Speaker 1: This episode is an intended for mature audience as it
Speaker 1: contains adult language. I really really enjoy sex. Can we
Speaker 1: talk about your G spot? Gammy? What you want to
Speaker 1: talk about my G spot? What about it? Have you
Speaker 1: found it? You know what she used? I just found
Speaker 1: her recently and I don't want this to end up
Speaker 1: with me on the couch. Okay, what's up everybody? I'm
Speaker 1: Gammy and this is positively gam Every week I have raw,
Speaker 1: in depth conversation with inspirational people pushing for change on
Speaker 1: everything from relationships, aging, politics, wellness, to the current issues
Speaker 1: facing the black community. But in this episode, we're going
Speaker 1: to be talking about sex. After fifty Yes. Joining me
Speaker 1: is Dr Tiffany Davis Henry, one of the most sought
Speaker 1: after license sex and relationship experts. She even has her
Speaker 1: own private practice in Atlanta called Intimate Details, and those
Speaker 1: exactly the kind of details we all really want to know.
Speaker 1: So Dr Tiffany tell me more about Intimate Details And
Speaker 1: why did you land on that particular name. That's such
Speaker 1: a good question, Gabby. So like when I started thinking
Speaker 1: about the type of work that I knew I wanted
Speaker 1: to do within my psychotherapy practice, like I wanted a
Speaker 1: name that really resonated with the work, but also kind
Speaker 1: of clude people in that it's what we're gonna be
Speaker 1: talking about is intimate, but it is within those details
Speaker 1: that the work and the healing and the transformation actually happens. Now,
Speaker 1: I found that the women appreciate that name. The men
Speaker 1: are like, oh no, that means she's get ready to
Speaker 1: getting my business. I don't think I want to go.
Speaker 1: It's kind of a double edged sword. Some people love
Speaker 1: it and then some people are very very skeptical. But
Speaker 1: you know, it is the intimate details that I'm after,
Speaker 1: and I can't really help with those, you know, whether
Speaker 1: it's mental health challenges or actual challenge without getting to
Speaker 1: those intimate details. So that's why I think, do you
Speaker 1: find that your practice is more individuals or does it
Speaker 1: end up being more couples. It's I would say it's
Speaker 1: a good mix of both, and it's also a really
Speaker 1: good mix of a very I just have a very
Speaker 1: diverse clientele. So I see lots of women, lots of
Speaker 1: straight couples, lots of gay couples, lots of I see
Speaker 1: a lot of trans women. I've seen um just couples
Speaker 1: that are older and I see couples that are just
Speaker 1: starting out and younger, so it's it's a wide range
Speaker 1: of people. There's no set demographic. I will say though,
Speaker 1: that one thing that I found early on, especially with
Speaker 1: married heterosexual couples, I would get a lot of calls
Speaker 1: from men calling for me to see their wives. Really,
Speaker 1: the conversation would go something like this, like, you know,
Speaker 1: my wife has had been problems. She's just she just
Speaker 1: doesn't want to have sex anymore. Her libido is low,
Speaker 1: or she's having lists of the sex desire and I
Speaker 1: really don't know what's wrong. So can she make an
Speaker 1: appointment with you? And I said, well, you know what,
Speaker 1: she can, but it would be really helpful if you
Speaker 1: would come to I think I know what the problem is,
Speaker 1: and the problem is on the other end of this phone.
Speaker 1: Can you believe that some man is calling me to
Speaker 1: fix his wife. They're analyze the problem gay, that's the problem.
Speaker 1: I can relate to that absolutely. I can relate to
Speaker 1: feeling like the problem is all mine. Yeah, I'm not
Speaker 1: taking that rap anymore. That's the devil's work. I think
Speaker 1: things absolutely change as we age. Sex in your twenties
Speaker 1: is different from sex in your thirties, and it's different.
Speaker 1: It's sex in your forties. It evolves over time. We
Speaker 1: evolve over time, and if think about it, it should.
Speaker 1: I'm not the same person that I was ten twenty
Speaker 1: years ago, So why I think the same things, feel
Speaker 1: the same things, be the same person in the bedroom.
Speaker 1: Different experiences, different relationships, different abilities. So it definitely changes
Speaker 1: as you get older, but it doesn't have to dissipate
Speaker 1: or you know, just go away. A lot of times
Speaker 1: I think that people feel like, you know, as I'm
Speaker 1: getting older, we'll only have so many more years to
Speaker 1: have sex and then that's over with. And that's not
Speaker 1: the case at all. And I want to just say
Speaker 1: to that. I know. I'm hoping that there are young
Speaker 1: women that are are listening to this as well, because hopefully,
Speaker 1: if they're lucky, you know, they're not having this challenge now,
Speaker 1: but they will. And I know that for me things
Speaker 1: have only gotten better. Good say for me, say that
Speaker 1: you know me perfectly. I I really really enjoy sex. Yeah,
Speaker 1: well good, you don't have to giggle about it. It's
Speaker 1: like saying with you, and I guess it's just come
Speaker 1: from experience and just being open minded because I must
Speaker 1: say that based on what my mother told me about sex,
Speaker 1: I can certainly understand why I had issues for so
Speaker 1: many years. And what was the messaging though, What was
Speaker 1: the messaging that your mom shame and guilt. It was
Speaker 1: just a lot of shame and get which is so
Speaker 1: interesting because my mother was very and I don't want
Speaker 1: this to end up with me on the couch. Okay,
Speaker 1: well listen, give me. You're not paying me. You're not
Speaker 1: paying me, so this is just girlfriends. If you were
Speaker 1: paying me, then we'd have a whole another conversation. So
Speaker 1: we're just we're just talking, that's all. It was. Just
Speaker 1: it was just really I mean, I don't know if
Speaker 1: it was like the time, you know, back in the day,
Speaker 1: but it was just a lot of shame and guilt
Speaker 1: around sex, like don't let a boy put his tongue
Speaker 1: in your mouth, and you know, just making it everything
Speaker 1: kind of dirty and shameful. Just the opposite with my
Speaker 1: daughter with Jada, yeah, you know, and never even shared
Speaker 1: with me that she was having these conversations with Dada.
Speaker 1: So I'm glad she did. Yeah, because she did a
Speaker 1: good job. Shada was quite comfortable with her sexuality and
Speaker 1: that wasn't because of me, because I shared with Jada
Speaker 1: what my mother shared with me and what my experiences were.
Speaker 1: Isn't that just like a grandmother though, to go behind
Speaker 1: your back and everything does that? She never said a word.
Speaker 1: I had no idea until Jada was like an adult
Speaker 1: and shared it with me. And it's funny because I
Speaker 1: think the message when when we were younger was it
Speaker 1: centered around a lot of around, especially for girls growing up,
Speaker 1: not getting pregnant like that was the number one thing.
Speaker 1: Don't game to the family. Don't get exactly exactly that's
Speaker 1: what That's what I felt like. I felt like she
Speaker 1: was trying to scare us, you know, out of not
Speaker 1: you know, getting pregnant, and obviously it didn't work because
Speaker 1: you know what, I was seventeen. So getting back to
Speaker 1: sex after fifty, what kind of changes do you think
Speaker 1: that we can expect, you know, as our bodies get older. Yeah,
Speaker 1: so sexual functioning in and of itself, So you're looking
Speaker 1: at things like desigre or libido, which we've kind of
Speaker 1: hinted at. You're looking at arousal and the physiology of
Speaker 1: your body kind of getting itself ready for sex, intercourse
Speaker 1: and orgasm and that excitement and orgasmic phase as well.
Speaker 1: So there are so many things that can change. But
Speaker 1: I think the biggest indicator, or one of the biggest
Speaker 1: indicators of what's going to cause a change in your
Speaker 1: sexual functioning is going to be hormones. That's one of
Speaker 1: the biggest ones. You know, as you're getting older, you
Speaker 1: have relationship changes. So as people get older, they may
Speaker 1: be getting divorced, so you don't necessary in back in
Speaker 1: dating pools and things like that, so you have a different,
Speaker 1: different set of circumstances and maybe you did twenty years
Speaker 1: ago when you got married. I find that individuals that
Speaker 1: are older, getting older over fifty, it's a whole new
Speaker 1: world for them, just navigating how to date at this
Speaker 1: point and when to have sex and what the norms
Speaker 1: really are. One of the fastest growing populations of people
Speaker 1: with sexually transmitted affections the most increased, right or with
Speaker 1: older adults, they're not wearing condoms. Part of that is,
Speaker 1: especially with men, there tends to be some sensitivity issues.
Speaker 1: So so think about think about it this way. I'm
Speaker 1: on a medication that lowers my blood pressure, right, let's
Speaker 1: just say that, and erection is blood flow going to
Speaker 1: the penis. So now I'm having your reptile issues. And
Speaker 1: one of the things that helps me gain an erection
Speaker 1: is sensation and feeling. So whether that's through oral sex
Speaker 1: or through male manipulation or masturbakin or whatever, that's what
Speaker 1: helps me get hard. Right, So now I have to
Speaker 1: put on a condom, which condoms are designed basically to
Speaker 1: desensitize and help you to last a little bit longer
Speaker 1: as well as to protect you from s t I S.
Speaker 1: So putting on a condom for a lot of men,
Speaker 1: as they get older, especially if they already have some
Speaker 1: reptile dysfunction, they don't want to do it. And that's
Speaker 1: why because it decreates their sensitivity. And then as people
Speaker 1: get older, um too, and as a woman, like let's
Speaker 1: say these are to a man and a woman, UM
Speaker 1: having sex. I may have a lot of vaginal dryness
Speaker 1: and one the few things that I want is this
Speaker 1: latex material rubbing against the vaginal laws when I'm already
Speaker 1: having a problem with lubrication. But our condoms lubricated, some
Speaker 1: of them are, and it depends on what they're lubricated with.
Speaker 1: So some people are allergic to latex. Some people are
Speaker 1: allergic to certain lubricants so or have sensitivities to those things.
Speaker 1: So it's really important that you know what it is
Speaker 1: you're putting on and in your body. So sometimes those
Speaker 1: some people have irritations just to the lubricant that's on
Speaker 1: the condom. So it's it's there are lots of ways
Speaker 1: that we can like some add ins and some additions
Speaker 1: and things that will help out with that. But also
Speaker 1: you know, its sensitivity is an issue with you know,
Speaker 1: prolonging intercourse, staying hard, thonger and all of that. You're
Speaker 1: gonna want a lou that's got more staying power to
Speaker 1: that's not gonna dry out in the middle of sex,
Speaker 1: because then it's not fun anymore. Right, Well, talk to
Speaker 1: me a little bit before we get into lubrication. Talk
Speaker 1: to me a little bit about the female vagina, because
Speaker 1: it's more than just dryness. It's also the thinning of
Speaker 1: the lining of the vagina. Correct, yes, yes, Because I
Speaker 1: think people need to really understand what's going on with
Speaker 1: their bodies right um, and I'm not sure that everybody
Speaker 1: is really clear. So one of the things that happens
Speaker 1: as we age is we tend to have a decrease
Speaker 1: in amount of estrogen. Right, women do. And estrogen plays
Speaker 1: a huge role in our sexual health and our I
Speaker 1: guess really even the way that we feel about our sexuality.
Speaker 1: So estrogen, with low levels of estrogen, it's going to
Speaker 1: decrease your sex drive or decrease your sexual desire, your
Speaker 1: your motivation to be sexual. It increases vaginal dryness, and
Speaker 1: with vaginal dryness comes painful intercourse. So what tends to
Speaker 1: happen that lining in the vagina tends to get a
Speaker 1: little bit, it tends to get thinner. You also have
Speaker 1: some elasticity issues. But estrogen is huge. Hormone replacement therapies
Speaker 1: and things like that that replaced those estrogens is huge,
Speaker 1: and it makes a big, big improvement on people's ability
Speaker 1: to feel more sexual and want to have more sex.
Speaker 1: When sex is painful, you don't want to have it
Speaker 1: any exactly exactly. So even if your desire works fine,
Speaker 1: but if the sex is painful, then your desire is
Speaker 1: working fine because you don't want to have sex when
Speaker 1: it's painful. You shouldn't want to have sex when it's painful.
Speaker 1: So let's talk about You talked a little bit about men.
Speaker 1: Is there anything else that we need to know about
Speaker 1: men as far as the changes that their bodies go through.
Speaker 1: So a lot of I think one of the biggest thing,
Speaker 1: and we did hints on the erectile issues. So for
Speaker 1: men when I see them in my practice, more of
Speaker 1: their concerns are about premature jack reculation or erectile dysfunction.
Speaker 1: Premature ejaculation meaning basically, I'm ejaculating before I would like to,
Speaker 1: and the erectile dysfunction I'm not able to obtain or
Speaker 1: maintain an erection for the length of time that i'd
Speaker 1: like or the hardness that I would like. Yeah, and
Speaker 1: a lot of their issues maybe from medications that they're on.
Speaker 1: Correct when it has to medication, if it has to
Speaker 1: do with yeah, definitely with erection, it usually is a
Speaker 1: blood flow thing, so we're talking about blood pressure. We're
Speaker 1: also talking about diabetes as well. So with that effect
Speaker 1: their libido as well. It well. So libido is a
Speaker 1: funny thing because it's tied to so many things. If
Speaker 1: your performance isn't what you want it to be, then
Speaker 1: it's not gonna make you want to have sex as much.
Speaker 1: So libido sexual desire is one's motivation to be sexual.
Speaker 1: So I am feeling like, you know, I'm not performing
Speaker 1: at my best. I can't stay hard for longer than
Speaker 1: thirty seconds. I don't want to have sex anymore because
Speaker 1: it's not fun. It's almost like the person um that
Speaker 1: says I've never had an orgasm. They don't want to
Speaker 1: have sex, so there's no payoff at the end. Their
Speaker 1: goal is either to last a certain amount of time,
Speaker 1: or to climax or to have their partner climax, and
Speaker 1: if they can't do those things, it makes them less
Speaker 1: motivated to have sex. So it does impact the libido
Speaker 1: in a way, in a roundabout way. Yeah, So I
Speaker 1: feel like a lot of this is really is psychological.
Speaker 1: To then, when someone walks in my office and says
Speaker 1: they have some sort of sexual issue, whether it's orgasm
Speaker 1: or sexual desire or um just being aroused, I'm looking
Speaker 1: at three things. I'm looking at the biological, psychological, coal
Speaker 1: and social issues. So biological being hormones or medications or
Speaker 1: illness that they've had, and things like that that would
Speaker 1: impede the physiology of whatever is impacting them. Then I'm
Speaker 1: looking at the psychological stuff. So are they depressed, are
Speaker 1: they fatigued? How are they sleeping? Are they super anxious,
Speaker 1: do they have difficulty with concentration or control? All the
Speaker 1: psychological things that I would look at on a normal person,
Speaker 1: and then kind of figuring out where those dots connect
Speaker 1: for them sexually. And so if you are partnered with
Speaker 1: someone that you do not like or the sex isn't
Speaker 1: what you would like it to be. Yeah, I always say,
Speaker 1: you're like your vagina talks to you. It really does,
Speaker 1: and it will shut down on you so fast if
Speaker 1: you're so Some times that dryness is not about there
Speaker 1: being some sort of hormonal issue. But also, and I'm
Speaker 1: sure you have girlfriends that have experienced as people stay
Speaker 1: together way past expiration. They that's something that you know,
Speaker 1: when I see couples like that, I want to know
Speaker 1: what it what that thing is when things turned off,
Speaker 1: and what it is we can do to kind of
Speaker 1: fix that if they want to. Now, there are some
Speaker 1: couples who could care less about exactly. That's That's the
Speaker 1: other thing that I wanted to say, Like, some people
Speaker 1: are okay with it. Yeah, you know, they're they're they're
Speaker 1: totally fine with it. So has there ever been not
Speaker 1: in this current relationship, right, but in previous relationships, has
Speaker 1: there ever been a time where maybe you didn't feel
Speaker 1: like having sex or your partner didn't and that became
Speaker 1: like an issue, a real issue in your relationship. Yes, yeah, absolutely.
Speaker 1: It was an issue to the point where my husband
Speaker 1: at the time wanted us to go to a sex therapist.
Speaker 1: Did you go? I did not, But we were in
Speaker 1: therapy already, so I did not go to a sex therapist.
Speaker 1: But you know, I was able to have conversation about
Speaker 1: it and just release some some of that guilt and
Speaker 1: shame that I had on but and what he said
Speaker 1: to me was, don't you want to feel good? M hm?
Speaker 1: And I had to really think about that. I had
Speaker 1: to really think about that, like, because once I was
Speaker 1: actually engaged, I did absolutely, yes, but it was just
Speaker 1: getting there. Oh oh, so you're saying like I didn't
Speaker 1: necessarily have the desire before sex started, but once sex
Speaker 1: got going, then it was great. The sexual desire was
Speaker 1: the part that you were looking right, and so you
Speaker 1: feel like it was that part of you that had
Speaker 1: been told like sex is bad, you shouldn't enjoy sex.
Speaker 1: You just or what was it? I think it was
Speaker 1: a little bit of that. I think as as time
Speaker 1: went on, it turned out to be the relationship itself,
Speaker 1: and a lot of what you were saying before, if
Speaker 1: if you're not happy in the relationship, then yeah, yeah,
Speaker 1: we're kind of forcing yourself to do something that like
Speaker 1: you really not that in are standing doing. And granted
Speaker 1: people can have great sex and not like the person,
Speaker 1: but it doesn't necessarily make you desire it. It's just
Speaker 1: like I do it because you know, it's a stick
Speaker 1: I need. And then as time went on and I
Speaker 1: was having the physic physiological symptoms, I felt like I
Speaker 1: was being made to feel like it was I needed
Speaker 1: to figure it out, that we need to figure it out.
Speaker 1: And so that's why that example resonated with you. I
Speaker 1: think that I gave at the beginning because what typically happens,
Speaker 1: especially with men, they feel like the person with the
Speaker 1: low desire is the person that's the problem. Yeah, not problem. Yes,
Speaker 1: so we're gonna send her to therapy or hymn to therapy.
Speaker 1: I'll sit home and wait on her to get fixed
Speaker 1: and then we can go ahead. And so, and that's
Speaker 1: not the way that I work as a sex therapist,
Speaker 1: and most sex therapists won't work that way because what
Speaker 1: we know is that there are two people in this relationship,
Speaker 1: and there is often something that that other person is
Speaker 1: doing or not doing that it's causing the sexual desire
Speaker 1: to be low. And so whenever I would get those calls,
Speaker 1: and it's just like, well, can you just see this
Speaker 1: person and fix them and send them back to me?
Speaker 1: Now I need to see you too, sir. Yeah. It
Speaker 1: could be that you have talked down to her for
Speaker 1: so many years and she's just sick of it and
Speaker 1: she doesn't like you anymore, and your behavior, she I
Speaker 1: can't make her want to have sex with you. Actually,
Speaker 1: her vagina is working just fine. She should not want
Speaker 1: to have sex with you because of how you're acting.
Speaker 1: And so sometimes people need to hear that and see
Speaker 1: that that it's not just because they are the identified
Speaker 1: patient the one with the issue, does not mean they
Speaker 1: are the one with the problem. Got it, Yeah, got
Speaker 1: it all right? So let's move on to toys and loops,
Speaker 1: because I feel like some of these toys are very complicated. Now,
Speaker 1: I for one, have never been someone who is really
Speaker 1: interested in using toys. I just really didn't get it.
Speaker 1: And my girl, I can remember my girlfriends we were
Speaker 1: talking about it and it was several of them at
Speaker 1: the same time that said you don't use toys, and
Speaker 1: I was like, no, when you got a man and
Speaker 1: know what you're doing, you know what that Well, that's true.
Speaker 1: But it turns out that my husband was the one
Speaker 1: who bought me my first toy. Awesome. I thought that
Speaker 1: was interesting. So it's it's fine, but it's it's a
Speaker 1: very basic toy. And sometimes I look at these things
Speaker 1: that they just look like contraptions. I'm like, what are
Speaker 1: you supposed to say? Don't come with directions? Like I
Speaker 1: almost feel like I need a video, like, you know,
Speaker 1: you can show me what what I'm supposed to do
Speaker 1: with this. Most of the toys you have videos that
Speaker 1: go with them if you go to the actual distributors website.
Speaker 1: But you know, some of the other videos might be
Speaker 1: a little too pornographic. So toys and loops. So one
Speaker 1: of the I think one of the greatest gifts, especially
Speaker 1: as we age for women and for men, one of
Speaker 1: the greatest gifts is lubricants. Yes, and which are the
Speaker 1: best because for me, in my experience, it has been
Speaker 1: a real struggle, seriously, because I'm about gotting on too
Speaker 1: much and if we're just slipping and sliding all over
Speaker 1: the place or it's not enough, you know, So it
Speaker 1: certainly does. It does depend on what it is that
Speaker 1: you're doing and what it is that you're needing at
Speaker 1: the time. So one of the best brand, the brand
Speaker 1: that I really love and I always will recommend to people,
Speaker 1: is called Liquid s l I q u I D
Speaker 1: And they make natural and organic loops and that is
Speaker 1: why I like them because all of their things, they're
Speaker 1: usually glittering free, pair have been free and just very
Speaker 1: very easy on the skin, the least amount of skin irritations.
Speaker 1: And they come in a lot of different variations. I
Speaker 1: have one here this is Liquid oceanics Um. This particular
Speaker 1: one is botanical infused and so it has like karagean
Speaker 1: nori and wacami. But lubricant is just so it's one
Speaker 1: of those things where people just want to be a
Speaker 1: hero and don't want to use it, and you know
Speaker 1: you need to if your body isn't doing what it
Speaker 1: normally would do, especially as we're aging, have the loop
Speaker 1: by the bed. There is no tre in that. Younger people,
Speaker 1: you know, your bodies don't always work your vagina and
Speaker 1: always doing what you wanted to do at the time.
Speaker 1: That you wanted to do it. So in terms of
Speaker 1: the types of loop though, there are basically three main types.
Speaker 1: There's water based, there's silicone base, and then there's a hybrid,
Speaker 1: meaning there's a mixture of the two. Water based loops
Speaker 1: are really great, obviously, their water based silicone loops tend
Speaker 1: to be a lot thicker or a little bit thicker
Speaker 1: because they're not water based. The great thing about silicone
Speaker 1: based loops is they have more staying power. So we're
Speaker 1: looking for something, let's say, for anal sex, I would
Speaker 1: not recommend a water based loop because it's going to
Speaker 1: dry out quicker. And we know that the anus does
Speaker 1: not self lubricate like the vagina dust. So you want
Speaker 1: something that's actually gonna stay there and be there for
Speaker 1: a minute. But because of that thickness, a lot of
Speaker 1: people don't like it for vaginal sex sometimes. But what
Speaker 1: with water based loops, so even though they're great, they
Speaker 1: will dry out quicker, so you might find if you
Speaker 1: need to reapply it. So it is about and so
Speaker 1: hybrids are really good because it's kind of the gift
Speaker 1: of both either a little bit thicker, but they're not
Speaker 1: as watery. Now let me tell you what I used to.
Speaker 1: I have like these little vaginal and suppositories that once
Speaker 1: again my good good friends shared with me that they
Speaker 1: were great, and it's nothing but cocoa butter, it's an
Speaker 1: estriol in it, vitamin E and bees wax. We had
Speaker 1: these little, tiny little suppositories that I that I use
Speaker 1: and and and they work really really well. Now I
Speaker 1: still feel like I tend to need a little lubricant
Speaker 1: for actual intercourse. There are some women and you probably
Speaker 1: will have some listeners that can attest to this. We're
Speaker 1: just walking around during the day at the grocery store.
Speaker 1: They're having like this feeling of chafing or just vaginal
Speaker 1: dryness just from walking around. And so those suppositories are
Speaker 1: really great. And you were talking about you were talking
Speaker 1: about anal sex, which which I would like to just
Speaker 1: touch on a little bit because in another conversation woman
Speaker 1: was saying that vaginal penetration as she got older was
Speaker 1: so painful for her that she just could not tolerate it.
Speaker 1: She chose anal sex interesting, and I thought that was, like,
Speaker 1: that's insane. I had a very brief attempt at that
Speaker 1: as a young woman, and I was like, absolutely stop
Speaker 1: that right now. Don't stop stop, so anal sex doesn't
Speaker 1: have to be bad. One of the things that helps
Speaker 1: immensely is lube, So that is that's step number one,
Speaker 1: and then the right type of lube is step number two.
Speaker 1: The other thing that really helps is the person that
Speaker 1: is receiving has to be in control, and that's where
Speaker 1: people make the mistakes. The person that is penetrating usually
Speaker 1: tries to be in control, but because the anus does
Speaker 1: not lubricate, and because it has so many nerve endings there,
Speaker 1: it is prone to tearing. And the thin the skin
Speaker 1: is so thin in the anus, it is very very
Speaker 1: much prone to tearing. So the person that's penetrating would
Speaker 1: never have an idea about it being painful. The person
Speaker 1: on the receiving end would. So that's the person that
Speaker 1: kind of needs to start with movements and making sure
Speaker 1: that it goes at a pace that they needed. And
Speaker 1: a lot of people once they switch who's in control
Speaker 1: and have the right loop and pacing is worked out,
Speaker 1: they have a better experience. But it's not something I
Speaker 1: usually tell people to start with the smallest thing that
Speaker 1: they had, Like start with a finger before you go
Speaker 1: with a penis and that and that's a good thing,
Speaker 1: because she never did clarify. Yeah, any simulation is it's
Speaker 1: one of those things like I have I have a
Speaker 1: toy here somewhere, um, and I put it out because
Speaker 1: I didn't know he was gonna talk about anal sex game.
Speaker 1: Well I know that. And my husband tells me that, like, listen,
Speaker 1: there are women out here that enjoy that. Because I'm
Speaker 1: always like what and he's like, litten, relax on that
Speaker 1: because there are people that actually enjoy that. Yeah, And
Speaker 1: it's and there are people that don't enjoy some things
Speaker 1: that you enjoy. So just when you think about it
Speaker 1: that way, we all have our own kink, all of
Speaker 1: our things that we like. But anals what I'm gonna
Speaker 1: show you is just is an example of a toy.
Speaker 1: This is a bit alarming for some people. But this
Speaker 1: is an anal plug and they come in different types
Speaker 1: of materials and um iterations. This is stainless steel gammy
Speaker 1: good good um, and it is quite heavy. It has
Speaker 1: some weight to it. And this could be for a
Speaker 1: man or a woman. Right, use a lot of loop
Speaker 1: and they come in smaller sizes and things like that.
Speaker 1: With this, if it's this for a man, it is
Speaker 1: really good for prostate stimulation. Guys tend to like this
Speaker 1: or that. And for women, sometimes a lot of women
Speaker 1: will use these butt plugs or anal bees or things
Speaker 1: like that and leave them in. They use use them
Speaker 1: for stimulation of the anus right whether they're having sex
Speaker 1: or not. But I've known plenty of women to leave
Speaker 1: these types of things in while they're having sex. And
Speaker 1: the type of orgasm or the fullness that they feel.
Speaker 1: It looks like a metal almost like a metal dildo,
Speaker 1: but it's as colder than that. Well, it's short, and
Speaker 1: and you got to make sure you have the ring
Speaker 1: on the end of it too, because you don't want
Speaker 1: anything getting stuck up in there. You need to be
Speaker 1: able to just pull it right on out. But it
Speaker 1: looks like it does not look comfortable to me, But
Speaker 1: it does have kind of a curve in it kind of,
Speaker 1: so I guess that's where the proces. Yeah, it's gonna
Speaker 1: go right on in and then it'll hit the prostate
Speaker 1: in a way that is super stimulating to guys. And then,
Speaker 1: like I said, for women that use these, they just
Speaker 1: have the words that they use are like fullness, like
Speaker 1: if they're have this inserted and and it's while they're
Speaker 1: having sex. There is a different type of stimulation orgasm
Speaker 1: or vaginal orgasm that they get. That's interesting. I'm gonna
Speaker 1: stay right over there though. That's fine, that's that is
Speaker 1: absolutely fine. So can we talk? Can we talk about
Speaker 1: your G spot? Gammy? What you want to talk about
Speaker 1: my spot? What about it? Have you found it? You
Speaker 1: know what she used? Okay, I just found her recently.
Speaker 1: What's going on? What's her name? For women that don't know,
Speaker 1: I think I always love to talk about that just
Speaker 1: because a lot of people feel like, okay, a cltal orgasm, Yeah,
Speaker 1: I know what that is. I have those all the time,
Speaker 1: vaginal orgasms, Okay, but the G spot orgasm seems to
Speaker 1: be pretty elusive for a lot of people. They either
Speaker 1: feel like they don't have a G spot if they
Speaker 1: never had the orgasm, or if they've had it, they've
Speaker 1: had it once or twice, or and what usually happens
Speaker 1: is they don't allow themselves to have it. So the
Speaker 1: G spot, I'm the stand up just for a minute,
Speaker 1: although I know, like this is a podcast and folks
Speaker 1: can't always see. Okay, yes, and you'll tell people, so
Speaker 1: if you're standing up in front of me if I
Speaker 1: were to insert my fingers this way, right, it is
Speaker 1: about two to three inches up here, right within the
Speaker 1: vaginal wall, pelvis, all of that right, so about two
Speaker 1: three and it's gonna feel kind of like a being
Speaker 1: or pe a line of being. It's just yeah, it's
Speaker 1: just a yeah kind of. So, with prolonged stimulation of
Speaker 1: the G spot, you will have a different type of
Speaker 1: orgasm than like your cltal orgasm or your vaginal orgasm.
Speaker 1: And a lot of women will report swirting, which is
Speaker 1: a gush of fluid when they have an orgasm. A
Speaker 1: lot of times it's gonna feel like you're pe or
Speaker 1: that you have to pee. So when you're in bed,
Speaker 1: or when you're wherever you are with your partner and
Speaker 1: they're stimulating you with your hands, or even if it's
Speaker 1: with a toy and you start to have that feeling
Speaker 1: of oh my gosh, I have to pee, I gotta
Speaker 1: stop a lot of times it's not that you have
Speaker 1: to pee, it's just that the G spot sits next
Speaker 1: to the scheme's gland. So the G spot, with prolonged stimulation,
Speaker 1: it becomes a lot more pronounced or more engorged with blood. Right,
Speaker 1: So that makes it thicker. And when that happens is
Speaker 1: that it starts to press up against the bladder, that engorgement,
Speaker 1: that little lump that you're starting to feel it's gonna
Speaker 1: press up against the bladder, and for some people that
Speaker 1: causes what feels like contractions of the bladder or spasm
Speaker 1: ng of those bladder muscles. And it's usually not that
Speaker 1: you have to pee, but that sensation is what's making
Speaker 1: you feel as though you do. And if you're one
Speaker 1: of those lucky or blessed individuals who has experienced a
Speaker 1: g spot orgasm, you know, if you're having that prolonged stimulation,
Speaker 1: while it may seem like or feel like you're gonna pee,
Speaker 1: that fluid is actual coming from the skins glan which
Speaker 1: sits right next to urethra on either side, and that
Speaker 1: is thought to be kind of a female prostate, and
Speaker 1: it is an ejaculate. It is not urine, but it
Speaker 1: is a hell of a good time and it's a
Speaker 1: great orgasm. And I like to say that it's a
Speaker 1: neat party trick for people that actually can do it.
Speaker 1: But more often than not, if you're feeling like you
Speaker 1: have to urinate or p um and you know that
Speaker 1: your bladder is empty. Just ride that feeling on out
Speaker 1: and you will probably have one of the best orgasms
Speaker 1: of your life. And to ensure that you don't pe,
Speaker 1: just pee before you start, P, before you start love making, P,
Speaker 1: before you start your inter chorus, P, before you start like,
Speaker 1: just pee first, and then you don't have to worry
Speaker 1: about that. You'll already know in your mind, Okay, this
Speaker 1: is not I don't have to pee because I just pee. Yeah, Well,
Speaker 1: that that was very interesting when I found that spot.
Speaker 1: I bet it was found that spot myself. When you
Speaker 1: have those vibrators and I think you mentioned some of
Speaker 1: these that kind of have a curb at the top
Speaker 1: or the rabbit or hook or whatever, a lot of
Speaker 1: times it's so that it gets to that G spot.
Speaker 1: So sometimes when they have those tips on them that
Speaker 1: look a little funny or they curb over, that's for
Speaker 1: G spot pleasure. That's what those Okay, so I'm gonna
Speaker 1: scare you again, Gammy, I'm so sorry. In advance. This
Speaker 1: is another toy. It's by it's by the same company.
Speaker 1: It's called enjoy in j O y Um, and it's
Speaker 1: this what in the entirety are you supposed to do
Speaker 1: with that a huge thing. It's not that big, it's
Speaker 1: it is one, but the whole thing isn't going in there. Gammy,
Speaker 1: my goodness. So here's the thing. This is called a
Speaker 1: pure wand it looks like a great big smiley face.
Speaker 1: That's the shape of it. Smile pay, but it really
Speaker 1: doesn't smiles. And it hooks rightly as you right to
Speaker 1: the g spot. The thing about the loop, so you
Speaker 1: could use a water base or a silicone use loop
Speaker 1: with something like this UM, but most of the toys
Speaker 1: that you have UM on the market today are gonna
Speaker 1: be some form of silicone and never want to use
Speaker 1: This is super important. You never want to use a
Speaker 1: silicone loop with a silicone TOYO. It sounds kind of
Speaker 1: it sounds like you would want to do that, but
Speaker 1: what happens with silicone loops is they start to break
Speaker 1: down the integra the toy, so you end up getting
Speaker 1: more bacteria and things like that in it, and then
Speaker 1: the toy you end up having a throw the tory
Speaker 1: way sooner than you would now that is that is
Speaker 1: one thing too about the metal UM toys that you've
Speaker 1: been showing. It does look like they're easier to clean
Speaker 1: and make. It's got a whole lot of crevices. And yeah,
Speaker 1: with any of those, make sure that there I was say,
Speaker 1: medical grade silicone is what I look for, and it'll
Speaker 1: say it on the package. Sometimes you do have to
Speaker 1: spend a little bit more, but I think it's so
Speaker 1: much better and those products are safer. You want to
Speaker 1: um try and make sure that they don't have things
Speaker 1: like parabins or thalids, which is a toxic gas kind
Speaker 1: of chemical that they put to preserve toys and things.
Speaker 1: You don't want those in those products because you're putting
Speaker 1: those toxics then into your body. So get medical grade products.
Speaker 1: So stainless steel is great, medical grade silicone glass is
Speaker 1: really good. Now we gotta get these men involved. So
Speaker 1: the next two that I'm gonna show you are for
Speaker 1: men or or a couple of toys. I say a
Speaker 1: couple of toys therefore men, but it really is going
Speaker 1: to benefit you. So one of the things that guys
Speaker 1: tend to be intimidated by, obviously are those big deal thos,
Speaker 1: the big penises with the rabbit on the end and
Speaker 1: the pearls that spin around and all that, because their
Speaker 1: penises will never do at and so a lot of
Speaker 1: times they feel like, well, if you're gonna if you're
Speaker 1: doing that, like what can I do? That's a lot
Speaker 1: of times why they don't like toys. So what we
Speaker 1: want to do is kind of empower guys. They don't
Speaker 1: have to be scared of it, and I think we
Speaker 1: can include them in the process. So this is one
Speaker 1: thing that I recommend to include them in the process.
Speaker 1: Is a penis ring. This is what a different type
Speaker 1: of penis ring. Again, this is a rechargeable toy medical
Speaker 1: gray silicone. This expands so it goes over the penis
Speaker 1: and at the base of the penis, so closest to
Speaker 1: the body, right, And so what happens is as he
Speaker 1: becomes erect, it causes the blood flow to stay at
Speaker 1: the penis. So if I have a guy who has
Speaker 1: problems with maintaining an erection, a penis ring is really
Speaker 1: really good because it's gonna trap blood flow towards the
Speaker 1: end of it. So when you're supposed to put that
Speaker 1: on in the beginning before he gets it wrecked, yes, okay,
Speaker 1: or at the beginning the process process. Right beginning of
Speaker 1: the process is a little bit easier, but even after
Speaker 1: he's erect, it's gonna stretch, So yeah, you can put
Speaker 1: it on after he's erect, and then it traps blood flow. There.
Speaker 1: The great thing about this one is that it vibrates,
Speaker 1: so he then feels like he's got a penis as
Speaker 1: a power tool. As he's penetrating you, you're feeling that
Speaker 1: vibration too, so you're getting cleteral stimulation. See, Okay, because
Speaker 1: I was one of those that I didn't know how
Speaker 1: to use. Yeah, and I think a lot of people
Speaker 1: wait until they're erect to put him on, which I
Speaker 1: think is fine. Just put it on base of the penis,
Speaker 1: turn it on. It vibrates. He feels amazing because he
Speaker 1: feels like he's doing something he you've never done before.
Speaker 1: It is pilotic. And then for you, he starts to
Speaker 1: his penis does kind of vibrate a little bit. But
Speaker 1: as he's as he's going in and out penetrating, you're
Speaker 1: feeling that on your clitterance, which is so love it.
Speaker 1: You will love you will love those people love it.
Speaker 1: So definitely try it. Okay, I definitely try this. And
Speaker 1: I have one yes, have to go shopping and the
Speaker 1: next you got homework today, work now the next one
Speaker 1: is another one that you're gonna be like, what in
Speaker 1: the world is that? So this last one is one
Speaker 1: that does confuse people when they see it, but they
Speaker 1: get it. Have you seen something that looks like this?
Speaker 1: I have and what I don't know that does? Okay,
Speaker 1: I'm explaining this to you too. Do you have one
Speaker 1: of these? No? I don't. You're gonna get one. So
Speaker 1: this is a we vibe W E B I B E.
Speaker 1: And they have a lot of different versions of this.
Speaker 1: They're probably up to like five or six now. But
Speaker 1: what this is is a couple's toy. You can use
Speaker 1: this individually for you, or it can be for you
Speaker 1: and him. I love it as a couple's toy. This
Speaker 1: is a toy that I give to people when they
Speaker 1: get married, like this is my wedding gift. This bottom
Speaker 1: part is inserted in you. And this is a rechargeable
Speaker 1: toy too. There's little bitty bitty hole. I don't even
Speaker 1: think you can. You can barely see it as right here,
Speaker 1: and it's waterproof. So let's say this is the vagina,
Speaker 1: right it goes the bottom part goes in just like this, right, Okay,
Speaker 1: So it's inside the vagina clatorus is here, so this
Speaker 1: part is vibrating, so you're getting cliteral stimulation. Right, he
Speaker 1: enters you here, so he's feeling the vibration on his
Speaker 1: penis and and as he enters is pushing up against
Speaker 1: your G spot, so you're getting c literal ANGI spot
Speaker 1: simulation and his penis is getting stimulated. This has to
Speaker 1: have this, you have to. This is great wow. And
Speaker 1: it's medical gray silicone again, so this is something that's
Speaker 1: super easy to clean. And you'll use a water based
Speaker 1: lupercant with this. The cockering and the we vibe. I'm
Speaker 1: definitely feeling the weed vibe alright. So onto debunking some
Speaker 1: of these whole myths that are out here, because there
Speaker 1: are plenty. So Number one, after menopause, women experience a
Speaker 1: permanent decrease in libido true or false false false false.
Speaker 1: Some people do experience increases or decreases. I think that
Speaker 1: sexual desire, hands down is the number one thing that
Speaker 1: brings people into my office when they have a low
Speaker 1: sexual desire. But the truth is that of women at
Speaker 1: some point in their life will have low sex desire
Speaker 1: exactly almost all. And I actually think that the number
Speaker 1: is higher. I think all of us will experience it
Speaker 1: at some point. It ebbs and flows, It fluctuates depending
Speaker 1: on where you are in the relationship, where you are
Speaker 1: in life cycle, where you just are in life. So
Speaker 1: exactly exactly, because I know, like in my fifties, I
Speaker 1: really I was going through a lot of medical issues
Speaker 1: at that time too, and so I had a huge
Speaker 1: drop in my libido. But now, you know, now I'm
Speaker 1: in my sixties, and it seems like my libido has
Speaker 1: really come back full force. And I think a lot
Speaker 1: of that has to do with my relationship as well,
Speaker 1: probably doing your relationship with yourself, like yeah, and having
Speaker 1: been through all of that. So I always tell my
Speaker 1: friends who are struggling, like, keep hope alive, they don't
Speaker 1: come back, don't worry. Yeah, you know, they always say,
Speaker 1: you know, And I think it's important to remind and
Speaker 1: I've been reminding myself of this all year. Is this
Speaker 1: to shell pass. So even if it's a good time
Speaker 1: that you're having in great sex, this too, sial pirls
Speaker 1: might but if it's bad, this social pass. Right, Okay,
Speaker 1: myth number two orgasms disappear after menopause. We ain't doing that.
Speaker 1: We ain't living that life. That's what you can definitely
Speaker 1: definitely attest to that that now. They may be a
Speaker 1: little bit more challenging to get at times, and you
Speaker 1: may find different types of orgasms as you age, just
Speaker 1: like you you just found your juice spot on. But
Speaker 1: there are people who have anal orgasms and find a
Speaker 1: different type of orgasm. Yeah. So I think our orgasmic
Speaker 1: capacity changes over time. Whereas you know, some women say,
Speaker 1: you know a cltal orgasm, I always get it, and
Speaker 1: then there becomes a time when like it's not as
Speaker 1: easy to get, or a vaginal orgasm has been evasive
Speaker 1: all these years, but finally you're able to have them.
Speaker 1: So it's gonna fluctuate the type of orgasm you have.
Speaker 1: Is things will work sometimes and not. That's why position
Speaker 1: Different positions are great and toys are awesome. Okay, one
Speaker 1: thing you do you just talked about is positioning. What
Speaker 1: is the best way to try to introduce different positions?
Speaker 1: There are you can get these on Amazon or sex
Speaker 1: toy shops and even some just regular Barns and Noble
Speaker 1: prestanding bookstores will have books of sex positions. And I
Speaker 1: think those are great because a lot of times we
Speaker 1: get stuck in our head about the positions that we've
Speaker 1: always done or that our partner has always done, and
Speaker 1: we can't really think outside of the box. Sometimes it
Speaker 1: takes a visual of seeing a different position to say
Speaker 1: I don't know, nobody can do that, or you know,
Speaker 1: And so I think trying different positions is great, and
Speaker 1: especially especially as we age, certain positions may cause pain.
Speaker 1: So lying on your back might not be the thing
Speaker 1: for you for a long period of time if you
Speaker 1: have let's say, sciatic nerve problems or different types of issues,
Speaker 1: or maybe leg pain will cause you not to be
Speaker 1: able to do a certain position. So definitely, as we age,
Speaker 1: we have to think about different positions. Another kind of
Speaker 1: pseudo toy is a wedge. A lot of there are
Speaker 1: a lot of Liberator makes one. I think Candy makes
Speaker 1: one now one, and I you know, I actually just
Speaker 1: saw that recently and I was like, wow, I think
Speaker 1: I might want to try that. It's a good idea,
Speaker 1: especially because it takes pressure off certain areas of the body.
Speaker 1: It allows you to position yourself. So before buying it,
Speaker 1: if you're trying to decide if this would be helpful
Speaker 1: or not, use talking of pillows to see how it.
Speaker 1: If you have kind of an adjustable mattress, use that
Speaker 1: to your advantage as well, just to see if a
Speaker 1: different positioning of your head or your kIPS or your
Speaker 1: legs would help. But those position books really do help,
Speaker 1: because I think sometimes we get kind of stuck in
Speaker 1: our ways and don't think about things. But if you
Speaker 1: take it, take positioning and use that as kind of
Speaker 1: your sex toy, A lot of people find greater comforts also,
Speaker 1: like straps and I know, swings and all those kinds
Speaker 1: of stuff. Those aren't a necessarily the things that people
Speaker 1: envision themselves having in their bedroom, but they certainly do help,
Speaker 1: especially when we talk about like disability or not being
Speaker 1: able to have like missionary style sex, or I need
Speaker 1: to be sitting up because of how you know, my
Speaker 1: back or my leg pain or whatever. You can still
Speaker 1: have sex and have some ailments and things going on.
Speaker 1: You just have to have the right supports in place
Speaker 1: to be able to do it right. And what would
Speaker 1: you say is the best way to introduce that kind
Speaker 1: of discussion? Though I still find it just a tap
Speaker 1: it awkward. So one thing one thing that I would
Speaker 1: suggest is to have people listen to this podcast. Just say,
Speaker 1: you know what, will you listen to this podcast with
Speaker 1: me and then we can talk about it afterwards. What
Speaker 1: did you learn? Let me tell you what I took away. Yeah,
Speaker 1: so so that kind of thing. I think. Also one
Speaker 1: thing that I do have people do, especially when they're
Speaker 1: in my office, and granted they're in my office because
Speaker 1: they have some sort of issue. I love a good
Speaker 1: always sometimes the never lists for people. So always are
Speaker 1: the things and couples will work on there is independently
Speaker 1: and then's share it with people. But when it comes
Speaker 1: to sex, like these are the things that I will
Speaker 1: always do. I'm always down for oral sex. I'm always gonna,
Speaker 1: you know, kiss the back of your neck like you
Speaker 1: like it or whatever it is. Sometimes we can do
Speaker 1: an't know, but just don't be expecting it every time,
Speaker 1: because I got to get my mind around that there's
Speaker 1: always there these always, sometimes and never things and then
Speaker 1: get a person, get each of you in the in
Speaker 1: a relationship to write your own lists and then swap
Speaker 1: them out sharing with each other. That's one way. Oh
Speaker 1: that's a good way. I like that I like And
Speaker 1: then once we get that book of positions, right, I
Speaker 1: would if it's a paper book, and I know we
Speaker 1: don't necessarily want to destroy books, but one thing that
Speaker 1: you could do is tear out each page, ball it
Speaker 1: up or fold it up, put it in a big
Speaker 1: basket or jar, and each night and then it's a surprise.
Speaker 1: Oh that's cool. That's a great idea like that, Okay, cool,
Speaker 1: This has been a blast. Thank you so much for
Speaker 1: sharing your your expred avice. You guys can find all
Speaker 1: of Dr Tiffany's information on our website, Dr Tiffany dot
Speaker 1: com and we will definitely need to have a part
Speaker 1: two so I can scare yes, because you've got homework girl,
Speaker 1: and I need to know everything that had absolutely, thank
Speaker 1: you so much. I appreciate you. Here are a few
Speaker 1: takeaways from my conversation with Dr Tiffany. Number one, the
Speaker 1: person with the problem is not always the one causing it.
Speaker 1: M Number two, Aging is a process. We all will
Speaker 1: go through it if we're blessed, so give yourself great.
Speaker 1: Number three the always sometimes never list great idea to
Speaker 1: start a conversation about trying new things. Number four, no
Speaker 1: silicon own on silicone, got it? No silicone on silicone.
Speaker 1: Remember that that's important. Number five, remember to p first
Speaker 1: before sex. And on that note, I'm headed out to
Speaker 1: get my weed by Thank you guys for listening, and
Speaker 1: thank you again to my guest, Dr Tiffany Davis Henry.
Speaker 1: If you're listening on Apple Podcasts, be sure to rate
Speaker 1: and review the episode. Follow me on Instagram at Adrian
Speaker 1: Banfield Nurris to share with me your thoughts on the episode.
Speaker 1: I'm here, I'm talking, and I'm listening, and there's always
Speaker 1: stay grateful. Positively GAM is produced by Westbrook Audio. Executive
Speaker 1: producers Adrian Banfield Narris, Jada Pinkett Smith, Amanda Brown, and
Speaker 1: Fallon jethro Co Executive producer sim Hoti, segment producer Ash Francis,
Speaker 1: Associate producers Erica Ron and Kobe Hartberg, editor and mixer
Speaker 1: Calvin Bailiff. Positively GAM is in partnership with Art nineteen
Speaker 1: h