the same thing. That's a Socia's the same thing, yes,

400
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Speaker 3: absolutely so. Yeah, so my ex was was diagnosed narcissistic

401
00:19:05,520 --> 00:19:08,320
Speaker 3: socio path like with the hyphen in the middle. The

402
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Speaker 3: thing about narcissism, and this is important to say, is

403
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Speaker 3: that it exists on a spectrum. Okay, so there are

404
00:19:14,320 --> 00:19:17,080
Speaker 3: people that are like in the actual spectrum, it's from

405
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Speaker 3: zero to ten. So you can be on the spectrum

406
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Speaker 3: but not be actively abusing people. So the ones that

407
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Speaker 3: are higher on the spectrums are the ones that are

408
00:19:25,520 --> 00:19:29,159
Speaker 3: the actual socio paths. And you'll the psycho of abuse

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Speaker 3: is so like apparent when it's them.

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Speaker 2: I like, I'm pretty clear that the person I'm thinking

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Speaker 2: of is level one hundred narcissists, mainly because I mean

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Speaker 2: I've said this so many times, like even to Jamula,

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Speaker 2: Like I'm like, every time I talk to this fucking

414
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Speaker 2: person cannot stop talking about himself. It doesn't matter, like

415
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Speaker 2: what it is. I didn't ask you for this fucking information.

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Speaker 2: All I asked you was, hey, can you do this

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Speaker 2: or not? And he's like, well, you know, I'm so sorry,

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Speaker 2: but you know Na's called and la ablah blah blah,

419
00:20:00,680 --> 00:20:03,359
Speaker 2: and I'm doing this. I'm like, no one asks you

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00:20:03,400 --> 00:20:07,679
Speaker 2: nothing about that. And I've called him a narcissist many times,

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Speaker 2: and I think it's very rare that a narcissist will

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Speaker 2: actually acknowledge that he's a narcissist.

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Speaker 1: Is there a cure for narcissism, because.

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Speaker 2: Like I was, we were like I was talking to

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Speaker 2: her and I was like, I feel like kids are

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Speaker 2: like like baby narcissists.

427
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Speaker 1: Yeah, we all bore narcissists. And then you have to

428
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Speaker 1: learn your way out of it, Like how do you.

429
00:20:25,680 --> 00:20:28,879
Speaker 2: Like, can you undo your narcissism. There's this guy on

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Speaker 2: the internet who is a self proclaimed narcissist in recovery

431
00:20:33,680 --> 00:20:37,399
Speaker 2: or whatever, and I'm very curious, like is it healthy

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Speaker 2: for a narcissist to be on social media talking about

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Speaker 2: his narcissism? Then I really question that. I was like,

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Speaker 2: how can you recover if you're getting constantly getting validated

435
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Speaker 2: for your narcissisms?

436
00:20:52,160 --> 00:20:55,199
Speaker 1: Like so I'm just he's being validated for his pointing

437
00:20:55,240 --> 00:20:55,760
Speaker 1: out of his life.

438
00:20:55,760 --> 00:20:57,640
Speaker 2: I just feel like it's this very slippery slope that's

439
00:20:57,760 --> 00:21:00,119
Speaker 2: very hard to like kind of separate the lines of

440
00:21:00,160 --> 00:21:04,480
Speaker 2: like of that, you know, because you're getting validated, you're

441
00:21:04,680 --> 00:21:07,359
Speaker 2: getting attention, you're getting attention for saying you're not but

442
00:21:07,359 --> 00:21:09,919
Speaker 2: you're also getting attention, which is feeding your narcissism.

443
00:21:10,240 --> 00:21:13,840
Speaker 1: But then like naturally humans enjoy attention, you know, Like

444
00:21:13,880 --> 00:21:14,840
Speaker 1: it's like, but.

445
00:21:14,680 --> 00:21:16,880
Speaker 2: Do I have all of them? Not every human no, not.

446
00:21:16,880 --> 00:21:20,240
Speaker 1: Every but like positive attention I think people like, I mean,

447
00:21:20,240 --> 00:21:22,199
Speaker 1: not like the spotlight has to be on you, but

448
00:21:22,280 --> 00:21:25,720
Speaker 1: I think most humans enjoy attention from people.

449
00:21:25,800 --> 00:21:27,680
Speaker 2: Yeah, but most humans are not going to go on

450
00:21:27,920 --> 00:21:31,000
Speaker 2: the Internet and create reels every single day if they

451
00:21:31,240 --> 00:21:34,440
Speaker 2: you know, like, OK, right, I'm not saying you're narcisist,

452
00:21:34,440 --> 00:21:37,000
Speaker 2: you create reals every day, But I just mean, like,

453
00:21:37,680 --> 00:21:42,439
Speaker 2: if you are a self proclaimed diagnosed narcissist in your life,

454
00:21:42,520 --> 00:21:46,119
Speaker 2: you live on social media to talk about yourself, is

455
00:21:46,119 --> 00:21:50,159
Speaker 2: that actually like constructive to healing your narcissism? I just

456
00:21:50,200 --> 00:21:52,800
Speaker 2: don't know how that works. So basically what I think,

457
00:21:52,800 --> 00:21:57,560
Speaker 2: what my question was is can a narcissist actually recover

458
00:21:57,680 --> 00:21:58,600
Speaker 2: from narcissism?

459
00:21:58,720 --> 00:22:01,800
Speaker 3: Yeah, so the psycholog you books say absolutely not. It's

460
00:22:01,800 --> 00:22:03,000
Speaker 3: a fixed character disorder.

461
00:22:03,080 --> 00:22:03,760
Speaker 2: That's what I've heard.

462
00:22:05,040 --> 00:22:08,720
Speaker 3: Yeah, it's a fixed disorder. There is no amount of healing. Now,

463
00:22:08,760 --> 00:22:11,760
Speaker 3: what they can do is they can't. And let me

464
00:22:11,800 --> 00:22:15,000
Speaker 3: just tell you this is like point zero zero zero

465
00:22:15,119 --> 00:22:17,960
Speaker 3: zero one percent of narcisses would ever do this because

466
00:22:18,000 --> 00:22:20,480
Speaker 3: they don't have the ability to introspect. That's another like

467
00:22:20,520 --> 00:22:23,399
Speaker 3: cornerstone of narcissis abuse. So if you don't think that

468
00:22:23,440 --> 00:22:25,879
Speaker 3: you're doing anything wrong because you feel entitled because you

469
00:22:25,920 --> 00:22:28,440
Speaker 3: have this whole like world made up in your head

470
00:22:28,440 --> 00:22:30,600
Speaker 3: where you gas like people out of their own realities.

471
00:22:30,800 --> 00:22:33,320
Speaker 3: Who's gonna go into therapy? You know, there's there's a

472
00:22:33,359 --> 00:22:37,520
Speaker 3: therapy called cold therapy that can help with like they

473
00:22:37,600 --> 00:22:40,600
Speaker 3: just have a really fixed, like self protective program, and

474
00:22:40,680 --> 00:22:42,840
Speaker 3: this actually helps for people that just went through really

475
00:22:42,840 --> 00:22:46,080
Speaker 3: traumatic childhoods. But most narcissists will not do that, and

476
00:22:46,080 --> 00:22:48,040
Speaker 3: then even if they do, like a lot of therapists

477
00:22:48,080 --> 00:22:49,720
Speaker 3: don't even work with them because there.

478
00:22:49,680 --> 00:22:50,320
Speaker 2: Is no fure.

479
00:22:50,880 --> 00:22:54,440
Speaker 1: Because I heard you mention that your ex was a diagnose?

480
00:22:55,359 --> 00:22:57,840
Speaker 1: How did he get diagnosed? What like pushed him to

481
00:22:57,920 --> 00:23:00,240
Speaker 1: go get the diagnosis and like and then on top that,

482
00:23:00,359 --> 00:23:02,719
Speaker 1: tell you be honest about it, you know, because they

483
00:23:02,720 --> 00:23:04,280
Speaker 1: guess you'll get it, Like that's not true.

484
00:23:04,480 --> 00:23:06,879
Speaker 3: So he didn't actually tell me the story.

485
00:23:06,920 --> 00:23:08,280
Speaker 1: It's a wild story.

486
00:23:08,359 --> 00:23:10,800
Speaker 3: But after years of dating, I found out that he

487
00:23:10,840 --> 00:23:14,600
Speaker 3: had kids that I didn't know about, oh yeah yeah,

488
00:23:14,640 --> 00:23:17,560
Speaker 3: and that he had been married before and so like

489
00:23:17,720 --> 00:23:21,080
Speaker 3: after like going through like some of his devices when

490
00:23:21,080 --> 00:23:23,919
Speaker 3: he was traveling to where it was supposed to be work,

491
00:23:24,359 --> 00:23:26,359
Speaker 3: which actually happened to be a place where he had

492
00:23:26,359 --> 00:23:28,359
Speaker 3: a whole other house and another woman there.

493
00:23:29,119 --> 00:23:30,160
Speaker 1: It was, yeah, wild.

494
00:23:30,680 --> 00:23:33,480
Speaker 3: I found emails between not him and his ex wife,

495
00:23:33,480 --> 00:23:36,119
Speaker 3: but it was like court documented, like they had to

496
00:23:36,119 --> 00:23:39,720
Speaker 3: be like people had to like a judge had to

497
00:23:39,800 --> 00:23:41,920
Speaker 3: look at them or a lawyer had to look at them,

498
00:23:41,960 --> 00:23:45,520
Speaker 3: Like they can't communicate unless somebody is like supervising the communication.

499
00:23:46,119 --> 00:23:49,160
Speaker 3: So within that I read the emails and she was saying,

500
00:23:49,160 --> 00:23:51,359
Speaker 3: you know, because of you're a narcissist and this and this,

501
00:23:51,480 --> 00:23:53,399
Speaker 3: and you're supposed to present this when you go to

502
00:23:53,400 --> 00:23:55,199
Speaker 3: pick him up from school and all of this, and

503
00:23:55,240 --> 00:23:57,960
Speaker 3: it was like proof that he was diagnosed as you know,

504
00:23:58,000 --> 00:23:59,600
Speaker 3: a narcissistic sociopathia.

505
00:24:00,920 --> 00:24:04,880
Speaker 1: What did he say when you said, hey, motherfucker, yeah,

506
00:24:04,920 --> 00:24:07,639
Speaker 1: what about that other woman in that marriage and those children?

507
00:24:08,200 --> 00:24:09,040
Speaker 1: He gasled me?

508
00:24:09,080 --> 00:24:11,159
Speaker 3: First, well, first of all, this is what most narcissists are,

509
00:24:11,160 --> 00:24:12,200
Speaker 3: do you how dare you snoop?

510
00:24:12,520 --> 00:24:13,920
Speaker 1: Did I shure you're snooping?

511
00:24:14,280 --> 00:24:16,280
Speaker 3: I can't deal with somebody that's like crazy enough to

512
00:24:16,320 --> 00:24:17,560
Speaker 3: like look through my devices.

513
00:24:17,640 --> 00:24:18,920
Speaker 1: So I spent like three days.

514
00:24:18,720 --> 00:24:22,360
Speaker 3: Apologizing, you know, that's the psycho. But yeah, he never

515
00:24:22,400 --> 00:24:25,399
Speaker 3: admitted it. Of course, like he said, like eventually that

516
00:24:25,600 --> 00:24:27,920
Speaker 3: he had some issues with women in the past and

517
00:24:28,280 --> 00:24:30,040
Speaker 3: he knew something was wrong with them but he didn't

518
00:24:30,080 --> 00:24:32,480
Speaker 3: know exactly what it was and all of this stuff.

519
00:24:32,520 --> 00:24:36,399
Speaker 3: So yeah, but there is no cure, There is no like. Yeah,

520
00:24:36,480 --> 00:24:38,160
Speaker 3: so if you're with one and you feel like, okay,

521
00:24:38,160 --> 00:24:39,120
Speaker 3: we can go to therapy.

522
00:24:39,359 --> 00:24:40,280
Speaker 1: Couples counseling.

523
00:24:40,320 --> 00:24:42,399
Speaker 3: Therapy is the worst possible thing to do with the

524
00:24:42,480 --> 00:24:45,960
Speaker 3: narcissists because they will use that to gaslight you even

525
00:24:46,000 --> 00:24:47,960
Speaker 3: more and they'll groom the therapists and a lot of

526
00:24:48,040 --> 00:24:49,400
Speaker 3: times it ends up backfiring.

527
00:24:49,560 --> 00:24:53,280
Speaker 2: So if the therapist can't identify that you're a narcissist,

528
00:24:53,720 --> 00:24:55,520
Speaker 2: what kind of therapists are you going?

529
00:24:55,760 --> 00:24:58,800
Speaker 3: They fall prey to narcissists because they're so good with words.

530
00:24:58,480 --> 00:25:00,400
Speaker 1: Right, They're really good with words, and a lot of them.

531
00:25:00,359 --> 00:25:02,920
Speaker 3: Are actually really smart and very intelligent, so they can

532
00:25:02,960 --> 00:25:04,800
Speaker 3: like talk their way in and out of stuff, and

533
00:25:04,800 --> 00:25:07,240
Speaker 3: they will groom the therapists to think like you're the

534
00:25:07,280 --> 00:25:09,440
Speaker 3: crazy one, it's your fault and all of that.

535
00:25:09,600 --> 00:25:12,760
Speaker 2: So is it weird that I feel like I had

536
00:25:12,760 --> 00:25:16,399
Speaker 2: this vision of like all the one out of ten narcissists,

537
00:25:16,760 --> 00:25:17,800
Speaker 2: Like in a like, are.

538
00:25:17,720 --> 00:25:19,320
Speaker 1: We just supposed to throw them off the cliffs?

539
00:25:19,320 --> 00:25:22,600
Speaker 2: Like they're no use for society.

540
00:25:23,680 --> 00:25:25,520
Speaker 3: You can't be fixed, right.

541
00:25:25,560 --> 00:25:27,480
Speaker 1: I mean, what do we do with them? Where are

542
00:25:27,480 --> 00:25:29,000
Speaker 1: they gonna go? They need to go to a home

543
00:25:29,160 --> 00:25:30,639
Speaker 1: far away from me as possible.

544
00:25:33,080 --> 00:25:35,680
Speaker 2: Like maybe they should just get together, right, like two

545
00:25:35,760 --> 00:25:36,560
Speaker 2: narcisists together.

546
00:25:36,720 --> 00:25:39,760
Speaker 1: Oh yeah? Is that like that? Like true love?

547
00:25:40,040 --> 00:25:41,440
Speaker 2: That like, oh my god, what if there's a TV

548
00:25:41,480 --> 00:25:43,560
Speaker 2: show there is narcissists there love?

549
00:25:43,640 --> 00:25:45,320
Speaker 1: There is this? Oh my god, I can't believe how

550
00:25:45,320 --> 00:25:46,680
Speaker 1: I forgot this. I don't know why the funk. I

551
00:25:46,680 --> 00:25:49,159
Speaker 1: don't watch TV, but at Dannielle's house I do, and

552
00:25:49,200 --> 00:25:52,400
Speaker 1: it bitch loves Netflix and there's a fucking show. Oh

553
00:25:52,400 --> 00:25:54,640
Speaker 1: my god, what is it called? Oh my god, it's

554
00:25:54,640 --> 00:25:56,520
Speaker 1: the second season. And he used to be a murderer,

555
00:25:56,520 --> 00:25:59,640
Speaker 1: but now it's John or there's oh John, Now it's

556
00:25:59,640 --> 00:26:04,200
Speaker 1: not John used to be a murderer. Oh my god. Yeah,

557
00:26:04,280 --> 00:26:07,479
Speaker 1: but now this this season he got a murderer wife.

558
00:26:07,640 --> 00:26:14,960
Speaker 3: You'd yes, that's a perfect example of two narcissists together. Absolutely, yeah, yeah.

559
00:26:14,840 --> 00:26:16,640
Speaker 2: He has Oh I haven't watched this, I don't watch.

560
00:26:16,520 --> 00:26:18,240
Speaker 1: So now he got a he had a narcissist wife

561
00:26:18,280 --> 00:26:20,960
Speaker 1: who also murders, and now they love like perfect together

562
00:26:21,000 --> 00:26:24,120
Speaker 1: and then I have a baby. Yeah it's okay about

563
00:26:24,160 --> 00:26:26,200
Speaker 1: the babies. Oh god, oh god. But it's kind of

564
00:26:26,240 --> 00:26:27,879
Speaker 1: like Dexter. Yeah, it's kind of like Dexter.

565
00:26:28,359 --> 00:26:30,160
Speaker 2: But then it always ends up going bad because there's

566
00:26:30,160 --> 00:26:31,960
Speaker 2: always like one worse narciss than the other, and the

567
00:26:31,960 --> 00:26:34,560
Speaker 2: ether narcist has to like fixed scale them back, like

568
00:26:35,080 --> 00:26:36,159
Speaker 2: going crazy.

569
00:26:35,840 --> 00:26:38,080
Speaker 1: Like we just know exactly what's happening on the show,

570
00:26:38,600 --> 00:26:39,359
Speaker 1: that's what happens.

571
00:26:39,400 --> 00:26:41,639
Speaker 3: Yeah, they can end up together and then just I

572
00:26:41,680 --> 00:26:43,480
Speaker 3: call it like slow dancing in a burning room for

573
00:26:43,480 --> 00:26:45,160
Speaker 3: the rest of their lives, but like knives in each

574
00:26:45,160 --> 00:26:49,120
Speaker 3: other's back and I've seen it play thousands thousands of Yeah.

575
00:26:49,160 --> 00:26:51,200
Speaker 1: Wow, definitely can happen.

576
00:26:51,400 --> 00:26:55,239
Speaker 2: Yeah, So if we have some questions we from some

577
00:26:55,280 --> 00:26:57,400
Speaker 2: of our our listeners, and one of them was, how

578
00:26:57,400 --> 00:27:00,000
Speaker 2: do you co parent with a narcissist, Like what you

579
00:27:00,240 --> 00:27:01,720
Speaker 2: do because you have a kid with one.

580
00:27:02,240 --> 00:27:06,320
Speaker 1: Can't get rid of them mm hmmm publicly, Yeah, but

581
00:27:07,840 --> 00:27:10,640
Speaker 1: you have to stay away from them as much as possible,

582
00:27:10,720 --> 00:27:17,480
Speaker 1: the very minimal, very minimal communication as much strictly through

583
00:27:17,480 --> 00:27:20,800
Speaker 1: text message. Yeah. Yeah, that's that's exactly.

584
00:27:21,119 --> 00:27:25,320
Speaker 3: So yeah, so low to no emotional contact literally only

585
00:27:25,320 --> 00:27:27,119
Speaker 3: speak to them when it had to do with the child.

586
00:27:27,600 --> 00:27:30,160
Speaker 3: There's a website that I give to all my clients.

587
00:27:30,200 --> 00:27:33,239
Speaker 3: It's called our Family Wizard. So if you download that,

588
00:27:33,280 --> 00:27:36,639
Speaker 3: you can actually like do all communication through there, dates

589
00:27:36,640 --> 00:27:38,320
Speaker 3: when you have to pick them up through there. This

590
00:27:38,359 --> 00:27:42,440
Speaker 3: can be supervised, supervised by the courts. Any money that's

591
00:27:42,560 --> 00:27:44,919
Speaker 3: used can be put in there. What you have to

592
00:27:44,960 --> 00:27:47,480
Speaker 3: do is keep it, like keep as much control of

593
00:27:47,520 --> 00:27:50,200
Speaker 3: the situation as possible, because if you don't, and they're

594
00:27:50,200 --> 00:27:52,880
Speaker 3: gonna start pulling you back into the cycle of abuse,

595
00:27:53,080 --> 00:27:55,800
Speaker 3: like with anxiety and making things. You know, they use

596
00:27:55,800 --> 00:27:57,400
Speaker 3: their kids as ponds most of the time.

597
00:27:57,520 --> 00:28:01,320
Speaker 1: So yeah, how do you protect your child in that situation? Like,

598
00:28:01,520 --> 00:28:05,959
Speaker 1: for instance, someone who obviously refuses to go get you know,

599
00:28:07,480 --> 00:28:11,320
Speaker 1: like get exam good what is it called exam and diagnosed?

600
00:28:11,840 --> 00:28:14,720
Speaker 1: And you have to like share a child with that person, Like,

601
00:28:14,800 --> 00:28:16,560
Speaker 1: how do you protect your child?

602
00:28:16,840 --> 00:28:17,040
Speaker 2: Right?

603
00:28:17,080 --> 00:28:20,000
Speaker 3: Absolutely, I think document as much as you possibly can,

604
00:28:20,760 --> 00:28:24,040
Speaker 3: make sure that you work with like judges and lawyers

605
00:28:24,080 --> 00:28:28,200
Speaker 3: and these people that actually understand psychological abuse and narcissisic abuse.

606
00:28:28,240 --> 00:28:30,840
Speaker 3: There are some They're very few and far between, but

607
00:28:30,840 --> 00:28:32,280
Speaker 3: there are some that have been through it.

608
00:28:32,760 --> 00:28:33,280
Speaker 1: Understand it.

609
00:28:33,320 --> 00:28:35,200
Speaker 3: Make sure that people around you that are helping you

610
00:28:35,240 --> 00:28:39,520
Speaker 3: with like custody, get that he's disordered or she's disordered, right, because.

611
00:28:39,320 --> 00:28:40,840
Speaker 1: It's not just men.

612
00:28:40,960 --> 00:28:42,760
Speaker 3: And yeah, and just make sure you pay attention to

613
00:28:42,800 --> 00:28:44,440
Speaker 3: your kids. One of the biggest things is that they

614
00:28:44,480 --> 00:28:47,200
Speaker 3: will start to gaslight your children and you try and

615
00:28:47,320 --> 00:28:48,640
Speaker 3: let your children against you.

616
00:28:49,120 --> 00:28:50,240
Speaker 1: You want to make sure that you're.

617
00:28:50,120 --> 00:28:52,880
Speaker 3: The stable person, that you're mirroring their emotions, that you're

618
00:28:52,960 --> 00:28:55,480
Speaker 3: encouraging them to speak their truth and trust their intuition,

619
00:28:55,720 --> 00:28:59,800
Speaker 3: even at a small age. And yeah, that's the that's

620
00:28:59,840 --> 00:29:01,920
Speaker 3: the best you can do as far as protecting him.

621
00:29:01,960 --> 00:29:02,520
Speaker 1: But just them.

622
00:29:02,560 --> 00:29:04,920
Speaker 3: But just like pay attention to you know, if their

623
00:29:04,960 --> 00:29:07,360
Speaker 3: mood changes when they come from you know, the house

624
00:29:07,440 --> 00:29:09,280
Speaker 3: and all of that, and document everything.

625
00:29:10,400 --> 00:29:12,960
Speaker 2: I was gonna say, I mean, I think that it's

626
00:29:13,040 --> 00:29:16,440
Speaker 2: so very disheartening. I mean because there really is no

627
00:29:16,800 --> 00:29:19,520
Speaker 2: big answer, you know, Like I think people parents look

628
00:29:19,560 --> 00:29:22,320
Speaker 2: for these answers like what do you do and it's like, well,

629
00:29:22,480 --> 00:29:25,520
Speaker 2: you chose to have a child with this person, and

630
00:29:25,640 --> 00:29:29,160
Speaker 2: now this is the aftermath of that, and there really

631
00:29:29,240 --> 00:29:33,600
Speaker 2: is no fix or real protection that you can really offer.

632
00:29:33,680 --> 00:29:36,200
Speaker 2: Besides what you said is like arming your kids with

633
00:29:36,280 --> 00:29:39,240
Speaker 2: their intuition. I think there's like always like a reparenting

634
00:29:39,240 --> 00:29:41,600
Speaker 2: that has to happen when you send your kid off

635
00:29:41,640 --> 00:29:45,200
Speaker 2: with your narcissistic co parent and then they come back

636
00:29:45,280 --> 00:29:47,880
Speaker 2: and you have to do this reparenting. The only other

637
00:29:47,920 --> 00:29:50,560
Speaker 2: thing to do is really limit that the exposure they

638
00:29:50,560 --> 00:29:52,720
Speaker 2: have to that parent. And that's really hard.

639
00:29:52,480 --> 00:29:55,880
Speaker 1: Because like how guilty with that? So you feel guilty.

640
00:29:55,960 --> 00:29:58,800
Speaker 2: And also unless this person is diagnosed and I don't

641
00:29:58,800 --> 00:30:00,800
Speaker 2: even know if that even if they are diagnosed, if

642
00:30:00,800 --> 00:30:03,800
Speaker 2: any sort of judge is gonna say that's enough for

643
00:30:03,920 --> 00:30:06,160
Speaker 2: you not to be able to be around your child.

644
00:30:06,840 --> 00:30:11,600
Speaker 3: Yeah, no, they absolutely the judges and lawyers that understand

645
00:30:11,640 --> 00:30:15,640
Speaker 3: it can make it so like the children's their safety

646
00:30:15,720 --> 00:30:17,680
Speaker 3: is number one. Right, So most of the time in

647
00:30:17,720 --> 00:30:21,480
Speaker 3: these situations, most of these narcissists are very abusive, right,

648
00:30:21,560 --> 00:30:24,720
Speaker 3: So you have like the record of like domestic violence

649
00:30:24,760 --> 00:30:26,960
Speaker 3: and all of that that's there. So as long as

650
00:30:27,000 --> 00:30:30,160
Speaker 3: like they know the court system knows about that, hopefully

651
00:30:30,200 --> 00:30:32,120
Speaker 3: they will do the best they can help you protect

652
00:30:32,520 --> 00:30:33,160
Speaker 3: your child.

653
00:30:33,480 --> 00:30:36,280
Speaker 1: I've heard some fucking horror stories. You guys like, I

654
00:30:36,440 --> 00:30:40,280
Speaker 1: have a friend of a friend who recently. My friend

655
00:30:40,480 --> 00:30:42,880
Speaker 1: was dating a woman for like the last three years

656
00:30:43,080 --> 00:30:47,360
Speaker 1: and she was had a baby with a narcissist and

657
00:30:47,640 --> 00:30:49,800
Speaker 1: a lot of he probably has a lot of other disorders.

658
00:30:49,880 --> 00:30:52,720
Speaker 1: But when the baby daddy found out she had a

659
00:30:52,760 --> 00:30:57,000
Speaker 1: new man, he was so angry, infuriated, and wanted to

660
00:30:57,040 --> 00:30:59,720
Speaker 1: hurt her so bad. The little girl started coming home

661
00:31:00,320 --> 00:31:03,040
Speaker 1: telling her that her dad was touching her in the bathtub,

662
00:31:04,000 --> 00:31:06,800
Speaker 1: so obviously her first you know, things go to the courts.

663
00:31:07,600 --> 00:31:11,160
Speaker 1: The courts were not protective. They continued to allow this

664
00:31:11,200 --> 00:31:14,520
Speaker 1: person to have visit partial visitation. The little girl was like,

665
00:31:14,680 --> 00:31:16,480
Speaker 1: I want to say three or four at the time,

666
00:31:16,760 --> 00:31:18,840
Speaker 1: and they would interview her. She would get scared. At

667
00:31:18,840 --> 00:31:20,520
Speaker 1: one point, she hadn't seen him for some time when

668
00:31:20,560 --> 00:31:24,040
Speaker 1: she initially told the courts. Eventually she had to start

669
00:31:24,280 --> 00:31:27,240
Speaker 1: reintroducing her to him. They weren't protective, and to the

670
00:31:27,240 --> 00:31:29,280
Speaker 1: point where she was like, we're gonna go, They're gonna

671
00:31:29,280 --> 00:31:31,200
Speaker 1: you're gonna see your dad today. The little girl, pete

672
00:31:31,200 --> 00:31:35,080
Speaker 1: on her pants, was having a fucking anxiety attack, and

673
00:31:35,360 --> 00:31:38,120
Speaker 1: so she continued to fight this. The father continued to

674
00:31:38,160 --> 00:31:40,920
Speaker 1: fight for this custody, and it looked like the courts

675
00:31:40,960 --> 00:31:45,360
Speaker 1: were about to grant him back visitation permanently without being supervised,

676
00:31:45,720 --> 00:31:48,600
Speaker 1: so she had a lawyer. The lawyer told her, the

677
00:31:48,640 --> 00:31:51,640
Speaker 1: only reason I'm still in this business is to warn women.

678
00:31:52,360 --> 00:31:55,120
Speaker 1: She said, a lot of women think, with all the

679
00:31:55,400 --> 00:31:59,040
Speaker 1: evidence they have with their children testifying that they will

680
00:31:59,040 --> 00:32:01,600
Speaker 1: get full custody, and most of the time that does

681
00:32:01,640 --> 00:32:04,680
Speaker 1: not happen. In fact, a lot of times the father

682
00:32:04,760 --> 00:32:07,640
Speaker 1: can end up getting more custody than begin with. And

683
00:32:07,680 --> 00:32:09,960
Speaker 1: she's like, I only stayed in this business to tell

684
00:32:09,960 --> 00:32:13,040
Speaker 1: women to get the fuck out. That person had to

685
00:32:13,120 --> 00:32:17,640
Speaker 1: take her kids and disappear before the last final court date.

686
00:32:18,200 --> 00:32:20,600
Speaker 1: And it was so much so like the lawyer was

687
00:32:20,640 --> 00:32:23,000
Speaker 1: so in on it that she met with my friend

688
00:32:23,040 --> 00:32:26,240
Speaker 1: who was her boyfriend at the time, like in secrecy,

689
00:32:26,360 --> 00:32:30,320
Speaker 1: in incognito, like literally like in baseball cap like told

690
00:32:30,400 --> 00:32:33,520
Speaker 1: him like laylo for three months. And you know, I'm

691
00:32:33,560 --> 00:32:36,360
Speaker 1: happy she got out. Yeah, She's like, I've seen so

692
00:32:36,440 --> 00:32:39,840
Speaker 1: many cases where women just think there's overwhelming evidence against

693
00:32:39,840 --> 00:32:43,320
Speaker 1: the man and the court does not honor that. And

694
00:32:43,520 --> 00:32:46,160
Speaker 1: I think, you know, we as we don't think about that.

695
00:32:46,360 --> 00:32:48,320
Speaker 1: We're women. We think that they're going to protect you

696
00:32:48,400 --> 00:32:50,280
Speaker 1: and they don't. And I think also, like I don't

697
00:32:50,320 --> 00:32:54,000
Speaker 1: know that that person or that baby daddy, but sometimes

698
00:32:54,000 --> 00:32:55,480
Speaker 1: people want to hurt you so bad you have no

699
00:32:55,560 --> 00:32:58,800
Speaker 1: idea how and what ways they'll do it. I was

700
00:32:58,840 --> 00:33:05,080
Speaker 1: in a super like emotionally abusive relationship verbally abusive because

701
00:33:05,160 --> 00:33:09,040
Speaker 1: he is a narcissist, and it took me a long

702
00:33:09,280 --> 00:33:12,160
Speaker 1: time getting to get out of it and to acknowledge

703
00:33:12,200 --> 00:33:14,600
Speaker 1: that it was abuse. Like to say that out loud

704
00:33:14,720 --> 00:33:18,520
Speaker 1: seemed like, wow, that seems extreme jimula like relax, but

705
00:33:18,760 --> 00:33:21,680
Speaker 1: it was like coming out of it and like dating

706
00:33:21,720 --> 00:33:25,040
Speaker 1: other people and seeing how I was like within relationships

707
00:33:25,080 --> 00:33:27,920
Speaker 1: with other people, and like it took some time to

708
00:33:28,240 --> 00:33:30,720
Speaker 1: a lot of time, and I'm still unraveling from that

709
00:33:30,800 --> 00:33:32,920
Speaker 1: to the point where like the nigga would say something

710
00:33:33,360 --> 00:33:35,320
Speaker 1: like they were all here be like it's stupid, bitch,

711
00:33:35,400 --> 00:33:36,680
Speaker 1: and then we'd be like, I'd be like, why the

712
00:33:36,680 --> 00:33:37,840
Speaker 1: fuck did you call me a bitch? She's like I

713
00:33:37,880 --> 00:33:40,320
Speaker 1: didn't call you a bitch, and we'd be like we

714
00:33:40,520 --> 00:33:42,680
Speaker 1: just all heard you call her a bitch. Like my

715
00:33:42,680 --> 00:33:44,760
Speaker 1: friends would be like, yes you did, and he'd be

716
00:33:44,840 --> 00:33:47,400
Speaker 1: like no, I didn't. It was like, this is what

717
00:33:47,440 --> 00:33:49,520
Speaker 1: I'm dealing with, Like no one, no, I'm crazy, but

718
00:33:50,280 --> 00:33:55,200
Speaker 1: I just going crazy. You're crazy, nigga. So it's just

719
00:33:55,240 --> 00:33:57,960
Speaker 1: like I think a lot of women, especially Black women,

720
00:33:58,000 --> 00:34:00,160
Speaker 1: you know, I think we're so strong and shit and

721
00:34:00,200 --> 00:34:03,360
Speaker 1: like everything's gucci and you like, and as women in generally,

722
00:34:03,440 --> 00:34:05,360
Speaker 1: we just like love so much and we nurture and

723
00:34:05,400 --> 00:34:08,040
Speaker 1: we want to fix people. But like, I think that

724
00:34:08,120 --> 00:34:12,600
Speaker 1: we totally downplay how that affects us how emotionally, and

725
00:34:12,640 --> 00:34:15,960
Speaker 1: like how coming out of that and rebuilding yourself after

726
00:34:16,000 --> 00:34:19,680
Speaker 1: that is such a process and requires so much work.

727
00:34:19,760 --> 00:34:22,719
Speaker 1: Like you know, that was a relationship from like five

728
00:34:22,800 --> 00:34:25,320
Speaker 1: years ago now, and I probably lingered in that relationship

729
00:34:25,320 --> 00:34:28,360
Speaker 1: for a long time sexually or whatever, just like a

730
00:34:28,360 --> 00:34:31,200
Speaker 1: little pinky toe in a foot in and it just

731
00:34:31,320 --> 00:34:33,480
Speaker 1: and this is a person I've known my most of

732
00:34:33,480 --> 00:34:37,680
Speaker 1: my life, So it took a long time to recognize

733
00:34:37,800 --> 00:34:41,360
Speaker 1: those those habits and like see how it's affected me

734
00:34:41,440 --> 00:34:44,479
Speaker 1: and then and even after that, carrying that shit into

735
00:34:44,520 --> 00:34:46,960
Speaker 1: my next relationship and my next relationship accepting shit that

736
00:34:47,120 --> 00:34:50,080
Speaker 1: was totally unacceptable because I'm kind of like used to

737
00:34:50,200 --> 00:34:52,920
Speaker 1: that kind of behavior and like, coming back to the

738
00:34:53,000 --> 00:34:56,720
Speaker 1: what you were saying about the child, you know, my child.

739
00:34:56,920 --> 00:34:59,680
Speaker 1: We had a situation her dad said something to her

740
00:34:59,719 --> 00:35:04,520
Speaker 1: that was completely inappropriate about me, and literally almost a

741
00:35:04,600 --> 00:35:06,800
Speaker 1: year later, she said it. She was like, I remember

742
00:35:06,800 --> 00:35:09,360
Speaker 1: when daddy said da da da da. And I was like,

743
00:35:09,400 --> 00:35:11,719
Speaker 1: oh my god, like this, what the fuck memory do

744
00:35:11,760 --> 00:35:14,319
Speaker 1: you have? And I said, call him and tell him

745
00:35:14,360 --> 00:35:16,920
Speaker 1: how you feel. And she called him and I can

746
00:35:16,960 --> 00:35:19,279
Speaker 1: hear him saying I didn't say that, and she was like, yes,

747
00:35:19,360 --> 00:35:23,000
Speaker 1: you did, Yes, you did. And Erica was like Erica

748
00:35:23,000 --> 00:35:24,960
Speaker 1: had told me. She's like, you really need to talk

749
00:35:25,000 --> 00:35:27,200
Speaker 1: to her, because I'm proud of her that she was

750
00:35:27,280 --> 00:35:30,040
Speaker 1: able to tell him and check him because people will

751
00:35:30,080 --> 00:35:32,120
Speaker 1: try and confuse you all the time. And she was like, no,

752
00:35:32,160 --> 00:35:34,799
Speaker 1: you didn't, Yes, you did. I remember. And I had

753
00:35:34,840 --> 00:35:37,480
Speaker 1: to call him and say, look, people are gonna men

754
00:35:37,880 --> 00:35:40,160
Speaker 1: are trying to confuse her, trying to downplay her thoughts,

755
00:35:40,239 --> 00:35:43,760
Speaker 1: her feelings. Do not do that, I said, just fucking apologize,

756
00:35:44,239 --> 00:35:48,560
Speaker 1: and of course, like reluctantly, he did. But like I realized,

757
00:35:48,600 --> 00:35:52,040
Speaker 1: like I can't. I'm not ever gonna remove her, you know,

758
00:35:52,239 --> 00:35:56,239
Speaker 1: but it is important that I explained to her how

759
00:35:56,280 --> 00:35:59,719
Speaker 1: important it is that instinctually you follow your own guy.

760
00:36:00,080 --> 00:36:01,520
Speaker 1: Like I was telling her that in the shower. I

761
00:36:01,520 --> 00:36:03,920
Speaker 1: was she was like, Daddy said, I came from him.

762
00:36:03,960 --> 00:36:06,880
Speaker 1: I said, you saw the video right, She was like yeah.

763
00:36:07,040 --> 00:36:08,160
Speaker 1: I was like, She's like, why does he do that?

764
00:36:08,200 --> 00:36:09,160
Speaker 1: I was like, I don't know, but you got to

765
00:36:09,200 --> 00:36:11,200
Speaker 1: listen to your gut. She was like, what does that mean.

766
00:36:11,200 --> 00:36:13,239
Speaker 1: I'm like, whatever you know is right in your heart

767
00:36:13,239 --> 00:36:15,840
Speaker 1: and in your body. And I was like, with anybody

768
00:36:15,880 --> 00:36:18,840
Speaker 1: you know, like, because we all know as teenage girls,

769
00:36:18,880 --> 00:36:20,680
Speaker 1: as you get older, as you start to like guys,

770
00:36:20,680 --> 00:36:23,360
Speaker 1: that niggas will try and confuse you, even teachers. I

771
00:36:23,360 --> 00:36:25,680
Speaker 1: remember teacher saying slick shit to me and not having

772
00:36:25,719 --> 00:36:28,239
Speaker 1: the confidence to be like, no, nigga, you know what

773
00:36:28,239 --> 00:36:30,560
Speaker 1: I mean. So like, as parents, as moms, like, it's

774
00:36:30,560 --> 00:36:32,840
Speaker 1: so important that we instill that type of shit in

775
00:36:32,840 --> 00:36:34,959
Speaker 1: our kids because you're going to come across all types

776
00:36:35,000 --> 00:36:37,359
Speaker 1: of disorders in this motherfucker and you gotta be able

777
00:36:37,400 --> 00:36:39,759
Speaker 1: to combat that and recognize it, you know.

778
00:36:40,239 --> 00:36:43,719
Speaker 2: H Yeah, I mean I feel yeah. When I was

779
00:36:43,719 --> 00:36:46,719
Speaker 2: sitting there and Luna, I love your daughter so much,

780
00:36:46,960 --> 00:36:50,960
Speaker 2: Sure don't play, she was like m mmm no, you

781
00:36:51,080 --> 00:36:54,759
Speaker 2: said it right, Yeah, and she was relentless and like

782
00:36:54,840 --> 00:36:57,480
Speaker 2: that's something that, yeah, you that we have to fight

783
00:36:57,560 --> 00:37:01,319
Speaker 2: to keep in our children and empower them because it

784
00:37:01,400 --> 00:37:03,880
Speaker 2: is inevitable. It's inevitable. And I was like, I was

785
00:37:03,880 --> 00:37:05,920
Speaker 2: looking at these facts because I was like, what person, like,

786
00:37:05,960 --> 00:37:09,719
Speaker 2: are men more narcissistic than women? And I mean there's

787
00:37:09,760 --> 00:37:12,040
Speaker 2: definitely some crazy bitches out there for sure, Yeah, but

788
00:37:12,040 --> 00:37:14,719
Speaker 2: it weighs heavier on men. There's more. Apparently there's more.

789
00:37:15,040 --> 00:37:17,480
Speaker 2: I think what was the stististic It says seven point

790
00:37:17,560 --> 00:37:20,959
Speaker 2: seven percent of men are narcissistic versus four point eight

791
00:37:21,719 --> 00:37:23,440
Speaker 2: And I'm just wondering if that has anything to do

792
00:37:23,520 --> 00:37:27,440
Speaker 2: with just like testosterone or like, like, I don't know,

793
00:37:27,520 --> 00:37:30,200
Speaker 2: male ego it's stronger than the female ego in some way.

794
00:37:30,200 --> 00:37:31,680
Speaker 2: I don't. I mean, I don't know even if that's true.

795
00:37:31,719 --> 00:37:33,719
Speaker 1: But is a narcissism I think you said no, I

796
00:37:33,719 --> 00:37:36,439
Speaker 1: think you're just born. There is narcissism a result of

797
00:37:36,520 --> 00:37:38,960
Speaker 1: some type of trauma, like specific type of trauma.

798
00:37:39,120 --> 00:37:41,000
Speaker 3: So that's exactly what I was going to say. So

799
00:37:41,000 --> 00:37:43,480
Speaker 3: it's important to note that. So there's different ways that

800
00:37:43,560 --> 00:37:46,760
Speaker 3: narcissists are made, right, and some of them are born.

801
00:37:47,040 --> 00:37:49,600
Speaker 3: Some of it is genetics, like a sociopath has a child,

802
00:37:49,640 --> 00:37:51,680
Speaker 3: and it's it's a mixture of nature and nurture.

803
00:37:51,760 --> 00:37:53,080
Speaker 1: But you know, some of them are born.

804
00:37:53,480 --> 00:37:56,919
Speaker 3: When you get into psychopathy, that's they're born that way, right,

805
00:37:57,000 --> 00:37:58,920
Speaker 3: it doesn't matter how they were raised, they're going to

806
00:37:58,960 --> 00:38:02,320
Speaker 3: be a psychopath, okay. And that's a no conscious disorder.

807
00:38:02,560 --> 00:38:05,719
Speaker 3: So narcissism and sociopathy when it's blended, is a low

808
00:38:05,760 --> 00:38:09,040
Speaker 3: conscious disorder, so it can be like it can develop

809
00:38:09,200 --> 00:38:12,799
Speaker 3: multiple ways. So there are some that are born out

810
00:38:12,840 --> 00:38:16,720
Speaker 3: of trauma. Okay, they had a horrible childhood. They weren't

811
00:38:16,760 --> 00:38:21,600
Speaker 3: they were either abused, abandoned, Their emotions weren't mirrored back

812
00:38:21,640 --> 00:38:24,600
Speaker 3: to them, like early childhood development was just all fucked up.

813
00:38:24,640 --> 00:38:24,960
Speaker 1: Okay.

814
00:38:25,040 --> 00:38:27,880
Speaker 3: So yeah, then they have like it's a self protective

815
00:38:27,920 --> 00:38:31,080
Speaker 3: mechanism and they just allow that to solidify and just

816
00:38:31,120 --> 00:38:33,279
Speaker 3: go through life like that because that's how they get

817
00:38:33,280 --> 00:38:34,040
Speaker 3: their needs met.

818
00:38:34,120 --> 00:38:34,480
Speaker 1: Okay.

819
00:38:34,520 --> 00:38:37,840
Speaker 3: So yeah, so it can it can happen because of trauma,

820
00:38:37,880 --> 00:38:40,200
Speaker 3: but that's not that's not it all right, And it's

821
00:38:40,239 --> 00:38:41,839
Speaker 3: important to say that too because a lot of people

822
00:38:41,880 --> 00:38:43,719
Speaker 3: are like, well, they're a narcissists. They must have had

823
00:38:43,719 --> 00:38:46,080
Speaker 3: a horrible childhood. I should have more empathy for them.

824
00:38:46,120 --> 00:38:49,399
Speaker 3: And if they're horrible childhood like made them this way,

825
00:38:49,440 --> 00:38:51,279
Speaker 3: then maybe I can love them and to being a

826
00:38:51,280 --> 00:38:54,000
Speaker 3: better person and know they're like once it's fixed, it's.

827
00:38:53,800 --> 00:38:55,080
Speaker 1: Fixed, it's there. Okay.

828
00:38:55,480 --> 00:38:58,759
Speaker 3: Another way that narcissists can be made is by being

829
00:38:58,800 --> 00:39:02,600
Speaker 3: spoiled by having a missive parent, so you can have

830
00:39:02,719 --> 00:39:04,960
Speaker 3: everything that you want and just they let you just

831
00:39:05,000 --> 00:39:07,759
Speaker 3: do whatever you want. And then that's how the narcissism

832
00:39:07,800 --> 00:39:09,440
Speaker 3: can be formed in that way.

833
00:39:10,040 --> 00:39:14,360
Speaker 1: So yeah, it's here that parents discipline. Your mother, fucking kids,

834
00:39:15,440 --> 00:39:16,719
Speaker 1: they need to be disciplined.

835
00:39:16,880 --> 00:39:19,400
Speaker 3: Yeah, and then two, like, the reason why there was

836
00:39:19,440 --> 00:39:21,799
Speaker 3: more males than there are females is because and there

837
00:39:21,840 --> 00:39:24,040
Speaker 3: are a lot of female narcissists. Like, don't get me wrong,

838
00:39:24,160 --> 00:39:27,360
Speaker 3: Like I have clients and a large after having a

839
00:39:27,640 --> 00:39:30,960
Speaker 3: male narcissistic mate. The second biggest one is having a

840
00:39:31,040 --> 00:39:34,000
Speaker 3: narcissistic mom. Okay, so there's a lot of but it

841
00:39:34,000 --> 00:39:36,480
Speaker 3: shows up differently a lot of times. It's actually diagnosis

842
00:39:36,520 --> 00:39:38,200
Speaker 3: borderline personality disorder.

843
00:39:41,480 --> 00:39:42,040
Speaker 2: It is.

844
00:39:42,120 --> 00:39:44,600
Speaker 3: And the thing with borderline personality disorder is what we're

845
00:39:44,640 --> 00:39:47,440
Speaker 3: learning is that that has more to do with trauma

846
00:39:47,640 --> 00:39:48,400
Speaker 3: than being.

847
00:39:48,200 --> 00:39:49,480
Speaker 1: A fixed character disorder.

848
00:39:49,560 --> 00:39:51,680
Speaker 3: So it's there's a lot of like I said, miss

849
00:39:51,680 --> 00:39:55,439
Speaker 3: and mix information out there. But with men, like they

850
00:39:55,680 --> 00:39:59,600
Speaker 3: store everything in their bodies right, and they're taught like, Okay,

851
00:39:59,680 --> 00:40:02,960
Speaker 3: you can can't cry, you can't process these emotions. And

852
00:40:03,000 --> 00:40:05,040
Speaker 3: one of the biggest ways to carry trauma with you

853
00:40:05,239 --> 00:40:08,080
Speaker 3: is to have repressed emotions. Okay, it gets stored in

854
00:40:08,120 --> 00:40:10,359
Speaker 3: your body, like literally out of cellular levels. So if

855
00:40:10,360 --> 00:40:13,480
Speaker 3: you think about the male archetype that they're like, Okay,

856
00:40:13,520 --> 00:40:16,839
Speaker 3: you don't cry, don't you know, don't talk about your emotions.

857
00:40:16,880 --> 00:40:17,319
Speaker 1: All of this.

858
00:40:17,600 --> 00:40:19,480
Speaker 3: That's why a lot of them get fixed in that

859
00:40:19,600 --> 00:40:22,640
Speaker 3: character disorder because they've never had an outlet for their trauma.

860
00:40:23,040 --> 00:40:25,120
Speaker 3: Now there's a big difference too in somebody that had

861
00:40:25,160 --> 00:40:27,640
Speaker 3: a really traumatic childhood and they can actually go to

862
00:40:27,719 --> 00:40:30,279
Speaker 3: therapy or go to coaching and really learn how to

863
00:40:30,320 --> 00:40:32,719
Speaker 3: process all of that stuff that's in their body and

864
00:40:32,760 --> 00:40:35,000
Speaker 3: then they can heal from that. But narcissists can't. It's

865
00:40:35,080 --> 00:40:37,600
Speaker 3: just fix that way. But that's why more males are

866
00:40:37,680 --> 00:40:40,480
Speaker 3: than females because we're encouraged to be expressive and all

867
00:40:40,520 --> 00:40:42,640
Speaker 3: of that and I mean us as black women, we

868
00:40:42,640 --> 00:40:45,440
Speaker 3: don't get as you know, the afforded the opportunity to

869
00:40:45,440 --> 00:40:47,640
Speaker 3: really express ourselves as much as we would like, right,

870
00:40:47,760 --> 00:40:50,480
Speaker 3: So we're holding space for each other. But yeah, that's

871
00:40:50,680 --> 00:40:53,000
Speaker 3: that's why it's different between male and female.

872
00:40:53,160 --> 00:40:57,040
Speaker 2: Can you have narcissistic traits and not be a narcissist?

873
00:40:57,360 --> 00:41:00,600
Speaker 3: Yeah, So narcissistic traits again, it narciss to them, exists

874
00:41:00,640 --> 00:41:03,560
Speaker 3: on a spectrum. So somebody that has narcissistic traits will

875
00:41:03,560 --> 00:41:07,320
Speaker 3: be low, like from like zero to three, and yeah,

876
00:41:07,600 --> 00:41:10,560
Speaker 3: it's definitely more of traits than an actual character disorder.

877
00:41:10,640 --> 00:41:13,719
Speaker 3: But when we talk about like that identifiable cycle of

878
00:41:13,800 --> 00:41:17,239
Speaker 3: narcissistic abuse, like pulling you in, then abusing you, and

879
00:41:17,280 --> 00:41:19,640
Speaker 3: then like discarding you and then pulling you back in

880
00:41:19,680 --> 00:41:22,200
Speaker 3: and the gas lighting and all of that, those are

881
00:41:22,280 --> 00:41:24,759
Speaker 3: usually people that are higher up on the on the spectrum.

882
00:41:24,800 --> 00:41:26,920
Speaker 3: So somebody can be really low on the spectrum, but

883
00:41:26,920 --> 00:41:29,560
Speaker 3: they're not an actual narcissist because they just have narcissistic

884
00:41:29,600 --> 00:41:32,239
Speaker 3: traits and they could possibly go to therapy to heal

885
00:41:32,280 --> 00:41:32,680
Speaker 3: from that.

886
00:41:33,080 --> 00:41:34,640
Speaker 1: But if you're like sitting here.

887
00:41:34,640 --> 00:41:36,480
Speaker 3: Like if you're listening to this and you think you're

888
00:41:36,520 --> 00:41:38,359
Speaker 3: with the narciss because you've been abused and you feel

889
00:41:38,400 --> 00:41:40,640
Speaker 3: confused and you have like brain fog and all of that.

890
00:41:40,680 --> 00:41:43,239
Speaker 3: You're dealing with an actual narcissist and that's not going

891
00:41:43,280 --> 00:41:43,720
Speaker 3: to change.

892
00:41:43,800 --> 00:41:46,239
Speaker 1: So do you have people who come to you as

893
00:41:46,239 --> 00:41:48,640
Speaker 1: a client and say, I think I'm a narcissist.

894
00:41:49,520 --> 00:41:51,479
Speaker 3: Yeah, I get a lot of that, Like via my page,

895
00:41:51,480 --> 00:41:52,919
Speaker 3: I get a lot of that. I don't answer them

896
00:41:52,920 --> 00:41:56,040
Speaker 3: because I go find a therapist. Like, I'm not a therapist,

897
00:41:56,200 --> 00:41:58,200
Speaker 3: you know what I mean, Like, I'm an actual I'm

898
00:41:58,239 --> 00:42:00,960
Speaker 3: a coach. So and I have no desire to help

899
00:42:00,960 --> 00:42:03,040
Speaker 3: people that are narcissistic and just stay away from me.

900
00:42:03,080 --> 00:42:06,480
Speaker 3: I'm helping survivors and that's it, right, But yeah, I.

901
00:42:06,480 --> 00:42:07,319
Speaker 1: Do get that a lot.

902
00:42:07,400 --> 00:42:09,319
Speaker 3: And then I also there's another thing, and this is

903
00:42:09,360 --> 00:42:12,160
Speaker 3: important to note also, is that there are people who

904
00:42:12,200 --> 00:42:14,160
Speaker 3: were raised by narcissists. So, like I said, I have

905
00:42:14,200 --> 00:42:15,160
Speaker 3: a lot of clients that had.

906
00:42:15,040 --> 00:42:17,280
Speaker 1: A narcissistic mom or a narcissistic dad.

907
00:42:17,640 --> 00:42:20,440
Speaker 3: And what happens is that your self protective programming is

908
00:42:20,480 --> 00:42:23,160
Speaker 3: fighting fire with fire. So you picked up the traits

909
00:42:23,200 --> 00:42:25,960
Speaker 3: of your parent, but you're not actually a narcissist. But

910
00:42:26,000 --> 00:42:28,160
Speaker 3: that's how that's the only way you could survive. Okay,

911
00:42:28,239 --> 00:42:30,840
Speaker 3: So a lot of people I have had some clients

912
00:42:30,840 --> 00:42:32,680
Speaker 3: that are just like I feel like I've picked up

913
00:42:32,719 --> 00:42:35,520
Speaker 3: some of their traits and that's yeah, that's very valid.

914
00:42:35,680 --> 00:42:37,920
Speaker 3: But you can heal and unlearned that once you're once

915
00:42:37,920 --> 00:42:38,480
Speaker 3: you're safe.

916
00:42:38,680 --> 00:42:41,760
Speaker 1: So oh, because you don't feel safe, you then react

917
00:42:41,800 --> 00:42:44,560
Speaker 1: in a way that make gas light or that may Yeah,

918
00:42:44,600 --> 00:42:47,120
Speaker 1: because you that's the only way you've learned to protect yourself.

919
00:42:47,160 --> 00:42:48,640
Speaker 3: Yeah, that was the only way you could survive in

920
00:42:48,640 --> 00:42:50,759
Speaker 3: a household with other narcissists.

921
00:42:50,800 --> 00:42:55,279
Speaker 2: So yeah, so what do you think, like, what are

922
00:42:55,280 --> 00:42:59,359
Speaker 2: the beginning stages of like healing from a narcissist, Like,

923
00:42:59,360 --> 00:43:03,200
Speaker 2: what is like the first step besides leaving?

924
00:43:03,480 --> 00:43:06,680
Speaker 3: Yeah, so yeah, number one is harm reduction, like get out,

925
00:43:07,040 --> 00:43:10,120
Speaker 3: get out, get out, all right, so you're safe. And

926
00:43:10,160 --> 00:43:13,359
Speaker 3: then number two is partner with somebody Like a lot

927
00:43:13,400 --> 00:43:16,280
Speaker 3: of narsists like to isolate you from your friends, your family,

928
00:43:16,320 --> 00:43:16,640
Speaker 3: all of that.

929
00:43:16,680 --> 00:43:18,080
Speaker 1: So you have no support systems.

930
00:43:18,320 --> 00:43:20,080
Speaker 3: So that's the first thing I said, no matter whatever

931
00:43:20,200 --> 00:43:24,040
Speaker 3: form that comes in close, friends, coach, therapist, somebody that

932
00:43:24,160 --> 00:43:27,680
Speaker 3: gets it, like, have a support system. And then after

933
00:43:27,760 --> 00:43:31,080
Speaker 3: that literally like focusing on like your nervous system, like

934
00:43:31,320 --> 00:43:33,520
Speaker 3: on learning all of the things. Cause your brain actually

935
00:43:33,600 --> 00:43:36,680
Speaker 3: changes when you're in these relationships, like you have like

936
00:43:36,760 --> 00:43:40,920
Speaker 3: brain fog, Like the chemical biochemical like part of your

937
00:43:40,960 --> 00:43:44,440
Speaker 3: brain changes, so you have to Yeah, it's just a

938
00:43:44,480 --> 00:43:46,839
Speaker 3: mixture between like the stress hormones that are constantly running

939
00:43:46,840 --> 00:43:47,360
Speaker 3: through your body.

940
00:43:47,440 --> 00:43:49,080
Speaker 1: So like for me, I had a drenal fatigue. Me

941
00:43:49,200 --> 00:43:50,120
Speaker 1: my adrenals were like.

942
00:43:50,280 --> 00:43:52,719
Speaker 3: Fuck it, we're not doing anything else. I was having

943
00:43:52,719 --> 00:43:54,960
Speaker 3: like three panic attacks per day. There was a time

944
00:43:55,000 --> 00:43:57,319
Speaker 3: where I was so brain fogged I couldn't read. I

945
00:43:57,360 --> 00:43:59,120
Speaker 3: had to like go on leave from my job. Like,

946
00:43:59,160 --> 00:44:02,319
Speaker 3: your brain changes, because what happens is that it's like

947
00:44:02,880 --> 00:44:05,520
Speaker 3: all the energy is being used to protect you, and

948
00:44:05,560 --> 00:44:08,600
Speaker 3: then with the you know, stress hormones constantly running through

949
00:44:08,640 --> 00:44:11,160
Speaker 3: your nervous system, you're in constant fight or flight.

950
00:44:11,440 --> 00:44:12,720
Speaker 1: Okay, So it's really.

951
00:44:12,600 --> 00:44:15,000
Speaker 3: A matter like healing from narcissistic abuse is more of

952
00:44:15,040 --> 00:44:18,399
Speaker 3: a physical healing process than it is anything else. It's

953
00:44:18,400 --> 00:44:21,000
Speaker 3: a process of like sending messages from your body to

954
00:44:21,040 --> 00:44:25,000
Speaker 3: your brain that you're finally safe and continuing that self care.

955
00:44:25,160 --> 00:44:27,279
Speaker 3: So the brain fag goes away and all.

956
00:44:27,280 --> 00:44:30,879
Speaker 1: That reassuring yourself, yeah you're safe now, that's not where

957
00:44:30,880 --> 00:44:33,680
Speaker 1: you're atting and that you can like react in a

958
00:44:33,719 --> 00:44:34,440
Speaker 1: different way.

959
00:44:34,320 --> 00:44:36,560
Speaker 3: One hundred percent yeah, because if not, the triggers will

960
00:44:36,640 --> 00:44:38,560
Speaker 3: keep going. The you know, the nightmare is how you

961
00:44:38,560 --> 00:44:40,799
Speaker 3: show up in other relationships, it'll affect all of that.

962
00:44:41,239 --> 00:44:43,600
Speaker 3: So in that like I do a bottom up approach,

963
00:44:43,640 --> 00:44:47,560
Speaker 3: so it's literally focusing on the body like literally somatically

964
00:44:47,840 --> 00:44:53,480
Speaker 3: like breath work, meditation, movement, massage, all of that. It

965
00:44:53,719 --> 00:44:55,960
Speaker 3: sends messages to your nervous system that you're safe.

966
00:44:56,000 --> 00:44:57,839
Speaker 1: So that's the biggest thing. And I like to say

967
00:44:57,840 --> 00:44:58,640
Speaker 1: that too because a lot.

968
00:44:58,600 --> 00:45:01,960
Speaker 3: Of people are like, okay, of the relationship safe now,

969
00:45:02,000 --> 00:45:04,120
Speaker 3: and they don't want to They wonder whether their symptoms

970
00:45:04,200 --> 00:45:06,799
Speaker 3: keep you know, keep going and while they still have

971
00:45:06,920 --> 00:45:09,560
Speaker 3: like problems like in relationship with other people and that

972
00:45:09,680 --> 00:45:10,120
Speaker 3: kind of thing.

973
00:45:10,239 --> 00:45:13,640
Speaker 2: So I think for me, like I realized that, I

974
00:45:13,680 --> 00:45:19,120
Speaker 2: think I think that in my relationship the narcist that

975
00:45:19,120 --> 00:45:23,239
Speaker 2: I was in a relationship with his narcissism, I mean

976
00:45:23,239 --> 00:45:25,640
Speaker 2: he was like maybe like a little baby narcissist at first,

977
00:45:26,200 --> 00:45:28,200
Speaker 2: but then it just like it was it was like

978
00:45:28,239 --> 00:45:30,319
Speaker 2: baby it was like, oh, he's so egotistical, but like,

979
00:45:30,440 --> 00:45:34,520
Speaker 2: you know, confident, He's so confident, he's so fun. We

980
00:45:34,520 --> 00:45:37,240
Speaker 2: have so much fun together. And now it's it's grown

981
00:45:37,280 --> 00:45:41,680
Speaker 2: and grown and grown, and now it's very apparent. It's

982
00:45:41,760 --> 00:45:46,960
Speaker 2: so apparent. So then leaving that relationship and then dating,

983
00:45:47,480 --> 00:45:51,000
Speaker 2: I found that I was still attracting a narcissists. They

984
00:45:51,040 --> 00:45:53,600
Speaker 2: weren't showing up like him. They were showing up in

985
00:45:53,600 --> 00:45:56,520
Speaker 2: different ways. And it's like it took me a while.

986
00:45:56,520 --> 00:45:59,160
Speaker 2: I was like, wow, it's like it's like a narcissist

987
00:45:59,160 --> 00:46:01,560
Speaker 2: in like Sheep's. I'm like, how the fuck did how

988
00:46:01,600 --> 00:46:03,680
Speaker 2: the fuck did I get here? Again? Like you're not

989
00:46:03,920 --> 00:46:06,879
Speaker 2: like him, but like you are. It's like them showing

990
00:46:06,960 --> 00:46:08,799
Speaker 2: up in different ways can be really confusing for women,

991
00:46:08,840 --> 00:46:11,080
Speaker 2: and I think, like for me, I know, I had

992
00:46:11,120 --> 00:46:11,800
Speaker 2: to ask myself.

993
00:46:11,800 --> 00:46:13,399
Speaker 1: I was like, am I a narcissist?

994
00:46:13,680 --> 00:46:15,520
Speaker 2: Like? Am I a narcist? Is that why I keep

995
00:46:15,520 --> 00:46:18,320
Speaker 2: attracting narcissists? And then someone was like, no, a narcissist

996
00:46:18,360 --> 00:46:20,240
Speaker 2: does don't attract narcissists? Is that true?

997
00:46:20,600 --> 00:46:21,760
Speaker 1: Yeah, that is very true.

998
00:46:21,800 --> 00:46:24,200
Speaker 3: So the large majority of people that and I hate that,

999
00:46:24,640 --> 00:46:26,560
Speaker 3: like for the lack of a better term, like, you

1000
00:46:26,560 --> 00:46:28,839
Speaker 3: don't attract narcissists. So this is what I like to say, right,

1001
00:46:28,880 --> 00:46:30,480
Speaker 3: I just had this conversation a couple of days ago.

1002
00:46:30,719 --> 00:46:34,320
Speaker 3: We're beautiful women. We attract everything. It's who we allow

1003
00:46:34,440 --> 00:46:36,720
Speaker 3: to stay, all right. So, and a lot of times

1004
00:46:36,719 --> 00:46:39,879
Speaker 3: the person that we allowed to stay reminds us of

1005
00:46:39,920 --> 00:46:42,399
Speaker 3: something that happened in the past. If it's what your

1006
00:46:42,440 --> 00:46:46,279
Speaker 3: nervous system deems familiar, because unfortunately, that primitive part of

1007
00:46:46,280 --> 00:46:49,879
Speaker 3: your brain and your body thinks familiar eCos safe, even

1008
00:46:49,920 --> 00:46:53,520
Speaker 3: if it doesn't. So subconsciously you're attracted to this person

1009
00:46:53,880 --> 00:46:57,200
Speaker 3: that feels like that abusive relationship or that feels like

1010
00:46:57,280 --> 00:46:58,240
Speaker 3: the abusive pearance.

1011
00:46:58,280 --> 00:46:59,560
Speaker 1: That's why a lot of people are like I.

1012
00:46:59,560 --> 00:47:02,319
Speaker 3: Grew up in abusive household and then I literally I

1013
00:47:02,480 --> 00:47:04,759
Speaker 3: the narcissis in my life was a living, breathing, like

1014
00:47:05,040 --> 00:47:05,840
Speaker 3: new version.

1015
00:47:05,600 --> 00:47:06,520
Speaker 1: Of my dad.

1016
00:47:06,640 --> 00:47:09,839
Speaker 3: You know, the trauma bon Yeah, absolutely, trauma bon Yeah,

1017
00:47:09,920 --> 00:47:12,120
Speaker 3: that's what that's the that's the glue of the trauma bon.

1018
00:47:12,239 --> 00:47:12,439
Speaker 2: Right.

1019
00:47:12,760 --> 00:47:15,560
Speaker 3: So, yeah, you you don't attract narcissists. It's just like

1020
00:47:15,640 --> 00:47:18,280
Speaker 3: you attract everybody and then you you feel they're familiar,

1021
00:47:18,400 --> 00:47:22,120
Speaker 3: so you're nervous attracted to Yeah, absolutely, and and the

1022
00:47:22,480 --> 00:47:24,719
Speaker 3: process of learning that is just a process of like

1023
00:47:25,000 --> 00:47:27,360
Speaker 3: healing the core wounds that you have, Like do you

1024
00:47:27,360 --> 00:47:30,160
Speaker 3: have core wounds or rejection, abandonment, that kind of thing

1025
00:47:30,239 --> 00:47:32,520
Speaker 3: that connected you to that first narcissist?

1026
00:47:32,880 --> 00:47:34,440
Speaker 1: And have you healed those wounds?

1027
00:47:34,480 --> 00:47:36,919
Speaker 3: Because I say, like a healed person or healed woman

1028
00:47:36,920 --> 00:47:39,319
Speaker 3: that's like embodied in her feminine will not.

1029
00:47:39,600 --> 00:47:42,239
Speaker 1: Like, yeah you can't. Yeah, you're you're not gonna be

1030
00:47:42,320 --> 00:47:43,160
Speaker 1: around a narcissis.

1031
00:47:43,200 --> 00:47:45,160
Speaker 2: You're not gonna be petrate you. Yeah.

1032
00:47:45,239 --> 00:47:47,439
Speaker 3: Yeah, they will come towards you, but then you'll see

1033
00:47:47,440 --> 00:47:49,759
Speaker 3: the red flags. You'll trust your intuition, you'll walk away

1034
00:47:49,800 --> 00:47:51,640
Speaker 3: at the first, you know, a couple of red flags.

1035
00:47:51,680 --> 00:47:59,040
Speaker 2: So I'm attracted to alpha males. I find though that

1036
00:47:59,120 --> 00:48:03,200
Speaker 2: a lot of alpha male have narcissistic tendencies. Is this

1037
00:48:03,560 --> 00:48:07,719
Speaker 2: like an overall theme of alpha males or am I

1038
00:48:07,880 --> 00:48:10,240
Speaker 2: just not with the alpha males that I'm attracted to aren't

1039
00:48:10,320 --> 00:48:11,760
Speaker 2: genuinely alpha males.

1040
00:48:12,160 --> 00:48:15,279
Speaker 3: Yes, so it can be. So I know exactly what

1041
00:48:15,320 --> 00:48:17,839
Speaker 3: you're talking about too. I'm like alpha male like they

1042
00:48:17,880 --> 00:48:19,600
Speaker 3: have to be like a certain height big, I have

1043
00:48:19,640 --> 00:48:22,000
Speaker 3: to feel small around them like all of that, like

1044
00:48:22,239 --> 00:48:23,839
Speaker 3: but in a physical way, in a good way, right,

1045
00:48:23,840 --> 00:48:27,239
Speaker 3: in healthy way. So yeah, there are some men that

1046
00:48:27,400 --> 00:48:30,279
Speaker 3: masquerade as alpha males that it's a lot.

1047
00:48:30,400 --> 00:48:31,560
Speaker 1: It's really them.

1048
00:48:31,400 --> 00:48:35,520
Speaker 3: Being insecure and that's how they overcompensate in that way. Okay,

1049
00:48:35,760 --> 00:48:40,120
Speaker 3: So a healthy masculine and a healthy alpha male is

1050
00:48:40,160 --> 00:48:41,920
Speaker 3: going to be like grounded in their body and their

1051
00:48:41,920 --> 00:48:44,840
Speaker 3: truth and really have a safe space.

1052
00:48:44,480 --> 00:48:46,200
Speaker 1: For the feminine, you know what I mean.

1053
00:48:46,320 --> 00:48:49,120
Speaker 3: So they can still be like you know, like they'll

1054
00:48:49,120 --> 00:48:51,239
Speaker 3: handle things if it needs to be handled. They'll make

1055
00:48:51,320 --> 00:48:53,680
Speaker 3: you feel like, you know, small and like in a

1056
00:48:53,680 --> 00:48:56,319
Speaker 3: good way again, like protected and all of that.

1057
00:48:56,719 --> 00:48:58,040
Speaker 1: But if they're if they have.

1058
00:48:58,160 --> 00:49:01,359
Speaker 3: Like traits that are like okay, well they're not like

1059
00:49:01,400 --> 00:49:04,200
Speaker 3: their mind body is just connected, like they don't have

1060
00:49:04,320 --> 00:49:06,880
Speaker 3: empathy and they don't have time for anything that's like

1061
00:49:07,000 --> 00:49:08,000
Speaker 3: not surface level.

1062
00:49:08,239 --> 00:49:10,000
Speaker 1: And that's not really a true alpha male.

1063
00:49:10,040 --> 00:49:12,319
Speaker 3: It's just somebody that's like more insecure, and that's how

1064
00:49:12,320 --> 00:49:13,680
Speaker 3: they overcompensate in that way.

1065
00:49:13,760 --> 00:49:14,880
Speaker 1: But like I have like my.

1066
00:49:14,960 --> 00:49:19,080
Speaker 3: Fiance, alpha male ex rugby player six four, big guy, tough,

1067
00:49:19,440 --> 00:49:22,560
Speaker 3: but he's grounded in his body and in his emotions.

1068
00:49:22,560 --> 00:49:25,120
Speaker 3: He's done his work to heal his trauma. So he's

1069
00:49:25,120 --> 00:49:28,239
Speaker 3: an alpha male, but a very healthy, safe alpha male

1070
00:49:28,320 --> 00:49:29,200
Speaker 3: for me, so.

1071
00:49:29,320 --> 00:49:31,279
Speaker 1: Not like projecting his trauma onto you.

1072
00:49:32,280 --> 00:49:34,480
Speaker 3: And there was a time where he was back in

1073
00:49:34,520 --> 00:49:36,399
Speaker 3: the past, not to me, but just in general because

1074
00:49:36,440 --> 00:49:37,280
Speaker 3: he hadn't healed.

1075
00:49:37,320 --> 00:49:38,480
Speaker 1: But and the thing with.

1076
00:49:38,520 --> 00:49:41,920
Speaker 3: Most actual narcissists that again, they can't introspect to the

1077
00:49:42,000 --> 00:49:44,040
Speaker 3: level where they're never going to do that inner work

1078
00:49:44,040 --> 00:49:45,160
Speaker 3: that really needs to happen.

1079
00:49:46,160 --> 00:49:56,920
Speaker 2: So yeah, guys, so deep, I think that like in

1080
00:49:56,960 --> 00:50:01,000
Speaker 2: my dating, I think, being a survivor a narcissist and

1081
00:50:01,000 --> 00:50:03,480
Speaker 2: me not even realizing that he was a narcissist. I

1082
00:50:03,520 --> 00:50:06,440
Speaker 2: really think until far after we broke up, it like

1083
00:50:06,560 --> 00:50:09,840
Speaker 2: wasn't like I was navigating in this relationship and I

1084
00:50:09,840 --> 00:50:12,600
Speaker 2: didn't end it because well it's sort of did because

1085
00:50:12,600 --> 00:50:15,239
Speaker 2: of his narcissism, but like that wasn't why, you know,

1086
00:50:15,360 --> 00:50:20,120
Speaker 2: and then like afterwards really understanding, oh shit, like I've

1087
00:50:20,160 --> 00:50:22,799
Speaker 2: been in a relationship with a narcissist for a good

1088
00:50:22,880 --> 00:50:26,799
Speaker 2: part of my life, not understanding how the trauma has

1089
00:50:26,800 --> 00:50:30,680
Speaker 2: shown up for me and how even now, like I

1090
00:50:30,800 --> 00:50:35,560
Speaker 2: question my I like sometimes I'm nervous about the people

1091
00:50:35,640 --> 00:50:37,759
Speaker 2: that I choose, Like I get nervous when I like

1092
00:50:37,840 --> 00:50:40,880
Speaker 2: someone because I'm like, is that a narcissist trade? Like

1093
00:50:40,920 --> 00:50:42,760
Speaker 2: I have so much so that I've told my friends.

1094
00:50:42,800 --> 00:50:45,040
Speaker 2: I was like, hey, so the next person that I did,

1095
00:50:45,040 --> 00:50:48,719
Speaker 2: I need you to meet him immediately. I actually took

1096
00:50:48,760 --> 00:50:51,799
Speaker 2: this recently. I like literally threw this guy into like

1097
00:50:51,960 --> 00:50:55,200
Speaker 2: the fire of like meeting all my friends at once.

1098
00:50:56,719 --> 00:51:02,000
Speaker 2: Poor guy, And like, because I feel like sometimes like

1099
00:51:02,040 --> 00:51:05,839
Speaker 2: my narcissist radar is off, I don't really know how

1100
00:51:06,000 --> 00:51:07,920
Speaker 2: well now I think I have a better understanding of

1101
00:51:07,920 --> 00:51:09,960
Speaker 2: how to identify them, but I think a lot of

1102
00:51:09,960 --> 00:51:11,640
Speaker 2: times they can be really it can be really hard

1103
00:51:11,680 --> 00:51:13,799
Speaker 2: because it doesn't show up immediately, and then you become

1104
00:51:13,800 --> 00:51:16,320
Speaker 2: attached to this person, and then you start making excuses

1105
00:51:16,360 --> 00:51:19,600
Speaker 2: for this person, and then it's years later and you're

1106
00:51:19,600 --> 00:51:21,640
Speaker 2: still with this person, and then you have to recover

1107
00:51:21,719 --> 00:51:24,400
Speaker 2: from that. Like do you think that people actually like

1108
00:51:24,840 --> 00:51:27,920
Speaker 2: can fully recover from like I'm malignant narcissist?

1109
00:51:29,200 --> 00:51:32,480
Speaker 1: I did. Yeah, Yeah, I didn't have hundreds of clients.

1110
00:51:32,520 --> 00:51:34,479
Speaker 2: How long do you think it? How long does it take?

1111
00:51:34,560 --> 00:51:39,160
Speaker 1: How long were you in therapy? Well the relationship versus

1112
00:51:39,200 --> 00:51:41,080
Speaker 1: how long I had to be in therapy after the relationship.

1113
00:51:41,160 --> 00:51:44,160
Speaker 3: Yeah, well, like to that point, I talk a lot

1114
00:51:44,360 --> 00:51:47,160
Speaker 3: about this. Unfortunately, like the mental health like field is

1115
00:51:47,280 --> 00:51:50,759
Speaker 3: not like you actually got re traumatized in therapy. Y.

1116
00:51:50,760 --> 00:51:52,480
Speaker 3: I went from therapists and therapists and they had no

1117
00:51:52,520 --> 00:51:54,799
Speaker 3: clue what was going on. Like, so I was trying

1118
00:51:54,800 --> 00:51:57,040
Speaker 3: to tell them, you know, this is why these physical

1119
00:51:57,120 --> 00:51:59,600
Speaker 3: symptoms are showing up, and they're like, well, we haven't

1120
00:51:59,640 --> 00:52:01,520
Speaker 3: diagnosed him as a narcissist, so we're not going to

1121
00:52:01,600 --> 00:52:02,520
Speaker 3: talk about any of.

1122
00:52:02,440 --> 00:52:04,440
Speaker 1: That, so we don't know him. We don't have to

1123
00:52:04,480 --> 00:52:05,920
Speaker 1: talk about Yeah, so what.

1124
00:52:06,200 --> 00:52:09,279
Speaker 3: So just bringing up like being in therapy, I want

1125
00:52:09,320 --> 00:52:11,120
Speaker 3: to say, like I have a lot of great friends

1126
00:52:11,120 --> 00:52:14,480
Speaker 3: that are actual psychotherapists or you know, counselors and stuff,

1127
00:52:14,480 --> 00:52:16,720
Speaker 3: but make sure that they have a body of knowledge

1128
00:52:16,760 --> 00:52:19,839
Speaker 3: around narcissistic abuse and they know what it is, because

1129
00:52:19,880 --> 00:52:22,080
Speaker 3: if not, you'll it'll you know, you'll end up worse

1130
00:52:22,120 --> 00:52:23,600
Speaker 3: than when you when you walked in the door.

1131
00:52:23,760 --> 00:52:26,600
Speaker 1: So yeah, it makes you question yourself more like IM.

1132
00:52:26,600 --> 00:52:29,319
Speaker 1: I think that's what happens a lot, just in any

1133
00:52:29,640 --> 00:52:32,960
Speaker 1: like relationship with a narcissist, there's a lot of questioning yourself.

1134
00:52:33,200 --> 00:52:35,160
Speaker 1: Am I tripping? Am I wrong? Did I do? Was

1135
00:52:35,160 --> 00:52:38,000
Speaker 1: I insensitive? Was I Did I hurt this person? And

1136
00:52:38,040 --> 00:52:40,319
Speaker 1: like that. I think it's also important, like Eric has said,

1137
00:52:40,400 --> 00:52:43,680
Speaker 1: like not throwing them in the fire immediately with your friends,

1138
00:52:44,080 --> 00:52:48,719
Speaker 1: but recognizing if if a person you're dating is constantly

1139
00:52:48,800 --> 00:52:54,240
Speaker 1: trying to avoid your friends and keep you to themselves,

1140
00:52:54,320 --> 00:52:57,680
Speaker 1: like you said, isolate, then like that's an immediately a

1141
00:52:57,719 --> 00:53:01,200
Speaker 1: red flag because they're afraid that your friends are going

1142
00:53:01,239 --> 00:53:03,880
Speaker 1: to be smart enough to identify them and then tell you,

1143
00:53:03,920 --> 00:53:05,600
Speaker 1: and then you're going to be smart enough to say

1144
00:53:05,680 --> 00:53:08,520
Speaker 1: I'm good. So I like, I find a lot of

1145
00:53:08,520 --> 00:53:10,759
Speaker 1: women do that. They think it's like romantic and cute

1146
00:53:10,800 --> 00:53:12,759
Speaker 1: and shit, like oh, you would just be around me

1147
00:53:12,840 --> 00:53:15,320
Speaker 1: like it's us time and shit, But like, no, bitch,

1148
00:53:15,719 --> 00:53:17,360
Speaker 1: that was me.

1149
00:53:17,600 --> 00:53:20,160
Speaker 3: I was that bitch was literally at the beginning of

1150
00:53:20,160 --> 00:53:22,840
Speaker 3: the relationship, I was like, this man would keep me

1151
00:53:22,960 --> 00:53:25,759
Speaker 3: in the same room in a house for like hours,

1152
00:53:25,840 --> 00:53:28,239
Speaker 3: and I thought, because you obviously that U sucks is

1153
00:53:28,320 --> 00:53:30,000
Speaker 3: like you know, a tool and stuff like that, and

1154
00:53:30,040 --> 00:53:31,680
Speaker 3: I'm like, they do use as a tool. It just

1155
00:53:31,719 --> 00:53:33,160
Speaker 3: wants to be it's just me and him, and we

1156
00:53:33,160 --> 00:53:35,719
Speaker 3: stayed in that like the house for like twenty four

1157
00:53:35,719 --> 00:53:37,640
Speaker 3: hours and like in a room for like you know,

1158
00:53:37,800 --> 00:53:39,839
Speaker 3: all this time, and my friend was looking at me like.

1159
00:53:39,840 --> 00:53:43,880
Speaker 1: What, like that sounds kind of crazy. Are you kidnapped?

1160
00:53:44,160 --> 00:53:44,560
Speaker 2: Yeah?

1161
00:53:44,880 --> 00:53:46,280
Speaker 1: Literally, And like my phone.

1162
00:53:46,320 --> 00:53:48,000
Speaker 3: He would take my phone and put it away, like

1163
00:53:48,040 --> 00:53:50,040
Speaker 3: we don't want phones, we don't want distractions. But this

1164
00:53:50,080 --> 00:53:52,560
Speaker 3: was during the grooming stag used to love bombing, right,

1165
00:53:52,640 --> 00:53:55,520
Speaker 3: and so that is what kept me in the relationship

1166
00:53:55,600 --> 00:53:58,040
Speaker 3: even when the red flags, or they were not even

1167
00:53:58,080 --> 00:53:59,919
Speaker 3: red flags at this point. They were just like full

1168
00:54:00,080 --> 00:54:01,839
Speaker 3: on like flares and shit, like you know.

1169
00:54:01,840 --> 00:54:05,280
Speaker 1: A whole siren, like a whole the whole side.

1170
00:54:05,480 --> 00:54:08,040
Speaker 3: Yeah, the house was burning and we're slow dancing together

1171
00:54:08,080 --> 00:54:09,480
Speaker 3: and there and I'm like, I don't know what's happening,

1172
00:54:09,520 --> 00:54:11,880
Speaker 3: But that's what happens in the relationship. That that's the

1173
00:54:12,120 --> 00:54:14,759
Speaker 3: trauma bonding and the cognitive dissonance that happens.

1174
00:54:15,320 --> 00:54:17,920
Speaker 1: You mentioned like the physical like the sex part. I

1175
00:54:17,960 --> 00:54:21,319
Speaker 1: wonder if like most narcissists have bomb sex because they've

1176
00:54:21,400 --> 00:54:24,960
Speaker 1: learned to like manipulate, like they've learned to manipulate through

1177
00:54:24,960 --> 00:54:26,600
Speaker 1: the physical and like, well they.

1178
00:54:26,560 --> 00:54:28,560
Speaker 2: Always say like the best sex is with the most

1179
00:54:28,560 --> 00:54:29,360
Speaker 2: toxic person.

1180
00:54:29,680 --> 00:54:30,840
Speaker 1: But so you can.

1181
00:54:30,800 --> 00:54:35,960
Speaker 3: Have a healthy relationship and have toxic sex, right right,

1182
00:54:36,200 --> 00:54:41,799
Speaker 3: So like yeah, but no, most like most of them,

1183
00:54:42,040 --> 00:54:44,239
Speaker 3: And I've heard like a little bit of both. Right,

1184
00:54:44,400 --> 00:54:46,400
Speaker 3: it depends on what type of narcissists they are. So

1185
00:54:46,560 --> 00:54:48,840
Speaker 3: to that point, there's a type of narcissist called a

1186
00:54:48,880 --> 00:54:52,839
Speaker 3: somatic narcissist. So somatic narcissist, and I think that's kind

1187
00:54:52,840 --> 00:54:54,600
Speaker 3: of what my ex was too. It's like, you know,

1188
00:54:54,719 --> 00:54:57,239
Speaker 3: you can that can be comorbid, right, So he was

1189
00:54:57,440 --> 00:55:01,160
Speaker 3: malignant but also somatic narcissist. These guys or these people

1190
00:55:01,320 --> 00:55:04,680
Speaker 3: will be like in the gym, they'll be like bodybuilders

1191
00:55:04,680 --> 00:55:06,840
Speaker 3: and like their physique, like they lead with that, that

1192
00:55:06,960 --> 00:55:09,720
Speaker 3: seduction of women, and then they lead with sex.

1193
00:55:10,560 --> 00:55:12,680
Speaker 2: I got my box from like a Kitten. You might

1194
00:55:12,719 --> 00:55:15,920
Speaker 2: have seen me post it on Instagram. I'm fucking obsessed.

1195
00:55:16,480 --> 00:55:19,279
Speaker 1: It's just like the perfect gift, surprise gift to keep

1196
00:55:19,280 --> 00:55:22,279
Speaker 1: it sexy literally every month, without having to get in

1197
00:55:22,320 --> 00:55:24,200
Speaker 1: a car, go to a shop, it just comes right

1198
00:55:24,239 --> 00:55:27,480
Speaker 1: to your fucking front door and it's sexy time this month.

1199
00:55:27,520 --> 00:55:31,000
Speaker 2: They're helping you choose your own adventure with their Byob box.

1200
00:55:31,080 --> 00:55:33,200
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1201
00:55:33,239 --> 00:55:37,640
Speaker 2: their six categories. I'm talking toys, beauty products, loubes, cleansers,

1202
00:55:37,760 --> 00:55:38,839
Speaker 2: sexy accessories.

1203
00:55:39,040 --> 00:55:41,960
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1204
00:55:42,000 --> 00:55:44,680
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1205
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1206
00:55:48,440 --> 00:55:51,200
Speaker 1: get twenty percent off these incredible boxes.

1207
00:55:51,400 --> 00:55:55,799
Speaker 2: The link is in this episode's description, You're welcome. So

1208
00:55:55,920 --> 00:55:56,520
Speaker 2: that's a.

1209
00:55:56,920 --> 00:55:59,719
Speaker 3: Whole certain type of narcissists. Also, it's called us so

1210
00:55:59,800 --> 00:56:01,719
Speaker 3: mad narcissa.

1211
00:56:02,600 --> 00:56:04,080
Speaker 1: Physical. They lead with the.

1212
00:56:04,000 --> 00:56:10,680
Speaker 3: Physicality, They lead with physicality. Yeah, and sex is really intense.

1213
00:56:10,719 --> 00:56:15,759
Speaker 3: But the thing is that, like they they you think

1214
00:56:15,800 --> 00:56:19,200
Speaker 3: it's like intimacy when it's really intensity. So it'll be

1215
00:56:19,239 --> 00:56:21,319
Speaker 3: really intense and once you know, you'll look back and

1216
00:56:21,360 --> 00:56:23,480
Speaker 3: be like, oh, that was more intense than it was

1217
00:56:23,520 --> 00:56:24,280
Speaker 3: like intimate.

1218
00:56:24,840 --> 00:56:26,040
Speaker 1: So that's how they do that.

1219
00:56:26,080 --> 00:56:27,920
Speaker 3: But a lot of yeah, a lot of survivors are

1220
00:56:27,920 --> 00:56:29,960
Speaker 3: like okay, like the sex is great. Then there's a

1221
00:56:30,000 --> 00:56:33,680
Speaker 3: whole other type, like the covert narcissist that usually the

1222
00:56:33,719 --> 00:56:37,120
Speaker 3: sex is boring, mechanical, like they don't even know how

1223
00:56:37,160 --> 00:56:39,680
Speaker 3: to perform in a way where it's just like bloods

1224
00:56:39,719 --> 00:56:40,640
Speaker 3: just all about them.

1225
00:56:40,680 --> 00:56:41,800
Speaker 1: They don't know how to please.

1226
00:56:41,960 --> 00:56:45,520
Speaker 3: And they also do this thing that's called withholding. So

1227
00:56:45,680 --> 00:56:48,279
Speaker 3: after you get in a relationship with them, then they'll

1228
00:56:48,320 --> 00:56:49,759
Speaker 3: start to be like I don't want to have sex

1229
00:56:49,760 --> 00:56:51,840
Speaker 3: with you, like your gross blah blah blah whatever, and

1230
00:56:51,840 --> 00:56:54,759
Speaker 3: they'll make you to erode your self esteem. So that's

1231
00:56:54,760 --> 00:56:56,920
Speaker 3: the whole type of narcissist also where they do that

1232
00:56:56,960 --> 00:56:59,399
Speaker 3: whole withholding and sex with them is just like a chore,

1233
00:57:00,320 --> 00:57:02,319
Speaker 3: but they'll they'll still like do that to kind of

1234
00:57:02,360 --> 00:57:03,439
Speaker 3: like mess with their head.

1235
00:57:03,880 --> 00:57:06,040
Speaker 1: Or I feel like it's like like a treat, you know,

1236
00:57:06,120 --> 00:57:09,360
Speaker 1: like they give you this like amazing experience in the beginning,

1237
00:57:09,400 --> 00:57:11,799
Speaker 1: the love bombing, and then they remove it, and so

1238
00:57:11,840 --> 00:57:13,279
Speaker 1: you're always looking for that and then they give you

1239
00:57:13,320 --> 00:57:14,920
Speaker 1: a little bit, so it feels like a treat, like

1240
00:57:14,960 --> 00:57:17,400
Speaker 1: a like a mouse getting their snack. You Like you're

1241
00:57:17,400 --> 00:57:19,120
Speaker 1: getting to like it's like a high, like you're going

1242
00:57:19,200 --> 00:57:21,200
Speaker 1: up and down, and so you're you're high on this

1243
00:57:21,400 --> 00:57:24,120
Speaker 1: love and they pull the rug from beneath your feet

1244
00:57:24,240 --> 00:57:26,760
Speaker 1: and then you're searching for that validation again. You're searching

1245
00:57:26,800 --> 00:57:30,160
Speaker 1: for that intimacy and that love and that intensity, and no,

1246
00:57:30,240 --> 00:57:31,400
Speaker 1: one day they just don't want to touch you. What

1247
00:57:31,440 --> 00:57:33,400
Speaker 1: the fuck are you talking about? We just had sex yesterday.

1248
00:57:34,000 --> 00:57:37,919
Speaker 1: And then they yeah, my ex is to do that too.

1249
00:57:38,000 --> 00:57:39,960
Speaker 3: Some of them like punish me like that too, Yes,

1250
00:57:40,120 --> 00:57:42,280
Speaker 3: that's like pull it away in that kind of thing.

1251
00:57:42,360 --> 00:57:45,480
Speaker 1: Yeah, absolutely, it's like and then you're like, yeah, punishing,

1252
00:57:45,680 --> 00:57:48,400
Speaker 1: Like it's strange, and you find yourself in this weird

1253
00:57:48,480 --> 00:57:50,560
Speaker 1: cycle and you're like, how the fuck did I get

1254
00:57:50,560 --> 00:57:56,080
Speaker 1: here getting fucking like punished. I was dating someone and

1255
00:57:56,120 --> 00:57:58,920
Speaker 1: he was very like there was a lot of ownership,

1256
00:57:58,960 --> 00:58:01,200
Speaker 1: a lot of jealousy. I feel like the narcissist that

1257
00:58:01,240 --> 00:58:04,600
Speaker 1: I've dated, there's a lot of jealousy and ego and ownership,

1258
00:58:04,920 --> 00:58:06,840
Speaker 1: and like, if you know me, you know that doesn't

1259
00:58:06,880 --> 00:58:10,680
Speaker 1: really work that well for my personality type. But like

1260
00:58:10,840 --> 00:58:14,720
Speaker 1: using words like you don't compromise and you're not obedient,

1261
00:58:15,520 --> 00:58:18,160
Speaker 1: and me thinking like damn, like maybe like I am

1262
00:58:18,240 --> 00:58:20,720
Speaker 1: too free and I'm not being obedient and I'm maybe

1263
00:58:21,320 --> 00:58:24,440
Speaker 1: love requires you to compromise and you're not compromising, Jamila,

1264
00:58:24,520 --> 00:58:27,240
Speaker 1: and so this is why I'm punishing you, basically, And

1265
00:58:27,280 --> 00:58:29,480
Speaker 1: it's just like this weird like you get caught up

1266
00:58:29,480 --> 00:58:32,960
Speaker 1: in this this addiction to the intimacy or whatever you

1267
00:58:33,000 --> 00:58:35,800
Speaker 1: feel like is intimacy at the time because it feels good,

1268
00:58:35,800 --> 00:58:38,320
Speaker 1: but only temporarily, and then like those those highs and

1269
00:58:38,360 --> 00:58:41,400
Speaker 1: those lows of the relationship is what you become addicted to.

1270
00:58:41,560 --> 00:58:45,520
Speaker 1: And it almost kind of feels fun because you're chasing

1271
00:58:45,560 --> 00:58:47,320
Speaker 1: something you know, but then at the end it's just

1272
00:58:47,360 --> 00:58:50,680
Speaker 1: fucking emotionally fucking draining because you're like, do you fucking

1273
00:58:50,760 --> 00:58:52,600
Speaker 1: like me like you did yesterday? Or do I have to?

1274
00:58:53,000 --> 00:58:55,920
Speaker 1: Literally I was just like coming in, like are we

1275
00:58:56,000 --> 00:58:58,200
Speaker 1: good right now? Where we Do you love me? Do

1276
00:58:58,240 --> 00:58:59,760
Speaker 1: you love me? Do you hate me? But I'm like,

1277
00:58:59,800 --> 00:59:01,920
Speaker 1: why don't have to test to stick my pinky in

1278
00:59:02,000 --> 00:59:04,200
Speaker 1: to see if the water is warm? Every other goddamn

1279
00:59:04,280 --> 00:59:07,400
Speaker 1: day we're supposed to go together? Yeah, walking on eggshells,

1280
00:59:07,440 --> 00:59:10,040
Speaker 1: Like that's what it is. It's that dynamic is on purpose.

1281
00:59:10,080 --> 00:59:12,800
Speaker 1: So there's a pushpool dynamic hot and cold, and that's

1282
00:59:12,840 --> 00:59:14,000
Speaker 1: what keeps you addicted.

1283
00:59:14,080 --> 00:59:17,680
Speaker 3: That's it's just it's addiction like science, right, like a

1284
00:59:17,720 --> 00:59:20,360
Speaker 3: slot machine. Right, if you can, you're gonna keep doing it.

1285
00:59:20,360 --> 00:59:23,200
Speaker 3: If there's like a promise of like the bomb intimacy

1286
00:59:23,320 --> 00:59:25,160
Speaker 3: and what we had at the beginning, but that's just

1287
00:59:25,200 --> 00:59:29,320
Speaker 3: to keep you involved. Is called ineminute reinforcement, so intermitted

1288
00:59:29,680 --> 00:59:33,160
Speaker 3: in reinforcement. Yeah, and that's a lot of narcissists do

1289
00:59:33,240 --> 00:59:35,520
Speaker 3: that and too, Like some women that have also talked

1290
00:59:35,560 --> 00:59:37,400
Speaker 3: to you also, they're like, I feel like this was

1291
00:59:37,400 --> 00:59:39,040
Speaker 3: the best sex I ever had, but really it was

1292
00:59:39,080 --> 00:59:41,320
Speaker 3: just because they were depriving you of all other forms

1293
00:59:41,320 --> 00:59:44,400
Speaker 3: of intimacy. So you felt like that little breadcrumb that

1294
00:59:44,440 --> 00:59:47,280
Speaker 3: they were giving you was like the best ever, but

1295
00:59:47,320 --> 00:59:50,840
Speaker 3: it was just because you were being deprived two.

1296
00:59:50,640 --> 00:59:56,400
Speaker 1: Weeks, the best sex of my life. I was like, Okay, ever,

1297
00:59:56,560 --> 00:59:58,400
Speaker 1: gonna get this sex ever again?

1298
00:59:59,400 --> 01:00:04,160
Speaker 2: She's like, you will, promise, yes, if you're listening, you will.

1299
01:00:04,200 --> 01:00:05,760
Speaker 3: And then when you look back on it, like, once

1300
01:00:05,800 --> 01:00:08,320
Speaker 3: you get into healthy, that's a narcissist.

1301
01:00:07,800 --> 01:00:10,439
Speaker 1: Was the best sex of your life. It's true, it's true.

1302
01:00:10,520 --> 01:00:12,640
Speaker 2: I mean, think about this is a trend of my love.

1303
01:00:13,000 --> 01:00:16,400
Speaker 2: Look at her and they're capturing my friend. Who is

1304
01:00:16,440 --> 01:00:19,280
Speaker 2: I mean me too. But you because you are such

1305
01:00:19,280 --> 01:00:23,080
Speaker 2: an EmPATH, Like you're so loving and you're so giving,

1306
01:00:23,240 --> 01:00:25,960
Speaker 2: and you're so forgiving. I think that's the only thing

1307
01:00:26,000 --> 01:00:29,600
Speaker 2: that semi protected me. Like I've I've definitely dipped big

1308
01:00:29,640 --> 01:00:32,320
Speaker 2: heavy toes in the Narcissi pool. But now I'd be

1309
01:00:32,400 --> 01:00:36,120
Speaker 2: jumping out like quick, But I jump in there real quick.

1310
01:00:36,200 --> 01:00:38,440
Speaker 2: Let me see what that out of her hate. But

1311
01:00:38,920 --> 01:00:40,600
Speaker 2: you are such a lover and EmPATH.

1312
01:00:40,680 --> 01:00:43,600
Speaker 1: I just skinny dip dive right into the fucking deep end.

1313
01:00:43,600 --> 01:00:45,440
Speaker 1: And I'm like, I'm drowning. Not for wait, no, I'm

1314
01:00:45,480 --> 01:00:49,640
Speaker 1: not no, not okay, I'm drowning again. Erica, come get

1315
01:00:49,680 --> 01:00:55,160
Speaker 1: me out. Come Hell, I got you. If you're right,

1316
01:00:55,320 --> 01:00:57,840
Speaker 1: I can't swim well.

1317
01:00:57,840 --> 01:01:01,480
Speaker 2: The one you're talking about really really reminded me of mine.

1318
01:01:01,640 --> 01:01:03,360
Speaker 2: And I told you that you did. I was like,

1319
01:01:03,400 --> 01:01:07,560
Speaker 2: this sounds exactly like my nigger. He talks real smart.

1320
01:01:08,160 --> 01:01:11,120
Speaker 2: He'd be reading books and shit, be saying quotes. You'd

1321
01:01:11,160 --> 01:01:14,480
Speaker 2: be thinking he's smart and shit be call honoring you.

1322
01:01:14,480 --> 01:01:18,480
Speaker 2: You'll be the most beautiful woman I've ever been with this, this, that, that,

1323
01:01:18,640 --> 01:01:20,840
Speaker 2: and then you're a bitch.

1324
01:01:21,680 --> 01:01:23,480
Speaker 3: Yep, that's exactly just a switch.

1325
01:01:23,560 --> 01:01:26,880
Speaker 1: That's yeah, I didn't love you. You're a hope. I

1326
01:01:26,920 --> 01:01:32,880
Speaker 1: would never do that. I loved you last week. You're confused.

1327
01:01:32,920 --> 01:01:36,840
Speaker 1: I did say that. I didn't mean it so crazy.

1328
01:01:36,880 --> 01:01:39,360
Speaker 1: And you know what, which fox would always fox me

1329
01:01:39,440 --> 01:01:42,919
Speaker 1: up is that I'm super like I do dip dip

1330
01:01:43,120 --> 01:01:44,880
Speaker 1: too long into a lot of shit because I do

1331
01:01:45,000 --> 01:01:48,200
Speaker 1: love too hard and I be sticking around hoping for

1332
01:01:48,280 --> 01:01:51,160
Speaker 1: the best for people. But I just think that I

1333
01:01:51,160 --> 01:01:53,560
Speaker 1: think it's more difficult when you are a self aware woman,

1334
01:01:53,640 --> 01:01:56,920
Speaker 1: You are an intelligent woman, and you are a strong woman,

1335
01:01:57,080 --> 01:01:59,840
Speaker 1: and then you find yourself in these relationships that don't

1336
01:01:59,880 --> 01:02:03,520
Speaker 1: reflect that, and then you feel embarrassed and ashamed. I know,

1337
01:02:03,560 --> 01:02:06,680
Speaker 1: I felt super ashamed, you know, in my and a

1338
01:02:06,720 --> 01:02:10,000
Speaker 1: lot of these relationships with my friends, because I knew better,

1339
01:02:10,120 --> 01:02:12,520
Speaker 1: but like there was a time where I was so

1340
01:02:12,720 --> 01:02:17,200
Speaker 1: deep in it that I couldn't I didn't want to talk.

1341
01:02:17,560 --> 01:02:19,760
Speaker 1: I stopped wanting to talk about it. It would make

1342
01:02:19,840 --> 01:02:23,480
Speaker 1: me immediately emotional and immediately annoyed because I felt like

1343
01:02:24,720 --> 01:02:27,920
Speaker 1: I knew better, but I just couldn't get out yet.

1344
01:02:28,640 --> 01:02:31,120
Speaker 1: Like I was there and I knew I wasn't that happy.

1345
01:02:31,200 --> 01:02:33,280
Speaker 1: I saw what was happening, but I didn't have the

1346
01:02:33,400 --> 01:02:36,919
Speaker 1: strength to pick myself up and like do it yet,

1347
01:02:37,040 --> 01:02:38,880
Speaker 1: you know, Like I was just like just shut the

1348
01:02:38,880 --> 01:02:41,920
Speaker 1: fuck up, I know, like just I know, I know,

1349
01:02:42,600 --> 01:02:45,680
Speaker 1: And it was like hurtful that like my friends couldn't

1350
01:02:46,280 --> 01:02:48,800
Speaker 1: relate because I just it was just it was I

1351
01:02:48,840 --> 01:02:52,360
Speaker 1: felt stuck. I really felt stuck, and I obviously have

1352
01:02:52,440 --> 01:02:55,200
Speaker 1: to deal with whatever it is that I'm bonded there

1353
01:02:55,240 --> 01:02:58,120
Speaker 1: that felt so familiar. I mean, it's just someone I

1354
01:02:58,200 --> 01:02:59,840
Speaker 1: knew for a very long time. I think that's another

1355
01:02:59,880 --> 01:03:04,240
Speaker 1: thing time. The deeper you get, the deeper you know,

1356
01:03:04,360 --> 01:03:06,840
Speaker 1: like you get woven into those relationships, and I think

1357
01:03:07,080 --> 01:03:09,000
Speaker 1: you almost don't feel like you can end up in

1358
01:03:09,040 --> 01:03:11,200
Speaker 1: that space. I'm too smart. That would not happen to me.

1359
01:03:11,280 --> 01:03:12,760
Speaker 1: And then you can like hit in your face in

1360
01:03:12,800 --> 01:03:14,320
Speaker 1: the middle of the night and you're bleeding. You're like,

1361
01:03:14,360 --> 01:03:18,600
Speaker 1: oh no, this is actually like lifetime abuse. I'm not

1362
01:03:18,640 --> 01:03:19,120
Speaker 1: that smart.

1363
01:03:19,320 --> 01:03:21,520
Speaker 2: And I think also like people will wait, like wait for

1364
01:03:21,600 --> 01:03:24,480
Speaker 2: things to blow up to leave, like, okay, well we're

1365
01:03:24,480 --> 01:03:26,400
Speaker 2: as me, We're good right now, so let me just

1366
01:03:26,440 --> 01:03:29,000
Speaker 2: wait until it blows up into a like a fire

1367
01:03:29,040 --> 01:03:30,600
Speaker 2: of smoke, and then I'll have a reason to leave.

1368
01:03:30,680 --> 01:03:32,680
Speaker 1: I need a real reason to leave, Like if I

1369
01:03:32,720 --> 01:03:34,440
Speaker 1: try to leave right here, he's going to fight me

1370
01:03:35,080 --> 01:03:37,440
Speaker 1: and confuse me to stay. It doesn't feel like this

1371
01:03:37,520 --> 01:03:39,840
Speaker 1: is a big enough deal. All of these little things

1372
01:03:39,840 --> 01:03:45,560
Speaker 1: added up. Don't thousand cuts big enough? Shoot me, nigga,

1373
01:03:46,320 --> 01:03:51,760
Speaker 1: God shoot me, and then I'll leave in the head

1374
01:03:54,040 --> 01:03:58,920
Speaker 1: something that's good. I can probably be like I put

1375
01:03:58,920 --> 01:04:03,400
Speaker 1: that Jordan on no will No, I'm that is me,

1376
01:04:03,680 --> 01:04:05,680
Speaker 1: Like I needed a nigga to be like, fuck you,

1377
01:04:05,680 --> 01:04:12,560
Speaker 1: you stupid bitch, and the I'm like five times, damnit, fine,

1378
01:04:12,560 --> 01:04:15,960
Speaker 1: I'm out of here. Disrespected me for the last one

1379
01:04:16,040 --> 01:04:19,280
Speaker 1: hundred and fifty ninth times. It's just like.

1380
01:04:19,440 --> 01:04:22,320
Speaker 3: Another an important thing though, Like when it comes to

1381
01:04:22,360 --> 01:04:25,560
Speaker 3: this trauma bonding, you're physically addicted to that person.

1382
01:04:25,720 --> 01:04:27,760
Speaker 1: Your body is biochemically addicted to it.

1383
01:04:27,760 --> 01:04:30,960
Speaker 3: It's like stress hormones mixed with Aussie toasin and all

1384
01:04:30,960 --> 01:04:33,280
Speaker 3: of that, and it's like when you leave sometimes it

1385
01:04:33,280 --> 01:04:36,040
Speaker 3: feels like you're like detoxing from a drug. It's easier

1386
01:04:36,080 --> 01:04:36,440
Speaker 3: to stay.

1387
01:04:36,560 --> 01:04:40,280
Speaker 1: I literally this last relationship that I did with this

1388
01:04:40,320 --> 01:04:44,000
Speaker 1: person that was for sure a narcissist. I saw it happen.

1389
01:04:44,280 --> 01:04:46,320
Speaker 1: We got the first time, we got into the first

1390
01:04:46,440 --> 01:04:49,200
Speaker 1: argument and he was like trying to send me away.

1391
01:04:49,440 --> 01:04:50,920
Speaker 1: We were out of town. He was like, did you

1392
01:04:50,920 --> 01:04:52,600
Speaker 1: buy that ticket back? It was like two o'clock in

1393
01:04:52,640 --> 01:04:55,760
Speaker 1: the morning. I was like, no, he's like, you need

1394
01:04:55,800 --> 01:04:58,160
Speaker 1: to buy that ticket back, and I was like, it

1395
01:04:58,240 --> 01:05:00,160
Speaker 1: just seemed like, wow, this seems extremely gonna say me

1396
01:05:00,200 --> 01:05:03,000
Speaker 1: home because you're mad, and then he was like, I

1397
01:05:03,120 --> 01:05:05,840
Speaker 1: bought the ticket home. He went, gave me the money

1398
01:05:05,840 --> 01:05:07,160
Speaker 1: I bought to take on about two'clock in the morning,

1399
01:05:07,160 --> 01:05:08,520
Speaker 1: I was gonna stay up again. In the first flight,

1400
01:05:08,600 --> 01:05:10,680
Speaker 1: he was like, you should stay. He's like stay. Actually,

1401
01:05:11,440 --> 01:05:12,960
Speaker 1: he's like I know. He's like, I think we love

1402
01:05:13,040 --> 01:05:17,320
Speaker 1: each other. When he said he told me to leave,

1403
01:05:17,400 --> 01:05:18,920
Speaker 1: he told me to book. I booked a ticket, and

1404
01:05:18,960 --> 01:05:21,400
Speaker 1: then he said I think we love each other and

1405
01:05:21,520 --> 01:05:25,160
Speaker 1: it was like I was like, we do. And then

1406
01:05:25,200 --> 01:05:28,080
Speaker 1: he spot to me and I stayed, and in my mind,

1407
01:05:28,160 --> 01:05:30,640
Speaker 1: I said, this is about to be some sick shit

1408
01:05:31,160 --> 01:05:34,480
Speaker 1: and I like it. In my mind, I felt all

1409
01:05:34,560 --> 01:05:37,880
Speaker 1: these ways like I was like cognitive enough to see

1410
01:05:37,920 --> 01:05:41,040
Speaker 1: it happen. I saw how he was working, and I

1411
01:05:41,200 --> 01:05:43,320
Speaker 1: was I saw that I liked it, and I was like,

1412
01:05:43,400 --> 01:05:45,720
Speaker 1: something's wrong with you, bitch. I was like the fact

1413
01:05:45,800 --> 01:05:49,360
Speaker 1: that you felt like discarded and then you felt picked

1414
01:05:49,400 --> 01:05:51,680
Speaker 1: back up and you felt love in that pick back

1415
01:05:51,760 --> 01:05:53,920
Speaker 1: up is where this is. Shit's about to get crazy

1416
01:05:54,320 --> 01:05:57,880
Speaker 1: and for the next six months I stayed in that situation.

1417
01:05:57,880 --> 01:05:59,960
Speaker 1: It was just like that, it was like up and down,

1418
01:06:00,200 --> 01:06:02,680
Speaker 1: up and down. But like now that I finally got

1419
01:06:02,720 --> 01:06:06,520
Speaker 1: shot in the head and live to tell the story,

1420
01:06:06,600 --> 01:06:09,200
Speaker 1: to tell the story, I knew better, you know. And

1421
01:06:09,240 --> 01:06:11,120
Speaker 1: I think, as like smart women, it's hard, you know,

1422
01:06:11,440 --> 01:06:13,360
Speaker 1: I tell all my business. So here we are, but

1423
01:06:13,840 --> 01:06:16,560
Speaker 1: I think it's important that we have these conversations because

1424
01:06:16,880 --> 01:06:20,040
Speaker 1: you're not alone, bitch. Like it's deeper than just being

1425
01:06:20,080 --> 01:06:22,240
Speaker 1: a smart woman, and like being able to recognize it,

1426
01:06:22,400 --> 01:06:25,360
Speaker 1: like you really have to cut the cord and walk

1427
01:06:25,440 --> 01:06:28,720
Speaker 1: away and then continue to practice walking away, because I

1428
01:06:28,760 --> 01:06:30,720
Speaker 1: did walk away one time for one month, and then

1429
01:06:30,720 --> 01:06:32,959
Speaker 1: I went back and then I'm now I'm here again.

1430
01:06:33,040 --> 01:06:34,800
Speaker 1: I mean, I'm gone now, but you know what I mean.

1431
01:06:35,280 --> 01:06:38,560
Speaker 1: So it's just like there is this really this attachment

1432
01:06:38,680 --> 01:06:41,800
Speaker 1: to that feeling that you have to really heal from.

1433
01:06:42,280 --> 01:06:44,840
Speaker 1: And like I'm I feel crazy that I'm thirty three

1434
01:06:44,920 --> 01:06:47,840
Speaker 1: years old, I'm somebody's parent. I've done this multiple times,

1435
01:06:48,240 --> 01:06:50,320
Speaker 1: and I still get caught up, you know, I can

1436
01:06:50,400 --> 01:06:52,520
Speaker 1: still get like it's scary to me that I can

1437
01:06:52,920 --> 01:06:55,200
Speaker 1: fall into that pattern so easily because I know how

1438
01:06:55,280 --> 01:06:57,720
Speaker 1: like a week can turn into six months, and six

1439
01:06:57,800 --> 01:06:59,240
Speaker 1: months can turn into a year, and a year can

1440
01:06:59,280 --> 01:07:01,400
Speaker 1: turn into three and you wake up and you're like, bitch,

1441
01:07:01,440 --> 01:07:04,080
Speaker 1: you knew from the beginning and you ignored it. But

1442
01:07:04,160 --> 01:07:07,600
Speaker 1: it's like, really, it's it is about healing yourself and

1443
01:07:07,960 --> 01:07:10,680
Speaker 1: working on yourself to be able to be like Erica

1444
01:07:11,000 --> 01:07:12,520
Speaker 1: and dip in and dip the fuck out when you

1445
01:07:12,600 --> 01:07:14,960
Speaker 1: see the signs immediately, well, how do you like?

1446
01:07:15,320 --> 01:07:19,400
Speaker 2: What if it is? And it is so like within

1447
01:07:19,520 --> 01:07:23,680
Speaker 2: your body and you become addicted in this way like oxytocin,

1448
01:07:23,840 --> 01:07:26,840
Speaker 2: how do you as a like, how do you even begin?

1449
01:07:27,640 --> 01:07:30,400
Speaker 2: Because I've told you me, I'm like, block this nag good.

1450
01:07:31,080 --> 01:07:32,960
Speaker 2: I blocked him, and then I know, like four days

1451
01:07:33,000 --> 01:07:35,120
Speaker 2: later she's unblocked to see or she opened up her

1452
01:07:35,120 --> 01:07:36,840
Speaker 2: computer and her computer did not block him, and so

1453
01:07:36,920 --> 01:07:39,400
Speaker 2: now she sees the text and like, how do you

1454
01:07:39,880 --> 01:07:42,920
Speaker 2: why do you know my life? Like how because that's

1455
01:07:42,920 --> 01:07:44,360
Speaker 2: happened to me when I block someone and I opened

1456
01:07:44,360 --> 01:07:46,960
Speaker 2: my computer and I was like fuck, like god no

1457
01:07:47,040 --> 01:07:51,040
Speaker 2: if he did curse me out? Shit, how do you

1458
01:07:51,160 --> 01:07:53,680
Speaker 2: even like? What is the beginning of someone who has

1459
01:07:53,760 --> 01:07:57,840
Speaker 2: been like very traumatized by a narcissist, Like besides, yes,

1460
01:07:57,960 --> 01:07:59,440
Speaker 2: you got to cut them off, right, but.

1461
01:07:59,520 --> 01:08:01,520
Speaker 1: Like how do you keep them cut off? How do

1462
01:08:01,640 --> 01:08:05,160
Speaker 1: you like retrain your body and your reaction?

1463
01:08:05,400 --> 01:08:07,280
Speaker 2: Like, what are like some things that you can do?

1464
01:08:07,880 --> 01:08:10,720
Speaker 2: I know obviously, I notice you have to be consistent.

1465
01:08:10,880 --> 01:08:13,360
Speaker 2: I know that, Like you have to be uncomfortable, be uncomfortable,

1466
01:08:13,640 --> 01:08:16,400
Speaker 2: you know, which is really hard, you know, But is

1467
01:08:16,400 --> 01:08:17,439
Speaker 2: there anything else? Like?

1468
01:08:17,720 --> 01:08:18,680
Speaker 1: Yeah, well, a lot of.

1469
01:08:18,720 --> 01:08:21,439
Speaker 3: Times, you know, women or people when they feel like,

1470
01:08:21,520 --> 01:08:23,519
Speaker 3: you know, they can get sucked back in. They haven't

1471
01:08:23,600 --> 01:08:28,120
Speaker 3: processed the emotion and the pain that happened in the relationship, right,

1472
01:08:28,200 --> 01:08:30,600
Speaker 3: even though it was really abusive. So what happens is

1473
01:08:30,680 --> 01:08:33,680
Speaker 3: you get sucked back into something called repetition compulsion. You

1474
01:08:33,760 --> 01:08:36,280
Speaker 3: think that you're getting closure by going back to that person.

1475
01:08:36,320 --> 01:08:37,559
Speaker 3: If I can go back to them, that they can

1476
01:08:37,640 --> 01:08:39,840
Speaker 3: heal the same wounds that they made. When you really

1477
01:08:39,880 --> 01:08:42,280
Speaker 3: think about it, it doesn't make any sense. But subconsciously,

1478
01:08:42,320 --> 01:08:45,240
Speaker 3: and unfortunately your subconscious brain runs like ninety five percent

1479
01:08:45,280 --> 01:08:48,000
Speaker 3: of what you do, subconsciously, you're gonna get sucked back in.

1480
01:08:48,520 --> 01:08:50,760
Speaker 3: So it's a process of of course blocking them, but

1481
01:08:50,880 --> 01:08:54,479
Speaker 3: literally like really blocking them on every possible thing like

1482
01:08:54,600 --> 01:08:57,599
Speaker 3: don't pain shop, like, don't look at their social media

1483
01:08:58,120 --> 01:09:00,519
Speaker 3: pain shop, and don't look back at videos and pictures

1484
01:09:00,520 --> 01:09:01,120
Speaker 3: and stuff like that.

1485
01:09:01,600 --> 01:09:04,400
Speaker 1: Pain pain shop like like look at the pictures and

1486
01:09:04,520 --> 01:09:08,679
Speaker 1: like fantasize, like like like age you're like your sadness.

1487
01:09:08,960 --> 01:09:11,800
Speaker 3: Yeah, exactly that, and that's what that's what gets people

1488
01:09:11,920 --> 01:09:12,720
Speaker 3: like Rope back in.

1489
01:09:12,880 --> 01:09:17,560
Speaker 1: They start like reminiscent the time, right, Yeah, and the

1490
01:09:17,640 --> 01:09:19,560
Speaker 1: love bombing is what you're is the oxytocin is what

1491
01:09:19,600 --> 01:09:22,800
Speaker 1: you're addicted to. Yeah, yeah, you know what I did

1492
01:09:22,880 --> 01:09:26,120
Speaker 1: this time. I sent screenshots of the text message to

1493
01:09:26,160 --> 01:09:29,479
Speaker 1: at least five friends of him, like blatantly disrespecting me.

1494
01:09:29,920 --> 01:09:32,479
Speaker 1: So if in the future I act crazy, bitch, you'll

1495
01:09:32,520 --> 01:09:34,439
Speaker 1: be like I have to look at it. I have

1496
01:09:34,640 --> 01:09:36,519
Speaker 1: to know, like not only that this nigga talked to

1497
01:09:36,560 --> 01:09:39,040
Speaker 1: me crazy, I told all my friends and that's what

1498
01:09:39,160 --> 01:09:41,080
Speaker 1: I'll i'd love bomb. I mean, how do you call it?

1499
01:09:41,280 --> 01:09:41,800
Speaker 2: What did you do?

1500
01:09:41,960 --> 01:09:44,320
Speaker 1: Love? Love bomb? No, when you look at the pictures

1501
01:09:44,640 --> 01:09:48,000
Speaker 1: pain shop, pain shop, the mean ship like look at

1502
01:09:48,040 --> 01:09:50,400
Speaker 1: the text like, no, bitch, no, that's not an option.

1503
01:09:51,000 --> 01:09:53,560
Speaker 1: That's the only picture you should keep. You put that

1504
01:09:53,640 --> 01:09:54,760
Speaker 1: on your phone screensaver.

1505
01:09:55,040 --> 01:09:59,680
Speaker 3: Yeah, yeah, and that's actually that's one of the you know,

1506
01:10:00,000 --> 01:10:02,000
Speaker 3: one of the exercises very at the beginning, but like

1507
01:10:02,320 --> 01:10:04,519
Speaker 3: journaling about it get really clear because once you put

1508
01:10:04,560 --> 01:10:07,400
Speaker 3: stuff down on paper, it creates cognitive distance in between

1509
01:10:07,439 --> 01:10:09,640
Speaker 3: you and the thought. So you can really look at

1510
01:10:09,800 --> 01:10:11,760
Speaker 3: this is what this person did to me, you know,

1511
01:10:12,040 --> 01:10:14,000
Speaker 3: write it in detail, and then on the other side

1512
01:10:14,040 --> 01:10:16,479
Speaker 3: you can write what you actually want, like out of

1513
01:10:16,520 --> 01:10:19,080
Speaker 3: a partner, like what a relationship really looks like to

1514
01:10:19,160 --> 01:10:22,000
Speaker 3: your ideal mate, and all of that to get really clear,

1515
01:10:22,160 --> 01:10:24,120
Speaker 3: so there's not all this like mental chatter of like

1516
01:10:24,240 --> 01:10:26,680
Speaker 3: what actually happened, and you don't feel drawn to that

1517
01:10:26,720 --> 01:10:28,960
Speaker 3: person for closure that they're never gonna give you because

1518
01:10:28,960 --> 01:10:30,920
Speaker 3: it's just as long as you keep coming back to

1519
01:10:30,920 --> 01:10:33,639
Speaker 3: a narcissist, they will take you back in for narcissistic supply.

1520
01:10:33,720 --> 01:10:35,840
Speaker 1: They love x recycling. That's what they do, like, oh

1521
01:10:35,840 --> 01:10:38,720
Speaker 1: you came back to me, I throw you away again, Yeah,

1522
01:10:38,760 --> 01:10:39,400
Speaker 1: one hundred percent.

1523
01:10:39,479 --> 01:10:41,120
Speaker 3: So as long as you keep yourself in that cycle,

1524
01:10:41,160 --> 01:10:43,080
Speaker 3: you will. But really, when it comes to like your

1525
01:10:43,120 --> 01:10:46,680
Speaker 3: body and how you heal, like breathwork, meditation, all of

1526
01:10:46,760 --> 01:10:50,519
Speaker 3: these things, dance movement regulate your nervous system, and then

1527
01:10:50,560 --> 01:10:53,479
Speaker 3: you're really clear. Your brain, your body really determines more

1528
01:10:53,520 --> 01:10:56,200
Speaker 3: than your mindset does, so your body sends more. There's

1529
01:10:56,240 --> 01:10:58,080
Speaker 3: more connections that go from your body to your brain

1530
01:10:58,120 --> 01:10:59,920
Speaker 3: than your brain to your body. So if you read

1531
01:11:00,320 --> 01:11:04,360
Speaker 3: yourself with embodiment practices and safety practices, then you'll start

1532
01:11:04,400 --> 01:11:05,479
Speaker 3: to think more clear.

1533
01:11:06,240 --> 01:11:09,000
Speaker 2: That makes sense. You were just saying how you wanted

1534
01:11:09,040 --> 01:11:10,680
Speaker 2: to take dance class. I did.

1535
01:11:10,800 --> 01:11:12,920
Speaker 1: Yeah, I am going to. I'm gonna I'm taking its

1536
01:11:13,800 --> 01:11:16,240
Speaker 1: ballroom salsa. We actually just did.

1537
01:11:16,280 --> 01:11:18,560
Speaker 3: I just did a master class on this Thursday with

1538
01:11:18,640 --> 01:11:21,680
Speaker 3: a girl named Emma, and it was like safety embodiment,

1539
01:11:21,760 --> 01:11:23,720
Speaker 3: and she did the whole movement is medicine part of it.

1540
01:11:23,880 --> 01:11:26,000
Speaker 3: And I taught all the you know, recovering your body

1541
01:11:26,080 --> 01:11:29,120
Speaker 3: and nervous system regulation and stress management and all of that,

1542
01:11:29,320 --> 01:11:32,000
Speaker 3: and that is really the process of healing. If you

1543
01:11:32,040 --> 01:11:34,200
Speaker 3: don't heal your body, you don't change your beliefs and

1544
01:11:34,240 --> 01:11:36,479
Speaker 3: all of that, then you'll get sucked right back into it.

1545
01:11:36,720 --> 01:11:39,120
Speaker 3: So even if you know better, yeah, even if you

1546
01:11:39,200 --> 01:11:40,280
Speaker 3: know it, yeah, it's not about it.

1547
01:11:40,280 --> 01:11:41,240
Speaker 1: And a lot of people say.

1548
01:11:41,040 --> 01:11:43,200
Speaker 3: That they're like the same thing you said, Like for me,

1549
01:11:43,439 --> 01:11:45,519
Speaker 3: like people around me were like, oh my god, like

1550
01:11:45,640 --> 01:11:49,040
Speaker 3: they're smart and confident and all this stuff. But narcissists

1551
01:11:49,080 --> 01:11:53,280
Speaker 3: targets smart, beautiful, attractive people that are like secure, because

1552
01:11:53,280 --> 01:11:53,680
Speaker 3: it's more of.

1553
01:11:53,720 --> 01:11:54,559
Speaker 1: A it's more fun.

1554
01:11:55,160 --> 01:11:55,639
Speaker 3: It's more fun.

1555
01:11:56,400 --> 01:11:58,040
Speaker 1: I want to tear you down, and they want.

1556
01:11:57,960 --> 01:12:00,839
Speaker 3: It because it's all about ownership and like being controlling

1557
01:12:00,880 --> 01:12:01,320
Speaker 3: and stuff like that.

1558
01:12:01,400 --> 01:12:02,439
Speaker 1: If they can get a free.

1559
01:12:02,320 --> 01:12:06,000
Speaker 3: Spirit and like get you under their thumbs so you're subservient,

1560
01:12:06,479 --> 01:12:07,800
Speaker 3: that's more that they like that.

1561
01:12:07,960 --> 01:12:08,600
Speaker 1: That's what they will do.

1562
01:12:08,680 --> 01:12:11,800
Speaker 3: So it has nothing to do with like whether you're yeah,

1563
01:12:11,920 --> 01:12:13,840
Speaker 3: like the smartest, like the smartest people in the world,

1564
01:12:13,920 --> 01:12:18,200
Speaker 3: and like they're they're con artists so cult yeah exactly.

1565
01:12:18,439 --> 01:12:19,760
Speaker 1: Yeah my god, they're sick.

1566
01:12:20,160 --> 01:12:21,920
Speaker 2: Yeah, let's throw them out.

1567
01:12:22,360 --> 01:12:25,040
Speaker 1: I've just said them on an island. An island, it

1568
01:12:25,080 --> 01:12:28,640
Speaker 1: would be better with no boats. Yeah, give them some

1569
01:12:28,760 --> 01:12:32,200
Speaker 1: seeds they can farm or something. We're gonna leave you

1570
01:12:32,240 --> 01:12:33,960
Speaker 1: here with these seeds and buy.

1571
01:12:36,800 --> 01:12:40,760
Speaker 2: Oh god, wow, Well this has been so informative. Thank

1572
01:12:40,800 --> 01:12:43,879
Speaker 2: you so much. I feel like I've gotten some clarity

1573
01:12:44,120 --> 01:12:47,040
Speaker 2: on you know, definitely the ways the things that I've

1574
01:12:47,120 --> 01:12:49,640
Speaker 2: overlooked and the things that I should look for and

1575
01:12:50,120 --> 01:12:52,320
Speaker 2: I hope you guys have I think this is such

1576
01:12:52,320 --> 01:12:55,880
Speaker 2: an important conversation. I think that so many people are

1577
01:12:56,120 --> 01:13:00,680
Speaker 2: in relationships right now with narcissists and and maybe they

1578
01:13:00,720 --> 01:13:03,080
Speaker 2: didn't even realize it until hearing this episode. So so

1579
01:13:03,360 --> 01:13:06,200
Speaker 2: get the fuck out. Yes, don't wait for the explosion.

1580
01:13:06,439 --> 01:13:07,080
Speaker 1: Don't look back.

1581
01:13:07,120 --> 01:13:09,519
Speaker 2: There's already been explosions. I promise you. There has you

1582
01:13:09,640 --> 01:13:11,120
Speaker 2: know there have there have been.

1583
01:13:11,880 --> 01:13:13,320
Speaker 1: Don't wait for the next big one time.

1584
01:13:13,479 --> 01:13:15,320
Speaker 2: So I know that it's it's easier said than done.

1585
01:13:15,600 --> 01:13:17,559
Speaker 2: It is. It's really easier said than done.

1586
01:13:17,880 --> 01:13:20,599
Speaker 1: I mean easier said than that said.

1587
01:13:20,680 --> 01:13:23,880
Speaker 2: Yeah, wait, can you let our listeners know where to

1588
01:13:23,920 --> 01:13:26,519
Speaker 2: find you and like what I mean obviously like sign

1589
01:13:26,640 --> 01:13:34,879
Speaker 2: up like people with people in those relationships call her immediately, Yes, yes, help, Yes.

1590
01:13:34,760 --> 01:13:36,560
Speaker 3: I'm here, and that because that's important. You have to

1591
01:13:36,640 --> 01:13:39,439
Speaker 3: have people that understand it. Don't so don't like spending

1592
01:13:39,520 --> 01:13:41,640
Speaker 3: yourself in like circles talking to people that don't get it.

1593
01:13:41,920 --> 01:13:43,720
Speaker 3: They've never been through. It's just gonna make it worse.

1594
01:13:43,800 --> 01:13:46,519
Speaker 3: So find somebody that gets it. You guys can find

1595
01:13:46,560 --> 01:13:50,200
Speaker 3: me on Instagram at love bombed MD. You can email

1596
01:13:50,280 --> 01:13:53,960
Speaker 3: me if you have any questions and Yeah, I'm actually

1597
01:13:54,280 --> 01:13:56,360
Speaker 3: launching a four week course coming up in the next

1598
01:13:56,439 --> 01:13:58,720
Speaker 3: two weeks, and it's gonna be about literally, like right

1599
01:13:58,760 --> 01:14:01,280
Speaker 3: when you leave, what you might experience, how to heal

1600
01:14:01,320 --> 01:14:04,280
Speaker 3: your body, your nervous system, dealing with the smear campaign,

1601
01:14:04,439 --> 01:14:07,920
Speaker 3: not getting hoovered back in empowerment, like taking your power

1602
01:14:07,960 --> 01:14:08,640
Speaker 3: back and all of that.

1603
01:14:08,880 --> 01:14:11,120
Speaker 1: So and I'll be introducing that. I'm need to take

1604
01:14:11,160 --> 01:14:11,639
Speaker 1: that class.

1605
01:14:11,840 --> 01:14:14,960
Speaker 3: Yeah, that's a four week live course and we're going

1606
01:14:15,080 --> 01:14:16,960
Speaker 3: in like it's a live course. Yeah, it's going to

1607
01:14:17,000 --> 01:14:19,200
Speaker 3: be four weeks of yeah, so right, I.

1608
01:14:19,200 --> 01:14:22,320
Speaker 1: Need to count, I need to be accountable. Yeah, yeah,

1609
01:14:22,600 --> 01:14:23,479
Speaker 1: that's amazing.

1610
01:14:23,680 --> 01:14:25,439
Speaker 2: Well, you guys know where to find us Good Moms

1611
01:14:25,520 --> 01:14:28,919
Speaker 2: Bad Choices on all platforms. Make sure you join our Patreon.

1612
01:14:29,120 --> 01:14:32,360
Speaker 2: We have some cool content over there. That's patreon dot com,

1613
01:14:32,479 --> 01:14:36,120
Speaker 2: backslash Good Mom's Bad Choices. Join our slack community. We

1614
01:14:36,240 --> 01:14:39,200
Speaker 2: have a community of women that are connecting. Every single day.

1615
01:14:39,240 --> 01:14:41,840
Speaker 2: We're talking, we're sharing, we're talking about our narcissistic baby

1616
01:14:41,880 --> 01:14:44,439
Speaker 2: daddy's boyfriend's family members, how.

1617
01:14:44,360 --> 01:14:47,200
Speaker 1: We're recovering from them and sending nudes.

1618
01:14:49,680 --> 01:14:53,519
Speaker 2: If you guys haven't signed up for our retreat in

1619
01:14:53,600 --> 01:14:56,840
Speaker 2: Costa Rica, make sure that you do. There may or

1620
01:14:56,880 --> 01:14:58,200
Speaker 2: may not be some slats.

1621
01:14:57,880 --> 01:15:02,200
Speaker 1: Left right now, but go to mom'sbudchoices dot com backslash

1622
01:15:02,240 --> 01:15:05,679
Speaker 1: retreats and you will find out there will probably be more.

1623
01:15:05,880 --> 01:15:07,639
Speaker 1: But if you want to be on the list for those,

1624
01:15:08,439 --> 01:15:10,799
Speaker 1: hit us up. And if you have any horries, please

1625
01:15:10,880 --> 01:15:15,040
Speaker 1: submit your hories only high level, great hories at this point.

1626
01:15:15,120 --> 01:15:18,120
Speaker 1: Don't come with that weak shit. Oh wait, should we

1627
01:15:18,160 --> 01:15:18,519
Speaker 1: do a horry?

1628
01:15:18,520 --> 01:15:21,000
Speaker 2: Real quick? Should I share this horry? Yeah? Okay. We

1629
01:15:21,520 --> 01:15:24,760
Speaker 2: have a segment on our show called horror Stories where

1630
01:15:24,880 --> 01:15:30,080
Speaker 2: people ride in their hotels. I love it, and this

1631
01:15:30,240 --> 01:15:30,800
Speaker 2: one was good.

1632
01:15:30,840 --> 01:15:34,160
Speaker 1: We just got this yesterday and it goes a little

1633
01:15:34,280 --> 01:15:41,960
Speaker 1: something like who Stories.

1634
01:15:43,520 --> 01:15:45,400
Speaker 2: Some years ago, I was thirty five years old and

1635
01:15:45,560 --> 01:15:48,000
Speaker 2: just broken up after a nine year relationship of really

1636
01:15:48,080 --> 01:15:51,000
Speaker 2: bad and unsatisfying sex. A few months later, I traveled

1637
01:15:51,040 --> 01:15:52,920
Speaker 2: to New York with a couple of girlfriends. Oh by

1638
01:15:52,960 --> 01:15:55,720
Speaker 2: the way, I'm European. After my arrival to Brooklyn, I

1639
01:15:55,760 --> 01:15:58,120
Speaker 2: thought this is the perfect place for dating. Tinder was

1640
01:15:58,160 --> 01:16:00,960
Speaker 2: hyped at the time, so I downloaded and started swiping.

1641
01:16:01,240 --> 01:16:03,680
Speaker 2: There was this one handsome guy who had a bit

1642
01:16:03,720 --> 01:16:06,280
Speaker 2: more time to text as he was on sick leave.

1643
01:16:06,479 --> 01:16:07,320
Speaker 2: He had broken his leg.

1644
01:16:07,479 --> 01:16:08,479
Speaker 1: This suited me perfectly.

1645
01:16:08,720 --> 01:16:09,960
Speaker 2: I don't know how I missed this part when I

1646
01:16:10,040 --> 01:16:12,280
Speaker 2: wrote this. This suited me perfectly as I quickly learned

1647
01:16:12,320 --> 01:16:14,800
Speaker 2: that Tinder and NYC is really quick, So this guy

1648
01:16:14,840 --> 01:16:16,720
Speaker 2: gave me more space for texting as I was in

1649
01:16:16,800 --> 01:16:19,720
Speaker 2: a situation of being newly single. We agreed to meet

1650
01:16:19,760 --> 01:16:22,360
Speaker 2: after a few days. I thought that this was safe,

1651
01:16:22,479 --> 01:16:26,600
Speaker 2: as this guy had walking sticks. Lol. The date and

1652
01:16:26,640 --> 01:16:28,160
Speaker 2: I came and I agreed to meet him at the

1653
01:16:28,200 --> 01:16:30,560
Speaker 2: bar just to block away and at a place in

1654
01:16:30,600 --> 01:16:32,840
Speaker 2: the East village. We had cocktails and talked. He was

1655
01:16:32,880 --> 01:16:34,760
Speaker 2: smooth as fuck. I still remember how he placed his

1656
01:16:34,840 --> 01:16:38,360
Speaker 2: hand on my thigh and I thought, wow, this is exciting.

1657
01:16:38,840 --> 01:16:41,439
Speaker 2: Remember I had been in misery for the last nine years.

1658
01:16:41,800 --> 01:16:43,640
Speaker 2: We had one more drink and then we ended up

1659
01:16:43,680 --> 01:16:45,160
Speaker 2: going to his place where he made us drinks.

1660
01:16:45,479 --> 01:16:47,040
Speaker 1: His place was unique, full of sneakers.

1661
01:16:47,080 --> 01:16:49,280
Speaker 2: He was a collector. I decided not to drink the

1662
01:16:49,360 --> 01:16:51,479
Speaker 2: drink as it tasted strong and I didn't see him

1663
01:16:51,479 --> 01:16:53,080
Speaker 2: make it, so I couldn't tell if he put something

1664
01:16:53,120 --> 01:16:55,759
Speaker 2: in it. We ended up kissing and taking off clothes,

1665
01:16:56,040 --> 01:16:58,160
Speaker 2: and when he took his underpants off. I was thinking,

1666
01:16:58,400 --> 01:16:59,840
Speaker 2: what the fuck is that?

1667
01:17:00,800 --> 01:17:01,439
Speaker 1: It's huge?

1668
01:17:02,200 --> 01:17:04,160
Speaker 2: I'm sure he saw how huge my eyes went. Little

1669
01:17:04,160 --> 01:17:06,240
Speaker 2: by little, he managed to get his huge penis inside

1670
01:17:06,280 --> 01:17:09,080
Speaker 2: of me and started to fuck me, and I mean

1671
01:17:09,200 --> 01:17:14,880
Speaker 2: he fucked me hard. Just to point out here that

1672
01:17:15,000 --> 01:17:16,800
Speaker 2: I was in a relationship for nine years when my

1673
01:17:16,880 --> 01:17:19,160
Speaker 2: partner always came in a few minutes and his penis

1674
01:17:19,240 --> 01:17:22,240
Speaker 2: was small. So now that now that I was there

1675
01:17:22,360 --> 01:17:25,000
Speaker 2: with this handsome six five foot Dominican New Yorker, I

1676
01:17:25,080 --> 01:17:27,719
Speaker 2: felt like I was being reborn. I remembered what great

1677
01:17:28,000 --> 01:17:30,960
Speaker 2: sex with a good sized hard dick feels like, how

1678
01:17:31,040 --> 01:17:33,400
Speaker 2: I loved to be fucked for hours, like it was

1679
01:17:33,439 --> 01:17:37,120
Speaker 2: a workout. It was fantastic. After the first act, he asked, so,

1680
01:17:37,320 --> 01:17:39,320
Speaker 2: how was it better or worse than your ex? I

1681
01:17:39,400 --> 01:17:42,080
Speaker 2: said better, better than what I ever got in the

1682
01:17:42,160 --> 01:17:44,960
Speaker 2: last nine years. He said, I'm sorry, and I laughed.

1683
01:17:45,000 --> 01:17:46,960
Speaker 2: After a small break, we continued and slept a bit,

1684
01:17:47,880 --> 01:17:50,360
Speaker 2: and then what happened was after that was that I

1685
01:17:50,439 --> 01:17:53,120
Speaker 2: started to bleed. It was not my period, since I

1686
01:17:53,240 --> 01:17:55,680
Speaker 2: had just had that two weeks before. We thought that

1687
01:17:56,080 --> 01:17:58,760
Speaker 2: he had somehow broken me. He was trying to look

1688
01:17:58,800 --> 01:18:01,120
Speaker 2: inside my pussy and said that he might have torn

1689
01:18:01,200 --> 01:18:03,280
Speaker 2: me up. I really wish I could have seen this

1690
01:18:03,400 --> 01:18:05,320
Speaker 2: visual of him looking inside of her.

1691
01:18:05,439 --> 01:18:08,320
Speaker 1: Wow, Wow, everything looks good. Are you okay?

1692
01:18:08,400 --> 01:18:10,559
Speaker 2: Did I break you? Well? That's where the fun ended,

1693
01:18:10,760 --> 01:18:12,920
Speaker 2: and he was embarrassed. We ended up cleaning his sheets

1694
01:18:12,960 --> 01:18:15,519
Speaker 2: and mattress with baby wipes, which he said he had

1695
01:18:15,560 --> 01:18:19,880
Speaker 2: for his sneakers. He had he had to get going

1696
01:18:19,960 --> 01:18:22,080
Speaker 2: to work, so we showered quickly, and I was bleeding

1697
01:18:22,120 --> 01:18:24,400
Speaker 2: and stuffing my pants with toilet paper. He drove me

1698
01:18:24,439 --> 01:18:26,360
Speaker 2: to the closest subway stop. Then I went to see

1699
01:18:26,400 --> 01:18:28,479
Speaker 2: my friends and told them the story. I flew back

1700
01:18:28,479 --> 01:18:30,400
Speaker 2: home after a few days and I was still bleeding,

1701
01:18:30,479 --> 01:18:32,439
Speaker 2: so I had to go see the doctor. They said

1702
01:18:32,520 --> 01:18:34,840
Speaker 2: that my pussy will heal itself, but of course they

1703
01:18:34,920 --> 01:18:36,920
Speaker 2: also had to ask if I was raped or if

1704
01:18:36,960 --> 01:18:39,439
Speaker 2: there was eddy violence involved. I was just trying to

1705
01:18:39,479 --> 01:18:42,280
Speaker 2: explain that his penis was just really big. The learning

1706
01:18:42,320 --> 01:18:44,600
Speaker 2: of all this was great. I remembered how much I

1707
01:18:44,680 --> 01:18:47,240
Speaker 2: love sex, how I love to be fucked. I will

1708
01:18:47,320 --> 01:18:49,840
Speaker 2: never ever again settle into a relationship with bad sex

1709
01:18:49,960 --> 01:18:52,080
Speaker 2: as I had previously had, because in my mind I

1710
01:18:52,200 --> 01:18:55,600
Speaker 2: was thinking I don't want to be superficial, so superficial

1711
01:18:55,640 --> 01:18:58,920
Speaker 2: that I would leave someone for bad sex girl. My

1712
01:18:59,080 --> 01:19:02,920
Speaker 2: sexuality had been sleeping for nine years and now I

1713
01:19:03,040 --> 01:19:05,200
Speaker 2: found it again. Thank you n y C.

1714
01:19:06,040 --> 01:19:09,439
Speaker 1: That was beautiful. N y C will do it. That

1715
01:19:09,680 --> 01:19:12,760
Speaker 1: does It just opens you up in the right way.

1716
01:19:12,760 --> 01:19:14,000
Speaker 2: It happened so many ways.

1717
01:19:15,600 --> 01:19:18,840
Speaker 1: Okay, well that was the worry and catch you guys later.

1718
01:19:19,920 --> 01:19:22,080
Speaker 3: Byeo.

1719
01:19:23,920 --> 01:19:30,840
Speaker 1: Solo recorder La LUs the latter days Ranza