Speaker 1: I'm Manny, and this is no such thing. The show
Speaker 1: where we answer our dumb questions and yours by actually
Speaker 1: doing the research. Today's episode is an advice episode. Many
Speaker 1: of you sent in questions seeking our advice, and we're
Speaker 1: here to answer that. Let's get started. There's no such thing.
Speaker 1: Touch Thank you, thank you, thank you. All right, So
Speaker 1: many of you may be asking why the hell are
Speaker 1: many No and Devin giving advice, and uh, there's no
Speaker 1: real good answer. To be honest, I've I've personally noticed
Speaker 1: on a lot of podcasts that I like to listen
Speaker 1: to they just started doing advice segments.
Speaker 2: Uh.
Speaker 1: These segments are usually sponsored by someone some company, and
Speaker 1: but no, we just wanted in on the fund a
Speaker 1: little bit and thought this would be kin a good
Speaker 1: way to spend some time on the MIC's here. So
Speaker 1: that's why we're doing this.
Speaker 2: Hey, no such thing. Long time listener, first time caller.
Speaker 2: I'm hoping to get your advice on something. We're entering
Speaker 2: party season, and i'd like your sauce on invitation etiquette,
Speaker 2: specifically as.
Speaker 1: It relates to plus one.
Speaker 2: What are our person's responsibilities when it comes to inviting
Speaker 2: significant others to parties? Is there a threshold when it
Speaker 2: becomes disrespectful to give a friend of plus one instead
Speaker 2: of inviting their partner as an individual person, as someone
Speaker 2: in a serious cohabitating relationship. I found myself slightly offended
Speaker 2: by being plus one by friends of my partner over time. However,
Speaker 2: I also recognize the inconsistency of my own inviting habits
Speaker 2: when I'm on the other side. Boys, please help ground
Speaker 2: me in reality here.
Speaker 3: Thank you.
Speaker 1: First, I want to shout out the use of the
Speaker 1: phrase cohabitating partnership.
Speaker 4: Was that serious cohabitating relationship?
Speaker 1: That's very inclusive, well done. It's a it's an interesting question.
Speaker 1: It's tough for me. I'm someone who has never minded.
Speaker 5: That's something aroundwork here a little bit, because I think
Speaker 5: she's talking about like a party, full invite, right, not
Speaker 5: like a just a casual text, like.
Speaker 6: A a group chat, right.
Speaker 5: Yeah, And officially this sounds like something a little bit
Speaker 5: more official, not a wedding, Like I'm having a gathering
Speaker 5: and there's enough people that I.
Speaker 6: Got to like I'm blasting the thing. Yeah.
Speaker 5: So within that context, if me as being invited to something,
Speaker 5: do you feel awkward if you are not also on
Speaker 5: that invite? At this point, you guys are living together
Speaker 5: for going on two years.
Speaker 1: A long time.
Speaker 6: Yeah.
Speaker 1: For some reason in my head, if it's primarily MIA's friend,
Speaker 1: if me as the reason I know this person, I
Speaker 1: haven't minded it.
Speaker 3: Yeah.
Speaker 1: At the same time, maybe that I just haven't really
Speaker 1: thought about it being offensive, Like maybe I should think
Speaker 1: more about like why am I not invited as an individual?
Speaker 6: Yeah?
Speaker 4: I mean it depends because there's certainly people I know
Speaker 4: just through their partners that I might like them, they
Speaker 4: like me. I would never hang out with these people
Speaker 4: want or not with that other person, whether it's my partner,
Speaker 4: their partner. So in that sense, I kind of get
Speaker 4: just like, listen, you're invited, you can bring whoever. It's assumed, So.
Speaker 6: I'm gonna be the one that has to have an
Speaker 6: issue with it.
Speaker 3: Yeah.
Speaker 1: Please.
Speaker 5: I think the simple test for this is do you
Speaker 5: have this person's phone number. I don't have the person's
Speaker 5: phone number, and you are sending out an invite and
Speaker 5: this is not okay. We're doing like I don't know,
Speaker 5: this is the first time we're hanging out with this
Speaker 5: person's boyfriend and we just happen to be on one
Speaker 5: group chat together. This is you know, this person's in
Speaker 5: a serious they're living together, right, So if the person
Speaker 5: you're inviting is living with this person and you have
Speaker 5: their phone number, you should also just send them an invite.
Speaker 5: It is very easy to just add another contact. Yeah,
Speaker 5: it would be I get not like if you don't
Speaker 5: have this person's phone number, being like okay, and now
Speaker 5: I'm going to reach out to know and be like, hey, yeah,
Speaker 5: can you send me Julia's number I'm having.
Speaker 6: It's like that's a bit much.
Speaker 5: If someone's been dating someone for a year, two year,
Speaker 5: three years, a certain point, it doesn't matter that we're
Speaker 5: not hanging out one on one. It's just like, just
Speaker 5: also invite them. They shouldn't just be a plus one.
Speaker 6: I guess.
Speaker 4: I mean, I guess it doesn't really matter to me.
Speaker 4: It doesn't really matter if it's like if that partner
Speaker 4: is never going to come on their own, even if
Speaker 4: they got the invite, you know what I mean, Like,
Speaker 4: let's use Manny and Mia. All right, if I'm inviting
Speaker 4: you to something and there's no world in which me
Speaker 4: is going to come by yourself to this event, yeah,
Speaker 4: it's kind of like we mutually wouldn't care.
Speaker 1: Yeah, it's like a formality, but you would. Yeah, well,
Speaker 1: I'm trying to get into the shoes of the person
Speaker 1: who's asking this question, Like, how should.
Speaker 6: You feel if I'm that person?
Speaker 1: If you know, it sounds like this person is feeling
Speaker 1: quite slighted by the fact that they're not invited to
Speaker 1: a thing, And it sounds like the person who's not
Speaker 1: inviting them individually, like sounds like they know them pretty well.
Speaker 1: So I guess, like I'm trying to figure out how
Speaker 1: I would feel in that instance.
Speaker 4: He's gonna be the worst advice episode. You're like, well,
Speaker 4: I don't care, why are you asking me?
Speaker 1: I think it's justified to feel upset or slighted about this.
Speaker 1: We're all different. I personally don't mind that much, but
Speaker 1: I could see why someone would be would mind And.
Speaker 5: Look, I don't think it's if you are annoyed. I
Speaker 5: think it's up to your partner to address here. Yeah,
Speaker 5: I'm annoyed, and it's that's your friend. You go talk
Speaker 5: to your friend about why I'm not on the invite.
Speaker 5: I'm not having that conversation.
Speaker 1: Would you mind asking your friend.
Speaker 5: Just put demon on an invite like he wants to?
Speaker 5: You know, if there's updates about the park. He doesn't
Speaker 5: want to have to text me about it.
Speaker 4: Then. I think, now it's like if my partner complained
Speaker 4: to me about this and then I have to go
Speaker 4: to you, Devin and be like, I'd be like, she's
Speaker 4: gonna be nagging me about this, Just just shoot at
Speaker 4: the text next time. I don't know if I would
Speaker 4: even do that.
Speaker 5: You would, because you wouldn't have want to have that
Speaker 5: conversation again for the next Evie.
Speaker 4: I'd be like, yeah, I told him, and then I'd
Speaker 4: just be like, I don't know why he's Yeah, that's
Speaker 4: what I would do.
Speaker 1: I've seen this. I've seen this.
Speaker 5: Then I think it is worth bringing it up to
Speaker 5: your partner if it bothers you and you don't need
Speaker 5: to make it a big deal. I think you can
Speaker 5: bring it up and it's pretty nonchalant sight away of
Speaker 5: just sort of like, hey, it's just like you know,
Speaker 5: she wants to add it to a calendar, all this stuff,
Speaker 5: and it's just easier if like, she just gets the invite,
Speaker 5: if you don't have her number, here's her number, and
Speaker 5: just make it pretty low key. I don't think anyone
Speaker 5: who received that from one of their friends will be like,
Speaker 5: how dare they request that they are invited? It sounds
Speaker 5: like what's happening here is that like people are just
Speaker 5: doing the easiest thing for them and not thinking about
Speaker 5: other people's feelings. I don't think it's that they're intentionally
Speaker 5: not inviting you, especially if you're living together. It's different
Speaker 5: if like I don't know if there's still a thing.
Speaker 4: Because it's essentially assumed this person is going to come. Yes,
Speaker 4: if it's unless it's like obviously a very small thing,
Speaker 4: that they're a different thing.
Speaker 6: Yeah, yeah, exactly, Yeah.
Speaker 4: And I think that's fair. And then just to kind
Speaker 4: of put a point on that, it's just be the
Speaker 4: change you want to see. So you better be inviting
Speaker 4: everyone in every problem if you're going to be thinking
Speaker 4: this way.
Speaker 6: I will say too.
Speaker 5: As a final note, it sounds like maybe this is
Speaker 5: not about the invite at all, and maybe this is
Speaker 5: about how you feel in the presence of your partner's friends,
Speaker 5: and maybe it sounds like you feel like you're being
Speaker 5: left out to some degree. Yeah, so I would I
Speaker 5: would take a long, hard look at that.
Speaker 4: Well, because I mean, yeah, things get complicated. There's been
Speaker 4: friends of mine who have had long term partners, and
Speaker 4: you know, I try my best, and sometimes it's like
Speaker 4: this person is not give they don't care if I
Speaker 4: livered in front of them. And I've known them for
Speaker 4: maybe i'll say, like a decade. Yeah yeah, and you
Speaker 4: know those people aren't around anymore with good reasons.
Speaker 6: Yeah they didn't make the.
Speaker 4: Cut, but you know, or like and the flip side,
Speaker 4: it's like you can tell like some people would make
Speaker 4: no effort to even meet with the significant other, and
Speaker 4: it's like, okay, you can only pretend like you know.
Speaker 1: This person yeah or something.
Speaker 4: Yes, but yeah, anyway, that's obviously a larger.
Speaker 1: Issue but yeah, yeah, but still one that I feels
Speaker 1: pertinent to this.
Speaker 6: Yeah. Yeah.
Speaker 5: I think it's if I think if you felt included
Speaker 5: in other aspects, it wouldn't feel as big of a deal,
Speaker 5: which is I think kind of what we're talking about here,
Speaker 5: where it's like, ah.
Speaker 6: Somebody forgot like an email whatever, who cares.
Speaker 5: But I think it's like, oh, every time I hang
Speaker 5: out with these people, like they don't greet me, they
Speaker 5: don't say anything to me, and I'm not on an email,
Speaker 5: Like then it starts to add up.
Speaker 4: Ye. Yeah, it's like, well, maybe I won't even bother
Speaker 4: going to this.
Speaker 5: Yeah, exactly. Maybe you don't even want me there. Yeah
Speaker 5: sounds like they don't.
Speaker 4: Yeah, hey Manny No Devin responding to your question mail
Speaker 4: bag request, I have a crush on a co worker.
Speaker 4: Oh this shit is brutal, But here we are. I'm
Speaker 4: five years older than him. I'm thirty seven with fresh eggs.
Speaker 1: Oh what the fuck?
Speaker 4: I's hold the commentary for app. I'm afraid of even
Speaker 4: saying anything for lots of reasons, but the biggest being,
Speaker 4: am I too old? Is this real? Is this perception?
Speaker 1: What is even real?
Speaker 4: For context, I am by a homeowner outside of my
Speaker 4: current city and wants to have a baby in the
Speaker 4: next two years.
Speaker 6: The age is fine, The ages are fine. Yeah, and
Speaker 6: thirty two.
Speaker 5: It's not like she's talking about having a crush on
Speaker 5: like a twenty two year old. It's like, I'm not
Speaker 5: what kids in the next two years? Yeah, thirty two?
Speaker 6: Realm. We joke about it a lot, but you can't
Speaker 6: have kids at this age.
Speaker 5: Surprisingly, it's legal. So it is of the age where
Speaker 5: if you had something that was serious for a few years,
Speaker 5: you can see maybe you know too cutting in a
Speaker 5: little tight Yeah, being that like you're not with this
Speaker 5: person yet.
Speaker 6: Yeah, but you know.
Speaker 4: I don't want to worry too much about the baby thing,
Speaker 4: even though that's an important conversation to have within a
Speaker 4: couple of months at this rate.
Speaker 1: But yeah, wait, wait, so wait, what's the actual question, Like,
Speaker 1: what's one of this.
Speaker 4: I mean, figure out, you know, is it with all
Speaker 4: these other parameters? Are they kind of crazy for even
Speaker 4: thinking about it's a coworker, Yeah, so co worker, the
Speaker 4: age thing.
Speaker 1: Okay, so as it pertains to the question of like,
Speaker 1: is it uh kosher?
Speaker 6: Yeah, right, I won't put business.
Speaker 1: Likely thing for you to say. Yeah, I think I'm
Speaker 1: pretty biased here, but never in an instance where one
Speaker 1: of us had a power dynamic over the other, per
Speaker 1: since so it was always like either different teams, level
Speaker 1: playing field or different teams.
Speaker 4: Yes, yeah, yeah, I date all my interns, So I don't.
Speaker 1: Think there's any real issue with you working with the person.
Speaker 4: Yeah, it's it's more a matter of, obviously, if you
Speaker 4: don't know this person's interest in you, I think it's
Speaker 4: totally fair to ask them out. But after that you
Speaker 4: need to, right, you need to let it go and
Speaker 4: box that up and bury it.
Speaker 6: Yeah, the rest of.
Speaker 5: Your career there, And I will say part of this
Speaker 5: is like we don't know you, right, and because.
Speaker 1: To know what kind of job this was?
Speaker 5: Yeah, what happened? That's a really good point. What type
Speaker 5: of you actually work with them?
Speaker 6: Yes? Are you working directly with them? Is this just
Speaker 6: someone in the office.
Speaker 1: You guys as or are you in a like an
Speaker 1: office job ye or Quiznos corporate for the Chrisnos office job.
Speaker 5: And I think it's important to like, what is the
Speaker 5: what are your personalities?
Speaker 6: Right?
Speaker 5: Like, are you to people who if you get like
Speaker 5: if this doesn't work out, or you're gonna be able
Speaker 5: to continue working.
Speaker 6: In this environment and everything's going to be fine.
Speaker 5: Because I've been in situations where not me in a
Speaker 5: relationship with co workers, but I've been the boss of
Speaker 5: people who have been in relationships working very closely together
Speaker 5: on teams yea who it's great when it's going great,
Speaker 5: and then you know they get into a fight and
Speaker 5: then somebody's calling out sick oh, or someone refuses to
Speaker 5: work with the other person.
Speaker 1: We should believe out names, but is this.
Speaker 5: And no, So I think knowing the personalities at play
Speaker 5: here too, like is this going to be something that
Speaker 5: like if it's awkward and that's all it is.
Speaker 6: Who cares? Yeah, shoot your.
Speaker 5: Shot if it's awkward, all right, whatever, You can move
Speaker 5: past it if you think it's going to impact, Like
Speaker 5: if this doesn't go well, if you think you're gonna
Speaker 5: have to quit your job, Yeah.
Speaker 1: Is the worst situation that you'll be miserable at work,
Speaker 1: you'll be fired? Like what Like, yes, we gotta lay
Speaker 1: out the consequences. But just to respond to a part
Speaker 1: of this email that seemed to be very important, which
Speaker 1: is like the fertility. Yes, yeah, I would describe a
Speaker 1: crush as something that's pretty frivolous, like low stakes. This
Speaker 1: seems to be like seems to be tied to like
Speaker 1: a desire to have babies pretty soon.
Speaker 4: Well, they just don't have time to waste.
Speaker 5: Yeah yeah, okay, which is fair, But you also don't
Speaker 5: want to You're putting a lot of expectations on a
Speaker 5: person that you don't even know if they like you. Yeah,
Speaker 5: she's trying to give herself an excuse to not approach
Speaker 5: him and not have a conversation. But I think it's
Speaker 5: like step one is just like it's interested in you
Speaker 5: like each other, yes, and you can sort of go
Speaker 5: through all these other things. Why are we talking about, Yeah,
Speaker 5: having a baby in two years? You don't even like
Speaker 5: you probably don't even know this guy's midle name.
Speaker 3: You know.
Speaker 6: It's like there are a lot of steps we got
Speaker 6: to go through.
Speaker 1: Yeah, there are a few things I wish I knew,
Speaker 1: like more context, Like are these people flirting with each other?
Speaker 1: Or do you just look at a person every day
Speaker 1: and yes you have a crush on them, you know what.
Speaker 1: That's fine too, But I just mean, like, you know,
Speaker 1: so many people are kind of can't read when someone
Speaker 1: likes them. It's like we might be answered, we might
Speaker 1: be telling you to go approach someone who is not
Speaker 1: interested in you.
Speaker 5: But that's fine. You can find that out very quickly.
Speaker 5: And you could be like, hey, you want to grab
Speaker 5: a drunk after work?
Speaker 6: Exactly?
Speaker 1: You know, like the stakes aren't let's watch the Knicks?
Speaker 6: Yeah thinks exactly. Stakes are not that high.
Speaker 1: I'll replay of the next there they're in cancn right now.
Speaker 3: Hey, y'all, I need some advice. I'm having a birthday
Speaker 3: picnic and I've told all of my friends that they
Speaker 3: can bring their dogs, because of course they can. I
Speaker 3: have no problem with dogs being at my picnic. But
Speaker 3: I do have this one friend who dog I hate.
Speaker 3: This dog is energetic, yeahy aggressive. This dog ruins the
Speaker 3: vibe every time. And my friend has no idea that
Speaker 3: this dog is a problem. She thinks her dog is perfect.
Speaker 3: I do not want to ruin my birthday picnic. How
Speaker 3: do I tell her? Knowing that this will likely make
Speaker 3: her upset?
Speaker 1: And I am conflict avoidant? Please, hell, I've got a
Speaker 1: question before we get into it. Yep, for the dog
Speaker 1: owners of the show, how much of a dog's like
Speaker 1: bad behavior can be attributed to its personality versus just
Speaker 1: not training it. Well, it's a mix, yeah, like a
Speaker 1: dog like at a picnic, kind of just running around,
Speaker 1: smelling all the food, licking it up, like just kind
Speaker 1: of being a nuisance. I mean to me, I'm like, yeah,
Speaker 1: it's it's a dog. I mean, that's what they do.
Speaker 1: I guess.
Speaker 6: Yeah.
Speaker 1: But then it seems like some dogs probably start out
Speaker 1: that way before they're trained to be more polite.
Speaker 5: Yeah, it sounds like and this is a tough thing,
Speaker 5: you know, as a as a fellow dog owner, I
Speaker 5: fucking love my dog and no one else can talk
Speaker 5: shit about my dog except me. Yeah, but I'm also
Speaker 5: very aware of my dog's shortcomings, like what he can do,
Speaker 5: what he can't do, what situations I should put him in,
Speaker 5: what situations I should not put him in when it's
Speaker 5: time to just like we just got to go. And
Speaker 5: I think, if you're going to be the type of
Speaker 5: dog owner who's gonna be like, I love my dog,
Speaker 5: blah blah blah blah blah, you got to be really
Speaker 5: aware of how other people feel around your dog, especially
Speaker 5: with a bigger dog. You know, you can't just assume
Speaker 5: everybody's going to be comfortable with your dog jumping on
Speaker 5: in for food and all that sort of stuff.
Speaker 1: So, but you seem to have kind of the wherewithal
Speaker 1: to know in certain situations that your dog might not
Speaker 1: be great for some yere.
Speaker 6: I'm not bringing my dog everywhere for that.
Speaker 1: The issue here, So to help the caller here, how
Speaker 1: can she let her friend know that her friend doesn't
Speaker 1: know that the dog is bad in these situations.
Speaker 5: I don't think there's an easy way to do this
Speaker 5: without being direct.
Speaker 6: Yeah, if you allow other dogs, yes, that's the problem everybody.
Speaker 4: I think it's it's totally fair, even at a park
Speaker 4: picnic thing, to just be like, hey, no dogs, like
Speaker 4: there's too much food and other stuff, Like it'll just
Speaker 4: be kind of easier if we don't need to have that,
Speaker 4: and you could blame it on someone's allergies, like there's
Speaker 4: a million things to do.
Speaker 6: But if you're gonna.
Speaker 4: Allow other dogs there, Yeah, it isn't obviously specific and
Speaker 4: you can't just put out a vague thing of like yeah,
Speaker 4: good dogs only, like yeah, unless this dog is like yeah,
Speaker 4: this dog is aggressive, but like it doesn't sound like
Speaker 4: the dog is like biting people where it's like okay someone,
Speaker 4: Like that's what I would assume if if I have
Speaker 4: a dog that doesn't hurt people, I'd be like, cool,
Speaker 4: my dog's fine.
Speaker 5: I think you need to think about I know they're
Speaker 5: conflict avoidant. Do you want to have an awkward conversation now?
Speaker 5: Or do you want your party to possibly be ruined
Speaker 5: by this dog doing this thing for an hour, two hours,
Speaker 5: three hours, however long the picnic is?
Speaker 4: Yeah, I think that's if it's more of like.
Speaker 5: The dog's a little bit annoying and like you know,
Speaker 5: he runs around a little bit, but like it's not
Speaker 5: gonna really mess up the party. Okay, maybe you just
Speaker 5: got to suck it up and then next time just
Speaker 5: get ahead of it and say like, hey, no dogs. Yeah,
Speaker 5: but if this dog, if you're thinking this dog is
Speaker 5: going to like you, she said she hates this dog.
Speaker 4: Yeah, I'm sorry.
Speaker 5: I'm like one of those people that like, if it's
Speaker 5: my thing, I'm not inviting somebody I don't like. Yeah,
Speaker 5: and that includes your dog. So like you have to
Speaker 5: have a friend conversation with them and be like, hey,
Speaker 5: I would love for you to come, but like, don't
Speaker 5: think it's going to be the best environment for your dog.
Speaker 6: And if your friend is actually your friend and.
Speaker 5: A will receive that in for me and be okay
Speaker 5: with it and leave your dog at home and show up.
Speaker 5: If you're not really your friend, they're not going to
Speaker 5: show up.
Speaker 1: What exactly should she say to this person? I think
Speaker 1: you can touched on it a little bit.
Speaker 6: Yeah, let's have a mock let's have a mock conversation.
Speaker 3: Yeah.
Speaker 1: I think something in the message should be like, maybe, hey,
Speaker 1: i'd like your dog, but I feel a little uncomfortable
Speaker 1: around your dog. Sometimes something that's like not like you
Speaker 1: suck your dog sucks, You're going to ruin the party.
Speaker 1: But like maybe if it's personal like that.
Speaker 4: Are you calling him or doing this in person? Do
Speaker 4: you think I'm probably texting?
Speaker 6: Okay, texting Hey, don't call.
Speaker 1: Hey? Three wise?
Speaker 6: Hey, what's up?
Speaker 2: Man?
Speaker 5: He's so excited for the party. I've already I've already
Speaker 5: gotten Alia a brand new bandana.
Speaker 1: For Well, that's actually what I what I wanted to
Speaker 1: talk about today.
Speaker 4: Thanks for responding to this message.
Speaker 1: As you know, my birthday party welcomes dogs, but on
Speaker 1: more than a few occasions, I felt a little bit
Speaker 1: uncomfortable around Ollie. Don't. I don't have anything against dogs
Speaker 1: in general, but Ollie in particular makes me a little nervous.
Speaker 1: And I don't want to be uncomfortable in any way
Speaker 1: at my birthday celebration. But I was wondering if it's
Speaker 1: okay that you come, but Ollie stays.
Speaker 5: Home, So you're gonna be letting other dogs come but
Speaker 5: not Ali?
Speaker 1: Yes, because I feel a little bit more comfortable around
Speaker 1: these dogs. They're not as energetic, they're not running around
Speaker 1: trying to eat the food, and I'm just gonna feel
Speaker 1: a lot more comfortable. And normally I wouldn't ask this,
Speaker 1: but it's my birthday, so I just want to feel
Speaker 1: as good as I possibly can please. He's laying it on.
Speaker 6: You know.
Speaker 5: I guess it's fine or whatever, but it's just kind
Speaker 5: of weird to me, and that this is the first
Speaker 5: time you're ever bringing up the fact that you been
Speaker 5: feeling uncomfortable around Ollie because you've been around Ollie so
Speaker 5: many times, and like you've never said anything, so it
Speaker 5: sounds like you're just kind of making this up.
Speaker 1: You're right, I should have brought this up earlier, but
Speaker 1: in previous instances, I didn't want to make you feel bad.
Speaker 1: In this instance, I'm fucking had enough.
Speaker 4: I need to stand up for myself.
Speaker 1: And on last year at my birthday, I was a
Speaker 1: little bit nervous and anxious around your dog, and I
Speaker 1: don't want to feel that this year on my birthday.
Speaker 4: That's very all right, this is a classic incoming, I think.
Speaker 4: All right, Hey, Mandy, No and Devin, we have a
Speaker 4: question for you. Our good friends invited us on a
Speaker 4: dinner double date. When picking a location, we told them
Speaker 4: we don't have a preference, and so they selected a
Speaker 4: new restaurant that none of us had been due before.
Speaker 4: The food ended up being a nothing special. At the
Speaker 4: end of the meal, when the checks came, our friends
Speaker 4: told the waiter that they would be using a coupon
Speaker 4: that they had and ended up paying about half price
Speaker 4: for their meal while we paid full price. This left
Speaker 4: us with a bad taste in our mouths. A few
Speaker 4: weeks later, they invited us to another restaurant, again that
Speaker 4: none of us have been to. This time, we asked
Speaker 4: them ahead of time if they had a coupon to
Speaker 4: go there, and they said yes. We declined their offer
Speaker 4: because of the previous experience and it was a random,
Speaker 4: out of the way location. Curious to hear all of
Speaker 4: your thoughts on the situation. Do you think what they
Speaker 4: did was rude? Or are we being upset for no reason?
Speaker 4: Should they have offered us to use the coupon on
Speaker 4: the appetizer they split with us? Does it make a
Speaker 4: difference that they had to pay a subscription fee to
Speaker 4: receive these coupons?
Speaker 6: Oh?
Speaker 4: Should they have been more upfront about their coupon and
Speaker 4: reasoning for the restaurant selection? What are the social norms here?
Speaker 1: Thanks? And remind me at the beginning who invited who
Speaker 1: to the dinner? They invited them, They invited the emailers. Okay, yeah,
Speaker 1: I think it is rude. Yeah, I think it's rude
Speaker 1: number one to only choose restaurants because you're getting a discount.
Speaker 1: And maybe this is different in New York than wherever
Speaker 1: they live, but like, I feel like, if you're going
Speaker 1: to go on a double date, there's gotta be some intention,
Speaker 1: like why are we choosing? Like, you know, there's gotta
Speaker 1: be something personal about where you're going for dinner with
Speaker 1: these people. If it was just like the three of us,
Speaker 1: we're getting dinner after bowling or something, and one of
Speaker 1: you had a coupon and that's why we're going, I
Speaker 1: think that's totally fine. But this goes somewhere because you
Speaker 1: have the coupon. Yeah, this feels way more intimate a
Speaker 1: double date. And then you know, if I had the coupon,
Speaker 1: I'd be upfront about it and be like, hey, if
Speaker 1: I'm inviting these people, hey yeah, and if I'm inviting you,
Speaker 1: you're getting some of the discount.
Speaker 4: Exactly.
Speaker 1: This is going for everyone.
Speaker 4: Yes, Yeah, That's what's crazy is the effort that goes
Speaker 4: into using coupon just on your half of the meal. Yes,
Speaker 4: that's where it's like, all right, this is not like
Speaker 4: an accidental thing. No, you're you're telling the waiter specifically,
Speaker 4: only take this twenty percent off on this, and it's like,
Speaker 4: you know, money's tight whatever the economy.
Speaker 1: Like you're doing this to save Like yeah, what like
Speaker 1: how much money could it be worth?
Speaker 4: Is that really worth doing this?
Speaker 1: Yeah? I'm trying to figure out the rude part of it,
Speaker 1: because like.
Speaker 5: It's rude because you're inviting somebody to dinner and you're
Speaker 5: not being honest about why you're choosing the restaurants. Yeah,
Speaker 5: and that the fact that you have a coupon, so
Speaker 5: it's like they may be picking a place that's expensive
Speaker 5: and it's other couple's like, well, if they want to go.
Speaker 6: We go.
Speaker 5: So we get there and then we're ordering all the
Speaker 5: normal you don't say anything till the very end and
Speaker 5: then to know it's point and then you're only like
Speaker 5: using the twenty percent on your you and your spout,
Speaker 5: Like that's crazy.
Speaker 1: It's really rude. I mean, I'm trying to imagine my
Speaker 1: scenario where like we get to dinner, it's time to
Speaker 1: pay out, and then the couple who invited me pulls out.
Speaker 6: Like a coupon and for themselves.
Speaker 1: And they don't use it on this selves I'd be like, oh, what.
Speaker 2: You know.
Speaker 4: Obviously I don't. I'm not entitled to it. Yeah, but
Speaker 4: it just odd.
Speaker 6: Yeah, I mean it.
Speaker 5: I would feel embarrassed if I was the person inviting
Speaker 5: someone if I had a coupon and did not mention
Speaker 5: it ahead of time.
Speaker 1: To me, there's two violations happening here. One is that
Speaker 1: we're only going to this place because you have.
Speaker 6: A coupon, there's no other reason.
Speaker 1: Completely strips away any kind of like intimacy about wanting
Speaker 1: to take your friends out on this double date. To
Speaker 1: you get to the part where you use the coupon
Speaker 1: and you're not including the people you invited to this
Speaker 1: place for the sole reason of having the coupon. Now,
Speaker 1: the third violation is like, hey, let's do this again, Yes,
Speaker 1: because I have another coupon. I would feel like I
Speaker 1: would feel so pissed.
Speaker 5: I will say, some people just don't have any like
Speaker 5: social awareness mm hmmm.
Speaker 6: And I would be up front.
Speaker 5: I know they said that they told them like, no,
Speaker 5: we don't want to go to that restaurant, But I
Speaker 5: would be upfront with them and be like, hey, it
Speaker 5: seems like you guys are only picking restaurants that you
Speaker 5: have coupons for we don't have coupons. If we're going
Speaker 5: to go out to eat, you guys, we want to
Speaker 5: go somewhere that we actually want to eat that, you know,
Speaker 5: And it's kind of awkward that you guys are inviting
Speaker 5: us just two places that you have coupons for, being
Speaker 5: that we don't have coupons. So there's no incentive for
Speaker 5: us to do that. If you guys just want to
Speaker 5: use your coupons, just go out by yourself to these restaurants.
Speaker 5: Why are you inviting me and then leout if it's good,
Speaker 5: and then if it's great, yeah, then we can go back,
Speaker 5: come back.
Speaker 4: I don't care if they pay for a subscription fee
Speaker 4: for now. I mean that's weird. I mean, I don't
Speaker 4: know what it does not matter that they're no, I mean,
Speaker 4: I mean, how much could that be even whatever it is,
Speaker 4: even if.
Speaker 5: Someone gave me a gift card to the place. Right,
Speaker 5: so I'm getting say one hundred and fifty.
Speaker 6: Dollars off at the restaurant.
Speaker 5: If I'm inviting somebody else to that restaurant, they are
Speaker 5: getting that disc.
Speaker 4: Off the top. Yes, yeah, it's off the top. And
Speaker 4: then you do.
Speaker 1: I mean, look, I pay for Regal Unlimited twenty three
Speaker 1: dollars a month so that I can go see movies
Speaker 1: without paying for the movie. This person is paying a
Speaker 1: subscription to get this discount on things.
Speaker 5: It feels like kindergartener mentality, if like everything needs to
Speaker 5: be fair and even it's like sometimes you should just
Speaker 5: do things because it's nice. Yeah, you're not always gonna
Speaker 5: like it's your coupon. I get it, you pay a
Speaker 5: subscription fee, but like, if you're inviting your friends out,
Speaker 5: maybe you're just gonna not get as much money back
Speaker 5: as you thought you were.
Speaker 4: Yeah, you should enjoy the experience. And like, if you're
Speaker 4: that hard.
Speaker 6: Up for money that you should issue.
Speaker 4: You should be paying for a subscription service for coupons. Yeah,
Speaker 4: and you shouldn't be going out to restaurants, let alone
Speaker 4: inviting other couples exactly. Like that's it. It's just like
Speaker 4: when it's like when people complain about tipping normally at
Speaker 4: a restaurant, it's like, well then you can you can't
Speaker 4: afford it, You shouldn't be ready. Yeah, just make some
Speaker 4: mac and cheese.
Speaker 1: Yeah, so pretty unanimous by many, Noah and Devin. Your
Speaker 1: friends should feel ashamed.
Speaker 6: And you should you should confunct them about it?
Speaker 4: Yeah, yeah, no more?
Speaker 1: I mean yeah, were you were too nice in saying no?
Speaker 1: Just because the restaurants far away, I'd been like, why,
Speaker 1: what is happening here? What is wrong with you?
Speaker 4: That's some help? Maybe talk to you know, send it
Speaker 4: an advice question to some people. All right, hey, guys,
Speaker 4: I've got some advice to ask. How do I pursue
Speaker 4: new friendships without neglecting the friends I already have? I
Speaker 4: absolutely love all my friends. They're incredible people, and they
Speaker 4: mean the world to me. I have a few particularly
Speaker 4: close friends, but I can't help but feel that many
Speaker 4: of them have this untouchable connection with each other that
Speaker 4: I just can't reach. I try my best to spend
Speaker 4: more time with these people, but always worry about neglecting
Speaker 4: the close friends I already have. There are also people
Speaker 4: who are not quite friends, but acquaintances that I'd like
Speaker 4: to get to know better. But I don't know how
Speaker 4: to start that process without a looking weird or b
Speaker 4: making my current friends think I'm trying to move away
Speaker 4: from them, or that I enjoy their company any less.
Speaker 5: What do you think I feel like, out of the
Speaker 5: three of us, Manny, you should answer this because the
Speaker 5: amount of friends that you have is disgusting.
Speaker 6: Yeah, that's fair, So you do a good job.
Speaker 4: So what do you think.
Speaker 1: I have a lot of friends there, But like, I mean,
Speaker 1: it seems like this person doesn't have that much time,
Speaker 1: because my initial response to this is that you can
Speaker 1: do all of this at the same time. Yeah, it
Speaker 1: seems like you can like make new friends without having
Speaker 1: to neglect the other ones.
Speaker 5: Precidically, it sounds like they're saying they have to sacrifice
Speaker 5: time with their friends. They already have to deepen relationships
Speaker 5: with newer friends, which yeah.
Speaker 4: And they're not trying to lose any It's not like,
Speaker 4: oh I don't like this friend group. No, they're not
Speaker 4: like holdovers from college or something.
Speaker 1: There is some level of like politics to this in
Speaker 1: a weird way, Like I've run into this all the time,
Speaker 1: where I'm someone who wants to invite every single person
Speaker 1: I know on a weekend to the same bar. But
Speaker 1: I've found that, like some groups don't mesh well with
Speaker 1: other groups. Some groups want very specific people there. They'll
Speaker 1: be annoyed if other people show up, not because they
Speaker 1: don't like the person, but like it just changes the
Speaker 1: dynamic expectations.
Speaker 4: Well, yeah, it's like, if I'm going to meet up
Speaker 4: with two people, it's way different than meeting up with
Speaker 4: five people, even if I like all those people.
Speaker 1: Yeah, and there's different goals for different hangs. Sure, so
Speaker 1: there's definitely a lot to think about in this scenario.
Speaker 4: All right, So let's let's break it down. I guess
Speaker 4: there's someone who is a friend of a friend. Maybe
Speaker 4: you've seen each other a few times at bar parties
Speaker 4: or whatever. You're friendly but not friends. How should we
Speaker 4: approach going about taking that next step?
Speaker 1: For me, it's always been like weirdly similar to trying
Speaker 1: to ask someone out on a date, where it's like, hey,
Speaker 1: hey man, I like really enjoy hanging out with you, Like,
Speaker 1: let's get a beer sometime soon. Then it stops becoming
Speaker 1: a thing you plan around, so like yeah, once you
Speaker 1: fortunately like this stuff has to does have to be
Speaker 1: pretty organic, otherwise it doesn't feel authentic. People will be
Speaker 1: like what is this about? And I've noticed that too,
Speaker 1: where like people will be really kind of weird about
Speaker 1: asking to hang out with me and it kind of
Speaker 1: turns me off. Similar to dating, you want to make
Speaker 1: sure it's like mutual interest.
Speaker 4: Yeah, I just like, well, well, now I need to
Speaker 4: go like this person's bugging me, Like there must be
Speaker 4: some sort of reason you are connected.
Speaker 6: Yeah.
Speaker 4: And then I think, as far as not worrying about
Speaker 4: cutting out other people, I think it's just keeping up
Speaker 4: with Yeah, just like don't ignore the group chat or
Speaker 4: whatever it is, and just like, yeah, you can't hang
Speaker 4: out with everyone all the time.
Speaker 1: Yeah, my advice would be not to worry about like
Speaker 1: not paying attention as much to the previous friend group.
Speaker 1: If you're close enough, that's gonna be fine.
Speaker 6: Exactly.
Speaker 1: I'll have friends who hit me up who I haven't
Speaker 1: talked to in like six months, and we'll just pick
Speaker 1: but right back up like nothing, like there had been
Speaker 1: no gap in them communications. And I think like your
Speaker 1: best friends are like good friends will be like that.
Speaker 1: I really wouldn't worry about losing your previous friends and
Speaker 1: no one's gonna be at home being like damn, man,
Speaker 1: he didn't text.
Speaker 4: Me, or like see that you went out with one
Speaker 4: other person one time and be like, oh, I guess
Speaker 4: I'm done now. Yeah.
Speaker 1: Now, there was a part of the question that was
Speaker 1: like they feel like they can't penetrate. Yeah, So like
Speaker 1: a dynamic that feels very close, which is also another
Speaker 1: interesting thing. Some people like meet each other two weeks
Speaker 1: ago and then you see them hang out and it
Speaker 1: seems like they've been friends for definitely ever. Yeah, there's
Speaker 1: just certain personalities that click with each other like that,
Speaker 1: and it's I don't think it's worth like trying to
Speaker 1: penetrate that, if that makes sense.
Speaker 4: Yeah, because I'm read to reread that bit it says
Speaker 4: I love all my friends. They're incredible people and they
Speaker 4: mean the world to me. I have a few particularly
Speaker 4: close friends, but I can't help but feel that many
Speaker 4: of them have this untouchable connection with each other that
Speaker 4: I just can't reach. So this makes me think of
Speaker 4: our follow Ups episode in a way.
Speaker 6: Yeah.
Speaker 4: But yeah, it's like you feel like you don't have
Speaker 4: that real deep connection. You kind of just need maybe
Speaker 4: one on one time or something like if you're always
Speaker 4: hanging out in groups, try to get more individual attention.
Speaker 4: I feel like that always makes me feel closer, even
Speaker 4: if it's not we're going to have a hard conversation
Speaker 4: with each other. It's just like, I don't know, it
Speaker 4: just means something different to carve out time with one
Speaker 4: person versus with a group of four people or something.
Speaker 1: An easy way I've done that in the past is like,
Speaker 1: if you're out at drinks of the group and then
Speaker 1: one of the friend you want to connect with more
Speaker 1: wants to get a drink, You're like, hey, I'll go
Speaker 1: with you to the bar. Depending on what bar you're at,
Speaker 1: you're actually going to be by yourselves for a while
Speaker 1: and you can talk a little bit.
Speaker 4: Yeah, and even that that's something small like that, which
Speaker 4: could even be it could only be three minutes. It
Speaker 4: could just be enough, like okay, somewhat intentional, even though
Speaker 4: there's this added thing of yeah, we're waiting at the
Speaker 4: you know, yeah, drinks or whatever.
Speaker 1: The other person will go home and they won't be like, oh,
Speaker 1: this person made an effort to talk to me. But
Speaker 1: it's something subconscious that happens, and the next time you
Speaker 1: see the person, I don't know it makes more sense.
Speaker 4: Some people are just unknowable.
Speaker 6: Yeah, and every friend has their role right exactly.
Speaker 4: Yeah, I'm the leader of the group, and then everyone
Speaker 4: else kind of falls in line. Hi, Manny Noadavik, I
Speaker 4: need advice about my friend's wedding. I'm the best man
Speaker 4: in the wedding. Between two of my closest friends. I'm
Speaker 4: psyched to be a part of it, but they have
Speaker 4: very different taste than me, and I was down for
Speaker 4: whatever they had mined for me in their wedding planning process. Lately,
Speaker 4: their choice has gotten aggressively questionable. The first choice that
Speaker 4: really threw me is their strict requirement for black formal
Speaker 4: wear in an all outdoor pomp Springs venue that averages
Speaker 4: one hundred and ten degrees during the month of their wedding.
Speaker 4: They invited my dad, but I can't send him out
Speaker 4: in a suit to bake in that kind of heat.
Speaker 4: What's pushing me over the edge is that they're suing
Speaker 4: their reception caterer lot. Even though it's them trying to
Speaker 4: break their contract. It's a small business we really love
Speaker 4: to support, so it's wild to see my friends so
Speaker 4: ready to literally sue him just to get their way.
Speaker 4: I know it's not my place to step in where
Speaker 4: I just have differences in opinion, but is ever okay
Speaker 4: to voice disapproval if you think your friends are being assholes?
Speaker 1: I think this person is in the right, but I
Speaker 1: do wonder if they should just bite the bullet here.
Speaker 6: Yeah, I mean they.
Speaker 1: Shouldn't be trying to fucking sue the caterer, but like
Speaker 1: they're clearly going through some kind of stress. You might
Speaker 1: not want to add to that just because it's gonna
Speaker 1: be hot that day.
Speaker 4: My view, as someone who's getting married soon is that, yeah,
Speaker 4: it's kind of like this is not really your your problem,
Speaker 4: so I wouldn't worry about it too much. I'll say, though, like,
Speaker 4: I think it's especially you obviously are really close with
Speaker 4: the dad situation that he I don't think they're gonna
Speaker 4: change it, but I think it's fair to say maybe like, yeah,
Speaker 4: here's why my dad's not coming. Yep, Like it's gonna
Speaker 4: be way too hot, so I just can't do it
Speaker 4: with the formal Like with the dress code, it's just
Speaker 4: there's no way. Yeah, and then maybe that'll budge them
Speaker 4: in some way to make it more casual or whatever.
Speaker 4: The caterer thing reading this now for the second time
Speaker 4: is again not really your problem. Seeing that you know
Speaker 4: the business does make it a little bit more of
Speaker 4: like if they are being totally out of line, I
Speaker 4: don't think it's crazy if you say something like are
Speaker 4: you sure about that? Like, yeah, I don't know about this.
Speaker 5: It's about like, hey, this is a business that we
Speaker 5: know and love, and you guys are not acting rational.
Speaker 1: Yeah.
Speaker 6: I think that's worth bringing up, and more so just
Speaker 6: sort of like, hey, is this really worth it?
Speaker 1: The aspect of this where you where I feel like
Speaker 1: this person should suck it up, so to speak, is
Speaker 1: just going to the wedding knowing that it's going to
Speaker 1: be really hot.
Speaker 6: Yep.
Speaker 1: The parts where they should say something is like hey,
Speaker 1: don't think my dad's gonna come to this.
Speaker 4: It's just fucking you could gently push back on basically
Speaker 4: all these things.
Speaker 1: Yeah, but I wouldn't stress out too much about a person.
Speaker 1: It's like, you know, when is the wedding? Yeah, at
Speaker 1: this stage, probably too late even to make any changes.
Speaker 4: Yeah, maybe move the location of the wedding to somewhere, like,
Speaker 4: you know, upstate New York where it could be Yeah,
Speaker 4: it'll be outside in the summer, mom, but it'll be yeah,
Speaker 4: so you know, it could be worse. That's for for
Speaker 4: one listener out there.
Speaker 1: Yeah, weddings though, are like, I mean, that's something you
Speaker 1: can't see.
Speaker 4: In the main area where there's dinner and stuff.
Speaker 6: But yeah, anyway, is.
Speaker 1: This about someone we know, it's interesting though. Weddings are
Speaker 1: so removed from these this same kind of issue, like
Speaker 1: outside of a wedding, you know, like for sure, if
Speaker 1: it weren't a wedding, it'd be like, yeah, to tell
Speaker 1: your friend that they're being fucking idiots. Yeah, it was
Speaker 1: like their birthday party in Palm Springs and one hundred
Speaker 1: ten degrees, I'd be like, yeah, what are you guys crazy?
Speaker 6: Yeah.
Speaker 1: Weddings though, are just like damn, that's everyone's one day
Speaker 1: for their lives, their whole lives. Where it's like, maybe
Speaker 1: it is fucking stupid as hell, but.
Speaker 4: You kind of just need to Yeah, you need to
Speaker 4: let them do what they're doing. You can't really complain.
Speaker 4: There's so many weird kind of wedding specific things that
Speaker 4: do make people act is this is this not a character? Yeah,
Speaker 4: you're the best man.
Speaker 5: You should know if this if they're acting out a character,
Speaker 5: I think you could take it a little bit differently
Speaker 5: than like, h here they go again.
Speaker 1: Yeah, true, but definitely leave your dad at home.
Speaker 4: Yes, yeah, that's it.
Speaker 1: He guess what I would do?
Speaker 6: Watch the game.
Speaker 1: That's it. For our advice episode, I will say we
Speaker 1: did get a voicemail from someone with a two to
Speaker 1: oh nine area code. Uh, your message did not come through. Actually,
Speaker 1: there seemed to be some kind of a glitch that happened,
Speaker 1: so please try again and we'll try to get to
Speaker 1: your question in a future episode. Thanks for listening to
Speaker 1: No such Thing. Produced by Manny, Noah and Devin. Theme
Speaker 1: song is by me Manny. Shout out to everyone who
Speaker 1: sent us questions asking for advice. If you'd still like
Speaker 1: to do so, you can email us, or, better yet,
Speaker 1: call the number in the description and leave us a voicemail.
Speaker 1: Let us know if you want us to disguise your voice.
Speaker 1: We'll talk to you guys soon