WEBVTT - Work in Progress: Whitney Cummings

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<v Speaker 1>Hi, everyone, It's Sophia. Welcome to Work in Progress. Hey

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<v Speaker 1>Whipsmarti's one of our favorite early guests, is back on

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<v Speaker 1>the podcast today. We are joined by none other than

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<v Speaker 1>award winning comedian and Whitney Cummings. You know her for

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<v Speaker 1>her bold, observational humor, and currently she is on the

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<v Speaker 1>road with her Big Baby North America Tour, exploring some

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<v Speaker 1>pretty signature themes of relationships, gender dynamics, and modern dating

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<v Speaker 1>from a very new perspective that includes being a mom,

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<v Speaker 1>what it's like to age, and societal expectations of all

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<v Speaker 1>those things. She has so many great stories and laughs

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<v Speaker 1>and so much wisdom to share, and I'm just so

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<v Speaker 1>thrilled that she is here today. So let's dive in.

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<v Speaker 1>I'm so happy to have you back. I feel like

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<v Speaker 1>we had the best conversation. You were one of my

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<v Speaker 1>first guests on the pod in twenty nineteen. We made

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<v Speaker 1>all these plans to hang out and ride horses, and

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<v Speaker 1>then the world shut down, and I was like, Oh,

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<v Speaker 1>I guess I'm just never going to be social again.

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<v Speaker 1>But I feel like we're getting We're getting back to

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<v Speaker 1>it now.

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<v Speaker 2>I also think, I mean, this might be a hot take,

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<v Speaker 2>but like we do also get to socialize for public consumption,

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<v Speaker 2>which is slightly toxic but also radically feminist to just

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<v Speaker 2>monetize our friendships like everyone's too busy whatever. I mean,

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<v Speaker 2>it is funny because whenever I hang out with a

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<v Speaker 2>girlfriend of mine or run into a female comic friend

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<v Speaker 2>of mine at the comedy store, it's always like ten

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<v Speaker 2>minutes in to where they're like, shitd you want a pod?

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<v Speaker 2>Like like, why are we doing this for free?

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<v Speaker 1>Oh my god, I'm obsessed. We were just saying we

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<v Speaker 1>were getting the camera set up for this and it

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<v Speaker 1>was a little wide, and they were like, oh, well

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<v Speaker 1>we can see your feet on the couch. I was like, no, no,

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<v Speaker 1>free feet.

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<v Speaker 2>That was so funny.

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<v Speaker 1>No one gets free feet, And you're right, no one.

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<v Speaker 1>No one should get free free hangs either. I guess yes.

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<v Speaker 2>It's like women make money from, you know, exploiting their bodies.

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<v Speaker 2>We exploit our personalities and vulnerabilities and personal lives.

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<v Speaker 1>I'll take it. I'll take it. We'll talk about I

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<v Speaker 1>mean changes in personal lives for both of us. Hello,

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<v Speaker 1>you have a baby.

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<v Speaker 2>I have a baby.

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<v Speaker 1>As being a mom, well, the.

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<v Speaker 2>Good news is currently my toddler gets along well with

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<v Speaker 2>my inner child.

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<v Speaker 1>Okay, great.

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<v Speaker 2>The concern was that they is my inner child and

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<v Speaker 2>my actual child gonna get along, and they do. It's

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<v Speaker 2>a trip. I mean, look, I don't have to tell you,

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<v Speaker 2>like I just always thought, in order to have a kid,

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<v Speaker 2>you have to have the guy. And so my brain, like,

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<v Speaker 2>you know, just this socially constructed timeline. Even though half

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<v Speaker 2>the people in my life at least got the guy,

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<v Speaker 2>then the kid then broke up with the guy, but

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<v Speaker 2>I was still going, I got to get the guy first,

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<v Speaker 2>even though there was very little proof that that was

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<v Speaker 2>a working formula, right or anyone. And I froze my

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<v Speaker 2>eggs when I was thirty three. Highly recommend whenever anyone

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<v Speaker 2>asks me for advice about literally anything, I just go.

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<v Speaker 2>Don't ask your parents for a trip to Italy when

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<v Speaker 2>you graduate, or those shoes or that purse. Just go

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<v Speaker 2>freeze your eggs. It's like an insurance policy. You get

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<v Speaker 2>car insurance. The goal is you never actually get in

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<v Speaker 2>a car accident. Just put your on ice. For many reasons,

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<v Speaker 2>because I did find myself doing this math, you know

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<v Speaker 2>of like, Okay, I'm thirty two, I'm dating this guy,

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<v Speaker 2>all right, so we have a year before we'd and

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<v Speaker 2>then a year would take a year to get pregnant.

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<v Speaker 2>And then I'm like dating guy with a chain wallet

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<v Speaker 2>because I'm lowering my bar over and over. Like I

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<v Speaker 2>guess I just have to date a guy who wears

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<v Speaker 2>a rope as a belt, all right, you know, because

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<v Speaker 2>you start doing the math of like the cutoff, they

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<v Speaker 2>start calling it a geriatric pregnanc Yet thirty five they

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<v Speaker 2>say you're sane.

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<v Speaker 1>It's like insane.

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<v Speaker 2>Seventy five year old Smithers told me I was having

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<v Speaker 2>a geriatric So I was kind of like, I guess

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<v Speaker 2>I'm never gonna have a kid. I guess I'm gonna adopt.

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<v Speaker 2>I did kind of for a while because you know,

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<v Speaker 2>this year, like this too, I rescue animals, and I

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<v Speaker 2>was like, maybe I should adopt, Like is having your

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<v Speaker 2>own kid kind of like getting a dog from a

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<v Speaker 2>breeder at this point, like I should be adopting. There's

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<v Speaker 2>so many kids who needs homes. And then I went

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<v Speaker 2>through pretty hardcore grief after the pandemic, which all of

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<v Speaker 2>us just scrambled our brains. I did experiment with edibles

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<v Speaker 2>during the pandemic. Oh wasn't a match for my brain. Okay,

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<v Speaker 2>so was making a lot of bad choices in the

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<v Speaker 2>romantic area.

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<v Speaker 1>I did that too, It's okay, yeah, I.

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<v Speaker 2>Mean it was just like two edibles and I'm dating

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<v Speaker 2>a rock climber, like should we'd be legal? Unclear? And

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<v Speaker 2>also a bigger thing is I was on birth control,

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<v Speaker 2>which I was on for migraines. I think, uh, you know,

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<v Speaker 2>I got these date piercings, the piercings on the inside

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<v Speaker 2>of here on both sides.

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<v Speaker 1>Does it help?

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<v Speaker 2>Placibo effect is an effect, So if that's why it works, fine,

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<v Speaker 2>sixty percent effective. I'm obsessed with opening a medical practice

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<v Speaker 2>that's just placebo effect because placebo effect is actually higher

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<v Speaker 2>than the effect of most yes drugs.

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<v Speaker 1>Wow, it's kind of a genius idea.

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<v Speaker 2>And so I was on birth control, which there's all

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<v Speaker 2>this sort of look I'm the first person to poke

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<v Speaker 2>holes and like research but showing that when you're on

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<v Speaker 2>birth control you're attracted to a different kind of partner

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<v Speaker 2>because you smell pheromones differently. Your body thinks it's you know,

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<v Speaker 2>so you're attracted to a different kind of person. They

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<v Speaker 2>say that if you're going to get married, get engaged,

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<v Speaker 2>go off birth control for a year before you get

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<v Speaker 2>the government involved. To me, make sure that you're still

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<v Speaker 2>attracted to that person.

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<v Speaker 1>Wow.

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<v Speaker 2>So I went off birth control, I went off prozac

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<v Speaker 2>in my like grief, I just forgot to take it all,

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<v Speaker 2>you know. And and I was hanging out with this awesome,

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<v Speaker 2>awesome guy who you know, it's interesting, Like this might

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<v Speaker 2>sound savage, but I think there's something so cool about

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<v Speaker 2>it where I was like, look, I know I'm not

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<v Speaker 2>your match. And look in exes, my new favorite thing

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<v Speaker 2>is to just go, we weren't a match. Yeah, I

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<v Speaker 2>don't have to give them a diagnosis. They're a narcissist,

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<v Speaker 2>they're this maybe, but also we just weren't a match,

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<v Speaker 2>and like that's fine. And instead of like carrying all

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<v Speaker 2>these negative terms about exes, you know, and so we're

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<v Speaker 2>just not a match. Like they are a pathological liar

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<v Speaker 2>and I'm not.

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<v Speaker 1>I mean, I know nothing I do about that.

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<v Speaker 2>I just well, that's they're actors. They lie for a living.

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<v Speaker 2>They went prizes for lying, so you know, but I

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<v Speaker 2>try to just like take all that negativity out of

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<v Speaker 2>it and whatever of superiority I need to, like, you know,

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<v Speaker 2>I was like, we're not a match. He's younger than me,

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<v Speaker 2>and I'm like, look, I want you to be able

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<v Speaker 2>to like have all these like life experiences with somebody

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<v Speaker 2>who isn't so road hard and put away wet and

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<v Speaker 2>so like, oh I overrated.

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<v Speaker 1>Like you should be able to like go enjoy it.

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<v Speaker 1>Go to Cancun please.

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<v Speaker 2>And this there is this next generation of younger guys

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<v Speaker 2>that are like actually like not monsters. They grew up

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<v Speaker 2>with like Beyonce and Michelle Obama, like they kind of

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<v Speaker 2>only saw a black president, you know, for most of

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<v Speaker 2>their life. And you know, they grew up with like

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<v Speaker 2>Brene Brown, and a lot of video games, I gotta say,

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<v Speaker 2>are like about chivalry and a lot of them are

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<v Speaker 2>about killing hookers. But there's some that are you know,

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<v Speaker 2>there's these Dungeons of Dragons guys, and these they're very cringe,

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<v Speaker 2>but like ren Fair guys.

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<v Speaker 1>Oh one of my best friends, and I love a

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<v Speaker 1>ren Fair, very very pro Sophia.

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<v Speaker 2>Wait, we're going?

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<v Speaker 1>No, I have okay, So are we going?

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<v Speaker 2>No? Are we going? I've already DMed ren Fair. I'm

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<v Speaker 2>trying to be the queen for the for the year.

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<v Speaker 2>So the rent Fair Queen. It's a year, it's equipment.

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<v Speaker 2>I d M them and they and they actually, I'm

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<v Speaker 2>on I've been left on Red by the Fair.

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<v Speaker 1>So they've seen it.

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<v Speaker 2>Wow, and it's it's tougher than like getting rejected on Rayah.

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<v Speaker 2>You you don't know rejection the Rent Fair. Uh, is

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<v Speaker 2>like we're good. But Lindsay Sterling and I go together

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<v Speaker 2>and and here's this thing. I'm so curious and I

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<v Speaker 2>want to shut up asap. I'm going to get TMJ

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<v Speaker 2>on this podcast, but I just am so excited to

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<v Speaker 2>talk to you. Is there anything that you're doing in

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<v Speaker 2>life as an adult work, because I'm always looking for

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<v Speaker 2>like hobbies as entertainers. It's like, what are we doing

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<v Speaker 2>to be entertained? Where you're doing something kind of to

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<v Speaker 2>make fun of it or kind of as a joke,

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<v Speaker 2>and then you're like, no, I'm just doing it like

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<v Speaker 2>I've been to the Renfair now like six times, like

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<v Speaker 2>as a joke, and I'm like, yeah, oh, I just

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<v Speaker 2>go to the ren Fair.

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<v Speaker 1>Okay. So yes, I have discovered and I thought it

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<v Speaker 1>was ironic and that I was being very contrariant and

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<v Speaker 1>silly with my girlfriends. I'm just a Disney adult and

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<v Speaker 1>I didn't know I was a Disney Adult. But then

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<v Speaker 1>I went to Disneyland, went on rides with all my friends,

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<v Speaker 1>eight corn dogs all day. There are every delicious food

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<v Speaker 1>from around the world, including Little Begnet's are at Disneyland,

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<v Speaker 1>and I was like, oh, I used to be like

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<v Speaker 1>why are grown ups going to Disneyland? And I want

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<v Speaker 1>to go all the time.

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<v Speaker 2>Okay, let's break this down because I think I'm someone

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<v Speaker 2>who historically maybe poked fun at Disney adults because I

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<v Speaker 2>didn't have Disney in my childhood.

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<v Speaker 1>I think we went one time in my childho like,

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<v Speaker 1>I don't, It's great.

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<v Speaker 2>I went one time. One of my best girlfriends is

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<v Speaker 2>Jennifer Goodwin. She played snow White Princess, Yes, a princess,

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<v Speaker 2>and Josh Dallas is whatever. So we went and they're like,

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<v Speaker 2>they're like gods there right, and we had a tour guide.

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<v Speaker 2>And I'm such a weirdo. I didn't grow up around Disney.

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<v Speaker 2>I didn't. We didn't. I didn't really have a childhood

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<v Speaker 2>like I, you know, so I'm asking all these questions

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<v Speaker 2>about like the park. I'm obsessed with the park. I

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<v Speaker 2>My algorithm is all princesses that used to work at

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<v Speaker 2>Disney telling all the secrets of like what they had

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<v Speaker 2>to wear makeup wise and what because the Disney Princess

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<v Speaker 2>is very strict rules. They're not allowed to say certain things,

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<v Speaker 2>you know, and like who are they? I'm just fascinated

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<v Speaker 2>the makeup they have to wear all of it, and

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<v Speaker 2>they don't. They can't pee, they can't go to the bathroom,

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<v Speaker 2>they can't eat, they can't drink water, like none of it.

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<v Speaker 2>And so I'm asking all these questions to this guys,

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<v Speaker 2>and I'm like, so, what's the deal with the with

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<v Speaker 2>the pedophiles? What's to do? How do you guys keep

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<v Speaker 2>them out? And uh? Because there's this whole underground like.

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<v Speaker 1>Jail, and I've heard about this. I want to see it.

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<v Speaker 2>And I think it's like one in every like thirty

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<v Speaker 2>people at Disneyland is an undercover cop. And if you

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<v Speaker 2>really just sit that and then you'll watch someone just

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<v Speaker 2>go up to a guy and be like, hey, dude,

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<v Speaker 2>you're gonna come with me. We're going for a walk

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<v Speaker 2>like they have it obviously, you know, so hardcore, so

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<v Speaker 2>dial nock and then I'm like, that's the only place

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<v Speaker 2>I want to be at a time when you're like

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<v Speaker 2>the Epstein List and all these creeps are everywhere. I

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<v Speaker 2>live at Disneyland, where their policy is no crepes.

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<v Speaker 1>No creeps. I love that. If that could be a

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<v Speaker 1>policy everywhere outside of Disneyland also, I would be so grateful.

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<v Speaker 2>But unfortunately, I think girls should just be able to

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<v Speaker 2>go there for like girls' nights because there's no grapes,

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<v Speaker 2>or at least they handle the crepes.

0:11:47.960 --> 0:11:49.880
<v Speaker 1>Yeah, and then the cats.

0:11:50.480 --> 0:11:52.760
<v Speaker 2>You know, they let out one hundred cats at night

0:11:52.880 --> 0:11:54.800
<v Speaker 2>to take care of the rat problem, just to make

0:11:54.840 --> 0:11:55.720
<v Speaker 2>sure there's no rats.

0:11:56.000 --> 0:11:57.360
<v Speaker 1>Love it every night.

0:11:57.760 --> 0:11:59.840
<v Speaker 2>I love the Disneyland like what I love that.

0:11:59.840 --> 0:12:00.800
<v Speaker 1>You of the lore.

0:12:01.120 --> 0:12:03.440
<v Speaker 2>It's a whole city. There's a city underneath I mean

0:12:03.480 --> 0:12:07.680
<v Speaker 2>Disney Like there's a city. So I'm sure that being

0:12:07.679 --> 0:12:10.360
<v Speaker 2>a you know, do you look back at anything that

0:12:10.440 --> 0:12:13.720
<v Speaker 2>used to make fun of or not like and then

0:12:14.360 --> 0:12:18.640
<v Speaker 2>realize it's because you were becoming it, Like we kind

0:12:18.640 --> 0:12:21.280
<v Speaker 2>of become what we hate. Like whatever we resist persist

0:12:21.440 --> 0:12:23.560
<v Speaker 2>or you know whatever. Adage kind of like works. But

0:12:23.600 --> 0:12:25.839
<v Speaker 2>I find whenever I'm like, oh, Disney adults, I'm kind

0:12:25.840 --> 0:12:28.040
<v Speaker 2>of like, I feel like that's on the rise of me.

0:12:28.200 --> 0:12:30.599
<v Speaker 2>That's probably why I'm like resisting so hard. It's like

0:12:30.640 --> 0:12:32.800
<v Speaker 2>when you're like mean to a guy, you're like, oh,

0:12:32.800 --> 0:12:33.560
<v Speaker 2>I actually just like you.

0:12:34.679 --> 0:12:37.559
<v Speaker 1>Well, so really the point of this podcast is we're

0:12:37.559 --> 0:12:38.839
<v Speaker 1>going to Disneyland.

0:12:38.320 --> 0:12:41.720
<v Speaker 2>Together, sold and ren Fair and Renfair.

0:12:42.280 --> 0:12:45.400
<v Speaker 1>Let's go okay wait, but when you were talking about

0:12:46.000 --> 0:12:49.480
<v Speaker 1>ren Fair, you were also talking about the sort of younger,

0:12:49.600 --> 0:12:53.400
<v Speaker 1>more gentle dudes that go to a ren Fair. So

0:12:53.480 --> 0:12:55.240
<v Speaker 1>where where's that train going?

0:12:55.280 --> 0:12:57.920
<v Speaker 2>And next generation of God not all of them. I

0:12:57.960 --> 0:12:59.600
<v Speaker 2>can't speak for all of them. We only see the

0:12:59.640 --> 0:13:02.800
<v Speaker 2>reddish stuff and the negative stuff. But I think the

0:13:02.840 --> 0:13:06.040
<v Speaker 2>next generation of guys is going the opposite way from

0:13:06.040 --> 0:13:10.439
<v Speaker 2>these like porn obsessed, like you know, checked out, over

0:13:10.520 --> 0:13:12.160
<v Speaker 2>stimulated with women.

0:13:12.280 --> 0:13:12.840
<v Speaker 1>I hope.

0:13:12.880 --> 0:13:15.160
<v Speaker 2>So there's a lot of younger guys that are not

0:13:15.520 --> 0:13:18.839
<v Speaker 2>using porn, and they're like their kink is like love

0:13:19.240 --> 0:13:21.280
<v Speaker 2>because that's the kinkiest thing you can do at this point,

0:13:21.720 --> 0:13:26.920
<v Speaker 2>is like one woman like missionary and like eye contact

0:13:27.000 --> 0:13:29.880
<v Speaker 2>and like kissing because like it was so extreme for them,

0:13:30.400 --> 0:13:33.920
<v Speaker 2>this like Pendulum is like swinging back and he's just

0:13:33.960 --> 0:13:36.400
<v Speaker 2>this like just the I don't know, I just became

0:13:36.520 --> 0:13:38.640
<v Speaker 2>obsessed with him and I was like, I know I'm

0:13:38.640 --> 0:13:41.440
<v Speaker 2>not your wife, like, but can I just go off

0:13:41.480 --> 0:13:43.760
<v Speaker 2>birth control and if it happens, it happens. Because you

0:13:43.840 --> 0:13:45.680
<v Speaker 2>might not be my husband, I might not be your wife,

0:13:45.720 --> 0:13:49.000
<v Speaker 2>but you are a father. Like just I see it

0:13:49.040 --> 0:13:49.920
<v Speaker 2>so clearly.

0:13:49.840 --> 0:13:50.960
<v Speaker 1>And that's what happened.

0:13:51.400 --> 0:13:52.120
<v Speaker 2>That's what happened.

0:13:52.559 --> 0:13:58.080
<v Speaker 1>Ah, and what's what's the non relationship relationship?

0:13:58.160 --> 0:14:00.760
<v Speaker 2>Now it's the best we're There was this part of

0:14:00.800 --> 0:14:02.200
<v Speaker 2>me that was like, make it work, make it work,

0:14:02.200 --> 0:14:04.280
<v Speaker 2>make it work, to have this new year family that

0:14:04.320 --> 0:14:06.640
<v Speaker 2>you always wanted. And it was like, that's not fair

0:14:06.679 --> 0:14:09.920
<v Speaker 2>to him. You know. I think that we forget sometimes

0:14:09.960 --> 0:14:12.960
<v Speaker 2>as women when you're in any relationship, or guys probably

0:14:13.000 --> 0:14:14.920
<v Speaker 2>do it too. I just can't speak to that where

0:14:14.960 --> 0:14:16.280
<v Speaker 2>you're like, you know, I need to make this work,

0:14:16.520 --> 0:14:20.160
<v Speaker 2>like you know what, Just can you imagine if you

0:14:20.280 --> 0:14:24.160
<v Speaker 2>found out the other person was thinking like that with you? Yeah,

0:14:24.280 --> 0:14:25.920
<v Speaker 2>we forget who we're like, I'm going to be a

0:14:25.920 --> 0:14:28.600
<v Speaker 2>martyr and make this work. Like ew, you're wasting another

0:14:28.600 --> 0:14:31.960
<v Speaker 2>person's time if you're already you know, if you're pretending

0:14:32.040 --> 0:14:34.400
<v Speaker 2>or faking or trying to make something work. I mean, look,

0:14:34.400 --> 0:14:36.680
<v Speaker 2>if you're in of course, relationships take work. I really

0:14:36.720 --> 0:14:39.360
<v Speaker 2>can't speak to all that because I get so confused

0:14:39.360 --> 0:14:41.200
<v Speaker 2>around it. But I was just like, I don't want

0:14:41.240 --> 0:14:45.320
<v Speaker 2>to have any internal monologues that are negative about this.

0:14:45.480 --> 0:14:49.280
<v Speaker 2>Let's just start this off like honest and forward thinking,

0:14:49.560 --> 0:14:52.880
<v Speaker 2>in radical acceptance, so that our son never knows any different,

0:14:53.240 --> 0:14:56.360
<v Speaker 2>you know, to see us as like good friends and

0:14:56.360 --> 0:14:59.040
<v Speaker 2>we don't complicate things. And I just never want to

0:14:59.040 --> 0:15:02.320
<v Speaker 2>show resentment or weirdness around him. So we just started

0:15:02.320 --> 0:15:06.200
<v Speaker 2>co parenting like from the beginning, and it's such a blast.

0:15:06.600 --> 0:15:07.680
<v Speaker 1>That's so cool.

0:15:07.840 --> 0:15:09.760
<v Speaker 2>It's like a dream. And then I started dating the

0:15:09.760 --> 0:15:11.720
<v Speaker 2>guy that I'm with like when my son was like

0:15:11.760 --> 0:15:12.400
<v Speaker 2>three months old.

0:15:12.760 --> 0:15:15.880
<v Speaker 1>Oh my goodness, that's so cool.

0:15:16.720 --> 0:15:19.600
<v Speaker 2>Just I like, look, it's so hard for me to

0:15:19.640 --> 0:15:22.960
<v Speaker 2>trust that anyone would be into me in any capacity.

0:15:23.600 --> 0:15:26.040
<v Speaker 2>That the guy that I'm with now we started dating

0:15:26.040 --> 0:15:28.400
<v Speaker 2>when I had a newborn, Like that's what it takes

0:15:28.440 --> 0:15:30.760
<v Speaker 2>for me to be convinced that you actually like me,

0:15:30.960 --> 0:15:34.400
<v Speaker 2>to throw you in the deep end so hard. You know,

0:15:34.440 --> 0:15:38.440
<v Speaker 2>I'm like still hemorrhaging from childbirth and just purple from

0:15:38.520 --> 0:15:43.000
<v Speaker 2>Arco's veins, and just you know, here's my base.

0:15:43.240 --> 0:15:43.600
<v Speaker 1>We are.

0:15:44.000 --> 0:15:46.800
<v Speaker 2>I'm breastfeeding that I can't really walk, and you know,

0:15:47.040 --> 0:15:49.040
<v Speaker 2>so the guy that I'm with now, So it's kind

0:15:49.080 --> 0:15:52.040
<v Speaker 2>of a wild uh dynamic, but like why not?

0:15:53.040 --> 0:15:54.960
<v Speaker 1>And now a word from our sponsors who make this

0:15:55.040 --> 0:16:09.200
<v Speaker 1>show possible. I think there's something you know, not that

0:16:09.240 --> 0:16:11.600
<v Speaker 1>we've had the same experience, but I do think there's

0:16:11.680 --> 0:16:18.280
<v Speaker 1>something about meeting a person when you are you're most

0:16:18.480 --> 0:16:19.920
<v Speaker 1>taken apart.

0:16:19.720 --> 0:16:20.600
<v Speaker 2>In a way.

0:16:22.680 --> 0:16:27.840
<v Speaker 1>And for me, like I had to really deconstruct so

0:16:28.040 --> 0:16:32.200
<v Speaker 1>many things about the pressure I put on myself, the

0:16:32.240 --> 0:16:35.680
<v Speaker 1>subconscious pressure I put on myself approaching forty and wanting

0:16:35.720 --> 0:16:39.920
<v Speaker 1>to be a parent and doing all these things. And yeah,

0:16:39.960 --> 0:16:43.600
<v Speaker 1>sure there's things that aren't for public consumption, and there's

0:16:43.640 --> 0:16:46.160
<v Speaker 1>diagnoses you could give and all the you're talking about,

0:16:46.160 --> 0:16:48.160
<v Speaker 1>But at the end of the day, it's like, no,

0:16:48.920 --> 0:16:54.400
<v Speaker 1>if we're just trying to build the image, but the

0:16:54.480 --> 0:16:59.560
<v Speaker 1>life inside isn't happy, or you feel hollow or a

0:16:59.600 --> 0:17:02.040
<v Speaker 1>it's like a movie backdrop, like it looks like the mountains,

0:17:02.040 --> 0:17:04.320
<v Speaker 1>but actually it's just a sheet that's been painted on.

0:17:05.000 --> 0:17:06.960
<v Speaker 1>Like what are we what are we doing? And why

0:17:06.960 --> 0:17:09.359
<v Speaker 1>do we feel like we have to do it that way?

0:17:09.600 --> 0:17:14.080
<v Speaker 2>And I grew up watching parents fight like dogs that

0:17:14.800 --> 0:17:18.159
<v Speaker 2>not have been together. I remember, yeah, sobbing begging my

0:17:18.280 --> 0:17:21.919
<v Speaker 2>parents to get a divorce, and you know, I just

0:17:22.240 --> 0:17:24.880
<v Speaker 2>I don't feel like it's fair. You know, I think

0:17:24.880 --> 0:17:27.800
<v Speaker 2>the children understand, oh, this didn't work out, Like now

0:17:27.840 --> 0:17:29.920
<v Speaker 2>I can show you things don't work out the way

0:17:29.960 --> 0:17:33.240
<v Speaker 2>that the Norman Rockwell painting is like it's it's okay.

0:17:33.440 --> 0:17:36.840
<v Speaker 2>And you know, I think that it was also liberating

0:17:36.880 --> 0:17:38.960
<v Speaker 2>because I was like, Okay, I'm forty years old. If

0:17:39.000 --> 0:17:42.120
<v Speaker 2>I start over right now, not having a child, which

0:17:42.160 --> 0:17:45.920
<v Speaker 2>I want, you know, so bad, I'm just gonna put

0:17:45.960 --> 0:17:48.159
<v Speaker 2>so much pressure on everyone I date, like are you

0:17:48.160 --> 0:17:49.439
<v Speaker 2>a father? And you a father? And da da da,

0:17:49.440 --> 0:17:50.639
<v Speaker 2>and let me see, I'm just gonna be like how

0:17:50.680 --> 0:17:52.920
<v Speaker 2>big are your hands and like just getting so primorial.

0:17:53.480 --> 0:17:55.160
<v Speaker 1>Do you have any history of heart disease in your family?

0:17:55.200 --> 0:17:56.240
<v Speaker 1>What about rare cancers?

0:17:56.280 --> 0:17:58.280
<v Speaker 2>Like I meant this while we're sending it to twenty

0:17:58.320 --> 0:18:01.400
<v Speaker 2>three and right now I just was like, I'm never

0:18:01.480 --> 0:18:03.880
<v Speaker 2>gonna or I'm gonna settle for the wrong I'm gonna

0:18:03.920 --> 0:18:06.280
<v Speaker 2>have a kid with the wrong person too fast and

0:18:06.320 --> 0:18:09.760
<v Speaker 2>make a big mess. And I don't think it's fair

0:18:10.800 --> 0:18:13.399
<v Speaker 2>to be you know, we talk about objectifying you know,

0:18:13.440 --> 0:18:15.280
<v Speaker 2>women a lot, but it's not fair to objectify a

0:18:15.320 --> 0:18:17.360
<v Speaker 2>man on the first date, like are you a father?

0:18:17.440 --> 0:18:19.200
<v Speaker 2>Are you a father? Like you know, are you calm, honor?

0:18:19.240 --> 0:18:21.000
<v Speaker 2>And you can let me it's your credit score, like

0:18:21.000 --> 0:18:23.159
<v Speaker 2>I just you know. So I was like, let me

0:18:23.200 --> 0:18:25.040
<v Speaker 2>just take this off the table. And then I had this,

0:18:25.200 --> 0:18:26.960
<v Speaker 2>you know, cause that worked, you know when I was

0:18:27.040 --> 0:18:28.520
<v Speaker 2>when I froze my eggs. It took a lot of

0:18:28.560 --> 0:18:30.680
<v Speaker 2>pressure off. And then this like yeah, you know, I'm

0:18:30.680 --> 0:18:34.000
<v Speaker 2>really also working on you know. And I'm sure it's

0:18:34.000 --> 0:18:36.840
<v Speaker 2>different from everyone not getting all my needs met from

0:18:36.880 --> 0:18:41.119
<v Speaker 2>the same person. I don't think historically that's ever been

0:18:41.160 --> 0:18:44.199
<v Speaker 2>the case. I think our biological basis is like, you know,

0:18:44.960 --> 0:18:48.320
<v Speaker 2>not conducive to that at all, the idea that your

0:18:48.480 --> 0:18:50.440
<v Speaker 2>person needs to be like your husband and your best

0:18:50.480 --> 0:18:52.840
<v Speaker 2>friend and the father of your kid and your you know,

0:18:52.960 --> 0:18:55.840
<v Speaker 2>and the handyman at the house and the like everything

0:18:55.920 --> 0:18:58.399
<v Speaker 2>or your girl, whatever it is. And so to me,

0:18:58.560 --> 0:19:02.440
<v Speaker 2>I'm like, Okay, now that I have my heart so full,

0:19:03.880 --> 0:19:07.840
<v Speaker 2>I can actually go out and find a teammate, a

0:19:07.880 --> 0:19:11.280
<v Speaker 2>co pilot, a partner instead of like my world, I

0:19:11.320 --> 0:19:13.960
<v Speaker 2>have a world already, yeah, you know, And I think

0:19:14.000 --> 0:19:16.840
<v Speaker 2>that my relationships before were so codependent because I was like,

0:19:16.960 --> 0:19:19.080
<v Speaker 2>I need you to you're my dad that never loved

0:19:19.080 --> 0:19:21.199
<v Speaker 2>me and my mom that drank and you're you know,

0:19:21.440 --> 0:19:23.120
<v Speaker 2>And then I was getting my emotional needs met from

0:19:23.160 --> 0:19:27.120
<v Speaker 2>like Hollywood, Like I mean, it was, it was mentally ill.

0:19:27.520 --> 0:19:30.240
<v Speaker 2>So now it's like, I think it's just about how

0:19:30.280 --> 0:19:33.720
<v Speaker 2>do you get your emotional needs met in appropriate ways?

0:19:33.880 --> 0:19:36.240
<v Speaker 2>And the word appropriate is kind of a new one

0:19:36.280 --> 0:19:39.040
<v Speaker 2>for me as a comedian. I know that's not something

0:19:39.080 --> 0:19:42.040
<v Speaker 2>that comes naturally for me to understand, but like it's

0:19:42.040 --> 0:19:46.160
<v Speaker 2>just like not appropriate for me to expect my guy

0:19:46.800 --> 0:19:53.119
<v Speaker 2>to be sad about my girlfriend breakup. You know. He's like, no,

0:19:53.200 --> 0:19:54.760
<v Speaker 2>it's not she was toxic for you. And I'm like,

0:19:54.800 --> 0:19:56.680
<v Speaker 2>I need to cry for two weeks because I still

0:19:56.720 --> 0:20:00.639
<v Speaker 2>love girlfriend. Breakups are so much they're so hard than

0:20:00.760 --> 0:20:03.160
<v Speaker 2>gud But you know what, wait, I have to Okay,

0:20:03.160 --> 0:20:04.560
<v Speaker 2>I know we're talking about this thing, but I do

0:20:04.640 --> 0:20:06.199
<v Speaker 2>have to ask you this because this was like a

0:20:06.800 --> 0:20:07.080
<v Speaker 2>for me.

0:20:07.960 --> 0:20:09.800
<v Speaker 1>I don't even know what the interview was, but when

0:20:09.800 --> 0:20:13.840
<v Speaker 1>Oprah and Gail were talking and Oprah said, you cannot

0:20:13.840 --> 0:20:16.320
<v Speaker 1>be friends with someone who has even an ounce of

0:20:16.400 --> 0:20:20.400
<v Speaker 1>jealousy about your life, even an ounce and it really

0:20:21.800 --> 0:20:26.040
<v Speaker 1>it hit me in such a way because I went, oh, well,

0:20:26.040 --> 0:20:29.600
<v Speaker 1>no wonder, they've been friends for their whole lives, and oh, no,

0:20:29.680 --> 0:20:32.000
<v Speaker 1>wonder we go through these things. Our lives are weird.

0:20:32.040 --> 0:20:35.720
<v Speaker 1>Hollywood's weird, our careers are weird. Being in relationship to

0:20:35.760 --> 0:20:38.320
<v Speaker 1>people in the public eye is weird, and it's hard.

0:20:38.359 --> 0:20:42.080
<v Speaker 1>And also you kind of can't have relationships with people

0:20:42.119 --> 0:20:44.840
<v Speaker 1>who find your life hard for them.

0:20:45.240 --> 0:20:48.679
<v Speaker 2>It's also tricky with that because I wouldn't even have

0:20:48.720 --> 0:20:51.800
<v Speaker 2>been able to apply that advice to my life into

0:20:52.040 --> 0:20:56.639
<v Speaker 2>very recently save in order to ascertain whether someone's jealous

0:20:56.920 --> 0:20:59.840
<v Speaker 2>of you, you have to have self esteem and thank

0:20:59.840 --> 0:21:02.280
<v Speaker 2>you your life is awesome and that you're awesome, ding

0:21:02.359 --> 0:21:04.960
<v Speaker 2>ding ding. I was in all these RELATIONSHSPEP. I think

0:21:04.960 --> 0:21:06.520
<v Speaker 2>that was happening. But I was like, I would be

0:21:06.560 --> 0:21:07.120
<v Speaker 2>jealous of my.

0:21:07.080 --> 0:21:09.760
<v Speaker 1>Life the same. I was like, nobody's meaner to me

0:21:09.840 --> 0:21:13.760
<v Speaker 1>that me. I'm not fill in the blank, this person,

0:21:13.840 --> 0:21:16.040
<v Speaker 1>I'm not doing, fill in the blank, this job I'm

0:21:16.040 --> 0:21:21.400
<v Speaker 1>not and I and I wasn't in any way capable

0:21:21.520 --> 0:21:25.600
<v Speaker 1>of owning what I am. I just constantly identified what

0:21:25.680 --> 0:21:31.439
<v Speaker 1>I wasn't and that not only for the kinds of

0:21:31.440 --> 0:21:35.200
<v Speaker 1>friendships that break up, but for relationships, for romantic relationships

0:21:35.280 --> 0:21:38.920
<v Speaker 1>that makes you such a target for manipulation and people

0:21:38.920 --> 0:21:42.600
<v Speaker 1>who will take advantage of you. And like it really

0:21:42.680 --> 0:21:46.600
<v Speaker 1>required everything, like the House of Cards really coming down

0:21:46.680 --> 0:21:52.400
<v Speaker 1>to go, hold on, what ways have I been complicit

0:21:53.119 --> 0:21:57.879
<v Speaker 1>in what I've accepted that isn't it? And how do

0:21:57.960 --> 0:22:00.760
<v Speaker 1>I change that? And you know, in the same way

0:22:00.760 --> 0:22:03.040
<v Speaker 1>that you're talking about meeting your guy in the most

0:22:03.280 --> 0:22:07.359
<v Speaker 1>insane time, Like I never thought I was going to

0:22:07.560 --> 0:22:14.560
<v Speaker 1>find the most keeling and sweet and joyful and kind

0:22:14.720 --> 0:22:18.560
<v Speaker 1>love of my life in a fucking divorced girl group chat,

0:22:18.840 --> 0:22:22.159
<v Speaker 1>but here we are, Like not on my Bingo card ever,

0:22:22.760 --> 0:22:24.679
<v Speaker 1>and here we are. And it's like, I bet it

0:22:24.720 --> 0:22:26.399
<v Speaker 1>wasn't on your Bingo card that you were going to

0:22:26.480 --> 0:22:29.199
<v Speaker 1>have a three month old and fall in love with

0:22:29.240 --> 0:22:30.680
<v Speaker 1>someone that wasn't that baby's dad.

0:22:31.160 --> 0:22:34.760
<v Speaker 2>But I realized the only my heart was so full

0:22:34.960 --> 0:22:38.320
<v Speaker 2>with this child that the only person who could have

0:22:38.440 --> 0:22:41.359
<v Speaker 2>even got through to me was someone he's already a dad,

0:22:41.400 --> 0:22:43.919
<v Speaker 2>he's you know, has a kid. That was like down

0:22:44.240 --> 0:22:47.199
<v Speaker 2>that was like, oh, you still have stitches in and

0:22:47.240 --> 0:22:50.760
<v Speaker 2>you can't have sex for three months and you've got

0:22:50.840 --> 0:22:53.840
<v Speaker 2>this baby, and like pressure, yeah, he was like.

0:22:55.400 --> 0:22:57.720
<v Speaker 1>You know was he was? He just like, let me

0:22:57.800 --> 0:23:00.240
<v Speaker 1>swaddle your baby, and you were like Yupah.

0:23:00.920 --> 0:23:05.280
<v Speaker 2>He showed up a Harley Davidson onesie, Oh my god,

0:23:06.400 --> 0:23:09.400
<v Speaker 2>and he's an Eagles fan so all this like Eagles gear.

0:23:09.760 --> 0:23:12.320
<v Speaker 2>And it was like, because I had this identity that

0:23:12.440 --> 0:23:15.240
<v Speaker 2>was like, Okay, now I'm a single mom, like I'm

0:23:15.800 --> 0:23:17.280
<v Speaker 2>no one's gonna want to sign up for this. Oh

0:23:17.320 --> 0:23:19.480
<v Speaker 2>it's gonna make me cry, Like who would want this?

0:23:19.920 --> 0:23:23.600
<v Speaker 2>You know? Like, and I think that you're like this too,

0:23:24.720 --> 0:23:27.199
<v Speaker 2>and maybe I won't diagnose you, but I think that

0:23:27.680 --> 0:23:33.159
<v Speaker 2>we come off so independent and so self sufficient that

0:23:33.280 --> 0:23:36.480
<v Speaker 2>it doesn't occur to anyone that we ever need help. Ye,

0:23:36.640 --> 0:23:43.280
<v Speaker 2>and yes, you know I that was the only time

0:23:43.760 --> 0:23:48.439
<v Speaker 2>I was needing help because I like literally like couldn't

0:23:48.440 --> 0:23:49.439
<v Speaker 2>walk up a flight of stairs.

0:23:49.640 --> 0:23:52.040
<v Speaker 1>You couldn't pretend you didn't need help anymore.

0:23:53.000 --> 0:23:56.439
<v Speaker 2>Exactly. You just nailed it. And it softened me in

0:23:56.480 --> 0:23:58.760
<v Speaker 2>that moment, and I'm like, is this what it comes

0:23:58.800 --> 0:24:01.400
<v Speaker 2>to for a man to see my vulnerable side? Literally?

0:24:01.520 --> 0:24:03.600
<v Speaker 2>Just being like he would drive all the way here,

0:24:03.640 --> 0:24:05.520
<v Speaker 2>he lives two hours away and I'd be like, I

0:24:05.520 --> 0:24:07.480
<v Speaker 2>have to take a nap. He'd be like, no problem,

0:24:07.680 --> 0:24:09.840
<v Speaker 2>you know, like let me make you some food. Like

0:24:10.119 --> 0:24:12.640
<v Speaker 2>that's what it came to for me to allow someone

0:24:12.840 --> 0:24:14.600
<v Speaker 2>to love me and take care of me. And I

0:24:14.600 --> 0:24:16.320
<v Speaker 2>don't think I ever would have been able to do

0:24:16.400 --> 0:24:20.760
<v Speaker 2>that had I not actually been like still bleeding from child.

0:24:21.600 --> 0:24:26.240
<v Speaker 1>Wow. I think that's really it's really profound, and that's

0:24:26.320 --> 0:24:29.960
<v Speaker 1>really beautiful and how fucking cool that you did it.

0:24:30.119 --> 0:24:34.119
<v Speaker 2>Tricky thing, because I'm so like anti pretending to be

0:24:34.160 --> 0:24:37.600
<v Speaker 2>anything you're not or don't ever make yourself small for someone.

0:24:37.720 --> 0:24:39.439
<v Speaker 2>But there's also a point where you have to go,

0:24:39.560 --> 0:24:44.280
<v Speaker 2>like if I want to attract someone that has any

0:24:44.320 --> 0:24:47.920
<v Speaker 2>caretaking capabilities or that will be helpful and useful and

0:24:48.240 --> 0:24:50.960
<v Speaker 2>that helps them build their pride and their self esteem

0:24:51.000 --> 0:24:53.560
<v Speaker 2>and that's maybe how they give love if their language

0:24:53.600 --> 0:24:57.160
<v Speaker 2>is acts of service or you know, and I'm not

0:24:57.240 --> 0:24:59.320
<v Speaker 2>giving them the opportunity to do that for me because

0:24:59.359 --> 0:25:01.440
<v Speaker 2>my thing is like I mean anything, I'm so independent.

0:25:01.560 --> 0:25:02.720
<v Speaker 2>I got it, I got it, I got it, And

0:25:02.720 --> 0:25:04.719
<v Speaker 2>they're like, do you even need me for this? Like

0:25:04.920 --> 0:25:06.440
<v Speaker 2>I want to be with someone that I can love

0:25:06.640 --> 0:25:09.639
<v Speaker 2>and you know, I love through acts of service, and

0:25:09.720 --> 0:25:12.760
<v Speaker 2>I love through fixing and helping, you know. And then

0:25:12.800 --> 0:25:14.800
<v Speaker 2>I found myself in relationships with people that are just

0:25:14.840 --> 0:25:17.320
<v Speaker 2>like so unavailable and so not there. And I'm like,

0:25:17.359 --> 0:25:19.720
<v Speaker 2>of course I'm attracting that kind of person because I

0:25:19.720 --> 0:25:23.480
<v Speaker 2>don't need anything. Somebody attracts someone who can't give anything,

0:25:24.200 --> 0:25:26.320
<v Speaker 2>and so, you know, I don't know where you are.

0:25:26.400 --> 0:25:28.679
<v Speaker 2>And love languages, I know, I'm sure. I'm sure a

0:25:28.680 --> 0:25:30.359
<v Speaker 2>lot of it is. You know, it is what it is.

0:25:30.400 --> 0:25:33.640
<v Speaker 2>But there is a book that is so deeply toxic

0:25:34.320 --> 0:25:37.680
<v Speaker 2>and it is so helpful. I'm going to bring it up.

0:25:38.440 --> 0:25:41.639
<v Speaker 2>It is called getting Too I Do, and it is

0:25:42.240 --> 0:25:47.560
<v Speaker 2>truly the worst title of any book. But boy, ignore

0:25:47.600 --> 0:25:51.560
<v Speaker 2>all the toxic heteronormative like marriage stuff. It's not even

0:25:51.560 --> 0:25:56.360
<v Speaker 2>about the marriage. It's like about how one person needs

0:25:56.400 --> 0:25:58.240
<v Speaker 2>to be a giver and one person needs to be

0:25:58.320 --> 0:26:01.600
<v Speaker 2>a receiver, and like switching back and forth is confusing,

0:26:02.880 --> 0:26:05.800
<v Speaker 2>and you got to pick a lane. And in my relationships,

0:26:05.840 --> 0:26:07.960
<v Speaker 2>I was always the giver, but in my work, I'm

0:26:08.000 --> 0:26:10.359
<v Speaker 2>the giver and I just was always giving, given, giving,

0:26:10.400 --> 0:26:13.720
<v Speaker 2>and I wasn't allowing myself to receive anything anywhere. And

0:26:14.600 --> 0:26:17.080
<v Speaker 2>I wanted a teammate, but I wasn't giving anyone the

0:26:17.080 --> 0:26:19.480
<v Speaker 2>opportunity to give to me. So I was so frustrated.

0:26:19.600 --> 0:26:21.879
<v Speaker 2>I was like, I'm doing everything myself. Why aren't they helping?

0:26:22.320 --> 0:26:25.000
<v Speaker 2>It doesn't occur. When would they have time to help?

0:26:25.000 --> 0:26:28.200
<v Speaker 2>You've already done it all, you know, double virgo till

0:26:28.200 --> 0:26:31.240
<v Speaker 2>I die. Come from alcoholic home, Like, I'm gratified child.

0:26:31.760 --> 0:26:33.760
<v Speaker 1>Yeah, you and me both, babe.

0:26:34.480 --> 0:26:40.200
<v Speaker 2>It helped me to learn receiving isn't weak. It just

0:26:40.280 --> 0:26:42.440
<v Speaker 2>mean you're stupid. It doesn't mean you need a man

0:26:42.640 --> 0:26:46.400
<v Speaker 2>or need a relationship, or you're pathetic or weak. It's like, yeah,

0:26:46.440 --> 0:26:48.760
<v Speaker 2>could you make the reservation? Could you make that choice?

0:26:48.880 --> 0:26:51.199
<v Speaker 2>What do you want to make the choice? I'm just

0:26:51.240 --> 0:26:53.640
<v Speaker 2>a capacity for making choices today. I just I don't

0:26:53.720 --> 0:26:57.320
<v Speaker 2>I'm a decision fatigue. What decent this thing? Could you

0:26:57.320 --> 0:27:01.360
<v Speaker 2>just schedule it? Thank you? Want to love you? And

0:27:01.359 --> 0:27:03.919
<v Speaker 2>that's what the essence of that book is.

0:27:03.960 --> 0:27:06.239
<v Speaker 1>That kind of yeah, But that's what I was going

0:27:06.320 --> 0:27:11.080
<v Speaker 1>to ask you, because the hyper independence that comes off

0:27:11.200 --> 0:27:16.359
<v Speaker 1>is so professional, so successful. So whatever you know. You

0:27:16.440 --> 0:27:20.320
<v Speaker 1>mentioned growing up in a household where you were at

0:27:20.359 --> 0:27:23.920
<v Speaker 1>times begging your parents to get divorced. I also went

0:27:24.040 --> 0:27:28.160
<v Speaker 1>through that, and I realize I was a very early

0:27:28.240 --> 0:27:30.880
<v Speaker 1>parentified child. I was like, I love you both, y'all

0:27:30.880 --> 0:27:34.440
<v Speaker 1>are nuts. I see myself out here. Yeah, I'll take

0:27:34.480 --> 0:27:37.600
<v Speaker 1>it from here. I will never need anything. And the

0:27:37.840 --> 0:27:41.560
<v Speaker 1>wild thing that I've been through more recently, you know,

0:27:41.600 --> 0:27:44.919
<v Speaker 1>we had this big kind of family meeting I don't know,

0:27:46.840 --> 0:27:50.119
<v Speaker 1>eight years ago and started processing through some things that

0:27:50.119 --> 0:27:51.760
<v Speaker 1>I thought were a really big deal. And I was

0:27:51.760 --> 0:27:54.800
<v Speaker 1>in a period of five years of deep singletom just

0:27:54.880 --> 0:27:58.800
<v Speaker 1>like I reject a relationship, I'm not doing this, and

0:27:58.840 --> 0:28:00.399
<v Speaker 1>I had to kind of get to the bottom of

0:28:00.440 --> 0:28:04.720
<v Speaker 1>some things in my family. And the coolest thing that's

0:28:04.760 --> 0:28:07.680
<v Speaker 1>happened to me since I, you know, knocked down the

0:28:07.720 --> 0:28:12.080
<v Speaker 1>whole house of cards two years ago, is it. It

0:28:12.160 --> 0:28:17.080
<v Speaker 1>gave my parents and I another opportunity to talk to

0:28:17.119 --> 0:28:20.840
<v Speaker 1>each other. And I realized i'd been saying, you know,

0:28:20.920 --> 0:28:23.199
<v Speaker 1>I'm so glad my parents still have each other, and

0:28:23.240 --> 0:28:25.120
<v Speaker 1>I'm really glad for where they're at. But I don't

0:28:25.160 --> 0:28:27.359
<v Speaker 1>know when they became this couple that holds hands walking

0:28:27.400 --> 0:28:29.280
<v Speaker 1>down the street and likes hanging out with each other.

0:28:30.320 --> 0:28:34.480
<v Speaker 1>And I realized that because I rejected the hard times

0:28:34.520 --> 0:28:36.679
<v Speaker 1>they went through because they're just two people doing the

0:28:36.680 --> 0:28:40.240
<v Speaker 1>best they can, you know, not in a generation where

0:28:40.280 --> 0:28:43.600
<v Speaker 1>they had Instagram, therapists and mental health access, you know,

0:28:43.640 --> 0:28:48.160
<v Speaker 1>resources everywhere. That I missed the way they healed together.

0:28:49.080 --> 0:28:52.240
<v Speaker 1>So I rejected what didn't work, but I never learned

0:28:52.240 --> 0:28:56.600
<v Speaker 1>what really did WHOA And so I didn't even know

0:28:57.560 --> 0:29:01.200
<v Speaker 1>that in my hyper independence, which was a trauma response

0:29:02.440 --> 0:29:07.720
<v Speaker 1>to that toxicity at the time, I didn't even realize

0:29:07.760 --> 0:29:10.240
<v Speaker 1>that as an adult who looked super successful on the

0:29:10.240 --> 0:29:13.200
<v Speaker 1>outside and who'd been through a lot and had healed

0:29:13.200 --> 0:29:16.200
<v Speaker 1>from it, supposedly that I just kept finding the same

0:29:16.280 --> 0:29:20.120
<v Speaker 1>fucking clause to fit the same fucking wounds. And the

0:29:20.440 --> 0:29:24.320
<v Speaker 1>aha moment that I had realizing I was in a

0:29:24.360 --> 0:29:29.560
<v Speaker 1>situation at forty that so closely mirrored a situation I

0:29:29.640 --> 0:29:31.160
<v Speaker 1>was in twenty years.

0:29:30.920 --> 0:29:33.760
<v Speaker 2>Before, like pattern recognition.

0:29:33.520 --> 0:29:38.040
<v Speaker 1>I was like, oh my god, everything stops. Everything's got

0:29:38.040 --> 0:29:42.520
<v Speaker 1>to stop, and it was so scary to do it.

0:29:43.840 --> 0:29:46.160
<v Speaker 1>But the way it feels now, like I see the

0:29:46.320 --> 0:29:48.320
<v Speaker 1>joy on your face when you talk about where you

0:29:48.360 --> 0:29:50.360
<v Speaker 1>are now, and I feel that I just.

0:29:50.600 --> 0:29:53.800
<v Speaker 2>In talking about how different it is from if it

0:29:53.880 --> 0:29:59.280
<v Speaker 2>feels uncomfortable and the opposite of my thing is, you know, look,

0:29:59.320 --> 0:30:01.360
<v Speaker 2>I'm you know, I'm in alan On and Aca, and

0:30:01.760 --> 0:30:04.520
<v Speaker 2>you know, it's really just about taking a contrary action.

0:30:04.720 --> 0:30:08.320
<v Speaker 2>And if something feels too familiar before you've been in recovery,

0:30:08.440 --> 0:30:12.080
<v Speaker 2>that means you're recreating your childhood circumstances, whatever equilibrium of

0:30:12.080 --> 0:30:17.240
<v Speaker 2>the neurochemical. There's a great book again horrible title, Horvel Hendricks,

0:30:17.280 --> 0:30:20.120
<v Speaker 2>Getting the Love You Want, about how we're attracted to

0:30:20.160 --> 0:30:24.200
<v Speaker 2>people with the negative qualities of our primary caretakers, because

0:30:24.320 --> 0:30:28.160
<v Speaker 2>it recreates that from mine was chaos. And the more

0:30:28.200 --> 0:30:31.560
<v Speaker 2>on drugs you are, the more you know, dramatic going

0:30:31.600 --> 0:30:34.760
<v Speaker 2>through a horrible breakup, you need to you know, go

0:30:34.840 --> 0:30:37.400
<v Speaker 2>from the rehab to the assisted living and you have

0:30:37.480 --> 0:30:41.320
<v Speaker 2>a stock like chaos was so familiar to me because

0:30:41.320 --> 0:30:43.800
<v Speaker 2>that was my role as a kid, was to make

0:30:43.840 --> 0:30:46.240
<v Speaker 2>everybody happy and calm and just help me get the

0:30:46.280 --> 0:30:50.080
<v Speaker 2>helper right. And so you know, and I did. And

0:30:50.120 --> 0:30:52.600
<v Speaker 2>no shade on your parents, no shade even on my parents.

0:30:52.600 --> 0:30:53.960
<v Speaker 2>I'm kind of at the point where it's like we

0:30:54.000 --> 0:30:56.600
<v Speaker 2>forgive others not because they deserve forgiveness, because we deserve peace.

0:30:56.640 --> 0:30:58.640
<v Speaker 2>And now that I have a son, I'm like God,

0:30:58.680 --> 0:31:00.640
<v Speaker 2>I hope he like forgives me when I mess up.

0:31:00.680 --> 0:31:03.520
<v Speaker 2>I'm sure I will, so just trying to, you know,

0:31:03.880 --> 0:31:07.080
<v Speaker 2>approach that way. But there was this guy on I

0:31:07.080 --> 0:31:09.960
<v Speaker 2>think it was Rich Roll, who said, a sign of

0:31:10.000 --> 0:31:13.840
<v Speaker 2>healthy parenting is that your children don't wish to be famous.

0:31:15.680 --> 0:31:17.720
<v Speaker 2>And it's just kind of like, Okay, I don't have

0:31:17.760 --> 0:31:22.920
<v Speaker 2>to overthink this. I went to strangers. I go to

0:31:23.160 --> 0:31:26.360
<v Speaker 2>try to make drunk strangers laugh at night.

0:31:26.680 --> 0:31:28.320
<v Speaker 1>Oh you know what I mean.

0:31:29.000 --> 0:31:31.160
<v Speaker 2>I didn't. I didn't get I didn't get what I needed.

0:31:31.200 --> 0:31:32.400
<v Speaker 2>But no one's going to give it to me. I

0:31:32.440 --> 0:31:33.240
<v Speaker 2>have to give it to myself.

0:31:33.360 --> 0:31:34.880
<v Speaker 1>You have to give it to your you're.

0:31:34.760 --> 0:31:37.160
<v Speaker 2>Famous, you're in a super big jam because then people

0:31:37.440 --> 0:31:39.360
<v Speaker 2>want to be around you sometimes for the wrong reason,

0:31:39.400 --> 0:31:41.280
<v Speaker 2>so it's not real love. And that I go, oh, well,

0:31:41.320 --> 0:31:44.840
<v Speaker 2>I'll sell it for being used. Being used. I'll never love,

0:31:44.880 --> 0:31:47.080
<v Speaker 2>so I'll just be used, like I know what that is.

0:31:47.760 --> 0:31:51.239
<v Speaker 2>And then to break that cycle is like is not

0:31:51.440 --> 0:31:51.880
<v Speaker 2>a game.

0:31:52.320 --> 0:31:56.600
<v Speaker 1>It's like total It felt like total and complete annihilation

0:31:56.800 --> 0:32:02.160
<v Speaker 1>by choice. But I would not go back for a moment.

0:32:04.280 --> 0:32:07.200
<v Speaker 2>The concept called wabbi Sabby, I'm sure you know that. Yeah,

0:32:07.800 --> 0:32:11.080
<v Speaker 2>term of something is actually more valuable after it's been broken.

0:32:11.120 --> 0:32:13.840
<v Speaker 2>And like when bolt breaks, they painted back with gold.

0:32:14.160 --> 0:32:18.440
<v Speaker 1>Yeah it's so beautiful, sobby, no big deal. Yeah you're like,

0:32:18.480 --> 0:32:22.640
<v Speaker 1>I'm an art piece, bitch, Like I'm a like, I fancy,

0:32:22.720 --> 0:32:24.920
<v Speaker 1>I love it. Put me in a museum.

0:32:25.400 --> 0:32:28.400
<v Speaker 2>That guy, Steve Win, the hotel guy. Yes, he put

0:32:28.400 --> 0:32:30.960
<v Speaker 2>his hand through a van Gogh because he has issues.

0:32:31.240 --> 0:32:33.360
<v Speaker 2>And then they restored it and now it's worth like

0:32:33.400 --> 0:32:37.800
<v Speaker 2>fifty million more like being broken and fixed is sicker,

0:32:37.920 --> 0:32:40.520
<v Speaker 2>like scar tissue is stronger than regular tissue.

0:32:40.720 --> 0:32:52.880
<v Speaker 1>Totally, and now a word from our sponsors. So I'm

0:32:52.880 --> 0:32:55.120
<v Speaker 1>curious about this because you've talked about it a lot,

0:32:55.160 --> 0:32:57.040
<v Speaker 1>and if you feel like you've talked about it too much,

0:32:57.080 --> 0:33:01.360
<v Speaker 1>we can move on. But you you you've shared about

0:33:01.400 --> 0:33:07.560
<v Speaker 1>your postpartum depression journey. And so not only when you

0:33:07.600 --> 0:33:11.320
<v Speaker 1>give me context on finding this really healthy love and

0:33:11.440 --> 0:33:16.600
<v Speaker 1>learning to let people support you, you were also you

0:33:16.640 --> 0:33:20.440
<v Speaker 1>weren't just dealing with the physical postpartum. You were dealing

0:33:20.520 --> 0:33:27.400
<v Speaker 1>with this enormous mental shift. And were you able to

0:33:27.520 --> 0:33:32.720
<v Speaker 1>identify that really quickly, because like when I was going

0:33:32.760 --> 0:33:34.640
<v Speaker 1>through what I was going through, granted not because of

0:33:34.680 --> 0:33:39.000
<v Speaker 1>a kid but like fertility hormones or gnarley. I was like, oh,

0:33:39.880 --> 0:33:42.360
<v Speaker 1>what is happening to me? Is the is a kind

0:33:42.360 --> 0:33:45.640
<v Speaker 1>of depression that is scary and I need to figure

0:33:45.640 --> 0:33:49.520
<v Speaker 1>it out. And I had to confront a lot of things,

0:33:49.600 --> 0:33:56.160
<v Speaker 1>namely like I'm not getting any help with this, Like

0:33:56.400 --> 0:33:59.040
<v Speaker 1>how did you know that it wasn't just oh my

0:33:59.120 --> 0:34:02.200
<v Speaker 1>body aches because I pushed a baby out, but like

0:34:02.280 --> 0:34:03.440
<v Speaker 1>something else is wrong.

0:34:05.160 --> 0:34:08.040
<v Speaker 2>I'm already getting emotional, so you know, lot's coming, No

0:34:08.160 --> 0:34:10.480
<v Speaker 2>in a good way, you know, I don't. I no

0:34:10.520 --> 0:34:15.600
<v Speaker 2>longer see crying as bad, like it's you know, it's decongestion,

0:34:15.880 --> 0:34:18.200
<v Speaker 2>and it's like the body that keeps the score I

0:34:18.239 --> 0:34:21.200
<v Speaker 2>have here somewhere. It's just like you know, releasing And

0:34:21.239 --> 0:34:23.799
<v Speaker 2>I think when we have these conversations, like it's a

0:34:23.840 --> 0:34:29.279
<v Speaker 2>sign of uh, I think strength and success that this deep.

0:34:29.160 --> 0:34:31.960
<v Speaker 1>Well, yeah, that you're not masking this part of yourself.

0:34:32.200 --> 0:34:35.120
<v Speaker 2>I can't pretend anymore. And I'm so grateful for that.

0:34:36.000 --> 0:34:37.960
<v Speaker 2>And I don't I used to kind of just like

0:34:38.000 --> 0:34:41.240
<v Speaker 2>go for the joke, and going for a joke podcasts

0:34:41.239 --> 0:34:43.359
<v Speaker 2>when there's no audience just comes off cringe and pick

0:34:43.400 --> 0:34:46.360
<v Speaker 2>me anyway, you know. For me, it was a couple

0:34:46.320 --> 0:34:50.200
<v Speaker 2>of things. You know, I will start by saying, I'm

0:34:50.200 --> 0:34:55.240
<v Speaker 2>not a big pharmap pusher person. If it's for you,

0:34:55.600 --> 0:34:59.120
<v Speaker 2>that's awesome. I think there's definitely a place for I

0:34:59.320 --> 0:35:02.680
<v Speaker 2>know people who have are no longer with us, who

0:35:02.719 --> 0:35:05.200
<v Speaker 2>have taken their lives because they went off a medication

0:35:05.280 --> 0:35:07.520
<v Speaker 2>they really needed. I know people who I think have

0:35:07.600 --> 0:35:10.319
<v Speaker 2>gone on medications they did not need at all, and

0:35:10.360 --> 0:35:13.480
<v Speaker 2>it has hurt their lives in a lot of ways

0:35:13.640 --> 0:35:19.480
<v Speaker 2>and mental health. I went off everything and ultimately settled

0:35:19.480 --> 0:35:22.400
<v Speaker 2>on just because I have repetitive intrusive thoughts, which is

0:35:22.800 --> 0:35:25.920
<v Speaker 2>a normal, healthy reaction from a dangerous childhood. To go

0:35:25.960 --> 0:35:27.799
<v Speaker 2>like that is a soo on? Is this on? Is

0:35:27.800 --> 0:35:30.560
<v Speaker 2>the door? Like that? Like it's a survival mechanism. It's

0:35:30.600 --> 0:35:34.360
<v Speaker 2>something that also I think women we specifically have we're

0:35:34.400 --> 0:35:35.960
<v Speaker 2>you know, used to have to give birth in the

0:35:36.000 --> 0:35:39.360
<v Speaker 2>woods at fifteen blood everywhere with predators around. Is that

0:35:39.400 --> 0:35:40.719
<v Speaker 2>a line? Is that a line? Is that a line?

0:35:40.760 --> 0:35:44.480
<v Speaker 2>Is that a lot? Like? That's you know, survival narrative.

0:35:45.880 --> 0:35:48.800
<v Speaker 2>But I did go on first ten milligrams of prozac

0:35:48.960 --> 0:35:51.600
<v Speaker 2>and then up to twenty milligrams of prozac, which just

0:35:51.719 --> 0:35:54.640
<v Speaker 2>kind of cuts the perseveration and the loop in like

0:35:54.719 --> 0:35:57.480
<v Speaker 2>kind of in half for me of like get off

0:35:57.480 --> 0:35:59.480
<v Speaker 2>this podcast and go like, oh that was boring. You

0:35:59.520 --> 0:36:01.560
<v Speaker 2>were boring, talk too much, that was annoying. You cried

0:36:01.560 --> 0:36:03.000
<v Speaker 2>on the podcast. Why did you do that? That was

0:36:03.120 --> 0:36:05.120
<v Speaker 2>like a I'll do that for like five.

0:36:04.920 --> 0:36:07.279
<v Speaker 1>Minutes and you know instead of an hour.

0:36:07.719 --> 0:36:10.160
<v Speaker 2>Yeah, like they like, I'm going to do it as

0:36:10.239 --> 0:36:13.640
<v Speaker 2>much as it will be constructive for me to next

0:36:13.680 --> 0:36:16.520
<v Speaker 2>time improve the way I communicate, but I'm not going

0:36:16.600 --> 0:36:19.879
<v Speaker 2>to like hurt myself. You know. So I had gone

0:36:19.880 --> 0:36:22.640
<v Speaker 2>off prozac when I was pregnant, so I was definitely

0:36:22.640 --> 0:36:26.160
<v Speaker 2>off prozac as well. You know. So I'm not saying

0:36:26.200 --> 0:36:29.960
<v Speaker 2>everyone that has postpartum should be on something. For me personally,

0:36:31.200 --> 0:36:34.040
<v Speaker 2>it's a little bit of those repetitive thoughts before the

0:36:34.080 --> 0:36:37.040
<v Speaker 2>prozac kicked back in, and then I think there was

0:36:37.239 --> 0:36:39.719
<v Speaker 2>just you know how like when you almost get in

0:36:39.719 --> 0:36:43.799
<v Speaker 2>a car accident but you don't, you're fineing, you're fine,

0:36:43.840 --> 0:36:45.920
<v Speaker 2>and then you like get home and then you're like, yeah,

0:36:45.960 --> 0:36:50.080
<v Speaker 2>like it it comes out like a delay. Yeah, all

0:36:50.120 --> 0:36:52.799
<v Speaker 2>the stuff that I'm talking about of like I did

0:36:52.800 --> 0:36:54.680
<v Speaker 2>it with someone that I'm not married to and I

0:36:54.719 --> 0:36:57.080
<v Speaker 2>did it, you know, out of wedlock after my mom died.

0:36:57.120 --> 0:37:00.200
<v Speaker 2>And I'm coming off like I'm very like, I'm this

0:37:00.280 --> 0:37:03.799
<v Speaker 2>decision and I you know, that's so self actualized and

0:37:03.840 --> 0:37:06.360
<v Speaker 2>I have all this agency and I did this, you know,

0:37:06.520 --> 0:37:12.759
<v Speaker 2>kind of what's the word unconventional thing. I think that

0:37:12.800 --> 0:37:15.839
<v Speaker 2>there was like a delayed emotional hangover of having to

0:37:16.280 --> 0:37:19.520
<v Speaker 2>be an acceptance of that I didn't really have any choice,

0:37:19.560 --> 0:37:21.319
<v Speaker 2>like when I was pregnant, I was just kind of like,

0:37:21.360 --> 0:37:23.839
<v Speaker 2>this is what I'm doing. I think we forget a

0:37:23.880 --> 0:37:27.839
<v Speaker 2>lot about like the freeze response and like shock, and

0:37:28.080 --> 0:37:29.680
<v Speaker 2>it took me a lot. A lot of the time.

0:37:29.719 --> 0:37:32.279
<v Speaker 2>I'm in shock a lot, and sometimes it takes me

0:37:32.360 --> 0:37:35.960
<v Speaker 2>a second to like process something that happened. And after

0:37:36.000 --> 0:37:38.839
<v Speaker 2>I had him and things got real, Oh it's gonna

0:37:38.880 --> 0:37:44.200
<v Speaker 2>makee me cry. There is like a sadness around it also,

0:37:44.920 --> 0:37:47.560
<v Speaker 2>which is like, fine, this is a choice that I made,

0:37:48.440 --> 0:37:50.799
<v Speaker 2>you know, but there's a sadness for all of us

0:37:50.840 --> 0:37:56.239
<v Speaker 2>to go like, oh, like I'm not gonna have that thing.

0:37:56.920 --> 0:37:59.839
<v Speaker 2>You know, does anybody have it? I don't know, you know,

0:38:00.120 --> 0:38:04.000
<v Speaker 2>does anybody have it? Unclear? But you know that's why

0:38:04.040 --> 0:38:06.680
<v Speaker 2>movies like Frozen are so important because you're like, oh,

0:38:06.880 --> 0:38:09.640
<v Speaker 2>the love story between sisters. You know, Yes, But I

0:38:09.680 --> 0:38:14.120
<v Speaker 2>do think that I also had a sadness for myself

0:38:14.239 --> 0:38:17.359
<v Speaker 2>of like, whoa, I could have done that this way

0:38:17.400 --> 0:38:22.680
<v Speaker 2>this whole time and put myself through shape shifting and

0:38:22.760 --> 0:38:25.880
<v Speaker 2>pretending and trying to be the girl that he'd want

0:38:25.920 --> 0:38:27.640
<v Speaker 2>to marry so we can have the kid. You know.

0:38:27.760 --> 0:38:31.880
<v Speaker 2>I was like it was a sadness for also like

0:38:32.600 --> 0:38:36.320
<v Speaker 2>what I had done to myself and being around a baby,

0:38:38.400 --> 0:38:42.320
<v Speaker 2>it's just like it gives you a whole new level

0:38:42.520 --> 0:38:52.319
<v Speaker 2>of understanding how I guess mentally ill my parents were.

0:38:54.280 --> 0:38:57.680
<v Speaker 2>It went from like I'm mad at them to like, oh, wow,

0:38:57.840 --> 0:39:00.359
<v Speaker 2>I was in actual danger. Like when you're with a

0:39:00.400 --> 0:39:03.560
<v Speaker 2>baby and you see how defenseless they are and how innocent.

0:39:03.719 --> 0:39:09.160
<v Speaker 2>There's like a news that comes up that's like it's

0:39:09.160 --> 0:39:11.239
<v Speaker 2>like they didn't want this, Like how could you not?

0:39:11.480 --> 0:39:16.719
<v Speaker 2>You know, But addiction is real, and addiction, you know,

0:39:16.800 --> 0:39:19.400
<v Speaker 2>people that are addicted to drugs, they give their baby

0:39:19.400 --> 0:39:22.200
<v Speaker 2>away gambling. You know, I can see for you know,

0:39:22.719 --> 0:39:24.440
<v Speaker 2>So I think it's a lot of that. I think

0:39:24.480 --> 0:39:27.920
<v Speaker 2>when you're with a baby, that's so defenseless and so

0:39:28.000 --> 0:39:31.080
<v Speaker 2>innocent and so sweet. You also go like what happened?

0:39:31.200 --> 0:39:34.160
<v Speaker 2>What does this world do? Like I have this little boy,

0:39:34.200 --> 0:39:36.560
<v Speaker 2>he's the sweetest thing, and I'm like all men start

0:39:36.600 --> 0:39:40.520
<v Speaker 2>out like this, Yeah, what are we doing to these people?

0:39:40.520 --> 0:39:42.560
<v Speaker 2>You're like, what are we doing to them? So I

0:39:42.600 --> 0:39:44.799
<v Speaker 2>think there was this there's a sadness there, and then

0:39:45.719 --> 0:39:50.080
<v Speaker 2>as he gets older, I think that's when the postpartum

0:39:50.120 --> 0:39:51.799
<v Speaker 2>I don't know what to call it really hits me

0:39:51.920 --> 0:39:55.719
<v Speaker 2>because I didn't really have a childhood with toys and

0:39:55.800 --> 0:39:57.400
<v Speaker 2>play and so I'm kind of having it for the

0:39:57.440 --> 0:40:01.600
<v Speaker 2>first time with him, and it's just like sadness, which

0:40:01.640 --> 0:40:04.400
<v Speaker 2>is like I'd rather be the person cryinger on your podcast,

0:40:04.400 --> 0:40:06.919
<v Speaker 2>as much as embarrassing as it is, then the person

0:40:06.960 --> 0:40:10.080
<v Speaker 2>who's like angry later, you know, because I think I

0:40:10.120 --> 0:40:13.040
<v Speaker 2>had a lot of anger for a long time that

0:40:13.160 --> 0:40:15.360
<v Speaker 2>I just thought was like I'm funny and I'm sarcastic,

0:40:15.440 --> 0:40:18.880
<v Speaker 2>but it was like angry underneath it, you know, And

0:40:19.600 --> 0:40:20.920
<v Speaker 2>so that's kind of what it was for me. I

0:40:20.920 --> 0:40:25.759
<v Speaker 2>think it was a remix of chemical and uh, you know,

0:40:25.920 --> 0:40:28.120
<v Speaker 2>your body is not your body that I actually, for

0:40:28.160 --> 0:40:30.040
<v Speaker 2>the first time my life got obsessed with my body,

0:40:30.280 --> 0:40:35.160
<v Speaker 2>like I had eating disorders and and dysmorphia and all

0:40:35.239 --> 0:40:37.799
<v Speaker 2>kinds of it with my mind so long one side

0:40:37.840 --> 0:40:39.880
<v Speaker 2>a kid, I was like, it's not about my body.

0:40:39.880 --> 0:40:43.200
<v Speaker 2>It's I'm not trying to get some executive at CBS

0:40:43.239 --> 0:40:45.640
<v Speaker 2>to be like in em hire me. Like what I

0:40:45.640 --> 0:40:47.800
<v Speaker 2>was like, this is just my kid's house at this point,

0:40:48.320 --> 0:40:50.799
<v Speaker 2>you know, That's what I thought about it. So I

0:40:50.800 --> 0:40:55.920
<v Speaker 2>think there's just also this chrysalis of going like I'm

0:40:55.920 --> 0:40:59.279
<v Speaker 2>an adult now and the relief of like I don't

0:40:59.320 --> 0:41:02.719
<v Speaker 2>have to think about myself anymore. And I was so

0:41:02.800 --> 0:41:05.000
<v Speaker 2>sick of myself. What we do for a living. I

0:41:05.040 --> 0:41:07.359
<v Speaker 2>know everyone kind of wants to do what we do,

0:41:07.440 --> 0:41:09.839
<v Speaker 2>and that's awesome, and there's so many amazing things about

0:41:09.840 --> 0:41:13.799
<v Speaker 2>what we do. But like I was like there, I

0:41:13.840 --> 0:41:18.359
<v Speaker 2>was at a like peak mental illness, like crisis, and

0:41:18.440 --> 0:41:21.799
<v Speaker 2>I think plot twist. I guess I'm not a malignant narcissist.

0:41:22.400 --> 0:41:25.360
<v Speaker 2>I was just so sick of myself. And I realized, like,

0:41:25.400 --> 0:41:27.840
<v Speaker 2>if I'm thinking about myself all day, I hate myself.

0:41:28.400 --> 0:41:31.120
<v Speaker 2>But if I'm thinking about myself like an hour a day,

0:41:31.200 --> 0:41:34.080
<v Speaker 2>that's like that's like the sweet spot. So such a

0:41:34.160 --> 0:41:37.279
<v Speaker 2>victory in all of this, But I think once you

0:41:37.360 --> 0:41:40.360
<v Speaker 2>have that child in front of you, and the decisions

0:41:40.400 --> 0:41:43.640
<v Speaker 2>really made of like okay, like I'm a single mom,

0:41:43.680 --> 0:41:47.760
<v Speaker 2>Like okay, Like I tried. I did everything I could.

0:41:48.080 --> 0:41:51.120
<v Speaker 2>I pretended to like the you know, the Miami heat

0:41:51.239 --> 0:41:54.200
<v Speaker 2>for a guy. I pretended to like coffee. I pretended

0:41:54.200 --> 0:41:55.680
<v Speaker 2>to be this person I pretend to be in the

0:41:55.719 --> 0:42:00.520
<v Speaker 2>camping Like I tried, and it didn't work. And I could,

0:42:01.239 --> 0:42:05.640
<v Speaker 2>I couldn't make it perfect. And there's a little bit

0:42:05.640 --> 0:42:09.880
<v Speaker 2>of a like, you know, I think my son's going

0:42:09.920 --> 0:42:11.520
<v Speaker 2>to think it's cool, but there's a little bit of

0:42:11.560 --> 0:42:13.400
<v Speaker 2>like I have to explain this one day, you know.

0:42:14.120 --> 0:42:18.560
<v Speaker 1>Yeah, yeah, but I think it's kind of incredible.

0:42:19.239 --> 0:42:19.440
<v Speaker 2>You know.

0:42:20.880 --> 0:42:27.840
<v Speaker 1>I I will never forget like and this was years

0:42:27.920 --> 0:42:32.040
<v Speaker 1>before any of this, but I will never forget doing

0:42:34.160 --> 0:42:37.600
<v Speaker 1>during the pandemic when we were all home, I did

0:42:37.719 --> 0:42:42.399
<v Speaker 1>Glennon Doyle's book tour with her on Instagram live.

0:42:43.000 --> 0:42:45.200
<v Speaker 2>Yeah, and when.

0:42:45.040 --> 0:42:48.799
<v Speaker 1>She talked about being in this marriage and looking at

0:42:48.800 --> 0:42:51.840
<v Speaker 1>her daughter and saying like would I want this for

0:42:52.000 --> 0:42:55.759
<v Speaker 1>my daughter? Like I'm staying for my daughter, but what

0:42:55.920 --> 0:42:57.440
<v Speaker 1>I want my daughter to stay in this?

0:42:58.080 --> 0:42:59.560
<v Speaker 2>Oh?

0:42:59.680 --> 0:43:03.879
<v Speaker 1>I needed to hear that to eventually unpack the house

0:43:03.920 --> 0:43:06.920
<v Speaker 1>I grew up in with my parents, and I needed

0:43:06.920 --> 0:43:11.240
<v Speaker 1>to hear it so that on the precipice of having

0:43:11.280 --> 0:43:14.320
<v Speaker 1>a kid, I could say, I don't want this for

0:43:14.480 --> 0:43:21.239
<v Speaker 1>my kid. I don't want the thing i'm in that

0:43:21.440 --> 0:43:27.919
<v Speaker 1>has just eviscerated me to be the thing my kid

0:43:27.920 --> 0:43:34.680
<v Speaker 1>grows up in. And I think there's something so cool

0:43:34.840 --> 0:43:38.440
<v Speaker 1>about the fact that we all, in our own unique versions,

0:43:38.520 --> 0:43:41.440
<v Speaker 1>are having this experience because I think the kids we

0:43:41.560 --> 0:43:47.840
<v Speaker 1>raise are going to be more mentally healthy because we

0:43:47.920 --> 0:43:53.360
<v Speaker 1>can talk to them about finding mental toughness, about finding

0:43:53.560 --> 0:43:57.759
<v Speaker 1>our own mental health, about not having to make it

0:43:57.880 --> 0:44:02.239
<v Speaker 1>look perfect, and not trying to go after you know,

0:44:02.480 --> 0:44:10.719
<v Speaker 1>the fairy tale ending, but actually finding joy and personal fulfillment,

0:44:11.000 --> 0:44:15.520
<v Speaker 1>even when it requires so much courage because you have

0:44:15.600 --> 0:44:16.680
<v Speaker 1>to do the brave, hard thing.

0:44:17.600 --> 0:44:19.680
<v Speaker 2>But I think that what you're saying is making me

0:44:19.719 --> 0:44:21.360
<v Speaker 2>think for the first time. The idea is that I

0:44:21.360 --> 0:44:24.200
<v Speaker 2>think this generation we're kind of been chosen to be

0:44:24.239 --> 0:44:27.640
<v Speaker 2>the cycle breakers, and hopefully this next generation doesn't need

0:44:27.680 --> 0:44:31.960
<v Speaker 2>to have constant mental health CONTs all the time. Hopefully

0:44:31.960 --> 0:44:35.439
<v Speaker 2>there's meditation in schools and there's you know, school isn't

0:44:35.480 --> 0:44:39.160
<v Speaker 2>just sitting down and staring at us memorizing when that's

0:44:39.200 --> 0:44:41.440
<v Speaker 2>not how we're wired. You know. Like I think this

0:44:41.560 --> 0:44:43.880
<v Speaker 2>next generation, you know, is going to look at phones

0:44:43.920 --> 0:44:45.840
<v Speaker 2>the way we look at cigarettes. We're gonna be like

0:44:45.880 --> 0:44:48.600
<v Speaker 2>you guys just did that all day inside, you know

0:44:48.680 --> 0:44:51.120
<v Speaker 2>all the I think that, like we're kind of the

0:44:51.120 --> 0:44:53.360
<v Speaker 2>the you know, our parents, Uh, I mean the parents

0:44:53.360 --> 0:44:55.440
<v Speaker 2>before that were just a wash there. They were like

0:44:55.560 --> 0:44:59.040
<v Speaker 2>kids working in factories. You know, They're doing pretty good

0:44:59.080 --> 0:45:03.240
<v Speaker 2>given the circumstance. It says that generationally and our parents

0:45:03.239 --> 0:45:06.880
<v Speaker 2>were raised by you know, people that are completely emotionally

0:45:06.880 --> 0:45:09.720
<v Speaker 2>shut down, that were like in wars, you know, and

0:45:09.760 --> 0:45:12.399
<v Speaker 2>then us, like I think we're the ones that are

0:45:12.440 --> 0:45:15.160
<v Speaker 2>hopefully going to get a modicum of you know, sort

0:45:15.160 --> 0:45:17.799
<v Speaker 2>of mental health in place, so this next generation can

0:45:17.920 --> 0:45:22.440
<v Speaker 2>just exist and being in a way. You know. But

0:45:23.560 --> 0:45:26.520
<v Speaker 2>it's it's it's a lot, man, And like I think

0:45:26.520 --> 0:45:28.239
<v Speaker 2>to me, you know, I really stick with a lot

0:45:28.239 --> 0:45:32.200
<v Speaker 2>of like basics, like gratitude list is it? Because the

0:45:32.640 --> 0:45:34.680
<v Speaker 2>worst thing I think we can be at this point

0:45:34.880 --> 0:45:35.760
<v Speaker 2>is a sore winner?

0:45:36.200 --> 0:45:37.879
<v Speaker 1>Yeah? Do you do that every day?

0:45:38.560 --> 0:45:38.799
<v Speaker 2>Yeah?

0:45:39.080 --> 0:45:41.120
<v Speaker 1>Make a gratitude list? Do you do it in the

0:45:41.160 --> 0:45:41.919
<v Speaker 1>morning or at night.

0:45:42.440 --> 0:45:44.400
<v Speaker 2>I do it usually at night before bed, because I

0:45:44.440 --> 0:45:46.919
<v Speaker 2>do a ten step in a twelve step program, which

0:45:46.960 --> 0:45:49.760
<v Speaker 2>is where you go, do I owe any apologies today?

0:45:50.760 --> 0:45:52.640
<v Speaker 2>You know? Do I have any resentments from today? Do

0:45:52.640 --> 0:45:55.200
<v Speaker 2>I have any fears from today? And then like gratitude

0:45:55.200 --> 0:45:59.360
<v Speaker 2>list before bed? Yeah, it's good. Yeah, that's like a

0:45:59.360 --> 0:46:01.319
<v Speaker 2>ten step and a twelve step programs so that you

0:46:01.320 --> 0:46:03.520
<v Speaker 2>don't like carry shame and in the next day or

0:46:03.520 --> 0:46:05.680
<v Speaker 2>you're not like laying in bed and being like, was

0:46:05.680 --> 0:46:07.799
<v Speaker 2>I like weird on Sophia's podcast? Would I reach out

0:46:07.840 --> 0:46:10.200
<v Speaker 2>to her and like you should hang out? Did I

0:46:10.239 --> 0:46:11.959
<v Speaker 2>drop the ball on that? Like instead of just thinking

0:46:12.000 --> 0:46:15.280
<v Speaker 2>about it, I can just go like, hey, you know, sorry,

0:46:15.400 --> 0:46:18.120
<v Speaker 2>if that I was late, great talking to you, like

0:46:18.160 --> 0:46:20.960
<v Speaker 2>whatever it is. I can just make an apology where

0:46:21.040 --> 0:46:23.080
<v Speaker 2>I need to, so that I'm not beating myself up

0:46:23.280 --> 0:46:28.480
<v Speaker 2>over it and accruing an embarrassment kind of thing. But yeah,

0:46:28.520 --> 0:46:32.399
<v Speaker 2>I really am trying to write stuff down. I have

0:46:32.440 --> 0:46:37.439
<v Speaker 2>a typewriter now, typewriter that does not have Wi Fi

0:46:37.480 --> 0:46:37.799
<v Speaker 2>on it.

0:46:38.080 --> 0:46:38.880
<v Speaker 1>We like that.

0:46:39.400 --> 0:46:42.080
<v Speaker 2>I do think another part of postpartum depression. I'm not

0:46:42.080 --> 0:46:44.120
<v Speaker 2>hearing a lot about me, not because just because i'm

0:46:44.760 --> 0:46:47.880
<v Speaker 2>you know, I'm sure it's a discussion, but you're really

0:46:48.880 --> 0:46:51.280
<v Speaker 2>really faced with your addictions after you have a kid

0:46:51.880 --> 0:46:57.840
<v Speaker 2>and hardcore because you're like, oh, he's on the table sleeping,

0:46:58.200 --> 0:47:01.279
<v Speaker 2>or he's in the bouncer or whatever, sleeping. Okay, do

0:47:01.360 --> 0:47:03.160
<v Speaker 2>I have a second to go get my phone? Like

0:47:03.680 --> 0:47:06.759
<v Speaker 2>there was a couple of times where I made the

0:47:06.760 --> 0:47:10.560
<v Speaker 2>wrong decision because I had to get my phone or

0:47:10.600 --> 0:47:14.080
<v Speaker 2>look at my phone. And nothing bad happened, but like

0:47:14.160 --> 0:47:17.520
<v Speaker 2>it could have where I was kind of rolling the dice.

0:47:18.080 --> 0:47:22.200
<v Speaker 2>And addictions make you sort of less able to assess

0:47:22.239 --> 0:47:24.640
<v Speaker 2>the true danger of something because we want that fix

0:47:24.760 --> 0:47:27.279
<v Speaker 2>so bad. Thank God for me, it's not you know, substances,

0:47:27.280 --> 0:47:29.520
<v Speaker 2>but like there's times he was like on the bed

0:47:29.560 --> 0:47:31.520
<v Speaker 2>and I was like, oh, just I'll just turn on

0:47:31.560 --> 0:47:33.160
<v Speaker 2>real quick and I'll get my phone and I'll send

0:47:33.160 --> 0:47:35.160
<v Speaker 2>that Instagram, you know, And I was like, oh, I'm

0:47:35.200 --> 0:47:38.279
<v Speaker 2>kind of addicted to my phone because I'm gambling. I'm

0:47:38.360 --> 0:47:41.600
<v Speaker 2>kind of gambling with my son's safety, as you know.

0:47:42.760 --> 0:47:46.799
<v Speaker 2>And nothing bad happened, but it could have, right, So

0:47:46.880 --> 0:47:50.040
<v Speaker 2>you have to face a lot of your like embarrassing

0:47:50.239 --> 0:47:53.600
<v Speaker 2>inner monologue where you're there with your baby and you're

0:47:53.680 --> 0:47:55.680
<v Speaker 2>kind of like, I gotta make a TikTok.

0:47:57.000 --> 0:48:12.680
<v Speaker 1>You're like, oh, and now a word from our wonderful sponsors. Okay.

0:48:12.719 --> 0:48:17.080
<v Speaker 1>So I'm really curious about this because this has brought

0:48:17.160 --> 0:48:20.920
<v Speaker 1>you so much mental clarity and it feels like a

0:48:20.960 --> 0:48:25.239
<v Speaker 1>lot of emotional softening and has a required bravery and

0:48:25.280 --> 0:48:28.600
<v Speaker 1>all these things, and like you said, you're facing all

0:48:28.600 --> 0:48:31.040
<v Speaker 1>of this. The typewriter is genius.

0:48:31.719 --> 0:48:36.520
<v Speaker 2>Also go I'm falling behind, looking at my son and

0:48:36.560 --> 0:48:41.200
<v Speaker 2>going I'm falling behind. Put another stand up special out.

0:48:41.480 --> 0:48:43.360
<v Speaker 1>So that was gonna be my question. How do you

0:48:43.520 --> 0:48:46.280
<v Speaker 1>from this place say I want to write new comedy.

0:48:46.320 --> 0:48:48.560
<v Speaker 1>I want to go and do a tour Like what

0:48:48.760 --> 0:48:50.239
<v Speaker 1>is is it?

0:48:50.400 --> 0:48:50.560
<v Speaker 2>Oh?

0:48:50.600 --> 0:48:53.000
<v Speaker 1>I took a break and now I have to get

0:48:53.000 --> 0:48:56.640
<v Speaker 1>to work. I'm going to go do the big baby tour.

0:48:56.880 --> 0:49:01.480
<v Speaker 1>Or were you like, Oh, I've made more space emotionally

0:49:01.640 --> 0:49:04.560
<v Speaker 1>and now I want this creative hit for myself as well.

0:49:05.520 --> 0:49:09.200
<v Speaker 2>I had no ability to be creative for like six months,

0:49:09.239 --> 0:49:11.880
<v Speaker 2>and I think that was another element of the postpartum

0:49:11.880 --> 0:49:14.560
<v Speaker 2>depression of like that I didn't want to talk about

0:49:14.640 --> 0:49:16.919
<v Speaker 2>and I still don't want to talk about I only

0:49:16.960 --> 0:49:22.440
<v Speaker 2>do this for you because my brain didn't work, they said, mom,

0:49:22.520 --> 0:49:25.040
<v Speaker 2>brain whatever, you know my brain. I couldn't remember the

0:49:25.080 --> 0:49:27.800
<v Speaker 2>most basic things. I couldn't make jokes, I couldn't write jokes.

0:49:27.800 --> 0:49:30.799
<v Speaker 2>Like I just was like, I was really scared at

0:49:30.800 --> 0:49:33.520
<v Speaker 2>how for lack of a better work dumb I was.

0:49:33.760 --> 0:49:37.000
<v Speaker 2>And it did make me realize, like so much of

0:49:37.040 --> 0:49:41.719
<v Speaker 2>my self esteem is about how much I know? And

0:49:41.800 --> 0:49:45.040
<v Speaker 2>am I smart? And am I funny? And I wasn't

0:49:45.040 --> 0:49:47.799
<v Speaker 2>those things six months after I had my kid, and

0:49:47.800 --> 0:49:50.600
<v Speaker 2>I was like, I'm useless, Like I'm not funny, I'm

0:49:50.640 --> 0:49:54.280
<v Speaker 2>not smart, I'm not interesting. I can't remember anything. And

0:49:54.360 --> 0:49:58.160
<v Speaker 2>it helped me really see that and how this is

0:49:58.160 --> 0:50:00.600
<v Speaker 2>where I get my value and what I think people

0:50:00.680 --> 0:50:03.840
<v Speaker 2>like about me, which is probably the opposite. People like

0:50:03.880 --> 0:50:05.479
<v Speaker 2>she's such a know it all. We liked her better,

0:50:07.200 --> 0:50:09.560
<v Speaker 2>So I had to face that. And then you know,

0:50:09.600 --> 0:50:13.600
<v Speaker 2>to me, I'm really big on software updates for our brains.

0:50:13.840 --> 0:50:17.040
<v Speaker 2>You know, take the time and have the software update.

0:50:17.080 --> 0:50:18.759
<v Speaker 2>In order for art to imitate life, you have to

0:50:18.760 --> 0:50:21.359
<v Speaker 2>have a life. And I've always struggled with that. I'm

0:50:21.360 --> 0:50:23.160
<v Speaker 2>sort of like next special may learn to write more jokes.

0:50:23.160 --> 0:50:24.919
<v Speaker 2>Write more jokes, and you end up kind of writing

0:50:24.920 --> 0:50:27.200
<v Speaker 2>about the same things and sort of doing a bad

0:50:27.239 --> 0:50:30.719
<v Speaker 2>impression of yourself. I think it's really important that we

0:50:30.760 --> 0:50:35.040
<v Speaker 2>all consciously decide to grow and mature. And I have

0:50:35.040 --> 0:50:37.120
<v Speaker 2>no allegiance to the person I was yesterday, and I

0:50:37.200 --> 0:50:40.880
<v Speaker 2>really try to go like if I do this quickly

0:50:40.920 --> 0:50:43.320
<v Speaker 2>and fast, it's not going to be thoughtful and mindful.

0:50:43.400 --> 0:50:44.960
<v Speaker 2>So much of stand up is just like spending a

0:50:45.000 --> 0:50:48.080
<v Speaker 2>lot of time ruminating and like trying to fair opinion

0:50:48.160 --> 0:50:49.759
<v Speaker 2>is on something. And I was like, Okay, let me

0:50:49.800 --> 0:50:51.680
<v Speaker 2>just take this time to like read all the books

0:50:51.680 --> 0:50:55.000
<v Speaker 2>that I pretend I've read, and let me finish all

0:50:55.040 --> 0:50:57.280
<v Speaker 2>the books that I say I've finished but I haven't,

0:50:57.560 --> 0:51:01.160
<v Speaker 2>you know, and just like live my life a little

0:51:01.160 --> 0:51:03.440
<v Speaker 2>and like do chores. And I and I realized that,

0:51:03.560 --> 0:51:06.959
<v Speaker 2>like so dorky, but chores are such a big part

0:51:07.000 --> 0:51:10.480
<v Speaker 2>of my sanity. Double virgo till I die. But I

0:51:10.520 --> 0:51:12.920
<v Speaker 2>had gotten some help, like you know, when I had

0:51:12.920 --> 0:51:14.400
<v Speaker 2>the kid, when I was pregnant, and I was like,

0:51:14.440 --> 0:51:16.400
<v Speaker 2>I just want to go back to every morning doing

0:51:16.480 --> 0:51:20.280
<v Speaker 2>some like you know, things that need to be done,

0:51:20.440 --> 0:51:24.160
<v Speaker 2>you know, productivity and cooperation make dopamine. I want to

0:51:24.239 --> 0:51:26.640
<v Speaker 2>like take care of my own I just think we're

0:51:26.680 --> 0:51:30.319
<v Speaker 2>so wired just like do things for ourselves that need

0:51:30.360 --> 0:51:32.200
<v Speaker 2>to be done. I used to have someone that did

0:51:32.200 --> 0:51:34.839
<v Speaker 2>my like garden. I started doing it myself, and I'm

0:51:34.880 --> 0:51:38.319
<v Speaker 2>like such a happier person. You know. It's such a

0:51:38.360 --> 0:51:41.920
<v Speaker 2>simple thing. I know, but before you go to the therapist,

0:51:42.040 --> 0:51:46.400
<v Speaker 2>like clean your house, clean out your car, and plant

0:51:46.480 --> 0:51:49.200
<v Speaker 2>some flowers and like see what happened. So I like

0:51:49.280 --> 0:51:51.880
<v Speaker 2>wake up in the sunlight gardening. I think we're just

0:51:51.920 --> 0:51:55.279
<v Speaker 2>really wired, like barefoot connect to the earth. I know

0:51:55.360 --> 0:51:58.400
<v Speaker 2>this sounds so tanga of me right now, but that

0:51:58.520 --> 0:52:00.480
<v Speaker 2>I really you know. And then I want my son.

0:52:00.560 --> 0:52:03.279
<v Speaker 2>He just wants to like rake and dig, and I'm like, God,

0:52:03.400 --> 0:52:06.120
<v Speaker 2>this is kind of what we're wired to do. So

0:52:06.360 --> 0:52:11.239
<v Speaker 2>little that started started helping me and not going like

0:52:11.280 --> 0:52:13.200
<v Speaker 2>I need to write five pages of jokes today. I

0:52:13.200 --> 0:52:16.239
<v Speaker 2>was like, let me just be a person. And then

0:52:16.280 --> 0:52:18.480
<v Speaker 2>the clarity started coming back, and I think a lot

0:52:18.480 --> 0:52:21.800
<v Speaker 2>of things that I don't remember I wasn't meant to remember.

0:52:21.880 --> 0:52:24.040
<v Speaker 2>Here's the good news, Like once you have a kid,

0:52:24.040 --> 0:52:27.359
<v Speaker 2>there's a little bit of like a hippocampus wipe I've

0:52:27.400 --> 0:52:29.759
<v Speaker 2>run into side pool, had a great conversation with a

0:52:29.760 --> 0:52:31.920
<v Speaker 2>couple guys. Two weeks later, I was like, wait, oh

0:52:31.960 --> 0:52:37.239
<v Speaker 2>we dated whoa, whoa when I had a kid. In

0:52:37.239 --> 0:52:39.279
<v Speaker 2>my brain was like, we don't need that. We don't

0:52:39.280 --> 0:52:42.520
<v Speaker 2>need that, like little things you know that you carry,

0:52:42.600 --> 0:52:45.680
<v Speaker 2>like that a was mean to me and that person

0:52:45.880 --> 0:52:49.200
<v Speaker 2>was said something nasty on social about me. It's like, gone,

0:52:49.840 --> 0:52:51.759
<v Speaker 2>you know, that's a good thing about mom brain. Is

0:52:51.800 --> 0:52:54.240
<v Speaker 2>that a nice state of like the stuff that doesn't

0:52:54.239 --> 0:52:55.600
<v Speaker 2>matter is just kind of gone.

0:52:56.680 --> 0:53:01.239
<v Speaker 1>Yeah, that's great. I mean, look, I I'm sad for

0:53:01.280 --> 0:53:03.960
<v Speaker 1>you that it felt so stressful, and it definitely makes

0:53:03.960 --> 0:53:06.040
<v Speaker 1>me want to double down on the fact that, you know,

0:53:06.120 --> 0:53:08.920
<v Speaker 1>we actually need paid leave in this country because in

0:53:08.960 --> 0:53:11.239
<v Speaker 1>other countries you can be a CEO and then have

0:53:11.320 --> 0:53:13.799
<v Speaker 1>a year off with your baby, and in America they're

0:53:13.840 --> 0:53:15.799
<v Speaker 1>like two weeks isn't long enough and you're like, no,

0:53:15.880 --> 0:53:17.759
<v Speaker 1>I'm literally still waiting. What are you talking about.

0:53:17.920 --> 0:53:20.000
<v Speaker 2>I've not a couple of people that went to England

0:53:20.000 --> 0:53:22.680
<v Speaker 2>to have their child because it is cheaper to fly

0:53:22.840 --> 0:53:27.200
<v Speaker 2>to London. What tell have your baby and fly.

0:53:27.120 --> 0:53:28.839
<v Speaker 1>Back then to just do it here?

0:53:29.239 --> 0:53:33.400
<v Speaker 2>Yeah? Boy? And also everything that you said about making

0:53:33.400 --> 0:53:35.640
<v Speaker 2>peace with your parents, because when you have a kid,

0:53:35.800 --> 0:53:38.600
<v Speaker 2>come along. They're your childcare. I mean in this country,

0:53:38.760 --> 0:53:42.919
<v Speaker 2>like your parents, your sister. You know. So I'm still alive.

0:53:42.960 --> 0:53:43.879
<v Speaker 2>I would have been like, you know.

0:53:43.840 --> 0:53:48.000
<v Speaker 1>What, it's fine, come over. I really, I mean ten

0:53:48.080 --> 0:53:49.879
<v Speaker 1>minutes to make a TikTok. Thank you.

0:53:50.320 --> 0:53:51.799
<v Speaker 2>This is your way to get right with God and

0:53:51.840 --> 0:53:52.040
<v Speaker 2>get you.

0:53:53.120 --> 0:53:55.200
<v Speaker 1>But yeah, I'm cashing in on all my karmic points.

0:53:55.200 --> 0:53:56.360
<v Speaker 1>Thank you so much.

0:53:57.160 --> 0:53:59.239
<v Speaker 2>But so yeah, you get another reason to forgive your

0:53:59.280 --> 0:54:02.399
<v Speaker 2>parents because you will, yeah you know. But yeah, it's

0:54:02.920 --> 0:54:04.120
<v Speaker 2>it's just a trip, you know.

0:54:04.640 --> 0:54:07.000
<v Speaker 1>And now a word from our sponsors that I really

0:54:07.080 --> 0:54:17.200
<v Speaker 1>enjoy and I think you will too. Okay, tell me

0:54:18.080 --> 0:54:20.200
<v Speaker 1>because obviously I just want to talk to you about

0:54:20.239 --> 0:54:22.600
<v Speaker 1>life all the time and eventually actually come over and

0:54:22.680 --> 0:54:25.600
<v Speaker 1>ride your horses. But I do want to talk about

0:54:25.600 --> 0:54:28.160
<v Speaker 1>your work because I'm very excited about it. How many

0:54:28.200 --> 0:54:30.520
<v Speaker 1>cities are you going to on tour? Where do the

0:54:30.560 --> 0:54:34.439
<v Speaker 1>people get the tickets? Like people want to come and

0:54:34.560 --> 0:54:36.040
<v Speaker 1>watch you make them laugh.

0:54:36.800 --> 0:54:39.839
<v Speaker 2>That's so nice. I think that, honestly, And that's not

0:54:39.920 --> 0:54:42.239
<v Speaker 2>just because this is my job. I think coming to

0:54:42.239 --> 0:54:44.279
<v Speaker 2>see a stand up show even if it's not me,

0:54:44.400 --> 0:54:46.000
<v Speaker 2>even if you don't think women are funny or whatever,

0:54:46.200 --> 0:54:50.719
<v Speaker 2>go see life because it really is like anathema and

0:54:51.000 --> 0:54:54.080
<v Speaker 2>alternative data to what we're seeing online every day, Like yes,

0:54:54.320 --> 0:54:56.440
<v Speaker 2>online every day. You would just think people just want

0:54:56.480 --> 0:54:59.960
<v Speaker 2>to fight. People hate each other. People if they voted differently,

0:55:00.120 --> 0:55:02.200
<v Speaker 2>they won't speak to each other. Nobody wants to laugh.

0:55:02.239 --> 0:55:04.640
<v Speaker 2>Everybody hates comedy. Everyone's going out of their way to

0:55:04.920 --> 0:55:07.600
<v Speaker 2>intentionally misunderstand a joke in order to be offended. And

0:55:08.360 --> 0:55:10.360
<v Speaker 2>then you're in like a room with three thousand people

0:55:10.400 --> 0:55:13.960
<v Speaker 2>that all showed up to laugh, shoulder to shoulder. They

0:55:13.960 --> 0:55:15.960
<v Speaker 2>don't know how the person next to them voted. Everyone

0:55:16.040 --> 0:55:18.400
<v Speaker 2>laughing about the same thing, having the same experience like

0:55:18.840 --> 0:55:21.440
<v Speaker 2>it is just like makes me feel so hopeful to

0:55:21.480 --> 0:55:24.480
<v Speaker 2>see so many people like going. We want to like

0:55:24.640 --> 0:55:28.480
<v Speaker 2>enjoy this life. It's not guaranteed, you know, I don't

0:55:28.520 --> 0:55:30.480
<v Speaker 2>know how then, you know, if I'm going to survive tomorrow,

0:55:30.640 --> 0:55:33.680
<v Speaker 2>Let's just laugh about all this. And we don't want

0:55:33.719 --> 0:55:36.239
<v Speaker 2>to be miserable. You know, We're not the people that

0:55:36.280 --> 0:55:38.920
<v Speaker 2>are just like signing up to be miserable and a

0:55:39.000 --> 0:55:41.920
<v Speaker 2>dreanalized you know, although I know that that hating online,

0:55:41.920 --> 0:55:44.200
<v Speaker 2>that's an addiction. I think we'll look back, you know,

0:55:44.920 --> 0:55:46.839
<v Speaker 2>like there'll be laws that are like you can only

0:55:46.840 --> 0:55:48.400
<v Speaker 2>make five comments a day or whatever.

0:55:50.160 --> 0:55:52.000
<v Speaker 1>That would be incredible.

0:55:51.719 --> 0:55:52.960
<v Speaker 2>You know what I mean. Like, I think it's it's

0:55:52.960 --> 0:55:56.160
<v Speaker 2>self righteous in ignation. It's an adrenaline addiction. And guess

0:55:56.239 --> 0:56:01.080
<v Speaker 2>what if I was eighteen, I'd probably be that person.

0:56:02.000 --> 0:56:03.399
<v Speaker 2>I'd probably be online.

0:56:03.120 --> 0:56:09.320
<v Speaker 3>Like Jill adrim Brodie throwing your gunt, your girlfriend or whatever.

0:56:09.880 --> 0:56:11.840
<v Speaker 3>It's like, I'd probably be that person if I didn't

0:56:12.239 --> 0:56:13.960
<v Speaker 3>have the outlet of doing stand up and writing.

0:56:14.080 --> 0:56:17.120
<v Speaker 2>You know, I get it if you we get hurt

0:56:17.160 --> 0:56:20.400
<v Speaker 2>all the time. We get heard people here like you know,

0:56:20.480 --> 0:56:21.960
<v Speaker 2>want to hear us, Like a lot of people don't

0:56:21.960 --> 0:56:23.480
<v Speaker 2>get heard. You know. If I didn't get hurt, I'm

0:56:23.520 --> 0:56:26.319
<v Speaker 2>sure i'd be doing that and so uh so, yeah,

0:56:26.360 --> 0:56:29.800
<v Speaker 2>Whitney Comedies dot Com. I don't you know, it's I

0:56:29.800 --> 0:56:31.520
<v Speaker 2>don't know, I'm so embarrassed. I'm just I have so

0:56:31.600 --> 0:56:32.640
<v Speaker 2>much shame around.

0:56:32.400 --> 0:56:36.040
<v Speaker 1>That, don't we And you're because you're right, laughter really

0:56:36.120 --> 0:56:40.440
<v Speaker 1>is medicine. And it's like I think that I think

0:56:40.560 --> 0:56:43.440
<v Speaker 1>vulnerability is medicine. I think laughter is medicine. I think

0:56:43.560 --> 0:56:47.080
<v Speaker 1>they are both so essential in a world where we

0:56:47.120 --> 0:56:53.640
<v Speaker 1>are trying to resist the Andrew tatification of society, and

0:56:53.760 --> 0:56:57.000
<v Speaker 1>like we we need to be reminded, as you said,

0:56:57.080 --> 0:56:59.640
<v Speaker 1>that not everyone is like violent and terrible en out

0:56:59.680 --> 0:57:00.439
<v Speaker 1>to get each other.

0:57:01.239 --> 0:57:03.640
<v Speaker 2>Yeah, I mean I also think like we have to remember,

0:57:03.640 --> 0:57:06.640
<v Speaker 2>like I don't know that much about that guy, but

0:57:07.440 --> 0:57:09.600
<v Speaker 2>there's always been good and evil. They'll always be good

0:57:09.600 --> 0:57:14.240
<v Speaker 2>and evil. I think, like, you know, evil is always louder,

0:57:14.520 --> 0:57:17.240
<v Speaker 2>and mental illness is always louder. So I think we

0:57:17.280 --> 0:57:19.200
<v Speaker 2>also have to choose. This might be a hot take,

0:57:19.240 --> 0:57:22.400
<v Speaker 2>like people who talk about like mental illness, you know,

0:57:22.440 --> 0:57:24.080
<v Speaker 2>mental health, we got to talk about it.

0:57:24.320 --> 0:57:25.840
<v Speaker 1>You might say they're in a lot of pain.

0:57:26.320 --> 0:57:29.600
<v Speaker 2>Sounds like they're in a lot of pain, you know.

0:57:31.520 --> 0:57:35.280
<v Speaker 2>And look, I also think, like I'm not gonna you know,

0:57:35.640 --> 0:57:38.400
<v Speaker 2>I'm still trying to figure out what my quote religion is.

0:57:38.600 --> 0:57:41.040
<v Speaker 2>You know, even people that like I'm a theists, that's

0:57:41.040 --> 0:57:43.960
<v Speaker 2>a religion. You know. For everyone I know that doesn't

0:57:43.960 --> 0:57:46.720
<v Speaker 2>have religion, they're like I have five hundred crystals that

0:57:46.760 --> 0:57:48.360
<v Speaker 2>have names and talk to each other, you know, I

0:57:48.360 --> 0:57:51.240
<v Speaker 2>don't know, everyone's got their religion you know, I think

0:57:51.240 --> 0:57:55.040
<v Speaker 2>it's finding one that is, you know, doesn't depend on

0:57:55.360 --> 0:57:57.480
<v Speaker 2>like women are dumb whares.

0:57:57.920 --> 0:58:01.240
<v Speaker 1>You know, maybe that doesn't depend unharming others that would

0:58:01.240 --> 0:58:01.560
<v Speaker 1>be cool.

0:58:01.840 --> 0:58:03.200
<v Speaker 2>Is that what it is? I don't know that much

0:58:03.200 --> 0:58:07.440
<v Speaker 2>about him that if a man goes bald prematurely, everyone

0:58:07.480 --> 0:58:07.880
<v Speaker 2>will pay.

0:58:09.440 --> 0:58:11.840
<v Speaker 1>Yeah, oh god, that's a deep cut. I feel that.

0:58:11.760 --> 0:58:14.240
<v Speaker 2>We need better care transplants for men.

0:58:14.800 --> 0:58:17.640
<v Speaker 1>Yeah, because maybe we could have avoided the whole mess if.

0:58:17.560 --> 0:58:19.600
<v Speaker 2>He'd there's a photo of it. I looked. I was

0:58:19.600 --> 0:58:21.000
<v Speaker 2>googling Andrew Takes. I was like, I'm gonna do a

0:58:21.000 --> 0:58:22.600
<v Speaker 2>bit on him on my podcast, Like I don't really

0:58:22.640 --> 0:58:24.920
<v Speaker 2>know who this guy is. And there's a photo of

0:58:25.000 --> 0:58:27.320
<v Speaker 2>him with like, uh huh the balding.

0:58:27.520 --> 0:58:29.800
<v Speaker 1>Yah, I know exactly what photo you're talking about.

0:58:29.880 --> 0:58:32.360
<v Speaker 2>Yeah, that's it. That's it. We just need better transplants

0:58:32.400 --> 0:58:34.160
<v Speaker 2>for men so they don't have to be this angry.

0:58:34.640 --> 0:58:36.320
<v Speaker 1>Great, we've solved it.

0:58:36.400 --> 0:58:37.480
<v Speaker 2>Also, what happened to him?

0:58:37.640 --> 0:58:39.320
<v Speaker 1>Yeah, I don't know what happened to that guy?

0:58:39.960 --> 0:58:43.560
<v Speaker 2>Put me in the caids with his parents, Like, what

0:58:43.800 --> 0:58:45.760
<v Speaker 2>happened to that guy? I'm not going to be the

0:58:45.800 --> 0:58:47.840
<v Speaker 2>person that goes it drives me nuts when every serial

0:58:47.920 --> 0:58:51.160
<v Speaker 2>killer they're like, well, his mom didn't let him wear pantyhose,

0:58:51.360 --> 0:58:53.800
<v Speaker 2>so they always serial killers, they always blame the mom.

0:58:53.920 --> 0:58:54.880
<v Speaker 1>They always blame the mom.

0:58:54.960 --> 0:58:56.880
<v Speaker 2>Yeah, okay, if my son is a serial killer, it

0:58:56.960 --> 0:59:02.760
<v Speaker 2>is that's his dad. I don't know, let's play it.

0:59:03.280 --> 0:59:07.360
<v Speaker 2>But I just it's like, I don't know, we're talking

0:59:07.360 --> 0:59:09.560
<v Speaker 2>about like our parents kind of set up us on

0:59:09.640 --> 0:59:13.000
<v Speaker 2>a weird track, like totally what what did he not

0:59:13.040 --> 0:59:15.960
<v Speaker 2>get as a child? I don't know, or maybe psychopath

0:59:16.000 --> 0:59:16.400
<v Speaker 2>I don't.

0:59:16.280 --> 0:59:18.600
<v Speaker 1>Know, maybe all all of it. It seems like a

0:59:18.600 --> 0:59:20.000
<v Speaker 1>lot of cats in a bag.

0:59:20.280 --> 0:59:22.360
<v Speaker 2>Like do you think anyone would bring who's that life

0:59:22.440 --> 0:59:24.000
<v Speaker 2>if they could have another one?

0:59:24.760 --> 0:59:28.400
<v Speaker 1>I don't really know. I think to your point, I

0:59:28.480 --> 0:59:31.560
<v Speaker 1>think some people want attention so badly that they're literally

0:59:31.600 --> 0:59:33.480
<v Speaker 1>willing to do anything to get it. And I do

0:59:33.640 --> 0:59:36.680
<v Speaker 1>find that to be sad. You know, we're having this

0:59:36.760 --> 0:59:39.280
<v Speaker 1>conversation on podcasts other people are going to listen to,

0:59:39.360 --> 0:59:40.200
<v Speaker 1>so what do we know?

0:59:40.440 --> 0:59:43.760
<v Speaker 2>I totally I just kind of like I just always

0:59:43.840 --> 0:59:47.240
<v Speaker 2>go for criminal defense in a way because that just

0:59:47.240 --> 0:59:49.720
<v Speaker 2>makes me go like how would any like how did

0:59:49.720 --> 0:59:51.680
<v Speaker 2>you get there? How could I like if I had

0:59:51.720 --> 0:59:52.919
<v Speaker 2>to defend you. What would I do?

0:59:53.480 --> 0:59:56.919
<v Speaker 1>This is indicative to me of why we both do this,

0:59:57.080 --> 1:00:00.120
<v Speaker 1>because we like to ask questions. I like to interview people. Well,

1:00:01.360 --> 1:00:04.160
<v Speaker 1>you have a podcast, I assume you like it also,

1:00:04.320 --> 1:00:09.080
<v Speaker 1>or you wouldn't do you prefer being interviewed or doing

1:00:09.120 --> 1:00:09.880
<v Speaker 1>the interviewing.

1:00:11.160 --> 1:00:16.000
<v Speaker 2>I kind of stopped having guests recently, really yeah, because

1:00:16.200 --> 1:00:20.640
<v Speaker 2>I just I don't know, I tend to be a

1:00:20.640 --> 1:00:24.360
<v Speaker 2>little wild and a lot of times like, oh my god,

1:00:24.400 --> 1:00:27.000
<v Speaker 2>that was so interesting, and then the day before it

1:00:27.000 --> 1:00:28.400
<v Speaker 2>comes out, they're like, can you cut this part in

1:00:28.440 --> 1:00:30.480
<v Speaker 2>this part in this part? And I'm like, oh, you know,

1:00:30.640 --> 1:00:33.959
<v Speaker 2>And I don't want anyone to ever feel like, you know, uncomfortable.

1:00:34.120 --> 1:00:37.880
<v Speaker 2>And I also get so excited to talk to people

1:00:37.960 --> 1:00:40.560
<v Speaker 2>that I feel like I'm interrupting and I'm annoying, and

1:00:40.600 --> 1:00:42.320
<v Speaker 2>I don't know, I just need like a little break

1:00:42.360 --> 1:00:46.520
<v Speaker 2>from from guests. But I also think really quick with

1:00:46.600 --> 1:00:49.760
<v Speaker 2>the Andrew Tate thing, I do think we we talk

1:00:49.800 --> 1:00:53.760
<v Speaker 2>about mental health a lot, but enough people talking about

1:00:54.320 --> 1:00:58.720
<v Speaker 2>when boys are abused, like we think it's like funny,

1:00:59.280 --> 1:01:03.360
<v Speaker 2>like it's like a punchline that like the Catholic priests

1:01:03.400 --> 1:01:07.000
<v Speaker 2>like molested, hideous, like, what do you think those kids

1:01:07.000 --> 1:01:09.080
<v Speaker 2>are going to grow up if we don't, if they

1:01:09.080 --> 1:01:11.560
<v Speaker 2>get no mental health you know, it's like there's no

1:01:12.000 --> 1:01:14.360
<v Speaker 2>mental health care for kids that have been molested in

1:01:14.360 --> 1:01:18.880
<v Speaker 2>the Catholic church. Like there's like alcoholics anonymous, which takes

1:01:18.880 --> 1:01:20.640
<v Speaker 2>place in a church that's not triggering.

1:01:20.840 --> 1:01:22.160
<v Speaker 1>Yeah, no, that's not it, you.

1:01:22.160 --> 1:01:24.320
<v Speaker 2>Know what I mean? So like, who knows, I don't

1:01:24.320 --> 1:01:26.120
<v Speaker 2>know what. I'm not defending Andrew Taine, Oh my god,

1:01:26.120 --> 1:01:27.520
<v Speaker 2>I can see this headline already.

1:01:27.600 --> 1:01:32.600
<v Speaker 1>But here's what's really interesting. I saw this author speaking

1:01:32.600 --> 1:01:36.040
<v Speaker 1>about this recently and it really made me kind of

1:01:36.240 --> 1:01:39.680
<v Speaker 1>double take mentally. She said, you know, I think part

1:01:39.680 --> 1:01:42.520
<v Speaker 1>of the reason that men don't actually want to fix

1:01:42.680 --> 1:01:51.320
<v Speaker 1>the culture of violence perpetuated by men against women, against girls, boys, anyone,

1:01:51.600 --> 1:01:55.120
<v Speaker 1>is because men like saying I'm one of the good guys,

1:01:55.200 --> 1:01:59.120
<v Speaker 1>I'm a protector. I would protect you from a bad guy,

1:01:59.640 --> 1:02:02.560
<v Speaker 1>and if there's no more bad guys, they lose out

1:02:02.600 --> 1:02:04.280
<v Speaker 1>on getting to coseplay the hero.

1:02:05.280 --> 1:02:07.720
<v Speaker 2>So remember there was like talk of is there arsen

1:02:07.920 --> 1:02:10.880
<v Speaker 2>during the LA fires, and I started like doing a

1:02:10.880 --> 1:02:17.400
<v Speaker 2>deep dive on arsenists, and arsenists usually do it to

1:02:17.480 --> 1:02:21.520
<v Speaker 2>help put out the fire. So if you want to

1:02:21.600 --> 1:02:26.840
<v Speaker 2>find someone that committed arsen go look at who's fighting

1:02:26.880 --> 1:02:27.280
<v Speaker 2>the fire.

1:02:28.840 --> 1:02:33.680
<v Speaker 1>Yeah, there was a famous case of that here in California,

1:02:33.800 --> 1:02:36.800
<v Speaker 1>like a big deal fire chief was actually a California

1:02:36.880 --> 1:02:42.880
<v Speaker 1>arsenist I think in the nineties, like really gnarly. So yeah,

1:02:42.880 --> 1:02:45.200
<v Speaker 1>I don't know. There's just something about that where I

1:02:45.240 --> 1:02:49.760
<v Speaker 1>almost wonder if so many men make victims the punchline

1:02:51.480 --> 1:02:54.520
<v Speaker 1>because they want us lessen the severity of what's being

1:02:54.560 --> 1:02:56.840
<v Speaker 1>done to people, because they like the idea that they're

1:02:56.840 --> 1:03:00.920
<v Speaker 1>not the guy who'd do it, which statistically we know

1:03:01.040 --> 1:03:03.080
<v Speaker 1>is not true. So I don't know, you know, it's weird.

1:03:03.240 --> 1:03:06.000
<v Speaker 1>I just wish they'd go to therapy instead, But here we.

1:03:05.920 --> 1:03:08.960
<v Speaker 2>Are anything to not go to therapy, although I do

1:03:09.080 --> 1:03:12.160
<v Speaker 2>feel like some men use therapy is like a way

1:03:12.200 --> 1:03:17.400
<v Speaker 2>to like have better excuses, like I'm just absolutely avoidant.

1:03:17.520 --> 1:03:20.320
<v Speaker 2>You know, my love language is physical touch with other women.

1:03:20.360 --> 1:03:22.600
<v Speaker 2>You're like, okay, no, no, no, no no no. Therapy is

1:03:22.640 --> 1:03:28.320
<v Speaker 2>not to have scientific excuses to be for your behavior. Yeah,

1:03:28.320 --> 1:03:30.240
<v Speaker 2>the wrong ones will just use it as a way

1:03:30.280 --> 1:03:34.280
<v Speaker 2>to gaslight you into being like yeah, and my dad

1:03:34.320 --> 1:03:36.360
<v Speaker 2>didn't play baseball with me, so I'm avoidant. I'm like,

1:03:36.400 --> 1:03:37.560
<v Speaker 2>you're fifty, dude.

1:03:37.840 --> 1:03:41.400
<v Speaker 1>Yeah, grow up, yeah, yeah, no, not just grow up.

1:03:41.720 --> 1:03:43.240
<v Speaker 1>You're avoidant because you like it.

1:03:44.400 --> 1:03:46.720
<v Speaker 2>But I hope you know, Look, I'm sure I was

1:03:47.920 --> 1:03:52.160
<v Speaker 2>incredibly wrong on a lot of things I said, but

1:03:52.200 --> 1:03:53.640
<v Speaker 2>I'm kind of just at a point where I'm like,

1:03:53.680 --> 1:03:54.520
<v Speaker 2>not trying to be right.

1:03:54.720 --> 1:03:57.640
<v Speaker 1>I think there's a real sort of acceptance of self

1:03:57.640 --> 1:04:01.360
<v Speaker 1>and emotional maturity that comes with being able to be

1:04:01.560 --> 1:04:03.800
<v Speaker 1>curious and to say I don't know the answer to that.

1:04:04.520 --> 1:04:07.720
<v Speaker 1>I'm curious about this. I'd like more information, and I

1:04:07.720 --> 1:04:10.360
<v Speaker 1>think that's a nice place to be. It's definitely something

1:04:10.400 --> 1:04:11.400
<v Speaker 1>that I.

1:04:11.400 --> 1:04:15.120
<v Speaker 2>Think we all want answers we want. He's a psychopaths an,

1:04:16.040 --> 1:04:20.000
<v Speaker 2>he's this, he's a Republican. He's again, like it makes

1:04:20.080 --> 1:04:22.720
<v Speaker 2>us feel too each I think it makes us feel safe,

1:04:22.760 --> 1:04:25.200
<v Speaker 2>But actually it makes me feel way safer to be

1:04:25.280 --> 1:04:28.800
<v Speaker 2>like two things could be true at once. Actually, you know.

1:04:30.000 --> 1:04:34.440
<v Speaker 1>Yeah. The thing I'm working on is slowing down and

1:04:34.480 --> 1:04:38.000
<v Speaker 1>asking more questions in some of the phase of life

1:04:38.000 --> 1:04:38.520
<v Speaker 1>I'm in.

1:04:39.120 --> 1:04:42.200
<v Speaker 2>Same someone that you hate, someone who voted differently than you,

1:04:42.360 --> 1:04:45.760
<v Speaker 2>someone who tweets things that piss you off. My thing

1:04:45.880 --> 1:04:50.280
<v Speaker 2>is like, ask them three questions with an open heart

1:04:50.600 --> 1:04:53.640
<v Speaker 2>and see how quickly you have so much more common

1:04:53.680 --> 1:04:54.880
<v Speaker 2>than you thought you did.

1:04:55.160 --> 1:04:59.840
<v Speaker 1>You know, is that kind of curiosity? Is that pac

1:05:00.320 --> 1:05:03.280
<v Speaker 1>like a work in progress for you right now? Or

1:05:03.320 --> 1:05:06.960
<v Speaker 1>is there something that takes that mantle that's.

1:05:07.840 --> 1:05:10.960
<v Speaker 2>Oh like a like a thing I'm doing? Yeah, one

1:05:11.040 --> 1:05:13.880
<v Speaker 2>of Oh, I like this question a big one.

1:05:13.880 --> 1:05:16.439
<v Speaker 1>I'm working whatever your work in progress is right now.

1:05:16.600 --> 1:05:20.040
<v Speaker 2>Because any time you're judging someone else, it's just I'm

1:05:20.440 --> 1:05:22.240
<v Speaker 2>my self esteem is so low. I need to feel

1:05:22.240 --> 1:05:25.280
<v Speaker 2>good about myself right, So what's going on with me

1:05:25.360 --> 1:05:28.320
<v Speaker 2>that I need to judge this person and be like, Oh,

1:05:28.320 --> 1:05:31.280
<v Speaker 2>that person's voted this way, this person's dumb, this is

1:05:31.520 --> 1:05:35.040
<v Speaker 2>you know, it's like, oh, oh, bitch, like with you

1:05:35.120 --> 1:05:38.680
<v Speaker 2>that you needed that quick hit of self righteous indignation. Also,

1:05:39.960 --> 1:05:45.280
<v Speaker 2>usually when I have a negative thought about someone or something,

1:05:45.600 --> 1:05:50.200
<v Speaker 2>it's I've done that, and I don't like that. That

1:05:50.240 --> 1:05:52.800
<v Speaker 2>person's holding up a mirror like I I've done that.

1:05:52.920 --> 1:05:55.360
<v Speaker 2>It's like my default, I've done that. Have I done that?

1:05:55.480 --> 1:05:58.640
<v Speaker 2>I have? You know she's being desperate, like she's being

1:05:58.680 --> 1:06:02.320
<v Speaker 2>so desperate and picked me and done that. I've done it.

1:06:02.360 --> 1:06:04.720
<v Speaker 2>And there's just like a grace that comes with admitting

1:06:05.280 --> 1:06:07.919
<v Speaker 2>that you've done the thing. That's why would it bother

1:06:08.000 --> 1:06:10.200
<v Speaker 2>me so much? Who cares some of my business? Why

1:06:10.240 --> 1:06:12.880
<v Speaker 2>would it bother me so much? If I hadn't done it,

1:06:13.000 --> 1:06:15.200
<v Speaker 2>or if I don't do it, it wouldn't bother me

1:06:15.240 --> 1:06:19.600
<v Speaker 2>if it wasn't holding up a mirror. You know, I'm

1:06:19.600 --> 1:06:22.080
<v Speaker 2>working on good segue looking in the mirror and making

1:06:22.120 --> 1:06:27.360
<v Speaker 2>eye contact with myself, which is really really yeah, have

1:06:27.480 --> 1:06:28.080
<v Speaker 2>you ever tried?

1:06:30.800 --> 1:06:32.960
<v Speaker 1>I guess I don't think about it in that way,

1:06:33.040 --> 1:06:36.600
<v Speaker 1>but I don't think I I don't really look in

1:06:36.600 --> 1:06:38.920
<v Speaker 1>the mirror unless I'm brushing my teeth or getting ready

1:06:38.960 --> 1:06:39.439
<v Speaker 1>for the day.

1:06:39.600 --> 1:06:42.240
<v Speaker 2>But we're not even really looking at ourselves. We're kind

1:06:42.280 --> 1:06:46.400
<v Speaker 2>of like, right, it's a one a twelve step exercise

1:06:46.440 --> 1:06:49.800
<v Speaker 2>to look at yourself in the mirror and have some

1:06:49.840 --> 1:06:52.640
<v Speaker 2>effort like make contact with yourself and like be in

1:06:52.680 --> 1:06:55.720
<v Speaker 2>your skin. I realize I'm often very like in a

1:06:55.800 --> 1:06:59.080
<v Speaker 2>disassociative state where I'm kind of just like not in

1:06:59.120 --> 1:07:01.680
<v Speaker 2>my body. It's a little thing, but I realized when

1:07:01.680 --> 1:07:02.920
<v Speaker 2>I look in the mirror, I'm not looking in the

1:07:02.960 --> 1:07:06.760
<v Speaker 2>mirror at myself and just being like, hey, that's you

1:07:06.840 --> 1:07:10.680
<v Speaker 2>like it's it's it's a creepy thing, but try and

1:07:10.760 --> 1:07:11.560
<v Speaker 2>see what happens.

1:07:12.040 --> 1:07:14.040
<v Speaker 1>Okay, that's a good one.

1:07:14.800 --> 1:07:17.520
<v Speaker 2>And I'm don't just do something. Sit there, just like,

1:07:17.680 --> 1:07:21.080
<v Speaker 2>don't respond yet. Yeah, if you think you need to

1:07:21.120 --> 1:07:25.640
<v Speaker 2>respond or say something, just don't. It's like it's like close.

1:07:25.680 --> 1:07:28.040
<v Speaker 2>It's like you know how when you go online and

1:07:28.080 --> 1:07:29.640
<v Speaker 2>you want to get this pair of shoes and if

1:07:29.640 --> 1:07:31.320
<v Speaker 2>you don't add it to your card or don't buy,

1:07:31.360 --> 1:07:33.200
<v Speaker 2>it'll like follow you around for a couple of days.

1:07:33.240 --> 1:07:35.720
<v Speaker 2>You know, the shoes will keep adding popping up and

1:07:35.720 --> 1:07:40.040
<v Speaker 2>you're My thing is like if it needs to be said,

1:07:40.520 --> 1:07:41.760
<v Speaker 2>I can wait two days.

1:07:42.280 --> 1:07:43.160
<v Speaker 1>Yeah, you know.

1:07:43.360 --> 1:07:45.640
<v Speaker 2>And I didn't need to respond to that. I didn't

1:07:45.640 --> 1:07:47.360
<v Speaker 2>need to say anything to that. I don't need to

1:07:47.360 --> 1:07:49.360
<v Speaker 2>make a point. I don't need to teach someone a lesson.

1:07:49.480 --> 1:07:51.840
<v Speaker 2>Like I don't need to be at war anymore. I

1:07:51.840 --> 1:07:54.360
<v Speaker 2>think it's really important to know. Like you know, they

1:07:54.360 --> 1:07:56.680
<v Speaker 2>say in twelve Star programs, if good news and bad news,

1:07:56.680 --> 1:07:59.680
<v Speaker 2>the good news is the war is over. Bad news

1:07:59.720 --> 1:08:05.680
<v Speaker 2>is you lost. The war is over. And like I

1:08:05.680 --> 1:08:08.040
<v Speaker 2>don't have to fight little wars with emails and stuff,

1:08:08.080 --> 1:08:10.160
<v Speaker 2>to like make sure people respect me and make sure

1:08:10.200 --> 1:08:13.040
<v Speaker 2>like true power comes with not like trying to get power.

1:08:13.400 --> 1:08:15.600
<v Speaker 2>People respect you, you respect yourself, not when you're like,

1:08:15.640 --> 1:08:17.639
<v Speaker 2>you need to respect me. It doesn't work that way,

1:08:17.720 --> 1:08:21.479
<v Speaker 2>you know. So I think it's just doing doing less

1:08:22.080 --> 1:08:24.680
<v Speaker 2>on all parts and sitting with the feeling and not

1:08:24.760 --> 1:08:27.120
<v Speaker 2>needing to take an action because we take an action

1:08:27.280 --> 1:08:30.680
<v Speaker 2>to feel better. Right, Why would you say something like this,

1:08:31.040 --> 1:08:33.160
<v Speaker 2>d D DA defending ourselves Like I don't need to

1:08:33.160 --> 1:08:35.719
<v Speaker 2>defend yourself. No one's attacking me. If someone is doing

1:08:35.760 --> 1:08:38.280
<v Speaker 2>something rude, they're doing that to themselves and has nothing

1:08:38.320 --> 1:08:38.680
<v Speaker 2>to do with me.

1:08:39.600 --> 1:08:42.880
<v Speaker 1>I love that. The theme that keeps coming up for

1:08:42.920 --> 1:08:46.800
<v Speaker 1>me a lot lately is is slowing down. Just how

1:08:46.960 --> 1:08:49.679
<v Speaker 1>nice it is to slow down a little bit.

1:08:49.920 --> 1:08:53.160
<v Speaker 2>Very for people, have to be with your own thoughts.

1:08:55.640 --> 1:09:01.800
<v Speaker 2>It's tough, silence, eye contact, slowing down, all of that.

1:09:02.479 --> 1:09:10.000
<v Speaker 2>I associate slowing down with not being productive, not being busy.

1:09:10.520 --> 1:09:12.920
<v Speaker 2>Busyness was like the pinnacle of success.

1:09:14.080 --> 1:09:17.120
<v Speaker 1>I'm so oh my god. Now I think free time

1:09:17.240 --> 1:09:19.400
<v Speaker 1>is the is the greatest luxury in the world. I

1:09:19.400 --> 1:09:20.880
<v Speaker 1>don't want to be I don't I want to be

1:09:20.920 --> 1:09:22.120
<v Speaker 1>so much less busy.

1:09:22.479 --> 1:09:27.439
<v Speaker 2>We glorified being busy and being tired. Yet when people

1:09:27.439 --> 1:09:30.040
<v Speaker 2>get in the tired Olympics, when they're like, oh I

1:09:30.080 --> 1:09:31.800
<v Speaker 2>only slept four hours last night, I was like, oh

1:09:31.840 --> 1:09:34.280
<v Speaker 2>I only slept two hours. And being sick. I've been

1:09:34.320 --> 1:09:37.000
<v Speaker 2>sick for two weeks. Like we like, no, thank you,

1:09:37.160 --> 1:09:39.400
<v Speaker 2>we should be proud of it. It's like, yeah, what

1:09:39.439 --> 1:09:44.240
<v Speaker 2>did you do today? Not much like I don't have

1:09:44.320 --> 1:09:45.600
<v Speaker 2>to like make it well, I did this and this,

1:09:45.640 --> 1:09:47.800
<v Speaker 2>And I said, like I find myself eating shit.

1:09:48.840 --> 1:09:51.799
<v Speaker 1>Yeah, like you know, like I gardened, Yeah.

1:09:51.600 --> 1:09:54.840
<v Speaker 2>I gardened. I kind of like doing nothing is a thing,

1:09:56.280 --> 1:10:01.200
<v Speaker 2>you know, and being okay with like you know, the

1:10:01.320 --> 1:10:04.280
<v Speaker 2>therapist I used to work with said, uh, she's like

1:10:04.320 --> 1:10:07.320
<v Speaker 2>your problem, Whitney, I mean one of the many. But

1:10:08.160 --> 1:10:12.880
<v Speaker 2>your problem is you conflate boredom and serenity when you

1:10:12.920 --> 1:10:16.000
<v Speaker 2>come from like adrenaline and like you think you're bored,

1:10:16.880 --> 1:10:19.320
<v Speaker 2>but you're actually just at peace. You're not bored. That's

1:10:19.400 --> 1:10:22.599
<v Speaker 2>just peace and quiet. That's the that's the whole, that's

1:10:22.600 --> 1:10:25.400
<v Speaker 2>the contentment. Because I think in the slowness, like what

1:10:25.439 --> 1:10:27.599
<v Speaker 2>you're saying, that's when the growth comes. That's when the

1:10:27.640 --> 1:10:31.559
<v Speaker 2>maturity comes. There's this documentary called cheer The last thing

1:10:31.600 --> 1:10:35.280
<v Speaker 2>I'll say, Uh, it was on I just all feel

1:10:35.320 --> 1:10:37.639
<v Speaker 2>the need to give people like credit for what they said.

1:10:37.640 --> 1:10:38.280
<v Speaker 2>That's profound.

1:10:38.400 --> 1:10:40.880
<v Speaker 1>The one that was on Netflix years ago. Yes, I

1:10:40.920 --> 1:10:41.759
<v Speaker 1>loved that show.

1:10:41.920 --> 1:10:45.559
<v Speaker 2>Morgan. Morgan was a young one who was like kind

1:10:45.560 --> 1:10:48.960
<v Speaker 2>of close, but then she got coached to being great

1:10:49.080 --> 1:10:51.240
<v Speaker 2>in the season. You know, she came from like a

1:10:51.560 --> 1:10:55.559
<v Speaker 2>rough lived with her grandmother whatever, and she you know,

1:10:55.600 --> 1:10:58.360
<v Speaker 2>that show got huge and all of a sudden, she's

1:10:58.400 --> 1:11:02.360
<v Speaker 2>got like sponsorship since she's on TikTok and she's punk

1:11:02.479 --> 1:11:05.599
<v Speaker 2>sponsorships with Scrunchy and you know, all this stuff stick

1:11:05.680 --> 1:11:08.280
<v Speaker 2>and Starbucks. And I saw one of the live shows.

1:11:08.280 --> 1:11:10.760
<v Speaker 2>I'm just like a fan of these girls because I

1:11:10.800 --> 1:11:13.680
<v Speaker 2>also am obsessed with all my internalized misogyny that you

1:11:13.800 --> 1:11:16.240
<v Speaker 2>never like creeps up on you. Because I remember I

1:11:16.240 --> 1:11:19.400
<v Speaker 2>was always like cheerleaders, h you know, I played basketball.

1:11:19.439 --> 1:11:23.400
<v Speaker 2>I was like, oh, like jealous obviously, but I was like, okay,

1:11:23.640 --> 1:11:26.400
<v Speaker 2>cheerlady is a sport, okay. And then watching this, I

1:11:26.439 --> 1:11:28.800
<v Speaker 2>was like, whoa, these are like incredible athletes and it

1:11:28.880 --> 1:11:35.639
<v Speaker 2>was just my internalized sexism really right, And I asked her.

1:11:35.720 --> 1:11:38.040
<v Speaker 2>I was like, she's nineteen years old, like this was happening.

1:11:38.080 --> 1:11:39.200
<v Speaker 2>I was like, how are you doing? Like what are

1:11:39.200 --> 1:11:40.840
<v Speaker 2>you going to do this summer? And she's like, I'm

1:11:40.840 --> 1:11:42.519
<v Speaker 2>going to take a couple months off and I was

1:11:42.560 --> 1:11:44.800
<v Speaker 2>like oh, and she's like yeah, I just need time

1:11:44.840 --> 1:11:45.960
<v Speaker 2>to like process all this.

1:11:47.040 --> 1:11:47.320
<v Speaker 1>Wow.

1:11:47.520 --> 1:11:51.080
<v Speaker 2>Like what, like what? I didn't even know that was

1:11:51.080 --> 1:11:54.080
<v Speaker 2>an option? What do you mean process?

1:11:55.200 --> 1:11:55.479
<v Speaker 1>Wow?

1:11:55.560 --> 1:11:58.320
<v Speaker 2>Eve minutes a day, I sit down and I process

1:11:58.520 --> 1:12:03.280
<v Speaker 2>my life. I'm like process, Like I haven't even thought

1:12:03.920 --> 1:12:07.800
<v Speaker 2>to go like that happened? That was crazy. Yeah, Like

1:12:08.000 --> 1:12:10.920
<v Speaker 2>sometimes I just go through my photo album. I'm trying

1:12:10.960 --> 1:12:13.280
<v Speaker 2>to go like day to time and go like I

1:12:13.560 --> 1:12:18.600
<v Speaker 2>just associated through that entire thing. And I've designed my

1:12:18.640 --> 1:12:20.680
<v Speaker 2>life to be so chaotic that I haven't had a

1:12:20.720 --> 1:12:23.800
<v Speaker 2>second to even process any of this. Right, you know,

1:12:24.840 --> 1:12:29.200
<v Speaker 2>we don't make time to process our feelings, our emotions,

1:12:29.320 --> 1:12:31.879
<v Speaker 2>our life anything.

1:12:32.479 --> 1:12:34.400
<v Speaker 1>Oh maybe it's not an accident that all of us

1:12:34.439 --> 1:12:35.439
<v Speaker 1>are ready to slow down.

1:12:36.080 --> 1:12:38.040
<v Speaker 2>It's kind of the new It's a flex.

1:12:38.640 --> 1:12:40.479
<v Speaker 1>Yeah. I like it.

1:12:40.080 --> 1:12:41.120
<v Speaker 2>It's a flex.

1:12:41.160 --> 1:12:42.000
<v Speaker 1>I'm proud of us.

1:12:42.360 --> 1:12:44.960
<v Speaker 3>I know good too.

1:12:45.479 --> 1:12:48.280
<v Speaker 1>We're no hell Like yeah.

1:12:48.200 --> 1:12:50.360
<v Speaker 2>People were like you look so good. I stop getting

1:12:50.360 --> 1:12:52.080
<v Speaker 2>botox about people like you look at them like I've

1:12:52.200 --> 1:12:54.640
<v Speaker 2>just like kind of sleep, and I like, I'm not

1:12:54.760 --> 1:12:57.840
<v Speaker 2>in toxic relationships or friendships anymore. If I need to

1:12:57.840 --> 1:12:59.800
<v Speaker 2>be somewhere at four and it takes a half hour,

1:13:00.080 --> 1:13:03.559
<v Speaker 2>I leave it three point fifteen, like yeah, just in case,

1:13:04.000 --> 1:13:07.439
<v Speaker 2>you know, just kind of like not doing the adrenaline thing.

1:13:07.920 --> 1:13:09.880
<v Speaker 1>I love that for you, I love that for us.

1:13:11.200 --> 1:13:11.920
<v Speaker 2>We're the best.

1:13:12.400 --> 1:13:16.640
<v Speaker 1>We ended on such a high note.