WEBVTT - Positively Gam: Intimacy w/ Dr. Tiffanie Davis Henry 0:00:00.160 --> 0:00:02.920 This episode is an intended for mature audience as it 0:00:02.960 --> 0:00:08.240 contains adult language. I really really enjoy sex. Can we 0:00:08.280 --> 0:00:10.639 talk about your G spot? Gammy? What you want to 0:00:10.640 --> 0:00:12.520 talk about my G spot? What about it? Have you 0:00:12.640 --> 0:00:14.960 found it? You know what she used? I just found 0:00:14.960 --> 0:00:17.240 her recently and I don't want this to end up 0:00:17.239 --> 0:00:24.360 with me on the couch. Okay, what's up everybody? I'm 0:00:24.440 --> 0:00:28.840 Gammy and this is positively gam Every week I have raw, 0:00:29.040 --> 0:00:33.159 in depth conversation with inspirational people pushing for change on 0:00:33.320 --> 0:00:39.200 everything from relationships, aging, politics, wellness, to the current issues 0:00:39.280 --> 0:00:42.879 facing the black community. But in this episode, we're going 0:00:42.920 --> 0:00:47.760 to be talking about sex. After fifty Yes. Joining me 0:00:47.960 --> 0:00:50.760 is Dr Tiffany Davis Henry, one of the most sought 0:00:50.800 --> 0:00:54.840 after license sex and relationship experts. She even has her 0:00:54.840 --> 0:00:59.920 own private practice in Atlanta called Intimate Details, and those 0:01:00.080 --> 0:01:02.920 exactly the kind of details we all really want to know. 0:01:03.480 --> 0:01:07.400 So Dr Tiffany tell me more about Intimate Details And 0:01:07.440 --> 0:01:10.280 why did you land on that particular name. That's such 0:01:10.319 --> 0:01:13.760 a good question, Gabby. So like when I started thinking 0:01:13.760 --> 0:01:16.279 about the type of work that I knew I wanted 0:01:16.319 --> 0:01:20.959 to do within my psychotherapy practice, like I wanted a 0:01:21.080 --> 0:01:25.040 name that really resonated with the work, but also kind 0:01:25.040 --> 0:01:27.399 of clude people in that it's what we're gonna be 0:01:27.480 --> 0:01:33.400 talking about is intimate, but it is within those details 0:01:33.440 --> 0:01:37.560 that the work and the healing and the transformation actually happens. Now, 0:01:37.600 --> 0:01:41.520 I found that the women appreciate that name. The men 0:01:41.640 --> 0:01:43.560 are like, oh no, that means she's get ready to 0:01:43.560 --> 0:01:45.480 getting my business. I don't think I want to go. 0:01:45.640 --> 0:01:48.080 It's kind of a double edged sword. Some people love 0:01:48.120 --> 0:01:51.520 it and then some people are very very skeptical. But 0:01:51.960 --> 0:01:55.360 you know, it is the intimate details that I'm after, 0:01:55.560 --> 0:01:58.320 and I can't really help with those, you know, whether 0:01:58.360 --> 0:02:01.720 it's mental health challenges or actual challenge without getting to 0:02:01.760 --> 0:02:05.320 those intimate details. So that's why I think, do you 0:02:05.400 --> 0:02:09.720 find that your practice is more individuals or does it 0:02:09.960 --> 0:02:12.919 end up being more couples. It's I would say it's 0:02:12.919 --> 0:02:15.760 a good mix of both, and it's also a really 0:02:15.800 --> 0:02:18.919 good mix of a very I just have a very 0:02:18.919 --> 0:02:22.600 diverse clientele. So I see lots of women, lots of 0:02:22.639 --> 0:02:26.239 straight couples, lots of gay couples, lots of I see 0:02:26.240 --> 0:02:30.919 a lot of trans women. I've seen um just couples 0:02:30.960 --> 0:02:33.840 that are older and I see couples that are just 0:02:33.919 --> 0:02:37.200 starting out and younger, so it's it's a wide range 0:02:37.280 --> 0:02:41.400 of people. There's no set demographic. I will say though, 0:02:41.960 --> 0:02:46.120 that one thing that I found early on, especially with 0:02:46.360 --> 0:02:50.079 married heterosexual couples, I would get a lot of calls 0:02:50.320 --> 0:02:56.440 from men calling for me to see their wives. Really, 0:02:57.040 --> 0:02:59.200 the conversation would go something like this, like, you know, 0:02:59.280 --> 0:03:01.880 my wife has had been problems. She's just she just 0:03:01.880 --> 0:03:05.040 doesn't want to have sex anymore. Her libido is low, 0:03:05.160 --> 0:03:07.640 or she's having lists of the sex desire and I 0:03:07.680 --> 0:03:09.760 really don't know what's wrong. So can she make an 0:03:09.760 --> 0:03:14.200 appointment with you? And I said, well, you know what, 0:03:15.360 --> 0:03:17.680 she can, but it would be really helpful if you 0:03:17.720 --> 0:03:22.800 would come to I think I know what the problem is, 0:03:23.360 --> 0:03:25.600 and the problem is on the other end of this phone. 0:03:25.639 --> 0:03:28.720 Can you believe that some man is calling me to 0:03:28.880 --> 0:03:34.800 fix his wife. They're analyze the problem gay, that's the problem. 0:03:35.280 --> 0:03:39.080 I can relate to that absolutely. I can relate to 0:03:39.200 --> 0:03:43.880 feeling like the problem is all mine. Yeah, I'm not 0:03:43.920 --> 0:03:47.560 taking that rap anymore. That's the devil's work. I think 0:03:47.600 --> 0:03:52.280 things absolutely change as we age. Sex in your twenties 0:03:52.400 --> 0:03:54.960 is different from sex in your thirties, and it's different. 0:03:55.000 --> 0:03:58.080 It's sex in your forties. It evolves over time. We 0:03:58.160 --> 0:04:01.400 evolve over time, and if think about it, it should. 0:04:01.560 --> 0:04:04.400 I'm not the same person that I was ten twenty 0:04:04.480 --> 0:04:07.640 years ago, So why I think the same things, feel 0:04:07.680 --> 0:04:10.200 the same things, be the same person in the bedroom. 0:04:11.480 --> 0:04:18.280 Different experiences, different relationships, different abilities. So it definitely changes 0:04:18.480 --> 0:04:21.640 as you get older, but it doesn't have to dissipate 0:04:22.040 --> 0:04:24.720 or you know, just go away. A lot of times 0:04:24.760 --> 0:04:26.720 I think that people feel like, you know, as I'm 0:04:26.760 --> 0:04:29.240 getting older, we'll only have so many more years to 0:04:29.279 --> 0:04:32.840 have sex and then that's over with. And that's not 0:04:32.880 --> 0:04:34.880 the case at all. And I want to just say 0:04:34.920 --> 0:04:39.120 to that. I know. I'm hoping that there are young 0:04:39.279 --> 0:04:43.719 women that are are listening to this as well, because hopefully, 0:04:43.800 --> 0:04:47.240 if they're lucky, you know, they're not having this challenge now, 0:04:47.279 --> 0:04:51.440 but they will. And I know that for me things 0:04:51.440 --> 0:04:55.599 have only gotten better. Good say for me, say that 0:04:55.720 --> 0:05:00.719 you know me perfectly. I I really really enjoy sex. Yeah, 0:05:00.920 --> 0:05:03.720 well good, you don't have to giggle about it. It's 0:05:03.760 --> 0:05:09.520 like saying with you, and I guess it's just come 0:05:09.720 --> 0:05:14.680 from experience and just being open minded because I must 0:05:14.760 --> 0:05:19.839 say that based on what my mother told me about sex, 0:05:20.040 --> 0:05:24.640 I can certainly understand why I had issues for so 0:05:24.680 --> 0:05:27.520 many years. And what was the messaging though, What was 0:05:27.560 --> 0:05:32.440 the messaging that your mom shame and guilt. It was 0:05:32.520 --> 0:05:34.840 just a lot of shame and get which is so 0:05:35.000 --> 0:05:39.680 interesting because my mother was very and I don't want 0:05:39.760 --> 0:05:42.080 this to end up with me on the couch. Okay, 0:05:42.720 --> 0:05:45.640 well listen, give me. You're not paying me. You're not 0:05:45.680 --> 0:05:48.800 paying me, so this is just girlfriends. If you were 0:05:48.839 --> 0:05:51.800 paying me, then we'd have a whole another conversation. So 0:05:51.960 --> 0:05:54.800 we're just we're just talking, that's all. It was. Just 0:05:54.880 --> 0:05:57.000 it was just really I mean, I don't know if 0:05:57.040 --> 0:06:00.799 it was like the time, you know, back in the day, 0:06:01.200 --> 0:06:03.279 but it was just a lot of shame and guilt 0:06:03.320 --> 0:06:05.880 around sex, like don't let a boy put his tongue 0:06:05.920 --> 0:06:09.400 in your mouth, and you know, just making it everything 0:06:09.520 --> 0:06:13.760 kind of dirty and shameful. Just the opposite with my 0:06:13.880 --> 0:06:18.479 daughter with Jada, yeah, you know, and never even shared 0:06:18.560 --> 0:06:21.440 with me that she was having these conversations with Dada. 0:06:21.560 --> 0:06:24.760 So I'm glad she did. Yeah, because she did a 0:06:24.800 --> 0:06:28.400 good job. Shada was quite comfortable with her sexuality and 0:06:28.440 --> 0:06:31.599 that wasn't because of me, because I shared with Jada 0:06:31.720 --> 0:06:35.200 what my mother shared with me and what my experiences were. 0:06:35.720 --> 0:06:38.360 Isn't that just like a grandmother though, to go behind 0:06:38.440 --> 0:06:44.680 your back and everything does that? She never said a word. 0:06:44.720 --> 0:06:47.720 I had no idea until Jada was like an adult 0:06:48.560 --> 0:06:51.560 and shared it with me. And it's funny because I 0:06:51.600 --> 0:06:56.240 think the message when when we were younger was it 0:06:56.360 --> 0:07:00.520 centered around a lot of around, especially for girls growing up, 0:07:01.080 --> 0:07:03.760 not getting pregnant like that was the number one thing. 0:07:04.240 --> 0:07:09.240 Don't game to the family. Don't get exactly exactly that's 0:07:09.240 --> 0:07:12.200 what That's what I felt like. I felt like she 0:07:12.360 --> 0:07:16.520 was trying to scare us, you know, out of not 0:07:17.360 --> 0:07:21.239 you know, getting pregnant, and obviously it didn't work because 0:07:22.040 --> 0:07:25.960 you know what, I was seventeen. So getting back to 0:07:26.040 --> 0:07:30.120 sex after fifty, what kind of changes do you think 0:07:30.120 --> 0:07:34.840 that we can expect, you know, as our bodies get older. Yeah, 0:07:35.160 --> 0:07:39.040 so sexual functioning in and of itself, So you're looking 0:07:39.080 --> 0:07:42.320 at things like desigre or libido, which we've kind of 0:07:42.400 --> 0:07:45.960 hinted at. You're looking at arousal and the physiology of 0:07:46.000 --> 0:07:50.360 your body kind of getting itself ready for sex, intercourse 0:07:50.400 --> 0:07:53.880 and orgasm and that excitement and orgasmic phase as well. 0:07:54.000 --> 0:07:57.280 So there are so many things that can change. But 0:07:57.360 --> 0:08:00.360 I think the biggest indicator, or one of the biggest 0:08:00.400 --> 0:08:03.680 indicators of what's going to cause a change in your 0:08:03.720 --> 0:08:08.000 sexual functioning is going to be hormones. That's one of 0:08:08.040 --> 0:08:11.160 the biggest ones. You know, as you're getting older, you 0:08:11.240 --> 0:08:14.600 have relationship changes. So as people get older, they may 0:08:14.640 --> 0:08:18.280 be getting divorced, so you don't necessary in back in 0:08:18.440 --> 0:08:21.960 dating pools and things like that, so you have a different, 0:08:22.480 --> 0:08:26.040 different set of circumstances and maybe you did twenty years 0:08:26.080 --> 0:08:29.600 ago when you got married. I find that individuals that 0:08:29.680 --> 0:08:33.120 are older, getting older over fifty, it's a whole new 0:08:33.120 --> 0:08:36.880 world for them, just navigating how to date at this 0:08:36.960 --> 0:08:39.920 point and when to have sex and what the norms 0:08:40.400 --> 0:08:44.720 really are. One of the fastest growing populations of people 0:08:45.400 --> 0:08:48.559 with sexually transmitted affections the most increased, right or with 0:08:48.679 --> 0:08:53.200 older adults, they're not wearing condoms. Part of that is, 0:08:53.720 --> 0:08:57.400 especially with men, there tends to be some sensitivity issues. 0:08:58.040 --> 0:09:01.440 So so think about think about it this way. I'm 0:09:01.480 --> 0:09:05.000 on a medication that lowers my blood pressure, right, let's 0:09:05.000 --> 0:09:08.320 just say that, and erection is blood flow going to 0:09:08.400 --> 0:09:13.200 the penis. So now I'm having your reptile issues. And 0:09:13.679 --> 0:09:16.760 one of the things that helps me gain an erection 0:09:17.400 --> 0:09:20.959 is sensation and feeling. So whether that's through oral sex 0:09:21.200 --> 0:09:24.400 or through male manipulation or masturbakin or whatever, that's what 0:09:24.480 --> 0:09:27.040 helps me get hard. Right, So now I have to 0:09:27.080 --> 0:09:30.120 put on a condom, which condoms are designed basically to 0:09:30.320 --> 0:09:33.280 desensitize and help you to last a little bit longer 0:09:33.320 --> 0:09:36.000 as well as to protect you from s t I S. 0:09:36.520 --> 0:09:38.880 So putting on a condom for a lot of men, 0:09:39.040 --> 0:09:41.560 as they get older, especially if they already have some 0:09:41.720 --> 0:09:45.600 reptile dysfunction, they don't want to do it. And that's 0:09:45.640 --> 0:09:49.480 why because it decreates their sensitivity. And then as people 0:09:49.520 --> 0:09:52.880 get older, um too, and as a woman, like let's 0:09:52.880 --> 0:09:54.920 say these are to a man and a woman, UM 0:09:54.920 --> 0:09:58.000 having sex. I may have a lot of vaginal dryness 0:09:59.200 --> 0:10:01.920 and one the few things that I want is this 0:10:02.480 --> 0:10:06.320 latex material rubbing against the vaginal laws when I'm already 0:10:06.320 --> 0:10:10.520 having a problem with lubrication. But our condoms lubricated, some 0:10:10.600 --> 0:10:13.199 of them are, and it depends on what they're lubricated with. 0:10:13.280 --> 0:10:15.760 So some people are allergic to latex. Some people are 0:10:15.760 --> 0:10:20.680 allergic to certain lubricants so or have sensitivities to those things. 0:10:20.720 --> 0:10:23.000 So it's really important that you know what it is 0:10:23.080 --> 0:10:25.760 you're putting on and in your body. So sometimes those 0:10:26.080 --> 0:10:29.200 some people have irritations just to the lubricant that's on 0:10:29.240 --> 0:10:32.760 the condom. So it's it's there are lots of ways 0:10:32.800 --> 0:10:36.479 that we can like some add ins and some additions 0:10:36.520 --> 0:10:39.040 and things that will help out with that. But also 0:10:39.400 --> 0:10:42.200 you know, its sensitivity is an issue with you know, 0:10:42.360 --> 0:10:45.959 prolonging intercourse, staying hard, thonger and all of that. You're 0:10:45.960 --> 0:10:49.720 gonna want a lou that's got more staying power to 0:10:50.080 --> 0:10:52.400 that's not gonna dry out in the middle of sex, 0:10:52.520 --> 0:10:55.680 because then it's not fun anymore. Right, Well, talk to 0:10:55.720 --> 0:10:58.400 me a little bit before we get into lubrication. Talk 0:10:58.480 --> 0:11:02.200 to me a little bit about the female vagina, because 0:11:02.920 --> 0:11:07.920 it's more than just dryness. It's also the thinning of 0:11:07.960 --> 0:11:11.520 the lining of the vagina. Correct, yes, yes, Because I 0:11:11.559 --> 0:11:15.080 think people need to really understand what's going on with 0:11:15.120 --> 0:11:18.679 their bodies right um, and I'm not sure that everybody 0:11:18.920 --> 0:11:21.800 is really clear. So one of the things that happens 0:11:21.840 --> 0:11:25.679 as we age is we tend to have a decrease 0:11:25.760 --> 0:11:31.200 in amount of estrogen. Right, women do. And estrogen plays 0:11:31.280 --> 0:11:37.160 a huge role in our sexual health and our I 0:11:37.240 --> 0:11:41.439 guess really even the way that we feel about our sexuality. 0:11:41.679 --> 0:11:45.079 So estrogen, with low levels of estrogen, it's going to 0:11:45.200 --> 0:11:49.080 decrease your sex drive or decrease your sexual desire, your 0:11:49.440 --> 0:11:54.319 your motivation to be sexual. It increases vaginal dryness, and 0:11:54.360 --> 0:11:59.920 with vaginal dryness comes painful intercourse. So what tends to 0:12:00.120 --> 0:12:02.840 happen that lining in the vagina tends to get a 0:12:02.840 --> 0:12:05.800 little bit, it tends to get thinner. You also have 0:12:05.960 --> 0:12:11.240 some elasticity issues. But estrogen is huge. Hormone replacement therapies 0:12:11.280 --> 0:12:14.840 and things like that that replaced those estrogens is huge, 0:12:14.840 --> 0:12:19.040 and it makes a big, big improvement on people's ability 0:12:19.120 --> 0:12:22.280 to feel more sexual and want to have more sex. 0:12:22.520 --> 0:12:24.480 When sex is painful, you don't want to have it 0:12:24.520 --> 0:12:28.280 any exactly exactly. So even if your desire works fine, 0:12:28.640 --> 0:12:32.880 but if the sex is painful, then your desire is 0:12:32.920 --> 0:12:35.600 working fine because you don't want to have sex when 0:12:35.600 --> 0:12:38.040 it's painful. You shouldn't want to have sex when it's painful. 0:12:38.200 --> 0:12:41.320 So let's talk about You talked a little bit about men. 0:12:41.480 --> 0:12:44.000 Is there anything else that we need to know about 0:12:44.120 --> 0:12:49.079 men as far as the changes that their bodies go through. 0:12:49.960 --> 0:12:52.520 So a lot of I think one of the biggest thing, 0:12:52.559 --> 0:12:55.240 and we did hints on the erectile issues. So for 0:12:55.400 --> 0:12:58.120 men when I see them in my practice, more of 0:12:58.120 --> 0:13:02.240 their concerns are about premature jack reculation or erectile dysfunction. 0:13:02.480 --> 0:13:06.960 Premature ejaculation meaning basically, I'm ejaculating before I would like to, 0:13:07.280 --> 0:13:10.560 and the erectile dysfunction I'm not able to obtain or 0:13:10.679 --> 0:13:13.880 maintain an erection for the length of time that i'd 0:13:13.960 --> 0:13:17.520 like or the hardness that I would like. Yeah, and 0:13:17.640 --> 0:13:21.880 a lot of their issues maybe from medications that they're on. 0:13:22.040 --> 0:13:26.400 Correct when it has to medication, if it has to 0:13:26.480 --> 0:13:31.280 do with yeah, definitely with erection, it usually is a 0:13:31.320 --> 0:13:34.160 blood flow thing, so we're talking about blood pressure. We're 0:13:34.200 --> 0:13:39.120 also talking about diabetes as well. So with that effect 0:13:39.120 --> 0:13:43.320 their libido as well. It well. So libido is a 0:13:43.320 --> 0:13:45.679 funny thing because it's tied to so many things. If 0:13:45.720 --> 0:13:49.120 your performance isn't what you want it to be, then 0:13:49.120 --> 0:13:51.040 it's not gonna make you want to have sex as much. 0:13:51.360 --> 0:13:56.520 So libido sexual desire is one's motivation to be sexual. 0:13:57.120 --> 0:14:01.040 So I am feeling like, you know, I'm not performing 0:14:01.080 --> 0:14:03.720 at my best. I can't stay hard for longer than 0:14:04.640 --> 0:14:08.439 thirty seconds. I don't want to have sex anymore because 0:14:08.440 --> 0:14:10.720 it's not fun. It's almost like the person um that 0:14:10.840 --> 0:14:20.560 says I've never had an orgasm. They don't want to 0:14:20.600 --> 0:14:23.720 have sex, so there's no payoff at the end. Their 0:14:23.800 --> 0:14:26.680 goal is either to last a certain amount of time, 0:14:27.240 --> 0:14:30.120 or to climax or to have their partner climax, and 0:14:30.160 --> 0:14:32.840 if they can't do those things, it makes them less 0:14:32.920 --> 0:14:36.640 motivated to have sex. So it does impact the libido 0:14:36.760 --> 0:14:40.520 in a way, in a roundabout way. Yeah, So I 0:14:40.560 --> 0:14:44.600 feel like a lot of this is really is psychological. 0:14:44.680 --> 0:14:47.200 To then, when someone walks in my office and says 0:14:47.280 --> 0:14:50.600 they have some sort of sexual issue, whether it's orgasm 0:14:50.760 --> 0:14:55.920 or sexual desire or um just being aroused, I'm looking 0:14:55.960 --> 0:15:00.280 at three things. I'm looking at the biological, psychological, coal 0:15:00.720 --> 0:15:08.160 and social issues. So biological being hormones or medications or 0:15:08.760 --> 0:15:11.720 illness that they've had, and things like that that would 0:15:11.760 --> 0:15:15.440 impede the physiology of whatever is impacting them. Then I'm 0:15:15.480 --> 0:15:18.120 looking at the psychological stuff. So are they depressed, are 0:15:18.120 --> 0:15:21.040 they fatigued? How are they sleeping? Are they super anxious, 0:15:21.080 --> 0:15:24.440 do they have difficulty with concentration or control? All the 0:15:24.440 --> 0:15:27.600 psychological things that I would look at on a normal person, 0:15:28.000 --> 0:15:30.520 and then kind of figuring out where those dots connect 0:15:30.560 --> 0:15:34.000 for them sexually. And so if you are partnered with 0:15:34.080 --> 0:15:37.880 someone that you do not like or the sex isn't 0:15:37.920 --> 0:15:40.440 what you would like it to be. Yeah, I always say, 0:15:40.440 --> 0:15:42.760 you're like your vagina talks to you. It really does, 0:15:42.800 --> 0:15:45.640 and it will shut down on you so fast if 0:15:45.760 --> 0:15:51.560 you're so Some times that dryness is not about there 0:15:51.560 --> 0:15:54.840 being some sort of hormonal issue. But also, and I'm 0:15:54.840 --> 0:15:57.320 sure you have girlfriends that have experienced as people stay 0:15:57.360 --> 0:16:01.760 together way past expiration. They that's something that you know, 0:16:01.800 --> 0:16:03.800 when I see couples like that, I want to know 0:16:03.880 --> 0:16:06.720 what it what that thing is when things turned off, 0:16:06.760 --> 0:16:08.400 and what it is we can do to kind of 0:16:08.440 --> 0:16:11.080 fix that if they want to. Now, there are some 0:16:11.120 --> 0:16:14.280 couples who could care less about exactly. That's That's the 0:16:14.320 --> 0:16:16.240 other thing that I wanted to say, Like, some people 0:16:16.440 --> 0:16:19.440 are okay with it. Yeah, you know, they're they're they're 0:16:19.520 --> 0:16:22.680 totally fine with it. So has there ever been not 0:16:22.800 --> 0:16:25.880 in this current relationship, right, but in previous relationships, has 0:16:25.880 --> 0:16:28.800 there ever been a time where maybe you didn't feel 0:16:28.840 --> 0:16:33.160 like having sex or your partner didn't and that became 0:16:33.240 --> 0:16:38.040 like an issue, a real issue in your relationship. Yes, yeah, absolutely. 0:16:38.040 --> 0:16:41.680 It was an issue to the point where my husband 0:16:41.720 --> 0:16:44.440 at the time wanted us to go to a sex therapist. 0:16:44.640 --> 0:16:47.360 Did you go? I did not, But we were in 0:16:47.520 --> 0:16:51.920 therapy already, so I did not go to a sex therapist. 0:16:52.680 --> 0:16:56.680 But you know, I was able to have conversation about 0:16:56.720 --> 0:17:00.960 it and just release some some of that guilt and 0:17:01.040 --> 0:17:03.480 shame that I had on but and what he said 0:17:03.520 --> 0:17:06.800 to me was, don't you want to feel good? M hm? 0:17:07.359 --> 0:17:09.600 And I had to really think about that. I had 0:17:09.640 --> 0:17:12.960 to really think about that, like, because once I was 0:17:13.080 --> 0:17:17.840 actually engaged, I did absolutely, yes, but it was just 0:17:18.000 --> 0:17:22.479 getting there. Oh oh, so you're saying like I didn't 0:17:22.480 --> 0:17:27.359 necessarily have the desire before sex started, but once sex 0:17:27.440 --> 0:17:30.960 got going, then it was great. The sexual desire was 0:17:31.000 --> 0:17:33.119 the part that you were looking right, and so you 0:17:33.119 --> 0:17:35.400 feel like it was that part of you that had 0:17:35.440 --> 0:17:38.000 been told like sex is bad, you shouldn't enjoy sex. 0:17:38.040 --> 0:17:40.639 You just or what was it? I think it was 0:17:40.680 --> 0:17:43.240 a little bit of that. I think as as time 0:17:43.320 --> 0:17:47.560 went on, it turned out to be the relationship itself, 0:17:48.000 --> 0:17:50.199 and a lot of what you were saying before, if 0:17:50.440 --> 0:17:55.240 if you're not happy in the relationship, then yeah, yeah, 0:17:55.359 --> 0:17:58.640 we're kind of forcing yourself to do something that like 0:17:58.880 --> 0:18:01.360 you really not that in are standing doing. And granted 0:18:01.640 --> 0:18:05.680 people can have great sex and not like the person, 0:18:06.800 --> 0:18:09.760 but it doesn't necessarily make you desire it. It's just 0:18:09.800 --> 0:18:12.080 like I do it because you know, it's a stick 0:18:12.119 --> 0:18:15.080 I need. And then as time went on and I 0:18:15.119 --> 0:18:19.119 was having the physic physiological symptoms, I felt like I 0:18:19.280 --> 0:18:22.720 was being made to feel like it was I needed 0:18:22.720 --> 0:18:26.119 to figure it out, that we need to figure it out. 0:18:26.200 --> 0:18:28.840 And so that's why that example resonated with you. I 0:18:28.840 --> 0:18:31.959 think that I gave at the beginning because what typically happens, 0:18:32.080 --> 0:18:34.760 especially with men, they feel like the person with the 0:18:34.880 --> 0:18:40.440 low desire is the person that's the problem. Yeah, not problem. Yes, 0:18:40.520 --> 0:18:43.160 so we're gonna send her to therapy or hymn to therapy. 0:18:43.359 --> 0:18:45.360 I'll sit home and wait on her to get fixed 0:18:46.080 --> 0:18:48.200 and then we can go ahead. And so, and that's 0:18:48.200 --> 0:18:50.960 not the way that I work as a sex therapist, 0:18:50.960 --> 0:18:53.359 and most sex therapists won't work that way because what 0:18:53.480 --> 0:18:55.920 we know is that there are two people in this relationship, 0:18:56.720 --> 0:19:00.199 and there is often something that that other person is 0:19:00.280 --> 0:19:04.120 doing or not doing that it's causing the sexual desire 0:19:04.160 --> 0:19:06.840 to be low. And so whenever I would get those calls, 0:19:06.880 --> 0:19:08.480 and it's just like, well, can you just see this 0:19:08.520 --> 0:19:10.760 person and fix them and send them back to me? 0:19:10.760 --> 0:19:13.080 Now I need to see you too, sir. Yeah. It 0:19:13.160 --> 0:19:15.640 could be that you have talked down to her for 0:19:15.680 --> 0:19:17.919 so many years and she's just sick of it and 0:19:18.000 --> 0:19:22.919 she doesn't like you anymore, and your behavior, she I 0:19:22.960 --> 0:19:25.440 can't make her want to have sex with you. Actually, 0:19:25.440 --> 0:19:28.080 her vagina is working just fine. She should not want 0:19:28.119 --> 0:19:30.280 to have sex with you because of how you're acting. 0:19:30.400 --> 0:19:32.680 And so sometimes people need to hear that and see 0:19:32.680 --> 0:19:36.400 that that it's not just because they are the identified 0:19:36.560 --> 0:19:40.160 patient the one with the issue, does not mean they 0:19:40.160 --> 0:19:44.040 are the one with the problem. Got it, Yeah, got 0:19:44.080 --> 0:19:55.320 it all right? So let's move on to toys and loops, 0:19:55.760 --> 0:19:59.720 because I feel like some of these toys are very complicated. Now, 0:19:59.800 --> 0:20:04.639 I for one, have never been someone who is really 0:20:05.240 --> 0:20:09.040 interested in using toys. I just really didn't get it. 0:20:09.119 --> 0:20:12.480 And my girl, I can remember my girlfriends we were 0:20:12.520 --> 0:20:15.239 talking about it and it was several of them at 0:20:15.280 --> 0:20:20.720 the same time that said you don't use toys, and 0:20:20.760 --> 0:20:24.560 I was like, no, when you got a man and 0:20:24.680 --> 0:20:26.960 know what you're doing, you know what that Well, that's true. 0:20:27.000 --> 0:20:30.320 But it turns out that my husband was the one 0:20:30.359 --> 0:20:33.760 who bought me my first toy. Awesome. I thought that 0:20:33.840 --> 0:20:36.800 was interesting. So it's it's fine, but it's it's a 0:20:36.880 --> 0:20:39.840 very basic toy. And sometimes I look at these things 0:20:39.880 --> 0:20:43.639 that they just look like contraptions. I'm like, what are 0:20:43.640 --> 0:20:46.480 you supposed to say? Don't come with directions? Like I 0:20:46.480 --> 0:20:48.679 almost feel like I need a video, like, you know, 0:20:48.800 --> 0:20:51.080 you can show me what what I'm supposed to do 0:20:51.080 --> 0:20:54.639 with this. Most of the toys you have videos that 0:20:54.760 --> 0:20:58.960 go with them if you go to the actual distributors website. 0:20:59.119 --> 0:21:01.560 But you know, some of the other videos might be 0:21:01.600 --> 0:21:04.920 a little too pornographic. So toys and loops. So one 0:21:04.960 --> 0:21:08.160 of the I think one of the greatest gifts, especially 0:21:08.359 --> 0:21:12.000 as we age for women and for men, one of 0:21:12.000 --> 0:21:15.760 the greatest gifts is lubricants. Yes, and which are the 0:21:15.800 --> 0:21:19.680 best because for me, in my experience, it has been 0:21:20.080 --> 0:21:25.680 a real struggle, seriously, because I'm about gotting on too 0:21:25.760 --> 0:21:28.240 much and if we're just slipping and sliding all over 0:21:28.280 --> 0:21:33.280 the place or it's not enough, you know, So it 0:21:33.359 --> 0:21:36.080 certainly does. It does depend on what it is that 0:21:36.119 --> 0:21:39.520 you're doing and what it is that you're needing at 0:21:39.520 --> 0:21:42.480 the time. So one of the best brand, the brand 0:21:42.520 --> 0:21:45.480 that I really love and I always will recommend to people, 0:21:45.680 --> 0:21:50.200 is called Liquid s l I q u I D 0:21:50.480 --> 0:21:54.800 And they make natural and organic loops and that is 0:21:54.800 --> 0:21:57.760 why I like them because all of their things, they're 0:21:57.800 --> 0:22:02.240 usually glittering free, pair have been free and just very 0:22:02.400 --> 0:22:06.879 very easy on the skin, the least amount of skin irritations. 0:22:07.240 --> 0:22:10.679 And they come in a lot of different variations. I 0:22:10.760 --> 0:22:15.600 have one here this is Liquid oceanics Um. This particular 0:22:15.720 --> 0:22:19.560 one is botanical infused and so it has like karagean 0:22:19.800 --> 0:22:23.720 nori and wacami. But lubricant is just so it's one 0:22:23.720 --> 0:22:25.600 of those things where people just want to be a 0:22:25.640 --> 0:22:28.280 hero and don't want to use it, and you know 0:22:28.720 --> 0:22:31.359 you need to if your body isn't doing what it 0:22:31.440 --> 0:22:34.840 normally would do, especially as we're aging, have the loop 0:22:34.880 --> 0:22:37.720 by the bed. There is no tre in that. Younger people, 0:22:38.600 --> 0:22:41.119 you know, your bodies don't always work your vagina and 0:22:41.240 --> 0:22:43.280 always doing what you wanted to do at the time. 0:22:43.320 --> 0:22:44.919 That you wanted to do it. So in terms of 0:22:44.960 --> 0:22:48.639 the types of loop though, there are basically three main types. 0:22:48.720 --> 0:22:52.080 There's water based, there's silicone base, and then there's a hybrid, 0:22:52.119 --> 0:22:54.919 meaning there's a mixture of the two. Water based loops 0:22:54.960 --> 0:22:59.480 are really great, obviously, their water based silicone loops tend 0:22:59.560 --> 0:23:03.159 to be a lot thicker or a little bit thicker 0:23:03.280 --> 0:23:06.800 because they're not water based. The great thing about silicone 0:23:06.800 --> 0:23:10.640 based loops is they have more staying power. So we're 0:23:10.640 --> 0:23:13.240 looking for something, let's say, for anal sex, I would 0:23:13.240 --> 0:23:15.440 not recommend a water based loop because it's going to 0:23:15.640 --> 0:23:18.000 dry out quicker. And we know that the anus does 0:23:18.040 --> 0:23:21.360 not self lubricate like the vagina dust. So you want 0:23:21.440 --> 0:23:24.800 something that's actually gonna stay there and be there for 0:23:24.880 --> 0:23:27.399 a minute. But because of that thickness, a lot of 0:23:27.400 --> 0:23:30.800 people don't like it for vaginal sex sometimes. But what 0:23:30.960 --> 0:23:34.320 with water based loops, so even though they're great, they 0:23:34.400 --> 0:23:37.439 will dry out quicker, so you might find if you 0:23:37.480 --> 0:23:40.520 need to reapply it. So it is about and so 0:23:40.680 --> 0:23:42.920 hybrids are really good because it's kind of the gift 0:23:42.960 --> 0:23:45.760 of both either a little bit thicker, but they're not 0:23:46.119 --> 0:23:49.439 as watery. Now let me tell you what I used to. 0:23:49.760 --> 0:23:54.080 I have like these little vaginal and suppositories that once 0:23:54.119 --> 0:23:57.840 again my good good friends shared with me that they 0:23:57.880 --> 0:24:01.720 were great, and it's nothing but cocoa butter, it's an 0:24:02.080 --> 0:24:06.040 estriol in it, vitamin E and bees wax. We had 0:24:06.119 --> 0:24:10.200