1 00:00:00,160 --> 00:00:02,040 Speaker 1: Why do you think I'm still single? 2 00:00:03,880 --> 00:00:10,240 Speaker 2: You can be honest, looking below and all the wrong places. 3 00:00:10,840 --> 00:00:14,880 Speaker 1: Oh, what's that one? Give me that one urban cowboy? 4 00:00:14,920 --> 00:00:16,120 Speaker 3: You gotta look that one up. 5 00:00:17,520 --> 00:00:22,600 Speaker 1: In too many faces, searching for something, looking for traces? Mom, 6 00:00:22,720 --> 00:00:23,600 Speaker 1: what you're dreaming of? 7 00:00:23,960 --> 00:00:31,640 Speaker 3: You're kind of fucking nuts. 8 00:00:32,200 --> 00:00:35,519 Speaker 1: That's so funny. Someone had to say it. Someone had 9 00:00:35,560 --> 00:00:36,120 Speaker 1: to say it. 10 00:00:36,440 --> 00:00:39,280 Speaker 4: Ever since you were like a freshman in college, you've 11 00:00:39,320 --> 00:00:42,080 Speaker 4: just never wanted a boyfriend. I feel like you've always 12 00:00:42,280 --> 00:00:43,839 Speaker 4: resisted that to help. 13 00:00:44,040 --> 00:00:47,720 Speaker 1: Dad, Why do you think I'm still single? Because you've 14 00:00:47,720 --> 00:00:52,640 Speaker 1: not found anybody as great as me yet. I don't 15 00:00:52,680 --> 00:00:54,960 Speaker 1: think you're in a mindset to settle down right. 16 00:00:55,400 --> 00:00:57,319 Speaker 3: You are always kind of obsessed with. 17 00:00:57,280 --> 00:01:02,400 Speaker 2: The guy you never. 18 00:01:03,040 --> 00:01:05,399 Speaker 1: How dare you speak truth like that? 19 00:01:06,000 --> 00:01:08,039 Speaker 2: What are the qualities you have that you think I 20 00:01:08,040 --> 00:01:10,759 Speaker 2: should be looking for in the ones I've tried? 21 00:01:12,240 --> 00:01:15,039 Speaker 3: Well, thank god, I don't know all the ones you've tried. 22 00:01:15,240 --> 00:01:24,840 Speaker 2: I mean, well, my family definitely has their opinions. But 23 00:01:24,920 --> 00:01:28,319 Speaker 2: I keep thinking there's some deeper reason that, despite my 24 00:01:28,440 --> 00:01:32,440 Speaker 2: years of dating and situationships, I've never really found someone. 25 00:01:33,400 --> 00:01:36,960 Speaker 2: Maybe it's because I need to first confront what singleness 26 00:01:37,240 --> 00:01:42,200 Speaker 2: even is. So that's what we're talking about today. I'm 27 00:01:42,240 --> 00:01:46,080 Speaker 2: hopewordered and welcome to Boysover, a space where we're learning 28 00:01:46,200 --> 00:01:50,280 Speaker 2: and unlearning all the myths we're taught about love and relationships. 29 00:02:01,920 --> 00:02:05,800 Speaker 2: Healing isn't linear. It's never the straight line we hope 30 00:02:05,920 --> 00:02:09,040 Speaker 2: or expect it to be. In the last episode, I 31 00:02:09,160 --> 00:02:11,679 Speaker 2: mentioned that I moved back to Tennessee for a few 32 00:02:11,720 --> 00:02:14,880 Speaker 2: months to focus on my mental health and to try 33 00:02:14,960 --> 00:02:17,760 Speaker 2: and find myself again. But when I came back to 34 00:02:17,840 --> 00:02:22,320 Speaker 2: New York in the fall, I was scared. I didn't 35 00:02:22,320 --> 00:02:25,400 Speaker 2: want to feel the weight of loneliness again, and I 36 00:02:25,440 --> 00:02:29,760 Speaker 2: didn't want any semblance of that same depression creeping its 37 00:02:29,800 --> 00:02:32,680 Speaker 2: way back in the only reason why I was going 38 00:02:32,720 --> 00:02:35,400 Speaker 2: back to New York at all was to host The 39 00:02:35,440 --> 00:02:39,160 Speaker 2: Boys Over Show, a live storytelling event where comedians on 40 00:02:39,240 --> 00:02:43,480 Speaker 2: stage share their experiences about love and sex and dating. 41 00:02:44,160 --> 00:02:50,160 Speaker 2: And that is where I met someone, a comedian, an artist. 42 00:02:50,480 --> 00:02:53,239 Speaker 2: People have said he looks like Danny DeVito to give 43 00:02:53,240 --> 00:02:57,720 Speaker 2: you an idea, someone I thought was smart and witty, 44 00:02:58,480 --> 00:03:01,240 Speaker 2: And a few weeks after that show, he asked me 45 00:03:02,360 --> 00:03:05,600 Speaker 2: on a date. He didn't quite define it to be 46 00:03:05,680 --> 00:03:08,600 Speaker 2: a date, but it was a sunset meeting in a park, 47 00:03:09,120 --> 00:03:12,720 Speaker 2: so I thought could be a date, could be just friends. 48 00:03:13,639 --> 00:03:15,840 Speaker 2: We ended up going home together, so I guess it 49 00:03:15,919 --> 00:03:18,720 Speaker 2: was a date, And from there it kind of turned 50 00:03:18,760 --> 00:03:24,959 Speaker 2: into a full blown situationship, which was something I swore 51 00:03:25,000 --> 00:03:29,520 Speaker 2: I would never do again. Looking back now, I never 52 00:03:29,600 --> 00:03:32,799 Speaker 2: should have dated this man. All of my friends were 53 00:03:32,840 --> 00:03:37,400 Speaker 2: begging me not to. He was controversial in my circles, 54 00:03:37,560 --> 00:03:39,600 Speaker 2: and I never really. 55 00:03:39,920 --> 00:03:41,920 Speaker 1: Felt fully right about it. 56 00:03:42,640 --> 00:03:45,760 Speaker 2: Bless I knew I still needed to do the thing, 57 00:03:45,920 --> 00:03:50,680 Speaker 2: to be alone, to find myself by myself. This guy 58 00:03:50,800 --> 00:03:54,800 Speaker 2: was a placeholder for that, a buffer between me and loneliness, 59 00:03:55,000 --> 00:03:59,000 Speaker 2: and eventually I realized I was a placeholder for him too. 60 00:03:59,760 --> 00:04:02,560 Speaker 2: Why were we doing this to each other? Why couldn't 61 00:04:02,600 --> 00:04:03,360 Speaker 2: we both just. 62 00:04:03,440 --> 00:04:06,000 Speaker 1: Be alone when we knew that would be best for 63 00:04:06,120 --> 00:04:07,440 Speaker 1: both of us. 64 00:04:10,360 --> 00:04:13,480 Speaker 2: Last week you heard all about my why of going 65 00:04:13,520 --> 00:04:18,880 Speaker 2: Boyober to heal my relationship to relationships, to find myself 66 00:04:18,920 --> 00:04:25,000 Speaker 2: outside of male validation and romance, to rewrite generational scripts 67 00:04:25,000 --> 00:04:28,880 Speaker 2: that had been passed down again and again. This week 68 00:04:29,040 --> 00:04:32,360 Speaker 2: you're going to hear all about the how of going Boyober. 69 00:04:33,440 --> 00:04:36,760 Speaker 2: Since I'm on this new Boicob two point zero journey, 70 00:04:36,920 --> 00:04:39,400 Speaker 2: I figured I needed to talk to someone who really 71 00:04:39,720 --> 00:04:43,960 Speaker 2: knew how to be single, an expert. So we're talking 72 00:04:43,960 --> 00:04:48,039 Speaker 2: to Megan Kin, the creator of NPR's life Kit and 73 00:04:48,120 --> 00:04:50,839 Speaker 2: the author of the book Party of One, a deep 74 00:04:50,920 --> 00:04:54,440 Speaker 2: dive into the art of being your own best life partner. 75 00:04:55,200 --> 00:04:57,479 Speaker 2: And that's something I'm trying to figure out right now. 76 00:04:58,880 --> 00:05:01,360 Speaker 2: Meghan's book has really ha helped me start to unlearn 77 00:05:01,480 --> 00:05:06,160 Speaker 2: the myths we're taught about marriage and partnership and erased 78 00:05:06,240 --> 00:05:09,800 Speaker 2: the stigma of being alone. It truly feels in the 79 00:05:09,880 --> 00:05:12,839 Speaker 2: spirit of boy sober so picking her brain about the 80 00:05:12,920 --> 00:05:15,880 Speaker 2: ideas in the book seems like a perfect place to 81 00:05:15,960 --> 00:05:16,880 Speaker 2: start this journey. 82 00:05:19,760 --> 00:05:23,400 Speaker 3: Megan, Hi, oh, thanks for having me Hi. 83 00:05:23,480 --> 00:05:25,600 Speaker 1: Thanks so much for being here. I'm so excited to 84 00:05:25,600 --> 00:05:25,960 Speaker 1: do this. 85 00:05:26,800 --> 00:05:30,560 Speaker 2: I took a big stance against dating because I was 86 00:05:30,600 --> 00:05:35,080 Speaker 2: sort of obsessively just like always wrapped up in something, 87 00:05:35,320 --> 00:05:37,960 Speaker 2: always in a situationship or getting back with an ex 88 00:05:38,040 --> 00:05:40,800 Speaker 2: boyfriend or something like this. And in your book you 89 00:05:40,960 --> 00:05:44,240 Speaker 2: read about obsessive passions, which I resonate with. 90 00:05:46,000 --> 00:05:47,359 Speaker 1: Can you talk about that a little? 91 00:05:47,480 --> 00:05:51,760 Speaker 5: Yeah, Obsessive passion is this idea from this professor Robert 92 00:05:51,839 --> 00:05:55,400 Speaker 5: valorand it's this idea that we can approach something with 93 00:05:55,600 --> 00:05:58,920 Speaker 5: such intense vigor that it almost feels like a compulsion. 94 00:06:00,240 --> 00:06:02,560 Speaker 5: You feel like there's a lot writing on the line 95 00:06:02,600 --> 00:06:05,159 Speaker 5: if you don't participate in that activity or that passion, 96 00:06:05,800 --> 00:06:08,600 Speaker 5: and you do so without really even thinking in a way, 97 00:06:08,760 --> 00:06:11,800 Speaker 5: and I totally identify with that. I was also dating 98 00:06:12,120 --> 00:06:16,000 Speaker 5: in an obsessive passion state where I took my journalist's 99 00:06:16,000 --> 00:06:19,200 Speaker 5: mindset and I was like, call up this next person, 100 00:06:19,360 --> 00:06:23,200 Speaker 5: what's the next wape? Like relentlesstal in a way that 101 00:06:23,240 --> 00:06:25,799 Speaker 5: serves me in my personal life, but it was making 102 00:06:25,839 --> 00:06:28,520 Speaker 5: me really exhausted and burned out in my personal life. 103 00:06:28,800 --> 00:06:32,239 Speaker 5: And the opposite side of obsessive passion is harmonious passion, 104 00:06:32,600 --> 00:06:36,000 Speaker 5: which is this idea of coming to something because you 105 00:06:36,040 --> 00:06:39,200 Speaker 5: want to. Your self worth doesn't depend on it. You 106 00:06:39,240 --> 00:06:40,760 Speaker 5: can kind of dip in and out of it if 107 00:06:40,800 --> 00:06:43,440 Speaker 5: you want, Like there's less writing on it, if you 108 00:06:43,480 --> 00:06:47,160 Speaker 5: want to date, that's great, But approaching it like it's 109 00:06:47,200 --> 00:06:50,080 Speaker 5: a numbers game, like you never know who might be 110 00:06:50,120 --> 00:06:52,320 Speaker 5: at this party, that kind of like go go go 111 00:06:52,760 --> 00:06:54,839 Speaker 5: is of course going to like drain you. 112 00:06:55,080 --> 00:06:55,240 Speaker 6: Right. 113 00:06:55,560 --> 00:06:57,840 Speaker 2: I was talking with a girlfriend of mine who is 114 00:06:57,920 --> 00:07:00,400 Speaker 2: going through a breakup and they were like going to 115 00:07:00,440 --> 00:07:03,359 Speaker 2: see their ex to have a conversation about it or whatever, 116 00:07:03,360 --> 00:07:05,520 Speaker 2: and they were like, maybe we'll get back together. 117 00:07:05,279 --> 00:07:05,960 Speaker 1: Maybe we won't. 118 00:07:06,000 --> 00:07:08,320 Speaker 2: But while they were in the uber on the way 119 00:07:08,400 --> 00:07:09,640 Speaker 2: to see their ex, they were like. 120 00:07:09,600 --> 00:07:12,680 Speaker 1: Downloading hinge, like getting ready to like it again. 121 00:07:13,440 --> 00:07:17,920 Speaker 2: And it does come from this compulsive need to just 122 00:07:18,160 --> 00:07:20,840 Speaker 2: this like deep fear of just like I'm never gonna 123 00:07:20,840 --> 00:07:23,760 Speaker 2: find someone I have to replace, replace, replace. 124 00:07:23,520 --> 00:07:25,240 Speaker 5: That is I feel like a huge thing in dating 125 00:07:25,240 --> 00:07:27,240 Speaker 5: where you're just like, even if you've only got on 126 00:07:27,280 --> 00:07:29,360 Speaker 5: three dates with this person's maybe the person that you 127 00:07:30,560 --> 00:07:33,920 Speaker 5: actually really like for the first person in six months 128 00:07:34,000 --> 00:07:36,520 Speaker 5: or something, and it feels like, Okay, this is the time. 129 00:07:36,880 --> 00:07:39,160 Speaker 5: And then they're just like, see you, actually, this is 130 00:07:39,200 --> 00:07:41,560 Speaker 5: not going to work for me. And then it feels 131 00:07:41,800 --> 00:07:45,080 Speaker 5: like you are crashing even harder than you need to 132 00:07:45,200 --> 00:07:47,360 Speaker 5: when the reality is okay, you can be sad, but 133 00:07:47,400 --> 00:07:50,880 Speaker 5: maybe just be sad instead of layering on shame and. 134 00:07:50,880 --> 00:07:54,880 Speaker 2: Other expectation Shame for losing something, shame for not being 135 00:07:54,920 --> 00:07:57,560 Speaker 2: good enough for somebody, shame for not like holding on 136 00:07:57,640 --> 00:08:00,480 Speaker 2: to somebody totally. And I think that kind of speaks 137 00:08:00,480 --> 00:08:04,760 Speaker 2: to like the external pressures though, that we like listen to. 138 00:08:05,160 --> 00:08:07,280 Speaker 2: You know, I have so many friends who are in 139 00:08:07,280 --> 00:08:10,000 Speaker 2: friend groups where everyone's partnered us, or your mom is 140 00:08:10,040 --> 00:08:12,400 Speaker 2: asking or your dad is asking, or we're thinking about 141 00:08:12,400 --> 00:08:15,840 Speaker 2: our internal clock as ladies, you know. But there are 142 00:08:15,880 --> 00:08:18,800 Speaker 2: all these pressures to like find our person, and there 143 00:08:18,840 --> 00:08:22,200 Speaker 2: are the internal voices too that make us feel that 144 00:08:22,280 --> 00:08:26,640 Speaker 2: being single is proof we're unworthy of love. So I 145 00:08:26,680 --> 00:08:29,560 Speaker 2: want you to pick something apart. Let's start with the 146 00:08:29,560 --> 00:08:33,360 Speaker 2: external voices from your research. What are the ways that 147 00:08:33,440 --> 00:08:36,960 Speaker 2: society values the party of two over the party of one? 148 00:08:37,360 --> 00:08:38,560 Speaker 3: Oh so many ways. 149 00:08:39,880 --> 00:08:42,480 Speaker 5: So I would say that I thought I was above 150 00:08:42,960 --> 00:08:46,120 Speaker 5: all the external voices, like I'm thirty five, I'm a millennial, 151 00:08:46,400 --> 00:08:48,280 Speaker 5: and I was like, I don't want to be a 152 00:08:48,320 --> 00:08:51,040 Speaker 5: Disney princess, Like I know that that's not for me. 153 00:08:51,440 --> 00:08:52,160 Speaker 1: I'm a feminist. 154 00:08:52,240 --> 00:08:53,960 Speaker 3: I'm a feminist totally exactly. 155 00:08:54,080 --> 00:08:58,200 Speaker 5: I know better, but they still creep into how you 156 00:08:58,320 --> 00:09:01,200 Speaker 5: think about yourself. And like you're saying you see friend 157 00:09:01,200 --> 00:09:03,360 Speaker 5: groups and you're like, well, everyone's partnered and I'm here 158 00:09:03,440 --> 00:09:05,720 Speaker 5: and everyone's just saying, well, we're doing this, we're doing that. 159 00:09:05,800 --> 00:09:08,520 Speaker 5: Like there's all these small ways and so there's this 160 00:09:08,600 --> 00:09:11,679 Speaker 5: really interesting phrase that I came across from researcher Bello Apollo. 161 00:09:11,720 --> 00:09:13,000 Speaker 3: It's called singleism. 162 00:09:13,160 --> 00:09:15,760 Speaker 5: It's basically what these external voices are telling you about 163 00:09:15,800 --> 00:09:19,960 Speaker 5: singleness that is demeaning. And so it's basically when singles 164 00:09:20,000 --> 00:09:23,920 Speaker 5: are discriminated against, marginalized because of their single status. And 165 00:09:24,760 --> 00:09:26,680 Speaker 5: what Bella Depolo talks about is like, you see this 166 00:09:26,760 --> 00:09:29,959 Speaker 5: in really big ways, right, like our tax code, our 167 00:09:30,080 --> 00:09:33,960 Speaker 5: healthcare system, truly structural ways. In truly big structural ways, 168 00:09:34,080 --> 00:09:36,880 Speaker 5: as well as like if you are at a job 169 00:09:36,920 --> 00:09:39,000 Speaker 5: and you're asked to stay late because you don't have 170 00:09:39,120 --> 00:09:41,240 Speaker 5: kids or a partner, right versus someone else who has 171 00:09:41,280 --> 00:09:43,520 Speaker 5: to pick some kid up from daycare. But you also 172 00:09:43,559 --> 00:09:46,320 Speaker 5: see it in small ways where a married couple sees 173 00:09:46,400 --> 00:09:49,280 Speaker 5: a single person as a thing to be solved, right, totally, 174 00:09:49,520 --> 00:09:51,120 Speaker 5: like tell me about your day, or they treat your 175 00:09:51,160 --> 00:09:53,480 Speaker 5: dating life like entertainment. Right, They're like, tell me about 176 00:09:53,480 --> 00:09:55,600 Speaker 5: a bad date you went on recently. And it's like, 177 00:09:55,640 --> 00:09:57,720 Speaker 5: if you're in the thick of dating, that's the last 178 00:09:57,720 --> 00:10:00,560 Speaker 5: thing you want to tell a married couple. Y, You're like, 179 00:10:00,800 --> 00:10:05,680 Speaker 5: it's not funny. But and if you're ready to share 180 00:10:05,720 --> 00:10:10,040 Speaker 5: that's great, But that is where it's people see singles 181 00:10:10,080 --> 00:10:14,760 Speaker 5: as lonely and pathetic and sad, and so all those 182 00:10:14,800 --> 00:10:18,800 Speaker 5: kind of external messages about how we all perceive singles 183 00:10:18,840 --> 00:10:21,920 Speaker 5: as a culture work their way into your brain and 184 00:10:21,960 --> 00:10:24,200 Speaker 5: it makes you think that those are your thoughts too. 185 00:10:25,120 --> 00:10:27,160 Speaker 2: I want you to speak a little bit about like 186 00:10:27,559 --> 00:10:30,160 Speaker 2: the feeling of being a feminist and knowing you don't 187 00:10:30,200 --> 00:10:33,160 Speaker 2: need a man but still wanting one. 188 00:10:33,240 --> 00:10:34,320 Speaker 3: Yeah, like very real. 189 00:10:34,400 --> 00:10:36,160 Speaker 1: How do you deal with that contradiction? 190 00:10:36,720 --> 00:10:39,280 Speaker 5: So I wrote the book partly because I felt like 191 00:10:39,320 --> 00:10:42,760 Speaker 5: I was seeing either people who were like, I'm single, 192 00:10:42,800 --> 00:10:45,600 Speaker 5: I will always be single, I'm happiest being single, and 193 00:10:45,600 --> 00:10:46,559 Speaker 5: I'm like, that's amazing. 194 00:10:46,640 --> 00:10:47,960 Speaker 3: I love that they have that figured out. 195 00:10:48,080 --> 00:10:49,680 Speaker 5: And then you have people who are like I really 196 00:10:49,679 --> 00:10:51,560 Speaker 5: want a partner no matter what, like I have to. 197 00:10:51,679 --> 00:10:54,120 Speaker 5: I'm like, that's great. I'm a little bit more in 198 00:10:54,160 --> 00:10:57,240 Speaker 5: the middle right. And it's a cognitive dissonance. I think 199 00:10:57,240 --> 00:10:59,800 Speaker 5: that happens, and that's why it's so stressful, and probably 200 00:11:00,360 --> 00:11:02,160 Speaker 5: I'm assuming what it sounds like what you have gone 201 00:11:02,200 --> 00:11:05,120 Speaker 5: through as well, where it's like, you know, it is 202 00:11:05,200 --> 00:11:09,520 Speaker 5: totally valid and wonderful to be single, but you're also 203 00:11:09,800 --> 00:11:12,520 Speaker 5: human and you want connection, and why wouldn't you want 204 00:11:12,679 --> 00:11:16,079 Speaker 5: something that can be really wonderful when it is wonderful? 205 00:11:16,320 --> 00:11:19,160 Speaker 5: So I would say, like that cognitive dissonance is so 206 00:11:19,280 --> 00:11:21,920 Speaker 5: hard because it's like we're told not to want something 207 00:11:21,960 --> 00:11:25,600 Speaker 5: that is so human, to like have connection and love totally. 208 00:11:26,000 --> 00:11:29,719 Speaker 5: But the part where it gets tricky is that when 209 00:11:29,760 --> 00:11:32,520 Speaker 5: we have the romantic side of that equation, be the 210 00:11:32,559 --> 00:11:34,079 Speaker 5: only type. 211 00:11:33,800 --> 00:11:36,360 Speaker 3: Of love that is kind of worth getting so true. 212 00:11:36,440 --> 00:11:39,320 Speaker 5: And for me, I was like, I have to like 213 00:11:39,360 --> 00:11:42,040 Speaker 5: bridge my head into my heart here because I knew 214 00:11:42,080 --> 00:11:43,760 Speaker 5: it was great to be single, but in my heart, 215 00:11:43,800 --> 00:11:45,240 Speaker 5: I was like I feel horrible. 216 00:11:45,480 --> 00:11:47,080 Speaker 3: Yeah, I can't feel bad. 217 00:11:47,160 --> 00:11:50,960 Speaker 2: Do you think it was the internalizing of those external 218 00:11:51,040 --> 00:11:53,160 Speaker 2: voices and expectations. 219 00:11:53,080 --> 00:11:56,400 Speaker 5: Yeah, and then kind of running a bad story in 220 00:11:56,440 --> 00:11:58,640 Speaker 5: my head? What was the story that I was the 221 00:11:58,640 --> 00:12:01,280 Speaker 5: rebound girl? That was kind of my dating history was 222 00:12:01,320 --> 00:12:04,520 Speaker 5: like I was very very single and then I met 223 00:12:04,520 --> 00:12:08,640 Speaker 5: someone and we had this great short term relationship, but 224 00:12:08,679 --> 00:12:10,760 Speaker 5: it was really big and important to me, and then 225 00:12:10,880 --> 00:12:14,160 Speaker 5: he dumps me and goes to someone else, and then 226 00:12:14,480 --> 00:12:16,400 Speaker 5: you know, roughly a year later, the same kind of 227 00:12:16,400 --> 00:12:19,360 Speaker 5: pattern happened. And so then my brain goes, oh, I'm 228 00:12:19,400 --> 00:12:22,040 Speaker 5: just the girl that picks up the pieces from when 229 00:12:22,080 --> 00:12:25,360 Speaker 5: they go through the real relationship, and I'm the transitional object. 230 00:12:25,679 --> 00:12:28,360 Speaker 5: And then that's a really easy way to feel horrible. 231 00:12:28,440 --> 00:12:29,680 Speaker 1: Yeah, to make yourself feel like shit. 232 00:12:29,800 --> 00:12:30,400 Speaker 4: Yeah exactly. 233 00:12:30,440 --> 00:12:34,000 Speaker 5: So yeah, so then it's I was taking not just 234 00:12:34,160 --> 00:12:36,280 Speaker 5: the external messages, but then I was putting my own 235 00:12:36,280 --> 00:12:37,280 Speaker 5: little spin on it. 236 00:12:37,679 --> 00:12:39,160 Speaker 1: And a beautiful depressing space. 237 00:12:39,320 --> 00:12:39,960 Speaker 3: Yeah exactly. 238 00:12:39,960 --> 00:12:43,240 Speaker 5: And it became this repetitive story I would just kind 239 00:12:43,240 --> 00:12:46,600 Speaker 5: of open up and read and convince myself of instead 240 00:12:46,640 --> 00:12:49,200 Speaker 5: of being like whoahao, Like can I actually try to 241 00:12:49,200 --> 00:12:51,320 Speaker 5: see this for what it is? Like, it's okay to 242 00:12:51,360 --> 00:12:54,360 Speaker 5: be sad, it's okay to feel frustrated, it's okay that 243 00:12:54,840 --> 00:12:59,160 Speaker 5: I feel like blindsided, But it's not my whole life story. 244 00:12:59,280 --> 00:13:00,800 Speaker 3: My self worth is not on the line. 245 00:13:00,840 --> 00:13:05,600 Speaker 5: I also, and those relationships didn't really think about do 246 00:13:05,679 --> 00:13:08,280 Speaker 5: our values actually align? Like we like each other, we 247 00:13:08,360 --> 00:13:11,040 Speaker 5: have good chemistry, Leave said, I love you, but like, 248 00:13:12,160 --> 00:13:12,600 Speaker 5: is this. 249 00:13:12,480 --> 00:13:15,480 Speaker 3: More than a good hang? Like yeah, I was so worried. 250 00:13:15,600 --> 00:13:17,160 Speaker 5: I think the other thing, too, is like those external 251 00:13:17,200 --> 00:13:20,000 Speaker 5: messages make you think don't mess it up, so then 252 00:13:20,080 --> 00:13:22,920 Speaker 5: you don't want to ask these deep questions about is 253 00:13:22,960 --> 00:13:25,080 Speaker 5: this relationship actually the correct one for me. 254 00:13:43,720 --> 00:13:46,080 Speaker 2: I find myself often being with guys I do not 255 00:13:46,320 --> 00:13:50,280 Speaker 2: like justin I don't. I'm just like I'm six months 256 00:13:50,280 --> 00:13:52,199 Speaker 2: in with someone, and because I was so afraid to 257 00:13:52,240 --> 00:13:55,839 Speaker 2: be alone, I've like tricked my brain into thinking I 258 00:13:55,920 --> 00:13:58,600 Speaker 2: like them. I don't know if it's more the external 259 00:13:58,640 --> 00:14:01,479 Speaker 2: pressure for me or just the difficulty being alone. 260 00:14:01,559 --> 00:14:04,800 Speaker 5: What I had to learn was that loneliness is really 261 00:14:04,840 --> 00:14:08,600 Speaker 5: more like a biological signal telling you you just need attention, 262 00:14:08,760 --> 00:14:09,840 Speaker 5: you need social connection. 263 00:14:10,640 --> 00:14:12,040 Speaker 3: It's not a shameful thing. 264 00:14:12,120 --> 00:14:16,080 Speaker 5: And I think we all then get further into a spiral, 265 00:14:16,200 --> 00:14:19,280 Speaker 5: like a loneliness like shame spiral about feeling lonely when 266 00:14:19,320 --> 00:14:22,040 Speaker 5: actually your body is just telling you something similar to 267 00:14:22,120 --> 00:14:23,440 Speaker 5: like hey, I need a drink of water and I 268 00:14:23,480 --> 00:14:24,480 Speaker 5: need or I need food. 269 00:14:24,760 --> 00:14:25,600 Speaker 1: Literally hydrate. 270 00:14:25,720 --> 00:14:28,360 Speaker 5: Yeah, it's like literally hydrate like reach out to something 271 00:14:28,400 --> 00:14:30,680 Speaker 5: like And I was like, oh, okay, I don't have 272 00:14:30,760 --> 00:14:32,920 Speaker 5: this person in my life. I'm going to like put 273 00:14:32,960 --> 00:14:35,440 Speaker 5: some real radical acceptance on that and be like, this 274 00:14:35,480 --> 00:14:37,360 Speaker 5: is what's happening right now. I don't have to like it, 275 00:14:37,400 --> 00:14:39,560 Speaker 5: but that's what's happening. Yeah, so, but how can I 276 00:14:39,720 --> 00:14:43,960 Speaker 5: plan something to give myself pleasure, something nourishing, Reach out 277 00:14:44,000 --> 00:14:46,760 Speaker 5: to someone, make a plan. Yeah, that was the quickest 278 00:14:46,760 --> 00:14:47,920 Speaker 5: way out of loneliness for me. 279 00:14:48,040 --> 00:14:51,240 Speaker 2: I do feel like it's something about like taking your emotions, 280 00:14:51,400 --> 00:14:53,160 Speaker 2: your thoughts, your feelings, and you can sort of do 281 00:14:53,200 --> 00:14:56,280 Speaker 2: one or two things. You can either like ruminate or 282 00:14:57,320 --> 00:15:00,880 Speaker 2: you can productively self reflect. You talk about the difference 283 00:15:00,920 --> 00:15:02,240 Speaker 2: between the two things. 284 00:15:02,000 --> 00:15:05,240 Speaker 5: Yeah, yeah, so because they're scarily similar. So having a 285 00:15:05,480 --> 00:15:10,040 Speaker 5: productive self reflection time is great. But the way it's 286 00:15:10,040 --> 00:15:12,760 Speaker 5: different than rumination is it has a real distinct end point. 287 00:15:13,040 --> 00:15:15,120 Speaker 5: You can like put it away and be like, okay, 288 00:15:15,560 --> 00:15:17,760 Speaker 5: reflection time done, Like I did my journal, I went 289 00:15:17,800 --> 00:15:20,200 Speaker 5: to therapy, or I thought about this on my walk. 290 00:15:20,560 --> 00:15:23,000 Speaker 5: I'm not consumed by it and I'm not spinning my 291 00:15:23,000 --> 00:15:26,600 Speaker 5: wheels about it, whereas rumination is these open ended questions 292 00:15:27,000 --> 00:15:29,800 Speaker 5: that make you spin your wheels and you don't have 293 00:15:29,840 --> 00:15:32,120 Speaker 5: a productive kind of And usually if you're going past 294 00:15:32,200 --> 00:15:34,640 Speaker 5: like what one rumination expert told me, like, if you're 295 00:15:34,680 --> 00:15:37,440 Speaker 5: only passing like the thirty minute mark, you're in deep rumination. 296 00:15:38,600 --> 00:15:39,280 Speaker 3: We've all been there. 297 00:15:39,320 --> 00:15:41,680 Speaker 1: I'm spending all day ruminating over a crush. 298 00:15:41,680 --> 00:15:44,680 Speaker 5: Well yeah, it's constantly well because Na, you're asking probably 299 00:15:44,680 --> 00:15:47,720 Speaker 5: big questions about like why don't they like me, why 300 00:15:47,760 --> 00:15:51,040 Speaker 5: haven't they texted me back, why haven't we actually gotten. 301 00:15:50,760 --> 00:15:53,320 Speaker 3: Together, or why have I not met anyone yet? Or whatever. 302 00:15:53,360 --> 00:15:56,040 Speaker 5: It is like these big questions, and your brain is 303 00:15:56,320 --> 00:15:58,680 Speaker 5: really likes a complete sentence. And when you ask these 304 00:15:58,680 --> 00:16:01,120 Speaker 5: big why questions, you're your brain is being like, I 305 00:16:01,160 --> 00:16:03,600 Speaker 5: have an answer, I'll go look and tries to keep 306 00:16:03,600 --> 00:16:05,920 Speaker 5: bringing you answers and you're like, that's not it, that's 307 00:16:05,960 --> 00:16:06,280 Speaker 5: not it. 308 00:16:06,360 --> 00:16:08,640 Speaker 2: And you're also I think your brain is pulling for 309 00:16:08,680 --> 00:16:11,520 Speaker 2: me anyways, it pulls from like the most harmful situations 310 00:16:11,520 --> 00:16:14,600 Speaker 2: of my life, Like my brain is always pulling information 311 00:16:14,640 --> 00:16:15,440 Speaker 2: from trauma. 312 00:16:15,520 --> 00:16:17,720 Speaker 3: Yeah. It's literally called catastrophizing. 313 00:16:17,720 --> 00:16:20,120 Speaker 2: Okay, yeah, totally. No, I'm very good at catastrophizing. 314 00:16:20,200 --> 00:16:20,400 Speaker 4: Yeah. 315 00:16:20,440 --> 00:16:23,160 Speaker 5: And so, like, what is tempting to do when you 316 00:16:23,240 --> 00:16:25,560 Speaker 5: ruminate is to be like, I can figure this out. 317 00:16:25,880 --> 00:16:27,440 Speaker 5: I can get to the bottom of this. 318 00:16:27,600 --> 00:16:29,200 Speaker 1: You feel like you're investigating, you. 319 00:16:29,160 --> 00:16:31,480 Speaker 5: Feel like you're yeah, like you're Nancy Drew and you're 320 00:16:31,480 --> 00:16:33,800 Speaker 5: just gonna crack this cold case any second now. But 321 00:16:33,840 --> 00:16:35,840 Speaker 5: the reality is the way you're actually going to feel 322 00:16:35,880 --> 00:16:38,680 Speaker 5: better is to take a mental off ramp, and so 323 00:16:38,840 --> 00:16:41,720 Speaker 5: turning why questions into what questions is really helpful. 324 00:16:41,800 --> 00:16:43,040 Speaker 3: So instead of being. 325 00:16:42,880 --> 00:16:46,160 Speaker 5: Like, why hasn't this crush like asked me out for 326 00:16:46,200 --> 00:16:48,040 Speaker 5: a third date or whatever, you'd be like, what can 327 00:16:48,080 --> 00:16:49,880 Speaker 5: I do right now that's going to make me feel better? 328 00:16:50,280 --> 00:16:52,600 Speaker 5: And like it's not actually I know it sounds like 329 00:16:52,680 --> 00:16:56,440 Speaker 5: a distraction because it is, but that mental space is 330 00:16:56,480 --> 00:17:00,200 Speaker 5: going to help you like ramp down all of the 331 00:17:00,240 --> 00:17:04,359 Speaker 5: heightened emotions, because like ruminating is physically taxing on totally, 332 00:17:04,720 --> 00:17:06,760 Speaker 5: and so it helps like tone down all of that 333 00:17:07,520 --> 00:17:10,080 Speaker 5: and helps you get back to a more like regulated state. 334 00:17:10,359 --> 00:17:11,679 Speaker 5: It's kind of like when you're working on like a 335 00:17:11,720 --> 00:17:13,880 Speaker 5: creative project, if you're like, I have to think about 336 00:17:13,920 --> 00:17:15,679 Speaker 5: what the opening line is of this, and you're like 337 00:17:15,720 --> 00:17:18,240 Speaker 5: at your desk, at your computer, it's hard to do that. 338 00:17:18,280 --> 00:17:19,639 Speaker 5: But if as soon as you go up and like 339 00:17:19,680 --> 00:17:21,879 Speaker 5: go to the bathroom, you're like, I have the perfect idea. 340 00:17:21,960 --> 00:17:24,800 Speaker 5: Totally giving yourself space is all you're trying to do. 341 00:17:25,080 --> 00:17:27,480 Speaker 1: Like, was there one nugget that you took away? 342 00:17:27,640 --> 00:17:28,080 Speaker 3: Yeah? 343 00:17:28,800 --> 00:17:29,000 Speaker 7: Yeah. 344 00:17:29,000 --> 00:17:31,840 Speaker 5: There's this wonderful psychologist Ethan Cross who wrote this book 345 00:17:31,840 --> 00:17:34,679 Speaker 5: called Chatter, and it's all about the self talk we have, 346 00:17:34,800 --> 00:17:37,720 Speaker 5: and he's a big fan of what's called temporal distancing. 347 00:17:38,520 --> 00:17:40,960 Speaker 5: He also is a fan of like taking a beat 348 00:17:41,040 --> 00:17:43,760 Speaker 5: to be like I'm actually gonna stop thinking about this 349 00:17:43,840 --> 00:17:46,040 Speaker 5: right now and come back to it, like time boxing 350 00:17:46,119 --> 00:17:48,160 Speaker 5: it and like putting it like I'm gonna think about 351 00:17:48,160 --> 00:17:49,280 Speaker 5: this in a week, and then when you come The 352 00:17:49,320 --> 00:17:50,720 Speaker 5: idea is when you come back to in a week, 353 00:17:50,760 --> 00:17:53,560 Speaker 5: you probably don't have a much heightened emotions. I have 354 00:17:53,800 --> 00:17:55,480 Speaker 5: a hard time with that one because I'm like I 355 00:17:55,560 --> 00:17:58,160 Speaker 5: am like I can like do in parallel tracks ruminating. 356 00:17:58,160 --> 00:18:00,960 Speaker 5: I can ruminate about like what I need to have 357 00:18:01,040 --> 00:18:02,880 Speaker 5: for dinner and make my grocial list and why did 358 00:18:02,880 --> 00:18:04,480 Speaker 5: this person wrong totally the same time. 359 00:18:04,520 --> 00:18:05,720 Speaker 3: So that one's harder for me. 360 00:18:06,160 --> 00:18:08,600 Speaker 2: There's something that sounds really nice about that one, though, 361 00:18:08,640 --> 00:18:11,640 Speaker 2: because like you're not forcing yourself to let it go. 362 00:18:12,160 --> 00:18:14,280 Speaker 2: I think that's where I get really caught up is 363 00:18:14,320 --> 00:18:17,280 Speaker 2: I'm like feeling so much shame for thinking about it, 364 00:18:17,320 --> 00:18:19,520 Speaker 2: and then feeling shame for not being able to stop 365 00:18:19,560 --> 00:18:22,480 Speaker 2: thinking about it. Yeah, So telling yourself like, Okay, put 366 00:18:22,480 --> 00:18:24,720 Speaker 2: it to the side, think about it in a day, 367 00:18:24,920 --> 00:18:26,439 Speaker 2: think about it in a week. You don't have to 368 00:18:26,480 --> 00:18:29,760 Speaker 2: force yourself to like be over it right now, but 369 00:18:29,840 --> 00:18:31,639 Speaker 2: put it to the side and then come back to it. 370 00:18:31,760 --> 00:18:34,560 Speaker 2: I think that's a really helpful tool. I'm wondering, though, 371 00:18:34,600 --> 00:18:37,560 Speaker 2: when you were writing this book if you kind of 372 00:18:37,560 --> 00:18:39,000 Speaker 2: had this because you start you were single when you 373 00:18:39,040 --> 00:18:41,600 Speaker 2: started writing it, yes, And did you have this like 374 00:18:41,920 --> 00:18:44,840 Speaker 2: fear or feeling that you were going to be single 375 00:18:45,080 --> 00:18:47,440 Speaker 2: forever where you like, this is my path. 376 00:18:48,160 --> 00:18:51,119 Speaker 5: So the year that I started writing the book or 377 00:18:51,119 --> 00:18:53,400 Speaker 5: thinking about the book, I remember thinking to myself, this 378 00:18:53,440 --> 00:18:55,080 Speaker 5: is a really special time in my life, and I 379 00:18:55,160 --> 00:18:58,280 Speaker 5: think I've been missing that. I didn't realize how special 380 00:18:58,960 --> 00:19:01,280 Speaker 5: this time in my life as I was on a rooftop, 381 00:19:01,440 --> 00:19:03,560 Speaker 5: like at a pool by myself, reading a book. 382 00:19:03,560 --> 00:19:04,160 Speaker 3: It was like evening. 383 00:19:04,200 --> 00:19:06,359 Speaker 5: It was like a really hot DC summer day, and 384 00:19:06,400 --> 00:19:12,760 Speaker 5: I was like, yeah, muggy. 385 00:19:10,160 --> 00:19:13,320 Speaker 3: Yes, yeah, it's very very human. 386 00:19:13,960 --> 00:19:15,920 Speaker 5: But I was like, this is a really special time 387 00:19:15,960 --> 00:19:18,640 Speaker 5: in my life. I think I've been discounting it. Even 388 00:19:18,720 --> 00:19:22,360 Speaker 5: there's been a lot of hurt and pain, there's also 389 00:19:22,400 --> 00:19:24,920 Speaker 5: been so much joy And I think I had to 390 00:19:25,080 --> 00:19:26,760 Speaker 5: kind of pull my head up to look around to 391 00:19:26,800 --> 00:19:29,320 Speaker 5: see a lot of the joy and growth that I 392 00:19:29,359 --> 00:19:33,440 Speaker 5: had still done. And when I started writing the book, 393 00:19:33,640 --> 00:19:35,640 Speaker 5: I was like, this isn't gonna happen. I was kind 394 00:19:35,640 --> 00:19:38,040 Speaker 5: of treating it like I was dating someone new. I 395 00:19:38,080 --> 00:19:40,760 Speaker 5: was like, I'm going to write the bit proposal, and 396 00:19:40,760 --> 00:19:42,760 Speaker 5: then I got a bunch of meetings. I'm like, it's 397 00:19:42,800 --> 00:19:44,800 Speaker 5: not going to actually sell. And then it did, and 398 00:19:44,840 --> 00:19:47,600 Speaker 5: I was like, and then the once I sold the 399 00:19:47,600 --> 00:19:50,920 Speaker 5: book and I started really writing it, I whoops, got 400 00:19:50,920 --> 00:19:53,240 Speaker 5: into the longest relationship of my life and we're still together. 401 00:19:53,680 --> 00:19:54,840 Speaker 1: I am obsessed with that. 402 00:19:54,960 --> 00:20:00,080 Speaker 2: Honestly, personally, I am obsessed with that because when I 403 00:20:00,080 --> 00:20:03,560 Speaker 2: I started to be like I am capital a s single, 404 00:20:03,760 --> 00:20:07,040 Speaker 2: I am capital, be boysover whatever, I swear to God, 405 00:20:07,080 --> 00:20:08,240 Speaker 2: people came out of the wood so. 406 00:20:08,280 --> 00:20:09,080 Speaker 3: Much more interested in you. 407 00:20:09,240 --> 00:20:11,440 Speaker 1: What is that? So the same thing happened to you. 408 00:20:11,640 --> 00:20:13,800 Speaker 5: I think it's the harmonious passion thing. You're kind of like, 409 00:20:13,880 --> 00:20:15,639 Speaker 5: I can take it or leave it. I'm going to 410 00:20:15,720 --> 00:20:19,159 Speaker 5: focus on this. And I felt really grateful that I 411 00:20:19,200 --> 00:20:21,359 Speaker 5: was writing the book while I was starting this new relationship. 412 00:20:21,520 --> 00:20:24,080 Speaker 5: I was like, Oh, this person is actually really excited 413 00:20:24,119 --> 00:20:25,520 Speaker 5: for me that I'm writing this book. 414 00:20:25,760 --> 00:20:29,520 Speaker 2: So harmonious passion, which is the opposite of obsessive passion. 415 00:20:29,800 --> 00:20:31,320 Speaker 2: How does someone create that? 416 00:20:31,880 --> 00:20:35,200 Speaker 5: So the good news is that harmonious passion in exploring 417 00:20:35,240 --> 00:20:38,000 Speaker 5: that just are the tenets of having a good balance life. 418 00:20:38,280 --> 00:20:40,760 Speaker 5: And it's not just putting all of your focus on 419 00:20:41,080 --> 00:20:42,960 Speaker 5: the thing that you're being obsessed with. Right, So in 420 00:20:42,960 --> 00:20:46,200 Speaker 5: this case dating, it's making sure that you have hobbies 421 00:20:46,240 --> 00:20:48,119 Speaker 5: you really like, Yeah, things that take you out of. 422 00:20:48,119 --> 00:20:48,720 Speaker 3: Your own head. 423 00:20:48,800 --> 00:20:51,040 Speaker 5: Like I feel like the times where I felt the 424 00:20:51,080 --> 00:20:55,600 Speaker 5: most down about dating, I was so self involved and 425 00:20:55,640 --> 00:20:57,359 Speaker 5: like really in my own head and I would be like, 426 00:20:57,400 --> 00:20:58,320 Speaker 5: oh my god, there's a. 427 00:20:58,320 --> 00:21:00,760 Speaker 3: Whole other world out there, totally, how about that? 428 00:21:00,960 --> 00:21:03,119 Speaker 5: Right, And getting out of yourself is one of the 429 00:21:03,160 --> 00:21:07,440 Speaker 5: easiest psychological tricks to calm your anxiety, to make you 430 00:21:07,440 --> 00:21:10,919 Speaker 5: feel a part of something better, bigger mindfulness, a lot 431 00:21:10,960 --> 00:21:15,159 Speaker 5: of emotional regulation and yeah, because I think when the 432 00:21:15,200 --> 00:21:19,560 Speaker 5: emotional regulation, emotional regulation part of it helps you see 433 00:21:19,600 --> 00:21:22,320 Speaker 5: things for what they actually are rather than this is 434 00:21:22,320 --> 00:21:24,680 Speaker 5: my only chance. And the deeper I got into the 435 00:21:24,680 --> 00:21:26,959 Speaker 5: book writing too, I was like, oh, I still need 436 00:21:27,000 --> 00:21:29,520 Speaker 5: all these tools, and I feel like there's a lot 437 00:21:29,520 --> 00:21:33,040 Speaker 5: of conversation about how positive change can also be very 438 00:21:33,280 --> 00:21:35,720 Speaker 5: you know, transformative and still be a huge life change. 439 00:21:35,720 --> 00:21:38,199 Speaker 5: And I was like, oh, transitioning from being a you know, 440 00:21:38,560 --> 00:21:42,000 Speaker 5: longtime single person into being in a real partnership, I 441 00:21:42,040 --> 00:21:44,359 Speaker 5: was like, oh, this is a change. Still, I was 442 00:21:44,400 --> 00:21:46,639 Speaker 5: really you know, I have a really wonderful partner who 443 00:21:46,680 --> 00:21:49,120 Speaker 5: supports me, so he's the best, like and I feel 444 00:21:49,119 --> 00:21:50,760 Speaker 5: really like values aligned with him. 445 00:21:50,600 --> 00:21:52,080 Speaker 3: Which is like the biggest difference with that. 446 00:21:54,680 --> 00:21:55,800 Speaker 1: I'm please God. 447 00:21:56,040 --> 00:21:57,879 Speaker 5: Well, but what I also tell people is like, this 448 00:21:57,960 --> 00:21:59,840 Speaker 5: is not like a quit dating. And then all this 449 00:22:00,240 --> 00:22:02,840 Speaker 5: and like it all came into like to focus because 450 00:22:02,840 --> 00:22:04,160 Speaker 5: everyone loves to be like, oh, of course she wrote 451 00:22:04,160 --> 00:22:06,040 Speaker 5: the book and then it happens, and I'm like, yeah, 452 00:22:06,080 --> 00:22:08,920 Speaker 5: it happened that way. But also it was just right 453 00:22:09,119 --> 00:22:13,320 Speaker 5: timing and values for me and this person to come together. 454 00:22:13,720 --> 00:22:16,160 Speaker 2: I had some feelings of contradiction when I was sort 455 00:22:16,160 --> 00:22:19,320 Speaker 2: of like seeing the praises of giving up men and 456 00:22:19,359 --> 00:22:21,520 Speaker 2: being single and this and that, but then like sort 457 00:22:21,560 --> 00:22:23,600 Speaker 2: of sneaky being like, oh I might be falling in 458 00:22:23,640 --> 00:22:26,560 Speaker 2: love with someone. Did you feel that contradiction? Did you 459 00:22:26,600 --> 00:22:28,679 Speaker 2: feel like you were kind of jumping ship? 460 00:22:28,920 --> 00:22:31,800 Speaker 3: I did, yeah, because I was like, oh, crap. People 461 00:22:31,800 --> 00:22:34,280 Speaker 3: are going to think I'm a fraud now. But the 462 00:22:34,320 --> 00:22:35,240 Speaker 3: deeper gun into my. 463 00:22:35,200 --> 00:22:38,480 Speaker 5: Book, I was like, oh, this is actually unlearning a 464 00:22:38,480 --> 00:22:42,760 Speaker 5: lot of this stuff about marriage and how traditional partnership 465 00:22:42,760 --> 00:22:45,080 Speaker 5: has looked and how we can treat single people better 466 00:22:45,520 --> 00:22:48,399 Speaker 5: is actually better for everyone totally and makes everyone a 467 00:22:48,400 --> 00:22:51,879 Speaker 5: little happier, a lot happier actually, And it's made my 468 00:22:51,880 --> 00:22:55,959 Speaker 5: boyfriend and I really intentional about how we include our 469 00:22:55,960 --> 00:22:57,879 Speaker 5: single friends in our life, making sure we have our 470 00:22:57,920 --> 00:23:02,240 Speaker 5: own friends, not doing every single thing together. Like he's 471 00:23:02,240 --> 00:23:04,359 Speaker 5: a little bit more introverted than I am, but there's 472 00:23:04,600 --> 00:23:06,400 Speaker 5: plenty of nights where we like look at each other, 473 00:23:06,480 --> 00:23:07,280 Speaker 5: shake hands and then. 474 00:23:07,200 --> 00:23:12,200 Speaker 3: Like go, yeah, enjoy it. Yeah, and I think yeah. 475 00:23:12,320 --> 00:23:14,239 Speaker 5: So it was a contradiction at first, but then I 476 00:23:14,280 --> 00:23:16,240 Speaker 5: was I had so many married people come up to 477 00:23:16,280 --> 00:23:19,160 Speaker 5: me after the book came out being like I totally 478 00:23:19,200 --> 00:23:22,760 Speaker 5: get this. I know what you're talking about. Like you know, 479 00:23:22,920 --> 00:23:25,240 Speaker 5: like I was like, oh, I'm feeling calmer. My friend 480 00:23:25,280 --> 00:23:27,760 Speaker 5: gave me some advice years ago. He was like, He's like, 481 00:23:27,800 --> 00:23:29,639 Speaker 5: you want to be with someone who grounds you and 482 00:23:29,680 --> 00:23:32,720 Speaker 5: makes you feel calmer and not actually excites your heart, 483 00:23:32,920 --> 00:23:36,400 Speaker 5: you know, to make that anxiousness the butterflies, and there's 484 00:23:36,400 --> 00:23:38,720 Speaker 5: a lot of talk about how the butterflies are actually 485 00:23:38,720 --> 00:23:41,280 Speaker 5: just your anxiety and your sirens going that's awesome. 486 00:23:41,560 --> 00:23:44,800 Speaker 2: Yeah, Like I need to listen to that advice because 487 00:23:44,800 --> 00:23:46,760 Speaker 2: I'm always running after someone that's like giving me a 488 00:23:46,800 --> 00:23:47,359 Speaker 2: panic attack. 489 00:23:47,480 --> 00:23:49,080 Speaker 5: And look, life is long, and if you're looking for 490 00:23:49,119 --> 00:23:52,080 Speaker 5: someone to be with long term, like having someone you 491 00:23:52,160 --> 00:23:54,200 Speaker 5: know is reliable and is going to be a calming 492 00:23:54,720 --> 00:23:56,879 Speaker 5: place for you is really invaluable. 493 00:23:57,000 --> 00:23:57,640 Speaker 1: No, totally. 494 00:23:58,040 --> 00:24:00,720 Speaker 2: Did you feel like you were abandoning any part of 495 00:24:00,760 --> 00:24:03,360 Speaker 2: yourself when you got into a committed relationship. 496 00:24:04,320 --> 00:24:07,440 Speaker 5: Not necessarily abandoning, but it was saying goodbye to it 497 00:24:07,480 --> 00:24:09,360 Speaker 5: again a time in my life. I didn't realize how 498 00:24:09,359 --> 00:24:13,560 Speaker 5: special it was until it was over. When you're single 499 00:24:13,560 --> 00:24:15,200 Speaker 5: for so long and then you get into a relationship, 500 00:24:15,240 --> 00:24:17,320 Speaker 5: you're like, oh, I feel like I'm crossing over a line. 501 00:24:17,840 --> 00:24:20,479 Speaker 5: And now I'm like in this other kind of like club. 502 00:24:20,840 --> 00:24:22,280 Speaker 5: And I was like, I'm not a part of this. 503 00:24:22,480 --> 00:24:24,199 Speaker 5: I'm a part of this club. I wanted this, but 504 00:24:24,240 --> 00:24:26,520 Speaker 5: also I'm with you guys, I like that club. 505 00:24:27,560 --> 00:24:28,840 Speaker 3: And so what it. 506 00:24:28,800 --> 00:24:31,119 Speaker 5: Really took was instead of feeling like, Okay, I'm going 507 00:24:31,200 --> 00:24:35,040 Speaker 5: to abandon this is to really be intentional about showing 508 00:24:35,119 --> 00:24:37,840 Speaker 5: up for friends, still not going to a boyfriend island 509 00:24:37,880 --> 00:24:43,199 Speaker 5: as people say, and just disappearing forever. Yeah, And I 510 00:24:43,280 --> 00:24:45,760 Speaker 5: was like, it's really important to me to stay intentional 511 00:24:45,920 --> 00:24:49,560 Speaker 5: about feeding the parts of my life that feel good 512 00:24:49,600 --> 00:24:51,880 Speaker 5: to me and not like compromising on that, but still 513 00:24:51,920 --> 00:24:54,200 Speaker 5: showing up for my partner and what he likes and 514 00:24:54,760 --> 00:24:57,399 Speaker 5: wants to do and how we come together. And that 515 00:24:57,440 --> 00:25:01,120 Speaker 5: has been a lot more of an elegant integration rather 516 00:25:01,160 --> 00:25:04,879 Speaker 5: than being like I'm completely leaving this part of my life. 517 00:25:04,920 --> 00:25:06,920 Speaker 3: I mean it's changing. Yeah, life has changed. 518 00:25:06,960 --> 00:25:10,399 Speaker 5: But I also feel the reason my partner lakes and 519 00:25:10,400 --> 00:25:13,160 Speaker 5: loves me is because I showed up as my full self. 520 00:25:13,119 --> 00:25:16,520 Speaker 2: And there is so much less pressure on men. I 521 00:25:16,560 --> 00:25:22,320 Speaker 2: feel like sometimes the way heterosexual straight relationships work is 522 00:25:22,400 --> 00:25:24,960 Speaker 2: like we show up to each other and we expect 523 00:25:25,080 --> 00:25:27,879 Speaker 2: to complete each other. Yeah, but just showing up with 524 00:25:27,960 --> 00:25:31,120 Speaker 2: your own two feet to stand on everyone's so much 525 00:25:31,119 --> 00:25:31,800 Speaker 2: more at ease. 526 00:25:32,160 --> 00:25:33,720 Speaker 3: Yeah, because it lowers the pressure. 527 00:25:34,359 --> 00:25:37,320 Speaker 5: I think sometimes married people can see single people as 528 00:25:37,359 --> 00:25:40,040 Speaker 5: problems to be solved because there's that's how they think 529 00:25:40,040 --> 00:25:43,320 Speaker 5: about their relationship is like if this broke up, it 530 00:25:43,359 --> 00:25:46,120 Speaker 5: would be really hard for me to try to date again. 531 00:25:46,119 --> 00:25:47,320 Speaker 5: I'd have to date a in because I have to 532 00:25:47,320 --> 00:25:50,159 Speaker 5: feel whole again. And it's like kind of a you know, 533 00:25:50,240 --> 00:25:54,200 Speaker 5: comment on themselves, I think, and how they feel. And 534 00:25:54,359 --> 00:25:55,800 Speaker 5: what I would love to see is like, if you're 535 00:25:55,800 --> 00:25:58,159 Speaker 5: not feeling like your full full self in a relationship, 536 00:25:58,200 --> 00:26:01,640 Speaker 5: like have the courage to leave? Now I know why. 537 00:26:01,640 --> 00:26:03,640 Speaker 5: There's plenty of reasons why that can be very hard 538 00:26:03,680 --> 00:26:06,120 Speaker 5: for people, and especially in abusive situations. I'm not saying 539 00:26:06,160 --> 00:26:08,800 Speaker 5: it's just easy to leave, but like, I think that 540 00:26:08,840 --> 00:26:10,800 Speaker 5: a lot of people stay in things longer than they 541 00:26:10,840 --> 00:26:13,600 Speaker 5: need to because they. 542 00:26:14,600 --> 00:26:16,320 Speaker 3: Think that this is it and that this is going 543 00:26:16,400 --> 00:26:17,359 Speaker 3: to complete me forever. 544 00:26:18,080 --> 00:26:19,760 Speaker 1: It's this like false sense of safety. 545 00:26:19,880 --> 00:26:39,440 Speaker 4: Yeah. 546 00:26:39,960 --> 00:26:45,520 Speaker 2: So this has been my romantic journey. Okay, obsessed, obsessively swiping, 547 00:26:45,760 --> 00:26:49,320 Speaker 2: obsessed over a situationship at all times, just like a mess, 548 00:26:49,800 --> 00:26:52,200 Speaker 2: give it up for a year, and then just recently 549 00:26:52,240 --> 00:26:55,200 Speaker 2: I fell back into a situationship of sorts with someone 550 00:26:55,240 --> 00:26:57,640 Speaker 2: I should have never been near. Okay, and now I 551 00:26:57,680 --> 00:26:59,960 Speaker 2: am on sort of my voiceover journey two point zero, 552 00:27:00,600 --> 00:27:03,760 Speaker 2: going into this summer ready to be single. 553 00:27:04,200 --> 00:27:07,679 Speaker 1: But I'm like, what is your advice? How do I 554 00:27:07,720 --> 00:27:08,320 Speaker 1: do single? 555 00:27:08,440 --> 00:27:08,680 Speaker 6: Right? 556 00:27:10,480 --> 00:27:12,760 Speaker 5: I think you need to have a project that's not 557 00:27:12,920 --> 00:27:14,440 Speaker 5: about your dating life, right. 558 00:27:14,920 --> 00:27:16,240 Speaker 1: I think you just read me to film. 559 00:27:18,359 --> 00:27:19,439 Speaker 3: I think you do. I think you do. 560 00:27:19,560 --> 00:27:22,639 Speaker 5: I think something about going boysover and like taking a 561 00:27:22,720 --> 00:27:25,800 Speaker 5: break from dating, is you really stop to be like 562 00:27:25,800 --> 00:27:26,920 Speaker 5: what do I actually want? 563 00:27:27,160 --> 00:27:30,040 Speaker 3: And like if you do want to date someone, that's fine, right? 564 00:27:30,119 --> 00:27:32,479 Speaker 1: I did, like totally, it's totally fine about yourself. 565 00:27:32,520 --> 00:27:34,480 Speaker 5: It's kind of like once you It's like name entertainment 566 00:27:34,560 --> 00:27:36,880 Speaker 5: is a popular thing in psychology, So the idea being 567 00:27:36,960 --> 00:27:40,320 Speaker 5: like I know that I was pursuing this with obsessive passion. Okay, 568 00:27:40,400 --> 00:27:42,280 Speaker 5: I'm going to name that, and so now I can 569 00:27:42,359 --> 00:27:46,399 Speaker 5: tame it by approaching with harmonious passion, right, getting it 570 00:27:46,440 --> 00:27:48,880 Speaker 5: getting a different hobby, like really like having some. 571 00:27:48,880 --> 00:27:49,960 Speaker 1: Kind of like can I tell you? 572 00:27:50,080 --> 00:27:50,359 Speaker 7: Yes? 573 00:27:50,400 --> 00:27:52,439 Speaker 2: When I first tried to give up dating and everything, 574 00:27:52,560 --> 00:27:55,679 Speaker 2: I bought a keyboard to learn piano. I bought everything 575 00:27:55,680 --> 00:27:57,520 Speaker 2: I needed to buy to learn how to knit. I 576 00:27:57,560 --> 00:28:00,280 Speaker 2: still have not done either one of those things. Well, yeah, 577 00:28:00,320 --> 00:28:01,359 Speaker 2: maybe it's time I try again. 578 00:28:01,560 --> 00:28:04,919 Speaker 5: Well, maybe it's something within community and like getting like 579 00:28:04,960 --> 00:28:07,119 Speaker 5: friends together on a regular basis, for I don't know, 580 00:28:07,240 --> 00:28:10,480 Speaker 5: a game night, something fun, book club, whatever. It is 581 00:28:10,520 --> 00:28:12,480 Speaker 5: just something creative that you can like put some like 582 00:28:12,520 --> 00:28:16,200 Speaker 5: creative energy towards. And that is always like going to 583 00:28:16,280 --> 00:28:21,119 Speaker 5: be there because dating can feel so like shaky, and 584 00:28:21,160 --> 00:28:24,280 Speaker 5: so having some kind of project that's outside of yourself 585 00:28:25,520 --> 00:28:28,480 Speaker 5: and outside of being fully dependent on like the whims 586 00:28:28,520 --> 00:28:32,240 Speaker 5: of someone that you're dating, is going to feel very enriching. 587 00:28:32,320 --> 00:28:35,440 Speaker 2: I think, what's your advice to someone who is single 588 00:28:35,560 --> 00:28:38,320 Speaker 2: and committed to finding value in it, but deep down 589 00:28:38,760 --> 00:28:40,600 Speaker 2: they really want to find their person. 590 00:28:41,480 --> 00:28:45,080 Speaker 5: Yeah, I would say focus on making your life deeper 591 00:28:45,080 --> 00:28:49,560 Speaker 5: and wider rather than very narrow. I would say it's 592 00:28:49,600 --> 00:28:53,479 Speaker 5: totally valid to want partnership and want love, just do 593 00:28:53,560 --> 00:28:56,959 Speaker 5: not make it the sole priority of your life. I 594 00:28:57,000 --> 00:28:59,160 Speaker 5: know it feels like you're running out of time and 595 00:28:59,200 --> 00:29:04,080 Speaker 5: the clock is to felt it. But seeing that your 596 00:29:04,160 --> 00:29:07,880 Speaker 5: life can go two directions. There could be a path 597 00:29:07,880 --> 00:29:10,240 Speaker 5: in your life where you were maybe single for most 598 00:29:10,280 --> 00:29:12,520 Speaker 5: of your life, or a path where you're going to 599 00:29:12,560 --> 00:29:15,160 Speaker 5: meet someone very quickly and you're together, let's say the 600 00:29:15,160 --> 00:29:18,000 Speaker 5: rest of your life. Those two paths you need to 601 00:29:18,080 --> 00:29:22,280 Speaker 5: treat them as equally valid and possible and wonderful and 602 00:29:22,680 --> 00:29:27,360 Speaker 5: kind of accepting both realities as being like, how can 603 00:29:27,400 --> 00:29:29,280 Speaker 5: I make either one of those the best they could 604 00:29:29,320 --> 00:29:29,920 Speaker 5: possibly be. 605 00:29:30,440 --> 00:29:32,680 Speaker 2: Yeah, it's so interesting that you say that, because, like, 606 00:29:33,040 --> 00:29:35,800 Speaker 2: I think the truth about getting into a relationship is 607 00:29:35,840 --> 00:29:41,080 Speaker 2: that is another version of work sometimes loneliness, sometimes isolation, 608 00:29:41,240 --> 00:29:44,480 Speaker 2: sometimes disappointment. And it's so interesting that a lot of 609 00:29:44,560 --> 00:29:49,520 Speaker 2: people who are single, we are like waiting for that fix, like, oh, 610 00:29:49,560 --> 00:29:52,080 Speaker 2: if I find a person, all of this loneliness will 611 00:29:52,120 --> 00:29:55,080 Speaker 2: be taken away. But you get with someone, and you know, 612 00:29:55,360 --> 00:29:59,360 Speaker 2: life creeps back in. Yes, And I love this advice 613 00:29:59,400 --> 00:30:02,080 Speaker 2: of like both paths as wonderful. 614 00:30:02,440 --> 00:30:03,200 Speaker 3: Yeah, because you're. 615 00:30:03,120 --> 00:30:03,960 Speaker 1: Really not told to it. 616 00:30:04,200 --> 00:30:07,120 Speaker 2: You're not told to accept a path of being single 617 00:30:07,640 --> 00:30:09,640 Speaker 2: like you are. You said this in the beginning. It's 618 00:30:09,680 --> 00:30:12,560 Speaker 2: like you're always trying to fix that. Don't look at 619 00:30:12,600 --> 00:30:13,840 Speaker 2: it as something that should be fixed. 620 00:30:13,920 --> 00:30:17,160 Speaker 5: Singleness is not a waiting room. You are actually at 621 00:30:17,160 --> 00:30:18,680 Speaker 5: the party right now, not to be. 622 00:30:18,840 --> 00:30:20,120 Speaker 1: Okay, you know, let me hear it. 623 00:30:21,400 --> 00:30:23,080 Speaker 3: Well, No, it's true. It's like, singleness is not a 624 00:30:23,120 --> 00:30:23,640 Speaker 3: waiting room. 625 00:30:23,800 --> 00:30:28,440 Speaker 5: You can have a wonderful, deep, beautiful life right now totally. 626 00:30:28,560 --> 00:30:30,000 Speaker 5: You can you get to make you get to make 627 00:30:30,000 --> 00:30:31,600 Speaker 5: the party. That's why I kind of called the book 628 00:30:31,640 --> 00:30:34,200 Speaker 5: party of one is because I love hosting parties and 629 00:30:34,280 --> 00:30:36,760 Speaker 5: I love being able to throw exactly the type I want. 630 00:30:36,760 --> 00:30:39,800 Speaker 5: I love being able to control like the lighting, the food, 631 00:30:39,920 --> 00:30:42,320 Speaker 5: the guest list, like what everyone's drinking. 632 00:30:42,600 --> 00:30:43,680 Speaker 3: I like being the. 633 00:30:43,720 --> 00:30:45,440 Speaker 5: Curator of it. So it's like you get to do 634 00:30:45,480 --> 00:30:47,120 Speaker 5: that with your life. I mean, when you're single, you 635 00:30:47,160 --> 00:30:48,920 Speaker 5: have so much flexibility to do. 636 00:30:48,880 --> 00:30:50,200 Speaker 3: That totally, so like own it. 637 00:30:50,480 --> 00:30:53,080 Speaker 1: Yeah, like spread your wings exactly. 638 00:30:53,400 --> 00:30:57,680 Speaker 2: My last question is how can someone pursue solitude that 639 00:30:57,720 --> 00:30:59,520 Speaker 2: feels good and not lonely. 640 00:30:59,840 --> 00:31:05,160 Speaker 5: So the big difference between feeling like lonely and being 641 00:31:05,160 --> 00:31:07,400 Speaker 5: in a state of solitude is loneliness is when you're 642 00:31:07,640 --> 00:31:10,840 Speaker 5: feeling alone and having an active negative reaction to it, 643 00:31:10,880 --> 00:31:14,280 Speaker 5: like your's resistance there, whereas being alone or being in 644 00:31:14,320 --> 00:31:16,240 Speaker 5: solitude is actually a restorative state. 645 00:31:16,280 --> 00:31:17,720 Speaker 3: It's a positive, restorative state. 646 00:31:18,120 --> 00:31:21,120 Speaker 5: So what I tell people is if they're really struggling 647 00:31:21,240 --> 00:31:25,160 Speaker 5: with owning their alone time, their solitude is to come 648 00:31:25,240 --> 00:31:27,400 Speaker 5: up with like us. I call them solitude styles. So 649 00:31:28,440 --> 00:31:31,960 Speaker 5: a creative project. Perhaps I love movies so like, especially 650 00:31:32,040 --> 00:31:34,560 Speaker 5: during the pandemic, and I was deeply single and like 651 00:31:34,640 --> 00:31:37,920 Speaker 5: living alone that is brutal. Yeah, So me and my 652 00:31:38,000 --> 00:31:41,920 Speaker 5: dog Margot watched a lot of movies. But I was like, Okay, 653 00:31:41,960 --> 00:31:43,240 Speaker 5: I'm going to make like a project out of it. 654 00:31:43,240 --> 00:31:45,520 Speaker 5: I'm gonna watch a bunch of trilogies I've never seen. Yeah, 655 00:31:45,560 --> 00:31:47,360 Speaker 5: so I was just like and then it became a thing. 656 00:31:47,360 --> 00:31:49,520 Speaker 5: When I was, you know, six feet away at a 657 00:31:49,560 --> 00:31:51,640 Speaker 5: park with a friend, I could be like, I just 658 00:31:51,680 --> 00:31:54,680 Speaker 5: watched them before Trilogyah, let's talk about richual link letter films. 659 00:31:54,720 --> 00:31:56,480 Speaker 5: Like it became like a source of connection. 660 00:31:56,520 --> 00:31:59,800 Speaker 3: Also. Yeah, I also think that you can. 661 00:31:59,800 --> 00:32:03,360 Speaker 5: Use solitude to create connection, Like you can do things like, 662 00:32:03,760 --> 00:32:06,840 Speaker 5: you know, make food for your friend who's like having 663 00:32:06,880 --> 00:32:09,479 Speaker 5: a hard time, like cooking a solitude. We do all 664 00:32:09,520 --> 00:32:12,240 Speaker 5: these things that are alone anyway a lot of times, 665 00:32:12,280 --> 00:32:14,200 Speaker 5: but we don't put the shame on them, but for 666 00:32:14,200 --> 00:32:16,200 Speaker 5: for out of a reason. On like a Friday night, 667 00:32:17,040 --> 00:32:19,440 Speaker 5: if we're home alone, we're like, well, that's designated time, 668 00:32:19,480 --> 00:32:22,040 Speaker 5: designated for like social time. I should be out when 669 00:32:22,080 --> 00:32:24,120 Speaker 5: the reality is like maybe you had a long week 670 00:32:24,120 --> 00:32:26,200 Speaker 5: at work and you just need some time to restore. 671 00:32:26,680 --> 00:32:31,440 Speaker 2: It's such a simple way to rebrand being alone. Yeah, 672 00:32:31,480 --> 00:32:34,280 Speaker 2: I think it's so easy to fall into this like 673 00:32:34,360 --> 00:32:39,640 Speaker 2: self judgment, self hate, like this shame spiral if you're alone. 674 00:32:39,920 --> 00:32:43,040 Speaker 2: But even right now just thinking about it as solitude, 675 00:32:43,080 --> 00:32:45,080 Speaker 2: I'm like, I've been wasting so much of my time 676 00:32:45,360 --> 00:32:48,000 Speaker 2: just feeling bad about being alone when I. 677 00:32:47,920 --> 00:32:50,200 Speaker 1: Could just think about it as solitude. 678 00:32:50,600 --> 00:32:53,000 Speaker 2: Yeah, what do you do in that space when it's 679 00:32:53,040 --> 00:32:57,240 Speaker 2: something that's meant to be empowering and recharging. 680 00:32:57,640 --> 00:33:02,920 Speaker 5: Yeah, I would say anytime you're feeling very down or 681 00:33:02,960 --> 00:33:05,880 Speaker 5: in your head about singleness is reach out for connection. 682 00:33:06,440 --> 00:33:10,160 Speaker 5: Because I think we're talking about with rumination, it's so 683 00:33:10,280 --> 00:33:13,000 Speaker 5: easy to go so internal and believe in negative story 684 00:33:13,040 --> 00:33:15,520 Speaker 5: about yourself. But once you bring yourself out of that 685 00:33:16,120 --> 00:33:19,360 Speaker 5: and talk to your friend, see how they're doing, like 686 00:33:19,600 --> 00:33:22,240 Speaker 5: call your mom totally, you know. 687 00:33:23,320 --> 00:33:24,520 Speaker 3: Get it, Like read a book. 688 00:33:25,360 --> 00:33:27,600 Speaker 5: Just look for different types of connection that take you 689 00:33:27,640 --> 00:33:30,400 Speaker 5: out of yourself, and you will find relief and you'll 690 00:33:30,440 --> 00:33:33,040 Speaker 5: also realize that you're not alone. People are feeling lonely 691 00:33:33,160 --> 00:33:36,160 Speaker 5: in different parts of their life. Married people can feel 692 00:33:36,280 --> 00:33:38,920 Speaker 5: very lonely, as you mentioned, So I would say whenever 693 00:33:39,000 --> 00:33:42,840 Speaker 5: you're feeling down about yourself about singleness, I would say, 694 00:33:43,080 --> 00:33:46,560 Speaker 5: reach out, make connection your life is right in front 695 00:33:46,600 --> 00:33:47,080 Speaker 5: of you. 696 00:33:47,080 --> 00:33:48,360 Speaker 3: You get to live it right now. 697 00:33:48,280 --> 00:33:50,160 Speaker 1: And remember to enjoy it exactly. 698 00:33:50,240 --> 00:33:53,000 Speaker 5: Life can be really hard, and so when there's joy, 699 00:33:53,080 --> 00:33:55,080 Speaker 5: it is something to truly be savord. I think, so 700 00:33:55,160 --> 00:33:56,320 Speaker 5: really savor the joy as well. 701 00:33:58,760 --> 00:34:03,160 Speaker 2: Since my conversation with I've definitely changed my perspective on 702 00:34:03,440 --> 00:34:09,719 Speaker 2: being alone. Embracing solitude feels empowering and I'm committed to it. 703 00:34:10,120 --> 00:34:14,840 Speaker 2: I actually just officially ended that situationship I talked about 704 00:34:14,880 --> 00:34:18,200 Speaker 2: at the top of the episode. I'll be honest and 705 00:34:18,280 --> 00:34:23,560 Speaker 2: admit it took three times to actually end, but it's 706 00:34:23,640 --> 00:34:28,880 Speaker 2: really over, and I think this idea of solitude is 707 00:34:28,920 --> 00:34:32,200 Speaker 2: giving me the strength to stay alone. But I'll admit 708 00:34:32,400 --> 00:34:35,880 Speaker 2: I'm still a little scared, a little nervous, and I 709 00:34:35,880 --> 00:34:39,880 Speaker 2: feel like I need some inspiration from my friends. So 710 00:34:40,000 --> 00:34:42,600 Speaker 2: I ask the people I know who are very good 711 00:34:42,640 --> 00:34:46,000 Speaker 2: at being single, maybe even love it, to tell me 712 00:34:46,440 --> 00:34:49,759 Speaker 2: how they make being single the party and not the 713 00:34:49,800 --> 00:34:50,399 Speaker 2: waiting room. 714 00:34:51,280 --> 00:34:55,040 Speaker 7: One thing I've learned to love is taking myself on 715 00:34:55,160 --> 00:34:59,200 Speaker 7: solo dinner dates to new Omakase restaurants in New York. 716 00:35:00,239 --> 00:35:05,200 Speaker 7: I really look forward to getting dressed up and experiencing 717 00:35:05,239 --> 00:35:06,320 Speaker 7: it on my own. 718 00:35:06,600 --> 00:35:09,759 Speaker 8: Traveling by myself is awesome because I think you can 719 00:35:09,800 --> 00:35:13,560 Speaker 8: never find someone that likes exactly what you like. So 720 00:35:13,600 --> 00:35:16,000 Speaker 8: I like traveling by myself because I can create my 721 00:35:16,160 --> 00:35:20,279 Speaker 8: own itinery like that involves everything that I want to do. 722 00:35:20,640 --> 00:35:24,520 Speaker 6: I love to sleep in my own bed alone. 723 00:35:25,120 --> 00:35:26,560 Speaker 1: I really hate. 724 00:35:26,440 --> 00:35:31,760 Speaker 6: Sharing a bed with anyone, and especially someone that wants 725 00:35:31,800 --> 00:35:36,480 Speaker 6: to wake me up with any with any sort of 726 00:35:36,560 --> 00:35:39,880 Speaker 6: suggestion of sex. That's not interesting to me. What is 727 00:35:39,920 --> 00:35:41,759 Speaker 6: interesting is uninterrupted sleep. 728 00:35:42,080 --> 00:35:44,719 Speaker 1: So something I love to do alone is go to 729 00:35:44,760 --> 00:35:46,000 Speaker 1: parties alone. 730 00:35:46,239 --> 00:35:48,680 Speaker 9: It's a great opportunity to chat with you know, those 731 00:35:48,719 --> 00:35:53,719 Speaker 9: acquaintance friends and meet new people. Something I love to 732 00:35:53,760 --> 00:35:57,160 Speaker 9: do on my own as a single person is recklessly, 733 00:35:57,640 --> 00:36:03,840 Speaker 9: unabashedly drink milkshake as a lectureus intolerant person. This is 734 00:36:03,960 --> 00:36:09,200 Speaker 9: a horrible idea, and I do it with abandon. 735 00:36:10,480 --> 00:36:13,480 Speaker 2: Let's end on that some inspiration for all of us 736 00:36:13,520 --> 00:36:16,520 Speaker 2: to go out into this scary world that at times 737 00:36:16,600 --> 00:36:20,080 Speaker 2: feels like it's solely built for couples and dare to 738 00:36:20,160 --> 00:36:24,680 Speaker 2: do it all on our own, well, not all alone. 739 00:36:25,280 --> 00:36:28,680 Speaker 2: I'm gonna invest in my friends, have my support system, 740 00:36:29,120 --> 00:36:31,719 Speaker 2: But right now I am going to go sit somewhere 741 00:36:32,080 --> 00:36:35,600 Speaker 2: in solitude and journal. Maybe I'll go see a movie. 742 00:36:36,000 --> 00:36:38,879 Speaker 2: Maybe I'll go grab dinner. Maybe I'll do all three 743 00:36:39,640 --> 00:36:42,760 Speaker 2: all by myself, And I hope you do the same. 744 00:36:43,920 --> 00:36:56,239 Speaker 1: Talk to you next week. Boysover is a production of 745 00:36:56,320 --> 00:36:59,200 Speaker 1: iHeart Podcasts. I'm your Host, Hope Ordered. 746 00:37:00,040 --> 00:37:03,840 Speaker 2: Executive producers are Christina Everett and Julie Pinero. 747 00:37:04,000 --> 00:37:05,760 Speaker 1: Our supervising producer. 748 00:37:05,320 --> 00:37:09,960 Speaker 2: Is Emily Meronoff engineering by Bahid Fraser and mixing and 749 00:37:10,040 --> 00:37:14,280 Speaker 2: mastering by Aboo Zafar. If you liked this episode, please 750 00:37:14,360 --> 00:37:16,920 Speaker 2: tell a friend and don't forget to rate, review, and 751 00:37:17,000 --> 00:37:21,120 Speaker 2: subscribe to boy Sober on the iHeartRadio app, Apple Podcasts, 752 00:37:21,160 --> 00:37:23,160 Speaker 2: and wherever you get your favorite shows.