1 00:00:04,400 --> 00:00:09,240 Speaker 1: Hello everybody, and welcome back to the Psychology of Your Twenties, 2 00:00:09,880 --> 00:00:12,240 Speaker 1: the podcast where we talk through some of the big 3 00:00:12,480 --> 00:00:16,840 Speaker 1: life changes and transitions of our twenties and what they 4 00:00:16,920 --> 00:00:22,200 Speaker 1: mean for our psychology. 5 00:00:22,880 --> 00:00:26,680 Speaker 2: Hello everybody, Welcome back to the show. Welcome back to 6 00:00:26,720 --> 00:00:30,639 Speaker 2: the podcast. New listeners, old listeners. Wherever you are in 7 00:00:30,680 --> 00:00:33,080 Speaker 2: the world, it is so great to have you here. 8 00:00:33,240 --> 00:00:36,800 Speaker 2: Back for another episode as we, of course break down 9 00:00:36,800 --> 00:00:42,120 Speaker 2: the psychology of our twenties. Today, I am introducing a 10 00:00:42,159 --> 00:00:46,120 Speaker 2: new kind of episode to the show, a shorter episode 11 00:00:46,120 --> 00:00:49,159 Speaker 2: than what you are probably used to, where we are 12 00:00:49,159 --> 00:00:54,080 Speaker 2: going to cover some core psychology principles, theories, concepts, or 13 00:00:54,080 --> 00:00:57,240 Speaker 2: studies that I think are interesting, that I think will 14 00:00:57,240 --> 00:01:01,480 Speaker 2: help us understand our twenties better, but which don't necessarily 15 00:01:02,360 --> 00:01:04,880 Speaker 2: have enough to say about them to be made into 16 00:01:04,920 --> 00:01:08,319 Speaker 2: a full forty five minute to an hour long episode. 17 00:01:08,360 --> 00:01:11,280 Speaker 2: And you guys know, I love to yap. I can talk. 18 00:01:12,080 --> 00:01:15,960 Speaker 2: I can talk until the sun goes down. But these 19 00:01:16,040 --> 00:01:18,479 Speaker 2: episodes are just going to be a little bit more 20 00:01:18,520 --> 00:01:22,840 Speaker 2: bite sized, a little bit smaller for your fifteen minute commute, 21 00:01:22,880 --> 00:01:26,039 Speaker 2: for your fifteen minute I don't know arm workout for 22 00:01:26,120 --> 00:01:28,399 Speaker 2: whatever you're doing. This is just going to be like 23 00:01:28,440 --> 00:01:31,600 Speaker 2: a more bite sized taste of our longer episodes, talking 24 00:01:31,600 --> 00:01:34,760 Speaker 2: about concepts that I still think deserve to be in 25 00:01:34,800 --> 00:01:38,760 Speaker 2: the Psychology of Your Twenties universe, but which just don't 26 00:01:38,760 --> 00:01:43,360 Speaker 2: have enough research to them quite yet. For our inaugural 27 00:01:43,440 --> 00:01:46,240 Speaker 2: Psychology by Ites bonus episode, I wanted to talk about 28 00:01:46,920 --> 00:01:49,960 Speaker 2: one of my favorite favorite theories that I've been trying 29 00:01:50,000 --> 00:01:53,080 Speaker 2: to make into a full length episode for years. Finally 30 00:01:53,120 --> 00:01:55,480 Speaker 2: she is having her time to shine. We are talking 31 00:01:55,520 --> 00:02:00,120 Speaker 2: about the triangular theory of love. Let's start with it's 32 00:02:00,280 --> 00:02:03,920 Speaker 2: very basic factual information. This theory was developed by the 33 00:02:03,960 --> 00:02:08,440 Speaker 2: psychologist Robert Sternberg, and it's not just about romantic love. 34 00:02:09,360 --> 00:02:13,280 Speaker 2: This theory is about how love forms, how it lasts, 35 00:02:13,520 --> 00:02:17,800 Speaker 2: how it changes, and it's about platonic intimacy. It's about 36 00:02:17,800 --> 00:02:23,600 Speaker 2: familiar intimacy. It's about commitment and the foundational reasons why 37 00:02:24,600 --> 00:02:26,960 Speaker 2: we feel drawn or connected to certain people, and what 38 00:02:27,080 --> 00:02:32,160 Speaker 2: makes a relationship consummate love, what makes a relationship a 39 00:02:32,280 --> 00:02:37,080 Speaker 2: kind of love that lasts. It is one theory in 40 00:02:37,160 --> 00:02:43,040 Speaker 2: a long line of theories trying to synthesize, explain, simplify, 41 00:02:43,240 --> 00:02:46,880 Speaker 2: categorize the thing that fascinates us more than anything else. 42 00:02:47,919 --> 00:02:51,400 Speaker 2: It's just one of many theories trying to get to 43 00:02:51,400 --> 00:02:54,000 Speaker 2: the bottom of what does love really mean? What is 44 00:02:54,040 --> 00:02:57,639 Speaker 2: this thing that we all experience or hope to experience. 45 00:02:58,440 --> 00:03:02,560 Speaker 2: Some other theories of note which you are maybe familiar with, 46 00:03:02,680 --> 00:03:06,320 Speaker 2: include things like attachment theory. Basically, that theory states that 47 00:03:06,400 --> 00:03:09,280 Speaker 2: how we love and are loved is based on the 48 00:03:09,360 --> 00:03:12,600 Speaker 2: love we received as children and how we were raised. 49 00:03:13,040 --> 00:03:16,800 Speaker 2: There's also the reward theory of attraction, which basically states 50 00:03:16,840 --> 00:03:19,240 Speaker 2: that we are drawn to people who make us feel 51 00:03:19,240 --> 00:03:23,960 Speaker 2: good about ourselves, and that reward inherent drivers within us 52 00:03:24,120 --> 00:03:28,800 Speaker 2: or inherent desires or needs within us. Another particularly famous 53 00:03:28,840 --> 00:03:33,399 Speaker 2: theory around love is John Allen Lee's color wheel theory 54 00:03:33,520 --> 00:03:38,240 Speaker 2: of love, which defines three primary, three secondary, and nine 55 00:03:38,760 --> 00:03:42,440 Speaker 2: tertiary types of love based on different combinations of feelings. 56 00:03:43,040 --> 00:03:47,880 Speaker 2: For example, ludos love, which is primarily driven by desire 57 00:03:47,920 --> 00:03:50,920 Speaker 2: to have fun and to tease, Pragma love, which is 58 00:03:51,000 --> 00:03:56,920 Speaker 2: a convenient kind of love, kinship love, friendship love. There's 59 00:03:56,920 --> 00:03:58,760 Speaker 2: a whole list that you can look up. We're not 60 00:03:58,800 --> 00:04:01,440 Speaker 2: talking about that today. It's just another one of many 61 00:04:01,520 --> 00:04:06,000 Speaker 2: theories in this kind of space. But the real one 62 00:04:06,000 --> 00:04:07,800 Speaker 2: that kind of shines through and that a lot of 63 00:04:07,800 --> 00:04:10,760 Speaker 2: people talk about is the triangular theory. This is probably 64 00:04:10,760 --> 00:04:13,120 Speaker 2: my favorite of all, which is of course why we 65 00:04:13,200 --> 00:04:16,440 Speaker 2: are doing an episode on it. So this theory is 66 00:04:16,520 --> 00:04:19,680 Speaker 2: almost forty years old now I think it's over forty 67 00:04:19,760 --> 00:04:22,960 Speaker 2: years old, sorry to say. And it suggests that we 68 00:04:23,080 --> 00:04:28,039 Speaker 2: can describe nearly all types and forms of love based 69 00:04:28,080 --> 00:04:33,719 Speaker 2: on three ingredients and their combination. The three ingredients for 70 00:04:33,800 --> 00:04:40,120 Speaker 2: any type of relationship are intimacy, passion, and commitment. Let's 71 00:04:40,160 --> 00:04:45,960 Speaker 2: break these down. Intimacy involves feelings of familiarity, closeness, connectedness, 72 00:04:46,040 --> 00:04:49,680 Speaker 2: a sense of similarity, shared hobbies, shared values, that kind 73 00:04:49,680 --> 00:04:56,000 Speaker 2: of thing. Passion involves deep desire, attraction, romance, feelings of 74 00:04:56,080 --> 00:04:59,839 Speaker 2: being swept off our feet. And commitment. Commitment means staying. 75 00:05:00,000 --> 00:05:03,320 Speaker 2: That means trust. It represents shared goals and unity even 76 00:05:03,360 --> 00:05:07,160 Speaker 2: in hard times. I like to explain this theory as 77 00:05:07,440 --> 00:05:09,760 Speaker 2: a theory that likes us to think of love like 78 00:05:10,520 --> 00:05:13,400 Speaker 2: a recipe for a cake. Depending on how much of 79 00:05:13,440 --> 00:05:17,599 Speaker 2: each of these ingredients you put into the cake, you're 80 00:05:17,640 --> 00:05:20,880 Speaker 2: going to get a different flavor, a different flavor of 81 00:05:20,960 --> 00:05:24,719 Speaker 2: cake that represents something different. It's still a cake. You're 82 00:05:24,800 --> 00:05:30,560 Speaker 2: just influencing the recipe so that something different comes out. Basically, 83 00:05:30,600 --> 00:05:32,479 Speaker 2: this theory, it describes love as a recipe and you 84 00:05:32,480 --> 00:05:34,960 Speaker 2: can make dozens of different things with just a few 85 00:05:35,040 --> 00:05:39,880 Speaker 2: variations of ingredients. This is my own kind of metaphor 86 00:05:39,920 --> 00:05:43,240 Speaker 2: for this theory. But the way Stoneberg represents this is 87 00:05:43,360 --> 00:05:46,000 Speaker 2: as a triangle. Obviously, it's called the triangular theory of 88 00:05:46,120 --> 00:05:51,240 Speaker 2: love and intimacy, passion and commitment are all points on 89 00:05:51,279 --> 00:05:55,560 Speaker 2: the triangle. Each point represents one type of love, but 90 00:05:55,720 --> 00:05:59,640 Speaker 2: so do the lines connecting those points and the center 91 00:05:59,680 --> 00:06:03,279 Speaker 2: point of the triangle as well. I know it's quite visual, 92 00:06:03,360 --> 00:06:05,640 Speaker 2: but I think giving you some combinations might help you 93 00:06:05,760 --> 00:06:08,760 Speaker 2: understand this a little bit easier. On one side of 94 00:06:08,800 --> 00:06:12,000 Speaker 2: the triangle, at one point, we have passion, and if 95 00:06:12,040 --> 00:06:15,159 Speaker 2: a relationship only has passion, it's a very simple kind 96 00:06:15,160 --> 00:06:20,240 Speaker 2: of cake. It's infatuation, it's limerens. It's one side, and 97 00:06:20,279 --> 00:06:23,400 Speaker 2: perhaps it's purely sexual in nature. It's driven by feeling 98 00:06:23,600 --> 00:06:26,920 Speaker 2: longing and you know the thing that we want the 99 00:06:26,960 --> 00:06:29,320 Speaker 2: most in the present, which is this other person. But 100 00:06:29,360 --> 00:06:32,080 Speaker 2: it doesn't have intimacy, it doesn't have commitment. It's the 101 00:06:32,120 --> 00:06:35,719 Speaker 2: simple cake. It's the passionate cake. If you only have commitment. 102 00:06:36,240 --> 00:06:39,479 Speaker 2: On the other side of the triangle, you have empty love. Yes, 103 00:06:39,560 --> 00:06:42,040 Speaker 2: you are loyal to one another, but romance and passion 104 00:06:42,160 --> 00:06:45,960 Speaker 2: and intimacy have faded. You don't have that organic closeness. 105 00:06:46,680 --> 00:06:49,080 Speaker 2: Think you know people who have stayed married for the kids, 106 00:06:49,200 --> 00:06:52,640 Speaker 2: even when all else is faded. You know there is 107 00:06:52,680 --> 00:06:56,200 Speaker 2: still a kind of love there, but it's not the 108 00:06:56,200 --> 00:07:00,640 Speaker 2: same as what they had. We also have purely intimacy. 109 00:07:00,720 --> 00:07:03,880 Speaker 2: So intimacy is the other kind of part of the triangle, 110 00:07:04,040 --> 00:07:07,120 Speaker 2: and that is like friendship. If you're just intimate with 111 00:07:07,160 --> 00:07:09,760 Speaker 2: someone and you just have closeness or familiarity, but you 112 00:07:09,800 --> 00:07:12,840 Speaker 2: don't have romance or commitment, you guys are just friends. 113 00:07:13,040 --> 00:07:17,560 Speaker 2: So three different kinds of love. Now for our combos. 114 00:07:17,600 --> 00:07:20,600 Speaker 2: You guys, ready, If you have intimacy and passion, you 115 00:07:20,640 --> 00:07:23,720 Speaker 2: have romantic love. You're dating. It's like the early months 116 00:07:23,800 --> 00:07:26,120 Speaker 2: or the early maybe years. You don't know if you're 117 00:07:26,120 --> 00:07:27,360 Speaker 2: going to go to the distance, but you're having a 118 00:07:27,400 --> 00:07:30,320 Speaker 2: really great time and you feel really close and comfortable 119 00:07:30,360 --> 00:07:32,800 Speaker 2: and like in love with this person. If you have 120 00:07:33,360 --> 00:07:37,040 Speaker 2: intimacy and commitment, you have companion love. And this can 121 00:07:37,080 --> 00:07:39,920 Speaker 2: also be platonic think those like lifelong friends who like 122 00:07:39,920 --> 00:07:43,200 Speaker 2: live with each other in their sixties. Think people who 123 00:07:43,640 --> 00:07:46,000 Speaker 2: are older and they no longer have the same sexual 124 00:07:46,040 --> 00:07:48,600 Speaker 2: feelings for each other, but they're still all in on 125 00:07:48,640 --> 00:07:52,480 Speaker 2: their relationship. Their love. These kinds of love is they're 126 00:07:52,560 --> 00:07:54,280 Speaker 2: just as real as any other kind of love. It 127 00:07:54,360 --> 00:07:59,160 Speaker 2: just doesn't have that other ingredient to the relationship that 128 00:08:00,080 --> 00:08:03,200 Speaker 2: Sternberg says creates consummate love. It doesn't mean it's any 129 00:08:03,360 --> 00:08:09,440 Speaker 2: less meaningful. Fatuous love is when we have passion and commitment. 130 00:08:09,560 --> 00:08:12,800 Speaker 2: It's incredibly rare because it doesn't have intimacy, which you 131 00:08:12,880 --> 00:08:17,240 Speaker 2: think would be needed to connect those two things. Think 132 00:08:17,360 --> 00:08:21,240 Speaker 2: like whirlwind courtships, people who get married after a few weeks. 133 00:08:21,960 --> 00:08:24,240 Speaker 2: They have passion, sorry, and they have commitment. They don't 134 00:08:24,240 --> 00:08:27,240 Speaker 2: have intimacy. There's no real bond there yet, but we 135 00:08:27,280 --> 00:08:30,480 Speaker 2: would hope it would develop over time. Again, super rare. 136 00:08:30,800 --> 00:08:34,840 Speaker 2: Probably the most rare version or combination, and finally, the 137 00:08:34,880 --> 00:08:38,000 Speaker 2: one we've been talking about this whole time, consummate love. 138 00:08:38,600 --> 00:08:41,640 Speaker 2: This is described by this theory as the complete form 139 00:08:41,760 --> 00:08:46,080 Speaker 2: of love, representing the ideal romantic relationship that we are 140 00:08:46,120 --> 00:08:51,400 Speaker 2: all striving for. We have intimacy, passion, and commitment combined. 141 00:08:51,520 --> 00:08:55,839 Speaker 2: This is the center of the triangle. Now, some things 142 00:08:55,880 --> 00:09:00,680 Speaker 2: to dispel about consummate love. It's wonderful, beautiful, it's what 143 00:09:00,679 --> 00:09:04,000 Speaker 2: we all strive for. It might not always last. This 144 00:09:04,160 --> 00:09:06,600 Speaker 2: theory is not saying that once you have this thing, 145 00:09:07,400 --> 00:09:10,680 Speaker 2: you have the perfect relationship. Having it for a certain 146 00:09:10,760 --> 00:09:13,760 Speaker 2: period doesn't mean you're entitled to it forever. In fact, 147 00:09:14,240 --> 00:09:17,520 Speaker 2: there's actually this urban myth going around that the reason 148 00:09:17,559 --> 00:09:22,400 Speaker 2: Sternberg was so obsessed with theorizing about love was because 149 00:09:22,440 --> 00:09:25,200 Speaker 2: he kept getting divorced and he wanted to know why 150 00:09:25,240 --> 00:09:28,240 Speaker 2: the triangle kept collapsing in for him. But yes, it 151 00:09:28,320 --> 00:09:31,080 Speaker 2: is a little bit of an urban myth. But you know, 152 00:09:31,160 --> 00:09:34,640 Speaker 2: based on his own personal experience, he does caution in 153 00:09:34,720 --> 00:09:39,400 Speaker 2: his papers on this subject that maintaining consummate love maybe 154 00:09:39,960 --> 00:09:44,040 Speaker 2: harder than just achieving it. You know, he really does 155 00:09:44,120 --> 00:09:48,319 Speaker 2: stress that these are just all these components are important. 156 00:09:48,360 --> 00:09:51,959 Speaker 2: Having intimacy, having passion, having commitment are important, but they 157 00:09:51,960 --> 00:09:55,439 Speaker 2: are just the beginning. You have to translate those components 158 00:09:55,440 --> 00:09:59,400 Speaker 2: of love into action. Without expression, even the greatest of 159 00:09:59,520 --> 00:10:03,600 Speaker 2: loves can die. And I think that's a really important message, 160 00:10:03,640 --> 00:10:07,320 Speaker 2: not just for people in the twenties, but of any age. 161 00:10:07,520 --> 00:10:10,040 Speaker 2: If you have a love that you want to last, 162 00:10:10,559 --> 00:10:13,920 Speaker 2: you have to understand that love, especially the triangular theory 163 00:10:13,960 --> 00:10:17,920 Speaker 2: of love makes it so that this is also a verb. 164 00:10:18,400 --> 00:10:21,200 Speaker 2: This is something that we act on. I think there's 165 00:10:21,240 --> 00:10:23,520 Speaker 2: this idea that like, when you meet the right person, 166 00:10:23,559 --> 00:10:26,200 Speaker 2: you just know and it should feel easy. And this 167 00:10:26,360 --> 00:10:29,280 Speaker 2: theory says that, yes, you may have everything you need 168 00:10:29,320 --> 00:10:32,240 Speaker 2: to experience consummate love in the beginning, but it is 169 00:10:32,280 --> 00:10:35,240 Speaker 2: not just the sum of its parts. You have to 170 00:10:35,320 --> 00:10:37,920 Speaker 2: work for it. And the reason I really love this 171 00:10:38,000 --> 00:10:40,559 Speaker 2: theory is because it doesn't think of love as stationary. 172 00:10:41,160 --> 00:10:43,960 Speaker 2: It actually allows us to explain how love goes through 173 00:10:44,080 --> 00:10:46,680 Speaker 2: many stages. We're going to take a short break, but 174 00:10:46,960 --> 00:10:49,880 Speaker 2: when we return, I want to discuss what these stages 175 00:10:49,920 --> 00:10:58,640 Speaker 2: actually are. So, like I said before, the triangular theory 176 00:10:58,679 --> 00:11:02,240 Speaker 2: of love likes to be explain how love goes through stages. 177 00:11:02,960 --> 00:11:06,520 Speaker 2: It likes to kind of suggest that we begin with 178 00:11:06,600 --> 00:11:11,360 Speaker 2: either passion or intimacy, then we gain the other, and 179 00:11:11,400 --> 00:11:15,880 Speaker 2: then finally we have commitment. So at any given stage 180 00:11:15,880 --> 00:11:18,800 Speaker 2: in a relationship, you can kind of place where someone 181 00:11:18,920 --> 00:11:22,680 Speaker 2: is in the timeline of love by looking at where 182 00:11:22,679 --> 00:11:26,120 Speaker 2: they sit on this triangle. If they're in the beginning stages, 183 00:11:26,200 --> 00:11:29,079 Speaker 2: they might just have passion. If they're in the middle 184 00:11:29,080 --> 00:11:32,040 Speaker 2: stage of their relationship, they might have passion and intimacy. 185 00:11:32,520 --> 00:11:35,400 Speaker 2: If they're in the consummate stage, they have passion, intimacy, 186 00:11:35,440 --> 00:11:39,319 Speaker 2: and commitment. But then as you maybe go further along 187 00:11:39,320 --> 00:11:42,840 Speaker 2: on your relationship, you might lose the passion and just 188 00:11:42,880 --> 00:11:45,720 Speaker 2: have commitment and intimacy, And then you might lose the 189 00:11:45,720 --> 00:11:48,600 Speaker 2: intimacy and just have commitment, and then you might lose 190 00:11:48,640 --> 00:11:52,920 Speaker 2: the commitment and have nothing. It also describes some of 191 00:11:52,920 --> 00:11:58,880 Speaker 2: the relationships that happen in between, like situationships, like affairs. 192 00:11:59,360 --> 00:12:04,160 Speaker 2: It describes friendships, It describes people who stay for the kids. 193 00:12:04,320 --> 00:12:06,960 Speaker 2: It describes you know, the people that you meet in 194 00:12:07,000 --> 00:12:09,600 Speaker 2: those brief moments, maybe only for a couple of hours 195 00:12:09,679 --> 00:12:11,440 Speaker 2: or for a week, and you never see them again. 196 00:12:12,120 --> 00:12:16,600 Speaker 2: You have this brilliant, beautiful moment. Basically, I like that 197 00:12:17,160 --> 00:12:19,839 Speaker 2: it doesn't show love as this static thing or as 198 00:12:19,920 --> 00:12:25,040 Speaker 2: this you know, singular kind of thing. I also like that, 199 00:12:25,240 --> 00:12:27,200 Speaker 2: for a theory, and a rather dated one at that 200 00:12:27,520 --> 00:12:29,880 Speaker 2: it actually has a lot of real world application and 201 00:12:29,960 --> 00:12:33,200 Speaker 2: modern day evidence. For example, a twenty twenty study looked 202 00:12:33,200 --> 00:12:36,000 Speaker 2: at the application of this theory in twenty five countries 203 00:12:36,080 --> 00:12:41,079 Speaker 2: from all inhabited continents. It had over eleven thousand respondents, 204 00:12:41,080 --> 00:12:44,400 Speaker 2: and it found that, yes, this theory actually does hold 205 00:12:44,480 --> 00:12:48,280 Speaker 2: up under many different contexts and in many different cultures. 206 00:12:48,960 --> 00:12:52,000 Speaker 2: This theory of love does represent many of the kinds 207 00:12:52,040 --> 00:12:56,720 Speaker 2: of relationships that people will experience and go through. Another 208 00:12:56,760 --> 00:12:59,080 Speaker 2: reason I like this theory is because it can kind 209 00:12:59,080 --> 00:13:02,400 Speaker 2: of act as a litmus test for whether the relationship 210 00:13:02,440 --> 00:13:05,920 Speaker 2: you're in is fulfilling all that you want it to fulfill. 211 00:13:06,760 --> 00:13:09,200 Speaker 2: I think in our twenties we encounter a lot of 212 00:13:09,240 --> 00:13:11,880 Speaker 2: half baked relationships and we go back and forth on 213 00:13:12,480 --> 00:13:14,800 Speaker 2: is this person right? Is this relationship right or not? 214 00:13:14,800 --> 00:13:17,800 Speaker 2: Should we stay? Should we go? And this is a 215 00:13:17,840 --> 00:13:21,679 Speaker 2: great way of kind of analyzing our relationship and saying, okay, 216 00:13:21,679 --> 00:13:24,679 Speaker 2: but do we have intimacy? Do we have passion? Do 217 00:13:24,720 --> 00:13:28,960 Speaker 2: we have commitment? If I seriously look at my relationship 218 00:13:28,960 --> 00:13:32,199 Speaker 2: and it's missing one of these things, well, I actually 219 00:13:32,280 --> 00:13:35,080 Speaker 2: don't have consummate love, as much as I might feel 220 00:13:35,120 --> 00:13:37,760 Speaker 2: like I have some kind of love. The thing is, 221 00:13:37,800 --> 00:13:39,959 Speaker 2: you probably do have some kind of love, but is 222 00:13:40,040 --> 00:13:42,560 Speaker 2: it the kind of love that you expect and that 223 00:13:42,600 --> 00:13:45,720 Speaker 2: you want that will fulfill all three of these needs 224 00:13:45,720 --> 00:13:49,240 Speaker 2: for you. Now, something you may have noticed is that 225 00:13:49,880 --> 00:13:53,880 Speaker 2: whilst the triangular theory of love is definitely a good start, 226 00:13:54,440 --> 00:13:57,280 Speaker 2: it is kind of missing some things. It's definitely got 227 00:13:57,280 --> 00:14:00,560 Speaker 2: the foundations down pat it's definitely stripped love to its 228 00:14:00,640 --> 00:14:05,280 Speaker 2: very bare scientific stumps. But some researchers have remarked that 229 00:14:05,920 --> 00:14:09,400 Speaker 2: it doesn't talk about culture. It doesn't really talk about 230 00:14:09,600 --> 00:14:13,600 Speaker 2: the context in which a relationship is taking place. It 231 00:14:13,679 --> 00:14:17,520 Speaker 2: treats the love between two people as if it's occurring 232 00:14:17,559 --> 00:14:21,360 Speaker 2: in a vacuum. It doesn't include things like family expectations. 233 00:14:21,400 --> 00:14:28,160 Speaker 2: It doesn't include things like values, religion, money, other circumstances 234 00:14:28,160 --> 00:14:31,880 Speaker 2: that are keeping people apart. All these things do impact 235 00:14:32,360 --> 00:14:35,880 Speaker 2: whether love lasts, and where we sit on the triangle. 236 00:14:36,600 --> 00:14:41,720 Speaker 2: I think favorable or unfavorable circumstances or the practicality of 237 00:14:41,800 --> 00:14:45,040 Speaker 2: one's love should also be a factor as to whether 238 00:14:45,120 --> 00:14:49,440 Speaker 2: a consummate love will be achieved or will last. But again, 239 00:14:49,520 --> 00:14:52,320 Speaker 2: I think this theory doesn't claim to have predictive powers 240 00:14:52,360 --> 00:14:55,120 Speaker 2: over whether a love will last, you know, so we 241 00:14:55,200 --> 00:14:57,760 Speaker 2: can't ask from it more than it wants to give. 242 00:14:58,320 --> 00:15:01,120 Speaker 2: It kind of just gives the ingredient which will cause 243 00:15:01,160 --> 00:15:03,920 Speaker 2: it to form. So again, maybe I'm asking a little 244 00:15:03,960 --> 00:15:08,200 Speaker 2: bit too much from a scientific theory, but it's still 245 00:15:08,240 --> 00:15:11,840 Speaker 2: something to think about. Another criticism is that it doesn't 246 00:15:11,920 --> 00:15:17,080 Speaker 2: specify whether multiple consummate loves can occur at the same time. 247 00:15:17,600 --> 00:15:21,840 Speaker 2: You know, people in polyamorous relationships, for example, would claim 248 00:15:21,880 --> 00:15:26,280 Speaker 2: that that can occur. But this is an old model 249 00:15:26,480 --> 00:15:31,600 Speaker 2: and it doesn't kind of include or represent some of 250 00:15:31,640 --> 00:15:35,520 Speaker 2: the newer forms of love that we are experiencing or 251 00:15:36,040 --> 00:15:40,239 Speaker 2: seeing in the modern day, especially since it was first 252 00:15:40,600 --> 00:15:43,920 Speaker 2: created founded in the eighties when there was definitely a 253 00:15:43,920 --> 00:15:47,800 Speaker 2: lot of love that wasn't socially acceptable or talked about, 254 00:15:48,120 --> 00:15:52,480 Speaker 2: but was still valid. Finally, and this is the biggest 255 00:15:52,520 --> 00:15:56,520 Speaker 2: issue I find with this theory. It doesn't cover whether 256 00:15:56,600 --> 00:16:00,480 Speaker 2: one person can be in consummate love and another person 257 00:16:00,760 --> 00:16:04,480 Speaker 2: just being passionate love or fatuous love or empty love 258 00:16:04,600 --> 00:16:08,760 Speaker 2: at the same time. It doesn't explain or provide an 259 00:16:08,800 --> 00:16:12,600 Speaker 2: explanation as to whether two people in the same relationship 260 00:16:13,200 --> 00:16:17,040 Speaker 2: can actually be at different spots on the triangle. What 261 00:16:17,240 --> 00:16:20,200 Speaker 2: kind of love is occurring then, do both people have 262 00:16:20,280 --> 00:16:23,520 Speaker 2: to be experiencing the same combination for the love to 263 00:16:23,560 --> 00:16:26,440 Speaker 2: be that thing, or could you have consummate love on 264 00:16:26,440 --> 00:16:29,400 Speaker 2: one end fatuous love on the other and does that 265 00:16:29,440 --> 00:16:32,600 Speaker 2: still count as a kind of love? You know, this 266 00:16:32,680 --> 00:16:35,280 Speaker 2: theory is very one dimensional, right, It is literally a 267 00:16:35,320 --> 00:16:37,880 Speaker 2: two D triangle. Look it up you'll see what I'm 268 00:16:37,920 --> 00:16:42,040 Speaker 2: talking about. But the feelings we feel towards someone at 269 00:16:42,080 --> 00:16:45,720 Speaker 2: any given moment are multidirectional, and they are four D, 270 00:16:45,920 --> 00:16:49,240 Speaker 2: five D, six D, and they are complex. You can 271 00:16:49,320 --> 00:16:52,680 Speaker 2: have all three ingredients and still not be able to 272 00:16:52,720 --> 00:16:55,800 Speaker 2: be together because you know it won't work, or because 273 00:16:56,320 --> 00:16:59,720 Speaker 2: keeps distance keeps you apart, or because there's another factor 274 00:16:59,720 --> 00:17:03,160 Speaker 2: here isn't being explained by this model. And you know 275 00:17:03,200 --> 00:17:07,080 Speaker 2: what about people with relationship anxiety? Where do everyday doubts 276 00:17:07,080 --> 00:17:11,320 Speaker 2: about our relationship fit into this? Does having doubts mean 277 00:17:11,880 --> 00:17:14,960 Speaker 2: you can never be in consummate love? I don't think so. 278 00:17:15,000 --> 00:17:17,120 Speaker 2: I think it's a very natural part of a relationship. 279 00:17:17,720 --> 00:17:20,080 Speaker 2: And this is just another reminder that a theory is 280 00:17:20,119 --> 00:17:24,000 Speaker 2: not a full It's not going to provide the full picture. 281 00:17:24,080 --> 00:17:27,760 Speaker 2: It's not going to explain everything. It's just a theory. 282 00:17:27,800 --> 00:17:30,960 Speaker 2: This is where the quadruple theory of love comes in, 283 00:17:31,280 --> 00:17:34,800 Speaker 2: which has expanded on the triangular theory of love to 284 00:17:34,880 --> 00:17:38,199 Speaker 2: kind of give it some more texture. The quadruple theory 285 00:17:38,400 --> 00:17:41,720 Speaker 2: was first introduced in twenty twenty, so a long time 286 00:17:41,760 --> 00:17:46,440 Speaker 2: after the triangular theory. It's much newer, and it proposes 287 00:17:46,480 --> 00:17:50,840 Speaker 2: that love is built on attraction, connection slash, resonance, trust, 288 00:17:51,080 --> 00:17:55,920 Speaker 2: and respect. This model, I think, describes how love develops 289 00:17:55,960 --> 00:17:59,600 Speaker 2: over time much better. It also allows for more types 290 00:17:59,680 --> 00:18:03,520 Speaker 2: of love to be analyzed since it has that fourth factor. 291 00:18:04,560 --> 00:18:08,320 Speaker 2: I think it allows for parental love, love between friends, 292 00:18:08,359 --> 00:18:12,879 Speaker 2: polyamorous love to fit into this model. And I like 293 00:18:12,960 --> 00:18:16,640 Speaker 2: that it also includes resonance and trust rather than just commitment, 294 00:18:16,720 --> 00:18:19,720 Speaker 2: because you can be committed in a very basic way 295 00:18:19,800 --> 00:18:22,720 Speaker 2: and still not trust the person you're with or have 296 00:18:22,800 --> 00:18:25,000 Speaker 2: respect for them. So I think that this does go 297 00:18:25,160 --> 00:18:29,240 Speaker 2: deeper into the complex factors and the human emotion of 298 00:18:29,280 --> 00:18:34,239 Speaker 2: it all. It also describes the love cycle in a 299 00:18:34,359 --> 00:18:39,400 Speaker 2: more I think, a less stagnant way. If you want 300 00:18:39,440 --> 00:18:42,640 Speaker 2: to look up the quadruple theory of love, it actually 301 00:18:42,640 --> 00:18:45,720 Speaker 2: has a model and a visual representation for the love 302 00:18:45,800 --> 00:18:49,000 Speaker 2: cycle it describes, which I think is a lot more 303 00:18:49,040 --> 00:18:52,280 Speaker 2: comprehensive and beautiful. I think it's less of a black 304 00:18:52,320 --> 00:18:55,040 Speaker 2: and white model as well, which I love. But yes, 305 00:18:55,119 --> 00:18:56,840 Speaker 2: this is a very new theory. It doesn't have as 306 00:18:56,920 --> 00:19:01,040 Speaker 2: much evidence, but I do. I think a combination of 307 00:19:01,080 --> 00:19:03,920 Speaker 2: the triangular and the quadruple theory would give us a 308 00:19:04,000 --> 00:19:11,240 Speaker 2: much more complete version of what love looks like as humans. 309 00:19:11,640 --> 00:19:15,239 Speaker 2: But I want to know, do you think that with 310 00:19:15,320 --> 00:19:19,840 Speaker 2: all this conversation about theories, love could ever actually ever 311 00:19:19,920 --> 00:19:26,159 Speaker 2: be fully explained by a model or by a theory 312 00:19:26,280 --> 00:19:30,960 Speaker 2: like these ones. Our researchers and psychologists just trying too 313 00:19:31,040 --> 00:19:34,480 Speaker 2: hard to categorize something that can't be categorized. That's the 314 00:19:34,520 --> 00:19:37,359 Speaker 2: big question I keep coming back to. At least, if 315 00:19:38,320 --> 00:19:41,880 Speaker 2: we know every and any theory will be an oversimplification 316 00:19:42,000 --> 00:19:45,040 Speaker 2: in some way or exclude some kind of love in 317 00:19:45,080 --> 00:19:49,120 Speaker 2: another way, why do we keep attempting to create these models? 318 00:19:49,359 --> 00:19:51,560 Speaker 2: And is love something that really needs to be studied 319 00:19:51,640 --> 00:19:55,320 Speaker 2: or graphed or can it only ever just be experienced 320 00:19:55,400 --> 00:19:59,280 Speaker 2: and that unique experience is as comprehensive as we may 321 00:19:59,400 --> 00:20:03,200 Speaker 2: ever make of it. I don't know. I go back 322 00:20:03,200 --> 00:20:06,919 Speaker 2: and forth. I really love looking into these theories, but 323 00:20:06,960 --> 00:20:09,600 Speaker 2: sometimes I'm like, You're just never gonna It's never gonna 324 00:20:09,640 --> 00:20:12,800 Speaker 2: be the full picture, so why even try? But I 325 00:20:12,840 --> 00:20:15,199 Speaker 2: guess they would say that trying is what gets us 326 00:20:15,240 --> 00:20:17,639 Speaker 2: as close as we can be. I also know that 327 00:20:17,680 --> 00:20:21,200 Speaker 2: when I was in my previous relationships, this model did 328 00:20:21,240 --> 00:20:24,840 Speaker 2: help me understand what was missing. So it does really 329 00:20:24,920 --> 00:20:28,600 Speaker 2: help in those ways, and it does give words to 330 00:20:28,840 --> 00:20:31,240 Speaker 2: a feeling. But I want to know what you think. 331 00:20:31,400 --> 00:20:34,120 Speaker 2: Drop a comment below, tell me how you feel, tell 332 00:20:34,119 --> 00:20:35,840 Speaker 2: me whether you think this is a good theory a 333 00:20:35,880 --> 00:20:39,960 Speaker 2: bad theory, and also give me some suggestions for some 334 00:20:40,080 --> 00:20:42,520 Speaker 2: other theories you think I should cover. I really want 335 00:20:42,560 --> 00:20:45,479 Speaker 2: to do an episode another Psychology by its bonus episode 336 00:20:45,560 --> 00:20:48,919 Speaker 2: on personality tests, whether they're a myth or not. I 337 00:20:48,960 --> 00:20:52,800 Speaker 2: really want to talk about narcissism, sociopathy, all of those 338 00:20:52,840 --> 00:20:54,880 Speaker 2: things concepts that I think are talked about a lot, 339 00:20:54,920 --> 00:20:58,159 Speaker 2: but which you know we may not have the depth 340 00:20:58,200 --> 00:21:01,840 Speaker 2: of knowledge on them that we should have. So I 341 00:21:01,840 --> 00:21:03,800 Speaker 2: would love to hear your ideas. And I want to 342 00:21:03,840 --> 00:21:06,359 Speaker 2: thank you for listening to this smaller episode. Tell me 343 00:21:06,400 --> 00:21:08,520 Speaker 2: what you think, tell me if you like it, make 344 00:21:08,560 --> 00:21:11,080 Speaker 2: sure to share it with a friend if you think 345 00:21:11,119 --> 00:21:14,560 Speaker 2: they would enjoy it as well, and yeah, follow us 346 00:21:14,600 --> 00:21:16,679 Speaker 2: along whatever you are listening. So you get more content 347 00:21:16,800 --> 00:21:19,000 Speaker 2: like this in your feed. Give us a five star 348 00:21:19,040 --> 00:21:21,520 Speaker 2: review only if you feel cold to do so, and 349 00:21:21,600 --> 00:21:23,520 Speaker 2: I always forget to say this, but follow me on 350 00:21:23,560 --> 00:21:26,800 Speaker 2: Instagram at that Psychology podcast if you want to see 351 00:21:27,080 --> 00:21:31,240 Speaker 2: some behind the scenes stuff, some like simplified breakdowns of 352 00:21:31,280 --> 00:21:33,600 Speaker 2: these topics. If you want to be able to chat 353 00:21:33,640 --> 00:21:36,200 Speaker 2: more with me about these episodes, I'd love to hear 354 00:21:36,240 --> 00:21:38,960 Speaker 2: from you. Until next time, thanks for tuning in. Stay safe, 355 00:21:39,080 --> 00:21:42,159 Speaker 2: be kind, be gentle with yourself. We will talk very 356 00:21:42,240 --> 00:21:42,680 Speaker 2: very soon.